Post on 31-Mar-2015
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Don’t Make Read That Sentence Again!
Make your writing clear …
so your readers get it the first time!
by Ann Gordon
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
Writing That Stops Me
Whoa! That’s what my mind says when I read
something that just ‘doesn’t compute’
What was that? That’s what my mind says when I read a
sentence that contains glaring errors
Groan! That’s what I say to myself when I realize I
have to go back and re-read that sentence
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© 2007 by Ann Gordon
Writing That Will Stop Your Readers
When your customers, employees, or potential clients are reading something from your company,
They do not want to be reading along, scanning the paragraphs, and suddenly then have their mind come to a Stop because something just didn’t make sense!
People want to read it, get it, and then move on to something else.
People do NOT want to re-read because something was poorly written or edited
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© 2007 by Ann Gordon
The ‘Bells of Incomprehension’
When the Bells of Incomprehension ring,
1. Readers with patience will go back and re-read that sentence – but they aren’t happy about it
2. Readers without patience will ignore the bells and skip the sentence – or skip the paragraph – or just quit reading altogether
The second choice isn’t a good one for the writer, trainer, or manager -- for anyone who trying to sell or teach with their text
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What Causes these Bells to Ring?
Some grammatical culprits are more common than others, so in this presentation, we’ll concentrate on four of them
You’ll learn how to look for sentences, phrases and lists that:
1. Leave the reader dangling
2. Make the reader look for something that has been misplaced
3. Cause confusion about Who did What?
4. Create a sense of imbalance
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© 2007 by Ann Gordon
1. ‘Dangling Modifiers’
Perhaps nothing stops a reader faster than a ‘dangling modifier’
Readers don’t have to know what a ‘dangling modifier’ IS in order to be stopped by one
This is a classic example of a ‘dangling modifier’:
Rushing to finish the paper, Bob’s printer broke.
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© 2007 by Ann Gordon
Leaves the Reader ‘Dangling’
Rushing to finish the paper, Bob’s printer broke.
“Rushing to finish the paper” is the modifier
What/Who is this modifier supposed to modify?
Who was rushing to finish the paper? Who was trying to print when Bob’s printer broke?
We don’t know the answers to these questions
‘Dangling’ means the modifier doesn’t have a proper subject to modify
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Sentences Left to ‘Dangle’
Like a loose rope, these modifiers are left dangling:
1. Passing the building, the advertisement was clearly visible.
2. Driving north, the vegetation became increasingly sparse.
3. Walking along the beach, the sun rose majestically over the ocean.
In these sentences, the modifier has nothing suitable to modify
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© 2007 by Ann Gordon
Don’t Leave the Reader ‘Dangling’
Let’s fix those sentences: 1. Passing the building, the advertisement was clearly
visible.
→ As she passed the building, the advertisement was clearly visible.
2. Driving north, the vegetation became increasingly sparse.
→ Driving north, we noticed that the vegetation became increasingly sparse.
3. Walking along the beach, the sun rose majestically over the ocean.
→ As John walked along the beach, the sun rose majestically over the ocean.
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What to Look For
‘Dangling modifiers’ often occur: With participial phrases With infinitive phrases With prepositional phrases containing a
gerund
Active Counts! ‘Dangling modifiers’ occur most often when
the main clause verb is passive (instead of active)
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How to Fix the ‘Danglers’
Revise the sentences to recast the verbs and subjects as active
If the modifier lacks a subject of its own, identify what it describes
Change the subject of the main clause
Rewrite the ‘dangling modifier’ as a complete clause with its own stated (not implied) subject and verb
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© 2007 by Ann Gordon
Fix these Sentences Exercise
1. After reading the original study, the article remains unconvincing.
2. Relieved of your responsibilities at work, your home should be a place to relax.
3. They failed the experiment, not having studied the lab manual carefully.
4. To improve his results, the experiment was performed again.
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© 2007 by Ann Gordon
Moving on to Another Modifier …
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Okay, enough info about ‘dangling modifiers’
Now, let’s look at their close cousin, another sentence problem that will Stop your readers:
‘Misplaced Modifiers’
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
2. ‘Misplaced Modifiers’
A ‘misplaced modifier’ DOES have a subject to which it can attach
Thus, ‘misplaced modifiers’ aren’t exactly dangling
However, these modifiers have attached themselves to the wrong word
That’s why they’re considered ‘misplaced’
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© 2007 by Ann Gordon
Misplacing a Modifier
The sales rep placed the promotional merchandise in the van that he had just received from the company.
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We say a modifier is ‘misplaced’ if It appears to modify the wrong part of the sentence Or, We are not certain WHAT it is supposed to modify
For example, in the following sentence, did the sales rep receive the merchandise or the van?
