Body Language: How to Listen with your Eyes

Jillayne SchlickeM.A., PsychologyCE Forward, Inc.

Class SponsorMichael GoodheimCommission Express

206-829-2440Commissionexpress.com/wa

“I really appreciate the value and the exceptional level of service you provide…just what I needed to get through this market.”

Course: Body Language; How to Listen with your

EyesCourse Number C-8164

School:CE Forward, Inc.

School Number: S-1655

Instructor: Jillayne Schlicke

Instructor Number: I-0651

Agenda

• Introductions• Objectives• Boundaries• Small group assignment• Intro to non-verbal comm• Gender, purpose, attention

span• Non-verbal awareness• Small group assignment:

Signals• Hand and arm gestures• Hand to face gestures• Arm and leg barriers• Eye signals and clusters• Breakthrough strategy• Role play• Quiz• Recap, Close, Certificates

How to listen with your eyes

C-8164

Objectives for Today

•How to recognize and understand the signals that clients are sending.

•How to monitor our own signals

that we send out to clients (signals that may not be serving me.)

•Learn how to positively influence a communicative encounter by changing your body posture and the resulting non-verbal signals that you send.

Boundaries

Non-VerbalCommunication

FamilyCultural context

Diagnose

Time

Small group assignment

•Break into small groups

•Share an experience with each other about when a real estate client was sending odd, conflicting, negative, non-verbal signals.

•Proxemics….using space to communicate•Gender issues•Gender issues•mirroring

•Video recording….role playing pen…up and down….picture

•Diff types of learners•How do the react when walking into a

home?•Seller white…Chinese buyers. The arm

cross. The silent treatment…•Intuition…v indigestion

•Single man….meet at a restaurant….buz or more?

•Insecure person….hands/fist to mouth….•Monotone voice (poker voice)•Korea…americanized 5 yrs…..•Large hand gestures, animated faces

Small group assignment•Back turn and then Eye roll:

Lying….disrespectful…bored….arrogant….honest

•No eye contact….lack of respect? Have I offended him?

•Back turned…arms folded…away from Realtor•Two ppl…out w/one first….create

rapport….often w second person…they are different. Mimic/mirror?

•Client is unreliable re his behavior. Controlling•He wants to be in control….negotiator

Introduction

• Many problems occur interpersonally and professionally due to different assumptions

• Non-verbal signals can be both intentional and unintentional

• Over 90% of our communication is • non-verbal

55% is body language38% is voice inflection7% is the actual words we say

Non-verbal Communication is…

•Emotional •Instinctual•From the limbic brain

system

• 5 Core Human Emotions

• Sad• Fear• Anger• Joy• Disgust

Differences in Communication Styles Between Men and Women•Men often think contractually.

▫“well, I said this.”

•Women often think in a non-verbal way.

•e.g., Men nod their head when listening to signal that they agree with the talker.

•Women nod their head when listening to signal that they are listening.

• (stereotyping)

Purpose of the Training

•We live in a fast-paced society

•Reactive vs. reflective

•Not being reactive gives you an opportunity to reflect before formulating your response

Attention Span•The attention span of the average

person is short

•Continuous partial attention

•If we tune out our client, and tune into our own thoughts, our non-verbal signals may change to mirror whatever is on our mind.

How we send signals

•Acceptance: Leaning forward•Doubt: Leaning away from•Defensiveness: leaning back and away

from. Arms or legs crossed

•What to do when our client sends mixed signals?

Three stages of non-verbal awareness:•1. Awareness of our client•2. Awareness of self•3. Management of our client

•Section 4 handout•Complete the Body Language quiz with

the members of your small group

•Question on the 5 core human emotions

•Anger•Sadness•Joy•Fear•Disgust

Section 4 Handout Answers1. Staring in Silence

Anger or agitation2. Leaning forward across the table

Interest, commitment, or curiosity3. Blushing

Embarrassment, anger, or aggression4. Tapping a pencil on a table

Nervousness, anxiety, or impatience5. Looking out of the window

Boredom, disinterest, lack of concentration6. Maintaining a blank expression or poker

faceAn emotional reaction that is intentionally stifled.

