TAHNEE DVDROBBINS MADANES FILM

10/1/04TR Tony RobbinsCM Cloe MadanesT TahneeMN Male Narrator

Tahnee

CM Our emotions are the driving force that determines the quality of our lives. Everyone is capable of experiencing the whole range of human emotions, yet many people allow themselves to experience only a narrow range. One person may go from feeling sad to angry to sad again, while another may go from feeling love to joy, and someone else may regularly experience fear, anxiety, and pain. It is characteristic of western culture to believe that our emotions are outside of our control. Most people believe that the depressed person is simply depressed, does nothing to deliberately bring on that state, and therefore cannot do anything to change it. Similarly, the happy person simply has a happy disposition and is also not responsible for bringing on that state.

We seem to believe that our emotions are determined by a mysterious predisposition. The truth is emotions do not come to us. We go to them. If you regularly experience anger, sadness, guilt, or fear, instead of joy, gratitude, compassion, and excitement, this is because these emotions meet certain needs within you. Fortunately it is possible to make a conscious choice about your emotions. In this film Anthony Robbins will demonstrate how to understand your emotional patterns, the needs they meet within you, and how to make a conscious choice about the emotions you want to experience.

We begin our story with Anthon Robbins speaking at a conference before 3,000 people. In order to show how quickly people can change their emotions, he asks for a show of hands from those who are experiencing depression. Tahnee is an attractive intelligent young woman who uses depression to get sympathy and love. However, she gets caught up in the idea of being depressed and ends up feeling unhappy and alienating those around her.

Using human needs psychology, Robbins will illusidate how Tahnee’s emotional patterns function to bring on suffering. By clarifying these core emotional patterns, Tahnee is able to find the self-awareness necessary to avoid using depression and instead to make bold new decisions.

Robbins will first demonstrate the principal of the triad.

CAPTION: Principle of the TriadAll behaviors, including emotions, consist of three parts working together.

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Transcribed by: EMB

GRAPHICS: At the top of the page is Principle of the Triad and below is a large triangle. The top of the triangle are the words Physiology and Posture. To the right bottom angle of the triangle are the words Mental Focus and to the left bottom angle of the triangle is the word Language.

CM All behaviors, including emotions, consist of three parts working together: patterns of physiology and posture, patterns of mental focus, and language patterns. In order to be depressed, a person must assume a certain posture, focus on certain specific things, and use certain specific language patterns that lead to depression. Robbins will ask Tahnee to deliberately put herself into a state of depression so that the audience can see what patterns of physiology, focus, and language are necessary for her to feel depressed.

TR Okay, where’s the lady right here who just raised her hand? I just saw you. Yes, ma’am. Would you stand up for a moment? [Applause] What’s your name? I’m sorry. Tahnee—could we get a microphone for Tahnee. Now Tahnee, now you don’t look very depressed right now. Are you really depressed right now?

T Yes.

TR You are. I see. How depressed are you on a zero to ten scale? Ten is totally depressed, want to kill yourself, zero is not depressed at all.

T About an eight.

TR About an eight. Interesting.

T About an eight.

TR And um, you’re feeling that right now?

T Actually I’m doing pretty good since I’ve been here.

TR Yeah, you’re doing better right now. How many saw she was not depressed just now? Let met see a show of hands if you saw it. [Applause] Okay, but you could get there if you, if you wanted to, right?

T Yeah.

TR Right now you’re not actually depressed. What are you feeling right now?

T Hopeful.

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Transcribed by: EMB

TR Hopeful. By the way, how many saw that in her body? [Applause] Right?

CM When talking to Robbins, Tahnee is momentarily hopeful. Robbins points out that when Tahnee feels emotional states, these states are linked to physiological patterns in her body.

TR Now I want you to notice—I want you to notice Tahnee’s physiology right now when she’s hopeful. If you notice, she’s got one arm here, but the other one is loose. And she’s smiling, and if you notice, her head—her shoulders are back a little bit—not all the way, but a little bit—and her head is kind bouncing like this. That’s called hopeful for her. You can see now it’s even more than hopeful right now. There’s a different feeling she just had as I point this out. Okay? Now, that’s not depressed. And she smiled. How many of you felt when she took the microphone she was not depressed? Let me see a show of hands. Now how come 3,000 people all knew that? Because you’re all natural psychologists, and you know that is not depression.

Now you can fake somewhat, but if you’re totally depressed, you couldn’t have smiled as big as she did, and she would have been not in the same position. Now what I’d like you to do for me is I’d like you to get depressed because you were depressed earlier tonight I assume, or earlier today. Is that right?

T Mm hmm.

TR Okay, can you get depressed for me?

T It’s pretty easy.

TR Okay, show me how to do it because I’m not very successful at this. Really get depressed right now. I mean it for, for real. Get really depressed. Do what you do with your body when you’re really depressed. There you go.

And now I want you to double the depression—whatever you got to do. Do what you do with your body when you’re twice as depressed. Focus on what you focus on when you’re twice as depressed. Say to yourself what you say—there you go—when you’re really depressed. Say it in the tone of voice you use when you’re really depressed. How depressed are you right now, zero to ten? Stay in that state, and just tell me how depressed, zero to ten?

T Pretty depressed.

TR Where are you? Ten is want to kill yourself. Zero is not depressed at all. Where are you?

T About a nine.

TR About an eight?

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T A nine.

