QUEENSLAND

BUSHWALKERS

CLUB Inc.

74 Kallista Rd.Rochedale South

QLD 4123Email qldbwc@yahoo.comPhone No (07) 3341 7509

www.geocities.com/qldbwc

Newsletter December 2009

Northbrook Mountaineers

Club NewsNavigation Training 1 November 2009

An introductory navigation morning was held at Daisy HillReserve on 1 Nov 09. The lessons covered included sessionson how to use a Silva compass, plotting bearings from a mapand navigating using a Silva compass.

The theory was applied using a 1½ hour navigation exercisefollowing bearings and working out distance. Seven peopleattended the training to either brush up on their compass skillsor were “first timers” in using a compass to navigate.

By the end of the morning’s training, everyone agreed that theywere a lot more confident in using a compass and felt they werea lot more comfortable navigating through the bush if they whereto go off-track on a bushwalk.

By the way, if there is any interest within the club, and with thehelp from some of the more experienced leaders, I would bewilling to develop various levels of navigation training e.g. basicand intermediate, or even introduce some ideas for orienteering.

With that thought in mind, we could run a few of these trainingdays throughout the year to allow club members to brush up ordevelop their navigation skills. And perhaps even suggest a club‘basic orienteering’ day that could bring all these skills togetherin a fun sort of way.

Please let me know your feedback, thoughts and ideas for whatyou would like to get out of navigation training. I’m more thanhappy to develop these as training plans for the club.

Stuart Mackay

From the EditorA Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year wish to all QBWmembers. May you all have a happy and safe Christmas on theroads and in the bush.

As usual this December Newsletter edition consists of 8 pagesinstead of the usual 6. I hope you enjoy the additional 2 pagesof jokes while waiting for the next Newsletter which will not beuntil February. Many thanks to those members who emailed mearticles and jokes during the year.

A reminder that there is no Club meeting in January. The nextClub meeting is on Tuesday night February 2nd 2010.

Wednesday ExploratoriesThere will be exploratory walks on each Wednesday to checkout new areas for the Club to walk in. The hope is that some ofthese walks will eventually become a weekend walk for all Clubmembers to enjoy.

These “exploratories” will be aided by the use of a GPS withinbuilt topographic map which should make exploring the bush alot easier and with less chance of becoming “geographicallyembarrassed.” The GPS is also able to track the walk so that anaccurate route will be available for future reference.

Due to the nature of an exploratory walk, there is no guaranteethat the planned destination will be reached as the walk mayturn out not to be viable. Protective clothing such as boots,gaiters, gloves, long sleeved shirt and long pants should beworn. Humungus patches of lantana or “Wait-a-While” may beencountered!

If interested contact Richard on 3345 9543 on the Monday orTuesday for details of the exploratory and meeting place. Thereare at least ten exploratory walks planned to begin with and thespecific walk for the Wednesday will be decided by factors suchas weather conditions, numbers, transport etc.

Wellington Point Social 24 January 2010

There will be a Social for the Australia Day weekend atWellington Point. Besides a BBQ there will be a short walk to anearby island at low tide.

Contact Traci at 3890 8196 for more information.

Grading of WalksThere was discussion at the November committee meetingabout the Club's current system of grading walks.

The general feeling was that there is no perfect system ofgrading walks. However the Club invites feedback frommembers about any specific concerns they have about thepresent system.

An alternate way of grading walks used by some clubs in NSWis inside the Newsletter for your perusal.

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General InformationMeeting PlaceClub meetings are on the first Tuesday of the month starting at7.30PM. There is no Club meeting in January.

Meeting are held at the Little King's Hall on the corner of Carland O'Keefe Streets, Buranda. Entry is via the gate on Carl St.

There is parking within the grounds and in Carl Street.

Tea/Coffee and cake/biscuits are provided after the meeting. Acoin donation would be appreciated.

MembershipProbationary Membership

A non-member automatically becomes a Probationary Memberon his/her first walk after signing the waiver form. There is nofee payable to become a Probationary Member.

However a Probationary Member must become an OrdinaryMember on his/her second walk by filling out a MembershipForm and paying the membership fee.

Ordinary Membership

A person may become an Ordinary Member by filling out andsigning a Membership Form, having a proposer sign the formand handing the form with the membership fee to a committeemember or walk leader.

