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Introduction Introduction Introduction Introduction This little book is just a brief introduction to one aspect of recovery for addiction-prone people – recognizing and (hopefully!) changing our irrational thoughts. Irrational ideas make you feel bad about yourself. Rational ideas make you feel good about yourself. Irrational ideas can lead to addiction. Rational ideas can lead to a happy and healthy life. Important Note – for a more in-depth introduction to recovery and addiction, please turn to the many good books on the topic. p.s. Also look for the free e-book “Random Notes on Recovery (for Addiction-Prone People)”

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Irrational Idea #1 I should become quite upset over other people's problems and disturbances.

Why this is irrational It's irrational to think “What other people do or believe is most important in my life” A more rational way to think is “I can't change other people”

1. Other people's problems frequently have little or nothing to do with me and there is no reason why I must become unduly upset when they are different from me or behave in what I think is a mistaken manner. Remember: – Don't put your judgment on other people. – If you focus on other people, it takes your focus off yourself, which is not good. – A relationship is two healthy people with good self-esteem and independence.

2. When others do things that annoy me, my annoyance stems from the

injustice-collecting idea that I take towards this behavior. It is my own non-acceptance of reality, and my own senses (instead of his/her intellect/behavior) that are really upsetting. Remember: – Stop, think, then DECIDE how you want to act. – The person is probably not out to push your buttons - that is just your interpretation.

3. It implies that I have considerable power over them and that becoming

upset will somehow magically change their behavior. Remember: – The only power we have is over ourselves. – Don't get yourself upset - you can rarely help them.

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4. It sidetracks me from how I behave and the things I do. Remember: – Focus on yourself, not on others.

5. The more angry and upset I get, the more I reward them with attention

and therefore the less likely I will help them to change

How to make it rational 1. I ask myself “Is it really worth getting upset about, either from the

other person's standpoint or my own?”

2. If it is someone I care about, really care about, then I should not become unduly upset, but calmly and objectively attempt to show them their errors and lovingly help them overcome their handicaps and their hurts.

3. If I cannot eliminate the annoying behavior of others, I should not

become annoyed and instead should resign myself to make the best of a bad situation.

4. While I have the power to control and change my behavior, I do not

have the power to change others.

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Irrational Idea #2 My past history causes my present behavior, and that because something once strongly affected my life, i t should continue indefinitely to have a similar effe ct.

Why this is irrational 1. This is an overgeneralization because though it is true in some

circumstances it is not necessarily true in all circumstances. Behavior is based on belief systems.

2. You will usually employ superficial or easy solutions (like getting

high) that were once useful but now are inefficient and ineffective and you will not search for more effective solutions.

3. You can use this irrational idea as a powerful excuse not to change in

the present or use it to let you easily refuse to do something you would now really like to do.

4. “Because I learned in my early life to do things in a neurotic way, it is

now impossible for me to change so I might as well give up and remain hopelessly neurotic.”

How to make it rational 1. The past is important and I am influenced by my past experiences in

many ways (I am the product of my past experiences) but I should acknowledge that my present is the past of my tomorrows, and by working to change the present, I can make my tomorrows significantly different from today.

2. Instead of automatically continuing to do things now because I once

did them (like getting high), I can stop, and think about repeating my past acts. I can fight it on both a verbal and active level.

3. Instead of spitefully rebelling against most or all past influences, I

should objectively assess, question, challenge and change only those historical notions that are harming me in the present.

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Irrational Idea #3 It is necessary for me to be loved or approved of b y virtually everybody or at least every other signifi cant person in my life.

Why this is irrational 1. This may be nice or even desirable - but not necessary.

2. This is perfectionism and unattainable.

3. Other people have their own prejudices. They are ignorant, stupid, or

emotionally disturbed and I can't change that.

4. I would have to spend so much time and energy doing this that there would be no time for my thing.

5. I would have to give up my own wants and desires; I would be less

self-directing. I shouldn't direct my life to get you to like me - I should direct my life to raise my self-esteem. Otherwise, it's like giving up my life.