TR Nine. Okay, now stay there in that state so we can learn something. How many saw her change her physiology radically to go in depression? Raise your hand. What did she specifically do to go from hopeful to depressed? By the way, how fast did she go from hopeful to depressed? How fast? In a heartbeat. What’d she change? Someone tell me. Posture—what part? What happened? Where did her head go? Head’s down. What else changed? Stay in that—oh, stay depressed. You’re going to screw this up. Stay depressed. I don’t want you getting happy on me. [Laughter] Don't you get happy on me. You stay depressed, damn it.

CM Robbins has demonstrated how quickly Tahnee can take herself from hopeful to depressed, and then to laughter. He pretends to be angry and disappointed that she cannot maintain her depression, and he will use strong language to emphasize this pretend.

TR Don’t you start smiling and s—t. That’ll f—k the whole thing up. [Laughter] Laughing is the worst thing you can do to be—you stop laughing, bitch. [Laughter] Don't you smile. Go back to depression. Come on. Give me a little help here. That’s it. That’s it. Good. Get that hand back up. Good. That’s good. That helps. How many noticed that hands are really important to the depression thing? So she dropped her head. What happened to her breathing? Full or shallow? Started to get shallow. Heads down. What happened to her shoulders? Down. Go—stay there. Stay there. Down, right? So shallow breathing, head down—what else did you notice? Come on, what else did you notice? She started squeezing her hand on that microphone tight. Did you notice that? Tension—tapping the microphone—that tension. What else did she do to get into that state? What’d she finally do? That’s right. She kind leaned down, crouched down, and brought her hand up to her head.

CM Now that Robbins has pointed out the physiological pattern in Tahnee’s depression, he will ask her what she focuses on in order to feel depressed.

TR Now that’s just the physical side. Now as you stay in this state, tell me what are you focusing on to be depressed at level nine?

T My lack of happiness.

TR Your lack of happiness.

T Mm, hmm.

TR And when you say you’re focused on your lack of happiness, what do you picture it? What do you think about?

T My not being able to stop crying a lot lately.

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Transcribed by: EMB

TR Not being able to stop crying. And what do you think about that makes you remember that you’re not able to stop crying? Could you get to crying for us? Could you get that depressed? Oh, come on. You could do it. If you’re able to get to the place of not being able to stop, let’s go there. That’s a much better example.

T Not, uh, not being able to put my past behind me.

TR Not be able to put your pat behind you. What do you focus on in your past in order to be depressed? Just say it.

T My ah, my lack of trust in people.

TR Your lack of trust in people, or in men?

T Men.

TR Bet you’re glad you volunteered for this, aren’t you? [Laughter] By the way, I’m a man. [Laughter]

CM Tahnee put herself again in a depressed state through her physical posture, her breathing, and her thought process. Robbins will now humorously provoke her into another emotional state to continue to show how easy it is to go from one emotional state to another.

TR What does that microphone remind you of? [Laughter] You’re not looking too depressed now. [Laughter] What are you feeling? [Laughter] That’s a new state. What are you feeling right now?

T I feel a little pissed.

TR Yeah, that’s what I thought. [Laughter] By the way, pissed is much better than depressed. Notice what happens when you get pissed. What’d she do? She brought her head back up and her shoulders back up. She’s still tense, but she’s like, “Don't f—k with me.” [Laughter] Which is a lot different than, “I’m helpless and I might not be able to put my past behind me.” So pissed might be a more useful state. It’s certainly not the end all and be all, but she can get out of depression and go pissed real quickly. In fact, I bet you’ve done this plenty of times. When she gets tired of being sad she gets pissed. Am I right?

T Yeah.

TR I call this a crazy-eight. She gets really depressed inside and feels helpless. Then she gets tired of feeling that feeling. I’ll explain why later. And then she gets pissed, which makes her feel strong for short time. And then she’s tired of being pissed, so she goes back to connecting with herself and feeling sad again. Then she gets tired of that and she gets pissed. True or false? So this is a very simple pattern, and it’s not unique. And she’s good at it because she’s practiced it for years. True?

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T I’m a master.

TR Yes, I can see that. And she’s proud of it. I’m a f—king master.

CM For Tahnee, depression is way for her to connect and commiserate with herself.

GRAPHICS: At the top of the screen are the words The Crazy Eight.Below the heading The Crazy Eight is an eight turned on it’s side with the words Depression & Connection located at the top left side of the sideways eight and the words Anger & Significant located at the top right side of the sideways eight.

CM However, when this depression begins to make her feel too weak, she snaps out of it with anger. This emotional pattern of alternating between sadness and anger is called a crazy-eight. Many people live most of their lives alternating between these two emotions.

TR Especially when some guy gives me s—t. Oh, yes. I see. Let’s go back to depressed, though, because it’s so much more fun. Go back to depressed—depressed. Notice she knows exactly where to go. Does she know what to do to get depressed, yes or no? She would have you believe it happens to her, when all I do is tell her to do it and she goes, “Okay, I know exactly.” Go ahead, get depressed. Get back to nine level of depression again. Don't go to ten.

T Thanks.

TR You nod your head when you’re back to nine. Focus on what you focus on.

T Is this the Freudian thing?

TR What’s that?

T Is this the Freudian thing?

