1 catholic center for family Spirituality

1

Immaculate conceptIon SemInary School of theology

This publication is dedicated to the memory of

Deacon William J. Toth, Ph.D.

1940-2008

Immaculate Conception Seminary School of Theology

S e t o n h a l l u n I V e r S I t y

Family Reflections

catholic center for family Spirituality

c a t h o l I c c e n t e r f o r f a m I l y S p I r I t u a l I t y

2 3


kEditor-in-Chief Stephen B. Kass

Associate Editors

Dianne M. Traflet Eilish R. Harrington

Assistant Editors

Kristine Hudak Kathleen M. Childers

Matthew Higgins

Director of the Catholic Center for Family Spirituality

Andrew E. Saunders

Public Relations and Marketing Department

Christine Aromando Lorraine Joyce

Designer James Goodwin

k

Family Reflections


presents


2 3


kEditor-in-Chief Stephen B. Kass

Associate Editors

Dianne M. Traflet Eilish R. Harrington

Assistant Editors

Kristine Hudak Kathleen M. Childers

Matthew Higgins

Director of the Catholic Center for Family Spirituality

Andrew E. Saunders

Public Relations and Marketing Department

Christine Aromando Lorraine Joyce

Designer James Goodwin

k

Family Reflections


presents


4 5


Covenantal and Vocational Aspects of Marriage 56Stephen B. Kass, m.S., m.a.t.

Family Spirituality as a Transformation of Love 62mario coccia, m.a.t., S.t.l.

Learning Latin 68lt. Joseph toth, uSn, Jag

“You Always Hurt the One You Love:” 70 Reconciliation and the Familyreverend monsignor Joseph r. chapel, S.t.D.

Seeing Things as They Are 76reverend Stephen toth, m.Div.

The “Goods” of Marriage 78Stephen nakrosis, m.a.t.

Breaking Bread Together 86William toth, Jr.

How Papal Teachings on Erotic Love 88and Theology of the Body are AppliedThrough the Virtue of Modestyreverend W. Jerome Bracken, c.p., ph.D.

A Letter to My Father 101regina Wackerman

One Family, One Marine, One Lord of All 103andrew e. Saunders, m.a., m.a.t.

The Man Who Was Sunday 108capt. michael toth, uSmc

Introduction 6Stephen B. Kass, m.S., m.a.t.

Foreword 8reverend monsignor robert f. coleman, J.c.D.

Deacon William Toth, Ph.D.: 10 A Review of a Well-Spent Academic Life reverend John f. russell, o.carm., S.t.D.

Praying the Liturgy of the Hours Together 12Kathleen toth

Deacon William Toth, Ph.D.: A Eulogy 16Dianne m. traflet, J.D., S.t.D.

“Building Bridges” 21 Reflections from Vatican II on the Catholic Priest and his Relationship to the FamilySteven Smith, ph.D.

William J. Toth: “I Want What He Has!” 33Jennifer Burgoyne

Reflections to Accompany a Rosary Novena 34 for a Couple Preparing for MarriageDianne m. traflet, J.D., S.t.D.

The “Yes” Man 40michele carr

The Gift of Self Through Marriage 42lesa rossmann, m.a.t.

Valentine to a Little Girl 52Karen Boushelle

Table of Contents


4 5


Covenantal and Vocational Aspects of Marriage 56Stephen B. Kass, m.S., m.a.t.

Family Spirituality as a Transformation of Love 62mario coccia, m.a.t., S.t.l.

Learning Latin 68lt. Joseph toth, uSn, Jag

“You Always Hurt the One You Love:” 70 Reconciliation and the Familyreverend monsignor Joseph r. chapel, S.t.D.

Seeing Things as They Are 76reverend Stephen toth, m.Div.

The “Goods” of Marriage 78Stephen nakrosis, m.a.t.

Breaking Bread Together 86William toth, Jr.

How Papal Teachings on Erotic Love 88and Theology of the Body are AppliedThrough the Virtue of Modestyreverend W. Jerome Bracken, c.p., ph.D.

A Letter to My Father 101regina Wackerman

One Family, One Marine, One Lord of All 103andrew e. Saunders, m.a., m.a.t.

The Man Who Was Sunday 108capt. michael toth, uSmc

Introduction 6Stephen B. Kass, m.S., m.a.t.

Foreword 8reverend monsignor robert f. coleman, J.c.D.

Deacon William Toth, Ph.D.: 10 A Review of a Well-Spent Academic Life reverend John f. russell, o.carm., S.t.D.

Praying the Liturgy of the Hours Together 12Kathleen toth

Deacon William Toth, Ph.D.: A Eulogy 16Dianne m. traflet, J.D., S.t.D.

“Building Bridges” 21 Reflections from Vatican II on the Catholic Priest and his Relationship to the FamilySteven Smith, ph.D.

William J. Toth: “I Want What He Has!” 33Jennifer Burgoyne

Reflections to Accompany a Rosary Novena 34 for a Couple Preparing for MarriageDianne m. traflet, J.D., S.t.D.

The “Yes” Man 40michele carr

The Gift of Self Through Marriage 42lesa rossmann, m.a.t.

Valentine to a Little Girl 52Karen Boushelle

Table of Contents


6 7


mirrors are peculiar gadgets. Some people love them, while others avoid them at all costs.

one truth, however, is universal – and that is that all human beings are created in the

image and likeness of god (gen. 1:27). as members of the same human family, we must

remember that the reflections staring back at us in the mirror are the closest images and

representation of god on the face of the earth. In fact, theologians such as St. augustine

used the love and relationships that bind a human family as a reflection of the vast, inef-

fable mystery that resides within the persons of the Blessed trinity, who are in eternal

relation to one another.

christians have received the gift of belonging to a unique and special family. this is a

family that is not based on Dna, but on common spiritual genes. I have no brothers, sis-

ters, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles or cousins, and my wife and I never were able to have

children. When I was asked to be the editor of Family Reflections, I initially found it to be

a bit daunting and ironic. Dr. William toth, the man to whose name and memory this

volume is dedicated, was associate professor of christian ethics at Immaculate concep-

tion Seminary School of theology, a deacon, a husband and a father of eight children.

the apparent dichotomy between Dr. toth’s experiences of family and mine were stag-

gering. In many ways, I didn’t feel particularly qualified to be involved in this project and

its emphasis on the spirituality of the family given my relatively limited experience with

family dynamics. however, during the past several months, I have discovered that my

family and Dr. toth’s family might have more in common than I initially suspected. In

reading the articles from Dr. toth’s family and the articles by the other authors, it became

clear that unconditional love is the common thread braided into the fabric of family life.

the number of people in a family is not as important as the love and faith that solidify

and bind the relationships among its members. Jesus told his disciples, “’Whenever two

or three are gathered together in my name, there I am with them.’” (matt. 18:20 naB)

this statement from our lord reminds us that his love is the origin and basis of all

family life and relationships. last names are not as important as recognizing that we all

are beloved children of the same god Who calls out to each of us by name to love and

serve him.

Introduction

By Stephen B. Kass, m.S., m.a.t.

this journal contains an array of articles with distinct tones, by a variety of authors. the

reflections written by Dr. toth’s family provide insight into the man to whose memory

this volume is dedicated. the remaining compositions, written by faculty, staff and alum-

ni of Immaculate conception Seminary School of theology, offer spiritual, theological

and scholarly perspectives on various dimensions of the spirituality of family life. the

variety of pieces is intended to appeal to a broad audience. the photographs in this jour-

nal were taken by young people ages 13 to 24 who were among the winners of our photo

contest, “Images of god in my family life.”

the title of this journal, Family Reflections, was chosen not only because this volume offers

reflections on the family, but because the family is a reflection of god’s love. I pray that

the contents of this journal will offer some insight into the family life of Dr. toth and

become a mirror through which readers can gaze upon the divine image that is present

in their own families.

IntroDuctIon

Dr. William Toth


6 7


mirrors are peculiar gadgets. Some people love them, while others avoid them at all costs.

one truth, however, is universal – and that is that all human beings are created in the

image and likeness of god (gen. 1:27). as members of the same human family, we must

remember that the reflections staring back at us in the mirror are the closest images and

representation of god on the face of the earth. In fact, theologians such as St. augustine

used the love and relationships that bind a human family as a reflection of the vast, inef-

fable mystery that resides within the persons of the Blessed trinity, who are in eternal

relation to one another.

christians have received the gift of belonging to a unique and special family. this is a

family that is not based on Dna, but on common spiritual genes. I have no brothers, sis-

ters, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles or cousins, and my wife and I never were able to have

children. When I was asked to be the editor of Family Reflections, I initially found it to be

a bit daunting and ironic. Dr. William toth, the man to whose name and memory this

volume is dedicated, was associate professor of christian ethics at Immaculate concep-

tion Seminary School of theology, a deacon, a husband and a father of eight children.

the apparent dichotomy between Dr. toth’s experiences of family and mine were stag-

gering. In many ways, I didn’t feel particularly qualified to be involved in this project and

its emphasis on the spirituality of the family given my relatively limited experience with

family dynamics. however, during the past several months, I have discovered that my

family and Dr. toth’s family might have more in common than I initially suspected. In

reading the articles from Dr. toth’s family and the articles by the other authors, it became

clear that unconditional love is the common thread braided into the fabric of family life.

the number of people in a family is not as important as the love and faith that solidify

and bind the relationships among its members. Jesus told his disciples, “’Whenever two

or three are gathered together in my name, there I am with them.’” (matt. 18:20 naB)

this statement from our lord reminds us that his love is the origin and basis of all

family life and relationships. last names are not as important as recognizing that we all

are beloved children of the same god Who calls out to each of us by name to love and

serve him.

Introduction


this journal contains an array of articles with distinct tones, by a variety of authors. the

reflections written by Dr. toth’s family provide insight into the man to whose memory

this volume is dedicated. the remaining compositions, written by faculty, staff and alum-

ni of Immaculate conception Seminary School of theology, offer spiritual, theological

and scholarly perspectives on various dimensions of the spirituality of family life. the

variety of pieces is intended to appeal to a broad audience. the photographs in this jour-

nal were taken by young people ages 13 to 24 who were among the winners of our photo

contest, “Images of god in my family life.”

the title of this journal, Family Reflections, was chosen not only because this volume offers

reflections on the family, but because the family is a reflection of god’s love. I pray that

the contents of this journal will offer some insight into the family life of Dr. toth and

become a mirror through which readers can gaze upon the divine image that is present

in their own families.

IntroDuctIon

Dr. William Toth


8 9


on the advent of the Seminary’s sesquicentennial, we continue to be inspired, guided

and protected by the Blessed Virgin mary as we continue our mission of forming priests

for service in the church. Despite changes in culture and the religious climate in our

country and society, the Seminary has remained firm in its founding vision, principles

and goals. as our Seminary motto proclaims, the priests who complete our formation

program will go forth to be “Dispensers of the mysteries of god,” offering people visible

signs of god’s infinite mercy and compassion.

the Seminary also continues to focus on educating the laity, to enable as many people as

possible to have an impact on the life of the church and the world. the creation of the

Institute for christian Spirituality in 2005 and the catholic center for family Spirituality

in 2008 has expanded the Seminary’s diverse programs and has offered new opportuni-

ties, particularly for lay students, to experience the best academic offerings in systematic,

moral and pastoral theology. today, numerous lay alumni are devoting their energies to

bringing about the manifestation of god’s Kingdom on earth and sharing the divine life

of the gospel with an increasingly secular society.

It has been nearly 30 years since pope John paul II issued his apostolic exhortation,

Familiaris Consortio. In this document, the holy father reminds the faithful that every

christian family is a reflection of the “church in miniature.” this serves to awaken the

notion that “church” is not necessarily limited to a physical structure. church includes

people who gather together to profess their faith and proclaim their love for god. the

family is a mirror of the church because it serves to remind people that relationships are

at the heart of our faith. the love that binds the persons of the Blessed trinity is reflec-

tive of the love that binds christ to his church and the members of a family together.

ours is not a church of individuals, but a family of believers who are unified through a

common baptism.

here at the Seminary, we have established our own family. the priests, seminarians, fac-

ulty, staff, clergy and lay people who comprise our beloved institution come from diverse

Foreword

By reverend monsignor robert f. coleman, J.c.D.

foreWorD

cultural and ethnic backgrounds. however, as St. paul states in his letter to the galatians,

“for by one Spirit we were all baptized into one body” (1 cor. 12:13). our Seminary fam-

ily reflects the diverse nature of christ’s family – a family that is bound by the blood that

was shed on calvary for the common salvation of man. It is only fitting, that this volume

is dedicated to the memory of an important member of our Seminary family – Deacon

William J. toth, ph.D.

Bill toth was a member of the Seminary family for nearly 20 years. his untimely death

in 2008 was a shock to us all. he was a pivotal member of the Seminary community, the

archdiocese of newark and a beloved husband and father who is missed by all who had

the privilege of knowing him. Bill will be remembered always for his love and thirst for

god. throughout so many years, he shared this love with others as he lovingly brought

many to drink from the well of eternal life. my hope is that this volume will help readers

to learn more about the man who was an integral part of our Seminary family and grow

closer to god, Who is fully present in their own families as well.

Reverend Monsignor Robert Coleman is Rector and Dean of Immaculate

Conception Seminary School of Theology, where he also teaches Canon Law.

He was ordained to the priesthood in 1978 and holds a J.C.D. from the Pon-

tifical Gregorian University. Monsignor Coleman served as vice-rector/business

manager of Immaculate Conception Seminary School of Theology from 1996 to

2000, and, in 2000, he was appointed Rector and Dean. In 2005, Monsignor

Coleman was elevated to the rank of Prelate of Honor.

Bill Toth and his Family


8 9


on the advent of the Seminary’s sesquicentennial, we continue to be inspired, guided

and protected by the Blessed Virgin mary as we continue our mission of forming priests

for service in the church. Despite changes in culture and the religious climate in our

country and society, the Seminary has remained firm in its founding vision, principles

and goals. as our Seminary motto proclaims, the priests who complete our formation

program will go forth to be “Dispensers of the mysteries of god,” offering people visible

signs of god’s infinite mercy and compassion.

the Seminary also continues to focus on educating the laity, to enable as many people as

possible to have an impact on the life of the church and the world. the creation of the

Institute for christian Spirituality in 2005 and the catholic center for family Spirituality

in 2008 has expanded the Seminary’s diverse programs and has offered new opportuni-

ties, particularly for lay students, to experience the best academic offerings in systematic,

moral and pastoral theology. today, numerous lay alumni are devoting their energies to

bringing about the manifestation of god’s Kingdom on earth and sharing the divine life

of the gospel with an increasingly secular society.

It has been nearly 30 years since pope John paul II issued his apostolic exhortation,

Familiaris Consortio. In this document, the holy father reminds the faithful that every

christian family is a reflection of the “church in miniature.” this serves to awaken the

notion that “church” is not necessarily limited to a physical structure. church includes

people who gather together to profess their faith and proclaim their love for god. the

family is a mirror of the church because it serves to remind people that relationships are

at the heart of our faith. the love that binds the persons of the Blessed trinity is reflec-

tive of the love that binds christ to his church and the members of a family together.

ours is not a church of individuals, but a family of believers who are unified through a

common baptism.

here at the Seminary, we have established our own family. the priests, seminarians, fac-

ulty, staff, clergy and lay people who comprise our beloved institution come from diverse

Foreword

By reverend monsignor robert f. coleman, J.c.D.

foreWorD

cultural and ethnic backgrounds. however, as St. paul states in his letter to the galatians,

“for by one Spirit we were all baptized into one body” (1 cor. 12:13). our Seminary fam-

ily reflects the diverse nature of christ’s family – a family that is bound by the blood that

was shed on calvary for the common salvation of man. It is only fitting, that this volume

is dedicated to the memory of an important member of our Seminary family – Deacon

William J. toth, ph.D.

Bill toth was a member of the Seminary family for nearly 20 years. his untimely death

in 2008 was a shock to us all. he was a pivotal member of the Seminary community, the

archdiocese of newark and a beloved husband and father who is missed by all who had

the privilege of knowing him. Bill will be remembered always for his love and thirst for

god. throughout so many years, he shared this love with others as he lovingly brought

many to drink from the well of eternal life. my hope is that this volume will help readers

to learn more about the man who was an integral part of our Seminary family and grow

closer to god, Who is fully present in their own families as well.

Reverend Monsignor Robert Coleman is Rector and Dean of Immaculate

Conception Seminary School of Theology, where he also teaches Canon Law.

He was ordained to the priesthood in 1978 and holds a J.C.D. from the Pon-

tifical Gregorian University. Monsignor Coleman served as vice-rector/business

manager of Immaculate Conception Seminary School of Theology from 1996 to

2000, and, in 2000, he was appointed Rector and Dean. In 2005, Monsignor

Coleman was elevated to the rank of Prelate of Honor.

Bill Toth and his Family


10 11


I first met Bill when he was a student for the m.a. in theology at Immaculate conception

Seminary School of theology, located at the time in mahwah, new Jersey. he was indus-

trious, enthusiastic, read everything recommended and showed a strong interest in social

justice, the theology of work and employer-employee relationships.

When Bill moved on to pursue a doctoral degree at union theological Seminary in new

york, he pursued his great interest in social ethics. I attended his doctoral defense at

union and learned that one of his readers was the eminent scholar and labor activist

monsignor george higgins. Bill’s research was received with approval and enthusiasm by

his dissertation board.

Bill was hired by the School of theology, as I remember, not only because of his expertise

in social ethics but also because of the strength of his christian witness. Bill was a de-

voted family man, and his wife, Kathy, provided all the encouragement and affirmation

he needed.

at the Seminary, Bill displayed enormous energy. his classes provided detailed coverage

of material in fundamental moral theology, christian social teaching and, later, in the

sacrament of christian marriage. he worked with both the Stillman School of Business

and Seton hall university School of law in initiating interdisciplinary courses.

Bill was named as a respondent for the International Symposium on the 40th anniversary

of Gaudium et Spes, sponsored by the peace and Justice commission, held in rome from

march 16-18, 2005.

Deacon Bill toth was in demand as a speaker, focusing in particular on issues in the

work environment and on justice and peace. he served as chair of the peace and Justice

commission of the archdiocese of newark. It simply amazes me how he was able to

accomplish so much. he was focused and kept abreast of the literature in his areas of

interest.

Deacon William Toth, Ph.D.: Review of a Well-Spent Academic Life

By reverend John f. russell, o.carm., S.t.D.

Deacon WIllIam toth, ph.D.: reVIeW of a Well-Spent acaDemIc lIfe

one of Bill’s wonderful contributions to scholarship was producing course syllabi which

contained exhaustive bibliographies. his familiarity with church documents related to

his field created a great resource for study, reflection and scholarly writing. Bill’s contri-

butions to committee work were always to the point and thoughtful. Since his death,

we have found it necessary to divide his work among several staff because his coverage

of course work was so vast and comprehensive; we continue to miss his wonderful and

helpful presence.

Reverend John Russell, O.Carm., is Professor of Christian Spirituality at Im-

maculate Conception Seminary School of Theology, where he also serves as

Assistant Spiritual Director. Father Russell teaches Christian Anthropology and

a variety of courses in Christian and Carmelite spirituality. He has been a Car-

melite friar since 1953, and received his doctorate in Sacred Theology from the

Catholic University of America.

Bill Toth speaking at Immaculate Conception Seminary.


10 11


I first met Bill when he was a student for the m.a. in theology at Immaculate conception

Seminary School of theology, located at the time in mahwah, new Jersey. he was indus-

trious, enthusiastic, read everything recommended and showed a strong interest in social

justice, the theology of work and employer-employee relationships.

When Bill moved on to pursue a doctoral degree at union theological Seminary in new

york, he pursued his great interest in social ethics. I attended his doctoral defense at

union and learned that one of his readers was the eminent scholar and labor activist

monsignor george higgins. Bill’s research was received with approval and enthusiasm by

his dissertation board.

Bill was hired by the School of theology, as I remember, not only because of his expertise

in social ethics but also because of the strength of his christian witness. Bill was a de-

voted family man, and his wife, Kathy, provided all the encouragement and affirmation

he needed.

at the Seminary, Bill displayed enormous energy. his classes provided detailed coverage

of material in fundamental moral theology, christian social teaching and, later, in the

sacrament of christian marriage. he worked with both the Stillman School of Business

and Seton hall university School of law in initiating interdisciplinary courses.

Bill was named as a respondent for the International Symposium on the 40th anniversary

of Gaudium et Spes, sponsored by the peace and Justice commission, held in rome from

march 16-18, 2005.

Deacon Bill toth was in demand as a speaker, focusing in particular on issues in the

work environment and on justice and peace. he served as chair of the peace and Justice

commission of the archdiocese of newark. It simply amazes me how he was able to

accomplish so much. he was focused and kept abreast of the literature in his areas of

interest.

Deacon William Toth, Ph.D.: Review of a Well-Spent Academic Life

By reverend John f. russell, o.carm., S.t.D.

Deacon WIllIam toth, ph.D.: reVIeW of a Well-Spent acaDemIc lIfe

one of Bill’s wonderful contributions to scholarship was producing course syllabi which

contained exhaustive bibliographies. his familiarity with church documents related to

his field created a great resource for study, reflection and scholarly writing. Bill’s contri-

butions to committee work were always to the point and thoughtful. Since his death,

we have found it necessary to divide his work among several staff because his coverage

of course work was so vast and comprehensive; we continue to miss his wonderful and

helpful presence.

Reverend John Russell, O.Carm., is Professor of Christian Spirituality at Im-

maculate Conception Seminary School of Theology, where he also serves as

Assistant Spiritual Director. Father Russell teaches Christian Anthropology and

a variety of courses in Christian and Carmelite spirituality. He has been a Car-

melite friar since 1953, and received his doctorate in Sacred Theology from the

Catholic University of America.

Bill Toth speaking at Immaculate Conception Seminary.


1 2 1 3


Bill and I began to pray the liturgy of the hours when he was accepted into the perma-

nent Diaconate. his thinking at the time was that since he was going to be praying it every

day, perhaps I should as well. I was happy to be included. We began very casually, without

particular ceremony or ritual. We prayed the office of the readings and morning prayer

while we drank our morning coffee. We each prayed silently to ourselves and Bill an-

swered my questions about where to place the ribbons for the daily readings. he showed

me how to make the sign of the cross on my lips at the opening (“lord, open my lips.”)

and to make the sign of the cross at the beginning of the Benedictus. We often stopped to

marvel at a beautiful line in the psalms or to discuss the second reading in the office of

the readings. he particularly liked the documents from the Second Vatican council and

frequently would explain to me the significance of the particular passage that had been

selected. at that time, we still had children in the house, so there were often interruptions

either to run someone to the train, or to answer the telephone. In a natural and relaxed

way, we continued our prayers.

one day, Bill said to me, “the liturgy of the hours really is meant to be said aloud and

in community. Why don’t we pray together, saying the psalms aloud, alternating stanzas

and readings?” We were becoming more formal as well (as our home also was becoming

quieter) so that the interruptions were fewer. We were not as nonchalant in our attitude.

We began to plan the night before when we would pray. If Bill had an early class, we de-

termined when he was going to leave and planned to get up earlier so that we had time

for our prayers.

We started adding our own intercessions at the end of the intercessions in morning prayer.

We prayed for events of the day; we prayed for each of our children by name. If there was a

line of Scripture that struck one of us, we would write it on a post-it note and put it some-

where we could re-read it during the day. hence, it was on a Saturday morning in January

2008 that both of us were struck by a line from Deuteronomy. at that time, I was writing

the invitations for my daughter’s wedding scheduled for february 23. I was fretting about

various details in the wedding plans. Bill was impatient with my fretting. Why not be

grateful for god’s blessing of this magnificent celebration? When I came home later in

the day, Bill was eager to show me the line taken, in part, from Deuteronomy chapter 16

that he had printed up on letter-sized pieces of paper and taped to the refrigerator -- plus

three or so other places where he knew I would look:

Since the lord, your god, has blessed you

In all your crops

and in all your undertakings,

you shall do naught but make merry.

When he died suddenly a week later, I understood well that this was his last instruc-

tion to me. It was consistent with his attitude in our entire marriage: god invites us to

participate in the banquet that he has prepared for us. every wedding, every birth, every

Baptism, every opportunity to participate in the creative activity of god in this world is a

participation in that banquet. Indeed, just the other day, more than a year later, I read in

the second reading which is from St. athanasius:

If we follow christ closely we shall be allowed,

even on this earth, to stand as it were on the threshold

of the heavenly Jerusalem,

and enjoy the contemplation of that everlasting feast1

In those first days and weeks after Bill died, I was very grateful for the habit we had de-

veloped of saying the liturgy of the hours each morning. In the sorrow and confusion of

those first weeks, I knew what to do when I first rose. the psalms were a source of com-

fort and direction. the morning of the first day, I read, “In the day of my trouble I shall

call upon you, for you will answer me” (ps. 86:7 naS). I continued the habit of writing

meaningful verses on post-it-notes and re-reading them during the day. “god makes a

home for the lonely” (ps. 68:6 naS). I start the day with the liturgy of the hours in the

early hours of darkness before the sun rises.

the liturgy of the hours points to the liturgy of the mass, which is the great sacrament

of the church. each day when I attend mass I meet our eucharistic Savior. as Saint edith

Stein said: “every day is received from his hand and laid back therein; that the day’s hap-

penings are deliberated with him.”2 as the day continues and the morning’s courage fades,

the lord is present in every church in the tabernacle, waiting to give rest and redirection to

the soul. the rosary can be said wherever one is. Its consolations are known to those who

suffer. When I pray the rosary, I sense that our lady is putting her armor on me.

Indeed, I have marveled in the past year at the treasure of prayer that the church offers to

those who mourn. the power in the ordinary prayer of the church is available through-

prayIng the lIturgy of the hourS together

Praying the Liturgy of the Hours Together

By Kathleen toth


1 2 1 3


Bill and I began to pray the liturgy of the hours when he was accepted into the perma-

nent Diaconate. his thinking at the time was that since he was going to be praying it every

day, perhaps I should as well. I was happy to be included. We began very casually, without

particular ceremony or ritual. We prayed the office of the readings and morning prayer

while we drank our morning coffee. We each prayed silently to ourselves and Bill an-

swered my questions about where to place the ribbons for the daily readings. he showed

me how to make the sign of the cross on my lips at the opening (“lord, open my lips.”)

and to make the sign of the cross at the beginning of the Benedictus. We often stopped to

marvel at a beautiful line in the psalms or to discuss the second reading in the office of

the readings. he particularly liked the documents from the Second Vatican council and

frequently would explain to me the significance of the particular passage that had been

selected. at that time, we still had children in the house, so there were often interruptions

either to run someone to the train, or to answer the telephone. In a natural and relaxed

way, we continued our prayers.

one day, Bill said to me, “the liturgy of the hours really is meant to be said aloud and

in community. Why don’t we pray together, saying the psalms aloud, alternating stanzas

and readings?” We were becoming more formal as well (as our home also was becoming

quieter) so that the interruptions were fewer. We were not as nonchalant in our attitude.

We began to plan the night before when we would pray. If Bill had an early class, we de-

termined when he was going to leave and planned to get up earlier so that we had time

for our prayers.

We started adding our own intercessions at the end of the intercessions in morning prayer.

We prayed for events of the day; we prayed for each of our children by name. If there was a

line of Scripture that struck one of us, we would write it on a post-it note and put it some-

where we could re-read it during the day. hence, it was on a Saturday morning in January

2008 that both of us were struck by a line from Deuteronomy. at that time, I was writing

the invitations for my daughter’s wedding scheduled for february 23. I was fretting about

various details in the wedding plans. Bill was impatient with my fretting. Why not be

grateful for god’s blessing of this magnificent celebration? When I came home later in

the day, Bill was eager to show me the line taken, in part, from Deuteronomy chapter 16

that he had printed up on letter-sized pieces of paper and taped to the refrigerator -- plus

three or so other places where he knew I would look:

Since the lord, your god, has blessed you

In all your crops

and in all your undertakings,

you shall do naught but make merry.

When he died suddenly a week later, I understood well that this was his last instruc-

tion to me. It was consistent with his attitude in our entire marriage: god invites us to

participate in the banquet that he has prepared for us. every wedding, every birth, every

Baptism, every opportunity to participate in the creative activity of god in this world is a

participation in that banquet. Indeed, just the other day, more than a year later, I read in

the second reading which is from St. athanasius:

If we follow christ closely we shall be allowed,

even on this earth, to stand as it were on the threshold

of the heavenly Jerusalem,

and enjoy the contemplation of that everlasting feast1

In those first days and weeks after Bill died, I was very grateful for the habit we had de-

veloped of saying the liturgy of the hours each morning. In the sorrow and confusion of

those first weeks, I knew what to do when I first rose. the psalms were a source of com-

fort and direction. the morning of the first day, I read, “In the day of my trouble I shall

call upon you, for you will answer me” (ps. 86:7 naS). I continued the habit of writing

meaningful verses on post-it-notes and re-reading them during the day. “god makes a

home for the lonely” (ps. 68:6 naS). I start the day with the liturgy of the hours in the

early hours of darkness before the sun rises.

the liturgy of the hours points to the liturgy of the mass, which is the great sacrament

of the church. each day when I attend mass I meet our eucharistic Savior. as Saint edith

Stein said: “every day is received from his hand and laid back therein; that the day’s hap-

penings are deliberated with him.”2 as the day continues and the morning’s courage fades,

the lord is present in every church in the tabernacle, waiting to give rest and redirection to

the soul. the rosary can be said wherever one is. Its consolations are known to those who

suffer. When I pray the rosary, I sense that our lady is putting her armor on me.

Indeed, I have marveled in the past year at the treasure of prayer that the church offers to

those who mourn. the power in the ordinary prayer of the church is available through-

prayIng the lIturgy of the hourS together

Praying the Liturgy of the Hours Together

By Kathleen toth


1 4 1 5


out the day to each one of us, providing deep sources of grace and strength. We can start

the day with the liturgy of the hours at whatever time we rise. from the moment of

rising to the hour of bedtime, the liturgy of the hours can be reached for in a moment

of need. the mass is also available at different times throughout the day in various loca-

tions nearby. the Blessed lord is waiting in churches and chapels all over the world for

visits from those souls who need face to face conversation with him in the hours of the

late afternoon, the same hours of our lord’s passion and death, or in the evening, when

darkness descends and the soul is often desolate. the lord can be visited even in the wee

hours of the night where perpetual eucharistic adoration is available. the rosary gives

to those who pray it reverently and attentively an opportunity to meditate on the life of

christ from the vantage point of their own lives. In the last year, I have said the Sorrowful

mysteries often in an attempt to attach my own suffering to those of christ.

In times of suffering, all of these ordinary, daily prayers of the church offer a great hope

that joy will return. as St. francis de Sales said:

By the means of the continued practice of prayer

the sacraments and confidence in god

our strength will return

and we will live a healthful and happy life.3

Kathleen Toth is the widow of Dr. William Toth. She has eight children, eleven

grandchildren and lives in Wyckoff, New Jersey.

noteS

1. “from an easter letter by Saint athanasius,” http://www.catholicradiodramas.com/

Saints_Works_A/Athanasius_On_the_Incarnation_of_the_Word.htm (accessed october 20,

2009).

2. edith Stein, Essays on Woman, trans. freda m. oben (Washington, D.c.: IcS

publications, 1996), 125.

3. St. francis de Sales, Introduction to the Devout Life, trans. and ed. John K. ryan

(new york: Image Books, Doubleday, 1989), 244.

Kathleen toth

“God Grant Me Serenity”

by Melissa DaSilva

St. Benedict, Newark, NJ

Benedictine Academy

my picture consists of my mother sitting and praying. I chose this picture because it shows a religious

side to her. I am grateful that god has given me something so beautiful that I treasure so much, be-

cause without her help and guidance I wouldn’t be able to accomplish the many things that I have.

god put her here to be my mother because he knew that she would do many things for me and love

me unconditionally. this is why I am proud to say: thank you, god, for this wonderful person you

have put in my life to help me through my times. I love you mom!


1 4 1 5


out the day to each one of us, providing deep sources of grace and strength. We can start

the day with the liturgy of the hours at whatever time we rise. from the moment of

rising to the hour of bedtime, the liturgy of the hours can be reached for in a moment

of need. the mass is also available at different times throughout the day in various loca-

tions nearby. the Blessed lord is waiting in churches and chapels all over the world for

visits from those souls who need face to face conversation with him in the hours of the

late afternoon, the same hours of our lord’s passion and death, or in the evening, when

darkness descends and the soul is often desolate. the lord can be visited even in the wee

hours of the night where perpetual eucharistic adoration is available. the rosary gives

to those who pray it reverently and attentively an opportunity to meditate on the life of

christ from the vantage point of their own lives. In the last year, I have said the Sorrowful

mysteries often in an attempt to attach my own suffering to those of christ.

In times of suffering, all of these ordinary, daily prayers of the church offer a great hope

that joy will return. as St. francis de Sales said:

By the means of the continued practice of prayer

the sacraments and confidence in god

our strength will return

and we will live a healthful and happy life.3

Kathleen Toth is the widow of Dr. William Toth. She has eight children, eleven

grandchildren and lives in Wyckoff, New Jersey.

noteS

1. “from an easter letter by Saint athanasius,” http://www.catholicradiodramas.com/

Saints_Works_A/Athanasius_On_the_Incarnation_of_the_Word.htm (accessed october 20,

2009).

2. edith Stein, Essays on Woman, trans. freda m. oben (Washington, D.c.: IcS

publications, 1996), 125.

3. St. francis de Sales, Introduction to the Devout Life, trans. and ed. John K. ryan

(new york: Image Books, Doubleday, 1989), 244.

Kathleen toth

“God Grant Me Serenity”

by Melissa DaSilva


Benedictine Academy

my picture consists of my mother sitting and praying. I chose this picture because it shows a religious

side to her. I am grateful that god has given me something so beautiful that I treasure so much, be-

cause without her help and guidance I wouldn’t be able to accomplish the many things that I have.

god put her here to be my mother because he knew that she would do many things for me and love

me unconditionally. this is why I am proud to say: thank you, god, for this wonderful person you

have put in my life to help me through my times. I love you mom!


1 6 1 7


Bill toth knew how to craft a perfect sentence, one that was both informative and inspir-

ing with well-chosen and well-placed words, conveying just the right tone and rhythm. my

favorite line consisted of a mere two words offered with a grin and a twinkle in his eyes:

“good stuff!” yes, Bill certainly could be more eloquent, but these words still conveyed

rich meaning. When he first learned, for example, about an idea for a new encyclopedia

devoted to catholic Social thought, he nodded and smiled in appreciation, giving his

endorsement: “good stuff!” Invariably, this was Bill’s way of promising that a project or a

conversation had just begun; there would be more to say on the matter—stay tuned!

It was little surprise, then, that in the months following his endorsement, he would write

13 articles for the encyclopedia, including such topics as refugee policy, preferential

option for the poor, theology of work, the free market economy, and the role of the laity.

Bill just seemed to know it all, yet he never was a “know-it-all.”

Bill could have written numerous books on a wide-range of subjects, but I particularly

would have liked a spin-off of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, a book he knew

almost verbatim. Bill’s book could have been titled, The Seven Habits of Highly Virtuous

People, and it could have been autobiographical, but, of course, he was far too humble for

that. his holy habits? pray, love, listen, read, share, appreciate, and introduce—all words

that paint a portrait of a learned man with a generous heart, a man of many words, as

well as a man of his word—a person to be trusted.

What Bill wrote about, he enjoyed speaking about even more. he spoke with authority,

excitement, often at top speed, as if he couldn’t wait to tell you a piece of information,

as if it were the missing piece of a grand puzzle. there always was a sense of adventure;

he didn’t want to go it alone; he wanted to share the unearthed treasure, and the fun of

finding and beholding it. In one of his last e-mails to me, after I had confessed that I

was tempted to plagiarize him, he wrote, “Steal everything from me. no problem.” on

another occasion, he offered to give me his class notes —“It’s yours—it’s for everyone.”

“good stuff ” needed to be shared.

Deacon William Toth, Ph.D.: A Eulogy

By Dianne m. traflet, J.D., S.t.D.

Deacon WIllIam toth, ph.D.: a eulogy

Bill delivered countless lectures, homilies, and presentations, enjoying searching, discov-

ering, and sharing information. But, it was not in the lecture hall that many of us will

most remember Bill, but at a table, sitting back, conversing, relishing the camaraderie

(“good stuff ”) more than even a gourmet meal. he was blessed with the gift of conver-

sation, quite unlike the “gift of gab.” It was the type that prompted us to pause later in

awe. With so many interests, talents, hobbies, and passions, Bill moved effortlessly in the

world of ideas, quoting songs, movies, books, and articles.

he moved even more effortlessly and gracefully in the world of individuals—young, el-

derly, all ages, and at different stages of the spiritual journey. Bill wanted to know their

story, and give moral support where needed. he spoke from his heart to their hearts. his

words were often offerings of compassion. I once overheard him assuring a suffering

friend, “you’re surrounded by love.” his expression and tone of voice reflected supreme

kindness, without even a hint of condescension or awkwardness, just a matter of fact,

hitting the perfect note of love.

those of us who were privileged to know Bill realized that he could speak authentically

about love because he, too, was surrounded by love—certainly a loving family and a wide

circle of friends, and also by love himself. this explains why he never tired of repeating

certain key words: god, family, prayer, and love. these were his heart’s great passions—

four words that defined his life.

Bill loved his family dearly, often speaking about his wife, Kathy, with tender admiration,

convinced that she was a precious gift from god. he also spoke about each of his eight

children with deep affection and understandable pride, pointing to individual talents,

gifts, and personalities. But, there was something unique and humble about Bill’s father-

ly pride. he was edified by each child—each one’s love, faith, and virtue. each daughter

and each son inspired him. he credited his wife and children with teaching him more

about the practice of faith. he absolutely enjoyed and cherished conversations at the

dinner table with his family. he loved to hear them all speak about their relationships,

commitments, and spiritual lives.

he listened with eager attention and a sense of joy. perhaps this is a key to his prayer

life, too; he truly knew, to the core of his being, how to converse with god, as if he were

speaking and listening to a dear friend. how he loved to pray! he and Kathy would pray

together every morning, and he continued to pray throughout the day. he often took

time during the workday to pray at the university or Seminary chapels. he prayed at the

beginning of meals and the beginning of class, always with his head reverently bowed.

approximately 10 years ago, I assisted Bill in organizing a major conference at the Semi-

nary. I remember my panic at the eleventh hour when I realized that Bill hadn’t yet writ-


1 6 1 7


Bill toth knew how to craft a perfect sentence, one that was both informative and inspir-

ing with well-chosen and well-placed words, conveying just the right tone and rhythm. my

favorite line consisted of a mere two words offered with a grin and a twinkle in his eyes:

“good stuff!” yes, Bill certainly could be more eloquent, but these words still conveyed

rich meaning. When he first learned, for example, about an idea for a new encyclopedia

devoted to catholic Social thought, he nodded and smiled in appreciation, giving his

endorsement: “good stuff!” Invariably, this was Bill’s way of promising that a project or a

conversation had just begun; there would be more to say on the matter—stay tuned!

It was little surprise, then, that in the months following his endorsement, he would write

13 articles for the encyclopedia, including such topics as refugee policy, preferential

option for the poor, theology of work, the free market economy, and the role of the laity.

Bill just seemed to know it all, yet he never was a “know-it-all.”

Bill could have written numerous books on a wide-range of subjects, but I particularly

would have liked a spin-off of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, a book he knew

almost verbatim. Bill’s book could have been titled, The Seven Habits of Highly Virtuous

People, and it could have been autobiographical, but, of course, he was far too humble for

that. his holy habits? pray, love, listen, read, share, appreciate, and introduce—all words

that paint a portrait of a learned man with a generous heart, a man of many words, as

well as a man of his word—a person to be trusted.

What Bill wrote about, he enjoyed speaking about even more. he spoke with authority,

excitement, often at top speed, as if he couldn’t wait to tell you a piece of information,

as if it were the missing piece of a grand puzzle. there always was a sense of adventure;

he didn’t want to go it alone; he wanted to share the unearthed treasure, and the fun of

finding and beholding it. In one of his last e-mails to me, after I had confessed that I

was tempted to plagiarize him, he wrote, “Steal everything from me. no problem.” on

another occasion, he offered to give me his class notes —“It’s yours—it’s for everyone.”

“good stuff ” needed to be shared.

Deacon William Toth, Ph.D.: A Eulogy


Deacon WIllIam toth, ph.D.: a eulogy

Bill delivered countless lectures, homilies, and presentations, enjoying searching, discov-

ering, and sharing information. But, it was not in the lecture hall that many of us will

most remember Bill, but at a table, sitting back, conversing, relishing the camaraderie

(“good stuff ”) more than even a gourmet meal. he was blessed with the gift of conver-

sation, quite unlike the “gift of gab.” It was the type that prompted us to pause later in

awe. With so many interests, talents, hobbies, and passions, Bill moved effortlessly in the

world of ideas, quoting songs, movies, books, and articles.

he moved even more effortlessly and gracefully in the world of individuals—young, el-

derly, all ages, and at different stages of the spiritual journey. Bill wanted to know their

story, and give moral support where needed. he spoke from his heart to their hearts. his

words were often offerings of compassion. I once overheard him assuring a suffering

friend, “you’re surrounded by love.” his expression and tone of voice reflected supreme

kindness, without even a hint of condescension or awkwardness, just a matter of fact,

hitting the perfect note of love.

those of us who were privileged to know Bill realized that he could speak authentically

about love because he, too, was surrounded by love—certainly a loving family and a wide

circle of friends, and also by love himself. this explains why he never tired of repeating

certain key words: god, family, prayer, and love. these were his heart’s great passions—

four words that defined his life.

Bill loved his family dearly, often speaking about his wife, Kathy, with tender admiration,

convinced that she was a precious gift from god. he also spoke about each of his eight

children with deep affection and understandable pride, pointing to individual talents,

gifts, and personalities. But, there was something unique and humble about Bill’s father-

ly pride. he was edified by each child—each one’s love, faith, and virtue. each daughter

and each son inspired him. he credited his wife and children with teaching him more

about the practice of faith. he absolutely enjoyed and cherished conversations at the

dinner table with his family. he loved to hear them all speak about their relationships,

commitments, and spiritual lives.

he listened with eager attention and a sense of joy. perhaps this is a key to his prayer

life, too; he truly knew, to the core of his being, how to converse with god, as if he were

speaking and listening to a dear friend. how he loved to pray! he and Kathy would pray

together every morning, and he continued to pray throughout the day. he often took

time during the workday to pray at the university or Seminary chapels. he prayed at the

beginning of meals and the beginning of class, always with his head reverently bowed.

approximately 10 years ago, I assisted Bill in organizing a major conference at the Semi-

nary. I remember my panic at the eleventh hour when I realized that Bill hadn’t yet writ-


1 8 1 9


ten his opening speech. I directed him to his office to type; yet, he walked to the chapel

to pray. I must have looked quite aghast, for he turned to me and assured me that he

knew what he was doing. I should have known. I’ll never forget watching Bill, a little

while later, walking down the steps from the Seminary chapel; he looked almost radiant.

“I’ve got my speech,” he said, grinning confidently. he calmly walked to his office, typed

his talk, a beautiful introduction to a wonderful conference.

Bill always loved introductions. he thoroughly enjoyed introducing us to good topics,

good books, and even more so, good people: “have you met…?” “I’d like you to meet….”

“this is….” he just relished helping people make connections. ultimately, Bill did more

than introduce us; he gave us opportunities to be friends.

mostly, he desired to introduce us to god. he wanted to help us to become intimate

friends with god, and as he did so, we sensed he was introducing us to his Divine friend.

he wanted, with every fiber of his being, to share that friendship with us, and to help us

meet him on every road we travel.

a year before he died, Bill drove a group of colleagues to a Seminary function in another

part of the state. the car ride was lengthy, but not boring, with conversations (sometimes

simultaneous) spanning various topics and interrupted with laughter. I sat all the way in

the back of his van, and now and then, would ask teasingly: “are we there yet?” I really

didn’t want an answer and certainly not a positive one. I wanted the journey to con-

tinue. that’s the way it was with conversations with Bill; they were always adventures that

seemed to have more introductions than conclusions.

that’s what makes a final good-bye all the more difficult. But, pondering his example,

life, and legacy, we’ve been given some great directions on how to keep the conversation

going, and how to find our way to our eternal home. What a gift from someone who

cared deeply about our journey and our destination. more than a map, more than words,

we have been given an image of an inspiring life brimming with “good stuff ” that will

continue to be shared, discussed, and stolen— compliments of a friend.

Dr. Dianne Traflet is Associate Dean, Assistant Professor of Pastoral Theology

and the founder and Co-director of the Institute for Christian Spirituality at

Immaculate Conception Seminary School of Theology. In collaboration with,

and under the guidance of Dr. Toth, she created the Catholic Center for Family

Spirituality.

reprinted with permission by The Catholic Social Science Review: Vol 13 (2008): 347-349.

“God’s Love from Age to Age”

by Christine Miller

Our Lady of the Mount, Warren, NJ

Koinonia Academy

my name is christine miller and I am in a family of 11 children. my parents have raised me as a

catholic, but two people who have had a major impact on my catholic faith are my grandparents,

frank and rose helfrich. they are two very holy people whom I admire and look up to as role mod-

els. my grandparents are always there for me and show the love of god to me by encouraging me in

all that I do and helping me to deepen my relationship with god. they have been married for 56

years and are a great example of a strong, holy marriage. they show the love of god not only to me

and my family, but also to all those they come in contact with.

this picture of my grandparents with my 17-year-old brother, Joe, was taken at his high school

graduation dinner last week from the catholic school my family attends, Koinonia academy. this

picture is just one of the many examples where my grandparents have shown god’s love to my fam-

ily by supporting us. although they have seven children, (one of whom is a catholic priest) and 35

grandchildren, they show each person in my family unique love, which only comes from god. my

grandparents show god’s love to me by helping me to work as hard as I can to be the person god

wants me to be.

DIanne m. traflet


1 8 1 9


ten his opening speech. I directed him to his office to type; yet, he walked to the chapel

to pray. I must have looked quite aghast, for he turned to me and assured me that he

knew what he was doing. I should have known. I’ll never forget watching Bill, a little

while later, walking down the steps from the Seminary chapel; he looked almost radiant.

“I’ve got my speech,” he said, grinning confidently. he calmly walked to his office, typed

his talk, a beautiful introduction to a wonderful conference.

Bill always loved introductions. he thoroughly enjoyed introducing us to good topics,

good books, and even more so, good people: “have you met…?” “I’d like you to meet….”

“this is….” he just relished helping people make connections. ultimately, Bill did more

than introduce us; he gave us opportunities to be friends.

mostly, he desired to introduce us to god. he wanted to help us to become intimate

friends with god, and as he did so, we sensed he was introducing us to his Divine friend.

he wanted, with every fiber of his being, to share that friendship with us, and to help us

meet him on every road we travel.

a year before he died, Bill drove a group of colleagues to a Seminary function in another

part of the state. the car ride was lengthy, but not boring, with conversations (sometimes

simultaneous) spanning various topics and interrupted with laughter. I sat all the way in

the back of his van, and now and then, would ask teasingly: “are we there yet?” I really

didn’t want an answer and certainly not a positive one. I wanted the journey to con-

tinue. that’s the way it was with conversations with Bill; they were always adventures that

seemed to have more introductions than conclusions.

that’s what makes a final good-bye all the more difficult. But, pondering his example,

life, and legacy, we’ve been given some great directions on how to keep the conversation

going, and how to find our way to our eternal home. What a gift from someone who

cared deeply about our journey and our destination. more than a map, more than words,

we have been given an image of an inspiring life brimming with “good stuff ” that will

continue to be shared, discussed, and stolen— compliments of a friend.

