Fairly OddParents 389 - "Turning into Turner"

transcript

EXT - CROCKER’S HOUSE

INT - CROCKER CAVE

CROCKER POPS OUT OF MACHINE

CROCKERAt --

-- last, my DNA replicator is complete! --

-- With it, I can turn myself into Timmy Turner --

-- and trick his fairies into granting my wishes.

-- I call this baby: --

-- “The Turner me into Turner!...

-- ...ator”.

MRS. CROCKER (O.S.) Denzel! --

-- Are you ranting to yourself again?

CROCKERNO MOTHER! --

-- I’m ranting to my raven, --

-- Dwayne! --

-- He’s my new BFF: --

-- Bird Friend Forever!

MRS. CROCKER (O.S.)<SNEEZES> You know I’m allergic to that bird. <SNEEZING FIT>

CROCKERYes I do! --

-- That’s the cherry on top of our friendship sundae!

MRS. CROCKER (O.S.)I really wish you’d make some human friends.

CROCKERAnd I wish you fell victim --

-- to an abrupt meteor shower! --

-- A wish that will soon come true once I get Turner’s DNA. --

-- And I know the easiest way to get it:

FOP372sc042_Int_TimmysRoom_Corner_Bed

CUT to Timmy in his bed, missing a tooth.

CROCKER...by waiting six months for one of Turner’s teeth to fall out, --

-- dressing up --

-- like --

-- the tooth fairy, --

-- and --

-- snatching the tooth from under his pillow!

A SHADOW APPEARS.

(O.S.)Drop it. --

TOOTH FAIRY-- This tooth ain’t big enough for the two of us.

CROCKERIf you want it, --

-- you’ll have to pry it out of my dainty gloved hand, --

-- toots.

Tooth Fairy Cracks her knuckles.

(SFX: CRACK!)

CROCKER (SUGG)Holy molars.

TOOTH FAIRY (cheery)Thanks for the teeth! --

TOOTH FAIRY dispenses change.

(SFX: CHA-CHING CHA-CHIING!)

-- PUNK.

(CROCKER MOANS)

CROSS DISSOLVE

WANDAWhat are you gonna do with your tooth fairy money, Sport?

TIMMYWell, it’s only a quarter, so I guess I’ll...

-- not do anything.

COSMOI found --

-- some --

-- wisdom teeth on the oor --

-- but they’re not very smart.

-- Watch: --

-- Hey tooth, what’s the meaning of life?

COSMO (CONT’D) See? --

-- Nothing upstairs.

(WANDA SIGHS)

(O.S. SFX: LIMPING CAST HITTING GROUND)

Crocker limps in.

(SFX: CROCKER MOANING)

CROCKEROn to plan B --

-- to get Turner’s DNA!

CROCKER (SUGG)Ow, Physical Exertion.

CROCKER Turner, would you care for some gum?

TIMMYNo thanks. --

-- I make it a point to not take gum from weirdos.

CROCKER JUST CHEW THE GUM!

Timmy chews the gum.

CROCKER NO CHEWING GUM IN CLASS! --

-- Now kindly spit it into this sterile petri dish.

TIMMY What? --

-- But you said--

CROCKERJUST SPIT OUT YOUR DNA! --

-- I mean, --

-- gum!

Timmy spits out gum.

CROCKER LAUGHS CRAZILY

WANDAIs it just me --

-- or does it seem like Mr. Crocker is up to something?

COSMOLet’s ask --

-- the wisdom tooth. --

-- Nope. Nothing. --

-- You know, tooth, you can’t get through life on just your looks. --

-- Trust me.

EXT - CROCKER’S HOUSE

We see a high tech podium.

Crocker puts gum on podium.

Podium drops down.

(SFX: STEAM)

Scanning lasers scan the gum.

CROCKER (SUGG)Haha! --

-- Turner’s slimy, spit-covered gum --

-- combined --

-- with --

-- the Turner-me-into-Turner-ator --

-- will let me have --

-- the body of a ten year old boy!

(DWAYNE SQUAWKS)

CROCKER (CONT’D)Yeah, that came out creepier than I planned. --

-- Thank you for your honesty, Dwayne.

(MRS. CROCKER OFFSCREEN, SNEEZING)

MRS. CROCKER Denzel, --

-- I told you I’m deathly allergic to that bird.

