Best Friend's Brother #4 (Best Friend's Brother...

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BestFriend’sBrother#4

ByAlyciaTaylor

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CHAPTERONE

Iwasstandingthere,lookingatKristieandAlexa’sfaces.Kristielookedlikeshewashavingfun.Sheprobablywas.Shelivedforthisdramashit.Alexawasdefinitelynothavingfun.

“Kristie,youneedtogo.”

“Youdon’tevenknowwhatIcamebyfor.”

“Itdoesn’tmatter.Iwantyoutogo.You’renotwelcomehereandyouneedtostayawayfromme.”

KristielookedoveratAlexawhowasshootingfireoutofhergreeneyesattheotherwoman.Kristiesmirked.“Oh,Igetit,”shesaidinaconspiratorialtone.“Yournewlittleflingwasn’tsupposedtoknowaboutus.”

“Jesus,Kristie!There’snothingtoknow.NowgetthehelloutbeforeIgetreallypissedoff!”

ShewasgoingtomakeAlexathinkwedidsomething.Shit!IshouldhavetoldAlexaIhaddinnerwithher.ThiswasgoingtobesomethingelsethatmadeitlooklikeIhadsomethingtohide.

“I’llgo,”shesaid,“butyou’ll

becallingmeandbeggingmetotakeyouback.Likeyoudidtheothernight.”

“It’snotgoingtohappen,Kristie.YouandIarethrough.Getout!”

WithasmileandawinkinAlexa’sdirectionshesaid,“That’snotwhathesaidlastnight.”

“Out!”Isaidagain.Shewent

outthedoorandAlexaandIbothstoodtherejustlookingafterherforafewseconds.Finally,Alexaturnedtomeandsaid,

“Whatdidshemeanbythatlastcomment?Didyouseeherlastnight?Didyoucallherandtellheryouwantedherback?”

“Yes,Isawher,butneversaidIwantedherback.It’s

notwhatyouthink,andit’snotwhatshemadeitsoundlike.Canwesit?”

Alexalookedlikeshewasgoingtobolt.Shewasn’tevenreallydressed,butshewaseyeingthedoor.AllIcouldthinkwasthatshewasgoingtotakeoffandneverwanttoseemeagain.Iscrewedup…again.

“Idon’twanttosit,”shesaid.

“Iwanttoknowwhyyoukeepsayingthereisnothingbetweenyoutwoyetthenightwe’renottogether,you’rewithher…”

“Itwasn’tlikethat,Iswear.YouwereangrywithmeandItriedgoingtomyparents’becauseIreallyneededsomeonetotalkto.They’restillsobrokenthatitdidn’thelp.Itonlymademefeel

worse.BetweenthestuffthatisconstantlygoingoninmyheadaboutEmmaandthefactthatIwassotornupoverwhathappenedbetweenus…IjustneededsomeonetotalktoAlexa.Iwasgoingcrazy.ShetextedmeandIdidsomethingthatIhadn’tdoneinaverylongtime…Itextedherback.Ishouldhaveknownitwouldturnoutthisway.Iamguiltyofbeingan

idiot,butthat’sall,Iswear.WewentouttodinnerandthewholetimeIlistenedtohergoonaboutstupid,superficialthings,allIcouldthinkaboutwashowmuchIwantedtobewithyou.IrealizedwhyIbrokeupwithherandIcan’tevenimaginewhatIwasdoingwithherinthefirstplace.You’retheonlyoneIfeelcomfortabletalkingtoaboutEmmaand

beyondthat,Ilovespendingtimewithyou.Wehavesomuchfuntogether…beingwithyouistheonlytimeIreallyfeelwholeagain.Idon’twantKristie…I’msorry….Inevershouldhavegoneoutwithher….Butpleasebelieveme,Alexa,nothinghappened.”

“Ibelieveyou,”shesaidatlast.

Iwasshocked.Thatwasn’tatallwhatIexpected.Surelyitwasn’tgoingtobethiseasy…..

“But…”

Okay,herewego,Iknewtherewasgoingtobeabut…

“I’mnotsurewhyIbelieveyou;youprobablywouldn’thaveeventoldmeyousawherifIhadn’tbeenherewhen

sheshowedup.Omissionisthesameaslying,Ian.Ithoughtwehadclearedthatupbefore…”

“Iknow,andwedid.I’msorry.IwasgoingtotellyouaboutKristiebutthetimingjusthadn’tbeenright.Alexapleaseletme…”

Ireachedoutforherandshetookastepback.IknewIwasscrewed.Shewasgoing

toleaveandIalreadyfeltlikeIcouldn’tbreathe.Damnit!Ihatedfeelingthisway.Ihatedit,andIlovedit.Itdidn’tmakeanyfuckingsense.I’veneverreallycaredifagirlwalkedoutbefore.It’salwaysbeenprettyeasytoeithergetanotherone,orjustbealone.BeforeEmmadied,Iwasneverafraidofbeingalone.Now,thethoughtofAlexaleavingandnotcomingback

terrifiedme.I’dliketoblameitallongrief,butthefactwasthatIsimplywantedher.

“Ijustneedsometime,Ian.”

Shewasgatheringupherstuffasshetalked.

“Ineedtowrapmyheadaroundallofthis.Sofar,intheshorttimewe’vebeenseeingeachother,thingsseemtobemore“off”than

theyare“on”.I’mnotsureIcandothisroller-coasterthing….”

“Itwon’tberoller-coaster.Iwon’tseeheragain,ever.Icanpromiseyouthat…”

“Ian,I’mnotsayingwe’reover.I’mnotmad.Ijustneedtospendsometimegettingmythoughtstogetherandfigureoutif…whateverthisisbetweenusishealthyforme.

I’llcallyou.”Shewentintothebedroomandfinishedgettingdressed.IstoodrootedtothespotIwasin,wonderinghowIcouldpossiblekeepscrewingthisup.Whenshecameback,shelookedatmesadlyandsaidagain,“I’llcallyou,okay?”

Ithinkitwasanunspoken,“Don’tcallme.”

“I’msorry,”Isaid.

“Don’tbesorry.I’mreallynotmad.Thishasjustallhappenedsofast.Maybewebothneedtoputmorethoughtintoit.Domeafavorandspendyourowntimethinkingaboutallofthistoo.We’vebeenthroughalot.AtfirstitwasokaythatweweretogetherbecauseofEmma.Webothdesperatelyneededthat.Butnow,Ithinkweneedtolookatwhetherornot

thereareotherreasonstobetogether,andifthisisworthpursuing.”Ijuststoodtherelookingatherlikeanidiot.Iknewthatthiswasworthpursuing.Ididn’thavetothinkaboutit.Iwasn’tsurewhyIfeltdifferentlyaboutherthanIeverhadanyotherwomanorgirl…butIdid.Iwatchedhergowithouttellingherthat.Ishouldhavejusttoldher…whatdidI

reallyhavetolosewhenshewasalreadywalkingoutthedoor?Idroppeddownontothecouchandwonderedwhenmylifewouldeverstopbeingonedramaticsceneaftertheother.

Ifinallypulledmyassupoffthecouchandgotintotheshower.ThemoreIthoughtaboutKristie’sperfecttiming,themorepissedoffIgot.

Yes,IshouldhavetoldAlexathatIwentouttodinnerwithher,butsincethatwasalltherewastoit,Ireallyhadn’tthoughtitwasabigdeal.KristieshowingupmadeitabigdealandImayhavejustlostAlexabecauseofit.Howmanythingswasshegoingtohavetofindout…thingsthatIshouldhavetoldhermyself…beforeshegaveuponme?

Igotdressedforthegymandthrewmythingsinmybag.Ineededtogoworkoutorthisangerwasgoingtooverwhelmme.Ican’tgetthroughthisshitwithoutAlexa.Ifitwasn’tforher…I’dprobablybecurledupinacornersomewhere…Shit!WhatthehellamIgoingtodonow?

Igrabbedmybagandmy

keysandheadedout.BythetimeIgottothecarIrealizedthatIcouldn’tjustletthisgo.IhadtotryanddosomethingtoconvinceherIwasworthtakingariskon.ThingshavejustbeensoscrewedupsinceEmmadied…buttheywouldgetbetter,aslongasweworkedthroughittogether.Iunderstandwhyshewouldneedsometime.Iplannedongivingthattoher.But,then

somehow,I’mgoingtomakethingsright.Somehow,I’mgoingtofixthis.I’dgiveheraday…ortwo,andthenIwouldgotalktoherandtellherhowIfeel.CHAPTERTWO

IdrovehomefromIan’swithmyheadspinning.Iwasgrowingsotiredofbeing

pulledinsomanydifferentdirections.Mybestfriendisdead.ImetaguywhoIreally,reallylike…andIjustcan’tseemtomakeitworkwithhim.Ian’snotabadguy.He’sjusttheoppositeasamatteroffact.He’skindofanenigma.Hespendsalotoftimealone,yethe’sperfectlycomfortablearoundpeople.Herebelledalotwhenhewasakid…yethehasagreat

relationshipwithhisparents.He’sananimalintheoctagon.Yethe’ssweetandgentleinbed.Hesayshewantsnothingtodowithhisex-girlfriendandyetshekeepspoppingupinourlives.SinceI’dstartedseeinghimhe’sprovokedsomanydifferentemotionsinsideofme,morethananyoneelseeverhad.I’msureithasalottodowiththewaywecame

together,alreadyinemotionalturmoil.Wewerebothdealingwithourgriefanditjustseemedsomucheasiertodealwithittogetherinstead…maybethat’swherewewentwrong.Maybeweshouldhavedonethatseparatelybeforewegottogetherandthendatingwouldbegoingmoresmoothly.Maybetherearetoomanyemotionstangled

upandmaybeitwasgoingtobeimpossibletountanglethemanddecidewheregriefbeganandourfeelingsforeachotherstarted.Ormaybetherearenorealfeelingsforeachother.Maybeit’sourminds’waysoftryingtocompensateforthealternative…theemotionalhellofrememberingthatEmmawasdeadeveryminuteoftheday.

BythetimeIgotoutofthecarandheadedintothehouseIwasbeginningtowonderifmaybeitwouldbeeasiertostraightenmyheadoutifIjustconcentratedonmeforawhile.MaybeIshouldgooutanddosomethingfunthathadnothingtodowithIanoranyoneelse.MaybeIshouldhavestayedatschool.

Iwalkedinthefrontdoorand

Dadsaid,“Isthatyou,Alexa?”Ialmostlaughed.I’mnotsurewhoelsehethoughtitmightbe,anditreinforcedthatmaybeIshouldhavegonebacktoschool.SinceI’dbeenhomeitwasalmostlikemineandDad’srelationshiphadrevertedbacktowhatitwaswhenIwasateenager.

“YeahDad,it’sme.”

“Comeoninthekitchen,Iwasjustmakingasandwich.Doyouwantone?”

Iwentintothekitchen.Hehadoutalmosteverycondimentweownedaswellasallofthelunchmeat,aheadoflettuce,tomato,onionandavocado.Ismiled,“Whatkindofsandwichareyoumaking?”

“It’smyversionoftheclub…

minusthebacon,unfortunately.IforgottobuysomewhenIwentgroceryshopping.Butthat’sokay.Ihaveseveraldifferentkindsofmeathere.”

IwishIcouldcareaboutthemeatonaclubsandwich.IfIdid,thatwouldmeanthatthingswerebacktonormal.I’mnotevensurewhatthatwasanymore.Isatdownat

thetableandheaskedmewhereI’dbeen.

“HangingoutwithIan,”Isaid.Hemadeaface,buthedidn’tsayanything.IguessitwasdifferentfromwhenIwasinhighschool.Backthen,heneverwouldhavemissedanopportunitytotellmewhatwaswrongwiththeguyIwasdating.Ithinkitwaswhatmademebemore

judgmentalthanIshouldbe.Iwasalwayslookingforsomethingtobewrong.Inspiteofthat,IwonderedifIshouldtalktohimandseewhathistakewasoneverythingthathadbeengoingon.IthoughtmaybeIalreadyknewwhathewasgoingtosay.HewasgoingtotellmethatIshouldstayawayfromIan.Hewouldgivemealistofreasonswhy

andtellmeallofthethingsthatwerewrongwithhimandthenhewouldsay,“It’snotthatIdon’tlikehim,it’sjustthathe’snotwhatIwantforyou.”

“Dad,IreallylikeIan.”Itoldhim.Iwasgoadinghim,sortof.IwantedhisadviceandyetIdidn’t.WhatIreallywantedwasforhimtosay,“Oh,Ian!He’sagreatguy!”

Iknewthatwasnevergoingtohappen,butitsurewouldmakeiteasierformetokeepseeinghim,whichwaswhatIthinkIreallywanted.

IwatchedhisfaceandIcouldseethesubtlechangeinitagain.Tohiscredit,hestilldidn’tsayanythingnegative.Hejustdidn’tsayanythingatall.Isatthereforawhileandwatchedhimslatheringthings

onthebreadforhissandwichandIconsideredtellinghimhowmuchIlikedIan.

God,ImissedEmma.IneverhadotherfriendsIcouldreallytalkto.Myotherfriendswereaboutgoingoutandhavingfun.IwasalsoalittlebitworriedthattheywouldjudgemeoverdatingEmma’sbrother.Emmawouldn’thaveeverjudged

me.ShemightverballykickmyassifshethoughtIwasinvolvedinsomethingthatwouldhurtme,butshewouldneverjudge.IlookedbackupatmyDadandrealizedhewastheonlypersonleftinmylifethatIcouldreallysaythataboutnow.Hemightjudgemyboyfriendslikecrazy,butnotme.

“Dad?”

“Yeah,honey?”

“Haveyoueverhadreallystrongfeelingsforsomeoneanditseemedlikenomatterhowhardyoutriedtomakeitworkwiththem,thingsjustseemedtokeepgettingintheway?”