Dr. Dianne Traflet is Associate Dean, Assistant Professor of Pastoral Theology

and the founder and Co-director of the Institute for Christian Spirituality at

Immaculate Conception Seminary School of Theology. In collaboration with,

and under the guidance of Dr. Toth, she created the Catholic Center for Family

Spirituality.

reprinted with permission by The Catholic Social Science Review: Vol 13 (2008): 347-349.

“God’s Love from Age to Age”

by Christine Miller

Our Lady of the Mount, Warren, NJ

Koinonia Academy

my name is christine miller and I am in a family of 11 children. my parents have raised me as a

catholic, but two people who have had a major impact on my catholic faith are my grandparents,

frank and rose helfrich. they are two very holy people whom I admire and look up to as role mod-

els. my grandparents are always there for me and show the love of god to me by encouraging me in

all that I do and helping me to deepen my relationship with god. they have been married for 56

years and are a great example of a strong, holy marriage. they show the love of god not only to me

and my family, but also to all those they come in contact with.

this picture of my grandparents with my 17-year-old brother, Joe, was taken at his high school

graduation dinner last week from the catholic school my family attends, Koinonia academy. this

picture is just one of the many examples where my grandparents have shown god’s love to my fam-

ily by supporting us. although they have seven children, (one of whom is a catholic priest) and 35

grandchildren, they show each person in my family unique love, which only comes from god. my

grandparents show god’s love to me by helping me to work as hard as I can to be the person god

wants me to be.

DIanne m. traflet


2 0 21


“God’s Presence on the Ice”

by Stefan Misko

St. Jude, Blairstown, NJ

Kolbe Academy Home School

many people have heard the proverb: “the family that prays together stays together.” But what is also

true is “the family that plays together stays together” and “stays together with god.” for it is god

who desires the family to remain whole and tries to keep it so.

to younger siblings, memories of their older brothers and sisters sacrificing their time and some-

times much more than that, in order to do something special for them, are memories that they will

always treasure. But this self-sacrificing love within a family does not only hold together the family

but also brings them closer to god. for how could god not be present where charity and sacrifice

towards one another are found? that is why I believe that when my family is together, whether it be

while hiking, playing board games, or, as in my picture, skating on the ice, god can be seen among

us….

It is through such shared experiences as these that the bonds of love are strengthened among us, and

god’s fatherly love is made evident in our lives.

for many american catholics today, there seems to be something of a disconnect be-

tween the life of the priest and the life of their own family. In my own experience, this

seems to be the case not only among catholics who are not fully participating in the

church but even among many regulars at mass. too often, we hurry to mass, interact-

ing with our priest only through our responses in the mass itself, concluding with the

exchange, “Go in peace / Thanks be to God.” Soon, we find ourselves filing out as quickly as

we entered, and are on our way. on the way in and out of mass, we may greet our priest

with a “good morning, father,” “great homily,” or another such nicety. too often, our

verbal interactions are brief affairs — and any further thoughts about our priest are more

or less nonexistent. In short, it can feel at times as though we and our priests simply

inhabit different worlds: worlds that briefly coincide and then move again in opposite

directions, back to the parish rectory and to the family living room.

to be sure, many of us are cognizant of the many blessings of our priests with respect to

our own families: they preside at mass and offer Jesus on the altar; they hear confessions,

baptize our children and run our neighborhood parish or catholic school; they are avail-

able on a moment’s notice when a crisis happens; and they witness our weddings and

offer final blessings on our souls. yet, if we’re honest, many of us will not set aside any

thought of our own parish priest (or priests in general) until the next Sunday, and then,

it is only a passing thought.

this brief essay is an opportunity to re-examine our relationship with our priests. Specifi-

cally, two questions are raised at the outset: first, how are we to understand our relationship

to our priests? and second, how might we appreciate the human and spiritual connections that

do exist between the family and the priest?

Understanding Our Relationship to Our Prieststo answer the first question, we will turn primarily to some of the documents from Vati-

can II that provide theological clarity and keen human insight on the matter. at Vatican

II, the council reminded us that “christ is the light of the nations”1 and taught us that

“Building Bridges”Reflections from Vatican II on the Catholic Priest and his Relationship to the Family

By Steven c. Smith, ph.D.


2 0 21


“God’s Presence on the Ice”

by Stefan Misko

St. Jude, Blairstown, NJ

Kolbe Academy Home School

many people have heard the proverb: “the family that prays together stays together.” But what is also

true is “the family that plays together stays together” and “stays together with god.” for it is god

who desires the family to remain whole and tries to keep it so.

to younger siblings, memories of their older brothers and sisters sacrificing their time and some-

times much more than that, in order to do something special for them, are memories that they will

always treasure. But this self-sacrificing love within a family does not only hold together the family

but also brings them closer to god. for how could god not be present where charity and sacrifice

towards one another are found? that is why I believe that when my family is together, whether it be

while hiking, playing board games, or, as in my picture, skating on the ice, god can be seen among

us….

It is through such shared experiences as these that the bonds of love are strengthened among us, and

god’s fatherly love is made evident in our lives.

for many american catholics today, there seems to be something of a disconnect be-

tween the life of the priest and the life of their own family. In my own experience, this

seems to be the case not only among catholics who are not fully participating in the

church but even among many regulars at mass. too often, we hurry to mass, interact-

ing with our priest only through our responses in the mass itself, concluding with the

exchange, “Go in peace / Thanks be to God.” Soon, we find ourselves filing out as quickly as

we entered, and are on our way. on the way in and out of mass, we may greet our priest

with a “good morning, father,” “great homily,” or another such nicety. too often, our

verbal interactions are brief affairs — and any further thoughts about our priest are more

or less nonexistent. In short, it can feel at times as though we and our priests simply

inhabit different worlds: worlds that briefly coincide and then move again in opposite

directions, back to the parish rectory and to the family living room.

to be sure, many of us are cognizant of the many blessings of our priests with respect to

our own families: they preside at mass and offer Jesus on the altar; they hear confessions,

baptize our children and run our neighborhood parish or catholic school; they are avail-

able on a moment’s notice when a crisis happens; and they witness our weddings and

offer final blessings on our souls. yet, if we’re honest, many of us will not set aside any

thought of our own parish priest (or priests in general) until the next Sunday, and then,

it is only a passing thought.

this brief essay is an opportunity to re-examine our relationship with our priests. Specifi-

cally, two questions are raised at the outset: first, how are we to understand our relationship

to our priests? and second, how might we appreciate the human and spiritual connections that

do exist between the family and the priest?

Understanding Our Relationship to Our Prieststo answer the first question, we will turn primarily to some of the documents from Vati-

can II that provide theological clarity and keen human insight on the matter. at Vatican

II, the council reminded us that “christ is the light of the nations”1 and taught us that

“Building Bridges”Reflections from Vatican II on the Catholic Priest and his Relationship to the Family

By Steven c. Smith, ph.D.


2 2 2 3


since the church is “like a sacrament”2 before the entire human race, there exists a “very

closely knit union” between god and the church on the one hand and the church and

the world on the other.3

this means, among other things, that the church plays a decisive mediating role be-

tween god and the world. We could say that the universal church is, according to

Vatican II, a “bridge” between god and humanity, between christ and the world –

proclaiming his truth and bringing his mercy to a world with so many needs. the

church is indeed that sign of love between god and the world, as are all of her mem-

bers. certainly, the pope and the bishops, as successors to the apostles themselves, are

crucial pillars in this bridge. In a different sense, as Vatican II rightly emphasized, all

of us as baptized believers, as “the people of god,” are part of this bridge as well: this

bridge between god and man is a living work that we all partake in, fully and actively.4

another document from Vatican II, Presbyterorum Ordinis (“on the mission and life of

priests”), reminds us that “there is no member who does not have a part in the mission

of the whole Body; but each one ought to hallow Jesus in his heart, and in the spirit

of prophecy bear witness to Jesus.”5 this means that we are all part of christ’s mystical

body.6 though we have a distinct role from that of our bishops, all of us as members

of the church join with them in this “supernatural bridge building.” We all have been

given important gifts from god, and we are called to share them with the world as best

as we are able.

this is true whether we serve in some sort of official and more visible role (e.g., as a

deacon or extraordinary minister at mass) or in countless ways that often are less visible,

such as in the clean-up work of a busy parent, the patience of a catholic school teacher

or the attentive presence to a friend in need.

While we rightly esteem and fully support the apostolic work of our bishops and remind

ourselves that each of us plays a role as a support brace in this “supernatural bridge,”

we must never forget the seminal role of our priests. at mass, and out in the everyday

places in the world, catholic priests are the most visible pillars in this bridge, solemnly

entrusted by the bishops to multiply god’s work in the world, proclaiming and teaching

the gospel, administering the Sacraments and shepherding the flock.

Since the priest ministers in a special way to catholic families, the priest and the fam-

ily share a special and intimate bond. think for a moment of two parents preparing to

baptize their newborn daughter. they joyfully wrap her in fresh white clothes and bring

her to the priest. the priest brings the grace of the sacrament to her, in persona Christi. the

holy Spirit operates in and through the priest, and the daughter of the parents is blessed

with divine life as the priest welcomes her lovingly into the church. later, as the child

grows, perhaps another priest will hear her first confession, and another will offer her

“BuIlDIng BrIDgeS” SteVen c. SmIth

the Body and Blood of the lord himself at her first communion. If she marries, perhaps

another will serve as the official witness at her wedding. yet another priest will bring the

sacraments to her children, hear her confessions and share in her highs and lows of life,

as she raises her family. eventually, many years later, perhaps another priest will anoint

her head with oil during the final days of a terminal illness, and yet another priest may

preside at the mass before her christian burial. later that same day, the same priest who

saw this daughter of the church pass into the loving hands of the father may get a phone

call from a young married couple asking if he would baptize their baby boy – and the

beautiful cycle continues.

throughout our lives, our priests create a bridge between us, our families and god him-

self. this is particularly visible in their sacramental work, but in all of their actions, our

priests are the hands and feet of christ, offering his love, his forgiveness and his pres-

ence to our families. let us never take for granted the special role god has for our priests

in laying down their lives as bridges between the lord and our families.

Building this bridge between god and our families on behalf of christ is an awesome

responsibility and one that no priest takes lightly. Indeed, the cycle of family life that the

priest participates in — from cradle to grave — is extraordinary in itself. yet, if we reflect

on this dynamic between our priests and our families for a moment longer, we may make

several deeper connections as well and grasp some additional ways that they serve as

bridges between god and the world.

first, our priests unite us as members of one family, and not merely as moms and dads or

as sons and daughters, but as “brothers and sisters” in his family. through our baptism,

we are united with christ7 and with all who seek him and belong to him: those whom

we know (like our own family members) as well as those whom we do not yet know but

with whom we are indeed members of one family, in the communion of saints.8 this is

especially true when we partake of the eucharist: we are “one bread, one body”9 – the

Body of christ. may we better appreciate the special instrument, our priest, among us as

we renew our family bonds in the holy eucharist.10 our priests join us together as one

body, and connected with the bishops, “share the authority by which christ builds up

and sanctifies his body.”11

Second, that young baptized girl, welcomed into the church by the priest (or deacon) is

herself an instrument of grace and a “pillar” in the bridge between god and the world.

as she grows in faith in the lord and throughout the various stages of life, she not only

is ministered to, but through her ongoing conversion, she brings the light of christ to

others: into her living room, her workplace and all of her relationships. Behind the many

bridges that she will build through her own actions, stand the many priests who have

ministered to her, strengthening her for this work.


2 2 2 3


since the church is “like a sacrament”2 before the entire human race, there exists a “very

closely knit union” between god and the church on the one hand and the church and

the world on the other.3

this means, among other things, that the church plays a decisive mediating role be-

tween god and the world. We could say that the universal church is, according to

Vatican II, a “bridge” between god and humanity, between christ and the world –

proclaiming his truth and bringing his mercy to a world with so many needs. the

church is indeed that sign of love between god and the world, as are all of her mem-

bers. certainly, the pope and the bishops, as successors to the apostles themselves, are

crucial pillars in this bridge. In a different sense, as Vatican II rightly emphasized, all

of us as baptized believers, as “the people of god,” are part of this bridge as well: this

bridge between god and man is a living work that we all partake in, fully and actively.4

another document from Vatican II, Presbyterorum Ordinis (“on the mission and life of

priests”), reminds us that “there is no member who does not have a part in the mission

of the whole Body; but each one ought to hallow Jesus in his heart, and in the spirit

of prophecy bear witness to Jesus.”5 this means that we are all part of christ’s mystical

body.6 though we have a distinct role from that of our bishops, all of us as members

of the church join with them in this “supernatural bridge building.” We all have been

given important gifts from god, and we are called to share them with the world as best

as we are able.

this is true whether we serve in some sort of official and more visible role (e.g., as a

deacon or extraordinary minister at mass) or in countless ways that often are less visible,

such as in the clean-up work of a busy parent, the patience of a catholic school teacher

or the attentive presence to a friend in need.

While we rightly esteem and fully support the apostolic work of our bishops and remind

ourselves that each of us plays a role as a support brace in this “supernatural bridge,”

we must never forget the seminal role of our priests. at mass, and out in the everyday

places in the world, catholic priests are the most visible pillars in this bridge, solemnly

entrusted by the bishops to multiply god’s work in the world, proclaiming and teaching

the gospel, administering the Sacraments and shepherding the flock.

Since the priest ministers in a special way to catholic families, the priest and the fam-

ily share a special and intimate bond. think for a moment of two parents preparing to

baptize their newborn daughter. they joyfully wrap her in fresh white clothes and bring

her to the priest. the priest brings the grace of the sacrament to her, in persona Christi. the

holy Spirit operates in and through the priest, and the daughter of the parents is blessed

with divine life as the priest welcomes her lovingly into the church. later, as the child

grows, perhaps another priest will hear her first confession, and another will offer her


the Body and Blood of the lord himself at her first communion. If she marries, perhaps

another will serve as the official witness at her wedding. yet another priest will bring the

sacraments to her children, hear her confessions and share in her highs and lows of life,

as she raises her family. eventually, many years later, perhaps another priest will anoint

her head with oil during the final days of a terminal illness, and yet another priest may

preside at the mass before her christian burial. later that same day, the same priest who

saw this daughter of the church pass into the loving hands of the father may get a phone

call from a young married couple asking if he would baptize their baby boy – and the

beautiful cycle continues.

throughout our lives, our priests create a bridge between us, our families and god him-

self. this is particularly visible in their sacramental work, but in all of their actions, our

priests are the hands and feet of christ, offering his love, his forgiveness and his pres-

ence to our families. let us never take for granted the special role god has for our priests

in laying down their lives as bridges between the lord and our families.

Building this bridge between god and our families on behalf of christ is an awesome

responsibility and one that no priest takes lightly. Indeed, the cycle of family life that the

priest participates in — from cradle to grave — is extraordinary in itself. yet, if we reflect

on this dynamic between our priests and our families for a moment longer, we may make

several deeper connections as well and grasp some additional ways that they serve as

bridges between god and the world.

first, our priests unite us as members of one family, and not merely as moms and dads or

as sons and daughters, but as “brothers and sisters” in his family. through our baptism,

we are united with christ7 and with all who seek him and belong to him: those whom

we know (like our own family members) as well as those whom we do not yet know but

with whom we are indeed members of one family, in the communion of saints.8 this is

especially true when we partake of the eucharist: we are “one bread, one body”9 – the

Body of christ. may we better appreciate the special instrument, our priest, among us as

we renew our family bonds in the holy eucharist.10 our priests join us together as one

body, and connected with the bishops, “share the authority by which christ builds up

and sanctifies his body.”11

Second, that young baptized girl, welcomed into the church by the priest (or deacon) is

herself an instrument of grace and a “pillar” in the bridge between god and the world.

as she grows in faith in the lord and throughout the various stages of life, she not only

is ministered to, but through her ongoing conversion, she brings the light of christ to

others: into her living room, her workplace and all of her relationships. Behind the many

bridges that she will build through her own actions, stand the many priests who have

ministered to her, strengthening her for this work.


2 4 2 5



How Might We Better Appreciate the Human and Spiritual Connections that Exist Between the Family and the Priest? certainly, there are a number of possible answers. We can try to “hurry less” in and out of

mass and even make time to get to know our priests better. perhaps we can invite them

to a family gathering, or more simply, treat them to lunch and spend time in conversa-

tion with them. We can show our gratitude in many other ways: in our respect at mass,

through small acts of kindness and by remembering them frequently in our prayers.

In the remainder of this essay, one more connection is raised between our priests and

our families. at first, it may seem to some like an unlikely connection and a peculiar

suggestion. however, after careful reflection, we may come to see it as the most profound

connection between our priests and our marriages and families.

What exactly is this all-important connection? Priestly celibacy. today, priestly celibacy

often is sadly misunderstood and even scorned.12 after the abuse scandals, some critics

and angry individuals proposed that priestly celibacy be “done away with,” as if it were

some sort of abnormality or “suppression” of sexuality. We can empathize with the pain

of those who were violated and certainly understand the anger. yet priestly celibacy is not

the problem; in fact, it is part of the solution. priestly celibacy is a precious and timeless

gift to the church, a “brilliant jewel,”13 that has “retained its value undiminished even

in our time when the outlook of men and the state of the world have undergone such

profound changes.”14 our priests minister to us out of the gift of celibacy. of all of the

promises a priest makes at ordination (e.g., obedience to the bishop and the church,

simplicity of life), this is the one that most distinguishes them from the laity. But at the

same time, it is what unites us and our families with them most profoundly.

priestly celibacy is a great gift to the church! as Vatican II reminded us, “the whole

priestly mission is dedicated to the service of a new humanity which christ, the victor

over death, has aroused through his Spirit in the world and which has its origin not of

blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man but of god.”15 priesthood is not

something “created by the church,” but it is ordained by christ himself,16 is a gift to the

church from the holy Spirit and is from the will of god himself. the gift of celibacy is

not for their sake but for the sake of the union between christ and his church.

Some specific points of connection now are offered with respect to our celibate priests

and our families. In order to deepen our understanding of this great gift and better ap-

preciate the purpose of priestly celibacy in the life of the priest and in the life of our own

families, we turn again to Vatican II, as well as to the thoughts of John paul II.

1) Priestly Celibacy: A Great Gift of Service. first, as Vatican II taught us, celibacy al-

lows our priests to “adhere to [god] more easily with an undivided heart.”17 all of us are

called to surrender our whole self to god. yet, as a pillar in the bridge between christ

and his church, this “complete surrender” of the priest to christ is designed by god to

strengthen and purify his commitment to god. this single-mindedness of our priests not

only allows them to serve god more readily but also exemplifies for us that we can go

“further up and further in” in our own relationships with god. may we thank god for the

ongoing work of surrender in the lives of celibate priests and for the immense gift to the

church: for the presence of the church across the world, but also as it plays out locally,

in our own parishes and with our families.

thus, Vatican II is reminding us that priestly celibacy allows our priests to “dedicate

themselves more freely in him and through him to the service of god and men” and to

“more expeditiously minister to his Kingdom and the work of heavenly regeneration.”18

as a professor of Sacred Scripture at mount St. mary’s Seminary, I have the privilege of

training future priests as they prepare to serve the world. I am amazed at the busy life of

a seminarian: up at dawn to pray the liturgy of the hours, then to daily mass, then off to

a battery of intense classes. there is hard work, intellectually speaking, yet there are many

other demands in the daily life of seminarians beyond that of study. Seminarians, like all

of us, are called to grow in holiness. as future priests, however, they are to hold up their

lives before god with greater accountability, seeking to grow not only in their “spiritual

lives” but as integrated human persons. this involves painstaking work, spiritual direc-

tion and ongoing interaction with a formation team. In addition to this intense pruning,

there are many hours of pastoral service and sacrifice — and all of this while they are still

seminarians. these demands upon seminarians only multiply once they are ordained

as priests and become immersed in the daily routine at their busy parishes. this gift of

celibacy allows our priests to serve the Bride they are espoused to through christ, namely

us, the members of his church.

2) Priestly Celibacy: A Sign of Life to Come. priestly celibacy offers an all-important gift

to the church and to our families: it reminds us of what we hope for as christians. as

Vatican II reminded us so eloquently, celibate priests offer us “a living sign of the world to

come, by a faith and charity already made present, in which the children of the resurrec-

tion neither marry nor take wives.”19 how is this so? Simply put, celibacy is not a “sup-

pression of sexuality”; rather, it is a total gift of the whole person — heart, soul, mind and yes,

sexuality, over to God. In the promise of celibacy, the priest professes his total surrender to

god and his will. christ is the great Bridegroom who loves his Bride, the church, and

gives his whole self up for her20 so that he might present her to himself “in splendor,

without spot or wrinkle”21 so that she is “holy and blameless.”22 Just as christ is espoused

to the Bride and gives his whole self for her, so also the priest, in his vow of celibacy, im-

ages christ as Bridegroom, surrendering his whole self for the sake of his love, the Bride.

the celibate priest does not “withhold” his sexuality; he gives it over fully to the purposes

of god — offering it in all of its goodness for an even greater goodness: that the church


2 4 2 5



How Might We Better Appreciate the Human and Spiritual Connections that Exist Between the Family and the Priest? certainly, there are a number of possible answers. We can try to “hurry less” in and out of

mass and even make time to get to know our priests better. perhaps we can invite them

to a family gathering, or more simply, treat them to lunch and spend time in conversa-

tion with them. We can show our gratitude in many other ways: in our respect at mass,

through small acts of kindness and by remembering them frequently in our prayers.

In the remainder of this essay, one more connection is raised between our priests and

our families. at first, it may seem to some like an unlikely connection and a peculiar

suggestion. however, after careful reflection, we may come to see it as the most profound

connection between our priests and our marriages and families.

What exactly is this all-important connection? Priestly celibacy. today, priestly celibacy

often is sadly misunderstood and even scorned.12 after the abuse scandals, some critics

and angry individuals proposed that priestly celibacy be “done away with,” as if it were

some sort of abnormality or “suppression” of sexuality. We can empathize with the pain

of those who were violated and certainly understand the anger. yet priestly celibacy is not

the problem; in fact, it is part of the solution. priestly celibacy is a precious and timeless

gift to the church, a “brilliant jewel,”13 that has “retained its value undiminished even

in our time when the outlook of men and the state of the world have undergone such

profound changes.”14 our priests minister to us out of the gift of celibacy. of all of the

promises a priest makes at ordination (e.g., obedience to the bishop and the church,

simplicity of life), this is the one that most distinguishes them from the laity. But at the

same time, it is what unites us and our families with them most profoundly.

priestly celibacy is a great gift to the church! as Vatican II reminded us, “the whole

priestly mission is dedicated to the service of a new humanity which christ, the victor

over death, has aroused through his Spirit in the world and which has its origin not of

blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man but of god.”15 priesthood is not

something “created by the church,” but it is ordained by christ himself,16 is a gift to the

church from the holy Spirit and is from the will of god himself. the gift of celibacy is

not for their sake but for the sake of the union between christ and his church.

Some specific points of connection now are offered with respect to our celibate priests

and our families. In order to deepen our understanding of this great gift and better ap-

preciate the purpose of priestly celibacy in the life of the priest and in the life of our own

families, we turn again to Vatican II, as well as to the thoughts of John paul II.

1) Priestly Celibacy: A Great Gift of Service. first, as Vatican II taught us, celibacy al-

lows our priests to “adhere to [god] more easily with an undivided heart.”17 all of us are

called to surrender our whole self to god. yet, as a pillar in the bridge between christ

and his church, this “complete surrender” of the priest to christ is designed by god to

strengthen and purify his commitment to god. this single-mindedness of our priests not

only allows them to serve god more readily but also exemplifies for us that we can go

“further up and further in” in our own relationships with god. may we thank god for the

ongoing work of surrender in the lives of celibate priests and for the immense gift to the

church: for the presence of the church across the world, but also as it plays out locally,

in our own parishes and with our families.

thus, Vatican II is reminding us that priestly celibacy allows our priests to “dedicate

themselves more freely in him and through him to the service of god and men” and to

“more expeditiously minister to his Kingdom and the work of heavenly regeneration.”18

as a professor of Sacred Scripture at mount St. mary’s Seminary, I have the privilege of

training future priests as they prepare to serve the world. I am amazed at the busy life of

a seminarian: up at dawn to pray the liturgy of the hours, then to daily mass, then off to

a battery of intense classes. there is hard work, intellectually speaking, yet there are many

other demands in the daily life of seminarians beyond that of study. Seminarians, like all

of us, are called to grow in holiness. as future priests, however, they are to hold up their

lives before god with greater accountability, seeking to grow not only in their “spiritual

lives” but as integrated human persons. this involves painstaking work, spiritual direc-

tion and ongoing interaction with a formation team. In addition to this intense pruning,

there are many hours of pastoral service and sacrifice — and all of this while they are still

seminarians. these demands upon seminarians only multiply once they are ordained

as priests and become immersed in the daily routine at their busy parishes. this gift of

celibacy allows our priests to serve the Bride they are espoused to through christ, namely

us, the members of his church.

2) Priestly Celibacy: A Sign of Life to Come. priestly celibacy offers an all-important gift

to the church and to our families: it reminds us of what we hope for as christians. as

Vatican II reminded us so eloquently, celibate priests offer us “a living sign of the world to

come, by a faith and charity already made present, in which the children of the resurrec-

tion neither marry nor take wives.”19 how is this so? Simply put, celibacy is not a “sup-

pression of sexuality”; rather, it is a total gift of the whole person — heart, soul, mind and yes,

sexuality, over to God. In the promise of celibacy, the priest professes his total surrender to

god and his will. christ is the great Bridegroom who loves his Bride, the church, and

gives his whole self up for her20 so that he might present her to himself “in splendor,

without spot or wrinkle”21 so that she is “holy and blameless.”22 Just as christ is espoused

to the Bride and gives his whole self for her, so also the priest, in his vow of celibacy, im-

ages christ as Bridegroom, surrendering his whole self for the sake of his love, the Bride.

the celibate priest does not “withhold” his sexuality; he gives it over fully to the purposes

of god — offering it in all of its goodness for an even greater goodness: that the church


2 6 2 7



would be present before the true Bridegroom, Jesus, in all of her splendor. and how does

this Bride become this? through renunciation, conversion and seeking god. the priest

forsakes physical marriage – which is good and marvelous in its own right – for this

greater good, namely, the spiritual marriage of the Bride and the Bridegroom. the path

to “splendor” is hard and requires constant effort, trust and cooperation with the holy

Spirit. It is a daily struggle in which all of us are engaged. the priest surrenders himself

fully to god, so that through the priest, the true Bridegroom lovingly guides his Bride

closer and closer to him. this is the mystery of celibacy: as the priest opens himself up

fully to the love of god, the Bride whom he serves with loving devotion is able to open

herself more fully to the love of god, to come closer and closer to the promise he has

given us: to be made present before the lord, holy and blameless.

to be sure, our vocation as married persons is also a sign that points to heaven. god the

father loves the Son and gives his whole self to him; the Son returns that love completely

to the father, and the fruit of that union is the gift of the holy Spirit to the church. as hus-

bands and wives, we are called to “love as god loves,”23 – freely, fully and unconditionally

– giving our whole self to the other. this “gift of self to the other” is the sign of god’s own

self-giving love in the life of the trinity. as John paul II wrote, this “freedom of the gift” of

ourselves to each other in marriage is what reveals our true meaning, our true dignity.24

yet the celibate priest is a special kind of living sign to all of us. our priests make present

the life of the resurrection through their celibate bond with the church. they remind us

that marriage, as beautiful and holy as it is, is not itself the end. In their spousal union

to the church, they are an imminent sign of god’s presence as we await the true Bride-

groom. marriage, though it is a great gift from god – and is itself a powerful sign of the

love of god in this world – is not the end. as the apostle paul wrote, the goal of life is

truly that “God may be all in all” (1 cor. 15:28 naB). this is an experience and a hope

beyond any words. and our celibate priests in the here and now are the living signs of what

we hope for and anticipate: life with god. their celibacy meets us, even confronts us, in

the distractions and busyness of everyday life and shouts out joyfully to us, “there is more

to this life… there is heaven!”

our priests are “father” but not only so; they are also “Spouse” – wedded to christ’s

church, for his glory. as such, our priests are witnesses to our families of this blessed

hope – of the reunion of the Bride and the Bridegroom through the redemption won

for us by christ on the cross. this reality points us and our families towards heavenly

hope that awaits us. and precisely because of this, as St. cyprian wrote, our priests are a

“subject of joy” in the here and now.

thus far, we have reflected on two important truths given to us by Vatican II: specifically,

that priestly celibacy is a great gift of service to the church and that it is a powerful sign

of our christian hope. now we turn to one final point of connection between the celibate

priest and our families.

3) Priestly Celibacy: A Tremendous Example. as we have just seen, the priest reflects the

love of christ for his Bride. In essence, he becomes the bridegroom for the sake of the Bride;

the priest is wedded to the church. this action on the part of the priest, of giving over his

whole self for the church, is not only a “future hope,” it simultaneously represents a pow-

erful example for families in general and, more particularly, married couples. marriage

requires a total gift of self to the other: love is not offered “until further notice.”25 as the

catechism states, married love is to be characterized by a total self-giving of the husband

to the wife and the wife to the husband:

conjugal love involves a totality, in which all the elements of the person enter —

appeal of the body and instinct, power of feeling and affectivity, aspiration of the

spirit and of will. It aims at a deeply personal unity, a unity that, beyond union

in one flesh, leads to forming one heart and soul; it demands indissolubility and

faithfulness in definitive mutual giving; and it is open to fertility. In a word it is a

question of the normal characteristics of all natural conjugal love, but with a new

significance which not only purifies and strengthens them, but raises them to the

extent of making them the expression of specifically christian values.26

this “deep personal unity” of married couples that the catechism speaks of is dependent

upon three essential qualities: indissolubility, faithfulness and openness to fertility (and

marital chastity). let us reflect on this passage from the catechism and on how the priest

is an example in the love between a man and a woman in marriage, particularly in regard

to marital chastity.

Since the man and the woman have become “one flesh”27 in their conjugal union, they

are to make themselves as gifts to the other in total fidelity: “the intimate union of mar-

riage, as a mutual giving of two persons, and the good of the children, demand total fidel-

ity from the spouses and require an unbreakable union between them.”28

clearly, one of the hardest dimensions of the catholic wedding ceremony for many cou-

ples today is seen in the question, “Will you accept children lovingly from God, and bring

them up according to the law of Christ and his Church?” yet, as a recent statement by the

uSccB well summarizes, any act of contraception harms the unity of the two persons:

When married couples deliberately act to suppress fertility, however, sexual in-

tercourse is no longer fully marital intercourse. It is something less powerful and

intimate, something more ‘casual.’ Suppressing fertility by using contraception

denies part of the inherent meaning of married sexuality and does harm to the


2 6 2 7



would be present before the true Bridegroom, Jesus, in all of her splendor. and how does

this Bride become this? through renunciation, conversion and seeking god. the priest

forsakes physical marriage – which is good and marvelous in its own right – for this

greater good, namely, the spiritual marriage of the Bride and the Bridegroom. the path

to “splendor” is hard and requires constant effort, trust and cooperation with the holy

Spirit. It is a daily struggle in which all of us are engaged. the priest surrenders himself

fully to god, so that through the priest, the true Bridegroom lovingly guides his Bride

closer and closer to him. this is the mystery of celibacy: as the priest opens himself up

fully to the love of god, the Bride whom he serves with loving devotion is able to open

herself more fully to the love of god, to come closer and closer to the promise he has

given us: to be made present before the lord, holy and blameless.

to be sure, our vocation as married persons is also a sign that points to heaven. god the

father loves the Son and gives his whole self to him; the Son returns that love completely

to the father, and the fruit of that union is the gift of the holy Spirit to the church. as hus-

bands and wives, we are called to “love as god loves,”23 – freely, fully and unconditionally

– giving our whole self to the other. this “gift of self to the other” is the sign of god’s own

self-giving love in the life of the trinity. as John paul II wrote, this “freedom of the gift” of

ourselves to each other in marriage is what reveals our true meaning, our true dignity.24

yet the celibate priest is a special kind of living sign to all of us. our priests make present

the life of the resurrection through their celibate bond with the church. they remind us

that marriage, as beautiful and holy as it is, is not itself the end. In their spousal union

to the church, they are an imminent sign of god’s presence as we await the true Bride-

groom. marriage, though it is a great gift from god – and is itself a powerful sign of the

love of god in this world – is not the end. as the apostle paul wrote, the goal of life is

truly that “God may be all in all” (1 cor. 15:28 naB). this is an experience and a hope

beyond any words. and our celibate priests in the here and now are the living signs of what

we hope for and anticipate: life with god. their celibacy meets us, even confronts us, in

the distractions and busyness of everyday life and shouts out joyfully to us, “there is more

to this life… there is heaven!”

our priests are “father” but not only so; they are also “Spouse” – wedded to christ’s

church, for his glory. as such, our priests are witnesses to our families of this blessed

hope – of the reunion of the Bride and the Bridegroom through the redemption won

for us by christ on the cross. this reality points us and our families towards heavenly

hope that awaits us. and precisely because of this, as St. cyprian wrote, our priests are a

“subject of joy” in the here and now.

thus far, we have reflected on two important truths given to us by Vatican II: specifically,

that priestly celibacy is a great gift of service to the church and that it is a powerful sign

of our christian hope. now we turn to one final point of connection between the celibate

priest and our families.

3) Priestly Celibacy: A Tremendous Example. as we have just seen, the priest reflects the

love of christ for his Bride. In essence, he becomes the bridegroom for the sake of the Bride;

the priest is wedded to the church. this action on the part of the priest, of giving over his

whole self for the church, is not only a “future hope,” it simultaneously represents a pow-

erful example for families in general and, more particularly, married couples. marriage

requires a total gift of self to the other: love is not offered “until further notice.”25 as the

catechism states, married love is to be characterized by a total self-giving of the husband

to the wife and the wife to the husband:

conjugal love involves a totality, in which all the elements of the person enter —

appeal of the body and instinct, power of feeling and affectivity, aspiration of the

spirit and of will. It aims at a deeply personal unity, a unity that, beyond union

in one flesh, leads to forming one heart and soul; it demands indissolubility and

faithfulness in definitive mutual giving; and it is open to fertility. In a word it is a

question of the normal characteristics of all natural conjugal love, but with a new

significance which not only purifies and strengthens them, but raises them to the

extent of making them the expression of specifically christian values.26

this “deep personal unity” of married couples that the catechism speaks of is dependent

upon three essential qualities: indissolubility, faithfulness and openness to fertility (and

marital chastity). let us reflect on this passage from the catechism and on how the priest

is an example in the love between a man and a woman in marriage, particularly in regard

to marital chastity.

Since the man and the woman have become “one flesh”27 in their conjugal union, they

are to make themselves as gifts to the other in total fidelity: “the intimate union of mar-

riage, as a mutual giving of two persons, and the good of the children, demand total fidel-

ity from the spouses and require an unbreakable union between them.”28

clearly, one of the hardest dimensions of the catholic wedding ceremony for many cou-

ples today is seen in the question, “Will you accept children lovingly from God, and bring

them up according to the law of Christ and his Church?” yet, as a recent statement by the

uSccB well summarizes, any act of contraception harms the unity of the two persons:

When married couples deliberately act to suppress fertility, however, sexual in-

tercourse is no longer fully marital intercourse. It is something less powerful and

intimate, something more ‘casual.’ Suppressing fertility by using contraception

denies part of the inherent meaning of married sexuality and does harm to the


2 8 2 9



couple’s unity. the total giving of oneself, body and soul, to one’s beloved is no

time to say: ‘I give you everything I am — except….’ the church’s teaching is not

only about observing a rule but about preserving that total, mutual gift of two

persons in its integrity.”29

We are called in our marriage vows to be open to life and open to the gift of children in

every act of sexuality.30 marriage is by its very definition ordered to the procreation and

education of children31 since the “procreative” element (i.e., children) and the “unitive” el-

ement (i.e., the mutual bonding of the spouses) of the marriage act cannot be broken.32

Since marriage involves this giving over of the whole self to the other, we are called not

simply to observe a rule but to preserve this “great mystery:”33 that marriage is a “total,

mutual gift of two persons.”34 this means that as couples, we must integrate the two

through the practice of marital chastity. We must reflect on the meaning of sexuality in

order to fully appreciate who we are to each other in marriage. In our conjugal unions,

we “speak” with our bodies, saying to one another, “I love you freely and totally and give

myself to you without reservation and without barriers.” as the bishops’ statement rightly

puts it, to hold back any part of ourselves in an act of contraception is to say to the other,

“I give you everything I am — except.…”35

here, we can begin to see the connection and the example of the celibate priest to our

marriages: the celibate priest surrenders himself for the good of the Spouse, offering up his

whole self, including his body, for the good of the other. Similarly, as husbands and wives,

we are called to surrender all of ourselves to each other, for the good of our spouse.

It is true that as priests and married persons, we have distinct vocations. yet we are both

called to sanctify our bodies for the sake of the other: for the church, for our spouse. We

are both called to make sacrifices and to see the virtue of marital chastity.36 the priest is

called to a life of continence and purification in keeping with his vow of celibacy. In so

doing, he unites his desires with those of christ, giving them over in an act of sacrificial

love for the Bride. Similarly, married couples are called to a life of sacrificial love and yes,

to periodic abstinence. In the process, married couples are faced with a question: “Will

we love and respect each other enough that we will abstain from intercourse if in this

season god is not calling us to have more children?”

In this way, holy priests exemplify in their vow of celibacy an even greater resolve and self-

surrender to god. think about it: while we are called to respect each other as husbands and

wives in observing times of abstinence, the priest’s call is one that is perpetual and con-

tinual. he understands that this sincere and intense gift is for the good of the Bride, that she

continues to grow in holiness. our priests exemplify in their vocation what we are likewise

called to in marriage: self-donation for the good of our spouse and the glory of god.

Conclusionmay we never take our priests for granted as they minister to our families and see their

celibacy as a great gift of service to the church and our families, as a powerful sign of our

christian hope in the world to come and lastly, as a beautiful example of self-gift for our

marriages and families. as our priests live out their ministries to our families, may we

always remember that their celibacy is not a “utilitarian” function but a divine gift and

living witness of our hope in christ. as St. cyprian said:

[priests] are the flower of the church, the beauty and ornament of spiritual

grace, a subject of joy, a perfect and unsullied homage of praise and honor,

the image of god corresponding to the sanctity of the lord, the most illustri-

ous portion of christ’s flock. In them the glorious fecundity of our mother, the

church, finds expression and she rejoices; the more the number of [priests]

increases, the greater is this mother’s joy.37

Do we think of the role of our priests in our lives with such wonder? With joy and gladness? Do we

remember them and pray for them? our own priests – each with his own gifts, each with his

personal strengths and limitations – ought to be for us a cause of great joy and celebration:

their work is a great service on our behalf; they are living signs of god’s eternal promises to

us; and they are examples of holiness and joy for all marriages and families today.

reflecting on these connections between our priests and our families ought to strengthen

our resolve to live out our mission as a family and to build the “civilization of love.”38 as

John paul II wrote:

the family finds in the plan of god the creator and redeemer not only its iden-

tity, what it is, but also its mission, what it can and should do. the role that god

calls the family to perform in history derives from what the family is; its role

represents the dynamic and existential development of what it is. each family

finds within itself a summons that cannot be ignored, and that specifies both its

dignity and its responsibility: family, become what you are.39

In the end, all of this will increase our prayers for priestly vocations. as St. cyprian wrote,

as the number of priests increases, the church’s joy ought to multiply! this is why Vatican

II calls all of us to be united with our priests, and in a sense, to receive their special call-

ing, if only in our hearts: “this holy synod asks not only priests but all the faithful that

they might receive this precious gift of priestly celibacy in their hearts and ask of god that he

will always bestow this gift upon his church.”40 What a statement and a challenge! We

are to be so united with the mission of our priests that we ourselves as catholic families

ought to pray to receive their gift of celibacy into our own hearts, to embrace it as if it

were our own! moreover, the challenge for us is this: that as Vatican II taught us, we


2 8 2 9



couple’s unity. the total giving of oneself, body and soul, to one’s beloved is no

time to say: ‘I give you everything I am — except….’ the church’s teaching is not

only about observing a rule but about preserving that total, mutual gift of two

persons in its integrity.”29

We are called in our marriage vows to be open to life and open to the gift of children in

every act of sexuality.30 marriage is by its very definition ordered to the procreation and

education of children31 since the “procreative” element (i.e., children) and the “unitive” el-

ement (i.e., the mutual bonding of the spouses) of the marriage act cannot be broken.32

Since marriage involves this giving over of the whole self to the other, we are called not

simply to observe a rule but to preserve this “great mystery:”33 that marriage is a “total,

mutual gift of two persons.”34 this means that as couples, we must integrate the two

through the practice of marital chastity. We must reflect on the meaning of sexuality in

order to fully appreciate who we are to each other in marriage. In our conjugal unions,

we “speak” with our bodies, saying to one another, “I love you freely and totally and give

myself to you without reservation and without barriers.” as the bishops’ statement rightly

puts it, to hold back any part of ourselves in an act of contraception is to say to the other,

“I give you everything I am — except.…”35

here, we can begin to see the connection and the example of the celibate priest to our

marriages: the celibate priest surrenders himself for the good of the Spouse, offering up his

whole self, including his body, for the good of the other. Similarly, as husbands and wives,

we are called to surrender all of ourselves to each other, for the good of our spouse.

It is true that as priests and married persons, we have distinct vocations. yet we are both

called to sanctify our bodies for the sake of the other: for the church, for our spouse. We

are both called to make sacrifices and to see the virtue of marital chastity.36 the priest is

called to a life of continence and purification in keeping with his vow of celibacy. In so

doing, he unites his desires with those of christ, giving them over in an act of sacrificial

love for the Bride. Similarly, married couples are called to a life of sacrificial love and yes,

to periodic abstinence. In the process, married couples are faced with a question: “Will

we love and respect each other enough that we will abstain from intercourse if in this

season god is not calling us to have more children?”

In this way, holy priests exemplify in their vow of celibacy an even greater resolve and self-

surrender to god. think about it: while we are called to respect each other as husbands and

wives in observing times of abstinence, the priest’s call is one that is perpetual and con-

tinual. he understands that this sincere and intense gift is for the good of the Bride, that she

continues to grow in holiness. our priests exemplify in their vocation what we are likewise

called to in marriage: self-donation for the good of our spouse and the glory of god.

Conclusionmay we never take our priests for granted as they minister to our families and see their

celibacy as a great gift of service to the church and our families, as a powerful sign of our

christian hope in the world to come and lastly, as a beautiful example of self-gift for our

marriages and families. as our priests live out their ministries to our families, may we

always remember that their celibacy is not a “utilitarian” function but a divine gift and

living witness of our hope in christ. as St. cyprian said:

[priests] are the flower of the church, the beauty and ornament of spiritual

grace, a subject of joy, a perfect and unsullied homage of praise and honor,

the image of god corresponding to the sanctity of the lord, the most illustri-

ous portion of christ’s flock. In them the glorious fecundity of our mother, the

church, finds expression and she rejoices; the more the number of [priests]

increases, the greater is this mother’s joy.37

Do we think of the role of our priests in our lives with such wonder? With joy and gladness? Do we

remember them and pray for them? our own priests – each with his own gifts, each with his

personal strengths and limitations – ought to be for us a cause of great joy and celebration:

their work is a great service on our behalf; they are living signs of god’s eternal promises to

us; and they are examples of holiness and joy for all marriages and families today.

reflecting on these connections between our priests and our families ought to strengthen

our resolve to live out our mission as a family and to build the “civilization of love.”38 as

John paul II wrote:

the family finds in the plan of god the creator and redeemer not only its iden-

tity, what it is, but also its mission, what it can and should do. the role that god

calls the family to perform in history derives from what the family is; its role

represents the dynamic and existential development of what it is. each family

finds within itself a summons that cannot be ignored, and that specifies both its

dignity and its responsibility: family, become what you are.39

In the end, all of this will increase our prayers for priestly vocations. as St. cyprian wrote,

as the number of priests increases, the church’s joy ought to multiply! this is why Vatican

II calls all of us to be united with our priests, and in a sense, to receive their special call-

ing, if only in our hearts: “this holy synod asks not only priests but all the faithful that

they might receive this precious gift of priestly celibacy in their hearts and ask of god that he

will always bestow this gift upon his church.”40 What a statement and a challenge! We

are to be so united with the mission of our priests that we ourselves as catholic families

ought to pray to receive their gift of celibacy into our own hearts, to embrace it as if it

were our own! moreover, the challenge for us is this: that as Vatican II taught us, we


3 0 31



would continually pray for god to pour out this great gift upon our church. It may be

true that for some of us there is something of a disconnect between the life of the priest

and our own families. But what would it look like if catholic families across our land

thought of and interacted with our priests as Vatican II taught us to? What would it look like

if catholic families across our land prayed for our priests – and for future vocations? and

what impact might all of this have not only on our church, but on the watching world?

let us seek not only to “understand” all of these things in a deeper and more profound

way but to have them change us and our families, for the glory of god.

A Prayer for Priests by St. thérèse of lisieux:

O Jesus, eternal Priest, keep your priests within the shelter of Your Sacred Heart, where none

may touch them.

Keep unstained their anointed hands, which daily touch Your Sacred Body.

Keep unsullied their lips, daily purpled with your Precious Blood.

Keep pure and unearthly their hearts, sealed with the sublime mark of the priesthood.

Let Your holy love surround them and shield them from the world’s contagion.

Bless their labors with abundant fruit and may the souls to whom they minister be their joy and

consolation here and in heaven their beautiful and everlasting crown. Amen.41

Dr. Steven C. Smith is Assistant Professor of Sacred Scripture at Mount St.

Mary’s Seminary in Emmitsburg, Maryland and Adjunct Professor at Immacu-

late Conception Seminary School of Theology. Dr. Smith completed his Ph.D.

in New Testament and Early Christianity at Loyola University of Chicago.

Prior to his work at Mount St. Mary’s Seminary, he served in the Family Life

/ Respect Life Office of the Archdiocese of New York, where he led Marriage

Preparation classes for thousands of engaged couples. Dr. Smith and his wife,

Elizabeth, live in rural Maryland, along with their two children.

noteS

1. Second Vatican council, Dogmatic constitution on the church, Lumen Gentium, 1.

2. Ibid.

3. Ibid.

4. 1 cor. 12:13; cf. Catechism of the Catholic Church, 1268 – 9.

5. Second Vatican council, Decree on the ministry and life of priests, Presbyterorum

Ordinis, 2.

6. Ibid. cf. matt. 3:16; lk. 4:18; acts 4:27, 10:38.

7. cf. rom. 3:3-8.

8. cf. CCC, 954-57.

9. 1 cor. 10:17.

10. CCC, 1369 – 72.

11. Ibid.

12. cf. paul VI, encyclical, Sacerdotalis Caelibatus, 3 – 5.

13. Ibid, 1.

14. Ibid.

15. Presbyterorum Ordinis, 16; cf. John 1:13.

16. pius XII, encyclical, Mediator Dei, 39.; cf. heb. 10:14; rev. 1:6; 1 pet. 2:5, 9.