TR I don't know. [Laughter] you tell me. All I know is you keep twisting that thing real tight. [Laughter] You’re rubbing it off now? Is that what you’re doing here? [Laughter] Okay, get back to that depression thing. Come on, get back to that depression thing—to level eight. Nod when you’re there. Okay?

Tell me what you’re focusing on right now to be depressed at level eight. What are you picturing? What are you, what are you focusing on? What are you remembering specifically to be depressed at level eight or nine?

T I don't know.

TR Pardon me.

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T I don’t know.

TR You’re not there? What are you focused on, the men you can't trust from your past? Now by the way, keep staying in that state. How many noticed the pattern that’s different with her head when she’s hopeful than when she’s depressed, a very simple pattern? Raise your hand if you’ve seen it. What does she do with her head continuously when she’s depressed and frustrated? When she was hopeful, what was she doing with her head? How many saw that pattern? That’s universal, by the way. What do you say to yourself to be depressed like this? Just say out loud what you’re saying your head when you’re really depressed.

CM When people experience emotions, they are actually saying things to themselves silently. Although not spoken out loud, these language patterns have a powerful influence on our emotions. While asking her to intensify her depression, Robbins asks Tahnee to say out loud what she’s thinking.

T I am so pathetic.

TR I am so pathetic. Say it in the tone of voice you say it when you stay depressed though.

T I’m so f—king pathetic.

TR You’re so f—king pathetic. So f—k is a word you know how to use.

T Oh yeah.

TR Yes. Good. What else do you say besides you’re so f—king pathetic? To really be depressed, what do you got to say to yourself—really depressed, nine? Say it in the tone of voice you say it when you’re that depressed.

T And I don’t want to live my life this way.

TR What else do you say? You’re so pathetic. I don't want to live my life this way. Is there a tone of voice here, ladies and gentlemen? Yes or no? Loud or quiet? Up tone, or down? Cry in the voice or not? What else do you say to stay depressed at level nine? Do you ever get depressed at ten, like where you want to kill yourself? No?

T No.

TR S—t. I thought we had a good suicide we could deal with here.

T Sorry to disappoint you.

TR What the f—k are you doing smiling again? [Laughter] What are you feeling right now?

T I want to kick your ass. [Laughter]

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Transcribed by: EMB

TR Come on baby. Notice, how fast can we take her from depression? How fast can we take her out of depression? How fast? Two seconds. If you f—k with her depression, she’s pissed off at you. [Laughter] I’m sitting here being depressed, and you take me out of it. You bastard. I’ll take you out. I’ll come out of my depression when I’m ready. [Laughter] Everybody repeat after me. Mmm, something to think about.

CM Tahnee resents it when Robbins interferes with her depression because she has been using depression to satisfy an emotional need. Now that she sees the way that she uses depression, she can think of new ways to snap out of it other than anger.

TR So we now know what she does when she’s pissed and we know what she does when she’s depressed, and she seems to snap back. Let’s go back to hopeful for a second. [Laughter]

T You got me.

TR You’re, you’re good. [Laughter] You’re good.

T This is why you get paid the big bucks.

TR That’s right, honey. [Laughter] Now notice, how many, how many recognize the physiology of hopeful when she went there? Raise your hand if you recognized it. What did she do? She started doing what? Nodding her head, shoulders came back, head came up. What else did she do? Started to smile. So can she go from depressed to hopeful instead of depressed to pissed if she choose to? Okay, let’s get that.

These are wimpy ass states. Have you ever had a state of pure ecstasy?

T Oh, yeah.

TR Or is that what you’re pissed about? [Laughter]

T No. That’s not my problem.

TR That’s not a problem. Look at this big smile. That’s not a problem. [Laughter] Good. What are you feeling now? No, don't change. What were you feeling when you were smiling like that? There you go. What are you feeling right there?

T Excited.

TR Excited. That’s nice. I’d like you to think of a specific peak experience. I want you to experience a peak of ecstasy. I’m talking screaming ecstasy. Can you think of—[Laughter] Can you remember a particular moment?

T Oh, yeah.

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TR I’d like you to go right before the peak of that moment. I want you to remember right near the peak of that experience sincerely. Can you actually put yourself there and remember it? And as you do that, I want you to step into that image as if you were really there, and breathe the way you were breathing right near the peak. [Laughter] Okay? Right?

[Music: Love to love you, baby]

T I might get thrown in jail. [Laughter]

TR And as you’re doing that, I want you to focus on what you were focusing on right near the peak. And uh, breathe the way you were breathing. See what you were seeing. Hear what you were hearing. Were you making sounds at this point? Were you seriously.

T Probably.

TR Okay, make that sound. Make that sound now. [Laughter] Come on, give her a hand, ladies and gentlemen. [Applause] Don't put the microphone down. Give yourself the gift. My point is really simple. Instead of getting the point intellectually, get in the point in your cause intellectually, you go, “Yeah, yeah, I know this.” Do it in your body. Actually put yourself there and feel it sincerely, and make the sound. It can be playful. I don’t think there’s anybody here who hasn’t made any sounds. Make some noises of your own, ladies and gentlemen. Help her out. [Audience makes noise] Okay, see what you saw. Breathe the way you were breathing near the peak. Move the way you were moving. [Laughter] In your body, feel like you’re moving that way. Now make the sounds at the peak that you were making, some of the sounds on the count of three. But really sincerely do it with your voice the way it really would be. One, two, three—go. [Laughter] That’s how loud you were, huh? Make the sounds. Go for it.

