A Manual for Parents - Kansas State University · A Manual for Parents A Manual for Parents Kansas...

A Manual

for Parents

A Manual

for Parents

Kansas State University Agricultural Experiment Station

and Cooperative Extension Service



Outdated publication, for historical use. CAUTION: Recommendations in this publication may be obsolete.

A Manual for Parents

Written by:

Charlotte Shoup Olsen, Ph.D.

Associate Professor and Extension Specialist

Family Systems

School of Family Studies and Human Services

Kansas State University

Linda Graham, Attorney

Riley County District Court Trustee

Court-Certified Mediator Trainer

Manhattan, KS

Joyce E. Jones, Ph.D.

Associate Professor and Extension Specialist

Personal Finance

Oklahoma State University

Kansas State University Agricultural Experiment Station and Cooperative Extension Service

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Table of Contents

Introduction ...................................................................................................3

Personal and Family Adjustments ..............................................................4

• Emotional Issues...........................................................................................4

• Parenting Concerns ......................................................................................5

• Relationship with the Other Parent...............................................................8

• Household Management Dilemmas ...........................................................10

Legal Issues...................................................................................................11

• Legal Process .............................................................................................11

• Child Support.............................................................................................12

• Parenting Time............................................................................................14

• Parenting Plan ............................................................................................15

• Child Custody ............................................................................................16

• Mediation ..................................................................................................17

Financial Matters .........................................................................................19

• Property .....................................................................................................19

• Taxes ..........................................................................................................21

• Credit.........................................................................................................23

Conclusion ....................................................................................................26

References.....................................................................................................27

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IntroductionWhen parents decide to divorce, they create a new and different world for their

children and themselves. Divorce is one of the most stressful life events a personcan experience and each person in the family will be affected in some way.

This manual offers information for parents who are going through the separationand divorce process to help them to understand personal and family adjustments,legal issues, and financial matters. It is written in a question and answer format.The information in this publication is not intended to be a substitute for legaladvice or counseling. Nor is it intended to serve as a complete and exhaustive texton adjustment, legal, and financial issues surrounding separation and divorce.Rather, it is designed to provide basic, general information. Please note that theinformation in this publication is based on Kansas and federal laws in force on thedate of publication.

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Personal and FamilyAdjustments

As you probably already know,divorce is hard on everyone involved,and no two divorces are the same. It isan ongoing process rather than anevent that ends with a court decree.Just as each divorce is different, everyparent and child will not have thesame emotions and difficulties. Somedivorce situations are more difficultthan others. As a parent, you have tocope with your own losses as well asbe concerned about your children’sadjustments. These guidelines to com-monly asked questions might be help-ful to you during this time. Rememberthat every family and situation is dif-ferent, and that these are only guide-lines. You will have to adjust them toyour own family situation.

Emotional IssuesQ: How can I manage my emotionswhile going through the divorce?

A: An important thing to rememberduring this difficult time is to take careof yourself. To say it is all right to takecare of yourself does not mean it isokay to neglect or ignore your chil-dren. It does mean it is all right to findways to have your own needs met sothat you can take care of your chil-dren. The better you are functioning,the better parent you will be to yourchildren. This is definitely a timewhen your support is crucial to yourchild’s adjustment.

Understand that you are goingthrough a loss – even if you initiatedthe divorce. Give yourself time andpermission to grieve and to feel sad.Perhaps you have to deal with the lossof a dream – a dream of having a sig-nificant relationship with someonewho provides security and love. Youalso may have a vast array of other

emotions from day to day such asanger, guilt, loneliness, and not feel-ing lovable or sexually attractive.These are some predictable emotionsof adjustment.

Make an attempt to find some wayto take care of yourself and deal withthis emotional roller coaster.Otherwise, you may have little or noemotional energy to give to your chil-dren. Worse yet, frustrations may endup being taken out on the childrenduring a time when they need theirparents the most. You might try thingsas simple as getting up a half-hourearlier each day and giving yourselfpermission to leisurely do whateveryou want. Schedule recreation byplaying your favorite sport or workingon an enjoyable hobby. You may evenconsciously have to slow down insuch simple things as eating, walking,talking, and listening to others.

The next task in adjusting to your newfamily structure is to learn how to bea single person and a single parent,and find sources of support for eachof these roles. Dealing with thedivorce involves self-examination thatmay require professional help. A per-son who is adjusting well is ready tomove on and establish future-orientedinstead of past-oriented goals.

Q: Should I talk to other adults dur-ing this time?

A: One of the ways you can take careof yourself is by talking to otheradults. Children have enough to dealwith on their own. They should not beasked to contend with the stress ofadult problems or to make adult deci-sions. Although it might make you feelbetter at the time to vent your feelingsto your children, remember that it islikely to make your children feelworse. Choose another adult to talk torather than confiding in your children.Adults are better able to understand

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what goes on in a divorce; however,carefully weigh informal advice givento you by friends and family. Decide ifthis advice is in the best interest ofyou and your children.

Call on relatives and friends forhelp, or join a support group of otherparents who are divorcing. Do not beafraid to ask for help with day-to-daytasks, because your job as a parent iseven more difficult now that you areon your own. If you begin to realizethat you are having thoughts, feelings,and behaviors that signal uncontrol-lable stress, see a counselor or family therapist.

Q: What books or Web sites mighthelp me through this difficulttime?

A: Rebuilding When Your RelationshipEnds. 3rd Edition. Bruce Fisher andRobert E. Alberti (2000). Publisher:Impact Publishers.

http://outreach.missouri.edu/cooper/fok/web.htmThis Web site lists numerous resourcesrelated to divorcing parents. The Website is provided as a service from theUniversity of Missouri ExtensionService, but does not constituteendorsement. It is periodicallyreviewed and updated.

http://twosocks.ces.ncsu.edu/cyfdb/browse_2.php?search=Parent/FamilyTo find resources on this Web site,click on the links to Divorce,Separation under the following head-ings: Parenting, Partners.

Parenting Concerns

Q: How can I explain the divorce tomy children?

A: Tell the children about the divorceas soon as possible. Have both par-ents explain the decision if the two ofyou are likely to not get emotional infront of the children. If that is not pos-

sible, each parent needs to talk to thechildren in the absence of the otherparent, but not in a way that blamesand accuses the other parent.

Explain what will happen in an ageappropriate way. It is important for thechildren to know how the divorce willaffect their daily lives. Childrenshould know when they will spendtime with each of their parents. Theyalso need to know that their parentsstill love them, even though the parents will not be living together any longer.

If children are not given an expla-nation for the divorce, they come upwith their own conclusions.Unfortunately, their own conclusionsmay be based on bits of what theyhave seen and overheard. They fill inthe gaps with their own fears and fantasies.

There are two points that have to bemade clear to help children come toterms with the divorce. Tell them theirparents will not be getting backtogether. Also, tell the children theyare not to blame for the divorce.Repeat these statements over and overin as many ways as possible – justsaying them once is not enough.

Q: How do children of different agesreact to divorce?

A: Children of different ages will reactto divorce in different ways. The fol-lowing chart is a list of age-specificcharacteristics that are commonamong children experiencing theirparents’ divorce and guidelines onhow to help children adjust. Ofcourse, there will be individual differ-ences in reacting to divorce, includingthe time it takes to adjust.

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Although infants cannot understand divorce, they will respond to a change in theirenvironment. They may show stress through excessive crying, eating problems, orbowel disturbances. They may also have problems sleeping. It is important thattheir normal routines be kept as consistent as possible. Even the youngest childrenwill feel more secure in a stable environment. Pay careful attention to their needs,and give them a lot of love and hugs.