17. Presbyterorum Ordinis, 16.

18. Ibid.

19. Ibid.

20. eph. 5:25; cf. John 15:13.

21. eph. 5:27.

22. Ibid.

23. John 13:34.

24. “pope John paul II’s theology of the Body,” http://www.jp2.info/Theology_of_the_

Body.pdf (accessed october 20, 2009).

25. CCC, 1643.

26. Ibid.

27. gen. 2:24.

28. CCC, 1646.

29. Married Love and the Gift of Life (Washington, D.c.: uSccB publishing, 2006), 3.

30. paul VI, encyclical, Humane Vitae, 12. “the church, nevertheless, in urging men

to the observance of the precepts of the natural law, which it interprets by its constant

doctrine, teaches that each and every marital act must of necessity retain its intrinsic rela-

tionship to the procreation of human life.”

31. CCC, 1652.

32. Humane Vitae, 11.

33. cf. eph. 5:32.

34. Ibid.

35. Married Love and the Gift of Life, 3.

36. CCC, 1832.

37. “Sacra Virginitas,” http://www.newadvent.org/library/docs_pi12sv.htm (accessed

august 22, 2009).

38. John paul II, Letter to Families, 13.

39. John paul II, apostolic exhortation, Familaris Consortio, 17.


41. archdiocese of new york, “prayer for priests,” http://www.archny.org/pastoral/

year-for-priests/prayers (accessed august 22, 2009).


3 0 31



would continually pray for god to pour out this great gift upon our church. It may be

true that for some of us there is something of a disconnect between the life of the priest

and our own families. But what would it look like if catholic families across our land

thought of and interacted with our priests as Vatican II taught us to? What would it look like

if catholic families across our land prayed for our priests – and for future vocations? and

what impact might all of this have not only on our church, but on the watching world?

let us seek not only to “understand” all of these things in a deeper and more profound

way but to have them change us and our families, for the glory of god.

A Prayer for Priests by St. thérèse of lisieux:

O Jesus, eternal Priest, keep your priests within the shelter of Your Sacred Heart, where none

may touch them.

Keep unstained their anointed hands, which daily touch Your Sacred Body.

Keep unsullied their lips, daily purpled with your Precious Blood.

Keep pure and unearthly their hearts, sealed with the sublime mark of the priesthood.

Let Your holy love surround them and shield them from the world’s contagion.

Bless their labors with abundant fruit and may the souls to whom they minister be their joy and

consolation here and in heaven their beautiful and everlasting crown. Amen.41

Dr. Steven C. Smith is Assistant Professor of Sacred Scripture at Mount St.

Mary’s Seminary in Emmitsburg, Maryland and Adjunct Professor at Immacu-

late Conception Seminary School of Theology. Dr. Smith completed his Ph.D.

in New Testament and Early Christianity at Loyola University of Chicago.

Prior to his work at Mount St. Mary’s Seminary, he served in the Family Life

/ Respect Life Office of the Archdiocese of New York, where he led Marriage

Preparation classes for thousands of engaged couples. Dr. Smith and his wife,

Elizabeth, live in rural Maryland, along with their two children.

noteS

1. Second Vatican council, Dogmatic constitution on the church, Lumen Gentium, 1.

2. Ibid.

3. Ibid.

4. 1 cor. 12:13; cf. Catechism of the Catholic Church, 1268 – 9.

5. Second Vatican council, Decree on the ministry and life of priests, Presbyterorum

Ordinis, 2.

6. Ibid. cf. matt. 3:16; lk. 4:18; acts 4:27, 10:38.

7. cf. rom. 3:3-8.

8. cf. CCC, 954-57.

9. 1 cor. 10:17.

10. CCC, 1369 – 72.

11. Ibid.

12. cf. paul VI, encyclical, Sacerdotalis Caelibatus, 3 – 5.

13. Ibid, 1.

14. Ibid.

15. Presbyterorum Ordinis, 16; cf. John 1:13.

16. pius XII, encyclical, Mediator Dei, 39.; cf. heb. 10:14; rev. 1:6; 1 pet. 2:5, 9.


18. Ibid.

19. Ibid.

20. eph. 5:25; cf. John 15:13.

21. eph. 5:27.

22. Ibid.

23. John 13:34.

24. “pope John paul II’s theology of the Body,” http://www.jp2.info/Theology_of_the_

Body.pdf (accessed october 20, 2009).

25. CCC, 1643.

26. Ibid.

27. gen. 2:24.

28. CCC, 1646.

29. Married Love and the Gift of Life (Washington, D.c.: uSccB publishing, 2006), 3.

30. paul VI, encyclical, Humane Vitae, 12. “the church, nevertheless, in urging men

to the observance of the precepts of the natural law, which it interprets by its constant

doctrine, teaches that each and every marital act must of necessity retain its intrinsic rela-

tionship to the procreation of human life.”

31. CCC, 1652.

32. Humane Vitae, 11.

33. cf. eph. 5:32.

34. Ibid.

35. Married Love and the Gift of Life, 3.

36. CCC, 1832.

37. “Sacra Virginitas,” http://www.newadvent.org/library/docs_pi12sv.htm (accessed

august 22, 2009).

38. John paul II, Letter to Families, 13.



41. archdiocese of new york, “prayer for priests,” http://www.archny.org/pastoral/

year-for-priests/prayers (accessed august 22, 2009).


3 2 3 3


“Fireside Chat”

by Katie Andreski

St. John the Baptist de La Salle, North Wilkesboro, NC

Seton Hall University

my family is a close-knit bunch—with 11 of us living in the same house it’s hard not to be. there

are no other words to describe my parents than living saints...we put them through so much! face

it, with nine youngsters running around somebody is bound to break a vase or color all over the

walls. yet, in the midst of all the noise, confusion and chaos we’re able to hold onto that thing

which connects us at the core—love. John the evangelist tells us in his letter that god is love

(1 John 4:8). often we’ll look to foreign or uncommon experiences and proclaim them as “love-filled,”

because they’re not everyday occurrences. But how often do we recognize his love in the realm

of our complacency? this comfort-zone is often the defining factor of our home lives. therefore,

I have concluded that god’s love and beauty must be present in my family with great intensity….

looking closer at this photo, I began to see that the light reflecting from virtually all angles is

visually comparable to the love god has for us as a family.

my father lived his life in a way that defied classification. he was reverent, but certainly not overtly pious. he loved the high church, the latin mass, the pomp and glory. and yet he loved movies with car chases and, dare I say, inappropriate language and slapstick comedy. he loved country music, fast food, his family, and his church. he loved his wife more than all of that. What he left me, his oldest daughter, was a desire to live life to its fullest: to embrace the bad parts, to be courageous and real; to admit, in a moment of weakness, that I don’t have all the answers. one of his favorite quotes when I was a teenager was, “Don’t take yourself too seriously, nobody else does.” as my husband and I embark on raising our four children, the mysteries that we reflect on are: how much can we give them that will last? What can we do to encourage our chil-dren to love the faith, to love god and grow to be faithful catholics? of course, we take them to mass each week. We have prepared them for the sacraments. But at some point, they will look to their parents and decide if that’s the kind of life that they want. my dad had the kind of life that I want. his love of god defined him. It made him who he was. there was no formula, no magic pill that he took other than that he was faithful — faithful to the end. a few months before he passed away, we were sitting in the kitchen discussing a current event of the day. We were talking about a famous person who had money, fame, a beauti-ful wife and family, yet succumbed to despair, drug addiction and bankruptcy. my dad said something to me that I will never forget: “only god can bring you happiness and contentment. all else will lead to despair. I’ve tried some of them and nothing worked but god.”

thanks, Dad.

Jennifer Burgoyne, Dr. William Toth’s daughter, lives in Glen Rock, NJ, with her

husband, John, and their four children.

William J. Toth: “I Want What He Has!”

By Jennifer Burgoyne


3 2 3 3


“Fireside Chat”

by Katie Andreski

St. John the Baptist de La Salle, North Wilkesboro, NC

Seton Hall University

my family is a close-knit bunch—with 11 of us living in the same house it’s hard not to be. there

are no other words to describe my parents than living saints...we put them through so much! face

it, with nine youngsters running around somebody is bound to break a vase or color all over the

walls. yet, in the midst of all the noise, confusion and chaos we’re able to hold onto that thing

which connects us at the core—love. John the evangelist tells us in his letter that god is love

(1 John 4:8). often we’ll look to foreign or uncommon experiences and proclaim them as “love-filled,”

because they’re not everyday occurrences. But how often do we recognize his love in the realm

of our complacency? this comfort-zone is often the defining factor of our home lives. therefore,

I have concluded that god’s love and beauty must be present in my family with great intensity….

looking closer at this photo, I began to see that the light reflecting from virtually all angles is

visually comparable to the love god has for us as a family.

my father lived his life in a way that defied classification. he was reverent, but certainly not overtly pious. he loved the high church, the latin mass, the pomp and glory. and yet he loved movies with car chases and, dare I say, inappropriate language and slapstick comedy. he loved country music, fast food, his family, and his church. he loved his wife more than all of that. What he left me, his oldest daughter, was a desire to live life to its fullest: to embrace the bad parts, to be courageous and real; to admit, in a moment of weakness, that I don’t have all the answers. one of his favorite quotes when I was a teenager was, “Don’t take yourself too seriously, nobody else does.” as my husband and I embark on raising our four children, the mysteries that we reflect on are: how much can we give them that will last? What can we do to encourage our chil-dren to love the faith, to love god and grow to be faithful catholics? of course, we take them to mass each week. We have prepared them for the sacraments. But at some point, they will look to their parents and decide if that’s the kind of life that they want. my dad had the kind of life that I want. his love of god defined him. It made him who he was. there was no formula, no magic pill that he took other than that he was faithful — faithful to the end. a few months before he passed away, we were sitting in the kitchen discussing a current event of the day. We were talking about a famous person who had money, fame, a beauti-ful wife and family, yet succumbed to despair, drug addiction and bankruptcy. my dad said something to me that I will never forget: “only god can bring you happiness and contentment. all else will lead to despair. I’ve tried some of them and nothing worked but god.”

thanks, Dad.

Jennifer Burgoyne, Dr. William Toth’s daughter, lives in Glen Rock, NJ, with her

husband, John, and their four children.

William J. Toth: “I Want What He Has!”

By Jennifer Burgoyne


3 4 3 5


Joyful Mysteries: 1st, 5th, and 9th Days

The Annunciation (luke 1:26-35)

Mary gives her fiat to the Angel’s invitation to be the Mother of the Son of God.

lord, may this couple give their “yes” to life, and to god’s will in all circumstances and

challenges of their daily lives. as they grow in love for one another, may they also draw

ever nearer to you and your mother.

The Visitation (luke 1:39-56)

Carrying Divine life within her, Mary visits Elizabeth, Zechariah, and their unborn child, John.

From the darkness of his mother’s womb, John recognizes the Son of God within Mary, and leaps

for joy.

lord, may this couple know the joy of parenthood. may, they, too, in their own unique

ways, carry you close to their hearts, carry your life and love, and reflect your presence

(even in darkness) to their families, friends, and all those whom they may encounter.

The Birth of Our Lord (matt. 1:18-25)

When Mary gives birth to Jesus, she and her husband, Joseph, gaze together into the face of the

Son of God.

lord, may this couple learn to gaze together on your face—praying with one another and

for one another, and learning to see the image and likeness of god in each other and in

their neighbor. may they one day experience the grace of holding a newborn in their arms

as they recognize god’s creative love in their lives.

The Presentation in the Temple (luke 2:22-40)

Mary and Joseph follow the law, and present their Son in the Temple. In witnessing Anna and Sim-

Reflections to Accompany a Rosary Novena for a Couple Preparing for Marriage


eon gazing into their Son’s face, they know their Son has a mission beyond the confines of their im-

mediate family. Simeon proclaims that Christ will be “a Light to the revelation of the Gentiles.”

lord, may this couple always know and appreciate your light and love, and may their love

radiate beyond their home, helping others to experience your salvific presence.

The Finding of Jesus in the Temple (luke 2:41-52)

After Mary and Joseph search for Jesus for three days, they find Him in the Temple, amazing the

teachers with His wisdom. Mary cries: “Your father and I have sought you with sorrow.” Jesus

responds to his parents’ concern by asking: “Did you not know that I had to be about my father’s

business?” He then returns to his parents’ home where he “grew in wisdom, in stature and in

favor with God and man.”

lord, may this couple always seek you, as they strive to deepen their relationship with

you, your father and the holy Spirit. may, they, too, learn to be “about their father’s

business.” may their relationship with you help their children someday, and all those

entrusted to their care, to grow “in wisdom, in stature and in favor with god and man.”

Sorrowful Mysteries: 2nd and 6th Days

The Agony in the Garden (luke 22-39-46)

Jesus weeps in the Garden, as he cries out, “Lord, if it is your will, let this cup pass me by, but not

my will but your will be done.” During Jesus’ agony, He is comforted by an angel.

lord, in the trials and challenges that this couple may face in their long years together,

may they follow your example and ask the father if he would take away their sorrow, but

only if it be his will. In seeking to fulfill god’s will, may they know the comfort of his

ministering angels.

The Scourging at the Pillar (matt. 27:15-26)

Jesus is brutally scourged by the soldiers who do not recognize that they are torturing the Son of

God, the Prince of Peace. Jesus’ precious body is ripped apart, and his blood falls to the ground

as He endures each blow.

lord, may this couple know the great sacrificial love that you have for them, for their

families, and for us all. may this realization help them to draw closer to your heart, and

to sacrifice generously and lovingly for each other and for others.

The Crowning with Thorns (matt. 27:31)

Jesus is stripped of his garments, and clothed with a scarlet robe. He is spat upon, and crowned

with thorns, as the soldiers mock: “Hail, King of the Jews.”

reflectIonS to accompany a roSary noVena


3 4 3 5


Joyful Mysteries: 1st, 5th, and 9th Days

The Annunciation (luke 1:26-35)

Mary gives her fiat to the Angel’s invitation to be the Mother of the Son of God.

lord, may this couple give their “yes” to life, and to god’s will in all circumstances and

challenges of their daily lives. as they grow in love for one another, may they also draw

ever nearer to you and your mother.

The Visitation (luke 1:39-56)

Carrying Divine life within her, Mary visits Elizabeth, Zechariah, and their unborn child, John.

From the darkness of his mother’s womb, John recognizes the Son of God within Mary, and leaps

for joy.

lord, may this couple know the joy of parenthood. may, they, too, in their own unique

ways, carry you close to their hearts, carry your life and love, and reflect your presence

(even in darkness) to their families, friends, and all those whom they may encounter.

The Birth of Our Lord (matt. 1:18-25)

When Mary gives birth to Jesus, she and her husband, Joseph, gaze together into the face of the

Son of God.

lord, may this couple learn to gaze together on your face—praying with one another and

for one another, and learning to see the image and likeness of god in each other and in

their neighbor. may they one day experience the grace of holding a newborn in their arms

as they recognize god’s creative love in their lives.

The Presentation in the Temple (luke 2:22-40)

Mary and Joseph follow the law, and present their Son in the Temple. In witnessing Anna and Sim-

Reflections to Accompany a Rosary Novena for a Couple Preparing for Marriage


eon gazing into their Son’s face, they know their Son has a mission beyond the confines of their im-

mediate family. Simeon proclaims that Christ will be “a Light to the revelation of the Gentiles.”

lord, may this couple always know and appreciate your light and love, and may their love

radiate beyond their home, helping others to experience your salvific presence.

The Finding of Jesus in the Temple (luke 2:41-52)

After Mary and Joseph search for Jesus for three days, they find Him in the Temple, amazing the

teachers with His wisdom. Mary cries: “Your father and I have sought you with sorrow.” Jesus

responds to his parents’ concern by asking: “Did you not know that I had to be about my father’s

business?” He then returns to his parents’ home where he “grew in wisdom, in stature and in

favor with God and man.”

lord, may this couple always seek you, as they strive to deepen their relationship with

you, your father and the holy Spirit. may, they, too, learn to be “about their father’s

business.” may their relationship with you help their children someday, and all those

entrusted to their care, to grow “in wisdom, in stature and in favor with god and man.”

Sorrowful Mysteries: 2nd and 6th Days

The Agony in the Garden (luke 22-39-46)

Jesus weeps in the Garden, as he cries out, “Lord, if it is your will, let this cup pass me by, but not

my will but your will be done.” During Jesus’ agony, He is comforted by an angel.

lord, in the trials and challenges that this couple may face in their long years together,

may they follow your example and ask the father if he would take away their sorrow, but

only if it be his will. In seeking to fulfill god’s will, may they know the comfort of his

ministering angels.

The Scourging at the Pillar (matt. 27:15-26)

Jesus is brutally scourged by the soldiers who do not recognize that they are torturing the Son of

God, the Prince of Peace. Jesus’ precious body is ripped apart, and his blood falls to the ground

as He endures each blow.

lord, may this couple know the great sacrificial love that you have for them, for their

families, and for us all. may this realization help them to draw closer to your heart, and

to sacrifice generously and lovingly for each other and for others.

The Crowning with Thorns (matt. 27:31)

Jesus is stripped of his garments, and clothed with a scarlet robe. He is spat upon, and crowned

with thorns, as the soldiers mock: “Hail, King of the Jews.”

reflectIonS to accompany a roSary noVena


3 6 3 7


lord, may this couple’s lives be clothed with respect and kindness. In recognizing you as

King, may they realize their own royal dignity and that of their neighbor; may their ac-

tions help to build your Kingdom.

The Carrying of the Cross (luke 23:26-32)

As Jesus carries His Cross, he is helped by Simon of Cyrene, a stranger forced by a soldier to share

Jesus’ burden. Jesus falls three times, and each time, He is able to stand up again, and continue

to Golgotha.

lord, may this couple see and appreciate your courage in fulfilling the father’s will. may

they know the true meaning of christian courage—that great courage that flows from the

heart and perseveres in suffering. may they lovingly help each other to carry the various

crosses of daily life, and may they accept help from friends and strangers alike, recogniz-

ing in their kindness your loving hand.

The Crucifixion (lk. 23:33-43; Jn. 19:25-27; mk. 15:33-39)

From the Cross, Jesus forgives his persecutors, assures a repentant criminal of his place in heaven,

and gives us His mother. After suffering unquenchable thirst, and the darkness of desolation, He

abandons Himself to His Father, and breathes His last.

lord, may this couple gaze upon your wounds, and ponder your words from the cross,

realizing the vast ocean of your mercy. close to your merciful heart, may they love with

your love and forgive with your forgiveness. may they come to rely on your mother as

their mother, seeking her intercession, relying on her help, and imitating her virtues.

Glorious Mysteries: 3rd and 7th Days

The Resurrection (matt. 28:1-10)

Three days after the crucifixion, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary visit the tomb of Jesus.

There, they see an angel who declares that Jesus has risen from the dead. The angel commissions

them to share the news with the disciples.

lord, may this couple live with great joy and enthusiasm, spreading the good news in

word and example: you are alive!

The Ascension (matt. 28:16-20)

At the Mount of Olives, the disciples are assured by Jesus: “…and lo, I am with you always, to the

close of the age.” Jesus then is lifted up in a cloud until the disciples no longer could see him.

lord, may this couple recognize your abiding presence in their marriage, in their family

life, and in the joys and sorrows of everyday life. When they have a difficult time know-

ing your presence, may they, like the disciples, pray together seeking you in hope and

perseverance.

The Descent of the Holy Spirit (acts 2:1-17)

In the form of fiery tongues, the Holy Spirit descends upon Christ’s followers gathered in the

Cenacle. The disciples then are able to speak and to hear in languages they had not known, proph-

esying to those assembled outside the house from various countries. Thousands of people hear the

disciples’ words, believe, and are baptized.

lord, may this couple grow closer to the holy Spirit, be animated by the Spirit’s gifts,

and guided by the truth. may their lives of faith, their witness of love and their words of

truth bring people the good news in such a way as to move their hearts to draw closer

to your heart.

Assumption of MaryMary is taken up to heaven, her body incorrupt. In heaven, she intercedes for us, as she interceded

for the bride and groom at Cana.

lord, may this couple realize that just as mary interceded for the couple at cana, so, too,

does she wish to intercede for them. She desires their happiness and wishes to deepen

their relationship with you, where they may experience your immeasurable and uncon-

ditional love.

The Coronation of MaryGod the Father crowns Mary, honoring her as Queen of Heaven.

lord, may this couple come to know mary as Queen mother who exercises her royalty in

a maternal way, gently encouraging them to draw closer to you. may their faith, like the

disciples, grow deeper because of her maternal presence as they take her words at cana to

heart: “Do whatever he tells you.”

Mysteries of Light: 4th and 8th Days

The Baptism of Jesus (matt. 3:17)

When Jesus is baptized by John in the Jordan, a voice from heaven declares: “This is my Son,

whom I love; with him I am well pleased.”

lord, may this couple realize their baptismal identity and vocation as children of god.

In knowing that they are part of god’s family, may they strive to please the father in all

their responsibilities, in home and in the world. may they draw close to their neighbors,

recognizing in them their spiritual brothers and sisters.

DIanne m. traflet reflectIonS to accompany a roSary noVena


3 6 3 7


lord, may this couple’s lives be clothed with respect and kindness. In recognizing you as

King, may they realize their own royal dignity and that of their neighbor; may their ac-

tions help to build your Kingdom.

The Carrying of the Cross (luke 23:26-32)

As Jesus carries His Cross, he is helped by Simon of Cyrene, a stranger forced by a soldier to share

Jesus’ burden. Jesus falls three times, and each time, He is able to stand up again, and continue

to Golgotha.

lord, may this couple see and appreciate your courage in fulfilling the father’s will. may

they know the true meaning of christian courage—that great courage that flows from the

heart and perseveres in suffering. may they lovingly help each other to carry the various

crosses of daily life, and may they accept help from friends and strangers alike, recogniz-

ing in their kindness your loving hand.

The Crucifixion (lk. 23:33-43; Jn. 19:25-27; mk. 15:33-39)

From the Cross, Jesus forgives his persecutors, assures a repentant criminal of his place in heaven,

and gives us His mother. After suffering unquenchable thirst, and the darkness of desolation, He

abandons Himself to His Father, and breathes His last.

lord, may this couple gaze upon your wounds, and ponder your words from the cross,

realizing the vast ocean of your mercy. close to your merciful heart, may they love with

your love and forgive with your forgiveness. may they come to rely on your mother as

their mother, seeking her intercession, relying on her help, and imitating her virtues.

Glorious Mysteries: 3rd and 7th Days

The Resurrection (matt. 28:1-10)

Three days after the crucifixion, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary visit the tomb of Jesus.

There, they see an angel who declares that Jesus has risen from the dead. The angel commissions

them to share the news with the disciples.

lord, may this couple live with great joy and enthusiasm, spreading the good news in

word and example: you are alive!

The Ascension (matt. 28:16-20)

At the Mount of Olives, the disciples are assured by Jesus: “…and lo, I am with you always, to the

close of the age.” Jesus then is lifted up in a cloud until the disciples no longer could see him.

lord, may this couple recognize your abiding presence in their marriage, in their family

life, and in the joys and sorrows of everyday life. When they have a difficult time know-

ing your presence, may they, like the disciples, pray together seeking you in hope and

perseverance.

The Descent of the Holy Spirit (acts 2:1-17)

In the form of fiery tongues, the Holy Spirit descends upon Christ’s followers gathered in the

Cenacle. The disciples then are able to speak and to hear in languages they had not known, proph-

esying to those assembled outside the house from various countries. Thousands of people hear the

disciples’ words, believe, and are baptized.

lord, may this couple grow closer to the holy Spirit, be animated by the Spirit’s gifts,

and guided by the truth. may their lives of faith, their witness of love and their words of

truth bring people the good news in such a way as to move their hearts to draw closer

to your heart.

Assumption of MaryMary is taken up to heaven, her body incorrupt. In heaven, she intercedes for us, as she interceded

for the bride and groom at Cana.

lord, may this couple realize that just as mary interceded for the couple at cana, so, too,

does she wish to intercede for them. She desires their happiness and wishes to deepen

their relationship with you, where they may experience your immeasurable and uncon-

ditional love.

The Coronation of MaryGod the Father crowns Mary, honoring her as Queen of Heaven.

lord, may this couple come to know mary as Queen mother who exercises her royalty in

a maternal way, gently encouraging them to draw closer to you. may their faith, like the

disciples, grow deeper because of her maternal presence as they take her words at cana to

heart: “Do whatever he tells you.”

Mysteries of Light: 4th and 8th Days

The Baptism of Jesus (matt. 3:17)

When Jesus is baptized by John in the Jordan, a voice from heaven declares: “This is my Son,

whom I love; with him I am well pleased.”

lord, may this couple realize their baptismal identity and vocation as children of god.

In knowing that they are part of god’s family, may they strive to please the father in all

their responsibilities, in home and in the world. may they draw close to their neighbors,

recognizing in them their spiritual brothers and sisters.



3 8 3 9


The Wedding of Cana (John 2:1-12)

Mary, Jesus and His disciples are invited to a wedding at Cana in Galilee. During the celebration,

Mary advises her Son that all the wine has been consumed. Jesus replies, “Woman, what does this

have to do with you and me? My hour has not yet come.” Mary turns to the servants and instructs,

“Do whatever he tells you.” Jesus tells the servants to fill six jars with water. After they do, Jesus

directs them to draw some out, and bring it to the master of the banquet. The master tastes the

water that had turned to wine, and realizes that the best has been saved until last. Jesus performs

this first miracle, and the disciples grow in their faith.

lord, may this couple celebrate their love as a gift from you. may they invite you to their

wedding, to their married lives, to their families, and to all their celebrations, recognizing

that you rejoice at their love. as they witness to your miraculous work in their lives, may

they together grow in their faith, embarking on a spiritual adventure of faith and love.

The Proclamation of the Kingdom of God (mk. 1:15; mk. 2:3-13; lk. 7:47-48; Jn. 20:22-23)

In proclaiming the coming of the Kingdom, Jesus calls for conversion, repentance, and belief in

the good news.

lord, may this couple’s journey of love be a spiritual journey towards you, one that in-

spires them to delve deeply into the mystery of your merciful love. may their experience of

your mercy help them to forgive each other, and to have recourse to the Sacrament of rec-

onciliation. may each step of their journey bring them ever closer to your Sacred heart.

The Transfiguration (luke 9:28-35)

On a mountain top, Jesus begins to pray in the presence of three of his disciples. Suddenly, his

face changes, and his clothes are illuminated. Moses and EIijah appear and speak to Jesus. Peter,

awakening from sleep, sees Jesus and two men, and declares: “Lord, it is good for us to be here. Let

us build three shelters—one for you, one for Moses and one for Elijah.” Then, a cloud descends

upon all of them, and a voice from the cloud, instructs: “This is my Son, whom I have chosen;

listen to Him.”

lord, may this couple discern the voice of god, reminding them to listen to you. as they

do so, may they realize the beautiful divine calling of their marital love. In their lives

together and in their homes, may they lead lives that echo peter’s words: “lord, it is good

for us to be here.”

The Institution of the Eucharist (mk. 14:22-25; Jn. 13:1)

“While they were eating, Jesus took the bread, gave thanks, and broke it, and gave it to his dis-

ciples, saying, ‘Take and eat; this is my body.’ Then he took the cup, gave thanks, and offered it

to them, and they all drank from it. ‘This is my blood of the covenant which is poured out for

many,’ he said to them.”

lord, may this couple lead eucharistic lives, appreciating and relying on the Sacrament of

love as they seek to live and embrace your great love for them. may the eucharist nourish

them with your life, and ignite a flame of pure love within their hearts that inspires every

day of their married lives.

A similar novena was created, and prayed, by the author for Catherine Phelan and Edward Cunning

as they prepared for their wedding day, November 1, 2008.This is now dedicated to Mr. and Mrs. Cunning,

as they celebrate their first anniversary.



3 8 3 9


The Wedding of Cana (John 2:1-12)

Mary, Jesus and His disciples are invited to a wedding at Cana in Galilee. During the celebration,

Mary advises her Son that all the wine has been consumed. Jesus replies, “Woman, what does this

have to do with you and me? My hour has not yet come.” Mary turns to the servants and instructs,

“Do whatever he tells you.” Jesus tells the servants to fill six jars with water. After they do, Jesus

directs them to draw some out, and bring it to the master of the banquet. The master tastes the

water that had turned to wine, and realizes that the best has been saved until last. Jesus performs

this first miracle, and the disciples grow in their faith.

lord, may this couple celebrate their love as a gift from you. may they invite you to their

wedding, to their married lives, to their families, and to all their celebrations, recognizing

that you rejoice at their love. as they witness to your miraculous work in their lives, may

they together grow in their faith, embarking on a spiritual adventure of faith and love.

The Proclamation of the Kingdom of God (mk. 1:15; mk. 2:3-13; lk. 7:47-48; Jn. 20:22-23)

In proclaiming the coming of the Kingdom, Jesus calls for conversion, repentance, and belief in

the good news.

lord, may this couple’s journey of love be a spiritual journey towards you, one that in-

spires them to delve deeply into the mystery of your merciful love. may their experience of

your mercy help them to forgive each other, and to have recourse to the Sacrament of rec-

onciliation. may each step of their journey bring them ever closer to your Sacred heart.

The Transfiguration (luke 9:28-35)

On a mountain top, Jesus begins to pray in the presence of three of his disciples. Suddenly, his

face changes, and his clothes are illuminated. Moses and EIijah appear and speak to Jesus. Peter,

awakening from sleep, sees Jesus and two men, and declares: “Lord, it is good for us to be here. Let

us build three shelters—one for you, one for Moses and one for Elijah.” Then, a cloud descends

upon all of them, and a voice from the cloud, instructs: “This is my Son, whom I have chosen;

listen to Him.”

lord, may this couple discern the voice of god, reminding them to listen to you. as they

do so, may they realize the beautiful divine calling of their marital love. In their lives

together and in their homes, may they lead lives that echo peter’s words: “lord, it is good

for us to be here.”

The Institution of the Eucharist (mk. 14:22-25; Jn. 13:1)

“While they were eating, Jesus took the bread, gave thanks, and broke it, and gave it to his dis-

ciples, saying, ‘Take and eat; this is my body.’ Then he took the cup, gave thanks, and offered it

to them, and they all drank from it. ‘This is my blood of the covenant which is poured out for

many,’ he said to them.”

lord, may this couple lead eucharistic lives, appreciating and relying on the Sacrament of

love as they seek to live and embrace your great love for them. may the eucharist nourish

them with your life, and ignite a flame of pure love within their hearts that inspires every

day of their married lives.

A similar novena was created, and prayed, by the author for Catherine Phelan and Edward Cunning

as they prepared for their wedding day, November 1, 2008.This is now dedicated to Mr. and Mrs. Cunning,

as they celebrate their first anniversary.



4 0 41


It’s no coincidence that I was inspired to write this reflection on the day of the big yeS,

the divine handshake, the holy family Kick-off, none other than the feast of the annun-

ciation. on that day, an otherwise ordinary woman on an otherwise ordinary day said

“yes.” yes to the mystery, yes to the father, yes to the lord Jesus christ.

my father, William toth, was a person of infinite “yes-es.” even the slightest possibility of

a divine collaboration, big or small, wetted his appetite like a juicy t-bone steak hot off the

grill. While some may limit the realm of divine collaboration to church matters or theologi-

cal pursuits, my father’s imagination had no such boundaries. every moment held his beck-

oning to say “yes.” yes to the good; yes to connect people; yes to bring peace; yes to serve. his

declarations were followed by action and results. grace seemed to come easily to my father.

In his book, Outliers, malcolm gladwell explains that to become a master of anything,

practitioners must put in at least 10,000 hours of practice. hours of lessons, application,

refinements, tweaking, the same shot, over and over again. then, one day, just seconds

before the buzzer, that same shot, for the thousandth time -- SWooSh! all net! Victory!

the crowd goes wild. “he’s a natural, a prodigy,” they say, shaking their heads in disbe-

lief. What the crowd never sees are the hours of tedious and solitary practice that their

hero endured to “receive” such a prodigious reward, with such grace.

my father was a high performer. he always delivered. he’d show up, calm and cool in

his Brooks Brothers’ sweater and khaki dress pants, and he casually would knock out the

audience with his homily, lesson plan or lecture. he made it seem so easy. Back at home,

we knew the real reason why my father was blessed with such grace. he worked hard at it!

he put in his 10,000 hours. his entire life seemed a quiet but determined practice to live

his commandments. he said “yes” so that he could experience this invisible god and

discover and master the service for which he was created. only god knew that service.

now in heaven, my father knows, too. If I had to guess, I’d say that my father’s willingness

to say “yes,” followed by his 10,000 hours of practice, brought the mystery of the trinity

to life in him, in our family and in all the lives he touched.

The “Yes” Man

By michele carr

on the night my father died, I took a walk down my block in hoboken to try to grasp the

magnitude of the news. I looked up at the clear dark sky and I thought to myself, “Wow,

he finally did it.” he worked his whole life to be prepared for this moment. he took that

final shot and SWooSh, all net! I could practically hear the celestial crowd going wild,

“yeS, he did it! What a life!”

he was blessed, so we are blessed. thanks, Dad, for saying “yes” to us and for all your

hard work. you mastered your craft. now you finally can get some rest!

Michele Carr, Dr. William Toth’s daughter, lives in New York City with her hus-

band, John. They are expecting their first child in November 2009.

the “yeS” man


4 0 41


It’s no coincidence that I was inspired to write this reflection on the day of the big yeS,

the divine handshake, the holy family Kick-off, none other than the feast of the annun-

ciation. on that day, an otherwise ordinary woman on an otherwise ordinary day said

“yes.” yes to the mystery, yes to the father, yes to the lord Jesus christ.

my father, William toth, was a person of infinite “yes-es.” even the slightest possibility of

a divine collaboration, big or small, wetted his appetite like a juicy t-bone steak hot off the

grill. While some may limit the realm of divine collaboration to church matters or theologi-

cal pursuits, my father’s imagination had no such boundaries. every moment held his beck-

oning to say “yes.” yes to the good; yes to connect people; yes to bring peace; yes to serve. his

declarations were followed by action and results. grace seemed to come easily to my father.

In his book, Outliers, malcolm gladwell explains that to become a master of anything,

practitioners must put in at least 10,000 hours of practice. hours of lessons, application,

refinements, tweaking, the same shot, over and over again. then, one day, just seconds

before the buzzer, that same shot, for the thousandth time -- SWooSh! all net! Victory!

the crowd goes wild. “he’s a natural, a prodigy,” they say, shaking their heads in disbe-

lief. What the crowd never sees are the hours of tedious and solitary practice that their

hero endured to “receive” such a prodigious reward, with such grace.

my father was a high performer. he always delivered. he’d show up, calm and cool in

his Brooks Brothers’ sweater and khaki dress pants, and he casually would knock out the

audience with his homily, lesson plan or lecture. he made it seem so easy. Back at home,

we knew the real reason why my father was blessed with such grace. he worked hard at it!

he put in his 10,000 hours. his entire life seemed a quiet but determined practice to live

his commandments. he said “yes” so that he could experience this invisible god and

discover and master the service for which he was created. only god knew that service.

now in heaven, my father knows, too. If I had to guess, I’d say that my father’s willingness

to say “yes,” followed by his 10,000 hours of practice, brought the mystery of the trinity

to life in him, in our family and in all the lives he touched.

The “Yes” Man

By michele carr

on the night my father died, I took a walk down my block in hoboken to try to grasp the

magnitude of the news. I looked up at the clear dark sky and I thought to myself, “Wow,

he finally did it.” he worked his whole life to be prepared for this moment. he took that

final shot and SWooSh, all net! I could practically hear the celestial crowd going wild,

“yeS, he did it! What a life!”

he was blessed, so we are blessed. thanks, Dad, for saying “yes” to us and for all your

hard work. you mastered your craft. now you finally can get some rest!

Michele Carr, Dr. William Toth’s daughter, lives in New York City with her hus-

band, John. They are expecting their first child in November 2009.

the “yeS” man


4 2 4 3


As a little girl I knelt before You, Lord, my hands folded in prayer.

You told me You would always love me.

You told me You would never leave me.

You told me faith would show me the way.

Was it Your words, God, that inspired me to find

the one who would love me for all of my life?

Was it Your words, God, that roused me to believe

That I could give myself to another and love in return?

Today, I have discovered these are his words, God.

His words when he reads the gospel with those all-knowing nuances

that make him so ethereal to me.


His words that make me feel so special,

that I am like no other in this world to him.

These are his words when he speaks of my lips

as if they were made out of rose petals, “so delicate, so sweet.”

These are his words when he speaks of my face

as if it were etched with Michelangelo’s paint, “so exquisite, so unique.”

Oh God, if only I could express my love for him at every moment,

the way You have always expressed Your love for me.

Oh God, if only we could live each day as if it were the first

in the eyes of this holy union.

Today, I kneel before You, Lord, my hands folded in prayer.

Yes, You have loved me,

And through You, I have learned to love another.

my first understanding of offering myself to another, as a gift, came through marriage.

the question “can you see christ in that person?” needs to be asked at every moment

in marriage. “can I see christ in my spouse?” after all, that was god’s original inten-

tion. “god created man in his own image, in the image of god he created him; male

and female he created them” (gen. 1:27 naSB). as we were all made in his image and

likeness, god has willed for us the same kind of dignity that was meant for all human-

kind. therefore, nothing outside of true married conjugal love between husband and

wife could be considered dignified by god. god has implanted the highest sacredness in

human sexuality and it is with great responsibility that we are all called to carry out the

will of god. pope paul VI speaks of heroic virtue in his encyclical Humanae Vitae and puts

the gIft of Self through marrIage

The Church sees in Mary the highest expression of the “feminine genius” and she finds

in her a source of constant inspiration. mary called herself the “handmaid of

the lord” (lk 1:38). through obedience to the Word of god she accepted her

lofty yet not easy vocation as wife and mother in the family of nazareth. putting

herself at god’s service, she also put herself at the service of others: a service of

love. precisely through this service mary was able to experience in her life a mys-

terious, but authentic “reign.” It is not by chance that she is invoked as “Queen

of heaven and earth.” the entire community of believers thus invokes her; many

nations and peoples call upon her as their “Queen.” For her, “to reign” is to serve!

Her service is “to reign”!1

the most important aspect of pope John paul II’s Theology of the Body that I have been

able to put into practical use in mothering four young children is the gift I have made

of myself to my husband and my children. It is in mary’s gift of herself to god by saying

“yes” that she was able to embrace more fully the transcendent bond that she had with

her Son, our Savior, Jesus christ. there is such an incredible paradox that presents itself

in the reciprocity of self-possession and self-donation. mary, in her innocence, possessed

a splendor that is known only to those with an understanding of what true holiness

means. In marriage, the knowledge of self and the giving of self from one to the other is

an example of communion as was first understood from the beginning of time. In the

conception, birth and rearing of children, we come to understand, in a profound way,

what it means to die to self in order to give life to another. for me, I began to understand

what it meant to offer myself as gift to another within the context of marriage. It also is

through marriage that I have been able to make a gift of myself to my children. finally,

the message of the ultimate trinitarian love and the love expressed within the holy fam-

ily has taught me how my own family can share in the gifts we have to give to one another

in order to help us grow in our faith and love of god.

a few days before my wedding, I presented my husband with a poem I had written to

him, called “god’s Words:”

The Gift of Self Through Marriage

By lesa rossmann, m.a.t.


4 2 4 3


As a little girl I knelt before You, Lord, my hands folded in prayer.

You told me You would always love me.

You told me You would never leave me.

You told me faith would show me the way.

Was it Your words, God, that inspired me to find

the one who would love me for all of my life?

Was it Your words, God, that roused me to believe

That I could give myself to another and love in return?


His words when he reads the gospel with those all-knowing nuances

that make him so ethereal to me.


His words that make me feel so special,

that I am like no other in this world to him.

These are his words when he speaks of my lips

as if they were made out of rose petals, “so delicate, so sweet.”

These are his words when he speaks of my face

as if it were etched with Michelangelo’s paint, “so exquisite, so unique.”

Oh God, if only I could express my love for him at every moment,

the way You have always expressed Your love for me.

Oh God, if only we could live each day as if it were the first

in the eyes of this holy union.

Today, I kneel before You, Lord, my hands folded in prayer.

Yes, You have loved me,

And through You, I have learned to love another.

my first understanding of offering myself to another, as a gift, came through marriage.

the question “can you see christ in that person?” needs to be asked at every moment

in marriage. “can I see christ in my spouse?” after all, that was god’s original inten-

tion. “god created man in his own image, in the image of god he created him; male

and female he created them” (gen. 1:27 naSB). as we were all made in his image and

likeness, god has willed for us the same kind of dignity that was meant for all human-

kind. therefore, nothing outside of true married conjugal love between husband and

wife could be considered dignified by god. god has implanted the highest sacredness in

human sexuality and it is with great responsibility that we are all called to carry out the

will of god. pope paul VI speaks of heroic virtue in his encyclical Humanae Vitae and puts


The Church sees in Mary the highest expression of the “feminine genius” and she finds

in her a source of constant inspiration. mary called herself the “handmaid of

the lord” (lk 1:38). through obedience to the Word of god she accepted her

lofty yet not easy vocation as wife and mother in the family of nazareth. putting

herself at god’s service, she also put herself at the service of others: a service of

love. precisely through this service mary was able to experience in her life a mys-

terious, but authentic “reign.” It is not by chance that she is invoked as “Queen

of heaven and earth.” the entire community of believers thus invokes her; many

nations and peoples call upon her as their “Queen.” For her, “to reign” is to serve!

Her service is “to reign”!1

the most important aspect of pope John paul II’s Theology of the Body that I have been

able to put into practical use in mothering four young children is the gift I have made

of myself to my husband and my children. It is in mary’s gift of herself to god by saying

“yes” that she was able to embrace more fully the transcendent bond that she had with

her Son, our Savior, Jesus christ. there is such an incredible paradox that presents itself

in the reciprocity of self-possession and self-donation. mary, in her innocence, possessed

a splendor that is known only to those with an understanding of what true holiness

means. In marriage, the knowledge of self and the giving of self from one to the other is

an example of communion as was first understood from the beginning of time. In the

conception, birth and rearing of children, we come to understand, in a profound way,

what it means to die to self in order to give life to another. for me, I began to understand

what it meant to offer myself as gift to another within the context of marriage. It also is

through marriage that I have been able to make a gift of myself to my children. finally,

the message of the ultimate trinitarian love and the love expressed within the holy fam-

ily has taught me how my own family can share in the gifts we have to give to one another

in order to help us grow in our faith and love of god.

a few days before my wedding, I presented my husband with a poem I had written to

him, called “god’s Words:”

The Gift of Self Through Marriage

By lesa rossmann, m.a.t.


4 4 4 5



here, the lover has respect for his bride because he knows that he cannot grasp or possess

her. he must trust in the freedom of her self-gift to him.6 In The Theology of the Body, the

metaphors “garden enclosed” and “fountain sealed” reflect the authenticity of the gift of

bride to bridegroom and bridegroom to bride as reflected in the genesis union. today,

through the gift of marriage, I have found myself valuable not only to my spouse but also

to god, for through his mercy I have learned forgiveness.

It is through respect of self that I have learned more deeply how to respect others — most

importantly, my husband. as pope John paul II writes,

this is the first step on the road to chastity: continence subordinated to the

process of objectivization…is necessary if in the midst of the values which ap-

peal to the senses, the value of the person, for which the reason can speak,

is to enter consciousness. thereafter, the value of the person must “take com-

mand,” so to speak, of all that happens in a man. When it does continence

is no longer “blind.” It goes beyond mere self-restraint and interdiction and

permits the mind and the will to “open up” to a value which is both genuine

and superior.7

charlie and I have come to know that our true love is directed toward the true goods and

that when we allow ourselves to give in to “mutual surrender,” our love becomes a giving

away of ourselves to each other. In other words, we learn to treat each other as we treat

ourselves.

In his letter to the ephesians, St. paul speaks of this same mutual respect for each other

even to the point of husbands laying down their lives for their wives just as christ did

for his church:

husbands, love your wives, just as christ loved the church and gave himself

up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through

the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or

wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, hus-

bands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. he who loves his wife loves

himself. after all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it,

just as christ does the church - for we are members of his body. “for this reason

a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two

will become one flesh.” this is a profound mystery - but I am talking about

christ and the church. (eph. 5:25-32 naSB)

In The Theology of the Body, the “language of the body” between husband and wife is both

mystical and liturgical. In pope John paul II’s analysis, the conjugal union had become a

leSa roSSmann

the moral challenge of marital chastity in the context of “endurance.” pope John paul II’s

The Theology of the Body repositions heroic virtue as a way of living a life of sexual love

that can fit into the iconography of marriage. the challenge is to live out our embodi-

ment as male and female — to live sexual love — so that sexual love in marriage becomes

the most illuminating possible icon of self-giving. pope John paul II makes it clear that

self-donation is the only way to true fulfillment and happiness in marriage, and this has

become the standard by which I try to live my life.

It was nearly 10 years ago that my husband, charlie, and I were married before the “eyes”

of god and all present whom we loved and admired. never in my life, until now, would

I have thought that scripture taken from the Song of Songs could rouse the passions of

my lover and spouse. “you have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride; you have stolen my

heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace. how delightful is

your love, my sister, my bride! how much more pleasing is your love than wine, and the

fragrance of your perfume than any spice! your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb,

my bride; milk and honey are under your tongue. the fragrance of your garments is like

that of lebanon” (Song of Sol. 4:9-11 naSB). In the Song of Songs, the lover’s reference

to his beloved is “sister.” In The Theology of the Body, pope John paul II states that the

lover uses the word “sister” because he wants to validate her personhood. In other words,

he recognizes her common humanity and wants to uphold her human dignity. as pope

John paul II explains, “the fact that in this approach that female ‘I’ is revealed for her

groom as ‘sister’--and that precisely as both sister and bride — has a special eloquence.”2

In his book Theology of the Body Explained, christopher West writes, “It reveals that he sees

her not as a thing to be appropriated, but as a person to be loved.”3 this is what John paul

II characterizes as the “fraternal” theme of “mutual entrustment.”4

In christopher West’s Naked Without Shame commentary, he states that lovers need to

recognize each other as brother and sister, before they are able to properly love one an-

other as husband and wife.5 It is precisely this idea of sister and brother that has allowed

charlie and me to know what it means to be truly loving. through the grace of god, we

have discovered what it means to respect each other and love not just as lovers but as

friends. In a class I took with Dr. toth, he explained that the word “intimacy” is derived

from the latin word intima, meaning “sacred ground.” When I heard this, I realized and

appreciated how the gift of marriage is truly a transcendental experience. In other words,

intimacy is not just an experience of one-fleshedness but also an experience of transcen-

dence. charlie and I have been able to share in an experience of god not only with our

bodies but with our minds, hearts and souls. for us, a one-flesh union has become an

act of sacred prayer, which is not only a gift to each other but has become an act of self-

giving to god.

In the Song of Songs, the lover recognizes that his beloved is created “for her own sake.”


4 4 4 5



here, the lover has respect for his bride because he knows that he cannot grasp or possess

her. he must trust in the freedom of her self-gift to him.6 In The Theology of the Body, the

metaphors “garden enclosed” and “fountain sealed” reflect the authenticity of the gift of

bride to bridegroom and bridegroom to bride as reflected in the genesis union. today,

through the gift of marriage, I have found myself valuable not only to my spouse but also

to god, for through his mercy I have learned forgiveness.

