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Berghmans Lhoist Chaired Professor in Entrepreneurial Leadership

Founding Director, Wendel International Centre for Family Enterprise

INSEAD - Europe and Asia

Randel Carlock

Exploring and Strengthening Your Family

Communication

Dad, why don’t you communicate your caring or love?

This Workshop is about You and Your Communication

Sonja Lyubomirsky. Positive Psychology Studies on HappinessInternational Positive Psychology Association (IPPA) at the quarterly Leader's Series held on December 10, 2008.

Nature and nurture account for about 60 percent of a person's ability to interact and experience the world.

-Nature: genetics, DNA, biology

-Nurture: environment, parenting, family, childhood

Individual behavior accounts for about 40 percent of a person's effectiveness and happiness. Intentional activities including habits, actions, and thought patterns based on how a person chooses to behave.

Effective communication is listening to create a dialogue

between two or more persons with a goal of sharing

information. The communication process is completed when

the receiver has understood the sender’s message

through feedback.

What is Communication? The Basis of All Relationships

Communication is when one person affects another;

it includes all human behavior.

Extended

Family

Family

Financial

EnvironmentWork/career/

vocation

Community/society

Marriage/partnership

Friends

Positive Interpersonal Relationships Make a Happy Life

Happiness Dimensions of a Life

Financial

Environment

SpiritualGrowth &learning

Health &

fitnessSpiritual

Growth &learning

Health &

fitness

Next generatio

n

Extended

Family

Family

Work/career/

vocation

Community/society

Marriage/partnership

Friends

Relationship Dimensions of a Life

Next generation

Source: Olson, D., Sprenkle, D., & Russell, C. (1979). The Circumplex Model ofMarriage and Family Systems: Cohesion and Adaptability Dimensions, Family Typesand Clinical Applications. Family Process, 18, 3-28 (original research, modified three times).

Family Functioning: The Circumplex Model

• Cohesion describes the family’s emotional bonding (closeness)

• Flexibility describes the family’s ability to change relationships, roles and rules (adaptability)

• Communication is the tool to learn new behaviors and meaning

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Cohesion: Family Connections, Love, Closeness

• Separateness – togetherness: How does your family balance?

• Family closeness: How close do family members feel to each other?

• Loyalty: How loyal are family members?

• Activities: Do people usually engage in activities alone or together?

• Independent – dependent: How independent (or dependent) are family members?

Flexibility: Family Control is about the Family’s Rules

•Leadership: Is power shared between parents/adults?

•Communication: How are differences or conflicts negotiated in your family?

•Roles: Are family members restricted to certain roles?

•Rules: Do rules seem appropriate for age of family members? Have the rules evolved over time?

•Change: How adaptable is your family to change?

Communications Improves Family Relationships

1. There is a good degree of closeness between family members

2. There is good quality communication between family members

3. The family works to resolve conflicts

4. The family effectively discusses problems

5. Criticism is fair

6. It improves the quality of your sex life

7. I have a real concern for my extended family

8. I am satisfied with how we communicate with each other

9. My family members express affection to each other

10. My family members are able to ask each other for what they want

Source: Circumplex Model of Family Couple Functioning. Olson, D.. (2003)

Exercise: Family Communication Questionnaire Listed below are a series of statements that represent possible feelings that individuals might have about their family. Based on

your feelings about your family, please indicate your degree of agreement or disagreement with each statement by using one of the five response choices below to rate each statement. Total your points as a tool for discussing family communications.

RESPONSE CHOICES

For each of the following statements, choose the number that best describes your family:

_____ 1. Family members are satisfied with how we communicate with each other.

_____ 2. Family members are good listeners.

_____ 3. Family members express affection to each other.

_____ 4. Family members talk about important issues.

_____ 5. When angry, family members avoid saying things that would be better left unsaid.

_____ 6. Family members discuss their beliefs and ideas with each other.

_____ 7. When family members ask questions of each other, we get honest answers.

_____ 8. Family members try to understand each other’s feelings.

_____ 9. Family members calmly discuss problems with each other.

_____ 10. We express our true feelings to each other

_____ Total Points

 

1DOES NOT

describe ourfamily at all

2SLIGHTLY

describes ourfamily

3SOMEWHAT

describes ourFamily

4GENERALLY

describes our family

5VERY WELL

describes our family

© 1996 D. H. Olson. Family Social Science. University of Minnesota. Modified 1999 by Randel S. Carlock

Family Communication Assessment Scoring

Family Communications

Effectiveness Rating

CommunicationsScore

Very High 50-44

High 43-38

Moderate 37-33

Low 32-29

Very Low 28-15

Communication: Two Simultaneous & Interactive Roles

Receiver•Decoding the message•Developing a thought or idea•Feedback to sender

Sender•Encoding a message about a thought or idea

•Receiving feedback

Thought Thought

Sending

Miscommunication

Feedback

Communication is not Easy for many Reasons

Encoding message

Sending the message

Our careers are going well and I think we need a new car! Decoding message

I agree! A new car will be great for our family!