What toddlers will understand about a divorce is the change in their routine, andthat one parent is no longer living in the home. Toddlers will show their stress inways that you can see. They may be more clingy and anxious, cry more, or haveproblems sleeping. Show them plenty of affection, and reassure them of your con-tinued love. They need to feel secure. Clear limits for acceptable behavior shouldbe set and reinforced. Their lives should remain as consistent as possible. Stressshould be kept to a minimum.

Preschoolers, like toddlers, do not understand what a divorce is. They do knowthat it separates their parents. Preschoolers may engage in magical thinking. Theyoften believe that their behavior can control what other people do. They mayblame their own actions or behaviors for the divorce. Children of this age fearbeing separated and abandoned by their other parent. They may become anx-ious, irritable, clingy, or act younger than their age. It will help to reassure themverbally and physically (holding, cuddling), showing that you love them. Keeppromises you make with your children – if you say you will be with them for theweekend, make sure that happens. Encourage your preschooler to share ques-tions and concerns, and to express feelings, including anger. It is very importantfor you to tell them over and over that they are NOT responsible for the divorce.

Children of this age are beginning to understand what divorce means. They mayreact strongly to the pain of their parents. Young children wish for their parents toget back together. When this does not occur, they may feel deceived andrejected by the parent who left. Elementary school-age children may exhibit signsof depression, or they may fear abandonment. They are extremely sensitive to thepromises you make with them — be sure to honor these commitments. Even thoughthey may not let you see it, they often feel a lot of anger. Be sensitive to whatthey may be feeling. You can encourage your children to discuss their feelings,but respect their decision if they choose not to. Again, consistency is an importantrule to follow. These children need to feel that life will be okay and that theirworld is secure.

Adolescents are more likely to understand divorce, but they often do not want toaccept it. They may feel torn by loyalty to both parents and have difficulty sepa-rating from one or the other. Their self-esteem may be threatened and they worryabout being loved. They may experience shame, embarrassment, denial, with-drawal, or depression. Explain to them in clear and definite terms what is happen-ing and how they will be affected. Be willing to listen when your children want totalk and let them share their feelings even though it may be hard for you. Refrainfrom getting defensive and denying their feelings.

Infants:

Toddlers:

Preschoolers:

ElementarySchool Age:

Preteens/

Adolescents:

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Q: Regardless of a child’s age, what isthe key points to parenting in adivorce process?

A: Keep your promises. For example,if you are to spend a weekend withyour child, try your best to keep thatcommitment. A child can easily feelrejected when a parent fails to honora promise. Even though your childmay not show appreciation for thethings you do, do not give up. Theyare going through many emotionsrelated to growing up in addition tothe divorce.

Keep rules and routines consistent,but not too restrictive for adolescents,as this is a normal stage for wantingmore independence from the family.Be careful not to discuss your prob-lems with children and especially notto bad-mouth the other parent. Yourchildren should not, in any way, beused as a replacement for your miss-ing partner.

You can also help your children byunderstanding the many losses theyhave experienced in the divorce.These losses may include not havingone of their parents around on a dailybasis, leaving the house they grew upin, losing old friends and having tomake new ones, having less money tospend, and moving to a new city. Inorder to help children grieve for whatthey have lost, it is important for par-ents to grieve as well. If you cannotacknowledge your own pain, it willbe difficult to acknowledge your chil-dren’s pain.

Show affection to your children.Even though it is not logical, manychildren feel as though they are theones being divorced and their parentsare divorcing them. Many childrenwhose parents are divorcing also endup feeling unloved. Reassure yourchildren that you love them and willcontinue to love them. For example, ifyou have school-age children, take an

interest in their school activities,homework, and friends. Children ben-efit from a parent who is able to sup-port them through the process ofdivorce, even though the parent alsois hurting.

Although divorce may be a verystressful process for you, take time tolisten to your children. Find a way tolet them know you are listening. Somepeople do this by making eye contact.Watch for “cues” such as tone ofvoice or body language that mayshow/indicate what your child is feel-ing. When you are listening, do notcorrect, judge, or minimize their feel-ings. Doing so may give children theidea that they are not being heard, orthat their feelings are not important.Listen and convey that you haveheard them. This kind of listeningtakes a lot of energy and patience,which is why it is so necessary for youto take care of yourself.

Help your children identify andunderstand their feelings. A statementlike, “You are feeling angry, aren’tyou?” may help a child understandwhat he or she is feeling. When yourchildren get angry with you, they maytry to bring the other parent into theconflict. It may take restraint on yourpart to not become angry and toremain calm when this happens. Tryto bring the conversation back to theissue that caused your child tobecome angry. Suggest a time-out forboth of you. Come back at a latertime to continue your discussionwhen you are both calm.

Children often act out their angeron the parent with whom they are liv-ing. This can be very painful for theresidential parent. This parent needsto understand that because he or sheis providing security, and is readilyavailable, they can become a safe tar-get for the children to act out theiranger.

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If children do not want to talk, donot assume they are unconcerned. Itmay be necessary to bring the subjectup yourself. For younger children, youmight read a book about divorce andask them to share their feelings. Forolder children, you could ask for areaction to a television show or amovie that you have both seen. Even if children do not wish to talk,make sure they know that you will beavailable when they are ready.Encourage them to speak to a friend or counselor.

Q: What are some children’s booksabout divorce that parents andchildren can read together?

Vicky Lansky, It’s Not your Fault, KoKoBear. (1998). Publisher: BookPeddlers. For children ages 3 to 5years.

Laurene Krasney Brown and MarcBrown , Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guidefor Changing Families. (1986), LittleBrown and Company. For youngschool-aged children.

Julia Cole, How Do I Feel About MyParents’ Divorce? (1997), CopperBeach Books. For older school-agedchildren.

Debra Goldentyer, Pre-Teen Pressures:Divorce. (1998), Steck-VaughnCompany. For older youth.

Q: How do I keep the children’s livesas consistent as possible?

A: Divorce is a time full of change. Atthe same time, children require con-sistency. It will benefit everyoneinvolved – especially your children –to maintain a routine as much as pos-sible – even if the divorce requires amove. Children should be kept to aregular daily schedule. Set regularmealtimes and bedtimes. Older chil-dren should know each day what theywill be doing after school. Children ofany age should know when they are

spending time with their other parent.They feel reassured with a routine andstructure they can count on.

Keeping children’s lives consistentalso means maintaining consistentdiscipline. Set the consequences forbreaking the rules. Make the rulesclear, and if your children break them,follow through on the consequences.It is confusing to children to punishthem one day for doing somethingwrong, and not discipline them thenext day when they do the samething. They may learn not to count onwhat you tell them.

Sometimes trying to be consistentcan be frustrating when the other par-ent does not have the same rules. Youcan still provide some consistency byexplaining to your children that thereis one set of rules when they are withyou, and another set of rules whenthey are with the other parent.

Relationship with theOther Parent

Q: How do I work with the children’sother parent to take care of ourchildren’s needs when we cannottalk without arguing and fighting?

A: It is understandable that there is agreat deal of hurt and anger after adivorce. Marriage is a huge emotionalinvestment. When a marriage ends, itis painful, even for the spouse whowanted the divorce. In some divorcesthere has been so much hurt andanger, that it seems impossible tothink about cooperating with a formerspouse in child rearing. Yet, coopera-tion is in the best interest of the chil-dren. Even though the spousalrelationship between two adults isover, the parental relationship is not.You have to learn new ways to copar-ent without being married. This isextremely important for your children.

