Transforming Families Through Communication

transcript

National Parent Month Seminar

Speaker:

Miguel N. Graham, Empowerment Coach

876-462-5054/ 471-2067

Miguelg.tech@gmail.com

November 28, 2013

Eccleston Primary School, Macca Tree, St. Catherine

National Parent Month 2013

Transforming Families through Communication

Family Relationships

• Family is where you are loved unconditionally and where you can depend on love even when you least deserve it.

• Family relationship is among the most important relationship you’ll ever have.

What is Communication?• Communication, the process of sharing ideas,

information, and messages with others in a particular time and place. Communication includes writing and talking, as well as nonverbal communication (such as facial expressions, body language, or gestures), visual communication (the use of images or pictures, such as painting, photography, video, or film), and electronic communication (telephone calls, electronic mail, cable television, or satellite broadcasts).

What is Communication? Continued

• Communication is a vital part of personal life and is also important in business, education, and any other situation where people encounter each other.

What is a Family?

• Family – A family is a group of two or more persons related by blood, marriage, or adoption who reside together. It has one of the strongest, most immediate & pervasive effects on a consumer’s personality, motivation and attitude.

TRANSFORMED TO TRANSFORM

TRANSFORM Defined: According to the Collins Thesaurus A-Z, TRANSFORM

means!

change, convert, alter, reconstruct, renew, make over, overhaul,

revamp, remake, remodel, transfigure, restyle

Relationships

Attitude to others & to life

Negative statements/beliefs

Communication Symbols

National Parent Month

• Over the years, November has been observed as National Parent Month as part of the Ministry of Education’s policy to support and promote effective parenting.

• The month concludes with a national conference and expo at the Jamaica College in St. Andrew, hosted by the National Parent Teachers Association of Jamaica (NPTAJ), under the theme: ‘Parents, Care and Protect Your Children… Get Involved’.

• There will also be an area for “21st Century parenting”, which will demonstrate new technology that children are exposed to and ways in which parents can use technology to make learning fun.

• She also informed that on November 29, there will be a national assembly of parents. “We will ask parents to assemble in the morning at their children’s school and they will give a pledge of involvement and receive bands or pins that state ‘I am an involved parent’ and it’s really a symbol to show their dedication to their children and their involvement in school,” she explained.

Every Family Creates Its Own Identity

• The interaction of YOUR family members creates an overall experience of family life that cannot be re-created by any other family.

Communication Patterns

• Relational cultures are created out of communication, maintained and altered out of communication and dissolved out of communication!

– Verbal communication

– Non-verbal communication (behaviors)

• FACIAL EXPRESSIONS

• TONE OF VOICE

• POSTURE

• EYE CONTACT

Communication Patterns + Family Meanings

• Communication patterns provide order and predictability (“normal”) for family members.

– Family Communication Rules

– Family Secrets

– Family Communication Networks

– Family Stories

• Each of these patterns contribute to your family’s meaning.

Communication Patterns and

Family Functions

• Each family has a unique system of communicating with each other.

• Like all other systems, there are functions for family communication.

• If these functions fail, the system fails. (Cushman and Craig, 1976)

• There are primary functions and secondary functions.

1. Family Image. (how one sees the family)

2. Family Themes. (what family believes in)

3. Family Boundaries. (what separates family from nonfamily)

4. Biosocial Issues. (issues of rank in family) (Hess and Handel)

Emotional bonding that family members

experience with each other. (Olson 2000)

DISENGAGED extreme separateness and little

family belongingness

SEPARATED emotional independence with some

joint involvement and belonging

CONNECTED strive for emotional closeness, loyalty

and joint involvement and some individuality

ENMESHED extreme closeness, loyalty and almost

no individuality

• Families communicate in systems to fulfill cohesive and adaptive functions

• Family life is shaped by secondary functions

• Resource:

• Galvin, K. Family Communication: Cohesion and Change. Pearson Education Inc. (1998)

Ways We Communicate

• Verbal

– using words to communicate how we feel.

• Non-verbal

– using facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, and gestures to communicate how we feel.

3 Elements of Communication

Words7%

Vocal element

38%Non-

verbal55%

The more consistency

there is between these

three elements, the

more believable you

Activity…

Which Style are You?

Discovering Your Communication Style

Complete the quiz,

but do not answer the questions

after you figure your score.

Styles of Communication

1. Passive

2. Aggressive

3. Assertive

Assertiveness• Assertiveness is believing we have a right to

have ideas and feelings. Assertiveness is standing up for our rights and still respecting the rights of others.

– The most effective and healthiest form of communication, but used the least!

– Communication without games and manipulation.

– We work hard to create mutually satisfying solutions.

– Communicate our needs clearly.

– We care about the relationship.

– We know our limits and refuse to be pushed beyond them just because someone else wants or

Aggressive• Aggressive is: When I take my own rights into account and not the other person’s.

– Aggressive communication always involves manipulation. We may attempt to make people do what we want by inducing guilt (hurt) or by using intimidation and control tactics (anger).

– We simply want our needs met - and right now!

– Although there are a few arenas where aggressive behavior is called for (i.e., sports or war), it will never work in a relationship.

Passive

• Passive can be defined as when I take the other person’s rights into account and NOT my own.

– Compliance

– Avoid confrontation

– In this mode we don't talk much, question even less, and actually do very little. We just don't want to rock the boat.

– Passives have learned that it is safer not to react

Listening

Skills and Blocks

Listening Skills

• Stop Talking and Listen

• Help the other person feel free to speak—look like you are interested in what he has to say.

