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Contents
TitlePageCopyrightIntroduction
1Possibilities2YourThoughtsandtheWayYouFeel3HealthyPsychologicalFunctioning4DismissingThoughts5Wisdom6ThoughtsGrowwithAttention7ThoughtSystems8ChoicePoints9TheThinkingHabit10Moods11LivinginthePresentMoment12LifeIsLikeaPendulum13MentalHealthandtheDynamicsofUnhappiness14GriefandLoss15IllnessandDeath16ManyProblems,OneSolution17UnhappinessIsYourCurriculum18TheArtofOptimism19HappinessandGratitude
FootnotesListofSearchableTermsAboutthePublisher
Introduction
Irespectfullyaskthatyoutrytoforgeteverythingyouhaveeverbeentoldaboutunhappiness,pessimismanddepression–wherethesefeelingscomefrom,howserioustheyare,andhowdifficulttheyaretoovercome.Trytoforgetaboutalltheattemptsyouhavemadethathavefailedandalltheapproachesthatpromisedresultsbutdidnotdeliver.EventhoughIamgoingtoexplainhowyoucanbegintofeelbettertoday,Idon’taskyoutobelievemewithblindfaith.Instead,Iaskthatyouuseyourowncommonsensewhenevaluatingwhatyouareabouttoread.BythetimeyoufinishthisbookIbelieveyouwillnotonlyfeelbetter,butalsounderstandexactlywhymostapproachesfailedyoubefore.
Thewaytogetthemostoutofthisbookistoapproachitwithanopenmind.Seewhetheritmakessensetoyouandifitsoundslikesomethingthatyoualreadyknowintuitively.SomeofwhatIproposewillbequitedifferentfromwhatyouhavebeenexposedtobefore.Don’tletthisbeanobstacletogettingthehelpyoudeserve.Keepinmindthatifwhatyouhavealreadylearnedwastheansweryouwerelookingfor,youwouldn’tbereadingthisbooktoday.Youwouldbeoutenjoyingyourlife.
Theinformationgivenhereisdifferentbecauseitrepresentsanewunderstandinginthefieldofmentalhealth.Itdoesn’tbuildonotherapproachesyoumayalreadybefamiliarwith.Ifyoucandigestand‘taketoheart’theinformationinthisbook,youwillfeelbetterrightaway.Thereisverylittleeffortinvolved;allyouhavetodoisunderstandwhatyoureadonanintuitivelevelandmakeagentleefforttoputyourunderstandingintopractice.Asyouwillsee,Idon’tofferanyfancytechniquesoranysophisticatedpsychologicaltheoriestosiftthrough.WhatIofferyouisasimpleyetprofoundcommonsense-basedunderstandingofmentalhealthandhappinessthatreallyworks,andthatcanbeimplementedimmediately.Ihaveseenpeoplewhohavebeenunhappyordepressedforasmanyas30yearswalkawayfrommyofficefeelingbetterthantheycaneverremember.Andwhat’smore,thegoodfeelingyouwilllearntotapintostickswithyou.
Iamastress-managementconsultantwhoteachespeoplesomeverysimplefactsabouttheirowninternalfunctioning–whatmakesthemtickandwhatmakesthemfallapart.TheprinciplesthatIteacharegeneric,meaningtheyapplytoeveryone.IreceivereferralsfromtherapistsaroundthecountrywhohaveseentheirclientsridthemselvesofdepressionasaresultofwhatIteach.Aspeoplelearnaboutthehabitualprocessesthatcontributetotheirownmisery,
Aspeoplelearnaboutthehabitualprocessesthatcontributetotheirownmisery,andthewaysthattheyusetheirownmindstosabotagetheirlives,theyquicklydiscoveranaturalandrelativelyeffortlesswaytoescapethegripsofunhappinessandlifelongpessimism.
MyapproachisbasedonasetofprinciplesknownasthePsychologyofMind.1Itisbeingusedbygrowingnumbersoftherapists,consultantsandeducators,withspectacularresults!Themethodsyouwilllearnhavebeenextrapolatedfromtheseprinciplesinawaythatisgearedtowardsfreeingyoufromunhappiness.
Manyprofessionalsnowteachingthisapproachhavecometobelievethatamajorityofthemore‘conventional’therapeuticapproachesavailabletodaytotreatunhappinesscanactuallymakemattersworseinsteadofbetter.Thisisnottosaythattherearen’texcellent,well-qualifiedtherapistspractisingtraditionaltherapy–theremostcertainlyare.Whatyoumaydiscover,however,isthatmanyofthepracticesthattherapistscurrentlyusetendtofuelanalreadydepressedstate.Clientsaredirectedto‘getintouch’withtheirmostnegativefeelingsandanalysetheirpastsinordertotranscendtheirpresentsituations.Theyareaskedtostudy,ifnotrelive,theirchildhoodaswellastheirmorerecentpastsothattheycanbetterunderstandthepsychologicaldamagethatwasinflictedonthem.
OneoftheconsistentproblemsIhaveseeninworkingwithclientswhohave‘givenup’ontraditionaltherapyisthateachtimeanewtraumaisuncovered,theclientisineffectstartingoveragain.Therearealwaysnewsessionsdesignedtogettothebottomofeachadditional‘issue’andtoexplorethenegativefeelingsthatgoalongwithrecountingthem.Eachspecificissueentailsmorenegativefeelingstoexplore.Manytherapistsinsistthatunlesspeopledealhead-onwiththeirnegativeexperiencesandunconsciousdrives,theywillbemiserableforever.Youmustkeepinmind,whendecidingwhethertraditionaltherapymakessensetoyou,thatthetherapistswhotellyouthisarealmostalwayspaidbythehour!
Indefenceoftherapists,Idon’tthinkI’veevermetonewhowouldintentionallykeepaclientlongerthantheyfeltwasabsolutelynecessary.Nevertheless,thereisacertainconflictofinteresttobeverycautiousof:ifyougetbetter,thetherapistlosesyouasaclient!Ifyouhavebeenintherapyforanextendedperiodoftimeandarestillunhappy,youmaywanttoreconsideryourtreatment.Ismoreofthesamereallygoingtohelp?Isgoingdeeperintoyourpainandsufferingreallygoingtohelpyouexperiencejoy?Isgettingintouch
withmorenegativityreallygoingtomakeyoufeellessnegative?Idoubtit.Historyshowsusthatthisrouteoftendoesn’twork.
Doesthismeanthattherapyisuseless?No.Iwouldsay,however,thatsuccessintherapydependsfarmoreonthementalhealthandhappinessofthetherapistthanitdoesonrelivingpasttraumasandpain.Askilledtherapistwhoisalsoahappy,vibrantpersonwillmostcertainlybeabletopassalongatleastsomeofherhappinessalmostregardlessofthespecificapproachsheuses.
OneofthemoststrikingobservationsthatmanypeoplemakewhenattendingaPsychologyofMindseminarorwhentheyhaveaprivatesessionwithaconsultant,isthatthepeoplewhoteachPsychologyofMindareveryhappypeoplethemselves.Ihavecometobelievethatunlessapersonishappyhimself,it’sverydifficult,ifnotimpossible,toteachsomeoneelsetobehappy.Howcananunhappyperson,whoiscaughtupinpersonalproblems,teachanalreadyunhappypersontofeeljoy?IfeelgratefultobeabletosaythatIam,indeed,ahappyperson,andIhopethefeelingIbringtolifewilltouchyouasyoureadthisbook.
WhoIsthisBookfor?CarlJungoncesaid,‘Thegreatestafflictionaffectingmankindisn’tseriousmentalillness–butthegeneraluneasinessandunhappinessthatissoprevalentinoursociety.’Jungbelieved,asIdo,thatmanypeopleexperiencelifeina‘lifeless’manner.Manyifnotmostpeoplehavelosttouchwiththemysteryandmagicthatsurroundsus.Thefirststeptowardslivingfullyissimplyfeelingbetter.
Thisbookwaswrittenforanyonewhowouldliketofeelbetterthantheypresentlydo–anyonewhofrequentlyexperiences‘theblues’,ongoingsadness,apessimisticoutlook,frequentunhappiness,internalmisery,alackofgratitudeaboutthegiftoflife–orsomeonewhosimplywishestofeelbetter.Itisanoutgrowthofanearlierbook,YouCanBeHappyNoMatterWhat(NewWorldLibrary,1992).IreceivedhundredsoflettersandphonecallsfromreaderswhoappreciatedtheprinciplesofhappinessthatIspokeabout,yetwantedtohearmorespecificallyabouthowtogetthemselvesoutofthe‘lowerstatesofmind’thatpessimisticpeoplefindthemselvesin.
Theapproachtohappinessoutlinedinthisbookcanhelpvirtuallyanyoneimprovetheirmentaloutlookandthequalityoftheirlife.Itshouldnot,however,beusedinlieuofprofessionaltreatmentifyousufferfromseriousdepression,
suicidalurgesorotherseriousmentalillness.Ifyouexperienceseriousdepression,pleaseseekprofessionalguidancebeforereadingthisbookandattemptingtoimplementthephilosophy.Yourdoctororcounsellormaywantyoutousetheideaspresentedhereinconjunctionwithyourtherapy.Icertainlyhopeso,butpleasecheckfirst.
ThisbookwaswrittentoaddressJung’sassessmentofthestateofhumankind,thegenerallevelofunhappinessthatsurroundsus.Iwillshowyouhowtoridyourselfofthenegativefeelingsthatcantakeoveryourlifeandreplacethemwiththefeelingsofgratitude,happinessandlove.
Iwillalsoshowyouhowtoaccessaplacewithinyourselfwhere‘feelinggood’alreadyexists,aswellashowtodetectthosementalprocessesthattakeyouawayfromthisplace.Ihavenevermetapersonwhodidn’tfeelbetterafterlearningthissimpleapproach.Onceyoulearnhowyoucreateunhappinessinyourlifewithyourownthinking–andonceyoulearnhowtostopthispattern–youwillcertainlybefarmorehesitanttocontinueorreturntoanydestructivepsychologicaltendenciesyoumayhave.
Approachtheideasherewithanopenmindandacuriousheart.Don’tdiscountanythingasbeingtoosimplisticuntilyouhavehadanhonestchancetopractisewhatyoulearnandassesshowyoufeel.Ifyoureadwithyourowncommonsenseasyourguide–rememberingthatyourgoalistobehappier–Ibelieveyouwillbepleasantlysurprisedathowgoodyoucanfeel.Itreallyistrue:youcanfeelgoodagain.
One/Possibilities
JimandYvonnehadbeenmarriedfor32mostlyunhappyyearswhentheydiscoveredthatJimhadacancerouslife-threateningtumour.Priortodiscoveringthisinformation,thecouplehadlivedtogetherinanalmostconstantstateofirritation.Therewasfrequentconflictandanger,ongoingdisputesanddisagreementonvirtuallyeveryissuesurroundingtheirlivestogether.Theirloveforeachotherhadbeen,inJim’swords,‘lostmanyyearsago’.
Acuriousthinghappenedthemomenttheyfoundoutaboutthetumour.BothJimandYvonneexperiencedasuddenshiftintheirconsciousness.Theangerthathadsuffocatedtheirloveforsomanyyearsdisappeared,theirdisagreementsfadedawayandnowseemedinsignificant,andtheirloveforoneanotherresurfaced,almostmagically,asthoughithadneverlefttobeginwith.
Whathappened?Thiscoupleexperiencedwhatiscommonlyreferredtoas‘achangeofheart’.Nooneknowsexactlyhoworwhenthiskindofsuddenshiftorchangewilloccur,butwedoknowthattheyexistandthattheyarepossible.
Asuddenshiftinconsciousnesscanoccurinanyareaofhumanlifethathastodowithhowwefeel,whetheritberelationships,feelinganxious,feelingdown,oranyotherimmobilizingemotion.Consideraneight-year-oldchildwhogoestobedeverynightfrightenedbythethoughtofanimaginedmonsterbehindthewardrobedoor.Suddenly,oneday,outofnowhere,sherealizesthatthemonsterisn’treal,thatitexistsonlyinherownmind.Interestingquestionsinclude:Whydidthechildhavethisrealizationonthisparticularday?Whatwasitthatmadeherrealizethemonsterwasn’treal?Theanswerstothesequestionsaresurprisinglyvague.Wedon’tknowforsure,excepttosaythatanewlevelofunderstandingsurfacedwithintheconsciousnessofthechild.
Anotherexampleofasuddenshiftisthepersonwhoswearsthatheisgoingtostopsmoking.Weekafterweek,yearafteryear,hepromiseshe’sgoingtodoit.You,asafriend,haveheardthesamestorymanytimes.Then,oneday,fornoapparentreason,yourfriendtellsyoutheverysamething,onlythistimeyouknowthathemeansit.Somethingisdifferent.Somethinghaschanged.Youcan’tquiteputyourfingeronit,butyouknowhewillneversmokeagain.Andindeed,heneverdoes.
Whiletheparticularsofeachsuddenshiftareunique,therearecommondenominatorsthatseemtoexistinallcases.First,the‘shift’itselfdoesn’tnecessarilybuildonwhatwealreadyknow,butinsteadisseensuddenly,asif
outofnowhere.Inotherwords,theamountofinformationwehaveonthesubjectisn’tthecriticalfactor.Forexample,Iwasworkingwithaclient,George,whohadspenthisentirelifefeelingprejudiceaboutpeopleofaspecificrace.Hehadasuddenshiftinhisperspectiveandrealized(inhiswords),‘WhatafoolIhavebeen.’Whatmadethisparticularexamplesointriguingtomewasthatthetwoofushadneverspokenabouthisprejudice.Ineverevenknewhehadthisproblem.Hisrealizationcameaboutashewasdiscussinghowhisownthinkingsometimesgotinthewayofhisrelationshipwithhiswife.Theshiftthatoccurredinhisconsciousnesswasachievedwithoutobtainingadditionalinformationabout‘theproblem’.Hehadintellectuallyknownforyearsthatallprejudicestemsfromignorance,yethestillfeltprejudice,untilthatmoment.Somethingshiftedwithinhimwhilehewasthinkingaboutsomethingelse.
Ihadasuddenshiftofmyownthatisequallydifficulttoexplain.Ihadspentmyentirelifefrightenedtodeathofpublicspeaking.Theverythoughtofspeakingtoagroupmademesweat,andintwoinstancesIactuallyfainted!Then,onedaywhileeatinglunchwithsomefriendsataconferenceIwasattending,Irealizedtherewasnothingtofear.Ican’texplainexactlywhyorhowIhadthisinsight,onlythatithappened.Tothisday,Iamverycomfortablespeakingtogroupsofanysizeanddosoquitefrequently.
Second,suddenshiftsareaccompaniedbyafeelingofinspiration,sometimesdescribedas‘alightfeeling’,or‘anicefeeling’.YvonneandJimeachdescribedtheirsuddenshiftasa‘feelingofincrediblerelief’,asthoughahugeemotionalburdenhadbeenlifted.Manyclientshavereportedtomesimilarfeelingsofbeing‘uplifted’insomepowerfulwayastheyexperiencedaninsightthatchangedthewaytheylookedatlife.Thisfeelingisoftendescribedasasenseofself-confidence.Later,Iwilldiscussthisinacontextofyourhealthypsychologicalfunctioning.
Finally,suddenshiftsarepermanentinnature.Whenashiftoccurs,theredoesn’tseemtobeanyturningback,atleastnotalltheway.Forexample,it’shardformetoimaginebeingfrightenedbytheactofspeakingtoagroup.Ican,however,haveempathyforthosewhodo,becauseIrememberwhatitfeelslike.TheideaofYvonneandJimhatingeachother,astheydidforsolong,seemsridiculous.AndmyclientGeorgechucklesatthethoughtofdislikingsomeonebecauseofthecolourofhisskin.Thisisthenatureofinsight–ithappens,andfromthatmomentforwardlifelooksdifferent.
Aninterestingandimportantpointaboutsuddenshiftsisthis:thereisnorelationshipbetweenthe‘feelingbetter’aspectofsuddenshiftsandtheexternal
appearanceoflifegettingbetter.So,forexample,apersonwhoexperiencesasuddenshiftinthewayshefeelsaboutherfinancesdidn’tdosobecauseshehadjustinheritedalargeestateorwonthefootballpools.Sheexperiencedtheshiftbecauseshelookedatthesamesetoffactsinanewway.Whateveritwasthatshesaw,itaffectedherenoughthatmoneywillnolongerbeasourceofinnerconflictinherlife.
CertainlyYvonneandJimwerenobetteroff.Tothecontrary,Jimwasgivenaterminaldiagnosis.YetbothheandYvonnefeltmoreloveforeachotherthaneverbefore.
Likewise,thechildwhohadtherealizationabouttheimaginedmonsterinherwardrobewasn’tanybetteroff.Themonsterwasnevertheretobeginwith!Thisisthenatureofsuddenshifts.Theyoccurthroughashiftinunderstanding–notthroughachangeincircumstance.
Thisisabookaboutpossibilities.Beopentothepossibilitythatthisbookwillhelpyouhaveyourownsuddenshift.Ifyoudo,yourexperienceoflifewillchangebeforeyoureyes.Youwillfeelbetter,morejoyful,morerelaxed,andmoresecure.Absolutelynothingneedstochangeinyourlifeinorderforyoutofeelbetter.Yousimplyneedtoseesomethingaboutthenatureofyourownthinkingthatyoudidn’tseebefore.Yoursuddenshiftcanhappeninstantlyanditcanbeprofound.
CommitmentAsyouwillseethroughoutthisbook,happinessisamoment-to-momentchoicethateachofusmakes.Inordertobehappy,youmustfirstdecidetobehappy.Youmustmakeacommitmenttohappiness.
It’simportanttoknowthatcommitmenttolearningtheartofhappinessisnotexactlywhatitseemstobeatfirstglance.Mostpeoplemakethemistakeofconfusingcommitmenttohappinesswiththedecisiontomaketheirlifebetterinsomeway.Althoughthesetwoideasseemrelated,theyarenotnecessarilyso.Asyouhaveprobablynoticed,youcanchangeeverythinginyourlifewithoutaffectingyourlevelofhappinessonesinglebit.Youcanearnmoremoney,getyourselfoutoftrouble,meetnewfriends,getanewjob,solveaproblem,getadegree,getmarried,oracquiresomethingyouhavealwayswanted,yetstillfeelunsatisfied.Thereasonforthisisthathappinessexistsindependentlyofyourcircumstances;it’safeelingthatyoucanlearntolivein.
Thewaytogetthemostoutofthisbookistoapproachitwiththe
understandingthatit’spossibletolearntobehappywithoutchanginganythinginyourlife–exceptyourrelationshiptoyourownthinking.TheAmericanphilosopherEmersononcesaid,‘Theancestortoeveryactionisathought.’Everythinginyourlifeisafunctionofthewayyourelatetoyourthinking.Asyouthink,soshallyoube.
Commitmentisapowerfultoolforchange.Ittakespressureoffyoubyremovingtheuncertaintythatoftenaccompaniesalackofcommitment.Marriage,forexample,isacommitment.Whenacouplegetsmarriedthereisareasonablebeliefthat,regardlessofwhatmighthappen,thecommitmentwillcarrythecouplethrough.Priortomarriage,peopleoftenfeelinsecureaboutlosingtheirpartner.Thecommitmentrelievestheiranxietyandgivesthemthefreedomto‘letgo’oftheirconcerns;itfostershope.
Withoutcommitment,successinanyventureisdifficult.Whetheryouaredieting,studyingforanexam,learningtoplaytennis,startingaprojectordecidingtobehappy,commitmentisanimportantstep.
Whenyoumakeacommitmenttohappinessyouareineffectsaying:‘ThereissomuchinlifethatIcan’tcontrol–theworld,otherpeopleandtheirchoicesandreactions,accidents,imperfections,suffering,hardships.Yetthisismylifeandregardlessofwhathappens,I’mgoingtobehappy.’
Wheneveryouattachconditionstoyourhappinessyouwon’texperienceit.Thesamementalprocessthatattachesyourhappinesstoaspecificoutcomewillonlyrepeatthatpatternoncethatoutcomeisobtained.Apersonwhobelievesthat‘havingchildren’willmakeherhappywillthencreatenewconditionstobemetoncethechildrenarrive.Shemaythenbelievethatshewillbehappywhentheinfantstageisover,ortheterribletwo’s,orwhenshehasenoughmoneytomeethergrowingfamily’sneeds.Yourcommitmenttohappinessitselfallowsyoutoletgoofallyourpreconditions.Insteadofhavingconditions,yousaytoyourself:‘Nomatterhowdifficultitseems,I’mgoingtopractisethementalprocessesthatwillleadmetohappiness.’
Beinghappyisn’talwayseasy.Infact,itcanbeoneofthegreatchallengesinlife.Truematuritymeanstakingresponsibilityforourownhappiness–rightnow.Itmeanschoosingtoconcentrateonwhatwehaveinsteadofwhatwelack.
Commitmentisthefirststepinallowingyoutoregainthepositivefeelingsthatyouarelookingfor.Mostofusbelievethatbysolvingourproblems,orimprovingourrelationships,wewillfindcontentment,butthismeansthatourhappinessmustbepostponeduntilsomefuturedatewhenthoseconditionsaremet.Commitmentisasteptowardsbringingthatfuturetothepresent.
Happinessistheresultofadecisiontobehappy.Youmaybelievethatyouwillonedayarriveataplacecalledhappiness,thatonedayeverythingwillfallintoplaceandyouwillbeabletosay:‘Great,hereIam.I’vemadeittohappinessland.’Obviously,thisisn’tgoingtohappen.Regardlessofhowgoodyourlifegetsandhowmanyofyourdreamscometrue,youwillstillhavetomakethedecisiontobehappy.Youwillstillhavetomakethecommitment.Thereisnowaytohappiness.Happinessistheway!
Theinformationinthisbookwillactasanavigationaltoolthatwillguideyoutowardshappiness.Rememberthatyourgoalistobehappy.Makethecommitmentandusethetoolsinthisbooktotakeyouthere.Solet’sgetstarted!
Two/YourThoughtsandtheWayYouFeel
Weareallconstantlythinking–andit’sagoodthingthatwedo!Withouttheabilitytothink,ourliveswouldseemtohavelittlesignificance.It’simportanttorealizethatyouareconstantlythinking.Don’tbefooledintobelievingthatyouarealreadyawareofthisfact,becauseyouprobablyarenot.Think,foramoment,aboutyourbreathing.UntilthemomentIbroughtittoyourattention,youhadmostcertainlylostsightofthefactthatyouweredoingit.Breathingissonaturalandautomaticthatunlessyouareoutofbreathyousimplyforgetthatyou’redoingit.
Thinkingworksthesameway.Becauseyou’realwaysdoingit,it’seasytoforgetthatit’shappening,anditbecomesinvisibletoyou.Unlikebreathing,however,forgettingthatyouarethinking,evenforamoment,cancausesomeseriousproblemsinyourlife,includingunhappiness,evendepression.Thereasonisthatyourthinkingwillalwayscomebacktoyouasafeeling.Letmeexplain:thewayyoufeelrightnowistheresultofyourthoughtsatthisverymoment.Inabroadersense,thewayyoufeelisalwaysdeterminedbythethoughtsyouarethinking.Supposeyouhavethethoughtasyouarereadingthismaterial.‘Thisisfartoosimplistic–myproblemsarefarmoreseriousthanDrCarlsoncouldpossiblyimagine.’Theresultofthisthoughtwouldbethatyouwouldbefeelingscepticalandpessimisticrightnow.Thisisnotacoincidence.Beforeyouhadthesethoughts,youweren’tfeelingpessimistic.Yourthoughtscreatedyourscepticalfeeling,thewordsIhavewrittendidnot.Ifthewordsthemselvescreatedfeelings,theneveryonewhoreadthemwouldfeelthesameway,whichofcoursetheydon’t.Therelationshipbetweenyourthinkingandhowyouarefeelingisformedsofast(inatinyfractionofasecond)thatalmostnoonerealizesit’soccurring.Yetthiscause-and-effectrelationshipbetweenthoughtsandfeelingsisoneofthemostpowerfulphenomenayouwilleverexperienceasahumanbeing.
Nowsupposethatasyouwerereadingthemorningpaper,youcameacrossanarticleaboutalittlegirlwhowasrescuedfromaburningbuilding.Asyoureadthestoryyouhadthethought,‘Whatarelief.’Assoonasyouhadthisinspiringthoughtyoufeltanupliftingofyourspirits.Again,youremotionwascreatedbyyourthoughtsabouttheevent–nottheeventitself.Ifyouhadthoughtdifferently,youwouldhavefeltdifferently.Forexample,ifyouhadthethought,‘It’sabouttimetheyincludedahappystory.Thepapersarealways
filledwithbadnews,’youwouldn’thavefeltupliftedbutpessimistic.Thefeelingsthataccompanythethoughtsyouarehavinghappeninaninstant.Thispsychologicaldynamicistrueallthetime–therearenoexceptions.Wheneveryouhaveathought,andbelievethatthoughttobetrue,youwillfeelacorrespondingemotionalresponsetothatthought.Yourthoughtsalwayscreateyouremotions.Understandingthesignificanceofthisfactisthefirststepinescapingfromunhappinessanddepression.
Negativeandpessimisticthoughts,regardlessoftheirspecificcontent,aretherootcauseofallofyournegativeandself-defeatingemotions.Infact,it’sneurologicallyimpossibleforyoutofeelanythingwithoutfirsthavingathought–yousimplywouldn’thaveareferencepoint.Tryfeelingguiltywithoutfirstthinkingguiltythoughts.Tryfeelingangrywithoutthinkingaboutsomethingthatmakesyouangry.Youcan’tdoit.Inordertoexperienceanevent,youmustprocessthateventinyourmindtherebyinterpretingitandgivingitmeaningandsignificance.Thisunderstandinghasenormousimplications.Itsuggeststhatifyoufeelunhappy,it’snotyourlife,yourcircumstances,yourgenes,oryourtruenaturethatiscreatingyourunhappiness–it’syourthinking.Unhappinessdoesn’t,andcan’t,existonitsown.Unhappinessisthefeelingthataccompaniesyournegativethinkingaboutyourlife.Intheabsenceofthatthinking,theunhappinesscan’texist.Thereisnothingtoholdyournegativefeelingsinplaceotherthanyourthinking.
Iamnotsayingthatthereareneverphysiologicalcomponentsthatcompoundanunhappyordepressedstate,orthatmakeapersonpredisposedtounhappinessordepression.Iamsaying,however,thatwithoutthoughtthereisnofueltothrowonthefire,thereisnothingtofosterthepredispositionorphysiologicalcomponentsintoareality.
It’sinterestingtonotethattherehavealwaysbeenpeoplewhowouldseemtohaveeveryreasontobedepressed–circumstancesthatdepresssomeofusjusthearingaboutthem:helplesspoverty,unbelievablehardships,crueltreatmentbyothers.Butsomepeoplesimplydon’texperienceunhappinessregardlessofhowserioustheircircumstancesappeartobe.Theymakethebestoutofthesituationtheyarein.Thereareotherpeoplewhoapparentlyhaveeveryreasontofeelhappinessandcontentment,peoplewhoareoftentormentedbydepression.Ratherthanappreciatingwhattheyhave,theyfocusonwhattheywouldratherhave.
ThinkingTurnsEventsintoProblemsLet’ssupposethattwoofyourfriendsaregettingdivorced.Youhadalwaysassumedthatifanyonecouldmakeit,thiscouplecould.OnWednesday,thecouplestarteddivorceproceedings,andaweeklateryourfriendcalledyoutotellyouthenews.‘Ohno,’yousayandinstantlybegintofeelbad.Interesting,isn’tit?Theeventhasalreadytakenplace,it’slongover.Butnow,asyouthinkabouttheevent,youstarttofeelbad.Clearlytheeventitselfdidn’tmakeyoufeelbad.Ithappenedsevendaysagoandyoudidn’tevenknowaboutit.Yourthoughtsabouttheeventaretheguiltyparty,responsibleforthewayyoufeel.Theeventwascertainly‘real’butitmeantnothingtoyou–itwasneutral–untilyouwereabletobringittolifethroughyourthinking.Interestinglyenough,hadyourthinkinginterpretedthedivorcedifferently,youwouldhavefeltdifferently.Youmayjustaseasilyhavethoughttoyourself,‘Ohwell,Isupposeonlytheycanknowwhatisbestforthem.’Thisthoughtmayhaveleftyouwithafeelingofcompassionandunderstanding.
Thinkofamoremundaneexample–snow.Forsomepeoplesnowmeanssnowballs,sledges,skiing,andsnowmen.Forthesepeople,snowiscauseforgreatcelebration!Forothers,however,snowmeansdeadbatteries,aslushymess,coldweather,andsoon.Inshort,thesnowiscauseforalotofcomplaining.Takenote,however,thatthesnowitselfdoesn’tcarehowyouthinkaboutit.Thesnowisneutral.Itjustexistsandgoesonbeingsnow.Itdoesn’tcausethepositiveorthenegativereactionsandfeelingsyoumayhave.Onlyyourthinkingcandothatforyou.Ihopethisillustrateshowyouuseyourthinkingtocreateemotionalresponseswhichgiveyouanexperienceoflife.Yourthinking,nottheeventsthemselves,causeyouremotionalresponses.
YourThoughtsAren’tRealIfyoucouldunderstandthatyourthoughtsaren’trealyoucouldstopreadingrightnow,becauseyouwouldfeelatremendoussenseofreliefandyouwouldhaverealizedhowtocreatehappinessinyourlife–forever.Andeventhoughitisgoingtotakesomeexplanationonmypart,thestatementistrue.Thinkaboutit:yourthoughtsaren’treal.Theyarerealthoughts,butthey’renotthesamethingasconcrete‘reality’.
Whenyouthink,youareusingyourimaginationtocreateanimageorpictureinyourmindofaneventratherthantherealthing.Ifyouaredrivinghomefromafootballmatch,reviewingthegameinyourmind,youaremerely
imaginingwhatthegamewaslike.Thegameisnolongerreal,it’snowonlyinyourmind,inyourmemory.Itwasrealonce,butnotanylonger.Similarly,ifyouarethinkingabouthowbadyourmarriageis,youareconsideringitinyourmind.It’sallinyourimagination.Youareliterally‘makingup’yourrelationship.Thethoughtsyouarehavingaboutyourrelationshiparejustthoughts.Thisiswhytheoldsaying,‘Thingsaren’tasbadastheyseem’isalmostalwaystrue.Thereasonthings‘seemsobad’isbecauseyourmindisabletorecreatepastevents,andpreviewupcomingevents,almostasthoughtheywerehappeningrightinfrontofyou,atthatmoment–eventhoughthey’renot.Tomakemattersworse,yourmindcanaddadditionaldramatoanyevent,therebymakingthateventseemevenworsethanitreallyis,orwas,orwillbe.Evenmoreimportant,yourmindcanreviewtheimaginedeventdozensoftimesinamatterofseconds!Thisisveryimportanttounderstand,becausewhileanactualeventsuchasanargumentwithafriendcanlastaminuteortwo,yourmindcanrecreatethatveryevent,magnifyit,andmakeitlastthreehours–oranentirelifetime.Butthatargumentisnomorerealnowthananargumentyouhadwithyourfathertenyearsago.Thepointisthatnow,whenyourlifeisreallyhappening,thatrememberedargumentisjustathought,aneventbeingcreatedwithinyourownmind.
Ifyoucanbegintoseethatyourthoughtsarenottherealthing–they’rejustthoughts,andasthoughtstheycan’thurtyou–yourentirelifewillbegintochangetoday.Ihavewitnessedmanytimesthisverysamerealizationtransformsomeonefromalifeoffearanddepressionintoalifeofhappiness.
Whatwouldyousaytoanine-year-oldchildwhowasconvincedthatanastywitchwasbehindherdoor?Wouldyouhavehercometoyourhomeweeklytodescribethewitchtoyouingreatdetail?Wouldyouhaveherthinkaboutitconstantly?No,youwouldprobablytellherthatthewitchwasn’treal,thatitwasonlyanimaginedwitch.Withyourhelp,eventuallythechildwillunderstandthatthewitchwasonlyrealinhermind.Oncethishappens,shewillnolongerbefrightened.
Takingthissameunderstandingonestepfurther,whatwouldyousaytothesamechildifshesaidtoyou,‘Mylifeisafailure,noonelikesme,Ineverhaveanyfun,Idon‘twanttolive’?Wouldn’tyoualsotrytoteachherthatthethoughtsshewashavingaboutherselfwerejustthoughts?Ihopeso.Thereisnothingholdingthoseideasinplaceotherthanherownthinking,herowninternaldialogue.Ifthenine-year-oldwereabletoseewhatyouweretryingtoteachher,ifshewereabletoestablishadifferenttypeofrelationshipwithherthinking,wouldn’tshebebetteroffthanifshebelievedthatherthoughtswere
thinking,wouldn’tshebebetteroffthanifshebelievedthatherthoughtswerereal?Shecertainlywouldbe.Wouldn’titbeniceifshecouldrelatetoallofherthoughtsinthesameway?
UnderstandingthatYouAretheThinkerYouarethethinkerofyourownthoughts.Soundsobviousenough,butreadonandIbelieveyouwilldiscoverthat,untilnow,youmayhavelostsightofthisimportantfact.
Thinkingissomethingthatyouaredoing,momentbymoment,tocreateyourexperienceoflife.Butbecauseyourownthinkingissoclosetoyou,it’seasytoforgetthatyouaretheoneusingyourownthoughtsagainstyourself.Hereisanexample.Agentlemancameintomystress-managementofficeandsaid,‘I’mmadatmyboss.Idon’tlikemyjob.Idon’tlikethepeoplethatworkwithme.Nooneappreciatesmywork.I’mreallyangry.’WhenIbeganteachinghimabouthowhisownthinkingcreateshisangryfeelingshesaid,‘Withallduerespect,DrCarlson,I’mangryalmostallthetime,butIalmostneverthinkangrythoughts.’Doyouseewherehewasbeingfooled?Untilthatmoment,hebelievedthat‘thinking’meantthesamethingas‘pondering’.Eventhoughhemaynothavedwelledonhismiseryforhoursatatime,hewasneverthelesscontinuallythinkingnegatively,amomenthereandamomentthere.Hespentnearlyallofhistimethinkingaboutthelittlethingsthatirritatedandannoyedhim.Itwasalmostasiftheunstatedgoalofhislifewastoanalyseitandtogivehisopinionsonhowvariousthingsaffectedhim.Hisnegativethoughtswerecreatinghisnegativefeelingsandemotionsandhedidn’tevenknowhewasthinkingthem.Hewasavictimofhisownthinking.
Becausemyclientdidn’tevenrealizethathewasthinking,hehadnowayofknowingthathisfeelingswerecomingfromhisthinking.Hethoughthisfeelingscamefromhisjobandfromthepeopleheworkedwith.Untilwespoke,myclienthadneverrealizedthathewasthethinkerofhisownthoughts–andthatthosethoughtswerethesourceofhisunhappiness.Hebelievedthathisthoughtswerebeinggeneratedbywhatwasgoingonaroundhim,ratherthanfromwithinhim.Hedidn’trealizeatadeepenoughlevelthatheistheauthor,theproducer,andthecreatorofhisownthinking,thathisthinkingissomethingheisdoingalldaylong,andthathisdoingitisthecauseofmostofhisemotionalsuffering.OnceherealizedthishehadaveryinspiringinsightthatIhavesinceusedoverandoveragainwithclients:Beingupsetbyyourownthoughtsissimilartowritingyourselfanastyletter–andthenbeingoffendedby
thatletter!Thisinsightcamefromamanwhohadspentmostofhislifedepressed.
Youarethemanufacturerofyourownthoughts.Youaretheonedoingthethinkingthatisupsettingyou;youaredoingittoyourself.Onceyouunderstandthisimportantpoint,it’ssillytogoonbeingangered,annoyed,frightened,ordepressedbyyourownthinking.Ifyouarethinkingnegative,pessimistic,sceptical,orangrythoughtsandnotrealizingit,it’sunderstandableandpredictablethatyouwillbedepressed.Andthiswillhappeneachtimeyoulosesightofthefactthatyouarethinkingdepressingthoughts.
Thereisonlyonewayoutofthisnegativeloop,andthatistounderstandthatyouaretheonedoingthethinkingandthatitisyourownthinkingthatiscreatingyourpain.Onceyoustarttoseethatyourthoughtsarejustthoughts,thattheyarenot‘reality’,youwillbeabletodismissthemandnotallowthemtodepressyou.Anythoughtorseriesofthoughtscanbedismissed,buttodosoeffectivelyyoumustfirstrealizethatyouaretheonecreatingthem.Allofuswillaccumulatethousandsofthoughtsaboutourselvesthroughoutourlifetimes.Veryfewofus,however,rememberthefactthatthesethoughts,regardlessoftheircontent,arejustthoughts.
JustLikeaDreamOneoftheeasiestwaystounderstandtheharmlessnatureofyourownthinking,andtocreatesomedistancebetweenyourselfandyourthinking,istocomparethinkingwithdreaming.Almosteveryonehashadtheunfortunateexperienceofanightmare.Whileit’shappeningitseemsveryreal,butwhenyouwakeup,yourealizethatitwasjustadream.Andwhatisdreamingbutthinkingwhileyouareasleep.That’sit!Whileyouareasleepyouarestillproducingthoughts.Likedaytimethoughts,thesenight-timethoughtsalsocreateanemotionalresponse,andtheycanalsobefrightening.Justafewnightsago,oneofmychildrenwokeupinthemiddleofthenightfromabaddream.Itseemedsorealtoherthatshewasactuallysweatingfromtheexperience.Onceshewokeup,however,shefeltverydifferent.Eventhoughsheisonlythreeyearsold,sherealizedthatherdreamwasn’treal,thatitwasjustherthinking.
Yourwakefulthinkingcanbelookedatwiththesameperspectiveandclarity.Itseemsreal,butit’sstilljustthought.Andeachtimeyouforgetthatit’sjustthought,itwillseemeverybitasrealasanightmare.Youcanfrightenordepressyourselfwithyourownthinkinginamatterofsecondsifyoudon’trealizethatyouaredoingit.Youcanbesittinginyourliving-roomrelaxingand
realizethatyouaredoingit.Youcanbesittinginyourliving-roomrelaxingandreadingabookwhenathoughtcrossesyourmind:‘I’vebeendepressedforsolong,’or‘Mymarriageisnogood.’Canyouseehowseductiveandtrickyitcanbe?IfyouunderstandthoughtinthewaythatIhavebeendiscussing,youcandismissthosethoughtsandotherslikethem–youcanletthemgo.Or,ifyouchoose,youcanfollowthethoughts,remainingawareofwhatyouaredoingtoyourself.Aslongasyouknowthatyouareincharge,thatyouaretheonedoingthethinking,youareprotected.Again,it’snodifferentthandreaming.
Apersonnotsufferingfromdepressionwillhavethoughtsjustlikeyours,butwithonemajordifference.Whenhehasthem,hewillsaytohimself,‘HereIgoagain,’orsomethingtothateffect.Soonerorlater,he’llrememberthatheisthethought-producingmachine–thatheisdoingittohimself.Assoonashehasthisrealization,hismindwillslowdownandbegintoclearandhewillsighwithrelief.Hewillbegintofeelbetterandwillgoonwithhisday.
Anunhappyordepressedperson,ontheotherhand,notseeingherthoughtswithproperperspective,mayfollowthetrainofthought,believeittobereal,andsubmitherselftoongoingpain.Evenifshedoesn’tfollowthisparticulartrainofthought,shewilleventuallyfollowsomenegativethoughtpatternwhichwilllowerherspirits.Withouttheunderstandingofhowherthinkingiscreatinghernegativeexperience,thereislittleshecandotopreventhernegativethoughtsfromspirallingdownwardtowardsdepression.Afterall,shebelievesthatherthoughtsarereal.
Thesolutionistoseeyourownthoughtsasthoughts,notasreality.Createsomedistancefromthem.Justlikeyourdreams,yourthoughtsarecomingfromwithinyourownconsciousness.Yourthoughtsarenotreal,andtheycan’tharmyou,justasyournightmaresareharmless.Asyoucreatesomedistanceandperspectivefromyourthinkingyouwillbefreedfromtheireffects.
Certainly,everyonehashisshareofnegativeandself-defeatingthoughts.Thequestiontoaskyourselfis,‘HowseriouslydoIreallyhavetotakethem?’Yourthoughtshavenopowerotherthanwhatyougivethem.
MorethanPositiveThinkingEventhoughpositivethinkingisobviouslypreferredtonegativethinking,positivethinkingaloneisn’tenoughtopullyououtofadepressedstateforverylong.‘Positivethinkers’arejustasmuchatthemercyoftheirownthoughtsasnegativethinkers–thatis,iftheybelievethatthinkingissomethingthatishappeningtothemratherthansomethingthattheyaredoing.Thisisasubtlebutkeypoint.
keypoint.Positivethoughtsarestilljustthoughts.Granted,theyarenicerthoughtsto
have–buttheyarestilljustthoughts.Ifyoubelievethatyouhavetothinkpositivelyallthetime,what’sgoingtohappenwhenanegativethoughtentersyourmind?
Younolongerneedtofeelyouhavetomakeyourselfthinkpositively–youdon’t.Ifyou’vespenttimebeingdepressed(andifyou’rereadingthisbookyouprobablyhave),you’veheardhundredsofwell-meaningsuggestionsfromallsortsofpeopleto‘thinkmorepositively’.Unfortunately,whatmostpeoplewhohaveneverbeendepresseddon’trealizeisthatwhenyou’redepressedyoucannomorethinkpositivelythangetinaspaceshipandflytothemoon!Thinkingmorepositivelywillhappennaturally,withouteffort,asyoupullyourselfoutofyourdepression.Thinkingmorepositivelyisanaturalextensionofknowingthatyourthoughtscan’thurtyou.
Theideahereistohaveadifferentkindofrelationshiptoyourthinking–onethatallowsyoutohavethoughtsofanykindwithouttakinganyofthemtooseriously.Youcangettothepointinyourlifewhereyoucanhaveanegativethought(oraseriesofnegativethoughts)andyousimplysaytoyourself,‘There’sanotherone.’Itwillnolongerbe‘frontpagenews’inyourmind!Asthishappensyouwillbeabletoresisttheurgeoffollowingeverynegativetrainofthoughtthatentersyourmind.
Ifyoucouldsomehowclimbintothemindofagenuinelyhappyperson,youwouldnoticethatsheisn’tnecessarilythinkingpositivethoughts.Instead,sheisn’tthinkingaboutmuchatall,otherthanwhatsheisdoing.Happypeopleunderstand,eitherinstinctuallyorbecausetheyhavebeentaught,thatthenameofthegameistoenjoyliferatherthantothinkaboutit.Happypeoplearesoimmersedintheprocessoflife,absorbedinwhattheyaredoingatthemoment,thattheyrarelystoptoanalysehowtheyaredoing.Ifyouwanttoverifythisconceptfirst-hand,spendsometimewatchingaroomfulofpreschoolchildren.Thereasonthey’rehavingsuchagoodtimeisbecausealloftheirenergyisdirectedtowardsenjoyment.Theyareimmersedinwhatevertheyhappentobedoing;theyaren’tkeepingscore.
Pleasedon’tmakethemistakeofthinking,‘It’sdifferentwithchildrenbecausetheyaren’tgrownupwithrealproblems.’Toachild,problemsareeverybitasrealasyoursaretoyou.Childrendealwithverydifficult,age-related,problems:parentswhofightorwhoareseparated,adultswhotellthemwhattodo,peoplewhotakeawaytheirthings,andtheneedtobeincludedandloved,tonamejustafew.Thedifferencebetweenadultsandchildrenandtheirlevelofhappinessisn’ttiedtohowrealtheirproblemsare,buttohowmuch
levelofhappinessisn’ttiedtohowrealtheirproblemsare,buttohowmuchattentionisplacedonthoseproblems.
Ifyouareconstantlyanalysingor‘keepingscore’ofyourlife,youwillalwaysbeabletofindfaultinwhateveryouaredoing.Afterall,whocouldn’timprove?Manypeopleevenpridethemselvesontheirabilitytobeonthelook-outfor‘what’swrong’.Butifyoufollowthoughtslike‘Lifewouldbebetterif…’youwillonceagainbeatthemercyofyourownthinking.Onethoughtwillleadtoanother,andthenanother,andsoon.It’sjustamatterofhowmuchnegativityyoucanhandle.Soonerorlateryou’llbedowninthedumps.Truehappinessoccurswhenyouquietdownyouranalyticalmind,whenyougiveitarest.
Onceyourealizethatyourthinkingiswhatcreatesyourexperienceoflife,includingyourdepression,analysingyourlifewillloseitsappeal.You’llprefersimplytodothebestthatyoupossiblycaninanygivenmomentandpayattentiontoenjoyingwhatyouaredoing,knowingthatyoucanalwaysdobetter.
I’mnotsuggestingthatyoushouldn’timproveyourlife.Yourlifewillinevitablyimproveasyoupaymoreattentiontolivingandlesstohowyouaredoing.
ThoughtsFloatingDownaRiverHaveyoueversatnexttoariverandwatchedleavesfloatingpeacefullyby?It’saverytherapeuticthingtodo.Eachleafisindependentoftheothersbutisstillconnectedbytheriver.Youcanwatchanyleafuntilitdisappearsoutofsight.It’saveryimpersonalprocess.WhatImeanby‘impersonal’isthattheleavesjustkeeponfloating.Theydon’tcareifyoulikethemorwhetheryou’drathertheyfloateddifferently.
Yourthoughtscanbelookedatinmuchthesameway.Yourconsciousnessproducesanongoingseriesofthoughts,onerightaftertheother.Whenyoufocusonanyparticularthought,itispresentandvisible.Onceyourattentiongoeselsewhere,thethoughtdisappearsfromyourmind.Yourthoughtscomeandgo.Youhavesurprisinglylittlecontroloverthecontentofyourownthinkingunlessyouareactivelytryingtocontrolit.Onceyouunderstandthatyouarethethinkerofyourownthoughts,andthatyourminddoesn‘tproduce‘reality’,itproduces‘thoughts’,youwon’tbeasaffectedbywhatyouthink.You’llseeyourthinkingassomethingthatyouaredoing–anabilityyouhavethatbringsyourexperienceoflife–ratherthanasthesourceofreality.Doyouremembertheoldsaying‘Sticksandstonesmaybreakmybonesbutwordscanneverhurtme’?Thoughtscouldbesubstitutedforwords.Yourthoughtscan’thurtordepressyouonceyouunderstandthattheyarejustthoughts.
Whenyoustarttoviewyourownthinkinginthismoreimpersonalway(inotherwords,lookingatyourthinkinginsteadofbeingcaughtinit),youwillfindyourselfbecomingfreeofdepression.Yourthinkinggoesonandon,anditwillcontinuetodosoforaslongasyoulive.Butwhenyoustepbackfromyourthinkingandsimplyobservethatyouaredoingit,yourmindbecomesfree,andyouopenthedoortoexperience.
AttentionandYourThinkingIfyourthinkingdetermineshowyouaregoingtofeel,thenit’sveryimportanttounderstandexactlywhathappenswhenyoufocusyourattentiononyournegativethinking.
Useyourowncommonsensetoanswerthefollowingquestion.Ifnegativefeelingsarecausedbynegativethinking,thenwhatpossiblegoodcanitdotooveranalysethenegativepartsofyourlife?Ifyouspendagreatdealoftimerehearsingpotentialproblems,dwellingonwhat’swrong,andthinkingandtalkingaboutproblems,onlytwothingsarecertaintohappen.First,youwillbecomeanexpertinyourproblems!Notanexpertatsolvingyourproblems,butanexpertindescribingthem.Therapistswillloveyou!Second,youwillbedepressed–oratleastyourspiritswillbelow.Thisistruebecausethereisafundamentallawatworkhere:thoughtsgrowwithattention!Themoreattentionyougivetowhatyouarethinking,thebiggerthatthoughtbecomesinyourmindandthemoreimportantthatthoughtwillseem.IfIaskyoutothinkofwhatisbotheringyou,youcanprobablyprovidemewithananswer.IfIexploreyouranswerwithyouandaskyoutodescribeitfurther,andspeculateastowhatelsemightgowrong,Idrawyoudeeperintoyourpain.Themorespecificanddetailedyouget,thebiggertheproblemwillbecome.
Nowholdonamoment.Afewsecondsagoyouwerefineandyouweren’teventhinkingabouttheproblem.Now,withmyhelp,youaredescribingapainfuleventasifitwerereallyhappening!Butit’snothappening–exceptinyourmind.I’mthefirstpersontoadmitthatitisimportanttoacknowledgearealproblem.Butacknowledgementandcommitmenttosolvingaproblemtakesamomentortwo,atmost.Acknowledgementisverydifferentfromdwellingonandrehearsing,ordoingendlesspost-mortemsonsituationsorevents.
Remember,thewayyoufeelisdeterminedbyyourthoughts.Soguesswhat:themoreattentionyouputonanythingthatisnegative,theworseyouwillfeel.Again,Iaskthatyouuseyourownwisdomandcommonsensetodecidewhetherornottobelieveme.Despitethepopularideathattalkingaboutandworkingthroughnegativeemotionsisagoodidea,I’msuggestingthatcommonsensedictatesotherwise.Afterall,peoplehavebeenworkingthroughendlessnegativeemotionsforyearsnow–andveryfewaremuchbetteroffthanwhentheystartedandmanyareworseoff.Thequestionstoaskyourself(andyourtherapistifyouhaveone)are:whendoesit(theanalysis)stop?WhenhaveIhadenough?WhendoIgettofeelbetter?
Ifyoubelievethatyourthoughtsarereal–andyouareencouragedtowork
throughtheworstofthem–youwillendupwithevenmoretocontendwith.Themoreyouthink,thebiggerandmoreimportantthethoughtswillseemandthemoreofthemtherewillbetodealwith.Becauseyourfeelingsaredeterminedbywhatyouthink,youwill,bynecessity,sinkevenlower.And,unfortunately,becauseyouarelower,youwillthinkevenworsethoughts,whichyounowhaveto‘workthrough’.Thisendlessnegativespiralnevertakesyouupwardstowardstheplaceyouwanttobe.Thespiralwillendwhenyoudecidethat‘enoughisenough’,whenyou‘startover’withacleanslate,withaclearmind,andwhenyourealizethattheonlythingholdingyourdepressioninplaceisyourownthinking.Youmuststopfocusingonyourdepression.
HumilityAsyoulearnthisapproach,andasyoubegintopulloutofdepression,trytobeeasyonyourself.Ittakesagreatdealofhumilitytoadmitthatyourownthinkingisthecauseofyoursuffering.Everythingyouhavelearnedpriortonowmayhavesuggestedotherwise.Beforeyourealizethatyourthinkingiscausingyourdepression,it’seasytoblameotherpeopleandthecircumstancesofyourlifeforyourmisery.Thereasonforthisisclear.Whenyoufeelbad,youwillhavethetendencytocomeupwithatheoryastowhyyoufeelthewayyoudo.Withoutknowingtheactualcause,itmakessensetocreateareason.Aslongasyoucancreatereasonsforyourdepression–yourmaritalstatus,yourjob,yourchildren,yourgenes,yourfinancialsituation,yourfuture,andsoforth–youcanmaintainthefalsehopethatthingswillgetbetterwhen…Butyoucanprobablyseethat,inactuality,thisisnottrue.Themindsetthatsays,‘Lifewillbebetterwhen…’willcreatefurtherconditionsthatmustbemetassoonastheinitialconditionsaresatisfied.Youneedonlytolookatthecountlesstimesinyourlifethatyoureceivedwhatyouwanted–andhappinessstilleludedyou–torealizethatchangingyourcircumstancesisn’ttheanswertoyourproblems.Ifitwere,you’dalreadybehappy!Youwantedtograduate,yougraduated.Youwantedamate,yougotone.Youwantedapet,yougotone.Youwantedapay-cheque,yougotone.Andsoon.Tensofthousandsoftimesinyourlifeyougotexactlywhatyouwantedandyetyou’restillunhappy!
Thesolutionistohavethehumilitytoadmitthatallalongyouhavebeencreatingyourownpainthroughyourownthinking.Don’tworry;almosteveryoneelseisdoingthesamething.Thegoodnewsisthatassoonasyouseethatthisistrue,you’llbeonyourwaytoafarbetterlife.Nomatterhowdepressedyouhavebeen,orhowlongyouhavebeendepressed,themomentyoucanseethatit’sonlyyourthinkingthatisholdingyourdepressioninplace,you’reonyourwaytofreedom.
YouCannotThinkYourWayoutofDepressionInmanyrespects,ifyouwanttoescapefromdepression,it’sjustasimportanttoknowwhatnottodoasitistoknowwhattodo.IfyouhavefollowedwhatyouhavereadthusfaryouwillhavenodifficultyunderstandingthestatementYoucannotthinkyourwayoutofdepression.Youcouldthinkandthinkforahundredyearsandyouwouldneverescapefromthegripsofdepression.Thereason:whenyourspiritsarelowyouwillgeneratenegativethoughts.Allyou
willseeisnegativity.Youalreadyknowthatyourthoughtsdeterminehowyoufeel;thus,whenyouthinkinadepressedstateofmindyouwillonlymakemattersworse.ThefamousAmericanfootballcoach,VinceLombardi,oncesaid,‘Justbecauseyou‘redoingsomethingwrong,doingitmoreintenselyisn’tgoingtohelp.’Noideaappliesbetterwhenyouaredepressed.It’syourthinkingthatloweredyourspiritstobeginwith;doingmoreofthesamewillonlymakemattersworse.
FuellingtheFireWhenyouaredepressed,thesingleworstthingyoucandotoyourselfistocontinuethinking–especiallyifyouareattemptingtouseyourthinkingtopullyourselfoutofyourdepression.Todosoisonly‘fuellingthefire’.Perhapsyoubelieve,asmanypeopledo,thatyoucan’tstopthinkingwhenyou’redowninthedumps.Andalthoughitcanbedifficultto‘stopthinking’,thereisanenormousdifferencebetweendoingsomethingwhilebelievingit’snaturalandnecessary–anddoingthatverysamethingknowingthatitisthecauseofyoursuffering.Onceyourealizethatwhatyouhavebeendoinghasbeenhurtingyou,youwillfindawaytostopdoingit!Theonlyreasonyouhavetriedtothinkyourwayoutofdepressioninthepastisbecauseyouknewofnootheroptions.Butyouwouldn’tputsaltinyourwoundonceyouknewitwasgoingtostinglikecrazy.Thinkingwhileyouaredepressedissimilartopouringabucketfulofsaltoveradeepcut!Asyoubegintounderstandthedynamicbetweenyourthinkingandthewayyoufeel,youwillbeabletoeaseoffyourthinking,inmuchthesamewaythatyoucaneaseoffyourcar’sacceleratorwhenyouarestuckinthemud.Beforeyouunderstandthattryinghardertogetoutofthemuddoesn’twork,youaretemptedtoputyourfootdownontothefloor.Afteryouunderstandtherelationshipbetweentheweightofyourfootandsinkingdeeperintothemud,however,youeaseoffalittlebit.Ifyou’veeverbeenstuckinthemudinyourcar,youknowhowtemptingitistotrytoforceyourwayout,evenwhenyouknowthatacceleratingmakesmattersworse;butbecauseyoudoknowbetter,youareabletoresisttheurge.Resisttheurgetothinkyourwayoutofyourdepressionandyouwillfindyourselfoutofitquickerthanyouexpected.
Three/HealthyPsychologicalFunctioning
Atthecoreorcentreofyourbeingissomethingyouwerebornwith,your‘healthypsychologicalfunctioning’.Healthyfunctioningisnotlearned,it’sinherent,it’syourbirthright,andit’salwayspresentwhenyouarenotengagedinyourthinkingmindoryour‘personality’.Yourhealthyfunctioningisinnate,it’syourmostnaturalstateofmind.It’snotwhoyouthinkyouare(yourego),it’syourhigherself,whoyoureallyareandwhoyoucanbe.Yourhealthyfunctioningiswhereyourwisdomlies,itisyourpeaceofmind,yourcommonsense,yoursatisfactioninlife,andyourfeelingofwholeness.
Iwillrefertoyourhealthyfunctioningindifferentways,withwordslikewisdomandcommonsense.Itdoesn’tmatterwhatyoucallit,thewordsareinterchangeable.Yourhealthyfunctioningisthepartofyouthatseesbeyondunhappiness;it’syoursourceofemotionalbuoyancy,thepartofyouwheretrueandlastinghappinessexists,andthepartofyouthatisn’tdisturbedwhenthecircumstancesinyourlifearelessthanperfect.
It’simportanttoknowthatyouwerebornwithhealthyfunctioning,andthatitwasn’tsomethingyouhadtolearn.Thetruthis,youhadtolearnhowtohave‘unhealthyfunctioning’,youhadtolearntobeunhappy.Nooneisbornscepticalornegative.Self-doubt,self-criticism,negativityandpessimismaretheresultofnegativethoughtsthatyouhavelearnedtotakeseriously.Yourself-imageandpersonalityareacompilationofthoughtsthatyouhaveaboutyourself,someofwhichmaybenegative.Ifyouhadneverlearnedtotakeseriouslynegativethoughtsaboutyourself,youwouldn’texperiencethefeelingsthatgoalongwiththemtoday.Youarethesolecreatorofallyournegativethoughts.Yourthoughtshavenopowertoharmyouotherthanthepoweryougivethem.
Unfortunately,ifyouarenottaughtthatthethoughtsyouhaveaboutyourselfarejustthoughts,youwillstarttobelievethattheydescribethewayyoureallyare.Themoreyoubelieveyourownthinking,themoreobscuredyourhealthyfunctioningbecomes.Poorself-esteemishealthyfunctioningthathasbeenobscuredwithself-doubtingthoughtsyouhavelearnedtotakeseriously.Considerthis:ayoungchildwouldn’tthinkofaskinghimself,‘AmIgoodenough?’Hewouldhavetolearntoaskhimselfsuchquestions.Priortolearningthesetypesofself-doubtingthoughts,achild’sself-imageisquitehealthyandintact.Ifyoucanlearntoacceptnegativethoughtsaboutyourself,thenyoucan
alsolearntodisregardandtakelessseriouslythenegativethoughtsthatrunthroughyourmind.Andasyoudo,yourhealthyfunctioningwillreturnveryquickly.Asthethoughtsaredismissed,amoreelevatedfeelingwillreturn.
Yourhealthyfunctioningisaninvisiblebutknowableforcewithinyou.It’snotsomethingthatyoucantouchorprove,butthenneitherisadream.Yetyouknowthatdreamsexist!Thefirststepsintappingintoyourhealthyfunctioningaretotrustthatitdoesindeedexist,andthensimplyhavethedesiretoaccessit.Remember,thereareplentyofmiraculousaspectsoflifethatareinvisible–thoughts,dreams,creativity,intuition,commonsense,andwisdom.
Thereasonthathealthyfunctioningmaybesoforeigntoyouisthatwhenyouareexperiencingit,youusuallydon’tevenknowit.It’ssuchasimple,uncomplicatedfeelingthatyoudon’ttakenotice.It’snotafeelinglikeexcitementthatyoucaneasilydescribe.Infact,healthyfunctioningiseasiertodescribeinitsabsence.
HealthypsychologicalfunctioningisthefeelingyouhavewheneverythingseemsOK,whenlifeseemssimpleandyouhaveasenseofperspective.It’sthefeelingyougetwhenyouareabletobetouchedbythesimplethingsinlife–watchingachildplaying,theleavesfallingfromatree,orthemotionofadooropening.Whenyouareengagedinhealthyfunctioningyouareabletomaintainasenseofinternalequilibriumirrespectiveofwhathappenstobegoingonaroundyou.Healthyfunctioningexistsindependentlyoftheexternalpartsofyourlife.It’safeelingwithinyouthatyoucanlearntoaccess.
Onceyouunderstandthathealthyfunctioningisapartofyou,youwillopenthedoortonoticingitspresenceinyourlife.Healthyfunctioningwillbecomeyournormalmodeofemotionalfunctioningwhenyouacceptthefactofitsexistence.Thinkbacktothelasttimeyouwokeupon‘therightsideofthebed’andyoufeltasenseofgratitudeaboutyourlife–thelasttimeyousaidtoyourself,‘Lifeseemsmagical.’Eveneternalpessimistshavemomentswhenthemagicoflifeinspiresthem.Trytorecallthelasttimesomethinghappenedinyourlifethatyouwishhadn’thappened,yetyoumaintainedasenseofperspective,youkeptyourcool.Whyisitthatsometimesyouareabletomaintainyoursenseofperspectivewhileatothertimesyoufeelasifyouaregoingtoloseyourmind?Theansweristhatsometimesyouaretappedintoyourhealthyfunctioningandsometimesyouaren’t.It’sinterestingtonotethatifyouhaveeverfeltthefeelingIamdescribinghere–yourhealthyfunctioning–thenyoualreadyknowthatitexists.Itdoesn’thavetodisappearintonothingnessandthenreappearbypurechanceeveryonceinawhile.Likeintuition,healthy
functioningisaninvisibleforcewithinyouthatyoucancallupon.It’safeelingthatyoucanlearntolivewith.Youjusthavetoknowthatit’sthereforyouandtowantittoappear–anditwill.
AccessingandAligningwithStrengthWouldn’titbeniceifyoucouldlearntoliveinthestateofmentalhealththatI’vebeendescribing?Thefirststepindoingsoistoopenyourmindtothepossibility.IhaveseenithappentosomanypeoplethatIbelieveitcanhappenforyou.Knowthatifyouhaveeverfeltpeacefulduringacrisis,ifyouhaveeverkeptyourcoolwhenothersweren’tabletodoso,thenthepossibilityexistsforthistooccuronaregularbasis.Thisbookisabouthelpingyoutoalignyourselfwithyourhealthyfunctioning,yourinnerfeelingofpeaceandstrength.Inordertoovercomeunhappinessandbecomeahappier,morejoyfulperson,youmustfindsomethinginyourlifethatismorepowerfulandimportantthanyourunhappiness.Healthyfunctioningismorepowerfulandbeautifulthananysourceofmisery.Onceyoubegintorecognizehealthyfunctioninginyourlife,itwillbecomethemostimportantfactor.Discoveringyourhealthyfunctioningisallyouneedtoliveagenuinelyhappy,productivelife.Ifaproblemcan’tbesolvedwhileyouaretappedintoyourhealthyfunctioning,thenitsimplycan’tbesolved.
Twosimplefactscansummarizemuchofwhatyouneedtoknowaboutpeople.Weareallverydifferent–andweareallverysimilar!Whenourpersonalitiesorthoughtsystemsareturnedon,wearebutoneofliterallybillionsofseparatepeoplewithourownindividualstories,ideas,complaints,anddramas.Inthisdomain,thereisseparateness,friction,stress,strife,andlotsofunhappiness.Everyoneisactivelythinkingand,unfortunately,believingmostofwhattheyarethinking.Thereisagreatdealofconfusioninthisdomainbecauseeveryonethinksthattheirwayisthe‘right’way.Butwhenourmindsarequiet,whenwearesimply‘being’,andarealignedwithourhealthyfunctioning,weareall,inaveryimportantsense,thesame,atleastinthewaysthatreallymatter.Wearepeacefulandfilledwithpeacefulfeelings.Weareunderstandingofourdifferences,loving,andkindtoourselvesandtoothers.Weseethebiggerpicture,theinnocenceinourdifferences,andwecanaccessthebeautyoflife.
AsIjustsaid,youcannotgetridofsomethingaspowerfulasunhappinessunlessyouhavesomethingevenmorepowerfultoreplaceitwith–yourhealthyfunctioning.Thispartofyouissomuchmorepowerfulthananythingyoucouldever‘thinkof’.Yourhealthyfunctioningisaplaceinsideyourselfwhereyoucanrestinyourbeinginsteadofbeingactiveinyourpersonality.Itisaplaceofmeditation–butyoudon’thavetomeditatetogetthere.Youonlyneedtoknowthatitexists–andprefertobethere–togetthere.Yourhealthyfunctioningallowsyoutoliveyourlifefrommomenttomoment,alwaysdoingthebestthatyoucan.Itallowsyoutorememberthatthemostimportantaspectoflifeis
youcan.Itallowsyoutorememberthatthemostimportantaspectoflifeisenjoyingitandfeelingpeaceful.Whenyoufeelthisway,youaretrulyatyourbest,andeverythingtendstoworkitselfout–andifitdoesn’t,youknowthatitalsowouldhaveifyouweren’tengagedinhealthyfunctioning.
Onceyourealizethathealthyfunctioningissomethingthatresideswithinyou,andiseverybitasrealasanyotherpartofyourlife,youcanbegintocallonitasaresourcewhenyouneedit.Youmust,however,treatyourhealthyfunctioningassomethingthatdoesexist;itmustbemorethananideatoyou.Itmustbesomethingyoutrust,likeintuition.
YourThoughtSystemversusHealthyFunctioningYourthoughtsystemisconcernedonlywiththedetailsofyourlife,howyoucomparewithothers,yourworldlypursuits,yourintellect,youregogratification,andyourendlesssupplyofwantsandneeds.Youcan’tsatisfyyourthoughtsystem.Itsjobistothink,compare,contrastandanalyse.Itisconcernedwithwhathappensinyourlife.Thesetofguidelineswithinwhichitoperatesistotallyinconsistentwithenjoyment.Whenyoualignyourselfexclusivelywithyourthoughtsystem,assomanypeopledo,youaredoomedtoalifeoffrustrationandunhappiness.
Youcan’tthinkyourwaytohappiness,norcanyoudoanythingtomakeyourselfhappy.Happinessisastateofmind,notasetofcircumstances.It’sapeacefulfeelingyoucanlearntolivewith,notsomethingyouhavetosearchfor.Youcanneverfindhappinessbysearchingbecausethemomentyoutry,youimplythatitisfoundoutsideyourself.Itisn’t.Happinessisthefeelingofyourownhealthyfunctioning.Whenyouaccepttheideathathealthyfunctioningisasignificantpartofyourself,youcanstoptryingtobehappyandsimplylearntobehappy.
Ifyoudon’tlearntotrustinandaccessyourhealthyfunctioning,it’simpossibletolearntobehappy,becauseratherthanlearningtolookforafeelingwithinyourself,youwillcontinuetopayattentiontothenegativethoughtsthatrunthroughyourmind.
Yourhealthyfunctioningisnotconcernedwithwhathappensinyourlife.Ithasamoreexpansivevision.Itisconcernedwithhowyourelatetowhathappensinyourlife.Obviouslythereisatremendousdifferencebetweenthesetwomodes.Yourthoughtsystemcomesupwithwhat‘itthinks’wouldmakeithappy.Yourhealthyfunctioning,ontheotherhand,iswhatmakeshappinesspossible.Ifallyouhadwasyourthoughtsystem,youwouldneverbehappy.
Youwouldbeabletothinkofplentyofthingsthatmightmakeyouhappy,butyoucouldneveractuallyfeelhappy.Yourthinkingmindwouldkeepcomingupwithconditionsthatwouldsupposedlymakeyouhappy,butwhentheconditionsweremet,yourthoughtsystemwouldbegintoprocessalloveragain–comingupwithnewconditionsthatmustbemet.Yourthoughtsystemwillcomeupwithideaslike,‘I’llbehappywhenmyfinancialcircumstancesgetbetter.’Ifyouwonthelottery,however,yourthoughtsystemwouldstartalloveragain:‘Iwishthejackpothadbeenbigger,’or‘Ohno,whatifIlosethemoney?’or‘Whatiftheyrunoutofmoneyandcan’tpayme?’Suchthoughtswouldagainstarttofillyourhead.
Yourhealthyfunctioningisthatpartofyouthatallowsyoutofeelhappywhetherornotyourfinancialcircumstancesarewhatyouwouldlikethemtobe.It’saplacewithinyouthatalwaysfeelscontent.Yourhealthyfunctioningisnotinterestedinwhathappens,it’sonlyinterestedinhowyoufeelandhowyourelatetowhathappens.Allevents,thegoodandbad,comeandgo.Itisonlyyourmemory,yourthinking,thatkeepsanyeventaliveandrelevant.Thekeytounlockingyourinnerhappinessistorealizethatyouarethecreatorofthosethoughts.Yourhealthyfunctioningisthepartofyouthatknowsthatthetruepowerinlifeisinthethinker–you–andnotinthethoughtsthemselves.
Yourhealthyfunctioningisnotjustatheoryorapassiveentitytobereadaboutandthenforgotten.It’saveryreal,positiveandlivingforcewithinyouthatyoucanlearntoaccess.AndasIhavestated,youhavealreadyaccesseditmanytimesinthepast,atthosemomentswheneverythingfeltjustright.Thekeytoeliminatingunhappinessandreplacingitwithjoyfulnessistolearntorecognizehealthyfunctioningwhenitispresentinyourlife,andtohelpitgrowanddevelop.
Yourmentalhealthcanneverbecompletelylost,itcanonlybecoveredupbynegative,habitualandinsecurethoughtsthatyouhavelearnedtotaketooseriously.Themoreseriouslyyoutakeyourownthoughts,themoredistantyourhealthyfunctioningseemstobe.Becomingawarethatyouhavenotjustapersonalityandthoughtsaboutyourlife,butalsothisotherpartofyourself,this‘healthyfunctioning’,isamajorweaponagainstunhappiness.Whenyouknowdeepinyourheart(eveninthemidstofadepressedstate)thatbeneathyournegativityliesapeacefulandlight-heartedfeelingthatiseverpresent,youwillregainthehopeandconfidencethatanicer,non-depressed,feelingisjustaroundthecorner–whichitis.Theonlyfactorholdingyourunhappinessinplaceisyourownthinking.Allyouneedtodoisrelaxandopenyourmindtothepossibilitythatthereismoretolifethanwhatyouthinkabout,andanew
possibilitythatthereismoretolifethanwhatyouthinkabout,andanewrichnessandsenseofpeacewillbegintounfoldforyou.Beginbyappreciatingthesimple,powerfulfeelingofyourownhealthyfunctioning.
Ifyouareaparent,trytothinkbacktothemomentyourfirstchildwasborn.Rememberthebliss,thejoyinthewayyoufelt.Ifyouaren’taparent,rememberaninstancewhenyouwerecompletely‘present’,atimewhenyourmindwasnowhereelsebutrightwhereyouwere,atimewheneverythingseemed‘justright’.Itmayhavebeenatimeinthebeautyofnature,inaforestorbythesea.Perhapsitwasatimewhenyoufellinlove.Everyone,nomatterwhotheyare,orhowdepressedtheyhavebeen,hashadatleastsomemomentsofhealthyfunctioningintheirlife.Noonehadtoteachyouhowtofeelyourownmentalhealth.Itjusthappens,allbyitself,whenyouslowdownyourthinkingandturnoffyourthinkingmind.Yourhealthyfunctioningexistsinthenow.Itoccurswhenyoutakeyourfocusofattentionoffyourconcernsandproblems,andinsteadallowyourmindtofeelatrest.
Asyoubegintorealizethatyourhealthyfunctioningcomesfromyouandnotfromexternalsources,nomatterhowbeautifultheymaybe,youcanbegintappingintothisbeautifulplacewheneveryouwish.Becomingconsciousofyourhealthyfunctioningcanbelearned.Youcanlearntotapintoitaseasilywhileyouarewithyourchildrenoratworkasyoucanwhileyouaresittinginfrontofafireorwalkinginaforest.Allittakesisunderstanding,intention,patience,andpractice.
Yourhealthyfunctioningisnotonlyaplaceyoucantapintoonrareoccasionsorwhenyouaresittingquietlybyyourself,it’saplaceinwhichyoucanlive.Askyourselfdaily,evenhourly,‘Whereisthatplaceinme?Iknowit’stherebecauseI’vefeltitbefore.’Yoursearchfor,andrecognitionof,yourhealthyfunctioningmustbeasignificantandintegralpartofyourlife.
Yourworldlypursuits,yourdreams,andyouraspirationsarenotjeopardizedwhenyoulearntotapintoyourhealthyfunctioning.Onthecontrary,youwillbegintoseethebiggerpicture,you’llseewhattrulymotivatesyouandwhatyoureallywantinyourlife.Youwillalsoseewhatactivitiesandpursuitswouldbebetterleftalone.Thisabilitytoleavethingsalonewillalsobetruewithregardtoyourthinking.Onceyouseewhereaparticulartrainofthoughtisleadingyou,andyoudon’tlikewhereyou’reheaded,you’llbeabletochangecourse.You’llspendlesstimedoingthingsmechanically,andmoretimedoingthingsfortheloveofit.Insteadofbelieving‘Anythingworthdoingisworthdoingwell:you’llstarttoseethat‘Anythingworthdoingisworthdoingbecauseyouenjoyit.’You’llhaveauthenticinnerpower,agreaterabilitytosay‘no’whenit’s
appropriate,andthewisdomtoknowwhatyoureallywant.Accessingyourhealthyfunctioningallowsyoutoseeinformationinnewandcreativeways,andallowsyoutomakerational,productivedecisionsinatimelymanner.Itallowsyoutoenjoy,ratherthanstrugglewith,theebbsandflowsoflife.Itencouragesyourwisdomandcommonsensetosurface.
Yourhealthyfunctioningcanbepointedtoanditcanbefelt.Youcanseetheeffectsofitsenergy.Youcanseeactsoflovingkindness,compassion,andcaring.Youcanseepeoplewhousedtobeangryanddepressedwhoarenowpeaceful,loving,andhappy.Youcanseepeoplewhohavesomuchloveandself-respectintheirheartsthattheyrarelygetdefensive,upset,orcriticalofothers.
LookingfortheCluesYoucanbegintolookforcluestopointyouinthedirectionofyourhealthyfunctioning.Tobegin,youmustfirstacknowledgethatyouhaveitinyou–andthenappreciateitwhenitispresent.Don’tjustlookforhealthyfunctioningwhenyoufeelupset,butpayattentiontoitwhenyouarefeelinggood.Inthisway,yourhealthyfunctioningcangrow.Asmoreandmoreofyourenergyandattentionaredirectedtowardsthisotherpartofyourself,youwillfindyourselfexperiencingitfarmoreoften.Thebetterfeelingyouexperiencewillfeedonitself,givingyoumoreconfidenceandmorehope,settingforthapositive,life-enhancingcycle.Overtimeyouwillbeabletoseeyourselfmovinginandoutofyourhealthyfunctioning,andeventuallyyouwillbeabletoliveinthisstateofmindmostofthetime.Evenwhenyouaren’tabletotapintothishappierstate,youwillatleastknowthatitexists.Thisknowledgewillprotectandshieldyouagainstthegripsofunhappinessanddepression.
Yourhealthyfunctioningmustbecomemoreimportantandmorerealtoyouthanyourunhappinesshasbeeninthepast.Ifitdoes,youwillseenewlightandnewhopeemerginginyourlife.Themomentsofmentalhealthyouhaveexperiencedinthepastwillbecomeminutes,thenhours,andfinallyawayoflife.IfyoucanseethetruthinwhatIamsaying,thatthereissomuchmoretoyouthanyourunhappinessandyournegativethoughtsaboutyourself,youhavereachedthestartofyourroadtofreedom.Youmustbegintoacknowledgethatyoudoindeedhavementalhealth,thatyoudohavehealthyfunctioning.Youmustrealizethatevenifyoudon’tfeelitatthemoment,it’sstillthere,waitingforyourattention.
Imaginethatyouhaveaspecialpairoforangesocksthatyouhavelostbutwouldliketowear.Ifyouarecertainthatyouownthem,andyouknowwhattheylooklike,andyoureallywanttofindthem,thenyouareathousandtimesmorelikelytofindthemthanifyoudon’tevenknowthatyouownthem!Howwouldyoueverfindsomethingifyoudidn’tevenknowwhatyouwerelookingfor–orforthatmatterthattherewasevenanythingtolookfor?
Ifyoubeginactivelytosearchout,explore,andyearnforyourowninnersanity,youwillfindwhatyouarelookingfor.Asyourunderstandingandfaithintheexistenceofyourhealthyfunctioningincreasesyouwilldiscoverabetterfeelingsurfacing.Asthispartofyouthatisneverdepressedisrecognizedandacknowledged,itwillbegintoconqueryourunhappinessinthesamewaythatsunlightwillbringlifetoaplantthathasbeenleftinthedark.Lightismorepowerfulthandarkness.Healthyfunctioningismorepowerfulthanunhappiness.
Onceyourinherentmentalhealthandhappinessareacknowledged,theywillbetoopowerfultoremainaninactiveforceinyourlife.Onceyourecognizethisfeelingforwhatitis,itwillbecomeself-reinforcinguntilitovershadowsanyunhappinessthatremains.
Youdon’tfindlightbystudyingthedark.Iknowthissoundsobvious,andtoacertaindegree,itis.Butthiscommon-sensewayofapproachinglifeisanythingbutcommon.Moreoftenthannot,therapistsandfriendswillgetyoutodescribeyourpainandlookattheimplicationsofitandthe‘reasons’behinditinanattempttobringyoutoastateofpeace.Youwillbeaskedtoexplorethepartsofyourpastthatwerepainfulandto‘getintouch’withyournegativityandyourdarkside.Ifyouaredepressed,youarealreadyintouchwithyournegativity.Tobecomehappy,youneedtotravelintheotherdirection–towardsyourhealthyfunctioning.Pleasedon’tmisunderstandwhatIamsaying:agoodlistenerandasympatheticearcandowondersforthesoul,andisasignofagoodfriendship.I’mnotattemptingtoplacejudgmentorcriticizetypicaltherapeuticapproachesandcertainlynotgoodfriendships.Instead,I’mshowingyouhowtodecideforyourselfwhatisgoingtobringyouwhatyouwantinlife.Ifyouhaveadarkside,fine.Acknowledgeitandmoveforward.Excessivethinkingaboutyourpastandyourproblemswillonlyconvinceyouthatyoudo,infact,havegoodreasonstobeupsetandunhappy.
Whenafootballplayeristakingapenaltykickandthereare15,000fansinthecrowdscreamingforandagainsthim,hemustkeephiseyeonthegoalandforgeteverythingelse.Theverybestfootballplayersdojustthat.Theslightestwaveringofattentionusuallyresultsinamissedshot,andperhapsalostgame.Agoodathletewillpractiseandpractisethatwhichworks.Hewillnotdwellonpastmistakes.Hewillnotentertainself-doubtingthoughts.Hewillacknowledge,thenreleasetheimagesofhispastmistakesfromhisconsciousness.Achievingmentalhealthandhappinessworksinasimilarfashionexceptthatthestakesaremuchhigher.
Ifyouaskedahundred‘happypeople’thesecretoftheirsuccess,noneofthemwouldsaytoyouthattheyneverfeelnegativeemotions,orthattheyneverhavenegativethoughts,orthattheirpastswereperfect.Virtuallyallofthem,however,wouldtellyouthateveninthemidstoftheirnegativitytheyknewtherewassomethingbetter,somethingmoreimportanttothemthantheawfulfeelingtheywereexperiencingatthatmoment.Theirfaithinthisotherpartofthemselvesisthedrivingforcebehindtheirhappiness.Happypeopleknowthereissomethingbetter,morepowerfulandmoreimportantthanwhattheyare
thinkingabout!Theyknowthatstudyingtheirunhappinesswon’tbringthemhappiness.
InthechaptersthatfollowIwillbereferringtoyourhealthyfunctioningmanytimes.Youwillbelearningabouttoolsthatcanenableyoutotapintothisnicerfeelingmoreofteninyourlife.Asyouread,keepinmindthatyourgoalistofeelbetter.Asyoulearntodismisstheobstaclesthatinterferewithyourhealthyfunctioning,youwillbebuildingafoundationofmentalhealththatwilllastforalifetime.
Four/DismissingThoughts
Theaveragepersonwillhaveapproximately50,000thoughtsenterandleavehermindinanygivenday.Luckily,wehaveaveryimportantability–theabilityto‘dismiss’thoughtsastheyenterourmind.
Dismissingthoughtsisanatural,effortlessprocessthatkeepsusfromconfusion,anxiety,overstimulation,andgettingtoocaughtupinourownthinking.Withoutthisability,wewouldundoubtedlyalleventuallysufferfromnervousbreakdownsandfallapart.Therewouldsimplybetoomuchmentalactivitytohandle.
ConsiderwhatyouwoulddoifyouwereenjoyingafilmonaSaturdayeveningwhen,duringaslowmoment,youbeganwonderingwhetheryoushouldpaintyourbedroomblueorwhitenextsummer.Chancesareyouwouldsimplydismissthisthoughtfromyourmind,alongwiththeothertensofthousandsofthoughtsthatenteryourmindduringthecourseofagivenday.Thereislittlechanceyouwouldletthisthoughtinterferewithyourenjoymentoftheevening.Youwouldn’tevaluate,analyse,ordwellonthethought–therewouldbenoeffortinvolved–youwouldjustletitdriftaway.Andasthethoughtdriftedaway,youwouldbringyourattentionbacktowhatyouweredoing–watchingthefilm.Itishelpfultoseetheeasewithwhichyoudismissthoughtsthroughouttheday.Andtheimportantquestiontoaskyourselfis:IfIcandismissonethoughtwhycan’tIdismissanother?Thesimpletruthisthatyoucandismissanythoughtsyoubelieveyoucandismiss.
Thinkforamomentwhatwouldhavehappenedifyouhadn’tdismissedthethoughtaboutwhichcolourtopaintthebedroom,andinsteadhadfocusedyourattentiononit.Hadthisbeenthecase,thethoughtwouldhavetakenonmoresignificanceinyourmind,creatingthepotentialtoaffectyourwell-being.Asyouthoughtabouttheissueofpaintingyourroom,youwouldhavebeguntofeeltheeffects.Thequestionofwhatcolourwouldhaveledtoafeelingofconfusion,followedbyanynumberofadditionalthoughtssuchas‘Icannevermakeupmymind,’whichwouldhavebroughtonafeelingoffrustrationoranxiety.Onethoughtwouldnaturallyleadtoanotherandanotherunlessanduntilyouchosetodropthethoughtsaltogether.
It’ssurprisinghowlittlecontrolyouhaveoverwhichthoughtsenteryourmindtobeginwith.It’sasifthoughtsjustappearinyourmind,almostrandomly.Yourpowerorcontroloveryourownthinkingbeginsafterthe
formationofathought.Itisafteryouhaveathoughtthatyouhavethechoiceofcontinuingtothinkaboutit–orletitdriftaway.Yourabilitytoletyourthoughtsdriftawaywillbetiedtoyourunderstandingthatthoughts,inandofthemselves,havenopowertohurtyou.Thoughtsarenothingmorethanimagesinyourmind,andyoucandropthoseimageswheneveryouchoosetodoso.
Weareconstantlydismissingthoughtsofalltypeswheneverwedeemthemunnecessaryorunimportant.Itisourfaultyjudgmentregardingwhatisunnecessarythatgetsusintotrouble.Forexample,whilewemightdismissthethoughtaboutpaintingthebedroom,wemightnotdismissthethoughtabouthowbadlifehasbecome.Wedismissonethoughtasinsignificant,yetweanalyseanotherasifithadalifeofitsown.Itdoesn’t.Onethoughtcanbejustaseasilydismissedasanother.Ironically,it’sfarmoreimportanttodismissthethoughtabouthowbadyourlifehasbecomethananinnocuousthoughtaboutthecolourofyourbedroom.Fewofusrealize,however,thatwehavethischoicewheneverwewish.Asyoupractisetheartofdismissingthoughts,youwillseehoweasyitreallyis.
Aswehaveseen,wheneverwetakeathoughtseriously,regardlessofthecontent,wesetourselvesuptoexperiencetheeffectsofthatthoughtandtofeeltheemotionstiedtoit.Fortunately,thereverseisalsotrue.Aswelearntodismissthoughtsthatareinterferingwithouremotionalwell-being,webegintofeelbetter.Feelingbetter,inturn,setsanewpositivecycleinmotion.Thebetterwefeel,thefewernegativethoughtsenterourmind.Asnegativethoughtsdohappentoenterourmind,wecasuallydismissthem–andsoon.
Imagine,foramoment,thatyouaresittingaroundfeelingbadaboutyourfinances.You’rethinkingabouthowharditistomakeendsmeet.Thoughtslike‘I’llnevergetoutofdebt’arefillingyourmind.You’refeelingsorryforyourself.Then,allofasudden,yousmellsmokecomingfromadownstairsflat.Youknowtherearechildrenlivingdownthereandyouinstantlyjumpoutofyourchairandrundownstairstoseeifyoucanhelp.Thequestionstoaskyourselfare:Whathappenedtoyourthoughtsduringthefire?Wheredidtheygo?Verysimply,youdismissedthem.Youdecidedthatdealingwiththepotentialfirewasmoreimportantthancontinuingtothinkaboutyourdebts.It’sreallythatsimple.Notethatassoonasyoudismissedthethoughtsandwentontosomethingelse,youwerefreeofthenegativeeffectsofthosethoughts.Youwerenolongerfeelingsorryforyourself.Youwerere-energized,youevenhadthewherewithaltohelpinacrisis.Anynegativefeelingsyouhaddriftedawayandwerereplacedbythefeelingsassociatedwithyournewthoughts.
Theonlywaytobringbackthosesamenegativefeelingsyouwereexperiencingregardingyourpersonalfinancesistobeginthinkingaboutthesamethingsagain.Thismightseemcrazybut,interestinglyenough,therearepeoplewhowilldojustthat.Inthiscase,theywoulddealwiththefire,andthenquicklyreturntotheirpreviouspreoccupation.It’sasthoughtheywouldsaytothemselves,‘Now,wherewasIbeforeIwasinterrupted?Oh,that’sright,Iwasthinkingabouthowbadmylifehasbecome.Yes,mylifeisreallybad.AndIfeelreallybad.’ItmightseemlikeI’mexaggerating,buttruthfully,manyofuswillemotionallytortureourselveswithourownthinking–withouteverrealizingthatwearedoingittoourselves.Thisself-tortureistotallyabsurd,yetsomanypeopledoit.
Themomentyourealizewhatyouaredoingtoyourselfisthemomentyoubegintosetyourselffree.Youarethethinkerwhoisthinkingabouthowbadyourlifeis.Thepowertostopdoingthisisinyourhands.Allyouhavetodoisrealizethatyouaretheproducerofyourownthoughts.Thethoughtsthemselveshavenolifeoftheirownandcan’tharmyou.Onceforgotten,theyaregoneuntilyouthinkofthemagain.
Humanbeingshaveanaturalabilitytodisengagethemselvesfrompointlessanddestructivethinking.Forexample,whathappenstotheofficebickeringwhenthebosssuddenlycomesthroughthedoor?Everyoneinstantlyputsontheirbestbehaviour.Todothis,theymustforgetthearguing.Theindividualsinvolvedaremotivatedtodropthethinkingthatwaskeepingthefightalive.However,itisoftenthecasethatifsomeoneweretosuggesttothesesamepeoplethatiftheydropthethoughtsthefrictionwillbegone,theresponsewillbesomethinglike,‘Easiersaidthandone.Wecan’tstopthinkingaboutit.’Whileitsometimesseemsasthoughthisisthecase,inrealityitisnot.Thetruthisthatweareconstantlydismissingthoughtsbutareusuallyunawarethatwearedoingit.It’simportanttoknowthatyou,liketheofficeworkersintheexample,haveagreatdealofmotivationtostartdismissingthoughtsthataremakingyouunhappy.Ifyoudo,youwillbehappyandyourproblemswillresolvethemselves.
TheTimeFactorIfweconsiderthewaymostpeoplegetoverproblemsandpainfulevents,byfarthemostpopularisthe‘passageoftime’.Wehavebeentaughttobelievethat‘timehealsallwounds’.Peoplerarelyrealize,however,thattheythemselvesstoppedperpetuatingtheirproblembydroppingitfromthought.This‘dismissal’isthefactorthatbroughttheirmentalhealthbacktothem.Hadtheyrecognizedthisfact,itwouldbepossibletomaintainahighdegreeofmentalhealthonanongoingbasis.Butbecausethisfactisoverlooked,evenwhenpeopledomanagetoregainsomedegreeofmentalhealthbydroppingtheirthoughts,theirlackofunderstandingofhowtheyactuallyobtainedtheirreliefmakesitnearlyimpossibletoholdontotheirmorepositivefeeling.Verysimply,thenexttimenegativethoughts(thesamethoughtsornewones)entertheirminds,theywillbejustaslikelytofallvictimtothesamepattern.Ratherthandismissingthethoughtsastheycomeup,therebyregainingamorepeacefuloutlook,theywillcontinuetoengagethethoughts.Onceapersonlearnsthatthesecretofmentalhealthisthedismissalofnegativethoughts,heisfreetoexperiencementalhealthregularly.
Thepassageoftimehasnorealrelevanceinhelpingustogetoversomethingotherthanencouragingustothinkaboutotherthingsbesideswhateverisbotheringus.Aswehaveseen,wehavethecapacitytodropthoughtsinstantlywhenwearemotivatedandchoosetodoso.Anunderstandingofthoughtallowsustoseethatallthoughtsarejustthoughtsandallmemoryisjustmemory–whethersomethinghappenedtenyearsagoortenminutesago.Andaswebegintofeelbetterbydismissingthoughtsatwill,theprocessgetseasier.Ifthepassageoftimewerereallythedeterminingfactorthatenabledapersontogetoversomething,thenallofuswouldgetoverthingsinanidenticalperiodoftime.Butweknowthisisn’tthecase.
Thisunderstandinghassignificantpracticalimplications.Whereaswemighthavesetupartificialculturalorsocialtimeframestogetoverorrecoverfromasituation,wecannowseethatit’sentirelyuptous.Forexample,ifwetriedsomethingandfailed,thereisnopresetperiodoftimeinwhichwecanexpecttogetoveritandmoveon.Ifitusuallytakesusaweektogetoversomesortoffailure,itonlymeansthatsevendaysafteraneventwestopthinkingaboutitandmoveon.Sincetheincidentisnowoverandcontinuestoexistonlyinourmind,ifwewanttowecanstoppayingattentiontothethoughtswehaveabouttheincident,andinsteaddismissthethoughtsastheyenterourmind.Oncewediscoverhowniceitistofeelbetterasaresultofdismissingnegativeandpainfulthoughts,holdingontothesethoughtsbecomeslessandlessappealing.
painfulthoughts,holdingontothesethoughtsbecomeslessandlessappealing.Dismissingthoughtsisn’tsomethingyouhavetolearn,it’ssomethingyoualreadydo.
Five/Wisdom
CertainlyoneofthequestionsIammostfrequentlyaskedis:Ifmythoughtsarejustthoughts,andtheyaren’tsomethingIhavetobeoverlyconcernedwith,thenhowdoIknowwhichthoughtstopayattentiontoandwhichthoughtstodismiss?
Wearefortunatetohavewithinusaninnerintelligencethatisdeeperandmoreprofoundthananytestcouldmeasure–wisdom.Yourwisdomwilltellyouwhentolistentoandtrustyourthoughtsandwhentoignorethem.Itwilltellyouwhenyouarethinkinginahabitual,business-as-usualwayandwhenyouarethinkingfromawisestateofcommonsense.
Wisdomexistsoutsidetheconfinesofourindividualthoughtsystem.Inotherwords,whenwetapintowisdom,wearen’tthinkinginabusiness-as-usualsense,butfromanentirelydifferentstandpoint,whichprobablyexplainswhysofewpeopleacknowledgetheirownwisdom.Whileasasocietywehavetraditionallyreveredintelligence,it’simportanttoknowthatwisdomdoesnotcomefromthoughtalone;itisn’tlinkedtoyourabilitytouseyourintelligenceoryourmemory.Youcan’t‘figureout’whatyourwisdomistryingtotellyou.Insteadyoulearntotrustaquietinnervoicethatknowswhatyouneedtoknow.Andwhat’smore,whenitdoesn’tknowananswer,itknowsthatitdoesn’tknow.
Wisdomisyoursenseofknowing,anintuitivefeelingthatyouhaveexperiencedmanytimes.Forinstance,whenyoulearntodriveacar,youneverforgethowtodoso.Youcanstopdrivingforanumberofmonths,orevenyears,thengetinthedriver’sseatanddriveperfectly.Wisdomistheinternalknowingthatallowedyoutodrivewithouthavingtorelearn.
Wisdomexistsineveryaspectofyourlife.Therearetimeswhenyousimplyknowwhatisrightforyou,orwhenyouknowyoucandosomething.Thisisquitedifferentfromhavingtothinkinsearchofananswer.Todemonstratethedifference,thinkofanoldfriend.Doyouhavetocomeupwithreasonswhyyoulovethisperson?Ofcoursenot.Yoursenseofknowingtellsyouwhotoloveandwhotoavoid.Nowthinkofsomeoneyoudon’tcarefor.Ifyou’rehonest,you’dprobablybeabletolisttenpositivecharacteristicsaboutthisperson.Ifyoucan’t,I’llbetsomeoneelsecan.Thepointisthis:ifyoucanlistpositivetraitsaboutaperson,thenwhydon’tyoulikethatperson?Simplybecauseyourintuitivesenseknowswhatisbestforyou.Yourwisdomisfarmorepowerfulandall-knowingthanyourthinkingmind.
andall-knowingthanyourthinkingmind.I’vealreadysaidthatyourthoughtsaren’treal.Butifthisisso,which
thoughtsshouldyoupayattentiontoandwhichshouldyouavoid?Verysimply,yourwisdom,yoursenseofknowingwilltellyou.Hereisanexample.Youareinabadmoodandyouhavethefollowingthoughtaboutyourspouse:‘He’scompletelyuseless!’Doyoudismissthisthoughtornot?Theanswerisyes.Bydismissingthisnegativethoughtyouavoidhavingahundredadditionalthoughtsaboutyourhusbandthataregoingtoloweryourspirits–andgetinthewayofyourwisdom!Bydismissingthethought,youavoidhavingtofeelbad,whichisexactlywhatwouldhappenifyoucontinuedtothinknegativelyaboutyourhusband.Howyoufeelisafunctionofyourownthoughts.Ifyouthinknegativelyaboutyourhusband,yousuffer–notyourhusband.Bymaintainingapositivefeelinginyourlifeandnotbeingseducedbyyournegativethoughts,youkeepthedooropenforyoursenseofknowing.Wheneveryouareinapositivefeelingstate,yourhealthyfunctioning–yourwisdom–isatwork.
Whatifyourhusbandreallyisuseless?Whatif,inahappierstateofmind,somethingwithinyouistellingyouthatsomechangesneedtobemade?Terrific!That’syourinnerwisdomatwork.Byallmeanslistentothisvoiceandactuponit.Wisdomisthequietvoicethatspeakstoyouwhenyouarefeelinggood,whenyouarehappy,whenyouhaveyourbearings.Inthiscase,itwouldbethesenseofknowingthatsomethingneedstochangeinyourmarriage.Thissenseofknowingdidn’tcomefromthinkingpoorlyaboutyourhusbandanditcertainlydidn’tcomefromfeelingbad.Wisdomnevercomesfromnegativitynorcanitexistwhenyourmindisfilledwithnegativethoughts.Yourwisdomcomesfromquieteningdown,fromdismissingyournegativethoughts–eventhoughthosethoughtspertainedtoyourhusband–andlisteningtoyourinnerknowing.Thisidenticalprocessisalwaysavailabletoyouwhenyouquietendownandopenuptoit.Yourwisdomwillalwaysspeaktoyouifonesimpleconditionismet:dismissallnegativethoughtssurroundingtheissueandquietendown.Theanswerwillbethere.
WilliamJames,thefatherofmodernpsychology,said,‘Wisdomisseeingsomethinginanon-habitualmanner.’Wisdomisseeinganoldprobleminanew,freshway.Whenyoudiscoveryourwisdomyouwillfreeyourselffromyourfixedandhabitualpatternsofthinkingandbeabletonavigateyourselftowardsalifeofhappinessandinnerpeace.Yourwisdomisallyouneed.Itwillbecomethesteeringwheelthattellsyouwhentomoveforwardandwhentotakeastepback,listen,andwaitforananswer.
Wisepeoplethroughouthistoryhavebeenthosewhosawthatwhilelifeis
Wisepeoplethroughouthistoryhavebeenthosewhosawthatwhilelifeisreal,life’sproblemsareanillusion,theyarethought-created.Thesepeopleknowthatwemanufactureandblowproblemswayoutofproportionthroughourownabilitytothink.Theyalsoknowthatifwecanstepoutsidetheboundariesofourownthinking,wecanfindtheanswerwearelookingfor.This,inanutshell,iswisdom:theabilitytoseeananswerwithouthavingtothinkofananswer.Wisdomisthe‘ahha,that’ssoobvious’experiencemostofushavehadmanytimes.Fewpeopleseemtounderstandthatthisvoiceisalwaysavailabletous.
Wisdomisindeedyourinnersenseofknowing.Itistruementalhealth,apeacefulstateofmindwhereanswerstoquestionsareasplentifulastheproblemsyouseewhenyouaren’texperiencingwisdom.It’sasifwisdomliesinthespacebetweenyourthoughts,inthosequietmomentswhenyour‘biologicalcomputer’isturnedoff.Hereisanexample.
Markwas(andis)averyintelligentperson.Hisusualpatternwastothinkandtalkabouthisproblemsinanattempttoovercomethem.Hefeltthatbecausehisproblemswere‘real’,hewasjustifiedintryingtosolvethem.Onthesurfacethisseemsrational,thatis,untilyourealizethatproblemsarethought-related.Inotherwords,theactofthinkingaboutyourproblemsisthemechanismthatkeepsthemaliveandmakesthemseemreal.Toseethisanotherway,trythisexperience.Stopreadingforamomentandthinkofaprobleminyourlife.Thereitis,rightinfrontofyou.Aninterestingquestiontoaskyourselfis:wherewastheproblemamomentago,beforeyouthoughtaboutit?Itwasn’twithyoubecauseyouweren’tthinkingaboutit.Thisdoesn’tmeantherearen’tissuesinyourlifethatneedaddressing,butitdoessuggestthatthoseissuesaren’t‘problems’unlesstheyarepresentinyourmind.
Markfeltheneededacareerchange.Hewasbored,frustrated,disappointedwiththepoliticsofhiscompany,disappointedwithhisco-workers,disappointedwithhispay,andsoforth.Hespentanenormousamountoftimebyhimself,withfriends,hiswife,evenacareercounsellor,discussingandthinkingaboutingreatdetailwhathedidn’tlikeabouthisjob.
Markdesperatelywantedananswer.Hewantedtoknowwhatheshoulddoinstead,whereheshouldturn,whoheshouldtalkto,whathewouldratherbedoing.Eachdayhewouldreviewwhathedidn’tlikeabouthisjob.Then,uponreturninghome,hewouldgooveritagainwithhiswife.Hewasrackinghisbrainforasolution.
Markfelt,asdomostpeople,thatifthoughtscametohismind,heshouldstudyandanalysethemtoseewhathecouldfind.Heexperiencedhisabilityto
thinkassomethingthatwashappeningtohimratherthanassomethingthathewasdoing.Thereis,ofcourse,amajordifferencebetweenthesetwoperceptions.Ifyouperceiveyourthinkingassomethingthatishappeningtoyou,youareavictimofit;thinkingseemstobesomethingthatisimposeduponyouthatrequiresyoutothinkaboutitsomemore.Youbecomesocaughtupinyourownthinkingthatyoulosetheabilitytoaccessyourwisdom.Thisprocessbecomesanendlessloopwherebyyouneverrealizethatyouarelookingforananswerintheveryplacewheretheproblemlies.If,however,youperceivecorrectlythatthinkingissomethingthatoriginateswithinyou,thatthinkingissomethingthatyouaredoing,momenttomoment,thenlifelooksquitedifferent.Inthiscase,youcanseeyourselfastheonedoingthethinking;youcanremaincompletelydetachedfromthecontentofyourthinking,whichenablesyoutogainsomeperspective.Youfindthatinsteadofbeinglostinyourownthoughts,youfeelasenseofspaciousness,balance,andperspective.Youseebeyondtheconfinesofyourthought-createdworldtowhatisreallytrueinthemoment.
Markneededtoknowthatasthoughtscametohismindhehadtheoptionofwhetherornottofollowthosethoughts.Ittooksometimetoconvincehimthatitwasinhisbestinteresttostopthinkingabouttheissueofhiscareeraltogether.Heneededtorediscoverthepositivefeelingsthathadbroughthimintohischosenfieldtobeginwith.Ashedidso,heregainedhisperspectiveandrealizedthat,althoughtherewereaspectsofhisjobthatwerelessthanperfect,itwasinhisbestinteresttopostponehisnewjobsearchuntilhehadcompletedalong-termprojecttowhichhehadcommittedhimself.
AyearlaterMarkrealizedthatthebestdecisionhehadevermadewasnotleavingthefirmatthetimehemostwantedto.Eventuallyhedidleaveit,movingontoarelatedbutbetterjobwithalmosttwicethepay.Hesaidheneverwouldhavebeenabletogethisnewjobifhehadn’tprovedhimselfbycompletingtheprojecthewasworkingonathisoriginalfirm.Mark’sthinkinghadearnedhimonlyagreatdealoffrustration;hiswisdomearnedhimanewjob.
Wisdomisyourhealthyfunctioninginaction.It’satoolthatyoucanusetoguideyouthroughlife.Wisdomismoreusefulandpowerfulthanyour‘normal’thinking.Itcanansweranyquestionyoumayhave.Wheneveryouareconfrontedwithaquestionorproblem,clearyourmind,quietendown,andaskyourwisdomforananswer.Youmaybesurprisedatwhatyoureceive.
Six/ThoughtsGrowwithAttention
Yourpastisnowonlyafigmentofyourimagination,andsoisyourfuture.Theonlymomentthatisrealisrightnow.Asyourecognizethepowerfulpartthatyourthinkingplaysincreatingyourexperienceyoubegintorealizethatlifeisnotresponsibleforyourhappinessorunhappiness,yourthoughtsare.Thisisapowerfulinsightbecauseitsuggeststhatyoualonearecapableofchangingyourownlife.AmericanphilosopherRalphWaldoEmersononcesaid,‘Theancestortoeveryactionisathought.’Youmustrealizethattobecomeahappierperson,youmustfirstimaginethatit’spossible.
Thewayyoufeelisdeterminedbyyourthoughts.Themoreattentionyouputonanythingthatisnegative,theworseyouwillfeel.Again,Iaskthatyouuseyourownwisdomandcommonsensetodecidewhetherornottobelieveme.Despitethepopularideathattalkingaboutandworkingthroughnegativeemotionsisagoodidea,I’msuggestingthatcommonsensedictatesotherwise.Peoplehavebeen‘workingthrough’endlessnegativeemotionsforyearsnow,andveryfewaremuchbetteroffthanwhentheystarted.Thequestionstoaskyourself(andyourtherapist)are:Whendoestheanalysisstop?WhenhaveIhadenough?WhendoIgettofeelbetter?
Ifyoubelievethatyourthoughtsarereal–andyouareencouragedtoworkthroughtheworstofthem–youwillendupwithevenmoretocontendwith,becausethemoreyouthink,thebiggerandmoreimportantthethoughtswillseem,andthemoreofthemtherewillbetodealwith.Becauseyourfeelingsaredeterminedbywhatyouthinkabout,youwill,bynecessity,sinkevenlower.Andunfortunately,becauseyouarefeelinglower,youwillnowthinkevenmorenegativethoughts,newonesthatyounowhaveto‘workthrough’.It’sanendlessnegativespiralthatnevertakesyouupwardtowardswhereyouwanttobe–happy.Thespiralwillendwhenyoudecidethatenoughisenough.Itwillendwhenyoustartwithacleanslate,withaclearmind,andwhenyourealizethattheonlythingholdingyourunhappinessinplaceisyourownthinking.Ifyoureallywanttobehappy,youmuststopfocusingonyournegativefeelings,andstartlookingforthemagicalfeelingofhealthyfunctioningthatresidesinsideyou.
TroubleshootingTroubleshootingisawayoflifeformanypeople.Itmeansbeingonthelookoutforwhat’swrong,findingflaws,seekingoutimperfections,pointingoutpotentialpitfalls,findingfault,generatingconcerns,beingasceptic,andrememberingmistakes.Foracomputerproductthiscanbecrucial;forahumanbeingitcanbedevastating.
Troubleshootingisasociallyacceptableformofmentalillness.Manypeopleareproudoftheirabilitytopredictpotentialproblems,seefaultinothers,andrememberpastmistakes.Theycallthemselves‘realists’.Theyconsidertheirfault-findingskillsnecessaryandimportant.Theyrationalizetheirbehaviourandwayofthinkingbysayingsuchthingsas,‘Youmustlearnfromhistory,’and‘Someonehastolookoutfortheproblems.’
Troubleshootersoftenraisechildrenwithlowself-esteem.Theyaresobusypointingoutthewaysthattheirchildrencouldimprovethattheytotallyforgettoenjoytheirpresence.Thechildrenofteninterprettheirparents’attitudetomeanthattheyarenotgoodenough.Troubleshootershavelowself-esteemthemselves.Ratherthanexperiencingwhatishappeningintheirlives,theyareconstantlythinkingofwaystoimprovetheirexperience.Regardlessofhowgoodthingsget,theyconstantlywantmore.
Atroubleshootercanneverbesatisfiedbecausesheisusingherthinkingagainstherself.Sheistoobusyevaluatingherlifetoenjoyit.Shepicksuptheslightestimperfectionsandturnsthemintoabigdeal.Evenwhenshelikessomething,shecomparesittosomethingelse.
Thereiscertainlynothingwrongwithwantingtoimprove,excel,achieve,orcompare.Butthereissomethingharmfultothehumanpsychewhen,insteadofbeingopenandreceptivetothebeautyoflife,itisoverflowingwithcomparisons,criticisms,suggestions,andthoughtsofimperfections.Lifedoesn’thavetobeacontesttoseehowmanyflawsyoucanfind.Lifecanbebeautiful,anditwillbe,whenyoustartdismissingthethoughtsyouhavethattakeyouawayfromagoodfeelingaboutlife,afeelingofloveandappreciation,yourhealthypsychologicalfunctioning.Insteadoffollowingthetroubleshootingthoughtsyouhave,practiseignoringthem.Ratherthanfollowingthroughwithanunnecessarysuggestiontosomeone,practiseholdingyourtongue.Instead,offeryoursupportfordoingittheirownway.Insteadofanticipatingpotentialproblemsandreviewingpastmistakes,keepyourselfhere,inthismoment.Seeforyourselfhowlivingmomenttomomenttendstotakecareofmostproblems.Remindyourselfthatyourinnerwisdomandhealthyfunctioningwilllearnfrom
history–allbyitself–evenifyoudon’treviewyourmistakesinyourhead.Watchwhathappenswhenyoudismissaconcerninyourmindas‘justathought’.Noticehowveryfewofyourconcernsactuallymanifestintosignificantreal-lifeproblems.Forthoseconcernsthatreallydobecomeproblems,watchhowgracefullyyousolvethemwhenyouremainpresentandfocused,whenyourheadisn’tmuddledwithalotofotherthoughts,relatedornot,thatonlyaddtotheproblem.
Theprocessofatroubleshooter’sthinkingisveryeasytoexplain.Shelooksatsomethingorsomeoneandthoughtsbegintobubble.Thespecificcontentofherthoughtsaren’timportant.Whatendsuphurtingheristhenatureofherthinking,thefactthatherthoughtsareseekingtoimprovetheperson,place,orthing.Ratherthandismissingthosethoughts,asahappierpersonwouldtendtodo,thetroubleshooterpaysattentiontoherthoughts,believingthemtobereal.Becauseshethinksherthoughtsaresoimportant,sheeitherpointsthemouttosomeoneorkeepsthinkingthemtoherself.Thethoughtsfeedononeanotherandbegintotakeonalifeoftheirown.Shefeelsthatshewouldn’thavethoughtthemupiftheyweren’tworthyofconcern.
Ahappypersonmighthavetheverysamethoughtsenterhismind,butthewayhewouldrespondtothosethoughtswouldbequitedifferent.Thethoughtswouldbubbletothesurface.Hewouldthenacknowledgethathewasthinkingthem,dismissthem,andgoonwithhisday.Obviously,ifhiswisdomtoldhimthatanyparticularthoughtsdidhavemerit,andtheissuewasimportant,hewouldchoosetodosomethingaboutthesituation.Hewouldn’t,however,allowhismindtoblowthesituationoutofproportion.Hewouldtapintohishealthyfunctioningasbesthecould,knowingthathiswisdomwouldprovidehimwiththeanswersheneeds.Hewouldrememberagoldenruleofhappiness:it’simpossibletofeelgratitudeforsomethingwhenyouaretoobusytryingtoimproveit.
ThePastTobreakfreefromunhappinessyouhavetobringyourselfbacktothepresent.Youmustrealizethatyourpastisnolongerhere–it’sover.Itexistsonlywithinyourownthinking.Itwasrealthen,butnow,it’sonlyapartofyourimagination.
Fromgenerationtogeneration,eachofushasbeentaughtthatthepastrepresentswhatis,andthatitpredictsthefuture.Apersonwhoispsychologicallysoundandofgoodjudgmentisseentolookcarefullytothepast
psychologicallysoundandofgoodjudgmentisseentolookcarefullytothepastwhenthinkingoffutureplans.Therefore,itmakessensetomostpeopletorecallthepastwhendealingwithsomethinginthepresent.Thistendency,however,whileusefulattimes,canwreakhavoconourrapportwithothers.Italsotakesusawayfromourhealthyfunctioning.
Thetruthisthatmanyarguments,painfulconfrontations,ordifficultsituationsareonlydifficultbecausethepeopleinvolvedarebusythinkingaboutthepastwithoutrealizingtheyaredoingso!Inotherwordstheyarefilteringtheirpresentmomentsthroughthoughtsofthepast.
Onthesurface,almosteveryonerealizesthepastisover.Veryfew,however,internalizethisunderstandingdeeplyenoughtopreventthepastfromhauntingthem.Instead,theyallowthoughtsofthepasttocontaminatethepresent,interferingwiththepresentexperienceofhealthyfunctioning.Ifyoucanrememberthatthepastisonlyamemory,youwillbeabletoignore,toaverylargedegree,thethoughtsofthepastthatgetinthewayofenjoyinglife.Youcanlearnagreatdealfromyourpast,butyouneednotsufferbecauseofit.Yourunderstandingofthoughtwillallowyoutoremainrighthere,inthepresentmoment,wherehappinesscanexist.
Seven/ThoughtSystems
Onceyouhaveaclearunderstandingofthedynamicsofthought–whatitis,who’sdoingit,andwhathappensasaresult–youarereadytolearnexactlywhatitisthatholdsyournegativethinkinginplace,whatkeepsithangingaroundinyourmind.
Allofus,fromthetimeweareinfants,haveanaturaldesiretomakesenseoflife.Werelatefacts,compareevents,andformconclusionsoutofwhatwesee.Thisisaverynaturalprocess;weneedtocreateatleastsomeorderinourlivesandtolearnfromourmistakesandcircumstances.
Thewaywegoaboutmakingsenseofourlivesistoorganizeourthoughtsintowhatiscalleda‘thoughtsystem’.Athoughtsystemisaself-containedthinkingunitthroughwhichweinterprettheworld.Itisalmostlikeapairofsunglassesthatwenevertakeoff,anditisthroughtheseglassesthatweseetherelativesignificanceorlackofitineverythingweareexposedto.Forexample,ifyougrewupinafamilywheretherewasahugeemphasisonmoney,wherevirtuallyeverydinnerconversationcentredaroundthesubject,youwillhavethatinformationstoredinyourthoughtsystem.Youwillthereforebepredisposedtoplacinganenormousemphasisonmoneyyourself.Whenafriendasksyoutogoshoppingwithher,youmightfindyourselfwondering‘HowmuchmoneywillIspend?’or‘HowmuchmoneywillIneedtobring?’Itbecomes‘normal’foryoutolookatlifeinthatparticularway.Becauseyourthoughtsystemisfilledupwithcertaintypesofinformation,yousimplyneverquestionyourownwayoflookingatlife–itjustseemsrighttoyou.
Letmemakeonethingperfectlyclear:there’snothingwrongwithyourthoughtsystem.Thewayitdevelopedwasinnocent.Youweresimplygivenasetoffactsthatwererepresentedas‘truth’,andunlessyouareaveryrareexceptiontothehumanspecies,youboughttheinformation,hook,line,andsinker.Whatelsecouldyoudo?Youwereachildeagertolearnaboutlife.Whenyourparentsandotherimportantrolemodelsgaveyouinformationyouaccepteditastruthful.Overtime,youstoredthisso-calledtruthinyourmemoryuntilyoucouldseelifeinnootherway,allthewhiledevelopingconditionedresponsestocertaininformationthatseemappropriatetoyou.Anexamplecouldbeyourtendencytofeelthreatenedordefensivewhensomeonemakesasuggestionaboutsomethingyou’redoing.Thereisnothinginherentinthewordspeopleusewhentheyspeaktoyouthatmakesyoufeelthisway;it’syour
thoughtsystemthatinterpretsthewordsandgivesthemmeaningtoyou.Overtimeyou(andeveryoneelse)make‘cause-and-effect’relationshipsbetweeneventsandreactionsthatyouconsidernatural.Soinsteadofsayingtoyourself,‘Igetreallydefensiveovernothing,’youwillreactinadefensivewayandthinknothingofit.Everyhumanbeing,nomatterhowwiseorhappysheis,hasatleastsomemade-upcause-and-effectrelationshipsthatshewillcallnormal.Whensomethingupsetsus,itseemslikelytousthatitwouldupsetotherstoo.Ittakesagreatdealofunderstandingandhumilitytorealizethatanupsetcomesfromyourownthinkingandnotfromthethingsyouarethinkingabout.Ittakesagreatdealofwisdomtorealizethatyourconditionedresponsesarejustthat–theyareconditioned,theyarelearned,theyaremadeupfromyourownthinking.
Tocompoundtheproblem,thoughtsystemshaveaverystrong,almostinsidioustendencytovalidatethemselves.Becauseyourthoughtsystemisfilledwithinformationfromyourownpast,itlooksforexamplestoprovetoitselfthatitis‘right’.Let’ssupposethatyougrewupinafamilywhereitwasreadilyacceptedthatpeopleweregenerallyselfish.Yourparentswerealwayspointingoutpeople’sfaults,badhabits,self-centredtendencies,andsoon.Ifthisbeliefwasinyourthoughtsystem,youwouldtendtonoticepeoplepushingandshovinginqueues,stealingfromoneanother,andbeinglessthangiving.If,ontheotherhand,yougrewupinafamilywhereitwastaughtthatpeoplearegenerallykindtooneanother,andthisbeliefwasingrainedinyourthoughtsystem,youwouldhaveanentirelydifferentoutlookonlife.Youwouldtendtonoticethegoodinpeople,thekindthingsthatpeopledoforoneanother,thewaythatpeoplebandtogetheraftertraumaticevents,andsoforth.
NoticethatIusethewordtendindescribingwhatyouseeasaresultofyourthoughtsystem.It’snotthatyouwouldneverseethegoodinpeopleifyouweretaughttoseethebad,orthatyouwouldneverseethebadifyouweretaughttheopposite,it’sjustthatyouwouldbepredisposedtonoticethatwhichyouweretaught.
Whenyoulookatitobjectively,youcanseetheinnocenceinthedevelopmentofathoughtsystem.Youcantraceyourownthoughtsystembackmanygenerationstoyourgreatgreatgrandparents,andwellbeforethem.Inarealsense,youseethatwhichyouweretaughttosee.Overtime,andthroughmanyyearsofvalidationandselectiveperceptionbasedonwhatyouweretaught,youmadeaseriesofconclusionsaboutlife.Thesumtotalofallofyourconclusionscanbecalledyourattitude.
Yourattitudeaboutlifecanbesummarizedasaseriesofthoughtsthatyouhavecometobelieveastruth.Thereisnothingholdingyourattitudeinplace
havecometobelieveastruth.Thereisnothingholdingyourattitudeinplaceotherthanyourownthinking.Yourattitudeisnotinyourgenes.Ifitwere,yourattitudewouldbesimilartoothermembersofyourfamilyinthesamewaythathairoreyecolourusuallyis.Attitudeisnotduetoyourcircumstances.Ifitwere,positiveattitudeswouldbetiedtopositivecircumstancesandnegativeattitudeswouldbetiedtodifficultcircumstances.Weallknowthisisn’tthecase.Therearemanyexamplesofpeoplewholiveinwhatseemtobeeasycircumstanceswhoactasthoughtheyarevictims,andthereareequalnumbersofpeoplewhoappeartohavenothingatall,yetseemtobedelightedbynothingmorethanthegiftoflife.
Becauseoftheself-validatingnatureofyourthoughtsystem,youwillalwaysbetemptedtocontinuethinkinginthewaythatyouareaccustomed.Afterall,youarepredisposedtoacertainwayofthinking.Butbeingpredisposeddoesn’thavetomeanyoufallintothetrap.Therearemanypeoplewhoarepredisposedtobeingoverweightwhoarethin;manywhoarepredisposedtocertainillnesseswhonevergetsick;andthousandswhoarepredisposedtounhappinesswhoarehappy,productivepeople.Onceyouseehowlittlethereisholdingyourthinkinginplace,youcanbegintodistrustyourownthoughts.Yourthoughtsarenotbasedonabsolutetruth;theyarecontaminatedbyyourthoughtsystem–yourindividualversionoflife–inthesamewaythatmythoughtsarecontaminatedbymyindividualversionoflife.
Thedifferencebetweenahappypersonandanunhappypersonlies,toaverylargedegree,intheirhumility.Ahappypersonisabletoadmittohimselfthatthewayheseeslifeisn’tsetinstone.It’snotthatthewayheseeslifehasnomerit,butahappypersonunderstandsthathisattitudeisself-made.Inotherwords,itisbasedsolelyonselectiveperceptionandlearnedexperience.Anunhappyperson,ontheotherhand,isfarmorestubborn.Heiscertainthathisthinkingreallymeanssomethingandheisdeterminedtoproveit.Hewillshowyou(attheexpenseofhisownwell-being)thatlifereallyisasbadashesaysitis.Hewillpointtoendlessexamplestoprovehispositionand,ofcourse,hewillberight.
Becauseyourthoughtsystemissofamiliartoyou,itwillalwaysseemtobegivingyouaccurateinformationaboutthewaylifereallyis.Whenyourthoughtsystemtellsyou,‘Lifeisn’tverygood’oranyotherself-defeatingmessage,itwillseemtobetellingyouthetruth.Ittakesaverystrongandwisepersontodistrusthisownthinking.Thegoodnewsisthatwhenyoustoppayingattentiontoyourthoughtsystem,andwhenyouaren’tusingyourabilitytothinkagainstyourself,youareleftwithyourhealthypsychologicalfunctioning.Becausehealthyfunctioningisyourmostnaturalstateofmind,allyouhavetodois
healthyfunctioningisyourmostnaturalstateofmind,allyouhavetodoisavoidthementalprocessesthatinterferewithhealthyfunctioning.
Imaginethatyouhadahugecorkatthebottomoftheseaandyouletgoofit.Whatwouldhappen?Thecorkwouldshootstraightup,naturallyrisingtothesurfaceunlesssomethinggotinitsway.Inthecaseofacork,itmightbeseaweed,coral,orrocksthatprohibiteditfromreachingitsfinaldestination.
Yourhealthyfunctioningisjustlikethatcorkexceptthatitresidesatthecentreofyourbeing.Yourhealthyfunctioningwantsnothingmorethantospringtothesurfaceintheformofhighself-esteemandahappylife.Yourhealthyfunctioningwilldojustthatunlesssomethinggetsinitsway–andtheonlypotentialsourceofinterferenceisyournegativethinking.Disregardthenegativethoughtsyouhaveaboutyourselfandyourhealthyfunctioningwillbegintofulfilitsmission.
EgoTheconceptofegoisverycloselyrelatedtothatofathoughtsystem.Botharethought-created.Thetruthisthathumanbeingsdon’tevenhaveegos–thereisnosuchthing.Peopleonlyhaveegosbecausetheythinktheydo.Youregoisyourideaorthoughtsaboutwhoyouare.Thepopularnotionthatpeopleneedanegotoliveandsucceedinlifeisuntrue.Wecanonlybegintoappreciatewhowetrulyarewhenwelessenourneedtoproveourselves.Asweletgoofourthoughtsofwhoweare,ourinsecuritybeginstolift.Itisthenthatwecanbegintoliveoutsideourthoughtsystemorego.Itisthenthatweconnectwithourhealthyfunctioning.
Asapersondropsinsecurethinkingpatterns,hebeginstoexperiencehisnaturalfeelingofself-esteem,thefeelingofgratitudeforwhatweareratherthanwhatwearedoing.Withoutthepressureofhavingtomaintainourego(whowethinkweare),wearemoreabletorelaxandenjoywhateverwehappentobedoingatthemoment.Wefindthatweareabletobetouchedbythelittlethingsinlifethatweusedtooverlook.Wealsobegintonoticethatwefeelthehappiestwhenwethinkaboutourselvestheleastoften.
Don’tbeconcernedthatasyoudropyouregofromyourlifeyouwillbecomepassiveorapathetic,becauseyouwon’t.Infact,justtheoppositewillhappen.Asyoufreeyourselffromthebondageofyourlimitingbeliefstructure,youbecomefarmoreinterestedinlifeandallithastooffer.Droppingyouregoallowsyoutoseenewoptionsandalternativesthatwerepreviouslyinvisible.Forexample,ifyoudroptheideaaboutyourselfthatyouareashyperson,youmightfindthatyoureallydoliketocommunicatewithotherpeople.Aclientofminerecentlydecidedtodojustthis,andshehasjustplannedthefirstpartyshehaseverhosted.Ifyoubegintoignore,evenalittle,thethoughtsyouhaveaboutwhatyoulikeanddon’tlike,youmightbewillingtotrynewthings,gotoaneveningclass,startanexerciseprogramme,eatatanewrestaurant.Itallstartsfromthewillingnesstoseeyourselfasmorethanwhatyouhavedefinedyourselftobe.