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Be businesslike when it is neces-sary to communicate with the otherparent. Try to think of each other asbusiness partners, not as formerspouses. If you are meeting face-to-face, choose a neutral location and asafe place if abuse is a possibility. Beclear on the topic of discussion. Sortout what points might be negotiableon the issue. When phoning eachother, find a mutually convenient timewhen the children will not hear yourconversation. If your emotions beginto get out of control, indicate to theother parent that the conversation isbecoming difficult for you, and ask toreschedule a time when you can con-tinue the discussion. Remember thatyou cannot control what the otherparent will say and do, but you cancontrol yourself.

Q: Why is it important to keep chil-dren out of the middle?

A: Not involving your children in yourfights is one of the best ways to makesure they will adjust to divorce. Beingcaught in the middle forces a child to think about loyalty issues. Theharmful effects of using children tocarry on fights between parents during and after a divorce have beenwell documented.

Six ways to keep your children out ofthe middle are:

(1) Do not argue in front of them.

(2) Do not send messages throughthem.

(3) Do not pump them for informationabout your former spouse.

(4) Do not ask them to keep a secretfrom the other parent.

(5) Don’t criticize the other parent infront of the children.

(6) Don’t use custody, visitation, andmoney issues to harm the child’srelationship with the other parent.

Q: Why is it important to encouragethe children’s relationship withtheir other parent?

A: Encouraging the relationshipbetween children and their other par-ent can be difficult. This may seemlike an impossible task, but continu-ing the relationship is important forthe adjustment of your children. A child is more at risk for future problems when both parents are not involved in a child’s life. The only exception would be if contactwith the other parent puts the child in danger.

Every child has the right to main-tain a relationship with both parentswithout feeling guilt, pressure, orrejection. Listening to one parent criti-cize the other can make childrenuncomfortable. Remember that achild is a combination of both par-ents, and for one parent to insult theother parent is indirectly insulting thechild. Many children will believe thatif something about their parent is not“okay,” then something about them isnot “okay” as well.

Asking children to take sides puts alot of pressure on them. It is normalfor children to have positive and neg-ative feelings toward both parents.Sometimes all they express are theirnegative feelings. However, it is usu-ally in the child’s best interest tomaintain a relationship with both par-ents. In the long run, your childrenwill respect you for not trying to turnthem against the other parent.

Share information as needed withyour parent partner, includingchanges in addresses or phone num-bers at home and work or the chil-dren’s medical situations. Keep him orher informed about the children’sevents and activities, and work ataccommodating the other parent’spresence at these events. Each parent

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should arrange to have school infor-mation sent to him or her.

Q: Why is it important to encourageyour children’s relationships withthe extended family?

A: Divorce should not end the child’srelationship with their parent or theirrelationship with other relatives, suchas grandparents, aunts, uncles, andcousins. Children will benefit whenthey are permitted to maintain thefamily relationships that held meaningfor them before the divorce. Theextended family may serve as a strongsource of support for your children aswell as yourself.

Household ManagementIssues

Q: How can I manage all of thehousehold tasks by myself, includ-ing those things that I did not dowhen I was married?

A: You may feel overwhelmed by themany tasks that need to be done. Forexample, you may not have paid thebills and balanced the checkbook, oryou may not have been responsiblefor buying groceries and planning themeals when you were married. Ittakes time to deal with these changes.

Steps to help you in this transitionare:

• Prioritize what absolutely needs tobe done and what can wait.

• Decide if someone else can helpyou with some of the tasks. Forexample, an older child may beable to take over mowing the lawnor take the car to the service sta-tion to have the oil changed.If your children are younger, arethere ways that you can exchangedoing things with other adults? Forexample, exchange childcare withfamily, friends, or neighbors on

Saturday mornings or evenings soadults in both families are able totake turns in running errands.

• Think about different ways to dothings. Perhaps you decide thatyour house does not need vacu-umed as often as in the past.

• Break tasks down into smallersteps and tackle one at a time. Thismay be easier said than done. Ifyou can take one evening to paythe bills, and the next evening todo the laundry, you may begin tofeel less overwhelmed.

• Look for ways to take short cuts.For example, as you go throughthe mail, stand near a wastebasketand throw away junk mail ratherthan putting it on the table andhaving to sort it later.

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Legal IssuesThe legal process continues after

divorce if there are orders for childsupport, custody, or maintenance. Thefollowing are some questions andanswers you may find helpful regard-ing legal issues after divorce or afterchild support orders are filed in apaternity action.

Legal ProcessQ: What are the most common

grounds for divorce?

A: Incompatibility is the most com-mon grounds used. There is nodefense to getting a divorce if onespouse wants to divorce.

Q: What is the difference betweenmaintenance or alimony and childsupport?

A: Maintenance is the same asalimony and is support for a formerspouse. Child support is moneyordered for the support of thechild(ren).

Q: After the divorce is final, or afterpaternity action is final, how doesa person collect child support ormaintenance that has beenordered?

A: The State of Kansas has enforce-ment agencies and private contractorsauthorized by law to collect supportor maintenance as well as your pri-vate attorney. They are the following:

1. District court trustee’s office,

2. Staff attorneys with Social andRehabilitation Services (SRS),

3. Assistant county attorneys whospecifically collect child support,and

4. Private contractors for supportenforcement.

Q: How do I determine which of thegovernment agencies is author-ized to enforce a support order?

A: You can call the local clerk of thedistrict court to determine who isauthorized to enforce support ordersin that district. Some districts havechoices or options. For example,many districts provide clients with thechoice of either a trustee’s office or anSRS attorney, in addition to an indi-vidual’s private attorney.

Q: What are the functions of a district court trustee?

A: The District Court Trustee is anattorney appointed by theAdministrative District Judge to collectsupport. Some Trustee offices alsomodify support orders. In Kansas,most Trustees’ offices cannot becomeinvolved in issues concerning custodyor parenting time.

Q: What advantages are there to having a trustee’s office enforce support orders versus a privateattorney?

A: If your child is almost emanci-pated, and there are no problems incollecting child support from a payingparent, the individual may not need toseek the services of a trustee’s officeor an SRS staff attorney. However,there can be substantial savings forthe custodial parent if that parentchooses to retain the court trustee’sservices for support enforcement ormodification. Retaining a privateattorney is typically more expensivethan the court trustee’s services.

Q: Are child support orders resultingfrom paternity cases differentfrom child support orders thatoccur after a divorce?

A: No. Children not born of a mar-riage have the same right to child sup-port as children of divorce.

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Q: Are all Kansas judicial districts’programs regarding child supportenforcement identical?

A: No. The State of Kansas has dis-tricts and each district implements itsown court rules regarding the feecharged for enforcement of supportorders. Kansas law limits trustee’s feestaken out of the payee’s support pay-ments to a maximum of 5 percent.

Child SupportQ: How does the judge determine the

amount of monthly child supportthat will be ordered?

A: The Kansas Supreme Court hasadopted guidelines for use in estab-lishing child support orders. Theguidelines are based on the premisethat both parents have a shared dutyto support their children, based oneach parent’s proportion of the com-bined family income.

Kansas child support guidelinesrequire the court to consider relevantfactors such as: 1) gross income ofboth parents; 2) health insurance; 3)whether the parents annually alternatetaking income tax exemptions for thechild(ren); 4) day care expenses; and5) parenting time costs for the parents.

