" L e a r n a l l yo u c a n f r o m t h e

m i s ta k e s o f ot h e r s . Y o u wo n ' t h av e

t i m e to m a k e t h e m a l l yo u r s e l f . ”

3

3

Jim Brown

David Bruce

Terrence Cadden

Steve Cave

Maurice Elliot

Greg Fromholz

Norman Hamilton

Rachel Gardner

Drew Gibson

Ken Good

Brian Heasley

Lyndsey Holley

Dolway Johnston

Maria Kee

John Kyle

Rose Lynas

Luke Aylen

Norman Lynas

Keith Lockhart

Adrian McCartney

Andy McCourt

Linda McCredie

Gordon McDade

Derek McKelvey

Niall McNally

Mike Pilavachi

Dave Quintana

Paul Reid

Mark Russell

Naomi Rose Steinberg

Matt Summerfield

Jamie Treadwell

Trevor Williams

Fanta Clarke

Andy Frost

Krish Kandiah

Pat Storey

Mike Wardlow

Thanks To EvEryonE who conTribuTEd

4

4conTEnTs

Why I Wanted to Produce This Book 6

How to Use This Book 8

There May Be Trouble Ahead 10

Be Somebody 13

No Compare 16

Lost in Wonder 18

Emergency Use Only 22

From Wreckage to Restoration 25

Leadership is Relational 28

Bombs, Bullets & Bigotry 30

Crisis of Identity 33

We See Through A Glass Door Dimly 36

A Quiet Word for Introverts 39

Beauty & the Beast 42

Running on Empty 45

Pass it On 48

It Doesn’t Fit 51

Playing with Porn 53

Come Out of the Christian Cocoon 56

Pray & Reflect 59

Hope Floats 62

5

5

A Difficult Place to Be 65

Big 67

God Can Act as the First Resort 70

Wrong Choices 73

Good to Talk 76

Tears & Laughter 80

Friends 84

Disintegrated Anticipation 87

Become a Monk 90

The Great Pretender 92

Dig Up That Buried Talent 95

Lucky Break 98

Losing A Parent 101

Painful 104

What Happens When You Hit The Wall? 107

Rebel With A Cause 110

Marriage Breakdown 112

Don’t Eat More Food Than You Can Lift 115

Languages of Love 118

Reading the Gauge 121

Avoiding Tragedy 124

6

6why i wanTEd To ProducE This bookJOHN KEE, DIRECTOR OF SUMMER MADNESS

‘Learn all you can from the mistakes of others. You won’t have

time to make them all yourself.’ Alfred Sheinwold

This book really came about from wanting to pass on to my own

children some of what I think I’ve learnt along the way – often

the ‘hard’ way. I hoped that my kids could avoid much of that

same bumpy road. Then I realised that many others could also of-

fer more and better insights and ‘hindsights’ than I have yet even

to grasp and that the potential audience was wider than my own

family. So I went and asked a range of people if they would share

some of those experiences. I read a quote from Sylvester Stal-

lone – yeah, he’s right there in the book of Ecclesiastes ;-) – which

summed up my thinking quite well:

‘It would be great to be able to pass on to someone all of the suc-

cesses, the failures, and the knowledge that one has had. To help

someone avoid all the fire, pain and anxiety would be wonderful.’

So, this book is about learning from other people’s experiences;

not just their wonderful successes but perhaps more importantly

their mistakes. It’s about recognising that failure is an inevitable

part of the human experience and that the Christian life is not

about perfection but it’s about progress. We shouldn’t be too

afraid of failure. After all, ‘Fallor ergo sum’ (‘I err therefore I am’),

said St Augustine. This most celebrated early Christian theolo-

gian was essentially saying that failure is the very stuff of being

human. St Paul in Romans 7 describes his passionate desire to live

fully in God’s will yet recognising the ongoing inner struggle to

do so and in the middle of it all learning to rely on God’s grace and

His encouragement to keep moving forward by His Spirit.

