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by Mitch Temple Licensed Mar riage and Family Therapist

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When Your Marriage Needs Help:You Are Not Alone

by Mitch Temple Lic ensed Marriage and Famil y T herapis t

AllScripturequotationsinthispublicationarefromtheHOLYBIBLE,

NEWINTERNATIONALVERSION ®NIV®Copyright©1973,1978,

1984byInternationalBibleSociety.Allrightsreserved.

©2006,FocusontheFamily

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Every marriage experiences problems. No matter how long you have been married—whether one year or 40 years —you will have problems.Marital problems can be

extremely intense and painful, and those hurts can cut deeply and last a very long time.

Thepaincausedbysomeoneyoucareabout

as much as your spouse may be very difcult todealwith.Mostof ushavepreconceivedideas

abouthowourspousesshouldtreatus.Weexpect

mistreatmentfromotherpeople,butnotfromour

spouses.Justrememberthatashumanbeings,

weoftenthink,feelandbehaveinwaysthatare

hurtful,eventowardthosewelove.Flawedpeople

treat each other in awed ways; so no matter how

muchwecare,we’llsometimeshurteachother.

Yourmarriageisn’tdoomedbecauseyouhurt

one another, have difculty communicating or

havedisagreementsoverimportantissues.Couples

havebeenexperiencingandsolvingproblemson

theirown—beginningwithAdamandEve,and

continuingtothisday.Themoreexperienceand

maturityacoupledevelopsinamarriage,themore

successgainedinmanagingandsolvingproblems.

Godcreateduswiththeabilitytosuccessfullymanage

relationshipsinahealthyandproductiveway.

Askothercoupleswhatittooktobuildastrong

andsuccessfulmarriage.Restassuredthattheir

strongmarriagesdidnotdevelopovernight.They

experiencedsomeof thesameproblemsyouhave.Onereasontheirmarriagesarestrongtodayisthat

theywerecommittedtotheideathatnomatterwhat

obstaclestheyfaced,theywouldlearntomanagetheir

problemsandovercomecrisisonanongoingbasis.

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Asyoureadthisbooklet,pleaseunderstand

thattheprincipleswe’resuggestingarenot

intendedtodealwitheveryproblemthatcouples

dealwithinmarriage.Weespeciallydon’twantto

implythatyoushouldremaininasituationwhere

yoursafetyorthesafetyofyourfamilyisatrisk.

If youareinarelationshipwhereyourspouse

displaysanyofthefollowingsigns,pleaseseekhelp

immediately:

• Physicallyabusive

• Displays symptoms of a signicant mental

illness

• Hasamajorchemicalimbalance

• Threatensthesafetyof youoryourchildren

Thesearenotsimplisticissuesandcannotbe

dealtwithbysimplyreadingabookortalkingtoafriend.Seekprofessionalhelpimmediately.Youcan

callyourlocalmentalhealthhotlineorFocusonthe

Family(719-531-3400)forareferraltoaChristian

psychologist or psychiatrist in your specic area.

A Model Couple?ChuckandBettieseemedtobeamodelcouple

astheynearedtheir42ndweddinganniversaryand

volunteeredtoserveonapanelforayoungcouples’

classattheirchurch.

Rebecca,marriedonlythreeyears,askedthe

smilingpair,“Whyareyoustillsohappytogether

after42years,andhowdidyougetsolucky?You

seemlikethemostcompatiblecoupleintheworld.

Did you ever have any real difcult problems?”

Theclasslaughedalittle,andChuckreplied,“Yes.” His eyes connected with Bettie’s. Then he

summarizedeachmajorstageof theirlives,sharing

someof thetrialstheyhadexperienced.Hewrote

onthewhiteboardashespoke:

In year one, Bettie had a miscarriage;

inyearthree,shebecamepregnant

unexpectedlyandIlostmyjob.Inyear

eight, our rst child was diagnosed with

autism; and in year 13, I took a job that

keptmeontheroadthreeweeksoutof

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themonth.Inyear14,IadmittedthatI

haddevelopedanunhealthyfriendship

withaco-worker,whichledBettieandme

toseparateforsixmonths.

AsChuckcontinuedtolistchallenges

andproblemsintheirmarriage,healsolisted

successesandvictories — anddescribedhow

theydevelopedtheskillstoovercometheir

problems.Hementionedpeopleandresources

thatcontributedtotheirsuccess.

ThenBettieconcluded:

Weweredeterminedthatnomatterwhat

happenedinourmarriage,weweregoingtorise

aboveit.Havinganunhealthymarriageorgettinga

divorcewerenotoptions,sincewebothcamefromhomeswherethosethingsoccurred.Ateachstress

pointinourmarriage,wecommittedtosolvethe

problemandallowittobealearningexperience,

notanexerciseinfailure.

LikeChuckandBettie,youcandetermine

tosolve,manageandovercomeproblems — even

crisis — inyourmarriage.AsChuckandBettie

discovered, you’ll nd that marriage problems can

actuallybecomethemortarandgluefortheoverall

strengthandsuccessof arelationship.

Problemsandchallengescancauseustogrow

deeproots,likeanoaktree,equippingustoendure

devastatingstorms.Dealingwithmarriageissuescan

alsocleartheair,actinglikeasummerlightening

storm, which rst appears loud and destructive but

canresultinpurerairandafreshbeginning.

