A Smile to Start Your Day A Smile to Start Your Day “It’s what’s inside that matters, not the outside.” “Give me an example.” “A refrigerator.” Advice to men wanting to meet women: Don’t go to bars, go to Target. There are 10 times more women than men there, and most of them are looking for something they don’t need. A Smile to Start Your Day A Smile to Start Your Day “I totally failed my health and safety exam today.” “Why, what happened?” “Well, one of the questions was, ‘In the event of fre, what steps would you take?’ ” “And . . . ?” “Apparently ‘really big ones’ wasn’t the answer they were looking for.” The Power of Punctuation A teacher wrote on the board: “a woman without her man is nothing” and asked the class to punctuate it correctly. All the males in the class wrote: “A woman, without her man, is nothing.” All the females in the class wrote: “A woman: without her, man is nothing.”
Transcript
A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your Day“It’s what’s inside that matters, not the outside.”
“Give me an example.”
“A refrigerator.”
Advice to men wanting to meet women: Don’t go to bars, go to Target. There are 10 times more women than men there, and most of them are looking for something they don’t need.
A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your Day“I totally failed my health and safety exam today.”“Why, what happened?”“Well, one of the questions was, ‘In the event of fre, what steps would you take?’”“And . . . ?”“Apparently ‘really big ones’ wasn’t the answer they were looking for.”
The Power of PunctuationA teacher wrote on the board:
“a woman without her man is nothing”and asked the class to punctuate it correctly.
All the males in the class wrote:“A woman, without her man, is nothing.”
All the females in the class wrote:“A woman: without her, man is nothing.”
A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayRomance in Retirement
Two very youthful seniors (Joe, 92, and Mary, 89), living in a retirement community in Florida, decide to get married. One day they were out walking, plannig their wedding, and they happened to go into a pharmacy. Joe asks the man behind the counter, “Are you the owner?” The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”Joe: “Do you sell heart blood pressure medicine?”Pharmacist: “Yes.”Mary: “Do you sell sleeping pills and pain relievers?”Pharmacist: “Yes, defnitely.”Joe: “How about laxatives, heartburn remedies, and adult diapers?” Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”Joe: “Walkers, canes and wheelchairs too?”Pharmacist: “All kinds of them. Why do you ask?”Mary: “We like to use your store for our bridal registry.”
A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayItalians have a wonderful custom called riposo or pisolino, which means all businesses close between noon and 4 pm and everyone goes home for a big midday meal and nap. Of course this confuses foreigners, who will often try to do business during those hours. One day, an American walked into an empty offce around 1 pm, and the only person there was a cleaning lady, sitting in the corner asleep. He woke her up and asked, “They don’t work here in the afternoon?” She replied, “No no, you have it wrong. In the morning they don’t work here. In the afternoon they go home!”
Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am; my attitude depends on
who you are!
A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayAn elderly woman named Maude had a window seat ona big 747 jetliner that had just taken off from New Yorkto Rome. She had been saving for years to fulfll her dream to visit the Eternal City. But this was her frst fight, and she was terrifed. Even the stately presence of four bishops seated behind her didn’t help. With fear and trembling she fnally opened her eyes and peered out the window, just in time to see one of the plane’s four engines break loose from the wing and disappear into the clouds. "We’re going to die!" she cried out. "We’re all going to die!" The pilot announced to the passengers that everything was under control and that they could fy back to New Yorkand land safely with three engines. But Maude kept crying out, "We’re going to die!" The fight attendant went to her and said, "Don’t worry, my dear, God is with us. We have only three engines, but look, we havefour bishops to pray for us." To which Maude replied, "I’d rather have four engines and three bishops!"
A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayAn elderly couple were sitting together and the lady said, “I remember when you kissed me whenever you could.” The man leaned over and pecked her on the cheek. “I also remember when you held my hand all the time.” The old man placed his hand on hers. She continued, “I remember when you used to nibble my neck.” The old man shuffed out of the room. “Where are you going?” she asked. “To fnd my teeth,” said the man.
The brain is the most amazing organ. It works 24 hoursa day, 365 days a year from birth until you fall in love.
Every woman’s dreamHer ideal man takes her in his arms,
lovingly carries her to the bed . . . and cleans the whole house while she sleeps.
A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your Day
Be careful when you follow the masses.Be careful when you follow the masses.Sometimes the “M” is silent.Sometimes the “M” is silent.
Have you ever listened to someone for a while andwondered . . . “who ties your shoelaces for you?”
So when is this “OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW BETTER”supposed to kick in?
The fact that there’s a “highway to hell” and only a
“stairway to heaven” says a lot about anticipated traffcnumbers.
When you’re dead you don’t know you’re dead. It’s only aproblem for others. It’s the same way when you’re stupid.
I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue all the time.
A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayI suspect many of you could have used this
at some point in your life.
Maybe too late for you, but you could pass it on to your grandkids!
A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayKids today don’t know how easy they have it.
When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shagcarpet to change the TV channel”
Growing old is hard work. The mind says “yes,” but thebody says”what the hell are you thinking?”
I hate it when I see and old person and then realizethat we went to high school together.
The word “nun” is just the letter “n” doing a cartwheel.
God said, “Come forth and receive eternal life.”But I came ffth and only got a toaster.