Fredisa45-year-oldmanwhosewifediedofcancer.Heenteredtherapybecausehefeltthathehadmourneddeeplyandforalongtimethelossofhiswife,andnowhewantedtofeelhappyagain.Hefoundhistherapistthroughthephonebook.Hewasquicklydiagnosedbyhistherapistas‘chronicallydepressed’.Unfortunately,Freddeeplyrespecteddoctorsandheacceptedthisdiagnosisintheabsolutesenseoftheword.Tohim,‘chronic’meant‘forever’.
diagnosisintheabsolutesenseoftheword.Tohim,‘chronic’meant‘forever’.Hebeganthinkingofhimselfasdepressedandenteredasupportgroupfordepressedpeoplewhowishedtosharetheirexperiences.Fred’snextyearwasverypainful.Hisself-imagewasbuiltonafoundationofthoughtsabouthimselfasdepressed.Helookedforandfoundevidencetosupportthisdiagnosis.Herememberedincidentsfromhispastwhenhehadbeendepressed.Hebecameisolatedfromsocietyandhidhimselfinhishomeforfearthathisdepressionmightgetworse.
ThenFredcametoseeme.Fredhadneverbeentoldthathisownthoughtswereshapinghisviewofhimselfandhisattitudetowardlife.Hisearliertherapyhadconvincedhimthathewasavictimofdepression,whichhewouldhavetofightfortherestofhislife.Hisowninterpretationofhisdiagnosislefthiminlittledoubtthathisdoctorwasright.Themorehethoughtaboutdepressiontheworsehefelt,whichonlyconvincedhimandhistherapistthattheoriginaldiagnosiswascorrect.
Inoursessionstogether,Fredlearnedhowhisthoughtsshapedhisperceptionsandledtohisfeelings.Hequicklycametothecorrectconclusionthathehadbeenfightinganimpossiblebattle.‘HowcouldIeverfeelbetter,’heasked,‘bybelievingmythoughtsaboutmyselfasachronicallydepressedperson?’Herealizedthathehadbeentrappedwithintheconfinesofhisownthinking,yethewasattemptingtousethatsamethinkingtogetawayfromhisdepression.Thiswouldbelikeusingmatchestoputoutafire.
ThissimplerealizationledFredtoaseriesofinsightsintohisownthoughtsystem.Herealizedthathehadbeenusinghisownthinkingagainsthimselfhisentirelifetimeandhadrarelyquestionedhisbeliefs.Herealizedthathehadunknowinglylivedhislifecompletelyabsorbedinthecontentofhisownthoughts.Today,Fredlivesanordinarylifeasahappy,productiveperson.
Eight/ChoicePoints
Lifecanbeseenasacontinuingseriesof‘choicepoints’.Thesumofourdecisionsregardingthedirectionwetakewithourchoicepointswilldetermine,toaverylargeextent,thewaywefeel.
Achoicepointisanisolatedmomentintimewhenyouhaveanopportunitytochoosebetweenyourhealthyfunctioning(thepathofloveandcontentment)andthepathof‘thinkingitthrough’.Thefollowingchartdescribesthetwopaths:
Everytimeathoughtentersyourmind,orsomethinghappensinyourlife,it’sanewopportunityforyou.Doyoutakethepathofhealthyfunctioning,ordoyoutaketheroadofpain?Howareyougoingtorespond?Isitworthgivingupyourmentalhealthandhappinesstofollowapathofpain,ofthinkingitthrough,simplybecauseyouarefamiliarwithit?Thesearetheimportantquestionsthatmustbeaddressedifyouwanttostopfollowingthepaththatultimatelyleadsto
unhappinessanddepression.Let’ssupposeyourfathersayssomethingthatyouwishhehadn’t–thisisa
choicepoint.Yoursinkstartsleakingforthethirdtimethismonth–anotherchoicepoint.Yourspousecriticizesthewayyouhandlethefamilybudget–anotherone.Ineachoftheseexamples,andtensofthousandsofotherslikethem,youhaveamomentinwhichadecisionmustbemade.
Ifyourfathersayssomethingyouwishhehadn’t,youcantakethepathofthinkingitthrough.Youcanthinktoyourself,‘Whydidhesaythattome?’(gettingtothebottomofit)and‘Itmakesmefuriouswhenhedoesthat’(choosinganger).Youcanthendwellonwhathesaid,thinkofallthereasonshesaidit,andallthethingsyouwouldliketosaytohimifyou‘hadtheguts’.Youcangetreallyintoit.Youcantalkaboutit,thinkaboutitsomemore,expressyouranger,figureitout,andeventalktoatherapistabouthowitmakesyoufeel.Isthisroadjustified?Itisifyouwantittobe.Youmust,however,becomeconsciousofexactlywherethisroadisgoingtotakeyou.Theextenttowhichyoufollowthispathwilldeterminejusthowbadyouwillfeel.Thereasonsomanypeoplesticktothispathisbecausetheyknowofnoother.Whentheyareonthispath,theyfeelbad,andbecausetheyfeelbad,itseemsasthoughtheworldiscausingtheirmisery,sotheythinkaboutitsomemore.Thetendencyhereistoimaginethatifyouthinkitthroughthoroughlyenough,youwillsomehowfeelbetter,andaviciouscyclecontinues.Butfeelingbetterisnotapartofthispath.Onthispathyouareputtingyourattentionandenergyontheproblemoronwhatyoudon’tlikeaboutyourlife.Thisisnotasourceofsatisfactioninyourlife.
Idon’tmeantosuggest,however,thatthispathisneverappropriate.Sometimesyoureallydoneedtothinkthingsthrough,analyse,compare,andeven‘gettothebottomofit’.Sometimesitisappropriatetogetangryandexpressyourfeelings.Butthisisnotoftenthewaytogoifwhatyouarelookingforishappiness.
Thepathofhealthyfunctioningisnothingmorethannottakingthepathofthought.Whenyou’reonthepathofhealthyfunctioningyouhaveabuilt-inprotectionagainstdepression–whileknowingexactlywhatwillhappenifyougotheotherway.Choosingthepathofmentalhealthisadecisiontorespondtolifeinawaythatallowsafeelingofhappinesstopermeateyourlife,insteadofreactingtoeverynegativethoughtthatentersyourmind.
Let’sreturnforamomenttoourexampleofyourfathersayingsomethingtoyouthatyouwishhehadn’t.Ifyouweretochoosethepathofhealthy
functioning,thisiswhatyouwoulddo:assoonasyourheadbegantofillupwithnegativethoughtsandquestionsaboutyourfatherandhismotives,youwouldimmediatelyrecognizethatyouwerethinking!Thatrecognitionalonewouldalertyoutothefactthatyouwerenowatriskofusingyourownthinkingagainstyourself.Youwouldbeginmonitoringyourownthinking,notallowingyourheadtofillupwithnegativethoughts.Asnegativethoughtsenteredyourmind,youwoulddismissthem.Youwouldknowthatallowingyourselftofocusonthenegativethoughtswouldonlyhurtyou–itwouldtakeyouawayfromyourhealthyfunctioning.Here’sthebenefittoyou:witheachnegativethoughtthatyoudismissedfromyourmind,anicerfeelingwithinyouwouldtakeitsplace.Asyoufeltbetter,youwouldregainyourperspectiveandyouwouldknowexactlywhattodonext.Youwouldeithertakesomeactionsuchasdiscussingtheissuewithyourfatherwithacalmandlovingattitude,oryouwouldsimplydismisshiscommentsanddecidethatit’sreallynotthatimportant.Thisentireprocessonlytakesasecondanditallstemsfromknowingthatyouhaveachoice.Eachtimeyoupractisethisconsciouschoice-makingyouwillgetbetteratchoosingyourhealthyfunctioning–andyouwilldecidethatfeelinggoodisworththechoice.
YourFeelingsYourfeelingsarewithyou,nottobestudiedanddealtwith,buttoletyouknowthatyouareatanotherchoicepoint.Youcanusethischoicepointasanopportunitytobecomemoreconscious,moreloving,andhappier.Youcanuseittosolidifyyourfaithinyourhealthyfunctioning,oryoucanignorethefactthatyouareatachoicepointandreacttoyourfeelingsasiftheywereyourenemy,somethingtofear.
Yourfeelingsareyourtipoff,yourinternalwarningsignalthatyouareonthewrongpath.Ifyourfeelingisnegative,ittellsyouthatit’stimetoredirectyourenergyandattentiontowardsyourhealthyfunctioning.Thisiswhereanunderstandingthatyouhavehealthyfunctioningbecomescritical.Ifyouknowthatthereisapartofyourselfthatisneverdepressed,neverunhappy,ever-understanding,andfilledwithcompassiontowardsyourself,itputsyouinapositiontodirectyourenergyandattentiontowardsthatpart.Withoutthisknowledge,findingyourhappinessisalotlikewashingyourclothesindirtywater.Youcan’tfindhappinesswithinyourunhappiness–youmustlookforitinaplacebeyondyourthinkingmind.
Whenyouunderstandthatyouhavechoicepoints,youcanfeelanegativeemotionsuchasanger,butatthesamemomentyoucanbefullyawarethatanotherpartofyourselfwouldprefertorespondwithloveandpeaceinsteadofanger.Whenyoubecomegroundedinthistruth,youwillbegintolookforthisbetterfeelingeveninthemidstofyournegativity.Themorecertainyouarethatyourhealthyfunctioningdoesexist,independentofyourdepression,themorepatientandpersistentyouwillbeinyoursearch.Likeatreeinaforestreachingforsunshine,youwillseekoutapartofyouthatispeaceful.Andwhenyoufindthatpartofyourself,nomatterhowsmallitmaybe,youwillputallofyourattentiononthatfeeling,thusgivingitwhatitneedstogrowanddevelop.
Choicepointafterchoicepointyouwillbecomestrongerandmorecommittedtoyourownhealthyfunctioning.Eachtimeyouchoosehappinessovernegativityyouwillbealittlebitclosertoconqueringyourdepression.Thisisnotaneasypathtotakebecausehabitsarehardtobreak.Butlookatyouroptions–theyarenoteasyeither.Ifinsteadofbecomingawareofyourchoicepointsandchoosingloveovernegativityyoucontinueusingyourthinkingagainstyourself,youwillcontinuetolivealifeofpain.
Everymomentofyourlifeisanotherchoicepoint,anotherforkintheroad.Evenwhenyouarefeelinggood,youareatachoicepoint.Youcould,afterall,makeadifferentchoiceandfocusyourattentiononnegativity.Youprobablywouldn’tdothisintentionally,butyoumightdoitpreciselybecauseyourlifeis
wouldn’tdothisintentionally,butyoumightdoitpreciselybecauseyourlifeisanongoingseriesofchoicepoints.
AnExampleofChoicePointsintheWorkPlaceAnexcellentexampleofhowyoucanusechoicepointsinyourlifecomesfromaclientofminewhocametomeforstressmanagementthatrelatedtoherjob.Shemanagedadivisionofalargecompanyandwasresponsibleforoverseeingtheactivitiesofafewdozenemployees.Theproblemwasthis:everysingledayshewouldbecomeoverwhelmedbythestress.Shewouldreacttoherangryandfrustratedthoughtsandendedupalienatingheremployees.Thishappenedsooftenthatheremployeesactuallybecamefrightenedbythesightofher.Theyfeltdistantandresentful.Productionwasfallingandeveryoneintheofficewasfrustrated.
Whenmyclientlearnedthatherownthinkingwasthesourceofherfrustration,shebegantoseeherchoicepoints.Shelearnedthatshecouldchoosetofollowherangrytrainsofthought,orshecouldrecognizewhatwashappeningandwaitforittopass.Inherownwords,‘Ibegantoseehowoftenangrythoughtswouldfillmyhead.Ilearnedthatinsteadofreactingtothosethoughts,IcouldsimplytakeadeepbreathanddothebestIcouldtoclearmymind.IknewthatifIdidn’tengagemyselfinthethoughtsIwashavingtheywouldbegintodissipate.AsmynegativethoughtsdisappearedIwouldregainmyperspectiveandsenseofwell-beingandeverythingwouldbeOKagain.Tobehonestwithyou,tothisdaysomeofthesamethoughtsIalwayshadstillentermymind–thedifferencenowisthatIknowtheyareonlythoughts.Ihaveadifferentkindofrelationshiptothem.Idon’thavetoreacttothemanymoresimplybecausetheyareinmyhead.’
Myclientlearnedhowtofeelwhenherself-destructivethoughtswereenteringandfillingherhead.Shelearnedtodetectthisfeelingearlierandearliersothattheaccumulationwouldn’tgetveryfar.Sheknewthatherchoicepointwasthatmomentwhenshefirstfeltthenegativityarising.Shecould,ofcourse,choosetoengageherthoughts,whichsomanypeopledo,andbecomemorefrustratedandfurtherloseherperspective,orshecouldtakeabreath,dismissherthoughtsandwaitforamorepeacefulfeelingtoreturn.Needlesstosay,heremployeesnoticedasignificantchange.Theywerenolongerfrightened.Productionwentup,infact,higherthanithadeverbeenbefore.Asimportant,myclientbegantoenjoyherjobandthepeoplesheworkedwithagain.Shealsolearnedthatthesamepracticeappliestoeverypartofherlife,notjusthercareer.
Shelearnedtouseherchoicepointsinherrelationshipswithherhusband,herchildren,andherfriends.
It’simportanttoknowthatmyclientwasnotsweepingproblemsunderthecarpet.Onthecontrary,shewaslearningtodealwithproblemsinamoreproductiveway.Everyonemakesbetterdecisionsandsolvesproblemsmoreefficientlywhentheyarenotimmobilizedbytheirownthinking.Tryitforyourself.Thenexttimeyoufeelyourselfreactingtoyourownthoughts,dismissthem.Clearyourmindandsearchforyourhealthyfunctioning.Don’tworry,theproblemwillstillbethere,butyouwillnoticehowmucheasieritistodealwithanyproblemwhenyouhaveyourbearingsandkeepyourperspective.Manyproblemsthatoncefeltlikeemergencieswillnowseemlikeminorirritations.
Nine/TheThinkingHabit
Whetheryou’retryingtostopdrinkingalcoholorsmokingcigarettes,cuttingbackonyoureating,tryingtoeliminatecoffeeorsugar,orsimplytryingtostopbitingyourfinger-nails,allhabitsarehardtobreak!Butthehabitthatisthemostdifficulttobreak,andthatisthemostharmfultoyouremotionalstate,isperhapsthehabitthatgoesmostunnoticed:thehabitofthinkingnegatively.Youcantieyourhandsbehindyourbacktopreventyourselffrombitingyournails,youcanisolateyourselffromalcoholorcigarettessothattheyarenotavailabletoyou,youcanwithstandafewdaysofheadachesandtirednesstogetawayfromcoffee,butyoucanneverstopthinking!
Asyouhavealreadyseen,thinkingissonaturaltoyouthatit’sveryeasytoforgetthatyouaredoingit.Whenyoustarttorecognizethatyouareactivelythinking,youwillbeshockedathowoftenthecontentofyourthinkingisnegative.Ihavebeentoldbymyownclientsthatoncetheystartedpayingattention,theyfoundthatover90percentoftheirthinkingwasinsomewaynegative.
WhatKindofThinkingIsNegative?Thisisaveryimportantquestionbecausemanypeoplearesousedtothinkingnegativelythattheydon’tevenrealizeit’snegative.Instead,theyassumeit’snormal.Thefactis,however,thatanythinkingthatmakesyoufeellesscontentedthanbeforeyoustartedyourtrainofthoughtcanbeconsiderednegative.Thisincludes,butisbynomeanslimitedto,thoughtsrelatedtohowbadthingsare,thenumberofproblemsleftunsolved,tryingtofigureoutwhysomethingisn’trightorwhysomeonedidsomethingthathurtyouorthatdoesn’tmeetwithyourapproval,anykindofmentalnegativedialogue,andsoon.
Mostofusareusedtoreading,watching,orlisteningtothenewsreportsoftheday.Ourthinkingtendstomimicthesereports.Ourmindsreviewpastandfutureproblems,ourconcernsandworries,andwespeculateabouthowbadthingsreallyare.Obviously,someplanningandreviewareneededforaneffectivelife.Ifyouareconsciousofthefactthatyouareengagedinthesementalactivities,andyouknowthelikelyconsequencesofsuchmentalactivity,youaretoalargedegreeprotectedfromtheirnegativeeffects.Butifyouengageyourselfinthesementalactivitieswithoutrealizingwhatyouaredoingto
yourselfinthesementalactivitieswithoutrealizingwhatyouaredoingtoyourself,youaregoingtobeatthemercyofyourownthinking.Becausethistypeofthinkingisnegative,yourspiritswillcontinuetodroporremainlow.Onceyouunderstandandareabletowitnessthisdynamicinaction,youcanthenchoosewhichtrainsofthoughttofollowandwhichonestoignore.Youwillcreateanewhabitofthinkingonlyaboutthosethingsthataretrulyusefulandyouwilllearntoignoretheothers.
Thistypeofselectivethinkingisnotdenial,norisitapathy.Denialmeanspretending,andyouarenotpretendinganything.Youareacknowledgingtheproblemsintheworldandtheproblemsinyourownlife.Youaresimplychoosingnottodwellonthenegativethoughtsyouhaveaboutlifebecauseyouknowwhatwillhappenifyoudo.
Yourexperienceoflifeisdirectlyrelatedtowhereyouchoosetofocusyourattention.Ifyoufocusonyourthoughtsofproblems,yourexperienceoflifewillconsistmainlyofproblems.Asyoulearntomoveyourfocusofattentionawayfromtheproblems.andwrongsoftheworldandyourlife,youwillfindyourselfnoticingmorebeautyandkindness.Thisisexactlywhatsmallchildrendoonaregularbasis.Theyliveinthesameworldthatadultsdo,it’sjustthattheynoticedifferentaspectsoflife.Theyseehumour,compassion,andopportunities.
YouCanChooseLoveInsteadofFearAsIexplainedinchapter8,eachtimenegative,pessimistic,orscepticalthoughtsenteryourmind,youareatanewchoicepointinyourlife.Youcanchoosetofollowyournegativetrainofthought(yournegativeinternaldialogue)asyouhavedoneinthepast.Thisisthepaththatmanypeopletake,mostofthetime.Italwaysseemslikeareasonablethingtodobecauseithappenssoquicklyandbecauseitissofamiliartoyou.Infact,asyouhavealreadyseen,rarelydoyouevenknowtheinternaldialogueisgoingon.Anexampleofthiswouldbethefollowing.Aseriesofthoughtsentersyourmindabouthowangryyourparents(boss,children,spouse)aregoingtobewithyoubecauseofsomethingyouhavedone.Youplayitoutinyourheadanditmakesyouangry.Inyourmind,youstarttojustifyyourpositiontoyourparent(orwhomever)and,again,youplayitouttosomeconclusion.Ofcourse,asyoudothis,youarefeelingthenegativeeffectsofyourthinkingwithoutevenknowingthatyourthinkingiscausingyouharm.Theusualresponsetothisself-inducedpainistoblameyourlifeandthepeopleinitforthedissatisfactionyouarefeeling.
Thereisanotherway.Yourchoicepointisthatmomentwhenyourinternaldialoguebegan.Youhadabriefmomenttodecide,‘DoIfollowthistrainof
dialoguebegan.Youhadabriefmomenttodecide,‘DoIfollowthistrainofthought,ordoIchoosetostayinafeelingoflove?’
Whatdoesitmeanto‘chooselove’?Thismeansthatyoudecidethatfeelingpeaceandcontentmentismoreimportanttoyouthanbeingright.Itmeansinstantresolutionratherthanongoingstruggle.Itmeansfeelinghappyinsteadoffeelingfrustrated.Choosingtofollowthepathoflovemeansyouunderstandthatthesimple,peacefulfeelingofyourownhealthyfunctioningisenoughforyou–itrepresentseverythingyouultimatelywantinyourlife.Lifedoesn’tgetanybetterthanthesimpleexperienceofyourownmentalhealth.Theonlyrationaleforchoosingtofollowanegativetrainofthoughtwouldbesomemisconceptiononyourpartthatdoingsowouldbringyousomesortofsatisfaction.Itwon’t!Thesatisfactionyouarelookingforisavailabletoyouonlywhenyouconsciouslydecidethatyouwantpeaceofmindatthatmomentandthatyouarewillingtogiveupthethoughtsthatkeepyoufromit.Theonlythingyouhavetodotodiscoveryourhealthyfunctioningistodropthethinkingthatisgettingintheway.
Choosingloveisnotdenial.Whatareyoudenyingotherthanthesourceofyourownpain?Nothing.Youareconsciouslydecidingnottofeedtheonlyfuelyourpainhastoeat.Whenyoustopfeedingyournegativethinking,youremotionalpaindisappears,andwiththedisappearancecomesanewfeelingwithinyou,thefeelingofyourhealthypsychologicalfunctioning,thefeelingoflove.Whenyouchooseloveinsteadoffear,youwillstopfightingyourownthinkingandyouwillfeelgoodagain.Sometimesitwillseemeasiertofollowyourbadfeelingsthantofindthegoodones.Nevertheless,youcanchoosetolookfor,andstaywith,thedeeper,morepositivefeelingsthatexistwithinyou.
Thisconsciouschoosingisverypractical–butitisn’talwayseasy.Itdoesn’tjusthappen–youhavetomakeithappen.Youhavetowantittohappenmorethanyouwanttofollowthoseseductivetrainsofthoughtthataresofamiliartoyou.Thegoodnewsisthatthisisallyouhavetodo!Onceyoumakethisdecisionandmakeitatoppriorityinyourlife,therestwillfallintoplace.
Oneoftheniceby-productsofconsciouslychoosingloveinsteadoffearisthattherecurringissuesinyourlifebegintoresolvethemselves.Eachtimeyouhaveanopportunitytochooseloveinsteadoffear–andyoumakethatchoice–youarefeedinganewkindofenergyinyourlife,apositiveandlovingkindofenergy.
Followingeverynegativetrainofthoughtthatentersyourmindisthe‘old’energyyouarereplacing.Thisoldenergy,filledwithnegativity,iswhatkepttheissuesinplaceforsolong.Howareyougoingtoavoidhavingargumentswithyourparent,spouse,child,orbossifyourmindisfilledwithnegativity?You
yourparent,spouse,child,orbossifyourmindisfilledwithnegativity?Youwon’t.Insteadyouwillplayouttheproblemsandconflictsinyourmind,thenmanifesttheminyourlife.Ifyouarelikemostpeople,youwillbefrustratedbecausethesamethingswillkeephappeningtoyou.Thisisthecyclethatneedstobebroken.Thewaytobreakitistoseethechoicepointsinyourlifeandthenfollowthepathtowardsyourhealthyfunctioning.
Janiewasintroducedtotheconceptofchoicepointstheveryfirsttimeshevisitedmyoffice.Herhusbandwasaworkaholicwhohadlittletimeorenergyleftforher.Janiewasangryandresentful,andfeltjustifiedinherfeelings.Oneofthefirstthingsshetoldmewas,‘Anyoneinmysituationwouldbeequallyupset.’
Priortocomingtoseeme,Janiethoughtthebestwaytoovercomehernegativefeelingswastotalktosomeoneaboutthem.Almosteverydayshewouldmeetafriendforlunchtotalkaboutherfrustrations.And,likeclockwork,everydayshewouldfinishlunchfeelingresentful.
Janiediscoveredsomethingsurprising.Theonlytimesshewasreallyupsetaboutherhusbandwerethetimesshewasactivelythinkingabouthislonghours.Shehadassumedthatshewasalwaysupsetbecausewhenevertheissuecametohermind,itmadeherangry.Forthemostpart,however,shewastooinvolvedinherownlifetobeconcernedaboutherhusband’sschedule.Shehadacareerofherown.Shealsoenjoyedexercisingatahealthclubaswellasvolunteeringforalocalorganization.Forthemostpart,whileshewasinvolvedinherdailyactivities,shewasquitecontent.
Janielearnedthatwhenthoughtsofherhusband’soverworkingcametohermind,shewasataveryimportantchoicepoint.Onedirection,thinkingabouthislonghoursandhowworkalwayscamefirst,wouldtakeherstraighttowardsherresentfulfeelings.Themoreresentfulshefelt,themoreshewouldanalysehowhisscheduleaffectedherlife,whichwouldsendherintoatailspinoffrustration.Theotherdirection,thedirectionofwarmlovingfeelings,wouldleadherstraighttowardsgratitude.Takingthisdirectioninvolvedrecognizingshewasbeginningtothinknegativelytowardsherhusband,knowingwhatwouldhappenifsheweretocontinue,andchoosingtodropherthoughtsabouttheissue.Shequicklylearnedthatfeelingwarmtowardsherhusbandeveninhisabsence,greatlyimprovedthequalityofherlife.
Interestinglyenough,Janiewasabletotakeherunderstandingandimplementit,notonlyduringtheday,butalsowhenshewaswithherhusband.
Shefoundthatsheappreciatedthetimeshedidhavewithhimfarmorethansheusedto.Herhusbandrespondedbeautifullytoherwarmingfeelingandthetwoofthemarespendingfarmoretimetogetherthantheyeverhave.Youhavehundredsofchoicepointseveryday.Infact,youareatachoicepointrightnow,thisverymoment,asyoureadthissentence.Doyoufollowyourscepticalthoughtslike,‘Thiscan’twork,’ordoyouusethischoicepointtoyouradvantage,togrowandtochangeandtobecomehappier?Withintention,youcandetectyourownscepticalthoughtsastheyform,andsimplydropthem,comingbacktoyourhealthyfunctioning.Thismomentcanbeanewbeginningforyou.Choosethepathofloveinsteadofthepathoffearandyourlifewillbegintochangerightnow!
HowCanYouTellHowMuchofYourOwnThinkingIsNegative?Startbysittinginachairandclosingyoureyes.Clearyourmindasmuchasyoucan.Sitquietlyforafewminutesandsimplypayattentiontowhatcomestoyourmind.
Startpayingattentiontowhatyouarethinkingaboutduringvarioustimesoftheday–whenyouwakeup,whileyouareeating,brushingyourteeth,gettingreadytogoout,sittingalone,drivingyourcar,orridingonthebus,whileyouarewalking,rightnow,andsoon.
Youareundoubtedlygoingtobesurprisedathowoftensomeformofnegativitycomestoyourmind.Youwillprobablythinkofproblems,concerns,thingsthatneedtobedonethatyoureallydon’twanttodo,thingsthatmighthappen,thingsthatmightnothappen,thingsthatshouldn’thappen,thingsthatdidhappenthatyouwishhadn’thappened,thingsyoushouldhavesaid,wantedtosay,didn’twanttosay,thingsthatotherpeoplesaidthatbotheredyou,thingsthatotherpeopledidthatbotheredyou,peoplewhodidn’tactasyouthoughttheyshould,andonandonandon!
Asyoubegintotakenoteofwhatyouthinkaboutalldaylong,pleasebeeasyonyourself.AsIsaid,thinkinginthiswayisahabit.Likeallhabits,itwasn’tformedovernight.Ittookyearstodevelopanditmaytakealittletimetobreak.
Iamnotsuggestingthatit’sneverappropriatetothinknegativelyorthatit’sneverOKtowhineorcomplain–youcertainlyhavethatright,andalittleisn’tgoingtokillyou.WhatIamsuggestingisthatmostpeople–probablyyourselfincluded–spendanexorbitantamountoftimeengagedinnegativethinking
included–spendanexorbitantamountoftimeengagedinnegativethinkingwithoutevenrealizingit.Youhaveagreatdealofinternaldialoguegoingoninyourmindthatdoesn’tseemlikeanythingatallbecauseyouaresoaccustomedtoit–andforthisreasonit’shardtostop.Also,it’shumannaturetowanttoimproveyourlife.Aslongasyourlifeisn’tperfect,youranalyticalmindandyouregowillalwaysbesearchingforwaysthatyoucanimprove.Yourthinkingmindwillconstantlyremindyouthatyouaren’tgoodenough.Nomatterhowhardyoutry,youregowillneverbesatisfiedwithwhatyoucomeupwith.
Obviously,thecircumstancesinyourlifewillneverbeperfect,soifyoubelievethatthinkingaboutwaystoimproveyourlifeisagooddeal,youwillspendtherestofyourlifedoingso.Manypeoplefollowthispath.Theyhaveconversationswithintheirownheadsthatseem,onthesurface,toberesolvingvariousissues,whileinrealitynothingchanges.
Ifyoucanbecomeconsciousofthefactthatyouengageinthisnegativeinternaldialogue,andyoucanwakeuptothefactthatyouaredoingitwhileyouaredoingit,andyouknowthatyouareharmingyourself,youwillbeprotected.Thisisaverypowerfulsecrettobecomingahappierperson.Ihaveworkedwithhundredsofhappypeople.Everysingleoneofthemagreesthatbecomingawareofandlearningtoturnofftheirinternaldialoguewasamajorfactorintheirdevelopmentintohappypeople.Don’tallowyourowninternaldialoguetorun(andruin)yourlife.Turnitoff,oratleastredirectitalongamorepositiveroute.Remindyourselffrequentlytodropyournegativethinking.Whennegativethoughtsfillyourhead,letthemgo.Allowthemtodriftawayknowingtheyaren’timportant.Don’tfocusonthem–saytoyourself,‘It’snotworthit.’Restassuredthatyourinternaldialogueishurtingnooneexceptyourself.Onceyouunderstandtherootcauseofyournegativefeelings–wheretheycomefromandwhatholdstheminplace–andmakethecommitmenttocatchyourselfintheact,therestwillfallintoplace.Youwilllearntotapintoanicerfeelingwithinyourselfwhichwillmakeyourliferunsmoothly.Asyourmindquietensdown,thepanicandhurrywillfadeaway.Answersthatyouhavealwayssearchedforwillbeasprevalentasthequestionsusedtobe.
Tofreeyourselffromunhappinessyoumustunderstandthatyournegativethinking–nothingelse–isthecauseofyournegativefeelings.Withoutthenegativethoughtstherewouldbenothingtomakeyoufeelbad.
Now,thisveryinstant,stopreadingandtakenoticeofhowyouarefeeling!Justpauseforaminuteandseehowyouarefeeling.Ifyourmindisquieterthanitusuallyis,noticethequiet.Noticehowgooditfeels.OK,nowreadon.
Didyounoticeadifferenceinhowyoufelt?Didyounoticeyourmindtobe
alittlequieter?Ifyoudid,youweretappingintoyourownhealthyfunctioning.Ordidyouthinktoyourself,asyoureadthelastsentence,somethinglike,‘It’smorecomplicatedthanthat’?Ifyoudid,rememberitwasthatthoughtandnothingelsethatmadeyoufeellessthanOK.Ifyouhadn’thadthatthoughtyouwouldbefeelingdifferentrightnow.Ifyouunderstandwhatyouarereading,youwillbeabletostartcatchingyourselfthinkingyourwayintoanunhappyordepressedstate.Theveryfirsttimeyounoticethethoughtsthatarepullingyouawayfromyourhealthyfunctioning,andyouletthemgoinsteadoffocusingonthem,youwillnoticethequieterfeelingwithinyou.Youwillbeonyourwaytoalifewithoutdepression.You’llseehowmuchpoweryouhaveoverthewayyoufeel.You’llfeelthepowerofyourownhealthyfunctioning.
Someofthementalprocessesthatyouhavebeenengagingin,priortonow,canbedescribedaswell-practisedmentalmistakes.Ifyoustopengagingintheseprocessesyoucanopenthedoortoanewfeelingofcontentment.Thisnewfeelingistheoneyouhavebeenlookingandhopingfor.Youcanaccessthisfeelingbylettinggoofthethoughtsthatareinterferingwithorcoveringupyourhealthyfunctioning.
Evenifyouunderstandandagreewithwhatyouarereading,youwillstillhavedifficultybreakingthehabitofnegativethinking.Thereason,again,isthatyouaresousedtothinkingincertainwaysthatyouwon’tevenrealizeyouarethinkingnegatively.Yourthinkinghappenssoautomaticallythatit’sgoingtotakesometimetocreateanewhabitofnotthinkingnegatively.
TheAccumulationFactorIt’seasytoallowyourselftobecomediscouragedorscepticalifyoudon’tnoticeaninstantconnectionbetweenwhatyouarethinkingandhowyouarefeeling–forexample,ifyousaytoyourself,‘Iamhappy,’thenimmediatelyafterthatyousaytoyourself,‘There,Ihadapositivethought.Nowwhydon’tIfeelhappy?’
Twofactorsexplainwhyyoudon’talwaysfeelanimmediatecorrespondingpositiveemotiontoeverypositivethought.First,takealookatthethoughtthatfollowedthepositivethought:immediatelyafteryourpositivethoughtyouhadascepticalthought.Hereisyourhabitcomingintoplay.Yougiveyourselfplentyoftimefornegativity,onandoffthroughouttheday,butonceyouhaveapositivethought,youimmediatelysabotageitwithanegativeone.It’strickybecauseitallhappenssoquickly.It’simportanttorealizethatifyoudidn’thavethenegativityafterthepositivethinkingyouwouldfeelgood.
Thesecondfactorthatpreventsyoufromfeelinggoodimmediatelyafteryouthinkpositivelyisequallyimportant.Icallthisthe‘accumulationfactor’.Itsuggeststhatyouaccumulatenegativityinyourmindthroughouttheday,andthroughoutyourlifetime.Becauseofthevastnegativitythathasaccumulatedinyourmind,eventuallyyouhaveanegativethoughtthat‘breaksthecamel’sback’.It’snotanyonethoughtthatdoesyouin,it’stheaccumulationthatbuildsupovertime.
Ifyouweretoeliminate90to95percentoftheuselessaccumulationofnegativethoughtsthatyouhave,thesamethoughtsthatnowsendyouspinningintoadepressedstatewouldhavelittle,ifany,impactonyou.Almostnosinglethoughtisgoingtohavethatmuchpoweroveryou,butwithhundreds,oreventhousands,ofaccumulatednegativethoughtspassingthroughyourmind,it’sjustamatteroftimebeforeyoucan’thandlethemanylongerandunhappinessordepressionsetsin.Setagoalforyourselfofeliminatingascloseto100percentofyourdailynegativityaspossible.Thecloseryougettoreachingthisgoal,thelessimpacteachindividualnegativethoughtisgoingtohaveonyouremotionalwell-being.
Sometimesitcanbehelpful,especiallyatfirst,ifyoukeepalogofyourprogress.Obviouslyyouwillnevercatchyourselfallthetimeyouarethinkingnegatively,because,asyouhaveseen,theproblemisthatmostofyournegativitygoesunnoticed.Keepingalog,however,canhelpyoustayfocusedonyourgoal.Youcankeepthelogverygeneral.Forexample,youmightmakeverygeneralinsertionsthreetimesaday,somethinglike:‘ThismorningIstayed
awayfromnegativityverywell.’Thenafterlunchyoumightinsert,‘Becareful,Iwasgettingcarriedawayagain,’andsoforth.Alogcanserveasaconstantreminderofwhatyouaretryingtodo.Itcankeepyour‘accumulatedtotals’toaminimum.
HowDoIBreakMyHabitofNegativeThinking?TherearetwowaysthatIknowoftoensurethatyoubreakyourhabitofnegativethinking.Thefirstistotellafriend,orevenapaidconsultant,tomonitorwhatyousayforatleasttwodays.Askhimorhertointerpretandstopyoueverytimeyoufallintoyouroldpattern.Tellhimthatyoudon’twanthimtoletyousayanythingnegativeorself-defeating;no‘Ihavearighttobeupset,’no‘You’llneverguesswhathappenedtometoday’(ifitwasbad),no‘Inevershouldhavedonethat,’oranyoftheliterallythousandsofotherself-defeatingpossibilities.Youcan’taffordtobetooselectiveinwhatyoucutout,especiallyatfirst.Thebestwaytoeliminatethenegativethinkinginyourlifeistostrivetoeliminateitaltogether.Theideahereistobreaktheoldhabitofnegativethinkingandreplaceitwithanewhabitofignoringyournegativethinking.Youmaybeverysurprisedathowoftenyouwillbeinterrupted.Don’ttakeitpersonallyandtrytomaintainasenseofhumouraboutit.Yourfriendorconsultantisthereonlytohelpyou.Onceyoubreakthehabit,youcangobacktoyournormallifeandthingswillbedifferent.Youwillstillengageyourmindinnegativityfromtimetotime,butyourexperienceofthenegativitywillbeverydifferent.Believeitornot,itwillseemworse.That’sright,worse.Infact,onceyourownnegativethinkingseemsworsethanitusedto,you’reonyourwaytorecovery,becauseyouwillhavetransformedahabit.Somethingthatyouhavealwaysassumedwasperfectlynormal,necessary,andhealthywillnowsoundlikeaherdofbuffalorunningthroughyourhead.Youwillfeelthedifference.Asyourownnegativethinkingbeginstosoundloudandobnoxious,youwillbelessandlessinterestedincontinuing.Theresultisthatyouwillbegintoturnoffthethinkingyoutookforgrantedforsolong.AsIsaidearlier,avoidingfocusingonyournegativethinkingisnotdenial.It’ssmart!Youaren’tdenyingthatyouarehavingthethoughts,youaresimplytrainingyourmindtoignorewhatyoudon’twant.Aslessandlessenergyisspentonnegativethoughts,youwillfindthattherearefewerandfewernegativethoughtsdemandingyourattention.
Thesecondwaytobreakthehabitofnegativethinkingisperhapseven
simpler,butwilltakemoredisciplineonyourpart.Youwillhavetodothisonebyyourself.Youwillneedalargeindexcardonwhichyoushouldwrite‘WhatamIthinkingnow?’Writethesewordsinbig,boldlettersandcarrythecardwithyoueverywhereyougoforatleastonemonth.Asoftenaspossible,everyfewminutesifyoucan,lookatthecard.Iknowitsoundstediousandevenchildish–insomewaysitis–butitworks!Youwillstarttoseehowoftenyousabotageyourselfwithnegativity,andyouwillbeabletostopdoingit.Theideabehindbothoftheseexercisesisidentical.Youareattemptingtobreakanoldhabit–thatdoesn’tseemlikeahabit.Negativethinkingmayseemnormaltomostpeople,butitdoesn’thavetobeforyou.
WhatDoIThinkInstead?Manypeoplearefrightenedofwhatwillhappeniftheystopthinkingnegatively,becausetheyareusedtoit.Whatwillyouthinkinstead?Theanswertothisquestionisverysimple:itdoesn’tmatter.Thisisnotaglibanswer.Asyoucatchyourselfthinkingnegatively,andconsciouslysetouttostopdoingit,youwillfindthatyourmindwillbemuchclearerandfreerthaniteverhasbeenbefore.Morecreativethoughtswillnaturallyreplacetheoldones.Youwillbeamuchmoredynamicperson.Youwillseemfreshandnew,inspiredanduplifted.Thelastthingintheworldyouwillhavetoworryaboutisnothavingenoughtothinkabout!
Theonlywordtodescribewhatwillhappentoyouifyoustopthinkingnegativelyisamazing.Intheabsenceofnegativethinkingyouwillfeellikeanewperson.Yourhealthyfunctioningwilltakeoveryourlife.Yourthoughtswillbedifferent,yourattitudewillbedifferent,andmostofall,thewayyoufeelwillbedifferent.Youwillfeelgoodagain.Thereissimplynowaytofeelbadifyouaren’tthinkingbadandifyouareincontrolofwhatyouarethinking.
Beforeyougoonreading,tryitrightnow.Letyourthoughtsflow.Ifanyformofnegativityentersyourmind,letitpassby.Don’tgiveitthetimeofday.Remainuninterestedinthenegativity.Putyourattentiononyourhealthyfunctioning.Howareyoufeeling?
Theanswertothisquestionisentirelydependentonthewayyouarethinking.Ifyouarethinkinghopefulandpositivethoughts,thatisthewayyouwillbefeeling;ifyouarethinkingnegative,pessimisticthoughts,youwillbefeelingthatway.
Thebottomlineisthis:youbecomewhatyouthinkaboutalldaylong.Doyouwanttothinkaboutmisery,pain,andproblems,ordoyouwanttothink
youwanttothinkaboutmisery,pain,andproblems,ordoyouwanttothinkaboutlove,kindness,hope,andpotential?Theanswertothisquestionwill,toalargeextent,determinehowyouaregoingtofeel.Giveitatry.Itcanworkforyou.Youcanfeelgoodagain!
