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Transcript
  • (A Story That Everybody Wants To Tell)

    2010 by Bianca (bien_021)

    Promo Pic by Bee (Curiositykil s) and Zarah (theCINNAMONbel e)

    No parts of this publication may be reproduced or stored in a retrieval

    system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical,

    photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without permission of the author.

    I have always wanted to write many things. A

    lot of things. Things that Ive come to know

    and experience.

    I wanted to write them all

    But I always ended up writing about you.

    And I think that has to stop.

    Introduction

    I lie every time you ask me what I wish for as the clock strikes 11:11. I

    didn't want to tell you that most of the time I am wishing for you. Because I

    know every 11:11, you are wishing for someone else.

    "It wasn't puppy love or infatuation, or love at first sight, or anything that

    people always talk about and laugh. I can't really explain it - it

    s so hard to put into words but - well, it was just something I'd never felt

    before. Something I'd never even known. People can't tell you about things

    like that, you have to find them out for yourself. That is why it is so

    important."

  • This is a story of love and hate, of a love waiting to happen and of a love

    waiting to be ripped into pieces. This is a cliche story written from the

    heart, a story that is bound to go beyond the boundaries of friendship. Many

    has written about it, many has encountered it and many are trying their

    hardest not to tell it.

    This is a story of friendship and love that most people talk about but are

    afraid to let it show. For once in my life I'm writing about a story that I

    could relate to because it happened to me. This is my story.

    And as for you, to that one person that I had dedicated everything about,

    this again, is for YOU and when she's telling you sweet things quoted from

    books, I am out here writing you one.

    Prologue

    I don't know just why I'm telling you all this.

    Maybe you'll think I'm being silly.

    But I'm not, really, because this is important.

    You see it was different!

    It wasn't just because it was Mark and I either - it was something much

    more than that.

    It wasn't as it's written in magazine stories or as in late night TV dramas

    where the boy's family teases him about liking a girl and he gets

    embarrassed and stutters.

    And it wasn't silly, like sometimes, when girls sit in school and write a

    fellow's name all over the margin of their papers.

    I never wrote Mark's name at all till I wrote it in a 1/4 sheet of paper to be

    passed in our Psychology class for the list of our groupmates.

    And it wasn't puppy love or infatuation, or love at first sight, or anything

    that people always talk about and laugh.

    Maybe you don't know just what I mean. I can't really explain it - it's so

    hard to put in words - but, well, it was just something I'd never felt before.

    Something I'd never even known.

  • People can't tell you about things like that, you have to find them out for

    yourself. That's why it is so important.

    It was something I'll always remember because I just couldn't forget - it's a thing like that.

    One

    Everything happened this way. At the very beginning of my first year in college I

    met Mark first day, first period, first school hour, first college crush.

    The sun signals that I am late for my first period which is P.E. so I pulled anything

    in my dresser, dressed and powdered my nose a little. I brushed my hair about

    three times then shove random things in my bag.

    Im off! I yelled at Eve, my cousin and roommate. She peeked through the wall

    dividing the kitchen and the room itself.

    Dont forget your class schedule; Im sure you havent memorized anything

    yet. She smiled. I cursed under my breath and fumbled through my bag. Damn!

    Wheres that stupid class schedule, the alarm on Eves phone signals me that Im

    going to be late if Im going to move a muscle to find that darned schedule.

    Its in your drawer! Gosh! Its like you have some kind of short term memory loss or

    something. I smiled and found my class schedule exactly where Eve said it would

    be.

    First day of college life is hell. Why?

    First of, my school is just a 10 minute walk from my dorm, meaning I have to cross

    the streets alone! And I hate it, its as if anytime a car can just go over me and

    then Ill be dead before I knew it. And then the headline on a newspaper would

    go: A girl age 15 died as she was crossing the street. Talk about STUPID! One thing about me? I dont know how to cross the street; Id go ballistic if I hear horns

    beeping like mad. I dont have any experiences like road kill or anything, but

    crossing the street sure is one thing that threatens me most.

    Second, I am so new in this place I dont even know where the hell I should turn,

    left and right confuses me! So are north and south, and east and west. Directions

    for me are like solving an equation in Algebra, confusing and hard to understand.

  • Third, when Im new in one place, it seems that I am on a huge stage and even if I

    thought I circled it for a couple of times I am still not nearing the center.

    Fourth, and obviously the main reason why Im mumbling nonsense things, is

    because I am late!

    I entered the gates of my new school, looked around and saw different buildings all

    around, I gulped, where the hell is P502 B? I walked acting cool, trying to hide the

    cold sweat that is threatening to run down my face. I looked left and right no sign

    of P502 B anywhere. Students are beginning to look at me as my head turns left

    and right constantly, I caught a guy looking at me, his eyes giving me one of those

    you-are-a-freshie-and-you-dont-know-where-to-go stare.

    I just smiled at him and muttered in my breath, Exercise you know, so that your

    neck would enhance its senses. And then headed off, fast. The first bell rang and I am frantic. So I gulped every bits of dignity left in my struggling soul and went to

    ask Manong Guard, Good morning Manong, I just wanted to ask where I can find P507 B? I asked pointing at my class schedule; I saw hurrying students glanced

    over their shoulders to laugh at the poor freshie student who seems lost and

    confused.

    The guard vaguely pointed at some building, he didnt even bother to put into

    words some directions, which would be helpful enough even for someone like me,

    who seems at lost with just the word directions.

    I walked through where the guard pointed and lo and behold I saw a building called

    Perfecto. P in P507 must mean Perfecto, I ran towards it and took the steps with a

    pace of 2 steps at a time. When I reached the fifth floor I stopped to catch my

    breath. Curse this school for not having elevators! I saw 501 written on one room

    and I smiled, I walked and saw room 502, I walked passed it again and saw 503. I

    mustve skipped 502 B so I walked again, nothing happened, no matter what I do

    and no matte how many times I walk back and forth reality tells me that after

    room 502 is room 503.

    I cursed again, what is this place King Cross Station where I have to go through a

    barrier? Someone tapped me from behind and saw the guy I saw earlier. Lost? he

    asked.

  • Yeah, I said defeated. He suddenly took the class schedule from my hands, he

    studied it and he laughed. P502 B is located just besides this building; want me to

    walk you there? I nodded.

    When we reached P502 B I thanked him and he just waved and ran as the second

    bell rang. I peeked at the room and am relieved to see that the teacher has not yet

    arrived.

    And then I saw him.

    I remembered just how it was. I was standing by the door looking at the room when

    I saw him sitting, his bag on his lap. Of course I didnt know him yet, he just smiled

    to be friendly, or I just imagined that he did, but I waited a few minutes by the

    door hoping that he might stand up or walk up to the door or something, but he

    didnt.

    I entered the room, not knowing that the first day of the rest of my life had just

    begun.

    The night after that I sat by my bed and looked at the empty space on the wall, I

    saw him in English class today, he is seated in an angle where when I moved my

    head a little I could catch a glimpse of him, which I do almost all the time. I placed

    my bag where when I can turn to get some stuff I can catch a glimpse of him. All

    throughout that day I permitted myself to forget to take out my English notebook

    or immediately return my pen on my bag just so I could turn again to get it and

    get a good glimpse of him once more. Yes, I was that pathetic. Who wouldnt? He is

    handsome and all girls can attest to that.

