Post on 10-May-2015
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RAISING SOCIALLY & EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT CHILDRENRabbi Binyamin Goldman, PsyD, CSP
WHAT IS EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE?“EQ”
THE 5 EQ COMPETENCIES
1. Self-Awareness2. Social Awareness3. Self-Management4. Relationship Skills5. Responsible Decision Making
EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE COMPETENCIES
Responsible
Decision
Making
SELF OTHERS
THOUGHTS
ACTIONS
Responsible
Decision
Making
SELF-A
WA
REN
ESS
ACROSS DEVELOPMEN
T
Elementary Grades:
Should be able to recognize and accurately label simple emotions such as sadness, anger, and happiness
Middle School:
Should be able to analyze factors that trigger their stress reactions.
High School:
Are expected to analyze how various expressions of emotion affect other people.
Accurately assessing one’s own thoughts, feelings, interests, values, and strengths
Recognizing how they influence choices and actions
Maintaining a well-grounded sense of self-confidence
SO
CIA
L A
WA
REN
ESS
ACROSS DEVELOPMENT
Elementary Grades:
Should be able to identify verbal, physical, and situational cues indicating how others feel.
Middle School:
Should be able to predict others’ feelings and perspectives in various situations.
High School:
Should be able to evaluate their ability to empathize with others.
Taking others’ perspective and empathizing with them
Recognizing and appreciating individual and group similarities and differences
Recognizing and using family, school, and community resources
SELF-M
AN
AG
EM
EN
T
ACROSS DEVELOPMENT
Elementary Grades:
Children are expected to describe the steps of setting and working toward goals.
Middle School:
They should be able to set and make a plan to achieve a short-term personal or academic goal.
High School:
Should be able to identify strategies to make use of available school and community resources and overcome obstacles in achieving a long-term goal.
Regulating one’s emotions to handle stress, control impulses, and persevere in overcoming obstacles
Setting and monitoring progress toward personal, academic and religious goals
Expressing emotions appropriately
RELA
TIO
NS
HIP
SK
ILLS
ACROSS DEVELOPMENT
Elementary Grades:
Should have an ability to describe approaches to making and keeping friends.
Middle School:Are expected to demonstrate co-operation and team-work to promote group goals.
High School:
Are expected to evaluate uses of communication skills with peers, teachers, and family members.
Establishing and maintaining healthy and rewarding relationships based on cooperation
Resisting inappropriate social pressure; preventing, managing, and resolving interpersonal conflict
Seeking help when needed
RES
PO
NS
IBLE D
EC
ISIO
N-M
AK
ING
ACROSS DEVELOPMEN
T
Elementary Grades:
Should be able to identify a range of decisions they make at home and school.
Middle School:
Should be able to evaluate strategies for resisting peer pressure to engage in unsafe or unethical activities.
High School:
Should be able to analyze how their current decision-making affects their yeshiva, seminary, or college and career prospects
Making decisions based on consideration of: Ethical or halachic standards Safety concerns Appropriate social norms Respect for others, and Likely consequences of various actions
Applying decision-making skills to social and academic situations
Contributing to the well-being of one’s family, school and community
FAMILY LIFEOur first school for emotional learning
FAMILY LIFE
Feel about ourselves and how others will react to our feelings
Think about these feelings and what choices we have in reacting
Read and express hopes and fears
Through family life, we learn how to:
FAMILY LIFE
This learning takes place: In what parents say and
do In how adults treat each
otherWhen parents are emotionally competent in their own relationships, they are more capable of helping their children work through their emotional challenges.
EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT PARENTING How to be an “Emotion Coach”
ASSESSING YOUR PARENTING STYLE
THE DISMISSIVE PARENT
THE DISMISSIVE PARENTWhat they aren’t
Does NOT: Problem-solve with the child; believes that the
passage of time will resolve most problems Feel certain about what to do with the child’s
emotions Show much interest in what the child is trying to
communicate Like focusing on negative emotions; believes
that it will “just make things worse” Likely have great awareness of emotions in self
and others Focus much on the meaning of the emotion;
more interested in how to get over them Feel that children’s feelings count; believes that
they are irrational
THE DISMISSIVE PARENTWhat they are
Disengages from or ignores the child’s feelings; treats them as unimportant, trivial
Wants the child’s negative emotions to disappear quickly
Believes negative emotions are harmful or toxic
Minimizes the child’s feelings, downplaying the events that led to the emotion; may ridicule or make light of a child’s emotions
Fears being out-of-control emotionally
Feels uncomfortable, fearful, anxious, annoyed, hurt or overwhelmed by the child’s emotions; sees them as demands to fix things
Believes that focusing on negative emotions will “just make things worse”
Believes negative emotions mean the child is not well-adjusted, that they reflect badly on their parents
Characteristically uses distraction to shut down child’s emotions
THE DISMISSIVE PARENTEffects of this style on children
They learn that their feelings are wrong, inappropriate, not valid.
