© 2015 Jayson Gaddis. All rights reserved.
Total fighting score:
Avoid it like the plague
Brush it under the rug
Change the subject sometimes
Run away and struggle to come back to repair
Run away but always come back to repair
Apologize and try to make it better immediately
Apologize and wonder why my partner doesn’t let go of itApologize and wonder why my partner doesn’t let go of it
Am okay if it takes a while to sort out
Don’t like to process or talk too much about it
Tend to “check out” and distract through internet, TV, magazines, sleep, booze, porn, etc.
Tend to hope it gets better without taking a lot of action
When a disagreement, fight, or conflict happens in my relationship, I
Total fighting score:
Get aggressive
Get combative and physical
Typically try to convince my partner of my point of view
Want to keep arguing until we’re completely done
Will stay up all night to deal
My partner is typically the one who initiates a repair
Feel annoyed or mad if my partner won’t engage to finish itFeel annoyed or mad if my partner won’t engage to finish it
Have no problem with arguing or debating my point of view
Can send mean texts to him/her
Can say and do mean things to him/her
When a disagreement, fight, or conflict happens in my relationship, I
Instructions: Print this out. Then quickly evaluate yourself on a scale of 1-10 in the
following areas. Write a number next to each box in each section. 1 is Never true and
10 is always true. 7 might be pretty true and 3 might be hardly true. You get the idea...
This scorecard is designed to help you get more honest with “how” you do (or don’t
do) conflict in your intimate relationships. There are 4 different categories and
therefore you’ll need to score them separately
© 2015 Jayson Gaddis. All rights reserved.
Total fighting score:
Get upset, but I remain pretty calm and want to talk it out
React, but I don’t act on anything. I work with myself quietly.
Am able to call a time-out and go figure out what’s going on with me
Don’t blame my partner, I look at my part
Initiate a repair as often as I am able
After I’m calm, I make absolutely certain my partner feels understood before we move
on to anything elseon to anything else
Am willing and able to stay up all night to work through it
Hire a professional to help me through it if I’m stuck
Read and devour books and online materials on the subject because I want to learn
Feel secure enough to talk openly about my relationship challenges with more than one
friend to get feedback and support
When a disagreement, fight, or conflict happens in my relationship, I
Total fighting score:
Get passive and freeze
Get quiet and it’s hard to talk
Shut down
Upset my partner because he/she can’t stand my silence
Can take days to come back around
Tend to withdraw inward and it’s very hard to come out
Don’t feel safe and don’t know what to do about itDon’t feel safe and don’t know what to do about it
Struggle to repair first. Typically it’s my partner that wants to talk it out
Don’t reach out for help
Forget to resolve it or repair it
When a disagreement, fight, or conflict happens in my relationship, I
60-100 = you could use a chill pill and learn some tools to relax. If you don’t learn how to chill, you will end the relationship and go repeat it with someone else. 30-60 = you get upset enough that you’re not helping your partner feel safe0-30 = Good job, you are not making things worse. And, fighting isn’t your style.
60-100 You are well on your way to having great relationships for the rest of your life30-60 You are going to have good relationships. 0-30 You’ve got some work to do, but at least you are open to it. And, you’ve got a lot to learn if you want great relationships.
© 2015 Jayson Gaddis. All rights reserved.
60-100 = you have a super sensitive nervous system when it comes to conflict and if you don’t learn to work with this, you’re partner will probably leave you. 30-60 = you are scared of conflict and you are probably willing to work on it0-30 = Good job, you are not making things worse. And, freezing and shutting down isn’t really your style.
60-100 = You are very conflict avoidant. You are great at stuffing conflict, but that energy has to go somewhere so your body will bear the burden and your health will deteriorate. You will do whatever it takes to keep the relationship going which is why you withhold your true feelings for fear of losing your partner.30-60 = you are scared of conflict and yet, you are probably willing to work on it0-30 = Good job, you are not making things worse. And, flighting and running way isn’t your style.
As you see, each style responds differently to conflict based on our history and our nervous system. It’s great to be able to know what conflict style you are, so you can share this with your partner. Educate them on your style. Have fun with this and share notes!
Okay, here’s the breakdown based on each style.