T I’m modest.

TR Oh, you weren’t making any sounds?

T No, I was making sounds.

Were you really spiritual, like, “Oh, God. Oh God,” or were you more like, “Do me. More.” There we go. [Applause] So it was the “do me more” kind of thing. [Laughter] Now notice the head is moving faster now. What are you feeling right now? Stay in that state. What are you feeling right now?

T [laughs]

TR She’s feeling so much she can’t talk. [Laughter] Now go back to depression.

T This is better.

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Transcribed by: EMB

TR No. Go back to depression. Come on. You’ve been there for years. Go to depression. Come on. You can't put your past behind you. Keep your past right there in front of you so you can stare at it. Maybe you don't want to put your past behind you. Maybe this past you want to put right in front of you. Because if you can't put your past behind you, in this case I think that’s a very good thing because if this was constantly in front of you imagine the smile that would be on your face all day.

TR Right

T Maybe you’ve been selective about which past to put in front of you or behind you.

T Yeah. I know that’s true.

TR Now, does she have the ability to go from depressed to pissed to hopeful or to ecstatic in a matter of seconds, yes or no? [Yes] Does she have the ability, yes or no? [Yes.] Has she proven to you that she can do ‘em quickly and immediately, yes or no? [Yes.] Then why in the past has she gone to depression when she has all these other choices? Shhhh. Because she’s been rewarded for it.

T Yeah, that’s for sure.

TR Is that fair to say?

T Mm hmm.

TR That’s why she didn’t like me very much when I was showing that it’s all a game that she’s been playing for years. Now she doesn't just do it consciously. I know you’re not a manipulating bitch who’s just doing this to get something. You may have moments in which you act that way, but I know that’s not who you are. I mean that sincerely. But most of the time you’re not even doing it consciously. True?

T That’s true.

TR There are times when you’re doing it consciously. True?

T That’s also true.

TR I appreciate your honesty first of all. Would you give her a big hand for that honesty? That’s fantastic. [Applause] That’s absolutely fantastic. I mean it. Thank you. Thank you. So I, I really honor you. First of all, I appreciate your courage to even stand up. I appreciate you playing with me because it’s not a comfortable thing. Um, but I appreciate most and honor most your honesty because with that honesty you can change anything. Most people can never get to that level of honesty, so they have no power. And the reason they’re most dishonest is with themselves because it doesn't feel good to say, “Yeah, I’ve used this s—t at times.” But you know you have and you’re honest about it. That means you can change it.

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Transcribed by: EMB

CM Now Tahnee understands her crazy-eight pattern of being depressed in the hope that she would be loved and taken care of, and then being angry because of the feeling of helplessness brought on by depression. This pattern was an unhappy way of meeting her need for love and connection. Understanding this, she is ready to make a conscious choice.

TR But you got to set up a new rewarded system for yourself. The other thing is you’ve gotten in the habit of doing it, that sometimes you just do it unconsciously now because you’ve gotten in what I call this crazy-eight, this loop. And you like the pissed part because it makes you feel powerful, because you feel really non-powerful in the other state, which you also like because you live in a world where women are no longer honored for their feminine. They’re all supposed to be men now. So your one way to get feminine is to get broken. And feminine isn’t about broken. Feminine is about feeling. But it’s not okay for you to feel. So you go there and you got enough reason to be depressed and you can feel that, and maybe actually have some people step up and take care of you and honor you, a masculine energy instead of you always being in control. But you also—you’re addicted to that control. And you call pissed off as your way of mobilizing.

Now you mobilize that pissed off, and it’s a useful skill. I know how to do it too. But it’s not very feminine. And that doesn't mean you have to be feminine every minute. I’m no—any woman in this room can kick any man’s ass at just about anything business-wise at this stage, as any man can do with any woman. There’s, there’s no, there’s no gender bias anymore. And a woman can do anything with a man can do, and do things a man can't do. Like she can have a kid without a man today. And a woman can make any man come, but a man can't make a woman come if she really doesn't want to. So she’s got a different kind of power, so there’s different elements here, oh yeah see. Something to think about, huh? [Laughter]

But if you don't come, then who you’ve really cheated is yourself. [Laughter]

T I know that one.

TR So I want you to notice how you’re feeling right now. I just saw a really beautiful smile, and it wasn’t a forced smile of hopefulness, and it wasn’t a smile of you just did something cool. What was that smile that I just saw? Do you remember a moment—just a second ago?

T Comfort.

TR Comfort. It was very natural. How did that feel?

T Yeah, it feels good.

TR How would you compare that feeling to depression?

T There’s no comparison.File: Tripack – Robbins Madanes Film (10/1/04 )

Page 11 of 21Transcribed by: EMB

TR Hmm, how would you compare it to pissed?

T [Sounds like: It doesn't measure.]

TR What you just saw in her if you saw her, was—how many saw that relaxation, smile? How many saw that? I’m just curious? What happened is she went home for a few moments when I described what her real nature is like. You’re a very feminine woman, but you have trained yourself to kick ass. And out of all the pain you’ve had, you’ve gotten really tough. And the tougher you’ve got, the more you’ve lost your soul—not your soul. That’s not fair to say—the feeling of being connected to your soul because you’ve covered it all up. That’s really what’s depressed you. But you’ve got addicted to the feeling of getting tough, and then feeling sad because the sad is the one time you allow yourself to be feminine because in the feminine you don't have to control. You just allow it to be. And if you allow it to belong, and it’s going to change anyway if you do nothing. Men think they got to control it and make it happen and do all those things. A woman doesn't have to do that if she’s in her natural feminine state.