6. I behave insecurely or annoyingly toward others and therefore lose

their respect and approval.

7. Loving (rather than being loved) is the absorbing, creative self-expressing activity. This is inhibited by our dire need to be loved.

How to make it rational 1. Rid myself of my strong love and approval needs but have some

desire for love and approval from others.

2. True self-respect comes from liking myself and following my own interests and not the approval of others or whether they approve of what I do.

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3. I can admit to myself that it is annoying or frustrating - but not horrible or terrible - if I am not loved or approved of by those I want to approve of me and love me.

4. I won't conform for the sake of conforming or rebel for the sake of

rebelling. Consider what I want to do, not what I think others want me to do.

5. The best way I can win love is sincerely to give it.

Remember: You can't share love unless you really have it.

6. If it is desirable or practical to win love and approval of another, I will

do so in a calm, intelligent, planning way, rather than in a hit or miss manner.

7. I will be approved of for practical reasons.

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Irrational Idea #4 I should be thoroughly competent and achieving in a ll possible respects, if I am to consider myself worth while.

Why this is irrational 1. No person can be perfectly competent in all or most respects and most

people cannot be truly outstanding even in one; therefore, to demand that I must be so is to make certain of anxiety and feelings of personal worthlessness. Remember: If I say I have to be the very best, I set myself up for failure.

2. Comparing myself to others and fighting to be better than others is

being “other-directed” rather than “self-directed” and that becomes an impossible job because there may always be others who are still better.

3. Emphasis on the philosophy of achievement confuses my extrinsic

values (society's values) with my intrinsic values (values to myself).

4. This idea often sidetracks me from the goal of successful living. I should experimentally discover what my most enjoyable and rewarding interests in my life are and courageously spend a good time of my brief span of existence in engaging in these pursuits. Remember: Take time to have fun.

5. This idea creates fears of taking chances, or making mistakes, and

even of failing at certain tasks. Therefore, I prevent the very achievement for which I am striving, and create complete disengagement from the task, and cause a propensity to fail miserably at it.

6. This idea causes compulsive drives for accomplishment, which gives

me feelings of stress, tension, and many psychosomatic illnesses.

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How to make it rational 1. I will try to do rather than destroy myself to do well.

2. Focus on enjoying the process rather than only the result.

3. If I try to do well, I do so for my own sake rather than to please or be

better than others.

4. I will be aesthetically involved in the result of my labor rather than merely to prove I can do it.

5. When, for my own sake, I try to do well, I will not insist on doing

perfectly well.

6. I will strive to do MY best, rather than THE best.

7. I will learn to welcome my mistakes and errors rather than becoming horrified at them because that is the way I learn - through my mistakes. So I put my error to good use.

8. I will accept the necessity of practicing, practicing, practicing.

Remember: “Easy does it, but do it.”

9. I will often force myself to DO what I'm afraid to fail at doing.

10. I must accept that human beings are limited animals and that I have

necessary and distinct limitations.

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Irrational Idea #5 Certain people are bad or villainous, and they shou ld be blamed or punished.

Why this is irrational 1. The idea comes from the ancient idea of free will: the idea that

everything is either right or wrong in relation to some absolute standard of truth, ordained by God or natural law. There is no scientific basis. It cannot be proven or disprove.

2. People actually perform wrong acts because they are stupid, ignorant,

or emotionally disturbed.

3. A wrong or bad act does not make a bad person. It makes no sense to blame them and say they are worthless and to be severely punished.

4. Man is a distinctly fallible animal who can be realistically expected to

make errors (hereditary tendencies and training). The sentence “I should not have made that error” or “I should do better next time” is nonsensical. Remember: This does not give you license to do sloppy work - instead, you should minimize errors.

5. Anger, blame, and punishment usually make a person behave worse

than before.

6. Emotional punishment has poor learning and consequences. Stupidity, ignorance, and emotional conflicts are not helped by emotional punishment.

