8.2 Picasso Finger Painting

PICASSO FINGER PAINTING - SERIES 8 EPISODE 2

By TONY JORDAN TRANSCRIPT: A.B.

ADRIAN LESTER - MICKY STONE

ROBERT GLENISTER - ASH MORGAN

MATT DI ANGELO - SEAN KENNEDY

KELLY ADAMS - EMMA KENNEDY

ROBERT VAUGHN - ALBERT STROLLER

ROB JARVIS - EDDIE

INT. DESERTED WAREHOUSE - AFTERNOON

FADE IN.

We’re in a warehouse, but it’s a blurred b/g. Focus on ASH’s

face. He’s staring straight into the camera.

ASH

You know, one of the downsides to a

life of crime is that occasionally

you have to do business with people

who are, um...Well, for want of a

better word, criminals.

And the camera suddenly rotates to reveal ASH hanging upside

down from a rope tied around his ankles.

ASH (CONT’D)

Like most things that end with you

hanging upside down in a deserted

warehouse, it started with a really

good idea.

Slide to:

EXT. LONDON CITY - MORNING

CLOSE UP of a newspaper, headline reading ’Picasso Painting

Stolen from Private Collection’.

MICKY

"A Small Cat In the Garden was

painted by Pablo Picasso in 1903,

in what was known as is blue

period. It measures 12 inches by 11

inches and was stolen from a

private collection in the early

hours of Sunday morning."

We have been zooming backwards from the headline to reveal

EMMA, ASH, ALBERT, SEAN and MICKY - who was reading out the

headline - sat on a bench in a quiet town square.

ALBERT

Mmmmm...Value?

MICKY

It’s been insured for three

million.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 2.

SEAN

Wow.

MICKY

"Police say the gang was clearly

experienced and well informed."

ASH

Meaning it was stolen to order.

MICKY

No question.

ALBERT

Is Mad Dolly still around?

MICKY

My thoughts exactly.

EMMA

Dolly Hammond, she’s the best

Picasso forger in London. She’s

alright, but she’s just a

bit...erm...

ALBERT

Unique.

ASH

Yeah, she’s a bit different, you

know.

MICKY

Insane.

ASH

Yeah. No, she’s a lovely old bird

really, but, erm...she used to have

the hots for Albie.

SEAN

Why would we need someone to forge

a painting that’s already been

stolen?

MICKY

Well, because now it’s theft has

already been reported.

SEAN

Collectors will believe you if you

tell ’em you’re trying to sell it.

It’s brilliant.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 3.

MICKY

Yes, it is.

ASH

Yes, it is.

EMMA

As always.

Slide to:


ASH - still tied upside down, hanging from the roof like a

bat.

ASH

Well, potentially brilliant.

Depending on who you try and sell

the fake to. And here’s a little

tip should you ever find yourself

trying to flog a fake Picasso...

Zoom quickly to ASH’s face.

ASH (CONT’D)

Don’t try and sell it to the bloke

who the original was nicked from in

the first place.

Then;

A gorgeous blue car drives into the warehouse, it’s engine

blaring as it screeches round the corner and stops next to

ASH.

ASH (CONT’D)

Aye-aye. Here come the cavalry.

EMMA belts out of the passenger seat, SEAN from the drivers

and MICKY and ALBERT from the back seats.

SEAN

Ash!

SEAN sprints over to a nearby roof stand, which has the

other end of the rope tied around the base. SEAN pulls the

rope over and over again and eventually loosens the knot. He

unravels the knot.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 4.

EMMA

Gently, Sean, gently!

ASH

Oooooh!

He is slowly lowered to the ground for SEAN is letting down

the rope gradually.

ALBERT

Where’s Micky?

ASH

They pulled a gun on us. Petre

Sava’s men have taken him.

ALBERT

What happened?

ASH

Well, it’s a very long story, but

the upshot is the original was

nicked from him in the first place.

He wasn’t happy at us telling him

it was us who nicked it, and then

trying to sell him a fake back

instead of the real thing.

INT. PETRE SAVA’S HOUSE - MORNING

An exhibition room. White walls and ceiling with many

different framed paintings of Pablo Picasso, A Small Cat in

the Garden in the center on it’s own white stand.

Standing around the painting are MICKY, ASH and a man in a

blue blazer with a rough beard, and a taller bloke with a

grey blazer and matching trousers.

The man with the beard (PETRE SAVA) picks up the painting in

disgust.

The taller man brings out a gun and holds it to ASH and

MICKY.

They both raise their hands in the air.

There’s a gap on the wall.

Both ASH and MICKY look at the camera with a

well-that-didn’t-work expression.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 5.

PETRE SAVA

This is NOT Picasso! This is not my

painting!

Slow motion.

PETRE smashing the painting against the stand in anger.

Slide to:


ASH

So Petre Sava is holding on to

Micky till we deliver the real

Picasso back to him.

EMMA

We haven’t got the real one.

ASH

No, I did mention that, and we

argued for a bit, then he

threatened a level of physical

violence I wasn’t comfortable with,

so I backed down.

INT. CAR PARK - AFTERNOON

ASH (V.O)

He’s given us six hours to find it.

An almost empty car park level with only a few cars parked

here and there.

A cars headlights shine into view and a car drives into the

car park and turns to a halt.

Three men step out of the car - all wearing business suits -

and one of them pulls out MICKY who’s been gagged.

One of the men smiles as he opens the boot of one of the

cars. The two other men are dragging him forward.

He is thrown into the boot of the car.

6.


SEAN

So what happens if we can’t find

the real painting?

ASH

Oh, he was very specific about

that. Micky’s a dead man.

They all look down. They don’t know what to do.


MICKY is in the car - still gagged - with the men looking

down at him.

They smile, and slam the boot door down.

OPENING TITLES.

EXT. LONDON CITY - AFTERNOON

ASH is in a square of buildings. He walks forward to a man

and shakes hands. Speaking indistinctly.

CUT TO:

SEAN walks forward to a man, too, and gives him a pat on the

back. They speak indistinctly.

INT. EDDIE’S BAR - AFTERNOON

EMMA is sat alone in the booth, amongst many different

newspapers. She’s ruffling her way through them.

EXT. LONDON CITY - BRDIGE - AFTERNOON

ALBERT is walking along a bridge. He takes the phone away

from his ear and strikes the air in frustration. He leans on

the railings, looking onto the water.

Fade to:

7.


EMMA now sat without the newspapers in the booth, looking

into the distance, lost in thought.

ASH fades in and fades out. He fades in and sits down.

SEAN fades in and fades out. He fades in and sits down.

ALBERT fades in and fades out. He fades in and sits down.

EMMA

So no-one’s got anything? (pause)

But that’s impossible.

ASH

Well, it’s not a local crew.

Someone would know if it was.

ALBERT

By now the real painting could’ve

been shipped out of the country.

EMMA

Yeah but come on, it’s weird that

no-one’s heard anything.

ASH

Or if they have, they don’t want to

share it.

SEAN

What about that Dolly the forger?

Would she know? Well, if she’s a

Picasso freak, she might have heard

something.

ASH

Well I suppose...

EMMA

Yeah. Yeah, yeah it’s worth a try.

ALBERT

Let’s do it.

INT. DOLLY’S HOUSE - AFTERNOON

DOLLY - a mad woman in her sixties/seventies; fuzzy ginger

hair with pale looking skin; she’s wearing a vintage blue

dress.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 8.

Her house looks like an art studio. Paint pallets in every

direction; finished and unfinished paintings dotted about.

The entire room is full of old fashioned lamps and

ornaments. Her house certainly reflects her personality -

insane.

DOLLY

Can’t find a decent thief these

days, they’re all gangsters,

they’ve got no class. Not like you,

Albert.

She’s carrying in a tray of drinks. She walks through an

enormous photo frame.

ALBERT

(politely)

Thank you, Dolly.

DOLLY

I’d string ’em all up. By the

testicles. Leave them there for the

crows to pick at.

EMMA turns to what she thought was a sleeping cat. She

strokes it and realizes it is in fact stuffed. She turns

away awkwardly.

DOLLY (CONT’D)

Feed what’s left to the pigs, like

we used to.

ASH

So you’ve no idea who stole the

Picasso, Dolly?

DOLLY

(handing out the drinks)

What Picasso?

ASH

A Small Cat In The Garden.

DOLLY

You’ve had your copy, I’ve already

done it.

ASH

No, no, I’m talking about the real

one.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 9.

DOLLY

(about SEAN)

He’s cute.

SEAN smiles awkwardly.

ASH

Dolly, the painting, have you any

idea who nicked it?

DOLLY

How would I know that?

ASH

Has no-one said anything to you?

DOLLY

Who?

ASH

Anyone.

DOLLY

Said what?

ASH

About the painting.

DOLLY

What painting?