And I’m saying this because you’re the only person in this room I’m talking to right now. There are no other men and woman that this relates to in this room of 3,000 people. [Laughter] But if they were listening to me right now, they might discover that the greatest happiness in life comes when you get back to your true nature. Your depression has nothing to do with your past. Your depression has to do with the fact that you don't know how you can ever have a great relationship and still be yourself and not be hurt. Am I right or wrong about that?

T Yeah.

TR And the good news is that you can, but you can't do it in that pissed state that you’ve used to protect yourself. Now I found it fun because you’re like a guy. You’re going to challenge me back and forth. And it can be playful, and it can even be sexy or fun. Just all, you can play with the energy back and forth for a while. But when you live there because you’re fearful that you’re not enough and you won't be loved, or if I really love and open up someone will just hurt me because they always have, then that protection will cause you to attract the very kind of man you don't want which is a man who wants to take advantage of you, and then you’ll really be miserable. And you’ll talk to all your other girlfriends who have all the same problems and it’ll reinforce for you that this can never be solved because they’ve not solved it. That’s what your girlfriends tell you, isn’t it? So then together you can be miserable, but at least you guys can connect. [Laughter]

First of all, I really want to thank you sincerely and honor you. Afterwards I’m going to ask you to diagnose yourself with what I’m about to share, which is the specific reason why you’ve really done this, why anyone does anything. And then I’d like you to diagnose it. But I really truly want to honor you—and hope everyone else will—for your total sincerity and honesty in all that you’ve shared with us. Give her a big hand.

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CM Robbins asked Tahnee to show him what she does to get depressed. He then noticed her physiological posture, her pattern of focus, and the language patterns that came together for Tahnee as the experience of depression. While she was depressed he provoke her, and she snapped out of her depression with anger. This was Tahnee’s predominant pattern, a crazy-eight.

CAPTION: Diagram of Crazy 8

CM She would become depressed in the hope that she would be loved and taken care of, but when she felt weak and helpless, she would get angry to snap out of the depression. In fact, Tahnee even got angry to protect her right to be depressed. This shows that at some level she held onto her depression because it satisfied a need for her. Realizing this, Tahnee became ready to make a more conscious choice about to satisfy her needs for connection and significance. For instance, instead of depression, she could choose to feel hopefulness or even ecstasy to meet her needs. As Tahnee sits down, Robbins will make a presentation on the six human needs specifically gearing his talk to help her understand more deeply how she used depression to meet her needs.

TR We only do things because at some level consciously or subconsciously we believe that by doing this, by feeling this, by experiencing this, by believing this, by acting in this way, we will meet one or more of what I call our six human needs. Remember I said to you earlier, all human beings are raised differently. They have different backgrounds, education, rules that you were brought up with, language patterns, languages, religions. But I am here to tell you, having been with 3 million people from all over this planet that while we’re all completely diverse in our physiologies, the way we look, think, act, behave, one thing I can tell you for sure, we’re hardwired with the same needs. And most people keep their problems because they meet their needs.

Most people keep their problems cause it meets their needs, and it meets their needs without risking their greatest fear. Most ways to meet your needs, you’d have to take a risk, like start to get in a relationship, and that brings up a big risk because people could say they love you one day, and the next day they screw you—or they don’t. In fact the primary fear that we won’t, are not enough and won’t be loved—guess where it shows up more than any other place. In intimate relationship, because look, that’s why most people spend more time at work or with their kids, because with their kids they think, “I got this love forever.” Because it’s in the blood, right? My kids will always love me. Not all parents experience that, by the way. But that’s what most people believe. On the other hand, work—you can control it by your effort, by your focus, by your commitment to do well in work. You have control of that, but no control in a relationship—influence at best, that’s what you have. So it’s scary as hell for people. That’s why most people, that’s the area of life that’s most painful.

I don’t care what the situation is. If you don't get your relationship where you want it to be, you’re going to be in pain. And you can tell

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yourself all day long that the business will do it, or you’re success will do it, or even your kids will do it. But there’s a part of you that’ll be empty until that part of you gets healed.

CAPTION: The first human need: Certainty

TR The first of the six human needs, I believe, is the need for certainty, certainty that you can at least be comfortable. We all want comfort. Another word for certainty is—think of certainty as the ability to avoid pain, and the ability to have pleasure—at least to avoid pain because avoiding pain is a survival instinct. See, we want certainty that we’re not going to continuously have pain because to be in continuous pain means damage. Continuous damage equals death. It’s hardwired into us to have some level of certainty just to survive. We need certainty. Everybody needs it. The only question is how much of it you think you got to have. I’ll tell you this. The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the amount of uncertainty you can comfortably live with. The more uncertainty you can live with, the more you’ll try, the more you’ll learn, the more alive you’ll be. The more you got to be certain about everything, the less you’ll have.

So in this young lady’s case, she really wants certainty that this next relationship won’t hurt her. That’s her biggest limitation. And yet, she needs certainty. So how is she going to get it? well she can do it by being incredibly intense about the men she’s with and really screening the hell out of them, but if she screens the hell out of them, men are either going to feel judged and think, “Why would I want to be around this bitch?” Because they’ll feel judged. That’s not going to attract to her what she wants.