Ten/Moods
Oneofthemostundeniablefactsabouthumanbeingsisthateachofushaswhatarereferredtoas‘moods’.Therehasneverbeen,norwillthereeverbe,apersonwhodoesn’texperiencetheupsanddownsofmoods.Eventhehappiestpersonisn’timmunetothem.Yourmoodsgreatlyaffectyourawarenessofthefactthatyouarepotentiallyhurtingyourselfwithyourownthinking.Yourmoodlevelalsoaffectswhatyouthinkabout,aswellasyourabilitytorealizethatyouareatachoicepoint.Understandingthenatureandthedeceptivepowerofyourmoodswillhelpyoueaseratherthanfightyourwayoutofanunhappystateofmind.
Moodsarelikethetidesofthesea.Theyareconstantlychangingandshifting.Sometimesmoodsareveryhigh,sometimestheyareverylow,andsometimestheyaresomewhereinbetween.Andalthoughitmaynotseemlikeitwhenyouarefeelinglow,yourmoodsarealwayschanging,althoughperhapsonlyalittleatatime.
Evenifyouhavebeendepressedforalongtime,youcanprobablyrememberwhatagoodmoodfeelslike.Ifyoucan’tremember,hereisareminder:inhighmoodslifefeelsgoodandhappy,light-hearted,easy,fun,rewarding,simpleandcare-free.Inhighmoodsyouexperienceyourgreatestwisdomandcommonsense,andyoucansolveproblemsandmakedecisionsinarelaxedfashion.Whenyouareinahighmoodyouhaveasenseofgratitudeforyourlife,youappreciatethepeopleclosetoyou,youareeasilysatisfied,andyoudon’ttakethingspersonally.
Whenyouareinalowmoodlifeappearstobejusttheopposite.Everythingseemsveryseriousanddifficult.Theslightestannoyancecausesgreatfrustration.Inlowmoodswelosevirtuallyallofourcommonsense.Wetakethingspersonallyandthereisanunderlyingsenseofurgencyanddespair.
Yourexperienceinalowmoodisexactlythesameasyourexperienceinadepression.Infact,exceptforthedurationofthemood,thetwoareessentiallyidentical.Depressionisnothingmorethanaprolongedandpainfullowmood.
Anextremelyimportantquestiontoponderiswhydomoodscomeandgoformostpeople,whiletheyhangonintheformofanegativefeelingstateordepressionforothers?Theansweristhatsomepeoplehavecertainmentalhabitsthattheytendtopractiseinlowmoods,withoutrealizingthattheyareexercisingthem,orthattheyarecausinganyproblems.Unfortunately,ifyouperpetuatetheseprocesseswhileyouareinalowmood,youwillremainlow.
Toescapeanegativestateofmind,youmustbegintorecognizewhenyou
Toescapeanegativestateofmind,youmustbegintorecognizewhenyouareinalowmoodandtoavoidtheprocessesthatwillkeepyouthere.Ifyoulearntodothis,youwillfindyourselfgoingupanddownlikeeveryoneelse,ratherthanremainingdowninthedumps.
WhatHappenstoYourThinkingWhenYouAreinaLowMood?Thequalityofyourthinkingsuffersgreatlywhenyouareinalowmood.Whenyoufeelbad,itisabsolutelypredictablethatyouwillthinkinanegativeway.Theloweryourmood,themoreintensewillbeyournegativethoughts.Thethoughtsyouhaveaboutyourlifewhenyouareexperiencingalowmoodwillbeverydifferentfromthethoughtsyouwillhavewhenyouareexperiencingahighermood.PerhapstheeasiestwaytounderstandthisideaistocomparethefollowingtwoconversationsIhadwiththesameperson.Theseconversationsweretapedontwoconsecutivedayswithaclientinmystress-managementpractice.(Heknewhewasbeingtaped.)
Day1–LowMoodThinkingTherapist:‘Howareyou?’Client:‘Terrible,almostunbearable.’Therapist: ‘I read in the business sectionof the paper that your companywas
doingquitewell.’Client: ‘You’d never know it the way they treat us. There’s no job security
anyway.Ihatemyjob.’Therapist:‘Didn’tyouusedtolikeyourjob?’Client:‘NotthatIremember.HowcouldI,anyway?’
Day2–HigherMoodThinkingTherapist:‘Howareyou?’Client:‘Fine,howareyou?’Therapist:‘Great,thanks.Mywifeisexpectinganotherbabysoon.We’rereally
excited.’Client:‘That’snice,Ireallylikebabies.’Therapist: ‘By the way, I saw another article in the paper today about your
company.Seems theyaredonatingsomemoney to thehungry thisholidayseason.’
Client:‘Yeah,I’mapartofthatprogramme.We’redivertingasmallpercentageofpre-taxprofittoalocalsocial-servicesagency.’
Therapist:‘Soundsrewarding.’Client:‘Yeah,itis.’
Thisisanexampleofthepowerofmoods.Believeitornot,thesetypesofconversationsareverycommon,notjustinaprofessionalsetting,butineverydaylife.Doesn’titseemasifentirelydifferentpeoplearetalking?It’sbecausethispersonisseeingandexperiencinglifedifferentlyindifferentmoods.Inlowmoods,yourownthinkingisalwaysdarkandpessimistic.Ifyoulookintoyourpastwhenyouarelowyouwillseeapainfulpast,yourlifewillseemtohavebeenawaste.Ifyoulooktowardsthefuture,yourlifewillappearhopeless.Interestingly,however,whenyoulooktoyourpastwhenyourmoodishigher,itappearsfarhappierthanitdidinalowermood.Thesameistruewithregardtoyourfuture.Thehigherthemood,themorehopefulitappears.
ThereasonItapedmyclient’sconversationswastoshowhimthedelusionaryqualityofhisownmoods,toshowhimfirsthandhowhislowmoodsdistorthisvisionoflife.Intermsofescapingunhappiness,theimportantpointhereissimple:thenegativethoughtsthatfillyourmindinalowmoodarethecauseofyoursuffering–andthosethoughtsalmostalwayscontaingrossdistortions.Althoughthethoughtsyouhavewhileinalowmoodseemvalidtoyou,theyaren’t.Theyarealmostalwaysirrationalanddistorted.Whenyoustarttoseetheinevitabilityofnegativethinkingwhenyoufeelbad,youcanbegintodistrustandignorewhatyouarethinkinginthesamewaythatyouwouldignoreamirageinadesert.Whenmyclientlistenedtohisownvoiceitbecameveryobvioustohim:‘Wow,’hesaid,inasomewhatshockedtone.‘Ican’tbelievethatwasme.’Farmoreimportant,however,wasthefactthathecouldnowsee,forthefirsttime,thathisthinkinginhislowmoodswasandalwayshadbeen‘pathetic’(hisword).Herealizedthattobelievehisownthinkingwhenhewasinalowstatewas‘crazy’,aself-writtenprescriptionforpainandsuffering.Whenheislow,hesimplycan’tseelifeclearly.Hisvisionoflifeisdistorted,andhe’sfarbetteroffclearinghismindandturningoffhisthinking.
Whatmakesunderstandingmoodssodifficultisthateverytimeyouarelow,youwillfeeljustifiedandcertainthatthewayyouarefeelingisappropriateandnecessary.Youwillfeelasenseofurgencyandself-righteousnessandyouwillwantsobadlytobelieveinwhatyouarethinking.Theonlywayoutistoseetheabsoluteabsurdityofbelievinginwhatyouarethinkingandfeelingwhenyouarelow,andthenmakingacommitmenttoyourselftoignoreyourownthoughts
arelow,andthenmakingacommitmenttoyourselftoignoreyourownthoughtswheneveryoufindyourselfinsuchastate.Youmustunderstandthatyourthoughts,inalow-feelingstate,arenotworthpayingattentionto.Theycanonlyhurtyousincetheycontainonlygrossdistortions.Onceyouareconvincedofthis,youwillseetheapplicationtoyourlife.Youwillknowthatlifewillalwayslookbetterlaterifyouletitalone,fornow.
Ifyouareunconvinced,startkeepingtrackofthepeopleyouknow.Askthemquestionswhentheyarelowandkeeptrackoftheiranswers.Seehowwelltheysolveproblems,howclearlytheythink,howmuchsensetheymake,andhowmuchloveandappreciationtheyhavefortheirfamilyandfriends.Thencomparetheirlow-moodlivingtotheirhigh-moodliving.Thenexttimetheyarefeelingbetter,evenifit’sonlyalittlebetter,askthemthesamequestions.Whatyouwilldiscovermaybeshockingtoyou.Youwillseethatyouhavetwodifferentfriends–DrJekyllandMrHyde!
Thereasonitmaynothaveseemedpossibletoescapeunhappinessuntilnowisthatyouhaven’tunderstoodtheoriginandcauseofunhappiness.Withoutunderstandingthecause,it’slikelythatyouhavebeenengaginginactivitiesthathaveaddedfueltothefire–primarilylow-moodthinkingandlotsofit.
Oneofthemajorproblemswithlowmoodsisthattheyalwaysseemasthoughtheywilllastforever.It’salotlikebeinginadarkcaveandnotbeingabletoseeanylight–it’sfrightening.Ifyouhavebeeninaparticularcave,however,fivehundredtimes,eventhoughyoucan’tseethelight,youknowthatitisthere,andyouwillhavenoreasontopanic.Youknowthatit’sjustamatteroftimebeforeyoufindthelight.
Theprocessofwaitingoutalowmoodisnodifferentfromtryingtofindyourwayoutofacave.Nomatterhowmanytimesyou’vebeentherebefore,itseemsthatthisistheworstoneeverandthatyouarejustifiedinbeingupset.Italwaysseemsthatthisonewilllastforever.Butitwon’t.Ifyouknowwhat’shappeningwhileit’shappening,youareprotectedfromtheeffectsofyourmood.There’snothingtofear.Thelightisjustaroundthecorneraslongasyoudon’tpanicandaslongasyouwalkintherightdirection.Havingfaiththatyourlowmoodwillliftislikehavingfaiththatthetrickmirroryouarelookingintoattheamusementparkisn’tgivingyouaclearvisionofreality.Bothareillusions.Onceyouknowthatwhatyouarefeelingisnothingmorethananillusion,youwon’tletyourmindspiralyoufurtherintounhappiness.
Lowmoodsreallyaren’taprobleminandofthemselves.Ofcoursethey’redifficult,andnoonelikesthem,buttheycan’tharmyouifyouknowwhat’s
goingon.Therealproblemisthethinkingandthementalactivitythataccompanythelowmood.Whenyouareinalowmood,yourthoughtsaregoingtobenegative,insecure,andpessimistic.Yourlifeandeverythinginitwilllookbad.Youwillalwaysbeabletocomeupwithmanyreasonswhyyoufeelsobadandtheoriestosupportandjustifyyourmisery.Nomatterwhatyoucomeupwith,regardlessofhowaccurateyouare,orhowbadthingslook,itcanonlyhurtyou.Why?Becausethereasonsthemselves(thethinkingaboutit)fuelthelowmood.Withoutthereason,themoodwouldpassonitsown.Onceyouintroduceareason,however,yourlowmoodcan’tpass,becauseyouhaveinjectedfueltokeepitgoing.Themoreyouthinkaboutit,theworseitwillseem.
Ignoringthenegativethoughtsyouhavewhileyouareinalowmoodisnotdenial,norisitdangerousorirresponsible.Yourproblems,iftheyarereal,willstillbetherewhenyourmoodgoesup.Theonlydifferencewillbethatyouwillbemoreequippedtosolvethem.Whenyouarelow,whatkindsofanswersdoyourealisticallythinkyouwillcomeupwith?Futileanswers,Icanassureyou.
Evenafteryoulearnthisapproachtoescapingunhappiness,youwillstillbeatriskofbeingnegativelyaffectedbyyourlowmoods.Thereasonisthatwhenyoudropintoalowmoodallyouwillseeareproblems.Andyoucangetprettycleveratjustifyingtoyourselfwhythislowmoodisdifferentfromthelastoneorthetensofthousandsthatprecededit.Themoreyouentertainthereasonsyoucomeupwith,andthethoughtsyouarehavingaboutyourpredicament,theworseyouwillfeel–everysingletime.Yourprotectionwillbe,however,thatyouwillnolongertrustwhatyouarefeelingwhenyouarelow.Youwillusuallyknowthatyou’rebeingtrickedbyyourownlowmood.Youwillusuallyknowthateventhoughit’stemptingtoindulgeyournegativethoughts,ifyoudon’t,you’llbefarbetteroff.Yourprotectionwillbethatyouwillusuallyknowthatyourdistressedfeelingswillpassifyoucansomehowjustleavethemalone.Youwillusuallyknowthat,eventhoughyourreasonsforyourunhappinessseemtobegoodones,thereasonsthemselvesareabigpartoftheproblem.
Isay‘usually’whenIrefertoyournewprotectionbecauseeveryonegetstrickedsomeofthetime.Nomatterhowconsciousyoubecomeoftheprocess,youwillstilltakethebaitonceinawhile.Evenwhenyoudotakeit,however,theeffectswon’tlastnearlyaslong.Yourrecoverywillbemuchquicker.
IfThinkingKeepsYouDown,WhatBringsYourMoodBackUp?Ifyoudon’tinterferewiththenaturalrhythmofyourmoods,theywillgoupand
Ifyoudon’tinterferewiththenaturalrhythmofyourmoods,theywillgoupanddownallbythemselves.Thiswastrueforpeopleinthetenthcenturyanditwillbetrueforpeopleinthetwenty-secondcentury.Moodsareaconstant,theyareafactoflife,asistheirchangeability.
Evenhappypeoplehavetheirownshareofdowns.Oneofthedifferences,however,betweenadepressedpersonandanon-depressedperson,isthatanon-depressedpersonacceptsthatshehasmoods.Shemakesallowancesforthisinherattitudeandinherbehaviour.Shesaysthingslike,‘Thingsdon’tlooksogoodrightnow.Askmelater,’or‘I’minareallybadmoodrightnow.Don’tbotherme.’Sheknowsitisatemporaryproblem–itfeelsbadandit’snofun,butitwillpassifsheletsitbe.Thetidewillreturn.
Depressedpeoplealsohavelowmoodsandthosemoodsalsofeelterrible.Thesavinggrace,however,thatdepressedpeopleoftendon’trealizeisthattheirmoodisn’tpermanent.Depressedpeopledescribetheirlowmooddifferentlyfromnon-depressedpeople.Insteadofsaying,‘Thingsdon’tlooksogoodrightnow.Askmelater,’adepressedpersonmightsay,‘Don’taskme.I’mdepressed.’Thereisanassumedsenseofpermanencythatinactualitydoesn’thavetoexist.
It’syourunderstandingthatmoodsareanaturalfactoflifethatwillbringyououtofalowmood.Acceptingthefactthatyouarelow,butatthesametimerealizingthatyourmoodwillriseonitsown,allowsthedarknesstolift.Thetruthis,youdon’thavetodoanything.Infact,thelessyoudothebetteroffyou’llbe.Yourmoodwillbegintoliftasyoustoppayingattentiontoallthatyouthinkaboutwhenyouarelow,andyoubegintoignorethethoughtsandfeelingsyouarehaving.Don’tmakethemistakeofbelievingyouwillbecomeapatheticifyouimplementthisunderstandinginyourlife.Farfromit.Asyourmoodlifts,youwillbecomefarmoreimmersedandmorepresentinyourlife.Anyrealproblemsyoumayhavewillmostcertainlystillbethere,butyouwillbefarmoreequippedtodealwiththem.Youarenotignoringyourlifeoryourproblems,youaresimplyignoringyourdistortedthinking.
EllenandStanhavebeenrunningasmallbusinesstogetherforalmostayear.Businesshasbeenprettygoodandthetwoofthem,whostartedoutasfriends,havebeenworkingtogetherverynicely.
Oneday,outoftheblue,Ellencomestotheofficeinaterriblemood.Ellen’swaytoactoutherlowmood(everyonedoesitdifferently)istobecomeverycritical.SheimmediatelybeginspointingoutallofStan’simperfectionsandallthewayshecouldbedoingbetter.Stanisamazed;he’sneverseenthissideof
thewayshecouldbedoingbetter.Stanisamazed;he’sneverseenthissideofEllenbefore.
StanknowslittleaboutthepowerofmoodsandtakesEllen’scommentspersonally.Hebecomesfrightenedandinsecurebecausehefearshehasseen‘therealEllen’.Hismoodbeginstodropdramatically.Stan’swayofactingoutalowmoodistobecomedefensiveandargumentative,whichfuelsEllen’scriticism,frightensher,andlowershermoodevenfurther.
Inalowmood,everylittlethingcanlooklike‘thetipoftheiceberg’.BothStanandEllenbegintowonderiftheyshouldshutdownthebusiness.Theyfearthatthisisjustthebeginningofaseriesofnewproblems.SinceneitherStannorEllenunderstandsmoods,theybelievethethoughtstheyarehavingabouteachother.Thewaytheyfeel,ofcourse,dictatesthewaytheytreateachother.Theirbusinessbeginstosuffer.
WhenStanandEllencametoseemetheywerefrustrated.BothweresurprisedwhenIdidn’tanalyseorevendiscusstheirpatternsofcriticismanddefensiveness.Italkedtothemabouthowtheyhadinnocentlybroughtouttheveryworstineachotherbytakingeachother’slow-moodreactionstooseriously.Itaughtthemtoexpectnegativebehaviourfromtheirpartnerwhentheyfellintoaverylowmoodandtomakeallowancesintheirownmindforsuchbehaviour.Ialsotaughtthemtobecompassionatetowardsthemselvesandnottotakethemselvesasseriouslywhentheyweretrappedinlowmoods.
Thiswasn’tamiraclecureoranextraordinarycase.Itwassimplytwopeoplewhohadbecomeblindedbytheirownlowmoods.Oncetheyunderstoodthenatureofmoods,theyletgooftheirfrustrationandwentonwiththeirlives.
Eleven/LivinginthePresentMoment
Perhapstheoldestandwisestpieceofadviceforescapingdepressionandlivingahappierlifeistoliveinthepresentmoment.Virtuallyeveryspiritualteacherandwisepersonthroughouthistoryhassuggestedthissolution.Andalthoughmanyofushaveheardthisage-oldadvice,andhaveevenagreedwithit,thequestionremains:whyisitsodifficult?Theanswerstothisquestionaresurprisinglysimple.Therearetwofactorsthatkeeppeopletiedtotheirpastandspeculatingaboutanegativefuture,bothofwhichwehavealreadydiscussed:veryfewpeoplehavethenecessaryunderstandingoftheirownthinking,andveryfewpeopleunderstandthepoweroftheirownmoods.
Ifyoubelievethatyourthinkingissomethingthathappenstoyou–insteadofsomethingthatyouaredoingtocreateanexperienceoflife–itisimpossibleforyoutoliveinthepresentmoment.Ifyoufeel,forwhateverreason,thatyoumustfollowtrainsofthoughtastheyenteryourmind,youwillbeunabletoremaininthepresent.Let’ssupposeyouareallalonereadingabookwhensuddenlyathoughtcrossesyourmind,‘I’llneverbeableto…’(andyoufillintheblank).Itcouldbeanythoughtatall,itreallydoesn’tmatter.Ifyoufollowthattrainofthought,wheredoyousupposeit’sgoingtotakeyou?Straighttotheemotionaldump!Ifyousee,however,thatallthathasoccurredhasbeenathoughtracingthroughyourhead–asimpleandharmlessthoughtwhichyouchoosetodismiss–youwillbefreefromitseffects.
Pleasedon’tassumethatthisistoosimplistictobetrue.It’snot!Let’slookatitlogically.Onesecondpriortothethoughtenteringyourmindyouwerebusyreadingabook.Then,fromoutofnowhere,athoughtpopsintoyourhead.Whatmakesyoutakeitseriously,followit,andbecomeupsetorimmobilizedbyitexcepthabit?Theproblemhasbeenthatnoonehaseverassuredyou,untilnow,thatyoudon’tneedtobefrightenedorupsetbyyourownthoughts.Wouldyouhavebeenupsetifthethoughtthatenteredyourmindwasinstead‘Ilovemycat’?Ofcoursenot!Youdon’tneedtobeupsetbyeitherthoughtbecausebotharejustthoughts.Onceyouunderstandthenatureofyourownthinking,thefactthatyouaretheonemanufacturingyourownthoughts,andthefactthatyourthoughtsarejustthoughtsandthattheyareharmless,youwillhavecreatedthenecessaryemotionaldistancefromyourthinkingtokeepyourattentiononthehereandnow,thepresentmoment.
Ifyoufeeltheneedtofolloweverytrainofthoughtthathappenstoenter
yourmind,youwillbetoobusyelsewhere(inthepastorinthefuture)toremaininthepresentmoment;youwillbetoobusychasingandstudyingthevariousformsofnegativitythatenteryourmind.Therewillbetoomuchactivitygoingoninyourmindforyoutocontrolitscontents,sincesomewhereintheregionoffiftythousandthoughtswillpassthroughyourmindeachday!Ifyoubelievethatyourthinkingiscausedbyotherpeopleandtheeventsgoingonaroundyou,it’seasytoseewhyyourthinkingcanbecomeoverwhelming.Asyourunderstandingofthoughtdeepens,however,andasyoubegintoseeyourselfasthecreatorofyourownthoughts,andasyouseeyourthoughtsassomethingthatcan’tharmyou,youcanstepbackfromyourownthinking,almostasthoughyouwerewatchingamovieinsteadofactuallybeinginit.Then,ifafrightening,depressing,angryorjealousthoughtentersyourmind,youhavetheoptiontofollowthatthoughtandseewhereittakesyou,oryoucansimplydismissthethoughtandbringyourattentionbacktowhateveryouaredoing.
Thesecondsignificantreasonwhypeoplefinditsodifficulttoremaininthepresentmomentisthattheydon’tunderstandthepoweroftheirownmoods,andhowtorespondwhentheirmoodislow.Unfortunately,ifyoubelieveinwhatyouthinkwhenyouarelow,youwillbetoofrightenedtoremaininthepresentmoment.Remember,lowmoodswillalwayspromotenegative,pessimisticthinking,andinyourlowmoodsyouwillfeelatremendoussenseofurgency–afeelingthatyouneedtodosomethingtogetawayfromthewayyoufeel.Inlowmoods,insecurethoughtswilldominateyourconsciousness.Theverybestyoucandoistodistrust,dismiss,andignoreyourthoughtswhenyouarelow.Youmustunderstandthatlifewillalwayslookserious,urgent,andproblematicwhenyouaredown.Youhavetoexpectthistobethecaseandbepreparedinadvance.Youmustalsorememberthatlifealwayslooksbetterwhenyourspiritslift,eveniftheyliftonlyalittle.
Ifyoudon’tdistrustyourthinkingwhenyouareinalowmood,yourheadwillbefullofimaginedgloomanddoom.Yourproblemswillseemtoourgenttoremaininthehereandnowandyouwillfeelasthoughyouneedtospeculateastohowyouaregoingtoescapethewayyoufeel.
Happypeopleknowdeepwithinthemselvesthatregardlessofwhathappenedyesterday,amonthago,orintheirearlychildhood,andwhatmayormaynothappentomorrow,nextweek,orin15years,the‘now’iswheretheywillfindtheirhappiness–andthe‘now’iswheredepressioncannotexist.
Agenuinelyhappypersonknowsthatlifeisnothingmorethanaconstantseriesofpresentmomentstobeexperienced,onerightafteranother.Heseesthepastforwhatitwasabletoteachhimabouthowtolivemoreinthe‘now’and
pastforwhatitwasabletoteachhimabouthowtolivemoreinthe‘now’andthefutureasmorepresentmomentstobeexperiencedwhentheyeventuallyarrive.Happypeoplestrivetobefullywiththepersontheyarewith,tobeinvolvedwithwhatevertheyaredoingwithoutthinkingtoomuchaboutthefutureorthepast.Theystrivetoexperienceeachpresentmomentoftheirlivestoitsfullest.Ahappypersonknowsthatthecloserhegetstohisgoaloflivingeachdayinthepresent,themoreheguaranteesawonderfulexperienceoflife.Livinginthepresentisnotatheory;itistherealitythatahappypersonlivesin.
Manyclientshavereportedtomethatthetimetheyfeelmostimmersedinthepresentmomentiswhentheyareeitherplayingwithorwatchingchildren.Perhapsthebestwaytodescribethedifferencebetweenpresent-momentlivingandnon-present-momentlivingisthis:present-momentlivingmeansyouarechoosingtofocusyourattentiononwhatishappeningrightnow;youenjoyandappreciatejustthismoment.Youknowthatyouhavenotimetolose–yourlifeistooimportant–andthereisnobettertimetoliveandappreciateyourlifethanrightnow.Youfeelterrificbecauseyouaren’tspeculatingaboutyourlife,youarelivingyourlife.Youarenotthinkingaboutwhat’snextuntilit’stimetodoso.Non-present-momentlivingcanbedescribedthisway:insteadoflivinginthemoment,youarewaitingforthenextone.Insteadofenjoyingwhereyouare,youareconcernedaboutwhatmightbe.Insteadofimmersingyourselfinthismoment,youarespeculatingaboutthefutureorrehashingthepast.
NoticinghowgooditfeelstoliveinthepresentmomentwithmychildrenhashelpedmetorealizethatwheneverIamnotfeelinggoodIhaveslippedoutofthepresentmoment.Youcanhavethesamerealizationinyourlifebynoticinghowremovedfromthepresentyouarewhenyouaren’tfeelingwell.Thenexttimeyoufeeldepressed,noticewhereyourthoughtsare.Iguaranteethattheywillbesomewhereotherthanrightwhereyouare.Onceyoufeeltheconnectionbetweenthepresentmomentandyourhealthyfunctioningyouwillknowthatthesolutiontoyourdepressionliesinyourabilitytobringyourattentionbacktothepresentmoment.
Childrenarethebestexamplesofpeoplewhofullyabsorbthemselvesinthepresentmoment.Aclientofminewhoworkswithpreschoolchildrendescribesitthisway:‘Theyallowthemselvestostaycompletelyinvolvedinwhatevertheyhappentobedoingandwithwhomevertheyhappentobewith.Becausechildrenaresointhemoment,theymilkeveryounceoutoftheirexperience.’
Asanadult,youmayhavegotintothehabitofallowingpastregretsandfutureconcernstosqueezethelifeoutofyourpresentmoments.Asyoubecomeconsciousofhowyousabotageyourlifebyyourthoughtsofthepastandthefutureyoucanbegindroppingthosethoughtsandnoticingahappierfeeling
futureyoucanbegindroppingthosethoughtsandnoticingahappierfeelingreturningwithinyourself.
Asyoubecomemoreorientatedtothepresentmoment,youwillopenthedoortoenjoyingyourlife.Insteadofseeingpotentialproblems,youwillseebeauty;insteadofreviewingpastmistakes,youwilllearnfromyourmistakesandmoveforward.Whennegativeorinsecurethoughtsenteryourmind,youwillseethemthesamewayyouwouldseeantsatapicnic–distractionsthatcanbeignored.Youwouldcertainlyprefertheantsnottobeatyourpicnic,butyouwouldn’tletthemruinanotherwiseperfectlybeautifulday.Ihavethesamefeelingaboutnegativethoughtsthatentermymindeverysingleday.Ioftenwishtheywouldleavemealone,butIrefusetoletthemdrainenjoymentfrommylife.Insteadofharpingonmynegativethoughts,IfeelgratefulthatIamabletodismissthem.You,too,candismissanythoughtsyouhavethatyoudon’tlike.Remember,happypeoplehavethesamekindsofnegativethoughtsasdodepressedpeople.Theonlydifferenceisintherelationshipbetweenthethoughtsandthethinker:happypeopleareabletoseetheirthoughtsasthoughtsanddismisstheonestheydon’twant.
SomedayWon’tBeDifferentOneoftheproblemswithlivinginthepastorfutureisthatthinkinginthesetermswillneverproduceahappylife.Amindthatbelievesitwillbehappyonlywhencertainconditionsaremetwillalwayscreatenewconditionstosatisfyoncetheoldonesarecompleted.Acycleof‘I’llbehappywhen…’iscreated.Theparticularscanbevirtuallyanything:‘Whenschooliscomplete,’‘Igetajob,’‘Igetapromotion,’‘Imakemoremoney,’‘Ifindamate,’‘Ihaveachild,’‘Ibuyahome,’‘Isolvetheseproblems,’andsoforth.Pleasedon’tmisunderstandwhatI’msaying:thesegoalsarenotbadideasinthemselves.Ifyouwantachildortomakemoremoney,oranythingelse,thendoit!Butfuture-orientatedthinkingwillguaranteethatyouwillnotenjoytheprocessofachievingthesegoalsanditwillguaranteethatyouwillnotenjoytheresultsonceyougetthem.Yourmindwillstartagainandyou’llbeinthesameplaceyouarerightnow.
Ifyouwant‘someday’tobedifferent,youmustmakeapersonalcommitmenttobegintoenjoyyourlifetoday,asitisrightnow.Thereisnootherway.Youarehereanyway,soyoumightaswellimmerseyourselfinthepresentmomentandenjoyit.Fromnowon,wheneveryoufeeldiscouraged,
angry,orinanywayfrustrated,trytonoticehowdistantyouarefromthismoment.YouwillfindthesamethingthatIfindwhenIfeellessthanhappy–yourmindwillbeproducingthoughtsthatareremindingyouaboutsomethinginyourpastorsomethinginyourfuture.Ifyoubringyourattentionbacktothismomentyouwillveryquicklyregainamorepositivefeelingandgetonwithyourlife.Asyourunderstandingofthoughtdeepens,thiswillbecomeeasierandeasierandyourdepressionwilldisappear.
Thepointisobvious,butextremelyimportant.Theonlygenuineandlastinghappinessyouwilleverfindisrightwhereyouare.Thepresentmomentisamagical,ever-changingplacethatiswaitingtobeenjoyed.Thepresentmomentisaplacewhereyouareuniquelycapableofsuchwondermentthatitisimpossibletoexperienceanythingotherthanhappiness.Makeacommitmenttodaytopullinthereinsofyourthinkingandstartenjoyingyourlife.
EliminatingHurryOneofthesecretsoflivingalifefreeofdepressionistoeliminatethesenseofhurryinyourlife.Hurryisnothingmorethanabadhabit;it’snotaschedulingproblem,it’sastate-of-mindproblem.Therearemanyextremelybusyindividualswhoalmostneverfeelhurriedandevenmorepeoplewhoreallyaren’tverybusy,butwhofeelbusyalmostallthetime.
Thedegreetowhichyoufeelhurriedinyourlifeisdependententirelyonyourabilitytokeepyourattentioninthepresentmoment.Canyouimaginewhatitwouldbelikeifallofyourthoughtscentredaroundwhatyouhavetodoandhowlittletimeyouhavetodoit?Prettyscaryisn’tit?Toonedegreeoranother,manyofusdotheverysamething.Wefillupourpresentmomentswiththoughtsofahurriedfuture.
Thesolutionofallhurryistolivemoreinthepresentmoment.Infact,itisimpossibletofeelhurriedregardlessofwhatyouaredoingwhenyoubecomelessconsumedwithwhatneedstobedone,andmoreconsumedwithusingeachmomenttoitsfullest.
Ifyouarerunninglateanddrivingtoyournextappointment,lettingyourheadspinforwardsintimetoalltheterriblethingsthataregoingtohappenonceyouarriveisn’tgoingtogetyouthereonesecondquicker.Ifyoucanlearntobringyourattentionbacktothemoment–tosimplydrivingthecar–youwillfindthatyouwillarriveinamuchbetteremotionalcondition.Insteadoffeelingfrazzledandirritated,youwillfeelconfidentandfriendly.Ifyouarelate,youwillbeabletoexplainandapologizetothepersonyouarewithandthenbothofyoucangetonwithyouragenda.
Ahappypersonknowsthataslongashecontinuesthinkingaboutthingsyettobedonehewillcontinuetofeelhurried–it’sthatsimple.Heknowsthatahurriedmindcannotbeahappyonebecauseahurriedmindisconsumednotwithinvolvementandjoybutwithfutureactivitiesthatareyettobeexperienced.Happypeopleknowthattheirmindsarecapableofmakingthemfeelhurriedevenwhenthey’renotunderatimepressure.Luckily,theyalsoknowthattheyarecapableofbringingtheirattentionbacktothismoment,andbacktowhatevertheyaredoing.
Certainlytherewillbetimeswhenyouneedtodothingsquicklyortakeimmediateaction,butfromthismomenton,doyourselfafavourandsaveyoursenseofhurryforthosespecialandrareoccasionswhenit’strulynecessary.Oneofthemosteye-openingexperiencesinlifeissimplytonoticehowoftenyourusharoundunnecessarily.Onceyounoticethistendency,youcaneliminate
mostofitbysimplybringingyourselfbacktorightherewhereyouarenow.Asyoubecomeawitnesstoyourownheightenedpace,youcanstepbackfromitandslowdown.TryittodayandI’msureyou’llfindthatit’smucheasierthanitsounds.Onceyoutrainyourmindtoberighthere,andtoenjoyorfullyutilizethismoment–onemomentatatime–youwillstartignoringyourmorehurriedthoughtswhentheydoenteryourmind.
LifeIsn’tanEmergencyLifecanbeanenormouslyrewardingexperience;atotallyfulfillingandcreativeexperiencewherevirtuallyeveryactivityisseenasyetanotherwonderfulopportunity.Althoughit’softentreatedasone,lifeisnotanemergency;it’snotmeanttobeconstantlypostponedwhileweanxiouslyrusharoundandattemptto‘geteverythingdone’.
Lifeismeanttobelived,onemomentatatime.Whetheryouare18yearsoldor80yearsold,maleorfemale,darkorlight,richorpoor,youaregiventhesamegiftandit‘sadministeredinexactlythesameway.Thegiftislifeitselfandit’sgiventousonepreciousmomentatatime.Lifeisn’tanemergency,it’sanadventure.Onceyoucommityourselftoseeinglifethiswayyouwillbeamazedathowquicklyyourlifewillchangeforthebetter.Youwillnoticethebeautyinsteadoftheugliness,thecaringinsteadofthenon-caring,andthegraceinsteadofthemisfortune.Remember,lifeisn’tanemergency.
Don’tPostponeAllofYourGratificationThe‘somedaylifewillbebetter’philosophyoflivingleavesanawfullottobedesired.Foronething,it’ssimplynottrue.Ifyouarestillthinkinginfuturetermswhen‘someday’doesarrive,youwillstillbeunhappy.Future-orientatedthinkingwillalwaysleaveyoudisappointedandfrustratedbecauseyouneverquiteimmerseyourselfinthenow;you’reneverpractisedenjoyingtherewardsoyouneverknowwhattodowithitwhenitarrives.It’salmostasthoughfuture-orientedthinkingisonestepremovedfromlife:‘I’lllovemylifewhenIgetajob.’Whenyougetthejob,however,youaresoaccustomedtothinkinginnon-presenttermsthatyourmindwilldoitalloveragain:‘Ican’tbehappynowbecauseIhavetostartatthebottomoftheladder,butIwillbehappywhenIgetmoreresponsibility.’Thisendlesscyclemustbebrokentofreeyourselfofdepression.
Don’tpostponeallofyourgratification,orevenmostofit.It’snotworthit
andyoudon’thaveto.Liveasmuchofyourlifeasyoucanrightnow.Youwillfindyourgreatestpleasurerighthere,inthismoment.Whateveryouhappentobedoing,doitaswellasyoucan.Fiveminutesfromnow,dothesamething;anhourfromnow,dothesamethingagain;tomorrow,thesamething.Strivetoenjoythoroughlyeachstepofyouractivitiesandgoals.Ifyoudo,thenonceyouachieveyourgoalyouwillenjoyyoursuccessaswell.
Letmemakeonethingclear.Peoplewholiveforthenowarenotsacrificingfutureplansorsuccess,notonebit!Onthecontrary,apersonwhoisimmersedinthepresentisdoingthebestpossiblejobthatcanbedone.Ifyoulookatthegreatestathletesyou‘llwatchhowtotallyabsorbedinthepresentdaytheyare,andthatisthesecretoftheirsuccess.
ProblemsWillDisappearAsyouliveyourlifeincreasinglyinthepresentmomentyouwillnoticethatyourproblemswillalmostmagicallydisappear.Becauseyouarealwaysdoingthebestyoucanwhenyoufocusonthenow,yourmomentsbegintoblendtogetherintonaturalsolutions.Ratherthanspendingyourlifeworryingaboutwhatmighthappen,youarespendingeachmomentconstructivelyorenjoyably;eachmomentbecomesanotherpieceofthepuzzlethatisnecessarytocompletethewhole.
Justasgoalscanonlybeachievedonestepatatime,sotoocanproblemsonlybesolvedbydoingwhatyoucan,onestepatatime,continually,momenttomomentanddaytoday.I’msurethatyoucanseethelogicinsuchthinking.Asyourattentionfocusesonthemoment,onwhatcanbedone,insteadofontheproblemoronhowdifficultsomethingis,youaremarchingtowardssolutions.Present-momentthinkingfocusesonwhatcanbedonerightnowtoimproveasituation.Theactiontakeninthismomentwillleadtoothersolution-orientatedactionsastheyareneeded.Asyoudowhatyoucan,momenttomoment,eachofyourproblemsthatonceseemedsoinsurmountablewillfadeaway.Thenyoucangetonwiththebusinessofliving;yourlifewillbemoreaboutlivingandlessaboutsolvingproblems.Youwillseethatallworryisawasteoftimeandenergy!
LiveEachDayasifItWereYourLastHappypeopleknowthattherearenoguaranteesonthedurationofthisadventurecalledlife.Theyalsoknowthatthisgoesforeveryoneelse.Remindingthemselvesofthissimpletruthhelpsthemliveeverydayoftheirlivesasifitweretheirlast–andwhoknows?Itmightbe.
Happypeopledon’twaituntiltomorrowtoletthepeoplethattheyloveknowthattheylovethem;theydon’tpostponeuntiltomorrowwatchingabeautifulsunset,visitingthecountryside,orplayingwiththeirchildren.Andhappypeopleenjoywhatevertheyhappentobedoing.Iftheyaremakingsalescallstoprospectiveclients,theyvowtothemselvestoenjoytalkingtoeachperson,evenifwhattheyaredoinghappenstobecalledwork.Whatdifferencedoesitreallymake?Ifyouareabsorbedinthemoment,youcanmakethatmomentarichexperience.
Ifyouknewyouwerenevergoingtoseeyourchildoryourspouseagain,wouldn’tyoutakeanextraminutetogivethemahugbeforerunningoutofthedoor?Wouldn’tyoubemorepatient,kind,andunderstanding?Ofcourseyou
door?Wouldn’tyoubemorepatient,kind,andunderstanding?Ofcourseyouwould.
Ifyouliveeachdayasifitwereyourlast,thenwhenyourlastdayarrivesyouwillhavenoregrets.Yourlifewillhavebeenamaster-piece;youwillhavelivedlifethebestwayitcanbelived–onemomentatatimewithgraceandappreciation.
ForgivenessForgivenessstemsfrompresent-momentthinking.Whenyouforgivesomeone,includingyourself,youaresayingtoyourself,‘Thepastisover.’Noone,notevenyourself,canundowhatisdone.Whenyourefusetoforgivesomeoneyouarenotlivinginthepresentmoment.Youarehangingontoapastthatnolongerexists.Youaretorturingyourselfwithyourownthinking.
Present-momentthinkingallowsyoutoforgiveanyoneandeveryone,whichfreesyouonceandforalltoenjoyyourlifeasyoudeservetodo.Ifyourpastwaspainful,alackofforgivenessonlymakesyourpresentequallypainful.Nomatterwhathappenedtoyou,nomatterhowawfulitwas,thewaytobehappynowistoforgiveanyoneandeveryonebylivingmoreinthepresentmoment.
LifeIsWhat’sHappeningWhileYou’reBusyMakingOtherPlansIt’ssotemptingtofallintothehabitofcontinuallypostponingyourlifeuntillater.It’seasytobelieve,assomanypeopledo,thatlifeisgoingtogetbetterandmorerewardingatsomelaterdate.Whenyoudelveintothelogicofsuchthinking,however,youwillseethatthisisatragicmistake.
