About the Author...Mark W. Haefner Top 10 Tips When Going Through or Considering Divorce 2 About the...

MarkW.Haefner

Top10TipsWhenGoingThroughorConsideringDivorce

2

AbouttheAuthorMarkW.Haefner isanattorneyspecializing in family lawandspendsthevastmajorityofhistimerepresentingclients incontested family lawmatters.Forover tenyears,Markhasbeenincreasinghisskillsandknowledgeintheareaoffamilylawandprideshimselfonhisabilitytosuccessfully settleor litigate themajorityof his cases.WhileMarkdoespractice all over thestate, the majority of his time is spent in the St. Louis metropolitan area and surroundingcounties.Hevolunteershistimeandskillswithmanylocalcharitiesandisactiveinhischurch.

MarkW.Haefner


3

DisclaimerThise-bookisdesignedtointroducethereaderto importantconceptsandinformationaboutdivorce. Itwaswrittenasgeneral informationand isnotasubstitute forgood legalcounsel,nor should it ever be construed as legal, psychiatric, psychological, tax, or any otherprofessionaladvice. Simplyreadingthisbookdoesnotcreateanattorney-clientrelationship.Courtdecisionsandlawschangeoften,whichcancauseanynumberofthese“tips”tochangeaswell. This book is intended to provide a simple frameworkwithwhich to guide you or alovedonethroughthemostimportantandchallengingtransitionlikelyeverfaced.

MarkW.Haefner


4

Contents1.OrganizationisKeytoSuccess...................................................................................................5

2.GetoffSocialMedia...................................................................................................................7

3.MakeaParentingPlanthatMakesSense..................................................................................9

4.SeeaTherapist.........................................................................................................................12

5.Don’tGetEmotionalAboutAssets...........................................................................................14

6.Don’tGiveInBecauseYouAreMentallyExhausted................................................................16

7.TryandReachASettlement.....................................................................................................18

8.Don’tBeAfraidToTakeYourCaseToATrial...........................................................................20

9.PickTheRightAttorney............................................................................................................22

10.ListenToYourAttorney..........................................................................................................25

Conclusion....................................................................................................................................27

MarkW.Haefner


5

1.Organization:TheKeytoSuccessThis isanemotionaltime.Yourmind isgoingtobegoing inamilliondifferentdirectionsandrunning through a million different scenarios. What is going to happen to my retirementaccount?Whogetsthehouse?WhatarewegoingtodowiththekidsatChristmas?

Thereisnowaytomentallyprepareyourselfforwhatyouaregoingthrough.Thisisgoingtobeadifficulttimeandthereisnowaytoknowtheanswerstoallofyourquestions.Thatbeingsaid, there is a way you can best be prepared for whatever lies ahead. That way is to getorganized.

Ihaveasecret-Iamnotgoodatorganizingthings.IhatehavingtositandwritedownwhatIneed to do. I have even put off writing this for months because other things came up.However,whenitreallycamedowntoit,IknewthatinordertobesuccessfulIhadtofocusonwhat needed to be done. You need to do the same thing and you are going to beoverwhelmed.So,let’sbreakthisdownsoyoucangetorganizedandbesuccessfulovertime,ratherthanthrowingitonyouallatonce.

Let’s start with what is necessary for you to get divorced in the state of Missouri: TheStatementofIncomeandExpensesandtheStatementofProperty.Copiesoftheseformsareonmy website (www.haefnerlaw.com). These are documents that get filed in all Missouridivorcecasesandinsomeplaces,St.LouisCountyincluded,theyneedtobefiledatthesametimeasthePetitionforDissolution.Oftentimes,youwillneedtoupdatethembeforetrial,sobesuretosavethemsoyoudon’thavetostartoverfromscratch.

Firstofall, theseare important forms. I amalways shockedat theattorneyswho rush theirclientsontheseforms.Whenitcomestomanyoftheissuesyouaregoingtobefacing,theseformscanbethedifferencebetweenwinningandlosingcertainissues. Takeyourtimefillingthemout.Ifyourcaseendsupgoingtotrial,theseformswillbeused.Whethertheyareusedinyourfavororagainstyoudependsontheamountoftimeyouspendtoensuretheyaredoneright.

WhereIseethemostproblemsiswhenpeoplehavenoideawhattheyareactuallyspendinginamonth.IfIaskedyourightnow,“howmuchdoesitcostforyoutoeateachmonth?”,couldyou giveme a dollar amount? Odds are, the answer is no - you have no idea. What somepeopledoisputdown$100.00inthatspot.Thisaveragesoutto$3.28perdayinfood.Ihave

MarkW.Haefner


6

noideahowyoulive,butmyguessisthatyouarespendingaheckofalotmorethanthatonfood for yourself each day. My suggestion is to track your spending, if possible, and begeneroustoyourselfwhenlistingexpensesifitisnotpossibletotrackthemforamonth.Don’tgocrazy(asthatcanhurtyoujustasbad),butunderstandthatitlikelycostsyouatleast$5.00toeatatafastfoodplaceforasinglemeal.

Thekeytoknowingwhatyouactuallyneedpermonthisknowingwhatyouactuallyspendpermonth.Thisisespeciallyimportantifyouoryourspouseisgoingtobebringingmaintenance,formerlyknownasalimony,asanissueinyourdivorce.Takethetimetogetaccuratenumbersonyourdebts,monthlypayments,andaverageexpensesonutilities.

When it comes to the Statementof Property, knowingwhat yourmarriagehas accumulatedand where it is located is extremely helpful when doing discovery. Knowing where theretirementandsavingsaccountsareandevenknowingthevalueofthevehiclesyoubothowncanalsobeextremelyimportant.

TheseStatementsare timeconsumingandcannotberushed. Fill themoutcompletely. Youwillhavetodothematsomepointanyway,sotakethetimetodothemright.Ifyouputdowninaccurateinformation,youwillsufferforitlater.

Takeyourtimeandstartwiththesedocuments. Youwillbesurprisedabouthowtheymakeyougetorganizedquickly.Oncethesearedone,alotofyour“homework”isfinishedanditisuptoyourlawyertoworryaboutwhattodowiththemoncetheyhavethesethoughtfulandcompletedocuments.

MarkW.Haefner


7

2.GetOffSocialMediaThisseemssimple,yetitisshockinghowoftenthisadviceisignored.Youaregoingtobegoingthrougha lotofemotional stuff in the foreseeable future. Socialmedia, includingFacebook,Twitter,andwhateverelseisgoingonthesedays,ismadeforyoutoputyourthoughtsoutintotheworldforeveryonetosee.ThatisNOTwhatyouneedrightnow,astherearegoingtobemomentsoffrustration,anger,hate,andsadness.