They may learn that there is something inherently wrong with them because of the way they feel.
They may have difficulty regulating their own emotions
JESS
ICA
DU
BR
OFF
Jessica’s mother did not let her use negative words like “scared,” “fear,” and “the sadness.”
She told reporters, “Children are fearless. That’s their natural state until adults ingrained fear in them.”
After Jessica’s crash, her mother told the press, “I know what people want. Cheers. But I will not do that. Emotion is unnatural. There is something untruthful about it.”
THE DISAPPROVING PARENT
THE DISAPPROVING PARENTWhat they are Displays many of the
Dismissing Parent’s behaviors, but in a more negative way
Judges and criticizes the child’s emotional expression
Is over-aware of the need to set limits on their children
Emphasizes conformity to good standards of behavior; Is concerned with the child’s obedience to authority
Reprimands, disciplines, or punish the child for emotional expression, whether the child is misbehaving or not
Believes expression of negative emotions should be time-limited
Believes negative emotions reflect bad character traits and need to be controlled
Believes the child uses negative emotions to manipulate; this belief results in power struggles
Believes emotions make people week; children must be emotionally tough for survival
Believes negative emotions are unproductive, a waste of time
THE DISAPPROVING PARENTEffects of this style on children
Same as the Dismissing style
THE LAISSEZ-FAIRE PARENT
THE LAISSEZ-FAIRE PARENTWhat they aren’t
Does NOT:Offer much guidance on behaviorTeach the child about emotionsSet limits; is permissiveHelp children solve problems Teach problem-solving methods to the
child
THE LAISSEZ-FAIRE PARENTWhat they are Freely accepts all emotional expression from
the child Offers comfort to the child experiencing
negative feelings Believes there is little you can do about
negative emotions other than ride them out Believes that managing negative emotions is
a matter of “hydraulics”; release the emotion and the work is done
THE LAISSEZ-FAIRE PARENTEffects of this style on children
They don’t want to regulate their emotions
They have trouble concentrating, forming friendships, and getting along with other children
THE EMOTION COACH
THE EMOTION COACH What they aren’t
Is NOT:Confused or anxious about the child’s
emotional expression; knows what needs to be done
Does NOT:Poke fun at or make light of the child’s
negative feelingsSay how one should feelFeel he or she has to fix every problem for
the child
THE EMOTION COACHWhat They Are Values the child’s negative emotions as an
opportunity for intimacy Can tolerate spending time with a sad,
angry, or fearful child; does not become impatient with the emotion
Is aware of and values his or her own emotions
Sees the world of negative emotions as an important arena for parenting
Is sensitive to the child’s emotional states, even when they are subtle
Respects the child’s emotions
THE BALANCE
” “' ' וגו לבבך בכל אלקיך ה את ואהבתלו מודה הוי לך מודד שהוא ומדה מדה בכל
) נד, ) :ברכות
THE EMOTION COACHWhat They Are Uses emotional moments as a time to:
Listen to the child Empathize with soothing words and affection Help the child label the emotion he or she is
feeling Offer guidance on regulating emotions Set limits and teach acceptable expression of
emotions Teach problem-solving skills
THE EMOTION COACHEffects of this style on children
They learn to:Trust their feelingsRegulate their own emotionsSolve problems
They have high self-esteem, learn well, get along well with others
BECOMING AN EMOTION COACH
5 K
EY
STEP
S T
O E
MO
TIO
N C
OA
CH
ING
Steps parents commonly use to build empathy into relationships with their children, enhancing the children’s emotional intelligence
SCENARIO #1
Eight-year-old Dovid comes in from the yard, looking dejected because the kids next door have refused to play with him. His father, Moishe, looks up from his sefer just long enough to say:
Not again! Look, Dovid, you’re a big kid now, not a baby.
Don’t get upset every time somebody gives you the cold shoulder. Just forget about it. Call one of your friends from
school. Chazer your Chumash, play on the computer.
WHAT’S DOVID THINKING?
SCENARIO #1
Tatty’s right. I’m acting like a baby. That’s why the guys next
door don’t want to play with me. I wonder what’s wrong with me. Why can’t I just
forget it like Tatty says? I’m such a wimp! Nobody wants to
be my friend.
SCENARIO #2
Moishe puts down the sefer, looks at Dovid, and says:
You look kind of sad, Dovid.
Tell me what’s going on.
SCENARIO #2
If Moishe listens—really listens with an open heart—perhaps Dovid will come up with a different assessment of himself. The conversation might continue like this:
SCENARIO #2
Dovid: “Baruch and Shlomo won’t let me play basketball with them.”