The proposer may be a friend (who is a member of the Club) ofthe applicant, the leader of the walk that the applicant is on, theMembership Officer at a Club meeting or if the MembershipOfficer is not available, one of the committee members.

An Ordinary Member has the right to vote at an AGM or beelected to a committee position. A Probationary Member hasneither of these rights.

Members of Another Bushwalking Club

Members of another bushwalking club which is affiliated withBushwalking Queensland Inc (or an interstate Federation) andwho are covered by the same Insurance do not need to becomea member of our Club to go on our walks. However Clubmembers will have priority if there is a limit on numbers.

Club EquipmentCompasses Topo Maps GPS'sEmergency Lights First Aid Kits UHF Radios

The above are for free use by members.Contact David at 3395 1838 david_r_rae@optusnet.com.au

PLBs with inbuilt GPS

The Club has 5 PLBs with inbuilt GPS. The PLBs will be madeavailable at each Club meeting and will need to be returned atthe following Club meeting. Contact Richard on 3341 7509.

Abseil Gear (ropes, harnesses, helmets, karabiners etc)

Ordinary Members - $5.00 charge for use of the Club rope andanother $5.00 charge for use of harness and accessories .

Probationary Members and members of affiliated clubs - $10.00charge for use of the Club rope and another $10.00 charge foruse of harness and accessories.Contact Trevor at 0411 512 202

Back Pack for Hire $5.00 chargeContact Trevor at 0411 512 202

T/W Tent for Hire 2 man, 2.8kg $5.00/weekContact Dave Haliczer 0432 901 030

Bivy Bags For Sale $3.00 each or 2 for $5.00.

These bivy bags are 2 metres by 0.9 metres and are brightorange in colour. Use as a pack liner or emergency bivy bag.Contact Patricia Kolarski on 3341 7509.

Space Blankets For Sale $2.50 each.

Light weight and take up no room at all. A must for all walkers!Contact Patricia Kolarski on 3341 7509.

The Management CommitteePresident Gil Gunthorpe 3272 4366(H)

Vice President Noelene McCay 3889 0264(H)

Secretary Sue Ward 3844 6389(H)

Treasurer John Hinton 3343 3724 (H)

Outings Officer John Brunott 3209 9598 (H)

Membership Officer Frank Garland 3341 5207 (H)

Editor Richard Kolarski 3345 9543 (H)

Social Secretary Traci Nudl 3890 8196 (H)

Training Officer Stuart Mackay 3890 8196 (H)

Other Voluntary PositionsEquipment Officer John Brunott 3209 9598 (H)

Supper Convenor Mary Sherlock 3209 8514 (H)

BWQ Rep Stuart Mackay 3890 8196 (H)

BWQ Rep Richard Kolarski 3345 9543 (H)

Campsite MonitorsJohn Brunott Ballows, Paddys Knob

Kerry de Clauzel Throakban, Barney Gorge andLower Portals

Ann Kemp Spicers Peak (east & west)

Richard Kolarski Running Creek Falls

Barbara Makepeace Rat-a-tat, Spicers/Doubletop saddleRum Jungle

John Shera Panorama Point

John & Julie Shera Mt Superbus & Rabbit Fence JctLower Panorama

Ken Walters Mt May saddle & Paddy’s Plain

Editors Pic

The 49's at Girraween

A celebration was held at a base camp at Girraween on the 11to 13th September for those members born in 1949 and thuscelebrating their 60th.

Among them were Frances Murdoch, Lynn Nicol, PatriciaKolarski and Neville McCay. However you could be forgiven forthinking they were celebrating their 49th birthday!

New MembersMadalyn Parlet

As at 28/11/2009 we have 87 financial members

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QBW Christmas PartyThe QBW Christmas Party will be held at Mt Nimmel Lodge atMudgeeraba on the 4-6th December 2009.

Mt Nimmel Lodge is a privately owned, family operated camp-ground on 67 acres of Gold Coast Hinterland.

Accommodation

It has six large cabins, each with 8 bunks with mattresses andone smaller cabin with only 4 beds, 52 beds altogether. Eachcabin has lights but no power points.

Van and tent sites are also available if you prefer not to stay inthe cabins.

Bring along your own bedding plus spare clothes.

Amenities

There is a separate shower/toilet block with hot water (but bringyour own toilet paper).

There is a kitchen with sinks and hot water, refrigerator, largefreezer, stainless benches, stove and oven, servery to largeverandah and picnic tables.