7

7When it comes to dealing with difficulties, disappointments and

failures you’ll find so many stories providing great wisdom in

the Bible and you’ll discover that the advice given is immensely

useful in every area of life: the worlds of business, politics and

finance as well as personal relationships and spiritual life. How-

ever, sometimes in church we find this dressed up in language

that can seem a bit remote to everyday life; but I hope that you

will pick up from the stories in this book that the whole idea of

‘wisdom’ is very practical and fulfilling.

John 10:10 in The Message says that Jesus came that we can have

‘real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed

of.’ Now that doesn’t mean that it will always be a bed of roses.

Sometimes we are inclined to paint a very simplistic picture of

what living a Christian life is all about and even give the impres-

sion that it is always about doing better and constantly making

progress. Those in church leadership naturally find it difficult to

acknowledge their own struggles or failures and so I’d like to com-

mend all those who accepted this challenge to share some of the

‘hindsight’ that they have accumulated over the years to give you

the chance to jump-start your own learning. They have taken the

time and effort to put down in a very short space just one or two

things that they hope will be of value to you.

‘If you want to know the road ahead - ask those coming back’,

goes a Chinese Proverb. So, as you think about who you are, what

you will become and where you are headed, do consider these

valuable comments from a seasoned group of people – who are

walking the same road as yourself, who can give you some tips

about dead-ends and roadblocks.

8

8how To usE This book

You could read the book (it’s short enough) in one sitting, or dip

into it as you please but I’d like to suggest that it might be most use-

ful if you read one per day over 40 days and shared your thoughts

and reflections with a few others around you. I don’t mean that it

should be necessarily within your formal youth group/fellowship

meeting. Make it a commitment just to have a conversation with

one or two friends each week about what really struck you from

the previous days of hindsight that you’ve read.

‘A mentor is someone whose hindsight can become your foresight.’

Peter Drucker

Let the authors be your mentors for those 40 days and then learn

to gain insight and understanding from others as well, those that

you observe around you. Make it a habit, ask yourself frequently

what you can learn from what’s going on in the lives of others and

of course from those in the Biblical narrative. Be sure to share it

with others, the Christian walk is not a solo one.

As you read, please do remember that we are all called to go further

than just the words on the page. The Bible talks about the differ-

ence between ‘hearing’ the Word of God and ‘doing’ it, so bear in

mind that there may be some action required as you absorb this

wisdom. Try putting some of it into practice.

We can all look back at the path we have taken, the experiences

we’ve accumulated and try to learn from them. At least that way

we are more likely to begin to shape our future; not simply predict

it. When you are in a desert and trying to reach some distant oasis,

there is only one sure way of knowing where you are headed, look

back and check if your footsteps are carrying you in a straight line.

believe that, whatever happens, god does not leave Us

reakBuckyL

99

99My father was knocked off his bike by a drunken driver as

he headed to take a Mission meeting in Ringsend, Dublin.

I was 9 months old when my father died and my brother

five years older. My mother felt she should be at home to look

after my brother and me, so we shared our home with a series of

paying guests. Money was always tight and everything was budg-

eted carefully. But occasionally when there was a big bill coming

there just wasn’t enough money in the pot. Throughout my child-

hood at such moments, my mother would say, ‘Don’t worry, our

Heavenly Father will look after us.’ And He did. This grounding in

practical faith, is still central to who I am.

I was fifteen when an older friend invited me to take a spin on his

motorbike up the Dublin mountains. We stopped where a single-

track by-road forked down from the main route leading towards

a bridge over a small river. ‘Why don’t you have a go?’ my friend

suggested. He didn’t have to ask twice.