HelookedatmeandIcouldseeinhiseyesthathewasthinkingaboutmymom.Ifeltbadforbringingitup.He

reallylovedher.Somuchthathewasstillsingleafterallthistime.Shehadreallydoneanumberonhim…onbothofus.IwasabouttotellhimIwassorryforbringingitupwhenhewipedhishandsandcameoverandsatwithmeatthetable.

“ArewetalkingaboutIan?”heasked.Heknewwewere,buthelookedlikehewanted

metotellhimweweren’t.

“Yeah.Youknowthatwe’vespenttimetogether.Thetruthisthatwe’vespentalotoftimetogether.ItstartedoutwithushelpingeachothertogetpastEmma’sdeath…butitturnedintomore.IhavesomuchfunwhenI’mwithhim.Ifeelcomfortableandsafe…Ireallycareabouthimbutmyfeelingsforhimareso

jumbledtogetherwithmyfeelingsoverEmma’sdeaththatI’mjustnotsurehowtohandleitall.”

“Maybewhatyouneedissometimetosortitalloutwithoutanyoneputtinganykindofpressureonyou.”Icouldseeonhisfacethatby“anyone”hemeant“Ian”.

“Ian’snotputtingpressureonme.He’sbeencompletely

willingtoletmetakethisasfastorasslowasIwantto.It’sjustthateverylittlethingthathappensbetweenusseemssomuchmoreintensethanitprobablyshouldinsuchanewrelationship.IfindmyselfquestioningeverythingandhimworryingabouthowI’llreacttothingstothepointofnottellingmeaboutthem.Doyouthinkthat’sbecauseofEmma?Are

webothjusthyper-sensitivebecauseofwhatwewentthrough?”

“Yeah,Ithinkthat’sprobablygotalottodowithit.Ialsothinkitcouldbeagoodexcuseforhidingthings,soI’mgladtohearyou’renotstandingforthat.”

“He’snotreallyhidingthings.”Iwascompelledtodefendhimandthelookon

mydad’sfacetoldmethatworriedhimmorethananything.

“I’mjustsayingthatIthinkit’sallagoodargumentforwhyyoushouldtakesometimeforyourself.SinceEmmadied,you’vespentalotoftimeworryingaboutIan’sfeelingsandmaybenotenoughworryingaboutyourown.”

“SowhatshouldIdo?Imean,I’vetriedthelyinginbedandmoping…thatdidn’twork.”

Hesmiledsadlyandsaid,“No,Idon’twantyoutogobackthere.I’mnotsureIcouldtakethat…Iwassoworriedaboutyou.Iwasthinkingaboutyougoingoutanddoingsomethingfun…butsomethingthat’sjustfor

you.Forgetaboutallofthisjustforaday.Gotoaspaorgoshoppingorforawalkinthepark.Whateversoundsfuntoyou.Then,whileyou’redoingit,don’tthinkaboutanythingelse.Justconcentrateonyou.Afteryourheadiscleared,givethissomemorethought.”

“Idon’tthinkIcoulddothat,justturnitalloff,”Isaid.

“You’llneverknowifyoudon’ttry.Lookatitthisway,thewayyou’redoingitisnotworkingsowhynottrysomethingdifferent.Whatcouldithurt?”

Hehadapoint.IfItookadayformyselfandtriednottothinkabouteverythinganditdidn’tworkthenIhaven’tlostanything…I’vejustgainedadayformyself.

“Maybeyou’reright,Dad,”Itoldhim.

“I’malwaysright,”hesaidwithasmile,“That’swhyIgettocallmyself“Dad.”

“Sotrue,sometimesIforget,”Itoldhimwithagrin.Hecouldbeexasperatingsometimes,buttherewerereasonsbehindwhyhewassooverprotectivewhenitcametorelationshipsandme.I

alwaysknewhelovedme.

“MaybeI’llgotothemalltomorrow.Icouldusesomenewsummerclothesanyway.”Hegotupandkissedthetopofmyhead.Whenhegotbackovertothecounterhesaid,

“Sodoyouwantasandwichornot?”Hewasspreadingpicklerelishonitnow.

“Um…not,”Isaidwithasmile.CHAPTERTHREE

WakingupisnolongerapleasureandsometimesIwonderedifiteverwouldbeagain.Thereisone,grandfleetingmomentwhenI’mwholeandeverythingisokay.Thenthememoriesofthe

pastmonthbegintoseepin…alwaysbeginningwiththefactthatEmmaisdead.Mylidsdon’tcasuallyflutteropenanylonger.Theysnapopenandlookaroundtheroom,searchingfor…something.Mybrainbecomesalmostimmediatelyoverwhelmedagainasifitwereallnew,freshandraw.Iwanttolingerintheblissfulignoranceofwakingup,but

sinceIknowIwon’tbeabletodothat,atnightI’vebeguntofightsleeplikeatoddler…Iwassotired,allthetime.

AfterIremindedmyself,andnotkindly,thatmybestfriendwasdead,IthoughtaboutIan.Imissedhimalready.Iwantedtoseehim.Iwantedtotalktohim.Iwantedtotouchhim.IknewthatwasabadideauntilIhad

somethingsfiguredout,sothenIwasreallytemptedtojustpullthecoversovermyheadandstaywhereIwas.UnfortunatelyI’dtriedthatalreadyandknewthatwasn’tthesolutioneither.Mybrainjustwouldn’tshutdown.Iforcedmyselfupandgotintotheshower.

Istoodunderneaththewaterandbreathedinthesteam,

urgingmymindtofadeintothatnothingnesswhereeverythingrealbecomesafoggyillusion.Istoodthereandfeltthewarmthcascadedownandover,andtriedtoimagineallofthestresswashingdownthedrain.Istayedunderneaththesprayuntiltheroomwasfullofsteamandthehotwaterwasbeginningtoturnlukewarmbeforefinallyturningitoff

andsteppingout.Ithadn’tworked.Thestresswasstillclingingtome.Ipickedupthetowelandwipedthesteamoffofthemirror.IlookedatmyfaceandthoughtagainaboutEmma.Iwondered,notforthefirsttime,howapersonwhowassodearlylovedcoulddisappearfromtheearthyetlifecouldjustgoon.Westillateandshoweredanddressed

andslept…andsomanyotherthings,whileEmmadidn’tdoanyofthatanylonger.IwonderedsometimesifthetableshadbeenturnedandI’dbeentheonetodieinsteadofEmma,ifshewouldhavedoneabetterjoboffiguringthisalloutthanIseemtobedoing.

AfterIwasdressedandhadmyhairandmakeupdone,I

feltalittlebetter.Iwentoutofmyroomandfounddadsittingatthediningroomtable,havinghiscoffee.

“Morningprincess.Howdidyousleep?”

“Good,”Ilied,givinghimakissonthecheek.Ithink,tobehonest,Isleptaboutanhourintotal.

“Whataboutyou?”Ipoured

myselfsomecoffeeandsatdownwithhim.

“Notbad,”hesaid.Hewasprobablylyingtoo.Idon’tthinkhe’ssleptthroughthenightinyears.It’swhereIgetmytendencytoobsessoverthingsfrom.“What’sonyouragendatoday?”

“I’mgoingtotakemydad’sadviceanddisappearwithmyselfforafewhours.I’m

allreadyforadaywithnocompany,nodeep-thoughts,justmeand…hopefullymyfather’sVisacard?”ThatremindedmethatmaybeIneededtostartthinkingaboutlookingforajobwhileIwashere.I’dbeensowrappedupinEmmaandIan…Ihadjustselfishlyallowedmydadtopayforeverything.Iguessatalmosttwentyyearsold,Ishouldbepastthat.Hedidn’t

care,butIshould.AsIknewhewould,hesmiledandtookouthiswallet.HehandedmehisAMEXcard.Ilookedatitandsaid,“Areyousure?Icouldgohogwildwiththisone.”

Helaughed,“Itrustyou,”hesaid.

“Thanks,Dad.Oneofthesedays,I’llpayyouback.”

“I’mnotworriedaboutit,”hesaid.Ibelievedhim,butsinceIdidn’thaveajobyetandI’dtakenanentiresemesteroffschool,Ihopedhewasn’tholdinghisbreathbecauseitmightnotbeanytimesoon.Ifinishedmycoffee,waitinguntilninebeforeIleft,knowingthemallwouldn’tbeopenuntilthen.IwishedDadagooddayandtookoffformy“dayforme”.

Ididn’twanttorunintoanyoneIknewtoday.Ithoughtthatmightjustdefeatthepurposeofthiswholedaywithmeexercise.Insteadofgoingtoourmall,Idrovetothenexttownover.TheirmallwasalotbiggeranywaysandIcouldgetlostinsideofitforhoursifIwantedto.ItookadeepbreathasIgotoutofthecarandwilledmymindtoclear

itselfofallthenegativethoughts…allthoughtsperiod.IwalkedinthroughtheMacy’sentranceandlookedaroundatallofthecolorfuldisplays.Thisjustmightwork.

IstartedbrowsingandsomethingaboutthesmellfromthefragrancecounterremindedmeofEmma.Emmalovedtoshop.She

lovedthemall.Sheusedtosaythatthesmellofit“empowered”her.Shelovedtheattentionwewouldgetinastorelikethisandshewouldtoucheverydressorblouseorpairofpantsthatsheliked,justtofeelthetextureofit.She’dtryoneverything,whetherornotsheneededit,orcouldaffordit.Shewouldgetafreemakeoverandwenevergot

outwithoutamanicure.Sometimeswe’dspendtheentiredayandgohomewithoutasinglepurchase…butitwasalwaysfun.EverythingwithEmmawasanadventure.

“Miss,areyouokay?”

IlookedupandrealizedIwasstandingneartheexitdoorandpeoplehadtogoaroundme.MyfacefeltwetandI

reachedupandtouchedmycheeks.Thereweretearsthereandpeoplewerestaringatme.Iwipedthemawayquickly.

“I’mfine,Isaidtotheconcerned-lookingsaleslady.

“I’msorry.”

Iforcedasmileandmovedon.Somuchforforgetting.

CHAPTERFOUR

IwokeupthinkingaboutAlexa.Thatwasn’tasurprise,sinceI’dgonetosleepthinkingaboutheraswell.IknewbeforeIevengotoutofbedthatIhadtotalktohertoday.ThefirstthingIdidwasreachformyphone.Halfwaythroughdialinghernumber,Irealizedthatit

wouldjustbebettertoseeher,face-to-face.Igotshoweredanddressedandheadedovertoherhouse.Itwasjustafternine,anditwasSaturday,soherdadwouldprobablybethere.Ikindofgotthefeelinghewasn’tcrazyabouttheideaofherseeingme…butI’veneverbeenafavoriteamongstthe“Dads,soIcouldhandlethat.I’dcometotermswiththe

factthataformerdelinquentturnedprofessionalfighterwasprobablynotwhothey’ddreamedtheirlittleprincesseswouldendupwith.Ican’tsayasIblamedthem.IdoubtedI’dthinkIwasgoodenoughformyowndaughtereither,ifIeverhadone.

WhenIdroveuptothehouse,Ididn’tseehercar,buttoldmyselfthatitwasprobablyin

thegarageandIcouldn’tbackoutnow.Itookadeepbreathbeforeparkingalongthestreetandgettingoutofthecar.IwonderedasIwalkeduptothedoorifshewouldbehappytoseeme…orpissedatmefornotleavingheraloneandwaitingforhertocalllikeshe’dasked.Istoodlookingatthehangingplantsintheentrywayandknocked.After

severalsecondsAlexa’sdadpulledopenthedoor.Hedidn’tlookatallhappytoseeme,andfromthelookonhisfaceIgotthefeelingmaybeAlexahadtoldhimeverythingthathashappenedbetweenus.Hewasgivingme“thelook”thatfathersreservedonlyformenwhohurttheirdaughters.MydadusedtohaveonejustlikeitthatheusedonEmma’s

boyfriends.

“Hi,”Isaid,tryingtolookandsoundmyfriendliest,orattheveryleastprayingthatmyvoicewouldn’tcrack.Nevershowfear.“IwaswonderingifAlexawashere.”

“She’snothere,”hesaid.Hewasstillgivingmetheglare.ItriedtothinkofitthewayIdoinafight.Don’tletit

intimidateyou.Youshouldsmileandjustmoveonfromthere.Ifhethrowsapunch,youcantakeit.It’snotgoingtokillyou.

“Okay,I’lljustgiveheracalllaterthen,thanks.”Istartedtostepbackandheopenedthedoorallthewayandsaid,

“Comein.”Itseemedmorelikeathreatthananinvitation,butwhatwasI

goingtodo…run?Iwentinsideandalmostgulpedasheslammedthedoorbehindme.

“Sit,”hesaid.

IwentintothelivingroomanddidasIwastold.Ididn’tseeanygunsoutthathemayhavebeencleaning,sothatwasgood.Ismiledagain,andtriedtolookhappyaboutbeinghere.IwantedAlexa…

badly.Iwasn’tgoingtoscrewitupfurtherbygettingonthewrongsideoftheonlymaninherlife.

Herdadsatacrossfrommeandworkedtheglareagainforafewminutesbeforehefinallysaid,“Shedoesn’tneedyourdramainherliferightnow,Ian.Ifeelsodamnedbadforyouandyourfamily.Emmawasagreat

girlandIlovedhertoo.Ican’timaginewhatyou’reallgoingthrough.But…AlexaismydaughterandIlovehermorethanlifeitself.She’sgoingthroughthesamepainthatyouareandontopofthat,you’reheapingmoreonher.She’shurting,andyou’remakingitworse.”

Ifeltlikehe’djustpunchedmeinthegut.WhatwasI

supposedtosay?IwasherebecauseIcouldn’tstandthethoughtofbeingwithoutherandherfatherwashere,tellingmeIwashurtingherandshedidn’tneedme.Ineedher.

“Ineverhadanyintentionsofhurtingher.IcareaboutAlexaandsheandIhavebeenhelpingeachotherthroughthisthingwith

Emma…”

“Ifyou’rehelpingherthenwhyisshesomiserable?”