7. Blame, hostility, and anger are the most essential and serious causes

of most human disturbances. Blaming one's self leads to anxiousness, guilt, and depression. Blaming others leads to hostility, bigotry, and grandiosity. (Grandiosity means showy, gaudy, imposing. Grandiosity is an “I'll show you” attitude, a “get even” attitude.)

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How to make it rational 1. Do not criticize or blame others or myself because it came from

stupidity, ignorance, or emotional disturbance.

2. Accept people when they are stupid; help them when they are ignorant or emotionally disturbed. Remember: Don't let yourself get upset. It may be best to back away.

3. When others blame me, ask myself “Did I perform a responsible act?”

If “no”, try to prevent it next time. If “yes”, then it's the other person's problem - from stupidity, ignorance, or emotional conflicts. Remember: You must be able to walk away if it's the other person's problem - being able to walk away is very important to alcoholics.

4. I now understand why people act the way they do. If possible, I

calmly try to stop them. If not, I accept it (Serenity Prayer).

5. Calm, objective punishment often helps the learning process.

6. I should tell myself that though I did an irrational act this time I will try to do a rational act next time. Remember: Rational act - makes me feel good about myself. Irrational act - makes me feel bad about myself.

7. I tell myself I blundered or failed but it is not catastrophic and the

main point is how can I learn from this mistake so I will blunder less next time.

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Irrational Idea #6 It is catastrophic and awful when things are not th e way I want them to be.

Why this is irrational 1. There is no reason why things should be different from how they are,

no matter how unfortunate or unfair they are. I cannot change what is, only my feelings about it.

a. Disliking nasty conditions is perfectly reasonable, but

becoming seriously disturbed because reality is reality, is absurd.

b. It would be nice if things were different from the way they are,

or if we got what we wanted out of life, instead of what we get, but the fact that is would be nice hardly makes it so, nor gives me a reasonable reason to cry when it is not so. Remember: – ”She makes me so angry” - you cannot change the person, but you can change your emotional response. I can get angry, but you can't make me angry. – ”Kill it with kindness.” Practice doing this.

2. Getting extremely upset over conditions will rarely help me change

them. In fact, I become more upset, more discouraged, more disorganized and ineffectual.

3. Some things cannot be changed. The only rational thing is to accept

them.

4. No matter how badly frustrated or deprived, I need not make myself unhappy about this deprivation, if I do not define my preference as a dire necessity. (Preference being the fact that I would prefer that things be a particular way.) Remember:

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– Don't think things have to be perfect in order for you to get sober; get sober and work on them.

How to make it rational 1. I determine whether the situation is truly annoying in its own right, or

am I imagining or exaggerating its irritability quality. Remember: – ”How annoying is it - or am I just imagining it will be a big deal?” – We tend to project or anticipate that something will bother us, and the more we think about it, the bigger deal it gets to be.

2. I face the situation calmly, work at improving it, and if change is

impossible, accept its existence. Remember: – Stop – think – decide – act - feel.

3. I perceive my tendency to catastrophize: “oh my god, how terrible, I

can't stand it!” I challenge this statement and change it to “It's too bad that conditions are the way they are, but they won't kill me. I can stand living in this uncomfortable but hardly catastrophic way” Remember: – Ask, “How big a deal is it, anyways?”

4. Whenever possible, try to make the most of frustrating situations.

Learn by them, accept them as challenges, and integrate them into a useful life.

5. Accept the inevitable annoyances and irritations. Do not exaggerate

them by making yourself annoyed at being annoyed and thereby increasing the original irritation. Focus on the more pleasant aspects of life until the unpleasant sensation goes away.

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Irrational Idea #7 My unhappiness is caused by external influences, an d I have little or no ability to control my sorrows and disturbances. Put another way, this irrational idea is “Other people and events make me unhappy or happy”.

Why this is irrational 1. Except for physical assault, it is impossible for me to be harmed by

outside forces unless I specifically let myself or actually make myself be harmed. It is never the words or gestures of others that hurt me but my attitudes toward my reactions to these symbols (words or gestures).