Listening Skills

• Go to an appropriate environment to talk…Not in the middle of a noisy gym.

• Remove all distractions such as the phone,TV or radio.

Listening Skills

• Let the person finish what they are saying before you begin to talk—do not finish sentences for them.

• Do not offer advice unless it is asked for.

Listening Skills

• Ask questions to the person. This shows that you have been listening and are interested in what is being said.

• Ask questions that cannot be answered with one word?– Open ended

- Avoid Yes/No

Listening Skills

• Listen with appropriate body language—Nods, hand gestures, etc.

• Don’t yawn or lean back—act as if you are interested.

Effective Listening

• Be honest and sincere, but not critical and sarcastic.

• Remember, people react to what is said as follows– 55% to facial expression

– 38% to tone of voice

– 7% to words

Listening Skills

• Sit or stand near the person to whom you are speaking.

• Maintain Eye Contact

Listening Skills

• Give Appropriate Feedback

– Reflective Listening

Listening Blocks

• I must defend my position

I’m looking for an Entrance-

• Don’t be more concerned with what you have to say than what is being said.

I don’t have time to listen to you

• If the current time is not convenient, simply tell the other person that another time would be better, that you are busy right now

I already know what you have to say.

• You don’t know what another person is going to say until they have said it. Listen!

I know what you should do…

• Don’t give advice unless it’s asked for.

Destructive and Constructive Communication

Janaican Family

“Sticks and stones will

break my bones, but

words will never hurt

me.”

Words, tone of voice

and body language.

Motivator

• A hammer represents communication and there are 4 parts.

• Brainstorm ideas for labeling the four parts of the hammer of communication.

Hammer of Communication

THE HEAD IS LIKE

CONSTRUCTIVE

COMMUNICATION.

It is smooth and rounded

and is used to build and

help put things together.

THE CLAW IS LIKE

DESTRUCTIVE

COMMUNICATION.

It is sharp and dangerous

and is used to destroy and

tear down relationships.

THE SHANK IS LIKE

NON-VERBAL

COMMUNICATION:

It is strong and can

be used to support

construction or

destruction.

THE HANDLE OF THE

HAMMER IS LIKE US– IT

IS THE DRIVING FORCE.

We are in control of our

communication and

choose to use it in a

constructive or destructive

manner.

Destructive Communication

1. Blaming

2. Interrupting

3. Endless Fighting-don’t bring up old issues

4. Character Assassination-no name calling

5. Calling in Reinforcements-don’t bring

other people into the argument

6. Withdrawal-communicates hurt, rejection,

neglect, indifference, and/or anger

7. Need to be Right

Video Clip

• The Little Mermaid

Constructive Communication

1. “I” Messages

2. Clarity

3. Timing

4. Asking Questions

5. Reflective Listening

6. Respect and Consideration

7. Avoiding Intense Anger

“I” Messages

• To solve conflicts it is important to be able to express feelings without attacking the other person. “I” messages allow you to say how you feel in a positive way. An “I” message has four parts:

1. I feel… (state the feeling)

2. When you… (state the other person’s behavior)

3. Because… (state the effect)

4. I need… (state what you want to happen)

• Situation: You come home and discover that your sister has hacked into your email account.

• Response: “It makes me mad when you open my mail. I feel like my privacy has been invaded and that you have no respect for me. Please don’t do that again.”

• Clarity – Meaning what you say and then saying what you mean.

• Timing – Select a good time to do your important communicating.

Asking Questions – People seldom say what they really mean the first time.– "Why do you think that Mr. Jones doesn't like you?"

– "What did Mr. Jones say to you?"

– "Where were you when your friends left you?"

Reflective Listening – listener mirrors back thoughts and/or feelings the speaker is experiencing. Purpose is to clarify.– Are you saying?

– You seem to be saying?

• Respect and Consideration – One sure way of ending good communication is by being critical or judgmental. Respect the other person’s point of view.

• Avoiding Intense Anger – Sometimes we become too emotional to communicate effectively.

• Shouting

• Name Calling

• Physical expression

Roadblocks

Destroys Self- Esteem and creates Fear.

1.Father wants to read the paper. Child keeps climbing on his lap. Father is irritated.

“You” message: “You shouldn’t ever interrupt someone when he is reading.”

“I” message: ______________________

2.Mother using vacuum cleaner. Child keeps pulling plug out of socket. Mother is in a hurry.

“You” message: “You’re being naughty.”

“I” message:______________________

2 C’s when Communicating

• Clear. We should live life our lives in full living color with no shades of gray. And that’s how we should communicate. We should speak in black-and-white terms with punctuations from the rainbow, but with no gray areas. “Yes” instead of “yeah.” “No” instead of “nah.” And to avoid assumptions, your directives, directions, instructions, regulations, and interpretations should be as clearly stated as those two words. Leave no stone unturned by asking the all-important question: “Do you have any questions?” And be sure to listen very carefully to the answer.

• Courteous. “Hello,” “Please,” “Thank you,” “May I,” “Excuse me,” and “I’m sorry” are all too forgotten once we stop watching Sesame Street. When, in fact, these words and phrases are probably some of the most important and effective in the English language. Not to mention simple. It doesn’t take much effort to be courteous and to demonstrate respect throughout the course of the day to everyone you encounter. It sets the right tone and attitude.

God loves you

•Always Remember Never Forget!!!!

Thank You