I remember the thrill of negotiating one bend in particular. On

my third attempt I was convinced that I could make this bend at

30 mph, just a little faster than my previous attempts. So I ap-

proached at that speed, leant over and pulled the bike around. This

time, the front wheel went across the crown of the road which

had a light sprinkling of gravel. I was aware of the bike sliding

and suddenly I was in the ditch still travelling at 30 mph. The bike

hit a huge rock. I remember sitting on the road but when I tried

to move I noticed that my foot didn’t budge. I had a compound

fracture just above my ankle. The bleeding was so bad obviously

an artery had been severed. My friend ran down the road to see

what had happened.

There was a cottage just opposite where I had crashed. The home

owners and my friend helped me across the road and lay me down

on their sitting room settee. My friend asked for the use of their

100

100telephone, but, they didn’t have a phone. No, there wasn’t a phone

box anywhere nearby, and their car had been taken into town for

the day. The motorcycle wasn’t drivable. After ten minutes my

friend was seriously concerned because the bleeding couldn’t be

stopped. We were all worried.

Just then there was a knock on the door. I heard a voice say, ‘I was

driving on the road above and happened to look down and saw

the bike in the ditch on the road below. Is everything alright? I’m

a doctor.’ The doctor came in and was able to reduce the bleeding,

while his friend drove three miles to a phone box to call for an

ambulance. I was taken to hospital and although I had lost a lot of

blood, the operation and recovery were successful. I still have the

scar, but no other ill effects.

I thank God for owners of the cottage who looked after me, and

for that doctor who happened to see the crash on the by-road and

enquired if someone needed help. I believe my Heavenly Father

was looking after me that day, just as my mother said He would.

And yet life has taught me that the fact that God loves us, doesn’t

mean my life will be a ‘bed of roses’. Despite the best treatment

available my father died from his road accident injuries. God didn’t

prevent my father’s death!

God isn’t some kind of accident insurance policy. What God

has promised is that no matter what happens in life, He is there

with us. That is our security. Jesus said ‘I will never leave you or

forsake you.’ And that has been my experience, and that’s why I

still believe what my mother taught me as a child ‘Our Heavenly

Father will look after us’.

don’t let opportUnities for MeaningfUl coMMUnication slip by

LOSING A PARENT

102

102this is going to sound a bit grim, and it’s not meant to put

you off thinking about the possibility of being called into or-

dained ministry, but when you are a member of the clergy,

you do tend to encounter death quite often in the form of funer-

als and so on. And none of them are pleasant. As Paul writes so

honestly in 1 Corinthians 15, death really is an enemy. It is cruel, it

is final, it is brutal, it is painful. In short, death stinks.

So what’s the point here? Well, one of the things I learned to my

cost is that sometimes death can creep up on you unexpectedly,

and one of the biggest mistakes I think I ever made as a young

person was not to realise what it would actually feel like to lose a

parent. When you’re young, you don’t have a proper sense that

most things in life are really only temporary; life is for living and

you don’t really feel the passing of time. When I look back now

on my teenage years, there is so much I simply took for granted.

My Dad dropped and lifted me everywhere without even a word

of protest. Did I ever thank him for loving me so sacrificially? No.

I admired him in so many ways, but did I ever even tell him how

much I loved him? No. He gave of himself endlessly for my family

and me, but was I ever genuinely aware of how much of a blessing

this was in offering me permission to flourish? Probably not.

I can remember on different occasions sitting in the car with

him and wondering what life might feel like without him being

around: very difficult to imagine then. I recall thinking that there

were times when I really should have opened my mouth to tell

him things that were important, but like a lot of teenagers I never

did feelings very well. I could be moody and headstrong, and I was

just rubbish in terms of openness and communication with those

who were closest to me.

103

103Then, after school finished I headed away to university. Soon after

that, work started and, before I knew it, the moment had disap-

peared. My Dad developed dementia and in many ways I lost him

years before he eventually died. I can remember to my horror how

in later years, when it was my turn to drive him around, he turned

to me and no longer knew who I was.

