Fully Living LifeAfter the Death of a Loved

One

Mark Elliott Miller, MPHGoodwill Industries Good Careers Academy

San Antonio, Texas

Session DescriptionThis session will focus on living with a loved one who has been diagnosed with cancer or another serious illness. How do caregivers balance work and family responsibilities while “being the rock” for the sick family member? Coping skills will be shared based on experiences chronicled in my book, The Husband’s Guide to Cancer Survival. Attendees will be served emotionally by the presentation and be provided with skills and resources to help others fully live life when death is looming at the door.

Learning Objectives

1. Develop coping skills for caregivers of the terminally ill.

2. Re-develop relationship skills for the terminally and chronically ill with their family and friends through journaling and other techniques.

3. Identify resources available in the community and on-line to make this stage of life livable.

Relevance to field of agingEvery one of us at some point in our life will deal with illness and mortality issues. Learning how to embrace life until the last breath is a lesson best taught by someone who has walked that path. This program is for individuals seeking greater self-awareness and professionals serving the aging community.

Relevance to field of aging (cont.)Participants will leave the session with a “healthy living toolkit.” They will learn the importance of understanding and communicating the stages of death and dying, the concept of writing journals as a means of channeling fears and capturing memories, and the multiple dimensions of health that must be fostered.

Robyn Miller’s Story• Daughter• Sister• Wife/Soul Mate• Mother/Stepmother• Grandmother• Medical Assistant• Woman With Infectious

Laugh & Beautiful Smile• Loving Heart…Friend• Multiple Myeloma Patient

From Houston to Arlington With Love and Fear

• Selected passages from The Husband’s Guide to Cancer Survival

• Finding laughter in tragedy• Real men do cry• A lesson from Becky Williams

on wigs• Friends forever?

When a nurse needs end-of-life care

Chet Talenda’s Story– 80-years-old; retired nurse anesthetist in Beaumont, Texas– Loving husband for 52 years, father of four, and

grandfather of nine

– Suffered from COPD, Diabetes, Heart Disease…

Dr. Randy Pausch Story on the Oprah Winfrey Show

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ncoSRKoU6GQ

Jai Pausch Public Service Annoucement

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Is_lLH0cTIo&feature=related

The Stages of Grieving

(Based on the Grief Cycle model first published in On Death & Dying, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, 1969. Interpretation by Alan Chapman 2006-2009).

1- Denial

Denial is a conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts, information, reality, etc., relating to the situation concerned. It's a defense mechanism and perfectly natural. Some people can become locked in this stage when dealing with a traumatic change that can be ignored. Death of course is not particularly easy to avoid or evade indefinitely.

By Elisabeth Kübler Ross, MD

Second Stage of Grieving

2 - AngerAnger can manifest in different ways. People dealing with emotional upset can be angry with themselves, and/or with others, especially those close to them. Knowing this helps keep us detached and non-judgmental when experiencing the anger of someone who is very upset.

Third Stage of Grieving

3 - Bargaining Traditionally the bargaining stage for people facing death can involve attempting to bargain with whatever God the person believes in. People facing less serious trauma can bargain or seek to negotiate a compromise. For example "Can we still be friends?.." when facing a break-up. Bargaining rarely provides a sustainable solution, especially if it's a matter of life or death.

Fourth Stage of Grieving

4 - Depression Also referred to as preparatory grieving. In a way it's the dress rehearsal or the practice run for the 'aftermath' although this stage means different things depending on whom it involves. It's a sort of acceptance with emotional attachment. It's natural to feel sadness and regret, fear, uncertainty, etc. It shows that the person has at least begun to accept the reality.

Fifth Stage of Grieving

5 - Acceptance Again this stage definitely varies according to the person's situation, although broadly it is an indication that there is some emotional detachment and objectivity. People dying can enter this stage a long time before the people they leave behind, who must necessarily pass through their own individual stages of dealing with the grief.

