SELF, HEALTH & MINISTRYSELF, HEALTH & MINISTRY

How Understanding the Family How Understanding the Family

Can Help Us SwimCan Help Us Swim

Ontario MB. Pastor & Leaders RetreatOntario MB. Pastor & Leaders Retreat

February 21 – February 22February 21 – February 2220132013

Dr. Danny UnrauDr. Danny Unrau

WhatWhat’’s the Flow We Are In?s the Flow We Are In?

...we your people, the flock of your ...we your people, the flock of your pasture, will give thanks to you for pasture, will give thanks to you for ever; from generation to generation ever; from generation to generation we will recount your praise.we will recount your praise.

[Ps. 79:13 NRSV][Ps. 79:13 NRSV]

You shall not make for yourself an You shall not make for yourself an idol, whether in the form of idol, whether in the form of

anything that is in heaven above, anything that is in heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath, or or that is on the earth beneath, or

that is in the water under the that is in the water under the earth. You shall not bow down to earth. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; them or worship them;

for I the Lord your God am a for I the Lord your God am a jealous God, punishing children jealous God, punishing children for the iniquity of parents, to the for the iniquity of parents, to the

third and the fourth generation of third and the fourth generation of those who reject me, but showing those who reject me, but showing steadfast love to the thousandth steadfast love to the thousandth generation of those who love me generation of those who love me

and keep my commandments.and keep my commandments. [Ex. 20:4-6 NRSV][Ex. 20:4-6 NRSV]

Lord, you have been our Lord, you have been our dwelling-place in all generations. dwelling-place in all generations.

Before the mountains were Before the mountains were brought forth,brought forth,

or ever you had formed the earth or ever you had formed the earth and the world, from everlasting and the world, from everlasting

to everlasting you are God.to everlasting you are God.

You turn us back to dust, and say, You turn us back to dust, and say, ‘‘Turn back, you mortals.Turn back, you mortals.’’ For a For a thousand years in your sight are thousand years in your sight are like yesterday when it is past, or like yesterday when it is past, or

like a watch in the nightlike a watch in the night. .

[Ps. 90:1-4 NRSV][Ps. 90:1-4 NRSV]

““HomeostasisHomeostasis....the tendency of ....the tendency of any set of relationships to strive any set of relationships to strive perpetually, in self-corrective perpetually, in self-corrective

ways, to preserve the organizing ways, to preserve the organizing principles of its existence.principles of its existence.”” (23) (23)

In familiesIn families

Homeostasis Homeostasis meansmeans

BalanceBalance meansmeans

trying to keep everything the sametrying to keep everything the same

Where Are the Whirlpools?Where Are the Whirlpools?

““Secrets”Secrets”……act as plaque in the arteries of a act as plaque in the arteries of a families communication, causing families communication, causing

stoppage in the…flow of stoppage in the…flow of relationships. relationships. (52)(52)

Secrets in families divide … Secrets in families divide …

by creating unnecessary by creating unnecessary estrangements & false estrangements & false

companionships.companionships.

Secrets are usually kept “to spare” Secrets are usually kept “to spare” someone’s feelings; this is seldom someone’s feelings; this is seldom

really true. really true. (52-53)(52-53)

No secret is as dangerous in its No secret is as dangerous in its telling as it is in being kept. telling as it is in being kept.

Family secrets stink up the family Family secrets stink up the family system even if members don’t know system even if members don’t know

where the smell is coming from.where the smell is coming from.

““Triangles”Triangles”

““When any two parts of system When any two parts of system become uncomfortable with one become uncomfortable with one another, they will “triangle in” or another, they will “triangle in” or

focus upon a third person, focus upon a third person,

or issue….” or issue….” (35) (35) hoping to gain an hoping to gain an ally, or convince or even defeat the ally, or convince or even defeat the other person they are uncomfortable other person they are uncomfortable

with.with.

The efforts of the triangled person The efforts of the triangled person are generally ineffective and , more are generally ineffective and , more often than not, worsen the situation.often than not, worsen the situation.

The “third person in” can almost The “third person in” can almost never help the other two persons in never help the other two persons in

conflict, unless they maintain a well-conflict, unless they maintain a well-defined relationship to each of the defined relationship to each of the

others, and remain non-anxious and others, and remain non-anxious and present. present. (39)(39)

Branches To Grab on To!Branches To Grab on To!

BUT WHO DO YOU BUT WHO DO YOU SAY I AM? SAY I AM?

Jesus went on with his disciples Jesus went on with his disciples to the villages of Caesarea to the villages of Caesarea

Philippi; and on the way he Philippi; and on the way he asked his disciples, asked his disciples, ‘‘Who do Who do

people say that I am?people say that I am?’’ And they And they answered him, answered him, ‘‘John the John the

Baptist; and others, Elijah; and Baptist; and others, Elijah; and still others, one of the prophets.still others, one of the prophets.

He asked them, He asked them, ‘‘But who do you But who do you say that I am?say that I am?’’ Peter answered Peter answered him, him, ‘‘You are the Messiah.You are the Messiah.’’

[Mark 8:28-30 NRSV][Mark 8:28-30 NRSV]

AS FOR ME AS FOR ME & &

MY HOUSEMY HOUSE

14 14 ‘‘Now therefore revere the Now therefore revere the Lord, and serve him in sincerity Lord, and serve him in sincerity and in faithfulness; put away the and in faithfulness; put away the gods that your ancestors served gods that your ancestors served beyond the River and in Egypt, beyond the River and in Egypt,

and serve the Lord.and serve the Lord.