So there’s many ways to get certainty. You can get certainty by eating because when you overeat, all the blood rushes to your stomach and you start breathing again. You can do it by smoking. Deep diaphramic breath happens. You can do it by drugs. You can do it by just looking at your history and saying, “You know what? I have always found a way. Isn’t that amazing? And I will again.” Just trust it. Based on your history you’ve always found a way. You can do it through a spiritual belief. You can do it in positive ways, neutral ways or destructive ways cause everybody finds a way to meet their need for certainty—everyone, even crazy people. Everybody finds a way. The only question is are you going to find a way that’s, a way that’s obtainable or sustainable. Everybody obtains certainty. The question is can you sustain it and can you do it in a way that sustains you long term? There’s a lot of things you can get, but you can't sustain them.

By the way, if you manage to organization your life where you were certain about everything—you knew what was going to happen, when it was going to happen, how it was going to happen before it happened—day after day after day you knew what was going to happen before it happened, exactly as it’s going to happen. You’d enjoy that for a while, wouldn’t you? But after a while what would you start to feel? Bored out of your minds.

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CAPTION: The second human need:Variety

TR We have a need for uncertainty. We have a need for uncertainty. We have a need for variety. We have a need for surprise. How many of you in this room—tell me honestly. How many of you love surprises? If you do, say, "Aye." Bulls—t. [Laughter] You like the surprises you want. The surprises you don’t want, you call problems, and you don’t want those, but you need them because they’re the things that make you grow. What’s the term? Variety is the what of life? Spice. You go, “Yeah, but I like to choose my variety.” Life doesn't work that way. See, what we need is for variety to be alive. We need stimulation. We need the unknown or we feel dead inside.

You can get variety by doing drugs because variety is just a change in state. You can get variety by eating. That’s why people get addicted to food because they can get comfort and variety. Drugs—comfort and variety. You’re all bored or frustrated, go smoke and it changes your state—variety—and you’re comfortable. Ah, it meets two of my needs. Interesting. You can also get variety in positive ways like taking on a new challenge, setting a new goal. You can get variety in a conversation. You can get variety—if someone says, “Life is so boring, man.” I go, “No. Life isn’t boring. You’re boring.” Could you sit in a room with nothing else there and have unlimited variety if you just used your brain, yes or no? [Yes] See, variety is available at any moment. Most people value certainty more. That’s why their life is so boring. We tend to pick—of these six, we tend to pick one or two that we value more, and it shapes the direction of our life. People that are certainty driven end up with a very different life than people that are variety driven.

CAPTION: Third human need:Significance

TR Third human need: the need for significance. We all have a need to feel significant, to feel important, to feel special, to feel unique. The word significance has many different connotations—uniqueness, special. We all have the feeling of wanting to be needed, to feel important. These are all code words for significance. Who has this need? Every human being you’re ever going to meet in your life. All of us have it. The only difference is how we go about it. Some people try to be significant by achieving everything. Some people try to be significant by breaking through big problems. Some people try to be significant by having more money than someone else or toys. Some people try to be significant. They don’t want money. They’re into spirituality. I’m not into significance. I’m just a Christian. But they make it very clear that their relationship is more significant than any other in the world. Right? So they’re all playing the same game. Some people get significance by having more earrings in more locations than you’d want to ever describe. Some do it by being unique in their tattoos, some by having

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a unique hairstyle, some people by their style of how they walk or how they talk or their humor.

Everybody finds a way to be unique or special, or to feel needed, or to feel important. It’s a human need that everyone has, even those who deny it. They just get it in a different way. You can get significance in a positive way, a neutral way, or a negative way. One of the fastest ways to significance with strangers is violence. If you go up here to the hood not far from here, and I come up and put a gun to your head, guess what. I am instantly significant. I don’t need a college education. I don’t need to work at it. I don't do anything, and I am certain you’re going to respond to me. I’ve met two of my needs. And there’s variety because who knows what’s going to happen next. It’s different every time.

By the way, any time something you do or believe, you associate to that meeting at least three of your needs, you become addicted to it—positive or negative doesn't matter. so if you got a big enough problem—because there’s two ways to get significance: take a huge risk, potentially fail, and look like you’re unworthy and worthless, and not worthy of love, and face your deepest fear on earth, or have a really big problem you can share with everybody, a significant problem that’s so bad that you can tell everybody about it, and now you don’t ever have to face your fears and you can feel significant, which is the choice most people make. The majority of people in the world try to find big enough problems so that they never have to beat themselves up for not being enough or so at least so they can defend themselves against themselves or other people when they want to know why they haven’t done it. It’s not that you’re gutless. It’s not that you’re worthless and you’re not loved. It’s just this horrible thing that happened to you. Funny thing—other people have had much more horrible things, and they’ve managed to succeed. But that would require a level of truth that very few people have. This young lady in the front row here, or in the middle row here, certainly does that’s it. And the minutes you have that level of honesty, you have the power to change it.

If we want to be significance, we can do it in negative ways, positive ways. You can be a trouble-maker and be significant. You can be a contributor and be significant. The only question is, is it an obtainable way or a sustainable way? Is it a way that serves you short term or long term? Does it serve others and you? Because if it only serves you, it’s not sustainable. How do you get significance? Do you do it through business, achievement? Do you do it by being the best parent? Do you do it by the way you dress? Do you do it by being tough, and you can handle anybody no matter what they do with you? Do you do it by having a really big problem that you can demonstrate at will? How do you do it?