Pleasedonotunderestimatehowquicklytheseemotionaloutburstscanaffecttherestofyourlife.IwouldguessthatIusesocialmediainabout60%ofmytrials.Thelastthingyouneedtobeintroducedattrial(anditWILLbeintroduced)isthetimeyougotangryatyourspouseandputwhataXXXXtheyareandhowtheyneedtoXXXX.ThesemomentsthatyoufeelneedtobesharedarenotyouatyourbestandarenotwhatyouwanttheJudgetoseeatyourtrial.Ontopofthat,thecomments(whichyouhavenocontrolover)canmakethingsevenworse.

Thisisanexamplethatwasrecentlyusedattrial:“WellitlookslikeFatheroftheYearislateonhis supportpaymentagain. Is it toomuch toask thathe takescareofhiskids?”This seemsinnocentenough.ShewasfrustratedthatthechildsupportthatwasissuedinthetemporaryOrderswas late. The comments,however, spiraledoutof control.Her familymemberswereputtingintheirtwocents.Themotherofthewomanwhowrotethesocialmediapostchimedinabouthowmuchshedetestshim.Thesisterofthewomanencouragedanyonewhosawhimto scream at him in public about how he had abandoned his children. Cousins and familyfriendswerecallinghim“deadbeatdad.”Oneofthecouple’schildrenthatwere“friends”withhermotheronFacebooksawallofthis.Whenshetriedtodefendherfather,shewasattackedbythecommenters,sayingshehasnoideawhatascumbagherfatherreallywas.

The truth? The father’s child support was paid in full and on time. There was an incomewithholdingOrderandtheemployermaileditoutadaylate.Thefatherdidnothingwrong,butwashumiliated inpublic several times. Hewas calledadeadbeatwhodidn’t careabouthischildren. He had to explain to his children that he did nothingwrong, though they did notbelievehim.Allofthishappenedbecauseofanoff-handcommentfromawomanwhofelttheneedtoputherimmediatethoughtsoutintotheworldforeveryonetosee.

Thenwhathappened?TheFacebookpostandcomments,aswellasotherswheresimilarpostsandcommentsweremade,wereintroducedasevidence.Themother,whowouldhavehadatleasta50/50custodyplanifnotprimarycustodyofthechildren,goteveryotherweekendandonenightperweek. The fatherwon sole legal custody. Thematernal grandmotherwasnotallowedtobealonewiththechildren,norwasthematernalaunt(whichmeantnobabysitting

MarkW.Haefner


8

byMom’s closest relatives). ThemotherwasOrdered to pay the father child support. Thechildrenattendedschool fromthe father’saddress,meaningthat themotherhadtodrive totheschooltopickupanddropoffthechildren,ratherthanhavethebustransportthem.

Iwouldhavehadaveryhardtimeprovingalienationofthefatherwithoutsocialmedia. TheCourt rarely issuesOrders based on “he said/she said” situations. Because the socialmediapostsweresodamningtothemother’scase,sheactuallylostcustodyofherchildren.

Coincidently,eventhoughshehadjustlostattrialduetoherFacebookposts,shewroteapostaboutthehusband,theJudge,andme,almostimmediatelyaftertheJudgemadeherruling,onherFacebookaccount.Thepost,alongwiththenumberofcommentsmadeinregardstothepost,willbeusedintheeventthatsheevertriestofileamodification.

This situation isnota randomfluke,butagrowing trend.Peoplewho feel that theyneed tosharetheirexperiencewiththeworldareriskingtoomuch.Icouldwriteabooksolelybasedonthecaseswheresocialmediawasinvolved,butIamgoingtogiveyouthehighlightsrightnow:

DELETEALLOFYOURACCOUNTS.ITISNOTWORTHIT.THEWORLDDOESNOTNEEDTOBEINVOLVEDINTHIS.FOCUSONYOURFAMILY,NOTYOUR

FOLLOWERS.EVENWHENTHECASEISOVER,DONOTPUTANYTINGONSOCIALMEDIATHATYOUARENOTREADYTOEXPLAINTOAJUDGE.

MarkW.Haefner


9

3.MakeaParentingPlanThatMakesSenseAlmosteveryonethatcomesintomyofficeeitherwantsthekidsmostofthetimeorwantsa50/50schedule.Thatworksforalotofpeople.Forsome,however,thatisnottherealitywiththeirlifeandisnotagoalthatyoushouldwasteyourmoneyfightingfor(asyoujustmightwin,andthenyouareinrealtrouble).

Lookatyour life rightnow. Lookatyour job. Lookatyourobligations,bothshort termandlongterm.Thinkaboutwhatyouwouldliketobedoingandunderstandthatwhileyoumightwant to spendeverywaking secondwithyour children rightnow, youmightwant tohaveasociallifeinthreeyears.Thatdoesnotmakeyouabadparent,itmakesyouhuman.

Mysuggestionistogetoutacalendarandmakealistofeverysinglethingyouhavegoingoninthenexttwoweeks.Then,dothetwoweeksafterthat.Then,thetwoweeksafterthat.Putinyourworkschedule,dinnerappointments,travel,meetings,etc.Skipnothingandseewhatyoucomeupwith. Breakdownthenextsixweeksofyour lifeandseewhatdaysandtimesyouactuallyhavefree.Then,gotomywebsite(www.haefnerlaw.com)andprintoffthe“WeeklyExchangeSchedule”ontheFormspage.

Ifyouhavetobeatworkinthemorning,youneedtoknowhowthekidswouldgettoschoolifthey stayed at your house on a school night, as well as how you would get to work if youdropped them off. Is your schedule flexible? Can you work with your employer to makeconcessionsonyourdaysthatallowyoutocome in late? Areyouabletocutdownonyourworktravel?

The point is that you need to know what your limitations are before jumping into theassumption that you are able tohave the childrenonXdays at X times. You arenot a badparentifyouareunabletohaveyourchildren50%ofthetime.Thelastthingyouwanttodoistoget intoanexpensive fight foraparentingplan thatyouhavenoability toactuallydo. Itsoundscrazy,butithappensallofthetime.Findoutwhatyoucandoandthenmakethatthestartingpointforyourplan.

Ontheflipside,ifyouhavebeenonlyworkingparttimeandyourspousedoesn’tmakeenoughwheremaintenanceisalongtermreality,thenyouneedtounderstandthatyouaregoingtohavetowork.IfyouthinkyouaregoingtobeworkingfulltimeMondaythroughFriday,then

MarkW.Haefner


10

planon that. If you thinkyouwillbedoingmoreweekendandeveningwork, thenuse thatwhenmakingyourparentingplan.

Thegoaloftheplanistoallowtheparenttospendasmuchtimewiththechildrenaspossible.ItmakesnosensetohaveaparentwhoisoffonMondaystohavethechildrenonWednesdays.Know your limits and know your schedule, then think about your parenting plan. You cancustomizetheplanforwhatworksforyouandyourex.