15Now if you are unwilling to serve 15Now if you are unwilling to serve the Lord, choose this day whom the Lord, choose this day whom you will serve, whether the gods you will serve, whether the gods

your ancestors served in the region; your ancestors served in the region;

beyond the River or the gods of beyond the River or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you the Amorites in whose land you are living; but as for me and my are living; but as for me and my

household, we will serve the household, we will serve the Lord.Lord.’’ [Joshua 24:14-15 NRSV][Joshua 24:14-15 NRSV]

““DifferentiationDifferentiation,,””

““means the capacity of a family means the capacity of a family member to define his or her own member to define his or her own lifelife’’s goals and values apart from s goals and values apart from

surrounding togetherness surrounding togetherness pressures, to say pressures, to say ““II”” when others when others are demanding are demanding ““youyou”” and and ““we.we.””

It includes the capacity to maintain a It includes the capacity to maintain a (relatively) (relatively) non-anxiousnon-anxious presence in presence in the midst of anxious systems, to take the midst of anxious systems, to take

maximum responsibility for onemaximum responsibility for one’’s own s own destiny and emotional being. destiny and emotional being.

It can be measured somewhat by It can be measured somewhat by the breadth of onethe breadth of one’’s repertoire of s repertoire of response when confronted with response when confronted with

crisis. The concept should not be crisis. The concept should not be confused with autonomy or confused with autonomy or

narcissism, however.narcissism, however.

DifferentiationDifferentiation means the capacity means the capacity to be an to be an ““II”” while remaining while remaining

connected.connected.”” (27) (27)

BE ANXIOUS BE ANXIOUS ABOUT ABOUT

NOTHINGNOTHING

6Do not worry (be anxious) 6Do not worry (be anxious) about anything, but in everything about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be thanksgiving let your requests be

made known to God. made known to God. [Phil. 4:6 NRSV][Phil. 4:6 NRSV]

Cast all your anxiety on him, Cast all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you. because he cares for you.

[1 Peter 5:7 NRSV][1 Peter 5:7 NRSV]

““Playfulness”Playfulness”

Seriousness too often is a way of Seriousness too often is a way of being embedded in constant, being embedded in constant,

chronic anxiety. The antidote to chronic anxiety. The antidote to seriousness is the capacity to be seriousness is the capacity to be

playful, which is not to be equated playful, which is not to be equated with making jokes. with making jokes. (50)(50)

To be playful is to not take oneself To be playful is to not take oneself too seriously. To not take oneself too too seriously. To not take oneself too

seriously allows one to be seriously allows one to be differentiated, more objective, less differentiated, more objective, less

anxious, and able to remain in anxious, and able to remain in touch.touch.

LEADERSHIPLEADERSHIP

Successful leadership,Successful leadership, ““...includes the capacity to ...includes the capacity to maintain a (relatively) maintain a (relatively) non-non-

anxiousanxious presence in the midst of presence in the midst of anxious systems, to take anxious systems, to take

maximum responsibility for maximum responsibility for oneone’’s own destiny and emotional s own destiny and emotional

being. (27)being. (27)

...successful leadership means not ...successful leadership means not only moving a family toward its only moving a family toward its

goals but also maximizing its goals but also maximizing its functioning, as well as the health functioning, as well as the health and survival of both the family and survival of both the family

and its leaders. First and and its leaders. First and foremost, the leader must stay in foremost, the leader must stay in

touch.. .(229)touch.. .(229)[present/connected][present/connected]

““Leadership...Leadership...”” Friedmann writes, Friedmann writes,

““is facilitated more fundamentally is facilitated more fundamentally

by how leaders function within their by how leaders function within their families than by the quantity of their families than by the quantity of their

expertiseexpertise..””

““What is vital...is not knowledge of What is vital...is not knowledge of technique or even of pathology, but, technique or even of pathology, but,

rather, the capacity of the family rather, the capacity of the family leader to define his or her own goals leader to define his or her own goals and values while trying to maintain a and values while trying to maintain a

non-anxious presence with the non-anxious presence with the system.system.”” (3) (3)

““If a leader will take primary If a leader will take primary responsibility for his or her own responsibility for his or her own position as position as ““headhead”” and work to and work to

define his or her own goals and self, define his or her own goals and self, while staying in touch with the rest while staying in touch with the rest

of the organism, there is more than a of the organism, there is more than a reasonable chance that the body will reasonable chance that the body will

follow…follow…

……There may be initial resistance There may be initial resistance but, if the leader can stay in touch but, if the leader can stay in touch

with the resisters, the body will with the resisters, the body will usually go along…usually go along…

we are talking here about the ability we are talking here about the ability of a leader to be a self while still of a leader to be a self while still

remaining a part of the system. It is remaining a part of the system. It is the most difficult thing in the world the most difficult thing in the world

in any family….in any family….”” (229) (229)

We are defined by our families, past We are defined by our families, past & present. When we know our & present. When we know our families, we know ourselves. families, we know ourselves. When we know one another’s When we know one another’s

families, we know one another. families, we know one another. Our families are with us Our families are with us

everywhere we go, everywhere we everywhere we go, everywhere we are. are.

Every family is weird, even yours. Every family is weird, even yours.

WORDS of Importance:WORDS of Importance:

HomeostasisHomeostasis DifferentiationDifferentiation

Triangles Triangles SecretsSecrets

Playful/irreverentPlayful/irreverent

LeadershipLeadership

In touch/present/connectedIn touch/present/connected

Self, Health & MinistrySelf, Health & Ministry