Believeitornot,crisesthataremanagedwell

canbringacoupleclosertogetherandmoveeach

partnerforwardtoenjoyahealthiermarriagethan

everimagined.

Help for Different Types of Marriage Problems

Problemsinmarriagescanrangefromminor

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differentkindof help.Thefollowingexamples

illustratehowwide-rangingmarriageproblemscan

be.It’simportanttorealizethathelpisavailable

atalllevelsandcanturnevenahopeless-looking

situationaroundinaradicalway.

Minor Problems:JoeandMaryaren’t

communicatingliketheyusedto.Theydisagree

oftenabouthowtodisciplinetheirkids,andthey

spendlesstimetogether.Finally,theyrecognizethe

needtorefreshtheirmarriageandattendamarriage

seminartogetheratchurch.Athome,theybeginto

nd success implementing the tools they developed.

Serious Problems:GeorgeandMarthaare

either ghting or withdrawing, and George has

threatenedseveraltimestoleave.Itbecomesclear

tobothof themthattheirmarriagewillnotsurvive

withoutmakingitaprioritytolearntorelatein

healthy ways. They seek out and nd a Christiancounselor; and after repeated visits, learn to break

theirdestructivepatterns.

Crisis:ScarlettisdevastatedtolearnthatRhett

has had an extramarital affair. At rst, she is ready to

divorcehim.Shethrowshimoutof thehouse.But

in time, she realizes that she wants to ght for her

marriage.Hewantstorebuildtheirrelationship,too.

Sheinsistsonaseparationuntiltheycancomplete

intensivemarriagecounseling.Aftersixmonths,

Rhettmovesbackin,andbothcommittonew

patternsof behaviorandcontinuedcounseling.

Thoughproblemssuchasthosedescribed

abovearecommoninmarriage,theycanmove

fromnormaltoabnormalinashorttimeperiod.

If problemsinyourmarriagehavebecome

unmanageable,unhealthyanddestructive,orcause

extremeemotionaldistress,youmayneedsomeone

fromoutsideyourmarriagetohelpprovide

objectivehelp — someonewhocanaddresstheroot

problemandnotsimplythe presenting issue,thatis,

theapparentproblem.

Forexample,youmayfeelyourspousenolongercaresaboutyou,butthecoreissuemaybe

thatyouhavesaidordonesomethingthatdeeply

hurthimorher.Thepresentingproblemmightbe

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controlhisorherspending,oreachof youfailing

tocommunicateaboutwhatispermittedornot

permittedregardingspendinglimits.Thecoreissue

maybenotcommunicatingproperlyorsetting

appropriateboundaries.

Here’s the bottom line:If aproblemcauses

considerabledistressandyoudonotseemto

bemakingprogressaddressingit,approach

theproblemfromadifferentangle.Thebest

recommendationforongoing,unmanageable

problemswouldbetovisitalicensedChristian

marriagecounselor.It’sbesttoworkwithsomeone

rootedinChristianvaluestocomplementyour

beliefs,someoneprofessionallytrainedtoworkwith

relationshipissues.Noteverycounseloristrained

todealwithcomplicatedrelationshipproblems,nor

doeseverycounselorholdtobasicChristianvalues.

Indications You Need Helpfor Your Marriage Input From Family and Friends

If yourfamilyorfriendsrecognizethatyou

haveaproblemthatneedsaddressing,payattention.

Peopleoutsideyourmarriagecanoftenspota

seriousproblembeforeyoucan.Familymembers

andfriendsoftenhaveintuitivehunchesorbecome

concernedaboutyourrelationshipbasedonbehaviors

orattitudesyoumaymanifest.Listencarefullyif

someone says, “You guys need marriage counseling.”

Children’s Behavior

Anotherindicatorinvolvesyourchildren.

Theirbehaviorcanoftenprovideabarometer

of whatisoccurringinsideahome.Youand

yourspousemaybelievethatthecurrentlevelof

interactionandhealthinyourmarriageisokayand

justthewayitwillbe,butyourchildrenmaysense

thatsomethingiswrongandneedstochange.

Youngchildrenoftenreacttomarriage

problemsthroughabnormalbehavior.Theybegintoactoutatschool,aroundfriendsorevenat

home.Thesameistrueofteens,whowilloften

reacttotroubleathomebybecominginvolvedin

activitiesorwithpeoplethatareoutof character.

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Teenstypicallyattempttodealwiththestressof

anunhealthymarriageinunhealthyways.Teen

behaviorandattitudesoftenprovideameansof

medicatingtheirpain.

The Present Compared to the Past

Averypractical,commonsenseindicator

thatyouneedcounselingcomesfromcomparing

thewayyourmarriageusedtobe,tothewayit

iscurrently.Inthebeginningof marriage,most

couplesspendagreatdealof timetogether,

serveoneanother,compromiseondifferences,

communicateandsolvebasicproblems.Yettime,

conict and the stresses of life have a way of

squeezingouthealthyhabits.Amarriagecannot

survivewithoutaregulardoseof basicnurturing.

If thesepracticeswereoncecommonplace

andarenowextremelyrareornonexistent,yourmarriageislikelystruggling.Allrelationships

becomesickoreventuallydiewithoutthesebasic

ingredientsbeingaddedtoeverydayinteractions.