Regardless of the type of custodialarrangement, the court may orderchild support and educationalexpenses be paid by one or both par-ents until June 1 of the school year,and until the child becomes 18 yearsof age (19 years old in some cases ifthe child is still attending highschool). Child support and educa-tional expenses may also be extendedbeyond 18 years of age if the parentssign a written agreement approved bythe court, or if language to extendchild support beyond 18 is in thedivorce decree.

Q: Where is child support paid?

A: The parent ordered to pay childsupport is required to pay through theKansas Payment Center in Topeka.Unless a judge orders otherwise, aparent will receive credit only for pay-ments made through the KansasPayment Center.

Q: Under what conditions can childsupport be modified?

A: Three circumstances under whichchild support orders can be modifiedare: 1) If there would be a 10 percentchange in support from the currentorder; 2) If there has been a three-yearlapse since child support has beenmodified; and 3) If the child enters anew age bracket. The age brackets inKansas are 0 to 6, 7 to 15, and 16 to18 years of age. The older the child,the higher the child support order isper Kansas child support guidelines.

Q: How can a parent get child support modified?

A: If any of the criteria is met for apossible change in child support, theparent who receives support can seeka modification through a private attor-ney or through some district courttrustee’s offices.

Q: What if the paying parent changesjobs?

A: The paying parent is required bycourt order to report any change ofname, address, or employment to theclerk of the court or the trustee’s officewithin seven working days.

Q: If a parent is unemployed, will hisor her child support order be ter-minated or reduced automati-cally?

A: No. In order for a child supportorder to be reduced, the paying par-ent must file a motion to modifydownward and have a judge rule onthe motion.

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Q: What happens if the paying parentdoes not pay all of the court-ordered child support?

A: After July 1, 1993, child support isautomatically withheld from mostpaying parents’ wages per Kansas law.If income is not being withheld, it canbe ordered withheld when a parentdefaults or does not pay. Child sup-port orders, as well as maintenanceorders, are frequently enforced byIncome Withholding Orders. In addi-tion to income withholding, the lawauthorizes garnishment of bankaccounts, imposition of liens on per-sonal property, interception of taxrefunds, revocation of professionallicenses, and other remedies includ-ing contempt and incarceration.

Q: Why must there be an IncomeWithholding Order issued if thepaying parent is not keeping upwith child support payments?

A: Federal and state laws require thatan Income Withholding Order beissued in all cases, unless the judgegrants a waiver. The IncomeWithholding Order is not a reflectionof the paying parent’s integrity or pastpay history, but is merely a law in allstates. Income Withholding Ordersmandate that payments come directlyfrom the paying parent’s wages intothe Kansas Payment Center, enablingthe paying parent and the court tokeep a record of what child supporthas been paid to the custodial parent.

Q: How is child support routed withan Income Withholding Order?

A: The Income Withholding Order issent from the employer to the KansasPayment Center and the KansasPayment Center sends the check tothe payee.

Q: When can a custodial parentexpect to receive the money paidthrough the Income WithholdingOrder?

A: Child support orders may state thatchild support is due at the first of eachmonth, but employers are not legallymandated to send child support intothe Kansas Payment Center until theend of the month. When a trustee’sOffice files an Income WithholdingOrder, the employer should withholdincome within 14 days after theemployer’s next pay period. Further, if the paying parent is in the military,it frequently takes a few monthsbefore an Income Withholding Orderwill commence

Q: Can a paying parent be sent to jailif he or she does not pay childsupport?

A: Yes. In addition to enforcementprocedures, there are possible crimi-nal penalties. If a parent’s failure, neg-lect, or refusal to pay support of achild without lawful excuse occurs, itis a felony. If convicted, a parentcould be imprisoned. Failure to obeya court order to pay support mayresult in a civil punishment, such as afine or imprisonment for contemptuntil the offender demonstrates to thecourt that the order will be paid.

Q: Does the parent receiving childsupport have to spend the moneyon the child?

A: Child support does not have to bespent on items that go only to thechild, such as clothes or toys. Part ofthe money is intended to help pay forrent or house payments, utilities,school fees, food, and transportation.No accounting is required.

Q: If parents have concerns regardingcustody, parenting time, or visita-tion, what can they do?

A: Parents have the option of retaininga private attorney or hiring a mediator,(neutral third party), in order to aidparents in determining issues of cus-tody or parenting time.

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Q: How do I find a court-certifiedmediator?

A: You can call the clerk of the districtcourt in order to determine who is onthe court certified mediator list.

Q: If I need to find an attorney, howcan I find one?

A: You can contact the Kansas BarAssociation Lawyer Referral Service.Call 1-800-928-3111, and ask for thename of an attorney who handlesdomestic relation cases. For thosewho cannot afford a private attorney,free legal assistance to low-incomepeople is available in all counties.Contact Kansas Legal Services, Inc.(KLS) at 712 S. Kansas Ave., Topeka,KS, 66603, or by phone at 785-233-2068 to learn of the nearest KLS serv-ing your county.

Parenting TimeQ: If the non-custodial parent is

denied parenting time, can he orshe refuse to pay child support?

A: No. Child support and parentingtime are considered two entirely sepa-rate matters by Kansas law. The parentcannot withhold child support toenforce parenting time, nor can theparent deny parenting time to enforcechild support rights. If a parent isbeing denied parenting time, the par-ent can file a motion with the court,even without an attorney, to enforceparenting time. If parenting time isbeing wrongfully denied, the judgecan correct the situation. Parents alsohave the legal option of resolvingissues of parenting time in mediation.

Q: What happens if the parties can-not work out an agreeable parent-ing schedule, or do not follow theschedule that has already beenordered by the court regardingparenting time?

A: If a divorce or paternity case is stillpending, the parent can ask for a tem-porary order or modification of anexisting temporary order. If the orderis final, the party must file a motionfor specific parenting time to enforcethe existing order. The court may finda party in contempt of court for refus-ing to comply, or could modify theexisting order.

Q: Does a father in a paternity actionhave rights of parenting time/cus-tody to his child?

A: Yes. After paternity is established,voluntarily or through a court order inKansas, the father has right of custodyand parenting time.

Q: Can a judge ever prohibit accessby a parent?

A: Yes. A judge may restrict or evenprohibit access if there is evidencethat parenting time would beextremely harmful to the child, as ininstances of abuse. Sometimes a court will order parenting time to besupervised by a third party, such as a social worker, relative, or court officer. A parent prohibited from see-ing a child may, at a later time, peti-tion the court for parenting time ifconditions improve.

Q: Are there any guidelines for par-enting time?

A: Parental responsibilities continue toexist whether the parents live togetheror not. For children to grow up emo-tionally healthy – love, understanding,and sound guidance is required fromboth parents. Children need theopportunity to love and respect bothparents. Courts often give parents thefollowing guidelines:

• The residential parent should havethe child ready at the mutuallyagreed time.

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• The residential parent shouldencourage and make the child feel good about going to the other parent.

• The nonresidential parent shouldpick up and return the child ontime unless there is an emergencyor the parent has called ahead.

• The nonresidential parent shouldnotify the other parent as soon as possible if unable to keep parenting time.

• The nonresidential parent shouldmake the time spent with the childas pleasant as possible by notquestioning the child regarding theother parent’s activities, makingpromises that cannot be kept, dis-cussing faults of the other parent,or by giving extravagant gifts.

• Parents should not argue witheach other in front of the children.

• nonresidential parents should notvisit the child after drinking or tak-ing illegal drugs.

• nonresidential parents should notvisit the child without makingprior arrangements with the custo-dial parent, nor should they takethe child to unsafe places.