    Next morning is Psychology, we were grouped into eight and I prayed so hard that

    when the count off starts his number would match mine, and it did. The groups

    meet and I find myself seating just a seat apart from him.

    A girl named Yuri smiled and introduces herself first, I envy that girls confidence,

    she smiled at him and held her hands to him first and she imitated the gesture to

    each one of us. When it was his turn to introduce himself, I couldnt wait to hear his

    voice, I edged a little from my seat which I realized to be pathetic so I slid back

    again, pretending that I dont care whether I hear his voice or not, besides, I already

    knew what his name was.

  • Mark. He said, and I almost blurted out I know right in front of him.

    We were then tasked to do a role play portraying inferiority and superiority

    complexes, Yuri volunteered her place so after class we headed to her house to

    practice.

    We practiced a little and talked a lot, about TV shows whether one is a Kapuso or

    not and those kinds of boring stuffs you utter just to keep the conversation alive.

    When the clock strikes 6 we are all exhausted from talking too much and Yuri

    suggested that we practice again tomorrow, we all agreed to her suggestion.

    So where are you headed? Mark asked as we reached the waiting shed.

    I looked at him to verify that he is indeed talking to me, when I looked he is already

    looking at me and I felt myself blush, I completely forgot where I lived. 5 seconds

    passed and Im speechless.

    Im headed to T. Malozo, you? Jojo, our other groupmate, replied. I thanked him in my mind; he saved me from my humiliation.

    Headed near there too. Mark replied and then looked at me again, waiting for my answer.

    Im staying at New Liason, its near T. Malonzo. I said, finally. We all rode the same jeepney and when we reached town, Jojo forgot that he has to buy dinner

    since hes living alone, which left Mark and I, alone in the jeepney with nothing left

    to say.

    When we reached the junction, the jeepney stopped and we walked to our places.

    So, can I get your number? he asked, stopping me in my tracks.

    He stopped too, I looked at him to see if he is serious, he was I

    hope. 09162036983. I said and he keyed in my number, I continued walking,

    not knowing whether he indeed saved it or he just asked to be polite.

    I should cross now, thats my dorm. I said pointing to him the blue building across the street. He just smiled at me and waved goodbye.

  • He didnt even walk me home! Or was I expecting too much? But he should at least

    accompany me to cross the street! Minus points for that, I thought. When I was

    about to forget all my craziness about him, Bianca! he shouted I looked around to see him across the streets with his hands cupped in his mouth, a gesture that made

    me laugh because it was as if I am on a different mountain instead of a different

    lane. Good night. He shouted again, I managed a waved and when I turned

    around I couldnt help but smile.

    Even when you say prayers for it, a thing almost never happens the way this did. In

    five minutes of pacing around our dorm room, just a few minutes before Mark

    shouted his good nights Id never heard my phone beep at all. It was just as if it had

    been planned, when I was about to turn off my phone, so that I wouldnt look

    stupid looking at it all night long I felt my phone vibrate in my hands. I received a

    message from Mark.

    Two

    His message wasnt like what every girl wouldve expected when you finally met the

    one you thought youd be with forever, but each letter written in my phones screen

    tells me that he, himself, keyed in those messages just for me. In case youre

    wondering his text only says good night. Sweet dreams. Yet it stayed in my inbox for months.

    P.E. was then divided into two different groups; boys played basketball while we

    girls ran and ran and ran with nowhere to go. I met friends and became close to

    them, college is beginning to be what Id imagine it to be, but somehow it still feels

    incomplete. I need him.

    One Thursday afternoon, when the heavens decided to pour so hard, something

    happened that I cant simply forget.

    What are you waiting for Eve? Christmas? I yelled at my cousin who is still

    combing her hair in front of the mirror as if 5 minutes before one isnt something

    to be frantic about especially in this storm.

    Youll walk to Gonzales building with this kind of weather? she asked me and then thankfully she already gathered her things.

    No, Ill walk by the junction and get a taxi. When I looked at the gate in our

    dorm, the rain is pouring so hard and the wind might just as well blow me away. I

  • inhaled and looked at Eve, Ready? I asked, as if were somewhat entering a

    battlefield.

    Ready when you are! she replied. I gripped my umbrella with two hands praying

    to God that it wont flip backwards due to the heavy winds. What are they waiting

    for? Tornado? Why dont they just cancel class? But if they did, this might never

    happen.

    Hey! Bianx! Isnt that Mark? Eve pointed out to a place full of people with

    umbrellas.

    haha! Funny! Lame attempt! Eve has this habit of saying oh look theres Mark.

    And Ill turn around like crazy and hes really not there. I havent told her that I like him yet, but still I talk about him 24/7.

    Mark! she yelled, and Im quite surprised that even with the heavy thuds of

    raindrops and the ear screeching blows of the wind, someone is still able to hear it

    when someone calls out his/her name.

    He waited for us and I just smiled, I dont know whether to strangle Eve because of

    happiness or just strangle her to death because Mark saw me in this state, obviously

    wet with damp hair sticking all over the place.

    Hey. He said and I just smiled. The heavy rain made the road somewhat flooded

    and I know that my cousin is trying her hardest to keep her slippers glued to her

    feet, but her attempts are so futile that one of her slippers had been swept out by

    the current.

    Humiliating as it was but I suddenly wished that it happened to me, Mark hurriedly

    bent down to get a hold of the slipper and then slipped it on my cousins foot. I

    turned scarlet because of jealousy. It was like he is Prince Charming and Eve is

    Cinderella.

    When were able to get a taxi, my cousin just waved goodbye and continued to

    venture the storm alone. Mark sat near the driver and I sat at the back, wherein

    before he entered the taxi he first opened the door for me.

    When we were nearing Gonzales building, I opened my bag to see that I left my

    wallet in our dorm! I looked at him and hes not yet opening his bag, Maybe hes

  • expecting that I would offer to pay for the fair. My insides crumble and I feel hot

    flames on my cheeks.

    What do I do??!? I asked myself. but then fortunately enough he looked at me,

    smiled and said, I got it. then he fished a hundred peso bill from his pocket and gave it to the driver.

    Lets split. I said, hoping and desperately praying that hell say its ok that I dont need to pay anything, because obviously I have nothing to give him.

    When we reached our classroom every head turned our way, with eyes looking at

    the both of us up and down, I ducked my head and hurriedly went to my seat.

    Are you two going out? I hear Yuri ask to Mark. I waited for his answer, nothing came. I waited about 15 minutes and until our English teacher arrives still there is

    no answer.

    Every now and then when I consciously forgot to get my pen in my bag I steal

    glances to where Mark is seating, until it became a habit, once I caught him looking

    at me, or I was just cross eyed to have thought that, but he smiles every time I

    catch him looking, now I know the feeling that they said in movies that feeling when

    you look at someone and he is already looking at you.