Physical Abuse

If physicalabuseistakingplaceinyour

marriage, the rst concern is safety. If you are

beingphysicallyabusedorthreatened,gettoasafe

place.Don’tremaininasituationwhereyouare

likelytobehurtagain.Contactyourlocalabuse

hotlineorthepolice.Thoughyoumaythinkwhat

is occurring is justied, and you don’t have any

options,don’tbelieveit.Physicalabuseisnever

justied or normal. There are always options and

peoplewhocanhelpyou.

Substance Abuse

Mostaddictionproblemsinmarriage — such

asdrugs,alcohol,gamblingandpornography —

cannotbesolvedbytheaddictorthespousealone.

Treatment for the specic addiction is a complex

andlong-termprocess.Mostpeoplecannotjuststopanaddictivebehavior.Itwillnotjustgo

away.Itrequiresprofessionalhelpandongoing

accountability.Ongoingcounselingandinpatient

treatmentisoftenrequiredtoeffectivelydealwith

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anaddiction.Itcanquicklydestroyamarriage,so

don’ttrytodealwithitonyourown.

Sexual Problems

Becausesexualdynamicsinmarriageareso

personalandsomuchapartof biblicaloneness,

thisareaof yourmarriageshouldbenurtured

andprotected.If sexualproblemsarepersistent

inyourmarriage,avoidingorignoringthemwill

notmakethemgoaway.Sexualproblemscanlead

tomoresevereproblems,suchasaspouseseeking

alternativesforhavingphysicaloremotionalneeds

met.TheInternet,pornographyWebsitesand

onlinechatroomsareallbreedinggroundsformore

problems.

Aseatingproperlyisessentialtogoodphysical

health,healthysexisvitaltogoodmaritalhealth.

Don’tignoresexualproblemsinyourmarriage.

Emotional Problems

If youoryourspousebegintoexperience

problemssuchasongoinganger,depression,anxiety,

abnormalstress,guiltorbiochemicalproblems(i.e.,

bipolarsymptoms,schizophrenia,paranoiaorother

psychosis),helpisneeded.Emotionalproblemsare

oftenreactionsandresponsestosomethingbeingoutof

balancewithyourspouseorintherelationship.Until

thecoreproblem(s)isproperlyaddressed,thepresenting

problem(s)andemotionaldisturbanceswillkeep

reoccurring.Oneemotionalproblemleftuntreatedcan

leadtomoreseriousproblems.Forexample,unhealthy

angercanleadtoseveredepression.Untiltheanger

issueisaddressed,thedepressionwilllikelycontinue.

Extramarital Affairs

Thediscoveryof anaffairisoneof thedarkest

andmostpainfulmomentsinmarriage.The

emotionaldamageandaccompanyingsymptoms

thattakeplaceafteranaffairaremonumental.There

isnohurtorpainlikethepainfeltbyabetrayedspouse. The emotional pain and intensity reect the

experienceof anextremelytraumaticevent.Shock,

denial,anger,depressionandotheremotionsare

normal.Whenthislevelof hurtoccurs,youneedto

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getprofessionalhelp.Afteranaffair,mostpeoplecan’t

gothroughthehealingprocesssuccessfullywithout

outsideintervention.Youexperiencethoughts,feelings

andspiritualchallengesneverfeltbefore.

Beingobjectiveandtryingtomanagetherollercoasterof emotionsaloneshouldnotbeattempted

withoutprofessionalChristiancounseling.Weekend

marriageintensivesarealsoavailable:Theyare

specically designed to help turn around marriages

whichhaveexperiencedcrisessuchasaffairs.Ongoing

counselingandsupportarealwaysnecessaryeven

afteracoupleattendsanintensiveorcrisisseminar.

Realizethatanextramaritalaffairdoesn’t

necessarilymeanyourmarriageisover.Infact,

as painful and difcult as it can be, an affair has

proventobetheturningpointinmanymarriages

tohelpthemmovebeyonddysfunctionandpainto

healthandsuccess.

Withdrawal

Prolongedwithdrawalisalwaysadangerous

sign.Withdrawalinamarriageindicatesthatone

orbothof youhavereachedapointof suchintense

painthatyoucan’tfunctioninsidetherelationship

anylonger,soyouwithdrawphysicallyor

emotionally.Thenaturalresultof withdrawalisa

downwardspiralintoanapatheticstatewhereyousimplydon’tcareanymore.Communication,sex,

affectionandothernormalrelationalnecessities

becomenonexistent.

Ongoingwithdrawalisoneof themost

difcult states a married couple can be in or get

outof.Aslongasthereissometypeof interaction,

includinghealthyarguments,thereisstillsomelevel

of concernorcareinthemarriage.Butwhenone

orbothwithdraws,it’sasigntheyhavegivenup.

Counselingistypicallyneededtoredirectthe

coupletothebasicsandstartovertorebuildthe

trust,concernandemotionvitaltothegrowthand

functioningof ahealthymarriage.Rememberthat justbecauseyouhavetriedcounselingbefore,there

isnoreasonnottotryadifferenttypeof program

orcounselinginthefuture.