Now here’s the problem. To be totally significant, you got to be totally unique and different. To be totally unique and different violates your fourth human need, and one of the deepest ones: the need for connection and love. Because the more different you have to be, the less connect you can be.

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CAPTION: The fourth human need:Connection/Love

TR So love or connection? Most people settle for connection, not love, by the way. There is a difference, isn’t there? Most people settle for connection because it’s a lot less scary. They don’t have to put as much out there, can't be hurt as bad. So they settle for connection instead of love because oh, love, that’s a very scary thing. So we’ll just keep it to a certain level of depth, but never get too deep because then I won’t be hurt too much. No, you just hurt for a lifetime by never experiencing your true self, always wondering where it could have been, what it would have been like.

You can get connection. The fastest way to get connection have a problem. See, go out and do extremely well, and see how many people are thrilled for you and for how long. There are some people that’ll always be thrilled for you, but most people as you start doing things very successfully, most people when they see you succeed, they look and evaluate themselves, and even though you may think they’re phenomenal, they don’t think they’re phenomenal, and so what they begin to do is feel insignificant because of your achievements. Now they have one of two choices: get out there and face their risks and kick ass and do something, which takes enormous fear—overcoming enormous fear—or tear you down. Which one do you think is faster and easier and more predictable? Tear you down. You can get connection by loving someone. You can get connection by making love. You can get connection by prayer. You can get connection by walking through nature. You can get connection by getting really sick, and people come and want to take care of you. You can get connection by having a big problem. Anybody can get connection or love, but very few people get it at the level they want. You can measure it on a zero to ten, most people get at three, four, or five—like enough connection that it’s okay, but they’re not really happy, but they’re not unhappy enough to do anything about it. That’s no man’s land.

Now, every one of us meets these first four needs because they’re the fundamental needs of all human beings. Even if you got to make s—t up, you’ll do it to meet these needs. But the last two needs are the needs that make you fulfilled, and very few people are fulfilled. I believe success without fulfillment is failure. If you succeed and you’re not fulfilled, you’re a failure. And you can only be fulfilled by the final two needs because these needs are the needs of the spirit I believe. The first four needs are the needs of your personality. Everybody meets them even if you got to lie to yourself. The final two you can only meet by really doing something.

And the final two is number five is you must grow. In fact, if you don't grow, you what? You know the answer. You what? You die. And number six, you must contribute beyond yourself.

CAPTION: The fifth and sixth human needs:GrowthAnd

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Contribution

TR You must contribute beyond yourself because if life is just about you, I got news for you. You can make yourself feel pleasure for a moment because somebody complimented you or because you made a certain idea come through you or because, you know, some situation you did really well, but that’s a temporary pleasure. Fulfillment stays with you. Fulfillment only comes when you know you’ve grown and when you know you’ve contributed beyond yourself because life is not just about us, or yourself. And all of us know there were times when you did something just cause it was right and it felt so incredible inside. And you didn’t have to tell anybody. Nobody had to put stars on your chart. You felt it. Now these are not my laws. These are the laws of the universe. Everything in the universe either grows or dies—everything. And everything in the universe either contributes or is eliminated by evolution. These are the primary needs of all human beings, and very few human beings meet these on a regular basis. Most are busy making up stories so they can meet the first four needs in ways that don't require any risk, or as little risk as possible.

So if you’d like to transform your life, I can tell you, you’re all meeting these needs. The question is how? Are you meeting them in ways that empower you or disempower you, in ways that are neutral, ways that support you and other people, ways that are obtainable or sustainable? Remember, any time you meet at least three needs in your mind by some behavior, some belief, you’ll get addicted to it. That’s true of something positive or negative.

Now, I took a lot of time to do this because I don’t want you to be passive with me. I want you to be active. So when somebody stands up, I want you to become the practical psychologist, the natural psychologist who starts to say, “Why are they doing this? Oh, they’re meeting this need, this, this need. Interesting. How are they doing this? Oh, look what they’re doing with their body? Look at what they’re doing with their language. Notice what they’re focusing on. Ahh. And why? Look, there’s the fear showing up.” And then notice how we change it, so that when you leave here you’ll have a greater appreciation for every human being you meet, whether it be your child, or whether it be the person you can't stand. And you’ll understand why.

Now Tahnee, would you stand back up. [Applause] Now, did you check out that last [Sounds like: su] move she was making there? Now Tahnee, you’re not feeling too depressed right now. What are you feeling right now?

T Elated.

TR Elated, ladies and gentlemen. [Applause] And you look it. Now notice her smile. Does she have a different quality of smile there, yes or no? Yes. Now I want to ask you a question. I’d like now to diagnose the old pattern—because it wasn’t you—that you ran. And I’d like you to tell me the truth. Which of these six needs did you meet by getting

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depressed, and which of these needs, by the way, did you meet, by getting pissed off? Start with depressed.

T Love, I would assume.

TR Say again.

T Love.

TR Love. How did you get love by being depressed? Tell the truth—which is accurate, by the way.

T Well, attention from other people. So that’s love.

TR Connection.

T And then also, um you know, trying to caress myself out of it, so giving myself the love too.

TR That’s right. On a scale from zero to ten, how much love were you getting by being depressed truthfully? Tell the truth. Or at least connection from yourself and others.