Anotherdangerwhenmakingaparentingplanisthelackofforesightintothefuture.Youaregettingadivorce. Youdonotwant tohave toexchange theminor childevery singleday. Istrongly discourage parenting plans where the weekends are not alternated. Having oneparentgetthechildrenonFridayandanothergetthechildrenonSaturdayeveryweekrarelyworksandalmostalwaysleadstoproblemsdowntheline.

Iknowitishardtoimagine,butlet’slookatyourlifeintwoyears.Youaredating.Yournewsignificantotherwantstogotothelakefortheweekendorhasanoutoftownweddingforyoubothtoattend.Youandyourexhavenotbeengettingalong,sotheparentingplanhasbeenrigidlyfollowedoverthepastfewmonths.Youarenowunabletogoanywhereforlongerthan24hours, unless youhire an attorney and go through an expensive andmentally exhaustiveModificationcase.

Itistooexpensiveandtootimeconsumingtomodifytheparentingplaneveryfewyears.Youneedtobethinkinglongtermwhenitcomestoyourparentingplanandhowitwouldworknotjustnextmonth,butnextyear.Thisisespeciallytruewhenitcomestotheholidayparentingplan.

Go towww.haefnerlaw.com and click on the forms page. Print off the “Holiday ExchangeSchedule”. Lookat it. Thinkabout it. Know that this is likely going todeterminehowyourchildrenrememberallmajorholidaysgrowingupandthatyourexalsoneedstobeapartofthat.

Whenlookingattheholidayparentingplan,youneedtoreallythinkaboutyourchildrenmorethan yourself. Does one family have a big Christmas Eve and the other side have a bigChristmasDay?Isonespousereligiousandtheothernot?Theseholidayschedulescan,andshould,becustomizedforyourCHILDREN’Sspecific familyevents. Alternatingholidays isthestandard,butitdoesn’thavetobe.Ifyouareabletocomeupwithaplanthatmaximizesyourchildren’s experienceswith both sides of their family, then youneed to do that. This is theplacewhereyouneedtoreallyprioritizeyourchildren’sneedsandlivesbeforeyourown.

Withthatinmind,youalsoneedtolookatyourlimitationswhenmakingtheschedule.DoyougetoffofworkforPresident’sDay?Areyouabletotakeaweekoffoverthewinterbreakfrom

MarkW.Haefner


11

work? Doyoureally intendon leavingworkearlyonHalloweentoensurethatyourkidsareabletobedressedintimefortrick-or-treatingwiththeirfriends?Knowingwhatisandisnotimportanttoyouwillhelpmakeaworkableholidayplanandwillsaveyoumoneyinthelongrun,asyoucanhaveyourattorneyfocusonwhatisimportant.

Focusingonwhatyoucandoinsteadofwhatyouwouldliketodoisgoingtosaveyouandyourattorneyatremendousamountoftime.Itwillfocustheenergyandmoneyonthethingsyoucandothatareimportanttoyou.

MarkW.Haefner


12

4.SeeaTherapistI’m not going to sugarcoat this. Your life is going to suck over the next fewmonths. Evengetting out of a badmarriage is going to be difficult. You are going to be emotionally andfinanciallydrained,yourchildrenaregoingtobeupsetandneedyoumore,andontopofallofthat,youneedtobemakingsomeprettymajordecisionsinjustashortperiodoftime.

This istoomuchforyoutotakeonaloneandeven ifyoudonotbelievethatatherapistwillhelp,doyourselfafavorandseeoneforafewvisits.Theworstcasescenarioisthatyouwasteda littlebitofmoneyanda littlebitof time. However,whatyoustandtogain ishelp fromaprofessionalwhoknowswhatyouaregoingthoughandwillgiveyouachancetohaveahealthyoutlet.

Toooftenpeoplemistaketheirattorneyfortheirtherapist.Youpaymetoomuchtolistentothings that I cannotworkon for you. I really likemy clients, that’s theadvantageofhavingenoughbusinesstobechoosey. I stayupatnightworryingaboutthem. IstepawayfromafamilydinnertowritedownanoteifIthinkofsomethingthatwillhelptheircase.Butthetruthis,Icanonlyworkonthelegalissuesinvolvedintheircasesandamprobablythewrongpersontobetalkingtoabouttheemotionalsideofthings.

Afterall,whatdoIknowaboutyourlife?TheonlythingthatIneedtoknowiswhatyouwantandwhatneeds tobedonetogiveyouthebestpossiblechancetogetwhat is important toyou.Thetherapistcanbeagreattoolinhelpingyouknowwhatisimportanttoyou,aswellashelpyouletgoofthethingsthatarenot.

Thisisprobablygoingtobeoneofthemoststressfultimesinyourlife.Youneedtorecognizethatandbeproactiveaboutit.ThelastthingyouwanttodoiswhatIstartedtodowhenIgotdivorced,andthatistoself-medicateandnotdealwithyourproblemsandchanginglife.

Igotmarriedatage23.Byage26,mywifeandIhadseparated.Suddenlyaloneandhavingalotof freetime, Iwouldreachoutto friendsto fillmytimeratherthangobacktoanemptyhouse.BeingthatIhadagoodsetoffriends,Icouldusuallyfindatleastonewhowaswillingtomeetup.Beinga26yearoldwhodidn’twanttohavetodealwiththeissuesthatIwasfacing,weusuallymetatabar forhappyhour. Nothavingaspousetohavetogethometoor thedesiretoreturntoanemptyhomemeantthatIwouldbeinsaidbaruntilaround11atnight,whenIwouldleavejustintimetogostraighttobed.

MarkW.Haefner


13

Iwasself-medicatingandnotdealingwiththereal issues. Thiscouldhaveturned intoarealproblem. However, because I had seen this pattern play out somany times, I was able toquicklyrecognizetheslipperyslopeIwasonandcalledatherapist.

Thefirstcoupleoftimes,Iliterallywalkedoutoftheofficethinking,“Well,thatwasawasteoftime”.However,Ikeptgoing.Bytheforthvisit,Ithoughtthatthismightbehelpingandbythesixthvisit, IhadaclearvisionastowhatIwantedtodowithmyself. Iwasabletosetgoals,keepmyself focusedonwhatreallymattered,andwas forcedtodealwiththeemotionsandthoughtsIwashaving,ratherthanfocusingonwhatwasultimatelyunimportant.

Ikeptgoingforafewmonthsaftermydivorcewasoverandeventuallythetherapistsaidthathewasn’tsureIneededtokeepseeinghimonaregularbasis.IwasabletogetthehelpwhenIneededitandbecauseIwasabletodealwithmyissuesinsteadofhavingthemcompoundedby poor decisions and trying to deal with themmyself, I was able to move forward in thehealthiestwaypossible.Gettingdivorcedstillwasn’tfun,butitallowedmetoseeitasthenewbeginningitwas,ratherthanfocusingonthefailureandendingofthelifethatIhad.