“Likeyousaid,thisisnotaneasythingtodealwithforanyofus…”hekeptinterruptingme.Iwastalkingfaster,tryingtogetmyownpointoutbeforehedid.

“She’sgrievingoverEmma,butthisismore.Thisisher

startingtothinkthatwhatshehaswithyouismorethanyouleaningonherandherleaningonyou.Thisissettingheruptofallhard.You’renothelpingher,Ian.She’snothappy.Thebestthingyoucandoforherifyoutrulycareaboutherlikeyousay…iswalkawaynow.”

“Whatifthat’snotwhatshewants?”

“She’sconfusedandhurting.Shehasnoideawhatshewantsorneedsrightnow.Leaveheraloneandshe’llbeokay.She’sstrong…butifyouhangaroundandkeephurtingherwhenshe’salreadybroken…youcouldleaveapermanentscar.I’msickofseeinghercomehomefrombeingwithyoulookinglikeherhearthasbeenbroken…again.Justleaveher

alone,Ian.She’sagoodgirl.Shedeservesbetter.”

IhadnointentionsofhurtingAlexa.Evenifthingsdidn’tworkoutforusdating,Istillcaredabouther.ShewasEmma’sbestfriendandthatalonegaveheraspecialrank.Buttherewasmorethanthat…somuchmore.Iwantedsobadlytocontinuetoexploreitandfigureout

whereitwasgoing.Thiswasallnewtome.OfcourseI’dhadgirlfriendsbefore…butnoneofthemhadaffectedmethewaythatAlexadoes.HowamIsupposedtojustwalkawayfromthat?

“Ineverwantedtohurther.”

“Idoubtthatwasyourintention…butshe’shurtingnonetheless.Sonowyouneedtomanupanddosomething

aboutit.”

“Andyouthinkthatwalkingawayfromhernowisnotgoingtohurther?”Ifailedtoseehowjustwalkingawaywhenshewasstillgoingthroughallofthiscrapwasmanningup.

“Notasbadlyasitwouldhurtherondowntheroad.Peoplegetintorelationshipsandletthemselvesbelievethatit’s

goingtobeforever.Theythrowthemselvesintoit100%andthenwhenitdoesn’tworkout…theyfeellikethey’velosteverything.Afterwhatshe’sbeenthrough,Idon’tknowifshecouldhandlethat.Itwouldbedevastating.”

Iwonderedwhatmadehimthinkitwasn’tgoingtoworkout.Ihadbeentakingthis

thingwithAlexaasitcameadayatatime.Ihadn’tconsideredmuchfartherintothefuturethanthat.WasIreadytocommittoforever?No.Iwantedher;IknewthatasmuchasIknewI’dbetakingmynextbreath.DidIwantherforever?Wasshegoingtowantmeforever?Icouldn’tanswerthatquestion,andmaybethatwaswhathewastalkingabout.

“SoyouthinkIshouldjustnotcontactheranymore?Ishouldn’tatleasttalktoheraboutthisandseewhatitisthatshewants?”

“Ithinknotcontactingherwouldbebest.She’sconfused,Ian.She’shurtingandshedoesn’tknowwhatshewants.Ifyouwalkawaynow,beforeshegetstooattached,herfeelingswillbe

hurt,butatleastherheartwon’tbebroken.”

Ifeltnumb.Iwishedhewaswrongbutwhatifhewasn’t?Ihadalreadyhurtherquiteabitintheshorttimewe’dbeentogether.Iwas,byhistory,ascrewup.Whatmademethinkitwouldbeanydifferentfromhereonout?Wasitokayformetoriskhurtingherbecauseof

whatIwanted?NotifIreallycaredabouther…andIdid…Ido.

“Okay,”Isaid.

“Okay?You’llleaveheralone?”

Hesoundedsurprised.MaybeIhadgivenintooeasily.Fuck,Ihavenoidea.

“Yeah,I’llleaveheralone.Idon’twanttohurther.”

“Thankyou,Ian.”HelookedrelievedandIrealizedthatheknewIreallyhadthepowerheretorefuse.Diditmakemelessofamanfornotrefusinghim,ormore?Ihadnofuckingclue,butlately,thatwasapermanentstateofmindforme.

Iwenthome,feelinglikeabiggerpieceofcrapthanIhadbefore.Ilostmysister

andnowIfeltlikeI’dlostmybestfriend.Iwantedtohitsomething.Ipacedaroundtheapartmentforawhilelikeacagedanimalandfinallywenttothegym.

Iwentstraightforthebag.Iwantedtojustwailonit,Iwassofrustrated.ButIknewthatIhadtofindsomecontrolsomewhere,soIjustranitlikearegularcircuit

workout.Istartedwithmyrightleg,doinglowkicksforfivereps.WhenIworkedoutonthebag,I’dgottengoodatusingmyimaginationtopicturemyopponentandwheremykicksandpuncheswouldbelandingonaliveperson.Today,IpicturedKristie.Iwouldnever,everhither…butitwascathartictothinkaboutit.

Ikickedthelowerhalfofthebag,picturingherlegs…thoselong,overlytannedlegs.IdidapivotonmysupportfootandturnedmyhipasIdeliveredthekick.Maximumpower.ThenIswitchedlegsanddidanotherfivebeforeswitchingtohigh-kick.Ikickedthetopofthebag…aimingforheroverlymade-upface.IdidfiveofthoseoneachlegandbythattimeI

wasstartingtosweat.Itriedtovisualizethestressleavingmybodywiththesweat.

Iletmyselfreallystartpunchingthen.Istartedwithtwentystraightpunches,alternatinghands.IguessI’mnotacompleteassholebecauseeventhoughItriedtovisualizeKristie’sheadsnappingbackasIthrewthepunch,Icouldn’tdoit.I

replaceditwithavisualoftheguyI’dbefightingforthechampionship,Gilbert“Gil”Morris.Ididn’thaveanyproblempicturinghisheadbobbingwiththeimpactofmyfist.

Iswitchedtoalefthookanddidtwentyofthosetooandthendiditallagainwitharighthook.Ifinishedupwithakneestrike…Ididfiveof

thoseoneachleg.

BeforeIleftthegymIshowered,andonthewayhomeIgotsomethingtoeat.BythetimeIgotbacktomyapartment,Iwasfeelingalittlebetter.Iwalkedinanddroppedmybagandspenttherestoftheafternoonandeveningveggingoutinfrontofthetelevision,watchingmindlesssitcoms.

IwasgettingreadytocallitanightwhenIheardmytextmessagetone.IrealizedthenthatIhadleftthephoneinmygymbag.Ihadn’tevenmissedit.IwentandfisheditoutandwhenIsawthetextwasfromAlexa,Ifeltasharppaininmychest.Thiswasthemomentoftruth.WasIgoingtokeepthepromiseImadetoherdad?DidIwantto?Theanswertothesecond

questionwasno.Ididn’twantto.Iwantedtoreachouttoher.Iachedforit.ButI’dmadeapromiseandwithgoodreason.Ididn’twanttohurther.Shediddeservebetterthanthat.Witha“Fuck!”outloudtotheemptyroom,Iturnedthephoneoff,tosseditbackinthebagandwenttobed.CHAPTERFIVE

AfterIpulledmyselftogether,Iendeduphavingagoodtimeatthemall.EverythingcontinuedtoremindmeofEmma,butItriedtoapproachallthosethoughtsfromthepointofviewofgoodmemories.IallowedmyselftosmilewhenIrememberedhowshehadoncewalkedthroughthe

electronictoysectionatthetoystoreandpushedabuttononeachtoysobythetimewelefttheaisleitwasacacophonyofnoise.Igotanicedcoffeeattheplacewheresheusedtobuyanentirebagofchocolatecoveredcoffeebeansandeatuntilshegota“buzz,”sheusedtosay.Itriedonbathingsuitsandrememberedbeingherewithherlastyearbeforeweleftfor

collegedoingthesamething.Ichokedupoverthatonealittlebit,butIfoughtthroughit.IwashopefulwhenIlefttherethatonedayallofmymemoriesofherwouldbringasmiletomyfaceinsteadofapaintomyheart.

Thetimealonewasgoodforme;Dadhadbeenrightaboutthat.Iendedupbuyingafewthings,butIdidn’tbreakthe

bankandIhadanepiphanyonthewayhome.I’dspentmydaythinkingaboutEmmamostly,butoccasionallyI’dletIanslipinthere.IrealizedwhenhedidthatIcompletelybelievedhimwhenhetoldmethatnothinghappenedbetweenhimandhisex.Ibelievedhimrightaway.Ididn’tdoubthimatall.IhadtoexaminewhythatwasandthedecisionIcameupwith

wasthatitwasbecauseItrustedhim.Itrusthim.Ihavefunwithhim.Icantalktohim.I’mcrazyattractedtohim.SowhywasItorturingmyself?MaybeIwasbecomingaddictedtothedrama.Ineededtogetpastthatcrapthatwasforsure.IknewwhatIwantedandIneededtojustgoforit.Iwantedtobewithhim,morethananything.

WhenIgothomeIfoundDadinthebackyard,mowingthelawn.Ipouredhimaglassoficedteaandtookitouttohim.

“Thankyou.So,howwasit?”heasked.

“Itwasgood.Reallygood.Thankyouforsuggestingit.”IhandedhimtheAMEXcardandsaid,“IonlyboughtacouplethingsandIhad

enoughsoIdidn’tusethecard.ButthanksDad,foreverything.”Ihuggedhim.Hesmelledlikefresh-cutlawnandDad.IthoughtabouttellinghimthatI’dalsodecidedtokeepseeingIan…butIthoughtmaybeIshouldtalktoIanfirstandheandIcoulddecidetogetherwherewewereatandwherewewantedtoletthisthinggo.ThatwaywhenDadstarted

askingquestions,Iwouldhaveanswers.Besides,Igotthefeelingitwasn’twhathewantedtohear.BeforeIwenttobedIsentIanatextthatsaid,“I’dliketoseeyou.Canwetalk?”

Ileftitatthatandwenttosleep.IsleptalotbetterthanIhadthenightbefore.ThefirstthingIdidafterIonceagainshookoffthehorror

thatwasbeginningtobethemorningnormforme,wasreachforthephone.IwasliterallystunnedwhenIsawthathe’dneverresponded.Thatwasstrange.Ididn’tletmyselfpanicoveritthough,rememberingmypromisetostoplivinginthedrama.Ijustsenthimanotheronethatsaid,

“Hey!Didyougetmytext?”

Igotupafterthatandwentaboutmymorningroutine.Irefusedtoevencarrythephonearoundwithme.Itrustedthathewouldtextback.ItookmyshowerandthenIstayedbusyforthenextcoupleofhoursdoinglaundryandcleaninguparoundthehouse.Mydadhadgonetovisithisfriend,soIhadthehousetomyself.Iturnedupthemusicandwhile

IcleanedIthoughtaboutwhatIwouldsaywhenIsawIan.Iwasgoingtotellhimthatweneededtojuststartfreshandbehonestabouteverything.Ireallywantedittoworkwithhim,andIthoughtthathedidtoo.Ithinkwehavebothbeensoafraidthattheotherwasonlyinthisfortheshorttermwhilethegriefpassedthatwewereafraidtobecompletely

honestabouthowwewerefeeling…atleastIhad.Iwashopinghefeltthesame.

AfterIfinishedthehouseworkIletmyselfcheckmyphoneagain.Thereweretwotextmessages.Onefrommydadthatsaid,“HeyPrincess.Justcheckingin.Youdoingokaytoday?”

Itextedback:“I’mgood,Dad.Don’tworry.Have

fun.”

TheothermessagewasfromagirlfromschoolnamedHeather.Heathersaid,

“Justwantedtomakesureyouweredoingokay.Haven’theardfromyou.Worried.”

Heatherwasanewfriend,butshewasagoodone.ImeasuredallmyfriendsbyEmmastandards.Mostof

themdidn’tpass.Thebarwassetprettyhigh.TheoddswerelookinggoodforHeatherthough.ShewouldnevertakeEmma’splace,butshecoulddefinitelyworkoutasalong-termclosefriend.Itextedback.

“Thanksforcheckingin.I’mhanginginthere.Ihopeyouandeveryoneatschoolaredoingwell.Imissyouguys,

buthomeiswhatIneedrightnow.Maybewecanhavedinnerordrinksnextweek?”

Iwastryingtostall.Ididn’twanttohavetofacethefactthattherewasnothingfromIan.Suddenlymymindstartedgoingtodarkplaces.Whatifsomethinghappened?Whatiftherewassomethingwrong?Noonewouldthinktocallmeifhewasinan

accident.NooneexceptmydadevenreallyknewthatIanandIwereinvolved.IdecidedI’dcallhimandifhewasinthehospitalorsomething,someoneelsewouldanswerifitrang,right?Ipulleduphisnumberandpressedsend.Iheldmybreath,butIdidn’thavetoholditforlong.Itwentstraighttovoicemail.Whatthehell?Maybehewasatthe

gym…butwouldthatexplainwhyhedidn’tanswermytexts?

Ispentthenexthourworrying,pacingandtryingtocallhimback.Ievenconsideredcallinghismom,justtoseeifsheheardfromhim.ThenIthoughtabouthowhorriblethatwouldbeifsomethingreallywaswronganddecidedagainstit.Itjust

didn’tmakesensetomewhyhewouldn’ttextmeback…orwhyhehadhisphoneoff.WhenIlefthisapartment,neitherofuswasangry…atleastIdidn’tthinkso.IjusttoldhimIneededsomespace,andhegavethattome.ItoldhimIwasn’tangryandIdon’trecalldoinganythingthatshouldhaveupsethim.Sowhywasheignoringmenow?Therehadtobe

somethingwrong,itwastheonlyexplanationIcouldcomeupwith.Igrabbedmypurseandkeysandheadedouttohisapartmenttofindout.