CROCKERAnd I told you to take a long walk --

-- off a short pier! --

-- Looks like neither of us are good at taking orders! --

-- Anyways, Dwayne, where was I? --

-- Ah yes, --

-- turning --

-- into --

-- the --

-- ten year old boy --

-- of my dreams!

DWAYNE SQUAWKS

CROCKER (CONT’D)Right again, Dwayne. --

-- I shouldn’t say everything I think out loud. --

-- Your honest observations --

-- make me a better person.

MRS. CROCKERWell if you need me, I’ll be driving myself to urgent care. --

-- I can feel my throat closing up.

MRS. CROCKERAhhhhhhhhhhh...

-- choo!

-- ahh --

-- choo --

-- ahhh --

-- ahhhhhhhhhhhh --

-- chooooooooooooooooooo --

-- oooooooooooo --

(SFX: ELECTRIC SHOCKS)

CROCKEROh no! --

-- Mother’s booger DNA contaminated Turner’s slimy, spit-covered gum DNA! --

-- Must stop the machine!

(CROCKER PANICS)

Machine Doors close.

(SFX: MACHINE GOING HAYWIRE)

CROCKER (SUGG)Huh, I don’t feel any different.

CROCKER (SUGG)Looks like I got off scott free!

Dwayne raises a mirror.

CROCKER (CONT’D)GAH! --

-- I’m a monster with a pink hat! --

-- Huh, guess the pink hat is genetic. --

-- Curse Mother and her old lady DNA! --

-- Now I look nothing like Turner. --

-- But not to worry. --

-- I have a better plan...

EXT. - TURNER HOUSEHOLD

(SFX: VIDEO GAME NOSIES)

(SFX: TIMMY PLAYING VIDEO GAMES)

(SFX: OS DOORBELL)

USEDBGs -> 032.eps

(DOOR SLAMS OPEN)

CROCKER Hello, I’m--

COSMO<GASP> Timmy from the future!

CROCKERWell, I was gonna say your slightly effeminate Uncle Marv, --

-- but let’s go with what the talking shbowl suggested. --

-- I’m you! --

-- from... uhhhh... --

-- a week from now!

TIMMY (SUGG)You’re me?! --

-- Doi! --

-- What the heck happens to me in the next week?

CROCKERI’ll tell you --

-- right after I use the can! --

-- I have the bladder of an eighty year old woman! --

-- Where’s your rest room? --

-- I mean, --

-- I --

-- know --

-- where it is. --

-- I’m you!

-- That was the closet. --

-- I mean, --

-- it was so good to see the closet of my boyhood! --

-- On to the can... --

(SFX: GURGLEGURGLE)

-- I hope.

TIMMYI can’t believe I turn into whatever that is in a week!

COSMOIt’s not that bad, Timmy. --

-- Sure you’re old and ugly and you have a hump but... --

-- I started this sentence without thinking it through.

SPARKYI bet --

-- you got that hump from being hunched over playing video games. --

--Ooh, I know! --

-- I’ll help you --

-- by playing your video games for you. --

-- That’ll take care of your hump --

-- but you’re on your own --

-- with the old lady bladder.

COSMOI wonder how ugly I get in the future. --

-- <GASP> I know! --

-- I’ll poof in my future self!

COSMOWho is this handsome scoundrel?

FUTURE COSMOI’m you from the future. --

FUTURE COSMO-- See? --

-- Here’s our driver’s license.

COSMOOh no! This is terrible!

WANDAYou bet it is! --

-- Some lunatic let you have a driver’s license in the future.

COSMONo! This picture’s awful. --

-- This gorgeous stud blinked!

FAIRYLAND COSMO FAIRYBOTTOMHeight: 3’6”Weight: NoneOrgan Donor:

COSMO (CONT’D)Come on, --

COSMO (CONT’D)-- future me, --

-- we’ve gotta retake this photo!

(PAN OVER TO WANDA)

WANDAI can’t believe Cosmo gets a driver’s license in the future. --

-- He can’t drive. --

-- He can barely remember to open his eyes after he blinks. --

WANDA-- I gotta see how this happens.

PANIC!

TIMMYDoes anyone care --

-- that I turn into a monster in a week?!