TheonethingIwasextremelyluckyaboutisthatIdidn’thaveanychildrenwithmyfirstwife.Ihave seenhow this affects themanddon’t think I haveever seena casewhere, at the veryleast,havingthemtalkwithaschoolcounselorwouldnotbebeneficial.Whenyouconsiderthestressyouhaveinthissituation,pleaseimaginewhatitwouldbelikeforthem.Theyoftenfeellike theyhaveabsolutelyno control andwhile your life is changing,many times the childrenfeelasthoughtheirlivesarebeingtornapart.

Perhapsnoteveryoneneedsa therapist. However, thebenefit faroutweighs the costwhendealingwiththisemotionalsituationanditwillnotharmyoutogo.Letyourattorneydealwiththemoney andpaperwork. Let you and your therapist dealwith emotional ramifications ofyourchanginglife.

Regardlessofifyouareaclientofourfirmornot,wehavealistofsomefantastictherapistsintheSt.Louismetropolitanareaandwouldbehappytogiveyouthenamesofthosewhowefeelare thebestaroundandwhospecialize indivorce situations. Wecanalsoprovidenamesoftherapistwhospecializeinworkingwithchildrenduringthisdifficulttimeaswell,whichIalsostronglyencourage.

MarkW.Haefner


14

5.Don’tGetEmotionalAboutAssetsJustasIamunpreparedtoactasatherapistinyourcase,Iamunabletoprocesstheemotionalconnectionpeoplehavewith,as faras I can tell, assets thathaveno real specialmeaning. Icannot tell youhowoftenwewillbeon the lastassetwhenworkingona settlement that isotherwiseworkedoutandthensomeminorpieceofpropertybecomesthestrawthatbrakesthecamel’sback.Suddenly,wehavetoprepareforacostlytrial.

Iamnottalkingaboutbabyphotos,homemovies,vacationhomes,orretirementaccounts. IamtalkingIamtalkingabouttheplates. Orthecrockpot. Ortheblender. Thingsthathavelowmonetaryvalue,yethavesomesortofemotionalholdonotherwiserationalpeople.

I remember at the first firm I worked for after law school, I was involved in a divorcewithmillionsofdollarsontheline.Thecouplehadtwosuccessfulbusinesses,ahomewithalotofequity,retirementaccounts,andawholehousefulloffurniture.Myself,myclient,herspouse,andhisattorneyallsatinaroomforseveralhoursoncewehadvaluedalloftheirmajorassets.We had agreed on who was getting what business, what the marital equity was for bothbusinessesandthehouse,howweweresplittingtheretirementaccount,whowaspayingfortheprivateschools,andalmosteverysinglestickof furniturethatwas intheir6,000+squarefoothome.Thenitcametothevacuum.

The vacuum, a Dyson I believe,was nothing special. Itwas sold atmostmajor departmentstores.Itwasnotagiftfromadyingrelative.Ithadabsolutelynovalueotherthanthepriceyouwouldusuallypayforausedvacuum.However,myclientwasadamantthatsheneededtohavethisvacuum.Herpositionwasthathewasalreadygettingagooddeal,shewaskeepingthehouse,andhehadnevertouchedthevacuumonceinthelastfewyearsofmarriage.Hispositionisthatheboughtit,hewasalreadygivinghertoomuch,andhewouldneedittocleanhisnewplace.

Ipleadedwithmyclienttogiveitup.Thatitwasnotworthit.Thatitwouldcostherthousandsofdollarsinattorneyfeesifwehadtotakeeverythingtotrial.Shedecidedthatthiswaswhereshewasdiggingherheelsin.Herhusband,seeinghowmuchshewantedthis,dughisinrightback. Opposingcounseland Iarguedoverthis fortwohours. Theattorneys, frustratedwithourclients,finallyofferedtoeachthrowin$100andgivethepersonwhodidn’tgetthevacuumthemoneytogobuyanewvacuum.Bothrefused.Bothsaidthatiftheydidn’tgettheirway,thenallagreementsweregoneandweweretakingittotrial.Sothatisexactlywhatwedid.

MarkW.Haefner


15

Wetookthatcasetotrial.Myclientwon.Ithadcostheralmost$10,000togetausedvacuumcleaner that had a value of probably less than the $200 offered to her by the attorneys.However, she felt that it was a victory. It wasn’t that shewas emotionally attached to theasset;shewasemotionallyattachedtowhattheassetstoodfor.Really,itwasahugewasteofmoneythatwouldhavebeenbetterspentonthechildrenthantheattorneyfees.

IhavehadothersituationswhereIfeelthatwewerefightingbecausethepersondidnotwantto let go.Whether itwas their spouse, or the idea that theywere “married”, I don’t know.Sometimes these are things I tellmy clientwe could never get at trial (example: premaritalasset)andthatweshoulddropthe issue,buttheywanttopushforward. I thinkthe ideaofbeing“divorced”ornotmarriedtotheirspouseanymorescaredthem,sotheyheldontoasillyreasontoprolongtheinevitable.Theproblemwiththisisthatitcostthemsignificantlymorethanitshouldhavebeentogetdivorced.Nomatterhowhardyoufightorhowmuchmoneyyouspend,youaregoingtobedivorcedanyway.

ThebestadviceIcangiveanyprospectiveclientisthatthemoneyyouhavetofundthisdivorceneedstobefocusedonwhatreallymatters.Youneedtofocusonthethingsyouneedtostartoverand if youhavechildren,whatyouneed for themtostartover.Prolonging thisprocesswhenyouhavechildrenbecauseyouthinkyouwillusetheblendermorethanyourspouseisnotfairtoyouorthem.

Ifyoucannotseeyourselfasbeinghappyinfiveyearswithoutsomething,thenfightforit.ThetruthisthatIbetifyouwerethinkingclearlyandtaketheemotionoutofthesituation,thereislikelynothinginyourhomethatyouwouldspend$10,000fightingforunlessithadaveryreal,sentimentalvaluetoyou.However,toooften,peopleattachemotionstoassetsthatarereallynotworththeargumentorattorneytimeand,insomecases,thatcancostthemthousandsortensofthousandsofdollars.Taketheemotionoutofanythingthatyoupossiblycanandfocusontheitemsthathavetruevalue.

MarkW.Haefner


16

6.Don’tGiveInBecauseYouAreMentallyExhaustedMyfirmhandlesallkindsoffamilylawissues.WetendtospendalotoftimeincasesinvolvingaMotiontoModify. WhenyoudoaMotiontoModify,youareaskingtheCourttochangeatermintheoriginalJudgmentofDissolution.InordertogetaMotiontoModifygranted,youneedtoallegeandprovetotheCourtthatthereisa“materialchangeincircumstances”.