Bring your own pots, cutlery, washing up detergent/pads, teatowels, cooking utensils and garbage bags.

Also bring food for the Friday night, Saturday and Sunday.

The Club will provide meat for the Saturday night BBQ butmembers are asked to bring along a plate. Please ask Traci atthe meeting or while booking to see what plates are needed.

People can arrive from Friday lunchtime onwards.

It will finish round lunch time Sunday.

ProgramFriday night Photos and videos of Club walks and

members extended trips.

Photo competition entries will also be shown

Bring along any digital photos or videos as the Club laptop andprojector will be available.

Saturday A walk is planned, maybe two if there isenough demand.

Saturday night BBQ and prizes given out.

Sunday morning Games and general cleaning.

How to Get There

UBD Reference: Gold Coast Map No.67 A6

Directions: From the M1 heading south to the Gold Coast takeexit 79. Go through Mudgeeraba and head west along the GoldCoast Springwood Rd. Turn left onto Austinville Rd. and go 2.7km and drive in the gate on your left.

Special Coming EventsHeaphy Track NZ February 2010

I'm planning to walk the Heaphy Track in NZ over 5 daysstarting from the Nelson end on 5 February next year.

If I can get at least a couple of other people to walk with I'llcharter transport to and from, which will be more convenientthan the timetabled transport. From the far end, the latterrequires an overnight "connection" at Karamea and then a waitof several hours in Westport between buses.

If interested contact Neil Douglas Ph No 3875 1090

Great Ocean Road Walk March/April of 2010

The official web site for the Great Ocean Road is http://www.greatoceanwalk.com.au/

The walk is for 7 nights at $22.00 per tent site per night

The initial plan is to fly to Melbourne and use Viclink to getpublic transport to Apollo Bay and stay the first night at ApolloBay. See www.viclink.com.au

Start the walk (7 nights)

At the end of the walk get bus, shuttle or taxi back to Apollo Bayand stay there another night. The next day use Viclink to getback to the airport.

If people want to stay longer then that is also an option. Once Ihave numbers and a date we can work our the finer points.

If interested please contact David Rae Ph No 3395 1838

Nepal, Annapurna Circuit 1 April - 3 May 2010

I am leading a trip to Nepal in April 2010 which includes 17 daystrekking, 5 days mountain biking, 2 days white water rafting, allfor approx $3658.00. Includes return air fares, budgetaccommodation, and meals while on the adventures, andequipment. Contact Julie Urquhart Ph. 3314 2776.

Hinchinbrook Island & Mt Bowen 7 - 22 August 2010I am planning walks in tropical Queensland including a walk upto Mt Bowen on Hinchinbrook Island.

The plan is to catch the ferry to Hinchinbrook island on the 9th

August and leave the island on the 15th. There will also be timefor other walks either in the Mackay or Cairns area.

If interested contact Richard Kolarski Ph No 3345 9543.

Tips for People PhotographyCommunicate with your subject as timing is important. Tell themif you are still adjusting settings or composing the picture andexactly when you are going to press the shutter, Counting helps.Take several pictures to get the best expression.

Think about composition and about organising the things yousee into a pleasing balanced arrangement. This may meanmoving around to find a different position to shoot from. Addingforeground interest makes the scene seem less remote andgives scale, we can relate to the size or vastness of the scene. Italso gives weight to the bottom of the frame, balancing theempty space at the top.

Think about a different point of view. Try to think of unusualangles or positions to shoot from. Try to convey your experienceof “being there”. Use some of the Elements of Design in yourphotography. Texture, colour, shape, balance, scale, repetition,positive negative space.

Try including the human element. True nature photography doesnot show the hand of man, but including people in the scene cangive scale and helps us to understand humanity’s relationshipwith the scene. Look for that “special light”.

You can do all of these things with a digital compact camera sostart really ‘seeing” the world around you and get creative withyour pictures. Evelyn Campbell

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Past WalksMt Bangalore 6 September 2009

Mt Bangalore, sometimes spelled Bangalora forms part of an offshoot with Mt Bell from the Main Range near Boonah. Nine of usmet up on a beautiful sunny day before driving down to CarneysCreek road and then onto a dirt road which took us to the start ofthe walk.