ASH

The Picasso.

DOLLY

I don’t know who nicked it.

ASH

Well, that’s what I’m asking,

innit?

DOLLY

I’ve told you.

EMMA goes to pick up one of the drinks.

DOLLY (CONT’D)

Who are YOU?

EMMA

...Oh, I’m Emma.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 10.

DOLLY

What are you doing in my house?

EMMA

I’m with Albert.

DOLLY

(to ALBERT)

This your floozy, is it?

ALBERT

No, no, no, no. You’re the only

woman for me, Dolly.

DOLLY

Ohhh! (to EMMA) Aah...unlucky.

EMMA smiles, ’it’s fine’.

ASH

Dolly, do you know anything at all

about the painting? Anything that

might help us find out who nicked

it? I mean, was there someone who

really liked it? A private

collector? Or did someone try and

buy it before and failed? Anything.

DOLLY

I know where every Picasso in

London is.

(pause)

I can smell them.

(long pause)

Except this one.

They all sigh.

ASH

Dolly, look, is there any way you

can track it down, you know?

SEAN

What’s the word on the street?

DOLLY

Do I look like Huggy Bear?

ASH

Dolly! We need to find it.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 11.

DOLLY

I’ll see what I can do, if...

(points to ALBERT)

he sings to me, and...

(points to SEAN)

he snogs me.

SEAN’s face instantly drops.

ALBERT

(singing)

Hello Dolly, well, Hello Dolly.

It’s so nice to have you back where

you belong!

She laughs as ALBERT takes her hands.

Now, all the attention is on SEAN. They all turn to him.

SEAN

Oh...no.

He clears his throat. He won’t do it.

She stands, and walks over to him.

Sinister music.

SEAN (CONT’D)

No. Forget it. It’s...it’s not

happening.

Jaws music.

EMMA

Sean, think about Micky.

SEAN

Forget Micky.

EMMA

Do it.

SEAN

I don’t want to.

EMMA

Sean.

He looks at DOLLY. She is on her knees, and her lips are

tightened together, leaning over to SEAN.

Jaws music gets more faster. She leans closer.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 12.

He takes a deep breath. And kisses her quickly.

But before he can lean back, DOLLY grabs his head and pulls

it to her lips. A long, 5 second kiss!!!

SEAN whimpers, clutching EMMA’s arm. They all smile to

themselves.

She lets go of him.

DOLLY

Naughty!

She chuckles and gets back up, leaving SEAN with a large

lipstick mark on his own lips. He’s shell shocked.

Back to casual music.

ASH

Well?

DOLLY

Erm...well, I should know in a

couple of hours. Send him.

SEAN sighs. They all get up, walk through the portrait frame

and out of the room. Before ALBERT does, he blows her a

kiss. She blows him one back, too.


The car park level. Only one car in shot. The silver car

MICKY’s in.

INT. SILVER CAR - AFTERNOON

MICKY is curled up inside, a piece of tape stuck over his

mouth. He’s breathing heavily through his nose.

What to do...

Then, he kicks the boot with his foot. THUMP!

And again.

And once more. Then, the car alarm bleeps into life.

13.


The cars lights are flashing orange, the alarming still

whirring.

But then. Silence. The alarm stops. Somebody has switched it

off.


MICKY sighs, plan failed.

Slide to:


SEAN, EMMA, ASH and ALBERT walking down a large pathway.

ASH

Now, just in case Dolly draws a

blank, we’d better cover all the

angles. Albert, use your police

contacts, see if they’ve got any

leads on the robbery or any idea

who it was.

ALBERT

Right.

ASH

Sean, take the car. See what else

you can find out about Petre Sava.

SEAN

OK.

EMMA

What about us?

ASH

You and me will go and see Cyclops.

Now art’s not really his thing, but

he might have heard something.

INT. CORNER CAFE - AFTERNOON

CYCLOPS - a chubby, scrawny haired man in his forties with

big bulging glasses magnifying his eyes, and an unshaven

face. His blond hair curls down to his shoulders. Generally

scruffy.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 14.

He’s eating a full English, scoffing it into his face

greedily.

CYCLOPS

I’ve got The Dogs Playing Snooker,

if that’s any good to you? It’s a

classic. I used to have The Bird On

The Tennis Court Scratching Her

Bum, but it got stiletto damage in

a domestic dispute. Well, women

don’t really get art, do they?

EMMA

Is that right?

CYCLOPS

Yeah, well-known fact. They’ve not

got no patience for it. That’s why

all the major artists are all men.

Women would never be able to finish

anything. They’d be halfway through

The Laughing Cavalier, then they’d

wander off and start colour-coding

their shoe cupboard.

ASH

Look, can we get back to the matter

in hand?

CYCLOPS

Which was?

ASH

A Small Cat In The Garden. The

stolen Picasso.

CYCLOPS

Oh yeah.

ASH

So who nicked it?

CYCLOPS

Art’s not really my thing.

ASH

I said that, didn’t I?

EMMA

Yeah.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 15.

CYCLOPS

But I heard about it.

ASH

What?

CYCLOPS

I said I heard about it.

ASH

No, no, what did you hear?

CYCLOPS

That it was nicked. You want a

chip?

EMMA

No, thank you.

CYCLOPS

Any chance of a date?

EMMA

None.

CYCLOPS

Sympathy shag? Think of it as

charity work, it’s been a while.

ASH

Look, Cyclops, Micky’s in trouble.

Whatever you know, you need to tell

me.

CYCLOPS

We haven’t haggled yet.

EMMA

What? You’re going to charge us?

CYCLOPS

’Scuse me. This is still a

capitalist society.

EMMA

I thought Micky was your mate.

CYCLOPS

Well, he’s more of an acquaintance,

really. But that said, I’m willing

to make a discount.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 16.

ASH

(digging into his pocket)

How much?

CYCLOPS

Call it a nifty. OK. I can’t tell

if these things are related, but

the day before the Picasso was

nicked, a hardcore jock crew flew

in.

ASH

Scottish?

CYCLOPS

The McCrary brothers. They took

over a house in Westbridge Grove.

Now, all I know about ’em is that

they nick to order, anything you

like, usually upmarket. Paintings,

cars, antiques. I mean they could

be here for something else,

but...It’s worth asking the

question, innit?

They get up from the table and leave CYCLOPS to continue

with his food.

EXT. MCCRARY HOUSE - AFTERNOON

ASH and EMMA jump out of a taxi and cross the road. In front

of them are grand, black gates.

EMMA

OK. What do you think?

ASH

Well, we could knock on the door,

say "Och, aye, the noo," and ask

’em if they’ve just nicked a

Picasso.

EMMA

It’s direct, to the point. But as

we don’t know who they are, I think

it’s a little bit foolhardy.

ASH

Yeah, I know, that’s what I like

about it.

He presses the gate buzzer.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 17.

EMMA

Ash?

Voice from the box, ’Who is it?’

ASH

It’s Ash Morgan. I need to talk to

you about the Picasso you just

nicked.

EMMA

Have you lost your marbles?

ASH

Yeah. We haven’t got a lot of time.

What’s the worst that could happen?

EMMA

They could kill us!

ASH

Yeah, well, then at least Micky

would know we died trying.

The gates slowly grind apart from each other and ASH and

EMMA walk onto the long drive.

The house is quite big, all the exterior chalk white.

A man in jeans and a grey shirt comes from the door and

walks towards them.

He’s bald with a beard, and has a sinister look on him.

ASH takes his hands out of his pocket, thinking the man is

going for him, however he walks past them and onto the

streets.

GERALD MCRARY

You’ve got some bottle.

GERALD - greasy black combed hair. He’s quite tall. He’s

wearing a black top and trousers. Not expecting visitors.

ASH

Yeah, well, needs must, and all of

that.

GERALD MCRARY

Well, in you come, then.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 18.

ASH

That’s very kind, but if it’s all

the same to you, we’ll stay out of

here.

GERALD MCRARY

Fair play.

ASH

Trouble is, a very good friend of

mine is being held by Petre Sava,

the bloke you nicked the Picasso

from. Now, it’s a long story but

now he thinks we’ve got it.

GERALD MCRARY

And why would he think that?

EMMA

Because we told him we did.

ASH

Yeah, we were trying to sell him a

fake.

EMMA

We’re grifters.

ASH

Yeah it’s what we do. We read about

the Picasso being nicked, so we had

a copy made to sell to a private

collector, one who wouldn’t ask too

many questions.

GERALD MCRARY

If they’d read about it being

stolen, they’d believe it was real.

EMMA

Exactly.

ASH

Trouble is, the collector we took

it to was the one you’d nicked it

from.

EMMA

Which he wasn’t very happy about,

as you can imagine.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 19.

GERALD MCRARY

Well, it’s a beautiful story, and I

am getting all misty-eyed, but

what’s this got to do with us?