WhenIgotthereandknockedonthedoor,Ihadbutterfliesinmystomach.Icouldn’tstoplettingmymindgotothoseuglyplaceswheresomethingterriblehappened

tohimandhisparentsandIwouldhavetogothroughwhatwehadwithEmma,alloveragain.Hedidn’tansweronthefirstknock,soIknockedagain,thattimemoreurgently.Afewsecondspassedandhepulledthedooropen.Firsthelookedsurprised…andthenannoyed.Washethatunhappytoseeme?

“Alexa?Whatareyoudoinghere?”Iguessthatansweredmyquestion.

“You’renotansweringmytextsormycalls.Iwasworriedaboutyou.”Whywasn’theinvitingmein?Hehadhisbodyinthedoorwaylikehewasbarringmyentrance.Talkabouthostilebodylanguage.Whatthehell?

“I’mfine,”hesaid.“Iwasjustonmywayout.Ihavetomeetwiththefightpromoter.”Hereachedovertothetablenexttothedoorandpickeduphiskeys.Thenhetwistedthelockandsteppedout.Ididn’twanttothinkhehadsomeoneelseinthere,butitwasalmostlikehewantedmeto.

“Ian?What’swrong?”

“Nothing’swrong.Itoldyou,I’mfine.Ijusthavetogo.I’mrunninglate.”Heturnedhisbackonmeandheadedforthestairs.Iwasfreakingoutalittle.Iwentoverandstoodbetweenhimandthestairwell.

“Ian,talktome.Areyouangrywithme?Ijustneededsometime,Ithoughtyouunderstoodthat.Iwasn’t

mad….”

“I’mnotangry,Alexa,butI’mgettingthere.Ineedtogoandyou’remakingmelate.Youneedtojustletmego,okay?”

“Whyareyoutreatingmelikethis?Ididn’tdoanythingwrong?”Hepushedpastme,notliterally,hedidn’ttouchme,buthebrushedbyandwentdownthestairs.Again,I

followedhim.MaybeIneededtolearnwhentogiveup.“Ian,pleasetalktome!”Hejustignoredmeandkeptwalking.I’mnotsurewhatIthoughtIwasgoingtoaccomplish,butIkeptfollowinghim.Iwashurtandangryandreally,reallypissedthatIwaspracticallybegginghimtotalktomeandhewouldn’t.

“Ian!”Isaidonemoretimeashegotintohiscar.ThenIstoodthereandwatchedhimleave,notevenglancingatmeashedid.MychestwasachingandIfeltlikeIcouldn’tbreathe.Whywouldhedothistome?Ifhedidn’twanttobewithme,didn’tIatleastdeservetoknowwhy?Whywasheactinglikesuchajerk?

Iwentbackhomeandstayedinmyroomtherestofthedayandnight.WhenDadgothome,IpretendedlikeIwasasleep.Ididn’twanttotalktohimaboutIan.Ididn’twanttotalkaboutanything.IwastoobusyobsessingoverwhatIdidtowarrantIan’sattitudeearlier.IkeptgoingoverourrecentconversationsinmyheadandIcouldn’tcomeupwithanexplanationforhis

behavior.Justbeforehisex-girlfriendgotthere,wehadbeenhavingagreattime.Whatthehellhappenedbetweenthenandnow?IknewitwasgoingtodrivemecrazyifIdidn’tatleastfindoutwhy.Whenthereminderwentoffonmyphoneforhisfightthenextnight,IdecidedthatIwasgoingtogoandafterwards,hewasgoingtotalktome

whetherhelikeditornot.CHAPTERSIX

Iwenttothemeetingwithmypromoter,sicktomystomachabouthowI’dtreatedAlexa.Iknowthatithurther,IcouldseeitalloverherfaceandIhadtowonderifthiswasanybetterthancontinuingtoseeherwouldhavebeen.I’d

madeapromisetoherfatherthoughandIfeltlikesinceheknewhisdaughteralotbetterthanIdid,hehadtoknowwhathewastalkingabout.WhileIwasinmymeeting,myphonebuzzedtwice.IcheckeditonmywayoutoftheofficeandsawthatonewasfrommymotherandtheotherfromKristie.Fuck!Thatwomanjustcouldn’ttakenoforananswer.I

ignoredtheonefromKristieandcheckedtheonefromMom.Itjustsaid,

“Ian,I’msorrytobotheryouhoneybutifyouhaveaminute,couldyoustopbytoday?”

Myheadwasalreadypounding,butwhatchoicedidIreallyhave?ItextedherbackandtoldherIwasonmyway.WhenIgotthere,I

foundherandmydadbothsittingoutonthebackpatio.IstoppedandlookedouttheglassdoorsatthemforafewminutesbeforetheyknewthatIwasthere.Theybothlookedsoold.Theyweren’tevenlookingateachother,bothjuststaringoffintospaceasiftheotheronewasn’teventhere.Icouldn’thelpbutwonderhowlongtheirrelationshipwasgoing

tobeabletosurvivethis.TheyhadbeenmarriedalmostthirtyyearsandtherewasatimewhenIwouldhaveswornnothingcouldhavetornthemapart.ButnobodycouldhaveeveranticipatedlosingEmma.Iknowtheylovemeandlosingmewouldhavebeenhard…butlosingEmmawaslikesomeonejustflippedthelightswitchintheirworldoffand

theyhadnoideahowtoturnitbackon.

Iforcedmyselftogooutthereandputonahappyface.

“Higuys!”IsaidasIslidopenthedoor.

“HiIan,”Momsaid.Ikissedhercheek.

“Heybuddy,”mydadsaid,gettinguptogivemeahug.Isatdownatthetablewith

themandsaid,“Sowhat’sup?”

MomandDadlookedateachotherandsomethingpassedbetweenthem.FinallytheybothlookedatmeandMomsaid,“We’regoingtosellthehouse.”

“What?Why?”

Dadlookedatmewithsadeyesandsaid,“Because

neitherofuscanstandtobehereanylonger,Ian.Therearetoomanymemories…it’stoopainful.Yourmotherthinksthisisthesolution.”

Icouldtellbythewayhe’dsaidthat,hewasn’ttoosure.“Soyou’regoingtosellit?You’rejustgoingtogetridofthememoriesofmysister’schildhood…andIknowthisdoesn’tmattertoanyone,but

minetoo?”

“OhIan,honeypleasedon’tsaythat.Ofcourseyoursmattertoo.”MomwasgettingtearsinhereyesandDadlookedlikesomeonewasshovingneedlesinhisbodyoverandover.Ifeltbadforthemboth,butIwaspissed.Momwenton.

“Itjusthurtssomuchtobesurroundedbythememories

dayinanddayout.Everythinghereremindsusofher.It’snotthatwewanttoforgetherhoney…it’sjustthatneitherofusseemstobeabletogetpastthisgrief.Wecan’tmoveon.We’rejuststuck.Wewerehopingifwesoldthehouseandstartedover,wecouldtakehermemorieswithus,butwewouldn’tbesurroundedbythem.Iknowthishasbeen

yourhomeyourwholelifetoo.Ofcoursewethoughtaboutyou.Wehaven’teventalkedtoarealtoryet.Wewantedtotalktoyoufirst.”

“Soyou’dsellit,andthenwhat?Wherewouldyougoandstartover?”

“Wewerethinkingmaybeanapartmentinthecity.Dad’sworkisthereanywaysandIcouldfindlotstodotokeep

mebusy…Pleasedon’tbeangry,Ian,”Mom’svoicecracked.

“I’mnotangry.I’mjust…confused,Iguess.Iknowthatyouneedtobeabletomoveon…andIwantthat,forbothofyou.But…”

“Itfeelslikewe’rerunningaway.”

Dadhitthenailonthehead.

Itfeltliketheywererunningaway.Asstupidasitsounded,itfeltliketheywereabandoningme.“Iguessitfeelsthatwaybecauseweare,”hesaid.Hegavemymotheranothersidewaysglanceandsaid,“Wewenttoagriefsupportgrouplastweekandwhenwementionedthatwe’dthoughtaboutdoingthis,theresponsewasoverwhelmingly

negative.”IsuddenlyknewthiswasentirelyMom’sdecision,nothis.Hewasgoingalongwithitforherpeaceofmind,Iguess.Iwasjustafraidthey’dgothroughwithitandnotfindthepeacetheywerelookingfor.

“Whywastheresponsenegative?”Iasked.I’dneverlostachild,butthepeopleatthisgroupmyparentswentto

have.Itwouldstandtoreasonthatthey’dknowalotmoreaboutit.

“Theysaythatalotofpeopledoit,thinkingit’sgoingtohelp,anditdoesn’t,”Momsaid.Thenshelookedatmewiththosesadblueeyesandsaid,“ButIan,we’vetriedeverythingelse.”Sheglancedbackatmyfatheragain.Hewasn’tlookingateitherone

ofusbuthestartedtalkingagain,

“Theyalsotalkedaboutthesiblings,”hesaid,lookingatmefinally.“Theytalkedabouthowyourowngriefoverwhelmsyousomuchthatagrievingparenttendstoforgetthattheirchildrenaregrievingtoo.Ithinkwe’vedonethistoyouandwefeelsobadlyaboutit.I’mworried

thatyou’regoingtolookatthisasanotherwaywe’releavingyoubehind.”

“That’snotit!”Momsaid,cryingagain,“Ijustcan’tstandanotherdaysittinginthishousethinkingthatit’salwaysgoingtobethisway.”Ipulledmychairovercloserandhuggedher.Icouldseemyfatheroutofthecornerofmyeye.Helookedsobroken.

God,Ihatethis.

IheldmymomandletthisallrunthroughmyheadandthenIsaid,“I’mgoingtosaythisandthenyoutwocandowhateveritisyouthinkisright.Iloveyoubothtoo,andIknowyouloveme.IknowthatbeingaroundEmmawaslikebreathinglifeitselfin,andit’shardtobreathewithoutheraround.She

wasn’tmychild,somaybewhatI’mfeelingisdifferent…butthewaythatI’vebeenabletocopeandgetoutofbedeachdaysincethishappenedwasbyhangingontothememories.Ineedtosayhernameoutloudandtellstoriesabouther.AlexaandIhavespentalotoftimetogethertalkingabouther.Itmakeslosingherfeellessfinal.Iknowthetwoofyou

rememberhereverysecond…butyoudon’ttalkabouther.LikeIsaid,shewasn’tmychildsoIcouldbewrong…butIdon’tseethatgettingridofthememories…theverythingsthatarekeepingheraliveisgoingtohelp.”

“Ifeelthesame,”myfathersaid.MomstartedcryingagainandIspentareallylongtimejustholdingherand

lettinghercry.BythetimeIleft,overanhourlater,theywereatleasttalkingtoeachotheraboutexploringsomeotheroptionsbeforetheymadesuchahugedecision.

IhatethisshitandeverytimeIfeelthiswaytheonlythingIwantbesidesmysisterbackistotalktoAlexa.NowI’vescrewedthatupandIdidn’tknowwhattodowithallof

theemotions.Igotinthecarandjustsatthereforawhile.Then,Ilookedatthephoneandasbadlyasitworkedoutthelasttime,IactuallyreadKristie’smessage.

“Ian.I’msorryIshowedupwithoutcallingtheothernight.Iunderstandwe’renottogether,butcan’twestillbefriends?”

Onimpulse,likeIseemedto

bedoingeverythinglatelyItextedherback,“Yes.Wecanbefriends.Icoulduseonetoday.”

Almostimmediatelysheresponded,“Areyouathome?”

“Headingtherenow.”

“I’llberightthere.”

Damnit!Whatthehelliswrongwithme?Iglancedup

atmyparents’houseandImadeamentallist:Mysisterisdead.ThegirlIthoughtImightbefallingforisoutofmylife.MyparentsaresellingtheonlyrealhomeI’veeverknownandallofmysister’smemories…Kristieiswillingtobethereforme.Ican’tstandthethoughtofbeingalonerightnow.

Iputthecarinreverseandbackedoutofthedriveway.Igavethehouseonemoreglance.Isawtheimageofmysister,playingsoccerinthefrontyardwhenshewassevenandshedecidedshewantedtobeMiaHamm.Ascrazyasitsounds,Iwavedather.Shewavedbackwiththatbig,classic,Emmasmile.IletthetearsoverwhelmmeandIcriedallthewaybacktomy

apartment.

IsawKristie’scarasIgotclosetotheparkinglotsoIcircledtheblockonceandcleanedupmyface.WhenIfinallypulledintothelot,shegotoutofhercarandcameovertomeetme.

“Howareyoudoing?”shesaid.Shesoundedsincere,orIwantedtobelievethatshewas.

“Upanddown,”Itoldher.ShehuggedmeandmyfirstthoughtwashowmuchbetteritwouldfeeltohugAlexa.

“Youwanttogogetadrinkorsomething?”shesaid.

“No.Ihaveafighttomorrow.Idon’tdrinkbeforeafight.Itgetsmeallbloated.”

“Okay.MaybeIcouldjusthangoutwithyouforawhile

then?”

“Yeah,okay.”

WhyIdidn’tjustsayno?WhyhadItextedherbackinthefirstplace…Ihadnoidea.Iputmyselfintothesesituations.Iguessthedramadistractedmemaybefromthegrief.Shefollowedmeuptotheapartmentandwewentinside.Igotusbothabottleofwaterandwesatdownon

thecouch.Itwasuncomfortable.Ihadnoideawhattosaytoher.

“Ian?”shesaid.

“Yeah?”

“Iknowthingshavebeenbadbetweenuslately,butIamreallysorryaboutwhatyou’regoingthrough.Iwishyouwouldletmehelp.”

“Iappreciatethat,”Itoldher,

“butI’mnotsurehowyoucan.”

“Youneedafriend…”

RealitywashedovermeandIsaid,“Weneverreallywerefriends,Kristie.Wewerelovers…atbest.”ShelookedhurtandIfeltbad,butitwasthetruth.ThatwasthebigdifferencebetweenherandAlexa.IreallyfeltlikeAlexawasmyfriend,notjust

becauseshewasEmma’sfriend,butbecausesheandIlegitimatelyhadalotincommon.