The walk to the top of Mt Bangalore was gradual at first along afence, but then became quite steep with the occasional largeboulder to navigate round. We each did it at our own pace andfinally after 2 hours reached the top plateau. Here we wererewarded with spectacular views of Lizard Point and the MainRange. It was an ideal spot to rest and have morning tea. Therewere flowers and the occasional orchid to be found on theplateau.

On Mt Bangalore with Lizard Point in the Background

After going to the summit proper (and a quick search for Bobwho had become separated from the group) we walked over toa cliff line on the southern end of the mountain for spectacularviews of Mt Barney, Mt Maroon and the Ballows Massif to thesouth east.

We descended to a small saddle between Mt Bell andBangalore and then had a very steep drop down a grassy slopeto a creek. There was no track and we had to bush bash part ofthe way to get into the creek. This creek entered a small shadygorge where we rested to have lunch.

Following the creek a bit further on, we left it to contour round todescend via the same ridge we had gone up. Afternoon tea atBoonah helped us to unwind after such a spectacular walk.

Many thanks to Dave Haliczer for putting on this interesting walkwith magnificent views. Richard

Lake Manchester 12 September 2009

When this walk was originally planned, I thought Septemberwould be a great month – not too hot and not too cold for a walkin a semi open forest following a 17km circuit around LakeManchester. Not so. On the day we walked, it was one of thehottest September days in years!

Lake Manchester

We were fortunate to make our start early and decided to followthe track up to an old loggers hut near the upper reaches of theLake. Lake Manchester sits in the south western corner of theBrisbane Forrest Park. A relatively new walk for the club, thearea was familiar to some who ventured with me on the pre-walkouting earlier this year.

The walk takes in the route around the newly completedheightened dam wall and takes in some beautiful scenery as wecontour around the lake. At times we were just meters from thelake, making the walk quite a unique experience since not tomany walks can boast a continuous circuit that follows the lakeshores.

The old logging hut was a logical stop for morning tea and apartfrom one other person on a mountain bike we had the entireplace to ourselves. The return journey took us up over a ridgeline from where we could see Cunningham’s gap and the mainRange off to the South and some great views back across thelake.

We completed the walk by lunch time and had lunch back at thepark followed by the obligatory coffee stop back along thehighway towards Brisbane. It was an enjoyable walk and one Ihope to put on the calendar again. Stuart

Mt Greville 13 September 2009

Just as well I did an exploratory the week before to familiarisemyself with the route up Mt Greville, because only then do youget to observe the wildlife. There were flocks of honeyeatersflittering amongst the blossoms and a small dusky rock wallabysquatted, calmly observing us passing by, just 3 meters away.

Just as well, because on the club trip we were too busynattering about the advantages of the high Aussie dollar forordering cheaper equipment direct from the US… and otherweighty matters. Five was a good number for conversation.

Mt Greville

To beat the heat I planned to be heading up Waterfall Gorge by8.00am. I need not have worried. It was at least 5 degreescooler in the gloom of the ravine, and when we emerged a lightbreeze stayed with us to the top, taking the edge off the heat.We watched the boats skimming the surface of Lake Moogerahfrom the lookout on east face while we munched morning tea.

Following the steep uneven track, we skirted round the rock faceto the left bringing us to the main path to the summit. Smalldelicate pink orchids clung to the rocks along the way; smallnative iris nestled beneath the grass trees and banksias.

At the top we had more morning tea (it was too early for lunch!).Took a group photo for Richard and observed a mass of nativebees swarming the branch above the cairn. Heading down wedropped off into palm gorge. More rock orchids—bigger this timewith large spays of cream flowers.

We arrived back at the cars some time close to 1.00pm. Yes abit early but that means there will be plenty of time for coffeeand cake at Aratula, and for doing the washing when I get home.Despite having done the climb many times before – the craggyviews and picturesque ravines of Mt Greville are still delightful -and good company makes it perfect. Thank those who cameand made it such a pleasurable day. Sue Ward

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Northbrook Mtn and Eagles Nest 20 September 2009

A group of 11 walkers met at Maiala on a fine sunny day beforecar pooling the short distance to the start of the walk at LawtonRoad.

An easy walk downhill brought us to the foot of NorthbrookMountain, then up we went. The off-track ascent was steep andslippery due to the dry conditions.

After approximately an hour we reached a rocky outcrop for awelcome morning tea break and some great views.

