80/20 Dating Guide

80% of the dating results in 20% of the time...

By Stephen NashFOUNDER, LIFESTYLE ARTS

“80/20” Dating Guideby

Stephen Nash

(c) Lifestyle Arts & Cutting Edge Image Consultants, 2015

For more, go to:

Website: Lifestyle-Arts.comFacebook: Facebook.com/LifestyleArtsForMen

Twitter: @stephennash

8020 DatingMeet Better Women For You In 20% Of The Time

Ever feel this way?

You wake up in the morning, and realize that much of your life is a grind, a slog, a real-life Sisyphus pushing the proverbial rock up the mountain?

You want to be lazy, you want to do nothing, you want to…chill for day.

And yet, life calls: your work, your career, your friends, the gym, your family, that wedding, that party, that benefit…

That GIRL.

So we rise and shine, put our best foot forward and dive into the day, convinced that all this output is necessary for what we want in life.

And yet, do we ever get anywhere? Do we ever “arrive”?

This is why when we hear the 80/20 principle, we’re seduced. We know it’s true, and yet, we can’t seem to unlock it.

To be sure we’re on the same page, the 80/20 principle (aka the Pareto principle), states that, for many events, roughly 80% of the effects come from 20% of the causes.

(BTW - because I’m feeling a bit lazy today, I lifted that straight from Wikipedia…)

In other words, 80% of the results in life come from 20% of the work. 80% of what “happens” comes from 20% of what “we do”.

Which means that 80% of what “we do” leads nowhere, gets us nothing, and evaporates into the ether.

What is our most powerful resource?

~ Not food, as we can grow more of it ~ Not water, as more of it is always on the way in the form of rain ~ Not money, because you can always make more of it

Your most powerful resource is TIME. Quite obviously, we each have a limited supply of it, and to waste it, is to never see it ever return to us again.

Once used, it’s gone. Our most precious non-renewable resource.

So, easily one of the BEST ways for a guy like me (dating and lifestyle coach) to help a guy like you (a guy looking to improve his dating life, right?) is to nail down some specific points as to where you can maximize your time for the largest return on your investment of this precious time.

In other words, how to apply to 80/20 rule to your dating life so you can only do those things which bring a result and eliminate all the other busyness.

This little essay then focuses on just those essentials.

Do these things, eliminate everything else, and find yourself with some free time to play skeeball, go hiking, learn Mandarin and take in a matinee.

(BTW - doesn’t going to a matinee, say, on a Tuesday afternoon sound like just the best idea ever?? But I digress…)

I’m assuming your goal here is to get a girlfriend, or to at least to meet women who are really more suited to you, who come somewhat pre-qualified for a relationship so that you never find yourself seated across from a woman on a first date who you immediately know you aren’t interested in (the worst feeling ever).

So, I’m going to couch everything here under the header of “meeting better women for you” which means looking at how you physically meet them for the first time, to setting up the first date, to what to do on the first date.

This is the full definition of the word “meeting” that I’m operating on here, OK? From the first physical meeting through the end of the first date. By the end of the first date, you should know if you want to see her again or not.

And if you don’t, you don’t contact her, you don’t reach out to her in guilt (but, she’s my sister’s coworker, I have to go out with her again!), you feel absolutely nothing but joy at having cut the cord and moved onto the next one.

Got it? OK, here we go:

The Physical Meet

There are three ways to physically “meet” a new woman, three roads by which she can eventually find herself seated across from you, on a first date, talking, communicating, flirting and engaging.

Those are:

~You approach her ~You meet via social circle ~Online Dating

Lets briefly cover each, and discuss exactly what to do and what to stop doing today and never do again to leverage the 80/20 rule.

Approaching

First, never go out on the town with the sole purpose of meeting women. This is a HUGE waste of time. Doing anything in the direction of “pick-up” is a huge mistake and will never, ever, ever bear fruit.

Don’t do it. Anytime you put meeting women at the top of your “to do” list, you’ve prioritized your life wrongly. Instead of that, put something truly fulfilling and controllable at the top.

(For more on that, check out my blog and search for “purpose” or “mission”, and definitely read this article here - but not before you finish this first!)

Instead, build a lifestyle and social circle which BRING women to you - naturally (more on that in a sec).

But, if you’re out and about, living your life, standing in line at the post office, working away at a cafe, or shopping for dog food - you SHOULD approach that beautiful woman standing/working/shopping nearby, if you want to meet her.