(SFX: OFFSCREEN TOILET FLUSH)

CROCKERSorry --

-- that took so long. --

CROCKERBetween having an eighty year old memory --

-- and not being in my own home, --

-- I completely forgot where I was. --

-- I mean, --

CROCKER-- I’m you!

TIMMYOh no! In the future, I’m ugly --

-- and crazy. --

-- Future me, --

-- we have to stop me from becoming you! --

-- No offense.

CROCKERNone taken! --

-- That’s why I’m here. --

-- (Giggles to himself) --

CROCKER-- This continues to be so much better than my Uncle Marv story.

TIMMYJust tell me what to do! --

-- I’ll do anything!

CROCKERGive me your FAIRIES and --

-- wait. --

-- Did you say, --

-- anything? --

-- Well this could be fun.

(SFX: OS, Throat clearing, calling attention)

TIMMYSo how does feeding you wafes in a chicken costume prevent me from turning into you?

CROCKERWell do you feel humiliated?

TIMMY Unbelievably.

CROCKERThen it’s working. --

-- I mean, --

-- the future is complicated! --

-- Now cluck your way down to the kitchen and get me more syrup!

(TIMMY SIGHS)

Timmy exits, <CLUCKING>.

CROCKER (CONT’D)This is perfect! --

-- Eventually I’ll get Turner’s --

-- FAIRIES --

-- but in the meantime, --

-- I’m having a blast --

-- torturing him in outlandish and embarrassing ways!

(SFX: O.S. TIMMY CLUCKING)

(TIMMY CLUCKING)

TIMMYSo, have I saved my future?

CROCKERNot even close! --

-- Next you’ll need to get me some prune juice.

TIMMYEW! --

-- When did I start liking prune juice?

CROCKEREuuuuugh. --

-- When you realized your eighty year old digestive system can’t handle wafes! --

-- I mean, --

-- next Wednesday! --

-- Now hop to it!

(TIMMY STARTS WALKING OFF)

CROCKER (CONT’D)No! I literally mean hop! --

-- And throw in some clucks!

(TIMMY CLUCKING)

(CROCKER LAUGHS)

EXT. - FAIRYLAND DMV

INT. - FAIRYLAND DMV

TEST ADMINISTRATORIf you want a new driver’s license photo, --

(car should look like a PT Cruiser to set up later joke)

-- you handsome studs --

-- will have to take the test again.

COSMOSNo problem! --

-- But should we wait until daytime?

WANDAIt is daytime! --

-- Un-blink!

CAR rocking and shaking.

(WANDA YELLING IN TERROR)

WANDAWatch out for the tree!

CUT TO a giant tree.

WANDA (CONT’D) And the street parade!

CUT TO a marching band crossing the street.

WANDA (CONT’D)And the giant skyscraper! --

-- How are you not seeing this?!

(SFX SCREECHING BRAKE SOUNDS)

TEST ADMINISTRATORWell, this is terrible... --

-- ...my pen ran out of ink --

-- and I wanted to write --

-- congratulations! --

-- You boys passed!

WANDAWHAT?! --

-- They nearly hit everything on the road!

TEST ADMINISTRATORBut they didn’t and that’s what matters! --

-- That and getting a new pen.

WANDABut that means... --

-- I’m the reason Cosmo got a license! --

WHIP PAN out.

-- Noooo!

TEST ADMINISTRATOR Alright boys, head inside to take your picture.

COSMOQuick, future me, let’s practice not blinking.

COSMOS This is hard!

EXT - TURNER HOUSEHOLD

(TIMMY GRUNTING)

(SFX: TWINKLE TWINKLE TWINKLE!)

TIMMYOK, future me, --

-- have I done enough weird, humiliating stuff to change my future?

CROCKERHa! Of course not! --

-- Now go nd some peanut butter and smear it all over the oor of Mr. Crocker’s Crocker Cave.

TIMMY Why?

CROCKERBecause Mother’s allergic to nuts and I want to keep her out! --

-- I mean, --

-- complicated future reasons!

(TIMMY GRUNTS)

(CROCKER LAUGHS)

SPARKYGood news, Timmy! --

-- I nished your video game! --

-- You should be back to normal! --

SPARKY (CONT'D) Nope, --

-- if anything you’re more hideous than I remember.