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Destructive Patterns

Do you nd you continue to follow the same

destructivepattern?If youcontinuetoexperiencea

problem,andthesamereactionssurfacerepeatedly,

it’slikelyyouneedoutsidehelp.Doingthesamethingwillonlynetyouthesameresult.Itis

extremelyeasyforacoupletogetintoaperpetual

rut.Theonlywaytogetoutof adeeplyrutted

patternistochangecourseandresponses.Calling

an experienced Christian therapist could be the rst

steptopullyououtof therut.

Somepatternscanbealteredwithoutoutside

intervention.Forexample,awifemayconsistently

complainandnagassoonasherhusbandwalks

inthedoorfromwork.If sheismadeawareof

thisunconscioushabit,shecouldeasilybecome

motivatedtobreakit.Simplylearningtogive

herhusbandafewminutestounwindafterarrivinghomemayalsoprecipitateawillingness

onhisparttorespondtohiswife’srequestsmore

promptly.

Negative Spiritual Relationship

TheBibleteachesusthatamarriageissystemically

connectedtoacouple’srelationshipwithGod.If

yourmarriageisunhealthy,itwilleventuallyaffect

yourspirituallife.TheapostlePeterwrites:

Wives,inthesamewaybesubmissiveto

yourhusbandssothat,if anyofthemdo

notbelievetheword,theymaybewon

overwithoutwordsbythebehaviorof

theirwives,whentheyseethepurityand

reverenceof yourlives...Husbands,in

thesamewaybeconsiderateasyoulivewith

yourwives,andtreatthemwithrespectas

theweakerpartnerandasheirswithyouof

thegraciousgiftof life,sothatnothingwill

hinderyourprayers(1Peter3:1-2,7,NIV).

Marriageproblemscanobstructhealthyaccess

to God and the spiritual blessings that ow from

it.If yourmarriageisinatremendousamount

of pain,chancesareyouwillnotfocusonyour

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relationshipwithGod.Youmayevenstartacting

likesomeonewhoisnotachildof God.Youwill

tendtosayanddothingsthatareoutof character

anddishonoringtoGod.Painhasawayof

overridingourvalues,instinctsandevenourbeliefs.Forexample,nomatterhowwelltrainedand

mildlytemperedadogmaybe,if youstandonhis

pawlongenoughandwithenoughintensity,hemay

biteyou.Thesameistruewithpain:If youstayinit

longenough,yourthoughts,beliefsandbehaviorcan

benegatively(anddramatically)affected.

If yourmarriageisunhealthy,yourwalkwith

God may be as well. It is difcult to have one right

andtheotherwrong.Godpurposelyconnected

ourspiritualrelationshipswithourheavenly

relationship.Thewayweperceiveandtreat

each other denitely affects how we perceive and

respondtoourheavenlyfather.Godcommandsustotreateachotherwith

loveandrespect:“Eachoneof youalsomustlove

hiswifeasheloveshimself,andthewifemust

respect her husband” (Ephesians 5:33). God also

viewsyourmarriageasalifelongcommitmentto

yourspouseandtoHim.

Is Your Marriage in Crisis?Amarriagecrisistypicallyoccurswhenan

unusual amount of stress or unresolved conict

causesthelevelof anxietytobecometoointensefor

thecoupletomanage.Asaresult,anger,resentment,

dissatisfaction,frustrationandhopelessnesstake

controlof therelationship.Thecoupletypically

continuesthenegativeinteractions — ordisengages

completelyfromoneanother,andtherelationship

shutsdown.Icallthistheboilingpointormarital

meltdowninthemarriage.Itisusuallyatthisplace

inthecrisisprocessthatacouplecallsseeking

helpfromacounselor,minister,friendorfamily

member. Some counselors dene a marriage crisis

asamarriagewhereoneorbothpartnersdesiretoendthemarriage.

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challengesandtrials.Individualsandfamiliesare

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madedisasterssuchasdomesticviolence,terrorist

attacks,abuse,rape,workplaceaccidents,crashes,

military conicts and weather-related disasters.

Accordingtostatistics,thereareapproximately36

millionreportedcrimesandcrimevictimseach yearinAmerica.Theemotional,physicaland

spiritualresponsesthatfollowacrisisareoften

morethanmostpeoplecanmanagealone.

Peopleincrisessuchastheseneedothersto

helpthem — includingcounselors,pastors,police

ofcers, social workers, Red Cross workers and

otherstointerveneintheirlives.Thesameappliesto

amarriagecrisis.Youmustbeopentoothers’help.

Butwhatexactlyisacrisis?Howdoescrisis

affectpeople?Whataretheshort-andlong-term

effects?

Basedonpersonalexperienceandknowledge,

the denition of a crisis that I prefer is: “anysituationorstimulusthatcauseshighlevelsof

emotionalanguishordisparityinindividuals,and

whichleavesthemfeelinghelpless,outof balance

and out of control.”

Crisesarecapableof woundingusdeeply,

nomatterwhatorwhocausesthem.Someof the

mostdestructiveanddevastatingtraumasarethose

causedorcreatedbythosewecareaboutmost:our

familyandfriends.Anexampleof thistypeof hurtcouldbeamarriagewhereanaffairhasoccurred.

Theemotionalandsocialpressureonthewounded

partnerisfar-reachingandundoubtedlylong-term.