ASH

Well, err...If you give us the real

Picasso, the one that you nicked

from Sava, we can go and get our

mate back.

GERALD MCRARY

Well, let’s just say that we had

this painting, not that I’m saying

that we do, you understand...But

he’s your friend, not ours. So

what’s in it for us?

ASH

Well, er, to be honest. I haven’t

thought that bit through. What do

you want?

GERALD MCRARY

Don’t want anything.

ASH

Tell you what, 20 grand and I’ll

nick it straight back for you.

GERALD laughs.

GERALD MCRARY

You know, just for the sheer brass

neck of you, I’m tempted to help

you out. And I do love a grifter.

Especially a pretty one. But it’s

already been moved on.

ASH

Where?

GERALD MCRARY

Oh, I can’t tell you that.

ASH

You have to.

GERALD MCRARY

Ash, is it?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 20.

ASH

Yeah.

GERALD MCRARY

Ash...

He walks forward till he’s only a few centimeters away from

ASH himself. He looks into his eyes.

GERALD MCRARY (CONT’D)

I can’t do it, son. We’ve worked

years to build up a reputation

based on complete discretion. I

can’t piss that up the wall for a

couple of grifters. So my lips are

sealed.

ASH

Alright, what if I threatened to

beat it out of you?

GERALD MCRARY

Then I would respect that. And me

and my brother Neil here, would

defend ourselves as best we could,

by ripping your head from the rest

of your body and eating it.

ASH

Fair enough, just asking.

GERALD MCRARY

(smiles)

You have a nice day.

ASH and EMMA turn and walk past the bald brother who peers

down at them with his usual sinister face.


ZOOM BACK to reveal EMMA, SHAUN and ALBERT sat in their

regular booth thinking over the situation. ASH is leaning

against the scarlet wall, deep in thought.

ALBERT

So, looks like we’re back to square

one.

EMMA

No, not exactly, now we know who

stole it.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 21.

ASH

Yeah, but not who for.

EMMA

We still don’t know where it is.

SEAN

Any news from the Old Bill, Albert?

ALBERT

It seems we know more than they do.

EMMA

What if the McCrary brothers

haven’t delivered it yet? We could

just watch the house and wait for

them to make a move, right?

ASH

What if they’re delivering it

tomorrow or next week? We’ve only

got four hours left.

EMMA

What about Petre Sava?

SEAN

Well, I did some digging about,

like you said. Micky was right

about him being a high-end art

collector. His private collection

would rival most European

galleries. The last we knew, he

owned half a dozen nightclubs in

London, se he was bound to be a bit

dodgy.

ASH

Well, that’s a good thing.

SEAN

Yeah. Unti you find out how dodgy.

Human trafficking...

ALBERT

Aah.

SEAN

...Class A drug distribution and a

protection racket that started in

Romania, and has now spread over

eight European cities. We need to

get Micky out of there.

22.


Various shots of London buildings. Birds eye views.

INT. PETRE SAVA’S HOUSE - MORNING

A snooker table. PETRE is at the furthest side. He shoots

and the balls diffuse across the table.

PETRE SAVA

So what did you do with the black

guy?

BOGDAN - the man who smuggled MICKY into the car. His face

looks carved from wood, no expression at all. His eyes are

squinted and he always looks straight ahead.

He slightly speaks with a German accent;

BOGDAN

He’s in the boot of my car.

PETRE SAVA

Can he breathe?

BOGDAN

Sure. At least I think so.

PETRE clicks his fingers and BOGDAN lifts a glass bowl and

brings it over to him.

PETRE SAVA

If they don’t bring me my painting,

you think we should kill him, or

just cut some bits off?

He’s staring at the blank space on his wall. Many other

paintings are nailed to the wall except for that one.

PETRE SAVA (CONT’D)

Or both?

BOGDAN

Both is good.

He takes the cigar from the bowl and smokes it easily.

PETRE SAVA

They don’t cut people up too much

in the West, you know. They don’t

kill them very much, either. They

"beat up". But if you just beat up,

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 23.

PETRE SAVA (cont’d)they get better, they find some

friends, and then they come back.

(smokes) If you cut bits off and

post them to their friends, this

doesn’t happen.

BOGDAN

No. It’s more efficient.

PETRE SAVA

Exactly. So, both it is.

He takes hold of the snooker stick and aims.

PETRE SAVA (CONT’D)

You cut. I kill.

And he smacks it into the ball which sends the others in

different directions.


MICKY’s lying bundled up still.

He’s thinking of what to do.

He starts kicking and shuffling around, trying to swap

sides. He struggles but eventually has his hands aside a

torch lying in the corner of the boot.

He takes it with his tied up hands and presses it on.


EDDIE walks over to the booth with food.

EDDIE

Where’s Micky?

EMMA

He’s being held hostage by a

Romanian gangster who won’t release

him until we find a painting of a

cat in a garden.

EDDIE

(laughing)

Yeah, right, yeah. You crack me up,

you lot. Very vivid imaginations,

as my mum used to say. Mind you,

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 24.

EDDIE (cont’d)probably need them in your line of

work.

ASH

Cheers, Eddie. Look, give us a

couple of minutes, will you? We’re

thinking?

EDDIE

I thought I could hear something

(he chuckles) Oh, you had a phone

call. Nice lady...Molly?

ASH

Dolly.

EDDIE

Dolly. That’s it. She said she’s

got what you want, only you have to

send the cute one, whatever that

means.

They all turn to SEAN, who sighs.

SEAN

No way. Oh...no way.

ASH leans on the table, staring at SEAN.

SEAN (CONT’D)

No...


INTERCUT.

SEAN

...way.

Jazz music in the b/g.

DOLLY

Ta-daa!

In comes DOLLY, dressed in the most ridiculous clothing. The

brightest blue dress your eyes could handle with a long

bandanna wrapped around her forehead, also blue. Insane.

She’s holding two drinks.

She sits cozily next to SEAN.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 25.

DOLLY (CONT’D)

I didn’t know if you liked red or

white, so I brought one of each.

SEAN

Oh.

He takes the white wine and they bring their drinks

together.

Fix on DOLLY’s glass of wine, being placed on the table as

she chuckles childishly.

Blur to:


SEAN is covered in lipstick. His hair is ruffled and messy

and his top button is un-done. He’s staring into nowhere,

shell shocked.

SEAN

It was horrible.

ASH

So, did you actually have to?

SEAN

I don’t want to talk about it.

EMMA

Oh, no of course not.

EMMA walks over and gives him a drink. He drinks it in one.

SEAN

She took her teeth out.

EMMA can’t help smiling, nor ALBERT. ASH snorts out loud.

ALBERT

So, did she say anything at all?

ASH

Take a deep breath, Sean. It might

help to make the...pictures go

away.

He takes a long, deep breath and then begins.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 26.

SEAN

Petre Sava bought A Small Cat In

The Garden by Picasso at an auction

in Kensington. He outbid a private

collector called Matthew Fairchild,

who’s an investment banker, and

happens to be the father of Louise

Fairchild, whose married name is

Holmes.

EMMA

Should we know her.

SEAN

No, but you might’ve heard of her

husband.

ASH

Harry Holmes.

EMMA

THE Harry Holmes.

SEAN

Afraid so.

INT. SNOOKER ROOM - AFTERNOON

Rapping music.

HARRY HOLMES - a swollen-headed, arrogant and swaggering

know-it-all businessman. He’s wearing the most expensive

suit. His hair is perfectly combed and positioned. A cocky,

hot dogging gangster in his forties.

He’s holding a sword.

He’s walking down the snooker room isle. One of the many

snooker boards has a man stretched out, a man holding out

each limb. His shirt’s ripped open.

HARRY walks over to the side of him calmly, smiling.

HARRY HOLMES

It’s alright. It’s alright. Calm

down. Calm down. Now, I understand

you’re not a grass, and I admire

that in a man, I really do.

He lifts the sword and places it across the mans chest.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 27.

HARRY HOLMES (CONT’D)

But I need you to open up for me.

One way...or another.

SNAPSHOT. Black and white.


SEAN

When Harry Holmes found out it was

Petre Sava who beat his

father-in-law to the painting, he

wasn’t happy. It hurt his pride a

bit.

ASH

Yeah, I bet it did. I heard he was

like a dog with two whatsits when

he married into the upper classes.

Apparently he’s always fancied

hunting, shooting and fishing.

EMMA

So the paintings all about

impressing the new in-laws.

ASH

Yeah, seems like it.

SEAN

Then maybe those in-laws are one of

the reasons that Harry hasn’t got

his own hands dirty in order to get

the painting back.

ALBERT

So he paid the McCrary brothers to

steal it for him instead.

SEAN

That’s what Dolly said.

ASH

And you sure that wasn’t just

pillow talk?

