BAD RELIGIONATMOSPHERE

PULLEY

MOTION CITY SOUNDTRACK

THE MATCHES

FROM FIRST TO LAST

PUNK-O-RAMA

The Empire

Strikes First

Seven’sTravels

I Am TheMovie

E. Von Dahl KilledThe Locals

Dear Diary, MyTeen Angst Has A Bodycount

Matters

Vol. 9

BOUNCING SOULSAnchors

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King Pin (a/k/a Editor-In-Chief)Bradley C. Damsgaard

editor@thenervemagazine.com

Pistol Whipper(a/k/a Music Editor)

Adrian Mackmack@thenervemagazine.com

The Corpse(a/k/a Bridge Burner& Railway Sabotage)

Sarah Rowland

The Getaway Driver(a/k/a Production Manager)

Pierre Lortieproduction@thenervemagazine.com

2 Bit Rounders (a/k/a Editorial Assistants) Sarah’s Mom, Ryan Calvery

Weapons Cleaner(a/k/a Article Editor)

Jon Azpiri

Surveillance Team(a/k/a Photographers)

Laura MurrayJeremy Van Nieuwkerk

Launderer(a/k/a Book Editor)

J. Pee Patchez

Shotgun (a/k/a Film Editor)

Bjorn Olson

The Henchmen (a/k/a Design & Graphics)

Pierre Lortie, Aina Young, Kevin Angel

The Muscle (a/k/a Staff Writers)Atomick Pete, A.D. MADGRAS, Cowboy

TexAss, Casey Bourque, Sinister Sam,Adler Floyd, Aaronoid, Billy Hopeless,D-Rock and Miss Kim, Michael Mann,

Adrian Mack, Jake Poole, Max Crown, 8-Ball, Carl Spackler, Richard Murray, E.S

Day

Girl Friday (a/k/a Subscriptions/Mailouts)

Sue Hobler

Fire Insurance (a/k/a Advertising/Marketing Dept.)

Brad Damsgaard, Kevin Angel, Kristin Lamont

advertise@thenervemagazine.com

Cover Photo: Dan Monick

Out-of-town Connections (a/k/a Distribution and Street Team)Calgary: Rick Overwater, Mike Taylor.Edmonton: Freecloud Records Graeme

MacKinnon, Lindsey McNeill. Winnipeg:Phil and Ryan of Steel Capped Records,

Victoria/Whistler: Jono Jak,Seattle/Bellingham: Frank Yahr

The Nerve is published monthly by The NerveMagazine Ltd. The opinions expressed by the writersand artists do not necessarily reflect those of TheNerve Magazine or its editors... First publishingrights only are property of The Nerve Magazinebecause we have no desire to “own” you. The Nervedoes not accept responsibility for content in adver-tisements. The Nerve reserves the right to refuse anyadvertisement or submission and accepts no responsi-bility for unsolicited manuscripts or artwork.Copyright 2004

The Nerve Magazine 508 - 825 Granville St.

Vancouver, B.C.V6Z 1K9

604.734.1611604.684.1698 (fax)

www.thenervemagazine.com

E.S. Day confronts the Denver trio on their influences, thestate of punk today, bad wigs and, um... their influences.

Wayne Kramer, Dennis Thompson and Michael Davis of theMC5: back on the road and the World’s blowing up again.

Mega-Stardom! Mega-Wealth! Plastic Surgery! Video Pirating!Sasquatch! Incest! Pills! Thrills! Rice Wine & Global War!

Put those limes down!The best thing on thisyear’s Warped Tourcomes in a Beat Box.MC Slug tells AdrianMack how his careerwas shaped by BigDaddy Kane, N.W.A.and the Tooth Fairy.

3 Inches of Blood, Destroyer, Agent Orange, Trans Am & more

Gene Simmons, The Operators 780, Morrissey, The 3-tards,The Briefs, The Wildhearts, W.A.S.P. and much more.

12

Off the Record 20

Ainsworth 27

Film 27

Crossword 31Nerveland Smut Ranch 29

Skate Spot 25

Squirting 29

DTK/MC5 18

The Cinch 17

Spackler is a Drunken Retard 23

Live Wires 22

Hemi Cuda 9

And the drugs really help, too.

For centuries, men have been instructing women on the cor-rect use of their own anatomy. Because we know best.

CCCC oooo vvvv eeee rrrr SSSS tttt oooo rrrr yyyy

9

18

17

Cheap Shotz 7Crazy Religious Bigots, Reader’s Complaints and more war

Casey Cougar’s Babes of the Month 10

THE RETURN OF: Tex and Dex 15

The Nerve to Be Distributed to VancouverArea Elementary Schools.Just kidding.

Indie Rock Tragedy Devastates a Handful.In a startling turn of events, angular ScottishGuitar Semioticians Franz Ferdinand were assas-sinated on June 28th in the Former Yugoslaviancity of Sarajevo. An “organization” called theBlack Hand took responsibility for the killings. The darlings of modernist dance music and van-guard of the New Wave of the New Wave of theNew Wave, Franz Ferdinand took many musicjournalists by storm and managed to parlay thatsmall but influential cache into an article in theNME. A spokesman for the group described thetragedy as “angular, stark, breathtaking, new.”In a related story, a plot was foiled to poisonVancouver “outfit” (and musical band) Elizabeth.Among the conspirators was the evil Duke ofNorfolk, who has since been sentenced to TheTower.

The US Government: What a Bunch ofRetards.The Reverend Sun Myung Moon, Founder of theUnification Church and pioneering ZombieMaker was crowned America’s new “Messiah” ata coronation that took place at The Dirksen SenateOffice Building in Washington, DC. this March.Among the guests were several US Congressmen.In fact, the bejeweled and somewhat gay lookinghelmet was presented by DemocraticCongressman and skilled two-face Danny Davis. The Reverend Moon owns The Washington Timesand UPI (with whom The Nerve shares an office)and has long provided financial backing to theAmerican Freedom Coalition – who in turn havecreated an environment wherein Rush Limbaugh,Ann Coulter and all the other blood-lustingjunkies and booze-bags of the Right Wing Mediamay thrive. Not surprisingly, this extraordinary(an unconstitutional) event went almost complete-ly unreported.Congratulations, then, to America’s new Messiah:That’s just super.And what does it have to do with Rock ‘n’ Roll?Um…. Hey! Look up there! It’s something about

the Gung Hos!!

Gung Hos Do More Weird ShitMere minutes after Sarah Rowland had vacatedher seat as Music Editor, new “Messiah” AdrianMack was concocting lies about Vancouver’sGung Hos. Among the stories under considera-tion:1. New member Randy Romance has quitalready, ostensibly to pursue his interest in“Boogie Rock”, but more probably to avoid thenightly strap-on orgies and Double-Headed Dillyadventures reputed to take place in the band’s“jam” “space”.2. The Gung Hos are taking on Governor ArnoldSchwarzenneger’s proposal to shorten the Stay ofExecution for California’s thousands of stray littlepuppy dogs and kitties. Said a wild-eyed EddieBig Beers: “he’s talking about killing them on thesecond or third day. We don’t think he’s going farenough. We propose going in earlier, maybe in thefirst twenty minutes or so. In fact, we think it’sbetter to not take any chances at all and widen thelegislation to take in puppy dogs and kitties thatactually have homes. We also advocate takingthese animals by force. Actually, we’re calling formandatory execution of anything that walks onfour legs (with the exception of Mike). Fuck thoselittle animals! Where’s California?”Added Billy Hopeless: “Me too!”3. Sources close to The Nerve report that if youplace the Gung Hos in front of a mirror, theyappear to “double” in “number”. Unconfirmed.

Real NewsImagine our delight when The Nerve Officereceived a CD that was actually really fuckinggood. So good, in fact, that our Empire BuildingEditor Badly Damaged promptly got on the blow-er with Mississippi’s Fat Possum Records andscreamed, “Get me Thee Shams! NOW!!!” Andget them he did – the Garage Rock 5-piece will beplaying at Mike’s Tavern on July 13th with specialguests Swank... and a bunch of other guys I’venever met. Thee Shams’ album Please Yourself isthe only thing that has made life bearable at TheNerve for the last month. That and the Salad Loopon Granville, which ROCKS!

More Real NewsWe wanna give ahead’s up on Mr.Plow’s AnnualAnti-Folk Fest,now heading intoits first year atswish uptowncanteen TheCobalt. Sharingthe stage with theNoel Coward-likePlow will be TheWet Spots, WhoCares, WhiskeyDick, Fat Joe

Satan and more. Best part? Organizers promisefree entry to anybody carrying a Day Pass for thereal Folk Fest – should they accidentally mistakeMain Street for Jericho Beach or “Bukakke Nightin Canada” for “The Bells of Rhymney”.

Probably Not Real NewsReceived from the Offices Of BYO Records:“French punk band The Briefs’ new album SexObjects will be released June 29th on BYORecords. The band will be returning to theiradopted hometown, Seattle, to play a recordrelease show at Vera on July 11 with The Spits,Schoolyard Hero and Diskord. Industry jawsdropped when the Briefs’ lawyer, Les “The Fist”Turnbladt revealed that BYO, an independentpunk record label, had agreed to pay the band anadvance of $900,000 (US) for a one record deal.According to Turnbladt, no one is sure whereBYO found that kind of money, but it is rumoredthat one of the owners got extremely lucky at anoff-track betting establishment in Tijuana. Also,as it is well known that The Briefs have little to nointerest in money, they have decided to donate theentire amount to their ex-tour manager, Falcon,who will be returning to the US from Berlin toopen a chain of vegetarian fast food restaurantsalong the interstates of America.” We’re confident that this is accurate informationand needs no further investigation.

And Finally…Our apologies to stalwart Nerve staff photogra-pher Laura Murray who was credited as LauraLemay in last month’s issue. An internal investi-gation has yielded little although the names BradDingdang and Adrian Mook keep coming up.

In His Own WordsWell, I almost died on the Trans-Canada nearRevelstoke. A van in the oncoming lane lost con-trol and crossed the centerline. I accelerated toavoid a head-on collision saving my own life andthe lives of my brother, father and occupants ofthe other vehicle. The resulting side-swipe totaledour car but left us without a scratch. I Fuckin’Rock! Dan Scum

7

Cheap Shotz YOU HAVE… 2

NEW MESSAGES, FIRST MESSAGE...

Received: Monday, June 7th12:28amFrom the President of the RitaMcNeil Fan Club.…yes, this message is for the per-son who’s by-line says “CropDuster”. She’s talking aboutRita McNeil and saying that shehas a fucked up hairlip andeverything, I mean, who is she tojudge? So Rita has a hairlip?Come on, she’s a person, andwho is this woman, this person,to judge her? It’s just wrong,wrong, wrong! She says “peopletell me she’s a real cunt.” Well,people tell her? Why doesn’t shemake her own judgments? Justletting off a little steam here,venting, and I’d love a reply.Thank you.

“Oh look, it’s the latest Nerve!I wonder if there’s anythingabout Rita McNeil in there!There is? Yay! Wait aminute...No! NO!!!!!!!!!”

Received: June 19th 2:34 pmFrom a reluctant coffee shopemployee.Hey, guys, this is Bean Aroundthe World on Main St. I justcalled to ask you not to bringyour magazine here anymore,we’re not trying to be prudish,but a mother actually found herlittle kid scribbling on (suppress-es a laugh) some little pictures ofpeople having sex and, well, shewasn’t very impressed. So, yeah,if you don’t mind not bringing ithere anymore. Thanks.

She “wasn’t very impressed”?Presumably she’s referring tothe 10 inches of Rock Allen dis-appearing into Jessie James’snatch on the cover of “Bone-anza” (Nerve issue #39, page27). Again - she “wasn’t veryimpressed”? Why are SizeQueens always so bitchy?

Franz Ferdinand: Scotland mourns

By Adrian Mack

The State of Colorado. The Land of Milk& Honey’s, chunky mountaintop chalets,Kobe Bryant’s pansy trial, as well as

home to lunatic Hunter S. Thompson and a 3piece outfit who seem to like cars. Denver’sHemi Cuda: a brazen attempt at recreating atrash-a-go-go vibe that would make RussMeyer proud. The band takes the time to let mefind out if there is indeed a serious side to yetanother female-fronted punk group trying tomake it without the use of the terms “Angst-rid-den” or “Grrrl” (enough already).

Nerve: Colorado. No offence, but it seems likethe most boring piece of shit state to have anemerging punk scene, besides Hunter S.Thompson, there really isn’t a hell of a lotgoing on is there. Why don’t you justLEAVE!?Karen Cuda: Well someone and their town havea case of low self esteem!!! Actually, Denverrocks - you should try it sometime.

Nerve: Your influences seem to be all over themap. So when can we expect a new album ofsongs relating to those influences or are yougoing to continue to just play/write 3 chordwonders?Karen: Here it is again - the most cliche inter-view question ever... the one relating to influ-ences. I don’t think anyone really cares whatour influences are and if they do maybe they’rejust hoping to see their name in there some-where. What would you say if I said mybiggest influence was my high school coun-selor? We just do what WE do, and if it’s 3chord “wonders” then so be it. We’re expect-ing to release our EP later this summer and afull length as soon as we find the right label todo it.

Nerve: Dream tour - what bands would you besharing the stage with?Karen: The Darkness and Gluecifer.

Nerve: Dream drummer? (besides RikkiRockett & Todd Marino - GazaStrippers)Karen: Funny you mention those two. First,because I was obsessed with Rikki Rocket as akid. I actually still have a poem I wrote abouthim - funny shit! Secondly, because ToddMarino only played with the Gaza Strippers forabout 45 days of their 5 year existence. MarkAllen, who IS our dream drummer, played withGaza Strippers for the last 3-plus years... and hejust happens to be playing with us now.

Nerve: 2 girls & a guy drummer - consideringthe wigs and all, why not dress up as 2 guysand a girl drummer?Karen: Because I would never wanna stop wax-ing my chest and I would have to in order toreally pull off the guy thing. Plus, you would-n’t be doing this interview right now... Orwould you??

Nerve: I noticed you cite authorHarry Crews (A Feast of Snakes) inyour bio, any other authors on yourlist? And do they have an influenceover your lyrics?Karen: So many authors, so manygood books to read. I’m sure every-thing I read affects my writing, butnot necessarily my lyrics. I writeabout what inspires me at the time.

Nerve: When it comes to PunkChix like The Slits, Bikini Kill,Girlschool (my fave) etc... do HemiCuda draw an influence from theirmentors. If so, who and why?Karen: What is it with all the influ-ence questions??? I am influencedmusically by everything that hap-pens in my life. I will always havetons of respect for other womenwith rock in their blood but I would-n’t call any of those bands my men-tors just because they are womenplaying rock. To me, music is anandrogynous thing - if it moves me -cool. But if I must flatter you withsome females who have been inspi-rational to me I would say BiancaButthole (RIP), Alana Davis, and PJHarvey.

Nerve: If you were in TheRunaways, who would you com-pare yourself to: Joan Jett or Lita FordKaren: That question sounds kinda silly cuz if Iwere IN the Runaways, I wouldn’t be compar-ing myself to them but I think I know what youmean; Joan Jett.Nerve: Are you sick of car questions?

Karen: No, I’m sick of influence questions.

Nerve: Are drugs involved with the songwrit-ing process or do you just rearrange the same3 chords and slap a different title on it?Karen: Drugs are involved with a lot. And no.

Nerve: What’s bumpin’ in yo ride right now?Karen: The new Gluecifer - Automatic Thrill.

Nerve: The Nerve Magazine can be found inboth Vancouver & Seattle, so riddle me thisCatwomen & Batboy, which city rocks harderand is by far the coolest?Karen: Hmmm..... I love both places so muchfor different reasons so it’s a toss up. But if

YOU really need that reassurance (see questionone) I’ll say …Vancouver. Happy?

Nerve: After appearing in “Nixing The Twist”have you considered straying from the musicbusiness to do more film?

Karen: It was my first shot at it - sounded likefun and it was. I’d consider doing more but Iwouldn’t give up music to do so. But shit, I canbe like Beyonce and be in the next AustinPowers movie. Yah Baby.

Nerve: If you were asked to do a reality show(god forbid) that centered around the rise andpossible fall of a girl band gone awry, wouldthere be scenes of Anika & Karen PMS-ingand kicking the be-jesus out of the drummer?Karen: You betcha, minus the kicking ourdrummer’s ass. We don’t do that. I don’t seeus going awry anytime soon, though. Wecrossed that road once and decided it wasn’tone we wanted to travel, at least anytime soon...

as long as everyone behaves!!!

Well with all of the action-packed questions,and attitude driven answers, this writer hasbeen put in his place. I should be ashamed ofmyself for kicking off the interview with such asalty tone. How dare I embark on such a treach-erous smear campaign! Boy, do I have someNerve! (No pun) I shouldn’t approach such asensitive and delicate matter, such as trying toget info (for you our faithful music buyingreaders), on a band that’s put out one indierelease in a 3 year period, that NO ONE has(really) heard of. Furthermore, I should havejust realized that Hemi Cuda rock, after seeingthat picture of them with Gene Simmons,which they posted on their web site. ForChrist’s sake: he ís the God of FuckingThunder! That alone is proof! He must be agreat influence to the girls. Hopefully the nov-elty won’t wear off.

Note: Since they don’t like talking about theirinfluences and you’re curious about what theysound like, we’ll just say: Gluecifer meets TheDarkness. With tits. Mind you, The Darkness ISa girl band, aren’t they? Catch Hemi CudaLIVE with the Red Hot Lovers, G.G. Dartrayand Sulturro July 16th at Mike’s Tavern, 303Columbia St, Vancouver B.C.

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The girls of Hemi Cuda working on material for their next 3 albums.

I would never wanna stopwaxing my chest...

By E.S. Day

Hemi Cuda Baffles the brain, boggles the balls andbreaks our hearts (except for the guy on drums)

FFFF EEEE VVVV EEEE RRRRSSSS nnnn aaaa tttt cccc hhhh CCCC aaaa tttt cccc hhhh

Casey Cougar’s picks for Babes of the Month!Photos by Casey Cougar

Nick from The Girls who managesto rock the framers, thong and fish-

nets simultaneously.

Shannon Brown (The Girls) -note that lady’s handreachin’ for the spots.

Kitten Coquette (UltravixenPeepshow, Sexwolf) celebrating

her birthday 06/14/04

Mike Park (Gung Hos), The Boy (artist) and Julia(homecare worker). Just look at them....

My pal Donna, mere hours after quitting a job she hated!

CougCougarar

AAGGRRIICCUULLTTUURREECCLLUUBB

Farmageddon on

Catch and Release Recording Collective

C&R Catalogue distro by

Sonic Unyon

Available from:

Sudden Death Records

suddendeath.com

Live!Sylvan Lake - Bikinis, July 1

Calgary - Bamboo Tiki Room, July 8

Alberta’s Own Independent Music Fest III

-- Benalto Rodeo Grounds, July 16

agricultureclub.cacatch-and-release.org

FarmageddonDirty, Distorted Rural Rock

10

12

Atmosphere’s MC Slug told me a story at the endof our interview that made me SHIT MY MINDbecause every last word of it was true. The proud

Minneapolis native is this year’s Hip-Hop model on thehedgy old Warped Tour and he’s actually colonizing anunknown frontier where skaters, punks and moping rep-resentatives of the Emo Union can agree that this shit isthe shit. Cut to five years ago when Eminem hauled hisunlovable skinny ass on that same stage and got peltedwith limes. And I can’t say I blame you. Talented hemight be, but I’m only thinking about Eminem and I’vestarted lobbing fruit around the living room. I just hit mygirlfriend. Sorry honey. Cut to only three years ago, thistime in Camden, New Jersey, and Eminem’s buddies D12are kicking holes in Esham’s face. What is WITH thesepeople? Is it just a Detroit thang? Cos Atmosphere, whocelebrate the Twin Cities by lightly advising, “sshhh-hh….”, they’re too nice for this game. And you guys arelike flies on honey for it. Amazing.

“Three weeks long and we were very well received,”he tells me about a short Warped stint last year. “It wasincredible… everybody was mad cool with us.”

I explain to Slug that I’m a jerk and then tell him thatI think Atmosphere is the punkest thing on the WarpedTour this year. He compassionately stoops to help me outof the gutter:

“…I’m not gonna co-sign it but I’m flattered that yousaid it and honestly, that’s very flattering to the WarpedTour as well.”

I think Slug’s diplomacy comes about partly becausehe’s a gentleman but also partly because he’s a business-man. Furthermore, he’s got a deal with Epitaph Records– trusted by millions, the official label of Punk Rock ™- who are distributing Atmosphere’s most recent CDSeven’s Travels to the kind of places Seven never wouldhave Traveled otherwise. It’s a great idea. We talk abouthis anxieties going into the deal and hitting the road withguys who play guitars and scream, but it’s paying off:

“…if you’re at my show, one of my headline tours,you know who I am whereas here! These kids are nothere for me, man. They’re here for a whole differentfuckin’ thing so for us to be able to, you know, reach outand grab some of them by their faces too, is really fresh,really inspiring.”

“Yeah,” I say, “things never turn out the way youexpect them to, basically. Ever.” I try and say that like it’smy credo or a Golden Rule or something. It’s prettyweak. Then Slug says, “That’s a good rule but then itkinda defeats itself if you make it the rule.” Smartass.

Slug will continue to give considerate answers to myquestions – sometimes he vexes audibly with himself.He’s at pains to be a moral guy, it seems, though thesource of Atmosphere’s charisma and mounting successmight be the evil comedy Slug deploys in taking the pissout of himself. In the shame-drenched new single“National Disgrace”, he joins hands with Rick James,Anna Nicole Smith, Bill Clinton, Mötley Crüe “and any-one else who has ever utilized their 15 minutes of fameto realize their true dreams of being an absolute jerk-off,just to keep the masses entertained…”

The guy has had his problems, mostly with womenand booze. But more on that later… let’s start at thebeginning.

“I never really knew how much money my parentshad, I just kinda knew that they never had any fuckin’money… I mean, they had a house, but they busted theirasses doing double shifts in two different factories. I wasa kid man, so I was like, let me play with an old tire! Inever really started thinking about that shit till it was toolate to go back and ask.”

Slug started the label Rhymesayers as a young man,with a bunch of friends. Since then he’s gotten kindafamous, fucked up a lot, jammed with Prince (sorta),toured a shitload, put out four of his own records with

By Adrian Mack

Greets and Rhymes: Amiable rapper Slug welcomes all patrons to this year’sWarped Tour. Then the dude from Queens of the Stone Age curb stomps them.

producer/DJ Ant (who doesn’t like people),carved out his weird place in Underground HipHop and now he’s here, on the phone with me– which is, of course, the pinnacle of his career.About the label, he tells me:

“Now that I tour so much, it’s like I’malways a phone call away and I still get a voteand all that kind of shit but I gotta be honest,this thing has grown into something that scaresme at this point. I don’t mean that in a bad waybut… if I all of a sudden was like, OK – I’mgonna come sit in the office for the next year, Iwould have to relearn so much shit – you know,we got fuckin’ interns, dude!”

“Our intern was useless,” I tell him, “he gotalong with the janitor, though.”

“Ours are the shit! But you know why? CozI advocate hazing.”

“You do?”“Oh yeah. I talk down to them and call

them names and all they’re allowed to do aboutit is smile. And dude, I’ll be honest…”

“You all get naked?”“No, never… Jesus, any of the three of

them could whup the shit out of me if it evercame down to it. That goes without saying. It’snot hard hazing.” He even bullies people like agentleman. This man’s too nice. It’s time forsome Dirt! And Karma!

“Were you a bad kid?” I ask.“I think I was probably what you call a bad

kid with good intentions,” he answers. “There’sDirt. And there’s Karma coming for me hereand there but, you know, I’m never gonna getkilled with Karma and I probably won’t evenend up in hospital with Karma.”

No. I’m afraid we’re going to have to askagain. Were you a bad kid?

“I’ve got a pretty crazy history withwomen,” BINGO! “…and I guess, in thatsense, I wasn’t always such a good kid.”

Actually, Slug’s battles with the ladies arewell known. His Lucy Ford album chronicledthe war from all sides. Except hers, HAR HAR.In truth, it’s unfair to finger Atmosphere withmisogyny when you consider so many of theirpeers or Slug’s candidness on the subject. Somedummies do believe this is Emo Rap, after all.Slug then acknowledges the delicate pussy-feedback-loop:

“I’m the guy that makes rap songs aboutrelationships, so now I’ve got a larger femalefollowing or fanbase than a lot of my contem-poraries do and it’s kinda strange.”

And since he brought them up, I mentionthat I find a lot of his contemporaries prettyfoul. Hip Hop is dominated by Bling-Blingbullshit and worse these days. Fuck I miss PE.

“Yeah, I don’t agree with it,” Slug tells me,“but at the same time, I can sit down at a tableand eat dinner with plenty of people that I don’tagree with but I still have to embrace the factthat Bling-Bling and the git money-movementis part of my movement, is part of my tree.When I was young, Big Daddy Kane was THEMAN and these are the results of Big DaddyKane, you know what I’m saying? And thoseover there? Those are the results of NWA. Andthose over there? Those are the results of De LaSoul.” He then adds, “I mean, honestly man,anything that Black people can do in this coun-try to get fuckin’ rich… I’m down for it as longas it doesn’t hurt other people.”

One of the reasons I personally am excited

about seeing Atmosphere on this tour isbecause I think it’s High Time that Punk got alittle less vanilla, musically. The book needs tobe re-opened. These are dull times as five min-utes with say, Bad Brains, will remind you. Orten with those granddads in the MC5. I don’thear so many bands acknowledging blackmusic anymore (and I ain’t talkin’ about thatRock-Rap fraud put about by the likes ofKirsten Dunst or whatever that baseball hatHostess Ding Dong guy in Linkin Park iscalled.) It’s all cut from the same cloth butthere seems to be too much dogma in Punk.There’s a couple of pretty brain damaged mes-

sages on the Epitaph website, of the “rap sucksI thought epitaph was a punk label fuck thiswigga shit” variety. Slug the diplomat knowsthat it starts with collecting records.

“I guess when I hear those types of state-ments it’s generally coming from one certainbracket of the people… somewhere betweenthe ages of 19 and 25 and they’re incrediblyfucking tuned in. They’re way too tuned in.They’re more tuned in than the artists are.Dude, I used to be one of ‘em. I used to work atthis record store here called The Electric Fetusand I would give you a review of a record with-out even fucking hearing the fucking recordbecause I was THAT cool! People would cometo me. I was in the circle… I’m SO glad I grewout of that shit, coz I was an elitist. I was asnob. I was the guy that was telling kids “this iswhat Hip-Hop is!” like yeah – get the fuckoutta here.”

Me too. But not with Hip-Hop. The goodones chill, usually after all that Saturn’s Returncrap, when they’re hitting thirty.

“Saturn’s Return came for me,” he says,

“and I ignored it and so what happened is, onthe tale end of it, it slapped me on the head witha 2 x 4… it was like a transitional thing whereI could literally – and this is without the use ofnarcotics – I could almost literally SEE my lifephysically and SEE that it was doing things andI didn’t understand that because I’m a controlfreak and I don’t want it to do that because I’ma fuckin’ Virgo! I got 30,000 fuckin’ recordsand they’re all alphabetized! Instead of justreaching out, putting my hands out Jesus-styleand laying back on it like it’s a big pillow witha Hip-Hop beat behind it, instead I just went,OK – you wanna play touch football? Watch!

And I started dodging and diving in differentdirections.”

This is my experience of Slug. He’s charm-ing when he admits that he fucks up. He alsoadmitted that out of those 30,000 records, onlyone is by The Ramones. “…it’s one where allfour of their big heads are on the front cover,”he says. “I can probably guarantee that I’venever played it.”

We talk a little longer about politics and thewar. Slug admires Canadians:

“I think it’s amazing because 16 year-oldswill talk about it whereas 16 year-olds at homedon’t even watch their local network newsmuch less read a newspaper, you now what Imean?” Slug’s take on the situation? He’sfreaked:

“… this is all some Mafioso type shit,” hesays when I go off about stolen elections andright wing vampires. Gradually, we wrap up.It’s been warm…. The truth is, Seven’s Travelspulled me out of a slump when I was preparingto talk to Slug. I realized I could still dig HipHop – especially when it’s smart, snakey and

soulful like this stuff. It’s a great record. He’sa cool fucker. Here’s the big story Slug told me– all true:

“Can I tell you a story about Punk Rock and theWarped Tour? I was on the fuckin’ bus last yearand we had played a show in Albuquerque,New Mexico on one of our off days… and dur-ing our show, a security guard lured a 16 year-old girl upstairs in the Theatre, raped her andkilled her. We didn’t find out till about five dayslater because he hid her in the Theatre. And thenews, when it happened, devastated the city.And it devastated us because of just how con-nected it was to us and to something we love.We didn’t know the girl but… at the risk ofsounding stupid, I loved the fan. I love everyfuckin’ fan. This is tied into the Saturn’s Returnshit we were talkin’ about: so there I am, drunkout of my mind. Somebody on the tour with ushad some pain pills that he got from the doctorso I stole one of his codeines. It’s never beenmy thing, but I always hear that if you take apainkiller while you’re drunk you’ll get reallyhigh and I’m feelin’ really sorry for myself andfeelin’ really sorry for this young girl and herfamily and I’m just feelin’ sorry. So I ate it andit was stupid but I got high and I’m, like, expe-riencing the inside of my mouth with mytongue… you know, rubbing my tongue acrossmy teeth and thinking wow, that feels weird andI’m staring out the window looking at the treesas they fly by the window of the bus, it’s likefour in the morning and all of a sudden,chhkkk! I broke a piece of one of my teeth off!With my fuckin’ tongue! So I reach in and pullit out of my mouth and I set it on the table andI’m kinda looking at it and I’m like: Wow. Theworld SUCKS. You know what I’m gonna do?I’m gonna prove the world sucks tonight. I’mgonna put this broken fuckin’ tooth underneathmy pillow and tomorrow morning when I wakeup if that tooth is still there, then I quit. I giveup. I don’t believe in God, I don’t believe inthis shit, I gotta go find something else to doand hide. So I put the tooth under this pillow…and I pass out. And the next morning I wake upand I get up out of my bunk and I remembersuddenly! Whoa! Fuck! I made a pretty heavyagreement last night with that tooth. How am Igonna stand up for that? So I reach under thepillow and I don’t find the tooth! Instead I findsomething that’s kind of crispy. But it’s alsokind of wet and so I zip back the pillow to lookand laying there is a dead tooth fairy. I musthave killed her in my sleep. I don’t know whathappened, I move around a lot in my sleep. Sonow I got the guilt of being the guy that killedthe fuckin’ tooth fairy to add to everything, youknow what I’m saying? I was afraid to tell peo-ple. People are gonna have kids, kids are gonnawant money for their teeth and so, I kindafreaked out and then I fuckin’ calmed waydown and I was like, there’s no way that there’sonly one tooth fairy. For this whole world? Doyou know how many people lose teeth? And Istopped feeling guilty, I stopped feeling sorryfor myself. You don’t even get to control yourown life half the time. You get to enable theoptions and your path is going to be walkedregardless of where you are and that’s nowwhat I believe. And it all comes from the toothfairy.”

13

CoCovverer

“...as for those idiot kids whoare upset at Epitaph... you shouldbe... but not for this... you should

be mad at Epitaph for lettingbands like Rancid be distributedby Warner... these guys are more

punk than Tim Armstrong willever be.” From the Epitaph

Message Board

“There’s no way in Hell that we’remore punk than Tim Armstrong…

but at the same time, I’m waymore Hip Hop than he is.”

Slug

It Takes a Nation of Mall Punks to Hold Us Back

15

Has it been long enough yet? Bored andlooking to get their drink on, ourheroes re-unite for a long overdue

update on what’s goin on under the seedyundergarments of our city’s ‘other’ ballet.

TexAss: With all the bar closings over thelast year (Fraser Arms, Big Easy, NBI ) itseemed as though the end of peeler joints wasnot far away. But alas, a new club has emergedfrom the bowels of indecency, the long sinceshut down old Club Paradise. Located atKingsway and Broadway, it was a magicalplace that used to house underage and under-fed strippers, junkie hookers, drugs, ChineseMafioso, unisex bathrooms, cheap drinks,cheap thrills, liquor infractions, skid marks andjello wrestling…Miss Dexter: Oh how we missed it…Tex: The birthplace of the stillborn child oftoo many Black Russians and VodkaCranberries… where this stupid, ill-advisedcolumn was originally conceived just prior to aflurry of regurgitation and a couple of severehangovers. TheParadise has finallyreturned! Under newmanagement and witha dynamic new name:Dex: Uranüs! Wefound a strip jointcalled Uranus! Andso it begins again…Tex: We wanted to bethe first ones inUranus so we gotthere early. There were so many questions wehad about Uranus.Dex: Such as: How big is Uranus now? Tex: What sort of people would be coming inUranus?Dex: Did they clean up Uranus? It used to bepretty nasty in there.Tex: Is there food in Uranus?Dex: (the answer to that one is “no”, unfortu-nately…)Tex: I wanted to eat at Uranus. Dex: Do you have to pay to get into Uranus?Tex: What does Uranus have to offer? Dex: We decided to stick around in Uranus fora whileTex: People were in and out of Uranus allnight.Dex: It was the Grand Opening of Uranus.Tex: I wonder when this will get old. Who thehell names a bar “Uranus” anyways? Whatwere they thinking?Dex: It’s already old, you’re the only one

laughing… What WAS funny was the DJinsisting on referring to the place as YER-inis.Like he was fooling anybody…Tex: Uranus: A big gassy planet astrologicallyassociated with bisexuality and transvestites,seems like the perfect name for a strip joint.When I saw the sign first go up, I was con-vinced it was a gay bar; that probably wouldhave been more appropriate. I, for one, wasdisappointed by the lack of cock.Dex: Uh huh… Speaking of yer anus, I madea b-line to the bathroom to see if they got themto lock yet. 2 out of 3 do now, but they’re stillunisex, just for confusion, and I’m easily con-fused, especially after 7 or 8 doubles.Tex: The place is actually really nice though.They totally cleaned it up and they replaced thebroken, old, chewing gum covered chairs withnew ones that are extremely comfortable. It’slike a ‘high class-ish’ strip joint now. Even thepole is upgraded – it actually goes all the wayto the ceiling and it’s attached to it and every-thing…Dex: Definitely not as seedy as the Paradise

used to be. But at leastthey kept the neon palmtree and Ferrari mural.Classic décor. Tex: The only placeaside from Brandi’s thathas metal detectors atthe doors!Dex: The dancers wereall hot! - not scary, “Ineeded 5 bucks so I’mstripping tonight’ girls

like back in the day…Tex: We entered Uranus on good behaviour, asprofessional Journalasses and left completelywasted jackasses.Dex: I got drunk and tried to go into businesswith one particular dancer – clothing, ironical-ly. I don’t think she was particularly impressedwith my ‘drunk girl at a strip club’ actTex: I had to practically pry you off of her, thepoor girl.Dex: We chilled with the new manager for awhile too, shot the shit. Tex: No promos for us respected journassesand we’re still giving it a good review!Surprisingly no ‘outer space travel’ theme(though it wouldn’t hurt) but the place is great.Good service, affordable drinks, clean glass-es…Dex: Now we don’t have to go all the waydowntown for a little T & A. Alright!

Uranus: A big gassyplanet astrologically

associated with bisexu-ality and transvestites,seems like the perfectname for a strip joint.

TTeex & Dex & Dexx

If you’re trying to get a band together, per-haps you should try shopping for musiciansrather than albums at Vancouver’s Virgin

Megastore. “That’s where I met all my friendswho play in bands - at my job!” laughs gui-tarist/vocalist Kathy Dube of The Cinch. I’msitting with the band and tossing back beers ata popular pub disguised as a restaurant on MainSt. Dube tells me about teaming with fellowguitarist/co-worker Mark Epp to form Janitorback in ’99, a project that, she admits, “neverreally left the living room.” They soon begancollaborating with singer/guitarist/tambourinistextraordinaire Jennifer Smyth, who says theirconvergence felt natural:

“It seems like everyone is an artist in thistown,” she explains, “coz we’re in that group ofpeople. It feels like the whole world is like thatcoz our world is.” Virgin’s Human ResourcesDepartment also provided The Cinch with CCRose, who has played piano/organ since child-hood but has quietly (if that’s possible)emerged as one of the premier drummers intown. She is also currently playing inVancougar as well as upcoming group ChristaMin.

“CC made it all happen,” continues Dube,“and Matt” (Lyons - a frequent character in TheCinch and current bassist in Nasty On).

With all members firmly in place by 2000,The Cinch carved out a sound highly influ-enced by 60’s pop bands. They simultaneouslyprovide a smooth yet rock-y pop ride markedby sharp dual riffs that swirl over groovy beats.Smyth’s cool, laid back voice blends withDube’s ever present, ultra-femme backingvocals to ethereal effect. While so many othersdemand your attention via smut and skimpyoutfits, The Cinch exude a smoldering sexinessthey’re likely unaware of. Within two monthsThe Cinch tested their formula by enteringShindig, the “rock and roll death match” spon-sored by CITR 101.9 FM (www.citr.ca). Thisannual competition fosters Vancouver’s musicscene, encouraging fresh bands to strut theirstuff at the Railway Club on potentially dullTuesday nights throughout the fall. PastShindig participants include notable bands suchas The Organ, Three Inches of Blood and Nasty

On, all of whom gained exposure from theexperience.

Eventually The Cinch won Shindig 2000,netting them 25 hrs recording time atMushroom studios. “We didn’t have anythingrecorded yet so that gave us our (self titled)EP,” says Rose, which sold briskly at the myri-ad of shows they played around town. One

early supporter, Brian LaManna (ValentineKillers) liked what he heard and insisted his palKen Cheppaikode buy The Cinch’s EP during avisit to Vancouver. Ken happens to run DirtnapRecords, one of the top labels in the Northwest,and was so enamored by his purchase hereturned to Vancouver in short order to checkthem out live. “He just loves music… he’s themost enthusiastic person I’ve ever met,” pro-claims Smyth. Ken invited The Cinch into theDirtnap fold that very weekend but chose tokeep the association with local label Stutter outof respect for their roots.

Following the Dirtnap merger, The Cinchplayed innumerable shows prior to taking anecessary hiatus just before Dube gave birth to

her daughter with partner Jason Grimmer ofNasty On/Stutter Records. These two areVancouver’s Kim Gordon and Thurston Mooreexcept they play in separate bands and areabout a million years younger. Once Dubemastered motherhood, The Cinch got serious.They recorded Shake If You Got It with ex-Spitfire frontman (and current Nasty On drum-

mer) Jason Solyom. The album succeeds inrepresenting their live persona whilst showcas-ing their growth, not to mention an obvious(and justified) surge in confidence.

Though the new album features GeoffThompson (Notes from Underground) on bass,they’ve since recruited Jen Deon for the posi-tion; she recently played her second show withThe Cinch at the Commodore, opening for TheNew Pornographers

Deon, like Dube, has an infant daughter athome so one might assume the wee babeswould diminish the yummy mummies’ timespent with the band, but Dube says otherwise:

“I will always do what I love doing - play-ing music... (the baby) forces me to be more

organized, plus the music helps her sleep…most likely, we’re gonna hit the States and doshows in short spurts”

“If only they would let us over the border(with less hassle),” laments Rose. “We can goanywhere in Canada, but the distance…”

“Touring across Canada can be a bit of abrick wall,” interjects Epp. “It’s so long inbetween shows. Plus, no one in Toronto careswho we are but people in Seattle do. So whynot go down? Crossing the border will becomeeasier, assuming George W. Bush doesn’t getre-elected. It won’t happen right away but itwill eventually.” This would certainly pleasethe legions of hot guys I know in Seattle wholove The Cinch. The ladies are flattered when Imention those dudes as they’re somewhatoblivious to that sort of attention, but they’rewise to admit, “…we’re hot chicks and we rocktoo. Pretty hard. Then there’s Mark. The quietgenius of the band! He holds it all together!”

Epp savours his role of sole male Cinch:“…ever since I was 3 yrs old my closest friendshave been female. I was an early bloomer.”

The Cinch will hold their CD release party atThe Brickyard, Friday July 23rd, with guestsHuman Hi-Lite Reel and Elizabeth. Check outmyspace.com – they’re myspace addicts. 4songs available.

MusicMusic

17

The Cinch Got It

It’s been a long time coming, but guitar hero Mark Epp finally gets his moment in the spotlight.

By Casey Cougar

When most bands take a“hiatus” it either means theyain’t coming back or theyshouldn’t. Metronomic ArtRockers The Cinch, howev-er, are breaking all the rulesagain and they’ve got awhole new album to makeup for the eerie quiet of thepast six months. The Nervecelebrates.

“...we’re hot chicks and we rock too.Pretty hard. Then there’s Mark...”

phot

o: J

ason

Grim

mer

WAYNE KRAMER

18

Carl: You’ll be here on the Fourth of July. Wayne: Independence Day. Carl: Independence Day in a foreign coun-try - isn’t that frowned upon? Wayne: Yeah, by a country that seems to haveforgotten what independence means. Carl: How do you feel about the currentstate of America? Wayne: Very discouraging. Carl: Do you find it cosmic happenstancethat you are on the road again? Do you feelthe parallel vibes with late Sixties America? Wayne: There’s no little irony in it. Carl: And a president who seems to be act-ing like Nixon, quoting the Old Testamentone moment, swearing at his advisors thenext. But Bush has a far more savage jonesfor the kill. Wayne: To tell you the truth he’s not as smart asNixon. Nixon was dangerous, bordering onincompetent. This guy is dangerous andabsolutely does not have the intellectual oremotional depth for the responsibility of hisjob. To me, he’s qualified to be a good grocerystore manager. You know, if you got a loaf ofbread that had mold on it, and you take it backand they say, “Hold on we’ll get our manager,Mr. Bush”. And Mr. Bush would come over andsay, “Gosh, you know, we’ll take care of this.Get Mr. Kramer a fresh loaf of bread and havea nice day.” You know, he could do that. And asfar as the biblical quotes you’d have to be deaf,dumb and blind to see that he doesn’t live byany of Jesus’ rules. As much lip service as hegives faith, religion, God, he doesn’t seem toknow what the principles are or live by them. Carl: Bush seems to have a very immatureconcept of death, like when he famouslymocked death row inmate Karla FayeTucker: “Please don’t kill me. Tee-hee-hee!” Wayne: Leading the most powerful nation onearth today is a tremendous responsibility andsometimes you have to make life and deathdecisions, and they should be based on princi-

ples, not ideology. Carl: Do you feel that the rest of his cronieshave gotten better at making the populationless politically active? Did they learn a les-son from the Vietnam War? Wayne: Not only did they learn it, they perfect-ed it to high art. (It’s) probably the most manip-ulative administration in the history ofAmerica. I mean, they manipulate science forpolitical purposes. They’re scary guys. Carl: Certain Right Wing blowhards areimplying that if you go to see the newMichael Moore film, you are supporting Al-Qaeda. Wayne: Exactly. If that’s the truth, then I’mAl-Qaeda all the way. Carl: Back in the Sixties, when did you firstbecome aware the C.I.A. was watchingyou? Wayne: Well, at the time everyone was a littleparanoid in general. But when you started see-ing it over and over again— when there’s twoguys with sunglasses and short hair sitting outin front of your house taking pictures—some-body’s interested in what we’re doin’ andthey’re not a record company. Carl: As a young man, were you brazenand fearless or did it ever flip you? Wayne: Oh, it strikes fear into your heart. Carl: Did you guys ever discuss backingdown? Wayne: Nah, we were too young and crazy toback down. You know, what were our options?Roll over? That’s what they wanted. And wehad been in worse trouble…There is nothingthat I consciously remember that I won’t talkabout. Carl: The bombing of the C.I.A. office inAnn Arbor? Wayne: (intense) I didn’t set a bomb. That’sall I can tell you. Carl: What was Detroit like in the GoldenAge, the period known as Heaven onEarth? Wayne: There was a total agreement of a gen-

“Brother Wayne Kramer! Brother Wayne Kramer!” And withRob Tyner’s righteous testimonial ringin’ in my well lubricatedlobes, I dial up one of the original rock ‘n’ soul men. The cardcarrying White Panther, free-jazz freakout artist, PunkGodfather, atom-smashing guitar player, jailbird, sonic revolu-tionary, solo artist, label owner, and enemy of the state: BrotherWayne Kramer. The man has certainly done a lot of things in his56 years on the planet. Hell, he even started a band with JohnnyThunders (now that woulda shortened any man’s stretch). But it’s with MC5 that Kramer will forever be identified. Thatband was many things, but the one thing they weren’t was kid-din’ around. In the early days, they wanted nothing less than atotal revolution: of the mind, the body and the country, and theywere willing to go all the way with it no matter the cost. Listento those records. Learn their history and be amazed. They hadF.B.I. files on them before they released their first record. Theycreated something new, something so powerful it is stillexpanding minds, hearts and souls a full 35 years after it wasconceived. And now the surviving members, which meansKramer and the feral rhythm section of Dennis Thompson andMike Davis are back playing to a new audience, blowin’ mindscoast to coast and around the world. Do NOT miss out when thecircus rolls into Vangroovy…because there WILL be thunder inthe night and Motherfucker! Jams WILL be kicked OUT!!

By Carl Spackler

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19

eration that the direction that the country wasgoing in was wrong. And they didn’t listen tous, and they never did listen to us until it wastoo late. Until, you know, 65,000 youngAmericans came home dead and millions ofVietnamese died. They’re not listenin’ noweither. Carl: I actually read a Ted Nugent quoteabout you guys that I could agree with:“The 5 had way more fuck-youness thananybody else.”Wayne: (sarcastically) Well, coming from noless of an authority than Ted Nugent, who am Ito disagree?

Carl: Do you run into people from the pastmuch? Seen Bob Seger lately? Wayne: Oh, I run into people from time to time.I saw Bob a few years ago. He seemed to bedoin’ fine. You know these guys are all multi-millionaires today. Carl: Are you not running in the same cir-cles? Wayne: (laughing) Yeah, we’re not in the samecircles. We don’t run into each other at thesupermarket. Carl: Or the Yacht Club? Wayne: Right, huh-huh. Carl: What was it like the first time yousaw The Stooges? Wayne: Oh yeah, they terrified people. Peoplehated ‘em. They weren’t popular at all. But weloved ‘em and that’s why we made sure theywere on our shows. And that’s why I made surethat they got a record deal. Personally. Carl: Were there any other bands from theDetroit scene you liked? Wayne: (pauses) You know, we perfected amethodology. We invented a way to play musicthat was new and we perfected an approach…

we coined a phrase, “High Energy”, and it wasa way of life, really. What happened is a lot ofthose bands and many bands since have nar-rowcasted slices of this and marketed it to greatsuccess, but never really getting a handle on themessage of the MC5. Carl: What would you sum that up as? Wayne: I think the message is always the same:You can make something from nothing. I mean,that’s what we did. