11th European EFTC Conference

Ljubljana, 6th-9th June, 2007

Tipical contents of therapy work with family members of drug users

dr. Bogdan Polajner, univ. dipl. psih.

Part 1:

BASIC CHARACTERISTICS OF (whole) FAMILIES WITH HEALTHY RELATIONS

Part 2:

CHARACTERISTICS OF (whole) FAMILIES WITH A BASIC RELATIONSHIP PATHOLOGY

BASIC CHARACTERISTICS OF (whole) FAMILIES WITH HEALTHY RELATIONS

BASIC CHARACTERISTICS OF (WHOLE) FAMILIES WITH HEALTHY RELATIONS (1.)

FIRST FAMILY PERIOD WITH REGARD TO THE CHILDREN

(children, young persons)

1. ALL BASIC RELATIONS ARE EMOTIONALLY LIVING

2. PARENTS ARE ROLE MODELS – THEY ENJOY LIFE

3. HOLISTIC UPBRINGING OF THE CHILDREN

4. PREPARATION OF CHILDREN FOR INDEPENDENCE

5. FOCUS ON INDEPENDENCE OF ADULT OFFSPRING

BASIC CHARACTERISTICS OF (WHOLE) FAMILIES WITH HEALTHY RELATIONS -1.

1. ALL RELATIONS IN THE FAMILY ARE EMOTIONALLY LIVING :- Between the partners- Towards the children- Towards themselves

2. PARENTS ARE ROLE MODELS – THEY ENJOY LIFE:- Focusing on experiencing transcendence- The hardships and unpleasant experiences in life have a meaning

3. PARENTS RAISE THEIR CHILDREN – HOLISTIC UPBRINGING: - Basic condition for upbringing: consistent attitude of the parents towards the children (common boundaries)- 4 basic elements of upbringing: loving environment, demands, rewards, punishment

4. PARENTS PREPARE THEIR CHILDREN FOR INDEPENDENCE:- Children go through pleasant and unpleasant experiences in life (parents help their children to respond to them)- Youngsters are responsible for themselves, their decisions, actions,…

5. THE FAMILY FOCUSES ON THE INDEPENDENCE OF ADULT OFFSPRING:- Emotional separation enables the individualisation of young persons- Positive experience with the family of birth, socialisation of young persons – once they grow up they tend to form

families of their own

(whole) FAMILY WITH HEALTHY RELATIONS – 1.

BASIC CHARACTERISTICS OF (whole) FAMILIES WITH

HEALTHY RELATIONS – 2.

SECOND FAMILY PERIOD(early adulthood of offspring)

5. THE FAMILY FOCUSES ON INDEPENDENCE OF ADULT OFFSPRING:

Emotional separation enables individualisation of young persons

Positive experience with the family of birth, socialisation,

more likely to form families of their own

(Whole) FAMILY WITH HEALTHY RELATIONS - 2

CHARACTERISTICS OF (whole) FAMILIES WITH A BASIC

RELATIONSHIP PATHOLOGY

CHARACTERISTICS OF (whole) FAMILIES WITH A BASIC RELATIONSHIP PATHOLOGY

- The relationship pathology of families is diametrically opposite to the 5 basic aspects of a healthy family

- There is no pure pathological family type- In most cases we are dealing with unintentional errors and mistakes of the parents

which is not their fault- Pathology is often combined (more relationship pathologies are present at the same

time)- Pathological relations are one of the basic sources of suffering for the children- Pathological relations are an independent source of suffering – independent of the

negative influences of peers and society, biological (hereditary) disorders and illnesses, ones own culpable behaviour, alienation of ones own ontological core

- Pathological relations as a source of suffering for the children significantly increase a child’s need for pathological intoxications (addictions), increase behavioural outbursts and acting-out behavior, mental disorders and problems, aggression, other forms of self-destruction,…

- There are 5 common groups of relationship pathologies of families (examples are given later)

CHARACTERISTICS OF (whole) FAMILIES WITH A BASIC RELATIONSHIP PATHOLOGY

There are 5 common groups of relationship

pathologies of families:

- (only) merely functional relations- possessivenes- no transcendence of life (“prohibition” of enjoyment)- spoiling- basic educational mistakes- overprotectivenes

ad.-1.1.: FAMILY WITH MERELY FUNCTIONAL RELATIONS

Family with merely functional relations

Typical problems:

- Pre-occupied parents (executives, businessmen, officials,...)