This is not a very hard obstacle to overcome inmost situations. Perhaps the children haveaged. Perhaps someone ismoving away and the parenting plan needs to be changed. Thetruth is, there are a lot of things that would justify a material change in circumstances.However,“Idon’tlikethecurrentplan,”isnotoneofthem.

Toooften,peoplegetemotionallydrainedby thedivorceprocess. I get it. There isnothingmore exhausting than having everyone look over your shoulder to see if you are doingeverythingright.Therearefewothertimesinyourlifethatyouareactuallygoingtobejudgedastohowgoodofaparentyouare.Youarespendingmoremoneythanyouarebringinginonyourattorneyandyouhavenoguaranteethatyouaregoingtobesuccessfulataccomplishingyourgoalsanyway,regardlessofhowmuchyouspendorhowhardyoutry.

Alotoftimes,peoplejustsortofgiveup.“Fine,giveher/himwhatever.Iamdonewiththis.”Thiscouldbeabouttheholidayschedule.Thiscouldbeabouttheassets.Thiscouldbeaboutmaintenance. This could even be about the custody of your children. There comes a pointwhereitseemsliketheonlywayforyoutofindpeaceistogiveup.Theproblemwiththatis,moreoftenthannot,youaregoingtodeeplyregretit.

Thisiswherethetherapistwillhelpyou.Ifyoudon’twanttouseatherapist,dosomethingforjust you thatwill recharge your batteries. Get out of town for aweekend. Have aweeklydinnerwithfriends.Taketimetoreallytalktosomeoneaboutwhatisgoingon.Rediscoverortakeupahobby.Thepointis,donotgiveupjustbecauseitiseasy,especiallywhenthestakesaresohigh.

Ihadacasewheremaintenance(alimony)wasanissue.Whenthepartiesgotmarriedthewifemoved to Missouri and instead of taking all her stuff, they sold it all at a garage sale anddecidedtojustusehisitems.Allwentwelluntilhedecidedtogetadivorceandwantedtokickheroutofthehouse.

MarkW.Haefner


17

WhenImetwiththewife,sheliterallyhadalmostnothingtohername.Shewasweeksawayfrombeinghomelessandwaslivingonmonth-to-monthdisabilitychecks.Thehusband,amanwhohadaccumulatedquiteabitovertheyears,wantedtogiveherabsolutelynothing.Hewasextremelydomineeringandthewifewasafraidhewoulddragthisoutandstillleaveherwithnothing.

When I tookthecase, theofferwas$0.00. After twohearingsanda lotofnegotiation, theymadeasettlementofferasanequitypayment,notmaintenance. Bymyestimates,theofferwasabouthalfofwhatshewasentitledtoandeventhen,theofferwasonlygoodifshewaivedmaintenance forever. I told opposing counsel that it was a bad offer, but that I would, asrequiredbyethicalrules,takeittomyclient.

Theclientinsistedthatwetaketheofferandsettle.IexplainedthatthiswasonlyafractionofwhatshewasentitledtoandthatIwoulddomuchbetterifthiswenttotrial.Iexplainedthatshewasagoodcandidatetogetmaintenancepaymentsfor,atveryleast,asetperiodoftime,ifnotforever.NomatterwhatIsaid,sheheldfirmthatshewantedtosettle.

ShedidnotwanttohavetokeepcomingbacktoCourt.Shedidnotwanttokeepdealingwiththeanxietyoftheunknownwhatcomeswiththedivorceprocess.Shewasmentallyexhaustedand shewas donewith thewhole thing. So, againstmy advice, she took the offer andwesettledthecase.Thepaymentsweregoingtobeoverasetperiodoftime.

Now,herpaymentsaregoingtobeendingsoon.ShecalledmelastweekandwantsmetogobacktoCourttokeepthepaymentsgoing.Iexplained,asIdidwhenIadvisedhertonottakethatoffer, that I couldnotgoback toCourtandmakethatargument,as theagreementwasfinal. Oncemaintenance iswaived, it is gone forever. She is extremely upset anddoesnotknow how she is going to pay her bills. I hate that this is the situation, but there was noconvincingherotherwise.

Thepointisthatnomatterhowfrustratedyouget,nomatterhowmuchyouthinkyouareatyourwitsend,donotgiveupjustbecauseyouarementallyexhausted.Listentogoodadvicefrom thosearound you. Plan somethingevery singleweekend that you can look forward to(even if it is just planning to take awalk in the park). Talk to your therapist. Talk to yourattorney. If they don’t think you should settle, odds are that you should not settle. Dowhatever it takes to get some fight back in your system; but if you give up, there are somethingsyoucannottakeback.

MarkW.Haefner


18

7.TryandReachaSettlementIncontrasttothestoryintheprevioustip,Ialmostalwaysencouragesettlementoveratrialiftheothersideisbeingreasonable. Whenyougototrial,youloseanyabilityyoumighthaveonce had to control the situation. I have probably been in trials more than most St. Louisattorneys(asKansas,where Ipracticedforyears,madeEVERYhearingsubjecttotherulesofevidence,whereasMissourionlydoesthatatcontestedhearingswheretestimonyisgiven),yetIstillgetanxiousbeforestartingatrialandIhaveliterallynothingtolose.

Myclient,however,hasalotonthelineandisputtingitallinthehandsofaJudgewhoknowsvirtually nothing about these people, the family, or the situation, other than perhaps a fewtidbits that cameupatpre-trial conferences.Thisputsa lotof faith intoa systemthat I feeldoesn’talwaysworkout theway it should.Trialsarenot fun. Theyareexpensive. Theydoserve a purpose, but the vastmajority of times things proceed to trial because someone isbeingunreasonable.

Settlements are just that - you are settling. You are likely not going to get everything youwanted. You are going to have to make some concessions. You do, however, have somecontrol over the situation at hand. So long as the parties and, more often than not, theattorneysinvolvedinthecasearereasonableindividuals,youshouldbeabletosettlemost,ifnot all issues. Even if you cannot reach a total agreement on all issues, you should try andsettleasmuchasyoupossiblycan.

Anydecentattorneywill tell you that they settleat least80%of their cases. That is a goodthing(andsomethingyouneedto lookforwhenchoosingyourattorney). Itshowsthattheyare reasonable, have the respect of the other attorney to at least consider that losing is apossibility, and are not going to try and unnecessarily bill you for trial prep when it is notnecessary.

Conversely, any attorney that says they take the majority of their cases to trial are usuallyeitheroneoftwothings:1)someonewhohasnoideaaboutwhatthecourtwouldlikelydoandthereforeisgoingtoloseyourcaseforyouwhilerackingupattorneyfeesyouwillhavetopay,or2)theattorneyissoincompetentthattheotherattorneysknowthattheywilldestroythemattrial,sothereisnoreasontosettlewithabuffoon.

