transcript
- Slide 1
- A step-by-step guide to adding detail to your story to make it
sing Weekend with Harold
- Slide 2
- Adding Descriptive Detail Original Text: I bought glue traps.
Im not proud of it. But I was dealing with a menace and the very
real possibility that one of Harolds sister wives would soon give
birth to a bevy of babies. The previous night, Id set out four and
baited them each with a puffy Cheeto. I sat cross-legged on the
counter with the rest of the bag. My ears strained to hear the
sound of tiny paws, and I started at every gust of wind. Finally,
twenty minutes later, I got bored and went to bed, where I dreamed
of an epic battle between a human-sized Harold and me.
- Slide 3
- Adding Descriptive Detail Original Text: I bought glue traps.
Im not proud of it. But I was dealing with a menace and the very
real possibility that one of Harolds sister wives would soon give
birth to a bevy of babies. The previous night, Id set out four and
baited them each with a puffy Cheeto. I sat cross-legged on the
counter with the rest of the bag. My ears strained to hear the
sound of tiny paws, and I started at every gust of wind. Finally,
twenty minutes later, I got bored and went to bed, where I dreamed
of an epic battle between a human-sized Harold and me.
- Slide 4
- Fix #1: Use an AAAWWUBBIS CLAUSE to show multi-tasking I sat
cross-legged on the counter with the rest of the bag. My ears
strained to hear the sound of tiny paws, and I started at every
gust of wind. I sat cross-legged on the counter with the rest of
the bag while I ate the remaining puffs. As I licked the powdered
cheese off my fingers, my ears strained to hear the sound of tiny
paws, and I started at every gust of wind. Cheeto Puffs are so
delicious.
- Slide 5
- Fix #1: Use an AAAWWUBBIS CLAUSE to show multi-tasking You can
always use vivid verbs and modifiers to punch up your writing. Ate
isnt a terribly interesting or specific verb, so I substituted
popped. I was also eating the Cheetos and licking my fingers one at
a time, so I added in those details as well. I sat cross-legged on
the counter with the rest of the bag while I popped the remaining
puffs in my mouth one by one. As I licked the powdered cheese off
my fingers one at a time, my ears strained to hear the sound of
tiny paws, and I started at every gust of wind.
- Slide 6
- Fix #2: Use an ABSOLUTE PHRASE to further describe how you were
doing something or to describe concurrent actions Absolute phrases
follow this basic formula: noun + present participle + additional
modifiers (optional) What else was I doing while I sat on the
counter? Looking out for Harold! Focus on eyes Eyes (noun)
+scanning (present participle) eyes scanning Eyes scanning (the
floor) Eyes (vigilantly) scanning (the floor) I sat cross-legged on
the counter with the rest of the bag, eyes vigilantly scanning the
floor while I popped the remaining puffs in my mouth one by
one.
- Slide 7
- Fix #3: ONOMATOPOEIA isnt just for poetry What sounds does
eating a Cheeto make? Crunch (initial bite) Munch munch (finishing
the puff) I sat cross-legged on the counter with the rest of the
bag, while I popped the remaining puffs in my mouth one by one.
Crunch. Munch munch. What sounds would Harolds paws make on the
wood floors? Pitter-patter As I licked the powdered cheese off my
fingers one at a time, my ears strained to hear the tiny
pitter-patter of paws, and I started at every gust of wind.
- Slide 8
- Fix #4: PREPOSITIONAL PHRASE STACKING Where might Harolds baby
mama choose to have her babies? Under the sink? But I was dealing
with a menace and the very real possibility that one of Harolds
sister wives would soon give birth to a bevy of babies under the
sink. Where specifically under the sink? In a corner? Someplace
hidden? But I was dealing with a menace and the very real
possibility that one of Harolds sister wives would soon give birth
to a bevy of babies in a cozy nook under the sink behind the bottle
of grout cleaner.
- Slide 9
- Fix #5: Use a RELATIVE CLAUSE to satisfy your inner journalist
Relative clauses follow two basic formulas: relative pronoun +
subject + verb relative pronoun acting as a subject +verb The
relative pronouns WHO and WHICH are good bases for forming relative
clauses to add more description to people or objects in your
story.
- Slide 10
- Fix #5: Use a RELATIVE CLAUSE to satisfy your inner journalist
Finally, twenty minutes later, I got bored and went to bed, where I
dreamed of an epic battle between a human-sized Harold and me.
Finally, twenty minutes later, I got bored and went to bed, where I
dreamed of an epic battle between a human-sized Harold, who was
wearing a sweater vest and glasses, and me. Finally, twenty minutes
later, I got bored and went to bed, where I dreamed of an epic
battle between a human-sized Harold, who was wearing a sweater vest
and glasses, and me, who was waving a giant Cheeto in his
direction. Finally, twenty minutes later, I got bored and went to
bed, where I dreamed of an epic Nutcracker-esque battle between a
human- sized Harold, who was wearing a sweater vest and glasses,
and me, who was brandishing a giant Cheeto, light saber-like, in
his direction.
- Slide 11
- To Recap Original text: I bought glue traps. Im not proud of
it. But I was dealing with a menace and the very real possibility
that one of Harolds sister wives would soon give birth to a bevy of
babies. The previous night, Id set out four and baited them each
with a puffy Cheeto. I sat cross-legged on the counter with the
rest of the bag. My ears strained to hear the sound of tiny paws,
and I started at every gust of wind. Finally, twenty minutes later,
I got bored and went to bed, where I dreamed of an epic battle
between a human-sized Harold and me. New and improved text: I
bought glue traps. Im not proud of it. But I was dealing with a
menace and the very real possibility that one of Harolds sister
wives would soon give birth to a bevy of babies in a cozy nook
under the sink behind the bottle of grout cleaner. The previous
night, Id set out four and baited them each with a puffy Cheeto. I
sat cross-legged on the counter with the rest of the bag, eyes
vigilantly scanning the floor while I popped the remaining puffs in
my mouth one by one. Crunch. Munch munch. As I licked the powdered
cheese off my fingers one at a time, my ears strained to hear the
tiny pitter-patter of paws, and I started at every gust of wind.
Finally, twenty minutes later, I got bored and went to bed, where I
dreamed of an epic Nutcracker-esque battle between a human-sized
Harold, who was wearing a sweater vest and glasses, and me, who was
brandishing a giant Cheeto, light saber-like, in his
direction.
- Slide 12
- Other Fixes: Participial phrases Use a PARTICIPIAL PHRASE to
add description to a sentence. These always function as adjectives,
and can be formed with either the past or present participle.
Crunching puffs on the counter Crunching puffs on the counter, I
waited for Harold to show. Stuck on the middle of the glue trap I
found Harold, stuck on the middle of the glue trap, the next
morning.
- Slide 13
- Other Fixes: Appositives Use an APPOSITIVE PHRASE to rename a
noun and give more information about it. These can start simply,
but can be expanded into more complicated phrases. Harold, a mouse,
is scurrying across the kitchen table. Harold, a small mouse, is
scurrying across the kitchen table. Harold, a small mouse with a
long tail, is scurrying across the kitchen table. Hipster
Harold?
- Slide 14
- Other Fixes: Appositive + Relative Clause You can even combine
an appositive phrase with a relative clause to make an even more
awesome interrupter: Harold, a small, long-tailed mouse that has
spied my uncovered loaf of bread, is scurrying across the kitchen
table.