It is through respect of self that I have learned more deeply how to respect others — most

importantly, my husband. as pope John paul II writes,

this is the first step on the road to chastity: continence subordinated to the

process of objectivization…is necessary if in the midst of the values which ap-

peal to the senses, the value of the person, for which the reason can speak,

is to enter consciousness. thereafter, the value of the person must “take com-

mand,” so to speak, of all that happens in a man. When it does continence

is no longer “blind.” It goes beyond mere self-restraint and interdiction and

permits the mind and the will to “open up” to a value which is both genuine

and superior.7

charlie and I have come to know that our true love is directed toward the true goods and

that when we allow ourselves to give in to “mutual surrender,” our love becomes a giving

away of ourselves to each other. In other words, we learn to treat each other as we treat

ourselves.

In his letter to the ephesians, St. paul speaks of this same mutual respect for each other

even to the point of husbands laying down their lives for their wives just as christ did

for his church:

husbands, love your wives, just as christ loved the church and gave himself

up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through

the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or

wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, hus-

bands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. he who loves his wife loves

himself. after all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it,

just as christ does the church - for we are members of his body. “for this reason

a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two

will become one flesh.” this is a profound mystery - but I am talking about

christ and the church. (eph. 5:25-32 naSB)

In The Theology of the Body, the “language of the body” between husband and wife is both

mystical and liturgical. In pope John paul II’s analysis, the conjugal union had become a

leSa roSSmann

the moral challenge of marital chastity in the context of “endurance.” pope John paul II’s

The Theology of the Body repositions heroic virtue as a way of living a life of sexual love

that can fit into the iconography of marriage. the challenge is to live out our embodi-

ment as male and female — to live sexual love — so that sexual love in marriage becomes

the most illuminating possible icon of self-giving. pope John paul II makes it clear that

self-donation is the only way to true fulfillment and happiness in marriage, and this has

become the standard by which I try to live my life.

It was nearly 10 years ago that my husband, charlie, and I were married before the “eyes”

of god and all present whom we loved and admired. never in my life, until now, would

I have thought that scripture taken from the Song of Songs could rouse the passions of

my lover and spouse. “you have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride; you have stolen my

heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace. how delightful is

your love, my sister, my bride! how much more pleasing is your love than wine, and the

fragrance of your perfume than any spice! your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb,

my bride; milk and honey are under your tongue. the fragrance of your garments is like

that of lebanon” (Song of Sol. 4:9-11 naSB). In the Song of Songs, the lover’s reference

to his beloved is “sister.” In The Theology of the Body, pope John paul II states that the

lover uses the word “sister” because he wants to validate her personhood. In other words,

he recognizes her common humanity and wants to uphold her human dignity. as pope

John paul II explains, “the fact that in this approach that female ‘I’ is revealed for her

groom as ‘sister’--and that precisely as both sister and bride — has a special eloquence.”2

In his book Theology of the Body Explained, christopher West writes, “It reveals that he sees

her not as a thing to be appropriated, but as a person to be loved.”3 this is what John paul

II characterizes as the “fraternal” theme of “mutual entrustment.”4

In christopher West’s Naked Without Shame commentary, he states that lovers need to

recognize each other as brother and sister, before they are able to properly love one an-

other as husband and wife.5 It is precisely this idea of sister and brother that has allowed

charlie and me to know what it means to be truly loving. through the grace of god, we

have discovered what it means to respect each other and love not just as lovers but as

friends. In a class I took with Dr. toth, he explained that the word “intimacy” is derived

from the latin word intima, meaning “sacred ground.” When I heard this, I realized and

appreciated how the gift of marriage is truly a transcendental experience. In other words,

intimacy is not just an experience of one-fleshedness but also an experience of transcen-

dence. charlie and I have been able to share in an experience of god not only with our

bodies but with our minds, hearts and souls. for us, a one-flesh union has become an

act of sacred prayer, which is not only a gift to each other but has become an act of self-

giving to god.

In the Song of Songs, the lover recognizes that his beloved is created “for her own sake.”


4 6 4 7



responds to the personal dignity of the spouses and to the truth of the conjugal act.

responsible parenthood comes from faith in god and recognition of the many great

spiritual blessings of family life. responsible parenthood also comes from self-mastery,

continence and chastity. Self-mastery, continence and chastity involve seeing the good

and directing the passions and emotions toward the good. christopher West states that

the truly free man is one who is under no compulsion to act in one way or another. he

is able to see the good, direct his passions and emotions toward the good, and choose it

freely. this freedom is one of the distinguishing factors that makes a man a person. With-

out self-mastery, love is impossible.11 pope John paul II states that continence through

abstinence leads to self-mastery and chastity through the capacity to resist, which leads

to an enrichment of the “marital dialogue of the couple, purifying it, deepening it, and at

the same time, simplifying it.”12 In St. paul’s second letter to the corinthians, he wrote,

“Since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that

contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for god” (2 cor. 7:1

naSB). With four young children running around our home, it seems almost impossible

that charlie and I ever would have a moment for passion. however, when the need to

remind ourselves of the importance of purity and chastity arises, we need only look at the

purity and innocence of our four wonderful children.

one of the most beautiful passages in the Bible for marriage and family is found in the

first letter to the corinthians, “love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not

boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps

no record of wrongs. love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always

protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (1 cor. 13:4-7 naSB). the power

to love has been poured into our hearts by the holy Spirit. according to the church, this

“power,” because it is of god and not of man, makes it possible to meet the demands of

love. love is a power given to us by god to help sustain the true meaning of the conjugal

act so that there is no separation between the unitive meaning and the procreative mean-

ing. It is this regard for the truth that bolsters deep respect for each other in the married

relationship. In Theology of the Body, pope John paul II wrote,

love itself makes possible and brings about conjugal dialogue according to the

full truth of the life of the spouses. at the same time love is a power or a capac-

ity of a moral nature, actively oriented toward the fullness of good and for this

reason toward every true good. that is, it concerns protecting both the value of

the true union of the couple (that is, the personal communion) and the value

of responsible fatherhood and motherhood (in the form that is mature and

worthy of man).13

this mutual gift of the person in marriage opens itself up to the gift of a new life, and a

new human being, who also is a person in the likeness of his parents.

leSa roSSmann

sign of the great mystery and sacramentally expressed in the language of the liturgy. an

interesting reference to this is found in christopher West’s Naked Without Shame, when he

speaks of the “marital bed” as an “altar” and a place where spouses can offer their “bod-

ies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to god — this is your spiritual act of worship”

(rom. 12:1 naSB). In this way, the conjugal union becomes a spiritual act of worship.

charlie and I keep a crucifix above our bed and this has become a constant reminder

of the responsibility we have to each other to live out our vocation as a married couple

within the context of authentic love. from Dr. toth, I learned that true authentic love is

faithful, permanent, exclusive and fruitful. therefore, our marital bed had to become a

place of worship — a place where all that transpired would be holy and acceptable to

god — a place where something of heaven would be tasted.

there is an inseparability of man and woman that has existed from the beginning. In the

second creation story, after god created eve, adam said, “this is now bone of my bones

and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man” (gen.

2:23 naSB). In Humanae Vitae, pope paul VI wrote about the inseparability of unity and

procreation and stated that there is an “… inseparable connection, established by god,

which man on his own initiative may not break, between the unitive significance and the

procreative significance which are both inherent to the marriage act.”8 Similarly, pope

John paul II wrote, “Such a violation of the interior order of conjugal union which is

rooted in the very order of the person, constitutes the essential evil of the contraceptive

act.”9 therefore, the very meaning of the word contraception being “against life” becomes

the bodily lie. contraception makes an act predisposed to good an intrinsic evil. accord-

ing to christopher West, contraception is a “counter-sign of the ‘great mystery’ of creation

and redemption.”10

Since charlie and I both came from divorced parents, we were looking for an “insur-

ance policy” on our marriage from the onset — something that would ensure that our

marriage would last forever. When we heard about natural family planning (nfp) at

engaged encounter, the couples running the retreat said that although most couples had

a divorce rate of more than 50 percent, those who practiced nfp had a divorce rate of

less than two percent. We didn’t know that nfp was about female fertility awareness. We

didn’t know that nfp utilized three signs to determine when I was ovulating. We didn’t

even know that nfp meant that couples shared a greater degree of intimacy because

abstaining meant that a couple would have to find more extraordinary ways to show af-

fection for each other. charlie and I only knew that nfp was for us because it meant the

word “divorce” never would exist in our vocabulary. It is quite possible that to this day

nfp has saved our marriage and has made it grow stronger and richer than we otherwise

might have known.

according to both paul VI and John paul II, parenthood is responsible when it cor-


4 6 4 7



responds to the personal dignity of the spouses and to the truth of the conjugal act.

responsible parenthood comes from faith in god and recognition of the many great

spiritual blessings of family life. responsible parenthood also comes from self-mastery,

continence and chastity. Self-mastery, continence and chastity involve seeing the good

and directing the passions and emotions toward the good. christopher West states that

the truly free man is one who is under no compulsion to act in one way or another. he

is able to see the good, direct his passions and emotions toward the good, and choose it

freely. this freedom is one of the distinguishing factors that makes a man a person. With-

out self-mastery, love is impossible.11 pope John paul II states that continence through

abstinence leads to self-mastery and chastity through the capacity to resist, which leads

to an enrichment of the “marital dialogue of the couple, purifying it, deepening it, and at

the same time, simplifying it.”12 In St. paul’s second letter to the corinthians, he wrote,

“Since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that

contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for god” (2 cor. 7:1

naSB). With four young children running around our home, it seems almost impossible

that charlie and I ever would have a moment for passion. however, when the need to

remind ourselves of the importance of purity and chastity arises, we need only look at the

purity and innocence of our four wonderful children.

one of the most beautiful passages in the Bible for marriage and family is found in the

first letter to the corinthians, “love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not

boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps

no record of wrongs. love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always

protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (1 cor. 13:4-7 naSB). the power

to love has been poured into our hearts by the holy Spirit. according to the church, this

“power,” because it is of god and not of man, makes it possible to meet the demands of

love. love is a power given to us by god to help sustain the true meaning of the conjugal

act so that there is no separation between the unitive meaning and the procreative mean-

ing. It is this regard for the truth that bolsters deep respect for each other in the married

relationship. In Theology of the Body, pope John paul II wrote,

love itself makes possible and brings about conjugal dialogue according to the

full truth of the life of the spouses. at the same time love is a power or a capac-

ity of a moral nature, actively oriented toward the fullness of good and for this

reason toward every true good. that is, it concerns protecting both the value of

the true union of the couple (that is, the personal communion) and the value

of responsible fatherhood and motherhood (in the form that is mature and

worthy of man).13

this mutual gift of the person in marriage opens itself up to the gift of a new life, and a

new human being, who also is a person in the likeness of his parents.

leSa roSSmann

sign of the great mystery and sacramentally expressed in the language of the liturgy. an

interesting reference to this is found in christopher West’s Naked Without Shame, when he

speaks of the “marital bed” as an “altar” and a place where spouses can offer their “bod-

ies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to god — this is your spiritual act of worship”

(rom. 12:1 naSB). In this way, the conjugal union becomes a spiritual act of worship.

charlie and I keep a crucifix above our bed and this has become a constant reminder

of the responsibility we have to each other to live out our vocation as a married couple

within the context of authentic love. from Dr. toth, I learned that true authentic love is

faithful, permanent, exclusive and fruitful. therefore, our marital bed had to become a

place of worship — a place where all that transpired would be holy and acceptable to

god — a place where something of heaven would be tasted.

there is an inseparability of man and woman that has existed from the beginning. In the

second creation story, after god created eve, adam said, “this is now bone of my bones

and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man” (gen.

2:23 naSB). In Humanae Vitae, pope paul VI wrote about the inseparability of unity and

procreation and stated that there is an “… inseparable connection, established by god,

which man on his own initiative may not break, between the unitive significance and the

procreative significance which are both inherent to the marriage act.”8 Similarly, pope

John paul II wrote, “Such a violation of the interior order of conjugal union which is

rooted in the very order of the person, constitutes the essential evil of the contraceptive

act.”9 therefore, the very meaning of the word contraception being “against life” becomes

the bodily lie. contraception makes an act predisposed to good an intrinsic evil. accord-

ing to christopher West, contraception is a “counter-sign of the ‘great mystery’ of creation

and redemption.”10

Since charlie and I both came from divorced parents, we were looking for an “insur-

ance policy” on our marriage from the onset — something that would ensure that our

marriage would last forever. When we heard about natural family planning (nfp) at

engaged encounter, the couples running the retreat said that although most couples had

a divorce rate of more than 50 percent, those who practiced nfp had a divorce rate of

less than two percent. We didn’t know that nfp was about female fertility awareness. We

didn’t know that nfp utilized three signs to determine when I was ovulating. We didn’t

even know that nfp meant that couples shared a greater degree of intimacy because

abstaining meant that a couple would have to find more extraordinary ways to show af-

fection for each other. charlie and I only knew that nfp was for us because it meant the

word “divorce” never would exist in our vocabulary. It is quite possible that to this day

nfp has saved our marriage and has made it grow stronger and richer than we otherwise

might have known.

according to both paul VI and John paul II, parenthood is responsible when it cor-


4 8 4 9



this great icon of marriage, there still remains what god had intended in the union of a

man and a woman: children and family. one might consider how a husband, wife and

child might mirror the holy trinity. like the persons of the trinity, there is an inner re-

lational dynamism that exists in the life of the family as well as in the life of the church.

In Mulieris Dignitatem, pope John paul II wrote, “according to the Bible, the conception

and birth of a new human being are accompanied by the following words of the woman:

‘I have brought a man into being with the help of the Lord’ (gen. 4:1).. the eternal mystery

of generation, which is in god himself, the one and triune god (cf. eph. 3:14-15), is

reflected in the woman’s motherhood and in the man’s fatherhood. human parenthood

is something shared by both the man and the woman. even if the woman, out of love for

her husband, says: ‘I have given you a child’, her words also mean: ‘this is our child.’”16

over the last 10 years, my husband, charlie, and I have been blessed beyond measure

with our four beautiful children. pope John paul II summed up the importance of a man

and a woman joined in marriage and the centrality of the family in our culture,

mankind’s future rests in, and depends upon, the family, more than any other

society, institution, or environment. this truth rang out in abram’s conversa-

tion with god heard moments ago in the reading of the expressive page from

genesis: “your reward shall be very great,” the lord promised to his friend.

“What will you give me, lord?” abram asked with a shade of skepticism, “for

I continue childless...”(cf. gen. 15:2). abram’s dejected prostration will be fol-

lowed by his joy when, “at the time of which god had spoken to him” (gen.

21:2) Sarah will give him a son. mankind’s future is, first of all, man himself. It

is man born from man: from a father and a mother, from a man and a woman.

for this reason, mankind’s future is determined in the family.17

yes, it is true that the gift of marriage has made my life complete. It is also true that god

has blessed my marriage beyond any dream with four beautiful children. however, the

most important truth will come to pass with the hope that our faith-filled children will,

one day, share their love of god and their own gift of self with future generations.

Lesa is a 2008 graduate of Immaculate Conception Seminary School of Theol-

ogy and was a student of Dr. Toth. She and her husband, Charlie, are youth

ministers at St. Mary’s Parish in Dumont, NJ, where she also plays organ and

piano and sings. Lesa currently is writing her first pro-life fictional mystery

novel, “The Bloodstone Legacy,” which she plans to complete in 2009. Lesa

and Charlie reside in Dumont with their four young children: Xavier, Blaise,

Jude and Seraphina.

leSa roSSmann

through marriage, I also have been able to make a gift of myself to my children. Because

of nfp, charlie and I were able to conceive our first child quickly. I always was the type

of person that didn’t believe in miracles until that remarkable day nearly eight years ago

when Xavier, our first son, was born. Since then, we have been blessed with three more

children: Blaise, Jude and Seraphina.

for me, being a mother has been a series of moments of love that I try to lock into my

memory, for I know that time is fleeting, and I want to remember this special bond. In

his encyclical, Mulieris Digitatem, pope John paul II wrote,

motherhood implies from the beginning a special openness to the new person:

and this is precisely the woman’s “part”. In this openness, in conceiving and giv-

ing birth to a child, the woman “discovers herself through a sincere gift of self.”

the gift of interior readiness to accept the child and bring it into the world is

linked to the marriage union, which - as mentioned earlier - should constitute a

special moment in the mutual self-giving both by the woman and the man.14

the sum total of marriage is a gift of self between a man and woman that is so extraordi-

narily powerful that it produces another, in the image and likeness of the husband and

the wife.

Some of the most intimate moments that charlie and I possess are when we pray to-

gether each morning. During these moments, we can sense the movement of the holy

Spirit who is active in our lives and in our marriage. marital spirituality is based on the

gifts of love that are given through the Spirit. this is expressed by pope John paul II, “the

fundamental element of the spirituality of married life is the love poured out into the

hearts of the couple as a gift of the holy Spirit…chastity lies at the center of the spiri-

tuality of marriage, not only as a moral virtue (formed by love), but likewise as a virtue

connected with the gifts of the holy Spirit — above all, the gift of respect for what comes

from god.”15 John paul II said that mary, in being a “gift” to her Son, was a gift to the

entire human race. our redemption is based on the relationship that mary had as mother

to Jesus and as wife to Joseph, on the love of persons in marriage, the begetting of a child,

the intentionality of marriage in its original state and the Word made flesh.

this leads to my final point of utilizing the love shared by the holy family as a model

for my own family, as we share our gifts with one another and to help each other to grow

in our own journey of faith and love of god. I often contemplate what the dynamics

must have been like within the holy family. What an authentic love and friendship that

Joseph and mary must have shared! It is nearly impossible to fully comprehend their

personal and intimate experience of the trinity and their total gift of self to one another

for the sake of the Son of god, himself! no matter how difficult it might be to ponder


4 8 4 9



this great icon of marriage, there still remains what god had intended in the union of a

man and a woman: children and family. one might consider how a husband, wife and

child might mirror the holy trinity. like the persons of the trinity, there is an inner re-

lational dynamism that exists in the life of the family as well as in the life of the church.

In Mulieris Dignitatem, pope John paul II wrote, “according to the Bible, the conception

and birth of a new human being are accompanied by the following words of the woman:

‘I have brought a man into being with the help of the Lord’ (gen. 4:1).. the eternal mystery

of generation, which is in god himself, the one and triune god (cf. eph. 3:14-15), is

reflected in the woman’s motherhood and in the man’s fatherhood. human parenthood

is something shared by both the man and the woman. even if the woman, out of love for

her husband, says: ‘I have given you a child’, her words also mean: ‘this is our child.’”16

over the last 10 years, my husband, charlie, and I have been blessed beyond measure

with our four beautiful children. pope John paul II summed up the importance of a man

and a woman joined in marriage and the centrality of the family in our culture,

mankind’s future rests in, and depends upon, the family, more than any other

society, institution, or environment. this truth rang out in abram’s conversa-

tion with god heard moments ago in the reading of the expressive page from

genesis: “your reward shall be very great,” the lord promised to his friend.

“What will you give me, lord?” abram asked with a shade of skepticism, “for

I continue childless...”(cf. gen. 15:2). abram’s dejected prostration will be fol-

lowed by his joy when, “at the time of which god had spoken to him” (gen.

21:2) Sarah will give him a son. mankind’s future is, first of all, man himself. It

is man born from man: from a father and a mother, from a man and a woman.

for this reason, mankind’s future is determined in the family.17

yes, it is true that the gift of marriage has made my life complete. It is also true that god

has blessed my marriage beyond any dream with four beautiful children. however, the

most important truth will come to pass with the hope that our faith-filled children will,

one day, share their love of god and their own gift of self with future generations.

Lesa is a 2008 graduate of Immaculate Conception Seminary School of Theol-

ogy and was a student of Dr. Toth. She and her husband, Charlie, are youth

ministers at St. Mary’s Parish in Dumont, NJ, where she also plays organ and

piano and sings. Lesa currently is writing her first pro-life fictional mystery

novel, “The Bloodstone Legacy,” which she plans to complete in 2009. Lesa

and Charlie reside in Dumont with their four young children: Xavier, Blaise,

Jude and Seraphina.

leSa roSSmann

through marriage, I also have been able to make a gift of myself to my children. Because

of nfp, charlie and I were able to conceive our first child quickly. I always was the type

of person that didn’t believe in miracles until that remarkable day nearly eight years ago

when Xavier, our first son, was born. Since then, we have been blessed with three more

children: Blaise, Jude and Seraphina.

for me, being a mother has been a series of moments of love that I try to lock into my

memory, for I know that time is fleeting, and I want to remember this special bond. In

his encyclical, Mulieris Digitatem, pope John paul II wrote,

motherhood implies from the beginning a special openness to the new person:

and this is precisely the woman’s “part”. In this openness, in conceiving and giv-

ing birth to a child, the woman “discovers herself through a sincere gift of self.”

the gift of interior readiness to accept the child and bring it into the world is

linked to the marriage union, which - as mentioned earlier - should constitute a

special moment in the mutual self-giving both by the woman and the man.14

the sum total of marriage is a gift of self between a man and woman that is so extraordi-

narily powerful that it produces another, in the image and likeness of the husband and

the wife.

Some of the most intimate moments that charlie and I possess are when we pray to-

gether each morning. During these moments, we can sense the movement of the holy

Spirit who is active in our lives and in our marriage. marital spirituality is based on the

gifts of love that are given through the Spirit. this is expressed by pope John paul II, “the

fundamental element of the spirituality of married life is the love poured out into the

hearts of the couple as a gift of the holy Spirit…chastity lies at the center of the spiri-

tuality of marriage, not only as a moral virtue (formed by love), but likewise as a virtue

connected with the gifts of the holy Spirit — above all, the gift of respect for what comes

from god.”15 John paul II said that mary, in being a “gift” to her Son, was a gift to the

entire human race. our redemption is based on the relationship that mary had as mother

to Jesus and as wife to Joseph, on the love of persons in marriage, the begetting of a child,

the intentionality of marriage in its original state and the Word made flesh.

this leads to my final point of utilizing the love shared by the holy family as a model

for my own family, as we share our gifts with one another and to help each other to grow

in our own journey of faith and love of god. I often contemplate what the dynamics

must have been like within the holy family. What an authentic love and friendship that

Joseph and mary must have shared! It is nearly impossible to fully comprehend their

personal and intimate experience of the trinity and their total gift of self to one another

for the sake of the Son of god, himself! no matter how difficult it might be to ponder


5 0 51


“The Generational Blessing”

by Kathleen Fitzpatrick

Church of Christ the King, Morristown, NJ

respect for human life—from the womb to the tomb—is a virtue that my family holds near and dear.

living this out, however, requires an understanding of the fragility of the life cycle. While I under-

stood this to be true in reason, I did not understand it in my heart until I saw this photo developed.

this is a picture of my grandfather and my sister. What is so significant about this moment is that as

my family faced the final stages of my pop pop’s life there was an anticipated excitement of new life

looming on the horizon. What an emotional conflict to be grieving the soon to be loss of a larger

than life man while simultaneously filled with joy at the excitement of a new baby.

as the ultimate provider and protector of our large family, my grandfather, even in his final days,

understood the importance of giving the next generation his blessing. although these two great men

never met, their passing like ships in the night not only unites them to one another but provides a

comforting approach to the unknown mystery of life.

leSa roSSmann

noteS

1. John paul II, Letter of Pope John Paul II to Women, 10.

2. pope John paul II, The Theology of the Body, Human Love in the Divine Plan

(Boston: pauline Books & media, 1997), 372.

3. christopher West, Theology of the Body Explained, A Commentary on John Paul II’s

“Gospel of the Body” (Boston: pauline Books & media, 2003), 402.

4. Ibid., 401.

5. christopher West, Naked without Shame, Sex and the Christian Mystery, Reflections

on Pope John Paul II’s Theology of the Body (carpentersville, Il: the gIft foundation,

2000), 60.

6. Ibid., 61.

7. Karol Wojtyla, Love & Responsibility (San francisco: Ignatius press, 1993), 198.

8. paul VI, encyclical, Humane Vitae, 12.

9. pope John paul II, The Theology of the Body, Human Love in the Divine Plan, 398.

10. christopher West, Theology of the Body Explained, 419.

11. christopher West, Naked without Shame, 67.


13. Ibid., 406.

14. John paul II, apostolic letter, Mulieris Dignitatem, 18.


16. John paul II, Mulieris Dignitatem, 18.

17. matthew e. Bunson, Papal Wisdom, Words of Hope and Inspiration from John Paul II

(new york: penguin group, 1995), 29.


5 0 51


“The Generational Blessing”



respect for human life—from the womb to the tomb—is a virtue that my family holds near and dear.

living this out, however, requires an understanding of the fragility of the life cycle. While I under-

stood this to be true in reason, I did not understand it in my heart until I saw this photo developed.

this is a picture of my grandfather and my sister. What is so significant about this moment is that as

my family faced the final stages of my pop pop’s life there was an anticipated excitement of new life

looming on the horizon. What an emotional conflict to be grieving the soon to be loss of a larger

than life man while simultaneously filled with joy at the excitement of a new baby.

as the ultimate provider and protector of our large family, my grandfather, even in his final days,

understood the importance of giving the next generation his blessing. although these two great men

never met, their passing like ships in the night not only unites them to one another but provides a

comforting approach to the unknown mystery of life.

leSa roSSmann

noteS

1. John paul II, Letter of Pope John Paul II to Women, 10.

2. pope John paul II, The Theology of the Body, Human Love in the Divine Plan

(Boston: pauline Books & media, 1997), 372.

3. christopher West, Theology of the Body Explained, A Commentary on John Paul II’s

“Gospel of the Body” (Boston: pauline Books & media, 2003), 402.

4. Ibid., 401.

5. christopher West, Naked without Shame, Sex and the Christian Mystery, Reflections

on Pope John Paul II’s Theology of the Body (carpentersville, Il: the gIft foundation,

2000), 60.

6. Ibid., 61.

7. Karol Wojtyla, Love & Responsibility (San francisco: Ignatius press, 1993), 198.

8. paul VI, encyclical, Humane Vitae, 12.


10. christopher West, Theology of the Body Explained, 419.

11. christopher West, Naked without Shame, 67.


13. Ibid., 406.

14. John paul II, apostolic letter, Mulieris Dignitatem, 18.


16. John paul II, Mulieris Dignitatem, 18.

17. matthew e. Bunson, Papal Wisdom, Words of Hope and Inspiration from John Paul II

(new york: penguin group, 1995), 29.


5 2 5 3


yes! there is a plenty there,

Knights without reproach or fear,

Such St. Denys, such St. george,

martin, maurice, theodore,

and a hundred thousand more;

guerdon gain’d and warfare o’er,

By that sea without a surge,

and beneath the eternal sky,

and the beatific Sun,

In Jerusalem above,

Valentine is every one;

choose from out that company

Whom to serve, and whom to love.

the oratory.

1850

In 1974, when I was four years old, my father was 34. he was the head of the history

Department at a diocesan school in upstate new york. although he donned turtlenecks

and a snug, large print, wooly blazer to work, I liked to think he wore those according the

haute couture of the mid-1970s, and not because he was a nerd. In reality, my father’s “ner-

dentials” were above reproach: gifted student, champion debater, president of his high

school student body and winner of countless scholarships. years later, he would receive

his doctoral degree in theology. my father took a back seat to no other brainiac.

there were contradictions with my father, too. In the ’70s, nerds did not root for the

oakland raiders or rock out to Johnny cash as my dad did. they most certainly did not

blast their 8-track cassettes as they cruised up the new york State thruway in moss green,

souped-up pontiac muscle cars. any way you sliced it, my father was so darn cool to this

little girl -- and despite the oakland raiders thing, he was foremost a loving father and a

gentleman. he was my first love and Valentine.

at an early age, though, I realized the pangs of anxiety which naturally accompany all

great loves: the body-seizing, “uh-oh! What-if-he-bails-on-me?” moment that has rocked

female hearts since antiquity. at four, my little heart was in his hands, and I knew it. I

started to imagine what would happen if one day my father just didn’t come home from

work (a nightmare scenario for most four-year-olds). I confided these fears to my mother,

and a few days later she read me the following letter: “Dearest Karen, So you cried when you

found out that your Daddy wasn’t home. Don’t worry, Karen: Daddy will be home because he

loves you very, very much. Daddy”

ValentIne to a lIttle gIrl

Valentine to a Little GirlBy John henry cardinal newman

little maiden, dost thou pine

for a faithful Valentine?

art thou scanning timidly

every face that meets thine eye?

art thou fancying there may be

fairer face than thou dost see?

little maiden, scholar mine,

Wouldst thou have a Valentine?

go and ask, my little child,

ask the mother undefiled:

ask, for she will draw thee near,

and will whisper in thine ear:-

“Valentine! the name is good;

for it comes of lineage high,

and a famous family:

and it tells of gentle blood,

noble blood, and nobler still,

for its owner freely pour’d

every drop there was to spill

In the quarrel of his lord.

Valentine! I know the name,

many martyrs bear the same;

and they stand in glittering ring

round their warrior god and King,

Who before and for them bled,

With their robes of ruby red,

and their swords of cherub flame.”

Valentine to a Little Girl

By Karen Boushelle


5 2 5 3


yes! there is a plenty there,

Knights without reproach or fear,

Such St. Denys, such St. george,

martin, maurice, theodore,

and a hundred thousand more;

guerdon gain’d and warfare o’er,

By that sea without a surge,

and beneath the eternal sky,

and the beatific Sun,

In Jerusalem above,

Valentine is every one;

choose from out that company

Whom to serve, and whom to love.

the oratory.

1850

In 1974, when I was four years old, my father was 34. he was the head of the history

Department at a diocesan school in upstate new york. although he donned turtlenecks

and a snug, large print, wooly blazer to work, I liked to think he wore those according the

haute couture of the mid-1970s, and not because he was a nerd. In reality, my father’s “ner-

dentials” were above reproach: gifted student, champion debater, president of his high

school student body and winner of countless scholarships. years later, he would receive

his doctoral degree in theology. my father took a back seat to no other brainiac.

there were contradictions with my father, too. In the ’70s, nerds did not root for the

oakland raiders or rock out to Johnny cash as my dad did. they most certainly did not

blast their 8-track cassettes as they cruised up the new york State thruway in moss green,

souped-up pontiac muscle cars. any way you sliced it, my father was so darn cool to this

little girl -- and despite the oakland raiders thing, he was foremost a loving father and a

gentleman. he was my first love and Valentine.

at an early age, though, I realized the pangs of anxiety which naturally accompany all

great loves: the body-seizing, “uh-oh! What-if-he-bails-on-me?” moment that has rocked

female hearts since antiquity. at four, my little heart was in his hands, and I knew it. I

started to imagine what would happen if one day my father just didn’t come home from

work (a nightmare scenario for most four-year-olds). I confided these fears to my mother,

and a few days later she read me the following letter: “Dearest Karen, So you cried when you

found out that your Daddy wasn’t home. Don’t worry, Karen: Daddy will be home because he

loves you very, very much. Daddy”

ValentIne to a lIttle gIrl

Valentine to a Little GirlBy John henry cardinal newman

little maiden, dost thou pine

for a faithful Valentine?

art thou scanning timidly

every face that meets thine eye?

art thou fancying there may be

fairer face than thou dost see?

little maiden, scholar mine,

Wouldst thou have a Valentine?

go and ask, my little child,

ask the mother undefiled:

ask, for she will draw thee near,

and will whisper in thine ear:-

“Valentine! the name is good;

for it comes of lineage high,

and a famous family:

and it tells of gentle blood,

noble blood, and nobler still,

for its owner freely pour’d

every drop there was to spill

In the quarrel of his lord.

Valentine! I know the name,

many martyrs bear the same;

and they stand in glittering ring

round their warrior god and King,

Who before and for them bled,

With their robes of ruby red,

and their swords of cherub flame.”

Valentine to a Little Girl

By Karen Boushelle


5 4 5 5


Karen BouShelle

my father easily could have used a number of seemingly more effective and convincing

approaches in his letter, like the breaking-the-bad-news approach: “Pumpkin, that’s what

dads do: we leave and go to work every day.” he didn’t use the quick, pay-out approach:

“Let’s go get you that big, red bicycle you want on Saturday” as restitution for the anxiety I had

endured, nor did he go for the big-daddy-self-promo approach: “Some days, nights and

weekends, I might work really late, and let’s not forget the travel, but I’m bringing home the bacon

so I can buy you….” Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t have turned down a bike or debated

anything he wrote in his letter. after all, I was only four. But thankfully, my father spared

me all the gobbledy-gook and double-talk. the words “daddy will be home” were written,

as St. Vincent De paul says, “with the simplicity of a dove.” and so, there it was: I kept his

letter, and he kept his word.

cardinal newman’s poem gets it right: there aren’t many who truly are as worthy of a

little girl’s love as the martyrs and saints. But there are honorable and good men like my

father who trust in the promises Jesus has made to them and live with the intention of

keeping the promises they’ve made to god. they are our reliable superheroes, chivalrous

knights and worthy Valentines, who, as St. paul says, “fight the good fight, run the good

race and keep the faith.” our hearts are safe with them.

Karen Boushelle, Dr. William Toth’s daughter, lives in Columbus, Ohio with

her husband, Joe, and their four children.“A Loving Touch”

by Devon Henderson

St. Barnabas, Bayville, NJ

Monsignor Donovan High School

I saw god in my family when I watched each and every one of them taking time out of their lives

to take care of my great grandmother who was diagnosed with alzheimer’s disease nearly 11 years

ago. alzheimer’s disease is one of the most difficult diseases to deal with. It may not affect the

body physically until the disease has truly taken over the person’s body and you literally watch

your loved one forget everything about who you are and most difficult, who they are. even with

the great difficulty this disease places on a person’s family, I never saw my family react negatively

to my great grandmother. We loved her unconditionally….

I believe I saw god in my family in those 11 years caring for her until her unfortunate passing this

past november. I believe I am still seeing my family’s unconditional love for my great grandmother

after her passing….

through my nanny, I have learned to appreciate every day as if it was my last because it is a gift

from god.


5 4 5 5


Karen BouShelle

my father easily could have used a number of seemingly more effective and convincing

approaches in his letter, like the breaking-the-bad-news approach: “Pumpkin, that’s what

dads do: we leave and go to work every day.” he didn’t use the quick, pay-out approach:

“Let’s go get you that big, red bicycle you want on Saturday” as restitution for the anxiety I had

endured, nor did he go for the big-daddy-self-promo approach: “Some days, nights and

weekends, I might work really late, and let’s not forget the travel, but I’m bringing home the bacon

so I can buy you….” Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t have turned down a bike or debated

anything he wrote in his letter. after all, I was only four. But thankfully, my father spared

me all the gobbledy-gook and double-talk. the words “daddy will be home” were written,

as St. Vincent De paul says, “with the simplicity of a dove.” and so, there it was: I kept his

letter, and he kept his word.

cardinal newman’s poem gets it right: there aren’t many who truly are as worthy of a

little girl’s love as the martyrs and saints. But there are honorable and good men like my

father who trust in the promises Jesus has made to them and live with the intention of

keeping the promises they’ve made to god. they are our reliable superheroes, chivalrous

knights and worthy Valentines, who, as St. paul says, “fight the good fight, run the good

race and keep the faith.” our hearts are safe with them.

Karen Boushelle, Dr. William Toth’s daughter, lives in Columbus, Ohio with

her husband, Joe, and their four children.“A Loving Touch”

by Devon Henderson

St. Barnabas, Bayville, NJ

Monsignor Donovan High School

I saw god in my family when I watched each and every one of them taking time out of their lives

to take care of my great grandmother who was diagnosed with alzheimer’s disease nearly 11 years

ago. alzheimer’s disease is one of the most difficult diseases to deal with. It may not affect the

body physically until the disease has truly taken over the person’s body and you literally watch

your loved one forget everything about who you are and most difficult, who they are. even with

the great difficulty this disease places on a person’s family, I never saw my family react negatively

to my great grandmother. We loved her unconditionally….

I believe I saw god in my family in those 11 years caring for her until her unfortunate passing this

past november. I believe I am still seeing my family’s unconditional love for my great grandmother

after her passing….

through my nanny, I have learned to appreciate every day as if it was my last because it is a gift

from god.


5 6 5 7


the wonderful story of the Wedding feast of cana comes from the second chapter of

John’s gospel and has been represented and depicted over the millenia through count-

less art forms. In the louvre, there is an immense 22‘ x 27‘ painting, The Wedding Feast

at Cana, by paolo Veronese. on this tremendous renaissance canvas, there are over 130

figures that crowd the painting. In this masterpiece, the figure of Jesus is almost perfectly

centered in the painting. his eyes are the only ones that are fixed and directed at someone

observing this work of art. this is a reminder that christ not only has to be at the center

of any marriage, but that he calls out and invites us to join him at a joyous banquet that

brings god and mankind together through the Sacrament of marriage.

this essay will address three themes that are important for couples to consider as they

reflect on the sacred nature of their union: an examination of the symbolism in the Wed-

ding at cana, the implications of that symbolism for a covenantal relationship between

two people who are joined in marriage and a discussion of marriage as a Sacrament of

Vocation.

Symbolism in the Storyfrom a pastoral perspective, the Wedding feast at cana is important because in this

gospel account, Jesus is invited to a wedding, he attends and he uses his divine power

to save the celebration from disaster due to a lack of wine. tradition always has held that

Jesus sanctified the institution of marriage through his presence at the wedding feast.

the wedding feast also exemplifies how the Kingdom of god became present to those

at the banquet and symbolically to the people of Israel. In both the old and the new

testaments, the images of a banquet, wine and a wedding are used to illustrate the glory

and the joys of the coming of the Kingdom of god. an example is found in the Book

of Isaiah, “on this mountain the lord of hosts will make for all peoples a feast of rich

foods and choice wine, juicy rich food and pure choice wine, on this mountain, he will

destroy the veil that veils all peoples” (Isa. 25:6-7 naB). a similar reference is found in

the Book of revelation, “alleluia, the lord has established his reign, god the almighty.

let us rejoice and be glad and give him glory. the wedding day of the lamb has come”

Covenantal and Vocational Aspects of Marriage


(rev. 19:7 naB). these passages are significant because they convey the joy, feasting and

abundance that will be experienced when the veil that shields god and man is parted.

this union between god and man is expressed in Scripture through the imagery of a

banquet and a wedding.

god’s union with man, his beloved creation, is achieved through the marriage of his Son

to the faithful who are joined to him through his body and blood. St. augustine wrote,

“for the Word was the bridegroom and human flesh was the bride. and both are the one

Son of god and likewise the Son of man.”1 Jesus’ sign at cana finally removes the veil

of the faithful who become fully present to the father through the Son. his presence at

the wedding feast, as the bridegroom, symbolize the union of god and man and dem-

onstrates that one does not need to wait until the end of time to see the glory of god – it

is fully present in his Son, Jesus christ. the events at cana also are symbolic of god’s

overflowing generosity, as the contents of the six stone jars are transformed into wine and

the jars are filled to the brim. this illustrates that god’s feast with humanity, and his own

gift of self, has begun.

today, we remember this joy, feasting and abundance when we gather around the table

of the lord every Sunday and celebrate the real presence of Jesus christ in the Sacrament

of the eucharist. While on the surface, it may appear that the Wedding at cana is simply

about Jesus’ presence and sanctification of marriage, on a deeper level, it is intended

to communicate the extraordinary love and the desire for unity god the father has for

mankind. In his book, Jesus of Nazareth, pope Benedict XVI makes the point that at cana,

“Jesus identifies himself here as the bridegroom of god’s promised marriage with his

people … in an unexpected way, god and man become one.”2 the intimate union god

desires with his creation is consummated through the symbolic wedding of his only Son

to his beloved people. god’s eternal love is what is at the center of the Wedding at cana

– in Scripture and also in paolo Veronese’s renaissance masterpiece.

Covenant DefinedIt is important to consider the origins of god’s desire for unity with humanity. this

is important pastorally because it provides the cornerstone for what is most important

about marriage – its covenantal character. In order to appreciate the significance of this,

one must first understand what a covenant meant to people during the time of christ and

recapture the essence of that word. In merriam-Webster’s dictionary, the primary defini-

tion of a covenant is, “a usually formal, solemn, and binding agreement: compact.”3 the

secondary definition is, “a written agreement or promise usually under seal between two

or more parties especially for the performance of some action, the common-law action

to recover damages for breach of such a contract.”4 Synonyms for the word “covenant”

include: agreement, arrangement, bargain, bond, compact, concordat, contract among

others.5 like many other words in our language, the essence of the word “covenant” has

coVenantal anD VocatIonal aSpectS of marrIage


5 6 5 7


the wonderful story of the Wedding feast of cana comes from the second chapter of

John’s gospel and has been represented and depicted over the millenia through count-

less art forms. In the louvre, there is an immense 22‘ x 27‘ painting, The Wedding Feast

at Cana, by paolo Veronese. on this tremendous renaissance canvas, there are over 130

figures that crowd the painting. In this masterpiece, the figure of Jesus is almost perfectly

centered in the painting. his eyes are the only ones that are fixed and directed at someone

observing this work of art. this is a reminder that christ not only has to be at the center

of any marriage, but that he calls out and invites us to join him at a joyous banquet that

brings god and mankind together through the Sacrament of marriage.

this essay will address three themes that are important for couples to consider as they

reflect on the sacred nature of their union: an examination of the symbolism in the Wed-

ding at cana, the implications of that symbolism for a covenantal relationship between

two people who are joined in marriage and a discussion of marriage as a Sacrament of

Vocation.

Symbolism in the Storyfrom a pastoral perspective, the Wedding feast at cana is important because in this

gospel account, Jesus is invited to a wedding, he attends and he uses his divine power

to save the celebration from disaster due to a lack of wine. tradition always has held that

Jesus sanctified the institution of marriage through his presence at the wedding feast.

the wedding feast also exemplifies how the Kingdom of god became present to those

at the banquet and symbolically to the people of Israel. In both the old and the new

testaments, the images of a banquet, wine and a wedding are used to illustrate the glory

and the joys of the coming of the Kingdom of god. an example is found in the Book

of Isaiah, “on this mountain the lord of hosts will make for all peoples a feast of rich

foods and choice wine, juicy rich food and pure choice wine, on this mountain, he will

destroy the veil that veils all peoples” (Isa. 25:6-7 naB). a similar reference is found in

the Book of revelation, “alleluia, the lord has established his reign, god the almighty.

let us rejoice and be glad and give him glory. the wedding day of the lamb has come”

Covenantal and Vocational Aspects of Marriage


(rev. 19:7 naB). these passages are significant because they convey the joy, feasting and

abundance that will be experienced when the veil that shields god and man is parted.

this union between god and man is expressed in Scripture through the imagery of a

banquet and a wedding.

god’s union with man, his beloved creation, is achieved through the marriage of his Son

to the faithful who are joined to him through his body and blood. St. augustine wrote,

“for the Word was the bridegroom and human flesh was the bride. and both are the one

Son of god and likewise the Son of man.”1 Jesus’ sign at cana finally removes the veil

of the faithful who become fully present to the father through the Son. his presence at

the wedding feast, as the bridegroom, symbolize the union of god and man and dem-

onstrates that one does not need to wait until the end of time to see the glory of god – it

is fully present in his Son, Jesus christ. the events at cana also are symbolic of god’s

overflowing generosity, as the contents of the six stone jars are transformed into wine and

the jars are filled to the brim. this illustrates that god’s feast with humanity, and his own

gift of self, has begun.

today, we remember this joy, feasting and abundance when we gather around the table

of the lord every Sunday and celebrate the real presence of Jesus christ in the Sacrament

of the eucharist. While on the surface, it may appear that the Wedding at cana is simply

about Jesus’ presence and sanctification of marriage, on a deeper level, it is intended

to communicate the extraordinary love and the desire for unity god the father has for

mankind. In his book, Jesus of Nazareth, pope Benedict XVI makes the point that at cana,

“Jesus identifies himself here as the bridegroom of god’s promised marriage with his

people … in an unexpected way, god and man become one.”2 the intimate union god

desires with his creation is consummated through the symbolic wedding of his only Son

to his beloved people. god’s eternal love is what is at the center of the Wedding at cana

– in Scripture and also in paolo Veronese’s renaissance masterpiece.

Covenant DefinedIt is important to consider the origins of god’s desire for unity with humanity. this

is important pastorally because it provides the cornerstone for what is most important

about marriage – its covenantal character. In order to appreciate the significance of this,

one must first understand what a covenant meant to people during the time of christ and

recapture the essence of that word. In merriam-Webster’s dictionary, the primary defini-

tion of a covenant is, “a usually formal, solemn, and binding agreement: compact.”3 the

secondary definition is, “a written agreement or promise usually under seal between two

or more parties especially for the performance of some action, the common-law action

to recover damages for breach of such a contract.”4 Synonyms for the word “covenant”

include: agreement, arrangement, bargain, bond, compact, concordat, contract among

others.5 like many other words in our language, the essence of the word “covenant” has



5 8 5 9


Stephen B. KaSS

eroded over time and across cultures. for the ancient Israelites, a “covenant” had a special

meaning that went beyond legalistic and contractual terms. a contract was something

whereby two parties exchanged property, goods and services. a covenant, however, was a

willing exchange of persons. contracts established the terms for a business transaction,

while covenants established familial ties and bonds. In his book, Swear to God, Scott

hahn described a covenant as something that went “far beyond the limits of any contract.

When people enter into a covenant they say ‘I am yours and you are mine’… to biblical

authors, the difference between covenant and contract was like the difference between

marriage and prostitution or between adoption and slavery.”6

In the old testament, one learns that god’s relationship with the Israelites and mankind

was a covenant. In the book of genesis, god tells noah, “But I will establish my covenant

with you; and you shall come into the ark, you, your sons, your wife, and your sons’ wives

with you” (gen. 9:8 naB). and in the book of ezekiel, the lord god says, “you shall dwell

in the land which I gave to your fathers; and you shall be my people, and I will be your

god” (ezek. 11:20 naB). covenants, therefore, are built around and made up of familial

relationships. a covenant is a mutually consenting exchange of persons – not goods or

services. god willingly reached out to his chosen people to create a new family and social

order through a covenant that was centered on his relationship with mankind.

Marriage as a Sacrament of Vocationthe Bible presents marriage as the primary metaphor and imagery for the covenantal

union among god, mankind, Jesus christ and his church. In the book of genesis, one

learns that mankind was created in the image and likeness of god. It is this trace of the

divine that resides within and a common humanity that bring a man and a woman to-

gether. this is recounted in the second chapter of genesis, when adam exclaims, “this at

last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she

was taken out of man. therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his

wife, and they become one flesh” (gen. 2:23 naB). In the new testament, this is reiterat-

ed by paul in his letter to the ephesians when he writes, “for this reason a man shall leave

his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. this

mystery is a profound one, and I am saying that it refers to christ and the church” (eph.

