COMING OUT AS KINKYGEARUP 2015

Cal Domingue, MFT7/10/15

Agenda

• Mindfulness• Emotions: their role• Happiness • Identity• Groups• Coming Out

• Exercise

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MINDFULNESS

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Many styles

• Grounded in Hakomi

• Present: sounds, sensations, posture– Reactions, thoughts feelings

• Loving Observer, compassionate witness

EMOTIONS: THEIR ROLE

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Anthropology / Sociology

• Emotions are an evolutionary response• Means of social communication• Critical to group survival• Each emotion has a role

Emotions

• Shame – Conformity to group rules (social norms)– Survival vs. straight white male dominance

• Love / joy– Creates connections, interdependencies

• Fear– Warn of danger, pay attention

• Anger– Be strong, defend / attack

Emotional Intelligence

• Self-Awareness: recognize feelings as they occur• Managing emotions: appropriate reactions;

modulate negative affect• Self-Motivation– focus on a goal, emotional self-control; deferred

gratification; controlling impulsivity• Recognizing emotions in others: empathy• Relationships: skill in navigating others’ emotions

HAPPINESS

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What is Happiness• Dave Robson: 5 Pillars

– Know yourself; passion; trust your heart– Build awareness; positive mindset

• Uplift Program: Murray & Fortinberry– Connection to others; self-esteem– Connection to your body, nature, spirituality

• Dalai Lama– We have a right to be happy; happiness = a sense of wellbeing– How we perceive our situation; how satisfied we are – Impacted by our mindset and perceptions– Basic physical needs must be met: food, clothing, shelter– Love, affection, closeness, & compassion bring happiness

Happiness: common threads

• Basic needs met– Plan to provide for yourself

• A choice• An attitude• Involves self-awareness– What actions bring you satisfaction (accomplishment)– What actions bring you joy– What interactions bring you joy– How are these impacted by your sense of self?

July 27, 2013 Gifted Adults GPGC 2013 55th Reunion Copyright 2013 Cal Domingue, LMFT 11

IDENTITY

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Cultural biases

• The Western mind favors the self-contained– Elevates individual and self-identity– Not good at implementing interdependence

• Hinduism & Buddhism– interdependent co-origination– Experience of divisions, locations, and self-

identity are illusions, generated by the body, senses and the mind

Four Take Home Messages

1. There are no single human beings – alone we die

2. The brain is a social organ – evolved for group survival

3. The cortex is shaped post-natally via social interactions

4. The brain can be changed, regulated and helped to heal in relationships

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Aspects of Identity• Cultural identity • Ethnic identity • National identity• Religious identity• Gender & sexual identity• Labeling others & ourselves in categories• Associating with certain groups– Comparison: comparing groups

GROUPS

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Identity in groups

1a : sameness of essential or generic character in different instances

b : sameness in all that constitutes the objective reality of a thing : oneness 2 a : the distinguishing character or personality of an individual : individuality

• The distinctive characteristic(s) belonging to any given individual, or shared by all members of a particular social category or group

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Group & Identity

• Others’ actions & thoughts have impact – Do we fit in?– Socialization and peer pressure

• Other people’s attitudes– Acceptance or rejection of how other people

attempt to influence the individual• GroupThink– Attitudes, who belongs, hazing, …

Belonging / Tribe

• Majority / minority– In-group / out-group

• Visible / hidden– Self-categorization– Categorization by others– Match or different?

• Establishment of an easy-to-understand and consolidated sense of self or identity

Brain: Mirror Neuron Systems

• Sensory-Affective Link-up for Attunement– Imitation & Skill Building– Resonance & Coordination

• Experiencing the other as a part of the self– Shared Emotion / Emotional Contagion– Sympathy– Empathy

Brain: Social Engagement System

• Tenth Cranial Nerve Network– Allows finer tuning of arousal than sympathetic –

parasympathetic balance• Allows us to stay connected• Helps with matching emotional response to

the social situation

Engagement in Community

• Initial Attraction– Phenylethylamine, norepinephrine, dopamine

• Later stages of long relationships– Oxytocin, serotonin

Neurochemicals

• Serotonin: serenity, optimism, spiritual experiences• Norepinephrine: physical & mental arousal; heightens

mood• Dopamine: motivation, pleasure, reward• Opiates: Modulate pain, reduce stress, bliss• Phenylethylamine (PEA) - “love drug”, modulates

dopamine & norepinephrine • Anandamide: mood, appetite, memory, pain perception

– binds & activates same receptors as weed• Oxytocin: bonding, emotional attachment, loyalty

Kink / Leather / BDSM

• Pain – physical & emotional processed same – Regulation: endorphins, noradrenaline, opiates,

serotonin• Endogenous – produced by our bodies• Intense doses of same chemicals that cause

pleasure • Community interactions / group scenes– Initial attractions: PEA, norepinephrine, dopamine– As relationships lengthen: oxytocin, serotonin

Kinky Brains

• Touch us in our vulnerability & strength• Brain pathways etched deeply through life– Brings intense focus to them– Opportunities to transform– Provide missing experiences

COMING OUT

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Gay / Bi / Trans Coming Out

• Series of Circles– Self– Private: friends, family– Public: colleagues, acquaintances, activities

• Environments– Others who are same– Individuals / gatherings– Work– Social Media

Generational ConsiderationsThe times, they are a’changing

Younger

• Less need for LGBT?• Less persecution (for

some)• More comfort in

mainstream, w/o need to establish specific identity

• Need 2 B deeply seen

Older

• Strong need for LGBT• History of persecution

for identity• Closet: hidden in

mainstream• Integrated: Out in

mainstream• Need 2 B deeply seen

Reasons to Come Out (or Not)

• Safety– What do others think– How do they react?

