Felix & Margie Cook Gene & Gloria Davis

Mckenzie, Chandler & Alexis

SESSION ONE:INTRODUCTION

“GOOD ENOUGH PARENTING” MODELThe Interplay of the Different Factors on the Outcome

of Parenting

Parenting matters…self-esteem story

Your Marriage Matters

“The best gift a man can give his children is to love their mother.”

MOVIE MOMENT

Catch Me If You Can

Quality of Marriage Affects Parenting

MOVIE MOMENT

Catch Me If You Can

Quality of Marriage Affects Parenting

And eventually he was sentenced to twelve years in prison in solitary confinement!

All of this started because of the break-up of his parents’ marriage!

We are a combination of: - Temperament - Environment - Core Needs Met - God’s Grace!

Additionally…

Our inborn emotional makeup: it is the way we are built to interact with our world

Temperament

Birth order Birthplace Culture Neighborhood Type of school

Environment

“GOOD ENOUGH PARENTING” MODELThe Interplay of the Different Factors on the

Outcome of Parenting

Core Needs that Were Met

God’s Grace

Core Emotional Needs

1. Connection & Acceptance

2. Healthy Autonomy & Performance

3. Reasonable Limits

4. Realistic Expectations

Plus one: Spiritual Values & Community

What are “Core Emotional Needs” (CEN)?

Needs required in order to maintain healthy relationships and not hurt others or self.

When core emotional needs are not met, children feel exasperated and discouraged. Lifetraps (maladaptive schemas) develop, and coping styles become more pronounced.

What Happens When CEN Are Not Met?

CONNECTION AND ACCEPTANCE

HEALTHY AUTONOMY

REASONABLE LIMITS

REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

SPIRITUAL VALUES AND COMMUNITY

EXASPERATION INTERACTIONS

Exasperation Interactions1. Belittling 2. Perfectionistic and Conditional 3. Controlling 4. Punitive 5. Emotionally Depriving and Inhibiting 6. Overprotective 7. Pessimistic 8. Overly Permissive

Research Reveals

Study in 2006 by Harvard Medical School and McLean Hospital highlighted that demeaning or belittling words contribute more to children’s dysfunction than harsh physical punishment!

Good Enough Parenting, page 51

1. BelittlingWhen parents make fun of their children, call them names, make derogatory remarks, disparage their looks, or humiliate them,

…children will feel belittled.

Examples of Belittling Statements

“If you don’t improve your grades, how will you fit in the family?”

“No one will want to marry you if you act like that”

“You have the table manners of a pig.”

Examples of Belittling Statements

To sons… “Big boys don’t cry.

“Stop acting like a girl…”

“Take it like a man.”

2. Perfectionistic and Conditional

Examples of Perfectionistic and Conditional Statements

“I hope you feel terrible about your grades. Do you have any idea how this made us feel?”

“I have no tolerance when you focus on your feelings. It makes you look weak.”

“You are too easily satisfied. This is your problem.”

Examples of Perfectionistic and Conditional Statements

“Do you have any idea how much we have sacrificed for you? Do you know how we feel when you don’t score top grades?” (or come in first at the swimming competition or whatever.)

“Stop wasting time going out with your friends. Get serious with your tennis (or soccer/ballet, etc.) and be productive.”

3. Controlling Parents who exasperate their children in this way may be driven by the enmeshment lifetrap or the desire to control. They will not permit their children to feel differently from them, but rather dictate how they should feel and think.

Controlling

Needless to say, parents who are ultra controlling (and parents who are enmeshed) are usually clueless about how their interactions exasperate their children.

4. Punitive You know that parents are exasperating with punitiveness when children feel that they are punished for everything they do wrong or made to feel guilty repeatedly for past mistakes.

Examples of Punitive Statements

“Stop crying and get happy now or else I will spank you! Now!” “If you are going to be quiet and sad, then go to your room and forget about having dinner together. Come out when you are happy.” There is very little sense of grace and mercy; more emphasis on “justice” and “truth”.

5. Emotionally Depriving and Inhibiting

Emotionally Depriving and Inhibiting

They do not like loud noise, including children crying. Their philosophy is, “Children are to be seen and not heard”. They feel uncomfortable with both the high and low emotions – they do not encourage children to laugh out loud, play loud games, or have friends over often, and…

Examples of Emotionally Depriving and Inhibiting Statements

“We know best. So just listen and obey.” “If you are going to talk about your feelings, tell your mother.” (father talking to his children). “Take life as it comes. Life is like that unfortunately. These things happen.”

Examples of Emotionally Depriving and Inhibiting Statements

“Just forget it when people hurt you. It is not a big deal.” “Why are you so excited? Calm down.” “What did you do wrong first? Admit that before anything, otherwise let’s not talk about your feelings.”

Emotionally Depriving and Inhibiting

There are other reasons why a parent may emotionally deprive their children. Being busy with work or being depressed in their marriage can contribute to this.

MOVIE MOMENT

Rocky V

Rocky is medically unfit after many injuries, and has been made a bankrupt by unscrupulous accountants! He used to be close to his son, but in his eagerness to train up Tommy Gunn, his new protégé, he neglects his son.

MOVIE MOMENT

Rocky V

The son gets revenge on the bullies who stole his leather jacket and taunt him daily in the new neighbourhood…

6. Overprotective

Parents who are over protective will get excessively worried about their children for the smallest of issues. They will create scenarios that are unrealistic and then convey these to their children, or at least react in such a manner that it would be obvious that they are over-reacting.

MOVIE MOMENT

Finding Nemo

Overprotective

Eventually the children may become like them and over-react, too. Children can feel frustrated getting exposed to such constant signals from their parents. They then hang out with their friends much more than they would with their parents, or they surrender to their parents’ fears and become stay-at-home worry warts.

Overprotective

When parents are over protective, it is hard for kids to believe in themselves.

7. Pessimistic

Children become exasperated when they repeatedly hear that the glass is always half empty, not half full.

8. Overly Permissive

Parents who are overly permissive are not available, or too busy doing their own thing. Sometimes the parents feel guilty for not getting involved with their children, so they over react by not expecting the kids to respect boundaries or learn proper discipline. They are not there to talk about the difficult issues that their children are going through….Eventually when children do not feel guided by their parents.

Examples of Overly Permissive Statements

“Sorry, I am too busy. You need to learn to deal with your ups and downs yourself. You’re almost a grown up.” “If you are feeling angry, just let it all out. Then you will feel better.” “I am sorry you feel that way. It is my fault. I am a lousy parent.” (Or parents thinking this instead of saying it).

Examples of Overly Permissive Statements

“If you just leave your feelings aside, they will go away. Time will heal your wounds.” “Sorry, you feel sad. Want to watch TV? There’s something really fun on now.” “Have some ice cream. That is the best way to take your sadness away and make you feel better.”

Overly Permissive

Children whose parents are permissive feel that their parents were just not there for them and were too busy doing their own thing, leaving them to figure out how to manage and control their lives. This can easily cause them to not feel connected with their parent and create resentment and frustration in them.

MOVIE MOMENT

The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio Baby powder and diaper change

If anyone had an excuse to engage in Exasperation Interactions, it would be this mother of ten children whose husband “drank” his paycheck!

End of Session One