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
Some Obvious ‘Misplaced Modifiers’
Check out the modifiers in these sentences:
1. Here are some suggestions for handling obscene complaint calls from corporate headquarters. (ouch …)
2. The district managers discussed the high cost of living with two women sales reps. (uh oh …)
3. Singing for all she was worth, Johnny hoped desperately that Margaret would win the competition. (huh ??)
16We’ll fix these on page 19
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
Keep an Eye on All Your Modifiers
As a writer, remember to keep a watchful eye on all of the modifiers in all of your sentences
‘Misplaced modifiers’ can be
Confusing
Illogical
Laughable
Costly
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© 2007 by Ann Gordon
Putting Modifiers ‘In Their Place’
Our minds want to link a modifier to the nearest word that it could possibly modify
Often, this isn’t the right word
Confusing:
She served hamburgers to the men on paper plates.
Much better:
→ She served the men hamburgers on paper plates.
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Fixing ‘Misplaced Modifiers’
1. Here are some suggestions for handling obscene complaint
calls from corporate headquarters. → Corporate headquarters offers the following suggestions for handling obscene phone calls.
2. The district managers discussed the high cost of living with two
women sales reps. → With two women sales reps, the district manager discussed the high cost of living.
3. Singing for all she was worth, Johnny hoped desperately that Margaret would win the competition.
→ Johnny hoped desperately that Margaret, singing for all she was worth, would win the competition.
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© 2007 by Ann Gordon
A Modifier Motto
Here’s a useful rule:
Place your modifiers where they
will clearly modify
the intended words
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© 2007 by Ann Gordon
Fix these Sentences Exercise
1. The mayor was able to cut the ribbon and then the band played when someone found scissors.
2. According to police records, many dogs are killed by automobiles and trucks roaming unleashed.
3. The dealer sold the Cadillac to the buyer with leather seats.
4. They saw a fence behind the house made of barbed wire.
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Moving on to a Similar Problem …
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Okay, enough info about ‘modifiers’ – whether dangling or misplaced
Now, let’s look at a related problem that will make your readers Stop --
‘Unclear Pronoun References’
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
3. ‘Unclear’ References
An ‘Unclear’ pronoun reference involves a pronoun whose reference (antecedent) is unclear
A pronoun references someone or something
A pronoun is a substitute for a noun
The noun is the pronoun’s antecedent
In the sentence: Jane thinks she is an artist.
‘she’ is the pronoun
‘she’ refers to ‘Jane’
‘Jane’ is the antecedent for ‘she’
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The Pronoun Revisited
Personal pronouns:
He-him, she-her, we-they-them, it
Relative pronouns:
Who, which, that
A pronoun can refer to a noun that was used in a previous sentence
Pronoun references can even span paragraphs
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An ‘Unclear’ Reference
A typical ‘Unclear’ pronoun reference:
1. Do not park your delivery truck at the taxi stand or it will be towed away.
To what does “it” refer? “What” will be towed away? The taxi stand?
Move words around to make the meaning clear:
→ If you park at the taxi stand, your truck will be towed.
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An ‘Unclear’ Reference
2. The supervisor informed the customer that they will match the competitor’s price if he can provide a quote.
Such an ‘unclear pronoun reference’ will nearly always make a reader Stop. One way to make the meaning clear:
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→ The supervisor informed the customer that if the customer can provide a quote, the company will match the competitor’s price.
The meaning is more clear now, although this still isn’t a great sentence.
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
Make Pronoun References Clear
Ensure that your pronoun clearly refers to a single, close, specific antecedent
Close is the operative word here
Sloppy use of pronouns is unfair to the reader
Don’t cause your reader to guess which noun is the pronoun’s antecedent
Don’t make your reader work to figure out what you mean
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Multiple Antecedent Possibilities
1. To keep birds from eating seeds, soak them in blue food coloring. (soak the seeds or the birds?)
→ To keep birds from eating seeds, soak the seeds in blue food coloring.
2. The supervisors told the workers that they would receive a bonus. (who would receive the bonus?)
→ The supervisors complimented the workers on receiving a bonus. OR
→ The supervisors told the workers that all supervisors were expecting a bonus.
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Antecedent too far from the Noun
Jody found a dress in the attic that her aunt had worn. (did the aunt wear the attic?)
→ In the attic Jody found a dress that her aunt had worn.
Remember the misplaced modifiers?
Just like modifiers need to be close to the word/phrase they modify,
Pronouns need to be close to their antecedents.
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© 2007 by Ann Gordon
Clarifying Unclear Pronoun References
First, you need to recognize them.
1. Every time you see a pronoun in your writing (especially it), examine that pronoun – Where is its antecedent? How far away is it?
2. If necessary, move the pronoun closer to its noun, Or
3. Reword the sentence without the pronoun
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© 2007 by Ann Gordon
Fix These Sentences Exercise
1. Joe sent the report to Tom just before he left for vacation.
2. When Kathy gave Susan the hot mug, she gasped with surprise.
3. Jim told Ray that he was mistaken.
4. Right after my boss hired the new engineer, he was thrown into jail.
5. The dog wouldn’t eat the food, so we smothered it in mushroom sauce.
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© 2007 by Ann Gordon
Moving on to a Something New …
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Okay, enough info about modifiers and pronouns and keeping things close …
Now we take a look at geometry in writing – once again examining something that will make your readers Stop --
‘Unparallel Construction’
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
4. Parallel Comparisons
Parallel: having the same direction, course, nature or tendency
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Items in any kind of a list need to be parallel
1. They need to be described the same way
2. They need to have the same nature or tendency
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
Parallelism
Parallel structure is necessary wherever coordination exists:
When items are connected by conjunctions
When items are compared or contrasted
When items are arranged in a list or an outline
Remember, not all parts are created equal!
