Deborah Jeff: Regretting Divorce and Separation

transcript

Understanding separation regret and the impact on children

Seddons 2

What we tried to understand…

Feelings of regret Process of divorce and the use of

relationship education Impact on children

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How we did it…

Men62.86%

Women37.14%

Gender

18-246.34%

25-3433.22%

35-4423.53%

45-5415.57%

55+21.34%

867 respondents

Divorced25.84%

Divorced with children34.60%

Separated (co-habitation)

20.99%

Separated with children18.57%

Separation Category

East Anglia3.81% East Midlands

North East3.58%

North West14.56%

Northern Ire-land

Scotland6.69%

London22.84%South East

South West9.00%

Wales4.61%

West Midlands13.49%

Yorkshire8.65%

Region

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Do you have children?...

Live with you all the time

Live with you part of the

Live with ex partner/

spouse but you have con-

tact visits

They are grown up and live with nei-

ther of us

10.00%

15.00%

20.00%

25.00%

30.00%

35.00%

40.00%

45.00%

50.00%

FemaleMale

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Do you regret marrying or cohabitating?

Yes38.75

No61.25

18-2456.36%

25-3468.40

%35-44

56.86%

45-5461.48%

55+56.22%

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If yes, why?

We were not right for each other…

57.44%

We rushed into it…

34.52%

We drifted into it without making a clear decision…

20.83%

We were never both fully committed to the relationship…

17.86%

It wasn’t worth the subsequent pain…

27.08%

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What do you regret most about getting a divorce or separating?

I wish we had not sepa-rated

21.57%

The way we conducted the divorce/separation

21.34%

The impact on our children33.33%

The financial con-sequences

24.34%

Not having custody of the children6.11%

Losing the house10.50%

Nothing20.30%

Other4.96%

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What do you wish you had learned at the start of your marriage / cohabitation?

The kinds of difficulties most couples experience

28.26%

How relationships grow and develop over time

28.26%

More about each other's charac-ter, values or interests

34.83%

How to communicate and support each other more ef-

fectively23.53%

How to handle disagree-ments more constructively

20.42%

None of the above22.61%

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If you could turn back the clock, what would you change in your relationship?

Nothing

24.45%Try harder to make the relationship work

24.91%

Get relationships counselling or other

19.03%

Make different choices about work or career

19.03%

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If you could turn back the clock, what would you change in your relationship?

I would have never let it get as far as marriage…

Choose someone who was less selfish…

My wife not being a psychopath…

Not give in to others all the time…

Not marry a self-obsessed mummy’s boy…

Get my partner the help he needed…

Run a mile!Find the right man to

marry in the first place…

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Did you attend a marriage preparation course or other relationships education in the early stages of your marriage?

Yes16.38%

83.62%

18-2465.45%

25-3479.86%

35-4479.90%

45-5491.85%

55+92.97

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Why not?

We never thought about it44.14%

We didn't know there were such courses36.97%

We didn't think it was necessary or important

25.52%

We were too busy7.86%

My partner didn't want to7.72%

We couldn't find a suitable course

Other8.69%

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Did you get any marriage / relationship counselling when the relationship was in difficulty?

20.88%

79.12% 18-24 25-34 35-44 45-54 55+

10.00%

20.00%

30.00%

40.00%

50.00%

60.00%

70.00%

80.00%

90.00%

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Why not?

We never thought about it26.24%

We didn't think it would make a difference

25.95%

It was too late, one or both of us had already decided to separate

37.90%

We weren't able to discuss such things

13.41%

My partner didn't want to13.41%

We couldn't find a suitable course3.94%

Other8.45%

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Have you ever tried to reconcile your differences with your ex-partner?

Did you succeed?

10.00%

15.00%

20.00%

25.00%

30.00%

Yes and now we're back to-gether

13.54%

Yes we're

friends47.27%

No39.19%

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Who was most affected by the divorce or separation? (by gender)

Children Family You Your partner

Other0.00%

10.00%

15.00%

20.00%

25.00%

30.00%

35.00%

40.00%

45.00%

FemaleMale

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Yes, they were very upset

12.74%

Yes, because it wasn't helpful to

anyone18.36%

Yes, because perhaps the

divorce would have been

smoother and quicker for

everyone if we hadn't

22.03%

Yes, they really had no idea what

was going on12.53%

Yes, they felt they needed to take sides all of

the time6.48%

No14.69%

Not applicable - I don't have chil-

dren13.17%

Did your arguments affect your children?In denial?

Did your divorce affect your children?

23.91% said NO

Has your relationship with your children been affected?

74.33% said NO

Has your divorce had any negative impact on your children’s personal relationships?

69.67% said NO

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Impact – the ripple effect

Physical health and well-being de-teriorated14.57%

Emotional state deterio-rated

34.35%

School performance de-teriorated23.48%

Friendships and relationships de-teriorated11.74%

General behaviour dete-riorated17.17%

Other6.52%

No impact23.91%

Divorce had a positive impact7.61%

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How was your relationship with your child affected?

with m

e with

er0.00%

10.00%

15.00%

20.00%

25.00%

23Seddons

“Are we in denial over the impact of separation on children?”

“How can we overcome the stigma attached to counselling and help couples get the early support and relationships education they need and deserve?”

The bottom line: two key questions

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5 Portman Square, London, W1H 6NT

Deborah Jeff: Regretting Divorce and Separation

Health & Medicine