CROCKER Wait a minute....

-- A high score on Angry Nerds?! --

-- No mere mortal can achieve that! --

-- You must be a FAIRY DOG!

CROCKER (CONT’D)New plan!

-- Who needs fairies when I could take the DNA from that magical dog, --

-- combine it with my own, --

-- and turn myself into a FAIRY?!

SPARKYAre you talking to yourself, future Timmy?

CROCKERWhat? No! --

-- I’ve got my raven on the line.

(SFX: RAVEN SQUAWKS LOUDLY)

CROCKER (CONT’D)You there, Timmy’s dog. --

-- I mean, --

-- dog of my boyhood. --

-- I command you to poof up Crocker’s DNA replicator.

SPARKY You got it.

CROCKER That’s an incubator.

CROCKER (CONT’D) That’s an elevator.

(SFX: ELEVATOR DOOR DING!)

CROCKER (CONT’D)An alligator?! ---

-- Come on! That’s not even close!

(CROCKER SCREAMING)

SPARKYSorry, man. --

-- On the plus side, --

-- now I can see less of you.

EXT. - CROCKER HOUSE

TIMMYThere. Maybe I’ve nally done enough weird stuff to stop me frombecoming totally gross.

TIMMY (SUGG)What the?

TIMMY (CONT’D)Oh my gosh! What’s my gum doing on a DNA replicator?

TIMMY (SUGG)The Turner-Me-Into-Turnerator?

TIMMY (SUGG)“To Do: --

TIMMY (SUGG)-- Impersonate Turner. Get his fairies. Smear oor with peanut butter.”

TIMMY (CONT’D)AAH! That wasn’t future me!

-- That was a weirdly mutated Mr. Crocker!

TIMMY (CONT’D)Oh no! --

-- I left him alone with Sparky! --

-- I gotta get home and fast! --

-- But how?

(SFX: OFFSCREEN SQUAWK)

EXT. - TURNER HOUSEHOLD

(SFX: FLUSHING TOILET)

CROCKERCurse this bladder! --

-- With all the trips to the bathroom, --

-- I don’t know how Mother had time to ruin my life! --

-- Anyway, where was I? --

-- Oh yes, --

-- shoving this fairy dog into the replicator.

SPARKYOw. --

-- You know, I’d t a lot easier into the elevator.

(SFX: RAVEN SQUAWK)

TIMMYHold it right there, future me! Or should I say, Mr. Crocker.

CROCKERDwayne, you turncoat! --

-- I’m gonna turn you into a coat! --

-- Anyway, --

-- you’re --

-- too late, --

-- Turner. --

-- And since Mother’s not here to sneeze on anything, --

-- nothing can go wrong! --

-- I’m about to become half human, --

-- half fairy!

(SFX: LA CUCAROCHA HORN PLAYS)

Fairies poof out of the car.

(CROCKER PANICKING!)

CROCKER (CONT’D) GAH! --

-- I’m a PT Crocker!

WANDAWhen did Mr. Crocker get here?

TIMMYHe was here the whole time --

-- pretending to be future me.

COSMOWhew, what a relief!

TIMMYYeah! I don’t turn into a repulsive monster next week. --

-- Woo --

-- hoo!

COSMONo, I mean I got my driver’s license --

-- and I didn’t blink!

FUTURE COSMOYeah, --

-- but I did. --

FAIRYLAND COSMO FAIRYBOTTOMHeight: 3’6”Weight: NoneOrgan Donor:

-- We gotta go back!

COSMOBut we crashed our car.

TIMMYI’ve got a car you can use!

(CROCKER SCREAMING)

CROCKER SCREAMING

CROCKER GAH! Watch the road!

FUTURE COSMOWhere we’re going we don’t need roads!

COSMOThen again, our eyes are shut --

-- so I don’t know what we’ll be driving on.

CROCKERI’m coming for you, Dwayne! --

-- Right after I see a doctor. --

-- I’m leaking fuel. --

FOP360sc168_Ext_NeighborhoodCyclePan

-- GAH! --

-- I have the gas tank of an 80 year old woman.

DMV CLERKI found a new pen!

DMV CLERKBest day ever.

Fairly OddParents 389 - "Turning into Turner"

Art & Photos