FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES

INSTRUCTION

Introduction Objective:

To set proper expectation of participants and

explain methodology of the course

In FAMILIA, the Lord continues to transform our lives so we can better witnesses to others. One of the things He has been doing is enrich our marriage through better communication and sensitivity to our spouse needs. That is the reason we have MERs, one-to-one dialogues, etc. that forms part of our way of live.

Tonight, we will learn together through a video-based course, how to express our love more effectively to our spouses/love ones.

Needless to say, the learning is applicable as well in our other relationship as parents, community members, etc.

Explanation of the Methodology

1. First we will watch a video that explains, that we generally express our love to our spouses in five (5) different ways or “languages”:• Words of Affirmation• Quality Time• Receiving Gifts• Acts of Service• Physical Touch

2. Generally, we choose the language that we ourselves prefer to receive from others (including our spouses/love ones). This is called “primary” language.

3. Later, after watching the video, we will be able to identify more or less our preferred or “primary” language that we use on our spouses/love ones. Bear in mind that you will also discover a “secondary” preference but our focuses will be on the primary language.

4. You can easily guess that our problem is that our primary language is not the same as our spouse’s/love one’s “preferred language” (to express our love). The net effect is that we are not getting as much “mileage” as we expect. Even worse, our spouse “Love Tank” may not always be full as what we may expect.

Let us now watch the video closely and let us

have an open forum where we can also

share insights.

MOVIE WATCHING

Fill up the questioners that will help you discover your

preferred languages. We are also distributing some materials that explains the

different languages.

Workshop on Languages of LoveHandout No. 1

DISCOVERING YOUR PRIMARYLANGUAGE OF

LOVE

INSTRUCTIONSThis profiling system, developed by

Jim Toole in cooperation with Gary Chapman, will assist you in

discovering your primary love language. For those who are certain they

already know their primary love language, the profile will serve as

confirmation. For those not quite sure which love language is their primary one,

the profile will bring clarification.

INSTRUCTIONSYou will be presented 30 pairs of

statements. Read each pair with this question in mind: Which of these would I

prefer to receive from my spouse? You may enjoy both expressions of love, but if you could only have one,

which would you choose? After you have made your choice, circle

X at the end of the statement. Be sure to circle only one X for each statements.

  A B C D E1.  I like to receive notes of affirmation from you. I like it when you hug me.

 x

        x

2.  I like to spend one-to-one time with you. I feel loved when you give practical

help to me.

  x     x

 

3.  I like it when you give me gifts I like taking long walks with you

   

x

x   

4.  I feel loved when you do things to help me.

I feel loved when you touch me.

     x

 

x

5.  I feel loved when you hold me in your arms.

I feel loved when I receive a gift from you.

     

x

 x

  A B C D E6.  I like to go places with you. I like to hold hands with you

  x      x

7.  Visible symbols of love (gifts) are very important to me.

I feel loved when you affirm me.

  x

   x

   

8.  I like to sit close to you. I like for you to tell me I am

attractive/handsome.

  x

      x

9.  I like to spend time with you. I like to receive little gifts from you.

  x  x

   

10. Your words of acceptance are important to me

I know you love me when you help me.

 x

      

x

 

  A B C D E11. I like to be together when we do things. I like the kind words you say to me.

 x

x      

12. What you do affects me more than what you say.

I feel whole when we hug.

       x

  x

13. I value your praise and try to avoid your criticism.

Several inexpensive gifts from you mean more to me than one large gift.

 x

     x

   

14. I feel close when we are talking or doing something together.

I feel close to you when you touch me often.

   x

       x

15. I like for you to compliment my achievement.

I know you love me when you do things for me that you don’t enjoy doing.

x     

  x

 

  A B C D E16.  I like for you to touch me when you walk

by. I like it when you listen to me

sympathetically

     x

     x

17.  I feel loved when you help me with my jobs around the house.

I really enjoy receiving gifts from you.

      x

 x

 

18.  I like you to compliment my appearance. I feel loved when you take time to

understand my feelings.

x   x

     

19.  I feel secure when you are touching me. Your acts of service make me feel loved.

       x

x

20.  I appreciate the many things you do for me.

I like receiving gifts that you make.

     

xx

 

  A B C D E21. I really enjoy the feeling I get when

you give me your undivided attention. I really enjoy the feeling I get when

you do some act of service for me.

   x

     X

 

22. I feel loved when you celebrate my birthday with a gift.

I feel loved when you celebrate my birthday with meaningful words (written or spoken)

    x

   x

   

23. I know you are thinking of me when you give me a gift.

I feel loved when you help me out with my chores.

     x

   x

 

24. I appreciate it when you listen patiently and don’t interrupt me.

I appreciate it when you remember special days with a gift.

   x

   x

   

25. I like to know you are concerned enough to help with my daily tasks.

I enjoy extended trips with you.

    x

   x

 

  A B C D E26.  Kissing me unexpectedly excites me. Giving me a gift for no special

occasion excites me.

      x

  x

27. I like to be told that you appreciate me.

I like for you to look at me when we are talking.

x  

x

     

28.   Your gifts are always special to me. I feel good when you are touching me.

    x    x

29. I feel loved when you enthusiastically do some task I have requested.

I feel loved when you tell me how much you appreciate me.

   x

     x

 

30.  I need to be touched every day. I need your words of affirmation daily.

 x

      x

Totals          

Final InstructionsCount the encircled

“x” in each column.The total for the five (5) columns should be 30.