    After class that day, the teacher announced that tomorrow night we will be having

    our acquaintance party, all of us muttered our excitement, I hope they have dances

    there, and I hope Mark would ask me to dance.

    Lucky enough, Mark asked me if we can go together since our houses are just a few

    meters away, of course I nodded yes.

    Acquaintance party came and I am yet again speechless. I wanted to tell him

    something. There were so many things I had always thought about to myself and

    never wanted to tell anyone before. But I didnt want to ruin the moment, I didnt

    understand why but it is too nice of a moment to be ruined by something so

    irrelevant.

    Sadly enough there were no dances, we only sat there and watched as schoolmates

    and batch mates perform, dance and sing. I was seated in front Mark, I thought

    that I would be so uncomfortable if I seated next to him so I snaked my way

  • through the row in front of him, he could stop me, but he didnt.

    After the party we were all dead tired, and when we reached the stairs Mark

    rushed in front of me and held out his hand. It was then that I got that queer

    feeling. Maybe you wont understand what I mean. You see, I was just standing

    there thinking of nothing in particular when suddenly Mark held out his hands,

    waiting for mine to take his. I remember the wind blowing very cold on my cheeks.

    No one moved or said a word, I just stood there, staring at his hands like an idiot.. I

    could feel my thoughts loud in my brain as if they were hoarse whispers. A panicky,

    excited pulsing started in my throat. My cheeks were hot. I knew Mark is looking at

    me.

    I looked at him, finally, after what I thought was eternity and then smiled, I can

    manage. I said.

    He took his hand away and when I managed to go down, I saw him held out his

    hand to someone else.

    Three

    Days, nights, hours, minutes and seconds passed and all the more I became close to

    him. I memorized the time when he and I accidentally bump into each other on

    our way to school. I synchronized my time with his without him knowing. I knew

    that by 9:15 hell be walking by the junction where our street meets. I know that

    by 8:00 hell be texting me good morning and Id reply a little late just so it

    wouldnt feel like I was waiting for his text.

    At night I know that by 7:30 he has already eaten while Eve, Macy and I are trying

    our hardest to cook something for dinner. And that by 10:00 pm I know I shouldnt

    wait for his reply because he is already sound asleep. Thats how it was the whole

    semester, still there are those memories that I wanted to highlight the most.

    One hazy day, the last class hour of the day, when all of the students are dying to

    go home and rest, we had Algebra. I personally am not good with a+6b =

    7x+y stuffs or things like that. The perfect reason that when our Professor in Algebra called onto my name to answer an equation made my eyes blur the first

    time I looked at it.

    I walked to the board with hands shaking and mustve been slippery because of

  • sweat. How the hell would I answer that! Ill be humiliated! In front of my

    classmates and most importantly, in front of Mark. I picked up the chalk and

    prayed like crazy that they have brains on their own and that it would answer on

    its own. But chalks that move at will only happens in Matilda, and obviously I am

    no Matilda, so I racked my brain to find the little folder that stored only one file,

    Algebra.

    I spent about 5-10 minutes in front of it and when I exhausted every knowledge

    that I had, I retreated. Algebra is a battlefield that only geniuses can bear to

    fathom. And the next phrase that our Professor said is mildly unbelievable. Very

    Good. He said.

    From then on, I was known as the Math whiz, a title I didnt know Id be labeled at

    in my whole life! One time when the Professor asked to group us into three,

    instinctively those two beside me grabbed my arm and asked me to join them,

    when Mark turn around to ask me, I was already seated in a group of three so I just

    mouthed my Sorry. when all I really want to do is ditch those two and join him

    instead.

    After that were all drained with the equation and our Professor said that we could

    pass it as an assignment tomorrow, but the group who finishes it will have extra

    points for the upcoming preliminary exams, my two groupmates voiced out their

    desperation and asked me to answer it, obviously I cant. one by one groups are

    starting to disperse until only our group was left, we all then gave up its nearing 6

    pm, I gathered my things slumped my shoulders and sighed, Zarah and Bee mustve

    left, they dont want waiting long, I guess Ill be going home alone. When I went out

    many of our classmates are still there.

    Margie, the one that Mark offered to help to go down the stairs during

    Acquaintance party came to me and said, Your boyfriend is waiting for you. I

    looked at her confused and when I followed her gaze I saw Mark waving at us. I look

    at her and for a brief moment I couldve sworn I saw her eyeballs rotate 360

    degrees (if thats possible).

    He waited for me! I told myself that this must be the happiest day of my life, little

    did I know that what is about to happen the next day would be so much happier.

    After our dance practice in P.E, I immediately gathered my things and went

  • straight home to my dorm, when I reached our room, I see two empty beds, and

    my cousin Eve and Macy left a note saying that they both need to go home for the

    weekend. I shrug; I then get my phone and texted Zarah and Bee, and ask what

    theyre up to.

    Zarahs reply was short but direct to the point. Cant go, Sorry!

    Bees was lengthy and full of explanations, Sorry! cant go! I thought youre

    spending your time with your dormmates so I made other plans. Please forgive me!

    See you on Monday!

    This is the loneliest day of my entire life; I just turned 16 with no one to celebrate

    it with. I went to the mall just for the sake of it, when I felt my phone vibrated on

    my bag, I didnt take time to look at it, maybe its just Zarah or Bee saying how

    sorry they are.

    It beeped again, I fumbled through my bag and saw the name of the one who sent

    the message, my hands froze in an instant and it took me a good 3 minutes to

    breathe normally.

    Hi! Where are you? Want to go out? it was from Mark.

    I dont know what to do, Im not prepared, should I go home first? And then I read

    the other message from him, Im here in S.M. meet me here. I walk looking at my phone, I dont know what to do, the background music just makes it even

    more kilig . The band playing at the ground floor is just perfect. I walked and walked feeling the heat in my cheeks. Where would I meet him? I should go and take

    a quick re-touch in the bathroom first.

    I was walking so fast that I bumped into someone else. Opps. Sorry. I said. When I tried to move past the person I just bumped into, he blocked my way, I tried and

    then again he blocked my way, I looked at him ready to fire what violent remarks I

    have until I saw who he was.

    [For All Of My Life Start Here]

    For all of my life you are the one, I will love you faithfully forever. That moment is just perfect. I never expected it to happen the way it happened that night, it was

    surreal, and the things that I only see in movies are starting to become my

    reality. For all of my life, you are the one. Id give to you my greatest love.

  • He then took something out from his jacket, which happens to be a small box, he

    smiled at me, I didnt have time to wrap it, Im supposed to but then I see you

    here. He placed the box in my hand and I was speechless. Happy Birthday. He said.

    I opened it to see a crystal heart with Happy Birthday written at its center, I thought it was downright corny now, but then it was the sweetest thing ever.

    For all of my life. the singer ended. And for me no birthday that I had, compares to that.

    I woke up early the next morning so early that the first slashes of dawn were just

    beginning to be reflected on our dorm room wall. For a long time I lay in a warm,

    sleepy haze, looking at the alarm clock and knowing it was too early to get up and

    yet not wanting to go back to sleep again.