7. Clenched JawAggravation, irritation, impatience

8. Gesturing or moving hands excessivelyAgitation, tension, nervousness

9. Maintaining eye contact with you when you speakInterest, candor, agreement

10.Getting up from the table and moving around the roomAgitation, entrapment, tension, frustration

11.Blinking very frequentlyanger, excitement, or frustration

Class Sponsor

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Hand and Arm Gestures

3. Hands clenched together a.

b.

c.

This shows frustration, a negative attitude, and/or fright. The higher the hands, the more difficult the person is to handle.

4. Hands steepled

This conveys confidence, superiority, or self-assurance.

(while talking)

(while listening)

5. Gripping hands, arms, and wrists

This is a signal of frustration and an attempt at self control. The further the hand is moved up the back, the angrier the person is becoming. If the self control gesture is changed to the palm in palm position in the front of the body, calmness and confidence results.

6. Thumb Displays

These express dominance and superiority, or possibly aggression.

7. Hand Parades

Open and relaxed hands indicate openness.

Self-touching gestures indicate tension.

Involuntary hand gestures may contradict a facial expression, and they indicate true feelings.

Hand to Face Gestures

1.

Mouthguard

This indicates lying. However, if the other person covers his mouth while you are speaking, he believes you are lying.

This is a disguised version of the mouthguard.

2. Nose touching 3. Eye Rub

This indicates lying. Sometimes women will look at the ceiling when lying (in order to avoid smudging their makeup).

4. Ear rub

This indicates a desire to block out the other’s words.This person wants to be the one who’s talking!

5. Neck scratch

This indicates doubt, uncertainty, or lack of agreement.

6. Collar pull

This shows that you believe that the other person thinks you are lying. (You believe you’ve been caught!)

7. Fingers in the mouth

This indicates insecurity, and a need for reassurance.

8.a. Boredom

This is an attempt to hold one’s head up in order to prevent one from falling asleep.

8.b. Evaluation When the index

finger points up the cheek, and the thumb supports the chin, the listener is having critical (not necessarily negative) thoughts about the speaker or the subject.

8.c. Chin stroking This signals that

the listener is making a decision. If crossed arms and legs follow, this indicates a “no.” If chin stroking is followed by leaning forward and open palms, this indicates a “yes.”

9. Variations of decision-making gestures

These indicate uncertainty and require reassurance.

10. Gestures with glasses

This is used to delay a decision.

This indicates a critical or judgmental attitude.

11. Head-rubbing and head-slapping gestures

Both of these signals are a response to being told that you have forgotten something. Slapping the back of the neck indicates that you think the other is a pain in the neck for pointing out your forgetfulness. Slapping the forehead indicates that you are not critical of the other who has pointed out your forgetfulness; instead, you are critical of yourself.

Arm Barriers

1. Standard Arm Cross 2. Reinforced 3. Arm gripping

This indicates a defensive or negative attitude, even if the other person verbally agrees with you.

This indicates not only defensiveness, but hostility and aggression.

This indicates a negative and restrained attitude.

4. Partial Arm Cross 5. Disguised

This indicates a lack of self-confidence and the need for reassurance.

These indicate a lack of self-confidence, as well.

Leg Barriers

1. Crossed-leg (crossed very tight)

For men, this signals a negative or defensive attitude. For women, this usually indicates a traditional gender role behavior. This gesture should always be interpreted in relation to other gestures.

This indicates a stubborn, resistant, or

argumentative attitude.

Leg lock Lock and clamp

5. Standing leg cross

Most people stand this way when they are among people whom they do not know well.

6. Ankle lock

This indicates a negative or defensive attitude.

7. Foot lock

Women who are shy commonly use this gesture. The top of one foot locks around the other leg to reinforce a defensive attitude.

8. Feet on desk

This indicates ownership, superiority, or dominance.

This indicates that the other person is not receptive to what you are saying.

This will encourage the other person to assume

an open posture.

10. Legs crossed towards

9. Legs crossed away from

11. Uncrossed

This indicates an attitude of cooperation, confidence, and friendly

interest in the other person.

Eye Signals

a. Business gaze

The business gaze creates a serious atmosphere and is limited to the area between the other person’s eyes and up to his forehead.

The social gaze drops to the area between the eyes and mouth and creates a social atmosphere.