“Idon’trememberitthatway,”shesaid.“Wedidalotofotherthingsbesidessex.Thesexwasfantastic.”Shelookedatmeasiflookingforconfirmation.Ikeptmyfaceneutral.OnceagainIwasthinking,“Notlikeitiswith

Alexa.”

“Butwedidotherthings.”

Ifinallynodded.Ifthat’showshewantedtorememberit,Iguessitdidn’treallyhurtanythinganditmadeherfeelbetter.ItwasatthatmomentitdawnedonmethatascrazyasIaccusedherofbeing…maybealotofitwasmyfault.HowmanytimeshaveItextedherlatelybecauseI

wasdesperateforcompany,onlytoenduptellinghertogetlost?

“HeyKristie,”Isaid.

“Yeah?”

“IthinkIoweyouareallybigapology.”

“Forwhat?”

“Allofthisbackandforthstuff.It’snotfair.Itellyou

we’reoverandItellyoutoleavemealoneandthenIcallyouandtellyoutocomeover.Ithastobeconfusing.I’msorry.”

Shelookedsurprisedanditmademefeelevenworsetothinkmyapologywouldshockher.

“Itisconfusing,”shesaid.“Butit’sokay.Iknowyou’vebeenthroughsomuchandI

understandthatyou’reconfusedyourself.You’respendingtimewiththat…theredhead.ShewasafriendofEmma’sright?”

“Yeah.HernameisAlexa.”

“I’msureitmakesyoufeelclosertoEmmatobewithoneofherfriends…butwhenyouhavethatoutofyoursystem,IwantyoutoknowthatI’llstillbehereforyou.”

“BeingwithAlexastartedoutaboutEmma,”Itoldher,“butsinceI’mtellingyouthetruthhere,Ihavetotellyouthatit’snotaboutEmmaanymore.Ireallylikeher…”

“Thenwhyisn’tsheherewithyou?Whydidyoutextme?”

“Honestly?BecauseI’man

ass.Ikeeptellingyouthat

we’reoverandthenIget

upsetorlonelyandItextyou

back.It’swrongofme.”Iset

thewaterdownandstoodup.

“I’msorry,Kristie.Myhead

hasbeensoscrewedup.The

truthisthatwebothknow

thisisnotgoinganywhere,

andIneedtostopdoingthis

toyou…andtomyself.”Shestayedwhereshewasonthecouch.

Lookingupatme,shesaid,“Seriously?You’rekickingmeout,again?”

“ThiswasjustabadideaandI’mreallysorry.MyheadhasbeenreallyscreweduplatelyandIdon’thaveanyrightto

dothistoyou…”

Shestoodupthenandpressedherlipstomine.Itfeltforeigntobekissingher,andwrong.Itwasn’tonlybecauseIwantedAlexasobadly…itwasbecauseIknewifIkissedherback…ifIhadsexwithher,I’dbeusingher.IalsoknowthatI’dbeperpetuatingherobsession.Ineededtoputastoptothis,

onceandforall.Itookherarmsandgentlyheldherback.

“Kristie,youneedtogo,okay?Wejustneedtomakeacleanbreakhere.Iwon’tdothistoyouagain.”Shetriedtocometowardsmeagain.Shehadahellofatimewithbeingrejected.Iheldherbackandusedmyholdonhertopointhertowardsthedoor.

Thenoutofguilt,Iapologizedagainandsaid,“Oneofthesedays,you’llfindsomeonethatmakesyouhappy.Butnotifyoukeephangingaroundwaitingforthingstoworkoutwithme.”Shedidn’tsayanything.Shejustlookedatmewithhurtinhereyesandleft.ItwasthesecondtimeintwodaysthatI’dmadeawomanfeellikeshit.Iwasonaroll.

CHAPTERSEVEN

ThenextdayIwentonlineanddidalittlejobsearching.Ifilledoutafewapplications,butmyheartwasn’treallyintoit.IkeptcheckingmyphoneeveryfiveminutestoseeifI’dmissedacalloratext.BythateveningIstillhadn’theardfromIan.Dad

gothomewhenIwasgettingreadyforthefight.IliedandtoldhimIwasgoingtomeetHeather.Iwasn’tinthehabitoflyingtomyfather,really.ButuntilIknewwhereIanandIstood,Ididn’twanttotalktohimandlethisopinions…allnegative,I’msure,seepintomybrainandinfluencemydecisions.

Iwenttothefightandsatin

myseatagainnearthebackandwaited.IhadthattickleinmybellythatIalwaysgotwhenIknewIwasgoingtoseehim.Iwasn’tsurehowIwasgoingtohandleitifthisthingbetweenuswasreallyover.I’dgottenevenmoreattachedthanIhadletmyselfadmit.Ievenreallylikedthisfightstuff,whichwasweird.I’dstartedusingfighttermsasanalogies.Forexample,

whenhewalkedawayfrommeyesterday,Ifeltlikehehadpunchedmeinthegut.

IheardthecrowdroarandeveryonegottotheirfeetasIanmadehiswaydowntheaisle.Istooduptoo,feelingthebutterfliesinmystomachtakeflightatthesightofhim.Peoplewerechantinghisnameoverandover.Helookedalmostoblivioustoit

andsadly,itremindedmeagainofyesterdayandhowoblivioushehadbeentomypleas.

Myheartwasbeatinghardlikeitalwaysdidwhenhetookhisplaceintheoctagon.Itwasamixtureoffearofhimgettinghurtandexcitementatwatchinghimwin.EvenfrombackasfarasIwassitting,the

determinationonhisfacewasapparent.Hisnamewasstillrollingofftheannouncer’stongueasheturnedandraisedhishandintheairtowardsthecrowd.HewasconfidentandIthoughtthatwassosexy.IcouldseethewayhewasfocusedononlythefightinthesetofhisjawandIwatchedasheclosedhiseyes,tookadeepbreathandthenopenthematthe

soundofthebell.

Ianandhisopponent,aguynamedBustin’Billy,cametothecenterofthering.Therefereedidhistalkandtheyhitfistsandseparated…untilthebellrang.AsIancameouttowardsBilly,Icouldn’thelpbutlookathischiseledabsandchestandrememberthelasttimeIgottotracethemuscleswithmyhands.I

wantedtodoitagain…rightnow.Thetwomenwerecirclingeachother,fistsup…Ian’seyeslookedlikeapredator’sandIthoughtifIwasBilly,I’dbeveryafraid.

Ianstrucksuddenlywithoutwarning,hisfistconnectingagainstBilly’smidriff.Hispunchesweresolidandquickandinrapidsuccession.Billy’sfistcameupafterthe

thirdpunchandheadedforthesideofIan’sface,butIanmovedintimeforittoflyrightbyandreturnedalmostimmediatelywitharighttoBilly’sstomachthatdoubledhimover.Alefthookwhilehewasbentinhalfsenthimsprawlingontothecanvasfloor.

BillyrolledawayasIanpouncedandtheywrestled

aroundonthefloorforawhile,bothmenfailingtogettheupperhand.Whenthebuzzerrangtherefereehadtourgethemapart.ItwasthefirstoneofIan’sfightsI’deverwatchedwhereitseemedliketherewassomethingpersonalbetweenhimhisopponent.

Ian’strainerwasononekneetalkingtohimfuriously.

Whateverhewassaying,itdidn’tlooklikeIanwaslistening.Helookedlikehejustcouldn’twaitforthebelltoringagain.Whenitdidhejoggedout,rightintoBilly’sfist.Hisheadflewback,butbeforeBillycouldevengetoffanotherswingIanthrewoutajabthatlandedhardonBilly’schin.Whenhisheadwasback,Ianwentforhisribs.Helandedonehard

punchtoBilly’ssidebeforetheothermanmanagedtogetaway.Iantriedtolandaroundhousekicknext,butBillyspunbackandthrewhismassivearmoutandconnectedwithIan’slegs,knockinghimdown.IanwentdownhardonhisbackandBillyjumpedonhim,tryingtopinhim.IanwasabletobringhislegsupandgetaholdofBillyinascissor

holdandfliphimoff.Billywasquick;Ihadtogivehimthat.HescrambledtohisfeetbeforeIangotupandhewasreadyforathunderousrightcrossthatlandedonthesideofIan’sface.Ianbarelyflinchedandcamebackathimwithaseriesofpunchesandjabs,notstoppinguntilhehadhimbackedagainstthemeshandthebuzzersoundedfortheendofroundtwo.

IwatchedashistrainerputatowelacrossIan’sshouldersandhandedhimhisdrink.Iansqueezedwhateveritwasintohismouthandthetrainerstartedtalkingagain.Onceagain,Ianseemedtobeignoringhim.Ifeltbetter…maybeitwasn’tjustme.

Iancameoutonthethirdroundlookinglikehejustwantedtofinishthis.Billy

threwajabathimandhedodgedit,comingbackwithathunderoushookintohisopponent’smidriff.Billy’sgruntwasaudiblebuthedidn’tgodown.Hetriedgettingoffhisownhookbutbeforehedid,Iansnappedbackwithajabthatlandeddirectlyinthecenterofhisfaceandanimmediateuppercutwhichdidknockhimtotheflooronhisback.

IanwaitedandassoonasBillyrolledovertotryandpushhimselfup,hepounceddownonhimandwrappedhisarmaroundBilly’sneck.HepulledupandBillystruggledwithhimforalmostafullminutebeforehehadtoconcededefeat.Heraisedhishandandletitdrop,twice.Iangotupandstoodthere,breathinghardandwaiting.TherefereecheckedonBilly

andthenlethistrainerhelphimgetupandgobacktohissideofthecagebeforeturningtoIanandholdinguphisarm.Hewon.Again.IwasimpressedasusualandfullofadrenalinemyselfandselfishlyhappybecauseIthoughtthatwouldalsomeanhewouldbeinagoodmoodandhewouldtalktome.Iwaswrong.

IgotupbeforehestarteddowntheaisleandIwaitednearthedoorhealwaysdisappearsthroughintheback.Hewassmilingashecameoutoftheoctagonandonthewaydowntheaisle,heevenhigh-fivedafewguysandsignedanautograph…andthenhesawmeandhestopped.Imean,literallystopped…deadinhistracks.Peoplestartedcrowding

aroundhimandIthinkherealizedthathecouldn’tjuststandtheresohecamemywayagainandwhenhegotthere,hereachedforthedoor…likehewasjustgoingtowalkrightpastme.

“Ian…”

“Whatareyoudoinghere,Alexa?”Itwasaknifestraightthroughtheheart.

“Icametowatchyoufight.I’dreallyliketotalktoyoutoo.”

“Ihaveaninterviewafterthis.Ineedtohittheshower.Idon’thavetimeforthisAlexa.”

“Maketime,”Itoldhim,gettingpissedoffnow.“I’mnotleavinguntilyouagreetotalktome.”

“Shit!Ireallydon’thavetimeforthis.”Thatseemedtobethethemelately.

“Really?BecauseIgetthefeelingthatyoujustwantmetodisappearsoyoudon’thavetobreakupwithmetomyface.It’snotgoingtohappen.Ifyoudon’twanttoseemeanymorethenmanupandtellme.”

Hesighed.“That’snotit,

Alexa…”

“Thenwhatisit?”

“Ian!”Histrainerwascallingtohim.

“Ineedtogo.MeetmeatFatteAlbert’stomorrowatnoon.We’lltalkthen.”

“Okay,I’llbethere…butmakesurethatyouaretoo,”Itoldhim.FatteAlbert’swasapizzaparlornearhis

apartment.

“Iwill,”hesaid.Hegavemeasadlookandthenjoggedofftomeethistrainer.Iwouldhavelikedtotalktonightandgetitoverwith,soIcouldstopobsessingandgettosleep.But,itwasmorethanIhadtostartwith,soIwashappy.CHAPTEREIGHT

I’mnotsurewhatthesoundwasthatstartledmeawake,butIwasthankfulforit.Iwashavinganightmare…again.SinceEmmadied,Ihadthemalmosteverynight.Ionlyrememberedpartsofthem,buttheywereallaboutmysisterbeingdead,andsometimesinthedreamIwastherewithher…deadtoo.I

wokeuphot,withmybodybathedinacoldsweat.Thesheetswouldbesoakedwithitandtwisteduplikerestraintsaroundmyarmsandlegs.Myhearthammeredlikearabbit’sagainstmyribcageandIwouldhavetositthereandtellmyselfthatitwasdarkbecauseitwasnightandtheshadeswereclosed…notbecauseIwasdeadandinaboxintheground.Andthen

IwouldrememberthatEmmawas.Somenights,liketonight,I’dhavetogetoutofbedandemptymystomachintothetoiletafterthatrealization.WhenIfinisheddoingthat,IjustletmyselfslidedownontothecoldlinoleumfloorandIsatthereandwonderedwhenthiswouldevergetbetter.WhenwasIevergoingtobefreeofthiscloyinggriefthatcame

outofnowhereandattacheditselfaroundmynecklikeaweight,draggingmedown…pullingmeintothedeependoftheocean…?

IsatthereuntilmyheartcalmeddownandthenauseapassedandthenIwentintothekitchenforabottleofwater.Theclockonthestovesaidfivea.m.Iprobablywasn’tgoingtogetanymore

sleepthismorningbecausethefirstthoughtIhadwhenIlookedatthatclockwas,“SevenhoursuntilIseeAlexa.”NowthatIwasawakeandI’dleftthenightmareinthedark…IwouldspendthedaylighthoursobsessingoverawomanI’dpromisedtoleavealone.Inmydefense…Iwastrying.Shewastheonethatwouldn’tletitgo.Shewasn’t

goingtoletmejustwalkaway.Iwasupsetaboutthattoapoint,butinaway,Iwasgladshecaredthatmuch.

Inursedthewaterforalongtime,notwantingtothrowmystomachbackintoanupheavalandthenIchangedmyclothesandwentforarun.Iwashopingthecoolairwouldclearmyhead,butwitheachpoundofmyfoot

againstthepavementIthoughtofanewreasonwhymeetingAlexafacetofacewasabadidea.