    In the brightness of the morning last night didnt seem quite real as if it had been

    a movie which I had sat and watched but of which I had not really been a part. I

    knew in a few more minutes Id go and prepare for school, there would be no more

    of the exquisite uncertainty of last night, no queer, tingling awe at the newness of

    the feeling, and no strange, filling satisfaction out of just being alive. All that was

    last night is memorable because Mark is the first guy that did that to me. Not

    because he was special a guy different from others- but just because hes the first

    one.

    After a while, maybe after few years when I had had so many dates that most of

    them will become hazy, I would think of last night and remember it and that

    breathless moment.

    What if he is really sweet to every girls, and what if he only did that because it is

    obvious that I am alone and sad on my first birthday in college. There is a crack

    over in one corner of the ceiling of our dorm room and I found myself unconsciously

    lining my thoughts up on either side the good and the bad. The nice things to

    remember and the things that maybe in the sunlight wouldnt be the same at all.

    It might be that he would never call or text me again and I would spend the rest of

    my college days lying in bed and trying to repiece that night and wondering where I

    couldve failed. Maybe all my life my heart would jump a little when I saw a tall and

    lean guy, whose back I had memorized from afar. Maybe every time I hear the

    name Mark I would hold my breath and be afraid to turn around to see who was

  • there in case it might be he.

    I wish now I couldve said something to him. Something quick and bright with

    happiness in it. if I could have said the right things, my whole life might have been

    different.

    [End Song here.]

    Four

    Little by little the once giddy feeling I feel every time Im with Mark turn into

    something I cannot quite comprehend. We became closer than ever, texting almost

    everyday and night. We go to school together and go home together as well.

    Every night I lay down in my bed with a certain hollowness creeping into my very

    soul. Nights that have been filled with pleasant dreams turned into ones with

    blackness as the main play. No more dreams about what happened the day before

    with certain hints of scenes that couldve happened if I know exactly what to do.

    Scrambling at my bed before drifting into nothingness became more frequent and

    everyday my roommates would ask me if I slept well that night. I wanted to tell

    them, tell them this strange feeling Im feeling that is all new to me. I wanted them

    to know whats really bothering me but I just cant.

    The next morning I got out of bed without trying to wake anybody up unlike before,

    dressed and crept to the kitchen. Just before I went to the kitchen I stopped and

    pinched my cheeks to make the muscles relax. Somehow my face felt stiff and

    unnatural. I had a strange feeling that when I sat down at the table I might not be

    able to eat at all. I might just look at everyone drinking their coffee and eating their

    breakfast and then suddenly blurt out foolishly, I like Mark. And I never knew it

    would be like this!

    But it never happened the way I thought it might be. I woke up; after I ate and

    took a bath everyone else in the room is still fast asleep. I went out early and went

    to school early.

    I tried to think of something to counteract that slur. Though I dont know just what

    I expected, I was vaguely disappointed that this was just like any other morning.

    The sun was bright in the horizon, the sleepy street is starting to buzz with its

    sleepy inhabitants and Mark, while he was waiting for me at the junction, looked

    just as calm as he always did. Maybe, I thought, I was wrong about last night, the

  • night of my birthday and maybe everything is just the same. Maybe it wasnt

    well, what I thought it was.

    But all morning, I was really waiting for him to stop and turn to look at me and

    tell me he likes me. But time passes he didnt even glance at me during classes, I

    knew this was not an ordinary day; I knew definitely that everything was not the

    same.

    That night, while we were silently walking home, he suddenly stops and looks me in

    the eyes. Every fiber in my body froze, every cell in brain stopped functioning, and I

    felt the whole world around me freeze leaving him and myself the only living

    individuals lucky enough to breathe in the cold chill that envelops the place.

    In the silence of the night I knew that his voice will be the one to break it, I like Megan. He uttered. The world that was once still and unmoving rapidly circled my

    mind; I feel my heart pounding fast in my chest as I try to recall what he said. I

    thought suddenly that there was some phrase that I missed, but I cannot find it. I

    continued to walk alongside him, groping for a sentence that hung in my mind as

    empty as space. I could never fill it nor dismissed it. I glanced back at Mark and

    remember what he just said, and my mind told me in immovable finality that my

    names not even Megan.

    I like Megan.

    I like Megan.

    I like Megan.

    His words played on and on in my head, everything in me hurts. Every molecule in

    my body cursed him with spiteful words, every molecule, except that one who is still

    stubborn enough not to let go.

    Megan and Mark never happened. I think she never knew that he liked her, Mark is

    afraid to confess, thats what he said, but I think it was because Megan like Carlo

    more and Marks stupid ego cannot bear to fathom defeat.

    I forgave his stupidity that night, there is still time I thought. Time to patch things

    up and maybe in the process hell notice me as the girl he never notices before.

  • Finals came and that day that Ive been dreading to happen never came, rather God

    gave me something more inspiring.

    I prayed to every saints that I know of, called every angels name and even invented

    one. I called cupid, the angel of wisdom, the angel of intelligence, the angel of

    memory. I call all of them as I try to remember what places does Region 8 consists.

    I never really liked history, and our final exam is the hardest. We were ought to fill

    the blank map with the correct places, Im on a roll I can answer it without blinking

    but when I reached Region 8 I panicked. Not a single place or city came to my

    mind. I looked at the ceiling and stared at the rotating ceiling fan, I felt dizzy. I

    looked down and my shoes held no answers. I tried to answer Region 9 but my

    mind is blank. I panicked. Many of my classmates are already passing their test

    papers; I looked at both sides of me and is relieved that Bee and Zarah hasnt

    passed their papers yet. I called the angel of luck; I think he, himself, ran out of it.

    I bowed my head down and placed my pen in my head, I can hear my pen telling

    my brain to work when I look up I saw Mark smiling at me.

    Good luck. he said.

    Results came the other day and I was called first. I have the highest score, I

    accidentally caught Marks gaze and he winked at me, I smiled. He mustve been my

    angel.

    Days, hours, minutes and seconds past until the last day of the school semester

    came. Our block decided to plan a party. It didnt happen the way I always expect it

    to be, there were no declarations of love, worst he hadnt talked to me at all that

    entire party.

    When the party is over we decided to just walk back to our dormitories. Zarah, Bee,

    Drake, Mark and I escorted Megan home. I looked at Mark and I see the way he

    looks at Megan, if they were alone I think Mark wouldve hugged her. I silently

    thanked God that they werent.

    Mark said his goodbye and Megan hugged Zarah, Bee and me. I suddenly wished

    that they were alone so that Mark would not feel this way.

    We walk silently on our way home until all thats left is Bee, Mark and me. Bee

  • turned in the junction and bid goodbye, I almost cried. Ill miss Bee the most this

    semester break.

    Mark sent me home, when we reached the gate he looked at me and smiled.

    Dont forget to text and update me, okay?

    I wont.

    Silence. He just stood there and I stupidly did the same. At one moment there I

    thought he would hug me, I silently prayed that he would but the only thing he did

    was to take my hand and give it a little squeeze.

    Semester break came and I am stuck doing nothing and one bizarre night when I

    think Mark has already forgotten about his good friend Bianca I took my phone and

    texted him something that can change the course of our lives forever.