Thereisnothingthatcausesmoreemotionalpain

inamarriagethantobebetrayedbysomeoneyou

love,dependonandtrust.

Iamconvincedthattheemotionalscarsand

woundsthatoccurinfamiliesaresomeof themost

unpleasantanddamagingonthefaceof theearth.

Crisis is difcult in and of itself, and even more so

whenitiscausedbypeoplewhomwecarefor.

If acrisishasoccurredorif problemshave

becomeunmanageable,youhavearighttofeelupside-down.Yourentirelifehaschangedin

aninstant.Yourbody,mindandemotionsare

thrownoutofbalance.Youprobablyneedoutside

interventionandhelp.

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Onthepositiveside,acrisiscanleadtoa

solution.Itcanbecomethebridgethatmovesyou

frompaintoanewbeginning.

Twosymbolsrepresenttheconceptof crisisin

theChineselanguage:dangerandopportunity.IntheancientGreeklanguage,thewordcrisiscomes

fromtworootwords:decisionandturningpoint.

Thesesymbolsandwordsmostaccuratelydescribe

theunderlyingcompositionsof crisis:dangerand

opportunity,decisionandturningpoint.

Is My Marriage Worth Saving?Why Even Try?Withoutadoubt,yourmarriageisworthsaving!

Thoughallmarriagescan’tbesaved,divorce

doesnottypicallysolvepersonalorrelational

dysfunctions.Forcoupleswithchildren,itis

importanttounderstandthatresearchvalidatesthefactthatmostchildrendonotwanttheirparents

todivorce,inspiteof theirparents’argumentsand

basicproblems.Infact,oneof thenumberone

fearsof childrenintheUnitedStates,ages4to16,

isthefearthattheirparentswilldivorce.1

Dr.JudithWallerstein,apsychologistand

oneof thenation’spremierdivorceresearchers,

conducteda25-yearresearchstudyfollowing131

childrenof divorce.Shestates:

Twenty-ve years after their parents’

divorce,childrenrememberedloneliness,

fearandterror!Adultsliketobelieve

thatchildrenareawareoftheirparents’

unhappiness,expectthedivorceandare

relievedwhenithappens.However,that

is a myth; and what children actually

concludeisif oneparentcanleave

another,thentheybothcouldleaveme.

Asasocietyweliketothinkthatdivorce

isatransientgrief,aminorupheavalin

a child’s life. This is also a myth; and asdivorcingparentsgoesthroughtransition,

theirchildrenliveintransition.2

Dr.JohnGottmanprovidesinterestingresearch

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ndings that suggest why it is important to save

your marriage. He states, “The chance of a rst

marriageendingindivorceovera40-yearperiodis

67 percent. Half of all divorces will occur in the rst

sevenyears.Thedivorcerateforsecondmarriagesisas much as 10 percent higher than for rst-timers.”

Hegoesontoexplain:

Numerousresearchprojectsshowthat

happilymarriedcoupleshaveafarlower

rateforphysicalproblemssuchashigh

bloodpressure,heartdisease,anxiety,

depression,psychosis,addictions,etc.and

livefouryearslongerthanpeoplewhoend

theirmarriages.Thechanceof getting

divorcedremainssohighthatitmakessense

forallmarriedcouplestoputextraeffort

intotheirmarriagestokeepthemstrong.

3

Accordingtoanationalstudy(theNational

FatherhoodInitiativeMarriageSurvey),morethan

three-fths of divorced Americans say they wish

theyortheirspouseshadworkedhardertosave

theirmarriages(seefatherhood.org).

Findingsfromastudyof unhappymarriages

conductedbytheInstituteforAmericanValues

showedthattherewasnoevidencethatunhappilymarriedadultswhodivorcedweretypicallyany

happierthanunhappilymarriedpeoplewhostayed

married.Evenmoredramatically,theresearchers

alsofoundthattwo-thirdsof unhappilymarried

spouseswhostayedtogetherreportedthattheir

marriages were happy ve years later.4

When people hear about these ndings, their

responsetypicallyis,

All that research is well and good; but I have

triedeverythingIknowtodo,andmyspouse

simplywillnotagreetogethelp.Ihavecried,

begged,threatenedandpleaded,butnothingworks.SowhatdoIdo?Ican’tdoitonmy

own.ThereisnothingelseIcando.

Maybethereis.

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When a Spouse Won’t Go for HelpThreeof themostcommonreasonsone

spousegivestheotherfornotseekinghelpinthe

marriagefollow:

• “We don’t have that kind of problem” or

“Our problems are really not that bad.”

That’sthedenialresponse.Thefactis,

if yourspouserequestscounseling,your

marriageisprobablyworseoff thanyou

think.Yourspouseisapparentlyinenough

paintoseekrelief fromitinsomeway.If

yourspouseishurtingtothepointof taking

thisaction,youneedtojoinhimorherin

solvingtheproblem.If yourspousehasa

problem,youhaveaproblem.