Thetruthis,thevastmajorityofthoseattorneyswhofocustheirpracticeintheareaoffamilylawusually knowwhat the Judgewould likelydo in yourparticular situationonmost things.There are always questions. Settlement conferences and pretrial hearings are where thosequestionsgetansweredalotofthetime.Theseconferencesandhearingsarealsoextremely

MarkW.Haefner


19

usefulinhelpingtocreateasettlementoffer.Afterall,iftheJudgesays,“I’mgoingtolikelydoX,”thenitisusuallymyadvicetomyclientthatwestopfightingon“X”issueunlessIthinkwehaveenoughevidencetochangetheJudge’smindatatrial.

Really,itgoesbacktowhatIwassayinginearliertips:youneedtocomeupwithasettlementyoucan livewith, somethingyouwillnot regreta fewyearsdownthe road,andunderstandthatthereareonlyafewthingsworthfightingfor. Ifthereisasettlementofferyouwanttomake,thenmakeit.I’mnotsayingshowyourwholehand,butyoucouldsaveyourselfalotoftime,money,andstress ifyoumakeareasonableoffer(with likelysomewiggleroom) inthebeginning.

Forcing things to an unnecessary trial could lead to you a number of problems. First andforemost, you areputting the fateof yourworld, and your children’sworld, in thehandsofsomeonewhodoesnotknowyou. Idon’tcarehowgoodtheJudge is, theyarenotgoingtoknowyouandyoursituationinamatteroftwodays.Youareoneofhundredsofcasesthatareontheirdocketandtheydonothavethetimeorenergytogettoknowtheinsandoutsofyourlife.What’sworseisiftheJudgethinksthatyouunnecessarilypushedthistoatrialandthatitshouldhavesettled,youmightbestuckpayingyourex’sattorneyfeesinadditiontoyourown.

Thebottomlineisthatyouneedtobeopentosettlement,bereasonableinyournegotiations,andknowwhentofightandwhentoconcede.Itwillsaveyoutime,money,andawholelotofstress.

MarkW.Haefner


20

8.Don’tBeAfraidtoTakeYourCasetoaTrialAs I said in tip seven, youneed to be reasonable andopen to settlementwhennegotiating.However, if your spouse is not being reasonable, has no desire to settle, or is using thenegotiationprocesstobullyandintimidateyouintoabadsettlementwithunreasonableterms,thenyouneedtotrustinyourattorneyandputthetrainonthetrialtrack.

Thedecisiontotakeacasetotrialshoulddrasticallychangethecourseofthepreparationbyacompetent attorney. Instead of simply gathering information, they will go through all thenecessary steps to ensure that the information they receive is admissiblewhen applying theRulesof Evidence.Discoverywill becomeamajorpartof your caseandwhileexpensive, it’svaluecannotbeoverstated. Iusuallyhaveafewdepositionstoensurethat Iknowwhattheotherpartyisgoingtosayoncetheygetonthestand.Thelastthingyoueverwanttodoonthedayoftrialisbesurprisedorhearsomethingforthefirsttime.

Trialsareextremelyuseful inaccomplishing two things:1)getting thecaseoverwith,and2)having the Court deliver a verbal and written beating to an unreasonable spouse and theirattorney.TherearesomepeoplethatjustwanttohavetheirdayinCourtandtheyhaveeveryrighttogetthatday.However,theJudgealsohaseveryrighttopunishthatpersonforwastingeveryone’stimebyproposinganextremelyunreasonableplantotheCourt.

The fact of thematter is that there is a time and a place for a trial. Having a client that isunwillingtogothedistanceifneedbewillonlyresultinthatclientbeingunhappy.IbelieveitwasTeddyRooseveltthatsaid,“Speaksoftlyandcarryabigstick.”Whentalkingaboutdivorce,the trial is your big stick and you cannot be afraid to use it if necessary. There are risksassociatedwithtakingyourdivorcetotrial,butsometimesitisworththerisks.

Iamcurrentlyinthemiddleofaproceedingthatwillbegoingtotrialnextmonth.Inthiscase,theex isaskingtheCourttoacceptaparentingplanthatthere isnowayhecouldmeet. HewantsnothingmorethantotaketimeawayfrommyclientandIsuspectitissohecangettheparentingtimecredit inthechildsupportcalculations. Ihaveproposedaparentingplanandthe Judgehasprettymuch said that theCourtwill adapt this, should thismatterproceed totrial.Hisattorney,whoisactuallyaprettydecentattorney,isunabletogetherclienttoseethelight. Theex isnotbudging inhispositionthatheshouldgethalfoftheweekwithhischild,despitethefactthatheworkssixtyhoursperweekonanunreliableschedule,evenaftertheJudgesaidhisplanwasunworkableandwouldnotbeacceptedbytheCourt.Ifullyanticipate

MarkW.Haefner


21

gettinganOrderthattheexmustpayformyclient’sattorneyfeesshouldhenotsettlebeforetrial.

TheunknownisascarythingandIcompletelygetthatwhenitcomestotrials,astheyaretheunknown.However,thisisasituationwherewehavenochoicebuttotakethemattertotrialanditisnotexactlyrare.Anex’srefusaltobereasonableinwhathewantsorwhathethinksis“fair”givesus little-to-no room todoanythingother thangearup fora trial and the client’sconfidence in theirattorney,moreoftenthannot,paysoff. Andthat iswhat it reallycomesdownto:doyoutrustyourattorneytotakeyoutotrial?Ifnot,getadifferentattorney(seetip9).

I couldgoonall dayabout trial stories,but thegistof thematter is this: inmyopinion, theJudgesgetitrightabout85%ofthetime,whichisactuallyprettyremarkableconsideringyourattorneyhasonlyafewhourstotelltheJudgeaboutyourpast,present,andfuturelife,whileat the same time show that your spouse is either not being honest or is delusional in theirproposals.Ifyouaregoingtobeunhappywithwhatisbeingproposedinsettlementoffersandifyouhaveconfidence inyourattorney,takingyourcasetotrial isnottheworstthing intheworldandcanmakeyourlifemuchbetterinthefuture.

ItisariskandyouaregamblingonyourattorneyandtheJudge,butmostofthetimetheCourtgets it rightwhenyoupick the rightattorney. However,getting thewrongattorneywillnotallow the Court the chance to get it right because they will not have all of the necessaryinformation.

MarkW.Haefner


22

9.PicktheRightAttorneyAsmuchasI’dliketosithereandtellyouthatIamfarandawaythebestattorneyinMissouri,thetruthisthattherearemanygoodattorneysoutthere.Andforeverygoodattorney,thereareseveralbadones.Choosingthewrongattorneyisnotonlygoingtocostyoualotoftimeandmoney,butwillaffectyoufortherestofyourlife,especiallyifyouhavechildren.