Q: Can a judge order visitation rightsfor anyone other than the parent?

A: Kansas statutes provide that, fol-lowing a divorce, grandparents andstepparents may be granted visitationrights if it is in the best interest of thechild. In addition, Kansas law allowsgrandparents to petition for parentingtime if they have established a sub-stantial relationship with the child, orif their child has died and their grand-child has been adopted by a steppar-ent. The judge has discretion to makea parenting time order.

Parenting PlanQ: What is a court-ordered parenting

plan?

A: Legislation enacted in 2000addressed matters in court-orderedparenting plans for minor children.A parenting plan is to accomplish the following:

• Establish parental rights andresponsibilities.

• Establish an appropriate workingrelationship between the parentsso that matters regarding thehealth, education, and welfare oftheir child are best determined.

• Provide for the child’s physicalcare.

• Develop a written schedule of parenting time.

• Maintain the child’s emotional stability.

• Minimize the child’s exposure toharmful parental conflict.

• Protect the best interests of thechild.

• Encourage the parents to meettheir responsibilities to their minorchildren through agreements inthe permanent parent plan, rather than by relying on judicial intervention.

Q: What additional steps are requiredin a parenting plan?

A: A parenting plan must include: 1)designation of legal custody of thechild; 2) a schedule for parenting timewith each parent, when appropriate;and 3) a provision for a procedure for resolving disputes between theparents so there is no need for court intervention.

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Q: What other details may beincluded, but are not required, inthe parenting plan?

A: The plan may include details such as:

1) Assignment of parenting duties –

a. Decision making related to: edu-cation of child; medical, dental,health care; selection of health-care providers; handling ofhealth-care emergencies;extracurricular activities; andselection of childcare providers.

b. Duties of each parent in routinecare giving.

c. Communication related to: com-munication procedures betweenparents; school information; med-ical conditions of child; andaccess to telephone numbers.

2) Residential Schedule –

a. Residential time with each parent,including weekdays/weekends;major holidays; schoolholidays/breaks; vacations fromschool; child’s birthday; andMother’s Day and Father’s Day.

b. Times for phone or other contactwith child.

c. Procedure for handling requeststhat varies from the plannedschedule.

3) Exchange of Child –

a. Procedure for exchanging childbetween parents.

b. Parent responsibilities forexchange.

c. Transportation arrangements.

The plan may also indicate how thesedetails may change as the child growsolder.

Child CustodyQ: What types of custody orders can

a judge make?

A: Joint custody is preferred in Kansasand implies both parents will share inmaking the major decisions concern-ing the child’s upbringing. The usualarrangement is for the child to resideprimarily with one parent (residentialcustody) and to spend time with theother parent (noncustodial parent) onweekends, overnights, and extendedsummer parenting time. Shared resi-dential custody creates a 50/50-timeshare by parents that requires them tobe extremely cooperative.

Sole custody means that one parentmakes the entire major decisionsregarding the child’s upbringing andthe child lives with that parent. Theother parent (noncustodial parent)may have specified parenting time.Sole custody is not the preferred orderin the majority of custody arrange-ments in Kansas, but may be appro-priate in certain circumstances.

Divided custody means that thejudge will place one child with oneparent and another child with theother parent. This occurs in excep-tional cases.

Non-parental custody can begranted, especially temporarily, if thecourt believes the parents to be unfitor that the child is in need of care. Anaction would be filed pursuant to theKansas code for the care of children.

Q: What factors does a judge con-sider when awarding custody?

A: The judge has broad discretion inawarding custody according to thechild’s best interest. Kansas statutesinclude the following factors: thechild’s adjustment to home, commu-nity and school; the wishes of the par-ents and the child; which parent willbe most cooperative in helping the

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child maintain a relationship with theother parent; and evidence of spousalabuse. Neither the mother nor thefather is preferred because of sex.Each case is reviewed based on itsown facts and according to the child’sbest interest. If the child is a teenager,the judge may be willing to considerthe child’s wishes and reasons regard-ing his or her residence. Parents havemuch more say or control in workingout custody or parenting time with a neutral third-party mediator. Inmediation, the parents determine the outcome of an issue, rather thanthe judge.

Q: Can parties agree to the custodyarrangement for their children?

A: Yes. Parties can agree on the type ofcustody that best fits their circum-stances then present their agreementto the judge for approval. Kansas’ lawprovides a presumption that a parent-ing plan between the parties concern-ing the child’s custody and residenceis in the child’s best interest.

Q: After a court determines whichparent should have the primaryresidence of a child, can the courtever change the order?

A: Yes. The court retains jurisdiction,or keeps power to change the primaryresidential custody of the child untilthat child obtains the age of majority.Generally, a motion to change pri-mary custody must be filed in thesame court where custody or paternitywas determined as jurisdiction contin-ues in that court.

Q: What reasons would a court needto change a child’s primary resi-dence?

A: The law usually requires a “mate-rial change in circumstance” before ajudge will modify the custody order.Usually, the change of circumstancewill be something in the residentialparent’s home that has an adverse

impact on the child, such as an abu-sive stepparent, excessive use of drugsand/or alcohol, or neglect. Seldomwill the mere improvement in condi-tions of the nonresidential parent besufficient for a court to remove a childfrom a stable situation.

Q: Do Kansas laws designate a partic-ular age that a child has the rightto testify in court regarding cus-tody?

A: No. The court does not set a partic-ular age at which the child is consid-ered sufficiently mature to testify incourt. A judge would have to rule onwhether or not he or she would allowa child to testify in open court or thejudge’s chambers. However, in media-tion, the parents have control overwhether or not the child would partic-ipate in mediation concerning cus-tody and/or parenting time.

MediationQ: What is mediation?A: Mediation is a process that enablesparents who disagree on issues suchas parenting time or custody, to cometogether in a peaceful, confidentialsetting and create an agreeable solu-tion for both sides. The mediator helpsthe parties with clarifying communi-cation in a respectful manner.However, the mediator is a neutralthird party and has no decision-mak-ing power.

Q: Why would parties want to use amediator after divorce?

A: Parents can use a mediator to aidin coparenting issues after divorce,rather than experience the adversarialprocess of going back to court.

Q: What are the benefits of mediation?

A: Mediation can be more effectivebecause it eliminates everyone in thedecision-making process, except the

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parents who are responsible for thecare, love, and well-being of theirchild(ren). When parents develop adecision together, they are more likelyto abide by the decision they made.The focus of mediation is finding away to coparent in the most effective,peaceful, and positive manner possi-ble. Emphasis is on the child and thefuture, rather than blame and the neg-ative issues the parents may havebetween themselves.

Q: How is mediation different fromcounseling?

A: Counseling looks more at under-standing one’s past emotions. A goalof mediation is to develop a writtenplan devised by the parents regardingcoparenting. Counseling can involvethe counselor and one client, whereasmediation involves the mediator, thetwo parents, and (if the parents agree)the child(ren).

Q: Who decides the outcome ofquestions or issues in mediation?

A: The parents determine the out-come, not the mediator. In court, thejudge decides who is right and wrong,or who gets the custody, or how par-enting time issues are ordered. Themediator, unlike the judge, hasabsolutely no decision-making power.It is the parents and their childrenwho determine decisions regardingthe parenting plan.

Q: Is mediation as expensive as litiga-tion or going to court?

A: In many cases, it is not as expen-sive. Typically, the parents, rather thaneach parent paying an attorney, willsplit the cost of a mediator.Furthermore, the parties find media-tion can be more efficient in resolvingconflicts, rather than waiting to getinto court.

