Communication Workshop

Joe Greenstein & Semira Rahemtulla

April 14, 2016

Why are we doing this?

One Big Idea

INTENTNeeds

Motives

Stories

Reality #2

IMPACTAssumptions

Feelings

Responses

Reality #3

3 Realities (The “Net” Model)

The Net

BEHAVIORVerbal

Non-Verbal

Reality #1Shared

Feelings & Emotions – Why??Feelings & Emotions – Why??

Self-Disclosure

Will I be less liked,

respected, influential

(leader-like)?

Is it relevant? Will it further the discussion – the

relationship?

Will others use this

information against me?

How will others

see/assess/ judge me?

“What in

my ‘bubble’

should I

share?”

Self-Disclosure

“ VULNERABILITY ISTHE BIRTHPLACEOF CONNECTION. ”BRENÉ

BROWN

Authentic Leaders

“The single factor distinguishing top

quartile managers from bottom quartile

managers was strength of affection.”

--“Encouraging the Heart: A Leader’s Guide to Recognizing and Rewarding Others”,

Kouzes & Posner

Authentic Leaders

Feedback & Influence

#1 Factor for Happiness

on the Job:

Feeling appreciated

-- 2014 BCG/The Network survey of 200K employees

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityBuilding a culture of appreciation

1. Create a space for it

2. Lead by example

Photo: Robbie Grubbs

Can I give you some feedback?

Social situations ≈ Physical threats

Threat Response

So… how do we communicate feedback

while minimizing defensiveness?

INTENTNeeds

Motives

Stories

Reality #2

IMPACTAssumptions

Feelings

Responses

Reality #3

3 Realities (The “Net” Model)

The Net

BEHAVIORVerbal

Non-Verbal

Reality #1Shared

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityHow to Give Effective Feedback

• Focus on specific, observable behavior

When you do [x]…

• Describe the impact of that behavior on you

I feel [y]…

• Ask about the other person’s motives or

intentions

Can you tell me what’s going on for you?

Stay on your side of the net!

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLet’s try some examples…

1. Joe, you clearly don’t care about this presentation.

2. Joe, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. You are

clearly bored with this presentation.

3. Joe, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. I am

feeling anxious about what message that might send to

others in the room.

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLet’s try another example…

1. You’re not very approachable.

2. When I asked you for time off last week, you didn’t respond

very well. You’re not very approachable.

3. When I asked you for time off last week and you said “oh

man, the team really needs you right now,” I felt guilty for

asking, even though that time off is important to me. And

I’ve noticed I’m more hesitant now to approach you with

questions or requests.

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityHow to Give Effective Feedback

When you do [x]…

I feel [y == emotion] that / like

And my story is [z].

Can you tell me what’s going on for you?

Photo by Ana Karenina [link]

1:1 Feedback

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityThe Setup

1. Check in

– “Is now a good time?”

2. Soft Start

– Do not use praise to buffer criticism (“The Sandwich”)

– Do emphasize mutual goals & positive intent:

“My intention is…… / This matters to me because…”

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityReceiving Feedback

• Look for “Grains of Truth”– Goal is understanding, not winning

• Help the other person feel heard– Ask clarifying questions

– Restate what you’ve heard to confirm understanding

• Acknowledge your feelings– Manage your own defensiveness: “Affect Labeling”

– Disclose your reactions, thoughts, feelings

• Gift mentality: Say “Thank you!”

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityEnd with Agreements

• Make requests

– What are we going to try / do differently going forward?

• Be specific

• Discuss the error case

– What can we do if someone doesn’t do their part of the

agreement?

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLast Reminder

Stay on your side of the net:

When you do [x]…

I feel [y]…

And my story is [z].

Can you tell me what’s going on for you?

Use the Vocabulary of Emotions.

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilitySuggested Topics For Feedback

Work Product

– Timeliness, quality, quantity, focus area

Communication & Management

– Too much/little

– Choice of format

– Email etiquette

– Language choices, communication style with others

– Transparency of project status, hiring/firing/promotions

Role Modeling & Presence

– What energy do you feel from

this person?

– How do they impact others?

– What do they model well?

– Anything you worry about?

– Arrival/departure times

– How they speak/listen/act/dress

Thanks, good-bye, and stay on

your side of the net