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1© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
After the Storm
Resolving Post-SeparationConflict
2© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
The High Conflict Parent Range of Behaviors (Johnston)
1. Verbal sniping, passive aggression
2. Arguments, interference3. Aggression via the courts4. Threats, stalking5. Property damage6. Physical violence, murder
3© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
The High Conflict Parent How many divorcing parents are
HIGH CONFLICT?
80%
10% 10%Low, Settle
Low, Court
High, Court
4© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
The High Conflict Parent Costs (to parents)
attorneys, mediators, evaluators
therapists, counselors time lost from work (e.g,
hearings)
5© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
The High Conflict Parent Costs (to parents), cont’d
day care supervised visitation drug/alcohol monitoring lowered functioning
6© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
The High Conflict Parent Public costs (taxpayers)
Court, judge, magistrate, security
Evaluation, mediation, counselors
Guardian ad litem Children’s services Schools
7© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
The High Conflict Parent Costs to Your Children
Fear and worry Loyalty tug-of-war Anger and confusion Emotional trauma, stress Health problems School problems Future relationship problems
8© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
Reasons for Conflict
Failing the Tasks of Divorce1. Unable to accept the failure of the marriage
In emotional shockCan’t recognize both are woundedFault finding, blaming, revengeCan’t see both points of viewFeeling personally rejectedWon’t seek personal help
9© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
Reasons for Conflict
2. Unable to recognize the divorce as a family crisis
Failure to protect the childrenFailure to plan for financial
healthFailure to plan the process of
uncoupling
10© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
Reasons for Conflict
3. Unable to Perform the Psychological Tasks of Divorce
Limit and structure contact with “ex” Find safe outlet for strong emotions Find sounding board Get help: Legal, psychological Healthy perspective: Healing vs.
revenge Separate parenting from marital roles
11© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
Stages of Grief
1. Denial2. Anger3. Bargaining4. Depression5. Acceptance,moving on
12© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
Assumptions of Conflicted Parents “My needs are more important.” “The other parent cannot be
trusted.” “The other parent is a danger to
my child.” “My child will benefit in spite of
conflict.”
13© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
Assumptions of Conflicted Parents “Only my view of my child’s
needs is valid.” “My child must have one house,
one set of goals, one set of rules.”
“My attorney must represent my interests at all costs”
14© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
Assumptions of Conflicted Parents “The court must validate my point
of view.” “I may need to expend all
assets.” “Any level of anger/violence is
justified.” “Any reasonable person would
agree with me.”
15© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
4. Resolving blame and guiltTry these sentence completions (and
share with other parent)
1. I am angry at you for _____________________
2. I am angry at myself for _____________________
16© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
4. Resolving blame and guilt, cont’d
3. I should have ________________________
4. You should have ________________________
5. I wish we could have ________________________
17© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
4. Resolving blame and guilt, cont’d6. I am sorry for________________
7. I want you to acknowledge __________________________
8. I feel that you owe me_________
9. I feel that I owe you ___________
18© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
4. Resolving blame and guilt, cont’d
10. I need to forgive myself for _________________
11. I need to forgive you for ___________________
19© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
4. Resolving blame and guilt, cont’d
12. By knowing you, I learned and gained the following _____________________
13. I have enriched you in the following ways ____________________
20© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
4. Resolving blame and guilt, cont’d
14. I wish _____________________
15. I also wish _____________________
21© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
6. Increasing Child Focus
Verbal or written exercise for parents (only include what both parents agree on)
A. We have the following goals and hopes for
our children:
22© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
6. Increasing Child Focus, cont’d
B. When our children become adults and look back on this period in their lives, we would like them to be able to say the following about us as parents:
23© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
6. Increasing Child Focus, cont’d
C. We as parents can achieve the two
items above by doing the following together:
24© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
Ways to Avoid Conflict Limit contact with your “ex” Safe emotional outlet Find a “sounding board” Legal, psychological help Healing vs. revenge Parenting vs. marital roles
25© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
VIDEO EXCERPT
26© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
VIDEO EXCERPT1. Why are these parents
in conflict?
2. What “buttons” do they push?
27© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
VIDEO EXCERPT
28© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
VIDEO EXCERPTn What is each person
thinking and feeling?1. Wayne, the father2. Karen, the mother3. Bob, the boyfriend4. Sarah, the daughter
29© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
Court Options Temporary rulings Restraining orders Case management Court-ordered services
Education Mental health Evaluations
30© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
Court Options Mental Health
Co-parenting coordinators Supervised visitation Family, individual therapy
31© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
Court Options Child and Family Evaluations
Home-based & behavioralFocus on child’s needsAssess parent’s capabilitiesAssess causes, cures of
conflictParents need accurate view
of child and selvesShould lead to a flexible plan
32© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
Moderate Court Options Education classes Mediation Collaborative Law Safe exchanges
33© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
Conflict Reduction1. Both parents need information
on potential harm of conflict2. Respond without escalation3. Learn communication skills4. Resolve blame and guilt5. Focusing on the future6. Increasing focus on children
34© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
Types of conflict Destructive conflict
focus on winning (and retaliating for loss)
proving who is right Constructive conflict
focus on problem solving
35© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
Using “Akido” Accept conflict, move it out of
harm’s way Center yourself; take deep breaths Don’t get defensive; accept other’s
concern Remain detached; ask questions Work with other vs. challenging
them
36© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
Communication skills Make agenda, stay on one
topic Use “I” messages Use “Active Listening” Ask “open-ended”
questions
37© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
“I” messages• 1. Simple statement about
how you feel:• “I feel really frustrated when
you……”
• 2. Simple request for a behavior change
• “I would like it if you could……”
38© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
Active listening1. Listen to what the other
person just said
2. Calmly say back what you think you heard
3. Ask if you got it right
39© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
Open-ended questions1. Ask what the children
need2. Ask what the other parent
needs3. Ask how you can meet
those needs
40© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
VIDEO EXCERPTThe High-Conflict
Exchange
41© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
VIDEO EXCERPT1. What skills did you see
each adult use?2. What skills does each
need to use?3. What is the daughter
feeling this time?
42© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
Parallel Parenting Agree on common goals
and standards Negotiate how to reach
goals for children Communicate only about
parenting activities Business-like relationship
43© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
VIDEO EXCERPT
AnExample of
ParallelParenting
44© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
VIDEO EXCERPT
What caused this problem?
What is each person thinking & feeling?
45© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
VIDEO EXCERPT
ParallelParenting:
A Better Way
46© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
VIDEO EXCERPT
Mom’s Use of Skills: Supervised Sean Praised Sean Clear expectations Consequences
47© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
VIDEO EXCERPTParallel Parenting:
AnotherBetter Way
48© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
VIDEO EXCERPTMom’s Use of Skills: Took responsibility “I” message, request Business-like tone Active listening Cooperative alliance
49© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
VIDEO EXCERPT
Dad’s Use of Skills: Frequent
communication Safe format for
communication
50© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
Helping Children Adjust Avoid Conflict
Carrying message Money issues Criticisms of the other parent Quizzing about the other
parent
51© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
Helping Children Adjust Loss of Contact
Phone calls Emails Web cameras Pictures Calendars Audio tapes
52© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
Focus on the Future
We cannot change the past.
We can control the future.
53© 2002, Jack Arbuthnot & Donald A. Gordon
Further Information
The Center for Divorce EducationP.O. Box 5900
Athens, OH 45701
740-594-7173
www.divorce-education.com