2. Whenever you say “it hurts me when my friends are unkind” or “I

can't stand it when things go wrong” you are really saying “I disturb myself by telling myself it is horrible and I tell myself it is really frightful for things to be wrong”. At most, it is just a somewhat annoying event or act that becomes horrible because I make it so and which in its own right has little or no actual effect on me.

3. It has been difficult for me to change or control my emotions because

I rarely attempted to do so or I did so in a careless hasty manner. If I could realistically view them (emotions) as being composed of thoughts, evaluations, perceptions, experiences, and what I was taught, then it is possible to work calmly at changing them. Remember: – Feelings are dependent on thoughts. – You have to be aware that nothing outside you can make you unhappy. – We didn't get sober to be unhappy. – Stop, think, then DECIDE (decide how I want to feel), act, feel. – I can control how I feel. I can decide how I feel.

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How to make it rational 1. I say to myself “I am creating my own negative emotion by reacting unthinkingly to some situation or person”. Since I produce the negative emotions, I can change them. 2. After #1, think about it and trace it back to my own irrational thinking (actual sentences), with which I created it (the negative emotion). Then I will pause and forcefully question and challenge these emotions, creating sentences (which put your negative emotions into words) until I become conscious/convinced of their inner contradictions and find them unacceptable. Remember: – Our belief systems say we should have pain - this is not so. 3. I can almost always, with a rational philosophy of life, overcome physical handicaps and adversity as long as I am alive, and keep thinking, deciding, and acting. Remember: – Distinguish btw what's real and what's created.

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Irrational Idea #8 I must keep worrying about all actual and potential dangers. If something is, or may be, dangerous or threatening, I will be concerned about it and will keep thinking about the possibility of it happening. I should keep worrying about this actual or potential danger.

Why this is irrational 1. Worry, anxiety, and intense fear is rarely of a constructive nature and

usually prevents one from being able to do something effective about preventing or meeting any real danger. Usually this leads to fantasies about the harmfulness of a situation.

2. Worrying will not prevent it from happening, but will often contribute

to bring it about (like getting into a car accident from over-concern).

3. Even if a dangerous or threatening situation can happen, worry increases the chances of it happening. Remember: – Self-centered fear activates character defects.

4. Some dreaded events are inevitable, like dying, taxes, illness, but

nothing can possibly prevent them from occurring. Therefore, you create for yourself the additional and much more crippling disadvantage of being upset, long before they actually occur, during which time you might otherwise be enjoying yourself.

5. You can live comfortably, though somewhat inconveniently with

dangerous and other dreaded events, so worrying about them is pointless. Remember: – Get to the point where you'll do anything to stay sober, not just something to stay sober.

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How to make it rational 1. Most worries are caused not by external dangers, but by telling myself

“wouldn't it be terrible if this would happen”. Change this to “It would be a nuisance, but it would not be terrible, and I can learn to deal with it.” Remember: – Avoid tendency to catastrophize.

2. I will keep showing myself how my irrational fears do not prevent

danger, but in fact, often increase them, and my fears are more harmful than the dangers themselves.

3. I will realize that most fears are disguised forms of the fear of what

others think of me, and I should continually be aware of this.

4. I will question the reality of my anxiety even though it may have been appropriate in the past, when I was smaller and younger, and I had more things to really be afraid of.

5. I should frequently do the things that I am afraid of (like public

speaking and standing up for my rights) in order to prove to myself that there is nothing intrinsically frightful about these things. Remember: – If you're not doing something because of fear of rejection or fear of not being accepted, do it.

6. I will not become alarmed when previously conquered fears

temporarily arise again, but will work at eliminating them once more by honestly facing them and thinking about them until they have little or no tendency to return.

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Irrational Idea #9 It's easier to procrastinate and to avoid, rather t han face certain life difficulties and responsibilities. This idea put another way: it is easiest to do the things that come easily, naturally, or that are intrinsically enjoyable, and to avoid certain life difficulties and self-responsibilities.