Walking along the rocky ridge to the top of Northbrook Mountainwe admired native orchids in flower, hoya vine, ferns and grasstrees with very tall spikes.

Descending we rejoined the forest road and then followed a sidetrack to Eagles Nest. An ideal spot for lunch with good views ofNorthbrook Gorge.

The return journey back to the cars required more effort as itwas all uphill and the temperature had increased to above 30degrees.

Our stop for coffee at Olleys Cafe was very relaxing in therainforest and a great way to finish off the day.

Thanks to all who came along. Noelene

Kobble Creek 3 October 2009

Kobble Creek is one of several creeks in Brisbane Forest Park.Patricia and I had done some exploratory walks in the arearecently and put this walk on to show some of the rugged beautyat Brisbane's doorstep.

Eleven of us met up at Maiala and then drove to TennisonWoods where we parked the cars.

We began the walk along the Lepidozamia Track and afterabout two kilometres took a side road to the right. Part waydown the side road we took another diversion down an ancientlogging road which headed down towards Kobble Creek.However we veered off this too after a short while to enter atributary of Kobble Creek.

Kobble Creek

Initially the creek bed was dry but as we progressed small rockpools appeared and then a small trickle of water. We made ourway down over the loose rock in the creek bed till we came to afairly high waterfall where the creek entered a small gorge. Herewe stopped for a breather before ascending the ridge to the leftand then following it down to Kobble Creek proper.

There was a lot more water in the creek now and we followed itdown to another large waterfall. After admiring the view weretraced our steps back to a large waterhole. Here we had toscramble round to continue. Anna managed quite well thoughshe had never done any walking this rugged before.

As we continued upstream there were several waterfalls whichwe had to scramble up. Fortunately the rocky slabs were dryand everyone managed to pull themselves up without incident.

We stopped and had lunch at a rock pool just below a waterfall.Dave R. had a swim in a lower rock pool but the others were justcontent to sit and relax.

After negotiating round a small cliffline and up through somevine jungle we reached the top of the waterfall. We took anothertributary but this time to the south to exit the valley on the otherside.

At yet another tributary there was a faint walking track thatPatricia and I had found a few weeks earlier. This led us to alogging road which then took us up to the ridge and along amain track back to the cars.

Afternoon tea at Olleys rounded off the day well. Many thanks toall who came along. Richard

Mt Maroon via Cave 4 October 2009

Firstly I would like to thanks all those that came on the walk.This walk has no boundaries there are several ways up to thecave and from the cave it is case of finding the best way alongthe cliff face and up onto Mt Maroon.

We all meet at Rathdowney and from here we drove to the Mtmaroon car park and commenced the walk around 8.00am. Wefirst went up to the cave where we had morning tea with someexcellent views. Getting up to the cave was slightly different alittle more strenuous then the way that is believed to be thenormal way up to the cave but we all reached the cave and hada well earned rest.

On Mt Maroon

From the cave we traversed along just below the cliff face. Theway had been cleared through the control burn off but it alsomade the walking a little precarious in place where there wereloose rocks. We eventually reach the ridge to the top of MtMaroon and we eventually reached the top around 12 noonwhere we rested for lunch.

After lunch we traversed along till we reached the gorge and thetrack back down from Mt Maroon. We negotiated our way backdown the track with several stops for photos. We sighted agoanna and several rock wallabies along the walk which made ita little more interesting. We eventually reached the cars around2.00pm were we scrubbed up and went to the “Shed” for coffeeand hot chocolate.

A good walk had by all – Richard, Ken, Bob, Muriel, Maggie,Wanda and Gil.

The Pilbara July 2009

Here is a write-up of a private trip I did to the Pilbara region ofWA commencing 2 July 2009 :

On 2 July this year I flew to Karratha on the west coast of WA tobush camp with 2 friends on a visit to Karijini and MillstreamNational Parks in the nearby Pilbara. (Bob and Danuta Gur,previously long time QBW members also now reside inKarratha.)

As it cost me $200 for a motel unit for ONE night ( breakfastNOT included ) they could make much money offering over-night stays for travellers !!

Hired a 4WD wagon (gas-guzzler ), drove to a iron oreexploration camp to collect friends and loads offood/cooking/ice-box/ice/tents/etc gear.

Next day we drove to Karijini and set up a bush camp nearby.