Moishie: “I’ll bet that hurt your feelings.”Dovid: “Yeah it did. It made me mad, too.”Moishie: “I can see that.” Dovid: “There’s no reason why I can’t shoot baskets
with them.”Moishe:“Did you talk to them about it?”Dovid: “Nah, I don’t want to.”Moishe:“What do you want to do?”Dovid: “I don’t know. Maybe I’ll just blow it off.”Moishe:“You think that’s a better idea?”Dovid: “Yeah, ‘cuz they’ll probably change their minds
tomorrow. I think I’ll call one of my friends from school or do my chazara. Maybe I’ll play on the computer.”
The Difference is empathy!
SCAFFOLDING
SCENE:Mother finds her young daughter standing in front of a dog, screaming in fright (The daughter is in no physical danger)
How should Mom handle this? What should she say/do?
PRACTICE EXAMPLE
(Hugging the child) “Shhh… Mommy’s here, it’s OK. (Shoos the dog away)
“Now, now. That was really scary wasn’t it? I know. It will be OK now. Mommy’s got you. There, there. Let’s tell that big doggie to go away. OK? Go away big doggie!” All the while hugging and soothing the child.
Response #1 Response #2
SC
AFFO
LD
ING
The mother is using the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching
In this scenario, she is scaffolding self-control by modeling it first and then inviting the daughter to join in problem-solving
As the girl gets older, the mother can strip the scaffolding and simply prompt the child (“What can you do to make the big doggie go away?”) rather than providing the solutions
“Now, now. That was really scary wasn’t it? I know.
It will be OK now. Mommy’s got you. There, there.
Let’s tell that big doggie to go away. OK?
Go away big doggie!”
All the while hugging and soothing the child.
Validating & Labeling
Reassuring
Problem-Solving Suggestion
Joint Problem-Solving
Reassuring
DON’T BE TOO NEGATIVE
Excessive criticism, humiliating comments, or mocking your child are destructive to parent-child communication and to children’s self-esteem
Examples: The “helicopter mom” Labeling Making the child the butt of jokes for other adults for
USE “SCAFFOLDING” AND PRAISE
“Scaffolding” components: Give children just enough information to get
started, talking in a slow, calm manner Wait for the child to do something right and offer
specific praise for their action. Add just a little bit more instruction and repeat.
ADDITIONAL EMOTION COACHING STRATEGIES
ADDITIONAL STRATEGIES
Ignore your “parental agenda” Create a mental map of your child’s
daily life Avoid “siding with the enemy” Think about your child’s situation in
terms of similar adult situations Don’t try to impose your solutions on
your child’s problems Empower your child by giving
choices, respecting wishes
ADDITIONAL STRATEGIES (continued)
Share in your child’s dreams and fantasies
Be honest with your child Use books and stories to build your
child’s emotional vocabulary Be patient with the process Understand your base of power as a
parent Believe in the positive nature of
human development
WHEN NOT TO BE AN EMOTION COACH
WHEN NOT TO BE AN EMOTION COACH
When you’re pressed for time When you have an audience When you are too upset or too tired for
coaching to be productive When you need to address serious
misbehavior When your child is “faking” an emotion
to manipulate you
TESTING OUR SKILLS
SAMPLE EXERCISE
A child disappears in a large department store and the parents are very worried about the child. After a while, a clearly upset child is found by a store employee, who helps the child find the parent. Parent’s agenda:
“You stupid child! I am so mad at you, I am never taking new shopping again.”
Child’s feeling: Fear
Right response: “you must have been so scared. I was scared, too.
Come here and let me hold you for a while. Then let’s talk over what happened.”
EXERCISE #1
A child comes home from school and says, “ I’m never going back to school again! The teacher yelled at me in front of my friends!” Wrong response:
“What did you do to make a teacher yell at you?”
Parent’s agenda:
Child’s feeling:
Right response:
EXERCISE #2
In the bathtub, your child says, “I hate my brother. I wish he would be dead.” Wrong response:
“That’s a terrible thing to say. We don’t talk that way in his house. You don’t hate your brother. You love your brother. I never want to hear you say that again!”
Parent’s agenda?
Child’s feeling?
Right response?
EXERCISE #3
Your child’s friend is visiting. Your child says to the friend, “I don’t want to share this toy with you. You can’t play with it!” Wrong response:
“What bad middos! You are selfish child. You have to learn to share!”
Parent’s agenda?
Child’s feeling?
Right response?
SELECTED REFERENCES
Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting, by John Gottman and Joan DeClaire.
Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ, by Daniel Goleman
Parent Effectiveness Training, by Thomas Gordon