EMMA

(sighs at ASH’s comment)

So on one side we’ve got a violent

Eastern European gangster, and on

the other, a homicidal maniac?

SIDE splits into three.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 28.

Middle - normal shot of EMMA speaking.

Left - PETRE SAVA.

Right - HARRY HOLMES.

Both in black and white.

ASH

Yeah that’s about the strength of

it.

SEAN

So what shall we do?

ASH

Sensible thing would be call the

Old Bill, tell ’em what happened

and throw ourselves on their mercy.

EMMA

Yeah, well we’re not going to do

that, right?

ASH

No. Which leaves us with one other

option.

ALBERT

Which is?

ASH

To steal the painting back from

Harry Holmes.

He walks out of shot, leaving the rest of them pondering the

question.


MICKY unscrews the torch and holds onto the bulb and metal

disc. He uses the disc to cut against the rope.

Slide to:


Landscape view.

29.

INT. LOUNGE SUITE - AFTERNOON

ASH walks into the suite where SHAUN, ALBERT and EMMA are

already sat in.

He holds a photo up of a mansion.

ASH

This is the home of Matthew

Fairchild, father-in-law of Harry

Holmes, who paid the McCrary

brothers to steal the Picasso from

Petre Sava.

ZOOM INTO THE IMAGE which brings us to:

EXT. FAIRCHILD MANSION GROUNDS - AFTERNOON

The Fairchild Mansion. A magnificent majestic building with

cream walls and two large chimmery’s spouting from the

shallow roof. The neatness of the shot is apple pie. Well

groomed.

INT. FAIRCHILD MANSION - EXHIBITION GALLERY ROOM - AFTERNOON

A man is placing the painting of the cat on the wall amongst

many other Picasso paintings.

HARRY and his wife, LOUISE, are holding hands, watching from

afar. Their new pride and joy.

LOUISE - a pretty and tasteful woman with blond hair to her

shoulders, in a ruffled white top with white trousers. She

speaks with a precise voice.

LOUISE HOLMES

I still can’t believe you got it

back.

HARRY HOLMES

It’s family, innit?

LOUISE HOLMES

I know someone who’s getting a

special treat later.

They smile together, pleased with their victory.

30.

INT. LOUNGE SUITE - AFTERNOON

ASH, EMMA, SHAUN and ALBERT are spreading different pictures

of the Fairchild Mansion. A front view, back view, ground

plan, birds eye view etc.

ASH

Now, Fairchild’s already a

collector, so the security is a bit

nifty.

EMMA

That’s comforting.

ASH

Yeah, they got CCTV, weight sensor

pads, motion detectors, heat

imaging systems and laser webs.

That’s if you can get past the two

killer dogs in the grounds.

SEAN

I hate dogs.

ASH

Well, luckily, although the systems

state of the art, it was designed

by Fairchild himself.

SEAN

How does that help us?

ASH

Systems like this are only as good

as their design, and he’s made a

very common, but simple mistake.

EMMA

Which is?

ASH

Basically it’s a domestic system,

and like most domestic alarm

systems, it’s designed on the

assumption that a theft would take

place either when the place is

empty or at night under cover of

darkness.

ALBERT

Which means when they’re home

during the day, the alarms are

switched off.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 31.

ASH

Exactly, Albert.

EMMA

Because who would be stupid enough

to beak into a house in broad

daylight when everyone’s at home?

They all look around, each and every one of them knowing

what their all thinking.

Them.


SEAN - bean hat, brown coat and denim jeans, holding a

rucksack - runs across an acre of the grounds up to a tall

hedge.

ASH (V.O)

OK, so this is all about timing.

SEAN opens his bag and takes out a bag of what seems to be

dog food.

ASH (V.O)/(CONT’D)

Everything on cue, like a ballet.

CUT TO:

The dog food thrown over the hedge and landing on the neat

grass on the other side.


Firstly, let’s make sure the dogs

get their sleeping pills.

Two dogs sprint over to the dog food and begin consuming it

viciously.


They’ll last about 20 minutes.

SIDE SPLIT:

Left: ASH and EMMA waiting.

Right: SEAN crawling under the hedge (dogs asleep).

ASH

Three, two, one.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 32.

SEAN

(from walkie talkie)

Dogs are asleep. I’m moving into

position.

Slide to:

EXT. FAIRCHILD MANSION GROUNDS - AFTERNOON (CONT’D)

ASH crouched amongst hedges.

ASH

(to walkie talkie)

Albert, you set?

Slide to:

EXT./INT. ALBERT’S CAR - AFTERNOON

ALBERT

(on the phone)

Ready.


ASH

(to walkie talkie)

Emma? Sean?

Move from ASH and journey past the hedges, around a tree and

up the drive.

EMMA - light brown blazer with the same colour skirt and

hat. She looks showy and spiffy. She has a leather bag on

her right shoulder.

EMMA

(to walkie talkie)

Ready.

Move from this shot - like we did from ASH - and journey

back down the drive, past the tree, past where ASH was

stood, around a statue and arrive at a small patch of grass

where SEAN runs to and crouches down.

SEAN

(to walkie talkie)

Ready.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 33.

ASH (V.O)

(from walkie talkie)

OK.


ASH

(to walkie talkie)

Go!


EMMA is ready and is walking down the drive.

Before she does, police sirens approach her.

She turns around, and notices a police car and black car

heading her way. She hurries over behind the bush and

watches as they park outside the mansion entrance.

Two police officers jump out as well as two detectives from

there black car and walk up to the door.

LOUISE opens the door.

ASH hurries over to EMMA’s side to watch what’s happening.

We watch from afar.

POLICE OFFICER

Hello, madam. We’re investigating a

stolen painting.

LOUISE HOLMES

What are you doing?

POLICE OFFICER

We need to search the property.

They all walk into the house without LOUISE’s offer.

SEAN runs up to ASH and EMMA.

SEAN

What’s going on?

EMMA

I don’t know.

They keep watching. HARRY barges out of the doors.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 34.

HARRY HOLMES

Tell you what, I’ve got your

number, fella! I’ll be straight

onto the station!

EMMA

But I think we should get out of

here.

ASH

Yeah. I’m with you.

SEAN

No, look!

And one of the detectives walks out of the building carrying

A Small Cat in the Garden.

HARRY HOLMES

This is it, I’ve had enough!

ASH

Alright, come on.

And the three of them stand up and hurry away, like they

hadn’t been there in the first place.

POLICE OFFICER

Calm down, OK?

HARRY HOLMES

Don’t you tell me to calm down!


SEAN, EMMA, ASH and ALBERT are stood at the bar.

ALBERT

(on the phone)

Alright, thanks, Nigel, don’t

forget I owe you a big cigar. A

good one? Yeah, thanks, bye, bye.

(switches phone off )

Alright, the police have been

tipped off, they’ve seized the

painting and they’ve arrested Harry

Holmes.

SEAN

Is that good or bad?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 35.

EMMA

Well, it can’t be good, can it?

ASH

No, wait. That’s exactly what it

is.

EMMA

How come?

ASH

If the police have it, Sava was the

rightful owner.

SEAN

They’ll give him back the painting.

EMMA

And he’ll give Micky back.

ASH

Job done. (to EDDIE) Eduardo,

refreshments, please.

ALBERT

(picks up phone)

Hello? Yes, Nigel! I see. Alright,

thanks for taking the time to call

me back, I appreciate it.

(puts the phone down)

They’ve released Harry Holmes.

EMMA

That was quick.

ALBERT

Well, they found the painting in

the house and it was fake.

EMMA

What?!

ASH

That ain’t possible. We know it’s

the original, he had it nicked from

Sava, who bought it at the auction.

EMMA

Yeah, he wouldn’t have kidnapped

Micky and hung Ash upside down if

he’d lost a fake!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 36.

ASH

So if the one Harry had was a fake,

where’s the real one?

EDDIE walks up with a plate of drinks and places them in

front of them gleefully.

EDDIE

Drinks up.

Their all lost in thought, not even noticing EDDIE’s

presence.

EDDIE (CONT’D)

"Oh, thank you very much, Eddie."

"It’s a pleasure to serve you!"

"Would you have one yourself?"

"Yeah, thank you very much, don’t

mind if I do!"

ALBERT

It doesn’t make a lot of sense.

EMMA

No.

EDDIE walks off disgusted.

ASH

Now let’s just think about this for

a minute. We have to assume that

the painting the McCrary brothers

nicked from Petre Sava is the real

Picasso.

EMMA

Agreed.

SEAN

Yeah, but by the time it got to

Harry Holmes and his father-in-law,

it was a fake.

ASH

Exactly.

SEA

So they switched off?

ASH

Must’ve done.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 37.

EMMA

Yeah, it can’t be anything else.

ASH

So, if they passed on a fake to

Harry, they must’ve had another

buyer for the real one. Robbing

bastards.