    "I think I'm starting to like you." my hands are trembling as i hit send as the only thought in my mind screams, "Please say it back.

    A queer tired, feeling crept over me and through me until even my hands went

    limp. I didnt even feel like a girl anymore. And all my thoughts turned into little

    prayers which I meant so much that it made me ache all over. Just once. I kept

    saying. Let him call just once.

    But he didn't.

    Five

    Somehow when my phone doesnt ring or beep it seems even more noisily present

    than if it is constantly buzzing. As each day went by it became more evident that he

    didnt mean to call. Every time I went into the dining room I could feel my phone

    on the corner table where I placed it behind my back, almost as if it were someone

    staring at me. if it beeped while I was upstairs and I left it somewhere, I waited,

    breathless, praying that footsteps would come and someone would call up, Bianca,

    someone named Mark is calling you. When I was washing my face in the bathroom I

    left the door open just a little so I could hear its ring over the noise of the water

    from the faucet. And as the end of the week drew nearer, each ring or beep made

  • that lump in my throat harder and heavier.

    The days of the semester break were filled with monotonous sameness. At first I

    tried to make myself feel glad that I was awake and that the morning was beautiful.

    Its almost second semester and I havent heard a single word from him, didnt he

    tell me not to forget to update him? Was I supposed to be the only one updating?

    Was I supposed to say to him that he should not forget to update me too? What if

    he forgets all about me? Or worst, what if he thought I was weird because I told

    him I like him.

    I raked over that last evening with him carefully looking for a sentence or even a

    word that could make him angry, quickly skipping over the parts that were so

    lovely that it hurt to remember.

    Am I supposed to stand this? Am i supposed to keep my lips moving with small

    weekday words when my throat aches with longing and my mind keeps

    remembering that once-upon-a-time memories with Mark? It wasnt fair that

    everything was so full of loveliness and remembering so full of everything I wanted. I

    wasnt old enough to have to stand all this.

    The last night of vacation came and here I am, lying in my bed, back in our

    dormitory, I thought and thought so long that every thought in my head turned

    into a little prayer, and the longing seemed to suck all other ideas from my head

    until the whole bed, the whole darkness of the room was keeping time to the words

    that beat and beat in my head. Through the window the night breezes came with

    the smell of something nice and my prayers went on and on, ends linked to

    beginnings in an endless chain, till my thoughts were a steady chant of Let him

    call, let him call! and I kept saying it, again and again, even after I shut my eyes.

    I woke up to realize that this is the morning where I get to see him again, it is our

    enrollment day. I looked at my phone and my hands trembled when I saw that I

    have one unread message.

    HEY!!! So excited to see you! Come early so we could still have some time to enjoy

    our last days of freedom! Bee

    I smiled what if I see him today? Will he ask me how my vacation went? Will I

  • answer him with, I waited for your message? Will he tell me that his phone was snatched and for some acceptable reasons he didnt get to memorize my number?

    Will I tell him that its ok? That Ive been busy enough not to be able to notice?

    What if he asks me about the message he received that day when I told him I like

    him? Will I just pretend to die out of shame because of that?

    My mind was filled with empty thoughts of how Im going to face him, of little

    things that couldve happened if ever I came across his path. In my head were mini

    movies on how Ill react for some possible things that he can ask me, and I can help

    but smile every time I think of the possibility that hes just waiting to talk to me in

    person and tell me that he likes me too.

    His thoughts occupied me and made my temper a whole lot longer while I was busy

    waiting in line for the enrollment. i am all enrolled and ready for the next semester

    when I noticed that I havent seen him yet.

    I looked everywhere for him, but there was no sign until finally I received a message

    from him.

    I just finished step 2 and they said our block is already full. I was transferred to

    another block.

    We were not classmates that semester and I can pretty much tell you that nothing

    really happened that semester.

    Once in a while I would go out of our classroom to take a look at his classroom, I

    caught a glimpse of him every now and then but I was too weak to even smile.

    What he did to me was so unbearable that I couldnt even look at him in the eye. I

    was hurt. And I was wishing that somehow he felt that too.

    My mind tells me that all thats happened that semester is completely lost and gone

    with the wind. But when he texted me that night asking me how I was, I knew that

    I was only fooling myself. Call me crazy, but from then on I realized that everything

    he did everything that he did wrong and everything that he will do will always be

    okay. I had given him the power to hurt me, I surrendered to that, and that it is

    okay.

    We became close again though we hadnt had the chance to talk face-to-face, there

    were times when he would say that he needed tutoring in Statistics and he would

  • go to our dormitory or well both go to the library and there I would tutor him.

    Oftentimes he would text me and asks me if he could photocopy my notes in certain

    subjects where we have the same professors. Id give it to him and in those times he

    would ask me if I can accompany him and I would.

    There was one time when he asked me if I could join him research something for

    public speaking and I did, he made a speech about mixing different cocktails while I

    made something about hotels made from ice.

    All the little things we do together became my only thought at night and little by

    little I find myself remembering everything that happened ever since I met him.

    I wanted so badly to cry with this strange emotion that Im feeling. Not big, loud

    sobs, but just sit by myself without making any noise and let the tears trickle slowly

    and silently without my having to stop them. I tried to force my mind back, back to

    the time before I knew Mark; but it kept puttering with little memories on the way

    and I could get past that night of my 16th birthday. Pictures kept see-sawing

    before my eyes till I was sick with unhappiness and confusion and my heart felt sore

    as bruise.

    And then I finally surrendered.

    I still love him.

    Six

    There was nothing special about second year. I waited a year to make Mark realize

    that I am the one but days passed until finally we are now uncertain if were going

    to make it to third year.

    Unlike my first year in college, second year was something that I cannot remember

    anything about. Except those few moments where Mark would tell me to tutor him

    in Physics or even Statistics. We texted day and night, we meet once in a while but I

    admit I cannot remember it all.

  • The end of second year means the start of hell day in our school, it is the time

    where fate tells you if youll be able to graduate at the school you worked your butt

    off for about two years or you choose another school where you can continue your

    so-called path to your profession.

    Quota was the dreaded topic when you reach second year, you have to push harder

    and aim higher to be able to get through. Teachers are beginning to start counseling

    all students that if ever one cannot pass through quota it is still not the end of their

    dreams. I think not. For me we are too young to experience that kind of rejection,

    but still we choose to continue on all throughout second year, we have to face it no

    matter what.

    When I was at home and Zarah told me that cards are already being released, I

    asked my parents if I can go on my own to get it.

    While on the bus I held the rosary tight in my hands, Im beginning to tremble

    because our Professor in Physics is hell, and if ever he failed me in that subject then

    my dream, well my parents dream of me becoming a nurse will just go down the

    drain. Plus I fear rejection so much that if I ever failed in that subject I think I

    would just die. I held the rosary tight in my hands and constantly prayed until I felt

    my phone vibrate in my bag.

    I never thought of him all throughout that day until I saw who sent me the message

    and I think you know who I meant.