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Gorgeous Karijini

On the morn we walked two superbly colourful gorges (Weanoand Hancock) with very cold clear water running through. Thegorge walls are layered formations of sedimentary iron/silicarock with orange/red/black colours. It is necessary to walk in thewater -can be hazardous due to slime on the rock. I fell twiceand got dunked but dried off quickly in the heat. No injuries.

We made it to Handrail Pool, a popular spot to swim - even iffully clothed.

Handrail Pool

On the following day two more gorges were visited - Fortescueand another one (name escapes me). Both spectacular placesindeed to traverse.

I have to say that Karijini National Park is one of the mostbeautiful places I have ever visited.

Next stop was at a little known (perhaps even secret) palmgrove beside a small spring-fed creek flowing into the mightyFortescue River. A delightful spot we had all to ourselves.

The following day we walked to Gregory Gorge on the FortescueRiver in the Millstream national park. It was a hot day indeedwith lots of dodging spinifex clumps set among very rockyironstone ground.

We crossed the Fortescue river on a rock bar - having a coolingswim fully clothed in a small pool to relieve the heat, then on toGregory Gorge for yet another swim in very cold running wateragain.

The return trip was more direct - but the whole day trip took7.5hr in hard dry rocky spinifex country...and 4 litres of drinkingwater too.

We returned to Karratha following day, camping at Dampierovernight to the continuous sounds of conveyors loading shipswith sea salt from the evaporation ponds.

Crossing the Fortescue

Before the flight back a quick visit was made to the BurrupPeninsula to Hearsons Bay at Karratha, a shelly beach frontinga very cool clear sea - a popular swim location (no crocs?). TheBurrup is covered in amazing natural mounds of huge brown-redboulders that seem to ask you "how on earth did these gethere?"

I would have liked more time to explore this wonderfulpeninsula.

The weather was fine but quite warm for the whole week. Mostnights I slept in the sleeping-bag silk liner only. John Hinton

Grading of WalksGrading of walks is always a contentious issue.

Our Club uses Length of Walk, the Terrain walked and Fitnessneeded as measures of a walk but even this leaves outimportant factors such as height gain and navigationalexperience necessary.

A grading system used in NSW tries to address this problem bybreaking the walk into two main components, the level of fitnessand the level of skill needed.

The level of fitness is determined by the length of the walk, theamount of climbing and the quality of the track.

The level of skill is determined by the difficulty of navigation,route finding, scrambling and water finding.

Fitness Grades

Distances are given in kilometres but beside including the actualdistance covered, extra kilometres are added depending onheight gain or for difficult terrain. A climb of 100-150m isequivalent to about an extra kilometre. Difficult terrain such asscrub bashing or creek walking will also increase the kilometreequivalent.

Easy - less than 10km a day, with full pack on flat track.Easy-Medium - 10-15km a dayMedium - 15-20km a dayMedium-Hard - 20-25km a dayHard - more than 25km a day

Skill Grades

Skill grades are harder to define, as a number of different skillsmay be required for a given walk. Note that even easy walksassume that you know how to read a map and use a compass.

Examples of skill grades:

Easy - walking mainly on well signposted tracks.Medium - some sections of easy off track navigation, or trackhard to find. Some easy rock scrambling required.Hard - significant sections off track, with navigation hard.Exposed rock scrambling required, and route finding is difficultat times.

Even higher skill grades may be required for some remotewilderness walks.

The above is given for discussion by members about whetherour present grading system is suitable.

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JokesRemember...Once you get over the hill, you'll begin to pick up speed.

I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put some in thefood.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some, though, just don'thave any film.

I always know ..... God won't give me more than I can handle.There are times I just wish He didn't trust me quite so much.

Dogs Have Owners ~ Cats Have Staff.

If the shoe fits ... buy a pair in every colour.

Never be too open-minded, your brains may fall out.

Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian. Not anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Bills travel through the mail...at twice the speed of cheques.

If you look like your passport picture .... you probably need thetrip.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

A balanced diet is a chocolate cake in each hand.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness ofthe waist change places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away threeweeks before you need it.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise amistake when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You don't live long enough tomake them all yourself.

Occupational HazardsA professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for ablack cat which isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin)

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn'tknow you had in a way you don't understand.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane,because that decreases the chances that there will be anotherbomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter)

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document andcalls it a "brief." (Franz Kafka)

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun isshining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (MarkTwain)

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why thethings he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonetsall the wounded.