5:31 naB). the latin Vulgate translation of this passage uses the word “sacramentum”

where paul uses the word “mystery.” this mystical union of a man and a woman through

the Sacrament of marriage in many ways is an image and representation of the covenant

god established by creating man and woman in his own image and likeness.

understanding the nature of the marriage covenant is essential to understanding why the

roman catholic church takes this sacrament so seriously. In our society, one can argue

that the indissolubility of marriage is something that people may assent to, but do not

readily embrace and take to heart. Within the past five years, secular culture’s acceptance


of the transitory nature of marriage has come to prominence with something called a

“starter marriage.” according to Wikipedia, a starter marriage is “a first marriage that

lasts five years or less and ends before the couple has children. the term, a play on the

expression ‘starter home,’ appears as one of the footnotes in Douglas coupland’s 1991

novel generation X. however, it did not enter common parlance until the publication of

pamela paul’s 2002 book, The Starter Marriage and the Future of Matrimony.”7 this concept

is an example of the cultural conflict that exists today over the reality of marriage. In light

of this, one might reasonably ask if marriage is a religious or a secular reality, and where

the ultimate authority over marriage resides. If marriage is a secular reality, then mankind

can choose to define and redefine marriage in any way that may be culturally, or even

politically convenient at any given time. a marriage whose reality is adjudicated in the

courts and through the judicial system begins to diminish into a contract and betrays the

covenantal aspect of marriage where two people willingly surrender their former selves to

one another in imitation of god’s marriage to his chosen people through his Son, Jesus

christ. today, cultural atheism has attempted to reform marriage in a manner in which

god either is absent or is on the periphery. the chasm between culture and religion may

seem, at first glance, impossible to bridge. however, there is a way to connect this cultural

divide, and it begins with recognizing that marriage is a Sacrament of Vocation.

In the roman catholic church, there are Sacraments of Initiation (Baptism, eucharist

and confirmation), healing (penance and the Sacrament of the Sick) and Vocation

(holy orders and matrimony). In holy orders, men are given the authority, power and

grace to function as ordained deacons, priests and bishops. It is important for the laity to

understand that the church views marriage with the same degree of sacred dignity and

respect that is reserved for those who are called to ordained ministry.

today, our secularized society not only attempts to separate church from state but church

from self and culture, as matters of faith are readily marginalized into a single hour of

liturgy on Sunday. many may forget that one’s apostolic obligations begin when mass

concludes. the Second Vatican council document Decree on the Apostolate of Lay People,

addresses the importance of the laity in the mission and role of the church,

In the church there is a diversity of ministry but a oneness of mission. christ

conferred on the apostles and their successors the duty of teaching, sanctifying,

and ruling in his name and power. But the laity likewise share in the priestly,

prophetic and royal office of christ and therefore have their own share in the

mission of the whole people of god in the church and in the world … Since

the laity, in accordance with their state of life, live in the midst of the world and

its concerns, they are called by god to exercise their apostolate in the world like

leaven, with the ardor of the spirit of christ.8


5 8 5 9


Stephen B. KaSS

eroded over time and across cultures. for the ancient Israelites, a “covenant” had a special

meaning that went beyond legalistic and contractual terms. a contract was something

whereby two parties exchanged property, goods and services. a covenant, however, was a

willing exchange of persons. contracts established the terms for a business transaction,

while covenants established familial ties and bonds. In his book, Swear to God, Scott

hahn described a covenant as something that went “far beyond the limits of any contract.

When people enter into a covenant they say ‘I am yours and you are mine’… to biblical

authors, the difference between covenant and contract was like the difference between

marriage and prostitution or between adoption and slavery.”6

In the old testament, one learns that god’s relationship with the Israelites and mankind

was a covenant. In the book of genesis, god tells noah, “But I will establish my covenant

with you; and you shall come into the ark, you, your sons, your wife, and your sons’ wives

with you” (gen. 9:8 naB). and in the book of ezekiel, the lord god says, “you shall dwell

in the land which I gave to your fathers; and you shall be my people, and I will be your

god” (ezek. 11:20 naB). covenants, therefore, are built around and made up of familial

relationships. a covenant is a mutually consenting exchange of persons – not goods or

services. god willingly reached out to his chosen people to create a new family and social

order through a covenant that was centered on his relationship with mankind.

Marriage as a Sacrament of Vocationthe Bible presents marriage as the primary metaphor and imagery for the covenantal

union among god, mankind, Jesus christ and his church. In the book of genesis, one

learns that mankind was created in the image and likeness of god. It is this trace of the

divine that resides within and a common humanity that bring a man and a woman to-

gether. this is recounted in the second chapter of genesis, when adam exclaims, “this at

last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she

was taken out of man. therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his

wife, and they become one flesh” (gen. 2:23 naB). In the new testament, this is reiterat-

ed by paul in his letter to the ephesians when he writes, “for this reason a man shall leave

his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. this

mystery is a profound one, and I am saying that it refers to christ and the church” (eph.

5:31 naB). the latin Vulgate translation of this passage uses the word “sacramentum”

where paul uses the word “mystery.” this mystical union of a man and a woman through

the Sacrament of marriage in many ways is an image and representation of the covenant

god established by creating man and woman in his own image and likeness.

understanding the nature of the marriage covenant is essential to understanding why the

roman catholic church takes this sacrament so seriously. In our society, one can argue

that the indissolubility of marriage is something that people may assent to, but do not

readily embrace and take to heart. Within the past five years, secular culture’s acceptance


of the transitory nature of marriage has come to prominence with something called a

“starter marriage.” according to Wikipedia, a starter marriage is “a first marriage that

lasts five years or less and ends before the couple has children. the term, a play on the

expression ‘starter home,’ appears as one of the footnotes in Douglas coupland’s 1991

novel generation X. however, it did not enter common parlance until the publication of

pamela paul’s 2002 book, The Starter Marriage and the Future of Matrimony.”7 this concept

is an example of the cultural conflict that exists today over the reality of marriage. In light

of this, one might reasonably ask if marriage is a religious or a secular reality, and where

the ultimate authority over marriage resides. If marriage is a secular reality, then mankind

can choose to define and redefine marriage in any way that may be culturally, or even

politically convenient at any given time. a marriage whose reality is adjudicated in the

courts and through the judicial system begins to diminish into a contract and betrays the

covenantal aspect of marriage where two people willingly surrender their former selves to

one another in imitation of god’s marriage to his chosen people through his Son, Jesus

christ. today, cultural atheism has attempted to reform marriage in a manner in which

god either is absent or is on the periphery. the chasm between culture and religion may

seem, at first glance, impossible to bridge. however, there is a way to connect this cultural

divide, and it begins with recognizing that marriage is a Sacrament of Vocation.

In the roman catholic church, there are Sacraments of Initiation (Baptism, eucharist

and confirmation), healing (penance and the Sacrament of the Sick) and Vocation

(holy orders and matrimony). In holy orders, men are given the authority, power and

grace to function as ordained deacons, priests and bishops. It is important for the laity to

understand that the church views marriage with the same degree of sacred dignity and

respect that is reserved for those who are called to ordained ministry.

today, our secularized society not only attempts to separate church from state but church

from self and culture, as matters of faith are readily marginalized into a single hour of

liturgy on Sunday. many may forget that one’s apostolic obligations begin when mass

concludes. the Second Vatican council document Decree on the Apostolate of Lay People,

addresses the importance of the laity in the mission and role of the church,

In the church there is a diversity of ministry but a oneness of mission. christ

conferred on the apostles and their successors the duty of teaching, sanctifying,

and ruling in his name and power. But the laity likewise share in the priestly,

prophetic and royal office of christ and therefore have their own share in the

mission of the whole people of god in the church and in the world … Since

the laity, in accordance with their state of life, live in the midst of the world and

its concerns, they are called by god to exercise their apostolate in the world like

leaven, with the ardor of the spirit of christ.8


6 0 61


Stephen B. KaSS

the proactive role of lay people in the married state in bringing about the manifestation

of god’s kingdom on earth is a duty, and born out of the vocational proclamation that

all of the faithful have responsibilities as priests, prophets and kings. this may come as a

bit of a surprise to some – but these are not just idle ramblings; this is what the church

expects out of her members. this is a universal call to holiness and pertains to those who

take the vocational vows of holy orders in the same way that it applies to those who

take vows of marriage. While there are clearly different roles and responsibilities between

those who have taken vows of holy orders and matrimony, there is one apostolic con-

tinuum of faith.

the Sacrament of marriage has more to do with embracing our vocations as christians

and less to do with many of the other expectations and illusions that our culture places

on those who are joined in holy matrimony. marriage is about creating a new reality and

identity through our gift of self to another rather than a narcissistic self-centered life that

many in our society seem to revel in and embrace. the gospel of John tells us that there

is no greater demonstration of love than laying down one’s life for one’s friends. this is

at the core of the marriage covenant. It mirrors the love god had for his beloved chosen

people and it mimics the incredible gift of god, who gave the life of his only Son, who

became man through the miracle of the Incarnation and demonstrated through his infi-

nite love that “I am yours and you are mine – forever until the end of the age.”

today, just as he was 2,000 years ago, Jesus is present at the wedding feast. he summons

all his disciples – married, clergy and single people – to join him at his glorious banquet

where we are fed, nourished and celebrate the lifting of the wedding veil that had sepa-

rated man from god.

Stephen Kass is the Editor of family reflections and is the Coordinator of

Marketing and Development for the Institute for Christian Spirituality at Im-

maculate Conception Seminary School of Theology. He holds Master’s degrees

in Nuclear Engineering and Systematic Theology. He has been married for 14

years to his wife, Beverly, and they reside in Pequannock, New Jersey.

noteS

1. thomas c. oden, Ancient Christian Commentary on Scripture, New Testament IVa

John 1-10, ed. Joel c. elowski (Downers grove, Il: Intervarsity press, 2006), 90.

2. pope Benedict XVI, Jesus of Nazareth, trans. adrian J. Walker (new york: Double-

day, 2007), 245.


3. merriam-Webster online Dictionary, “covenant,” http://www.merriam-webster.

com/dictionary/covenant (accessed may 5, 2009).

4. Ibid.

5. thesaurus.com, “covenant,” http://thesaurus.reference.com/browse/covenant (accessed

may 5, 2009).

6. Scott hahn, Swear to God (new york: Doubleday, 2004), 61.

7. Wikipedia, “Starter marriage,” http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Starter_marriage (accessed

may 5, 2009).

8. Second Vatican council, Decree on the apostolate of the laity, Apostolicam

Actuositatem, 2.


6 0 61


Stephen B. KaSS

the proactive role of lay people in the married state in bringing about the manifestation

of god’s kingdom on earth is a duty, and born out of the vocational proclamation that

all of the faithful have responsibilities as priests, prophets and kings. this may come as a

bit of a surprise to some – but these are not just idle ramblings; this is what the church

expects out of her members. this is a universal call to holiness and pertains to those who

take the vocational vows of holy orders in the same way that it applies to those who

take vows of marriage. While there are clearly different roles and responsibilities between

those who have taken vows of holy orders and matrimony, there is one apostolic con-

tinuum of faith.

the Sacrament of marriage has more to do with embracing our vocations as christians

and less to do with many of the other expectations and illusions that our culture places

on those who are joined in holy matrimony. marriage is about creating a new reality and

identity through our gift of self to another rather than a narcissistic self-centered life that

many in our society seem to revel in and embrace. the gospel of John tells us that there

is no greater demonstration of love than laying down one’s life for one’s friends. this is

at the core of the marriage covenant. It mirrors the love god had for his beloved chosen

people and it mimics the incredible gift of god, who gave the life of his only Son, who

became man through the miracle of the Incarnation and demonstrated through his infi-

nite love that “I am yours and you are mine – forever until the end of the age.”

today, just as he was 2,000 years ago, Jesus is present at the wedding feast. he summons

all his disciples – married, clergy and single people – to join him at his glorious banquet

where we are fed, nourished and celebrate the lifting of the wedding veil that had sepa-

rated man from god.

Stephen Kass is the Editor of family reflections and is the Coordinator of

Marketing and Development for the Institute for Christian Spirituality at Im-

maculate Conception Seminary School of Theology. He holds Master’s degrees

in Nuclear Engineering and Systematic Theology. He has been married for 14

years to his wife, Beverly, and they reside in Pequannock, New Jersey.

noteS

1. thomas c. oden, Ancient Christian Commentary on Scripture, New Testament IVa

John 1-10, ed. Joel c. elowski (Downers grove, Il: Intervarsity press, 2006), 90.

2. pope Benedict XVI, Jesus of Nazareth, trans. adrian J. Walker (new york: Double-

day, 2007), 245.


3. merriam-Webster online Dictionary, “covenant,” http://www.merriam-webster.

com/dictionary/covenant (accessed may 5, 2009).

4. Ibid.

5. thesaurus.com, “covenant,” http://thesaurus.reference.com/browse/covenant (accessed

may 5, 2009).

6. Scott hahn, Swear to God (new york: Doubleday, 2004), 61.

7. Wikipedia, “Starter marriage,” http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Starter_marriage (accessed

may 5, 2009).

8. Second Vatican council, Decree on the apostolate of the laity, Apostolicam

Actuositatem, 2.


6 2 6 3


When you hear the phrase, “family spirituality,” what first comes to mind? for me,

images spring up of families praying together, images colored by the personality and

character of the family itself. perhaps one family is what people might call “regular”

catholic. they go to mass, say grace before meals, and end the day with some formal

prayers before tucking the little ones in at night. another family might be more “tra-

ditional,” another might be “charismatic,” and another family simply might continue

whatever traditions the parents grew up with and experienced. Some families volunteer

at soup kitchens, some read the Bible more than others, and some like devotions to the

saints — the possibilities are as varied and as vibrant as the families themselves.

the list goes on and on. In the end, as long as the family nurtures each member in the

catholic faith and their relationship with god, it is often a question of style and not of

substance. yet is family spirituality really only about the adults instilling the faith and its

praxis in the children?

the effects of the faith and praxis on the individual could be put in terms of how one is

transformed by the love of god (that is, by charity). the increase of charity by grace, or its

decrease due to sin, shows the dynamic nature of charity, which can be called the union

of the human soul with god. In charity and grace, the soul becomes more and more

unified with god, more and more transformed. If the human soul is transformed in love

with god, then it likewise is capable of an analogous transformation by natural love, the

love of things or human persons. Indeed, one cannot know the transformation by charity

except by comparing it to transformations by natural, human love.

Since grace perfects nature, grace also would perfect the transformations in the individual

due to natural, human love. family spirituality, therefore, also should regard, and seek to

perfect, the transformative dynamics of the bonds of love among family members.

A transformative powerthe transformation by love begins with knowledge, because one cannot love a thing

Family Spirituality as a Transformation of Love

By mario J. coccia, m.a.t., S.t.l.

unless one knows something about it. St. thomas aquinas, drawing on aristotle, de-

scribes the transformation by love in the following way. When we apprehend a thing

through one or more of the senses, some truth about the thing enters our soul and

forms the soul.1 Say, for example, you see a chair in a furniture store. you are changed

only slightly by this sight but you instantly will make some judgments about the chair:

whether it is sturdy or comfortable, if it would look good in your house, if you want

to sit and rest in it right now. the more you look, the more you know, the more you

are formed and the more you are changed or transformed. perhaps you decide that you

have no liking for this particular chair, and you largely ignore it. perhaps, on the other

hand, you decide that it perfectly would complete your living room decor. you increas-

ingly become drawn to the chair. you, in a sense, let the chair “live” in your heart. you

feel incomplete without it. you then see the price. perhaps you rejoice at being able to

possess the chair. perhaps you mourn and feel a loss because you suddenly do not like

it as much or realize that you cannot have it.

given this transformative power of knowledge and love, St. thomas says that it is better

to know things than to love them, while it is better to love persons, immortal images of

god loved by him, whether you know them or not.2 Seeing how through knowledge and

love a thing comes to live in the lover’s soul, one can see that things are unworthy objects

of love — it is beneath our dignity as living images of god to become more and more like

lifeless things. things, moreover, cannot love us back. persons, on the other hand, are of

much higher dignity than lifeless things and they can love us in return. god himself is

absolute person and, in loving god and being loved by him, we become more and more

like him, and we become ever more perfectly a place where he can live. While other hu-

man persons cannot live in our souls in the same way as god does by grace, there is a

similar and reciprocal transformation at work.

When it comes to reciprocal love between human persons, there always is an element

of accepting the unknown and of being an unknown to the other. a person is largely a

mystery that unfolds only over a lifetime. there also is complementarity, meaning that

the person one loves may be seen as making one complete, or at least more complete.

reciprocally, one becomes the completion of the other in some way. finally, there is

self-mastery, without which one cannot participate effectively in the transformational

dynamic of love with another person.

Self-mastery is particularly important. We could call self-mastery “self-control” or “self-

discipline” or “virtue.” the Catechism of the Catholic Church equates self-mastery with

chastity.3 at any rate, it should be clear that, in love, one makes a gift of oneself to the

other in various ways. one cannot give what one does not have. therefore, one must have

mastery of oneself in order to give oneself to another.

famIly SpIrItualIty aS a tranSformatIon of loVe


6 2 6 3


When you hear the phrase, “family spirituality,” what first comes to mind? for me,

images spring up of families praying together, images colored by the personality and

character of the family itself. perhaps one family is what people might call “regular”

catholic. they go to mass, say grace before meals, and end the day with some formal

prayers before tucking the little ones in at night. another family might be more “tra-

ditional,” another might be “charismatic,” and another family simply might continue

whatever traditions the parents grew up with and experienced. Some families volunteer

at soup kitchens, some read the Bible more than others, and some like devotions to the

saints — the possibilities are as varied and as vibrant as the families themselves.

the list goes on and on. In the end, as long as the family nurtures each member in the

catholic faith and their relationship with god, it is often a question of style and not of

substance. yet is family spirituality really only about the adults instilling the faith and its

praxis in the children?

the effects of the faith and praxis on the individual could be put in terms of how one is

transformed by the love of god (that is, by charity). the increase of charity by grace, or its

decrease due to sin, shows the dynamic nature of charity, which can be called the union

of the human soul with god. In charity and grace, the soul becomes more and more

unified with god, more and more transformed. If the human soul is transformed in love

with god, then it likewise is capable of an analogous transformation by natural love, the

love of things or human persons. Indeed, one cannot know the transformation by charity

except by comparing it to transformations by natural, human love.

Since grace perfects nature, grace also would perfect the transformations in the individual

due to natural, human love. family spirituality, therefore, also should regard, and seek to

perfect, the transformative dynamics of the bonds of love among family members.

A transformative powerthe transformation by love begins with knowledge, because one cannot love a thing

Family Spirituality as a Transformation of Love

By mario J. coccia, m.a.t., S.t.l.

unless one knows something about it. St. thomas aquinas, drawing on aristotle, de-

scribes the transformation by love in the following way. When we apprehend a thing

through one or more of the senses, some truth about the thing enters our soul and

forms the soul.1 Say, for example, you see a chair in a furniture store. you are changed

only slightly by this sight but you instantly will make some judgments about the chair:

whether it is sturdy or comfortable, if it would look good in your house, if you want

to sit and rest in it right now. the more you look, the more you know, the more you

are formed and the more you are changed or transformed. perhaps you decide that you

have no liking for this particular chair, and you largely ignore it. perhaps, on the other

hand, you decide that it perfectly would complete your living room decor. you increas-

ingly become drawn to the chair. you, in a sense, let the chair “live” in your heart. you

feel incomplete without it. you then see the price. perhaps you rejoice at being able to

possess the chair. perhaps you mourn and feel a loss because you suddenly do not like

it as much or realize that you cannot have it.

given this transformative power of knowledge and love, St. thomas says that it is better

to know things than to love them, while it is better to love persons, immortal images of

god loved by him, whether you know them or not.2 Seeing how through knowledge and

love a thing comes to live in the lover’s soul, one can see that things are unworthy objects

of love — it is beneath our dignity as living images of god to become more and more like

lifeless things. things, moreover, cannot love us back. persons, on the other hand, are of

much higher dignity than lifeless things and they can love us in return. god himself is

absolute person and, in loving god and being loved by him, we become more and more

like him, and we become ever more perfectly a place where he can live. While other hu-

man persons cannot live in our souls in the same way as god does by grace, there is a

similar and reciprocal transformation at work.

When it comes to reciprocal love between human persons, there always is an element

of accepting the unknown and of being an unknown to the other. a person is largely a

mystery that unfolds only over a lifetime. there also is complementarity, meaning that

the person one loves may be seen as making one complete, or at least more complete.

reciprocally, one becomes the completion of the other in some way. finally, there is

self-mastery, without which one cannot participate effectively in the transformational

dynamic of love with another person.

Self-mastery is particularly important. We could call self-mastery “self-control” or “self-

discipline” or “virtue.” the Catechism of the Catholic Church equates self-mastery with

chastity.3 at any rate, it should be clear that, in love, one makes a gift of oneself to the

other in various ways. one cannot give what one does not have. therefore, one must have

mastery of oneself in order to give oneself to another.



6 4 6 5


marIo J. coccIa

let us examine the interplay of complementarity, acceptance of the unknown and self-

mastery in the transformation in love between persons, in the example of a man and

woman falling in love. the lover (the man in our example) makes at least three self-gifts

to his beloved woman on account of how love has transformed him. By these self-gifts,

he furthers the transformation. first, simply by his initial knowledge of this woman, he in

some sense appreciates the attributes he knows of her, and longs to know and appreciate

what is unknown about her. he thereby gives her his own self, in which these attributes

of her also can live. If in observing her, for example, he notices that she likes a particular

kind of chocolate, he begins to seek that chocolate out as if he liked it himself; indeed,

on account of the beloved, he does like it himself (in some way, at least) and so seeks it

out. Second, he gives himself to her in giving her that chocolate, by revealing himself and

his feelings in the act, making what is unknown about himself more knowable to her.

notably, in this self-gift, the lover reveals and gives to the beloved her own presence in

his soul, the transformation in his soul that was the basis of his act of buying chocolates.

third, he makes himself available to her response, which will be her own self-revelation

to him and precisely for him. over time, the two lovers interpenetrate each other by

multi-dimensional self-gifts that increasingly include a return of each to the other.

the love between a man and a woman differs in many respects from the love between

parents and children, as well as from the love between siblings. for one thing, the man

and the woman choose each other and marry voluntarily, whereas the parent-child and

sibling-sibling relationships are more or less imposed. Despite these differences, how-

ever, the transformative dynamic of love is essentially the same and must be considered

in family spirituality.

Maximizing the transformationto maximize and take full advantage of the transformative power of love in family life,

we must keep three things in mind. first, we constantly must choose the transformation

and in a sense make the transformation happen. Second, in doing the first, we must give

special consideration to how we ourselves are transformative forces on the other mem-

bers of the family — for good or ill — and conscientiously must make ourselves forces of

good transformation. third, we must keep the perfecting power of grace in mind. these

remarks are addressed primarily to parents, of course.

If the transformation begins with knowledge, then all things that the family members see,

hear and experience are part of the transformation. material possessions, television, mov-

ies, internet, magazines, books, visitors, friends, society at large and behaviors of every

kind all form each member, and often for the worse. If Dad is always on the computer, he

reveals himself to the family in a particular way and forms them through that revelation.

If a teenage daughter in the midst of being reprimanded imitates her best friend by ignor-

ing her parents, everyone is formed by it: the daughter, the parents, the other children and


the friend. parents, therefore, must take great care to ensure that their family is formed

through positive behaviors.

parents also must help to keep the family from loving things inappropriately. We can say

“love” to mean “like a real lot,” as in “I love chocolate,” but when “love” means that a

thing has become a driving force of one’s actions, it has gone too far. even good things

become bad the more the family members become like these things and less like persons.

not to be able to set aside one’s facebook page (or cell phone, or Wii, or food, or treats,

etc.) reveals a demeaning, almost addictive state. family members are persons, and fam-

ily spirituality primarily must cultivate mature persons.

people talk about spending “quality time” together, but it’s not about the time or the activi-

ties shared during that time. It’s about “I want you to be part of me and to be the reason

why I do what I do.” that does require time, but the real purpose of the time is to know the

other and to give the gift of oneself to the other, and to form (and be formed by) the other:

“I want to know you and give myself to you, and I want you to live in me. I want you to

know me, and I want to live in you, too.” all too often we form our family in just the oppo-

site way: “not now, sweetie, I’m busy.” to a certain extent, children do need to learn to re-

spect the parents’ prerogatives and duties and not to interrupt, but they also have to know

where they are in the parents’ hierarchy of importance. In the end, the formative power of

self-giving cannot be limited to scheduled activities and cannot take a back seat to less im-

portant things. your children and your spouse know that a partial self-gift means holding

something back, that it means adding “only a little” to “I want you to live in me.”

We, therefore, are duty-bound to form ourselves conscientiously in the good, to be forces

of good in our power to form our spouses and children. this can be called “teaching by

example,” but it really is more a matter of giving our families something good when we

give ourselves. parents must cultivate virtue and holiness in themselves as individuals

and as a married couple if they expect to have a spiritually healthy family.

cultivating holiness cannot happen without grace and charity, which are from god. By

grace and in charity, god transforms us by dwelling ever more perfectly in our souls. In

loving god and giving ourselves to him, we reveal and return his own indwelling in us,

as St. John of the cross teaches.4 the more we love god, the more we allow him to be-

come the driving force of all of our actions. We are capable of loving our family members

better when god dwells in us. god, living in us, loves them through us; we give god to

them when we give ourselves to them. We also allow our families to become a reason for

our actions as we seek to form them in the good.

family spirituality refers not only to the family’s style in things religious. It also refers

to a holistic transformative process based on the dynamics of natural knowledge and


6 4 6 5


marIo J. coccIa

let us examine the interplay of complementarity, acceptance of the unknown and self-

mastery in the transformation in love between persons, in the example of a man and

woman falling in love. the lover (the man in our example) makes at least three self-gifts

to his beloved woman on account of how love has transformed him. By these self-gifts,

he furthers the transformation. first, simply by his initial knowledge of this woman, he in

some sense appreciates the attributes he knows of her, and longs to know and appreciate

what is unknown about her. he thereby gives her his own self, in which these attributes

of her also can live. If in observing her, for example, he notices that she likes a particular

kind of chocolate, he begins to seek that chocolate out as if he liked it himself; indeed,

on account of the beloved, he does like it himself (in some way, at least) and so seeks it

out. Second, he gives himself to her in giving her that chocolate, by revealing himself and

his feelings in the act, making what is unknown about himself more knowable to her.

notably, in this self-gift, the lover reveals and gives to the beloved her own presence in

his soul, the transformation in his soul that was the basis of his act of buying chocolates.

third, he makes himself available to her response, which will be her own self-revelation

to him and precisely for him. over time, the two lovers interpenetrate each other by

multi-dimensional self-gifts that increasingly include a return of each to the other.

the love between a man and a woman differs in many respects from the love between

parents and children, as well as from the love between siblings. for one thing, the man

and the woman choose each other and marry voluntarily, whereas the parent-child and

sibling-sibling relationships are more or less imposed. Despite these differences, how-

ever, the transformative dynamic of love is essentially the same and must be considered

in family spirituality.

Maximizing the transformationto maximize and take full advantage of the transformative power of love in family life,

we must keep three things in mind. first, we constantly must choose the transformation

and in a sense make the transformation happen. Second, in doing the first, we must give

special consideration to how we ourselves are transformative forces on the other mem-

bers of the family — for good or ill — and conscientiously must make ourselves forces of

good transformation. third, we must keep the perfecting power of grace in mind. these

remarks are addressed primarily to parents, of course.

If the transformation begins with knowledge, then all things that the family members see,

hear and experience are part of the transformation. material possessions, television, mov-

ies, internet, magazines, books, visitors, friends, society at large and behaviors of every

kind all form each member, and often for the worse. If Dad is always on the computer, he

reveals himself to the family in a particular way and forms them through that revelation.

If a teenage daughter in the midst of being reprimanded imitates her best friend by ignor-

ing her parents, everyone is formed by it: the daughter, the parents, the other children and


the friend. parents, therefore, must take great care to ensure that their family is formed

through positive behaviors.

parents also must help to keep the family from loving things inappropriately. We can say

“love” to mean “like a real lot,” as in “I love chocolate,” but when “love” means that a

thing has become a driving force of one’s actions, it has gone too far. even good things

become bad the more the family members become like these things and less like persons.

not to be able to set aside one’s facebook page (or cell phone, or Wii, or food, or treats,

etc.) reveals a demeaning, almost addictive state. family members are persons, and fam-

ily spirituality primarily must cultivate mature persons.

people talk about spending “quality time” together, but it’s not about the time or the activi-

ties shared during that time. It’s about “I want you to be part of me and to be the reason

why I do what I do.” that does require time, but the real purpose of the time is to know the

other and to give the gift of oneself to the other, and to form (and be formed by) the other:

“I want to know you and give myself to you, and I want you to live in me. I want you to

know me, and I want to live in you, too.” all too often we form our family in just the oppo-

site way: “not now, sweetie, I’m busy.” to a certain extent, children do need to learn to re-

spect the parents’ prerogatives and duties and not to interrupt, but they also have to know

where they are in the parents’ hierarchy of importance. In the end, the formative power of

self-giving cannot be limited to scheduled activities and cannot take a back seat to less im-

portant things. your children and your spouse know that a partial self-gift means holding

something back, that it means adding “only a little” to “I want you to live in me.”

We, therefore, are duty-bound to form ourselves conscientiously in the good, to be forces

of good in our power to form our spouses and children. this can be called “teaching by

example,” but it really is more a matter of giving our families something good when we

give ourselves. parents must cultivate virtue and holiness in themselves as individuals

and as a married couple if they expect to have a spiritually healthy family.

cultivating holiness cannot happen without grace and charity, which are from god. By

grace and in charity, god transforms us by dwelling ever more perfectly in our souls. In

loving god and giving ourselves to him, we reveal and return his own indwelling in us,

as St. John of the cross teaches.4 the more we love god, the more we allow him to be-

come the driving force of all of our actions. We are capable of loving our family members

better when god dwells in us. god, living in us, loves them through us; we give god to

them when we give ourselves to them. We also allow our families to become a reason for

our actions as we seek to form them in the good.

family spirituality refers not only to the family’s style in things religious. It also refers

to a holistic transformative process based on the dynamics of natural knowledge and


6 6 6 7


human love. this transformative power cannot be stopped; it will influence each family

member and, left on a natural level, it often and quickly becomes a power for degrada-

tion and destruction. It is when natural human love in the family is perfected super-

naturally by divine love, and when it is embraced and cultivated conscientiously, that it

becomes family spirituality.

Mario J. Coccia holds a Master’s degree in Theology from Immaculate Conception

Seminary School of Theology and a Master’s degree and a Licentiate in Sacred

Theology from the International Theological Institute for Studies on Marriage

and the Family (Austria), specializing in the effects of the transformation in

love on spouses. He and his wife, Aileen, live with their five children in Wyo-

ming, where he works as an administrator at Wyoming Catholic College while

completing a doctorate in Theology.

noteS

1. St. thomas aquinas, Commentary on the Sentences of Peter Lombard III, d. 27,

q. 2, a. 1.

2. St. thomas aquinas, Summa Theologiae II-II, q. 23, a. 6, ad. 1.

3. Catechism of the Catholic Church, 2339.

4. “the living flame of love – Stanza 3 (68-85),” http://www.karmel.at/ics/john/

fl_10.html (accessed november 2, 2009).

marIo J. coccIa

“My Brother’s Confirmation”

by Melanie P. Santos

St. Michael, Cranford, NJ

Hillside Avenue School

last year, my brother Bryan, was confirmed at St. michael’s church in cranford, nJ. my family is very

religious and this was a special sacrament for my brother. god is clearly evident in this photograph

due to the religious significance and meaning behind this sacrament. throughout the process, my

brother’s godfather helped him get ready. this day marked his full initiation into the church and

this symbolic picture demonstrates how sacred this tradition is. that was a joyous and momentous

day in his life and the fact that his godfather was there to help him made it even more special. I am

now 13 and I am eagerly waiting to do my own confirmation next year. Being a part of this ceremony

and witnessing it makes it all the more special to me. this picture truly demonstrates the religious

impact on one’s life and I feel it symbolizes the true meaning of being confirmed.


6 6 6 7


human love. this transformative power cannot be stopped; it will influence each family

member and, left on a natural level, it often and quickly becomes a power for degrada-

tion and destruction. It is when natural human love in the family is perfected super-

naturally by divine love, and when it is embraced and cultivated conscientiously, that it

becomes family spirituality.

Mario J. Coccia holds a Master’s degree in Theology from Immaculate Conception

Seminary School of Theology and a Master’s degree and a Licentiate in Sacred

Theology from the International Theological Institute for Studies on Marriage

and the Family (Austria), specializing in the effects of the transformation in

love on spouses. He and his wife, Aileen, live with their five children in Wyo-

ming, where he works as an administrator at Wyoming Catholic College while

completing a doctorate in Theology.

noteS

1. St. thomas aquinas, Commentary on the Sentences of Peter Lombard III, d. 27,

q. 2, a. 1.

2. St. thomas aquinas, Summa Theologiae II-II, q. 23, a. 6, ad. 1.


4. “the living flame of love – Stanza 3 (68-85),” http://www.karmel.at/ics/john/

fl_10.html (accessed november 2, 2009).

marIo J. coccIa

“My Brother’s Confirmation”

by Melanie P. Santos

St. Michael, Cranford, NJ

Hillside Avenue School

last year, my brother Bryan, was confirmed at St. michael’s church in cranford, nJ. my family is very

religious and this was a special sacrament for my brother. god is clearly evident in this photograph

due to the religious significance and meaning behind this sacrament. throughout the process, my

brother’s godfather helped him get ready. this day marked his full initiation into the church and

this symbolic picture demonstrates how sacred this tradition is. that was a joyous and momentous

day in his life and the fact that his godfather was there to help him made it even more special. I am

now 13 and I am eagerly waiting to do my own confirmation next year. Being a part of this ceremony

and witnessing it makes it all the more special to me. this picture truly demonstrates the religious

impact on one’s life and I feel it symbolizes the true meaning of being confirmed.


6 8 6 9


my dad taught me latin during my second eighth grade (the fact that it was my second

eighth grade should explain how well the first eighth grade went). my dad was very busy

at the time, and our conversations about school were of the kind that should be all-too-

familiar to those with adolescent children: he would ask me about school and I would

shrug my shoulders and mumble something before slinking out of the room.

and then came latin. my dad somehow had talked the principal of my new school into al-

lowing me to enroll into latin II, provided I could pass an examination given by the teach-

er. the only problem was that I had never taken a single class in latin. Dad was undaunted.

every evening after dinner I cooked microwaveable popcorn, and we would spend an hour

together conjugating verbs. “Amo-amas-amat-amamus-amatis-amant.” our initial meetings

had a distinctly marine corps feel to them as he played the role of the gunnery Sergeant

to my lance corporal. he tapped his feet: “are you absum (absent) or adsum (present)

today?” “Sum adsum.” he would begin, “Which conjugation are we on?”

his explanations were always simple and complete unto themselves. he explained to

me the difference between a direct (accusative case) and indirect (dative) object: “I hit

the ball to the second baseman. the ball is the direct object, while the second baseman

is the indirect object.” the ablative case: “the ball was hit by the second baseman. the

direct object is the ball, and the object of the preposition is the second baseman.” he

explained that “to run” was an intransitive verb – unless you were running the bulls, as

they do in Spain, in which case it would be transitive. to this day, I have yet to hear a

better explanation.

for the a-stem nouns we developed a musical cadence: “fenestra-fenestrae-fenestrae-fenes-

tram-fenestra…” he explained that to “throw your little brother out the window” would

be to “defenestrate him.” I can still hear him tapping his feet like a jazz drummer keeping

time – “somni-somnorum-somnis-somnos-somnis.” We developed different rhythms for the

different conjugations. Irregular verbs were free jazz, their cadences determined by their

peculiarity: “eo-ire-ivi (or ii)- itum” had a fast pace because it meant “to go,” while “nolo,

Learning Latin

By lt. Joseph toth, uSn, Jag

learnIng latIn

nolle, nolui” was loud and defiant because it meant “to be unwilling.” I even obtained a

motto: “nihil me terret.” “I fear nothing.”

over the course of months we devoured cartons of popcorn as we covered the active and

passive voices, the indicative and subjunctive moods, the pluperfect and future perfect

tenses. I easily cleared the test for latin II and found myself at the top of the class. I real-

ized that the method he taught me could be used in other classes with great success. at

last, school began to make sense to me.

two years later, I was a homesick teenager braving the rigors of ovid (latin IV) as well as

the new england winter at my boarding school, when I received a letter from my dad. It

read as follows: “Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit.” It was a quote from Virgil, which

translates: “Someday, perhaps, he will look back on even these things and smile.”

my father was, above all else, a teacher. he was funny and humble and intense and gentle

and had a million great qualities, but most of all, he was a teacher. It was through teach-

ing that he revealed himself most deeply – his sharp mind, his quirky humor, his love of

truth, of beauty, of order, of goodness. I miss him tremendously. the months that he took

to teach me latin changed my life in ways great and small. I am grateful to god for giving

us that time together. Virgil was right: I look back at those days and smile.

Joseph Toth, Dr. William Toth’s son, is a defense attorney in the JAG Corps of the

United States Navy and is stationed in Pearl Harbor, Hawaii.


6 8 6 9


my dad taught me latin during my second eighth grade (the fact that it was my second

eighth grade should explain how well the first eighth grade went). my dad was very busy

at the time, and our conversations about school were of the kind that should be all-too-

familiar to those with adolescent children: he would ask me about school and I would

shrug my shoulders and mumble something before slinking out of the room.

and then came latin. my dad somehow had talked the principal of my new school into al-

lowing me to enroll into latin II, provided I could pass an examination given by the teach-

er. the only problem was that I had never taken a single class in latin. Dad was undaunted.

every evening after dinner I cooked microwaveable popcorn, and we would spend an hour

together conjugating verbs. “Amo-amas-amat-amamus-amatis-amant.” our initial meetings

had a distinctly marine corps feel to them as he played the role of the gunnery Sergeant

to my lance corporal. he tapped his feet: “are you absum (absent) or adsum (present)

today?” “Sum adsum.” he would begin, “Which conjugation are we on?”

his explanations were always simple and complete unto themselves. he explained to

me the difference between a direct (accusative case) and indirect (dative) object: “I hit

the ball to the second baseman. the ball is the direct object, while the second baseman

is the indirect object.” the ablative case: “the ball was hit by the second baseman. the

direct object is the ball, and the object of the preposition is the second baseman.” he

explained that “to run” was an intransitive verb – unless you were running the bulls, as

they do in Spain, in which case it would be transitive. to this day, I have yet to hear a

better explanation.

for the a-stem nouns we developed a musical cadence: “fenestra-fenestrae-fenestrae-fenes-

tram-fenestra…” he explained that to “throw your little brother out the window” would

be to “defenestrate him.” I can still hear him tapping his feet like a jazz drummer keeping

time – “somni-somnorum-somnis-somnos-somnis.” We developed different rhythms for the

different conjugations. Irregular verbs were free jazz, their cadences determined by their

peculiarity: “eo-ire-ivi (or ii)- itum” had a fast pace because it meant “to go,” while “nolo,

Learning Latin

By lt. Joseph toth, uSn, Jag

learnIng latIn

nolle, nolui” was loud and defiant because it meant “to be unwilling.” I even obtained a

motto: “nihil me terret.” “I fear nothing.”

over the course of months we devoured cartons of popcorn as we covered the active and

passive voices, the indicative and subjunctive moods, the pluperfect and future perfect

tenses. I easily cleared the test for latin II and found myself at the top of the class. I real-

ized that the method he taught me could be used in other classes with great success. at

last, school began to make sense to me.

two years later, I was a homesick teenager braving the rigors of ovid (latin IV) as well as

the new england winter at my boarding school, when I received a letter from my dad. It

read as follows: “Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit.” It was a quote from Virgil, which

translates: “Someday, perhaps, he will look back on even these things and smile.”

my father was, above all else, a teacher. he was funny and humble and intense and gentle

and had a million great qualities, but most of all, he was a teacher. It was through teach-

ing that he revealed himself most deeply – his sharp mind, his quirky humor, his love of

truth, of beauty, of order, of goodness. I miss him tremendously. the months that he took

to teach me latin changed my life in ways great and small. I am grateful to god for giving

us that time together. Virgil was right: I look back at those days and smile.

Joseph Toth, Dr. William Toth’s son, is a defense attorney in the JAG Corps of the

United States Navy and is stationed in Pearl Harbor, Hawaii.


7 0 71


“You Always Hurt the One You Love:“ Reconciliation and the Family

By reverend monsignor Joseph r. chapel, S.t.D.

maybe you recall hearing the mills Brothers way back when singing “you always hurt

the one you love.” or if you’re a bit younger, maybe it was the Willie nelson or even the

michael Bublé version. either way, there is a certain truth to be found in that old lyric. If

you think about it, a cross word from a stranger might annoy you, but for the most part,

you need to be in relation with someone for that person really to be able to hurt you — by

action or omission, by what is said or by what fails to be said. and the closer the relation,

the greater the capacity for hurt! What holds true for our relationships in general proves

ever more true within the family: “you always hurt the one you love.”

marriage and family life offer the chance for the deepest experiences of love, vulnerabil-

ity and mutual self-disclosure. But, for that very reason, the capacity for hurt likewise is

greater. consequently, the need for reconciliation is greater, in the same proportion. even

in minor matters, experience shows us that we must ask forgiveness of the other. Where

there also is sin, we also must ask forgiveness of the church, for there is no private sin —

all sin affects the entire Body of christ. all of this needs to be expressed, vocalized, spo-

ken — it cannot be passed over in silence. I would like to suggest here a few of the reasons

why — not by way of theological argument, but by way of human experience through the

prism of a bit of philosophy, which will dovetail with our catholic theology.

fault, harm and offense all need to be reconciled in words. forgiveness must be sought

in words. Why is this so? Well, because a central fact of being human is that we speak.

What separates us from the animals is our gift of reason: we can think about things —

even abstractly. that is, we can think about things that are not present; we can stand back

from our lives and our actions and think about them and put them into words. think-

ing requires language, and reason is mediated by speech. We might teach a chimp to say

“banana,” but unlike us, he never will be able to say “good banana, but the one yesterday

was sweeter.” only humans truly have the faculty of speech.

philosophers of Dialogue tell us that we receive our identity through language; that is,

the ability to use the word “I” comes as a gift from a “thou.” from a mother’s first sound

and touch, we begin to “receive” our “I.” from here, we grow and develop the capacity

for authentic dialogue and “I-thou” relationships — meaning the ability truly to address

one another intimately, in the second person, as persons, and not in the third person as

if speaking about an object.1

our god is “the eternal thou” or “absolute thou,” spoken to in the second person rather

than spoken about in the third person. Because of this we can say that human speech helps

constitute human existence: humans are given the “word.” “having the word” is nothing

short of a miraculous gift from god. It only is in the word, in language, that an “I” meets a

“thou,” that relationship and self-identity can occur, and this word is given in Jesus christ,

the Word made flesh: “In the beginning was the Word;” Jesus, the Logos of St. John’s gos-

pel, mediates between man and god and “stands” between “I” and “thou.” It is through

Jesus that it is possible to address god in another person, in the human “thou.”2

this is a relational reality in which god addresses us, his creation, in his own words

and through his own Word — Jesus christ, the Word made flesh, who is the very lan-

guage of god. We, in turn, are invited to respond to god’s address in and through our

relationships, our moral life. In this “dialogical” dynamic, god reaches “down” to reveal

himself to us. What we call “theology” is a part of this: a word (logos) from god (theou).

We respond, reaching back “up” to god, through all the choices of our moral life. this is

a daily reality experienced in “a more intense way in the sacraments,”3 as visible signs of

an invisible reality.

In all of this, anything — indeed everything — that truly is important must find its way

into expression and into speech. Sometimes I might think that something exists only in

my mind and that there is something “I can’t put into words.” But in fact, if I can think

it, I can find the words to say it, for thought already happens in light of language. this

is why there is no “private language” that exists only in my head; there is nothing that

cannot be expressed.4

the gift of language gives humans the possibility of naming and concretizing our experi-

ences in words. “naming” does not simply put labels on things, but rather it summons

them into presence, drawing them near and making them present. likewise, speaking

always implies the second person: “the ‘I say’ is logically incomplete. to complete it we

must formulate it as follows: ‘I say to you; and I await your response.’”5 Speaking and

naming make speech “public;” language is a communal phenomenon.

no wonder speaking is so difficult at times! Sometimes I don’t want to “say it” because

what I imagine to be hidden within me now will find its way out into the “public” realm,

with a name. think of the first time you realized you were in love, and you decided: “I’m

going to tell that person: ‘I love you.’” Why was it so hard to find the courage to say it?

“you alWayS hurt the one you loVe:” reconcIlIatIon anD the famIly


7 0 71


“You Always Hurt the One You Love:“ Reconciliation and the Family

By reverend monsignor Joseph r. chapel, S.t.D.

maybe you recall hearing the mills Brothers way back when singing “you always hurt

the one you love.” or if you’re a bit younger, maybe it was the Willie nelson or even the

michael Bublé version. either way, there is a certain truth to be found in that old lyric. If

you think about it, a cross word from a stranger might annoy you, but for the most part,

you need to be in relation with someone for that person really to be able to hurt you — by

action or omission, by what is said or by what fails to be said. and the closer the relation,

the greater the capacity for hurt! What holds true for our relationships in general proves

ever more true within the family: “you always hurt the one you love.”

marriage and family life offer the chance for the deepest experiences of love, vulnerabil-

ity and mutual self-disclosure. But, for that very reason, the capacity for hurt likewise is

greater. consequently, the need for reconciliation is greater, in the same proportion. even

in minor matters, experience shows us that we must ask forgiveness of the other. Where

there also is sin, we also must ask forgiveness of the church, for there is no private sin —

all sin affects the entire Body of christ. all of this needs to be expressed, vocalized, spo-

ken — it cannot be passed over in silence. I would like to suggest here a few of the reasons

why — not by way of theological argument, but by way of human experience through the

prism of a bit of philosophy, which will dovetail with our catholic theology.

fault, harm and offense all need to be reconciled in words. forgiveness must be sought

in words. Why is this so? Well, because a central fact of being human is that we speak.

What separates us from the animals is our gift of reason: we can think about things —

even abstractly. that is, we can think about things that are not present; we can stand back

from our lives and our actions and think about them and put them into words. think-

ing requires language, and reason is mediated by speech. We might teach a chimp to say

“banana,” but unlike us, he never will be able to say “good banana, but the one yesterday

was sweeter.” only humans truly have the faculty of speech.

philosophers of Dialogue tell us that we receive our identity through language; that is,

the ability to use the word “I” comes as a gift from a “thou.” from a mother’s first sound

and touch, we begin to “receive” our “I.” from here, we grow and develop the capacity

for authentic dialogue and “I-thou” relationships — meaning the ability truly to address

one another intimately, in the second person, as persons, and not in the third person as

if speaking about an object.1

our god is “the eternal thou” or “absolute thou,” spoken to in the second person rather

than spoken about in the third person. Because of this we can say that human speech helps

constitute human existence: humans are given the “word.” “having the word” is nothing

short of a miraculous gift from god. It only is in the word, in language, that an “I” meets a

“thou,” that relationship and self-identity can occur, and this word is given in Jesus christ,

the Word made flesh: “In the beginning was the Word;” Jesus, the Logos of St. John’s gos-

pel, mediates between man and god and “stands” between “I” and “thou.” It is through

Jesus that it is possible to address god in another person, in the human “thou.”2

this is a relational reality in which god addresses us, his creation, in his own words

and through his own Word — Jesus christ, the Word made flesh, who is the very lan-

guage of god. We, in turn, are invited to respond to god’s address in and through our

relationships, our moral life. In this “dialogical” dynamic, god reaches “down” to reveal

himself to us. What we call “theology” is a part of this: a word (logos) from god (theou).

