Date post: | 29-Dec-2015 |
Category: |
Documents |
Upload: | rosalyn-crystal-francis |
View: | 220 times |
Download: | 0 times |
1
To Tell or Not to Tell: You’re OK But Others Might Not Be
Ari Tuckman, PsyD, MBA
West Chester, PA
adultADHDbook.com
To Tell or Not To Tell 2
Start with Self-Respect
There is nothing wrong with having ADHD. But private information is private. Insecurity makes messy situations messier—tell
too much or not enough.
The goal is to make well informed, well thought out decisions.
To Tell or Not To Tell 3
You Are More than Your ADHD Even if it feels like your ADHD sometimes
rules your life, it is still only part of who you are. It’s something to deal with, but doesn’t define
you.
Value and appreciate your good qualities, hard earned skills, and successes.
To Tell or Not To Tell 4
Disclosure Depends on Both People Disclosure depends on:
1. How you feel about yourself and your ADHD. The more secure in yourself you are, the more likely
you are to disclose in the right ways at the right times.
2. The other person’s trustworthiness and respectfulness.
Three Reasons to Not Disclose1. You can’t get the cat back in the bag.
2. Myths and misinformation abound.
3. People talk.
If you can live with these, then go for it!
To Tell or Not To Tell 5
Is ADHD an Excuse or Explanation?
To Tell or Not To Tell 6
To Tell or Not To Tell 7
Excuses
Excuses lower expectations because a person is seen as incapable.
This is ultimately disempowering because it relies on others to be forgiving—and not everyone will be.
To Tell or Not To Tell 8
Explanations
Explanations offer understanding for why something is happening—and therefore what you can do about it.
The responsibility for change is on the individual to use that information productively. But there is power in that burden.
To Tell or Not To Tell 9
Who’s in Control?
People who use excuses expect most of the change, flexibility, or accommodations to come from others. This leaves them passive and powerless.
Using ADHD as an explanation places most of the onus for improvement onto the person himself. With responsibility comes hope.
Talk Symptoms Before Diagnoses
To Tell or Not To Tell 10
To Tell or Not To Tell 11
A Better Way
Talk symptoms before diagnoses: “I have trouble remembering to do things later.”
This avoids needing to get into the diagnosis if you don’t want to. You still can, but don’t have to.
To Tell or Not To Tell 12
Ask for What You Need
Everyone has their individual strengths, weaknesses, quirks, and preferences. Don’t feel bad or apologize for yours.
Be specific. Explain how the other person stands to
benefit. Example: “So I need to write things down to
make it more likely that I will remember later.”
To Tell or Not To Tell 13
Offer Permission
Don’t assume that other people will guess how best to respond to you—make it easy for them to get it right.
Think up your canned speeches beforehand.
Example: “If I forget to send you that email, just go ahead and email me.”
To Tell or Not To Tell 14
Treatment Can Delay Disclosure Treatment can reduce your symptoms and
make your ADHD less visible. Gives you more of an option to not disclose.
A comprehensive treatment program includes: Education Medication and/or Cogmed Coaching Therapy
Sometimes It’s Worth Disclosing
To Tell or Not To Tell 15
To Tell or Not To Tell 16
Relationships Live On Intimacy Intimacy and connection in relationships are
built by sharing personal information.
The good stuff is easy—true intimacy means also sharing the struggles, frustrations, disappointments, and places where you disagree.
To Tell or Not To Tell 17
People Will Make Assumptions Whether you verbally disclose or let your
actions do it, people learn about you.
It’s better to actively shape those assumptions that people make of you, rather than letting them come to their own conclusions.
You May Need to Educate the Person
To Tell or Not To Tell 18
To Tell or Not To Tell 19
It’s Getting Better. . .
The bad news: myths and misinformation about ADHD still abound.
The good news: it’s getting better.
But don’t assume that other people know everything they should. Even if they know about someone else’s ADHD,
they don’t know yours.
To Tell or Not To Tell 20
Don’t Take It Personally
Some people simply lack accurate information.
Some people lack an open mind and don’t want to learn more. They know what they know and that’s the way the
world is. This says more about them than it does about
you.
To Tell or Not To Tell 21
Do Some Educating
You may need to educate the other person: In your own words. With selected readings: books, magazines,
websites, recordings, etc. to lend more credibility.
Create a soundbite about how ADHD affects you in that setting, so you’re prepared.
Disclosure at Work
To Tell or Not To Tell 22
Disclose Informally
Tell your boss what will make you a more effective employee.
The greater burden of effort is on you (or you at least need to earn your keep).
If you have to disclose, do it while there is still some good will left.
To Tell or Not To Tell 23
Truth Is Earned
To Tell or Not To Tell 24
To Tell or Not To Tell 25
The Truth Is Earned
Some people earn the privilege of private information—others don’t.
People who earn private information: Respond well when you tell them. Keep it private. Don’t use it against you later.
To Tell or Not To Tell 26
Start Small
We test out new people with less sensitive information and see how they handle it.
Strong relationships are built over time—the right amount of time.
To Tell or Not To Tell 27
Relationships Need Truth
Intimacy requires open honesty—this is what separates intimate relationships from acquaintances.
Relationships are tested by the truth and hopefully made stronger.
To Tell or Not To Tell 28
Earn Others’ Truth
Think about how you react to people in your life—are you making it easy for them to be honest and open?
If you tend to react strongly: Ask for a heads up, when possible. Work on your apologies. Make your intentions clear. Be sure to come back around to discuss it further.
To Tell or Not To Tell 29
How Does the Person Respond? A person’s response to your disclosure tells
you something about him.
You can use the truth preemptively—just put it out there in the beginning to save time later if they have a bad reaction.
To Tell or Not To Tell 30
Disappointment Maybe; Shame No If you disclose something and the person
reacts really badly, it may be surprising, disappointing, or frustrating.
But don’t take their bad response personally and feel shame about the personal information—their reaction is not the final judgment of truth.
To Tell or Not To Tell 31
Take a Stand
There are times when it’s worth outing yourself for the greater good. Or at least making a corrective statement.
Make an informed choice—you know the potential price and are willing to pay it. It’s about principal, not impulsivity.
A Happy Relationship in 12 Jokes or Less 32
Book for Clinicians
“… it is a real pleasure to read Tuckman's superbly rendered book on ADHD in adults, for it is so well-reasoned, science-based, information-rich, to the point, and finally—useful! Apart from wishing I had written it, I sincerely wish that you will read it.”
—Russell A. Barkley, Ph.D.
A Happy Relationship in 12 Jokes or Less 33
Book for Adults
“Written in a clear and easy-to-understand style, the book brings together a vast amount of information, ideas, suggestions, and research. All adults with ADHD can benefit from this book, as well as all people who care about them. Superb!”
—Ned Hallowell, M.D.
Acceptance is Empowering: Control What You Can, Let Go of
the Rest 34
adultADHDbook.com
Free weekly podcast Information on both books Upcoming presentations Recordings of past presentations Cool events Handouts and articles