• “We can’t afford it.” Most Americans can

affordwhatevertheyreallywant.If wecan

affordcellphones,hobbies,cableTV,eatingout,healthclubmemberships,dailyvisitsto

Starbuck’sanddesignerclothes,wecanafford

marriagecounselingoranintensivedesigned

tosaveourmarriage.Aquestiontoseriously

consideris:“CanI/weaffordnottogoto

counseling?” If you don’t go to counseling,

whatwillbetheoutcome?Canyouliveforthe

restof yourmarriedlifewiththeoutcome?• Anothercommonreasonyourspousemight

rejectcounselingisthatheorshesimplyisnot

hurtingasmuchasyouare.Yourspouseisnot

whereyouareonthepainscale.Thetypical

responseshownbythemotivatedspouseisa

senseof frustrationorunhealthyresponses

suchasnagging,pouting,arguing,accusing,

angryoutburstsorsimplybeingbitter.But

unhealthyresponsesliketheseonlycause

woundstodeepenandtheotherspouseto

movefurtherawayfromtherelationship.You

can’t “nag” your spouse into getting help.

Onthespiritualside,apossiblefactorthat

couldpreventyouoryourspousefromgetting

neededhelpispride.Manymarriagesarefailing

andareeventuallydestroyedbecauseoneorboth

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partnersaretoopridefultoadmitthattheyhave

aproblemandmaybewrong.Thesametenacity

andstubbornnessthatoftenkeepsapersonina

marriagecanleadtoalevelof pridethatprevents

thatpersonfromreceivingtheproperhelpwhenintrouble.If youthinkyouaretooproudtoaskfor

helporfeeltooproudtofacetheembarrassment,

youaretooproud.Pridecanstandinthewayof

progresslikeasentryguardingacastle.Nothing

cangetpastitormovebeyondit.

Oneof thegreatestthingsyoucandofor

atroubledmarriageistobewillingtosay,“I’m

wrong.I’msorryandIrealizethisproblemhasa

lot to do with me.” This attitude is the opposite of

apridefulattitude.Itsays,“IknowImustbewilling

tochangeif Iexpectmyspousetochange.Iwilldo

whatever it takes to save and change my marriage.”

Thiscouldmeancommittingtime,moneyandenergytoacounselingrelationshipthatwillhold

youaccountableforyourgrowthandprogress.

Aheartdominatedbypridesays,“Iwould

ratherallowmymarriagetodiethanadmitIam

wrong.” A heart driven by

biblicalloveandcommitmentsays,

Iwilldowhateverittakestosalvageand

rebuildmymarriage.IwillgiveupeverythingIown.Iwillchangejobs.Iwillmortgagethe

house.Iwilldowhateverittakes,becauseI

knowmymarriageisthatimportanttoour

childrenandourchildren’schildren.

Can You Do It Alone?Whatif onespouseiswillingtogotocounseling

andtheotherisnot?Shouldthewillingspousegoto

counselingorseekhelpwithouttheother?Inmost

cases, the answer is denitely yes. Your marriage can

behelpedimmenselyif youinitiatechange.

Whenonespousestopstryingtochange

his or her partner and stops pointing ngers,makingaccusations,andwithholdingaffection

andattention,theenergyoftenshiftstoself-

improvement.Whenyoumakepositivechanges,it

allowspositivechangestooccurinyourspouse.

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Thefactis,youcannotchangeyourspouse,

butyoucanchangeyourself.Oftenthemost

obvious point of movement in a conicted

marriageisself-movement.Changesyoumake

toimproveyourself andmarriagecaneffectivelyproducehealthyresponsesintheotherspouse.

Sometimesthebestwaytochangeyourspouse

istomodelpositivechangeinyourownlife.You

canencourageyourspousetocommunicatebetter

bylearningtocommunicatebetteryourself.You

cancoachyourspousetorespectyoubyrespecting

him or her rst. You can teach your spouse to stop

complainingwithabitterspiritbybreakingapattern

of complaininganddevelopinganewspirit.

Yourhusbandorwifemaynotbewillingto

readbooks,gotoseminarsorgotocounseling

at this stage; but if you take the rst step, your

changes may positively inuence him or her.

Forexample,whileSharonwasaChristian,her

husband,Joseph,wasMuslim.Theirmarriagewas

lessthanperfect,andJosephhadalmostcompletely

disengagedfromtheirmarriage.Sharontriedto

changeJosephrepeatedlywithoutsuccess.Asalast

straw,Sharonwenttoherchurchforcounseling.The

ChristiantherapistdirectedSharontolookather

own life and attitudes rst, before trying to change

Joseph.Heremindedherof thebiblicalprincipleof makingherself beautifulontheinside,insteadof

focusingonexternalbeautyandalterations.

Sharonbegantoevaluateherattitudeand

relationshipwithJoseph.Sherealizedthatone

weakareainvolvedshowingproperrespecttoher

husband.Sherealizedthatshehadaresponsibility

torespecthimastheheadof herhome,even

thoughhewasanonbeliever.Shehadmadethat

commitmenttohimandtoherGod.Shebegan

toseethatrespectingsomeonedoesn’tnecessarily

meancompleteacceptanceoragreement.

Sharonbegantoreframethewayshesaw

herhusband.Asaresult,herinteractionswithher

husband changed signicantly; and ultimately, these

changesinSharontotallytransformedJoseph.

Sharon’sradicalchangesaffectedJoseph

relationallyandspiritually.NotonlydidJoseph

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reconnectwithhiswife,hebegantoquestionthe

principlesof hisbeliefs.Hesawsomethingin

Sharon’sreligiouswayof lifethatwasmissingin

hisown.Intime,JosephconvertedtoChristianity.