Q: Can mediation be short and longterm?

A: Yes. Parents can actually mediatetheir entire divorce if they prefer thisprocess, or they can mediate issuesconcerning custody or parenting time.There is no particular length of time touse mediation.

Q: How does a mediated agreementbecome part of the court order?

A: A court-certified mediator writesdown the agreement of the parties,and these individuals submit theagreement to the judge for the judge’sapproval. Also, the parties can taketheir agreement, written by the media-tor, to an attorney and have the attor-ney incorporate their wishes into anorder for the court to approve.

Q: Once a mediated agreement isconcluded, can parents changethis agreement?

A: The parties can modify a mediatedagreement. This is another differencebetween mediation and court. Once ajudge renders a decision on parentingtime or custody, it may be difficult forthe parents to reverse that decision orget back into court. However, with amediated agreement, parents canagree to go back into mediation if anagreement does not work. Any mediated changes would have to be approved by the court for enforcement purposes.

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Financial MattersThere are many complicated finan-

cial issues associated with divorce.The decisions that are made can havelong-term consequences. Some ofthese issues have been mentionedpreviously.

Property Property division can be one major

source of conflict and stress during adivorce. While family assets may berelatively easy to divide into two“equal” parts, the question of what is “equitable” and “fair” is often more difficult.

Q: How are assets and debts dividedin a divorce agreement?

A: Kansas law calls for an “equitabledistribution” of property when a cou-ple divorces, including real propertyand personal property. Real propertyincludes land, attached structures,and mineral rights. Personal propertyincludes both tangible and intangibleproperty. Tangible personal propertyencompasses such things as house-hold goods, automobiles, and busi-ness or farm equipment. Intangiblepersonal property includes bankdeposits, life insurance policies,retirement and pension plans, stocks,and bonds.

Property can be distributed in sev-eral ways, including dividing theactual property, awarding all or part ofthe property to one spouse with a cor-responding payment to the other; orby selling the property and dividingthe proceeds. Debts are also allocatedduring this process.

The couple can agree on how theywill divide the property and debts,with or without attorney assistance.Or they can develop an agreementthrough mediation, although it isadvisable to consult an attorney

before mediation. If the parties had avalid premarital agreement, it willcontrol the property division.

In addition to issues of “equity” and“fairness,” each spouse needs to con-sider the costs and benefits of oneproperty versus another. Some ques-tions to consider include:

• How easily and at what cost canthe property be converted to cash?What is the likelihood that cashwill be needed quickly?

• Will the property be likely todepreciate or appreciate in value?

• How will inflation and taxesimpact the value of the property?

• Which property will be more valu-able over time?

• If a promissory note is involved,how reliable are the payments andwhat is the likelihood that thepayer will default on the pay-ments?

• What other expenses, responsibili-ties, and obligations go along withthe property? (mortgage or loanrepayments; real estate taxes andinsurance on a home; investmentdecisions and portfolio manage-ment on stock, bonds, and othersecurities; or maintenance andrepair on homes and vehicles)

If the couple agrees on a propertysettlement and the court approves it,the agreement will take effect whenthe divorce becomes final. Unlikechild support and custody issues –which the court can revisit in thefuture if deemed necessary – propertysettlements generally are final andbinding. This is why it is extremelyimportant that each spouse think carefully and rationally about prop-erty division issues before agreeing toa settlement.

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The court has the authority todecide how property and debts willbe divided between a divorcing cou-ple if the couple has not done so byagreement. Property normally consid-ered “separate” during the marriage(such as that owned prior to marriageor received by only one spouse by giftor inheritance and kept separate dur-ing the marriage), as well as propertyacquired by both spouses during themarriage, is subject to division by thecourts.

When considering how propertyshould be split between spouses, thecourts will consider such things as:

• Length of the marriage.

• Age and health of the spouses.

• How, when, and by whom theproperty was acquired and titled.

• Whether assets were “dissipated”because of conduct by thespouses.

• Present and future earning capacity of the spouses.

• Family obligations and expenses.

• Tax consequences of the propertydivision.

• Whether or not maintenance wasawarded.

• Other factors the court considersnecessary for a “just and reason-able” division.

Q: Can the divorce decree allocatepension benefits from anemployed spouse to the otherspouse as part of a property division?

A: Generally, the court can authorizea spouse to receive a portion (or all)of the pension or other retirementbenefits the other spouse has availablethrough his or her employer. This isusually done through a Qualified

Domestic Relations Order (QDRO) orother valid Domestic Relations Order(DRO) that meets the requirementsestablished for that type of pension orretirement plan. These benefits cantake many forms. For example, theformer spouse might receive an annu-ity, a lump sum, or a rollover into anIndividual Retirement Account (IRA).The tax consequences differ undereach alternative, so they should beexamined carefully.

Social Security benefits cannot bedivided at divorce, although thecourts can take into account the valueof these benefits when dividing prop-erty among spouses. In the event themarriage lasted for at least 10 years,former spouses of covered socialsecurity employees may be eligible forcertain benefits. There are severalother ways that retirement assets canbe divided during a divorce, so advicefrom an attorney may be helpful.

Q: After the divorce, what otherthings need to be done to safe-guard property?

A: In the process of going through adivorce, many of the following itemsmay have already been completed. Ifnot, it is a good idea to do so after thedivorce is final.

• Be sure that you have all of theoriginal deeds, notes, titles, anddocuments that should be in yourpossession as a result of the prop-erty division and transfers – aswell as documents relating to thedivorce, such as the divorcedecree and support order. You alsoneed documentation of the taxbasis of the property (cost whenacquired, cost of improvementsmade, depreciation taken, andrelated information), in order tofigure capital gains or losses whenthe property is sold or disposed of.These documents need to be kept

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in a safe location (such as a safedeposit box or burglarproof, fire-proof home safe).

• Deeds and titles transferred as aresult of a property division needto be officially recorded.

• A will or trust may need to bedrafted or updated. Property own-ership will probably have changedsignificantly as a result of theproperty division. In addition, ifsomething happens to you, andyou have not updated your will ortrust, property that goes to theminor children will probably becontrolled by your former spouse.

• Check beneficiary designations oninsurance policies, IndividualRetirement Accounts (IRAs), prop-erty with payable on death ortransfer on death designations,savings bonds, and other property.Change the named beneficiarieswhere needed.

TaxesTax problems can occur during and

following a divorce. Tax laws are verycomplicated, with exceptions for mostgeneral rules. However, knowingsomething about tax laws (and doinga little planning), may help to avoidsome of these problems. InternalRevenue Service (IRS) Publication 504(Divorced or Separated Individuals)may be of some assistance. You canaccess this and other relevant publica-tions at most public libraries, viathe World Wide Web (www.irs.gov),or by calling 1-800-829-3676. Youalso may need to seek the advice of atax professional.

Q: Are child support and alimonypayments tax deductible?

A: When certain rules are met, theformer spouse who pays alimony (alsocalled maintenance), can deduct it

from gross income (as an adjustmentto income), while the recipient mustreport it as taxable income.

Child support is not tax deductible.The former spouse who pays childsupport cannot deduct it from grossincome, and the former spouse whoreceives child support does not reportit as taxable income.

Because of the tax-deductiblenature of alimony, former spousessometimes try to disguise child sup-port (or property transfers) as alimony.The IRS has addressed this issue byestablishing a complex set of rulesthat must be followed when determin-ing whether certain payments “qual-ify” as alimony for tax purposes.