We respond, reaching back “up” to god, through all the choices of our moral life. this is

a daily reality experienced in “a more intense way in the sacraments,”3 as visible signs of

an invisible reality.

In all of this, anything — indeed everything — that truly is important must find its way

into expression and into speech. Sometimes I might think that something exists only in

my mind and that there is something “I can’t put into words.” But in fact, if I can think

it, I can find the words to say it, for thought already happens in light of language. this

is why there is no “private language” that exists only in my head; there is nothing that

cannot be expressed.4

the gift of language gives humans the possibility of naming and concretizing our experi-

ences in words. “naming” does not simply put labels on things, but rather it summons

them into presence, drawing them near and making them present. likewise, speaking

always implies the second person: “the ‘I say’ is logically incomplete. to complete it we

must formulate it as follows: ‘I say to you; and I await your response.’”5 Speaking and

naming make speech “public;” language is a communal phenomenon.

no wonder speaking is so difficult at times! Sometimes I don’t want to “say it” because

what I imagine to be hidden within me now will find its way out into the “public” realm,

with a name. think of the first time you realized you were in love, and you decided: “I’m

going to tell that person: ‘I love you.’” Why was it so hard to find the courage to say it?



7 2 7 3


Well, sometimes speaking does more than just transmit information or data. Sometimes

it can alter reality; it is an action. there are some utterances, such as “I name this ship

the Queen Mary” or “I take this woman for my wife,” which do not describe or report,

but do something. If I say “I do” before the altar, “I am not reporting a marriage — I am

indulging in it.”6 Such a statement is called a “performative:” it performs an action which

is effective, in that it creates a new situation. that is, in the act of enunciation, it brings into

existence a relationship that was not present before. there are some things, in being spo-

ken, which change reality.

Because this kind of speech changes reality, it changes the world. and it awaits a response:

what if you say “I love you,” and your beloved does not respond the same way? one of

the challenges of authentic speech is vulnerability: because my speech “awaits your re-

sponse,” I entrust myself to your freedom to respond as you wish. this is hard enough

when we are speaking of love, but how much harder it is when I must seek your forgive-

ness! We might say that “I’m sorry” is the hard version of saying “I love you.” to say “I

love you” is to affirm something good and positive. to say “I’m sorry” is to affirm that “I

love you” but that I have done something to violate that love, and now I ask you to treat

me as if I had not violated that love. It is so hard to say “I’m sorry” because in so doing,

I entrust you with the complete freedom to accept or not to accept my apology, to grant

or not to grant me forgiveness.

yet, as speaking beings, built to speak what truly is important, we have the experience

of discomfort and imbalance — a “communicative tension” — when we fail to com-

municate a fault to the other, to seek forgiveness from the other. We are less than our-

selves to ourselves, to the other and to all we meet until we seek forgiveness when we

are aware of harm or sin. here we must be careful: there is the temptation to make that

“confession” to the wrong person. If I harmed my brother, there is no point in telling

my friend about it. the temptation here is that telling my friend may be “cathartic,”

that is, it feels good to get the burden “off my chest.” this catharsis is what drives so

many tV programs on which people reveal the most surprising personal matters before

a national audience.

forgiveness is not catharsis. I must bring my sin before my brother whom I’ve offended

if it is actual forgiveness that I seek. and I leave him the freedom to respond. In addition,

because no sin is private or truly solitary, sin always harms the community. So our sin

also must be brought before god in the Sacrament of reconciliation. It is precisely why

Jesus came into the world: to reconcile our sins. yet we keep in mind that Jesus does not

need us to go to confession; Jesus does not need us to participate in any of the Sacraments

— that’s not why he gave them to us. rather, as the old latin adage says, “sacramenta

propter hominem sunt:” sacraments are for us — for man and for woman. god gave us the

sacraments because we need them! god knows how he made each of us — he knows

reVerenD monSIgnor JoSeph r. chapel

each of our very specific weaknesses. he gave us the sacraments because they fit the way

he made us.

We can say we become authentic human subjects in the performative and effective words

we speak: “I love you;” “I’m sorry;” “I forgive you.” But it is in celebrating our daily reality

in the more intense context of the sacraments, as gifts christ gave to his church to meet

our human need (propter hominem), that we come to be authentic believers through far

more performative and efficacious words: “this is my body;” “I’m sorry for my sins;” “I

absolve you.”

What is it that happens in the Sacrament of reconciliation in light of what we have seen

up to this point? Because humans “have the word” in the miracle of language, to confess

our sins out loud is to come out of isolation into authentic encounter with the other. In

confession, we come to god through the human “thou;” we come to the human “thou”

through god, the eternal “thou.” the process of confession of sin, in the broadest sense,

involves the individual, neighbor, god and the whole community of believers, which is

the church.

Within the overall process of confession of sin, examination of conscience closely cor-

responds to “naming.” one can try to avoid the admission of guilt or sin by not naming

the offense, by not giving the reality a name, even in the silence of one’s heart. however,

once the name is given, there is a concreteness that needs to be voiced in speech — a

“communicative tension.” once the name is given, there is no going back; I no longer

can pretend to be neutral.

In naming my sins, I recognize that there is a relational “other” whom I have offended.

the need to speak out what I have named becomes evident. confession involves open-

ing the self back up to authentic relationship with god and others and, once sins are

“named,” bringing them into speech.

this relational “other,” in the act of confession, will reveal me to myself, bringing me

out of isolation and into the public world of the christian community. Just as there is

no “private language,” there is no private sin. Sin must be brought into speech because

authentic language requires two people. the other, the “thou,” “guarantees” my authen-

ticity. In “receiving” the word of my confession, the “thou” reveals me to myself in truth.

When the sin revealed by an examination of conscience does not come into word, I am

not yet freed of the burden.

confession also is “performative” because it “does what it says” in the very act of being

said, so that as both word and act, confession is a word act by which the subject commits

himself or herself. the self-commitment that occurs in confession is a language act but



7 2 7 3


Well, sometimes speaking does more than just transmit information or data. Sometimes

it can alter reality; it is an action. there are some utterances, such as “I name this ship

the Queen Mary” or “I take this woman for my wife,” which do not describe or report,

but do something. If I say “I do” before the altar, “I am not reporting a marriage — I am

indulging in it.”6 Such a statement is called a “performative:” it performs an action which

is effective, in that it creates a new situation. that is, in the act of enunciation, it brings into

existence a relationship that was not present before. there are some things, in being spo-

ken, which change reality.

Because this kind of speech changes reality, it changes the world. and it awaits a response:

what if you say “I love you,” and your beloved does not respond the same way? one of

the challenges of authentic speech is vulnerability: because my speech “awaits your re-

sponse,” I entrust myself to your freedom to respond as you wish. this is hard enough

when we are speaking of love, but how much harder it is when I must seek your forgive-

ness! We might say that “I’m sorry” is the hard version of saying “I love you.” to say “I

love you” is to affirm something good and positive. to say “I’m sorry” is to affirm that “I

love you” but that I have done something to violate that love, and now I ask you to treat

me as if I had not violated that love. It is so hard to say “I’m sorry” because in so doing,

I entrust you with the complete freedom to accept or not to accept my apology, to grant

or not to grant me forgiveness.

yet, as speaking beings, built to speak what truly is important, we have the experience

of discomfort and imbalance — a “communicative tension” — when we fail to com-

municate a fault to the other, to seek forgiveness from the other. We are less than our-

selves to ourselves, to the other and to all we meet until we seek forgiveness when we

are aware of harm or sin. here we must be careful: there is the temptation to make that

“confession” to the wrong person. If I harmed my brother, there is no point in telling

my friend about it. the temptation here is that telling my friend may be “cathartic,”

that is, it feels good to get the burden “off my chest.” this catharsis is what drives so

many tV programs on which people reveal the most surprising personal matters before

a national audience.

forgiveness is not catharsis. I must bring my sin before my brother whom I’ve offended

if it is actual forgiveness that I seek. and I leave him the freedom to respond. In addition,

because no sin is private or truly solitary, sin always harms the community. So our sin

also must be brought before god in the Sacrament of reconciliation. It is precisely why

Jesus came into the world: to reconcile our sins. yet we keep in mind that Jesus does not

need us to go to confession; Jesus does not need us to participate in any of the Sacraments

— that’s not why he gave them to us. rather, as the old latin adage says, “sacramenta

propter hominem sunt:” sacraments are for us — for man and for woman. god gave us the

sacraments because we need them! god knows how he made each of us — he knows


each of our very specific weaknesses. he gave us the sacraments because they fit the way

he made us.

We can say we become authentic human subjects in the performative and effective words

we speak: “I love you;” “I’m sorry;” “I forgive you.” But it is in celebrating our daily reality

in the more intense context of the sacraments, as gifts christ gave to his church to meet

our human need (propter hominem), that we come to be authentic believers through far

more performative and efficacious words: “this is my body;” “I’m sorry for my sins;” “I

absolve you.”

What is it that happens in the Sacrament of reconciliation in light of what we have seen

up to this point? Because humans “have the word” in the miracle of language, to confess

our sins out loud is to come out of isolation into authentic encounter with the other. In

confession, we come to god through the human “thou;” we come to the human “thou”

through god, the eternal “thou.” the process of confession of sin, in the broadest sense,

involves the individual, neighbor, god and the whole community of believers, which is

the church.

Within the overall process of confession of sin, examination of conscience closely cor-

responds to “naming.” one can try to avoid the admission of guilt or sin by not naming

the offense, by not giving the reality a name, even in the silence of one’s heart. however,

once the name is given, there is a concreteness that needs to be voiced in speech — a

“communicative tension.” once the name is given, there is no going back; I no longer

can pretend to be neutral.

In naming my sins, I recognize that there is a relational “other” whom I have offended.

the need to speak out what I have named becomes evident. confession involves open-

ing the self back up to authentic relationship with god and others and, once sins are

“named,” bringing them into speech.

this relational “other,” in the act of confession, will reveal me to myself, bringing me

out of isolation and into the public world of the christian community. Just as there is

no “private language,” there is no private sin. Sin must be brought into speech because

authentic language requires two people. the other, the “thou,” “guarantees” my authen-

ticity. In “receiving” the word of my confession, the “thou” reveals me to myself in truth.

When the sin revealed by an examination of conscience does not come into word, I am

not yet freed of the burden.

confession also is “performative” because it “does what it says” in the very act of being

said, so that as both word and act, confession is a word act by which the subject commits

himself or herself. the self-commitment that occurs in confession is a language act but



7 4 7 5


also a moral act: in confessing, the subjects affirm their freedom; at the same time, con-

fession recognizes the freedom of the other to offer or to withhold forgiveness.

Still, even in the context of sin, it is not uncommon to hear the question: “Why should I

confess to a priest? I confess my sins directly to god in my prayers; he knows I’m sorry.”

of course, it is true that god knows our sins and the church recognizes that perfect con-

trition is sufficient for forgiveness where sacramental confession is impossible. now that

the significance of the actual naming and performativity of speech is clear, we can grasp

easily the danger that the insistence on confessing to god alone may mask a serious self-

deception, for “the comfort that we take in confessing our sins to god alone might be a

sign that we are really confessing our sins to ourselves and granting ourselves our own ab-

solution. Self-forgiveness ... can bring neither peace, nor true healing. ...”7 there is a real

temptation toward self-justification or rationalization of guilt in a society such as ours

that often does not recognize the hopefulness of the christian message of forgiveness.

our reality ultimately is communal, and this is possible only through Jesus, the Word,

who founds our being. and it is in Jesus that we have the word which founds our re-

lationships with ourselves, with god and with neighbor. there is no private reality in

which the community is not present also. for this reason, the authentic word of love

between an “I” and a “thou” must be spoken to be effective. So, too, must confession

be spoken to be effective. Where there is hurt, the desire for forgiveness must come to

speech. for there is no hurt, not even in the most private of sins, that does not affect the

community even as it offends god. even if the apparent hurt is to the individual only,

that person is less than the whole person he or she is called to be by god and less than

fully present to the community: “regardless of its personal nature, sin is never just an in-

dividual, or even a private affair; rather, a sin committed by an individual human being

touches the people of god in their entirety; it damages their wholeness and is thus truly

‘dangerous to the public.’”8

Where sin is understood as closing oneself off from the other and where relation needs

to be restored, the authentic “naming” of sin is accompanied by the drive to bring it to

speech in confession: to confess my sin, to say I am sorry, to hear the words of forgive-

ness that restore and reconstitute a broken relation. to say “I confess my sins to god

alone, directly in my thoughts, and I know I am forgiven” suggests the possibility of side-

stepping authentic human existence and perhaps also side-stepping true freedom and

responsibility. to avoid bringing my sins into word may be to avoid the truth of myself.

as the song says: “you always hurt the one you love.” yes, the more intimate the relation-

ship, the more profound the possibility of hurt and sin — all the more true in the most

intimate setting of all: the family. yet god does not leave us orphaned: christ’s Incarna-

tion showed that the eternal “thou” is met in and through the human “thou.” We are


given all that we need to repair and restore these most intimate family relationships,

and ultimately, to deepen them. through the church, god gives us the Sacrament of

reconciliation as a gift to meet our human need. When our family bonds are strained or

broken, god continues to call us and invite us back. We are invited to speak our sorrow

out loud and to hear god’s forgiveness in the Word.9

Reverend Monsignor Joseph Chapel is Associate Dean, Co-director of the

Institute for Christian Spirituality and Assistant Professor of Christian Ethics

at Immaculate Conception Seminary School of Theology. He holds a doctorate

in Theology from the Alphonsian Academy of the Pontifical Lateran University

in Rome and a Master’s in International Relations from Johns Hopkins Univer-

sity’s Paul S. Nitze School of Advanced International Studies.

noteS

1. martin Buber, I and Thou, trans. Walter Kaufmann (new york: charles Scribner’s

Sons, 1970), 54.

2. ferdinand ebner, Das Wort und die geistigen Realitäten. Pnuematologische Fragmente

(Innsbruck, 1921), citing John 1:1ff.

3. Karl rahner, “faith and Sacrament,” Theological Investigations 23 (london: Darton,

longman & todd, 1992).

4. ludwig Wittgenstein, Philosophical Investigations, trans. g. e. m. anscombe (new

york: macmillan, 1953), especially §7, §23, §27-28, §261, §340.

5. martin heidegger, On The Way to Language, trans. peter D. hertz (San francisco:

harper, 1982) and John macmurray, The Self as Agent (london: faber and faber ltd.,

1957), 73-74.

6. J. l. austin, How to Do Things With Words, eds. J. o. urmson and marina Sbisà, 2 ed.

(cambridge: harvard university press, 1975), esp. 219.

7. for a concise presentation of confession of sins to god alone, see John o’Donnell,

S.J., “the need to confess,” america 144 (march 28, 1981): 252-253.

8. Walter Kasper, “the church as a place of forgiveness,” Communio 16 (Summer,

1989), 167.

9. for more on the topics found in this article see, Joseph r. chapel, “Why confess

our Sins out loud?: Some possibilities Based on the thought of ferdinand ebner and

louis-marie chauvet,” Irish Theological Quarterly 66 (2001): 141-156; “philosophy in the

ongoing renewal of moral theology: Dialogical personalism revisited,” Studia moralia

40 (2002): 205-236; “philosophy as preparation for Sacramental theology and moral life,

Seminary Journal 11, no. 1 (Spring, 2005): 27-35.



7 4 7 5


also a moral act: in confessing, the subjects affirm their freedom; at the same time, con-

fession recognizes the freedom of the other to offer or to withhold forgiveness.

Still, even in the context of sin, it is not uncommon to hear the question: “Why should I

confess to a priest? I confess my sins directly to god in my prayers; he knows I’m sorry.”

of course, it is true that god knows our sins and the church recognizes that perfect con-

trition is sufficient for forgiveness where sacramental confession is impossible. now that

the significance of the actual naming and performativity of speech is clear, we can grasp

easily the danger that the insistence on confessing to god alone may mask a serious self-

deception, for “the comfort that we take in confessing our sins to god alone might be a

sign that we are really confessing our sins to ourselves and granting ourselves our own ab-

solution. Self-forgiveness ... can bring neither peace, nor true healing. ...”7 there is a real

temptation toward self-justification or rationalization of guilt in a society such as ours

that often does not recognize the hopefulness of the christian message of forgiveness.

our reality ultimately is communal, and this is possible only through Jesus, the Word,

who founds our being. and it is in Jesus that we have the word which founds our re-

lationships with ourselves, with god and with neighbor. there is no private reality in

which the community is not present also. for this reason, the authentic word of love

between an “I” and a “thou” must be spoken to be effective. So, too, must confession

be spoken to be effective. Where there is hurt, the desire for forgiveness must come to

speech. for there is no hurt, not even in the most private of sins, that does not affect the

community even as it offends god. even if the apparent hurt is to the individual only,

that person is less than the whole person he or she is called to be by god and less than

fully present to the community: “regardless of its personal nature, sin is never just an in-

dividual, or even a private affair; rather, a sin committed by an individual human being

touches the people of god in their entirety; it damages their wholeness and is thus truly

‘dangerous to the public.’”8

Where sin is understood as closing oneself off from the other and where relation needs

to be restored, the authentic “naming” of sin is accompanied by the drive to bring it to

speech in confession: to confess my sin, to say I am sorry, to hear the words of forgive-

ness that restore and reconstitute a broken relation. to say “I confess my sins to god

alone, directly in my thoughts, and I know I am forgiven” suggests the possibility of side-

stepping authentic human existence and perhaps also side-stepping true freedom and

responsibility. to avoid bringing my sins into word may be to avoid the truth of myself.

as the song says: “you always hurt the one you love.” yes, the more intimate the relation-

ship, the more profound the possibility of hurt and sin — all the more true in the most

intimate setting of all: the family. yet god does not leave us orphaned: christ’s Incarna-

tion showed that the eternal “thou” is met in and through the human “thou.” We are


given all that we need to repair and restore these most intimate family relationships,

and ultimately, to deepen them. through the church, god gives us the Sacrament of

reconciliation as a gift to meet our human need. When our family bonds are strained or

broken, god continues to call us and invite us back. We are invited to speak our sorrow

out loud and to hear god’s forgiveness in the Word.9

Reverend Monsignor Joseph Chapel is Associate Dean, Co-director of the

Institute for Christian Spirituality and Assistant Professor of Christian Ethics

at Immaculate Conception Seminary School of Theology. He holds a doctorate

in Theology from the Alphonsian Academy of the Pontifical Lateran University

in Rome and a Master’s in International Relations from Johns Hopkins Univer-

sity’s Paul S. Nitze School of Advanced International Studies.

noteS

1. martin Buber, I and Thou, trans. Walter Kaufmann (new york: charles Scribner’s

Sons, 1970), 54.

2. ferdinand ebner, Das Wort und die geistigen Realitäten. Pnuematologische Fragmente

(Innsbruck, 1921), citing John 1:1ff.

3. Karl rahner, “faith and Sacrament,” Theological Investigations 23 (london: Darton,

longman & todd, 1992).

4. ludwig Wittgenstein, Philosophical Investigations, trans. g. e. m. anscombe (new

york: macmillan, 1953), especially §7, §23, §27-28, §261, §340.

5. martin heidegger, On The Way to Language, trans. peter D. hertz (San francisco:

harper, 1982) and John macmurray, The Self as Agent (london: faber and faber ltd.,

1957), 73-74.

6. J. l. austin, How to Do Things With Words, eds. J. o. urmson and marina Sbisà, 2 ed.

(cambridge: harvard university press, 1975), esp. 219.

7. for a concise presentation of confession of sins to god alone, see John o’Donnell,

S.J., “the need to confess,” america 144 (march 28, 1981): 252-253.

8. Walter Kasper, “the church as a place of forgiveness,” Communio 16 (Summer,

1989), 167.

9. for more on the topics found in this article see, Joseph r. chapel, “Why confess

our Sins out loud?: Some possibilities Based on the thought of ferdinand ebner and

louis-marie chauvet,” Irish Theological Quarterly 66 (2001): 141-156; “philosophy in the

ongoing renewal of moral theology: Dialogical personalism revisited,” Studia moralia

40 (2002): 205-236; “philosophy as preparation for Sacramental theology and moral life,

Seminary Journal 11, no. 1 (Spring, 2005): 27-35.



7 6 7 7


Seeing Things as They Are

By reverend Stephen toth, m.Div.

I recall driving with my father southbound on the Westside highway in new york city

sometime in the late 1970s. I remember the rattle and gasp of the oldsmobile diesel as

we wove in and out of traffic, past the spires of the riverside church, grant’s tomb, and

the Boat Basin, as the road descended toward “hell’s Kitchen.” the topic moved to the

hotly debated “Westway” highway project, which would have moved the West Side high-

way underground. Dad told me he was solidly in favor of the project, especially since his

beloved cousin george was in line to be the project manager. he explained the case to me

and told me about the infamous “Darter Snail.” my mind held fast to the odd juxtaposi-

tion of “darter” and “snail.” I discerned that my father classified “darter snail” along with

“los angeles Dodger,” as another indignity foisted upon working class new yorkers.

as we made our way through stop-and-go traffic, docks to the right, warehouses to the

left, derelicts with dirty rags surrounded our car. the air conditioning was on full blast

and I felt the onset of a freon headache. the garbage was piled high on the curb and my

dad got into a heated exchange with a junkie who lingered long on the crosswalk after the

light had changed. We were enjoying an experience typical of new york city in the 1970s.

he turned to me and said: “It is important to experience things as they really are.”

my father had a great disdain for ideologues. he believed ideologies compromised a per-

son’s ability to participate in reality. he referred to ideologies as prisms through which

the harsh, brilliant and unrelenting light of reality was refracted into a spectrum. Ideo-

logues saw rainbows where none were to be found.

I see in my father a synthesis of the realism of a working class kid who grew up in an

Irish neighborhood in manhattan filled with cats and kids and the realism of St. thomas

aquinas as presented by etienne gilson and later pope John paul II. he often recounted

how my grandfather, born in Budapest, cried in anguish when the West turned a deaf

ear to the pleas of the hungarians. president eisenhower did not understand the nature

of their cries but the church did. Solzhenitsyn and the students in Budapest and prague

didn’t want to live in the West. they wanted to live in reality. Ideology is an assault on

our capacity to know and to be. my father found in John paul II a person who understood

and represented this fact.

growing up in new york city, he observed and experienced things on the streets of his be-

loved Westside neighborhood. he listened to longshoremen and nuns and cops and clean-

ing ladies. he was aware of wars and rumors of war. he also held fast to the church. he

often served the 5 a.m. mass on weekdays at holy name parish. he told me of Irish dock-

workers with shipping hooks dangling from their belts kneeling to receive communion

after unloading cargo ships all night. he never forgot where he came from.

he experienced the church, a sacrament that let a person enter into reality unflinch-

ingly, with all of its distortions, mercies, abominations and graces. She was not a place

where one hid from life. the church as mother gave us life, a life free from the fear of

non-being. She is the prolongation of the event of christ, in whom we live and move and

have our being.

Father Stephen Toth, Dr. William Toth’s son, is a graduate of Immaculate

Conception Seminary School of Theology and was ordained to the priesthood

in 2002. Father Toth works in Pastoral Ministry at Valley Hospital in Ridge-

wood, New Jersey.

SeeIng thIngS aS they are


7 6 7 7


Seeing Things as They Are

By reverend Stephen toth, m.Div.

I recall driving with my father southbound on the Westside highway in new york city

sometime in the late 1970s. I remember the rattle and gasp of the oldsmobile diesel as

we wove in and out of traffic, past the spires of the riverside church, grant’s tomb, and

the Boat Basin, as the road descended toward “hell’s Kitchen.” the topic moved to the

hotly debated “Westway” highway project, which would have moved the West Side high-

way underground. Dad told me he was solidly in favor of the project, especially since his

beloved cousin george was in line to be the project manager. he explained the case to me

and told me about the infamous “Darter Snail.” my mind held fast to the odd juxtaposi-

tion of “darter” and “snail.” I discerned that my father classified “darter snail” along with

“los angeles Dodger,” as another indignity foisted upon working class new yorkers.

as we made our way through stop-and-go traffic, docks to the right, warehouses to the

left, derelicts with dirty rags surrounded our car. the air conditioning was on full blast

and I felt the onset of a freon headache. the garbage was piled high on the curb and my

dad got into a heated exchange with a junkie who lingered long on the crosswalk after the

light had changed. We were enjoying an experience typical of new york city in the 1970s.

he turned to me and said: “It is important to experience things as they really are.”

my father had a great disdain for ideologues. he believed ideologies compromised a per-

son’s ability to participate in reality. he referred to ideologies as prisms through which

the harsh, brilliant and unrelenting light of reality was refracted into a spectrum. Ideo-

logues saw rainbows where none were to be found.

I see in my father a synthesis of the realism of a working class kid who grew up in an

Irish neighborhood in manhattan filled with cats and kids and the realism of St. thomas

aquinas as presented by etienne gilson and later pope John paul II. he often recounted

how my grandfather, born in Budapest, cried in anguish when the West turned a deaf

ear to the pleas of the hungarians. president eisenhower did not understand the nature

of their cries but the church did. Solzhenitsyn and the students in Budapest and prague

didn’t want to live in the West. they wanted to live in reality. Ideology is an assault on

our capacity to know and to be. my father found in John paul II a person who understood

and represented this fact.

growing up in new york city, he observed and experienced things on the streets of his be-

loved Westside neighborhood. he listened to longshoremen and nuns and cops and clean-

ing ladies. he was aware of wars and rumors of war. he also held fast to the church. he

often served the 5 a.m. mass on weekdays at holy name parish. he told me of Irish dock-

workers with shipping hooks dangling from their belts kneeling to receive communion

after unloading cargo ships all night. he never forgot where he came from.

he experienced the church, a sacrament that let a person enter into reality unflinch-

ingly, with all of its distortions, mercies, abominations and graces. She was not a place

where one hid from life. the church as mother gave us life, a life free from the fear of

non-being. She is the prolongation of the event of christ, in whom we live and move and

have our being.

Father Stephen Toth, Dr. William Toth’s son, is a graduate of Immaculate

Conception Seminary School of Theology and was ordained to the priesthood

in 2002. Father Toth works in Pastoral Ministry at Valley Hospital in Ridge-

wood, New Jersey.

SeeIng thIngS aS they are


7 8 7 9


In chapter 5 of Lumen Gentium, the catholic church recognizes and calls all mankind to

follow “the universal call to holiness,”1 the idea and ideal that the whole of humanity

is called to live in a manner befitting true children of god. thankfully, we are not left to

our own devices in pursuing the ideal of holiness. through our Baptism, we are entitled

to an infinite fountain of graces from heaven, which are meant to guide and strengthen

us in our lives as we journey to our ultimate destination. through christ’s sacrifice on

calvary, through the gifts of the holy Spirit, through the wisdom of the gospels and the

example of the saints, we receive what we need to live full, proper and holy lives.

all are called to their own unique vocation, and all are offered the graces appropriate to

their place in life. all are given the gifts they need to fulfill the call to holiness. all have

numerous examples of the holy men and women who have come before — either reli-

gious or lay — to give inspiration and guidance.

for most, their vocation lies within the married life, where they have been given graces

and gifts through the Sacrament of marriage. upon those in the married life, heaven has

bestowed a series of what St. augustine refers to as “goods,”2 to ensure they can live fully,

as christians, in the honorable manner to which husband and wife are called. unfortu-

nately, these goods often are overlooked or ignored by the married couple. the blessings

available to every married couple are there for the taking. Since marriage is so common

and because it has been the basis of society for millennia, the wonder of the state, the

glory of the gift of marriage, which god has given, often is overlooked.

part of the problem is the lens through which marriage is viewed in contemporary soci-

ety. We have seen over the past generation a breakdown of the institution once revered as

the firm foundation of any stable society. today, divorce and adultery are rampant and

same-sex unions are being put on par with heterosexual marriage. to many, marriage is

just another phase of life, something one does, along with getting a job and buying a

house. Similar to a job or a house, marriage is not always seen as permanent in our cul-

ture. Instead, one tries to trade up, to bigger and better.

The “Goods” of Marriage

By Stephen nakrosis, m.a.t.

the “gooDS” of marrIage

The Creation of Marriageone remedy for today’s commonly held view of marriage is to recall what the church

teaches as the ultimate end of married life. In Casti Connubii, pius XI writes that god

intended marriage to be “the principle and foundation of domestic society.”3 the Sacra-

ment of marriage, like all sacraments, was instituted by god to aid sinful man, to confer

the graces needed to withstand the temptations that beset us daily, to act as a sign and,

at the same time, to create that very thing which that sign represents. as the new Jersey

Bishops recently noted: “marriage not only is a call to holiness, it also is the foundation

of the family and society. marriage as a union of one man and one woman has its roots

not only in human tradition and history, but also in natural law, which transcends all

man-made law. god is the author of marriage.”4

god created marriage for the good of mankind. In genesis, god himself remarks: “’It is

not good for the man to be alone” (gen. 2:18 naB). none of the animals in eden is the

equal of adam and none is worthy to be his helpmate. for that, he would need a being

of equal dignity, equal ability and equal worth. thus, god takes not mud, with which he

formed adam, but rather a rib, a part of adam himself, to form eve. as he did for adam,

god himself breathes life into eve. She is not subordinate to adam, but of the exact same

essence. the means by which god brings life to the newly formed eve are identical to

those god used to bring life to adam.

Before her creation, god refers to eve as “a suitable partner for [adam]” (gen. 2:18 naB).

this phrase represents not a diminishment but a differentiation from adam. eve’s role is

different from adam’s, but in no way is she to be seen as subservient. her dignity and the

dignity of her office are on par with adam’s.

adam himself proclaims as much. When he first sees eve, he “exults” and proclaims:

“the man said, ‘this is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; She shall be called

Woman, Because she was taken out of man.’ for this reason a man shall leave his father

and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh” (gen. 2:23-

24 naB).

this idea of two becoming one flesh is evoked by our Savior when he is questioned about

the permissibility of divorce. In matthew’s gospel, he reminds the pharisees of the cre-

ation account in genesis, remarking on the status of husband and wife as “no longer two

but one flesh” (matt. 19:6 naB).

this mystery is discussed by St. paul in his letter to the ephesians, when he teaches how

christians should comport themselves while living in this sinful world. he writes that

husbands and wives should “be subject to one another in the fear of christ. Wives, be

subject to your own husbands, as to the lord. for the husband is the head of the wife, as


7 8 7 9


In chapter 5 of Lumen Gentium, the catholic church recognizes and calls all mankind to

follow “the universal call to holiness,”1 the idea and ideal that the whole of humanity

is called to live in a manner befitting true children of god. thankfully, we are not left to

our own devices in pursuing the ideal of holiness. through our Baptism, we are entitled

to an infinite fountain of graces from heaven, which are meant to guide and strengthen

us in our lives as we journey to our ultimate destination. through christ’s sacrifice on

calvary, through the gifts of the holy Spirit, through the wisdom of the gospels and the

example of the saints, we receive what we need to live full, proper and holy lives.

all are called to their own unique vocation, and all are offered the graces appropriate to

their place in life. all are given the gifts they need to fulfill the call to holiness. all have

numerous examples of the holy men and women who have come before — either reli-

gious or lay — to give inspiration and guidance.

for most, their vocation lies within the married life, where they have been given graces

and gifts through the Sacrament of marriage. upon those in the married life, heaven has

bestowed a series of what St. augustine refers to as “goods,”2 to ensure they can live fully,

as christians, in the honorable manner to which husband and wife are called. unfortu-

nately, these goods often are overlooked or ignored by the married couple. the blessings

available to every married couple are there for the taking. Since marriage is so common

and because it has been the basis of society for millennia, the wonder of the state, the

glory of the gift of marriage, which god has given, often is overlooked.

part of the problem is the lens through which marriage is viewed in contemporary soci-

ety. We have seen over the past generation a breakdown of the institution once revered as

the firm foundation of any stable society. today, divorce and adultery are rampant and

same-sex unions are being put on par with heterosexual marriage. to many, marriage is

just another phase of life, something one does, along with getting a job and buying a

house. Similar to a job or a house, marriage is not always seen as permanent in our cul-

ture. Instead, one tries to trade up, to bigger and better.

The “Goods” of Marriage

By Stephen nakrosis, m.a.t.


The Creation of Marriageone remedy for today’s commonly held view of marriage is to recall what the church

teaches as the ultimate end of married life. In Casti Connubii, pius XI writes that god

intended marriage to be “the principle and foundation of domestic society.”3 the Sacra-

ment of marriage, like all sacraments, was instituted by god to aid sinful man, to confer

the graces needed to withstand the temptations that beset us daily, to act as a sign and,

at the same time, to create that very thing which that sign represents. as the new Jersey

Bishops recently noted: “marriage not only is a call to holiness, it also is the foundation

of the family and society. marriage as a union of one man and one woman has its roots

not only in human tradition and history, but also in natural law, which transcends all

man-made law. god is the author of marriage.”4

god created marriage for the good of mankind. In genesis, god himself remarks: “’It is

not good for the man to be alone” (gen. 2:18 naB). none of the animals in eden is the

equal of adam and none is worthy to be his helpmate. for that, he would need a being

of equal dignity, equal ability and equal worth. thus, god takes not mud, with which he

formed adam, but rather a rib, a part of adam himself, to form eve. as he did for adam,

god himself breathes life into eve. She is not subordinate to adam, but of the exact same

essence. the means by which god brings life to the newly formed eve are identical to

those god used to bring life to adam.

Before her creation, god refers to eve as “a suitable partner for [adam]” (gen. 2:18 naB).

this phrase represents not a diminishment but a differentiation from adam. eve’s role is

different from adam’s, but in no way is she to be seen as subservient. her dignity and the

dignity of her office are on par with adam’s.

adam himself proclaims as much. When he first sees eve, he “exults” and proclaims:

“the man said, ‘this is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; She shall be called

Woman, Because she was taken out of man.’ for this reason a man shall leave his father

and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh” (gen. 2:23-

24 naB).

this idea of two becoming one flesh is evoked by our Savior when he is questioned about

the permissibility of divorce. In matthew’s gospel, he reminds the pharisees of the cre-

ation account in genesis, remarking on the status of husband and wife as “no longer two

but one flesh” (matt. 19:6 naB).

this mystery is discussed by St. paul in his letter to the ephesians, when he teaches how

christians should comport themselves while living in this sinful world. he writes that

husbands and wives should “be subject to one another in the fear of christ. Wives, be

subject to your own husbands, as to the lord. for the husband is the head of the wife, as


8 0 81


Stephen naKroSIS

christ also is the head of the church, he himself being the Savior of the body. But as the

church is subject to christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything”

(eph. 5:21-24 naSB). St. paul expands upon the obligation husbands must have for their

wives and reinforces the concept of one flesh:

husbands, love your wives, just as christ also loved the church and gave him-

self up for her, so that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing

of water with the word, that he might present to himself the church in all her

glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy

and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own

bodies. he who loves his own wife loves himself. (eph. 5:25-28 naB)

this is not license, however, for the husband to lord over his wife, as a master would over

a slave. the two are part of one flesh, mutually joined in a loving relationship, and are of

equal worth. this point is amplified by pope John paul II in his apostolic exhortation,

Familiaris Consortio: “authentic conjugal love presupposes and requires that a man have

a profound respect for the equal dignity of his wife: ‘you are not her master,’ writes St.

ambrose, ‘but her husband; she was not given to you to be your slave, but your wife....

reciprocate her attentiveness to you and be grateful to her for her love.’”5

pope leo XIII, in his encyclical on marriage, “Arcanum,” reminds the married couple that

they are companions to each other and must act to aid their spouse as they strive for

salvation. he writes:

they are bound, namely, to have such feelings for one another as to cherish

always very great mutual love, to be ever faithful to their marriage vow, and

to give one another an unfailing and unselfish help. the husband is the chief

of the family and the head of the wife. the woman, because she is flesh of his

flesh, and bone of his bone, must be subject to her husband and obey him; not,

indeed, as a servant, but as a companion, so that her obedience shall be wanting

in neither honor nor dignity.6

Joined together in love, through the gift of the sacrament, the married couple con-

sciously should strive to act always in a manner befitting the dignity and honor of their

state. as mutual co-creators of their marriage, they are called to act, in their own unique

ways, to bring themselves and their spouse to a better understanding of their christian

vocation.

Goods definedWithin the marriage, there are goods to be pursued and ends to be attained. the pursuit

of these goods is a mutual act. they cannot be attained by individual effort but must be


attained through the concerted efforts of the husband and wife. St. augustine, in his work

On The Good Of Marriage lists the three goods as proles, or children; fides, or fidelity; and

sacramentum, or a sacramental lifestyle.7 these goods cannot be enjoyed in isolation but

only within the context of a loving, sacramental relationship. these goods are gifts given

by the spouses, one to the other, under the mandate of heaven.

It takes both father and mother to bring about new life. although augustine lists children

as the first of the goods, this should not be construed to mean that this particular good

holds primacy of place over the other two. rather, the child is the most visible sign of the

love that exists between husband and wife. the child originates in the loving embrace

of husband and wife, brought about by love, is raised in love and, in turn, creates and

returns love. the child returns the love of the parents and strengthens the bond of love

between husband and wife. “fecundity is the fruit and the sign of conjugal love, the living

testimony of the full reciprocal self-giving of the spouses.”8

more than just being the originators of life, the father and mother are called upon to raise

their progeny as good christians. By this mutual task, they are drawn closer together,

closer to their children and closer to an understanding and love of the almighty. pius XI

writes: “In the training and education of children, which must extend over a period of

many years, it plays a great part, since the grave and long enduring burdens of this office

are best borne by the united efforts of the parents.”9

the child is a gift, given by god, given by the spouses, one to the other. When the wife

becomes a mother, she gains a new and greater understanding of her femininity. through

the child, the husband becomes more aware of his masculine nature. through their loving

and mutual efforts to raise their child, the husband and wife bring each other to a greater

awareness of their roles as man and woman, husband and wife, father and mother.

St. augustine’s second good of marriage is fidelity. the husband and wife owe to each

other, and offer to each other, a loving, exclusive, monogamous relationship. not all

couples are given the gift of children. But all couples, all husbands and all wives, can

give their spouse the everlasting gift of fidelity. the promise made during the wedding is

“to be true,” and each married person can live that truth every day. although the marital

good of proles, children, is the most visible sign of the love between husband and wife,

especially to the world at large, no less visible to the married couple is the fidelity with

which they live, the truth with which they demonstrate their love every day. Without the

presence of the spouse, there would be no opportunity to demonstrate fidelity. It is only

within the lived truth of the marriage that the good of fidelity is cultivated.

With this fidelity, the couple owes each other not just continence of body but also conti-

nence of affection. “you have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell


8 0 81


Stephen naKroSIS

christ also is the head of the church, he himself being the Savior of the body. But as the

church is subject to christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything”

(eph. 5:21-24 naSB). St. paul expands upon the obligation husbands must have for their

wives and reinforces the concept of one flesh:

husbands, love your wives, just as christ also loved the church and gave him-

self up for her, so that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing

of water with the word, that he might present to himself the church in all her

glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy

and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own

bodies. he who loves his own wife loves himself. (eph. 5:25-28 naB)

this is not license, however, for the husband to lord over his wife, as a master would over

a slave. the two are part of one flesh, mutually joined in a loving relationship, and are of

equal worth. this point is amplified by pope John paul II in his apostolic exhortation,

Familiaris Consortio: “authentic conjugal love presupposes and requires that a man have

a profound respect for the equal dignity of his wife: ‘you are not her master,’ writes St.

ambrose, ‘but her husband; she was not given to you to be your slave, but your wife....

reciprocate her attentiveness to you and be grateful to her for her love.’”5

pope leo XIII, in his encyclical on marriage, “Arcanum,” reminds the married couple that

they are companions to each other and must act to aid their spouse as they strive for

salvation. he writes:

they are bound, namely, to have such feelings for one another as to cherish

always very great mutual love, to be ever faithful to their marriage vow, and

to give one another an unfailing and unselfish help. the husband is the chief

of the family and the head of the wife. the woman, because she is flesh of his

flesh, and bone of his bone, must be subject to her husband and obey him; not,

indeed, as a servant, but as a companion, so that her obedience shall be wanting

in neither honor nor dignity.6

Joined together in love, through the gift of the sacrament, the married couple con-

sciously should strive to act always in a manner befitting the dignity and honor of their

state. as mutual co-creators of their marriage, they are called to act, in their own unique

ways, to bring themselves and their spouse to a better understanding of their christian

vocation.

Goods definedWithin the marriage, there are goods to be pursued and ends to be attained. the pursuit

of these goods is a mutual act. they cannot be attained by individual effort but must be


attained through the concerted efforts of the husband and wife. St. augustine, in his work

On The Good Of Marriage lists the three goods as proles, or children; fides, or fidelity; and

sacramentum, or a sacramental lifestyle.7 these goods cannot be enjoyed in isolation but

only within the context of a loving, sacramental relationship. these goods are gifts given

by the spouses, one to the other, under the mandate of heaven.

It takes both father and mother to bring about new life. although augustine lists children

as the first of the goods, this should not be construed to mean that this particular good

holds primacy of place over the other two. rather, the child is the most visible sign of the

love that exists between husband and wife. the child originates in the loving embrace

of husband and wife, brought about by love, is raised in love and, in turn, creates and

returns love. the child returns the love of the parents and strengthens the bond of love

between husband and wife. “fecundity is the fruit and the sign of conjugal love, the living

testimony of the full reciprocal self-giving of the spouses.”8

more than just being the originators of life, the father and mother are called upon to raise

their progeny as good christians. By this mutual task, they are drawn closer together,

closer to their children and closer to an understanding and love of the almighty. pius XI

writes: “In the training and education of children, which must extend over a period of

many years, it plays a great part, since the grave and long enduring burdens of this office

are best borne by the united efforts of the parents.”9

the child is a gift, given by god, given by the spouses, one to the other. When the wife

becomes a mother, she gains a new and greater understanding of her femininity. through

the child, the husband becomes more aware of his masculine nature. through their loving

and mutual efforts to raise their child, the husband and wife bring each other to a greater

awareness of their roles as man and woman, husband and wife, father and mother.

St. augustine’s second good of marriage is fidelity. the husband and wife owe to each

other, and offer to each other, a loving, exclusive, monogamous relationship. not all

couples are given the gift of children. But all couples, all husbands and all wives, can

give their spouse the everlasting gift of fidelity. the promise made during the wedding is

“to be true,” and each married person can live that truth every day. although the marital

good of proles, children, is the most visible sign of the love between husband and wife,

especially to the world at large, no less visible to the married couple is the fidelity with

which they live, the truth with which they demonstrate their love every day. Without the

presence of the spouse, there would be no opportunity to demonstrate fidelity. It is only

within the lived truth of the marriage that the good of fidelity is cultivated.

With this fidelity, the couple owes each other not just continence of body but also conti-

nence of affection. “you have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell


8 2 8 3


Stephen naKroSIS

you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her

in his heart” (matt. 5:27-28 naB). When our Savior spoke these words, he made it clear

that the husband’s affections, both physical and emotional, rightly were directed only to

his wife. In a like manner, the wife owes the same affection, whole and complete, body

and heart, only to her husband.

[p]hysical self-giving would be a lie if it were not the sign and fruit of a total

personal self-giving, in which the whole person, including the temporal dimen-

sion, is present: if the person were to withhold something or reserve the pos-

sibility of deciding otherwise in the future, by this very fact he or she would not

be giving totally.10

an important aspect of this fidelity, given by husband to wife, by wife to husband, is the

fact that it is permanent. on their wedding day, the couple vows to remain together “until

death do [they] part.” We are taught that the love of a husband and wife reflects the great

mystery, the love of christ for his church. like christ’s love for his church, the love of

husband and wife is exclusive. like christ’s love for his church, the love of husband and

wife is given in total. Just as christ loves his church for all eternity, so, too, the love of the

married spouses is permanent, so long as their lives on this earth last. as pius XI writes

in Casti Connubii:

By matrimony, therefore, the souls of the contracting parties are joined and knit

together more directly and more intimately than are their bodies, and that not

by any passing affection of sense of spirit, but by a deliberate and firm act of

the will; and from this union of souls by god’s decree, a sacred and inviolable

bond arises.11

augustine’s final good of marriage is sacramentum, living a sacramental lifestyle. like fi-

delity, this is not a good that can be attained by a solitary individual. that is not to say

that a solitary individual cannot live a sacramental lifestyle but rather that the particulars

of any marriage’s sacramentum are such that there must be two, legitimately married, to

experience this particular good.

the husband and wife make a very special gift to each other — each enables the other to

live in accord with the plan of god. as John paul II writes in Familiaris Consortio:

By taking up the human reality of the love between husband and wife in all its

implications, the sacrament gives to christian couples and parents a power and

a commitment to live their vocation as lay people and therefore to “seek the

kingdom of god by engaging in temporal affairs and ordering them according

to the plan of god.”12


pius XI puts great emphasis on the good of sacramentum. In Casti Connubii, he writes:

“this mutual molding of husband and wife, this determined effort to perfect each other,

can in a very real sense, as the roman catechism teaches, be said to be the chief reason

and purpose of matrimony.”13

When one reflects upon these goods of marriage, it is obvious that in a very real sense,

they are gifts given, spouse to spouse, enabled only within the context of marriage. this

gifting is not a static process. rather, it is the work of a lifetime. each of these goods

always is present, and always is available, but as life goes on and circumstances change,

the balance of the goods of marriage changes. early in a marriage, the good of children is

most visible and most emphasized. as time goes on and children grow and move on, the

emphasis shifts more to the fidelity between husband and wife and to the sacramental

lifestyle to which they are called.

the husband and wife each act as giver. the husband makes a gift of himself to his

wife, and the wife makes a gift of herself to her husband. they are equal partners in the

marriage. one neither imposes the goods upon the other from above nor accepts them

from below.

In On the Good of Marriage, St. augustine writes that marriage “signifies the unity of us

all made subject to god, which shall be hereafter in one heavenly city.”14 marriage is

a reflection of our ultimate destiny, our union with god and, through him, with all of

humanity. there will be no distinction in heaven between the slave and the free person

or between the mighty and the meek. all will put on christ and all will be one in him.

John paul II describes this fruitful union in Familiaris Consortio:

this conjugal communion sinks its roots in the natural complementarity that

exists between man and woman, and is nurtured through the personal willing-

ness of the spouses to share their entire life-project, what they have and what

they are: for this reason such communion is the fruit and the sign of a pro-

foundly human need. But in the lord christ, god takes up this human need,

confirms it, purifies it and elevates it, leading it to perfection through the sac-

rament of matrimony: the holy Spirit who is poured out in the sacramental

celebration offers christian couples the gift of a new communion of love that

the living and real image of that unique unity which makes of the church the

indivisible mystical Body of the lord Jesus.15

thus, a marriage that reflects this reality, the relation of christ to his church, will not be

a marriage in which power plays a role. the man and the woman, it is true, have differ-

ent roles, as husband and wife, as father and mother. But the one is not greater than the

other. though their offices are different, the dignity of each is equal.


8 2 8 3


Stephen naKroSIS

you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her

in his heart” (matt. 5:27-28 naB). When our Savior spoke these words, he made it clear

that the husband’s affections, both physical and emotional, rightly were directed only to

his wife. In a like manner, the wife owes the same affection, whole and complete, body

and heart, only to her husband.