- Parents’ philosophy: “The best thing I can give a child is material welfare – it is the only thing that matters!”

- Children who are abandoned in a relationship and lack education (undisciplined); children often replace the lack of emotional support and relations with a “chemical crutch”, problematic role-models (especially rebels),…

ad.-1.2.: POSSESSIVE PARENT(S)

Family with possessive parent(s)

Typical problems:

- The parent replaces unfulfilled partnership needs (warmth, love, comfort,…) through the child

- Philosophy of the parent: “I gave the birth (I / we suffered) – my child is my property!” “A real mother gives up on herself and the partnership and dedicates herself only to the child!”

- The parent develops a possessive relationship towards the child, blocks emotional separation, socialisation (especially partnerships) and emotional growth (growing up)

- In extreme cases an (emotionally) incestuous relationship develops

ad.–2.1: FAMILY WITHOUT TRANSCENDENCE OF LIFE

Family without transcendence of life

Typical problems:

- Parents cannot enjoy life (“workaholics”), often raised in a socially and financially poor environment

- Philosophy of the parents: “Life is nothing but suffering! School is OK – but wait until you start working!”

- No “peak experiences” in life, no hobbies, trips, entertainment,…

- Children adopt the “prohibition” of enjoyment, they enjoy only in behavioural outbursts (intoxication, outbursts of violence,…)

- Children have no positive perspective, they lack motivation for their adulthood and independence

ad.-2.2.: (PATHOLOGICAL) SPOILING

Parents, who (pathologically) spoil their children

Typical problems:

- Parents often raised in an environment with very few great experiences (no transcendence), the only great experience for them is the child

- Philosophy of the parents: “I know what deprivation is – I want my child to have anything he/she wants!” “Saying no to the child means you do not love him/her!”

- The child is “idolised” by the parents, he/she represents their only purpose in life; everything in the family revolves around the child

- The child is allowed everything, all his/her wishes come true- The child develops into an egocentric, spoilt tyrant

ad-3.: BASIC EDUCATIONAL MISTAKES

Family with basic educational mistakes

Typical problems:

- Parents often have a bad experience with education in their family of birth (violent, intolerant grandparents)

- Philosophy of the parents: “I could not enjoy my youth – at least my child should enjoy it!”

- Basic educational mistakes: lack of demands, different approaches of the parents (different boundaries of what is and what is not allowed), too many rewards or unjustified awards, lack of punishment (“If I say “no” to the child he/she will think I do not love him/her!”)

ad-4.:OVERPROTECTIVE PARENTS

Overprotective parents

Typical parents:

- Parents were either overprotected or abandoned in their childhood; also anxious parents

- Philosophy of the parents: “I love my child if I can protect him/her from hardship as efficiently as possible! Good parents solve their child’s problems!”

- A child does not have enough experience in life and is not taught to solve his/her own problems; life is wrongfully based only on the feeling of well-being (“the only right thing is what “feels right””); he/she is not capable of reasonable efforts, self-denial, patience, self-limitation,…

ad.-5.: OVERPROTECTIVE AND POSSESSIVE PARENTS

Combined pathology (1.): overprotective and possessive

parentsTypical problems:

- Ontologically “empty” parents; “existence” of “self” of the parent is combined with the self of the child

- Explicit pathological symbiosis between the child and the parents- Philosophy of the parents: “You will always be my child” The world

outside the family is dangerous, you will always need the parents’ protection!”

- The family cannot (and will not) trigger the processes of emotional separation and individualisation of the child

- The child becomes a “prisoner” of the parents (“Mom, now that I have started working, I can sleep in my own room!”)

- The child develops the most self-destructive characteristics, often actual mental illnesses (psychosis), obsessive behaviour, addictions (“I do not exist”),…

Some experiences of working with families of drug users

- Pathology of the parents is not exclusively “culpable”, parents are mostly convinced that they are treating their child correctly (wrong philosophy of life)

- Parents (and drug users!) find the visual approach helpful – they can understand something, if they see it (pictures!) (visual type)

- Parents (and drug users!) are susceptible to explanations based on typical practical examples (explanation of theories is a characteristic of a beginner therapist or an insecure therapist)

- It is not only about understanding the pathology and healthy principles; the key development in the family aspect of addiction is triggering the process of emotional separation and individualisation – this is a pre-condition for later independence (indicators: pain and crying with the mother, fear with young persons, explicit physical sensations: cramps, high-temperature, sickness,…)

Thank you for your attention!

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