Although he had been ill, it all happened quite unexpectedly in the

end. A phone-call one cold January morning and that was it, he

had gone. No chance to say goodbye. No opportunity to hold his

hand. A whole pile of things I wish I had been able to say; a mind

in turmoil; a heart broken.

I remember standing and looking at his body in the coffin and

only then did it hit me how much I had lost. I remember writing a

card to go with a wreath of flowers and trying to articulate some

of my innermost thoughts, but in the end they were just words on

a piece of paper. I wish, I wish, I wish...

Being a Christian gives me hope that one day I will see my Dad

again, and maybe then I’ll finally be able to tell him all the things

that were left unsaid, but in the meantime I am sorry for my

shortcomings and thankful for the gospel’s message of grace to

those who are left with regrets. I made a mistake, but in Jesus I

have discovered someone who truly understands.

The problem with comprehension is, it often comes too late.

- Rasmenia Massoud

seek oUt eMpathetic friends, be vUlnerable with god

MARRIAGE BREAKDOWN

113

113two nights before I got married, one of my out-of-town

guests came up to me and said: ‘Just in case no one has said

this to you, let me just tell you – you don’t have to do this.’

After he walked away I of course responded with great maturity

– I huffed indignantly to one of my bridesmaids. I was 24, with

no idea that in four years my marriage would crumble and that I

would have a very different perspective on my wedding guest’s

warning.

To be clear, I was not a girl who put marriage on a pedestal. I was

in no rush to get to the altar. And I had what I consider to be

realistic expectations of the enterprise. I figured part of it would

be great and part of it would suck, but if I’m honest I don’t think I

ever anticipated I’d be going through the Big D. Until I did.

I’m not going to go into the specific ‘whys’ of my marriage

breakup. I hope it suffices to say that it’s undoubtedly the great-

est failure of my life. C.S. Lewis likened divorce to having your

legs cut off. I don’t know about that, but it was all a blur of pain,

confusion, doubt and guilt. It was also sadly a time of rejection by

certain Christian friends.

A few months after we separated and word of our split had started

to spread, I made a somewhat naïve choice to attend a friend’s

wedding. I barely kept it together during the ceremony and had

just grabbed a drink at the reception, when a Christian colleague

approached me and said: ‘You’re making Jesus cry.’

I questioned her timing more than her sentiment. Nine years

later I still feel the sting of her public rebuke – rubbing salt in

my wounds. I felt like the scarlet D on my chest had cast a pall

over my friends’ celebrations and I wanted nothing more than to

114

114disappear. When I told a friend about the encounter, she said: ‘I

think you’re about to learn very quickly how much some value

their principles over people.’ She was right. I lost some friends. And

when I moved to London and started making new friends, I found

it difficult to explain why I wasn’t even remotely interested in dat-

ing or marriage.

It happens. Things fall apart. I think that a willingness to face this

fact is what prompted my out-of-town wedding guest’s words of

advice. Looking back, I wish I’d taken them more seriously, humbly

and graciously. After all, statistics seem to show that just as many

Christian marriages end in divorce as other-than-Christian mar-

riages. And I do think maybe that does make Jesus cry… but I cling

to the hope that he’s been weeping with me in my pain, and with

so many others.

I confess every time I hear wedding bells now, I automatically

think of the words of Leonard Cohen: ‘Ring the bells that still can

ring / Forget your perfect offering / There is a crack in everything

/ That’s how the light gets in.’

I may have been cracked but the glue of grace is holding. I

wouldn’t wish the agony of divorce on anyone: Christian, not-a-

Christian, twenty-something, thirty-something, any-something.

But if you’re out there and you’re going through it, I pray to God

you have an empathetic friend or family member you can be vul-

nerable about it with.

Summer Madness is a registered charity in the UK

t: +44 (0) 28 9067 3379e: office@summermadness.co.ukThe Old Rectory, 217 Holywood Road, Belfast BT4 2DH @smfestival /summermadnessni