[p]hysical self-giving would be a lie if it were not the sign and fruit of a total

personal self-giving, in which the whole person, including the temporal dimen-

sion, is present: if the person were to withhold something or reserve the pos-

sibility of deciding otherwise in the future, by this very fact he or she would not

be giving totally.10

an important aspect of this fidelity, given by husband to wife, by wife to husband, is the

fact that it is permanent. on their wedding day, the couple vows to remain together “until

death do [they] part.” We are taught that the love of a husband and wife reflects the great

mystery, the love of christ for his church. like christ’s love for his church, the love of

husband and wife is exclusive. like christ’s love for his church, the love of husband and

wife is given in total. Just as christ loves his church for all eternity, so, too, the love of the

married spouses is permanent, so long as their lives on this earth last. as pius XI writes

in Casti Connubii:

By matrimony, therefore, the souls of the contracting parties are joined and knit

together more directly and more intimately than are their bodies, and that not

by any passing affection of sense of spirit, but by a deliberate and firm act of

the will; and from this union of souls by god’s decree, a sacred and inviolable

bond arises.11

augustine’s final good of marriage is sacramentum, living a sacramental lifestyle. like fi-

delity, this is not a good that can be attained by a solitary individual. that is not to say

that a solitary individual cannot live a sacramental lifestyle but rather that the particulars

of any marriage’s sacramentum are such that there must be two, legitimately married, to

experience this particular good.

the husband and wife make a very special gift to each other — each enables the other to

live in accord with the plan of god. as John paul II writes in Familiaris Consortio:

By taking up the human reality of the love between husband and wife in all its

implications, the sacrament gives to christian couples and parents a power and

a commitment to live their vocation as lay people and therefore to “seek the

kingdom of god by engaging in temporal affairs and ordering them according

to the plan of god.”12


pius XI puts great emphasis on the good of sacramentum. In Casti Connubii, he writes:

“this mutual molding of husband and wife, this determined effort to perfect each other,

can in a very real sense, as the roman catechism teaches, be said to be the chief reason

and purpose of matrimony.”13

When one reflects upon these goods of marriage, it is obvious that in a very real sense,

they are gifts given, spouse to spouse, enabled only within the context of marriage. this

gifting is not a static process. rather, it is the work of a lifetime. each of these goods

always is present, and always is available, but as life goes on and circumstances change,

the balance of the goods of marriage changes. early in a marriage, the good of children is

most visible and most emphasized. as time goes on and children grow and move on, the

emphasis shifts more to the fidelity between husband and wife and to the sacramental

lifestyle to which they are called.

the husband and wife each act as giver. the husband makes a gift of himself to his

wife, and the wife makes a gift of herself to her husband. they are equal partners in the

marriage. one neither imposes the goods upon the other from above nor accepts them

from below.

In On the Good of Marriage, St. augustine writes that marriage “signifies the unity of us

all made subject to god, which shall be hereafter in one heavenly city.”14 marriage is

a reflection of our ultimate destiny, our union with god and, through him, with all of

humanity. there will be no distinction in heaven between the slave and the free person

or between the mighty and the meek. all will put on christ and all will be one in him.

John paul II describes this fruitful union in Familiaris Consortio:

this conjugal communion sinks its roots in the natural complementarity that

exists between man and woman, and is nurtured through the personal willing-

ness of the spouses to share their entire life-project, what they have and what

they are: for this reason such communion is the fruit and the sign of a pro-

foundly human need. But in the lord christ, god takes up this human need,

confirms it, purifies it and elevates it, leading it to perfection through the sac-

rament of matrimony: the holy Spirit who is poured out in the sacramental

celebration offers christian couples the gift of a new communion of love that

the living and real image of that unique unity which makes of the church the

indivisible mystical Body of the lord Jesus.15

thus, a marriage that reflects this reality, the relation of christ to his church, will not be

a marriage in which power plays a role. the man and the woman, it is true, have differ-

ent roles, as husband and wife, as father and mother. But the one is not greater than the

other. though their offices are different, the dignity of each is equal.


8 4 8 5


Stephen naKroSIS

this equality is evidenced in the nature of the goods of marriage. one cannot simply

impose fidelity upon another, nor can one force it from an unwilling partner. Similarly,

one cannot be forced to live in a sacramental manner, but freely must desire to do so, and

must work to achieve the ends for which the sacrament has been given.

the two spouses — husband and wife — in union with Jesus christ — must work togeth-

er, in partnership, with all this implies, to assist each other in the work of their marriage.

through the intercession of the holy Spirit, they grow in love and in knowledge, of each

other and of god. In such a way, their marriage becomes their real life’s work, and the

goods derived from it become the reward for their efforts and a sign to the world at large

of their love and commitment to each other. as John paul II emphasizes:

the gift of the Spirit is a commandment of life for christian spouses and at the

same time a stimulating impulse so that every day they may progress towards an

ever richer union with each other on all levels — of the body, of the character,

of the heart, of the intelligence and will, of the soul — revealing in this way to

the church and to the world the new communion of love, given by the grace

of christ.16

Stephen Nakrosis works for a financial newswire service in New York City. He

received a Master’s degree in Journalism from Northeastern University and a

Master’s degree in Theology from Immaculate Conception Seminary School of

Theology. Dr. Toth was one of his professors and was his thesis advisor. Stephen

lives in Clifton, New Jersey, with his wife, Sarah, and daughter, Mary.

noteS

1. Second Vatican council, Dogmatic constitution on the church, Lumen Gentium,

39.

2. new advent, “church fathers: of the good of marriage (St. augustine),”

http://www.newadvent.org/fathers/1309.htm (accessed august 22, 2009).

3. pius XI, encyclical on christian marriage, Casti Connubii, 1.

4. Diocese of camden, “a letter from the catholic Bishops of new Jersey,

dated 12 february 2009” http://www.camdendiocese.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=

article&id=984:a-letter-from-the-catholic-bishps-of-new-jersey&catid=33:press-releases-a-latest-

news&Itemid=1203 (accessed november 1, 2009).


6. leo XIII, encyclical on christian marriage, Arcanum, 11.

7. new advent, “church fathers: of the good of marriage (St. augustine).”

8. John paul II, 28.

9. pius XI, 37.


11. pius XI, 7.


13. pius XI, 24.



16. Ibid.



8 4 8 5


Stephen naKroSIS

this equality is evidenced in the nature of the goods of marriage. one cannot simply

impose fidelity upon another, nor can one force it from an unwilling partner. Similarly,

one cannot be forced to live in a sacramental manner, but freely must desire to do so, and

must work to achieve the ends for which the sacrament has been given.

the two spouses — husband and wife — in union with Jesus christ — must work togeth-

er, in partnership, with all this implies, to assist each other in the work of their marriage.

through the intercession of the holy Spirit, they grow in love and in knowledge, of each

other and of god. In such a way, their marriage becomes their real life’s work, and the

goods derived from it become the reward for their efforts and a sign to the world at large

of their love and commitment to each other. as John paul II emphasizes:

the gift of the Spirit is a commandment of life for christian spouses and at the

same time a stimulating impulse so that every day they may progress towards an

ever richer union with each other on all levels — of the body, of the character,

of the heart, of the intelligence and will, of the soul — revealing in this way to

the church and to the world the new communion of love, given by the grace

of christ.16

Stephen Nakrosis works for a financial newswire service in New York City. He

received a Master’s degree in Journalism from Northeastern University and a

Master’s degree in Theology from Immaculate Conception Seminary School of

Theology. Dr. Toth was one of his professors and was his thesis advisor. Stephen

lives in Clifton, New Jersey, with his wife, Sarah, and daughter, Mary.

noteS

1. Second Vatican council, Dogmatic constitution on the church, Lumen Gentium,

39.

2. new advent, “church fathers: of the good of marriage (St. augustine),”

http://www.newadvent.org/fathers/1309.htm (accessed august 22, 2009).

3. pius XI, encyclical on christian marriage, Casti Connubii, 1.

4. Diocese of camden, “a letter from the catholic Bishops of new Jersey,

dated 12 february 2009” http://www.camdendiocese.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=

article&id=984:a-letter-from-the-catholic-bishps-of-new-jersey&catid=33:press-releases-a-latest-

news&Itemid=1203 (accessed november 1, 2009).


6. leo XIII, encyclical on christian marriage, Arcanum, 11.



9. pius XI, 37.


11. pius XI, 7.


13. pius XI, 24.



16. Ibid.



8 6 8 7


Breaking Bread Together

By William toth, Jr.

When I think about my father’s life and the gifts he gave us, I often think about his sense

of taste. I mean his olfactory sense. my father could sniff out rosemary, for example, in

a dinner entrée faster than a german shepherd could spot a potted marijuana plant in

the trunk of a VW van. my father didn’t like rosemary. But he loved to eat. he loved the

arrangement of flavor as much as he loved the arrangement of guests at his table. eating

together was a sign of our thanks for the graciousness of the father.

In our house, food never was just sustenance. It provided an opportunity to sit together,

know one another and love one another better. “for where two or three are gathered

in my name, I am there among them” (matt 18:20 nrSV). all meals started with grace

— salutations to the lord! During dinner at our home, one could expect a lot of things

— repartee on an array of subjects ranging from art and history to drama and sports, a

philosophical debate or poetic discourse on the depth of the yankees’ bullpen. eating

together was really important. I remember being eleven years old and chugging home

from Billy manus’s on my mountain bike with my mother’s voice alive in my head,

“don’t be late for dinner!” I gather my dad heard the same in his head as he unleashed

that throaty, supercharged Dodge hemi on the garden State parkway and raced home for

dinner, too. Dinner was the opportunity to thank the lord for a tangible gift and enjoy

it with our friends.

my brothers and I referred to our dad as the “food guru.” having a master’s and a Doc-

torate didn’t excuse him from getting corn on his face or dropping his Brooks Brothers

necktie into a bowl of pea soup. he ate aggressively. But he really did have an acute sense

of what went together. he enjoyed our company and that of anyone who might be visit-

ing. With a family of 10, we had a lot of guests.

a year and a half ago I joined another family of great eaters — the new york fire Depart-

ment. I am on the bottom of the ladder, as it were. I don’t quite understand all the per-

sonalities of the men in my firehouse, but I know they are fundamentally good people,

because they enjoy eating and do it together. this is a city-wide firehouse tradition — the

brothers always eat together. you might see us shopping for food in full firefighting re-

galia. We prepare the meals together and critique the meals, too. We discuss the day’s

happenings, sports or the current action blockbuster at the movies. I enjoy this part of

my work day most. It reminds me of what my mom and dad taught me and what their

parents taught them — we break bread together as a remembrance of christ’s love for us

and the beautiful gifts our father has given us.

thank you to the “food guru,” my dad, for all the gifts, and well, the food, too, of

course!

William Toth, Jr., Dr. William Toth’s son, is a member of the FDNY and works

in Red Hook, Brooklyn. He and his wife, Nivedita, reside in Manhattan.

BreaKIng BreaD together


8 6 8 7


Breaking Bread Together

By William toth, Jr.

When I think about my father’s life and the gifts he gave us, I often think about his sense

of taste. I mean his olfactory sense. my father could sniff out rosemary, for example, in

a dinner entrée faster than a german shepherd could spot a potted marijuana plant in

the trunk of a VW van. my father didn’t like rosemary. But he loved to eat. he loved the

arrangement of flavor as much as he loved the arrangement of guests at his table. eating

together was a sign of our thanks for the graciousness of the father.

In our house, food never was just sustenance. It provided an opportunity to sit together,

know one another and love one another better. “for where two or three are gathered

in my name, I am there among them” (matt 18:20 nrSV). all meals started with grace

— salutations to the lord! During dinner at our home, one could expect a lot of things

— repartee on an array of subjects ranging from art and history to drama and sports, a

philosophical debate or poetic discourse on the depth of the yankees’ bullpen. eating

together was really important. I remember being eleven years old and chugging home

from Billy manus’s on my mountain bike with my mother’s voice alive in my head,

“don’t be late for dinner!” I gather my dad heard the same in his head as he unleashed

that throaty, supercharged Dodge hemi on the garden State parkway and raced home for

dinner, too. Dinner was the opportunity to thank the lord for a tangible gift and enjoy

it with our friends.

my brothers and I referred to our dad as the “food guru.” having a master’s and a Doc-

torate didn’t excuse him from getting corn on his face or dropping his Brooks Brothers

necktie into a bowl of pea soup. he ate aggressively. But he really did have an acute sense

of what went together. he enjoyed our company and that of anyone who might be visit-

ing. With a family of 10, we had a lot of guests.

a year and a half ago I joined another family of great eaters — the new york fire Depart-

ment. I am on the bottom of the ladder, as it were. I don’t quite understand all the per-

sonalities of the men in my firehouse, but I know they are fundamentally good people,

because they enjoy eating and do it together. this is a city-wide firehouse tradition — the

brothers always eat together. you might see us shopping for food in full firefighting re-

galia. We prepare the meals together and critique the meals, too. We discuss the day’s

happenings, sports or the current action blockbuster at the movies. I enjoy this part of

my work day most. It reminds me of what my mom and dad taught me and what their

parents taught them — we break bread together as a remembrance of christ’s love for us

and the beautiful gifts our father has given us.

thank you to the “food guru,” my dad, for all the gifts, and well, the food, too, of

course!

William Toth, Jr., Dr. William Toth’s son, is a member of the FDNY and works

in Red Hook, Brooklyn. He and his wife, Nivedita, reside in Manhattan.

BreaKIng BreaD together


8 8 8 9


Does it seem odd to you that pope Benedict XVI, in his first encyclical, God Is Love,1

devotes so much space to writing about erotic love? Does it seem odd to you that pope

John paul II devoted 129 weeks of his Wednesday general audiences to speaking about

human sexuality in terms of a “theology of the Body?”2 Since so much of our culture is

focused on sex, shouldn’t our spiritual leaders help us to rise above what is sexual and

direct our minds to what is above rather than to what is below, or at least condemn what

is so crass and crude in our day?

“no” is the answer of Benedict XVI and “no” is the answer of John paul II. Both of them

see in human sexuality not only the mystery of god’s creation but also the mystery of his

redemption. Benedict XVI goes back to the experience of erotic love to show how, when

it is purified of its aberrations, it is linked with the christian love of agape. John paul II

goes back to the story of our own creation in genesis to show that through our bodies, as

male and female, we express our very personhood. When that expression is a gift of love

to another, we take on a likeness to christ, who gave himself up for our salvation.

In this article, I wish to set forth how the two pontiffs see our sexuality as basically human

and as leading us to the divine and then to offer how this can be achieved by acquiring

what aquinas delineates as the “sexual virtues.” this will be illustrated by referring to an

incident in christ’s life and showing how the practice of modesty is essential for bringing

this about.3

LoveIn examining the greek concept of erotic love, Benedict XVI describes it “as a kind of in-

toxication, the overpowering of reason by a ‘divine madness’ which tears man away from

his finite existence and enables him, in the very process of being overwhelmed by divine

power, to experience supreme happiness.”4 In more mundane terms one might call erotic

love an experience of heaven on earth, whose loved one is described as “divine.”

How Papal Teachings on Erotic Love and Theology of the Body are Applied Through the Virtue of Modesty

By reverend W. Jerome Bracken, c.p., ph.D.

Such an experience, however, has been corrupted in ancient as well as in modern times.

In the time of the ancient greeks, fertility cults were introduced. Seemingly ordered to the

divine, the erotic experience gained at the temple came from turning women into objects

of desire to be manipulated for selfish pleasure.5 In our own day, eros has been corrupted by

being reduced to “pure sex.” one’s body and sexuality is considered to be only the material

part of his being, to be used and exploited at will. no longer does one see his sexuality “as an

arena for the exercise of…freedom” and as the “vital expression of our whole being.” now

it is simply an object that is made “enjoyable” but “harmless.”6 for eros to regain its power

and to be “an ascent in ‘ecstasy’ towards the Divine,” that is, “a certain foretaste of the pin-

nacle of our existence,...for which our whole being yearns,” it must be “purified”7 — not in

the sense of the physical being separated from the spiritual, but in the sense of the physical

and the spiritual being joined together so that we are led beyond the confines of ourselves.8

according to the hebrew Bible’s Song of Songs, this process can well begin with an indeter-

minate and searching kind of love (dodim), but it reaches maturity when it becomes “a real

discovery of the other,” in which one moves beyond the intoxicating experience of love to

seek the good of the beloved (ahabà). then, by an act of self-giving to the other person that

is “exclusive” and “for ever,” one discovers not only the other but his own self and god.9

Creationpope John paul II takes a different, yet similar approach. In examining the Book of gen-

esis, he sees the two creation stories about our creation as humans as closely related not

only because Jesus quoted from both stories when speaking about the permanency of

marriage and against divorce (matt. 19), but because these stories set forth the outer and

inner aspects of our humanity and of our sexuality.10

In the first creation story, god is portrayed as making us in his image. as he has domin-

ion over all of creation, he gives us dominion over our own lives and over all living crea-

tures, “over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, and over

all the earth.”11 however, god does not stop there. he makes us in his image not just as

human but as male and female. as John paul II puts it, it is by being in communion with

each other, as male and female, that we image god.

finally, god makes us in his image by giving us a share in his own creative activity, not

only by exercising dominion over all living things of the earth but also by commanding

us to “[b]e fruitful and multiply.”13 he is the creator, and we are to be procreators.

augustine, long ago, took from this understanding of our human nature that our ac-

tions must aim at obtaining three good things, a companionship that is faithful (”bonum

fides”), an openness to and a care for new life (“bonum proles”) and an ability to image

god’s unbreakable covenant of love (“bonum sacramentum”). outwardly, our actions are

ordered to these three things.14

papal teachIngS


8 8 8 9


Does it seem odd to you that pope Benedict XVI, in his first encyclical, God Is Love,1

devotes so much space to writing about erotic love? Does it seem odd to you that pope

John paul II devoted 129 weeks of his Wednesday general audiences to speaking about

human sexuality in terms of a “theology of the Body?”2 Since so much of our culture is

focused on sex, shouldn’t our spiritual leaders help us to rise above what is sexual and

direct our minds to what is above rather than to what is below, or at least condemn what

is so crass and crude in our day?

“no” is the answer of Benedict XVI and “no” is the answer of John paul II. Both of them

see in human sexuality not only the mystery of god’s creation but also the mystery of his

redemption. Benedict XVI goes back to the experience of erotic love to show how, when

it is purified of its aberrations, it is linked with the christian love of agape. John paul II

goes back to the story of our own creation in genesis to show that through our bodies, as

male and female, we express our very personhood. When that expression is a gift of love

to another, we take on a likeness to christ, who gave himself up for our salvation.

In this article, I wish to set forth how the two pontiffs see our sexuality as basically human

and as leading us to the divine and then to offer how this can be achieved by acquiring

what aquinas delineates as the “sexual virtues.” this will be illustrated by referring to an

incident in christ’s life and showing how the practice of modesty is essential for bringing

this about.3

LoveIn examining the greek concept of erotic love, Benedict XVI describes it “as a kind of in-

toxication, the overpowering of reason by a ‘divine madness’ which tears man away from

his finite existence and enables him, in the very process of being overwhelmed by divine

power, to experience supreme happiness.”4 In more mundane terms one might call erotic

love an experience of heaven on earth, whose loved one is described as “divine.”

How Papal Teachings on Erotic Love and Theology of the Body are Applied Through the Virtue of Modesty

By reverend W. Jerome Bracken, c.p., ph.D.

Such an experience, however, has been corrupted in ancient as well as in modern times.

In the time of the ancient greeks, fertility cults were introduced. Seemingly ordered to the

divine, the erotic experience gained at the temple came from turning women into objects

of desire to be manipulated for selfish pleasure.5 In our own day, eros has been corrupted by

being reduced to “pure sex.” one’s body and sexuality is considered to be only the material

part of his being, to be used and exploited at will. no longer does one see his sexuality “as an

arena for the exercise of…freedom” and as the “vital expression of our whole being.” now

it is simply an object that is made “enjoyable” but “harmless.”6 for eros to regain its power

and to be “an ascent in ‘ecstasy’ towards the Divine,” that is, “a certain foretaste of the pin-

nacle of our existence,...for which our whole being yearns,” it must be “purified”7 — not in

the sense of the physical being separated from the spiritual, but in the sense of the physical

and the spiritual being joined together so that we are led beyond the confines of ourselves.8

according to the hebrew Bible’s Song of Songs, this process can well begin with an indeter-

minate and searching kind of love (dodim), but it reaches maturity when it becomes “a real

discovery of the other,” in which one moves beyond the intoxicating experience of love to

seek the good of the beloved (ahabà). then, by an act of self-giving to the other person that

is “exclusive” and “for ever,” one discovers not only the other but his own self and god.9

Creationpope John paul II takes a different, yet similar approach. In examining the Book of gen-

esis, he sees the two creation stories about our creation as humans as closely related not

only because Jesus quoted from both stories when speaking about the permanency of

marriage and against divorce (matt. 19), but because these stories set forth the outer and

inner aspects of our humanity and of our sexuality.10

In the first creation story, god is portrayed as making us in his image. as he has domin-

ion over all of creation, he gives us dominion over our own lives and over all living crea-

tures, “over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, and over

all the earth.”11 however, god does not stop there. he makes us in his image not just as

human but as male and female. as John paul II puts it, it is by being in communion with

each other, as male and female, that we image god.

finally, god makes us in his image by giving us a share in his own creative activity, not

only by exercising dominion over all living things of the earth but also by commanding

us to “[b]e fruitful and multiply.”13 he is the creator, and we are to be procreators.

augustine, long ago, took from this understanding of our human nature that our ac-

tions must aim at obtaining three good things, a companionship that is faithful (”bonum

fides”), an openness to and a care for new life (“bonum proles”) and an ability to image

god’s unbreakable covenant of love (“bonum sacramentum”). outwardly, our actions are

ordered to these three things.14

papal teachIngS


9 0 91


reVerenD W. Jerome BracKen

Inwardly, there is something else involved. this is revealed in the second creation account

(gen. chapter 2), in which god is portrayed as giving man multiple gifts. he gives man

the breath of life, then a garden in eden to live in and care for, animals to help him in his

work and finally the gift of eve herself.15 It is through his response to each of these gifts

that adam gains an inner and deeper awareness of himself. he is alive. he is pleased with

the trees and their goodness for food. he is superior to them, for he has power to tend to

the trees of the garden and eat their fruit and he is free to obey god in not taking from

the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. he is, then, self-aware and self-determining.

he has the power to name and determine the roles of the animals god gives him as his

helpers. But his being superior to them makes him realize that he is not like them. he is

alone. finally, his sense of self and his exercise of freedom reaches its pinnacle when he

is presented with eve as his helper. he sees in her a likeness to himself, bone of his bone,

flesh of his flesh, but he grasps something more. She, far more than the animals, is in-

wardly aware of herself, inwardly pleased with the world, inwardly able to choose how to

live and to love. her body, with its inner freedom, is an expression of her own person. as

a gift of god, eve can be adam’s “helper,” his completion. Should he, should she, freely

leave home and cling to the other, they will become one, two in one flesh.16

unfortunately, the story of their creation turns into the story of their fall and thereby the

story of what we inherited, and did not inherit, from them. accepting Satan’s rather than

god’s words, they abuse their freedom and disobey god. as a result, instead of being

able to walk with god in the cool of the evening, they hide from him. they are ashamed.

they forfeit the world he has given them for the vain promises of Satan. choosing to be

the arbiters of truth, they mentally lose their moorings about what is truly good. making

each of themselves the supreme good, they make their own wills malicious, adam blam-

ing eve and eve blaming the serpent. Desiring forbidden pleasures, adam finds the earth,

from which he came, resisting him. Desiring adam, eve finds adam, from whom she

came, dominating her. having rebelled against god and each other in mind and heart,

they find their senses and emotions rebelling against their own minds and hearts. unable

to sustain this inner division indefinitely, adam and eve die, and so do we.17

Redemptionhad not god come back to them, outwardly making them clothes to hide their naked-

ness and inwardly bestowing his love (i.e., grace) upon them with the promise of a Sav-

ior, they would have had no hope, nor would we. But with god’s forgiving love and his

promised Savior, a new union with god, self and the world can be forged.

Aquinas and Virtuesaquinas explains how this can be done through divine gifts and human effort. So in the

second part of Book II of the Summa Theologica, questions 1-46, he explains that god first

gifts us with his love so that we are sanctified and are made capable of responding to his

papal teachIngS

overtures of love with the virtues of faith, hope and charity. then, in questions 47-170,

aquinas speaks of the human effort that god calls us to make, with the aid of his grace,

so that our human powers of acting can start working in harmony with one another as

god’s gift of original justice enabled adam and eve to do. In Book III, aquinas speaks

of god’s ultimate gift to us, his Son. By his own living and dying, christ brings about

his transformation through his death and resurrection, and then through the sacraments

enables us to enter into a similar process.

one part of this transformation that grace, christ and our own human effort bring about

occurs in the sexual sphere. What is sexual is an integral part of our nature. consequently,

we are inclined not only to preserve and promote our own individual existence but also

to preserve and promote the good of the human race. By being integrated with our ratio-

nal inclination “to know the truth about god, and to live in society,” our sexual inclina-

tion does this in a human way.18 It involves human intelligence and freedom of choice

and thus it comes from the soul as well as from the body. consequently, the Catechism

of the Catholic Church describes human sexuality in the following way: “Sexuality affects

all aspects of the human person in the unity of his body and soul. It especially concerns

affectivity, the capacity to love and to procreate, and in a more general way the aptitude

for forming bonds of communion with others.”19 this means that when we experience

our sexual inclination we experience a bodily and spiritual need for affection, a need to

love and procreate and a need to form bonds of communion with others. Seeking the

fulfillment of these sexual needs is seeking not something evil but the fulfillment of our

own human nature.

If this is the case, then why are so many theologians wary of our sexual desires? even the

great cappadocian and brother of St. Basil, gregory of nyssa, who himself was married,

believed that in the garden of eden before adam and eve’s fall, the human race would

have been propagated by some means other than sexual intercourse.20

augustine, fortunately, disagreed. While acknowledging the easy connection between our

sexual desires and sin, he affirmed that such desires are sinful only when the goods of

friendship, progeny and god are not pursued. When one makes the other the object of

his pleasure rather than the subject of his love and when he disconnects the pleasure of

love from the fruitfulness of love, he turns sexual desire into lust. Similarly, when desire

turns to what is finite to the exclusion of what is infinite, then desire (i.e., erotic love)

becomes lust (i.e., sinful).

aquinas recognized that sexual desire becomes sinful not because of the sensible plea-

sure that comes from it but because what is sensible is broken off from what is spiritual.

In fact, he affirms that sexual love would have been more intense and pleasurable had

there been no sin, for all our powers would have been integrated.21


9 0 91



Inwardly, there is something else involved. this is revealed in the second creation account

(gen. chapter 2), in which god is portrayed as giving man multiple gifts. he gives man

the breath of life, then a garden in eden to live in and care for, animals to help him in his

work and finally the gift of eve herself.15 It is through his response to each of these gifts

that adam gains an inner and deeper awareness of himself. he is alive. he is pleased with

the trees and their goodness for food. he is superior to them, for he has power to tend to

the trees of the garden and eat their fruit and he is free to obey god in not taking from

the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. he is, then, self-aware and self-determining.

he has the power to name and determine the roles of the animals god gives him as his

helpers. But his being superior to them makes him realize that he is not like them. he is

alone. finally, his sense of self and his exercise of freedom reaches its pinnacle when he

is presented with eve as his helper. he sees in her a likeness to himself, bone of his bone,

flesh of his flesh, but he grasps something more. She, far more than the animals, is in-

wardly aware of herself, inwardly pleased with the world, inwardly able to choose how to

live and to love. her body, with its inner freedom, is an expression of her own person. as

a gift of god, eve can be adam’s “helper,” his completion. Should he, should she, freely

leave home and cling to the other, they will become one, two in one flesh.16

unfortunately, the story of their creation turns into the story of their fall and thereby the

story of what we inherited, and did not inherit, from them. accepting Satan’s rather than

god’s words, they abuse their freedom and disobey god. as a result, instead of being

able to walk with god in the cool of the evening, they hide from him. they are ashamed.

they forfeit the world he has given them for the vain promises of Satan. choosing to be

the arbiters of truth, they mentally lose their moorings about what is truly good. making

each of themselves the supreme good, they make their own wills malicious, adam blam-

ing eve and eve blaming the serpent. Desiring forbidden pleasures, adam finds the earth,

from which he came, resisting him. Desiring adam, eve finds adam, from whom she

came, dominating her. having rebelled against god and each other in mind and heart,

they find their senses and emotions rebelling against their own minds and hearts. unable

to sustain this inner division indefinitely, adam and eve die, and so do we.17

Redemptionhad not god come back to them, outwardly making them clothes to hide their naked-

ness and inwardly bestowing his love (i.e., grace) upon them with the promise of a Sav-

ior, they would have had no hope, nor would we. But with god’s forgiving love and his

promised Savior, a new union with god, self and the world can be forged.

Aquinas and Virtuesaquinas explains how this can be done through divine gifts and human effort. So in the

second part of Book II of the Summa Theologica, questions 1-46, he explains that god first

gifts us with his love so that we are sanctified and are made capable of responding to his

papal teachIngS

overtures of love with the virtues of faith, hope and charity. then, in questions 47-170,

aquinas speaks of the human effort that god calls us to make, with the aid of his grace,

so that our human powers of acting can start working in harmony with one another as

god’s gift of original justice enabled adam and eve to do. In Book III, aquinas speaks

of god’s ultimate gift to us, his Son. By his own living and dying, christ brings about

his transformation through his death and resurrection, and then through the sacraments

enables us to enter into a similar process.

one part of this transformation that grace, christ and our own human effort bring about

occurs in the sexual sphere. What is sexual is an integral part of our nature. consequently,

we are inclined not only to preserve and promote our own individual existence but also

to preserve and promote the good of the human race. By being integrated with our ratio-

nal inclination “to know the truth about god, and to live in society,” our sexual inclina-

tion does this in a human way.18 It involves human intelligence and freedom of choice

and thus it comes from the soul as well as from the body. consequently, the Catechism

of the Catholic Church describes human sexuality in the following way: “Sexuality affects

all aspects of the human person in the unity of his body and soul. It especially concerns

affectivity, the capacity to love and to procreate, and in a more general way the aptitude

for forming bonds of communion with others.”19 this means that when we experience

our sexual inclination we experience a bodily and spiritual need for affection, a need to

love and procreate and a need to form bonds of communion with others. Seeking the

fulfillment of these sexual needs is seeking not something evil but the fulfillment of our

own human nature.

If this is the case, then why are so many theologians wary of our sexual desires? even the

great cappadocian and brother of St. Basil, gregory of nyssa, who himself was married,

believed that in the garden of eden before adam and eve’s fall, the human race would

have been propagated by some means other than sexual intercourse.20

augustine, fortunately, disagreed. While acknowledging the easy connection between our

sexual desires and sin, he affirmed that such desires are sinful only when the goods of

friendship, progeny and god are not pursued. When one makes the other the object of

his pleasure rather than the subject of his love and when he disconnects the pleasure of

love from the fruitfulness of love, he turns sexual desire into lust. Similarly, when desire

turns to what is finite to the exclusion of what is infinite, then desire (i.e., erotic love)

becomes lust (i.e., sinful).

aquinas recognized that sexual desire becomes sinful not because of the sensible plea-

sure that comes from it but because what is sensible is broken off from what is spiritual.

In fact, he affirms that sexual love would have been more intense and pleasurable had

there been no sin, for all our powers would have been integrated.21


9 2 9 3



aquinas clearly grasped that as body-spirit realities, we have multiple ways of perceiving

the world around us, and so multiple ways of judging something good or evil. When a

food is sweet to our taste, it pleases us and so we say it is good. But if we remember how

that particular food gave us a stomach ache in the past, we emotionally distance ourselves

from it and say it is no good. But if it is the only thing that can keep us alive now and in

the foreseeable future, then our minds have to step in and determine whether it is good

or bad for us. If it is judged really good for us, then we should choose to eat it despite

our emotional aversion and concentrate on the pleasure of the moment! (of course, this

is not the same as “eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die,” since in the case pre-

sented, we’ll have a stomach ache tomorrow but live rather than die!).

In the sexual sphere, similar things can happen. multiple perceptions of a person can

bring about multiple and disparate responses, one or another of which will be to our

good or to our harm. consequently, aquinas, and many before and after him, saw the

need for acquiring certain strengths or virtues so that we can think clearly about what is

at stake, make our way through all our pleasures and desires and choose to do good.

the virtue of temperance helps us to do this. In that virtue, aquinas sees three different

sets of strengths or virtues that can help us to make good choices.22 In fact, knowledge

of these six aspects of temperance can give us insight into how christ acted in given inci-

dents in his life and how we might imitate and become like him.

the first set of strengths, which aquinas calls the integral virtues of temperance because

they help to prevent one from doing evil and aid one in doing good, are shame (vere-

cundia) and honor (honestas). Shame, however, is not actually a virtue of the will or of

our sensible appetite but an emotion.23 In shame, one fears being disgraced, and so he

pulls away from what would disgrace him. for instance, in writing about the behavior of

women wearing slit dresses, a writer observed “that ‘when the wind blows, almost all of

them are overwhelmed by modesty and take measures to prevent their thighs from being

overexposed.’”24 these women would be ashamed of being “’overexposed,’” and acted in

a manner to preserve their modesty.

as for the man with honor, he does act virtuously. Instead of taking advantage of a wom-

an, he has the courage to do the more difficult thing of protecting her and her reputation.

he becomes like one of the knights of old protecting the “lady in waiting.”25

according to Wendy Shalit, the author of A Return to Modesty, there is something natu-

ral about shame and honor – and there is. the emotions related to shame and honor

manifest themselves when one’s perception of a situation is matched with his own sexual

inclination. Inclined to bonds of affection, a woman recoils in shame from a situation

in which she perceives that such affection is unlikely. Inclined to bonds of affection, a

papal teachIngS

man seeks to do the admirable thing to win the other’s affection. (this sense of honor

works well except in those situations of today when the man who refrains from making

advances on a woman is perceived as a wimp rather than as a gentleman. then, instead

of honorable behavior being invited, abusive behavior is.)

the next set of strengths consists of “continence” (continentia) and “modesty” (modestia).

the strength called “continence” is a virtue in the proper sense in that it inclines one

to act well and this inclination is acquired by free, repeated and good acts. however,

continence is a virtue of the will only. that is, with continence one’s will is subject to his

command of reason to pursue the sexual goods of friendship, progeny and god, but his

sensations and emotions are not subject to reason.

a man without continence would be a man like alfie in the 1965 film by the same name.

Seeking his own satisfaction and in his own way “meaning no harm,” alfie has relations

with every woman he can charm, whether it be the married woman in the car, or gilda,

his “backup” lover, who becomes pregnant with his child but for whom alfie is not

about to take responsibility, or his hospital friend’s wife, who also becomes pregnant

when he seduces her and for whom he callously arranges an abortion. alfie has neither

the thought nor the will to say “no” to his own pleasures for the sake of others. like the

continent man, his sensations and emotions haphazardly seek their own satisfaction, but

unlike the continent man, he has no will to resist them, even in the face of tragedy.

In the midst of our very sexualized culture, the virtue of continence is very much needed. the

woman who is made fun of by a man when she does not want to have sex needs strength

of will to say “no” to him and to keep him from wearing her down. Wanting affection, she

needs strength of will to resist getting it in this abusive way. a man who avails himself of

the Internet needs the virtue of continence to resist the sexual teasers being displayed on his

home page. Wanting gratification, he needs strength of will to resist getting that gratification

from what is only a “virtual reality,” i.e., from something neither real nor virtuous!

In modesty, one acquires a different kind of strength. It is not simply strength of will to

resist untoward sexual urges. modesty is a strength that enables one to utilize his sexual

pleasures and desires to establish bonds of affection and communion with others and

even to enter into and maintain a marital relationship. thus when sexual feelings are

awakened by one’s perception of his own or another’s sexual qualities, modesty inclines

those feelings to acts of genuine friendship and love.

the third set of strengths comprises the virtues of purity (pudicitia) and chastity (castitas).

like modesty, they give strength both to one’s will and to one’s sexual appetites, so that he

can fulfill his needs for affection, communion and procreation. purity and chastity deal


9 2 9 3



aquinas clearly grasped that as body-spirit realities, we have multiple ways of perceiving

the world around us, and so multiple ways of judging something good or evil. When a

food is sweet to our taste, it pleases us and so we say it is good. But if we remember how

that particular food gave us a stomach ache in the past, we emotionally distance ourselves

from it and say it is no good. But if it is the only thing that can keep us alive now and in

the foreseeable future, then our minds have to step in and determine whether it is good

or bad for us. If it is judged really good for us, then we should choose to eat it despite

our emotional aversion and concentrate on the pleasure of the moment! (of course, this

is not the same as “eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die,” since in the case pre-

sented, we’ll have a stomach ache tomorrow but live rather than die!).

In the sexual sphere, similar things can happen. multiple perceptions of a person can

bring about multiple and disparate responses, one or another of which will be to our

good or to our harm. consequently, aquinas, and many before and after him, saw the

need for acquiring certain strengths or virtues so that we can think clearly about what is

at stake, make our way through all our pleasures and desires and choose to do good.

the virtue of temperance helps us to do this. In that virtue, aquinas sees three different

sets of strengths or virtues that can help us to make good choices.22 In fact, knowledge

of these six aspects of temperance can give us insight into how christ acted in given inci-

dents in his life and how we might imitate and become like him.

the first set of strengths, which aquinas calls the integral virtues of temperance because

they help to prevent one from doing evil and aid one in doing good, are shame (vere-

cundia) and honor (honestas). Shame, however, is not actually a virtue of the will or of

our sensible appetite but an emotion.23 In shame, one fears being disgraced, and so he

pulls away from what would disgrace him. for instance, in writing about the behavior of

women wearing slit dresses, a writer observed “that ‘when the wind blows, almost all of

them are overwhelmed by modesty and take measures to prevent their thighs from being

overexposed.’”24 these women would be ashamed of being “’overexposed,’” and acted in

a manner to preserve their modesty.

as for the man with honor, he does act virtuously. Instead of taking advantage of a wom-

an, he has the courage to do the more difficult thing of protecting her and her reputation.

he becomes like one of the knights of old protecting the “lady in waiting.”25

according to Wendy Shalit, the author of A Return to Modesty, there is something natu-

ral about shame and honor – and there is. the emotions related to shame and honor

manifest themselves when one’s perception of a situation is matched with his own sexual

inclination. Inclined to bonds of affection, a woman recoils in shame from a situation

in which she perceives that such affection is unlikely. Inclined to bonds of affection, a

papal teachIngS

man seeks to do the admirable thing to win the other’s affection. (this sense of honor

works well except in those situations of today when the man who refrains from making

advances on a woman is perceived as a wimp rather than as a gentleman. then, instead

of honorable behavior being invited, abusive behavior is.)

the next set of strengths consists of “continence” (continentia) and “modesty” (modestia).

the strength called “continence” is a virtue in the proper sense in that it inclines one

to act well and this inclination is acquired by free, repeated and good acts. however,

continence is a virtue of the will only. that is, with continence one’s will is subject to his

command of reason to pursue the sexual goods of friendship, progeny and god, but his

sensations and emotions are not subject to reason.

a man without continence would be a man like alfie in the 1965 film by the same name.

Seeking his own satisfaction and in his own way “meaning no harm,” alfie has relations

with every woman he can charm, whether it be the married woman in the car, or gilda,

his “backup” lover, who becomes pregnant with his child but for whom alfie is not

about to take responsibility, or his hospital friend’s wife, who also becomes pregnant

when he seduces her and for whom he callously arranges an abortion. alfie has neither

the thought nor the will to say “no” to his own pleasures for the sake of others. like the

continent man, his sensations and emotions haphazardly seek their own satisfaction, but

unlike the continent man, he has no will to resist them, even in the face of tragedy.

In the midst of our very sexualized culture, the virtue of continence is very much needed. the

woman who is made fun of by a man when she does not want to have sex needs strength

of will to say “no” to him and to keep him from wearing her down. Wanting affection, she

needs strength of will to resist getting it in this abusive way. a man who avails himself of

the Internet needs the virtue of continence to resist the sexual teasers being displayed on his

home page. Wanting gratification, he needs strength of will to resist getting that gratification

from what is only a “virtual reality,” i.e., from something neither real nor virtuous!

In modesty, one acquires a different kind of strength. It is not simply strength of will to

resist untoward sexual urges. modesty is a strength that enables one to utilize his sexual

pleasures and desires to establish bonds of affection and communion with others and

even to enter into and maintain a marital relationship. thus when sexual feelings are

awakened by one’s perception of his own or another’s sexual qualities, modesty inclines

those feelings to acts of genuine friendship and love.

the third set of strengths comprises the virtues of purity (pudicitia) and chastity (castitas).

like modesty, they give strength both to one’s will and to one’s sexual appetites, so that he

can fulfill his needs for affection, communion and procreation. purity and chastity deal


9 4 9 5



with those pleasures and desires awakened by touch. While the seeing of a handsome

man by a woman or the hearing of a woman’s voice and the smelling of her perfume by

a man can give each of them pleasure and awaken emotions of love or desire, these inner

movements can be managed easily by the virtue of modesty. But when the sense of touch

is involved in perceiving what is sexual, stronger movements of one’s sexual appetite are

experienced. a kiss or a hug is much more moving than what is seen or heard, so purity,

and not modesty, is needed. the body-to-body touching that leads up to and occurs dur-

ing sexual intercourse is even more moving, so chastity is needed. When these virtues

are in place, one’s sexual pleasures and desires enable him to establish genuine bonds of

communion, to procreate and care for new life and to be related to god. thus with the

virtue of chastity, one’s erotic love not only reaches a state of ecstasy but becomes a gift of

oneself for the other’s goodness and happiness.

It is through the stepping stones of these six virtues, from shame and honor, to conti-

nence and modesty and finally to purity and chastity, that erotic love is able to become

christian love, joyous self-giving for the good and goodness of the other.

Christ and the Sexual Virtues our knowledge of these virtues can give us insight into an incident in christ’s life and

how we might imitate and become like him.

the incident is described in chapter seven of the gospel of luke. It occurred when Jesus

accepted Simon the pharisee’s invitation to dine with him. upon learning that Jesus was

at table in Simon’s house, “a woman of the city, who was a sinner....brought an alabaster

flask of ointment, and standing behind him at his feet, weeping, she began to wet his feet

with her tears and wiped them with the hair of her head, and kissed his feet and anointed

them with the ointment.”26

In what way this woman was a sinner, St. luke does not say. only her unbounded hair

gives us a hint. as one scholar explains, “for a Jewish woman to appear with hair un-

bound was an act of gravest immodesty. on her wedding day a girl bound up her hair and

never would she appear with it unbound again.”27

Simon the pharisee knows her past. Seeing her touch Jesus’ feet with her unbounded hair

and loving kisses, Simon makes the judgment that Jesus, as a prophet, should know what

kind of woman is touching him. a continent person never would allow such a thing to

happen, lest he be seduced into wrongdoing.

however, Jesus is not this way. as a prophet, he does know the woman’s past, and he even

knows Simon’s thoughts, but he does not stop the woman from kissing his feet, drying

them with her hair and anointing them. Jesus has not only the virtue of continence to

papal teachIngS

resist what is sinful but also the virtues of modesty and purity. So while he sees her wom-

anly hair and tears and feels the touch of her hair and kisses, he is not seduced. rather,

modest and pure, Jesus is able to receive the pleasure they give him and emotionally

respond to her loving kisses (katephilei) with his own emotion of love. and so he defends

her actions. contrasting her signs of respect for him with Simon’s signs of disrespect,

Jesus says, “’you gave me no water for my feet, but she has wet my feet with her tears and

wiped them with her hair. you gave me no kiss, but from the time I came in she has not

ceased to kiss my feet. you did not anoint my head with oil, but she has anointed my feet

with ointment.’”28 and then Jesus says to the woman, “’your sins are forgiven.’”29

the distinction between how Simon acts toward the woman and how Jesus acts is an

important one not only because Jesus sees the woman favorably and Simon does not

but also because of their reactions. extrapolating on Simon’s thoughts about what Jesus

should have done, we can assume that Simon never would have allowed the woman

to touch him. But we know that Jesus does. considering that sensations of pleasure or

pain automatically follow upon a thing’s suitability or unsuitability to one’s sense of

sight, hearing, smell, taste or touch and considering that emotions of love and desire or

hate and aversion automatically follow upon one’s perception of a thing’s suitability or

unsuitability to his natural inclinations, we can assume that Jesus feels pleasure at the

woman’s touch and is moved emotionally with love by her suitable, rather than unsuit-

able, actions toward him.

In fact, we should assume this. aquinas says that the highest perfection a moral act can

have is one that involves not only an interior movement of the will towards what is

good (Jesus favoring her) and an exterior execution expressive of that movement (Jesus

defending her) but also a movement of one’s own feelings accompanying these interior

and exterior acts of the will.30 Jesus loved her emotionally and not just intellectually and

supernaturally. christ’s act of forgiveness came from his entire being.

Imitation of Jesus and the Sexual Virtue of ModestySince this is the case of Jesus, then for us to be like him, we need to acquire the same

sexual virtues he had. not only should we be ashamed to act inappropriately even in the

privacy of the Internet but we should seek to do the honorable thing even in that mo-

ment and resist sexual teasers being displayed. furthermore, should we want not to sin

sexually, we need to build a will power strong enough to resist the movements of pleasure

and desire that would lead us into sin. one important way of doing this is not to stand

near the fire of temptation and see how well one resists it but to make those choices of

the will that avoid all proximate occasions of serious sin. each choice we make in this

regard will strengthen us when an occasion of serious sin arises.

But establishing proper boundaries lest one become the victim of one’s own pleasures


9 4 9 5



with those pleasures and desires awakened by touch. While the seeing of a handsome

man by a woman or the hearing of a woman’s voice and the smelling of her perfume by

a man can give each of them pleasure and awaken emotions of love or desire, these inner

movements can be managed easily by the virtue of modesty. But when the sense of touch

is involved in perceiving what is sexual, stronger movements of one’s sexual appetite are

experienced. a kiss or a hug is much more moving than what is seen or heard, so purity,

and not modesty, is needed. the body-to-body touching that leads up to and occurs dur-

ing sexual intercourse is even more moving, so chastity is needed. When these virtues

are in place, one’s sexual pleasures and desires enable him to establish genuine bonds of

communion, to procreate and care for new life and to be related to god. thus with the

virtue of chastity, one’s erotic love not only reaches a state of ecstasy but becomes a gift of

oneself for the other’s goodness and happiness.

It is through the stepping stones of these six virtues, from shame and honor, to conti-

nence and modesty and finally to purity and chastity, that erotic love is able to become

christian love, joyous self-giving for the good and goodness of the other.

