Breaking UpWhy she left me…

Why do people divorce?1. Infidelity – 21.6%2. Incompatibility – 19.2%3. Drinking/ Drug Abuse – 10%4. Growing apart – 9.6 %5. Personality – 9.1%6. Lack of Communication – 8.7%7. Abuse – 5.8%8. Loss of Love – 4.3%9. Irresponsibility – 3.4%10.Work Problems – 3.4%

What role do you think finances play in divorce?

Young Marriages

Young Marriages

• Immaturity• Financial Resources• Perceptions of Being Tied Down• Poor reasons for getting married in

the first place.– To get away from family

40 % divorce rate for those married between 18-19

24% when married after 25

Do Opposites Attract?

Oppositions

• Culture• Education• Intelligence• Attractiveness• Health• Commitment• Attitudes toward Sex

Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Gottman (1994)

Complaints and Criticisms

Contempt & Disgust

Defensiveness

Stonewalling

5 Complaints

• Behavior• Personal Characteristics• Performance• Appearance• Meta-complaining

5 Complaints

• Behavior• Personal Characteristics• Performance• Appearance• Meta-complaining

Satisfied couples complain about specific behaviors.

5 Complaints

• Behavior

• Personal Characteristics• Performance• Appearance• Meta-complaining

Dissatisfied couples complain about personal characteristics

Complaints and Criticisms

Contempt & Disgust

Defensiveness

Stonewalling

Complaints and Criticisms

Contempt & Disgust

Defensiveness

Stonewalling

Complaints and Criticisms

Contempt & Disgust

Defensiveness

Stonewalling

Save Your Marriage

1. Soften the start up2. Focus on what you want, not on what

you do not want.3. Respond with open-ended questions4. Accept emotional bids5. Express Appreciation6. Repair Conversations7. Establish rituals for connection8. Accept influence

How We Break UpBreaking Up – Part 2

Duck’s Model of Breaking Up

Intra-psychic Processes

Dyadic Processes

Social Processes

Why can the social processes stage be the most detrimental

to the relationship?

Dark Side

Grave Dressing

Resurrection

Knapp’s Stages of Coming Apart

Differentiation

Circumscribing

Stagnating

Avoiding

Terminating

What is the problem with Stage Models?

Catastrophe Theory

How do you break up?

How would you prefer your significant other to dump

you?

What about the kids?

• Kids of divorced parents:–More likely to be depressed– Less satisfied with life– Have poor relationships–More likely to divorce–Make less $$$– Poor Health

Why are kids from divorced families more likely to

divorce?

Good News!

These differences are reduced when the divorced parents maintain a positive relationship

It is better for the kids to divorce than to stay in a bad relationship.

What are some other benefits to breaking up?

The Final Exam

• Two required questions:– Define IPC (contrast against other forms

of communication, break down the various parts)

– Theory application.

• Four essay questions out of several.– One question from each chapter, so

know four chapters really well

The Final Exam

• What I will grade on:– Accuracy (do you use the correct terms, do you

understand the concept?)– Answer depth (did you explain it in enough depth

to demonstrate your understanding of the concept?– Application (do you use examples from specific

real life experiences: you, a friend, a character in a film)

– Cross Referencing (are you bringing in specific concepts from the text? A+ answers are able to connect multiple concepts and chapters)