ALBERT

And the McCrary brothers have the

real painting

ASH

That’s the only thing that makes

sense.

EMMA

Yeah, they must!

SEAN

Or at least know where it is.

EXT. MCCRARY HOUSE - AFTERNOON

The strapping stone house that is the McCrary brothers.

EMMA’s running up to the house.

ASH (V.O)

The gate’s wide open.

EMMA

Oh, we’re too late!

ALBERT, ASH and SEAN come into shot, also checking the

exterior of the house.

SEAN

There’s no sign of life anywhere...

EMMA

No, they’re long gone.

ASH

Well of course they are. I mean, if

you’re just about to stitch up

Harry Holmes, you’re not gonna hang

around where he can find you.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 38.

EMMA

They must have moved out just after

we saw them.

SEAN

They could be back in Glasgow by

now. We’re screwed.

EMMA

No, you mean Micky is.

ASH

No, wait, wait. If you were going

to give Harry Holmes a fake, you’re

not going to risk him spotting it.

It’d have to be near-perfect. So -

where would you go for a

near-perfect copy of a Picasso?


DOLLY

A girl’s got to earn a living!

ASH

But why didn’t you tell us, Dolly?!

DOLLY

Well, I didn’t know there was a

connection!

ASH is stood up - looming over DOLLY - while EMMA and SEAN

are behind the sofa away from DOLLY’s reach, while ALBERT is

sat proudly on the sofa.

ASH

It’s the flaming cat in the wotsit,

the painting we was asking you

about!

DOLLY

Yeah, but I can’t keep track of

everything, I’m not an accountant.

I’m an artist.

ASH

Alright, alright. So...step by

step, right? You did the fake for

the McCrarys, right?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 39.

DOLLY

Maybe.

ASH

Dolly! Stop messing about!

DOLLY

(to SEAN)

Are you going to let him speak to

me like that?

SEAN

Ey?

DOLLY

I thought what we had was special.

SEAN

We didn’t have anything!

DOLLY

You touched my Mabel.

EMMA

What?!

SEAN

Tha-tha-that is what she calls her

ferret.

ALBERT

Ferret?

SEAN

Yeah, she keeps it in the khazi.

DOLLY

I don’t let just anyone touch my

Mabel.

ASH

Dolly!

DOLLY

Yeah, yeah, alright, alright. I

made the McCrarys a fake, and they

said that they’d got a buyer, but

he was a muppet and he’d never know

the difference.

ASH

Yeah, well, that "muppet" is Harry

Holmes.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 40.

DOLLY

...Oh. That’s not good.

ASH

No, it’s not, is it? So I need you

to tell me what the McCrarys were

doing with the real Picasso.

DOLLY

They did say something about a new

buyer.

ASH

Who?

DOLLY

I don’t know.

ASH

Did they say anything at all?

Mention any names?

DOLLY

No.

ASH

OK, right, well, the, er, the

fake...so, when you’d finished it,

did they collect it from here?

DOLLY

No.

ASH

So how did you get it to them?

DOLLY

I had to parcel it up and send it

in a cab.

ASH

Where to?

DOLLY

I don’t remember.

They all sigh in frustration.

ASH

Dolly! This is important.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 41.

DOLLY

Well, look, it’s all this pressure!

I can’t think straight with you all

looking at me!

EMMA

Would it help if we all just looked

away?

DOLLY

Yes. (to SEAN) Except him.

ASH

Oh, come on, Dolly!

DOLLY

Oh...oh! Maybe a gin might do it.

It helps me to relax.

EMMA hurries over and pours out a glass of gin.

ALBERT

What do you have with it?

DOLLY

More gin.

EMMA pours out a little extra in the glass and hands it over

to DOLLY.

DOLLY (CONT’D)

Thank you.

She takes a sip.

Everyone’s looking at her, waiting for an answer.

DOLLY (CONT’D)

It was a hotel.

ASH

Good, which one?

DOLLY

Up west.

EMMA

Name. (pause) Have another one,

have another one!

ASH

She’s no use to us if she passes

out, is she?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 42.

DOLLY

I am here, you know!

SEAN

I could...I could book us a room

while we’re there.

DOLLY

It was the Goodridge on the South

Bank. (they all jump up) See if

they’ve got a four-poster!

They all hurry out of the room, now with the information

they needed.


MICKY is still carving at the rope with the metal cylinder

from the torch he broke apart.

He’s desperate. Not long now.


The silver car drives down the car park and stops outside

the car MICKY is in.


MICKY hears car doors open and plays unconscious.


BOGDAN and PETRE lift the car boot to reveal MICKY curled

up, but not moving.

PETRE SAVA

Is he still alive?

BOGDAN reaches down and hits MICKY hard in the face, who

growls in pain under the piece of sellotape.

BOGDAN

Yes, boss.

PETRE looks down at his watch.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 43.

PETRE SAVA

You know your friend have two hours

to return with my painting. If they

are late, we cut off something

every ten minutes until they get

here. If they are not here in two

hours, we kill whatever is left.

What do you think of that?

BOGDAN

Do you want me to take his gag off?

So he can tell you what he thinks?

PETRE SAVA

No, no. I’m a people person, it was

a rhetorical question, I know what

he thinks.

BOGDAN

You do?

PETRE SAVA

Well, he is thinking he hopes his

friends come before we cut anything

off.

BOGDAN

Oh.

PETRE SAVA

Then, maybe he’s thinking about

what we will cut off, and in what

order. True?

MICKY slowly nods, and BOGDAN slams down the boot of the

car.

INT. GOODRIDGE - RECEPTION - AFTERNOON

ALBERT, SEAN, EMMA and ASH walk into what looks like a

reception. It’s very modern, classy and extensive. A suite

in the corner holds comfy chairs and businessmen and women

are discussing this and that. A swanky reception desk is in

front of them.

EMMA

Do you think they’re still here?

ASH

Albert, do you know the concierge?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 44.

ALBERT

Yes. Anthony...Excuse me for a

moment.

SEAN

I thought Dolly sent the fake

painting here.

EMMA

Yes, because the McCrary brothers

needed a fake to give to Harry

Holmes, not the real one.

SEAN

Which means the real one could be

here?

ASH

Well, there’s only one way to find

out.

ALBERT thanks the man at the desk, and takes away a card.

ALBERT

Right. They’re staying overnight,

they’ve booked a car tomorrow

morning to go to the airport. And

right now, they’re in the bar.

INT. GOODRIDGE - BAR - AFTERNOON

GERALD and his brother at sat at the bar with drinks,

chatting casually.

SEAN, EMMA, ASH and ALBERT are watching from afar.

EMMA

They don’t look like they’ve got

anything with them.

ASH

What room are they in, Albert?

ALBERT

624.

ALBERT hands over the card.

ASH

They’ve seen me and Ems, so we’ll

check the room, you two keep an eye

on ’em, give us a heads up if they

move.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 45.

SEAN

Alright.

INT. GOODRIDGE - CORRIDOR - AFTERNOON

EMMA and ASH hurry down the dark corridor until they get to

the door with the number ’624’ on. ASH swipes the car in the

slit and releases the lock.

INT. GOODRIDGE - ROOM 624 - AFTERNOON

The door opens and EMMA and ASH walk in, looking around

instantly.

EMMA

We haven’t got a lot of time.

ASH

You go that way.

EMMA

Yeah.

ASH runs over to the bed and lifts the duvet, but to no

avail. They keep searching.


SEAN and ALBERT watch from afar as the brothers chat to a

couple of young women.


ASH and EMMA rummage through bags and suitcases etc,

desperate to find the painting.

EMMA

It’s not here.

ASH pushes forward the cushions on the sofa - nothing.

ASH

I’m making a real pig’s ear of

this, aren’t I? All those times

Micky’s bailed us out, and I can’t

even find a painting.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 46.

EMMA

We’ll find it, it’s just a matter

of time.

ASH

Yeah, time we haven’t got. It’s

less than an hour now. D’you know

what? I’d rather get tooled up, go

to Sava’s and take me chances.

EMMA

You can’t do that.

ASH

Yeah, well, I can’t do this either.

EMMA

It’s a setback, but come on, you’re

just as smart as Micky. (pause)

Right. The McCrary brothers are

still downstairs. Let’s just go and

try to talk to them again. We can

get through this. Let’s go.

As she walks away, we see the painting hung up on the wall.

ASH is staring right at it!!!

But he’s lost in thought.

They walk out, and the door slowly closes. ASH sprints back

in before EMMA, staring at the painting they’ve been looking

for, right in front of their eyes.

ASH

Now, that’s clever.

He walks over and lifts it from it’s nail.

EMMA

(ecstatic)

See?! I told you we’d get it!

But ASH is looking over her shoulders. Three figures are

blurred in the b/g.