Why this is irrational 1. The ease of avoidance is only at the exact moment of decision and

fails to consider the many problems and annoyances engendered by avoidance. For Example: – Boy avoids kissing girl: rough time later because of missed satisfaction; never knew what she thought of him; gained no practice in kissing - results in hours, days, and years of unhappy feelings.

2. Avoidance seems easy to perform with no effort - I really spend many

hours of self-debate, torture, and ingenious plotting and scheming before I can arrange not to commit myself. Therefore, this increases my discomfort. Remember: – Unhappy feelings get bigger and bigger. – To postpone a responsibility leads to more discomfort. – Procrastination: putting off ways of raising self-esteem.

3. Self-control increases through taking chances, taking on difficulties,

and especially doing responsible acts. Remember: – Drinking is an avoidance technique.

4. Many people believe that an easy, evasive and less responsible life is

the rewarding one. This is a doubtful assumption. Human beings seem to be happiest when they are goal oriented (in the sense of being committed to working steadily and relatively calmly at some long-

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range, fairly difficult project). Remember: – Our new goal is sobriety. – We gain self-esteem by doing responsible things. – We learn through our behavior (drinking behavior is caused by sickness). – Sobriety demands effort, responsibility. – Self-esteem goes up when we go from dry to sober.

How to make it rational 1. I will, without complaining, do the things that are necessary for me to

do no matter how much I dislike doing them. I can tell myself that they are necessary, force myself to do them, and get them out of the way as quickly as possible. Remember: – Prove to yourself that a responsible act feels good.

2. I will not accept as fact that I am naturally lazy

3. I will not be too self-disciplined or do things the hard way, but I will

help my normal self-disciplining activities by adopting a planned schedule of work and reasonable short-term goals.

4. Face the fact that living is exactly what the word means, and that

resting and avoiding are often healthy intervals in a full life, but become deadly if they occupy the major part of that life. Remember: – We're not getting sober just to rest.

5. The more responsibility challenging my existence the more enjoyable

Remember: – Easy does it - but do it. – Don't get hungry, angry, lonely or tired.

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Irrational Idea #10 I am dependent on others and I need someone stronge r than myself on whom to rely.

Why this is irrational It is true that all of us are somewhat dependent on others in a complex society, but we should not maximize this dependency and demand that others do my thinking and choosing. Let me be socially cooperative, but as little as possible, subservient. Remember: – Don't be a doormat.

1. Dependency is inversely related to individualism, and independency Remember: – Individualism: doing things for ourselves. – The more dependent you are on other people the less you stand on your own - the more power they have over you.

2. I have to give up many things that I want to do to do what others want

Remember: – By putting others first, you don't get to do your thing. – Responsibility to yourself first.

3. The more dependent, the less I do for myself, and do not learn and I

become more and more dependent, less and less self-confident, never find self-esteem and have greater anxiety and less feelings of security

4. I put myself to a considerable degree at their mercy. I never know

when they will cease to be dependable, move, or die. Remember: – Put no one on a pedestal. – The more you can do for yourself, the better off you are. – You are dependent on group but must also be independent.

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How to make it rational 1. I accept the fact that I will always be, in some essential respects, alone

in this world. There's no escaping that.

2. It is not terrible to stand by one's self and be responsible for one's own decisions Remember: – If you believe in what you're doing, do it.

3. I am the only one who knows my own basic wants and the only one

who can face my own situations

4. It is never terrible or awful to fail to achieve certain goals. Humans mainly learn by failing and my failures have nothing to do with my personal worth as a human being. Remember: – But don't let this become a self-fulfilling prophecy: try to limit number of mistakes made. – Don't set goals so high you can't achieve them.

5. It's better to take risks of my own choosing and make errors than to

“sell my soul” for unnecessary aid from others

6. I should not defensively or rebelliously refuse all help from others to prove how strong I am and how I can completely stand on my own two feet, but should, at times, frankly seek and accept other's aid when really needed.