A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayAt St. Peter's Catholic Church, they have weekly marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50thwedding anniversary, to share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman allthese years. Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I'va tried to treat her nice, spenda damoney on her, but best of all is, I tooka her to Italy for our 25th anniversary!" The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to everyone here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wifefor your 50th anniversary?" Giuseppe proudly replied, "Ima gonna go back anda picka her up."
Remember when you could refer to your knees as“right” and “left” instead of “good” and “bad”?
My daughter wanted a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them
clean my house.
A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your Day
An elderly Catholic Pastor of an impoverished inner-city parish lay on his deathbed. As his fnal wish he asked that the Democratic Mayor and the Republican Congressman, both of whom he had frequent run-ins with, come to visit him. Within hours, the two arrived. He asked them to sit on either side of the bed, and the priest silently held their hands. The two politicians were deeply moved by this dying gesture by the good and holy priest who was often their adversary. Finally, the silence became too much for them, and they asked the priest why he had invited them to share these precious moments alone with him. The priest sum-moned all the strength he could muster and squeezed their hands even tighter. Finally, with eyes still closed, he said softly, “Our Savior died between two thieves. My only wish is to imitate Him.” A moment later, the priest breathed his last.
A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayQ: What kind of crackers do televangelists like to eat?
A: Billy Grahams.
Housework: What a wife does without anyone noticingit until she doesn’t do it.Compromise: A nice arrangement between husband and wife whereby they both fully agree to let her have her own way.Husband: A guy who controls the house and everyone in it, and is allowed by his wife to say so.Spouse: Someone who will protect you, work with you, and help you solve all the problems you wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed single.
A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayOld age used to be all in my head.
Now it’s in my joints too
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Use your fngers and rotate the cobon some butter, a generous glob
Eat across or around,But one thing that I've found,
Corn is best when you eat like a slob.
A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayA man drove into a gas station and the attendant (remember those?) said: "I see you've got 5 Penguins inthe back seat of your car. Are you going to take them tothe zoo?" "Yes" said the man and he drove off.A few days later the man came back to the Gas Station with the 5 Penguins in the back seat of his car, all wearing sunglasses. Proudly the man said "Last week I took them to the zoo. And today we go to the Beach."
A wonderful bird is the Pelican.His beak can hold more than his belly can.
He can hold in his beakEnough food for a week!
But I’ll be darned if I know how the hellican?
Q. What is Irish and stays outside in the rain?A. Paddy O’Furniture.
In the pub one night Murphy told Flanagan that his wifewas driving him to drink. “That’s a good wife,” said
Flanagan, “Mine makes me walk.”
A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your Day
A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord. "The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door. Later that day, a police offcer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police offcer. Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were12 Senators in front of the door.
A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your Day
Fred is 34 years old and he is still single. One day, a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you fnd a woman who will be a good wife?" Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, why not fnd a girl who's just like your mother?" A few months later, they meet again and his friend says, "Did you fnd the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?" With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her a lot." The friend said, "Then what's the problem?" Sadly, Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayThe children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large tray of apples. The nun posted a sign on the apples tray, "Take only one. God is watching." Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was alarge pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
Why don’t the French order two eggs for breakfast?Because one egg is un oeuf.
Don’t eat French fsh . . . it’s poisson!
Why do French people eat snails?Because they don’t like fast food.
A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayAn Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walked intoa pub and ordered a pint of Guinness. A fy fell in each of
the beers.The Englishman pushed the beer away indisgust.The Scotsman took the fy out and fnished his
beer.The Irishman picked the fy carefully by its wings, heldit over the Guinness, shook it severely and yelled “Spit it out!
Spit it all out.”
Did you know the most popular sandal in the worldwas invented by a Frenchman? Philippe Philoppe.
Someone just jumped off the Pont Neuf in Paris.He must be in Seine.
I helped a French girl translate “Le Monde.”It meant the world to her.
If you’re cold, go stand in the corner.It’s 90-degrees.
A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your Day
A physician, an engineer, and a politician werediscussing who among them belonged to the oldest ofthe three professions. Each one of them thought theyhad this in the bag. The physician said, "Remember,
on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam andfashioned Eve, making him the frst surgeon.
Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession." Theengineer replied, "But, before that, God created the
heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thushe was the frst engineer. Therefore, engineering is anolder profession than medicine." Then, the politicianspoke up. "Yes yes, this is all well and true." he said."But who do you think created all of the chaos and
confusion?"
A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayA mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag. "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I fnish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the samework?" The surgeon paused, smiled, leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running."
A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayA Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, “Uno . . . dos . . .”and *poof* he disappears without a “tres.”
“How was your grammar class? Or didn’t you learnnothing?” “I learned that a double negative is a no-no.”
A blonde was trying to sell her old car but was having aproblem because the car had 250,000 miles on it. Oneday a brunette that she worked with told her: "You can
make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "Thatdoesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sellthe car." "Okay," said the brunette. "A friend of mineowns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he willturn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then
it should be easy to sell your car ." A month later thebrunette asked the blonde: "Did you sell your car?""No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has
50,000 miles on it."
A Smile to Start Your DayA Smile to Start Your DayI’m close friends with 25 letters of the alphabet,
but I don’t know y.
So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means. It’s not the end of the world.