Unblur to reveal HARRY and three of his men stood behind

him.

HARRY HOLMES

Who the hell are you?

47.


The brothers are still chatting, SEAN and ALBERT still

watching.


ASH and EMMA are sat down now, HARRY looming over them.

HARRY HOLMES

So let me get this straight. Sava

is holding your mate until you

bring him this.

ASH

Yeah.

HARRY HOLMES

And he doesn’t know it was me who

nicked the painting? He thinks it

was you.

(he chuckles)

Sounds like you’re up shit creek

and left the paddle at home,

sunshine. And I...have had a right

result.

He hands the painting to one of his men.


Just tell me one thing. How did you

know it was here?

EMMA

We didn’t. We just found the

McCrarys and hoped for the best.

HARRY HOLMES

Yeah, well those two stitched me

right up. Didn’t just sell me a

moody painting, they made me look

like a right prat in front of my

wife’s family. Where are they?

ASH

No idea, there was no-one in the

room when we got here.

HARRY HOLMES

Alright, seems to me you two

haven’t done me any harm, you’ve

got nothing I need, and you’ve got

enough to worry about. So get out.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 48.

EMMA looks at ASH, who isn’t moving his eyes from HARRY’s.


Go on, sling your hook before I

change my mind.

ASH

(stands)

We can’t do that.

HARRY HOLMES

Oh, yeah?

ASH

No. Without the painting, Petre

Sava’s not gonna let our mate go.

So, I don’t care who you are. I

ain’t leaving without it.

HARRY HOLMES

And that’s your final word?

ASH

Yeah, it is.

INT. GOODRIDGE - CORRIDOR - AFTERNOON

EMMA (V.O)

No, don’t!

ASH is launched backwards from the room door after the sound

of a punch. He falls to the ground with a grunt.

EMMA

(helping him)

Ash. That wasn’t very smart.

INT. GOODRIDGE - RECEPTION - AFTERNOON

SEAN

So have we got a plan B?

ASH is still clutching his stomach.

ASH

Well, it’s more like plan A

revisited.

SEAN

Eh?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 49.

ASH

Harry will take the painting back

to his father-in-law’s like a

conquering hero.

EMMA

And we’ve already got a plan to

steal it back from there.

ALBERT

Clever.

ASH

Yeah, more importantly, we need

Harry back at the house pronto, and

finding the McCrary boys will only

slow him down. So let’s make sure

he has to leave now.

SEAN smiles and walks away.

CUT TO

Fire alarm rings. People look alerted, glancing at each

other and beginning to stand up and leave the building with

guidance form staff.

EMMA and SEAN hurry out, but GERALD catches a quick glimpse

of EMMA as she walks away.

CUT TO:

The lift doors open and HARRY walks out with his men.

He walks into the reception. GERALD turns quickly to the

side and walks away.


Various shots from LONDON CITY.

EXT./INT. ASH’S CAR - AFTERNOON

ASH is at the wheel, ALBERT in the passenger seat.

ASH

Right, like a ballet, remember?

Move to the back of the car, where SEAN and EMMA are sat in

their costumes they wore in SC. 039-041.

ASH, EMMA and SEAN jump out of the car.

50.


SEAN throws the dog food over the tall hedge.

The dogs sprint over and consume it with greedy0 takes.

SEAN checks is watch and crawls under the hedge where the

dogs are fast asleep.


ASH

We all set?


ALBERT

(to walkie talkie)

Ready.


EMMA

(to walkie talkie)

Set.


Journey from EMMA’s destination to SEAN’s in thousands of

snapshots.

SEAN

(to walkie talkie)

I’m ready.


Journey from SEAN’s destination under trees and round the

statue until we stop on ASH.

ASH

(to walkie talkie)

Right. Go.

THREE SCREEN SPLIT.

Top: ALBERT.

Right: EMMA.

51.

Left: SEAN.


HARRY and LOUISE are stood with champagne, gazing at their

new possession in awe.

LOUISE HOLMES

And you’re sure it’s definitely the

real one this time?

HARRY HOLMES

Oh, yeah.

LOUISE HOLMES

Ooh, I love you so much, I could

burst.

The doorbell rings and LOUISE sighs. She puts down her glass

and walks out.

INT. FAIRCHILD MANSION - HALL WAY - AFTERNOON

One of her maids is hurrying down the stairs to answer the

door.

LOUISE HOLMES

I’ll get it.

She opens the door. Standing at her doorstep is EMMA,

dressed in her hat, blazer and skirt look.

She speaks with a posh accent.

EMMA

Hello, I’m really sorry, buy my

Bobby has just run into your

garden.

LOUISE HOLMES

Bobby?

EMMA

He’s a white Bichon Frise.

LOUISE HOLMES

Oh...

EMMA

Only I was worried encase you had

dogs.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 52.

LOUISE HOLMES

We do!

EMMA

Oh. No. Um...

EMMA hurries down the steps and off into their gardens.

EMMA (V.O)

Bobby! Darling, come on!

LOUISE HOLMES

Wait.


HARRY is stood in front of the painting.

LOUISE HOLMES (V.O)

I’ll come with you!


Through binoculars.

EMMA and LOUISE call out in search for the dog.

The binoculars turn to the windows of the room HARRY is in.

He’s by the window, but his back is turned.

SEAN lowers the binoculars and takes out his walkie talkie.

SEAN

(to walkie talkie)

OK, two in the viewing room.


SEAN (V.O)

Time to split them up.

ALBERT is dialing a number on his phone.


A phone rings.

53.


Through binoculars.

EMMA is still calling, "Bobby!" "Bobby!".


A man picks up the ringing phone.

MATTHEW

Hello? Fairchild.


ALBERT

(on phone)

Paul Holland from New York.


ASH (V.O)

We met at an awful meet and greet

in London last month.


ASH

(on phone)

You do remember?


LOUISE HOLMES

We’ve been through here twice

before.

SEAN is watching from afar behind a bush wall.

EMMA

He could be under any of these

bushes. Bobby!

She calls out repeatedly as SEAN runs over to another angle

and looks in his binoculars.

Through binoculars.

HARRY is stood in the gallery still.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 54.

SEAN lowers his binoculars.

SEAN

(to walkie talkie)

OK, Ash, one left over.


ASH hurries over to HARRY’s car and starts the alarm by

jumping on the bonnet.


HARRY hears the car alarm and walks out.


Through binoculars.

HARRY walks out from view from the window.

SEAN lowers binoculars.

SEAN

(to walkie talkie)

OK, Ash, good to go, mate.


HARRY walks over to his flashing and bleeping car. He takes

out his keys and switches off the alarm.


EMMA

There!

LOUISE HOLMES

What?

EMMA

I heard something! This way! Bobby!

LOUISE sighs.

55.


HARRY inspects his car for any damage.

In the b/g, ASH sprints past and through the open doors of

the house.


ASH hurries into the hall, checking he’s not being watched.

The man on the phone is stood a few feet away from him.

ASH slowly closes the door that connects the two sections of

the hallway.

MATTHEW

Yes. Uh-huh. Yes.

ASH (V.O)

Which brings me to my other

point...


ASH enters and looks around until his eyes meet with A Small

Cat in the Garden, placed neatly in the middle of the oak

wood wall.


HARRY walks away. With a flick of his keys the car locks

with a bleep.


HARRY closes the door behind him and walks through, unaware

only seconds ago ASH had just broken in this way!

He walks into the gallery room, and from another direction

ASH slowly appears but further down the hallway (like

Scoooby-doo!)

ASH opens the door slowly and creeps out.

56.


HARRY walks in - oblivious the paintings gone - and takes a

glass of champagne, looking out of the window for his wife.


EMMA

You know, if you don’t find them in

the first half hour then...you know

you might...excuse me.

Her phone is ringing. She brings it to her ear.

EMMA

(on phone)

Yes?

SPLIT SCREEN.

SEAN

Time to go.

FULL SCREEN AGAIN.

EMMA

(on phone)

Oh, that’s amazing. Oh, thank you,

darling, so much. Yes, I’m coming

back now. Alright. (to LOUISE) He

found his way home! He’s such a

clever baby! Thank you so much for

helping!

LOUISE HOLMES

Awww it’s fine, it’s fine! Bye!

EMMA

Bye bye!

EMMA hurries up the small steps and away.


ASH runs up to his car and jumps in the drivers seat.

57.

EXT./INT. ALBERT’S CAR - AFTERNOON

MATTHEW (V.O)

Or perhaps you can call me at my

office tomorrow, and I can...

ALBERT

(on phone)

Sorry, Matthew, I got the Senator

on the other line, I’ve got to take

it. I’ll be in touch, thank you so

much.

SEAN has jumped in, along with EMMA.

They all sigh, relieved.

ASH

Home, James, and don’t spare the

horses!