The intimate gaze indicates romantic interest.

b. Social gaze

c. Intimate gaze

4. Sideways glance

When this glance is combined with slightly raised eyebrows or a smile, it communicates interest. If it is combined with down-turned eyebrows, furrowed brow, or down-turned corners of the mouth, it signals a suspicious, hostile, or critical attitude.

a. Interest b. Hostility

5. Eye block

This indicates that the other person has become bored or uninterested in you and feels that she is superior to you.

6.a. Up (neutral)

The up position indicates a neutral attitude. Look for hand-to-cheek evaluation gestures.

The tilt position shows interest. If the other person leans forward using hand-to-chin evaluation gestures, you are getting your point across.

The down position indicates a negative, judgmental, or critical attitude.

6.b. Tilt (interest)

6.c. Down (negative)

7. Both hands behind the head

This indicates confidence, dominance, or superiority.

8. Straddling a chair

This indicates an aggressive, domineering and overbearing individual who tries to take control of other people when she becomes bored with the conversation.

9. Picking imaginary lint

This indicates person who disapproves of what is being said but who feels inhibited in giving her point of view. Her verbal agreement of what is being said cannot be trusted.

10.a. Closed

Closed coat shows aggressive frustration.

Open coat shows direct aggression and fearlessness.

It is reinforced when the feet are placed evenly on the ground or the fists are clenched.

This displays critical evaluation and impatience.

10.b. Open 10.c. Female version

11. Seated readiness

This indicates agreement and interest.

12. Starter’s position

This indicates a desire to end the conversation.

a. Hands on knees b. Hands on chair

Breakthrough Strategy

•Do not react•Do not argue•Maintain an open, compassionate body

posture.•Listen•When the client is finished….•Ask the client “what do you think is

best for you?”

Role Play

•Client•Realtor•Observer

Role Play

•Client: Your job is to send lots of non-verbal signals!

•Realtor: Your job is to read the signals and use the breakthrough strategy.

•Observer: Your job is to carefully watch what happens and take lots of notes

Possible Scenarios

•Use one of the scenarios from this morning•Home seller who has to leave a large home

on acreage for a small condo•Home seller facing foreclosure•Home buyer who is frustrated due to lack

of inventory•Nervous first time home buyer worried

that home values will continue to go down.

Breakthrough Strategy

•Do not react•Do not argue•Maintain an open, compassionate body

posture.•Listen•When the client is finished….•Ask the client “what do you think is

best for you?”

Role Play

•What worked?•What didn’t work?•What did you learn?

Quiz

Revisit Opening Case Study

•Revisit the case studies we talked about at the beginning of class.

•What was your client trying to say?

Last Exercise

•One non-verbal communication signal that you would like to work on▫With clients▫Or within other interpersonal relationships

Recap• Patience

If we move too fast we might miss important cues

• Reflection v. being reactive

• Compassion Is our own body language conveying compassion?

• Understand DiversityIn A Different Mirror by Ronald Takaki $11. on amazon

Recap• What about the client whom we rarely see

face to face?Space and time. Silence v. chatter.

• ResistanceIf you’re feeling resistance, this might be a growth area.

 • Whatever we choose to do, whether it’s the

words we say or our own non-verbal language, we are either moving closer to our clients or we’re moving farther away.

Final individual assignment

•Write a narrative description about your experience in class.

Intercultural Communication

•Asian•Chinese, Japanese, •India •Vietnamese•Indonesia•Middle eastern•Hispanic

•Italian, Spain, eye rub = lying gesture.

Expectations• How to watch for signs that a client is getting hostile. • How to watch my own body language…what signals am I sending?• What does a slow, fast voice inflection mean?• How to approach a seller (with news they may not want to hear) to maximize a

positive outcome. • How to open up communication channels at an open house situation• How do I re-sensitize myself to cueing in to the non-verbal.• Non-verbal cues I send off when making formal presentations• Increase my awareness of when I need to (((( listen ))) better.• Non-face-to-face client interactions…phone, email• I want to learn the most I can about my clients the fastest way possible• Reading the non-verbal communication of my kids• How to tell when I shouldn’t waste time with a new client

Public Speaking

•Simple gestures to help with nervousness and display confidence.▫Steepling▫Research shows this has a calming effect

on ourselves when we steeple.