Every guy needs the skill of approaching a woman - it’s freeing, it builds confidence and often enough, leads to a first date.

Now, the bulk of the women you meet will come via lifestyle and social circle, but if you’re at “Bed, Bath & Beyond” updating your towel supply, and you see a smoking hot woman updating her own linens…well then, it’s time to approach.

When you do, don’t fuck around with any “indirect” BS. 90% of the time it doesn’t ever fool anyone and to become one of the 10% you have to spend a lot of TIME perfecting the skills - which, as we know, doesn’t obey our 80/20 model.

That time is not coming back, and you have much more important things to do.

Here’s exactly what you say:

“Excuse me, but I noticed from across the linens aisle, and I had to risk complete embarrassment to meet you, my name is _____”

You smile while saying this and stick your hand out to greet her. She will then usually say the following:

“What did you notice?”

To which you will reply any sort of compliment which has nothing to do with her genetics (tits, ass, legs etc) and everything to do about her (her fashion sense, taste in linens, cool bag, laugh etc).

Guess what? Now you are in a conversation and wasted zero time doing it.

If she’s really attracted to you, you could ask her if she thinks Martians are running the world, and it wouldn’t matter - she’s going to give you her number (well, that example might be a slight exaggeration).

But, you get my point, right?

Very often, if you’ve got your life handled and understand the basics of lifestyle design, personal style, grooming and body language, it won’t matter what you say or even how you say it…

What matters is if you approach or not. You chat for 3-5 minutes, and get her number (always go for the number, even if she most certainly hates you - it’s good practice), buy your towels, and move along.

That is the only approach you really need to do. There are other ways/styles, but this is the most efficient.

One other thing, the reason I give you the exact words to use, is so that you waste no time hesitating on the approach.

You know what to say, now go and say it. If you wait for longer than 3 seconds, you’re likely in your head trying to come up with something better to say.

You won’t. So, just make your move and get on with your day, OK?

Onward!

You meet via social circle

I don’t believe in chasing women, ever: it’s a bad setup for a guy who is in his natural element as a leader (as I believe most men are).

Rather, I believe in creating conditions which cause women - and lots and lots and lots of them - to come TO you.

You tell me - what’s a better strategy:

Go out night after night approaching one woman after another…(the door-to-door salesman approach)

Or,

Create a vital, enlivened, FUN lifestyle which naturally brings women TO you without doing much work at all (passive stream of women approach).

The latter is smarter, of course.

What’s surprising is that I meet a lot of guys who WANT to learn how to approach women not knowing that it’s a fools game, that it rarely works, and that those women are naturally meeting cool guys ALL THE TIME via their own social circle and lifestyle, i.e. the 98% game.

(Scan my blog or read my book to learn about the 98% game)

What this usually boils down to is being the guy who steps up as the leader and creates killer outings for he and his friends and/or throwing interesting events/parties that bring people into his circle.

Try this:

List out your social circle and identify your closest friends. Then, determine who has the next birthday in your crew. Decide to throw them a birthday party (surprise!) at your own home, or theirs, or someone else who has a cool pad.

Hopefully, this can take place at your home, but if not - don’t sweat it.

Then, begin to put this event in place, by figuring out the basics such as food, drink, date, time, and invite list.

What you will find is that most/all of this person’s friends will come to the party (after all, it’s his/her birthday) and YOU will be the guy at the center of it (sneaky devil!).

The honoree will likely thank you publicly, you will be able to approach anyone you want with the second best opener in the world:

“Are you ladies enjoying yourselves? If there’s anything I can get you, let me know, OK?”

Being the host opens every door imaginable, without you needing to resort to any tactic at all.

If no one is having a birthday soon, throw a dinner party, throw an Oscar party, throw an Easter egg hunt in your back yard…just be creative, make something FUN and host it.

If it’s on your turf (your home), that’s even better because the women will see how awesome your home is (and it is, right?) and this will magnify the great impression that you’re already forming on them (which you are, right?).

You become “the catch” and all the single girls will be asking about “who’s that cool/cute guy who hosted the party?”

You’ll be “in” while doing something you should be doing anyway, having fun while providing an awesome time for other people.

Win-Win-Win-Win

And all for little time and expense.

Online dating

It’s all about the pics…

Yours and HERS.

For your pics, you need at least 3 GREAT ones and only add more than 3 if they are GREAT (all caps means my fingers are screaming as I type this…sort of).