Whendecidingwhotochoosetorepresentyou,therearesomethingsyouneedtolookfortotryandeliminatesomeofthebadattorneys. First,dotheyfocusonfamilylaw?Ifnot,keepmoving.Ihavealwaysbelievedyoucanbemediocreatseveralthingsorexcellentatonething.

Someonewho does everything is likely not going to be up to date on themost recent caserulings. I spendseveralweeksthroughouttheyearattendingconferenceswhere Ihear fromthefamilycourtJudges.IdowhatIcantokeepuponthemostcurrentcaselaws.Iattempttoreviewproposedlegislationthatwillaffectmycasesshouldthebillsbecomelaws.Icouldnotdothis if Iwasalsotryingtoknowwhatwasgoingon intheareaofcriminal law,realestatelaw,oranyothercategoryoflaw.Therewouldbenotimeinmydaytoactuallypractice,muchlessberesponsivetomyclients.

You need to look for your lawyer the same way you look for a doctor. When you needsomething done in a certain area, you look for a specialist. You do notwant a pediatriciandoingsurgeryonyou.Youwantasurgeon.YoudonotwantafootdoctorreviewingyourCATscanswhenyougethitinthehead.Youwantaneurologist.Youdon’twantapersonalinjuryattorneyrepresentingyouinyourdivorce.Youwantafamilylawattorney.

Andthatleadstothesecondtipwhenselectinganattorney.Youneedtobeabletogetaholdofyourattorney.Yourquestionsareimportantandneedtobeansweredinatimelymanner.

Pleasedonotmistakeaccesstoyourattorneywithinstantaccesstoyourattorney.Therearetimeswhengoodattorneysareunavailable. Theywillbe intrialwithotherclients. Iamsurewhen it is your trial, the last thingyouwant is them leaving the courtroomand takinga callwhentheyneedtobe focusedonyourcase. Butwhenyouhaveaquestion,youdeservetohaveananswer ina reasonableamountof time. That iswhere I thinkemail isanextremelyvaluabletoolforclientcommunications.Ihaveemailedclientsatallhoursofthenightandtrytorespondtoanyquestionwithin24hours. Othersmightneedmoretimeandthisdoesn’tnecessarilymake themabad attorney. The fact of thematter is that so long as you get ananswerinareasonableamountoftime,youlikelyhaveagoodattorney. If ithasbeenthreemonthsandyouhavenotgottenareturncalloraresponsetoyouremail,thenyouprobablyhaveabadattorney.

MarkW.Haefner


23

AgoodattorneyknowstheJudge.I’mnottalkingaboutgolfingwiththeJudgeorhangingoutwith him on the weekend, but rather knowing what the Judge is going to do in certainsituationswhencertainfactsarepresentedtothemforyourcase. AnyeffortspenttryingtoprepareacasethatgoesagainstthefundamentalbeliefsofaJudgeisawasteoftimeandwillresultinabadoutcome.

HowIprepareforoneJudgewillbeextremelydifferentthanhowIpreparefortheexactsamecase down the hall with a different Judge. Judges are people. People find different thingsinteresting. If youknowwhat the Judge finds interestingandwhat is important for them toknowwhenevidence isbeingpresented,youaregoingtomaximizeyourchancesattrialandfocusonwhatmatterstothatparticularJudge.

One of the things I did before I finished law school was sit in the back of the Family Courtcourtroomsandjustwatchwhathappensindifferentsituations.IdothesamethingnowwhenanewJudgegetsmovedintotheFamilyCourt. Ihavewatchedhundredsofhoursoftrials intheCourts,iffornootherreasonthantogaugewhattheJudgewoulddoinatrialsituation.Ihave seenalmostevery issuearguedmultiple times indifferent courtrooms. If Idon’t knowhowaJudgewouldruleonacertainissue,IcalloneofmycolleaguestoseeiftheyhaveanyinsightsastohowtheJudgewouldruleonthatparticularsituation. Havinganattorneythatknowswhat the Judgewill traditionallydo incertainsituations isgoing tosaveyoutimeandmoney,whilemaximizingyourchanceforsuccesswhenyougettotrial.Thisisnota100%surething,butisavaluabletool.

Nomatterwhat,choosingagoodattorney isgoingtomakeyour lifebetter. Choosingabadattorney,however,isgoingtomakeyourlifehell.

As I statedearlier, sometimes I force things toa trial inall cases involvingcertain firms. Forsome,Ireallydon’tputa lotofeffort intotryingtoreachasettlementbecausethefirmtheywork for will try and bill their client for as much as possible, therefore never seriouslycommitting to trying tosettle. Theywillonlywastemy timeandbothclients’moneyduringsettlement negotiations and therefore I just focus on taking thematter to trial (where theyusually try and settle shortly before the trial starts). These firms are pretty well knownthroughoutthelegalcommunityandtheJudge’sknowtheirgameaswell. Ifyougointotrialwithoneoftheseattorneyssittingnexttoyou,youarealreadyatadisadvantage,evenifyouhave paid them tens of thousands of dollars. The Court likes reasonable attorneys and canquicklydetermineiftheattorneyisunreasonablebytheamountoftimesthisattorneyhastriedtoargueunreasonablethingsinthepast.

Withsomeotherfirms,Iknowthattheattorneyshavenoideawhattheyaredoingattrial,theyhave historically been unreasonable when discussing settlement, and I will not waste my

MarkW.Haefner


24

client’s timeormoney trying to settlewhatwill likely be a bloodbath ifwe go to trial. Youwouldbesurprisedhowmanyfirms,someofthembignamesaroundtown,arecompletelyandtotally incompetentwhen itcomestotrials. Theydon’tknowtherulesofevidence,havenoideaaboutthefactsofthecase,anddolittletopreparetheirclientsformycross-examinationthatwasspecificallydesignedtoexposeandembarrassthem.

ThenthereiswhatIconsidertheworstoftheworst.Therearesomefirmsaroundtownthathave a reputation that theywill take tensof thousandsof dollars from their client and thenwithdrawlongbeforethematterevergoestotrial.Thisarethefirmsthatmakebigpromises,takebigmoney,fileanumberofMotionsanddiscoveryrequests,makeoutrageousallegations,andthen,whentheirclientreallyneedsthem,withdrawsfromthecase.Becausethesefirmshaveusuallytakenallofthemoneytheclienthas,theyhavenomoneytohireanyonedecenttorepresentthemattrial.Ialmostfeelbadbeatingthemattrial.Almost,butnotquite.

