SOS Help For Parents

From Book “SOS Help for Parents”, by Lynn Clark, Ph.D.

Presented by Ken Epperson

Three Child Rearing Rules

• reward good behavior and do it quickly and often

• don't accidentally reward bad behavior• Correct some bad behavior but use mild

correction only

Four Child Rearing Errors to Avoid

• Parents fail to reward good behavior• parents accidentally correct good behavior• parents accidentally reward bad behavior• parents failed to correct bad behavior

when mild correction is indicated

Methods of Mild Correction

• Time out- 2yrs-12yrs, extremely effective• Scolding and Disapproval- all ages,

Moderately effective• Natural consequences-effective• Logical Consequences- effective,

examples?• Behavior Penalty, 5yrs-adolescence,

effective, examples

Giving effective commands to your child

• Move close to your child• Have a stern facial expression• Say his or her name• Get and maintain eye contact• Use a firm tone of voice• Give a direct, simple and clear command• Back up your command if necessary

Lets Practice

• You decide which rule is being used correctly or which error is being made.

Using Grandma's rules- parent examples

After you:

1. Complete your math homework

2. Straighten your room

3. Eat your vegetables

Then you get to:

1. Watch television

2. Play video games

3. Eat dessert

When you Praise you Child

• Be specific, name the behavior that you want to increase– I like how you “_____________”

Time Out

• Time out is a brief interruption of Activities for your child

• It is a time out from rewards, reinforcement, attention, and interesting activities for your child.

Goals of Time Out

• 1. Immediate goal is to bring a quick stop to the problem behavior.

• 2. Long-term goal is to help your child achieve self-discipline.

Behaviors that deserves Time-out

• Hitting• Temper Tantrums• Hostile teasing• Sassy/back-talk• Angry screaming• Toy grabbing• Destroying toys• Kicking others• Biting or threatening

• Hair pulling• Choking others• Spitting or threatening• Throwing dirt/rocks ect.• Obnoxious loud crying “intended” to punish

parents• Tattling• Dangerous acts

Behaviors that deserves Time-out continued

• Whining loudly• Threatening by word or gesture to hit/hurt others• Cursing/swearing• Mocking or trying to humiliate parents• Name calling or making faces at others

• Persistently interrupting adult conversation after a warning

• Loud complaining or demanding behavior, after a warning

• Disobeying a “command” to immediately stop a particular misbehavior

Behavior not to use Time Out for

• Pouting, sulking• Irritableness, bad moods, grumpiness• Failing or forgetting to do chores• Failing to pick up cloths and toys• Not doing homework• Overactive behavior

• Fearfulness• Being dependent, timid or passive• Wanting to be alone• Behaviors NOT observed by parent

Correct Ages for Time Out

• Two years up to Twelve years

• Do not begin with eleven or above if never used in past

Count how often the target behavior occurs

• Some parents put tally marks on wall calendar or fridge paper

• Sometimes if a child sees his/her parent recording tally marks the behavior decreases without even using T.O.

General Guide Lines

• Review Basic Steps for Initially Using Time out (See handout page one)

• Pick out one tougher and one easier behavior to begin with,

• First start with easier behavior for practice and then once more confident tackle tougher behavior

Pick out boring place

• Ages two to four should be a straight back chair, should keep very young children within continual eye sight.

• Should not be their room, couch, or around TV, games, stereo, books, pets

• Safe, well-lighted, and not frightening• Can easily get there within 10 seconds

Benefits of Large Chair

• Dull and boring• Quickly available• Not easily picked up• Don’t use rocking chair• Can be placed in room with you or

hallway, should be able to keep at least corner of eye on them, don’t stare though

Location

• Avoid placing within kicking or hitting range of the wall or near dangerous or valuable objects

• Corner of room is good, best not to attempt to make them face wall, you power struggle for little to no gain

Locations for 5-12 yrs. old

• Separate room for time out• Bathroom (avoids I have to go

issues)• Bedroom (NOT Theirs)/hallway• Make sure it is safe, prepare any

room/space beforehand.

Review common time-out mistakes

• Purchase timer• Get all care givers aboard• Prepare for guilt feelings/remember that

this does not hurt a child• Remember that our first goal is to get

children ready for life, and self-discipline is large part of it

• May get worse before better/may not

Steps before using Time Out

• Select target behavior• Introduce timeout when both you and your child

are calm• Two to four year olds may need a couple

explanations about it before hand/may use toy to demonstrate but no game play

• Tell child you love them and want to help them with a particular behavior problem

• Don’t be surprised if they act annoyed or indifferent when you explain Timeout

• Wait for target behavior to occur

Timeout only decreases behavior

• Be sure to use positive rewards and models to teach other replacement behaviors.