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everythingand the value of nothing.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacksthe personality to be an accountant.

A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference betweena coffee cup and a doughnut.

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when abeautiful girl enters the room.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think sheliked children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist andtells you the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such away that you will look forward to the trip.

Pilot to MaintenancePilot: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.Maintenance: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.Maintenance: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilot: Something loose in cockpit.Maintenance: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.Maintenance: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet perminute descent.Maintenance: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.Maintenance: Evidence removed.

Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.Maintenance: DME volume set to more believable level.

Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.Maintenance: That's what friction locks are for.

Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.Maintenance: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.Maintenance: Suspect you're right.

Pilot: Number 3 engine missing.Maintenance: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.Maintenance: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and beserious.

Pilot: Target radar hums.Maintenance: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilot: Mouse in cockpit.Maintenance: Cat installed.

Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like amidget pounding on something with a hammer.Maintenance: Took hammer away from midget.

Pilot: Golden Rough lost in cockpit.Maintenance: Golden Rough found and eaten.

Pilot: Cockpit not fit for pigs.......Maintenance: Cockpit now fit for pigs.

Pilot: Captain's seat too high, cannot adjust. Maintenance: Suggest captain remove wallet from back pocketbefore sitting down.

Fun tongue twistersA skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but thestump thunk the skunk stunk.

The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick.

Sam's shop stocks short spotted socks.

Which witch wished which wicked wish?

Swan swam over the sea, swim, swan, swim. Swan swam backagain. Well swum, swan.

One smart fellow, he felt smart. Two smart fellows, they feltsmart. Three smart fellows, they all felt smart. (Say this one veryfast – children love it).

There was a young fisher named Fischer who fished for a fish ina fissure. The fish with a grin, pulled the fisherman in. Nowthey're fishing the fissure for Fischer.

Tell No LiesA minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preachabout the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, Iwant you all to read Mark 17.”

The following Sunday as he prepared to deliver his sermon, heasked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many hadread Mark 17. Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only sixteen chapters. Iwill now proceed with my sermon on lying.”

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Rural Australian Computer Terminology

LOG ON Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.

LOG OFF Not adding any more wood to the barbie.

MONITOR Keeping an eye on the barbie.

DOWNLOAD Getting the firewood off the Ute.

HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without anycold tinnies.

KEYBOARD Where you hang the Ute keys.

WINDOW What you shut when the weather's cold.

SCREEN What you shut in the mozzie season.

BYTE What mozzies do.

MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.

CHIP A bar snack.

MICROCHIP What's left in the bag after you've eatenthe chips.

MODEM What you did to the lawns.

LAPTOP Where the cat sleeps.

SOFTWARE Plastic knives & forks you get at RedRooster.

HARDWARE Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.

MOUSE The small rodent that eats the grain in theshed.

MAINFRAME What holds the shed up.

WEB What spiders make.

WEBSITE Usually in the shed or under theverandah.

SEARCH ENGINE What you do when the Ute won't go.

CURSOR What you say when the Ute won't go

YAHOO What you say when the Ute does go.

UPGRADE A steep hill.

SERVER The person at the pub who brings out thecounter lunch.

MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out thecounter lunch.

USER The neighbour who keeps borrowingthings.

NETWORK What you do when you need to repair thefishing net.

INTERNET Where you want the fish to go.

NETSCAPE What the fish do when they discover thehole in the net.

ONLINE Where you hang the washing.

OFFLINE Where the washing ends up when thepegs aren't strong enough.

The Importance of WalkingWalking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at$7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people whoannoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hearheavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures outwhat I'm doing.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven'tlost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth outwith chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die,they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a smallcountry.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years, just getting overthe hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot moreinformation in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find aHappy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

Latest News HeadlinesThese are actual headline from newspapers.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

A Collection of Collective Nouns for PeopleA Cast of Actors A Team of Athletes

A Bevy of Beauties A Board of Directors

A Panel of Experts A Gang of Hoodlums

A Thicket of Idiots A Bench of Judges

A Huddle of Lawyers A Colony of Lepers

A Band of Men A Tribe of Natives

A Hangout of Nudists A Crowd of Onlookers

A Troupe of Performers A Crew of Sailors

A Squad of Soldiers A Class of Students

A Den of Thieves A Flock of Tourists

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