Whentomorrowarrivesitwillstillbeaseriesofpresentmomentstobeexperienced.It’simportanttoknowthatpresent-momentlivingdoestakepracticeandisnotnecessarilyeasy.Withoutafirmcommitmenttopractisinglivinginthepresentmoment,yourtomorrowswillbeasemptyastheyaretoday;yousimplywon’tbeabletoenjoythem.Yourhabitneedstobeworkedwith.Youmustconditionyourselfandyourthinkingrightnowasifyouwerepractisinganyotherworthwhileskill.Practiseasifthequalityofyourlifedependedonit–itdoes.
TheGoodNewsThegoodnewsisthatpresent-momentlivingcanbelearned,andit’snevertoolatetostart.Remember,whenyouwereachildyouwerepresent-momentorientated,soatsomeinternallevelyouarealreadyfamiliarwithwhatitfeelslike.Youcanstartrightnow,today.
Remindyourselfoverandoveragainofhowtrulywonderfullifeiswhenyouaren’treviewingpastmistakesorworryingaboutfutureconcerns.Rememberthatyouareincontroloverwhatyouchoosetothinkaboutonceyouunderstandthatyouarethethinkerofyourthoughts.Ifnegativeorworrisomethoughtsenteryourmind,forgetaboutthem.Ifsomethingneedstobedealtwith,youwilldealwithit.I’venevermetapersonwholearnedtoliveinthepresentmomentwhonowfeelsthatherlifeisfallingapartandsheisbecomingirresponsible.Justtheoppositehappens.Asyoustopworryingandstartlivingyouwillbeamazedathowsmoothlyyourlifewillrun.Problemswillalwaysbedealtwith.Nolongerwilllifeseemlikeanemergency.Instead,lifewillseemlikeawonderfuldream.Bringyourattentionbacktotheonlyplacewhereyoucantrulydosomethingaboutyourlifeanyway–rightwhereyouare.Yourlifeisamarvellousgiftandyouareuniquelywonderful.Don’twasteapreciousmomentproducingthoughtsofapainfulpastoranimaginedfuture.Whenthesetypesofthoughtscomeup,understandthattheyarejustthoughtsandthatyoudon’tneedtofearthem.Byallmeans,learnfromyourpastandthenletitgo;knowthatthefuturewillbefineifyouapproachitonemomentatatime.Don’tjumpthegun,itwillbeheresoonenough.
Twelve/LifeIsLikeaPendulum
Anexcellentwaytounderstandwhereunhappinessexistsinyourmindand,moreimportant,howtoovercomeit,istostudythefollowingchart.
Theleftsideofthischartisyourhealthyfunctioning.Rememberyourhealthyfunctioningisinherent,youwerebornwithit.Yourhealthyfunctioningisyourmindwhenitisn’tactivelyanalysingorthinkingaboutwhat’swrongorfindingfaultwithyourlife.Healthyfunctioningfeelsgoodanditpromoteshappiness,self-esteem,andwell-being.Themomentsinyourlifeduringwhichyoufeelsatisfied,whenlifefeels‘justright’,youhavetappedintothissimple,effortless,
naturalstateofmind.It’snotmysteriousormadeup,it’syourbirthright.Yourhealthyfunctioning,althoughnotalwaysrecognized,isalwayspresent.Itliesunderneaththeveilofnegativeandinsecurethoughtsthatdominateyourmind.Theonlyobstacletoyourhealthyfunctioningarethethoughtsinyourheadthatyoutakeseriously.Rightnow,seeifyoucangentlyclearyourmind.Relax.Don’tthinkaboutanythinginparticular.Asthoughtsenteryourmind,letthemgo.Seethemasthoughtsandjustletthemgo.Howdoyoufeelrightnow?
Therightsideofthechartisyouranalyticalmind.Althoughyouranalyticalmindisveryimportant,thereisnothingnaturalaboutit.Everycharacteristicwithinthispartofyourmindis,bydefinition,learned,or‘thoughtcentred’.Youdon’tnaturallyliveinyourpastoryourfuture;youlearntodoso.Youaren’tpredisposedtofocusingonproblems;youhavedevelopedthishabit.Youdidn’thaveprejudicesatbirth;theywerelearnedovertime.Youweren’tbornwithanegative,pessimistic,andscepticalattitude;youlearnedit.
TheQuietMountainsandtheBarkingDogPerhapsthebestwaytounderstandthedifferencebetweenyourhealthyfunctioningandyouranalyticalmindistodrawananalogy.Imagineyourselfinthemountainssittingbyacampfire.Youareallbyyourselfandit’sperfectlyquiet.Youcametothemountainstogetsomepeaceandquiet,andyouhavefounditandsomuchmore.Youfeellikeanewperson,asthoughyouhaveregainedyourperspectiveonlife.
Allofasudden,however,youbegintonoticeabarkingdogwayoffinthedistance.Thebarkgetslouderandlouderasyoufocusyourattentiononit,anditbeginstograteonyournerves.Youtrytoignoreit,butyoucan’t.Itgoesonandonandon,andgetsevenlouder.‘Whywon’thestop?’youthinktoyourself.‘Whydoesn’thisownershuthimup?’Thedistantbarkinghasdisturbedyourpeaceandquiet.Youbegintofeelasthoughyourtripwasawasteoftime.Youforgetthatyouwereexperiencingthepeaceandquiet.
Yourhealthyfunctioningcanbelookedatasthepeaceandquietyouwereexperiencingbeforeyounoticedthedog.Thepeaceandquietwasnothingfancy,itwasjustquietandnice.Youfeltinspiredandrejuvenated.Youhadperspectiveandyoufeltasenseofwholeness.Ifyouneededtothink,youdidsoclearlyandwithwisdom.Yourlifeseemedsimple.Yousawbeauty.Yousawanswers,notproblems.
Youranalyticalmindcanbelookedatasthenoiseofthedogbarkinginthedistance.Themoreyoufocusedonthat,themoreitseemedlikethunder
distance.Themoreyoufocusedonthat,themoreitseemedlikethunderpoundinginyourheadandthemorethenoiseseemedtodominateyourconsciousnessandtakeyourattentionawayfromyourpeaceandquiet.Itseemedasifthedogwasrightnexttoyou.Thenoiseseemedtobecallingouttoyou,‘Don’tenjoythequiet,listentome.’Youranalyticalmindislikeabarkingdogpleadingforyourattention.Itwantsyoutolistentoit,itwantstobethecentreofattention,itdoesn’twantyoutofocusonanythingelsebutitself.
Yourhealthyfunctioningandyouranalyticalmindarebothpresentatthesametime.Inouranalogy,thequietofthemountainswasstillthere,itneverleftthescene.Itdid,however,becomeobscuredorcoveredupbythedistantnoise.Interestingly,thenoiseofthebarkingdog(youranalyticalmind)wasthereevenbeforeyouheardit.Likeapendulum,backandforthyouswingfromthequiettothebarking.Thequietisalwaysthere–itbringsyoupeace.Thebarkingisalwaysthere–itcandriveyoucrazy.Botharepresent,butit’syourattention,yourabilitytothink,thatdetermineswhichmodeyouwillexperienceatanygivenmoment.Doyoulistentothenoise,ordoyoulistentothequiet?It’suptoyou.
StudyChildrenThenexttimeyougetachance,takealookataparkfullofyoungchildren–andrememberwewereallchildrenatonetime.Childrennaturallygetalongwithoneanother.Theydohaveoccasionaldisputesandarguments,buttheyusuallyendupfindingwaystohavefuntogether.Theydon’tdwellonmistakes,andyettheyhaveatremendousabilitytolearn.Theyrollwiththepunches,andtreateveryoneequally.Theyseethebeautyinlife,andvirtuallyeverythingisapotentialsourceofjoyandhumour.Childrendon’tcareifyouareblackorwhiteordisabled.Childrendon’tbasetheirhappinessonthesizeoftheirbankaccountsorthesizeoftheirparents’bankaccounts.Theyareopentonewideas.Ifyoutellachildthathecan’tdosomething,helooksforsomethingelsehecando.Thesearenaturalqualitiesthateveryonebringstolife.Theyarequalitiesthatcanberegainedbysimplyrecognizingthattheobstacletothemisyourownthinking.
Doesthismeanthatchildrenarealwayshappy?Absolutelynot!Childrenhaveenormoustempers,theycanbeveryselfishandself-centredandtheycansulkoveralmostanything.Childrenarenotalwayshappybecausetheyarehumanbeings.They,likeeveryoneelse,reacttotheirownthinking.Thedifference,however,betweenchildrenandmostadultsisthatwhenchildrengetupsettheysimplygetupsetandthengoonwiththeirlives.Theydon’tlabelthemselvesasdepressedorangrypeople.Althoughtheirthinkingmadethemupsettobeginwith,theydon’tcompoundtheproblembyusingtheirthinkingtoholdtheirnegativefeelingsinplace.Theyintuitivelyknowthatwhateveritwasthattheywereupsetaboutisnowonlyathought.Thespecificsoftheupsetaren’timportanttoachildandthatistheirprotection.Whetheritwasanargumentwithasiblingoraparent,orsomethingtheyattemptedtodothatfailed,isn’trelevanttoachild.Whatisimportantisthattheydon’tholdontothememoryasifitwerehappeningrightnow.
Whilenoneofusisalwayshappy,itisneverthelessthecasethatallofuswerebornwithanaturalbenttowardsthehappysideofthispendulum.Wewerebornwithanaturalcuriosity,adesiretogrowandlearn.Wewerebornwithanopenandacceptingattitude,aninnocentandhealthysenseofhumour.Wewerebornseeingthebeautyinoursurroundings.Ifyouremoveyourveilofnegativethinkingbyrecognizingthatthoughtsarejustthoughts,andbydismissingyournegativethoughts,youwillredevelopthischildlikeattitudeandyouwillfeelgoodagain.
Aseachofusgrewolderwedevelopedouranalyticalmind,ourownunique
thoughtsystems(seechapter7).Verysimply,throughthepowersofourownobservation,thought,andintellect,wetriedtomakesenseofourworld.Weputthecomponentsofourlivesintocategories,welabelledpeople,places,andthings,andwedevelopedanattitudetowardslife.
AsIexplainedinchapter7,thereisnothingwrongwithyourthoughtsystem.Youmusthaveoneandyourinterpretationoflifeseemseverybitasrealtoyouasminedoestome.Asitdeveloped,yousawwhatyousawandyoutriedtomakesenseoutofit.AsIpointedoutearlier,theproblemisn’tthatyouhaveathoughtsystem,theproblemisthatit’sverydifficulttoquestionit.Therefore,youtendtobelievewhateveryouthink.Truefreedomcomeswhenyoubegintodistrust,justalittle,yourthought-createdversionoflife.Asyoudo,youwillnaturallytuneintoadeeper,wiserpartofyourself–yourhealthyfunctioning.
Itisimportanttorealizethateveryonehasbothhealthyfunctioningandalearnedstateofmind.ThependulumI’mreferringtoistheswingingbetweenyourhealthyfunctioningandyouranalyticalmindduringthecourseofaday.Thereisnothinganyofuscandotomakeeitherofthemgoawaybecausebothofthemareanintegralpartofbeinghuman.Wecan,however,learntodiscreditthevalidityofpartsofourthoughtsystemwhenitcomestomattersofhappinessandwell-being.Wecanalsolearntodirectourattentiontowardsourhealthyfunctioning–swingthependulumifyouwill–whenwhatweareexperiencingisn’twhatwewouldlike.Toofewofusrealizethatthisotherpartofus,thishealthyfunctioning,iseverybitasrealandpresentasourthoughtsystemandiscrucialtoourhappinessandpeaceofmind.
Whileyouareexperiencingyourhealthyfunctioning,however,youarestillproducingthoughts.Ifathoughtentersyourmindandyoufollowthatthought,youareatriskofswingingthependulumintheotherdirection.Thegoalistobecomeconsciousaboutwhichtrainsofthoughttofollow.Youwanttobeabletodecideforyourselfif,andwhen,youswingthependulumbacktoyourthoughtsystem.
HowDoYouSwingthePendulum?Manydepressedpeoplebelievetheyarealwaysdepressed.Myexperience,however,hasshownmethatthisisnottrue.Evenseverelydepressedpeoplehavependulumswings,momentsinthedaywhentheyareexperiencinghealthyfunctioning.Even30secondsofinnerpeaceisaswinginthependulum.Manyhappypeoplewhousedtobedepressedhavetoldme,‘Lookingback,Icansee
thatIdidexperiencemomentsofhealthyfunctioning,Isimplyneverrecognizedit.’Themomentsarethere.Whenyoufailtorecognizethem,however,asingleinsecurethoughtcanencourageyourmindtostartspinningonceagain.Becausethisdynamichappenssoquickly,andsoautomatically,youmayincorrectlyconcludethatyouarealwaysdepressed.
Inmanyrespectsit’sfarmoreimportanttorecognizewhenyouareinastateofhealthyfunctioningthantorecognizewhenyouarestuckinyouranalyticalmind.Asyourecognizehealthyfunctioningforwhatitisyouencouragemoreofitinyourlife.Recognizinghealthyfunctioningisapreventivemeasure.Ithelpsyoubecomefamiliarwithwhatitfeelsliketofeelgood.Thereisclearlyadominoeffectthattakesplace–oneminuteofpositivefeelingleadstoanotherandthenanotherandsoon.
Thesamedominoeffectcanapplytonegativefeelings,whichispreciselywhyyouneverwanttodwellonnegativefeelings.Asyouthinkabouthowbadyoufeel,andasyoufocusattentiononthatfeeling,youareineffectaskingformoreofthesame.Ifyouwanttofeelgoodyoumustlearntodetectandthenfollowyourgoodfeelings.
Whenyoudofindyourselftrappedinyouranalyticalmind,stuckontheright-handsideofthechart,thebestyoucandoisdropyourthoughts,clearyourmind,andrelax.Yourproblemisclear:youarecaughtupinyourthinking.Youdon’tneedtoknowanythingelse.Whetheryouarecaughtupinthoughtsaboutarelationship,money,sex,oryourpastisn’trelevant.Whatisrelevantisthefactthatyouarecaughtup.Analysingwhatyouthinkiswrongwillonlymakemattersworse.Whateverthoughtsyouarethinkingwillgrowinyourmindasyoustudythem.Andasyourthoughtsgrow,youwillfeelworseandworse.Youwillunknowinglybecementingyourselfontotheanalyticalsideofthependulum.
Yourhealthyfunctioningisthemostimportantpartofyourlife.Ifyoualignyourselfwithyourhealthyfunctioning,yourpersonalitywillrightitself.Yet,noamountofworkthatyouputintoyourpersonalitywillaffectyourhealthyfunctioning.It’sworththeefforttobecomeawareofyourhealthyfunctioning.It’sallyouneedtoliveafullyfunctional,happylife.
Whilewehavenocontroloverthefactthatwehavebothhealthyfunctioningandananalyticalmind,wedohavecontroloverwherewechoosetoputourgreatestamountofattention.Certainlytherearemanyinstanceswhenusingyourintellectispreferabletousingyourhealthyfunctioning:learningsomenewskill,balancingyourcheque-book,fixingtheelectricity,tryingtorememberaphone
numberorwhereyouleftyourcar.Intheseinstances,puttingyourattentiononyourthinkingmindisnecessaryanddesirable.Surprisingly,however,avastpartofyourlifewouldbefarbetterlivedandexperiencedwithoutyour‘computer’turnedon.Youcan’tenjoylifeifyouareanalysingit;youcan’tsmelltherosesifyouarerunningpastthem;youcan’tenjoynewpeopleifyouprejudgethem;youcan’thavefundoingsimplethingsifyouarethinkingabouthowstupidtheyare;youcan’tberelaxedifyouareworriedaboutwhatmighthappen;youcan’tenjoyyourworkifyouarecomparingyourselftoothers;andyoucan’tevenenjoyyourweekendsorholidaysifyouarewalkingaroundgeneratingconcernsalldaylong.
Theonlythingthatstandsbetweenyouandacompletelydifferentexperienceoflife–alifewithoutdepression–isyourabilitytorealizethateachmoment,especiallythosemomentswhendepressionislooming,isapotentialswingofthependulum,achoicepoint(seechapter8).Youcanfocusyourattentiononyourbadfeelingsandkeepthependulumonthenegativesideofyourpsychologicalscale,keepingitalive,nursingit,almostasthoughyouwantittostaywithyou.Oryoucanignore(evenifitdoesn’tinitiallyseempossible)thenegativefeelingsthatyouarehaving,realizingtheyarethought-created,andswingthependulumbacktowardsyourhealthyfunctioning,therebytappingintothepartofyourselfthatdoesn’texperiencedepression,thatfeelspeaceandlove,andisfilledwithwisdom.
Theonlythingthatcandefeatyouisalackofpersistenceonyourpart.Thefirstfewtimesyouchallengeyourtendencytogiveintoyourdepressedfeelingsyoumaynotnoticeanimmediateorparticularlystrongshiftinhowyoufeelbecauseyoumaynotbelettinggoenough.Butstickwithit–itgetsmucheasier.Asyoupractiseignoringwhatyoudon’twant,andturninsteadtowardswhatyoudowant,youwillsoonbegintofeelashift.
Asyougetthehangofit,andpractisecontrollingthefocusofyourattention,youwillseethatlifereallyislikeapendulum,anditreallyisaboutchoice.Yougothroughshiftsinconsciousness,shiftsinhowyoufeel,throughouteachday.Theshiftsarecompletelyharmlessand,infact,arequitenatural.Theharm,orpain,comesfromyourstudying,thinkingabout,andfocusingonthethought-createdfeelingsthatyoudon’twantanythingtodowith.Asyouseethedynamic,andasyoupractiseworkingwiththenaturalflowofthependulum,youwillbecomelessandlessfrightenedbyyourownfeelings,therebydispensingwiththeonesyounolongerwant,whilenurturingtheonesyoudowant.Lifewillbecomeinterestingandrichagainbecauseyouwillbeturning
towardssomethinggreaterthanthattowhichyouareaccustomed,toamorepowerfulandgenuinepartofyourselfthatknowsthejoyofhappiness.
YourFeelingsAreYourGuideYourfeelingsletyouknowwhichsideofyourmindyouareonatanygivenmoment,thustellingyouwhetheryouneedtomakeamentaladjustment.Ifyoufeelpeaceful,incontrol,competent,balanced,happy,contented,andsatisfied,youknowthatemotionallyyouareonthehealthierside.Noadjustmentneedstobemade.Keeprightonliving.Youwillmakegreatdecisions,youwilllookafteryourownbestinterests,youwillbekind,considerate,andeasy-going.Whendecisionsneedtobemade,youwillbelevel-headed,evenifthedecisionsaredifficult.If,however,youfindyourselffeelingdepressed,bothered,agitated,frustrated,rushed,hurried,defensive,jealous,angry,frightened,orinsomeotherwayimmobilized,yourfeelingsletyouknowthatyouhaveshiftedovertothemorefamiliarsideofyouremotionalscale.
Letmemakesomethingveryclear.There’sabsolutelynothingwrongwithbeingonthatfamiliarsideoftheemotionalscale.I’mnotsuggestingthatit’sneverappropriateorevenimportanttohavethesevariousfeelings.Itiscritical,however,thatyourealizetheseemotionsarethought-createdandthattheyarelearned.Ifyouhadn’tlearnedtofeeldefensive,forexample,youwouldn’tfeeldefensive.Thereisnothinginherentinyouthatmakesyoufeelthisway.Thesameistruewithpessimism.Regardlessofhowithappened,youlearnedtobepessimistic.
Youdon’tneedtojudgeyourselfonhowoftenorhowlongyouspendinyouranalyticalmind.Nooneiskeepingscore.Infact,thelessyoukeepscore,theeasieritwillbetoswingyourselfinthedirectionofyourchoice.Knowingwhereyouareemotionallyisimportant.Ifyouuseyourfeelingstoyouradvantage,andyourecognizewhenyouareofftrack,youwillatleasthavetheoptionoflookingforsomethingelse.If,ontheotherhand,yougetintoyourfeelingssimplybecausetheyarethere,youwillhavenooptionsavailabletoyou.Youwillhavetostrugglewithyourthinkingeachtimeyouexperienceanegativeemotion.
Whenyouallowyournegativefeelingstoalertyouthatyouareemotionallyofftrack,youcanbegintodirectyourattentionawayfromyouranalyticalmindwheretheproblemstarted,andinsteadbringyourattentiontowardsyourhealthyfunctioningwherethesolutionexists,whereyougainsomeperspectiveandlookforananswer.
Yourfeelings,evenyournegativeones,canhelpguideyouthroughyourlife.Bypayingattentiontothem,yetneverdwellingonthenegativeones,youcanusethemtohelpswingyouremotionalpenduluminyourfavour.Asyouturnyourattentionawayfromyourthinkingmindwhenyouareinemotional
turnyourattentionawayfromyourthinkingmindwhenyouareinemotionaltrouble,yourlifewillsettledownandlookbeautifulonceagain.Yourlowswon’tseemsobadandtheycertainlywon’tlastaslong.Infact,youcanbecomequitecomfortablewhenyouaredown–whenyouknowthatgoingbackupisjustamatteroftime.
Thirteen/MentalHealthandtheDynamicsofUnhappiness
Aswehaveseen,thestateofmentalhealthischaracterizedbyfeelingsofwell-beingthatareinnatewithineachofus.Wehavecalledthispositivestateofmind‘healthyfunctioning’.Thesedeephumanfeelingsdonotdependonanyexternalcircumstance,onlifebeinganycertainway.Thus,mentalhealthisnevercompletelylost,anddoesn’thavetofluctuatedependingonwhatishappeninginaperson’slife.Inastateofmentalhealth,weintuitivelyunderstandthenatureofthoughtandhowitworkstocreateourpersonalreality–ourhappinessandourunhappiness.Whenthishappens,wearenolongervictimsofthecontentofourownthinking.Instead,weriseabovethecontentofourthoughtstoaplacewherewearefreefromitseffects.
Mentalproblemsandunhappinessaretheresultofanindividualbecomingoverlyabsorbedbythecontentofhisownnegativethinking,whileatthesametimebeingunawarethatheisthinking.Eachtimethisoccurs,theindividualinvolvedwillbeatthemercyofthespecificcontentofhisownthinking.Ifhisthinkingisnegative,sotoowillbethefeelingsheexperiences.However,becauseheisunawarethatheistheproducerofthosefeelingsviahisownthinking,hewillplacetheblameforthosefeelingsonexternalsourcesratherthanonthenegativethinkingitself,whichoriginateswithinhimself.Theusualresultisthattheindividualtriestounderstandwhyhefeelssobadbythinkingaboutwhatwouldmakehimfeelbetter,orhowhecouldalterhisenvironmenttoimprovehislife.Unfortunately,whenapersonisalreadyfeelingbad,thiswillalwaysinitiateaviciouscyclewhereintheindividualsustainshisnegativerealitybywonderinghoworwhenitcouldbedifferent.
Youareprobablybeginningtoseethehopelessnessoftryingtothinkyourwayoutofnegativefeelings.Youcan’tdoit.Mentalhealth,orpositivefeelings,arealwayspresentbutbecomeobscuredbynegativethinking.Themoreyouthinkabouttheproblemorhowyoufeel,themorelostyouwillbecomewithinyourownthoughts.Thethoughtsthemselvesaretheproblem,notthesolution.
Thewayoutofthisnegativeloopistostopgeneratingnegativethoughts.Manypeoplerespondtothissuggestionbysaying‘Easiersaidthandone,’butinfactthisisnotasdifficultasitseems,assoonasyourealizethatyouaretheoneproducingthenegativethoughtstobeginwith.Thethoughtsyouarehavingoriginatewithinyourselfandarenottheresultofsomeexternalcondition.
Unhappinessisaresultofnegativethinkingthatresultsinnegativefeelingsand,often,negativebehaviour.Animportantpointtounderstandisthis:theverymomentapersondropshisnegativethoughtprocess,thatpersonexperiencesanimmediateshiftinthewayhefeelsforthebetter.Forexample,supposeyouhaveaheatedargumentwithaco-workerthatresultsinyouleavingtheconversationinahuff.Youstormoutoftheroomandasyoudrivehomesteamingmadyoureviewtheargumentinyourmindoverandoveragain.Asyouthinkabouttheconflict,youfeelthenegativeeffectsofyourthinking–yougetangrierandmorefrustrated.Asyouwalkintoyourhouse,however,thephoneisringingandyourushovertoanswerit.Adearfriendisonthelinewhoyouhaven’tspokentoinoverayear.Youaredistracted,yourattentionisshiftedawayfromtheproblem,andforallpracticalpurposes,itdisappears.Whileyouareonthephone,yourproblemisforgotten.
Whenanythingisforgottenordismissed,itmeansthatitdoesnotexistinyourmind.Andifsomethingdoesn’texistinyourmind,itdoesn’texistinyourrealityandyouarenotaffectedbyit.Theonlywaytobringthatrealitybacktoyourselfistothinkaboutitagain.
Labellingyourselfasunhappyisadangerousthingtodo.Yourpersonalrealityconsistsofthatwhichyouthinkabout.Theactoflabellingyourfeelingskeepsthethoughtsofhowbadyoufeelaliveinyourmind.Again,thinkingisthesourceoftheproblem.
Intermsoflearningtoeliminateunhappiness,acriticaldistinctionneedstobemadebetweenaprincipleanddetails.Aprincipleiswhatisapplicableregardlessofthespecificsofanysituation.Thedetails,ofcourse,arethevariablesthatdifferfromonesituationtothenext.Inourexampleabove,youwouldhavebeenfreedofyournegativefeelingspriortoreceivingyourphonecallfromyourfriendthemomentyourealizedthatyouwerecreatingyourownangryfeelingsbykeepingtheargumentaliveinyourthinking.Thisistrueregardlessofwhattheargumenthappenedtobeabout,howlongitlasted,howbaditwas,thelooksonyourco-worker’sface,andsoon.Thisiskeytounderstandingtheprincipleofhowthoughtworks.
If,however,youhadgonetoatraditionalpsychotherapisttodealwiththisissue,youwouldundoubtedlyhavebeeninstructedtofocusonanddealwiththespecificdetailsinvolved,suchashowyoufeltduringtheargument,aftertheargument,andsoforth.
Understandingtheprincipleofthoughtallowsyoutosetasidetheconfusingdetailsthatgoalongwithanyproblemsothatyoucanseehowtostop
generatingyourmentalanguishinthefirstplace.Thedetailsofyourproblemsdon’tmatterintermsoflearninghowtobelessaffectedbythem.Theyapplyonlytospecificissues.Thecontentofyourthoughtsbecomesaproblemonlywhenyouforgetthattheyarejustthoughts.
Thedynamicsofunhappinessarebestunderstoodasaprinciplewhichisalwaysthesame.Theonlyobstaclesstandinginthewayofmentalhealtharenegativeandinsecurethoughtsthatwebecomeabsorbedinto.Withoutrealizingthatwearetheproducersofthosethoughts,wearevictimsofourownthinking.Whenweunderstand,however,thatweareputtingonourownshow,webecomeempoweredtoimprovethequalityofourlives.Whateverthespecificthoughtsthatmakeusunhappy,theyarestillonlythoughts.Andasthoughts,theyhavenopowertohurtus.
GenuineSadnessYoumaybethinking,ifthecauseofournegativefeelingsandunhappinessisalwaysourownthinking,isthereanylegitimacyinfeelingsadness?Theanswerisanabsoluteyes.It’simportant,however,todrawadistinctionbetweengenuinesadnessandbecomingimmobilizedbyyourownthinkingtothepointofbecomingunhappyforanextendedperiodoftime.
Genuinesadnessisanaturalpartoflife.Thereisnothingunhealthyaboutit.Sadnessresultswheneveryoufeelasenseoflossordisappointment.Suppose,forexample,yourchildishurtinanaccident.It’scrazytoassumeyouwouldn’tfeelanysadnessaboutthisevent.Ofcourseyouwould.Thesadnessyoudidfeelwouldincludefeelingsofconcern,compassion,and,perhaps,gratitude.Inthisway,sadnessisaverypositivefeeling.Itremindsyouofwhatyouhave,orinsomecaseswhatyouhad.Sadnessisn’tsomethingtorunorhidefrom,it’srealandimportant.Itaddstremendousdepthtoyourlife.
AsIwillexplaininchapter14,thefeelingofsadnesscomesandgoes.It’snotpermanent,anditdoesnotnecessarilyhavetoleadtoafeelingofdespairorhopelessness.Inorderforsadnesstoturnintounhappiness,depression,orhopelessness,youwouldhavetoholdontothethoughtsabouttheeventyouwereexperiencing.So,asintheaboveexample,insteadoffeelingsadnessaboutyourchild’saccidentandthenmovingon,youmightcontinueorevenmagnifyyourthoughtsabouttheeventuntiltheybegantooverwhelmyou.Thoughtslike‘OhmyGod,whatamIgoingtodoifshedoesn’tgetbetter?’begintofillyourhead.Asyoupayfurtherattentiontotheseadditionalthoughtsabouttheevent,yourgenuinesadnesstrans-formsitselfintoanegativestateofmind.
Itboilsdowntothis:genuinesadnesscanleadtoafeelingoflove,whereasgettingcaughtinthedynamicofunhappinessusuallyleadstoself-pityandhopelessness.Ifyoucanseethatit’snotonlypossible,butinfactdesirabletofeelsadnesswithoutbecomingimmobilizedbyit,youwillbeonyourwaytoexperiencingallnegativeeventsinanentirelynewway.Itjusttakesalittlepracticeatdismissingtheextrathoughtsthatkeepthesadnessalive.
Whenapainfuleventtakesplace,suchasthebreakupofarelationship,it’sasthoughyouareataforkintheroad.Onedirection,the‘highroad’,leadstogrowthandgratitude;theother,the‘lowroad’,leadsstraighttotheemotionaldump.Thedirectionyoutakedependsentirelyonyourlevelofunderstanding.
Thehighroadallowsyoutofeelthesenseofloss,yetwhenthoughtslike‘Whyme?’enteryourmind,youdismissthem.Inthisway,you’llstillfeelthesadness,buttheseverityanddurationofyoursadnesswillbelimited,andyour
sadnesswon’tturnintoanongoingnegativestateofmind.Dismissingthesethoughtsisn’tthesameasdenial.Youaredismissingyournegativethoughtsforonereasonalone–toreconnectwithyourhealthyfunctioning.Whenyoudo,yourwisdomwilltellyouwhattodonext.
Thelowroadinvolvesfeelingyoursadnessbutalsopayingattentiontothepainfulthoughtsthatkeepenteringyourmind.Withoutconsciouslydecidingtodismissyourpainfulthoughts,thethoughtswillfeedupononeanother.‘Whyme?’willbefollowedbyanynumberofothernegative,painfulthoughtsthatwillsoonactlikeasnowballrollingdownamountain.Onethoughtwillleadtoanotherandthenanother.Prettysoon,yourentiremindisfilledwithsadnessandself-pity.
Theonlywaytoavoidthisdynamicistobeacutelyawarethatthisiswhatwillhappenunlessyouconsciouslydecidetodismissyoursadthoughtsastheyenteryourmind.Anyonecanhandlethethought‘Whyme?’Thehardpartiswhenonesadthoughtturnsintotensadthoughts.
Manypeoplehonestlybelievethatit’snaturaltofeeldepressed,overwhelmed,frustrated,orimmobilizedwhencertaineventstakeplace,suchasthelossofalovedone,aterminaldisease,abreakup,oradivorce.Thisisnotnecessarilythecase.Whatistrueisthatit’snaturaltofeelsadness.But,aswehaveseen,sadnessdoesn’tnecessarilyhavetoturnintoall-outnegativity.
Understandingthoughtandthedynamicsofunhappinessallowsustofeelthenaturalhumanfeelingsthatweallsharewithoutallowingthesefeelingstogetthebetterofus.Thisunderstandingdoesnotinvolveignoringorrepressingnaturalemotions,butratherlearningthatfeelingsandthoughtsneednotoverwhelmus.Instead,youcanlearntouseyourfeelingsasanavigationaltooltoguideyouthroughdifficulttimesandpointyoutowardscontentment.
Fourteen/GriefandLoss
Wehavetocometoanimportantdistinctionthatliesattheheartoflearningtofeelbetter.Thisdistinctionhastodowiththedifferencebetweenhavingpainfulthoughtsandturningthosepainfulthoughtsintoanegativestateofmind.Thepurposeofthischapteristoshowyouthatyoucanhaveonewithouttheother.
Wheneversomethingpainfuloccursinyourlife,suchasalossofsomekind,youarequitenaturallygoingtohavethoughtsaboutthatevent.Manyofthesethoughtsaregoingtobepainfulthoughts,thoughtsofregret,confusion,orloss.Thespecificcontentofthesepainfulthoughtswill,ofcourse,varyfrompersontoperson.
Thoughts,inandofthemselves,painfulornot,havenorealitytothem.Theyarejustthoughts.Ifyourpainfulthoughtscomeandgo,theywillbelikeallyourotherthoughts.Theywillenteryourmindandthenfloatfromyourconsciousness.Forexample,afterlosingsomeoneyouloveyoumighthavethethought,‘I’llneverseeheragain.I’mgoingtomissher.’Withthesethoughtsyouwillfeelacorrespondingemotionalfeeling,inthiscase,sadness,whichisnatural.
Thenatureofthoughtsisthattheydocomeandgo.Inthisexample,thethought‘I’llneverseeheragain.I’mgoingtomissher,’willdriftfromyourconsciousness–andaminutelateryouwillbehavingadifferentsetofthoughts.Thenewthoughtsmightberelatedtoyoursenseofloss,ortheymightbeunrelated.Youcanseethatasthoughtscrossyourmindanddriftawaynaturally,theyareharmless.Yourknowledgeofthepassingnatureofthoughtsisthefactorthatallowsthemtopassmorequicklyanddriftfromyourconsciousness.Inotherwords,becauseyouknowthatyourpainfulthoughtsareonlytemporary,theyhavelessnegativeimpactonyourstateofmindanddon’tstaywithyouaslong.Becauseyouknowtheyaretemporary,youareabletopaylessattentiontothem.
If,insteadoflettingthesethoughtsdriftthroughyourmind,youholdontothem,makethemrealandgivethemsignificancebypayingthemundueattention,theywillstaypresentinyourminduntiltheybecomeadepression.
Asathoughtstayswithyouitbeginstotakeitseffectonthewayyoufeel.Evenathoughtaboutaminorissuesuchasapersondrivingtooslowlyinfrontofyoucansendyoucrazyifitdoesn’tleaveyourmindquicklyenough.Wehavetheability,ifwesochoose,tomakeanythoughtsaspermanentaswewish.Thisispreciselywhysomanypeopleliveinanalmostconstantstateof
Thisispreciselywhysomanypeopleliveinanalmostconstantstateoffrustrationandirritation–oftenovertrivialthings.Theythinkaboutsomethingandhangontothethoughtasifdoingsowassomehowgoingtohelp.
Peoplewhofindthemselvesinthispredicamentoftencometotheconclusionthattheobjectoftheirthinking(i.e.theslowdriverinfrontofyou)isthecauseoftheirnegativefeeling.Thisisn’ttrue.Theslowdriverislonggoneandoutofthepicture–otherthaninyourownmind.Theactualcauseofthenegativefeelingyouareexperiencingistheexcessthoughtaboutthedriver.Ifyouhaddismissedthethoughtsthatenteredyourmindinsteadoffocusedonthem,youmayhavefeltsomeslightirritation,buttheeventwouldn’thaveturnedintoanegativefeelingstate.Thesamecauseforunhappinessistruewhetheryourissueisapainfulpast,anuncertainfuture,afeelingofhopelessness,anungratefulspouse,toomuchresponsibility,ornotenoughmoney.It’salwaysthethoughtsyouhaveaboutevents,nottheeventsthemselvesthatcreatethefeelingsyouexperience.Youcanhavethoughtsaboutanyissue,nomatterhowpainfulitmaybe,andbeshieldedfromfeelingbad.Yourthoughtscannothurtyouaslongasyourememberthatyouarethethinkerofyourownthoughtsandthatyourthoughtsarecreatingthefeelingsyouareexperiencing.Aslongasyouletthesethoughtscomeandgo,theireffectonyouwillbeminimal.
A‘feelingstate’isastateofmindthatcomesaboutbykeepingthoughtsatthefrontofyourmind.Anytimeyouholdontoordwellonathought,beitpositiveornegative,youshiftfromastateofpassingthoughts,whichhavenopotentialtoharmyou,toastateofmindor‘feelingstate’whichdoeshavethepotentialtoharmyou.
Ifweletthemsimmerinourminds,ourthoughtswillcreatethefeelingsweexperience.Apassingthoughtsuchas‘Myhusbandmightbehavinganaffair’hasnopowertohurtyou.If,however,thatidenticalthoughtisrepeated,ifitleadstoothersimilar,relatedthoughtsandanalysisofallthenegativepossibilities,discussionwithatherapistaboutyourfears,andsoforth,thissameinnocentandharmlessthoughtcanturnintoafeelingstateofinsecurity,jealousy,orfear.Thethoughtitselfwasharmless–andyoucouldverywellhaveletitpassawaylikeallyourotherthoughts.It’swhatyoudowithathought,andhowyourelatetoathought,notthethoughtitself,thatdetermineshowyouaregoingtofeelandreact.
It’smoredifficulttogetoutofanegativefeelingstatethanitistopreventyourselffromgettingintoone.Onceyouunderstandthedynamicsofthought,preventingnegativefeelingstatescanbeverysimple.Inthesamewaythatyou
wouldturndownaglassofwaterthatwasofferedtoyouifyourthirstwasalreadyquenched,youcanlearntoletthoughtsdriftfromyourmindifyourmindhashadenough.Onceyouknowtheendresultofdwellingonyourthoughts–afeelingstate–overthinkinglosesitsappeal.
Eventhoughitcanbedifficulttopullyourselfoutofanegativefeelingstate,itispossible,onceyouseewherethenegativitystemsfrom–inyourownthoughts.Whenyouarealreadyinanegativestateofmind,negativityisallyousee.Thenegativityitself,however,alwaysstemsfromthesameplace.Itstemsfromholdingontowhatevernegativethoughtsyouwerehaving.Simplethoughtslike‘I’llneverbeanygoodatthat’canbedismissedandletgoof,ortheycanbefocusedon,studied,analysed,ordweltupon.Ifyouletgoofthisthought,letitpassthroughyourmindlikeotherthoughts,theeffectonyouremotionalwell-beingwillbeinsignificant.If,however,youmakesomethingofthethought,studyit,andgiveitsignificance,youwillhaveopenedthedoorforunnecessaryandalmostcertainpain.Wealldothistoourselves,tovariousextents,everyday.Withproperunderstanding,however,wecanreduce,toalargedegree,thisself-inflictedpainandsuffering.
Themostdifficultpartofthisunderstandingtograsp,andsomethingthatisabsolutelycriticaltounderstand,isthatwhenyouarefeelinglow,youwillrarelyrealizewhatyouhavedonetoyourself.Youprobablywon’trealizethatyouhaveheldontoanegativethought,orseriesofnegativethoughts,tothepointofturningthosethoughtsintoanegativefeelingstate.Youprobablywon’trealizethatyouhaveturnedapassingthoughtintoan‘institution’inyourmind.Instead,youwillbetemptedtobelieve,evenarguethepoint,‘Iwasn’tthinkingnegatively,Ijustfeelbad.Ihaverealproblems.’Inordertoimplementthisunderstandingfully,youmustseewhereallnegativefeelingstatescomefrom–thought.It’sreallyanall-or-nothingunderstanding.Youmustseethatit’simpossibletofeeljealouswithoutfirsthavingjealousthoughts,it’simpossibletofeelangrywithoutfirsthavingangrythoughts,it’simpossibletofeelworriedwithoutfirsthavingworriedthoughts,andit’simpossibletofeeldepressedwithoutfirsthavingdepressingthoughts.Iknowthissoundsobvious,butinawayit’snot.Becausethoughtsandfeelingsaresocloselylinked,it’sverydifficulttoseewhat’shappeningtoyourself–whileit’shappening.Thetimeittakestolinknegativethoughtstogethertocreateanegativefeelingstateisaboutthesameastheamountoftimeittakestoflickonalightswitchandseethelight–it’sinstant.It’simportanttounderstandthattherearenoexceptionstothisprinciple,evenwhenitseemsasthoughthereare.It’salwaysgoingtoseemas
thoughanegativefeelingstateexistsonitsown–asifitjusthappenedtoyououtoftheblue.Itdidn’t!Itstemmedfromthoughtsthatwerekeptinyourmindtoolong.Thegoodnewsisthatbecausefeelingstatesstemfromyourownthoughts,youcanlearntohavecontroloverthefeelingstateyouareinbylearningtodismissnegativethoughtsastheyenteryourmind.