WhenIgothome,Ishoweredandwenttothegymagain.Iwasbeatingmyselfup,exercisingwaytoomuchandeatingwaytoolittle.But,itwastheonlythingthatkeptthethoughtsinmyheadfromdrivingmecrazy…evena

littlebit.IhadnoideahowtolookAlexaintheeyeandlietotellherthatIdidn’twanttoseeheranylonger,becausethetruthwas,Iwantedhermorethanever.WhileIran,IthoughtaboutitandwhileIworkedout,Ithoughtaboutitagain.Ididn’tcometoanyconclusions.IwonderedifIshouldjustbehonestwithherandtellherthatherfatherpointedoutthatIwashurting

her.Maybehehaditallwrongandshe’dtellmethatandwe’dmoveonfromthere…somehowIdoubteditwouldbethateasy.CHAPTERNINE

JustbeforenoonIwalkedtothepizzaparlor,draggingmyfeet.IwaslateandsheprobablythoughtthatI

wasn’tcoming.Icouldpicturehersittingthere,thinkingwhatagutlesssonofabitchIwasthatIcouldn’tevenbreakupwithherinperson…andshewouldberight.ThethingshehadwrongthoughwasthatIwantedtobreakupwithher.That’swhythiswassofuckinghard.Ineverwantedanythinglessinmylife.

Ipushedopenthedoortothecrowdedlittlepizzaparlorinthebrickbuilding,buriedandalmostinvisibleintheheartofthecity.Itwasoneofthoseplacesthatattractedlocalsandgotalotofdeliveryandtake-outbusiness,butsomeonefromoutoftownwouldprobablyneverseeitandwalkinsidebecauseoftheoutsidedécor.Theyweremissingout

though.Therewasnothingbetterthantheirpizza.Thecrustwascrunchyontheoutsidebutitdidn’ttastelikecardboard.Thetoppingsalwaystastedfreshwheresometimesatotherplaces,thecheesecouldtastealittlebitovercookedorcongealed.Itwascasualandlaidback,butthefoodwasgoodenoughthatyoucouldgetawaywithtakingagirlthereonthefirst

date.Iknew,becauseI’ddonethatmorethanonce.

IsawAlexasittingneartheback.ShewassippingonaCokeandshehadn’tseenmeyet.Shehadonapairofjeancut-offsandapinkT-shirtwithwhiterosesorsomethingonit.Hershinyredhairwasdownaroundhershouldersandshebarelyhadanymakeupon.Shewasthe

prettiestthingI’deverseenandIsuddenlyfeltlikeIwantedtothrowupagain.Iwassoclosetoturningaroundandwalkingout…butthenshelookedupandnoticedmeanditwastoolate.Takingadeepbreathandtryingtomanup,Iwentovertowhereshewassittingandsatdown.

“Hi,”shesaid.Hereyes

lookedsadornervousorsomethingandIfeltbad.

“Hey,”Isaid,slidingintotheseatacrossfromher.“Didyouorder?”

“No.I’mnotreallyhungry.Ijustwantedtotalk.”

“Whatabout?”Iaskedher.Icouldn’tdothis.Icouldn’ttellherthatIdidn’twanttobewithher.Itwouldbethe

biggestlieIevertold.

Shesighedloudlyandsaid,“Really,Ian?Thisisridiculous.We’renotkids.Canyoupleasejusttellmewhathasbeengoingonwithyou,likeanadult?”

Itookalittlebitofoffenseatthatcomment.Imayhavetakenmore,ifshehadn’tbeenright.“I’vejusthadastressfulweek.Youwant

pepperoniorjustcheese?”

“IjustsaidI’mnothungry.”

“Okay,I’llberightback.”ShelookedatmelikeIwascrazy…andagain,Idon’tblameher.Igotupandwenttoorderapizzathatneitherofuswanted.IwasstallingasmuchasIcould.WhileIwasupthere,Igotmyselfadrinkandwentbacktojoinheragain.Isatthenumberplate

theygavemeattheedgeofthetableandshewatchedmeuntilIwassettledandthenshesaid,

“Goteverythingyouneed?”Hertonewassarcastic,obviouslyannoyed.Inoddedandshewentontosay,“Iwasn’tmadwhenIlefttheothernight.Iwas…annoyed,IguessandIletmyselfwonderifyouandIwere

doingtherightthingbybeingtogether.Ithoughtaboutalltheupsanddownsthatwe’vealreadyhad…butIan,Idecidedthatrightorwrongdidn’tmatter,becauseIreallywanttobewithyou…”

God,shewasfuckingkillingme.Iwantedtoreachacrossthetableandpullhertowardsmeandshovemytongueinhermouth.Iwantedtotake

herinthebathroomandpushherupagainstthewallandripthoselittleshortsrightoffofher.Iwantedtotellherthatasmuchasshethoughtshewantedme,Iwantedhermore.Instead,likethechicken-shitIwasturningouttobe,Isaidtheopposite.

“Alexa,Iknowyouweren’tmad.YouaskedforspaceandIgaveittoyou.”Itriedto

willthevisionofhernakedagainstthebrickwallinthebathroomaway.Itwasn’teasy.

“Iappreciateit,butIdon’tneeditanylonger.I’msittingheretellingyouthatIwanttobewithyou.Yousayyou’renotignoringmeandyoudon’twanttobreakupwithme,sowhyareyoupushingmeaway?”

“I’mnotpushingyouaway.Itoldyou,it’sjustbeenareallystressfulweek.I’mstillnotsleepingwell,andthentherewasthestuffwithyouandcrazyKristie.IhaveachampionshipfightcominguptooandIneedtofocus.”

“AndImakeyoulosefocus?”

Thepizzaarrived.Ilettheserversetitdownandaskifweneededanythingelse.

ThenIdidwhatanycowardwould.Ipickedupasliceandshovedabigbiteinmymouth.AlexastaredatmethewholetimeIwaschewingit.WhenIswallowedandtookadrinkofmyCokeshesaid,“Areyougoingtoanswerme?”

“I’mnotsurewhatyouwantmetosay.”

“Idon’twantyoutosay

anything.Iwantyoutotellmewhat’swrong,honestly.It’snotmuchtoask…atleastIdon’tthinkitis.Youkeepsayingnothing,butIdon’tbelieveyou.Iknowyouwellenoughnowtoknowthatthisbehaviorisnotyou.Somethingisgoingon.Whywon’tyoujusttellmewhatitissowecantalkaboutitandmoveon?”Hertonechangedthen.Icouldtellshewas

tryingtokeepitsteady,butitquiveredalittleasshesaid,“Ifyoudon’twantme,I’mabiggirl,Icantakeit.ButIdeserveforyoutotellmethattomyface.”

Ichokedonthosewords.Icouldn’ttellherthatIdidn’twanther.EvenifImanagedtosaythewords,therewasnowaytheywouldcomeoutsoundingsincere.Shewas

sittingheretellingmethatshewantedme.Iwanther.Whyiswhatherfathersaidsomuchmoreimportantthanthat?Maybehedidn’tknowwhathewastalkingaboutatall.

“That’snotit,”Ifinallysaid.NomatterwhatI’dpromised,Icouldn’tgiveupanychanceIhadwithher.“Ialreadytoldyou.I’mjustfeeling

stressed.”MaybethatexcusewouldbuymesometimetofigureoutwhatIcoulddo.

Icouldtellbythelookonherfacethatshedidn’tbelieveme…probablybecauseIwaslying.Ichokeddowntwomorepiecesofpizza,justtoavoidconversation.

Finally,shesaid,“DoyouwanttowalkovertoRotaryParkwithme?”

“I’msorry,where?”

“Tothepark,”shesaidagain.

“Why?”

“Ijustwanttobesomewherelouderthanmythoughtsforawhile.AndIwanttobewithyou.”

Shit.Shewastryingtokillme,Ithink.

“Okay,yeah.”

Theparkshewastalkingaboutwasafewblocksaway.TheyhadalotofstuffforlittlekidsandaFerriswheelandwaterslidesfortheolderones.Therewasalsoaduckpondwhereyoucouldrentlittlepaddleboatsandaninsidearcade.Shewasrightaboutthenoise…evenoutsidebytheduckponditwasloud.Irelaxedalittlebitjustbecauseitwastoonoisyto

talk.Alexainsistedontakingtheleftoverpizzaandwhenwegotnearthepond,shesatdownandstartedtearingpiecesoffandthrowingthemtothegeeseandducks.Thegeesecamerightuptousandifshedidn’tthrowonefastenough,theywouldhonkatherreallyloudly.Atonepoint,IthoughttheywereplottingourdemiseandIsuggestedtoherthatwe

moveon.

“Okay,”shesaid,“IwanttoridetheFerriswheel.”

“Really?”

Shekindoflaughed,“Yeah.You’renotafraidofheights,areyou?”

Iwasafraidthatwithallthatpizzasittinginmystomachlikealeadweight,Iwasgoingtopuke.Ididn’ttellher

thatthough.Ijustsaid,“No.I’mnotafraidofheights.”

WeboughtticketsandrodetheFerriswheel.Itdidn’tdoanythinggoodformystomachandsittingthigh-to-thighwithhermadethatpartofmyimaginationthatwantedtopinhertothebathroomwallearlier,standupandpayattention.Iwonderedwhatshewoulddo

ifIjustkissedher…hard.WhatwouldshethinkifIslippedmyfingersunderneaththeedgeofthoseshortsandfeltjustfarenoughtoseeifshewaswet?Iwantedtoknowifshewantedme.Imean,Iknowthatshesaysshedoes…butIwantedtofeelit.Iwantedhersobadthatmyextremitiesweretinglingwiththeurgetotouchher,orthelackofblood

sinceitwasallcollectedsomewhereelseatthemoment.

IbreathedasighofreliefwhenwegotofftheFerriswheel.Thequartersweretooclose.AnylongerandIwouldn’thavebeenresponsibleformyactions.AftertheFerriswheelweplayedafewmidwaygames.Weplayedtheonewhereyou

shootwaterintheclown’smouthandpoptheballoon.Shebeatmetwooutofthree.Iredeemedmyselfontheshootinggame.Shemissedeveryshot.

“Showmehowtoaimit,“shesaid.Ihopedthatshewouldn’tnoticemyhandsshakingasIstoodbehindherwithmypelvisarchedsothatmyerectionwouldn’tpoke

her.Iputmyarmsaroundherandmyhandsonherwristsandsituatedthegunforher.Herhairwasinmyfaceandshefeltsodamnedgoodthatonlyapapermanwouldnotbearousedbeingthisclosetoher.God,Idon’tthinkIcandothis….

Shegotafunnelcakeandtriedtomakemeeatsomeofit.IwassureIwouldpukeifI

did,soIpolitelydeclined.Whenshewasreadytogo,shegrabbedmyhand.

“Walkmetomycar.”

IknowIshouldhave,butIdidn’tpullitaway.IactuallygrippedhersbacksotightlythatshetoldmeIwashurtingher.Iloosenedmygrip,butIdidn’tletgo.Ineverwantedtoletgo.WhenwegotbacktohercarIwasfinished

holdingback.Ididn’tcarehowpissedherfatherwasatme.Shewasfondoftellingmethatshewasabiggirl.ShecouldmakeherowndecisionsandIhadafeelingthatshewouldn’tletmegetawaywithmuchevenwithoutherfatherbackingherup.

Everyfiberinmybodywasscreamingatmetotouchher.Ipressedherintothesideof

thecarwithmybodyandtrappedherthere.Shewasn’tresistinganyways,butIwaspartiallyactingoutmybathroomfantasy.Iputmyhandonthesideofherfaceandpulledherintoakiss.Ourtonguesmingledandherlipstastedsosweet…shemoanedandInearlycameinmypants.

“Doyouwanttocomeback

tomyapartment?”Iasked,panting.Ihadtohaveher.IfeltlikeIwoulddieifIdidn’t.

“Yes.”

Nohesitation.Noworries.IfIwashurtingher,whywouldshebesowillingtobewithme?

Welefthercaratthepizzaplaceandwalkedthetwo

blockstomyapartment.Ittookusawhiletogettherebecauseeverywallorfencewepassedwasmorefodderformyfantasies.Ilovedthefeelofherbodypressedbetweenmeandthewall.Iwastemptedtotakeherinthealleybehindmyapartmentcomplexandtakeherrightthere.Thatwouldbereallyhot.

Therewasnoquestionleftaboutwhetherornotshewantedmetoo.Wewerebarelyinsidethedoorwhenshewasontopofme…kissingme,lickingmylipsandsuckingmytongueintohermouth.Myresistancewascompletelygone,andwhenIkissedherback…itwason.CHAPTERTEN

Ihadmyhandsonherwaistandaswekissed,Ipushedherbackintothewall.ShewassuckingmytongueintohermouthandIinstantlyhadaraginghard-on.ThisgirlturnedmeonlikenothingI’veeverimaginedorexperiencedbefore.IbrokethekissandpulledbackjustfarenoughsothatIcould

lookatherface.Hereyeswereglazedoverandfilledwithlust.Iletmylipsgrazeacrosshercheekandthenfalldowntohershoulderandkissherthere.IletmyhandsslidedownherarmsuntilIreachedherwristsandIgrabbedaholdofthem.Iraisedherarmsaboveherheadandpushedmybodyintighteragainstherseffectivelypinningheragainstthewall.

Shedidn’tprotestorresist,soIkeptongoing.Iwaslostinitall.Myfantasywascomingtolife.

IbroughtonehanddownwhileIheldherwristswiththeotheroneandIunbuttonedandunzippedthetopofhersexylittleshorts.Ipushedthemuntiltheyscaledherroundbuttandfelldownaroundherankles.Iletmy

fingersstrokeherinnerthighsandIfelthersquirmagainstmyhardcockthatwaspressedthroughmyjeansandintothesoftpartofherbelly.Shewasbreathingheavyandhereyeswereclosed.Iletmyfingerspassoverthecenterofherpanties,rightacrossherpussy.ShewaswetandwhenItouchedherthere,herbodyconvulsed.Ipressedmylipsintohershoulderandbegan

kissingandsuckingthereagainandIletoneofmyfingersfinditswayunderneaththeelasticlegbandofherpanties.OnceIwasinsidethere,Icouldfeelthatshewassoaked.She’dmissedmetoo.