The old proverb stands rm: Change produces change.Sameness produces sameness.

Thinkof yourdecisioninpracticaleconomic

terms.Askyourself:If Itakenocourseof action

orevenpursuedivorce,howeconomically

advantageouswillthatbe?Thecostofdivorce

intheUnitedStatescanaverageanywherefrom

$10,000to$20,000.Amajorityof coupleswho

divorce nd themselves living on half of their pre-

divorceincome.Afterdivorce,manysinglewomen

areforcedtolivebelowthepovertylinewhile

attemptingtoraisetheirchildren.

Divorceisnottheanswertomostproblems.

Divorceisnotthebestsolutiontobeingunhappy

or unfullled. It typically creates more problems

thanyoucaneverimagineandwillhavealong-

termeffectonyourchildren,aswellasgenerations

tocome.Therefore,thequestionis:“Canyou

afford not to go to counseling?” From a practical

standpoint,itmaybelikeasking,“ShouldIhave

heartsurgeryif IknowthatIwilldieif Idon’thave

it?” If your doctor says you will live in pain the rest

of yourlifeorthatyouwilldie,canyouaffordnottohavethesurgery?

Common Mistakes in ApproachingYour Spouse

• Showing disrespect.AsSharonrealized,you

can’tchangeapersonbytearinghimorher

down.There’sonlyoneresponseforthat

kindof approach:negative.Thinkabout

it.Howdoyoufeelwhenotherstreatyou

disrespectfully?Doesitmakeyouwant

todosomethingforthem?Doesitmake

youwanttoshowaffection?No.Showing

disrespectwillonlyalienateyourspouseto

theideaof seekinghelp.

• Losing control of your anger. Angerisoftena

wayof punishingyourspousewhenheor

shedoesnotgiveyouwhatyouwant.It’s

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notonlyineffectiveinproducingalong-

termchangeinhowyourspousebehaves,it

alsodestroysanythreadsof loveorfeelings

thatmaystillbeevident.Sure,if your

spousedoesn’trespondtoyourrequests,thetemptation exists to respond in anger; but if

youdon’tgettheresponseyouwant,getting

angryandsparkingaheatedargument

won’thelp.

• Blaming your spouse. Don’taccuseorpoint

ngers. Don’t resort to exaggerated or over-

generalizedlanguagesuchas:“Youalways

actlikethis!YouneverdowhatIaskyouto

do.Youjustdon’tcareanymore.It’salways

yourfault.Youalwaysdothisoralwaysdo

that.” That type of language isn’t valuable

insolvingtheproblem.Itonlycreatesmore

issuestodealwithandmorewoundstoheal

inthefuture.

Approaching Your Spouse the Right Way

• Beginbyapproachingyourspouseatthe

righttimeandintherightmanner.Choose

atimewhenheorsheisnotdistractedor

toostressedortired.

• Approachyourspouseinanon-

confrontationalmanner.Anangrytoneof

voice or condescending “parent to child”

approachwillonlycausehimorhertoshut

down.

• Makesureyoubringupthetopicinanon-

threateningway.If yourcommunication

patternhasdigressedtothepointthat

whenyoubringupthistopic,yourspouse

becomes defensive and “blows up,” you may

considerwritinghimorheralettertobe

readwhenyouarenotpresent.Thisgives yourspousetimetothinkaboutwhatwas

saidandrespondwithoutalltheemotions.

• Don’t say, “You need counseling.” Recognize

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and admit that “we” have a problem, and it

mustbeaddressedasateam.

Youmaytrystatementslikethefollowingto

encourageyourmatetojoinyouingettinghelpfor yourmarriage:

“I’mconcernedthatif weallowthisproblem

tocontinue,itwillonlygetworse.Ican’tgoonlike

wehavebeen.Ineedthehelpmorethananything.

Iknowyouareuncomfortablewiththis,butsoam

I.It’sembarrassingandevenfrighteningtome.I

realize,however,thatif wekeepdoingthesame

things in our marriage, we’ll get the same results.”

“Weneedoutsideinterventionanddirection.

It’slikebeinginastrangecityandaskingothers

fordirections.Localsknowthearea.Theyknow

thecorrectpathtotake,andwhichroadsare

easyonesandwhichroadsaredangerousand

difcult. A trained Christian therapist knows the

wayaround,hasbeentrainedandiscapableof

helpingwithissuesanddangersthatwecan’tdeal

with on our own.”

“IknowGodwantsustodobetterinour

marriage,andourchildrendeserveamorestable

homeenvironmentthanthis.It’sobviousthatif

wedon’tgethelp,wearemakingthedecisionto

continueinapainfulmarriage.Ibelievethereishopeforusanditispossibletohaveahealthy

marriage like we used to.”

“Iloveyouwithallmyheart,butIamtired

andneedyourhelpandsupportonthis.If you

won’tgoforyourself,wouldyougowithme?Let’s

talk about it after dinner tonight.”

Thesenonthreateningapproachestakesome

of thepressureandblameoff theotherpartner.

Theytypicallyopendoorstothepossibilityof

gettinghelpinsteadof closingdoorsbyusing

negativeapproaches.

What to Look for in a Christian Counselor ThekeycriteriaforselectingaChristian

counselorinvolvethecounselor’scredentialsandfaith.