They all laugh together and drive off.


HARRY’s smile dissapears as he turns and looks at...the

blank wall. LOUISE walks in.

LOUISE HOLMES

Honestly, you won’t believe what

I’ve been doing in the garden. I’ve

been chasing...

She looks at the spot the painting should be, but isn’t.

LOUISE HOLMES (CONT’D)

Oh no.

HARRY doesn’t speak. He’s speechless.

EXT. TRAFALGAR SQUARE - AFTERNOON

ALBERT, EMMA, ASH and SEAN are walking past the fountain,

ASH on his phone.

ASH

(on phone)

Yeah, I’ve got it. The real one.

The same place you left me in half

an hour. But if Micky’s not there,

the deal’s off...OK. Half hour.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 58.

EMMA

Well?

ASH

All set. We’ll meet them back at

the warehouse in half an hour. We

give ’em the real painting, they

give us Micky.

ALBERT

But can we trust them?

ASH

The honest truth is, Albert, I

don’t know.

EMMA

What if Harry realizes it was us?

ASH

I don’t know that either.

EMMA

But Ash, what happens if...

ASH

...Let’s just get Micky back first,

and worry about everything else

later, yeah?

SEAN

Sounds like a plan.

ASH

Yeah, well, first, I need a drink.


They all walk into the bar which seems quiet.

ASH

Set ’em up, Ed.

He nods his head to the direction of -

The McCrary brothers at the snooker table.

GERALD MCRARY

There you are.

None of them speak, they just watch as he walks over.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 59.


Mad Dolly told us where to find

you.

ASH

Oh.

GERALD MCRARY

That was you at the hotel, wasn’t

it?

EMMA

Hotel?

GERALD MCRARY

I saw you leaving. Just passing,

were you?

ASH

That’s right, yeah, we erm...Well,

we found out where you were and we

thought we’d try again, you know,

to convince you to...let us...take

the painting.

GERALD MCRARY

That’s what I thought. So it was

you guys that set off the alarm,

was it?

ASH

Yeah, yeah, we...

GERALD MCRARY

(to his brother)

What did I tell you? That’s why

we’re here, we wanted to say thank

you!

ASH

Eh?

GERALD MCRARY

Look, I don’t know why you hit the

alarm when you did, but if you guys

hadn’t, we’d have just waltzed in

there and found Harry Holmes in our

room.

ASH

Yeah, well, you know, don’t mention

it.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 60.

GERALD MCRARY

So what happened? You erm, you

found us and then you saw Harry and

his goons there too, right?

ASH

That’s right, yeah. So...we legged

it. Only we didn’t want to drop you

in it, so...

EMMA

...so we hit the alarm.

GERALD MCRARY

Look. All I know is if it wasn’t

for you guys we would be screwed.

So, thank you.

ASH

Yeah, it’s a pleasure. I hope you’d

do the same for us.

GERALD MCRARY

Oh, absolutely!

ASH

Well, there you go.

GERALD MCRARY

We’d love to stay and have a beer

with you, but we have a flight to

catch. We’ve got to get home and

make a start on spending this.

His brother chucks over a bag and GERALD unzips it to reveal

a bag full of cash.


400 grand...for the painting.

ASH

The painting?

GERALD MCRARY

The Picasso. We sold Harry one of

the duds Dolly made.

ASH

Yeah, I heard. That’s why he was

looking for you.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 61.

GERALD MCRARY

Oh, no doubt. But we also had

another buyer lined up for the real

one. German guy.

ASH

Wait. You said you sold ONE of the

duds to Harry? You sold a dud to

the German too?

GERALD MCRARY

No, no. He got the real thing. Bid

the highest you see. No, we had

Dolly make two duds. We sold one to

Harry, and the other we were were

going to sell to some Aussie guy in

the hotel bar, but he was a no

show.

ASH

Yeah, yeah, but you can’t have sold

the real one, because Harry found

it in your room.

GERALD MCRARY

Well, he would have been pretty

dissapointed when he got home.

ASH

Eh?

GERALD MCRARY

Did the deal with the German guy

this afternoon, long before Harry

found us. So if he found a painting

in our room, it was the other dud.

Shit, I think we hung it on the

wall, we were leaving it as a wee

present for the hotel.

They all chuckle.


Look, like I said, we just came

here to say thank you. Oh, by the

way, how did...er...How did things

pan out with your friend?

ASH

Oh, well, we’re, er...We’re still

working on it.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 62.

GERALD MCRARY

Well, good luck with that.

ASH

Cheers.

And they walk out, leaving the team to stand in failure.

SEAN pulls out the painting from the bag.

SEAN

So we stole another fake.

ALBERT

You told Sava we had half an hour.

We’ve got fifteen minutes.

SEAN

So what do we do now?

EDDIE

Here you are, mate.

EDDIE gives ASH a drink.

He stares at it. He doesn’t know what to do, or say.


PETRE unlocks the boot - followed by BOGDAN - and gets into

the drivers seat.

The car engines start and the car begins to drive out of the

car park.


SEAN, ASH, ALBERT and EMMA are stood spaced out in the

warehouse awaiting PETRE’s arrival.

The following is spoken to the camera.

ASH

When you live outside the law, on

the fringes of society, you’re

always going to have days like

this. What you might call a bad day

in the office.

A car screeches into the warehouse.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 63.

ASH (CONT’D)

Well, the thing is not to panic.

Because people like this lot,

they’re like dogs, they can smell

fear.

The two cars drive into the warehouse.

ASH (CONT’D)

So the trick is to make them think

you know something they don’t. That

way they’ll generally hold off

killing you while they try and work

out what it is.

PETRE, BOGDAN and many other men step out of the two cars,

and place themselves in front of the team.

PETRE SAVA

You have brought my painting?

ASH

You brought my friend?

PETRE SAVA

Painting first.

ASH

Friend first or there’s no deal.

PETRE SAVA

I don’t think you’re in a position

to negotiate, do you?

ASH

If you believe that, it could be

the worst mistake you ever made. I

see my friend, you see your

painting.

He directs to two men and they bring out MICKY who groans

and moans. The sellotape across is face is ripped away.

PETRE SAVA

Now your turn.

Before SEAN opens his bag to take out the painting, another

car drives into the warehouse. A black car - HARRY’s car,

followed by another.

HARRY steps out of the car, along with many other men in

business suits. PETRE sighs.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 64.

It’s now PETRE and his crew, HARRY and his crew, and ASH,

EMMA and SEAN in the middle.

HARRY HOLMES

Right. Who’s got my painting?

PETRE SAVA

This is none of your business,

Harry.

HARRY HOLMES

Well, I’m making it my business,

Boris. I’ve been dancing around you

lot for too long.

PETRE SAVA

My name is not Boris.

HARRY HOLMES

It is when I’m talking to you.

PETRE SAVA

You know, calling me Boris is

racist.

HARRY HOLMES

Tough.

ASH

Er, excuse me, can we, er...Can we

get on with this, please?

HARRY HOLMES

What are you doing here?

ASH

What do you think I’m flaming doing

here? I’ve come to swap this

painting...(retrieves the

painting)...for my mate.

HARRY HOLMES

That is my painting.

PETRE SAVA

No. My painting.

HARRY HOLMES

I nicked it, fair and square.

PETRE SAVA

And now I’m getting it back.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 65.

ASH

That’s enough!

HARRY HOLMES

Who are you shouting at?

ASH

You! The pair of you! Have you

never heard of honour amongst

thieves? Some kind of nodding

appreciation amongst your peers?

You’re like a couple of

five-year-olds. "Please, Miss, he’s

nicked my painting" It’s pathetic!

And I’ve had it with both of you!

PETRE SAVA

(to BOGDAN)

Get the painting.

BOGDAN walks forward and so do HARRY’s men.

ASH holds out a knife and hovers it above the painting.

They all step back.

ASH

I’ve had a gun shoved up me hooter,

been hung upside down, and kicked

up in the air. I’ve been threatened

by at least three nationalities

while running around half of London

chasing some stupid picture of a

cat in someone’s back garden that

looks like it was done by a

three-year-old on a sugar rush!

I’ve been lie to, cheated and

generally abused just because me

and my mate ’ere were trying to

earn an honest crust when Rasputin

here went and kidnapped him.

PETRE SAVA

Hey. Rasputin is worse than Boris.

ASH

I said, shut it! Now I don’t know

whose painting this is and, to be

quite honest, I don’t give a flying

toss! I’ve had a very bad day!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 66.

HARRY HOLMES

Do you know who you’re talking to?

ASH

Never mind who I’m talking to. You

ought to worry about who we are,

son. We’re grifters. Yeah. This

bloke over here (MICKY). He’s sold

the Eiffel Tower, the palace of

Westminister and the Sydney Opera

House. We broke banks, companies,

and political parties. We took on

the mafia in Las Vegas and we made

the London Special Branch look like

the Keystone Cops. So never mind

about you two threatening us! Now,

I’m threatening YOU!