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Parts is Parts!
As we know, not all parts are created equal - not in chicken, not in auto parts, and not in parts of speech
Scrutinize the parts of speech used in every:
Conjunction
Comparison
Series
List
These ‘parts’ need to have parallel construction in order to keep your audience with you!
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Parallel Parts with Conjunctions
Compare both sides of “and” or “but”:
1. Use parallel structure when you write and in speaking.
2. The description was both accurate and it was easy to read.
3. Larry admires people with integrity and who have character.
4. His plans include not only touring the city and visiting orphanages, but also to meet with Asian businessmen.
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Parallel Parts with Conjunctions
Unparallel construction is caused by making a list or comparison using different parts of speech
2. The description was both accurate and it was easy to read.
→ The description was both accurate and easy to read.
4. His plans include not only touring the city and visiting orphanages, but also to meet with Asian businessmen.
→ His plans include not only touring the city and visiting orphanages, but meeting with Asian businessmen.
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Parallel Parts in a Series
At the meeting we will (1) approve the minutes, (2) discuss the proposed ordinance, (3) listen to citizen comments, and (4) the sewer issue will be debated.
Doesn’t that sentence give you pause? When you read it, didn’t your mind say Stop!? Didn’t you feel a strong urge to re-read it?
The first three items in this series are VERB + OBJECT construction
The fourth item is a complete sentence
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Parallel Parts in Bulleted Lists
Guess where you’ll find the greatest reservoir of faulty parallel constructions?
** In Resumes **
This is an example of unparallel bullets in a resume:
Experience -- Responsible for stamping outgoing mail Supervised mail room Three years experience distributing company mail
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© 2007 by Ann Gordon
Parallel Parts in Bulleted Lists
How would we fix this?
Experience: Responsible for stamping outgoing mail Supervised mail room Three years experience distributing company mail
Maybe something like this:
→ Three years mail room experience: Stamped outgoing mail Supervised mail room Distributed all company mail
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Clauses need to be Parallel too
Different genre, same problem This sentence was taken from a student
paper about Homer’s Odyssey:
Penelope uses trickery to fight off the suitors, while Athena is also a trickster when helping Telemachos.
While these clauses both use forms of the word trick, they are not parallel – this sentence is a little difficult to follow
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© 2007 by Ann Gordon
Parallel Clauses
Original sentence: Penelope uses trickery to fight off the suitors, while Athena is also a trickster when helping Telemachos.
Parallel sentence: → Penelope uses trickery to fight off the
suitors, while Athena uses it to help Telemachos.
Now both of the clauses avail the use of the word “trickery” – now the sentence flows
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© 2007 by Ann Gordon
Parallelism Makes for Good Quotes
“Aging paints every action gray, lies heavy on every movement, imprisons every thought.”
by Sharon Curtin
“The pioneer women rolled out dough on the wagon seats, cooked with fires made out of buffalo chips, tended the sick, and marked the graves of their children, husbands, and each other.”
by Ellen Goodman
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Parallel Construction Reminders
To keep your writing parallel, examine the parts of speech in these instances:
Sentences containing a series Bulleted or numbered lists Compound sentences
Parallelism is important because it:
Provides clarity
Maintains balance
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© 2007 by Ann Gordon
Fix These Sentences Exercise
1. Susan knocked over her husband's computer, damaging the outer casing, ruining the screen, and the forthcoming reggae songs that were stored on it were almost destroyed.
2. Over the weekend, Kevin bought a new MacBook Pro, two software programs, and arranged for free shipping.
3. The green features include: Materials should be sustainable Rainwater collection tanks and recycled water Installing solar panels Replant trees in the construction area
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© 2007 by Ann Gordon
In Summary
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We’ve examined some of the grammatical culprits that cause our readers to Stop.
We’ve learned how to spot and fix grammatical problems that:
1. Leave the reader dangling
2. Make the reader look for something that has been misplaced
3. Cause confusion about Who did What?
4. Create a sense of imbalance
© 2007 by Ann Gordon
Recommended Writing Resources
These are books I either own or have used
They are NOT your high school grammar book.
ReWrite Right! by Jan Venolia
How Not to Write by William Saffire
When Bad Grammar Happens to Good People by Ann Batko
Woe Is I by Patricia T. O’Conner
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Writing Yourself Out of a Corner
Business Writing: What Works, What Won’t by Wilma Davidson
The Dimwit’s Dictionary: More Than 5,000 Overused Words and Phrases and Alternatives to Them, 2nd Edition by Robert Hartwell Fiske
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© 2007 by Ann Gordon
Thank you!
Thank you for watching my presentation.
Happy editing …
Ann Gordon Gordon Computer, LLC http://www.gordoncomputer.com