Theminddoesn’tdealverywellinabstractions.Whenyouaren’tfeelingemotionallywell,yourmind,inanattempttoexplainitspredicament,attachesitselftosomethingtangible.Soratherthanjustallowingyourselfsimplytofeelbadknowingthatyournegativefeelingscamefromyourownthoughts,yourmindsearchesforamoresophisticatedexplanation.‘Ifeelbadbecausemylifeisnogood,’or‘IfeelbadbecauseIamsick,’becometheso-calledreasonsforourmisery.Themindonlydoesthisoutofhabit.Thereasonswecomeupwithseemtous,andtoeveryoneelse,tomakecompletesense,sowecontinuebelievinginthem.Wethinkaboutthereasonsfrequently,wetalktoothersaboutthereasons,andsoforth.Wedothiswithoutrealizingthatalthoughwearesearchingforasolutiontoourproblems,whatwearereallydoingismakingourselvesfeelworsebyfindingexplanationsforourunhappiness.Onceyouknowthatthereasonsyoucomeupwitharen’tthecauseofyourmisery–butthatyourmind’sreactiontothosereasonsis–youcan’thelpbutfeelbetter.
Themindisverypersistentinitseffortstoexplainwhywefeelbad.Asoneexplanationprovesmeaninglessintermsofmakingyoufeelbetter,themindwillsearchforanotherexplanation.Ifthethought‘ThereasonI’munhappyisthatIhavethewrongmate’doesn’thelp,themindtriesagain:‘ThereasonI’munhappyisthatIhadaterriblechildhood.’Themindwillsearchandsearchfortherightanswer,wheninfacttherightanswerisalwaysthesame.It’syourthoughtsaboutevents–nottheeventsthemselves–thatmakethemseempainful.Ifyourpainfulthoughtscancomeandgo,alleventscanbelookedatwiththesameperspectiveandunderstanding.Theotheroptionistocontinuetodwellonthereasonsyoufeelbad.Unfortunately,thisoptionbecomesawayoflifeformany.
Noonelikespainandsufferingandnoonewantstofeelbad.Thedifferencebetweenapersonwhocanexperiencepainfuleventsintheirlifeina‘healthy’waymeaningtheygetthroughpainfuleventsgracefullyandthosepeoplewhobecomeimmobilizedbysimilareventshastodowiththeirrelationshiptotheirownthoughts.Thequestionis,canyouhavethoughts,evennegativeones,andletthempass?Ordoyouholdontoyourthoughts,interferingwiththenaturalflowandrhythmofyourthoughts,tothepointoflettingyourthoughtshurtyour
emotionallife?Theotherquestiontoaskyourselfis,canyourecognizethatthoughtsarejustthoughts,imagesyoucreateinyourmind?Ordoyoubelievethatifthoughtsenteryourmindyoumustentertainandgivesignificancetothem,asiftheyhadalifeoftheirown?Youranswertothesequestionswilldetermineyourabilitytolearntopullyourselfoutofanegativefeelingstate.Ifyoucanallowyourselftohavewhateverthoughtsyouhave,whileatthesametimemaintainingtheunderstandingthatyourthoughtsarenotrealityandcannotaffectyouinanegativeway,youwillbeabletoletthempass.
Whenyouhaveahealthyrelationshiptoyourownthinking,youcanhaveanunlimitednumberofnegativethoughtspassthroughyourmind.Nomatterhowstrong,painful,orcompellingyourthoughtsmaybe,youarestillabletoseethemasjustthoughts.Aslongasyouletyourthoughtscomeandgo,andaslongasyoudon’tmakemoreoutofthemthantheyreallyare,youwillalwaysfeelOKandhaveasenseofperspective.Evenyourmostdifficulttimeswon’tbeashardastheywouldotherwisebe,andyouwillbeabletopullyourselfoutofnegativefeelingstates.
Sarahhadbeendespondentformanymonthsafterthedeathofherfather.Intherapyshewastoldthatgriefwasnaturalandnecessaryandthatsheshouldcontinueto‘getintouchwithherfeelings’.Andwhilethisadviceisinparttrue,hertherapistnevertoldSarahthatthedegreeofhergriefwasdeterminedsolelybythethoughtsshewashavingaboutherdeceasedfather.Whileshewasthinkingaboutthelossofherfathershewouldfeelhergrief,butwhileshewasgoingaboutherday,thinkingaboutotherthings,thegriefwouldn’tbepresent.Inotherwords,thegriefitselfwasn’tapermanentinstitutioninherlife,itwasafluctuatingandconstantlychangingphenomenon.Sarahdidlearntogetintouchwithherfeelings,butunfortunatelythatwasallshelearned.Shewassointouchwithherpainfulfeelingsthatshecouldn’tfeelanythingelse.Whensheaskedhertherapisttohelpher,thesuggestionwasgiven,‘Youhaven’tgonedeepenoughintoyourpain.’
WhenSarahcontactedme,shewantedtoknowwhethertheprinciplesIteachappliedto‘serious,real-lifeproblems’.WorkingwithSarahwasverysimple.Shelearnedtheessenceofwhatwehavebeencoveringinthischapter:sometimesgriefcanbeoverwhelming,othertimesitwillbeminor,andoftenitwon’tbethereatall.Theideathatsometimeshergriefwasn’tthereatallturnedouttobeverysignificantforSarah.Shehadbeentaughtintherapythatifshewasn’tfeelingbad,shewasn’tbeingtruetoherrealfeelings!Herresponseto
thissuggestionwastofeelguiltyandtofocusonherpainfulthoughtsallthetimesothatshewouldbe‘properlygrieving’.Hertherapist’sadvicewasutternonsense!Thetruthis,Sarahwasbeingtruetoherfeelings.Whatshedidn’tunderstand,andwhatsheneededtoknow,wasthathernegativefeelingswereonlypresentwhileshewasthinkingaboutherfather.Shedidn’trealizethatitwashealthyandnaturalnottofeelbadallthetime.Grieving,Sarahlearned,isaprocesswherebyonefeelsbadsomeofthetime,butnotallofthetime!It’ssillytobelievethatonlyyournegativefeelingsareyour‘real’feelings.
ThisinsightcameasatremendousreliefforSarah,whohadbeenledtobelievethatgrievingwassomethingthatexistedonitsown,somethingpermanentthatwoulddisappearonlythroughthepassageoftime.GriefquicklybecameabeautifulexperienceforSarah.Shenowunderstoodthatthefeelingsshewashavingweretemporaryandever-changing,andlearnednottobefrightenedanddepressedbythem.Shedevelopedasenseofgratitudeaboutherfatherthathadbeensuppressedbyherpowerfulfeelingsofgrief.
It’snotthatSarah’snegativefeelingsweren’trealorjustified–theymostcertainlywere.ButSarahhadbeensooverwhelmedbyherownthoughtsthatshehadlostsightofthebeautifulfeelingsshehadforherfather.Warm,gratefulfeelingswerethewaySarahwantedtorememberhim.Fortunately,sheisnowabletodojustthat.
TheContentofYourThoughtsIsn’tRelevantEveryonehastheirownuniqueandimportantstorytotell.Almosteveryonefeelsthatthespecificdetailsoftheirlife,certainsignificanteventsandoccurrences,explainwhytheyfeelunhappy.Theypointtotheirpast,theirpresentcircumstances,theirissues,theirproblems,ortheiruncertainfutureasthecauseoftheirsuffering.Thegeneralfeelingisthatifyoucanexploreandresolvetheseissues,yourhappinesswillmagicallyappear.Althoughmanypeoplefindthisdifficulttoaccept,it’sneverthelesstrueandit’scriticalifyouwanttolearntohavecontroloverhowyoufeel–thatthespecificcontentofyournegativethoughtsisn’trelevant.Whetheryournegativethoughtshavetodowithbeingmistreated,losingyourjob,financialstrain,relationshipdifficulty,griefandloss,orsimplythegeneralthoughtsyouhaveabouthowhardlifeis,theunderlyingissuehastodowithwhatyoudidwiththosethoughtsandhowyourelatetothosethoughts,notthethoughtsthemselves.Thisunderstandingiscriticalbecauseyouwillalwayshaveanunlimitedsupplyofpainfulexamples
thatcanbedrummedupandseenastheexceptiontothisrule.Youcanalwaysconvinceyourselfofthingslike,‘It’struethatthoughtsarejustthoughts–butthesethoughtsaremoreimportantthanalltheothers.Afterall,Ihaverealproblems.’Youwillalwaysbeabletopointtotheoneseriousorpainfuleventthatyoucan’tforget,orthatdoesn’tapply.
Onepersonmighthavelostherhusbandinacarcrashandanothermighthavebeenabusedasachild.Bothareunquestionablypainfulanddifficultsituationstohavehadtohavegonethrough.Noonewoulddenythatbotharecircumstancesthateveryonewouldhopetoavoid,andwecancertainlyhavecompassionforthosewhogothroughthem.However,ifthepersonwholostherhusbandisawareofherhealthyfunctioningandisabletoletherthoughtsabouttheeventpassthroughhermind,andthepersonwhowasabusedasachildholdsontoherthoughts,asifhernegativeexperienceswerehappeningalloveragain,thepersonwholostherhusbandwillfarebetterthanthepersonwhowasabused,intermsoffeelinggoodandenjoyingherlife.LikeSarah,thepersonwholostherhusbandinacarcrashisgoingtohaveplentyofpainfulthoughtstocontendwith.Thequestionisgoingtobehowsherelatestoherthoughts.Doessheletthemcomeandgo,ordoesshegivethosethoughtstoomuchattentionandkeeptheminthefrontofhermind?
Keepinmindasyoutakeinthismaterialthatthewomanwholostherhusbandisnotdenyingorpretendingthattheeventitselfwasn’tterriblypainful,norisshepretendingthatthememoryoftheeventisn’tpainful.Sheissimplyacknowledgingherthoughtsandfeelings,knowingthatshehasthepotentialtoletherthoughtscomeandgo.Sheisawarethatwhensheisengagedinherhealthyfunctioning,shewillfeelOK,andhermemoryofherhusbandwillbeaninspiringinsteadofregretfulexperience.Ifshedidn’tknowabouthealthyfunctioning,andaboutherabilitytoletgoofherthoughts,andinsteadheldontothem,shealmostcertainlywouldturnherpassingthoughtsintoanegativefeelingstate,ifnotastateofdownrightdepression.Thehardersheheldon,themorepainfulherrecoverywouldbe.
Evenasupportgrouportherapistwhoseintentionsarepurelygoodcanpotentiallyharma‘victim’byencouraginghertothinkaboutandtalkaboutherthoughts,asifthosethoughtshadalifeoftheirown.Remember,‘thought’isyourabilitytocreateimagesinyourownmind.Theimagesthemselvesarenotreal.Ifyouknowtheyarejustimages–andyourtherapistorsupportgroupsharesthisunderstanding–thendiscussingorthinkingaboutthepainfuleventsinyourlife(whicharenowonlyimages)canbeliberating,inspiring,evenbeautiful.Butthinkingaboutanddiscussingpainfuleventsforthesakeof
beautiful.Butthinkingaboutanddiscussingpainfuleventsforthesakeofgettingintoyourpainisdownrightdangerous.Itcanturnanalreadyunhappyeventsuchasthelossofalovedoneintoanightmare.
Imagine,foramoment,afive-year-oldchildwhotellsyouaboutthe‘badman’wholivesbehindhisbooksonhisbookshelf.Wouldyouhavehimexplainingreatdetail,overandoveragain,whatthebadmanlookslike,whatkindsofthingshedoes,andwhyhe’ssoscary?Wouldyouaskthechildthesequestionseveryweek,foryearsandyears?Ofcoursenot.Thereasonyouwouldn’tisbecauseyouwouldbemakingthechild’simaginationseemrealtohim.Youwouldbeencouraginghimtobefrightenedbyhisownthoughts!Itwouldbefarmoreusefultothechildifyouweretohelphimseethatthereisnoneedtofearhisownthoughts.
Theonlydifferencebetweenachild’simaginationandrealeventsisthattherealeventshappened–once.Rightnow,however,inreallife,inthismoment,imaginedeventsalongwitheventsthatreallydidhappenorthatmighthappenarejustthoughtsinthemind.
Manyyearsago,oneofthebestfriendsI’veeverhad,alongwithhislovelyfemalecompanion,weretragicallykilledbyadrunkdriverontheirwaytomyweddingparty.Thiswasatrulytragicevent,onethatIwillneverforget.Myloveforthisfriendwillforeverbeinmyheartaswillmycompassionforhiswonderfulfamily.ThereareveryfewdaysthatgobythatIdon’thavepassingthoughtsaboutourtremendousfriendship,orthoughtsoflossandsadness.
Evenyearslater,whenthesethoughtspassthroughmymind,Ihavemomentsofsadnessorloss.Asthethoughtsdriftthroughmymind,however,Iknowtheyarejustpassingthoughts.Ineverpretendthatthethoughtsaren’twithme,nordoIevenwantthemtogoaway.Ijustallowthemtodriftaway,thesamewaythatotherthoughtsdriftaway.Ineverforgetthattheyarejustthoughts.Thisdoesn’tdiminishtheloveIfeelorthegratitudeIhaveforhisplaceinmylife.Infact,justtheoppositeistrue.Icanaffordemotionallytocherishhismemorybecausemythoughtsdon’tfrightenme,nordotheylowermyspirits.IfIwerefrightenedoroverlysaddenedbymythoughtsaboutmyfriend,Iwouldhavetoavoidthinkingabouthim.ThiswouldreducethegratitudeIhaveinmyheart–somethingIwouldneverchoosetodo.
WhatifThoughtsNeedtoBeAddressed?Whatdoyoudowhenaspecificthoughtorseriesofthoughtsreallyneedstobeaddressed?Youcertainlycan’tnorwouldyouwanttodismisseverythoughtthat
goesthroughyourmind.Oftenit’sappropriateanddesirabletothinkaboutsomething.
Whenyouhavetheunderstandingthatthoughtsarejustthoughts,thattheyhavenolifeoftheirown,andyouknowthatyouhavethepowertoletthoughtspass,youareprotected,toaverylargedegree,fromtheeffectsofthosethoughts.Forexample,youmighthavethethought,‘Myhusbandhasn’tbeenverykindtomelately.’Thefactthatyouhavethisthoughtdoesn’tnecessarilymeanyoushouldn’tponderitfurther.Maybeyoushould.Youarealwaysinthedriver’sseatwhenyourememberthatyouaretheonedoingthethinking!Asyourememberthatyouarethethinker,andasyourememberthatit’syourthoughts,notyourhusband,thataremakingyoufeelthewayyoudo,youcreatenewoptionsinyourlife.Youcancontinuetothinkaboutyourhusband–whyhehasn’tbeenkindtoyou,orperhapsthatthereissomethingwrongwithhim–butifyoubegintofeelalittleoverwhelmedbyyourownthinking,youcanletthethoughtsgoandalwayschoosetoreturntothemlater.
Whenyouletgoofthoughtsthataretakingyouintoanegativefeelingstate,youarenotsacrificingyourabilitytodealwithasituation.Inthecaseofourexampleabouttheunkindhusband,youhavealreadyenteredthenecessaryinformationintoyourmemory.Thefactthatyouhavestoppedthinkingabouthowunkindhehasbeenwillopenthedoortoyourwisdom,andyouwillknowwhattodoaboutthesituation.Youmaydecidetotalktoyourhusband,youmaydecidetobecomemoreobservant,oryoumaydecidetodonothing,fornow.You’llknow,becauseyourwisdom,orcommonsense,isn’ttiedexclusivelytoyourintellect;itcomesfromadifferentplace–aplaceofquietinyourconsciousness.
Ifyou’rehavingfinancialtroubleorsomeotherworry,thebestyoucandoistoacknowledgetheproblemandthethoughtsyouarehaving,andthenjustknowthatyouneedananswer.Ifyoutrustyourwisdom,itwillalwaystellyouwhetheryouneedtoseekanothercareer,improveyourexistingskills,orfindsomeothersolution.Thinkingabouttheproblemtoexcesswillonlyloweryourspiritsfurther,makingasolutionlesslikely.Ifyouabsolutelymustthinkabouttheproblem,dosoknowingthatyouaretheonedoingthethinking.Youaretheonedictatinghowyouarefeelingbasedentirelyonhowmanythoughtsyouarelettingpassandhowmanyyouareholdingonto.
Thegoalofthisunderstandingisnottodenyyourexperience,norisitabouttryingtogetridofyourthoughts.Infact,it’sjusttheopposite;it’saboutopeningtoyourexperience.Thereisnothingtobefrightenedofregardingyour
ownthoughtsorfeelings–thereisnothingtheycandotohurtyou.Thisunderstandingisaboutlearningtoacceptthoughtsforwhattheyare.
Thereisnoneedtoturnthemintomorethantheyreallyareortotakethemtooseriously.Inalllikelihood,youwillspendsomemoments,everydayfortherestofyourlife,thinkingatleastafewnegative,fearful,orpainfulthoughts.Whenyouunderstandtheharmlessnatureofthoughts,youcancometopeacewithyourownthinking.Youcanopenlyacceptwhateverthoughtshappentobeinyourmind,andastheypassthroughyourmindinahealthiermanner,thefeelingsyouhaveaboutthosethoughtswillbegintochange,andasoftnessandinnerpeacewillcomeabout.Ratherthanbeingfrightenedoroverwhelmedbythoughtsyouarehaving,youwillmaintainasenseofperspective.
Aslongasyoucanletyourthoughtscomeandgo,youwillnoticethattheeffectofthosethoughtsonyourwell-beingwillbeminimal.Youwillspendmoretimeinyourhealthyfunctioningandlesstimeabsorbedinyourownthoughts.Whenyoumustdealwithsomethingasdifficultasgriefandloss,it’scriticaltorememberthatevenpainfulthoughtswilldriftaway–andwhentheydoyoucanreturntoyourhealthypsychologicalfunctioningandtoastateofcontentment.
Fifteen/IllnessandDeath
Whenconsideringaseriousillnessortheanticipationofdeathwithaterminalillness,youwillnoticeastrikingsimilarity,inanemotionalsense,totheconsiderationofgriefandloss.Thedifferencebetweentheselife-eventsisthatgriefandlosshavetodowithsomethingpainfulthathasalreadyhappened,whereasdealingwithimpendingdeathhastodowithsomethingpainfulthatisyettohappen.Illness,ofcourse,hastodowithsomethingthatishappeningrightnow.
Thedynamicsofthoughtdonotchangewhenyouarefacinganillnessordeath,oranyotherpainfuleventthatisyettohappenorishappeningnow.Itisstillthethoughtsyouhaveabouttheillnessordeaththatcreateyouremotionaldisturbance–nottheillnessordeathitself.Thisisthekeytounderstandingwhatdistinguishesapersonwhocanacceptthepainfulpartsoflifeandmoveonfromapersonwhobecomesimmobilizedbythesamesetoffacts.Obviously,noonelikestodealwiththepainfulpartsoflife,butthosewhounderstandthedynamicsoftheirownthinkingarefarmoreequippedtohandlethem.
Likeallthoughts,youwillnoticethatyourthoughtsaboutillnessanddeathwillcomeandgo.Therewillbetimeswhenyouthinkaboutyourpredicamentandtimeswhenyouthinkaboutsomethingelse.Therewillbetimeswhenyoufeelsad,angry,orfrustrated,andtherewillbeothertimeswhenyoufeelOK.Theimportantpointisthis:ifyourphysicalconditionwasactuallycausingyouremotionalpainthenyou,andeveryoneelsefacingasimilartrauma,wouldbeinemotionalpainallthetime.Butthisisn’ttrue.Theemotionalpainyouexperiencewillcomeandgowithyourthoughts.Asyoubecomeabletowitnessthepartnershipbetweenyourthoughtsandyourpain–aswellastherelationshipbetweenalackofthoughtsandyourlackofpain–youwillgraduallybeabletorelaxandletgowhenyouareexperiencingpain.Aclientofminewhowasabouttolosehisspousetodeathputitthisway:‘Iusedtobeacompletevictimofwhateverthoughtswerecrossingmymind,likeashipinaviolentstormwithoutawheel.NowIfeellikethecaptainofmyownship.Mywheelismyunderstandingthatmythoughtsarecreatingmypain.Inowhaveatleastsomecontrolovermythoughts.It’snotthatIneverexperiencepain–Imostcertainlydo–butmyperspectiveisentirelydifferent.IknowthatIamnavigatingmyownship.Thestormismuchcalmer.’
Ifyouorsomeoneyouloveisfacingdeathorconfrontingtheimplicationsofaseriousillness,itiscertainlygoingtobedifficult.However,thefactthatyou
aseriousillness,itiscertainlygoingtobedifficult.However,thefactthatyoumustgothroughsuchanexperienceisallthemorereasontolearntolivetherestofyourlifewithapeacefulinnerfeeling,ratherthanbeingconsumedbyyourillness.Understandingthedynamicsofthoughtisthewaytogoaboutachievingasenseofinnerpeace.
RamDass,aWesternphilosopherwhoisknownforhisabilitytocomfortindividualswhoaredying,toldastoryaboutawomanhewasworkingwithwhowasdyingofcancer.Withonlyafewweekslefttolive,thisdearwomanwasspendingvirtuallyallofheravailableenergythinkingaboutanddiscussinghowawfulitwastobedying.RamDasssaidsomethingtoherthatspeaksratherpointedlytotheissueofanticipatingdeath:‘Doyouthinkitwouldbepossibletospendlesstimedyingandmoretimeliving?’Thefirstmomenthesaidthistoher,thewomanwasoffendedandangry.‘Howcouldyoubesoinsensitiveandcruel?’shesaid.Butafewmomentslater,afterseeingthesincerityinRamDass’seyes,shetappedintothespiritofwhathewassaying.‘Youareright,’shesaid,‘I’vebeensobusydyingthatIcompletelyforgottolive.’Oneweeklaterthewomandied.Beforeshedied,however,shetoldRamDass,‘Ihavelivedmorethislastweekthaninallmypreviousdays.’
Manypeople,myselfincluded,havebeencriticizedforsuggestingthatapersonwhoissufferingordyingcouldpossiblyfindasenseofinnercontentment.Thecriticismusuallycomesintheformofaquestionsuchas‘Howcouldyoupossiblyunderstandwhatit’sliketosuffer?’Thiscriticismisunderstandable,especiallywhenitisdeliveredbysomeonewhoispersonallysuffering.However,it’simportanttoknowthatpeoplewhoaresufferingdon’twanttobesuffering.Theywanttolearnhowtolive,evenifthereisverylittletimelefttodoso.
Whenyouareanticipatinganything,evensomethingasdifficulttoacceptasdeath,itisjustthat–anticipation.Toanticipatemeansto‘lookforward’,tothinkaboutwhatityettobe.Anticipatingdeathisn’tdeathitself,it’syourthoughtsaboutdeath.Inthismoment,deathisbutanimageinyourmind–athought.
Toillustratethepoint,considerapersonwhoisn’tfacingaseriousorterminalillnessbutwholivesinfearofbecomingill.Therearemillionsofpeoplewhospendmostoftheirwakingdaythinkingaboutsomethingthatdoesn’tevenexist.Yettotheseindividualsthefearisoftenasrealasforthosewhotrulydofaceanillness.Suchisthepowerofthought.Whetheryouaresickorwell,yourthinkingcanhelpyouoritcandestroyyourlife.Thecriticalissue
intermsofemotionalwell-beingisn’tyourphysicalhealth,orthecircumstancesofyourlife,buttherelationshipyouhavetoyourownthinking,whatyoumakeofyourcircumstances.Doyoufocusoneveryfearfulthoughtthatentersyourmind?Doyouspendthepreciousmomentsoflifeanticipatingdeath?Orcanyoulearnthatthoughts–eventhemostpainfulones–arejustthoughtsandthatyoucandismissthemwhenyouchoosetodoso?
Thisisnotaprescriptionfordenial.Ifyouaresickordyingyoumustfacethetruth.Butyoudon’thavetocontaminatethetruthwithexcessivethinkingaboutyourcondition.Ifyoudo,youwillonlyfillyourremainingdayswithadditionalpainandsuffering.Thenowisallanyonereallyhas.
Thequalityofyourlifeisdeterminedsolelybytherelationshipyouhavetoyourownthinking.Ifyoufindyourselfanticipatingdeathorthinkingaboutillness,knowthatyoudohaveanotheroption.Youcandismissthethoughtsthatenteryourmindthewayyouwouldshoofliesawayfromyourpicniclunch.Youcanlearntolive,reallylive,inthepresentmoment.
Don’tAttachConditionstoYourContentmentIfyouarefacingaseriousorterminalillness,youdon’thavetheluxuryoftime.Don’tmakethemistakeofattachingunlikelyconditionstoyourhappiness,suchas,‘Icanonlybehappyifmyillnessdisappears.’Happinesscannotoccurwhenweplaceitssourceoutsideourselves.Ifweassumethatcertainconditionsmustbemetbeforewecanfeelcontentment,wearetoolatetoexperienceit.Manyterminallyillpatientsreportthattheydoexperiencefleetingmomentsofhappinessorcontentment,yetit’seasytoletthisgoodfeelingpassyoubywithoutduenotice.It’stemptingtoletyourmomentsofhappinessdriftawaywithyournextnegativeorfearfulthought.Youdon’thavetodothis.Youcanstayinagoodstateofmindbyrememberingthatyourthoughtsarethevehiclethatrobyouofyourhappiness.
It’sOKtofeelgoodevenifyourcircumstancesdon’tseemtowarrantthismorepositiveoutlook.Fearfulthoughtswillcontinuetoenteryourmindbutthatdoesn’tmeanyouhavetofocusonthem.Ifyouthinkback,youwillrememberthatfearfulthoughtsfilledyourheadevenwhenyourbodywashealthy.
HealthyPsychologicalFunctioningandIllnessInnerturmoilwillalwayscomeabout–whetherornotyouarephysicallyill–whenyoutakethethingsyouthinkabouttooseriouslyandblowthemupinyourmindasiftheyhadalifeoftheirown.Forexample,supposethatyouareill.Yourdoctorwalksintotheroomandreportsthatyouhavetakenaturnfortheworse.Obviouslythisisregrettablenews,butthetruthis,youhavetwooptions.Thefirstoptioninvolveshealthypsychologicalfunctioningandconsistsoftakingthisinformationinoneear,lettingitflowthroughyourmindandoutoftheotherear.Doingsowillkeepyourmindfreeenoughtoknowwhattodonext.ShouldIrelaxmore?ShouldIgetanotheropinion?ShouldItakeanothercourseofaction?OrshouldIsimplyacceptmypredicamentandliveeachdaytoitsfullest?Whateveryourresponse,remaininginhealthyfunctioningwillallowyoutotakeacourseofactionornoneatall.Whateveryoudecidetodo,youwon’tallowyourmindtobecomepanickedoroverlyfrustratedwithself-pityingthoughts.Healthyfunctioningwillallowyoutoseewiththeclearestpossibleheadthebestsolutiongiventhefacts.Tappingintohealthyfunctioningwillalsoallowyoutoremaininthepresentmomentenoughtoappreciatefullythegiftofyourlife.Ratherthanfocusingonwhatisyettobe,youwillbeabletoremaincalm.Healthyfunctioningallowsyoutoliveeachmomentthatyouhavewithgratitudeandgrace.
Thesecondoptioninvolvesunhealthypsychologicalfunctioningandalsoconsistsoftakingintheinformationthedoctorisdelivering.Butinsteadoflettingitflowthroughyourmind,youwouldhavea‘thoughtattack’–focusingonandanalysingthenewstothepointofbecomingemotionallyparalysed.Soratherthanusingyouravailableenergytolive,youconsumeyourselfwithyourownthoughtsandcometotheconclusion,‘Whyme?’Insteadofremaininginthepresentmoment,youbeginanticipatingtheworst.Ratherthanspendingwhateverremainingmomentsyouhavewithasclearamindaspossible,allowingyoutobewithyourselforyourfamilyandlovedones,youallowyourmindtoraceforward,consumingitselfwithfear.
Becauseunhealthypsychologicalfunctioningcanturneventhesmallesteventintoapersonalnightmareinyourmind,youcanimaginehowdifficultitcanbetohandlesomethingverytraumatic,suchasaseriousorterminalillness.It’scriticaltorealizethattappingintoyourownhealthyfunctioningisthebestoptionyouhave.Itwon’ttakeawaytheillnessbutitwillmakeyoufeelbetteraboutit.
StressandIllnessInhisbook,TheStressofLife,HansSelyedemonstrateshowadrenalexhaustioncanbecausedbysevereemotionaltension,suchasgreatfrustrationorhopelessness.Hegoesontodetailmanyoftheeffectsofnegativeemotionsonbodychemistry.
Justasclutchingthesteering-wheelandgrittingourteethdoesn’tmakeourcargoanyfasterthroughtraffic,thinkingobsessivelyaboutanillnessdoesn’tmakeitgoaway.Infact,itappearstobejusttheopposite.Emotionalstressisverytaxingonthebody.Itexhaustsmanyofourvitalhealingmechanisms.Ibringthistoyourattentiontoreiteratethepracticalityofwhatyouarereading.Physicalsufferingisoneofthemostdifficultissuesapersonwilleverface.Unfortunately,withouttheunderstandingofhowthemindcanmakemattersevenworse,thesufferingyouexperiencewillincrease.
Thethoughtsyouhaveaboutyourillnessordeatharegoingtoenteryourmind–andthat’sOK.It’suptoyouwhatyoudecidetodoaboutthem.Rememberingthatthoughtswillalwayscomeandgoishelpful.Itgivesyouhopetoknowthattherearemanytimeswhenyourmindisclear,whenyouarefreetorelaxandenjoyyourlife.Asyouseehowthoughtsenterandleaveyourmindyouaremoreabletocontributetothisnaturalprocess.Ratherthanfightingyourthoughts,wishingthemawayorpushingthemaway,youcanbegintofeelempoweredbytheknowledgethatyouaretheonewhoisthinkingthemandthatyoucanhelpyourselfbylettingthemdriftfromyourconsciousness.
PerhapsthebestwaytosummarizetheimportanceofusingyourmindtoyouradvantageisexplainedinNormanCousins’classicbook,AnatomyofanIllness.Hedescribeshowamanwhowasnearly90wasabletousehismindtohelphisbody.
Marta,havingbeenthroughthesereluctancesbefore,re-assuredDonPablo,sayingshewascertainhewouldbestimulatedbythemeeting.Sheremindedhimthathelikedtheyoungpeoplewhodidthelastfilmingandthattheywouldprobablybebackagain.Inparticular,shecalledhisattentiontothelovelyyoungladywhodirectedtherecording.
DonPablobrightened.‘Yes,ofcourse,’hesaid,‘itwillbegoodtoseethemagain.’
Asbefore,hestretchedhisarmsinfrontofhimandextendedhisfingers.Thenthespinestraightenedandhestoodupandwenttohiscello.Hebegantoplay.Hisfingers,hands,andarmswereinsublime
cello.Hebegantoplay.Hisfingers,hands,andarmswereinsublimecoordinationastheyrespondedtothedemandsofhisbrainforthecontrolledbeautyofmovementandtone.Anycellistthirtyyearshisjuniorwouldhavebeenproudtohavesuchextraordinaryphysicalcommand.
TwiceinonedayIhaveseenthemiracle.Amanalmostninety,besetwiththeinfirmitiesofoldage,wasabletocastoffhisafflictions,atleasttemporarily,becauseheknewhehadsomethingofoverridingimportancetodo.Therewasnomysteryaboutthewayitworked,forithappenedeveryday.CreativityforPabloCasalswasthesourceofhisowncortisone.Itisdoubtfulwhetheranyanti-inflammatorymedicationhewouldhavetakenwouldhavebeenaspowerfulorassafeasthesubstancesproducedbytheinteractionofhisbodyandmind.
Hewentontosaysomethingthatspeakstotheessenceofthischapter.
Theprocessisnotstrange.Ifhehadbeencaughtupinanemotionalstorm,theeffectswouldhavebeenmanifestedinanincreasedflowofhydrochloricacidtothestomach,inanupsurgeofadrenalactivity,intheproductionofcorticoids,intheincreaseofbloodpressure,andafasterheartbeat.
Notgettingcaughtupinyourownthoughtsstartswiththeintentionofnotdoingso.Thinkingisavoluntaryfunction,andeachofushastheabilitytodismissthoughtsthatareboundtoleadto‘anemotionalstorm’.Lifecanbesobeautifulwhenwearenotcaughtupinthecoilsofourownthoughts.Clearingthemindisthefirststepinappreciatingthisbeauty.
Sixteen/ManyProblems,OneSolution
Inthelasttwochapterswehavecoveredsomeofthemoredifficultareasoflifethat,atsomepoint,everyoneofuswillhavetodealwith:grief,loss,pain,illness,anddeath.Needlesstosay,inadditiontotheareaswehavediscussed,therearemanyothersignificantproblemsinlifethatneedtobecopedwith:communicationbetweenpeople,behaviourswehavetochange,financialconcerns,dealingwithdifficultpeople,jobandcareerconcerns,raisingchildren,andageing,tonamejustafew.
Myhopeisthatasyouhavebeenreading,youhavebeguntosensethatinaverymeaningfulwayallproblems,regardlessoftheirspecificnature,havethreadsofconsistencyrunningthroughthem.EveryproblemismadeworsebywhatIrefertoas‘analysisparalysis’.Thisisasituationinwhichapersonwishingtosolveaproblemusesrepeatedandintensedeliberationinthehopeofcomingupwithaviablesolution.Thisiswhereyoutrytofigureout,makesenseof,andmostspecifically,analyseyourproblems.Themajorproblemwithanalysis,however,isthatasyouthinkexcessivelyaboutaproblem,yourproblem-orientatedthoughtswillbegintoloweryourspirits.And,aswehaveseen,ifthereisonecertaintyinlifeitisthis:whenyourspiritsarelow,yourwisdomandcommonsenseflyoutofthewindow.Yousimplyaren’tatyourbestandyoudon’tseelifeclearlywhenyouarefeelinglow.Sinceyourfeelingsfollowyourthoughts,themoreattentionandemphasisyouputonaproblem,theworseyouwillfeelandthelesswisdomyouwillhaveaccessto.
Einsteinoncesaid,‘Thesolutiontoaproblemwillnevercomeaboutfromthesamelevelofunderstandingthatcreatedtheprobleminthefirstplace.’Inotherwords,dwellingonproblemswillnothelpusovercomethem,becausewewillbeunabletoseetheanswerweneed.Solutionsarefound,ontheotherhand,whenweseethingsinanewandfreshway,whenweallowthewisdomthatcomesfromaquietmind(healthyfunctioning)totakeover.Asironicandsimplisticasitmayseem,youneedtostopthinkingaboutaprobleminordertoseeanewsolution.Asyourmindclearsofyourconcerns,answerswilloccurtoyouthatwerecoveredupbyyourthoughtsoftheproblem.Wisdomisnothingmorethanseeingthesameoldproblemsinanewandfreshway.
Allthoughtsgrowwithattention,andproblemsarenoexceptiontothisrule.Inaveryrealsense,dealingheadonwithaspecificproblembyfocusingonitcanbeatremendousmistake.Themorewefocusonaproblem,whetheritberelatedtofinances,ourchildren,otherrelationships,oradyinglovedone,the
relatedtofinances,ourchildren,otherrelationships,oradyinglovedone,thelessablewearetoseeasolution.Thisiswhywhensomeonerepeatedlydiscussesyourproblemswithyou,youneverseemtogetanywhere.Yougooverthesamesetsoffactsandcometothesameconclusions.Theonlycertaintyinthisdynamicisthewayyouwillfeel:frustrated,confused,andunhappy.
Perhapsyoufeelthatthemostbasicproblemyoudealwithisthefactthatemotionallyyoudon’tfeelverygood.Ifthisisthecase,thesameruleapplies.Everytimeathoughtentersyourmindabouthowbadyoufeel,youhaveachoice.Doyouthinkaboutitsomemoreinthehopethatkeepingthosethoughtsaliveinyourheadwillsomehowhelpyou?Ordoyoudismissthethoughtassimplyanotherpassingthought?Inchoosingthissecondoption,youopenthedoortoyourhealthyfunctioning.Chancesare,aminutelater(orevenafewsecondslater)anotherthoughtmayenteryourheadabouthowbadyoufeel,orhowbadyouusuallyfeel.Ifso,youcandismissitaswell.Eachtimeyoudoso,youaregettingusedtopayinglessattentiontotheproblemandmoretofeelinggood.
It’struethathabitsofthinkingaredifficulttobreak,buttheycanbebroken.Oneofthemostsignificantfindingsinthefieldofpsychologyinrecentyearshasbeenthatwecanchoosethewaywethink.Weareincharge–thinkingisavoluntaryfunction.Onlyhabitmakesusfocusonthethoughtsthatenterourminds.Itcanalsobecomeahabittodismissthethoughtsyouhaveastheyenteryourmind.
Ifyoulookatthedetailsofeveryproblemthatoccursinyourlifeandtrytomakesenseoutofeachoneindividually,thenmuchofyourlifeisgoingtobespentfocusedonyourproblems.Youmayindeedhavesomesuccesses,yetthewayyoufeelingeneralwon’tchange.Whenthecarbreaksdown,you’llspendenergynotonlyfixingthecarbutalsothinkingaboutitafterwards.Thesamewillbetruewhenyouhavearun-inwithyourbossoryourspouse,whensomeoneforgetstoreturnyourcall,whensomethinggetslostinthemail,aswellaseveryotherdailyannoyancethatcomesup.
Itmaybetruethatyouwillneverbecompletelyfreefromlife’slittleannoyances,butyoucanbecomefreefromfeelingannoyed.Thesolutionistoseethatalloflife’sproblems,bigandsmall,aremadeworsebythefactthatwethinkaboutthemwellaftertheyareoveroranticipatethemwellbeforeweareconfrontedbythem.
Asyouintentionallytakeyourmindoffyourproblemswhentheyenteryourmind,youwillgraduallybegintofeelbetter,andasyoufeelbetteryouaremore
equippedtosolveyourproblems.Keepthisinmind:ifyoucan’tsolveaprobleminapositivestateofmind,youwillneverbeabletosolvethatprobleminalowerstateofmind.Excessivethoughtaboutyourproblemswon’thelp.Whenyouunderstandthatmentalreviewworksonlytoaverylimitedextent–andthat‘analysisparalysis’istobeavoidedatallcosts–yourinnerwisdomwillbegintotakeover.
Problemsweencounterarealwaysmood-related.Whenyouareinalowmood,youwillseeslightannoyancesasmajorobstacles,youwillhearsmallsuggestionsasmajorcriticisms,andyouwillthinkoffutureobstaclesasbeinginsurmountable.Whenyourmoodislow,anyfactor–personalorexternal–willseemtoinhibityourexperienceandcauseyouunhappiness.Inhighermoods,youlookbeyondyourcircumstances,andsimplydothebestyoucanwithwhoyouareandwhatyouhave.
Lifelooksdrasticallydifferentdependingonhowwearefeeling.Thisisimportanttoknowbecauseinhigherfeelingstates,wealreadyhavewhatwewant–tofeelgood.Ourviewofourproblemswillalwayschangedependingonourmoodlevel.Thehigherourmood,thebetteroursenseofperspective.It’ssenselesstothinkthatsolvinganyparticularproblemwillcreateinnerpeaceandmakeyouhappy–itwon’t.Thenexttimeyouarefeelinglow,you’llseesomeotheraspectofyourlifeinanequallyhopelessway.Thisisthenatureofnegativefeelingstates.Theworseyoufeel,themoreformidableyourproblemswillseem.
I’mnotsuggestingthatyoushrugoffyourproblemssimplybecauseyouareinalowmood.Butyouwillgainperspectiveonallproblems,regardlessoftheirspecificityormagnitude,ifyouwaituntilyouareinahighermood.
Thisknowledgecanshieldyou,toalargeextent,frombeingdevastatedbythepainfulaspectsyouwillfaceinyourlife.Ifyou’regroundedinthetruththatlifetrulywilllookbettersoon,youcanbegintomovebacktotheoriginalpremiseofthisbook,whichisthatyourthinkingisresponsibleforyourunhappiness.Youmaynotalwaysbeabletochangeyourcircumstances,butyoualwayshaveatleastsomecontroloveryourownthinking.
Seventeen/UnhappinessIsYourCurriculum
Everyonehasissues,oraseriesofissues,thatarecentraltothislife,lessonsthatmustbelearnedinordertoarriveatasenseofinnerpeace.Youcanthinkofyourcentralissueorissuesasyour‘curriculum’,aneducationthatyoumustgothroughtomakeyourlifefeelcomplete.Forsomepeople,thecentrallessonintheirlifeisphysical–learningtolivewithdiabetesorblindness,forexample.Somepeoplehaveamoreemotionalhandicap,suchasastrongresistancetointimacy,oruntamedanger.Thecentralissueinothers’livesmaytaketheformofanaddictiontocigarettes,alcohol,drugs,food,andsoforth.