And their all smiling. Even MICKY.

ASH (CONT’D)

We’re going to make you our hobby.

Spend sleepless nights working out

how to take away everything from

you, every penny. It won’t be just

a sodding painting you have to

worry about, you’ll be working out

where you’re going to sleep at

night. Because we’re going to pick

you clean. We’ll strip every bit of

flesh off the bone.

And for a moment HARRY is lost in thought. And then he

claps. And PETRE joins in.

HARRY HOLMES

Nice speech. I got just one

question.

ASH

Yeah, what’s that?

HARRY HOLMES

How are you lot going to do that,

when you’re dead?

PETRE SAVA

Very good.

Both of them are staring coldly at ASH, who doesn’t speak.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 67.


Now, give me my painting.

PETRE SAVA

No. No. You give me MY painting.

ASH

(to camera)

Some people never listen, do they?

(back to the others) Tell you what,

you can sort it out amongst

yourselves.

Slow motion.

Spanish music.

Birds eye view as the painting slowly rotates between PETRE

and his men and HARRY and his men, all looking up in shock

as it slowly moves through the air.

PETRE has his arms out in horror.

And some of PETRE and HARRY’s men run forward slowly, all

crashing in to each other. One kicks the painting so it

slides further away.

HARRY runs forward and tackles the men to the painting.

PETRE is pushing through, desperate to get to it.

End of slow motion.

Their all tackling each other to the ground. PETRE with his

hands in his head.

HARRY smacks one of the men in the face who tumbles to the

ground.

EMMA flinches as she watches them all fight. ALBERT watching

in disgust.

HARRY HOLMES

Get it round the side! Yeah, that’s

it! Watch what you’re doing! Don’t

damage it!

MICKY walks over to his rightful side, between ASH and EMMA.

ASH

You didn’t phone, you didn’t write.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 68.

MICKY

(laughs)

Sorry, mate, I’ve been a bit tied

up. Oooh! Is that who I think it

is?

ASH

Harry Holmes, yeah.

MICKY

Good job he turned up.

ASH

Yeah, well...I phoned him.

MICKY

You phoned him?

ASH

Yeah?


Spanish music continues.

PREVIOUS MATERIAL.

SEAN

So what are we going to do now?

NEW MATERIAL.

ASH dials a number on his phone and waits for an answer

whilst downing the whiskey.

ASH

(Scottish accent)

Hello, Harry. Would you be

interested to know who the McCrary

boys were working for when they

double-crossed you? Aye, I do know.

Have you got a pen?



HARRY HOLMES

Just watch the painting, will ya?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 69.

MICKY

They don’t seem to like each other

very much.

ASH

No, well, I er...I phoned the other

one ’an all.



ASH

(Russian accent)

Harry Holmes. Yes, he cheated a

friend of mine. So when I found out

he stole your painting, I thought

it right to call you.



ASH

And I phoned the old Bill encase it

went pear-shaped. They should be

here any minute.

PETRE and HARRY are now both holding the painting, pulling

and shoving at it in frustration. And then, one of the men

falls over and his shoe crashes straight through the

painting.

Spanish music slowly fades away.

EMMA

Ohhhh.

MICKY

Is...that the real Picasso?

ASH

Oh, no, no. No, that’s a fake.

HARRY and PETRE now start tackling each other to the ground

comically, punching and hitting each other.

MICKY

Guys. Can I...Can I ask a question?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 70.

EMMA

Yeah, yeah.

MICKY

I mean, I don’t want to sound

ungrateful or anything.

ASH

No, it’s OK.

MICKY

But wouldn’t it have been simpler

to get the real painting?

SEAN, ASH, EMMA and ALBERT both turn and give MICKY a cold

look.

Police sirens are whirring in the background now.

MICKY (CONT’D)

It’s OK..

EXT. LONDON CITY - NIGHT

Various clips and shots of London City.

INT. EDDIE’S BAR - NIGHT

EDDIE is handing out champagne glasses to everyone.

ASH

Cheers, Ed.

MICKY

Thank you.

They are sat in their regular positions in their usual

booth.

SEAN

So, no-one’s looking for us?

ASH

No. No, you see, they both thought

that the original was damaged in

the fight at the warehouse.

71.


DOLLY hands a painting to PETRE and a painting to HARRY,

both of A Small Cat in the Garden.

ASH (V.O)

But neither Petre Sava nor Harry

Holmes could afford to lose face.

DOLLY points to her cheeks and they both kiss her with a

sigh.


So the only way they could save

face was to have a fake each.


LOUISE and HARRY are stood next to MATTHEW who is holding

the painting.

ASH (V.O)

That way, they could both say they

won and honor is restored.

INT. PETRE SAVA’S HOUSE - AFTERNOON

PETRE is making BOGDAN place the painting on the wall, he

issues it to the left and right with a wiggle of his

fingers.

EMMA (V.O)

And they both get to live happily

ever after.

ASH (V.O)

Well, yeah, you know, happy as they

can be.

INT. EDDIE’S BAR - NIGHT

ALBERT

It seems the only winners are the

McCrary brothers.

SEAN

Tell me about it. They just walked

off with 400 grand.

The phone rings and EDDIE hurries off to answer.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 72.

EMMA

Whoa, they might get to go with all

the money but we got something much

more precious. We got Micky back.

ASH

Oh, yes, that’s true.

MICKY

Yeah. Ah. Thanks, guys.

EMMA

You can’t put a price on

friendship.

ASH

No but if you could, it’d be about

400 grand.

EMMA

Ignore him - he was beside himself

when you were gone. He was taking

all the blame, he was full of

self-loathing. It was just, really

heartbreaking to watch.

ASH

Yeah, yeah.

MICKY

Well, we made no money, but apart

from the odd bruise, everything

turned out OK.

ALBERT

Yes, it did.

SEAN

Ash, I’ve got to ask you, did you

really lose it with those gangsters

at the warehouse?

ASH

Well, we hadn’t got a lot of

options at that point, so I thought

I’d do a bit of Micky waffle.

EMMA

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

MICKY

Micky waffle?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 73.

ASH

Yeah, you know that thing where you

talk a lot but don’t actually say

anything.

MICKY

Sorry, no, I do not "waffle"!

SEAN

You do a bit.

MICKY

When?

ASH

Usually when you know you’re wrong

but you won’t admit it.

MICKY

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, but that’s

far from waffling, that’s just my

way of presenting a reasoned

argument. A way of putting forward

the facts, which in the main, Ash,

I’m sorry to say, is something you

fail to do. You prefer to use

emotional rhetoric littered with

expletives to make your point. No,

it’s true, it’s true. That was not

"waffling"! I wish you left me in

the boot now.

ASH

Well, it can be arranged.

EDDIE

Brought you tomorrow’s papers.

ALL

Cheers Eddie.

EDDIE

Erm, that was that Dolly bird

again. I was going to give you a

shout but you were waffling.

ASH

Cheers, Ed.

MICKY

I wasn’t waffling.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 74.

EMMA

Course not.

EDDIE

Erm...this Dolly...she sounds a bit

alright on the phone. What’s she

like?

ASH

Oh, now...now...she is special.

EDDIE

Yeah? Is she a looker?

SEAN

Oh...definitely.

ALBERT

She’s a looker.

ASH

Got a lovely set of teeth, hasn’t

she, Sean?

SEAN

Amazing.

DOLLY

Only we had a little bit of a chat.

We got on like a house on fire.

Think she was flirting a bit when

she, er...rang earlier, you know,

she said she liked me accent and

that so, er, so you know...might

have a crack at it like.

EMMA

It?

EDDIE

Yeah, yeah, you don’t mind do you?

I don’t want to tread on anyone’s

toes.

ALL

Good for you/go for "it".

EDDIE

Yeah? She’s invited me round for a

drink.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 75.

ALBERT

Edward. This is a match made in

heaven.

EDDIE

You think so?

ASH

Absolutely. You knock yourself out,

son.

EDDIE

Cheers, guys. I’ll let you know how

I get on.

He walks away with a smile.

EMMA

Do you think that was a bit cruel?

ASH

(reading newspaper)

Yeah, probably.

MICKY

Oh, listen to this. It says here

that a Mondrian was stolen from a

gallery in Central London, and it’s

valued at £2.3 million. Doesn’t

Tucker still do fake Mondrians?

They all stare at him coldly.

MICKY (CONT’D)

It was a joke.

ALL

Yeah!

MICKY

Should’ve seen your faces.

ASH

Oi.

SNAPSHOT of MICKY laughing pleasantly.

Then fade to black.

CUT TO TITLES. (END OF SE.8 EP.2)

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8.2 Picasso Finger Painting

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