    Where are you? Lets get our report cards together ok? my hands trembled and I

    almost dropped my phone as I keyed in Sure.

    When I reached school the rosary is still in my hands I saw Mark and we made our

    way through the line. In my head theres only one prayer thats been going on and

    on, and how strangely enough that even at this situation Im still able to think of his

    wellbeing. My constant prayer that day was, please let me pass all my subjects, and

    Marks as well. Please pass us, and if I wasnt able to pass it all please make it sure

    that Mark makes it to the quota. I repeated that same prayer over and over again, and Im telling you this because it is the truth. I am not even lying.

    I am in depth in praying when Mark said, Look whos in front of you.

  • I look up to see Jan talking to some girl whose name I dont recall and he keeps on

    glancing at us.

    Jan was my suitor during my first year in college, second semester. Mark and I

    arent classmates then, but still he says he sees us and hears gossips about Jan

    courting me.

    I never really liked Jan, I only see him as a friend and that was that. I didnt know

    hes already courting me but when he tried to hold my hand one night when he

    brought me home I knew that things will not end up right.

    Jan then asked me if he could court me, which I think is really a stupid question. If I

    said yes, then he might think that he has the chance and if I dont say yes in the

    end hell think that I just gave him false hopes. When he asked me if he wanted to

    court me I said no.

    And after that he told almost all his close friends that I was giving him hints that I

    like him and that I gave him false hopes after that day I never talked to him, ever

    again.

    I looked at Mark and I rolled my eyes, As if.

    Should I call him and stay here instead? he kidded. I punched him and he laughs, until were nearing the door where our report cards are issued. I asked him to go

    first, and in that moment I knew that he is dead nervous. The rosary thats been

    clutched in my hands for about five hours felt like it is beating in my hands, I took

    it off and then pushed it to him, its all sweaty, but I seriously think that it has

    given me so much luck.

    He smiled, but I may not be able to give it back to you right away.

    Thats ok, I held it for hours, I think it has given me all the luck that it can give me. he smiled and then entered the room. I went after him. I didnt open my

    report card until I saw him waiting for me in one corner. My heart beats loudly in

    my chest.

    When he saw me he smiled. "I passed them all." Thats when I raised my hand to open the crumpled paper in my hand, I located Physics first and I got an 84.

    We both passed everything, we didnt have time to eat after that for we were both

  • excited to go home and tell our parents that we might just be lucky enough to get

    through the quota.

    I cant even tell you quite how it happened. I mean, it was the sort of thing that

    happens so fast that you cant even piece it together again afterward. It was when

    we reached the bus and he took my hand to place the rosary that I lent him that

    day, Thank you. He said. You are indeed my lucky charm.

    Days passed and I cant even think about Mark anymore, days ended, and the night

    always signals that anytime of the day results of our quota will come. The quotas

    rule is for the 1,500 students enrolled in nursing, you should be at least at the top

    500 to be able to get in. Grades are the only thing that matters, I reevaluated and

    counted my weighted average.

    One night Mark texted me and told me that results will come the next morning, we

    texted about what ifs and that if ever one of us cant make it well still be friends no

    matter what. Mark didnt thought that that night I asked God, to give me a sign,

    that if both of us will pass the quota then we had a chance to prove to Him that we

    both belong together.

    Dawn came and Im restless,

    "Lets sleep."

    "I cant. the thought of quota is still haunting me."

    "Do you want me to sing you a lullaby?"

    I smiled at his reply and I replied, sure, wait! I might get nightmares.

    haha! Just think about that night when we were crazy in the videoke with Bee and

    Dean. Im crazy for you. Touch me once and youll know its true. Ive never wanted

    anyone like this it so brand new, youll feel it in my kiss. Im crazy for you.

    The moment I opened my eyes, the sun is already glaring at my window, I look at

    my phone to see Marks lullaby and I smiled, and then I noticed two unread

    messages.

  • I opened Mark first and it said.

    I passed the quota!!!! Someone texted me!!!!! should I ask if you did?

    My whole body trembled as I prayed that the other unread message is from some

    random friend who is going to tell me that I passed the quota as well.

    And it was.

    And the thought in my mind became as warm and mellow as the sunlight. How

    odd, I thought. How wonderfully, wonderfully odd that God indeed hears my

    prayers.

    Seven

    Third year was the most promising year of my entire college days, though many

    wonderful things happened to me that year sad things always come along. And

    never will I forget the only guy who saved me from being so helplessly broken,

    though his name is not Mark.

    I cannot remember the time when Dan and I met, I cannot remember how he and I

    first talked. I cannot recall how he and I were introduced. The only thing I can

    clearly remember is I had the biggest crush on him when we were in second year, I

    texted him once and that was that. I dont remember clearly how it suddenly began

    to be us. I cant simply remember because he isnt Mark, as simple as that.

    Dan saved me a million times, he might not know it, but he did. He saved me from

    Mark and in that time, that is the only thing that Ive ever needed, to be saved

    without asking someone to save me.

    Dan saved me when during our practice for capping he tugged my hair and he

    constantly made fun of me.

  • You are my Yaya. Have you washed the dishes already? Why are you here? he said

    joking.

    Our uniform was like that of a maid, it is color pink and has an apron on it. During

    second year Mark calls me Majinbu while I call him Picolo, too much Dragon ball I

    think. But this isnt really about him.

    I slapped Dans arm and retorted, Where did you park my BMW?! If that gets

    stolen you are so fired!

    Come here you. He said as he grabbed my shoulders and placed his arms

    comfortably on it. He then pointed at something at the opposite direction, Can you

    see that?

    I narrowed my eyes to see what it was, but I cant see a thing. What

    There he said pointing vaguely at an empty space, his arms still resting

    comfortably on my shoulders.

    There is nothing there. I said and when I looked at him, his pointing finger

    touched my face and he laughed and said, One point.

    I laughed and he did, and instinctively my eyes fell at the upper bleachers and I saw

    Mark, looking at us. I didnt even removed Dans arms on my shoulders that day. I

    didnt, for I wanted Mark to hurt like I did.

    Mark then noticed that I was looking at him, he waved his hand at me and I

    stupidly did the same, he smiled and mouthed Majinbu. I laughed, one word, I

    thought, only one word. Thats all it takes for me to forget those thousands of

    happy times that Ive been with Dan, and I cringed at that realization.

    Our capping ceremony came and I still carry that secret joke Mark and I shared

    during practice. When the ceremony ended I tried to find Mark amongst the

    hundreds of students just to wish him congratulations. I pleaded to God to let me

    find him, to hug him for the first time in two years that weve been best friends . I didnt found him that night, I found Dan, instead.

  • Dan and I are classmates, we sit together during class hours, we go to the canteen

    together during break time and we eat together during lunch.

    Then one day, out of nowhere, he held my hand and then looked at me straight in

    the eyes. We just finished lunch and are heading back to school, when he just

    stopped and took my hands. I cannot remember well, because I still honestly hope

    that it was Mark instead.