Strive for Total Health for Life• Six Dimensions of Health– Physical– Emotional– Social– Intellectual– Environmental– Spiritual• http://www.youtube.com/watch?

v=Dljz3AcSQ3I&list=UUOyUBnLThbNjlQm9ZrJ0MYg&index=17&feature=plcp

Thoughts on WritingIt is a human trait to think creatively, rapidly, chaotically. We normally think in the flow of our existence, in response to the stimuli of moving time, and find it very hard to halt that flow in order to sort out where we are, and what we understand at any one moment, without giving ourselves up to the next moment, the next stimulus. Writing requires us to halt time for a while -- it requires closure, the decision to draw a line underneath what we are going to consider, to relegate present knowledge to an immediate past in which it can be configured, and reconfigured, in order to create an impact of some kind upon whoever is going to read it.

Our thoughts on writing (cont.)

This is often a disturbing and uncomfortable thing to do. We might discover that we don't know enough about what we are talking about, that what we have to say is incomplete, and how we are trying to say it somehow weaker and less appropriate than we imagined it would be. Putting thinking into writing tends to expose the weakness of our thinking, and the poverty of our expression, to the judgment of others and this becomes something we would rather avoid.

Davies, C., & Birbill, M. (2000, December). What do people need to know about writing in order to write in their jobs? British Journal of Educational Studies, 48(4), 429.

Journaling: The Sharpest Tool

Journaling Captures Words We Often Cannot Say

• The Louise Miller as a mother approach:– Write a letter to a loved one as if your days were numbered.

• The Mark Miller as a parent approach:– Write advice for your children that you learned from others or

wished you had learned. Include the Six Dimensions of Health as you hope they’ll apply them in their lives.

• The Pastor Leola approach:– Write a letter to someone who hurt you and forgive them. Mail

it. Tear it up. Or place it in a helium balloon and let it fly away.• The reporter approach:

– Write freely and answer: “who, what, when, why and how”.

Journaling Practice30 Minutes

Try one or more journaling techniques now to practice self-healing or prepare

you to help others.

Live Life to the Fullest!

• "It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth - and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up, we will then begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had."

Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, 1926-2004, psychiatrist, humanitarian, teacher, author, and pioneer of bereavement and hospice care. With thanks to www.ekrfoundation.org and www.elisabethkublerross.com.

There’s a lot to carry in yourtool kit for life

Listen…capture (and share) life stories through journaling…practice the six dimensions of health with gusto…laugh out loud…practice unconditional love…

forgive…cherish memories…allow yourself to grieve…In time, allow yourself to love again…have faith…

Free things we forget to enjoy• Love, marriage• Family, friends• Children, grandchildren• Sunrises, sunsets• Moonlit nights,

twinkling stars• Little babies• The gifts of touch, taste,

smell, hearing, eyesight,

• Good health• Flowers• Lakes• Clouds• Sex• The ability to make

choices• Life itselfFrom: The Servant by James C. Hunter

Resources• The Husband’s Guide to Cancer Survival (Book)

– www.markelliottmiller.com / www.amazon.com

• Life Before Death (DVD)– http://www.lifebeforedeath.com/movie/buy-the-movie.shtml

• On Death and Dying (Book)– http://www.amazon.com/On-Death-Dying-Elisabeth-Kubler-Ross/dp/0684839385

• Tuesdays With Morrie (Book and DVD)– http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_1_19?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-

keywords=tuesday+with+morrie+by+mitch+albom&sprefix=Tuesday+With+Morrie%2Cstripbooks%2C294

– http://www.moviesunlimited.com/musite/product.asp?sku=D44466&gclid=CIHgmfWduK8CFWvktgodeje%2Djw

• The Last Lecture (Book)– http://www.amazon.com/The-Last-Lecture-Randy-Pausch/dp/1401323251

Questions

© 2012 Mark Elliott Miller, MPH, 11915 Peach Crossing, Helotes, Texas 78023, 832-221-1564,

markelliottmiller@ymail.com / www.markelliottmiller.com