Q: My former spouse and I filed ajoint return before we divorced. If we are audited at some point in the future and owe additionaltaxes, who is responsible for the taxes?

A: In general, you are both responsiblefor the taxes, interest, and any penal-ties due on that return, even if yourdivorce decree states that your formerspouse is responsible for paying thetaxes. If your former spouse does notpay (or if the former spouse’s liabilityis discharged through bankruptcy oran accepted compromise offer), youare still liable for any unpaid taxes.Through the courts, you may be able to recover from your formerspouse some or all of what you endup paying.

In some cases, a spouse may berelieved of responsibility for the tax,interest, and penalties on a joint tax return by filing for relief on Form8857. The three types of relief available are:

• Separation of liability (for joint fil-ers who are no longer married to,legally separated from, or have

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been living apart from a spouse forat least 12 months)

• Innocent spouse relief

• Equitable relief

The first two types of relief listedapply only to items incorrectlyreported on the tax return, while equi-table relief can apply in other situa-tions. All three types of relief aregenerally for tax obligations since July22, 1998 (or earlier obligations if theywere not paid by that date). For infor-mation about other requirements thatmust be met to qualify for relief, IRSPublication 971 or your tax profes-sional can assist you.

Q: If my former spouse and I filed ajoint return before we divorcedand there is a tax refund from thatreturn, who gets the refund?

A: While both spouses on a jointreturn are entitled to his or her shareof the refund, the Internal RevenueService generally will send the taxrefund check to the address on the taxreturn, or deposit it electronically inthe financial account specified. If anincome tax refund is expected, howfunds from the refund will be splitshould be included in the divorcedecree or in the property settlement.

The IRS has the authority to use taxrefunds to pay for past-due taxes,debts to other Federal agencies (suchas student loans), and past due childsupport or alimony. You can file Form8379 (Injured Spouse Claim andAllocation) to receive your portion ofthe refund if you filed a joint returnwith your former spouse, all (or part)of your share of the refund was (or isexpected to be) applied against yourformer spouse’s past-due obligations(those mentioned above), and youmeet certain other requirements.

Q: Who receives the dependent taxexemption for the children?

A: Children can only be claimed as adependent on one tax return – eitherthe child’s tax return (if there is one)or one of the former spouse’s taxreturns (if they meet certain depend-ency requirements). Generally, theparent who has custody for more thanhalf of the year (the residential custo-dian) claims the exemption. However,the noncustodial parent may be ableto claim the exemption if it is desig-nated in the divorce decree, or if theresidential custodian completes IRSForm 8332 (which the noncustodialparent attaches to his or her tax returneach year the dependency exemptionis claimed).

Parents also may “share” theexemption over time (each parentclaiming the exemption in alternateyears), by designating this on Form8332. In Kansas, if the parents do not share the exemption, the childsupport order will take that intoaccount and compensate the parentnot claiming the exemption.

Q: Are legal and related fees associ-ated with getting a divorce taxdeductible?

A: Generally, the only fees paid inconnection with a divorce that maybe tax deductible are those for taxadvice and to obtain alimony. Othercourt costs and fees paid to an attor-ney, accountant, or other professionalcannot be deducted. It is important tohave professionals who are advisingcouples going through a divorce toprovide a breakdown of their fees bythe type of service performed.

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Q: When property transfers are madebetween divorcing spouses, arethey subject to income taxes?

A: Although there are some excep-tions, property transfers “incident to adivorce” generally are considered anontaxable event at the time of thedivorce. In other words, nothing isdeducted from, and nothing isincluded in the income of either partyfor income tax purposes.

For example, transferred propertythat has appreciated (or depreciated)in value generally is not subject tocapital gain or loss provisions of theincome tax code when transferred atthe time of the divorce. However, theformer spouse receiving the propertycould have a capital gain or loss whenthe property is eventually sold or dis-posed of. This is because the tax basisof the transferred property generally istied to the value of the property whenthe couple acquired it, (taking intoaccount purchase price, improve-ments, depreciation, etc.), not on thevalue of the property at the time of the divorce.

To be “incident to a divorce,” thetransfer generally has to be:

• within one year after the date onwhich the marriage ends, or

• within six years after the date themarriage ends and made under adivorce or separation agreement.

However, if the property is not“transferred,” but is sold and the pro-ceeds split between the formerspouses, the transaction would besubject to capital gain or loss provi-sions at the time of sale.

Q: What filing status should we useduring the divorce?

A: Your filing status depends partly onyour marital status as of the last day ofthe tax year (usually December 31).

Generally, couples still married as ofthat date can file as married filingjointly or married filing separately. Ifyou file jointly, you are responsible forthe entire tax liability for that return(including any interest or penaltydue), unless you are eligible for“relief” as described earlier. Be awarethat certain tax benefits may only beavailable if a couple files as marriedfiling jointly.

Couples who are still married gen-erally cannot file as unmarried. Anexception exists where there is a legalseparation and the couple lived apartduring the last six months of the taxyear. Several other criteria also mustbe met.

If former spouses are unmarried atthe end of the tax year, they may fileas head of household (if they qualify)or single.

CreditThe use (and overuse) of credit can

create conflict and financial strainduring a marriage. It also can createconflict and financial strain during adivorce. It is important to rememberthat credit contracts entered intojointly during a marriage are notnegated by a divorce decree; you bothare still liable. Further, changing howproperty is titled does not change whois responsible for a joint debt on thatproperty. How debt payments arehandled before, during, and after adivorce can impact both spouses’ability to get credit in the future.

Q: Even though my former spouseagreed to pay off the outstandingbalance on our joint credit cards,can the creditor make me pay ifmy former spouse does not?

A: Yes. If both spouses applied for thecredit together (that is, they are jointaccounts), each is responsible for thedebt. This is true even if a divorce

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decree assigns separate debt obliga-tions to each former spouse. A divorcedecree does not change the contractsentered into jointly during a marriage.Joint accounts mean joint liability.

However, if your spouse does agreeto pay off a joint debt, make sure thisis included in the written divorcedecree. If your former spouse isordered by the court to pay a debt(and does not), and the creditor forcesyou to pay it, you can ask the court toorder your former spouse to pay youback. The court can find your formerspouse in contempt for violating thecourt’s order.

Q: Is there anything I can do to helpprevent credit problems from happening during the divorce?

A: There are some things you can doto help prevent credit obligations frommaking the divorce even more diffi-cult. Consider the following:

• Keep joint bills current during thedivorce, even if it means payingfor bills you ultimately will not beresponsible for. Pay at least theminimum amount on joint debtobligations. Late or missed pay-ments generally will show up onboth of your credit histories for upto seven years. This may make itdifficult to obtain new credit inyour own name, or make yourcreditors more reluctant to releaseyou or your former spouse fromliability on joint accounts.

• You may want to write to creditorsand ask them how to transfer yourjoint debt to the name of the per-son who will be responsible forrepayment. If the creditor agrees,both you and your spouse willprobably have to sign an agree-ment to release one of you fromliability. In the case of a mortgageor home equity loan, a lender mayrequire refinancing to remove a

spouse from the obligation. Analternative would be to sell thehome and divide the proceeds.

• If you are concerned that yourspouse may incur a lot of debtduring the divorce, you may wantto cancel as many joint accountsas possible. Inform creditors inwriting that you are not responsi-ble for these debts after a specificdate. Keep a copy of the letter foryour records. This may not keepcreditors from trying to collectfrom you, however, especially for “family necessities” (which the court generally considers as ajoint responsibility).

