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8 The Lorian Feb. 19, 2015 Sports ‘Deflate-gate:’ a final solution COACH’S CORNER GRAHAM SLAM RYAN GRAHAM sports editor T his season served to reaffirm what we already know: the NFL is corrupt — from its commissioner, all the way down to its ball boys. This goes way beyond “deflate-gate,” people! This is a systematic pattern of unfairness the likes of which we’ve never seen before. But since the Patriots’ scandal is fresh in our minds, let’s start there. What can I say about Bill Belichick? That smarmy, media- trolling, Darth Sidious-looking creature is always looking for an unfair advantage. Deflating footballs to make them easier to grip? What will this guy think of next!? Apparently, quarterbacks with smaller hands like a little air taken out of the ball, while gunslingers with larger hands (like Aaron Rodgers) like their balls a little over-inflated. They say it’s a matter of preference. Nevermind the fact that it has virtually no effect on the outcome of a game, or that, since teams are responsible for their own footballs, neither quarterback should have an unfair advantage. TOO BAD, IT’S CHEATING! I don’t care if everyone does it — teams should NOT be able to customize equipment based on the size of their players. Read between the lines, people! This goes way beyond footballs! Have you ever noticed how some guys wear bigger shoulder pads than others—and how they’re the ones delivering all the big hits? It’s ridiculous! We need to issue standardized, one-size- fits-all shoulder pads. The same goes for helmets, too! And what about the discrepancy in glove sizes? You got guys out there with these MASSIVE gloves, making all these one-handed catches! They’re cheaters, too! Why should some players get more surface area to catch the ball? It all seems too fishy to me. AND CAN WE TALK ABOUT CLEATS!? Jesus, you got guys running around in clown shoes out there! Did you know that former Vikings’ fullback Jim Kleinsasser was rumored to wear a size 18!? Think of the extra traction and power those things generated! Talk about an unfair advantage. We need to standardize all NFL equipment! Somebody get Goodell on the phone! Speaking of unfair advantages, what’s the deal with some players being bigger than others!? Think about it: should a 270-pound defensive lineman be allowed to go up against some puny 200-pound quarterback!? How is that fair? The league needs mandated height and weight requirements. I propose we make the limit six-foot-two, 200 pounds — not an inch or pound more! That should make it fair! No more size mismatches, no more strength advantages — it’s perfect! I know what you’re thinking — “Not all current NFL players are 6-foot-2, 200 pounds. Wouldn’t some guys be forced into retirement?” Only if they fail to complete the league’s new body realignment surgery! Each player will have their excess muscles surgically scraped from their ligaments, and their bones shaved down to fit into their new 6-foot-2 frame! On second thought, let’s skip the middle man! I’ve already made one “Star Wars” reference in this HOT TAKE, why stop there? Let’s see if we can unlock the technology they used in “Attack of the Clones” to create an entire army of identical players. They’ll all run the 40 in 4.6 seconds, have 33 inch verticals, and they’ll all max-out at 250 on the bench press! Each player will be capable of playing any position! Best of all, they all get paid the same salary, meaning we won’t have to deal with that pesky collective bargaining agreement again! Each game, both teams will have exactly 300 yards of total offense, one turnover, five penalties, and every game will end in a 21-21 tie! The league will have so much parity that every team will finish 0-0-16. After five straight seasons of 32-way ties for first-place, the NFL will cease to exist! Kids will stop playing in Pop-Warner leagues, high school and college programs will start to fold, and football will become an ancient sport that people only read about in history books, like camel jumping or lacrosse. Oh, but old Roger isn’t about to go gentle into that good night. The NFL will RISE AGAIN, as Goodell and his team of NFL Executives band together to stage a mass-genocide, ridding the world of all women (and men who aren’t 6-foot-2, 200 pounds), BECAUSE THEY DON’T FIT ZE PROTOTYPE. With no women left for reproduction, the human race will slowly die off-- one 6-foot-2, 200 pound man after another — until planet earth is left vacant — a burning ball of despondency and devastation — a reminder of what happens when seeking an unfair advantage GOES TOO FAR. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, TOM BRADY!? IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED? YOU’VE DOOMED US ALL! WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE! WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE! THE FOOTBALLS WERE FLAT NOW WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE! DeWitt rides out a winner by DREW BRASHAW | asst. sports editor Loras wrestling wrapped up its 2014- 15 Iowa Conference schedule on Friday night, as the Duhawks played host to Wartburg . The top-ranked Knights went back to Waverly with a 33-6 victory, but Loras senior Steven DeWitt gave the fans at the AWC something to cheer about on Senior Night, scoring an 8-5 decision over 6th-ranked Drew Wagenhoffer at 157lbs. “It feels good,” DeWitt said. “It’s kind of your worst nightmare as a wrestler, to lose in front of your mama and the home crowd on Senior Night, so I’m excited.” After falling behind 3-2 in the first, DeWitt chose the bottom position to begin the second period. He scored 4 points on a quick reversal and near fall, and rode out the period to erase Wagen- hoffer’s riding time advantage. DeWitt added a takedown in the third and closed the bout with an 8-5 victory in his final home dual meet. “It shows I’ve made improvements throughout the year,” said DeWitt, who finished the regular season ranked 5th at 157lbs. “Earlier in the year, Wagenhoffer shined extraordinarily well at one tour- nament that I did poorly in, so I’ve made progress.” Unfortunately for the Duhawks (9- 11, 3-4 IIAC) not much else went right against the nation’s No. 1 team. Loras first-years Dayton Olson and Michael Triplett at 125lbs. and 133lbs. were blanked by a pair of #6 ranked Knights in Jake Angnitsch and Connor Campo to make the team score 7-0 in fa- vor of Wartburg after two bouts. Junior Nick Steger was the first Du- hawk to find the scoreboard, earning a gritty 3-1 decision over Wartburg’s Kaz Onoo at 141lbs. after getting off to a slow start in the match. “I really wanted to do as much for the team as I could,” said Steger. “Wartburg’s really tough, so I wanted to keep every- thing on-level and keep things from get- ting out of control. I may have come out a little sluggish, a little slow, but I really wanted to get something started for the team.” Sophomore Evan Weaver sought to build on the momentum of Steger’s victory, and came close to scoring his second upset victory over a ranked op- ponent in as many weeks. Weaver got in on a single-leg late in the third period of his 149lb. bout with #2 Kenny Martin, but couldn’t finish the takedown. Mar- tin held on for a 3-2 decision and pushed Wartburg’s lead to 10-3. DeWitt’s victory at 157lbs. made the score 10-6 halfway through the dual, but Loras wouldn’t score again. Sophomore Greg Vance and junior Ben Kindle were on the wrong end of major decisions at 165lbs. and 174lbs., failing to keep pace with Wartburg’s sec- ond-ranked Andrew Steiert, and third- ranked Brandon Welter, respectively. At 184lbs., first-year Awais Arain was overpowered by seventh-ranked Devin Peterson, who bulldozed his way to a pin- fall victory 0:47 into the first period. Junior Malcolm Watson came surg- ing back after falling behind early in his 197lb. match against Wartburg’s Gerard Roman, but his rally came a little too late, and Roman secured the 4-2 deci- sion. Loras forfeited at 285lbs. to make the final score 33-6 for Wartburg (18-1, 7-0 IIAC). “We wanted to come out and com- pete hard and fight hard,” said Duhawks Head Coach Randy Steward after the meet. “We thought we were favored in three matches, and we won two of them. But from top to bottom, we didn’t have anybody who went out there and laid down, and that’s the stuff you really have to look at sometimes. You just hope to learn some things from it and move forward.” The Knights’ victory earned them their 23rd consecutive Iowa Conference Championship, and 33rd overall. It also marks Wartburg’s 181st consecutive dual meet victory against IIAC opponents. It all comes down to this Duhawks battle Luther for sixth and final tournament seed by KATIE TRUESDALE | sportswriter From unexpected injuries to