Iletmykneecomeupandusedittopushherlegsfurtherapart.Iranmyfingeroverherswollenclitandup

anddownherslituntilIthoughtshewasgoingtoshootrightoffthewallandacrosstheroom.ThenIsliditupinsideofherandstartedmovingitinandout.

“OhIan…ohGod,thatfeelssogood!”

Iloveitwhenshetalkstome.It’snotlikewhensomewomentryandtalkdirtyduringsex.Theyseemlike

they’retryingtosoundlikepornqueensanditjustsoundsfake.That’saturn-off.ButwhenAlexadoesit,itwasjustlikeshewasgenuinelytryingtoexpresshowshefeltandwhatshewanted.Hervoicegotdeepandsexyandjustthesoundofitmademycockthrob.

“Youlikethat,baby?”

“Mmhmm…”Islidin

anotherfingerandsheshudderedviolentlyagain.Istartedmovingthembothinandout.

“Howaboutthat?”

“Mmhmm,”shesaid,noddingherheadtooandmovingherhipsoffthewallintimewithmyfingers.Shelookedlikeshewasinatrance.Ilovedmakingherfeellikethat.Iputmylips

backonhershoulderandshestartedtogetreallywild.Shewasactuallyhumpingagainstmyhand;IgotsoexcitedthatIletmyteethsinkintoherflesh.Shecriedout,butwhenIpulledmyheadupandlookedatherface,Icouldseethatithadn’tbeeninpain.ShewasasturnedonasIwas.

“OhIan…Iwantyousobad!”

“Iwantyoutoo,baby,”Isaid,lettinggoofherarmsandtakingmyfingersoutofher.ShewhinedasIdid.WhenIsaid,“Comeon,let’sgotobed,”shesurprisedthehelloutofme.

“No.Iwanttodoitrighthere.Fuckmeagainstthewall,Ian.I’veneverdoneitlikethis.Iwantyoutodomerighthere.”

Itwaslikeshewasinmyhead,likewesharedonefantasy.HowwasIsupposedtoarguewiththat?I’dhavetobemadeoutofstone.Ireluctantlyletgoofherandstrippedoffmyclothes.Shetookthattimetofinishsheddinghers,andnowshewasstandinginfrontofmeinherfullnakedglory.Fuck,shewashot!Ileanedinagainstheragainwithmy

chestcrushinghers.Ilovedthefeelofherbreastsandherhardnipplespusheduptightagainstme.IlovedthefactthattheywererealandnothardandplasticlikeKristie’s.IkissedherlipshardandwhileIdidthat,Ireacheddownandhookedmyforearmsunderneaththebacksofherthighs.SheunderstoodrightawayandasIlifted,sheroseupand

wrappedherlegsaroundmywaist.

Icouldfeelherwetpussyagainstmyfleshnowandmysenseswereexplodinginahundreddifferentdirections.ShegroundherhipsagainstmineandIheardasmallgroanrumbleupfromherchest.Ipressedhertighter,soshewouldn’tfallandIletbothofmyhandsreachup

andcupherbreasts.IcouldfeeltheheatradiatingfromherthroughthemandIletmythumbandforefingergrasponeofhernipplesandbegintotwistandpull.Shebroughtherhandsdownandwrappedherfingersinmyhair,pushingmyfacedownuntilIgraspedoneofthembetweenmyteeth.

“Ohyeah!Fuck!Ian!”

Imovedoverandsuckedontheotherone,rollingmytonguebackandforthacrossthenipple.IfeltlikeIwasgoingtocumrightthenandthereagain,likeanadolescentkidwhogotoverexcitedatthetouchoffleshandthehintofsex.IbroughtmymouthbackuptofindhersandIgraspedheraroundthewaist.Ipulledherdownontomycockthen.Shewassowet

thatonestrokewasallittookandIwasburieddeepinsideofher.Shegroanedloudlyanddroppedherfeettothefloor.Ihadtobendmykneesslightlytostayinsideofherandthenshestartedbouncingupanddownonhertoes.Itwasthemostunimaginablefeelingasmycockstayedrightwhereitwas,buriedinsideofherandshemoveditupanddownagainsther

walls.

Ibrokeourkissandlookedatherface.Shehadherheadthrownbackagainstthewallandhermouthwasopenslightly.Herhairwasinherfaceandshewasmakingthroatylittlesoundsthatwentstraightthroughme.Mywholeworldtiltedonitsaxis.ShewasthemostamazingthingI’deverexperienced.I

shiftedmyhipsandreacheddownandcuppedmyhandsaroundhercheeks.IusedthemtomoveherupanddownasIslidinandoutofher.WewerebothgruntingandpantinglikewildanimalsandIsweartoGod,Ineverwantedittoend.

MyheadwasbuzzingandwhenIfelthernailsscrapedownmybackIthoughtit

mightexplode.Thiswasthewildest,sexiest,mostintensesexthatI’deverhad.Ibeganpoundingfasterandharder.HerbackwasbeatingintothewallandIhopedthatIwasn’thurtingher,butIwasunabletostop.Herfacedidn’tshowsignsofanythingbutpleasureandshewasgrippingontomeeventighter.Afterseveralminutesofjustpoundingher,fleshintoflesh,shescreamed

outmyname.

“OhIan!I’mgonnacumbaby!Don’tstop!Oh,God!”

Ifelthermusclescontractandthewallsofherpussygrippedmetightly.Shethrewherheadbackintothewallandgroanedandwhimperedandthrustherhipsatmefrantically.Whenshefinallyrodeouttheorgasm,sheputhermouthtomyearandIfelt

aswellasheardher.

“Fuuuuuck!”

ThatwaswhenIcompletelylostit.Thefragileglassthatwasmyworldshatteredandmybodywentcompletelyrigidastheorgasmignitedinmytoesandtorethroughtherestofmybodyinatorrentofwavesthatoverrodeeveryothersysteminmybody.IwasawareasIhadanorgasm

torivalallorgasmsthatIhadn’tputonacondom.ItoldmyselfitwastoolatetoworryaboutitatthatverymomentandIclosedmyeyesandletmyheadfallintoher.Sheputherhandsbackupandcradledmyheadagainsther.Ithinkthismustbewhatheavenfeelslike.

Iheldherthereforalongtime.Iwasafraidtomove.

MylegswereshakingandtheyfeltlikeJell-O.Besides,IlovedthefeelofherlightlysweatybodyagainstmineasIheldheragainstthewall.

“Ian,”shesaidafterawhile.

“Yeahbaby?”

“IthinkIneedtomovealittlebit.Mylegsaregoingtosleep.”

Ipulledmyheadupand

grinnedather.“Wantmetocarryyoutothecouch?”

“No,”shesaid.ShelookedsoseriousthatforasecondIwasworriedshewashavingregrets.Thenshesmiledandsaid,“Thebed.”

Relievedandhappy,Ipickedherupandcarriedherintomyroom.Afteranotherkiss,Idepositedheronthebed.“Youwantsomewater?”I

askedher.

“Iwouldlovesome.”

“I’llberightback.”IwentandgotusabottleofwaterandwhenIgotback,shehadadjustedherselfsothatshewassittingwithherbackupagainsttheheadboard.Shewasstillbeautifullynaked.Ihandedherthewaterandsatdownnexttoher.“CanIaskyousomething?”

“Sure,”shewasstillbreathingheavyandhercheekswereallredandflushed.Ialmostcouldn’tlookatherwithoutgettinghornyalloveragain.

“Iguessit’snotreallyaquestion.Ididn’tthinktoputonacondom…”

“I’monthepill,”shesaid.

Ifeltguiltyforthereliefthat

washedovermebutthelastthingeitherofusneededrightnowwasababy.

“Okaythen,Iguessitwasaquestion,”Itoldherwithagrin.“Thankyou.Igotsoexcited…”

Shesmiledandsaid,“Iknow,metoo,”shesaid.“Icouldn’tbelievethewayyoujustattackedmelikethatrightinsidethedoor.”Shegiggled.

Laughing,Isaid,“Ithinkyouhavethatwrong.I’mtheonewhowasviolated.”

“Hmm!IbelieveIwastheonewithmybackagainstthewallandmyhandsheldintheair.”

Ikissedhersoftlyandsaid,“Andyouwerebeggingforit,”Itoldher.“Weren’tyou?”

Shekissedmeback.“Iwas.I

can’thelpit.You’resogood,andI’veneverbeentakenagainstawallbefore.Thatwashot.”

“Youbetterstoptalkingaboutitoryou’llgetmeallexcitedagain.”Thetruthwas,withAlexa,theexcitementneverreallywentaway.IwantedherallthetimeandwhenI’vebeenawayfromherlikeIhadthepastfew

days,itwasevenworse.

Shegiggledandsaid,“Iwonderwhatyourneighborsthinkaboutallofthatnoiseweweremaking?”

Ihadn’teventhoughtaboutitandnowthatIdid,IrealizedthatIdidn’tcare.Idon’tevenreallyknowmyneighbors…butIhaveasinglemanlivingoneithersideofme.Iftheythoughanythingitwas

probably,“Righton!”

“Whocares?”Isaid,lyingdownonmybacknexttoher.Ilovedjustlayingherewithher.Wecouldjustlayhereandnoteventalkanditstillfeltright.I’dneverbeenwithanyonelikethisbefore.Inthepast,silencewasuncomfortable,andfilledwithuselesschatterthatonlyservedtogetonmynerves.

WithAlexaitfeltsorightanditfeltlikewegainedbackthegroundwe’dlostthepastfewdays.Thisfeltlikeitwasbefore,andIreallywas,alreadyhardagain.CHAPTERELEVEN

"IthinkIbettergetintheshower,”Itoldherafterwe’dlainthereforalongtimeand

Iwastemptedtopounceonheragain.Ididn’twanthertothinkIwasanincrediblepervert,attackingheragainsosoon,althoughitwasentirelyherfaultforbeingsosexy.Idecideditmightbebettertotakeaquickshowerandtakecareofitandthenmyheadwouldbeclearsowecouldtalkabouttheimportantstuff.

“Okay,”shesaid,“Butthen

wecantalk?”Ikissedherpretty,swollenlips.

“Yes,absolutely.”Ihadeveryintentionoftalkingtoher.Ijustcouldn’tdothatwithanachingerection.

Iwentinandfixedthewaterintheshower.I’dleftthedoorcrackedjustalittle.Iwasn’tsureifitwaswishfulthinkingthatshe’djoinmeornot…butIwasn’tgoingto

complainifshedid.Isteppedinandstoodunderthewarmsprayforafewminutes.Itookthesoapandrubbeditovermychest.Mycockwasstillthrobbing.Iwantedtotakecareofit,butIstoodtheretryingnottotouchit,hopingthewaterwouldmakeitgodown.Iwasn’tsurewhatshewouldthinkifsheheardmeinheregettingoffbymyselfrightafterIhad

her.Shemightthinkshedidn’tsatisfyme…butthetruthwasitwasjusttheopposite.ShemademecrazyandIcouldn’tstopthinkingaboutsexwhenIwasaroundher.Hell,Icouldn’tstopevenwhenIwasn’taroundher.AllIhadtodowaspictureherface…orherbodyandthereitwas,standingatattention.IhadmyeyesclosedandIwasabouttogiveinandjustgive

itastrokeortwowhenIheardhervoicefrombehindme.

“Here,letmehelpyou,"Iopenedmyeyes,shocked,tothebeautifulsightofhersteppingintotheshower.ShewrappedherarmsaroundmeandletherhandsplayinthesoapI’djustrubbedacrossmychestanddownlowacrossmyabdomen.Icould

feelherhardnipplespressingintomybackandifIthoughtmycockwasthrobbingbefore,Ihadn’tseenanythingyet.Sheletherhandscontinuetheirdescentdownbelowmyabdomentothetopofmypelvisandtowardsmycock.IfeltmyheartspeedupandIhadtogaspforbreathasherfingersbrushedagainstthehead.IsweartoGodoneofthesedaysshewasgoing

tokillme.Shewrappedoneofhersoapeduphandsarounditandshebegantoslideitupanddownthelength.ItwassomuchbetterthanifIhaddoneitmyself.MylegswereshakingandIwasn’tsuretheyweregoingtoholdme.JustaboutthetimeIthoughtImightcum,sheletgoofmeandreachedaroundmeforthesoaponthewall.Sherubbeditbetween

herpalmsandstartedwashingmyarms.Shewasthorough,washingallthewaydowntomyhandsandseductivelyrunningthesoapbetweeneachofmyfingers.Thenshebeganonmyupperthigh,slidingherhandsarounditandthendownovermykneeandmycalf.ShewasinacrouchandIwastemptedtoturnaroundandhavehertakemeintoher

mouth.Imademyselfbepatientthoughasshewasheduptheotherleg,endingwithanothersmallstrokeofmyachingcockwhenshereachedthetop.Shesoapedupagainandthenbeganwashingandcaressingmyback.Sheworkedherwaydowntomylowerbackandthendownmyrightcheekandthenmyleft,lettingherhandbrushinbetweensoftly

onherwaydownandbackup.Ihadtoreachoutandpressmyhandsagainstthetileinfrontofmewhensheletherhandslideallthewaydownandtookmysacinherhand.MyeyeswererollingbackintomyheadandIwasmakingnoisesI’dneverevenheardbefore.

“Rinseoff,”shewhisperedagainstthesideofmyface.I

shuddered,almostconvulsivelyandreachedupandtookdowntheshowerheadandbeganrinsing.WhenIturnedtofaceher,shetookitoutofmyhandandfinished.WhenIwasallrinsedoff,sheloweredherselftoherkneesontheshowermatandtookmycockbackintoherhand.Shestrokeditsoftlyassheranhertonguealongtheshaftofit

andswirledtheheadofitwithhertongue.