One of these should be of your face, one should be of you in conversation with another (either talking, or better yet - listening) and the third should be of you in action (skydiving, hiking, swimming….whatever you love doing).

If you have other pics that are truly awesome, and that must be verified by someone else - your best friend, for ex, post those too.

If you don’t know, simply post the pics to Facebook and ASK people if you should add them to your online profile. This helps save you from yourself, it helps diffuse pride (the worst of all sins) and puts “out there” that you’re dating.

Win-Win-Win

So, you’ve got 3 great pics up there, and maybe even more. 3 is the minimum.

Now, about her pics…

If she doesn’t have them on her profile - that MIGHT be a good thing. Often times, very attractive women don’t put pics up to help screen out guys who are only looking at her beauty.

OR, she might not be attractive.

So, here’s the rule. You definitely email women without pics (and those with pics too amigo), but if they don’t send you one by the second email, you don’t email her again.

Here’s how that might look.

You send her your initial email which expresses preliminary interest. She replies and opens the chain for communication.

In your second email - ASK TO SEE A PICTURE. And if she doesn’t send one back, and instead gabs on about her day, her brother’s horse farm, how she dropped her cellphone…drop it and don’t respond again.

Hot women know the game (so to speak) and “get” why you want to see her photo. It’s a sign of self-esteem, and that you’re not going to waste your valuable time chatting up someone who isn’t for real.

So, don’t ask in the first email (as that’s a bit pushy), but ask in the second one (highly reasonable).

Next, you only look at the dating website (Match, OK Cupid and eHarmony are the best) 2x/week and for only 1 hour at a time. The rest of your life should be spent living and not for wasting doing the “deep dive” into the match.com ether.

Finally, the first “date” from an online connection is NOT A DATE (again, my fingers are screaming as I type here).

Since you’ve never met and have no real idea who this woman is, it’s not a date. Once you meet that first time and THEN decide to see each other again AFTER having met IRL, it’s a date.

Too often I see guys setting up swanky dinner dates with women they’ve never met in person before, and then spending $100 and up on dinner for someone they’d never want to be with.

Bad move.

Soooo….

That first “meet” should be for no more than an hour, should not cost over $15 and should be somewhere very, very, very convenient for you.

My usual setup ran something like this:

“I’ve got a dinner meeting near Gramercy Park, but would be happy to grab dessert at City Bakery at around 8pm before I have to head home. This way, we can spend a little time meeting each other in real life, and confirm that neither of us is from another planet”

Here’s something you might NOT know - women are freaked out a bit by online dating too. So, she will likely appreciate that you create a super easy and stress free way to meet for that first time.

She “gets it” and has probably been on a few lame 2-hour meals with guys she’d never spend time with under more normal circumstances too.

So, acknowledge it right from the outset. You build trust and show her that you have self-esteem and value your time and hers.

And if she doesn’t like it? NEXT!

Setting up the first date

If you do approach a woman in BB&B or are setup up with her after that awesome birthday party you hosted for your best pal Brian, here’s the best way to setup the first date.

If you start out on text, you only text 3x before you speak by phone, where you then setup a date or;

Better yet, DON’T text from the outset, call her and go directly for the date. Sure, it’s fine and normal to have some chit/chat of course. But, don’t spend longer than 15 minutes on the phone and CLOSE at the end of it.

If she balks, or doesn’t respond….NEXT.

Women know the deal, she knows that this is about DATING. And if we’re not moving towards a date, we’re not moving at all.

You aren’t going to spend time on the phone building a connection with someone who isn’t mutually and similarly invested.

So, you want to spend as little time as possible setting up the first date, because that is what we’re doing here - DATING.

Then, and only then, does anything real begin to materialize.

My first conversation with my now wife lasted 13 minutes on the phone. I had initially called her and left a voicemail wherein I ASKED HER OUT IN THE MESSAGE.

She called back a few hours later, we chatted a bit, and setup the date.

She was interested as was I. We both knew it and we confident and healthy enough to schedule the date.

We are now happily married. Great relationships don’t stumble out of the gate (99.9% of the time), so if there’s any “stumble” at all - it’s a red flag. These often look and sound like this:

“Well, I’m busy all next week, but let’s talk again in a week and schedule a time”

“Yeah, I’m interested, let me get back to you once my schedule settles down and let you know a good time”;

Or, the rather common flake just before the date:

“I’m so sorry, but something came up at work and I can’t make it, give me a call next week and let me know if you’re free then and we can reschedule”

These are all stumbles, at which point I take all the tennis balls and put them into her court, and focus elsewhere. This usually sounds like this:

“No problem - once your schedule gets clear, call me and give me a few times that work for you and we’ll see about rescheduling. Have an awesome week!”