changes in the lineup, the Duhawks didn’t exactly have an ideal start to their season. With only two conference games left in the regular sea- son, the men are doing what they can to earn a spot in the Iowa Conference Tournament next week. Over the course of the season, teams have been dou- ble-teaming one of the Duhawks greatest forces on the court, junior Mirko Grcic, who is leading the team in re- bounds. “Right now we can’t dwell on the games in the past,” said Grcic. “As a team, we know where we stand in the conference standings. We aren’t worrying about what the teams ahead of us need to do in order for us to make it in the tournament. I truly believe that if we play like we have the past two games and make some minor adjustments, that we can win our last two games and gain momentum going into the tourna- ment.” The Duhawks hosted Luther this past Wednesday in the teams’ sec- ond matchup of the season. In the previous game, the Duhawks fell to the Norse 72-64. But if senior Na- thaniel Smith had anything to say about it, the Duhawks were leaving the AWC with a win. Smith had a career high against the Norse, scoring 34 of the Duhawks 70 points on the offensive end. With only a 31-30 lead at the half, the Duhawks capitalized on the defensive end with multiple missed shots by the Norse. The men were able to keep the lead and defeat the Norse 70-61, picking up a crucial win heading into their next game against Coe on Senior Day. Seniors Nathaniel Smith, Luke Barry, Bobby Harmening, Regan Takes, and Aaron Schueller got the start Saturday and were honored for their four years of commitment to the team. Neither team led by more than six in the first half, as the Kohawks took a 37-32 lead by halftime. With impressive play from senior Luke Barry and sophomore Justin VanWambeke, the Duhawks were able to tie the game at 66 with two minutes left. The Duhawks’ shots just wouldn’t fall down the stretch however, as Coe held on for a 71-66 victory. “Senior Day was a surreal day,” said Smith. “Although we didn’t get the result we wanted, it was a great moment to step onto the court one last time with my fellow seniors. I’m truly blessed to have been part of this program for four years. “We just didn’t get enough defensive stops and missed a couple easy buckets that were ultimately the difference maker.” The Duhawks (9-14, 4-8) will finish their season with two away games against Central and Simpson - teams they’ve already defeated once this season. “We face an uphill battle,” said Smith. “But we certainly believe it can be done. If we don’t win, we don’t make it. It is as simple as that. I think if we just keep that in our mind and fuel our fire then the rest will take care of itself. We got to go on the road and win. That’s the biggest obstacle.” (through Saturday’s game) Player .................... G Mpg Rpg Apg Ppg Nathaniel Smith.......... 15 30.3 4.9 2.8 14.2 Mirko Grcic ................ 23 33.5 10.9 1.6 13.6 Justin VanWambeke . 23 29.2 3.2 1.6 11.7 Aaron Schueller ......... 23 32.9 3.0 1.0 11.6 Bobby Harmening ..... 23 26.6 2.7 1.9 7.3 Domonique Criss ....... 22 16.0 1.6 1.4 5.9 Justin Schneider ........ 20 18.5 3.3 0.8 4.8 Luke Barry .................. 14 11.9 1.4 0.6 3.6 Sean Bourke ................. 8 6.5 1.1 0.1 3.0 Danny Quinn ............. 23 14.7 3.2 0.7 2.9 Regan Takes.................. 7 9.1 1.3 0.6 2.4 Dylan Humpal ..............5 4.0 0.4 0.4 0.4 Jake Brock ....................4 2.5 0.3 0.0 0.0 Patrick Schmelzle .........4 2.5 0.3 0.0 0.0 Parish Mason ................3 1.3 0.0 0.0 0.0 Totals ................... 23 35.6 11.3 70.1 Opponents ........... 23 35.4 12.1 74.0 Leaders Points .......................... Nathaniel Smith (14.2) FG% ............................. Sean Bourke (.714) 3PT% .............................. Luke Barry (.417) FT% ...................Justin VanWambeke (.833) Rebounds .................... Mirko Grcic (10.9)* Assists ...................... Nathaniel Smith (2.8) Steals .................. Justin VanWambeke (1.6) Blocks ..................... Justin Schneider (0.9) Minutes .........................Mirko Grcic (33.5) (Leads conference*) Season statistics photo by MADDY COLE Nathaniel Smith dives to the basket for two of his 34 points against Luther. ‘‘ “ We face an uphill battle but we certainly believe it can be done. If we don’t win, we don’t make it. It is as simple as that.” Nathaniel Smith, senior guard ,,