“OhJesus,Alexa!You’rekillingme;literally,myheartisgoingtoexplode.”

Shesmiledandsuckeditintohermouth.Iguessshedidn’tcare,butthetruthwas,neitherdidI.Whatanamazingwaytodie.Shekeptstrokingitwhileshebobbedherheadupanddown.Ihad

myhandsinherhairandIwantedtoenjoyit…butitfelttoogood.Ididn’twantthistoendjustyet…Igentlypulledherheadoffofmeandliftedhertoherfeet.Ikissedher,feelingherslickbodyupagainstmineasIdid.

“Letmedoyou,”ItoldherwhenIbrokethekiss.Shegrinnedandhandedmethesoap.Thatwasn’texactly

whatIwastalkingabout,butIguessIowedher.

“Turnaround.”

SheturnedwithherbacktomeandIreachedupfortheshowerhead.Ihelditoverher,lettingIsoakherhairandrunningonehandthroughitasIdid.ThenIputitdownandpumpedsomeshampoointomyhand.Irubbeditintoherhairandshetippedher

neckbackandletherheadrestonmychestasIlathereditup.ImassagedherscalpandshegroanedandIfeltherwiggleupagainstmyhardcockasitpokedherinthesmalloftheback.ShemoanedasItookthesoapbackinmyhandsandlatheredupmypalms.Istartedwithhershouldersandwasheddownherarmslikeshehadme.WhenIgottoher

hands,Iwouldwashbackupherbellyandaroundtheoutsideofherbreasts.Ireachedaroundanddidherbackandthenwashedbackdowntoherthighs.Imassagedthesoapdownoneanduptheother,lettingmyfingerslightlybrushbetweenherlegs.

Iwrappedmyarmsaroundherthenandturnedher

around.Iletmymouthcoverhersandslidmytongueintohermouth.Iletmysoapyhandsrundownherbackandacrossherasscheeksaswekissed,andthenIbroughtthemaroundfrontandletthemroamacrossherfullbreastsandswollennipples.Iusedonehandtotwistandtugonthem,switchingbackandforthandIlettheotherhanddropdownbetweenher

legs.Myfingersfoundherengorgedclitandshejerked.

“Ian!”Imovedmyhandandshewhimpered.HandinghertheshowerheadIsaid,“Yourinseoffnowbaby.”

ShedidasIaskedanditwasmyturntodropdowntomyknees.ShemovedherlegsapartandheldontothewallasIburiedmyfaceinbetweenthemandsuckedher

intomymouth.

“Ian…”

IleftmymouthagainstherlipsasIsaid,“Whatbaby?”

Shesighed,“You’rejustsogood.”

“We’resogood,”ItoldherandthenIcontinuedmyassaultonherclit.Sheletmegoatitforseveralminutesbeforeshesaid,“Iwantyou

backinsideofme.”Hervoicewasstrangledwithdesire.

Istoodupandkissedherlipsagainbeforetellingher,“Turnaround,baby.Holdontothewall.”ShedidasIaskedandarchedherbacktowardsme.Icouldn’thelpit;Islidbackdownagainandputmytonguebackinsideofher.ShegroanedandwiggledherhipsintomyfaceasIlet

itslideinandout,slippingafingerinwithit.

“Ohfuck!Ian!OhGod!”

“Feelgoodbaby?”

“OhGod,therearenowords!”Islidanotherfingerinandshecontinuedtomoveherhipsagainstmyhand,butwhenItriedtotouchherclitshepulledforwardandsaid,“No,nobaby.It’stoo

sensitive.Iwantyourcock.Iwanttocomewithyourcock.”

Istoodbackupandgrabbedholdofmythrobbingcock.Ilineditupandpushedintoherslowly.Shefeltsofuckinggood.Ileanedintoherandjustsavoreditforafewseconds.“Ohbaby,youfeelsogood.”

Istartedmovinginandoutof

herandasIdid,Ireacheddownandletmyfingersfindherclit.SheletoutaloudgruntorgroanwhenItoucheditandasIbegantorub,shecontinuedtomakenoises.Finally,shesaid,“I’mgonnacum,Ian.Comewithme,baby.Iwanttofeelyoucumwithme.”

Iquickenedthepaceandpushedintoherfasterand

deeper.IcouldfeelmyselfhitbottomeachtimeandIcouldfeelhershakingunderneathme.Sheshudderedonce,violentlyandcriedoutmyname.IknewshewascomingandIwasready.IletmyselfgoandforthesecondtimeinasmanyhoursIhadanotherintense,mind-blowingorgasm.WewerebothpantingandgaspingandIreachedaroundherandheld

ontohertightlynow,afraidthatshewasgoingtofall,shewasshakingsohard.

“OhGod,Ian.Ohwow!”

“Yeah,”Isaid,breathlessly.“Wow.”

Ireachedforatowelandhandedittoher,thenIgotoneformyselfandwebothdriedoff.Wewentintothebedroomthenandsnuggled

uponthebed.IfsomeonehadaskedmetodescribehowgoodIfeltatthatmoment,Iwouldn’thavebeenabletodoit.

“DoyouhaveapairofshortsIcanborrow?Minegotalittle…damp.”

Ilaughed.“Yeah,topleftdresserdrawer.TheT-shirtsareintheretoo.”Shekissedme.

“Thankyou,”shesaid.Ifinisheddryingoffandwentintothebedroom.ShehadonapairofmyboxersthathungalmosttoherkneesandaT-shirtthatcoveredmostofit.“HowdoIlook?”sheasked.

Ismiledandkissedher.“Gorgeous,”Isaid,honestly.

“Doyouhaveahairdryer?”

LaughingIsaid,“Topleft

drawerinthebathroom.Areyouhungry?”

“Kindof,whatdidyouhaveinmind?”

“IthoughtI’dmakeussomedinner.”

“Youcook?”

Ilaughed,“Yes,Icook.I’mafabulouscook!”

Sheraisedaneyebrowand

smiled,“Ican’twait,”shesaid.“But…whileweeat,we’regoingtotalk,right?”

“Right.Wewill,Ipromise.”IgotdressedandleftherdryingherhairwhileIwentouttomakedinner.

Ilookedintotherefrigerator,hopingthatIhadsomethingtomake.IsawsomestripsteaksI’dthawedoutacoupleofdaysagoandnever

cooked.Itookthoseoutandsomezucchini,greenbeansandBrusselsprouts.IpluggedinthewoktoheatupwhileIchoppedanddiced.WhenIfinished,Imixedthemwiththestripsteakandaddedsometeriyakisauceandgingerandmixedagain.ThenIdroppeditallintothewok.ItwasflaringupwhenAlexawalkedin.

“Yum!Itsmellsgood.”

“Thanks,”Itoldher,wrappingherupinahug.“Sodoyou.Goodenoughtoeat.”

Shegiggledandsaid,“You’vealreadydonethat.”

Ipulledbackandlookedatherface.Shewasblushing.“Afterallofthethingswejustdid,you’regoingtoblushoverthat?”Sheblushed

deeperandsaid,“Wantmetosetthetable?”

“Sure,thanks.”

WhileIfinisheddinner,shesetthetable.Ilikedthis.Itfeltright.Whendinnerwasready,Ifixedourplatesandgotusbothabottleofwater.“Sorry,nofinewinesaroundheretogowithdinner.Imighthaveabeerortwointhere…”

“Waterisfine,”shesaid.ShetookabiteandIwaited.Sheclosedhereyesandsaid,“Wow,Ian!Thatissogood.”

“Really?”

“Really,”shesaid,“Iloveit.I’mimpressed.”

Istartedeatingthenandshewasright,itwasreallygoodifIdidsaysomyself.Wemadesmalltalkwhileweate.

Wetalkedaboutmychampionshipfightcomingupandhertriptothemallacoupleofdaysbefore.Sheaskedmeaboutthefightshecametowatchsaying,

“Didyounotlikethatguyyoufoughttheothernight…Billy?”

“Idon’treallyknowhim.ThatwasthefirsttimeIfoughthim.Why?”

“Youseemedreallyangrywithhim.I’veneverseenyoulikethatbefore.Usually,it’skindoffunnytomehowcalmandpleasantyouseeminthering.”

Iwaspissedthatnight,butnotatBilly.IwasobsessingoverwhatherdadtoldmeandIwasmissingherlikecrazy.ItookitoutonBilly.Itwasnotabouthim.I

wonderedifIshouldtellher.IfIdidn’t,itwouldbejustanotherthingthatshe’sgoingtofindoutandbeangrywithmefornottalkingtoherabout.Iwaslostinmythoughtsaboutitwhenshesaid,“Ian?”

“Yeah?”

“CanIaskyouonemoretimewhatyouwereangrywithmeabout…theotherdayhereat

theapartmentandthenatthefightandatthepizzaparlorearlier?”

“Iwasn’tangrywithyouAlexa,notatall.Ineedtotellyouwhatwasgoingon,butIdon’tknowhowtoexplainit….”

“Doyouwanttostopseeingme?”

“Notevenalittlebit,”Isaid,

honestly.“Iletmyselftrytoimaginethatforacoupleofdays.Itwasnotgood.PartofwhyBillygotsuchanasskickingwasbecauseofthat.”

“Willyoumakemeapromise?”

“Sure…”

Notthatmytrackrecordwiththemwasanygoodlately.IalreadybroketheoneImade

toherdad,andIwasprobablygoingtotellherthattoo.

“Willyoupromisethatiforwhenyoudowanttostopseeingme,you’lltellmetomyface?”

“IfIwantto?”Iclarified.

“Yes.”

“Idoubtthat’sgoingtohappen,butokay,Ipromise.”

“Ihaveahardtimewithpeoplethinkingit’sokaytojustwalkaway.Iguessbecauseofmymom…”

Sheputherforkdownandwipedherlips.Herprettyfacelookedsosadwhenshementionedhermom.I’dneveraskedabouther.Ifiguredshe’dtellmewhenshewasready.Sheseemedlikesheneededtotalkabout

itnow.

“Whathappenedtoyourmom?”Iaskedher.

“Nothing…asfarasIknow.WhenIwaslittle,shecheatedonmydad.Shenevertoldhim;insteadshejustpackedherthingsonedayandlefthim…andme,anote.”

“Sheendedhermarriage…andwalkedoutonher

daughterinanote?”

“Yeah,classy,right?Ialwaysthoughtshewassuchacowardafterthat.Ihatedher.ThatwastwelveyearsagoandIstillhateher.Itdoesn’tmatterthough,it’snotlikeIeversawheragainoreverwill.Shethoughtamanwasmoreimportantthanmeormydad.Mydadnevergotoverherandthatmakesme

evenangrier.He’sbeensingleeversince.Iknowthathe’safraidofgettinghurtagain.Ihatethathe’snotlivinghislifebecauseofher.”Suddenlyeverythingherfatherhadtoldmemadeperfectsense.Alexa’smomhadrippedouthisheartandheexpectedthatIwoulddothesamethingtohisdaughter.Shit!

“Thatexplainsalot,”Isaid.

“Whatdoyoumean?”

“Ihavetotellyousomething,Alexa.”

“Uhoh,”shesaid,“Soundsominous.”

“Itis,kindof,”Isaid.Iputmyownforkdownandsaid,“ThereasonIwassomoodythosedaysyouaskedmeaboutwasbecauseIwas

tryingtopushyouaway.”

Shefurrowedherbrowandlookedconfused.“Butyousaidyoudidn’twanttostopseeingme.”

“IsaidIwantedyou.IdidandIdo…butyourdadtoldmethatIshouldleaveyoualone.He’safraidthatI’mgoingtohurtyou.”

“What?Mydadsaidthat?He

toldyoutoleavemealone?”IsuddenlybegantoregretthatItoldher.Shelookedreallyupset.Whatifshegotpissedatmeagain?Ishouldlearntokeepmybigmouthshut.

“Hewasjustworriedaboutyou.Hewasn’tmeanaboutitoranything.He’safraidI’mgoingtohurtyou…HesaidIhurtyoualreadyandIwasafraidhewasright.”

“Whendidyouseemydad?”

“Iwentbyyourhousethemorningafteryoulefthereandtoldmeyouneededspace…”

“Iwasatthemall.Heencouragedmetogoandspendsometimeonme.Whatdidyoucomebyfor?”sheasked.

“TotellyouthatIwantedyou

andIwantedtomakethiswork.”

“Andheinvitedyouin?”

“Kindof,”Itoldher.“Hesaid,‘Comein’and‘Sit’.Heexpressedhissympathyaboutmysisteragainandthenhesaidwhathehadtosayaboutyouandme.HesaidthatyouweremiserableandIshouldleaveyoualone.HesaidIwasn’tgoodforyouandI

wasn’thelpingyougetoveryourgrief.”

“Hemakesmesomadwhenhedoesthis!”

“He’sdoneitbefore?”Iknowit’ssillybutthatmademefeelalittlebetter.Icouldtellmyselfthatmaybeitwasn’tjustme.

“He’sdoneitmywholelife.Irarelydatedatallinhigh

schoolbecausewhenIdid,he’dpullthemasideatsomepointandtellthemprettymuchwhathetoldyou.ThenhewouldpointoutalloftheirflawstomeeverytimeheandItalked.He’ssomessedupemotionallyfrommymotherleavingthathecan’tseethateveryoneisnotacheaterandanabandon-erlikeher.I’msorry,Ian.”

Whew,shewasn’tmadatmeatleast.Ididn’tlikeseeinghersoupsetwithherdadthough.Ihatedtobethecauseofthat.“Don’tbesorry.It’sreallyokay…now.IknowhisreasonbehinditandyouandIaregoingtobeokay…right?”

Shegotupandcameovertome.Shesatherselfdownonmylapandkissedme.She

tastedliketeriyakiandginger.“Right,”shesaid.ShecurledupagainstmeandIheldherlikethat.Ididn’tenvyherdadtheconversationIwasprettysuresheintendedtohavewithhimwhenshegothome.Butselfishly,rightnow,Iwascontent.

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