I’m positive, upbeat and happy. Why? I’ve just dropped her and am moving onto other women who are available and interested. My search has just been simplified and my time saved.

Whew.

2 Vital “Firsts”

Since you have read this far, I want to give you even more value here because I love over-delivering by helping guys become more effective with women…it’s my passion.

So, before I send you on your merry way, let me cover a few additional important time-saving points to help you even more in your search for great women.

~The first date~The first kiss

For the first date, your goal by the end of it is to be able to - with 100% conviction - “know” if you’re ATTRACTED to her.

You might not know if you want to have a relationship with her, but you should know without any doubt at all if you’re indeed attracted to her.

After a first date, a woman will either become MORE attracted to us or less…we want the former.

You should already know if she is physically attractive before you even agree to spend a second with her. Don’t ever go on a date with a woman who you “might” be physically attracted to.

As a buddy of mine says, it’s either “Fuck yes, or no” - period.

So, on the first date, you want to see as much of her as possible. The way we do this is we setup the date with two VERY different activities, both of which we definitely dig.

~The first should be interactive~The second should be communicative

The interactive one might be a photography exhibit (if YOU are interested in photography), a tour of Little Italy (if you live in NYC and are really interested in Little Italy) or to an arcade for a “battle to the death over Ms. Pac Man” (is that game still out there?? Probably not).

You get the idea here right?

This should be something fun and interactive which breaks the ice, and that brings her into YOUR world so that you can see if she’s down with it, or not (and so that she can quickly see who you are too).

No time wasted, all cards on the table.

Then, you take her to a cool restaurant - which is also a “personal favorite” - and find out if you can carry on a great conversation.

I also observe how kind and considerate she is with the wait staff, that’s a biggie for me.

If the conversation isn’t great, or if she’s rude to the wait staff, or if you find yourself even remotely bored, disinterested or checking your watch - you part ways and wish her well.

If it is rocking, then you must go for the first kiss….

That first kiss better kick ass in order for you to see her again…right?

I suggest you plan for this in advance - think about the where BEFORE it happens so you’re ready and know exactly what to do.

I used to take women to a cozy Spanish restaurant on the lower west side of Manhattan. It just happened to be near a public pier overlooking the Hudson where there was docked an old light boat.

I would tell her during dinner about this place and that we should swing by there before saying good night. She just had to see it and there were plenty of cabs nearby (all of this is true btw).

We’d skip dessert in the restaurant, and grab an ice cream along the way (2 blocks away btw).

We’d head out to the light boat, as by now she’s digging me and I her (note - if the date didn’t rock, we never went to the lightboat…got it?). I show her something amazing, the light boat, and then I give her a smooch on the boat, under the moonlight.

(Note: to learn my awesome first “kiss test”, click here AFTER you finish this, OK?)

Now this amazing setup might not be specifically available to you - but something is. Just be sure to think ahead and plan for it.

This way, there is less fumbling around allowing you to relax and, as important, HER to relax.

The keys here are to do it at the end of the date, somewhere private (even if in the taxi, that’s fine) and where you can do more than just a peck on the lips. You want a real kiss here, you want to see if she’s feeling what you’re feeling.

If she digs you, she will be excited and ready for the kiss. If not, she will balk in some way, or pull back. This is usually a red flag.

If you leave that first date clearly attracted to her, having confirmed her attraction to you by way of an awesome kiss…you’re golden my man.

You’ve got yourself someone to definitely follow-up with, who has shown you that she’s got the goods for you and your world.

My final tip would be to CALL her the next day. If you’re really into her, let her know. Don’t mess around and wait, trying to play hard to get…

We’re men here, and we don’t feign affection nor play games. That shit’s for kids and PUAs. Let her know and set up that next date.

And then…get back to your amazing life.

…

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Thanks for downloading this, and stand by for more awesome stuff from me!

Until then -

Stephen Nash.

* * * * * * *

Stephen Nash is a dating coach based in New York City and San Diego, and the author of “How to Get a Girlfriend”. He was featured in Neil Strauss’ book “The Game” as Playboy. He is happily married, travels the world, produces an annual performing arts festival, and works with clients from around the world to become more successful with women and dating.

To learn more, visit his website: Lifestyle-Arts.com