• Consequences: job, isolation, rejection

• Less need for specific identity (age-related)

• Self-Acceptance– Integration: levels– Shame vs. privacy

• Finding tribes: belonging in groups

• Being seen& accepted for all of who we are

Being Seen - Deeply

• Mirror neurons• Experiences flood us with neurochemicals• Community mirrors: fairs, weekends, parties• Transformational opportunities

Kinky & Happy

• Understanding what it means to you• Understanding how it manifests in you• Meeting individual needs• What beyond that?– Partners, fun, growth– Adapting to changes

• Goals– Emotional, psychological, spiritual, physical

July 27, 2013 Gifted Adults GPGC 2013 55th Reunion Copyright 2013 Cal Domingue, LMFT 31

Kinky Community

• Group Think• What’s OK? • What’s included?– Types of play– Roles

• Dress• Hazing / ritual / process

Coming OutSpecific desires / preferences / roles

• Dealing with attitudes including:– Slaves are simply property, not people (some)– Attitudes about masculinity • Internalized & in the community• Are tops somehow more masculine (better)

• Dirty, dark side– Nastiness as part of the appeal– ‘Owning’ as positive what others demean• Gay, queer, black, etc…

Coming Out about Fetishes

• Animal play: puppies, pigs, ponies, …• Holes: – Which ones: ass, mouth, piss slit, – What do you put in them? Body parts? Toys?– Yours or theirs, or both?

• Other body parts & practices– Finding others, place in community– Influenced by GroupThink & attitudes

Coming Out about Limits

• Is more better? – Not being shamed or forced by this belief

• Some limits OK, not others?– For yourself– For the community

Coming Out about Quirks

• Coming out as individuals • Nerdiness • Emotions & needs, shyness• Disabilities or physical limitations, etc -

• Community pressure to conform?• Community acceptance for all?

EXERCISE

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Silent Gaze

• Find partner – Sit facing each other– Establish mindfulness, closed eyes– Open eyes, in silence look into each others eyes

• Notice what happens in yourself– Tension / relaxation– Thoughts, emotions, sensations– Easy or challenging– Opening or blocking– Want / desire /

Come Out

• Some aspect of kinkiness– Specific to that person– Not evident to community

Summary

• Define your challenges– Technological as well as personal

• Set realistic expectation– Mastery is not achieved overnight

• Keep your eye on the goal– Mentorship programs

QUESTIONS?

THANK YOU!

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BRAIN & NEUROBIOLOGY

Attachment System

• Affective Regulation via Proximity

• Experiencing the other as a part of the self

• Shaping neural structure via experience

Social Neural Plasticity

• Prenatal / Childhood epigenetic processes• Ongoing Neuroplasticity– Changes in attachment patterns– Healing early deficits

Limbic System

• Amygdala- regulates fear, anger, startle reflex• Hypothalamus- hormonal balance, appetite,

sleep, wakefulness• Thalamus – pacemaker for cortical activity• Hippocampus- short term recall, context of

emotional memory• Anterior Singulate Cortex- reward system,

emotional processing

Brain influences

• Meditation: brain changes opposite of depression & anxiety

• Negative emotions : right frontal lobes• Positive emotions: left frontal lobe• Advanced meditators– More left cortical activity– Lower cortisol, reduced startle response

Serotonin

• Serenity, optimism, spiritual experiences• Dysregulation: depression, eating disorders,

suicidality• Regulates sleep, appetite, pain, mood• Effected by some anti-depressants• Hallucinogens alter serotonin in areas of

brain affecting integrating sensory stimuli

Norepinephine

• Physical & mental arousal; heightens mood• “Fight or flight”: heart rate, blood pressure,

etc.• Medications: target alertness, attention; alter

blood pressure

Dopamine

• Arousal: motivation, pleasure, reward• Apathy, anhedonia, parkinsonism• Schizophrenia, mania, delusions,

hallucinations• Meds: anti-psychotics, mood stabilizers

Neurosteroids

• Cortisol– Stress response, blood glucose, mood

• Estrogen– Mood, neurotropic factor

• Progesterone– Mood changes (mostly in women)

• Testosterone– Aggression, dominance, ‘Type A’ behavior

Opiates

• Modulate pain, reduce stress, bliss• Suppress physical functionality: breathing,

dependence• Endogenous: “runners high”, cutting, BDSM

Other Factors

• Phenylethylamine (PEA)– Amphetamine, found in chocolate, “love drug”– Modulator of dopamine & norepinephrine

• Anandamide– Binds & activates same receptors as weed– Mood, appetite, memory, pain perception

• Oxytocin– Bonding, emotional attachment, loyalty

Oxytocin

• Ability to trust: same brain circuits for love, friendship, generosity

• Physically released when hug lasts more than 10 seconds• Released in social situations where we trust and love

– Trust: step-by-step process.– Eye contact made; respond with smile– Smile back; hold out our hand– We trade gestures gestures, facial expressions and tones of voice:

increase attunement (Mirror neurons, other structures)• Each tiny interaction builds trust by getting the oxytocin flowing• Also a signal that it's okay to trust a stranger

– Whose actions resemble those of members of our tribe– Who’s like us