    Bianky. He started his voice unsteady. Will you be mine? I knew this is coming, but I never expected that it would be that soon. I didnt know what to say, weve

    been friends ever since summer started, ever since first day of our third year. I am

    speechless and I cannot even find the right words to tell him that I still love Mark. I

    cant I said to myself. I cant hurt Dan like that, he saved me from being lonely, and

    he had given me the things Ive been praying Mark would give me.

    I cant just dismiss him without giving him the chance, the chance to prove myself

    that I can still love another. Still I cant find the words to tell him, I dont want to

    say yes, oddly and confusing enough, I just wanted to say I want to give you

    chance. But that would sound awful, about 10 minutes we stood there at the schools main gate, not even the sweetest place to be when being asked by something

    as sweet as this, I stared back at his eyes, seeing his sincerity. I smiled, and I think

    he knew what it meant.

    Start featured song here:Wish.

    Rumor has it that Mark is already going out with someone on their block, he is not

    constantly texting me now the way we did before, still I heard rumors.

    Her name is Scarlet Sy, students dont actually like her, I dont know why, Marks

    block mates dont want her for him either, yet he still wanted to go out with her.

    At that moment I envied Scarlet Sy, I envied every fiber in her body because Mark

    is fighting against all odds for Scarlet Sy, and I just wanted to be her, even just for

    a second.

    I was afraid to ask Mark if ever it is true. So I asked Zarah to meet me one night,

    just to subtly ask her about Mark.

    Hi Bianx! It seems like I havent seen you in ages! she said.

  • I know. I said, my mind feeling for the easy, noncommittal words.

    What have you been doing? I heard that youve been dating Dan for almost a week

    now. She went on, and I told her nothing, nothing at all except the usual things that Dan and I had been doing.

    oh. And you know what, I heard that Mark her voice trailed off a little.

    Go on. Go on. What about Mark? Are the rumors true? Is he dating Scarlet Sy? Tell

    me. Please tell me and dont make me ask, my mind said, but the words from my

    mouth came with slow unconcern, I heard.

    The next words I seemed to see rather than hear, as if they come out, black and

    magnifying before my eyes, I suppose, Zarah said simply, I suppose you know that Mark has been dating Scarlet Sy again? He and Scarlet went out before but it

    didnt work out so she knew I hadnt known, she knew. But how else could it be

    said?

    For over a week, she told me. Ever since that time I had gone out with Dan. Almost

    every night since then. To yellowcab and to our school. Scarlet Sy had told all the

    girls she was going out with Mark again. Scarlet Sy, had told everyone. After all, it

    had been well over a week.

    I was glad Zarah kept talking for I wasnt sure of my own voice then. Those minutes

    in front of her were so long I couldnt even remember ever having talked before.

    After talking to Zarah I went straight to my room, ever since I passed the quota,

    my parents told me that it is best to have a room on my own and I was glad I did.

    Because what I did next is the most stupid thing I couldve done in my entire

    existence of liking and loving Mark.

    I grabbed my phone, keyed in his number and without even thinking called him.

    Hello? he answered.

    Hey. I said, How are you?

    Fine. You?

  • Fine. And then there was nothing but silence.

    I cleared my throat, I heard that you are gong out with someone. I said as

    cheerfully as I possibly could.

    Yes. He answered back.

    Why didnt you tell me? I said, trying my hardest to lie to myself that I am okay.

    Because he trailed off, I dont want to hurt you. You are with Dan now I cannot find my voice to answer back that I am not at least hurt, but I have been

    lying all the time to him, and I cant lie anymore. I really, really like her.

    I smiled despite of the tears forming in my eyes, I tried to sound of a laugh but it

    came too awkward. I hear his breathing on the other line and I knew that I should

    let him go.

    Its okay. Im done. I said, then pressed the red button to end the call, I

    remembered that night, that night when I stupidly cried myself to sleep.

    End Song Here.

    Eight

    For quite some time Dan has been my sanctuary whenever I feel sad, he filled my

    days with simple yet happy memories that are enough to bury what I feel with

    Mark. Not completely forget about it, because that would be impossible.

    I know at that time that it was wrong to use Dan just to cover up the pain, but

    what else can I do, I was desperate and I sacrificed everything just for the sake of

    feeling some selfish kind of happiness.

    Dan walked me home everyday, accompanies me to the mall whenever Im bored,

    and makes me laugh when he notices that something is bothering me. Dan was

    everything I wanted Mark to be, the only thing is, he isnt Mark at all.

  • Still Dan did everything for me, so I decided to bury Mark in my thoughts.

    One thing Ill never forget was when during Valentines Day Dan surprised me twice,

    Valentines Day and the day after that.

    Never in my entire college life had I received something for Valentines, not until I

    met Dan. We are having our clinical duty then and it didnt start very well at that.

    I yearned for lunch time to come, signaling a 30 minute break and at least 3 hours

    of yet another excruciating battle with our Clinical Instructor.

    Lunch came and half of our group including I, went downstairs to the locker room

    to get our lunches. When I opened my locker I saw a test tube filled with pink and

    blue sand, and a letter rolled inside as if it mimics a message in a bottle.

    I pulled out the cork to see what he wrote, and there I saw his sloppy handwriting.

    Bianx,

    Happy Valentines Day. Will you go out with me this Saturday? If yes, please do text

    me your answer. I care about you. Now and Forever.

    Dan

    I looked at the last word that Dan wrote, forever. Something in my heart tells me

    not to believe in that word, because I know, I just know, that I can spend forever

    with Dan.

    Saturday came and we spent the whole day together. He gave me a single pink rose

    and cruised along the roads of Baguio. It was fun, but I knew in my heart that I was

    only hurting him. I need to stop this, my selfishness must end here.

    Months came and i still didnt have the courage to let Dan go. I cant, the thought of

    being alone while Mark is happy is killing me. So I put up with him for awhile.

    But my conscience is stronger than my wants.

    One night I asked Dan to meet me, and it was indeed hard to let him go, he has

    been my savior for quite sometime and I learned to care about him as well.

  • I like someone else. I started. The words came out a struggle.

    He touched my hand and brushed it for a while, I know that.

    But why did you let me use you?

    I dont want to see you sad.

    No single tear formed my eyes that night, but my heart seems like it is being

    crushed in my chest.

    Im so sorry.

    He raised my head and made me look at him, Its ok. I made myself do it.

    Friends?

    Something around us moved, making some silent distant noise. The silence of the

    night seemed loudly with the rustle of the trees. Something in me was suddenly

    alive. It was something new, something I had only felt in the last few days. It was

    warm, strange and beating and I wasnt even sure what the feeling meant. And

    somehow I was afraid to know.

    Wed better go Dan.? I said quietly Please. And I tried to keep my thoughts out of my words as I said it.

    I had been so happy myself for the past few days that I hadnt had time to notice.

    But that night I realized something in both Dan and I had changed. I had to admit

    that I was happy with Dan, and somehow it pains me to see him go.

    I was happy.

    For a while.

    Nine

    One night when I was in third year I received a message from Mark asking how I

    was. Dan and I have broken up about a week from then so I cant simply tell him

  • that. I still want him to bury the idea that I am in love with someone else when in

    fact its always been him all along.