T I think it, it was a lot less than I thought it was.

TR Yeah. She’s seeing it now through a different state. How many follow this? But back then how much did you associate the ability to get love, zero to ten, with being depressed? Where would you have put it?

T Yeah, like an eight.

TR Like an eight. Okay—which means nine. The only reason I saw this is because she smiled when she said eight at that last moment. Am I correct? What was that smile when you said eight?

T It was probably more.

TR Yes. So closer to a nine, but let’s stay with eight just so we can bulls—t ourselves. Next. [Laughter] What other need have you met in the past by being depressed?

T Feeling significant.

TR Feeling significant. There we go. By the way, can you give her a hand for that level of honesty, first of all. That’s fantastic. [Applause] How, how did you get a feeling of significance by having this horrible depression?

T Well, when I would get attention from other people, it, it, it would signify that they really cared for me and that they really loved me.

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TR That’s right. So if I—also, how bad was it? I mean, how significant was this depression? It wasn’t measly ass little depression. It’s I can’t stop crying depression, right? So how, how, how difficult, how significant was it zero to ten?

T It was like a ten.

TR A ten. So now we’ve met her need for love at an eight—really a nine. We’ve met our significance at a ten by having this problem. What other needs were you meeting by being depressed?

T Out of the four? Stability—stability is a big one.

TR Certainty—how certain were you that you could get yourself in that state? How certain, zero to ten—at will, at the drop of a hat?

T A seven.

TR A seven. Okay. And how certain were you that you could be in that state and stay in that state if you wanted to be, zero to ten?

T A ten.

TR Ten. So she meets her needs for certainty at a ten, her needs for significance at a ten, and love at a nine. Any time you associate at least three elements, you become totally addicted to it. And by the way, she doesn't just meet them. She meets them at nines and tens. If you met ‘em at fives and sixes, you’d get addicted, but nines and tens—that’s a total addiction. If we don’t go any further, how many can see why, even though she could feel total ecstasy, joy, happiness, hopefulness, love at will just as quickly—how many can see why she was always depressed? Cause it was a way of meeting her [needs] at an addictive level.

Any other needs you were meeting by getting in this state of depression? You don't have to have any others, but I’m just curious if you met any others. Things are going a certain way over and over, day after day, a certain way—what could you do when you got depressed?

T Oh the rush.

TR Yes—the rush of depression. Did you guys here this? What is that rush? Of feeling all your feelings, right? Feelings you weren’t feeling before, which is known as variety, uncertainty. Oh, my God. Zero to ten, how much of a rush?

T Well, I could go to a ten.

TR Ten. So why would she be happy when she’s got this unhappiness thing working so well? She gets connection and love. She has significance, and she doesn’t have to do anything, doesn't have to take any risks, doesn't have to face anything, doesn't have to

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create anything. She can have a total rush in her body. In fact, she can rush herself to the point she can cry uncontrollably, which means really feel again and feel the feminine side of herself, which is allow herself to just feel without having a game plan of controlling something. But then that’s not very acceptable to stay in that state long term cause people get tired of your whining ass all the time. so you need another weapon to show people that you’re not just some wus, and that you’re to be reckoned with because after a while she gets tired of feeling that sad feelings. After a while it feels insignificant, doesn't it, and weak? So then we snap into significant feelings that come from being pissy and intense. I’ll whip your ass. Or what was the term you gave me earlier?

T Something like, “I’ll kick your ass.”

TR I’ll kick your ass. Something like, “I’ll kick your ass.” That wasn’t the first time you’ve ever used that phrase, was it?

T No, I like that one.

TR No. Yeah, you use it a lot. So now what we do is we whip ourselves into this state, and which needs do you meet by being in the state of “I’ll kick your ass?”

T Probably all of those too.

TR Yes. Significance, at zero to ten—how significant? When you’re pissed off, how, how certain do you feel in your body on a zero to ten, everybody? How certain? Ten. When you’re pissed off people tend to respond to you even if they don’t like you. How significant do you feel? Ten. And by the way, you get connection with people. You don’t get love, but you get connection with people. So now you get three of them met instantaneously. That’s why most people are so angry all the time, because it’s their addiction to try to feel significant when they feel insignificant. So one way to battle your own fear that you’re not enough is get pissed off at something or someone or everyone else. So you’ve been addicted to these needs. so now the only hope for you as a solution besides awareness is to humiliate yourself if you go into those places by realizing I’m being a bitch, and what I’m doing is stealing from my friends by creating a problem that I totally could shift this fast. And I’m not going to be a whore to my friends. They don’t deserve that, and I’m not going to do that to my own spirit. Then it’s to find some new ways to do it, like ways, like feeling this hopefulness or this happiness or this elation, by realizing I am growing and because I’m growing, I can pass this onto my sisterhood or my brotherhood or my children. I can grow and I can contribute, and that’s where you’ll be euphoric. Because the feelings you’re having today are only so good. They only last so long. Where they’ll really last is when it becomes not about you, but when it becomes outside yourself and you—when all of it’s fulfilled. But the place that’ll get you back—ah—is when you get around men because they’re going to do s—t to be significant that’s going to piss you off because you know you’re significant. And you’re not going to want to feel insignificant. Who here can relate to this at some level? Let me see a show of hands. Very nice. Give her a big hand. Thank you very much. [Applause]

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