• Be sure there is a detailedaccounting in the divorce decreeof all credit accounts, amounts,and the person who will beresponsible for repayment. Do notforget to include home equityloans, margin accounts, and otherlines of credit.

• Do not leave the marriage withopen credit accounts. If youapplied jointly for that credit, eachof you remains liable for repay-ment (even for debts incurred afterthe divorce). To stop any liabilityfor future debts, contact creditorsand ask them to close jointaccounts. Creditors cannot close a joint account simply because ofa change in marital status, but they can do so at the request ofeither spouse.

You may want to request that jointaccounts be converted to individ-ual accounts. A creditor does nothave to agree to do this, however,they can require you to reapply for credit on an individual basis.Based on your new application(and your creditworthiness), the creditor can extend or denyyou credit.

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• If you have an individual accountwhere you named your spouse asan authorized user of thataccount, be sure to contact thecreditor and have this changed orclose the account. Remember thatthis is an instance where you haveauthorized your spouse to use theaccount, but you alone are con-tractually liable for paying thedebt.

Q: Is there anything I can do to helpprevent this from happening afterthe divorce?

A: If funds are not available to pay offdebts when the divorce becomesfinal, you and your former spousemight consider obtaining individualconsolidation loans to pay off yourshare of the debts. This helps ensurethat each former spouse is responsibleonly for those bills he or she agreed topay. It also will help establish orreestablish credit in each formerspouse’s own name.

After the divorce, get a copy ofyour credit report and examine itclosely. Make sure all information iscorrect for both previous and currentcredit accounts.

Remember, information about jointaccounts (and individual accountswhere you named your spouse as anauthorized user), is reported to creditbureaus in both spouse’s names (if the account was opened after June 1, 1977).

Q: How can I get a copy of my creditreport?

A: One place to start is your localcredit bureau. Check the yellow pagesunder Credit Reporting Agencies.Expect a small fee.

You also may want to check one ormore of the national credit reportingagencies listed below, especially ifyou or your former spouse used majorcredit cards. Your former spouse willneed to request a separate report.

• Experian (formerly TRW) – Youmay call 1-888-397-3742 oraccess the following Web site:http://www.experian.com/con-sumer. Send a check or moneyorder for the fee requested to:Experian, P.O. Box 2104, Allen,Texas, 75013-2104. You also canorder a copy of your credit reportand charge the cost to your creditcard.

• Equifax –You can receive a copyof your credit report by calling 1-800-685-1111 using your creditcard to pay the fee; or writingEquifax at P.O. Box 105873,Atlanta, Georgia 30348 and send-ing a check; or ordering online viathe following Web site:http://www.econsumer.equifax.com/

• Trans Union – You can recveive acopy of your credit report by call-ing 1-800-916-8800, and sendinga check or money order to;Chester, Pennsylvania, 19022;Trans Union, P.O. Box 1000; oraccess the following Web site:www.transunion.com/creditreport/

If you are requesting a reportthrough the mail from any of thesecredit reporting agencies, call the toll-free number to find out what the feeis, and what information you mustsend to verify your identity. If you areordering a credit report via the tele-phone or a Web site, you will beasked to provide some of the sametype of information.

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ConclusionYour job as a parent is an impor-

tant, yet difficult one. Emotional,legal, and financial issues that ariseduring the divorce process createadditional stresses on your role as aparent. You do not have control overeverything that happens to you oryour children. However, this informa-tion is intended to be a resource tohelp you and your former spousecompromise and make decisions –keeping the well being of yourchild(ren) as a primary concern.Remember that these guidelines arenot a substitute for legal advice ortherapeutic counseling.

Your lives are changing. Learning toadjust may take a long time. Eventhough your family is taking a differ-ent form, families still need to dowhat they always have done – raiseand care for children and create satis-fying lives for everyone.

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House Substitute for Senate Bill No. 150, An act concerning domestic relations, relating to divorce and maintenance, patenting tine,custody and residency, Kansas

Session of 1999, effective July 2000.

Internal Revenue Service. Divorced orSeparated Individuals, Publication 504 (for use in preparing 2000 returns).Washington, D.C.: Department of the Treasury.

Kansas Bar Association. Divorce: An IRS Perspective. (October 1998).

Kansas Statutes 23-201 and 60-1610, Kansas Legislative Services (www.ink.org/public/legislative/statutes), as amended through July 1998.

Krumm, Roger P. Getting on With YourLife? What to Do After the Divorce is Final, Publication GH3501. University of Missouri-Columbia: Human Environmental Sciences. (1993).

Miller, P.A., Ryan, P., Morrison, W. Practical Strategies for Helping Children of Divorce. Childhood Education, 75(5), 285-9. (1999).

University of Minnesota Extension Service. Credit Issues with Divorce,(www.extension.umn.edu), BF808. (1998).

Wallerstein, Judith S., & Blakeslee, S.Second Chances: Men, Women and Children a Decade After Divorce. New York: Houghton Mifflin Company. (1996).

ReferencesBranch, J., & Shelton, L. G. Coping

with Separation & Divorce: A Parenting Seminar. Burlington. VT: Vermont Family Court & University of Vermont Extension. (1998).

Divorce Source, Inc. Divorce, Dollars & Debt. (www.divorcesource.com),n.d.

DeBord, K. The Effects of Divorce on Children. Publication GH 6600. University of Missouri: University Extension. (1997).

Elrod, Linda D., & Honorable Buchele, James P. Kansas Law and Practice. Volume 2, Chapters 10-16, St. Paul, MN: West Group. (1999).

Experian’s Consumer Education Department. Divorce and Your Credit. Reports on Credit. Issue 10. ( March 1997).

Federal Trade Commission. Credit andDivorce, (www.ftc.gov), Washington, D.C. (January 1998).

Hanson, T. Does Parental Conflict Explain Why Divorce is Negatively Associated With Child Welfare?Social Forces 77(4), 1283-316. (1999).

Helmeke, K., Kleiner, H. S., & Targ, D.B. Helping Your Children With Divorce. West Lafayette, IN: PurdueUniversity Cooperative Extension Service. (1999).

27


AcknowledgmentsThe publication, Helping Your

Children with Divorce, produced byPurdue University CooperativeExtension Service, was used as amodel in creating this manual.

Thanks to the following whoreviewed a draft of this handbook andgave invaluable suggestions:

Dr. Kathy Bosch, Extension Specialist,University of Nebraska

Rita Dawson, Coffey CountyExtension Agent, K-State Research andExtension

Linda Elrod, Attorney and Professor,Washburn University

Emily Mark, Area Family andConsumer Sciences Specialist, K-StateResearch and Extension

Margaret Phillips, Area Family andConsumer Sciences Specialist, K-StateResearch and Extension

Elisa Shackelton, Extension Agent,Colorado Cooperative ExtensionService

Art Thompson, Attorney and DisputeResolution Coordinator, State ofKansas

Marsha Weaver, Dickinson CountyExtension Agent, K-State Research andExtension.

28


A Manual

for Parents

A Manual

for Parents





Kansas State University Agricultural Experiment Station and Cooperative Extension Service

MF 2539 April 2002

It is the policy of Kansas State University Agricultural Experiment Station and Cooperative Extension Service that all persons shall have equal opportunity and accessto its educational programs, services, activities, and materials without regard to race, color, religion, national origin, sex, age or disability. Kansas State University is anequal opportunity organization. Issued in furtherance of Cooperative Extension Work, Acts of May 8 and June 30, 1914, as amended. Kansas State University, CountyExtension Councils, Extension Districts, and United States Department of Agriculture Cooperating, Marc A. Johnson, Director.

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