Christ and the Sexual Virtues our knowledge of these virtues can give us insight into an incident in christ’s life and

how we might imitate and become like him.

the incident is described in chapter seven of the gospel of luke. It occurred when Jesus

accepted Simon the pharisee’s invitation to dine with him. upon learning that Jesus was

at table in Simon’s house, “a woman of the city, who was a sinner....brought an alabaster

flask of ointment, and standing behind him at his feet, weeping, she began to wet his feet

with her tears and wiped them with the hair of her head, and kissed his feet and anointed

them with the ointment.”26

In what way this woman was a sinner, St. luke does not say. only her unbounded hair

gives us a hint. as one scholar explains, “for a Jewish woman to appear with hair un-

bound was an act of gravest immodesty. on her wedding day a girl bound up her hair and

never would she appear with it unbound again.”27

Simon the pharisee knows her past. Seeing her touch Jesus’ feet with her unbounded hair

and loving kisses, Simon makes the judgment that Jesus, as a prophet, should know what

kind of woman is touching him. a continent person never would allow such a thing to

happen, lest he be seduced into wrongdoing.

however, Jesus is not this way. as a prophet, he does know the woman’s past, and he even

knows Simon’s thoughts, but he does not stop the woman from kissing his feet, drying

them with her hair and anointing them. Jesus has not only the virtue of continence to

papal teachIngS

resist what is sinful but also the virtues of modesty and purity. So while he sees her wom-

anly hair and tears and feels the touch of her hair and kisses, he is not seduced. rather,

modest and pure, Jesus is able to receive the pleasure they give him and emotionally

respond to her loving kisses (katephilei) with his own emotion of love. and so he defends

her actions. contrasting her signs of respect for him with Simon’s signs of disrespect,

Jesus says, “’you gave me no water for my feet, but she has wet my feet with her tears and

wiped them with her hair. you gave me no kiss, but from the time I came in she has not

ceased to kiss my feet. you did not anoint my head with oil, but she has anointed my feet

with ointment.’”28 and then Jesus says to the woman, “’your sins are forgiven.’”29

the distinction between how Simon acts toward the woman and how Jesus acts is an

important one not only because Jesus sees the woman favorably and Simon does not

but also because of their reactions. extrapolating on Simon’s thoughts about what Jesus

should have done, we can assume that Simon never would have allowed the woman

to touch him. But we know that Jesus does. considering that sensations of pleasure or

pain automatically follow upon a thing’s suitability or unsuitability to one’s sense of

sight, hearing, smell, taste or touch and considering that emotions of love and desire or

hate and aversion automatically follow upon one’s perception of a thing’s suitability or

unsuitability to his natural inclinations, we can assume that Jesus feels pleasure at the

woman’s touch and is moved emotionally with love by her suitable, rather than unsuit-

able, actions toward him.

In fact, we should assume this. aquinas says that the highest perfection a moral act can

have is one that involves not only an interior movement of the will towards what is

good (Jesus favoring her) and an exterior execution expressive of that movement (Jesus

defending her) but also a movement of one’s own feelings accompanying these interior

and exterior acts of the will.30 Jesus loved her emotionally and not just intellectually and

supernaturally. christ’s act of forgiveness came from his entire being.

Imitation of Jesus and the Sexual Virtue of ModestySince this is the case of Jesus, then for us to be like him, we need to acquire the same

sexual virtues he had. not only should we be ashamed to act inappropriately even in the

privacy of the Internet but we should seek to do the honorable thing even in that mo-

ment and resist sexual teasers being displayed. furthermore, should we want not to sin

sexually, we need to build a will power strong enough to resist the movements of pleasure

and desire that would lead us into sin. one important way of doing this is not to stand

near the fire of temptation and see how well one resists it but to make those choices of

the will that avoid all proximate occasions of serious sin. each choice we make in this

regard will strengthen us when an occasion of serious sin arises.

But establishing proper boundaries lest one become the victim of one’s own pleasures


9 6 9 7



and sexual desires is not enough. one has to learn how to incorporate his sensations of

pleasure and emotions of love into his choices for what is sexually good. the practice

of modesty is the key way of learning how to do this. for one reason, modesty is the

midpoint of the sexual virtues. like continence, modesty involves an exercise of the will.

unlike continence, modesty involves a movement of one’s sensible appetite. Both one’s

will and one’s sensible appetites are inclined to carry out one’s judgment of conscience

as to how he should behave regarding his own or another’s sexuality. like purity and

chastity, modesty involves the movement of one’s sensible appetites as well as one’s will.

unlike purity and chastity, the movement that is to be directed to the sexual goods is not

as strong as those stirred by the sense of touch; hence it is easier to direct these sensible

movements to what is good sexually.

moreover, modesty involves the two things that draw us into action, our nature and our

powers of perception. By nature, and so by god Who created us this way, we are inclined

to what is good for us, not only to preserve ourselves through food and drink but to

preserve our own human race through sex. When we experience the sexual inclination

within ourselves, we, like adam, experience a need for affection and companionship that

no created thing or animal can fulfill. When we perceive that there is no one who can

meet these needs, we experience a sense of great loneliness.31

on the other hand, when we, like adam, perceive someone who can meet these needs,

we experience pleasure at the sight of that person and a desire to be united with that per-

son.32 In the case of continence, however, the pleasure and desire are not subject to one’s

reason; only one’s will is subject to reason’s command. So the pleasure and desire have

the power to lead us away from what is truly good and thus often have to be resisted. In

the case of modesty, the pleasure and desire are subject to reason and so they do not have

to be resisted; they actually assist us in coming to know and love the other person.

as distinct from the cases where purity and/or chastity are needed, the pleasures and

desires that modesty deals with are awakened only by the perceptions of sight, sound

and smell. Since we are at a distance from the other person, these senses do not move us

as vehemently as the direct contact that comes from the sense of touch. We are stirred by

pleasure and desire, but not at so intense a level that we are swept overboard. So, while

experiencing such feelings, we still are able to think and choose how to act. on beholding

eve, adam was able to see her as a gift from god, but he also was able to see her not as

something to be taken like food from a tree but as someone like himself who was utterly

free and so at liberty in being or not being a gift to him.33 So adam could wait upon her

choice, and she upon his. In the meantime, they could come to know more and more

about each other. Since the movement of the will and senses is proportionate to what we

apprehend of the other, the greater knowledge that adam and eve gained of each other

enabled the free gift of themselves to be even greater.

papal teachIngS

too often in our day, however, bodily contact comes first with its overwhelming plea-

sures, and the intense experience of the other’s body shuts out the more subtle and more

insightful ways of coming to know a person. the practice of modesty, on the other hand,

gives each person time to know the other person and oneself, time to decide whether

or not to receive the other person as god’s unique gift and time to decide and prepare

oneself to make that ultimate gift of self to the other person, that is both “exclusive” and

“forever.”

moreover, the willingness to forgo the full pleasure of body-to-body contact, which is

part of the practice of modesty, makes one ready to give himself to the other person in a

way that looks to the other’s good and not just to his own self-satisfaction. Instead of sex

being a quid pro quo, it is made into a gift, something freely given to the other person and

something freely received from the other person. then the intensity of erotic love can be

linked to one’s own act of freedom, whereby through a free gift of self, one discovers not

only the other and his own self but god as well.

ConclusionIn summary, we can say that god made us, body and soul, with the power of erotic love

not to draw us into our inner selves but to draw us to each other and to himself, whereby

our free gifts to each other become our happiness in each other. the practice of modesty

prepares us for such happiness. the modesty in which one is aware of his own and an-

other’s sexuality and in which he feels both the pleasure of this and the desirableness of

complete communion prepares us either for the moment and lifetime of freely giving

oneself to another, as happens in marriage, or for the moment and lifetime of freely giv-

ing the gift of self to no one other than god, as happens in celibacy.

Father W. Jerome Bracken, C.P., is Associate Professor of Christian Ethics

at Immaculate Conception Seminary School of Theology. He was ordained

to the priesthood in 1968 and earned a Ph.D. in Systematic Theology from

Fordham University and a Master’s in Theology from St. Michael’s Seminary,

Union City, New Jersey.

noteS

1. Benedict XVI, encyclical letter, Deus Caritas Est, 3-9.

2. John paul II, Man and Woman He Created Them: A Theology of the Body, trans.

michael Waldstein (Boston: pauline Books and media, 2006), 4.

3. Ibid., 70. michael Waldstein writes: “the gospel’s ideal of the moral perfection

that is to be reached by following Jesus, Wojtyla argues, has three main characteristics. (1)


9 6 9 7



and sexual desires is not enough. one has to learn how to incorporate his sensations of

pleasure and emotions of love into his choices for what is sexually good. the practice

of modesty is the key way of learning how to do this. for one reason, modesty is the

midpoint of the sexual virtues. like continence, modesty involves an exercise of the will.

unlike continence, modesty involves a movement of one’s sensible appetite. Both one’s

will and one’s sensible appetites are inclined to carry out one’s judgment of conscience

as to how he should behave regarding his own or another’s sexuality. like purity and

chastity, modesty involves the movement of one’s sensible appetites as well as one’s will.

unlike purity and chastity, the movement that is to be directed to the sexual goods is not

as strong as those stirred by the sense of touch; hence it is easier to direct these sensible

movements to what is good sexually.

moreover, modesty involves the two things that draw us into action, our nature and our

powers of perception. By nature, and so by god Who created us this way, we are inclined

to what is good for us, not only to preserve ourselves through food and drink but to

preserve our own human race through sex. When we experience the sexual inclination

within ourselves, we, like adam, experience a need for affection and companionship that

no created thing or animal can fulfill. When we perceive that there is no one who can

meet these needs, we experience a sense of great loneliness.31

on the other hand, when we, like adam, perceive someone who can meet these needs,

we experience pleasure at the sight of that person and a desire to be united with that per-

son.32 In the case of continence, however, the pleasure and desire are not subject to one’s

reason; only one’s will is subject to reason’s command. So the pleasure and desire have

the power to lead us away from what is truly good and thus often have to be resisted. In

the case of modesty, the pleasure and desire are subject to reason and so they do not have

to be resisted; they actually assist us in coming to know and love the other person.

as distinct from the cases where purity and/or chastity are needed, the pleasures and

desires that modesty deals with are awakened only by the perceptions of sight, sound

and smell. Since we are at a distance from the other person, these senses do not move us

as vehemently as the direct contact that comes from the sense of touch. We are stirred by

pleasure and desire, but not at so intense a level that we are swept overboard. So, while

experiencing such feelings, we still are able to think and choose how to act. on beholding

eve, adam was able to see her as a gift from god, but he also was able to see her not as

something to be taken like food from a tree but as someone like himself who was utterly

free and so at liberty in being or not being a gift to him.33 So adam could wait upon her

choice, and she upon his. In the meantime, they could come to know more and more

about each other. Since the movement of the will and senses is proportionate to what we

apprehend of the other, the greater knowledge that adam and eve gained of each other

enabled the free gift of themselves to be even greater.

papal teachIngS

too often in our day, however, bodily contact comes first with its overwhelming plea-

sures, and the intense experience of the other’s body shuts out the more subtle and more

insightful ways of coming to know a person. the practice of modesty, on the other hand,

gives each person time to know the other person and oneself, time to decide whether

or not to receive the other person as god’s unique gift and time to decide and prepare

oneself to make that ultimate gift of self to the other person, that is both “exclusive” and

“forever.”

moreover, the willingness to forgo the full pleasure of body-to-body contact, which is

part of the practice of modesty, makes one ready to give himself to the other person in a

way that looks to the other’s good and not just to his own self-satisfaction. Instead of sex

being a quid pro quo, it is made into a gift, something freely given to the other person and

something freely received from the other person. then the intensity of erotic love can be

linked to one’s own act of freedom, whereby through a free gift of self, one discovers not

only the other and his own self but god as well.

ConclusionIn summary, we can say that god made us, body and soul, with the power of erotic love

not to draw us into our inner selves but to draw us to each other and to himself, whereby

our free gifts to each other become our happiness in each other. the practice of modesty

prepares us for such happiness. the modesty in which one is aware of his own and an-

other’s sexuality and in which he feels both the pleasure of this and the desirableness of

complete communion prepares us either for the moment and lifetime of freely giving

oneself to another, as happens in marriage, or for the moment and lifetime of freely giv-

ing the gift of self to no one other than god, as happens in celibacy.

Father W. Jerome Bracken, C.P., is Associate Professor of Christian Ethics

at Immaculate Conception Seminary School of Theology. He was ordained

to the priesthood in 1968 and earned a Ph.D. in Systematic Theology from

Fordham University and a Master’s in Theology from St. Michael’s Seminary,

Union City, New Jersey.

noteS

1. Benedict XVI, encyclical letter, Deus Caritas Est, 3-9.

2. John paul II, Man and Woman He Created Them: A Theology of the Body, trans.

michael Waldstein (Boston: pauline Books and media, 2006), 4.

3. Ibid., 70. michael Waldstein writes: “the gospel’s ideal of the moral perfection

that is to be reached by following Jesus, Wojtyla argues, has three main characteristics. (1)


9 8 9 9


reV. Jerome BracKen

It is a real ideal, because it aims at a real perfection of the person in the imitation of a real

perfection already found in Jesus. (2) It is a practical ideal, because it is realized by acts

of which the person is the responsible cause, acts by which the person therefore becomes

really good or bad. (3) It is a religious ideal, both because the perfection to be imitated is

that of the father and the Son and because imitation establishes the right personal relation

with god as the final end.”

4. Benedict XVI, 4.

5. Ibid.

6. Ibid., 5.

7. Ibid., 4.

8. Ibid., 5.

9. Ibid., 6.

10. John paul II, 132, 136-37.

11. gen. 1:26.

12. John paul II,163.

13. gen. 1:28.

14. augustine, De Bono Conjugali, ed. roy J. Deferrari (new york: fathers of the

church, Inc., 1955), 48.

15. John paul II, 178-200.

16. Ibid.,146-69.

17. Ibid., 236-63. See also St. thomas aquinas, Summa Theologiae, I-II, q. 85, a. 5. “In

this way the sin of our first parent is the cause of death and all such like defects in human

nature, in so far as by the sin of our first parent original justice was taken away, whereby

not only were the lower powers of the soul held together under the control of reason,

without any disorder whatever, but also the whole body was held together in subjection

to the soul, without any defect, as stated in the first part (Q. 97, a. 1). Wherefore, original

justice being forfeited through the sin of our first parent; just as human nature was stricken

in the soul by the disorder among the powers, as stated above (a. 3; Q. 82, a. 3.), so also

it became subject to corruption, by reason of disorder in the body.”

18. St. thomas aquinas, Summa Theologiae I-II, q. 94, a. 2.


20. St. thomas aquinas I-II, q. 98, a. 2.

21. Ibid.

22. St. thomas aquinas II-II, q. 143, a. 1.


24. Wendy Shalit, A Return to Modesty: Discovering the Lost Virtue (new york: Simon

and Schuster, touchstone Book, 1999), 122.

25. Ibid., 149-51.

26. luke 7: 37-38.

27. William Barclay, The Gospel of Luke, rev. ed. (philadelphia: Westminster press,

1975), 95.

papal teachIngS

28. luke 7: 44-46.

29. luke 7: 48.


31. gen. 2:18; John paul II, 146-54. “then the lorD god said, ‘It is not good that

the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.’”

32. gen. 2:23. “then the man said, ‘this at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my

flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of man.’”

33. John paul II, 182-200.


9 8 9 9


reV. Jerome BracKen

It is a real ideal, because it aims at a real perfection of the person in the imitation of a real

perfection already found in Jesus. (2) It is a practical ideal, because it is realized by acts

of which the person is the responsible cause, acts by which the person therefore becomes

really good or bad. (3) It is a religious ideal, both because the perfection to be imitated is

that of the father and the Son and because imitation establishes the right personal relation

with god as the final end.”

4. Benedict XVI, 4.

5. Ibid.

6. Ibid., 5.

7. Ibid., 4.

8. Ibid., 5.

9. Ibid., 6.

10. John paul II, 132, 136-37.

11. gen. 1:26.

12. John paul II,163.

13. gen. 1:28.

14. augustine, De Bono Conjugali, ed. roy J. Deferrari (new york: fathers of the

church, Inc., 1955), 48.

15. John paul II, 178-200.

16. Ibid.,146-69.

17. Ibid., 236-63. See also St. thomas aquinas, Summa Theologiae, I-II, q. 85, a. 5. “In

this way the sin of our first parent is the cause of death and all such like defects in human

nature, in so far as by the sin of our first parent original justice was taken away, whereby

not only were the lower powers of the soul held together under the control of reason,

without any disorder whatever, but also the whole body was held together in subjection

to the soul, without any defect, as stated in the first part (Q. 97, a. 1). Wherefore, original

justice being forfeited through the sin of our first parent; just as human nature was stricken

in the soul by the disorder among the powers, as stated above (a. 3; Q. 82, a. 3.), so also

it became subject to corruption, by reason of disorder in the body.”

18. St. thomas aquinas, Summa Theologiae I-II, q. 94, a. 2.



21. Ibid.



24. Wendy Shalit, A Return to Modesty: Discovering the Lost Virtue (new york: Simon

and Schuster, touchstone Book, 1999), 122.

25. Ibid., 149-51.

26. luke 7: 37-38.

27. William Barclay, The Gospel of Luke, rev. ed. (philadelphia: Westminster press,

1975), 95.

papal teachIngS

28. luke 7: 44-46.

29. luke 7: 48.


31. gen. 2:18; John paul II, 146-54. “then the lorD god said, ‘It is not good that

the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.’”

32. gen. 2:23. “then the man said, ‘this at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my

flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of man.’”

33. John paul II, 182-200.


10 0 101


reV. Jerome BracKen

“A Father’s Love”

by Richard Tienken

Holy Rosary, Passaic, NJ

St. Joseph Regional High School

In a christian home, there is love where all can see. the love between family members is most

evident. this photograph I took is a picture of my little brother and my father. at the time, we were

at a park, and they were sharing a quiet moment. my father was saying a silent prayer for our family

and for his young son. as you can see, my little brother shares the moment and strokes my father’s

smooth, clean-shaven face.

the love of a father is a powerful thing…. We are all god’s children; and with his love, comes his

compassion. psalm 103:3 says, “Just as a father has compassion on his children, so the lord has

compassion on those who fear him.” this verse is a great example of how much the lord really loves

his creation and his sons and daughters on earth.

my father loves his children more than he loves himself. It is very tough for a human to try and live a

life that fits god’s expectations and example. I believe this photograph provides an excellent illustra-

tion of what these prospects really are.

this is a letter I wrote and read at my Dad’s grave on what was his birthday:

Dear Dad,

a father can have many children, but a child has only one father, and you are my father.

on your birthday I would like to acknowledge your gifts and to thank you for them. I

will miss your kindness, your decency and the way you brought dignity to everything

you did. I will miss your good judgment and your sense of humor. I will miss your

good manners. I will miss your style of problem solving, which was the counterintuitive

method of sweating only the small stuff. the big stuff you could handle, and you always

did, with that large measure of grace known only to you. you were never thrown by

tragedy because you had a deep and abiding faith in the providence of god. Shakespeare

describes it as “the star to every wandering bark.” you fixed your eyes on that star, and

it brought you through. you lived what you were, and you were a great man. you could

not do otherwise. I quote hopkins here: “the just man justices, keeps grace and keeps all

his goings graces; acts in god’s eye what in god’s eye he is — christ. for christ plays in

ten thousand places, lovely in limb, and lovely in eyes not his. to the father through the

features of men’s faces.”

I love you, Dad — father forth!

regina

Regina Wackerman, Dr. William Toth’s daughter, lives in Ridgewood, New Jersey,

with her husband, Bill, and their three children.

A Letter to My Father

By regina Wackerman


10 0 101


reV. Jerome BracKen

“A Father’s Love”

by Richard Tienken

Holy Rosary, Passaic, NJ

St. Joseph Regional High School

In a christian home, there is love where all can see. the love between family members is most

evident. this photograph I took is a picture of my little brother and my father. at the time, we were

at a park, and they were sharing a quiet moment. my father was saying a silent prayer for our family

and for his young son. as you can see, my little brother shares the moment and strokes my father’s

smooth, clean-shaven face.

the love of a father is a powerful thing…. We are all god’s children; and with his love, comes his

compassion. psalm 103:3 says, “Just as a father has compassion on his children, so the lord has

compassion on those who fear him.” this verse is a great example of how much the lord really loves

his creation and his sons and daughters on earth.

my father loves his children more than he loves himself. It is very tough for a human to try and live a

life that fits god’s expectations and example. I believe this photograph provides an excellent illustra-

tion of what these prospects really are.

this is a letter I wrote and read at my Dad’s grave on what was his birthday:

Dear Dad,

a father can have many children, but a child has only one father, and you are my father.

on your birthday I would like to acknowledge your gifts and to thank you for them. I

will miss your kindness, your decency and the way you brought dignity to everything

you did. I will miss your good judgment and your sense of humor. I will miss your

good manners. I will miss your style of problem solving, which was the counterintuitive

method of sweating only the small stuff. the big stuff you could handle, and you always

did, with that large measure of grace known only to you. you were never thrown by

tragedy because you had a deep and abiding faith in the providence of god. Shakespeare

describes it as “the star to every wandering bark.” you fixed your eyes on that star, and

it brought you through. you lived what you were, and you were a great man. you could

not do otherwise. I quote hopkins here: “the just man justices, keeps grace and keeps all

his goings graces; acts in god’s eye what in god’s eye he is — christ. for christ plays in

ten thousand places, lovely in limb, and lovely in eyes not his. to the father through the

features of men’s faces.”

I love you, Dad — father forth!

regina

Regina Wackerman, Dr. William Toth’s daughter, lives in Ridgewood, New Jersey,

with her husband, Bill, and their three children.

A Letter to My Father

By regina Wackerman


10 2 10 3


“A Mother’s Nurturing”

by Robert Aramboles

St. Francis of Assisi, Bronx, NY

All Hallows High School

It is quite difficult to see god in day-to-day family life. We tend to get so caught up in the big picture

in life that the little things that make god obvious tend to be overlooked. the mortgage needs to

get paid, the kids need to get to school on time, and your body is aching from a long day at work.

yet when you focus on the little things everything comes into perspective. Sometimes it is as easy as

one’s influence over another….

from the subtle influences a person can have on another we can see the presence of god in family

life. If this loving mother never gave the little boy a set of headphones to listen to music he may turn

out to be a totally different person than he will be. he may have been bitter and distant from the

people around him. however, he becomes warmer and more loving when he hears “music” and as

a result, is more caring. he is allowed to experience the presence of god through other people and

will now become a better person thanks to his mother’s influence.

It was approximately midnight when the phone began to ring. my wife, peg, and I were

startled and awakened by the noise. as the phone continued to ring, my mind began to

clear from a sleepy fog and my heart started to race with anxiety. Who could be calling at

this hour? Was there an emergency? had something happened? phone calls in the mid-

dle of the night generally are terrifying and usually bring with them bad news. my wife

picked up the phone and noticed that the number on the caller ID was a strange six-digit

number and not the standard ten-digit phone number. maybe it was a wrong number, or

a prank or some sort of a scam. maybe we should let it ring and not answer it. If it were

important, the caller could leave a message and we would call back.

But a little inner voice coaxed my wife to answer the phone. “hello,” she said rather

hesitantly. She was startled and surprised to hear the voice on the other end of the phone.

In fact, the voice was so loud and clear that I could hear it from a couple of feet away.

… “hey, mom, it’s Dave! hello from afghanistan. how’s it going in new Jersey?” We

quickly woke up our daughter, meghan, and the three of us excitedly gathered together

passing the phone around, each asking Dave questions and rejoicing in the few short

minutes allotted before we said our goodbyes.

oh, what a sweet joy to hear our son’s voice! god had listened. he had answered our

prayers! When we finally went back to sleep that night a sense of calmness, peace and

gratitude had descended upon us. our growing sense of anxiety knowing that our son

had entered the war-torn country of afghanistan had been dispelled, at least temporarily.

In this unexpected call in the middle of the night we found such complete joy and happi-

ness in hearing our son’s voice from a faraway and dangerous land. yes, truly the lord is

kind and merciful to those with aching and hurting hearts who trust in him.

In prior wars, families eagerly would sit around the kitchen table opening letters from

loved ones with care and anticipation, knowing that every piece of communication was

a blessing and a grace. each word lovingly would be read, sometimes aloud, so that all

could hear. In today’s world, with instant global communications, I discovered that it

One Family, One Marine, One Lord of All

By andrew e. Saunders, m.a., m.a.t.


10 2 10 3


“A Mother’s Nurturing”

by Robert Aramboles

St. Francis of Assisi, Bronx, NY

All Hallows High School

It is quite difficult to see god in day-to-day family life. We tend to get so caught up in the big picture

in life that the little things that make god obvious tend to be overlooked. the mortgage needs to

get paid, the kids need to get to school on time, and your body is aching from a long day at work.

yet when you focus on the little things everything comes into perspective. Sometimes it is as easy as

one’s influence over another….

from the subtle influences a person can have on another we can see the presence of god in family

life. If this loving mother never gave the little boy a set of headphones to listen to music he may turn

out to be a totally different person than he will be. he may have been bitter and distant from the

people around him. however, he becomes warmer and more loving when he hears “music” and as

a result, is more caring. he is allowed to experience the presence of god through other people and

will now become a better person thanks to his mother’s influence.

It was approximately midnight when the phone began to ring. my wife, peg, and I were

startled and awakened by the noise. as the phone continued to ring, my mind began to

clear from a sleepy fog and my heart started to race with anxiety. Who could be calling at

this hour? Was there an emergency? had something happened? phone calls in the mid-

dle of the night generally are terrifying and usually bring with them bad news. my wife

picked up the phone and noticed that the number on the caller ID was a strange six-digit

number and not the standard ten-digit phone number. maybe it was a wrong number, or

a prank or some sort of a scam. maybe we should let it ring and not answer it. If it were

important, the caller could leave a message and we would call back.

But a little inner voice coaxed my wife to answer the phone. “hello,” she said rather

hesitantly. She was startled and surprised to hear the voice on the other end of the phone.

In fact, the voice was so loud and clear that I could hear it from a couple of feet away.

… “hey, mom, it’s Dave! hello from afghanistan. how’s it going in new Jersey?” We

quickly woke up our daughter, meghan, and the three of us excitedly gathered together

passing the phone around, each asking Dave questions and rejoicing in the few short

minutes allotted before we said our goodbyes.

oh, what a sweet joy to hear our son’s voice! god had listened. he had answered our

prayers! When we finally went back to sleep that night a sense of calmness, peace and

gratitude had descended upon us. our growing sense of anxiety knowing that our son

had entered the war-torn country of afghanistan had been dispelled, at least temporarily.

In this unexpected call in the middle of the night we found such complete joy and happi-

ness in hearing our son’s voice from a faraway and dangerous land. yes, truly the lord is

kind and merciful to those with aching and hurting hearts who trust in him.

In prior wars, families eagerly would sit around the kitchen table opening letters from

loved ones with care and anticipation, knowing that every piece of communication was

a blessing and a grace. each word lovingly would be read, sometimes aloud, so that all

could hear. In today’s world, with instant global communications, I discovered that it

One Family, One Marine, One Lord of All

By andrew e. Saunders, m.a., m.a.t.


10 4 10 5


can be a surprise phone call in the middle of the night from a war-torn country that can

become a sacred family moment.

It is never easy to send a son or daughter, a brother or sister, or a father or mother off

to war. there is fear and anxiety over a long separation from a loved one and the worry

and hope that the loved one will return healthy in mind and body when his or her

mission has been completed. the final moments and conversations before departure

are etched forever into our memory banks. the senses become heightened and more

intense. colors are sharper and more brilliant. our emotions become more difficult to

control. We vividly remember smells, tastes, touches and sounds with all their brilliance

and clarity.

yet despite the heartache, the fear and the deep anxiety, there also are feelings of intense

pride and of being touched by the grace of god. for peg and me, the last moments that

we spent with our son were on a Wednesday morning in a diner, enjoying a meal to-

gether. It was the simple pleasure of a mother, a father and their son sharing an ordinary

meal, laughing and enjoying one another’s company. as I reflect on what it means to be

family, I am convinced that each time we break bread together is a sacred and profound

moment. for us, this meal on that Wednesday morning was a celebration, a meal of

thanksgiving and a commemoration of our lives together as family. In our sorrow at

knowing that soon we would be separated, there also was the anticipation of great joy,

knowing that we would be reunited in the future.

Indeed, as time passes, it becomes clearer to me that the family itself is the “domestic

church.” It is in our sacred family relationships that we learn about life and how to love.

It is in and through the family that christian values and actions are instilled in the hearts

of each member. It is in the family that members learn that life is profoundly precious

and worthy to be celebrated with all its joys and sorrows and at all stages from concep-

tion to natural death. yes, the family is “the church in miniature,” with its own vocation

collectively and as individual members to love and serve the world as a “christ” to our

brothers and sisters. as family, we are called to live out the gospel and to transmit it to

other families and to all of society.

During our meal together, we thought that we were three anonymous people among a

crowd of other families and friends enjoying sacred time together. But about halfway

through the meal, we were approached by our small town’s mayor, a Korean War veteran,

marine and longtime parishioner of our church, who wished our son godspeed. Between

an old marine and a young marine about to go to war, there is a fraternal bond that tran-

scends generations, a code of conduct steeped in honor, courage and commitment. these

noble values govern a selfless and self-sacrificing love that is “always faithful” in service

to god, country, corps, family and friends.

anDreW e. SaunDerS one famIly, one marIne, one lorD of all

after the mayor left, we drifted back into anonymity, continuing to eat our meal together

oblivious to the whirlwind of activity and the cacophony around us. We knew that our

precious time together would be ending shortly. But before finishing our meal, we were

approached by one of our parish priests. learning that our son was soon to leave for war,

he offered Dave a blessing. We all bowed our heads reverently in prayer at the table. In a

way, it reminded me of that famous norman rockwell Saturday Evening Post cover depict-

ing a family saying grace in a restaurant. Quietly and without fanfare our parish priest

and dear friend called upon the Blessed trinity — the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit

— to look after our son and protect him from all harm.

as I further ruminate on this meal, it occurs to me that the family derives its strength

from honoring and respecting god’s laws and from praying as individuals, as a unit

and in and with the broader community. an old adage holds that “there are no athe-

ists in foxholes.” But I think that there should be a corollary that “there are no atheists

among families with loved ones in combat zones.” there is a common bond among

military families united in their trust in god regardless of the worst of situations and

circumstances. our lives are filled with daily prayer, and life becomes ever more precious,

sacred and beautiful with each moment worth celebrating. our faith and trust in god is

like Kevlar armor plating, providing protection, strength and comfort in times of great

anxiety, fear and loss.

I often have flashbacks to the day our son graduated from boot camp at parris Island and

became a united States marine. It was witnessed by three generations of our family — sis-

ter, parents, an aunt and grandparents. With a dramatic backdrop of the marines raising

our flag at Iwo Jima, the chaplain stood to give his invocation and blessing to the newly

minted marines and their families. In sharp military precision, 300 marines in their dress

green service uniforms bowed their heads in unison in prayer. their family and friends,

sensing that this was a sacred moment, joined them. We were families from all parts of

the eastern united States, with different religious beliefs and diverse economic and social

circumstances, yet we all acknowledged our faith and trust in god, coming together in

prayer to celebrate our common heritage as “one nation under god.”

and so, when the meal was done, it came time to part. Soon Dave would be on his way

back to camp lejeune and then to afghanistan. as we said our goodbyes, I wondered

how we, as a family, would get the strength to wait for his return home. Where could we

find that spiritual armor for solace in time of war? We soon discovered that it could be

found in mary, the mother of Jesus christ, the Word made incarnate. through the inter-

cession of mary, our faith in god, in christ, in the church and in the goodness of man

made in god’s image is reaffirmed and strengthened. mary has become our helper. She

is our model of faith who trusted in god, submitting and surrendering to his will. her

courageous living is to be imitated. as Queen of families she understands the fears and


10 4 10 5


can be a surprise phone call in the middle of the night from a war-torn country that can

become a sacred family moment.

It is never easy to send a son or daughter, a brother or sister, or a father or mother off

to war. there is fear and anxiety over a long separation from a loved one and the worry

and hope that the loved one will return healthy in mind and body when his or her

mission has been completed. the final moments and conversations before departure

are etched forever into our memory banks. the senses become heightened and more

intense. colors are sharper and more brilliant. our emotions become more difficult to

control. We vividly remember smells, tastes, touches and sounds with all their brilliance

and clarity.

yet despite the heartache, the fear and the deep anxiety, there also are feelings of intense

pride and of being touched by the grace of god. for peg and me, the last moments that

we spent with our son were on a Wednesday morning in a diner, enjoying a meal to-

gether. It was the simple pleasure of a mother, a father and their son sharing an ordinary

meal, laughing and enjoying one another’s company. as I reflect on what it means to be

family, I am convinced that each time we break bread together is a sacred and profound

moment. for us, this meal on that Wednesday morning was a celebration, a meal of

thanksgiving and a commemoration of our lives together as family. In our sorrow at

knowing that soon we would be separated, there also was the anticipation of great joy,

knowing that we would be reunited in the future.

Indeed, as time passes, it becomes clearer to me that the family itself is the “domestic

church.” It is in our sacred family relationships that we learn about life and how to love.

It is in and through the family that christian values and actions are instilled in the hearts

of each member. It is in the family that members learn that life is profoundly precious

and worthy to be celebrated with all its joys and sorrows and at all stages from concep-

tion to natural death. yes, the family is “the church in miniature,” with its own vocation

collectively and as individual members to love and serve the world as a “christ” to our

brothers and sisters. as family, we are called to live out the gospel and to transmit it to

other families and to all of society.

During our meal together, we thought that we were three anonymous people among a

crowd of other families and friends enjoying sacred time together. But about halfway

through the meal, we were approached by our small town’s mayor, a Korean War veteran,

marine and longtime parishioner of our church, who wished our son godspeed. Between

an old marine and a young marine about to go to war, there is a fraternal bond that tran-

scends generations, a code of conduct steeped in honor, courage and commitment. these

noble values govern a selfless and self-sacrificing love that is “always faithful” in service

to god, country, corps, family and friends.

anDreW e. SaunDerS one famIly, one marIne, one lorD of all

after the mayor left, we drifted back into anonymity, continuing to eat our meal together

oblivious to the whirlwind of activity and the cacophony around us. We knew that our

precious time together would be ending shortly. But before finishing our meal, we were

approached by one of our parish priests. learning that our son was soon to leave for war,

he offered Dave a blessing. We all bowed our heads reverently in prayer at the table. In a

way, it reminded me of that famous norman rockwell Saturday Evening Post cover depict-

ing a family saying grace in a restaurant. Quietly and without fanfare our parish priest

and dear friend called upon the Blessed trinity — the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit

— to look after our son and protect him from all harm.

as I further ruminate on this meal, it occurs to me that the family derives its strength

from honoring and respecting god’s laws and from praying as individuals, as a unit

and in and with the broader community. an old adage holds that “there are no athe-

ists in foxholes.” But I think that there should be a corollary that “there are no atheists

among families with loved ones in combat zones.” there is a common bond among

military families united in their trust in god regardless of the worst of situations and

circumstances. our lives are filled with daily prayer, and life becomes ever more precious,

sacred and beautiful with each moment worth celebrating. our faith and trust in god is

like Kevlar armor plating, providing protection, strength and comfort in times of great

anxiety, fear and loss.

I often have flashbacks to the day our son graduated from boot camp at parris Island and

became a united States marine. It was witnessed by three generations of our family — sis-

ter, parents, an aunt and grandparents. With a dramatic backdrop of the marines raising

our flag at Iwo Jima, the chaplain stood to give his invocation and blessing to the newly

minted marines and their families. In sharp military precision, 300 marines in their dress

green service uniforms bowed their heads in unison in prayer. their family and friends,

sensing that this was a sacred moment, joined them. We were families from all parts of

the eastern united States, with different religious beliefs and diverse economic and social

circumstances, yet we all acknowledged our faith and trust in god, coming together in

prayer to celebrate our common heritage as “one nation under god.”

and so, when the meal was done, it came time to part. Soon Dave would be on his way

back to camp lejeune and then to afghanistan. as we said our goodbyes, I wondered

how we, as a family, would get the strength to wait for his return home. Where could we

find that spiritual armor for solace in time of war? We soon discovered that it could be

found in mary, the mother of Jesus christ, the Word made incarnate. through the inter-

cession of mary, our faith in god, in christ, in the church and in the goodness of man

made in god’s image is reaffirmed and strengthened. mary has become our helper. She

is our model of faith who trusted in god, submitting and surrendering to his will. her

courageous living is to be imitated. as Queen of families she understands the fears and


10 6 10 7


anDreW e. SaunDerS

anxieties of departures and separations, the self-sacrifice of a family and a son and the

hope and joy for reunion and homecoming.

yes, mary, mother of god, Queen of families and Queen of peace, intercedes for me, for

my family and for all humanity, having borne in her womb our lord and Savior. our

Queen points the way to her Son, Jesus christ, prince of peace. Similar to the physical

nourishment received during our sacred meal in the diner on that Wednesday morning,

the eucharist feeds and nourishes the soul. this sacred meal of thanksgiving, this ban-

quet of the Body and Blood of christ, provides us with the Kevlar armor needed to sus-

tain us in times of great worry and anxiety. It is in the eucharist, celebrated in community

that we are strengthened as individuals, as families and as church. christ’s self-sacrifice

poured out for all humanity is a total, unconditional gift of love to humanity that serves

to convert individuals, families and communities to lives of service to others.

In times of war, especially with a loved one in harm’s way, the intercession of mary and

the nourishment of the eucharist provide great peace and comfort. however, faith is not

simply a solitary activity limited to private practice. It also has a public and community

dimension. faith calls forth to the family to be a witness of the gospel and to be a trans-

mitter of the gospel values. It is in the family as the “domestic church” that god’s love is

reflected through self-sacrifice and self-emptying service to one another and to the larger

community. military families, during times of their own anguish, anxiety, suffering and

sacrifice, have a unique calling to reflect god’s love as an outward sign for the community

in their gospel witness of faith, hope and charity to others.

and yes, even in a small town diner during a precious, sacred meal celebrating family life

and family relationships, families are called to be signs and witnesses, publicly praying

and asking for god’s protection over a beloved son, giving thanks and praise for god’s

great bounty, mercy and kindness.

Mary, Queen of Peace, pray for us!

Andrew Saunders is the Coordinator of Programs for the Institute for Christian

Spirituality and Director of the Catholic Center for Family Spirituality. He

holds Master’s degrees in Economics and Theology and is in formation for the

permanent diaconate in the Archdiocese of Newark. He has been married for

27 years to his wife, Peg, and has two children.

“Sunday Morning”

by Jennifer Raps


Seton Hall Law School

every Sunday morning, the St. Benedict’s ccD building is filled with children. It is also filled with

my family. four out of five members of the raps family are a vital part of the religious program in the

parish of St. Benedict’s. my mother, mary Jo, teaches second grade, and I am her aide. my younger

sister, Janine, teaches eighth grade and my father, Jeff, is the principal.

the photograph, entitled “Sunday morning,” depicts my mother teaching the first communion

class about pope pius X, who believed that children at the age of seven should be able to receive

holy communion. every week, I listen as she teaches with such conviction. It is through her that

I see god. the ccD program exists to teach children about the church. each morning I am the one

who learns a lesson in true faith from my mother.


10 6 10 7


anDreW e. SaunDerS

anxieties of departures and separations, the self-sacrifice of a family and a son and the

hope and joy for reunion and homecoming.

yes, mary, mother of god, Queen of families and Queen of peace, intercedes for me, for

my family and for all humanity, having borne in her womb our lord and Savior. our

Queen points the way to her Son, Jesus christ, prince of peace. Similar to the physical

nourishment received during our sacred meal in the diner on that Wednesday morning,

the eucharist feeds and nourishes the soul. this sacred meal of thanksgiving, this ban-

quet of the Body and Blood of christ, provides us with the Kevlar armor needed to sus-

tain us in times of great worry and anxiety. It is in the eucharist, celebrated in community

that we are strengthened as individuals, as families and as church. christ’s self-sacrifice

poured out for all humanity is a total, unconditional gift of love to humanity that serves

to convert individuals, families and communities to lives of service to others.

In times of war, especially with a loved one in harm’s way, the intercession of mary and

the nourishment of the eucharist provide great peace and comfort. however, faith is not

simply a solitary activity limited to private practice. It also has a public and community

dimension. faith calls forth to the family to be a witness of the gospel and to be a trans-

mitter of the gospel values. It is in the family as the “domestic church” that god’s love is

reflected through self-sacrifice and self-emptying service to one another and to the larger

community. military families, during times of their own anguish, anxiety, suffering and

sacrifice, have a unique calling to reflect god’s love as an outward sign for the community

in their gospel witness of faith, hope and charity to others.

and yes, even in a small town diner during a precious, sacred meal celebrating family life

and family relationships, families are called to be signs and witnesses, publicly praying

and asking for god’s protection over a beloved son, giving thanks and praise for god’s

great bounty, mercy and kindness.

Mary, Queen of Peace, pray for us!

Andrew Saunders is the Coordinator of Programs for the Institute for Christian

Spirituality and Director of the Catholic Center for Family Spirituality. He

holds Master’s degrees in Economics and Theology and is in formation for the

permanent diaconate in the Archdiocese of Newark. He has been married for

27 years to his wife, Peg, and has two children.

“Sunday Morning”

by Jennifer Raps


Seton Hall Law School

every Sunday morning, the St. Benedict’s ccD building is filled with children. It is also filled with

my family. four out of five members of the raps family are a vital part of the religious program in the

parish of St. Benedict’s. my mother, mary Jo, teaches second grade, and I am her aide. my younger

sister, Janine, teaches eighth grade and my father, Jeff, is the principal.

the photograph, entitled “Sunday morning,” depicts my mother teaching the first communion

class about pope pius X, who believed that children at the age of seven should be able to receive

holy communion. every week, I listen as she teaches with such conviction. It is through her that

I see god. the ccD program exists to teach children about the church. each morning I am the one

who learns a lesson in true faith from my mother.


10 8 10 9


mIchael toth

Dad was born on a Sunday. on another Sunday, 67 gracefully lived years later, he de-

parted this world for the eternal Sabbath. In between these two Sundays, Dad’s life was

a joyful celebration that he shared with those around him. In a word, he lived life as

though all his days were to be offered as a worthy gift to god.

professionally, he did what he loved most. he was a teacher. he put his entire self into his

lectures, working and re-working his material from the many sources that he so diligently

researched. he had a sense of the importance of rising to all occasions, which was distin-

guished further by the genuine affection that he held for his students, present and past.

thus, when he stood in front of his students, he was prepared for the task at hand — to

serve them. he saw teaching moral theology as a way of spreading the gospel. like John

paul II, he understood the subject matter that he taught as the church’s answer to the

question that the rich young man asked christ: “good teacher, what must I do to inherit

eternal life?” (mark 10:17 naB) Dad knew of what he lectured because of his profound

personal faith. When he taught, he brought us wonderfully closer to the same christ

whom he encountered in his prayer and work.

Dad’s family life also was a Sunday. he was blessed with eight children and 11 beautiful

grandchildren, and he blessed his children and his grandchildren with an abundance of

his own generosity. he was deeply committed to us, a living model of a warm and loving

father. he had the vision to see family as a blessing, and his own family as god’s plan for

him. he was forever joyful about his calling to marriage and family life. his delight with

his vocation led him to celebrate, so often, in the company of his own family.

not least, of course, Dad’s spiritual life was a Sunday, too. he followed christ with cheer-

fulness and loved the church completely. he never accepted the fiction that men cannot

be holy, or that professional success must come at the expense of christian values. he was

born in the bosom of the church and grew only closer to our cherished mother. Shortly

before he died, he printed a verse that perfectly captured his interior life, the depth of

which allowed him to see god as a child sees his loving father. the verse from the Book

The Man Who Was Sunday

By capt. michael toth, uSmc

of Deuteronomy reads: “and thou shalt make merry in thy festival time” (Deut. 16:4

Douay).

thank you, Dad, for showing us how to be grateful and to make merry all the days of

our lives.

Michael Toth, Dr. William Toth’s son, is an attorney in the JAG Corps with the

United States Marines. He is stationed at Parris Island, South Carolina.

the man Who WaS SunDay


10 8 10 9


mIchael toth

Dad was born on a Sunday. on another Sunday, 67 gracefully lived years later, he de-

parted this world for the eternal Sabbath. In between these two Sundays, Dad’s life was

a joyful celebration that he shared with those around him. In a word, he lived life as

though all his days were to be offered as a worthy gift to god.

professionally, he did what he loved most. he was a teacher. he put his entire self into his

lectures, working and re-working his material from the many sources that he so diligently

researched. he had a sense of the importance of rising to all occasions, which was distin-

guished further by the genuine affection that he held for his students, present and past.

thus, when he stood in front of his students, he was prepared for the task at hand — to

serve them. he saw teaching moral theology as a way of spreading the gospel. like John

paul II, he understood the subject matter that he taught as the church’s answer to the

question that the rich young man asked christ: “good teacher, what must I do to inherit

eternal life?” (mark 10:17 naB) Dad knew of what he lectured because of his profound

personal faith. When he taught, he brought us wonderfully closer to the same christ

whom he encountered in his prayer and work.

Dad’s family life also was a Sunday. he was blessed with eight children and 11 beautiful

grandchildren, and he blessed his children and his grandchildren with an abundance of

his own generosity. he was deeply committed to us, a living model of a warm and loving

father. he had the vision to see family as a blessing, and his own family as god’s plan for

him. he was forever joyful about his calling to marriage and family life. his delight with

his vocation led him to celebrate, so often, in the company of his own family.

not least, of course, Dad’s spiritual life was a Sunday, too. he followed christ with cheer-

fulness and loved the church completely. he never accepted the fiction that men cannot

be holy, or that professional success must come at the expense of christian values. he was

born in the bosom of the church and grew only closer to our cherished mother. Shortly

before he died, he printed a verse that perfectly captured his interior life, the depth of

which allowed him to see god as a child sees his loving father. the verse from the Book

The Man Who Was Sunday

By capt. michael toth, uSmc

of Deuteronomy reads: “and thou shalt make merry in thy festival time” (Deut. 16:4

Douay).

thank you, Dad, for showing us how to be grateful and to make merry all the days of

our lives.

Michael Toth, Dr. William Toth’s son, is an attorney in the JAG Corps with the

United States Marines. He is stationed at Parris Island, South Carolina.

the man Who WaS SunDay


110 111


“Being Present is the Greatest Gift”



often when we conceptualize an image of god we view him as tender with us and available to us,

arms outstretched. this picture not only captures the reunion of two cousins but also portrays a

“christ-like” exchange of being truly present with whomever you are with. this picture can be seen

two ways: first, as the younger (gabe, 2 years old, right) learning in to confide in his older cousin and

secondly, as the older (eddie, 3 years old, left) confiding in the younger. regardless of how you see it,

both are listening intently with an open and honest heart. this sincere relationship between friends

is truly the way god wishes to be in relationship with us. not just as god of the universe but as a very

real presence in our everyday lives with us sharing with him and him with us. While captured in a

moment of time, this photo is truly an example of God in My Family Life because it reveals a greater

truth about him: that he meets us wherever we are, even on a beach.


110 111


“Being Present is the Greatest Gift”



often when we conceptualize an image of god we view him as tender with us and available to us,

arms outstretched. this picture not only captures the reunion of two cousins but also portrays a

“christ-like” exchange of being truly present with whomever you are with. this picture can be seen

two ways: first, as the younger (gabe, 2 years old, right) learning in to confide in his older cousin and

secondly, as the older (eddie, 3 years old, left) confiding in the younger. regardless of how you see it,

both are listening intently with an open and honest heart. this sincere relationship between friends

is truly the way god wishes to be in relationship with us. not just as god of the universe but as a very

real presence in our everyday lives with us sharing with him and him with us. While captured in a

moment of time, this photo is truly an example of God in My Family Life because it reveals a greater

truth about him: that he meets us wherever we are, even on a beach.


11 2

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