Themostexpensiveattorneyisnotalwaysthebestattorneyforyourcase,butIamabelieverthatyougetwhatyoupayfor.Thisisnotatimetosavemoney,yetyouneedtobesmartaboutyourmoney. Ifyouneededanewkidney,youwouldnotbegoingtothecheapestdoctor intown,you’dbegoingtothebestkidneydoctoryoucouldfindwhotookyourinsurance.Why,then,wouldyouuseadiscountedattorneytofightforyourchildren?Foryourfuture?

Thefactofthematteristhatyoumightneedtotalktoanumberofattorneysbeforeyoufindtherightfitforyou.Askquestionsaboutthem.Askyourfriendsandfamilywhotheyusedandsee if they likedtheirattorney. Findout if theyfocusprimarilyonfamily law. IfyouaretheRespondent, see if they know who your Judge is and have had cases with that Judge oropposingcounsel.AsIsaidearlier,thereareanumberofgoodattorneysintheareaoffamilylaw.Thegoalistoavoidthebadones,whichfaroutnumberthegoodones.

MarkW.Haefner


25

10.ListentoYourAttorneyOnceyoufindsomeonewhoyoutrustwilldoagoodjobforyou,doyourselfafavorandtrustyourattorney.Don’tspendalotoftimesecondguessingeverydecisiontheymakeordemandexplanationsforeverymovetheymakeforyourcase.Ifyouchoosewisely,yourattorneywillhave seenhundreds of divorce cases andwill be your best asset in protecting you and yourchildren. Think of them like your legal Sherpa. They are here to guide you through thiscomplicatedanddifficultprocessandknowhowtogetyouonthesafestroad.

Whentheytellyoutonotdosomething,don’tdoit.Whentheytellyoutodosomething,doit.Notadifficultconcept,especiallywhenconsideringthatyouarepayingthemtogiveyouadvicebasedon their skills andexperience. They are lookingout for you and if youpickeda goodattorney,youaren’talwaysgoingtolikewhattheyhavetotellyou.Honestyandgoodadviceiswhatagoodattorneydispensesandthatcanbetoughsometimes.Badattorneyswilltellyouwhatyouwanttohearandthatwill likelyendwithyouextremelyupsetandfar fromwhereyouwantedtobe.

Ifyoustillhavedoubts,hereisalittlesecretthatyourlawyermightnotadmit:Attorneysdonotliketolose. Sure,theattorneyishereforyounomatterwhat,butdeepdown,theywanttowintheircases,and,likealmosteveryoneelse,wouldliketohaverespectamongtheirpeers.Therefore,theywantyourcasetobeassuccessfulaspossibleandiftheyknowwhattheyaredoing,theyaregoingtogreatlyincreaseyourchancesofsuccess.

Theproblemina lotofcases is thattheclientseemsto ignoretheadvicetheyarepayingtoreceiveandwillderailtheircaseregardlessofhowgoodtheirattorneyis.ThevastmajorityofcasesthatItaketotrialareduetosituationswheretheclientdoesnotwanttolistentotheirattorney.

Iwasinahearingtheotherday.ItwasasimpleMotion,noteventhefinaltrial,anditwasaslamdunkformyclient.However,opposingcounsel,whoreallyknowsherstuff,presentedalotofcaselawfortheCourttoconsiderandmadeasomewhatcompellingargument.Shewasgraspingatstraws,butthat’sallshehadatthatpoint.

TheJudgelookedlikehewasgoingtobebackingofftherulinginmyfavorthatwasonthetipofhistonguejustmomentsearlierandIwasgoingtohavetocomeupwithsomethingquickifIwantedtowin.Tobehonest,Ihadnothing.TherewasagoodchanceIwasgoingtohavetocomebackaftertheJudgehadtimetoreviewthecaselawthatwaspresentedtohimandthenpresent the research I did to counter what was just presented to the Judge by opposingcounsel.

MarkW.Haefner


26

Then, I got a gift that comes more often than Christmas: the know-it-all client. Opposingcounsel’sclientdecidedthathewouldbethehero,thathewouldbetheonetoconvincetheJudgewhyheshouldwin.Iheardhisattorneywhispertohimthatheneededtobequiet,buthethoughtheknewbetterthanher.Afterall,itwashislifeandlifestylethatwewerearguingabout.WhobettertoconvincetheCourt?

As thewordspoured fromhismouth, it took all I had inme tonotdance right there in thecourtroom.Everywordwasanotherpointagainsthim.EverysentencetooktheJudgefurtherandfurtherawayfromhisattorney’sreasonableargument.

Andhewasdoingwhatmostpeopledointhatsituationandthatistomistakenlybelievethatyouaredoinggreat!Hehonestlythoughthewasdeliveringgoldratherthanmakingmycaseforme.Hehadnoideahewaslosingthecaserightthenandthere,eventhoughhisattorneyhadprettymuchjustgivenhimafightingchance.

When the Judge ruled, I lookedover to see those familiar looks. Theclient,bewilderedwhytheylost,andtheattorney,frustratedthattheclientwentrougeandthrewallherworkoutthewindow.Itwaslivingproofthatnomatterhowgoodyourattorneyis,youcanstillmanagetoscrewitallupbyjustignoringgoodadvice.

Thetruthisthatattorneysarebetteratthisthanyouare,regardlessofhowsmartyouareintherealworld. Youarepayingyourattorneyfortheirexpertiseandskill. Listentothemandyouhaveashot.Ignorethemandyouarenotonlywastingyourmoney,butalsolikelygoingtoloseeverythingthatyoucareabout.Thestakesarehighinfamilylawandignoringtheexpertisarecipefordisaster.

If you feel like you are not being heard or you don’t like your attorney, then find a newattorney.Youcanchangeatalmostanytime,butIwouldnotrecommenddoingitifyouhaveatrial coming up unless it is absolutely necessary. The thing is, you need to commit to anattorneyandlistentotheiradvice.Itisthebestwaytoensurethatyouaregoingtoendupaswellasyoupossiblycouldhavebeenduringthisalreadytryinganddifficultprocess.

MarkW.Haefner


27

ConclusionI hope that this has been helpful to anyone either going through or considering a divorce.While each case is different, these ten tips should be universally applicable to your case. IwouldinviteyoutocontactHaefnerLawOffice,LLCtosetupatimetomeetandgooveryourspecificsetoffacts.Thetelephonenumberis(314)200-6101andthewebsite,whichhasformsandotherinformationforyoutoreview,iswww.FlatRateDivorces.com.

I knowthat this isadifficult time inyour lifeandcanonly tell you that thingsdogetbetter.ThankyoufortakingthetimetoreadthisandIwishyouluckinthefuture.

Date post:	16-Aug-2020
Category:	Documents
Upload:	others
View:	2 times
Download:	0 times

About the Author...Mark W. Haefner Top 10 Tips When Going Through or Considering Divorce 2 About the...

Documents