    I told him I was fine. And then he told me about the problems concerning him and

    Scarlet Sy, most of his friends who knew Scarlet Sy didnt want Mark to date her. I

    didnt know why, still I never asked.

    Then before I knew it I was texting him about his feelings for me. Do you have any

    feelings for me? I asked.

    I didnt quite remember what and how I felt that night, only his reply was the one

    worth remembering.

    Yes. He said.

    I was quite thrilled with what he said that I cant simply reply at all, I was with my

    groupmates and they saw how happy I was that night, only to be heartbroken one

    minute later.

    I didnt mean it the way you understood. Were friends, and I like you. But you

    have Dan, and I have Scarlet, its better off like this. I dont want to hurt other

    people.

    I felt dizzy by his reply, I suddenly held onto a chair to balance my gait. What just

    happened there?

    A slow thought eased myself into my mind and grew and grew until I knew it was

    the truth. I knew it as certainly as if I had read it printed in the paper. Just

    thinking made my heart hurt with a throbbing ache till I felt that it would ease it if

    I could hold it for a moment, with its pulsing ache, in the warmth of my hands. I

    knew, and the palms of my hands tingled with desire just to touch him, and

    thinking of it made my breath feel dry in my throat. I knew then there was no use

    pretending or trying to silence and could my memory with forced thoughts.

    Sometime, sometime I need to see Mark again and I knew it.

    Jane, one of my groupmates, came to me and asked me what happened and I told

    her.

  • She told me that what I did with Dan and with myself is wrong. That hurting as

    much as I did with a guy like Mark is not even worth it. she told me things that

    hurt and I know half of them are true. But I still choose not to believe in it.

    You werent nice to him Jane. You werent rude to him but you werent nice to

    him, either, none of you. None of you understood him that was all. There was no

    resentment, no bitterness. It was just something I wanted to say out of the thought

    of having to protect him.

    But it couldnt end as soundlessly and as painlessly as all of these had begun that I

    knew. All the days and nights and warm weeks of sunshine couldnt fade away into

    nothingness like whispers as soon as they were spoken. They were too full for that.

    There was too much behind it. Even as I counted those last hours I knew that

    something had to happen. I didnt know what it would be but I knew it would come

    somehow.

    Ten

    Time comes and passes so fast we didnt know that some things in our lives are

    nearing at its end. That night when Jane lectured me about Mark ended the way I

    didnt expected it to end. Mark texted Jane that he cant live without me, and I was

    a fool to believe in that.

    I was already in my fourth year in college when Ive come to realize that all these

    years I had lived in the shadow of Mark, still I was afraid that if I choose to move on

    Ill hurt so much that the pain would just kill me.

    And then things happened in different ways we cant explain. February 14, 2009,

    when I was sick and almost dying in my bed. Mark asked Jannina, someone in their

    group to be his girlfriend.

    We still go out, just the two of us and it made Jannina very jealous. Thats when

    bad news about me began to spread. Second semester. Fourth year. Just when I was

    about to abandon all this craziness, Jannina spread the news that I had been

    snaking Mark away from her. That I had been plotting some sneaky schemes just to

    make her and Mark break up.

  • The thought of it was absurd, yet having to be stared at and whispered about was

    hard. Im graduating in college, Ill be reviewing for the local boards, Ill be taking an exam that Ive been preparing for, for the past few years and here she was

    spreading some stupid scandal about me.

    Whenever she and Mark fight Im always the one to blame. I started avoiding Mark

    but he gets angry at me, saying that he can abandon a relationship just to make me

    stay. He made me believed in that.

    So when Jannina asked me if I was willing to go and talk to her I willingly obliged.

    Just to clear things up between me and her. she then told me that Mark is only

    using me to make her jealous, that those times when I thought I didnt know that

    she knows that Mark and I are together are planned by him. And then she started

    crying and telling me that at that time she needed refuge and that she had been

    drinking with some guys and had actually kissed one when she was so drank with

    depression. She pleaded not to tell Mark anything.

    After our confrontation I went to see Mark, I didnt tell him a thing about what

    Jannina and I talked about but I made him subtly choose. And he said that come

    tomorrow morning he will break up with her.

    It never happened, after that night Mark texted me and told me that he had fixed

    everything between him and Jannina and that he told Jannina that she had

    nothing to blame on me his exact words I can remember clearly, its as if it was

    screaming in my head like some wake up call. Ok na. Kami na ulit. Pinagtanggol

    kita.

    Thats the time that I realized to let him go. That it is time for me to put myself

    first because obviously he had already chosen her.

    I learned things from him that I never knew before. Lots of things I know what it

    means when people are really happy, when they are really alive. My friends feel

    sorry for me but I dont care. I saw him lots of times when none of them even

    knew I was out with him. I cant count how many times Ive been with him, its been

    so many. They will never know all the things we talked about and all the things he

    said. I know everything about him. They didnt know he liked me. And no matter

    what ever happens. No matter what ever happens. No matter what everyone thinks

    and whether I ever see him again Im not sorry. I dont regret a thing.

  • I lay in my bed wondering sadly how long how many days and nights it would

    take me to forget about Mark. How long before I could listen to soft music on the

    radio and be able to face the shining sun without him coming into my mind. It

    would take a very long time. It would take me a very long time.

    Epilogue

    Five years after

    In the morning the sky was dazzling blue with clean, white puffs of clouds scattered

    high over it. There was something brightly expectant about the morning as if the

    sun had been up for hours and hours just waiting for the rest of the world to wake

    up.

    It is my 25th summer on earth, 17 years of it I had lived without Mark, four years

    that I had been hopelessly in love with him and five of it when I finally chose myself

    over him for some reasons.

    I sat at the back of the benches having to witness Mark and a veiled bride

    exchanging vows. The ceremony ended and they faced us as husband and wife. He

    never knew that I was there, yet I swear he stared at my direction for quite

    sometime until he surrendered on having to think where he couldve met me. They

    walked along the aisle hand by hand, with silly grins on their faces acting like fools

    in love.

    I could not help wishing that there wasnt so much sadness in growing up. It was all

    so confused in my mind. There had been long, long days of being young and not

    wondering about tomorrow at all and thinking in a strange, forgotten childs world.

    There were days when my thoughts were as mild as feathers and even an hour

    seemed like a long time. Then suddenly it was like turning a sharp corner you

    were older and the things that counted when you were young didnt count anymore

    at all, and looking back, you couldnt even see them. Growing up crowds your mind

    with new thoughts and new feelings so that you forget how you used to think and

    feel.

    I walked out of the church and waited at the waiting shed for a bus to come and

    take me so that I can venture the world with the new me, the me who wasnt

  • burden with so much sadness just because of Mark. I welcomed the me that I was

    before I met Mark. I feel so light again.

    I sat by the window and the bus started to move pass by. And I saw it all glide past

    me, lopped off by fence posts, and I felt myself feel light inside with a quite

    happiness. And now I knew suddenly that it could come and could come forever,

    slipping by in the breath of the moment, and yet never again would there ever be

    anything quite as wonderful as having to fulfill a wish the time I asked about it

    when the clock strikes 11:11.

    ~Fin


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