• Remember that Kids watch us more than we watch them so be positive model

• Don’t scold ect. While placing in time out• Review basic steps (page 1)

Rebelling against Time Out

• Make sure you are not making any of the Nine Common Timeout Mistakes (on handout)

• Most children do not rebel beyond the first couple of weeks if used correctly

• It is natural for your child to be clearly angry and upset when placed in time out

Rebelling ages two-four

• Delaying or refusing to go to time-out = Quickly carry all toddlers and preschoolers to the time out chair, even those who resist going. Most four year olds will eventually learn to walk to timeout on their own.

Rebelling cont. 2-4yrs

• Making noise in time out = • Plan A = ignore your child, turn away and

avoid eye contact while in timeout, noise making will usually decrease by itself if you consistently ignore it.

• Plan B = If your child is three or four years old, tell them that if they continue making noise, you’ll add minutes on the timer. If they are noisy when timer rings add one to two minutes

Rebelling cont. 2-4yrs

• Escaping from timeout chair =• Plan A = Retrieve your child and place

them back on the chair. Stand next to the chair and sternly command them to stay on the chair. Say, “Don’t you dare get off that chair!” If they continue trying to escape, consider the following alternative plans

Rebelling cont. 2-4yrs

• Plan B = Place your hand firmly on leg or shoulder and look away from them. Command them to stay on the chair. Say nothing else

• Plan C = sit in chair and hold them for the timeout, only do if you plan on winning this power struggle, avoid if possible. Start timer after they stop trying to get away.

Rebelling cont. 2-4yrs

• Not leaving timeout after the timer rings = ignore

• After leaving the timeout chair, child continues to cry or scream = ignore, if four years old then may place back in time out for one more time (four minutes) Do this only once.

Rebelling five-twelve yrs. old

• Delaying or refusing to go to time-out = Tell them that they must go immediately or will have to spend additional minutes in timeout. For each ten seconds they delay add one more minute on the timer. Silently count from one to ten in order to keep track of tend seconds. Then add as many as five additional minutes.

Rebelling five-twelve yrs. old• After you add five additional minutes on

the timer, warn them that they will receive a particular behavior penalty (a loss of certain privileges) if they do not go immediately to time out. Warn them only once, silently count to 10, calmly announce behavior penalty and walk off. Do not count out loud, become angry or argue. Simply walk off and follow through.

Rebelling five-twelve yrs. old

• Allow child to go to timeout to remove behavior penalty later in day.

• Making noise in time out = ignore your child, if child is noisy when timer rings, reset the timer for two more minutes. Do not engage, this is what child wants

Rebelling five-twelve yrs. old

• Escaping from the timeout room = For each ten seconds child is absent from time out room one more minute is added, up to a maximum of five minutes. If absent for more than two minutes they receive a behavior penalty. Do not get angry. Announce the behavior penalty and walk off. Don’t argue, follow through.

Rebelling five-twelve yrs. old

• Damaging or making mess of timeout room =

• Plan A = Be matter a fact and require child to clean up the mess before they may leave, don’t act shocked or scold.

• Plan B = help pay for damages by doing extra chores, may need to consider professional counselor

Rebelling five-twelve yrs. old

• After leaving time out, continues to scream, yell and cry. = immediately place child back into timeout for another full period of time-out.

• Doesn't want to leave TO room = tell time is up and they can leave when they want too. Then ignore, don’t get into power struggle.

POINTS TO REMEMBER

• Used correctly, the timeout method is effective and easy to use

• Used incorrectly, the timeout method is ineffective and difficult to use

• Be sure that you are not making any of the Nine common Timeout Mistakes.

• If child rebels against timeout, select a plan suited for their age.

Final Points

• Parents/Caregivers must agree about which behaviors are desirable and undesirable

• Communicate clearly with your child• Be able to give clear and effective commands• Your child needs your discipline as well as your

love. If something is preventing you from disciplining your child, determine what it is and work toward correcting it.

A Few Words About Anger

What is the quickest way to get a parent angry?

How hard is it to control our anger?

Can we think clearly when we are angry?

Steps to follow when you begin to feel Angry

• STOP

• Think

• Act

STOP

• Learn to recognize when you begin to feel angry

• Leave the situation• Distract yourself with some 60 second

Activity

Think• Say to yourself, “I am making myself angry

about this Situation”• Then ask yourself “What am I saying to

myself about my child’s misbehavior to make me hurtfully angry?”

• Then Say “I don’t have to get angry to handle this behavior problem”

• Decide which method you wish to use and imagine yourself using it without anger

ACT

• Briefly return to your child and the situation and implement the SOS method or plan you decided upon

Lastly

• When you implement this SOS method, don’t expect perfection of yourself or of your child. Say to yourself,

• “My child is not perfect, and I am not perfect, but who is”

•Thank you

Contact Information

• SOS Help for Parents = www.sosprograms.com

• Ken Epperson, MS, NCSP• Nationally Certified School Psychologist• Licensed Psychological Associate• Floyd County Schools• 285-3381