Justbecauseapersonreferstohimself asa

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counselordoesnotnecessarilymeanhe’sproperly

trained.Acounselorshouldbelicensedbythestate

inwhichhepractices.Also,if youareexperiencing

marriageproblems,youmaywanttolookfor

aMarriageandFamilyTherapist.MFTshavespecic training in relationship dynamics. Licensed

Professional Counselors (LPCs) have specic

trainingindealingwithindividualproblems,but

manyalsohaveexperienceandtraininginmarital

issues.Youmayalsolookforsomeonewhohas

specic experience in working with couples in crisis.

Youcanaskquestionsthatwillhelpyoudecide

if a particular therapist is a good t for you:

• Whattypeoflicensedoyouhave?Themost

commontypesof licensureinclude:Licensed

ProfessionalCounselor(LPC),Licensed

MarriageandFamilyTherapist(LMFT),

Psychologist,LicensedClinicalSocialWorker

(LCSW)andPsychiatrist(MD).

• Whereisthelicenseheld?Whichstate?

Thelicenseshouldbefromastatelicensing

board,notsimplyfromaprofessional

ornationalcounselingassociation.The

counselor’slicenseshouldalsobefrom

thestatewherethetherapistiscurrently

working,notjustfromanystate.• Isyourdegreefromanaccredited

university?

• Whatothercredentialsdoyouhold?

Professionalmemberships?

• Do you have specic experience in working

withcouplesincrisis?Whattypeof

problemshaveyouworkedwith?

• Areyouactiveinyourfaith?

Justbecauseapersonreferstoherself asa

Christiantherapistdoesnotnecessarilymeanshe

isChristianinbeliefsandpractices.Herearesome

questionstohelpdetermineatherapist’slevelof faith:

• Issherecognizedandrecommendedbythe

localchurchcommunity?

• Doessheattendchurchregularly?

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• Whatactivitiesisthecounselorinvolved

withatchurch?Doessheteachaclassor

participateinserviceactivities?

• Whoisthecounselor’sministerorpastor?

Doesthecounselorfeeluncomfortablewiththeprospectof youtalkingtoherpastor?

• Doesthecounselorhaveastatementof

faith? Do her beliefs conict with yours?

• Whatdoesthecounselorbelieveabout

marriageanddivorce?

• Doessheencouragereconciliationandoffer

therapeuticservicestocouplestowardthatend?

• Doesthecounseloruseprayerand

Scriptureinherpractice?

If acounselorseemsreluctantoruncomfortable

inansweringthesequestions,feelfreetoseekother

recommendationsfromtrustedChristianadvisors

suchaschurchleaders,staff,Sundayschoolteachers,

denominationalboards,etc.

FocusontheFamilyoffersafreereferral

servicetoover2,000licensedtherapistswhoare

screenedandevaluatedfortheirbeliefs,expertise

andethicalpractices.Torequestareferraltoa

licensedChristianmarriagecounselorinyourarea,

youcancall719-531-3400andasktospeakto

someoneinourCounselingdepartment.Inadditiontotraditionalcounseling,there

areseminars,marriageworkshopsandretreats

that offer education about specic issues like

communication, nances, conict and intimacy.

There are also hundreds of specic books, DVDs

andCDsthataddressavarietyof marriage-

relatedtopicsfromaChristianperspective.

YoucangotoFocusontheFamily’sWebsite

(family.org)orcall800-A-FAMILY(232-6459)

toviewalistof Christianresources.Focuson

theFamily’sCounseling,Correspondenceand

Marriagedepartmentsmaintainacurrentlistof

recommendedresources.Thereareanumberof recommendedWeb

sitesthataddressmarriage-relatedproblems:

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• FocusontheFamilyMarriagesite(family.

org/marriage)

• TroubledWith.com

• LoveandRespect.com

• FamilyDynamics.net• FamilyLife.com

Inadditiontotraditionalcounselingfor

couplesincrisis,therearealsospecialized

intensivesthataredesignedtohelpyousaveyour

troubledmarriage.Mostintensivesarethreeto

fourdayslong.Theirpurposeistohelpcouples

inextremedistressbreakdownbarriersandturn

theirmarriagesaroundinashortperiodoftime.

Manyof theseapproachestomarriagecrisisare

seeinggreatsuccess.Formoreinformationon

intensives,logontoTroubledWith.comor

FamilyDynamics.net

Conclusion You can ght for your marriage and get the

helpyouneed.Youarenotaloneinthebattle,and

therearemanypeopleandresourcesavailableto

helpyou.Mostof all,GodwillstandbyyouasyouactwithintegritytopreservetherelationshipHe

joinedtogether.Findhelp,andstarttoday.

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Endnotes 1 FromWhen Your Child Is Afraid ,byDr.Robert

SchachterandCaroleMcCauley(Simonand

Schuster,1988).

2 FromThe Unexpected Legacy of Divorce —The 25 Year Landmark Study, byJudithWallerstein,Julia

M.LewisandSandraBlakeslee(Hyperion

Publishers,2000).3 FromThe Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

(ThreeRiversPress,1999).4 “Does Divorce Make People Happy?” (Institute

forAmericanValues,2002).

F O C U S O N T H E F A M I L Y

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