Sending the message

Encoding message

Three Dimensions of Effective CommunicationThree Dimensions of Effective Communication

Agreements, Location, Activities

List

enin

g an

d

hear

ing

Beliefs, Thinking

and FeelingsCommunicati

on SkillsCommunicati

on SkillsPsychological

Factors

Process, Structures and Environment

Deep Listening

Reflective Listening

Self-disclosure

Human Barriers to Effective Communication

Communication SkillsCommunications behaviors and skills: Listening with respect, empathy, reflecting, “I” statements, self disclosure, clarity, continuity, or valuing the relationship.

PsychologyPersonality: Our narcissistic tendencies to focus on ourselves, rather than the other person. Painful or difficult communication stimulate defense mechanisms like avoidance, denial or blame.

Beliefs, values, goals and culture: Humans understand something new based on their experiences. We listen uncritically to persons who agree with us while we struggle with difference.

Process and environmental Shared goals, processes for communicating, clear roles, the right location or space, eliminating noise or any other stimulus that provides a potential distraction.

Exercise Two MinutesDeep Listening Skills Versus Multi Task Listening

1. Find your mobile telephone. Write down the name and number of an important call you received this week and need to return.

2. DO NOT think about the conflict you had this morning.

1. Write down on a white card something you need to do at work this afternoon after our workshop.

2. Write down what you are planning for dinner.

2. While doing the above, TURN to the person next to you and both of describe and share a successful communication experience.

Take out your mobile phone, some papers, reading and a pen.

Confrontational listeningEngaged but thinking of rebuttals, your ideas and point of view etc.

Deep listening

Outside of yourself, aware of both content and meaning, hearing with your 3rd ear

Active listening

Very focused on what the other person, reflecting their ideas, words and thinking

Conversational listeningCasual listening, not deeply engaged, appearing interested

Engaging in several tasks including text And conversation

Multi task listening

Communications Skill One: Deeper Levels of Listening

Exercise OneDeep Listening Means Deep Respect

Respect and Valuing

the Relationship

EffectivenessHighLow

Lack of respect for

Feelings of others

Somewhat respectful of others feelings

Consistently respectful of

other’s feelings

Communications Skill Two: Reflective/Active Listening

• The human tendency to judge, evaluate, and approve any emotionally meaningful statement is a major barrier to interpersonal communication

• Using another person’s words and ideas is being reflective. It connects you with what the other person considers important.

• Curiosity to hear what the other person hears, feels and what life is like for another person.

• Feelings are “facts” and we need to recognize ours and accept others.• Listening helps you because as you learn to listen you become more

accepting of yourself.

Source: Carl Rogers, Barriers and Gateways to Communication

Exercise Two - Two MinutesReflective Listening - Play Both Roles

1. EACH PERSON: Write down one idea you want to share about a communication challenge you face at work or home.

2. SPEAKER: Share your idea.

1. LISTENER: Carefully listen to the speaker’s every word and then make two comments or ask questions using some of the speaker’s specific words. It sounds like you have a “struggle talking with your partner about dual careers” . . . or “talking about dual careers” is always tough . .

2. Trade roles and do the exercise again.

Exercise TwoDemonstrating Reflective or Active Listening

ReflectiveListening

EffectivenessHighLow

Seldom reflects ideas

Sometimes reflects ideas

Often reflectsideas

• Reflective listening starts with hearing not speaking

• Reflective listening demonstrates hearing and empathy

• Reflective listening means refusing to think for the other

• Reflective listening is learning to discover the other person’s inner qualities

Exercise Three - Two MinutesCommunications Skill Two: Self-disclosure “I” Statements

1. EACH PERSON: Write down on a white card a serious communication challenge you have recently faced in your family or personal life.

2. SPEAKER: Turn to the person next to you and share your communication challenge.

3. LISTENER: Attempt to connect with the speaker by sharing something about your experience being carefully so speak briefly.

4. Trade roles and do the exercise again.

• Values based (I believe)

• Self disclosure (I am sad)

• Demonstrated commitment to relationships (I need you)

• Strengthens family relationships based on trust (I am hurt)

• Key activity for problem-solving (I can help)

Self-disclosure and “I” Statements

EffectivenessHighLow

Moderate sharing

of feelings

High sharing of feelings

Low sharing of feelings

“I” Statements

Speaks mainly for oneself

Speaks for oneself more than for

others

Often speaks for others

Self-disclosure

Skills for Effective Interpersonal Communications

EffectivenessHighLow

Clarity

Continuity/Tracking

Incongruence between verbal &

non-verbal messages

Speaking skills-

I Statements

Seldom reflects ideas

Sometimes reflects ideas

Often reflects ideas

Lack of respect for Feelings of others

Respect valuing

the relationship

Somewhat respectful

of others feelings

Consistently respectful of

other’s feelings

Listening skill-reflecting

Some clarity,but not consistent

across time

Verbal messages very clear

Frequent/inappropriate topic changes

Topic changes not consistently appropriate

Appropriate topic

changes

*Adapted from D.H. Olson. (1996). Family Assessment Package. St. Paul, MN: University of Minnesota.

Speaks mainly for oneself

Speaks for oneself more than for others

Often speaks for others

Self-disclosureLow sharing of

feelingsHigh sharing of

feelingsModerate sharing

of feelings

Dad why Didn’t you Just Say It? I love you son!

Thank you for Listening

“When you say I love you, is that just to remind yourself?”

Listening may be the mostbeautiful gift that we can give someone, it is like telling the other person: You are important to me, you are interesting, I am happy that you are here. All without saying a word!