A– Words of

Affir-mation

B-Quality

Time

C– Receiving

Gifts

D- Acts of

Services

E-Physical Touch

Open ForumYou can also use this time to underscore certain points and

invite insights.

FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES

A. Words of Affirmation· Verbal compliments or words of appreciation.· Encouraging words: presumes that we know what is important to

our spouse.· Kind words: has to do with the way we speak. The manner in

which we speak is exceedingly important.· Love does not keep a score of wrongs..· Forgiveness is the way of love. Forgiveness is a choice to show

mercy..· Human words: Love makes requests, not demands.· If we are to develop an intimate relationship, we need to know

each other’s desires.· If we wish to love each other, we need to know what the other

person wants.· Words of affirmation fill the deep human need to be appreciated· Indirect words of affirmation: spoken to others about your

spouse/love ones (spouse may or may not be present)

B.  Quality Time· Giving someone your undivided attention· A central aspect of quality time is togetherness· Togetherness has to do with focused attention - not simply

proximity· Quality time means we are doing something together and that we

are giving our full attention to the other person· Quality conversation: sympathetic dialogue where two individuals

share their experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context

· Words of affirmation focus on what we are saying; quality conversation focuses on what we are hearing

· Quality conversation requires not only sympathetic listening but also self-revelation

· Quality activities: emphasis is on being together, doing things together, giving each other undivided attention

· By-product of quality activities—memory bank from which to draw in the years ahead

C. Receiving Gifts· A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, “He was

thinking of me” or “She remembered me”· Gifts are visual symbols of love· If you are a spender, you will have little difficulty purchasing

gifts for your spouse. But if you are a saver, you will experience emotional resistance to the idea of spending money as an expression of love

· Gifts of self or of presence—being there when your spouse needs you

· Physical presence in a time of crisis is a most powerful gift· Gifts need not be expensive and their worth has nothing to do with

monetary value and everything to do with love· Make a list of all the gifts your spouse has expressed excitement

about receiving through the years—gives you an idea of the kind of gifts your spouse would enjoy receiving

· Do not wait for a special occasion to give a gift

D. Acts of Service· Best role model is Jesus· Requests give direction to love but demands stop the flow of love· Manipulation by guilt “If you were a good spouse, you would do

this for me”· Coercion by fear “You will do this or you will be sorry”· Separately, make a list of things that you would like your spouse to

do, and if done, would make you feel loved—good start to learn the specific dialect (of the language-acts of service) of your spouse

· Reminders (not limited to acts of service) What we do for each other before marriage is no indication of

what we will do after marriage

Love is a choice and can not be coerced

My spouse’s criticisms about my behavior provide me with the clearest clue to her or his primary love language

E.  Physical Touch· Way of communicating emotional love· Powerful vehicle for communicating marital love: holding hands,

kissing, embracing, sexual intercourse· Sexual intercourse is on one dialect in the love language of physical

touch· In marriage, the touch of love may take many forms· To touch my body is to touch me; to withdraw from my body is to

distance yourself from me emotionally· All societies have some form of physical touching as a means of

social greeting· There are appropriate and inappropriate ways to touch members

of the opposite sex in every society· Almost instinctively in a time of crisis, we hug one another. Why?

Because physical touch is a powerful communicator of love. In a time of crisis, we need to feel loved. We can not always change events, but we can survive if we feel loved.

IMPORTANT POINTS 1. We must be willing to

learn our spouse’s primary love languages if we are to be effective communicators of love.

Fundamental Truth:People speak different love

languages

2. Basically, these are five (5) emotional languages · Quality Time· Acts of Service· Words of Affirmation

(Encouragement)· Physical Touch· Receiving Gifts

3. We must learn our own and our spouse’s/love one’s primary love language

4. We must express our love in our spouse’s primary love language.

5. The need to feel love is a primary human emotional need.

6. Inside every person is an “emotional tank” waiting to be filled with love.

7. The need to be loved by one’s spouse is at the heart of marital desires.

8. What makes one person feel loved emotionally is not always the thing that makes another person feel love emotionally.

9. Central aspect of quality time is togetherness (not just proximity). Togetherness has to do with focused attention.

10. Words of affirmation focuses on what we are saying but quality conversation (quality time) focuses on what we are hearing.

SUGGESTED FOLLOW UP ACTIVITY

Reflect on the quote from Dr. Ross Campbell:

“Inside every child is an ‘emotional tank’ waiting to be filled with love. When a child really feels loved, he will develop normally but when the love tank is empty, the child will misbehave. Much of the misbehavior of children is motivated by the cravings of an empty ‘love tank’.”

SUGGESTED FOLLOW UP ACTIVITY

Does this statement strike a familiar chord in you heart — as a child or even now as an adult? Using the scale 1 to 10, rate how full your emotional love tank is at the moment? What can your spouse do to fill this tank?

SUGGESTED FOLLOW UP ACTIVITY

During the next three weeks, ask your spouse each day for the current reading of his or her love tank. Then, ask how you can fill it up. Try your best to do what your spouse asks of you. Love him or her in the language that he or she understands.

SUGGESTED FOLLOW UP ACTIVITY

During your weekly couple dialogue, share how you feel when your spouse fills up your emotional love tank. End your dialogue by expressing gratitude to one another.

For the singles, a similar activity may be done in the context of men’s groups or women’s group.