Whenyoustudypeopleandtheirissues,onethemebecomesperfectlyclear:thenameofthegameislearninghowtodealeffectivelywith,andeventuallyconquer,thecentralissuesinyourlife.Sometimesconqueringyourcurriculummeansmakingthesymptomgoaway.Apersoncanlearn,forexample,tobeintimate,eventhoughitseemedimpossiblebeforesheundertooktheeffort.Atothertimes,conqueringmeanscomingtotermswithacircumstancethatcan’tbechanged,suchasaphysicaldisability.
Everyonehasacurriculum.Whatevercurriculumapersonisexperiencing,beitphysical,emotional,spiritual,orintellectual,itwillinitiallybeexperiencedas‘difficult’bythatperson,regardlessofhowothersseeit–iftheyseeitaseasy,it’sbecauseit’snottheircurriculum.
Everypersonhasacurriculumandeverycurriculumcanbeovercomeandconquered.SurvivorsoftheHolocaustwilltestifytothistruth.Despitetheunspeakableconditions,thereweremanywhosurvived,wholearnedtolive,andeventoforgive.Andforeachbravesoulwhodidsurvivephysically,therewereundoubtedlyhundredsorthousandsofotherswho,despitetheirhorriblecircumstances,learnedtoliveatpeacebeforetheywerekilled.
I’mnottryingtoevaluatetheseverityofanysinglecurriculum,becauseeachperson’scurriculumwillbesevereforthem.WhatIamtryingtodoistoshowyouthateverycurriculumdoesindeedhaveasolution.Onceyouseethatthisistrue,lifebecomesagame–andwinningthegamemeansenjoyingyourlife.Thisisnotintendedtominimizetheseverityofyourdepression.I’mcallinglifeagamebecauseitisfullofchallenges,andchallengescanbemet.
Yourcurriculumisdepression.What,then,isyourstrategy?Whenyouunderstandwhereyourdepressioniscomingfrom,andwhenyou
viewitfromadistance,the‘game’beginstochange.Depressionisnolongeranemergency,somethingthatisdestroyingyourlife,butratherapartofyour
emergency,somethingthatisdestroyingyourlife,butratherapartofyour‘coursework’,anecessarypartofyoureducationinlife,somethingthatyoumustlearntoconquer.Youcanconquerit.
Whenyouredefineyourdepressioninthisbroader,moreeducationalsense,yourdepressiontakesonamoreimpersonalnature.ByimpersonalImeanyouseeitasbeinglessaboutyouandmoreaboutlearning.Whenthefeelingofdepressioncomesupwiththismoreimpersonalperspective,youdon’tfeelhelpless–‘Ohno’–youfeelchallenged–‘HereIgoagain.’Whenyoulearnhowtochallengeyourdepression,depressionasyouknowitwilleventuallyceasetoexist.Therewon’tbeanyreasonfordepressiontoremaininyourlifebecauseyouwillhavelearnedyourlesson.Youwillhavegonethroughtheprocessofconqueringyourdepression.Nowitwillbetimeforanewcurriculumtoemergeinyourlife,newopportunitiestolearn.Thegamewillchange,anditwillbebetter.
SeekOutYourEmotionalHealthIfyouexperienceeventheslightestrelief,ifyoufeelevenonepercentbetterasyouclearyourmindanddistrustwhatyouthinkwhenyouarelow,thenyouareonyourway!Itmeansyouhavetappedintoyourhealthyfunctioning,thatpartofyouthatisfreeofdepression.Yourjobnowistonourishthatpartofyourselfbyknowingthatitexists,respectingit,andwantingitmorethananythingelseinyourlife.Youmustwantyouremotionalhealthevenmorethanyouwanttogetridofyouremotionaldistress.Remember,yourattentionisthekeytoyoursuccess.Ifyourattentionisonhowmuchyouwanttogetridofyourpain,thenyourattentionisonyourpain.Butifyourattentionisdirectedtowardsyourhealthyfunctioning,yourinnerpeace,thatisexactlywhereyouwillbeheaded.
Regardlessoftheissueyouaredealingwith,choosingyourhealthyfunctioningoveryourhabitualresponseisgoingtobedifficult.Itwillalwaysbetemptingtorationalizetoyourselfwhyyoursituationisunique,whyit’smoredifficultforyou,whyit’sappropriateorimportanttofeelbad,whythistimeistoodifficulttochoosehappiness.Whileeverycurriculumisunique,everysolutionisidentical.
Ifmycurriculum,forexample,centresaroundaninabilitytohandlecriticism,ifIshiverwithrageattheslightestsuggestionofferedtome,thereisonlyonesolution–tousecriticismasavehicletowardsgreaterinnerstrength.Whenasuggestionisoffered,andIfeelthestruggleemergingwithinme,Imustacknowledgethestruggleyetchoosemyhealthyfunctioninginsteadofmydestructiveurge.ImustremindmyselfthatIhaveachoice.Imusthavefaiththatmyinnerstrengthismorepowerfulthanmyhelplessfeelingofstruggle.EachtimeIchoosepeaceinsteadoffear,loveinsteadofhate,happinessinsteadofstruggle,Isolidifymyfaithinmyhealthyfunctioning,anditgetseasier.
Eachstepyoutaketowardsovercomingyourcurriculumbringsyouthatmuchclosertoagenuinelyhappyandcontentedlife.Eachtimeyouconsciouslychooseyourhealthyfunctioningoveryourthoughtsystemyouaresolidifyingandstrengtheningyourauthenticinnerpower.
Eighteen/TheArtofOptimism
Whenwearefacedwithanytypeofadversity,wenaturallyreactbythinkingaboutit.Mostofus,however,forgetthatwearetheonewhoisdoingthethinking,thatweareactivelymanufacturingthethoughtswethink.Ourthoughtsbecomesohabitualtousthatwedon’tevenrealizewearehavingthem!Instead,wedeveloppatternsofnegativethoughtasournormalreactiontoeventsandourwayofcopingwithlife,andbelievethatourlifeandourcircumstancesareresponsibleforthethoughtswearehaving.Thisisn’ttrue!Sincewearetheonesdoingthethinking,wearealsotheonesresponsibleforchangingourthinking.Whenwerealizethis,wecanshiftfromapessimistictoamoreoptimisticoutlook.Youcanlearntostopallnegativetrainsofthoughtfromdevelopingbeforetheyhaveachancetodevelopfullybytakingresponsibilityforthefactthatyouarethedriverofthetrain!
Supposeyouhavebeenworkinghardmakingasweaterforyourdaughter.Whilecarryingthesweatertothecar,youclosethecardooronitanditrips.Ifyouareapessimist,youmaythinktoyourself,‘Nicegoing,idiot.EverytimeItrytodosomething,Iscrewitup.’
Unfortunately,thisnegativetypeofthinkingwon’tbelimitedtotheepisodeoftearingthesweater.Ifyouaresomeonewhoishardonyourselfforinnocentaccidentssuchasthis,chancesareyouwillbehardonyourselfmostofthetime.Wheneversomethingpainfulordifficulthappenstoyou,irrespectiveofhowminoritmaybe–asorethroat,amemofromyouremployer,oranunreturnedphonecall–youimaginetheabsoluteworst:aterribleflucomingon,losingyourjob,oryourfriendnolongerlikesyou.Theproblemwithpessimisticthinking,asyouknowbynow,isthatyourthoughtsdeterminethewayyoufeel.Intheexampleabove,yourthoughtswouldmakeyoufeellikeanidiot,thesweaterandyourinabilitynottotearithavingnothingtodowithit.Becauseyourthoughtsdeterminethewayyoufeel,negativethinkingcanbeseenasanattempttoconvinceyourselfthatfeelingbadisagoodidea!
Pessimisticthinkingleadstofeelingsorryforyourself,unhappiness,evendepression–whichfurtherleadstoanoverallpessimisticoutlookonlife.Negativethinkingcancreepinsidiouslyintoyourmindandfuelthecompellingurgetopayattentiontothatnegativethinking.Inastrangeway,it’stemptingtobelievethatyouaregoingtosomehowfeelbetterifyoucontinuetothinkinthisway–ifyoujustthinkitthroughenough.Unfortunately,feelingbetterisn’tthe
resultofthinkingnegatively.Themoreyoupayattentiontoandgoalongwithyournegativethoughts,theworseyouwillfeel–everysingletime.Thisisacriticalpointthatsomanyofusforget:negativethinkinggetsusnowhere,exceptperhapsaone-waytickettotheemotionaldoldrums!
Thewayyoufeelaboutyourselfandaboutlifewouldbesomuchnicerif,whenrippingthesweater,youthoughttoyourself,‘Hey,it’sallright.Accidentshappentoeveryone.Don’tworryaboutit.I’llfixitthebestIcan.’Thissimplechangeofattitudeamountstonothingmorethanchangingyourhabitualresponses.Theshiftissmallbutthedividendsaregreat.Learningtothinkmorepositivelywillaffectthewayyoufeel.It’sthesinglemostimportantdecisionyoucanmakeinthedevelopmentofmentalhealth.
Youmaybeusedtothinkingaboutthingsinacertainway,yetyouarefullycapableofchangingthewayyoulookatlifeonceyoumakethecommitmenttodoso.Startingtoday,changethewayyouthink,especiallyduringdifficulttimes,andthequalityofyourlifewillrisedramatically.
Buthowdoyoumakethetransition?Makinganinternalshiftfromnegativitytoamorepositiveoutlookiseasierthanyoumightthink.Theshiftinvolvesthreesimplesteps:(1)therecognitionandadmissionthatyouareinthehabitofthinkingnegatively;(2)theunderstandingthatyourthoughtsoriginatewithinyourself,thatit’ssomethingyouareactivelydoingtocreateyourpsychologicalexperienceoflife;and(3)seeingtheinnocenceofnegativethinking.Let’stakeabrieflookatthesethreesteps.
TheHabitofNegativeThinkingIfyouareinthehabitofthinkinginnegativeterms,youaregoingtobetemptedtodismissthisinformationastoosimplistictobeeffective.Apessimistwouldtendtothinkthisway–youwouldn’texpectapessimisttothinkthattherewasthepossibilityforchange.
Youmustrealizethatnegativityisjustahabitthat,unfortunately,hasbeenreinforcedmanythousandsoftimes.Anegativeattitude,however,isn’tcarvedinstone,it’snotwiredintoyourconsciousnessthesamewaythecolourofyoureyesisgeneticallydeterminedforlife.Negativityisalearnedresponsetotheeventsofyourlife.Therearemillionswhohavelearnedtolookatlifemoreoptimistically,andyoucanbeoneofthem.
YourThoughtsOriginatewithinYouTheideathatyourthoughtsoriginatewithinyourselfisacentralthemeofthisbook.Youarethemanufacturerofthethoughtsthatrunthroughyourhead.Therealpowerinyourlifeiswithyou,theproducerofyourthoughts,notthethoughtsthemselves.Ifyoudon’thaveaclearunderstandingthatyouarethethinker,it’sunrealistictobelievethatyoucanchangeyourattitude.Withoutthishealthyknowledgeasafoundation,it’stooeasytobeseducedbyyourownthoughts.Assomethinghappensinyourlifethatyouwishhadn’thappened,athoughtwillenteryourmind,suchas‘Nothingevergoessmoothly.’Asitdoes,youwillfeeljustifiedinfeelingsorryforyourself,whichwillleadinturntomorenegativethoughts.Onceyouaregroundedintheideathatyouaretheonewhojusthadthatthought,however,andthatyourthoughtsaren’tjustsomethingthathappenedtoyou,youopenthedoortonewoptions.Remember,youmanufacturedthem!Nowwhenanegativethoughtentersyourmindyoucansaytoyourself,‘HereIgoagain.I’mnotgoingtofallintothistrapanymore.Ofcoursethingsgosmoothlyformesomeofthetime.’
SeeingtheInnocenceEveryonehascertainhabitstheywouldliketoeliminate.Ifyoulookathabits,mostofthembeganinnocentlyenough.Veryfewpeoplesetouttobecomedrugaddicts,alcoholics,lifelongsmokers,orevennail-biters.Instead,mosthabitsaredevelopedslowlyovertimebybecomingcomfortableandfamiliarthroughrepetition.Forexample,adrinkerlearnstoreachforadrinkwheneverhefeelsstressed.Eventhoughthealcoholmakesmattersworse,thealcoholanditseffectsarefamiliar.Thedrinkerdoesn’tknowwhatelsetodo.
Negativethinkersareinasimilarboat.Somethinghappensandthoughtsenterthemindasalearnedresponse.Nooneactuallywantstohavethoughtslike,‘Lifeisn’tworthliving,’or‘I’mnothappy.’Rather,theseandothernegativethoughtsaredrummedupjustbecausetheyarefamiliar.Theyseemtojustappearinthemind–andbecausetheydo,manynegativethinkersbelievetheydosoforareason.Inotherwords,theremustbesomejustificationforthethoughtstheyarehaving.Anegativethinkerwillalwaysbeabletopointtoreasonswhyhefeelsnegative–hiscarisn’tworking,noonewantstotalktohim,nooneappreciateshim,andsoon.Negativethinkingalwaysseemsjustified.
Althoughitseemsjustified,it’simportanttorealizethattheeventsthatyouthinkarecausingyoutothinknegativelyaren’ttheproblem.Icanassureyouthatanyonecanlearntodealwithapersonwhodoesn’tappreciatethemoracarthatisn’tworkingwell.Noone,however,canwithstandthenegativeinfluenceofself-defeating,negativethinkingfortoolong.Eventually,everyonemusteitherlearntothinkmorepositivelyorfaceongoingunhappinessanddepression.
Negativethinkingwaslearnedinnocently.Youdidn’tsetouttohurtyourself.Youcanlearntoforgiveyourselfandgiveyourselfasecondchanceatlifewhenyouseehoweasyitwastofallintothetrap.It’struethatsomepeopleseemtobenaturaloptimists,butmanyofushadtolearnhowtobeoptimists.Wehadtochangethewaywethinkinordertofeelbetter.
It’simportanttoknowthepowerfulrolethatyourbeliefsplayincreatingyourlifeexperienceandthewayyoufeel.Ifyouthinkofyourself,‘I’malwaysbeingrippedoff,’it’snotacoincidencethatyoufeellikeavictim.Ifyouthink,‘Ifpeopleonlyknewhowdifficultmylifeis,’it’snotacoincidencethatyoufeelburdened.Circumstancesdon’tmakeaperson,theyrevealhim!Yourlifedoesn’tmakeyoufeelbad,yourthinkingdoes.
doesn’tmakeyoufeelbad,yourthinkingdoes.Yourattitudetowardslifeandyourbeliefsaboutlifeoriginatewithinyou.
Thewayyoulookatlifeisn’tsomethingthathappenstoyou–it’ssomethingthatyoumakeup,momentbymoment,asyoumovethroughlife.Atanymomentinyourlifeyoucandecidetochangeyourattitude.Yourattitudeismadeupofonethingandonethingonly–yourownthoughts.Changethem,andyourworldwillchange.
Habitsareoftenveryhardtobreak.Thisisespeciallytrue,aswediscussedinchapter9,whendealingwiththehabitofnegativethinking.Youareaccustomedtothinkingaboutthingsinacertainway.Youmayhavereinforcedyournegativethinkingthousandsoftimesthroughoutyourlifetime.Eachnegativereinforcementconvincedyoufurtherthatyouwereessentiallyright:lifeisn’tallthatgood.
Trytoimaginehowmuchbetteryourlifewouldseemifyouhadamorepositiveoutlook.Whatwoulditbelikeif,inresponsetoanunfortunateevent,youthoughttoyourself,‘I’mgladitwasn’tworse’?Whatwouldhappentoyournegativefeelingsifyounolongerthoughtnegativethoughts?
Whatisitthatpreventsyoufromthinkingmorepositively?Theanswerisstubbornness.Unlessyoudon’tacceptthefactthatyourthoughtsdeterminethewayyoufeel,stubbornnessisyouronlytrueobstacle.Thereissomewaythatyouaredecidingthatnegativethinkingismoreimportanttoyouthanfeelinggood.Ithasbeenmyexperiencethatanyonecanlearntheartofoptimism.
RachelwasoneofthemostnegativepeopleIhaveevermet.Toher,lifewasmiserable.Shewasunhappy,evendepressedmuchofthetime,butcouldn’tthinkofanyspecificreasonsforherunhappiness.Shejustfeltbad.
TherapistsandfriendsadvisedRachelto‘changeherlife’.Itwassuggestedthatshegetinvolvedinthecommunity,meetnewpeople,changeherjob,movetoanewapartment,andsoforth.Shemadeallthesechanges,andmore,yetshewasstillmiserable.Why?
HereisatypicalconversationIhadwithRachelwhenIfirstmether:
Therapist:‘How’sworkgoing?’Rachel:‘Okay,butkindofslow.Ihopetheeconomydoesn’tscareawayallthe
customers.’Therapist: ‘Rachel, I understand you are getting involved in some charitable
work.’
Rachel:‘Yeah,butit’skindofdiscouraging,somanypeoplearehurting.’Therapist:‘Isyournewboyfriendinterestedintheagencyyouarevolunteering
for?’Rachel:‘Heis,butIthinkhe’sonlygettinginvolvedinmybehalf.’
Itdidn’ttakelongtodiscoverwhyRachelwassounhappy.Ifyoulookatheranswerstomyquestions,youwillseethateverysinglereplycontainedanegativeelement.Shewasapessimistineverysenseoftheword.Seeingthenegative,orpotentialnegative,inagivensituationwasherwayofrelatingtolife.Itwasabsurdtothinkthatchanginghercircumstanceswasgoingtohelpher.WhenImether,Rachelwouldhavebeendisappointedatwinningthepools!Interestingly,whenIfirstmentionedtheword‘pessimistic’,Racheldidn’tthinkitappliedtoher.Shefeltshewasa‘realist’.
Rachel’sturnaroundcameasshebegantoseethatvirtuallyeverythingshethoughtabouthadanegativetonetoit.ItwasahabitforRacheltolookatlifenegatively.Negativethoughtswouldenterhermindandshewouldreacttothemasifitwereherobligationtodoso.
Itwasn’teasyforRacheltoseethatherthoughtsaboutlifewerejustthoughts.Shefeltherthoughtshadagreatdealofmerit.Shedidn’tthinkofherselfasnegative,butthatasarealistitwasalwaysimportanttohertopointoutthefacts.Ofcoursethewayshelookedatthefactsalwaysreinforcedherpositions.Rachelfeltthatherattitudewasjustified.Afterall,sheinsisted,‘thingscangowrongandit’simportanttobeprepared.’
Rachellearnedthatit’simpossibleforanyonetofeelgoodwhentheyfilltheirheadwithnegativity.Shelearnedoneofthemostimportantprinciplesinthisbook:youfeelthewayyoudobecauseofthethoughtsyouarehaving.WhenIremindedherthathersinglegoalincomingtoseemewastofeelbetter,shebegantoseethattoachievehergoal,shemustbegintoeliminatehernegativethoughts.Further,Rachelhadtorealizethatherresponsestolifewerenotcarvedinstone–theyweresimplyahabitthatwaskeepinghermiserable.Shewasonanemotionalmerry-go-roundwithherownthinking.Firstshewouldthinknegatively,thenshewouldfeelbad.Herbadfeelingswouldthenencouragehertothinkmorenegatively–andsoshewould.Andonandonandon.
Fortunately,thismerry-go-roundcanmoveintwodirections.AsRachelbegandismissingherhabitual,negativethinking,shebegantofeelbetter.Andasshefeltbetter,fewerandfewernegativethoughtsenteredhermind,whichmadeherfeelincreasinglyoptimisticaboutlife.
Rachelisnotunique.Anyonecanlearntheartofoptimism,butitdoestakehumilityandcourage.Youmusthavethehumilitytoadmitthatyourthinkingisnegativeandyoumusthavethecouragetosetaboutchangingit.Ifyousetyourmindtoit,youcanlearntheartofoptimism,oneofthemostimportantstepsindevelopingalifefilledwithhappinessandgratitude.
Nineteen/HappinessandGratitude
Ifyouhavesomevagueorincompleteideaofwhathappinessis,youareverylikelytomissitwhenitarrives.Itwillpassyoubybecauseyouwon’tknowwhatyou’relookingfor,evenifit’srightthereinfrontofyou–whichitis.Butifyoudounderstandwhathappinessis,andwhereitcomesfrom,youwillrecognizeandappreciateitwhenitdoessurface,thusavoidingthecommontendencytoletitdriftawaywithyourthoughts.
HappinessThereisno‘waytohappiness’.Happinessistheway.Happinessisafeelingthatyoutapinto,notanoutcomeofevents.Whenyouunderstandthisimportantdistinctionyouwill,attheveryleast,belookingintherightdirection.Youwillbeabletoencouragethefeelingofhappinesstosurface,andstaywiththefeelingwhenitarrives,ratherthanlettingitgoandcontinuingtolookelsewhereforitssource.Eachtimeyoustartlookingforhappinessoutsideyourself,andeachtimeyoutrytothinkyourwaytohappiness,itwillslipthroughyourfingersbecauseyourmindwillhavedriftedawayfromitssource.
Whenyoufindyourselfsayingsomethinglike,‘I’llbehappysomeday,’or‘Ihopetobehappysomeday,’whatyouarereallysayingis,‘SomedayIhopetobeabletotakemyattentionoffmyproblems,concerns,andnegativity,andputitonanicerfeeling,thefeelingoflove.’Mostpeople,however,arenotgoingtowakeuponedayandsuddenlyfindthemselvesignoringtheirbadfeelingsandbaskingintheirpositivefeelings.It’sgoingtotakepractice.Whetheryoustarttoday,or10yearsfromnow,youaresimplygoingtohavetostoppostponingwhatittakestobehappy.Soonerorlateryouwillhavetotakethatleapoffaithandsaytoyourself,‘OK,mylifemaynotbeperfect,butthereisnevergoingtobeabettertimeformetoputmyattentionwhereitneedstobe–onthatnicerfeelinginsidemyselfthatliesbeneathmynegativethoughts.’Whynotstartrightnow,today,thisverymoment?Thisisaveryimportantquestiontoaskyourself,onethatmustbeansweredcorrectlyifyouwishtobeonyourwaytohappiness.
Onceyoustarttoseetherelationshipbetweenyourthinkingandthewaythatyoufeel–theimmediaterelationshipandthecumulativerelationship–youareonyourwaytoalifewithlessdepression.Waitinguntilnextyeardoesn’thelp.Afterall,whatareyouwaitingfor?Theconditionsforanewlifewillneverbebetter.Nowisthetime.Youarestillgoingtohavetoimplementyournewunderstanding,andyouarestillgoingtohavetopractisewhatyouhavelearned.Andeventhoughyouhaveanewunderstandingaboutyourselfthatcanhelpyou,itwillstillbetruethatwhenyoufallbackintoyouroldhabitsandfollownegativetrainsofthought,orwhenyouaccumulatenegativementalbaggage,it’sgoingtoharmandupsetyou,andyouwillstillhavetoredirectyourthinkingandyourattention.
Whenyouspendtimearoundhappypeople,oneofthefirstthingsyounoticeaboutthemisthattheyarenotalwayshappy.Theyaregenerallyhappy,meaningtheiroverallfeelingaboutlifeisextremelypositive,butthey,too,havetheirownshareofemotionalupsanddowns.Remember,everyonehasmoods,including
verylowmoods,andinthoselowmoodslifewillseemreallybad.Andeveryone,too,willhavenegativitystreamthroughtheirmindsfromtimetotime.Happypeople,however,actuallynoticethenegativityformingintheirmindsmoreoftenthanthosewhoconsiderthemselvesunhappy.Thismakessense,becausetheirnoticingnegativityfollowedbytheirdroppingnegativityistheveryactwhichkeepsthemhappy.Theywillactuallyhavemanyofthesamethoughtsasunhappypeople,buttheirrelationshiptothosethoughtswillbecompletelydifferent.Happypeoplewillseetheirthoughtsasthoughts.Theywillstrivetoignoreanddropasmanynegativethoughtsastheycan.Theywilllookforafeelingofhappinessevenwhentheircircumstancesdon’tseemtowarrantapositiveoutlook.Theyarenotpretendingtobehappy,theyarelookingtobehappy.Theyknowthatwhattheyarelookingforisahappyfeeling,notaperfectlife.Happinesscomesfirst,andagoodlifecomesoutoffeelinghappy.Whentheydofindthemselvesbeingpulledtowardsnegativityorwhentheygetcaughtupin‘analysisparalysis’,theyknowtheyhavetochangewhattheyaredoing,andfast,iftheywanttogetbackontracktowardshappiness.
Unhappypeoplehaveadifferenttypeofrelationshiptotheirthinkingfromhappypeople.Whenunhappypeoplehaveanegativethoughtorseriesofthoughts,theytendtofollowthemoutofhabitortoseewhetherornotdoingsowillmakethemfeelbetter.Itwillnot!Unhappypeopledon’tseetheirthoughtsasthoughts,theyseethemasreality,asimportant.Theyrarelyignorethethoughtsthatbringthemdown,butinsteadanalyseorstudythem,thusgivingthemadditionallife,andmakingthemseemevenmoreformidableandimportantthantheyreallyare.OneofthegreatestdistinctionsIhaveseenbetweenhappypeopleandunhappypeopleisthewillingnesstoadmitthattheirthinkingisdysfunctional.Happypeoplejumpattheopportunitytoadmitthattheirthinkingisthecauseoftheirunhappiness.Theyadmitit.Theywanttoeliminate,asmuchaspossible,thethoughtsthatareinterferingwiththeirjoy.Theyaredelightedthatit’sthem,andnotsomeoneelse,thatisresponsiblefortheirhappiness.Unhappypeopleareusuallyfarlesswilling,orable,toadmitthattheirheadisfullofnegativity.Theywillinsist,‘Idon’thaveverymanynegativethoughts.Idon’tthinknegatively,Ijustfeeldepressed.’Thisisthemostpainfuldenialyoucaneverexperience,becauseitwronglysuggeststhatyouarenotincontrolofyourownlife–althoughyoucanbe.
Theactofadmittingthatit’syoucreatingdepressionforyourselfthroughyourownthinkingisaveryempoweringandhealingadmission.Onceyoudo,youthenhavesomecontroloverthedirectionandactionyouwilltake.Priorto
admittingthatyourthinkingiscausingyoursuffering,it’sveryeasytofeellikeavictimifyoubelievethatyourdepressionissomethingthatishappeningtoyouratherthansomethingyouaredoingtoyourself.
Happinessisafeeling,nothingmore,andnothingless.It’snotcomplicatedandit’snothardtoobtain.Happinessdoesn’trequireaperfectlifetomanifestitself,anditcertainlydoesn’tcomeaboutthroughyearsofanalysis.Ifyouwanttobehappy,studyhappypeople.Thehappiestlivesarenotthemostanalysed.Infact,ithasbeenmyexperiencethatthehappiestlivesareoftenthesimplestlives–externally,andespeciallyinternally.Happypeoplearetoobusybeinghappyandenjoyingtheirlivestostudytheirunhappiness.True,theyfeelunhappyfromtimetotime,everyonedoes,butwhystudyit?Acknowledgingitandallowingittopassawayisallyoureallyhavetodo.
Whenyouunderstandthetickingsofyourownpsychologicalclock–howyourthinkingaffectsthewayyoufeel,howyourlowmoodscanmakeyourlifeseemfarworsethanitreallyis,andthedifferencebetweenyournaturalstateofmindandyouranalyticalmind–youcanaccessthatplaceinsideyourselfwheredepressioncanneverexist.Youhaveitinyoutotapintoanicerfeeling.Behappyandtreasureyourlife.
GratitudeGratitudeistheantidotefordepression.It’saverypowerfulfeelingthatstems,likeallfeelings,fromyourthinking.
Buthowdoyoufeelgratefulifyouhavebeendepressed?WhatwouldyousayifIofferedyou£1000foreverythingyoucouldthinkoftofeelgratefulfor?You’dprobablysay,‘HowmuchtimedoIhave?’Youwouldthinkofhundredsofthingstobegratefulforbecauseyouwouldbethinkingpurposefully.Ifyourinternalantennaislookingforgratitude,itwillfindit!AsIhavediscussed,however,habitsarehardtobreak,especiallyhabitshavingtodowithyourownthinking.Ifyouareinthehabitofseeingtheglasshalfemptyinsteadofhalffull,youaregoingtohavetochallengethathabitifyouwanttoliveyourlifewithasenseofgratitude.
Howdoyougoaboutfeelinggrateful?Theprocessitselfisquitesimple:(1)yourintentionmustbetofeelgrateful–youhavetowantit.Youmustunderstandwhat’sinitforyou,andwhat’sinitforeveryoneelse;(2)youhavetorememberthatgratitudeistheveryessenceofyourhealthypsychologicalfunctioning.It’syourmostnaturalstateofmind.Becauseofthis,intheabsenceofnegativethoughts,youareleftwithafeelingofgratitude.Becausegratitudeisnatural,youhavehadtolearnnottofeelgratitude;and(3)youhavetoadmitthatyournegativityisahabit.Youarethethinkerofyourownthoughtsandit’sonlyyourthinkingthatisholdingyournegativityinplace.Youhaveitinyoutochangeyourentireattitudetoday!Youarethebossandyouareincontrolofyourthinkingbymakingthecommitmenttochangeit.Asyoudismissthenegativethoughtsthatinterferewithyourfeelingofhappinessyouwilldiscovermoregratitudesurfacinginyourlife.
Butwhydoyouevenwanttofeelgratitude?Verysimply,becausegratitudefeelsgoodanditbringsoutthebestinyou.Everythinginthisbookpointstogratitude.It’stheepitomeofhealthyfunctioninginaction.Whenyoufeelgrateful,everythinginyourlifelooksgood,andyoufeelgood.Onceyourecognizegratitudeasaforceinyourlife,itwillbegintopermeateyourentireexistence.Thebeneficiariesofthisgratefulfeelingwillbeyourself-esteem,yourrelationships,yourwell-being,yourcareer,yourhopes,yourdreams,yourproblems,yourunborndiscoveriesandyourfuture.Whenyouliveinafeelingofgratitude,therestofyourlifewilltakecareofitself.Ifyoucan’tsolveaproblemwhenyouarefeelinggratitude,thenmorethanlikelythatproblemcan’tbesolved!
Asyouhaveseen,therelationshipyouhavetoyourownthinkingisthemostsignificantfactorindeterminingthequalityofyourlife.Thisisbecauseyour
significantfactorindeterminingthequalityofyourlife.Thisisbecauseyourthinkingdirectsthewayyoufeel.Thefeelingyouliveindependsentirelyonwhereyourfocusofattentionlies.Ifyoulearntofocusonandfeelgratefulforwhatyouhaveineachmoment,thatthoughtprocesswillbecomeahabititself.Similarly,whenyoufocusonwhatislackinginorwrongwithyourlife,youwillalwaysfindawaytoattractevenmoreofwhatyoudon’tlike.
Startingrightnow,you,too,canbehappy.Beginlookingforwhat’srightinyourlife.Keeplookinganddon’tgiveupuntilseeingwhat’srightbecomesahabit.Practisefeelinggratefulevenifyoudon’tfeellikeitbecauseverysoonyouwillfindyourselfenjoyingyourselfasyouneverhavebefore.
OneofthemostcommonquestionsIamaskedis,‘IfIwalkedaroundfeelinggratefulallthetime,wouldn’tIturnintoaselfishperson?’Theanswertothisquestionisacertainno!Whatdoyoureallyofferotherpeople?Youofferthemyourpresence,yourwell-being,yourself.Whenyoufeelgood,othersaroundyouwillfeelgood.Whenyoufeelfulfilled,yourgoodfeelingsspreadtotherestoftheworld.Ontheotherhand,whenyoufeeldown,youaresoconsumedwithyourownnegativitythatyoucan’tpossiblyhaveanythingleftforanyoneelse.Whatcanyouoffersomeoneelseifyoucan’teventakecareofyourself?Sofeelinggratitudeisbothselfishandselfless.Youwinandeveryoneelsewins.
Finally,andmostimportant,thegreatestpoweryouhavetodeepenthefeelingofgratitudeinyourlifeistonoticethefeelingwhenitisthere.Neverforcethefeeling,butwhenit’sthere,takenotice.Remember,it’syourattentionthatmakesanyfeelinggrow.Don’tletevensmallfeelingsofgratitudedriftawaywithyourthoughts.Instead,noticehowtheyfeelandhelpthemgrow.Thewarmthandcomfortofthatfeelingasitgrowsisoneofthenicestfeelingsyoucanexperienceasahumanbeing.
It’sinterestingtodiscoverthatyoudon’tneedtohaveanythinginparticulartobegratefulforinordertofeelgratitude.Instead,allyouhavetodoiswanttofeelit.Again,thisisduetothefactthatgratitudestemsfromyourthinkingandnotfromthecircumstancesinyourlife.Gratitudeisanattitudetowardslifethathasnothingwhatsoevertodowithwhatyouhaveordon’thave.Thisiswhyyouwilloftenmeetpeoplewhoonthesurfacehavelittletobegratefulfor,butwhofeelagenuinesenseofdeepgratitudeforthegiftoflife.Thesepeoplearen’tfoolingthemselveswiththeirgratitude–theysimplyhaveapositiveattitude.Theylookatwhattheyhavewhilemostothersfocusonwhattheydon’thave.
Luckily,youcanalwaystakethepathofhealthyfunctioning,thepathofgratitude.Insteadoffollowingyournegativetrainsofthought,disconnectfromthem.Rememberhappinessandgratitude,whicharethefeelingsyouhavebeen
them.Rememberhappinessandgratitude,whicharethefeelingsyouhavebeenlookingfor,theansweryouneed.Theyaremorepowerfulthandepression.Trythesenewfeelingstodayandwatchyourentireexperienceasahumanbeingchangebeforeyoureyes.Youhaveitinyoutochangetoday,rightnow.Achangeofheartcanhappeninaninstant,inthismoment.
HowtoFeelGoodAgainYoufeelgoodagainbyunderstandingthatdepressionissomethingthatformswithinyourownthinking.AsI’vementionedbefore,yourthinkingisnotthesameasreality.Youproducerealthoughts,butthatisalltheyare.Youdon’thavetobefrightenedbyyourownthinkingonceyouunderstandthatyourthinkingisnotsomethingthatishappeningtoyou,butsomethingthatyouaredoingtocreateyourexperience.Youdon’tneedtoproducethoughtsandthenbedepressedbythosethoughts.Thoughtscomeandtheygo.Likearivercarryingleaves,yourmindproducesanever-endingsupplyofthoughts.Somearenice,somearenot,butallofthemarejustthoughts.Youarefreetoreachoutandgrabanythoughtyouwish,butkeepinmindthatyouaretheonedoingthereachingandthegrabbing.Ifyoucanrememberthatit’syoudoingthethinking,youwillcreatethenecessarydistanceandperspectivebetweenyourselfandyourthinking,thusprotectingyourselfagainstthenegativeeffectsofthought.
Youfeelgoodagainwhenyoustopbelievingthatyouarethinkingwhenyouaredown.Everyonefeelslowatleastsomeofthetime.Whenyouarefeelinglowyouwillalwaysfeelanurgentneedtofigureoutwhyyoufeelthewayyoudo.Youmustresistthisurge.Youdon’thavetofigureoutanything.Theonlythoughtsyouwillbeabletomanufacturewhenyouarelowarenegativethoughts,soallyourthinkingwillbecounterproductive.Youmustwaitforandlookforthepartofyouthatisn’tdepressedbeforeyoutrytofigureanythingout.Onceyoufeelbetter,yourhealthyfunctioningwilldoallthefiguringforyou,answerswillseemobvious,andyouwillhaveabetterperspective,wisdom,andcommonsense.
Youfeelgoodagainwhenyouunderstandthatdepressionisnothingmorethananextended,verylowmood.Whenyoustopparticipatinginthedestructivetendencies(thinking,analysing,figuring,worrying,talking)thatseemappropriatewhenyouarelow,andyouinsteadturnyourattentiontowardsyourhealthyfunctioning,anicer,morepeacefulfeelingwillbegintoemerge.Itisthen,whenyourperspectivecomesback,thatyoucanresumeyourthinking,andgetonwithyourlife.Thedifferencebetweenahappypersonandadepressedpersonisn’tthatthehappypersonnevergetslow–hedoes.Butthehappypersonrealizesthatbeinglowisasmuchapartoflifeasbeinghigh–shejustdoesn’tbelievewhatshethinkswhensheislow.Shedistrustsherselfbecausesheknowssheisoutofsorts.Shehesitatesbeforeshethinks.Shedoesn’tstudyherunhappiness–shelooksforherhappiness.
Youfeelgoodagainwhenyourealizethatyourattentionistheonlyglue
holdingyourthinkinginplace.Withoutattention,yourthinkingdisappears.Whennegativethoughtsarefillingyourmind,yourattentionwillhelpthemgrowevenbigger.Themoreattentionyougivethem,thebiggertheyget.Butjustbecausenegativethoughtsareinyourminddoesn’tmeanyouhavetofeedthem.Youcandeflateyourdepressionbyputtingyourattentionelsewhere:onyourhealthyfunctioning,onloveandwell-being.Yourhealthyfunctioningisallthat’sleftwhenyourattentionisoffyournegativity.Youcan’tmissit.It’stheresultofaclearmind,amindthatrefusestofeedthenegativitythatentersit.Everyonehasnegativityenterhismind–andeveryonecanlearntoturnitaway.Whenyoulearnthisskillyouwillhaveregainedthepowerofyourownlife.Youwillnolongerbeavictimofyourownthinkingbecauseyoualonewilldecidewhichthoughtsareworthfocusingonandwhichonesarebetterleftalone.
Youfeelgoodagainwhenyouunderstandthateverymomentinyourlifeisachoicepoint.Negativethoughtsmaycontinuetoenteryourmind,andthemostimportantquestionyoumustaskyourselfis:‘WhatdoIdowhenthenegativityarrives?’Doyousurrenderandfeedthenegativity,ordoyourisetothechallenge?Canyouletthenegativethoughtsgo?Canyouletthempasswithoutfeedingthem?Canyougivethemthemessagethattheyarenotimportanttoyou,thatyouwantthemtogoaway?Canyouavoidthemistakeofputtingattentiononyournegativityinordertoridyourselfofit?Canyoudirectyourattentiontowardsyourhealthyfunctioningeventhoughitseemsyoudon’thaveany?Youhaveachoice.Youareinchargeofthedirectionyoutakewhenyouareatthisforkintheroad.Youcantrytothinkyourwayoutofyourdepression–whichyouwon’tbeabletodo–oryoucanlookforandfindyourhealthyfunctioning.
Youfeelgoodagainwhenyoustartlivinginthepresentmoment.Thenexttimeyoufeeldepressednoticewhereyourthoughtsare.Theywillundoubtedlybesomewhereelse–eithersomewhereinthefutureorreviewingthepast.Butthefutureandthepastarejustthoughts,whereaslifeisrightnow.Asyoubringyourattentioninwards,closertothenow,andasyoudropyourthoughtsrelatingtothefutureandthepast,youwillnoticethatyourdepressingthoughtswillbegintodisappear.
Youfeelgoodagainwhenyouseethatlifeislikeapendulum.Youareconstantlyswingingbackandforthbetweenyourthoughtsystemandyourhealthyfunctioning.Thefactthatsomanypeopledon’trecognizetheirhealthyfunctioningdoesn’tmeanthatitdoesn’texist.Itdoes.Itjustseemssonaturalthatitmaypassunnoticed.Italwaysexistswhenyourmindisquietandclear,
thatitmaypassunnoticed.Italwaysexistswhenyourmindisquietandclear,whenyourthinkingisnotfocusedonyour‘problems’.
IftherewereasingleideaIcouldleaveyouwith,itwouldbethis:liveyourlifeinthepresentmomentandbegratefulthatyouhavethatmoment.Thepresentmomentiswhereyouwillfindyourmentalhealthandhappiness.Whenyouunderstandyourownthinkingenoughnottoletitsabotageyourlife,youwillhavetheonlytoolsyouneedtoconqueryourdepression.Yourlifewillberich,satisfyingandjoyful.Youwillfeelgoodagain.
Footnotes
1ThePsychologyofMindwasfoundedbyMrSydBanks,DrRogerMillsandDrGeorgePransky.TheprinciplesinthisbookareextrapolatedfromthethreeprinciplesofthePsychologyofMindbutarenottheactualprinciples.ReaderscanlearnmoreaboutPsychologyofMindbysendingastampedaddressedenvelopeto:HappinessTraining,POBox1196,Orinda,CA94563,USA.
ListofSearchableTerms
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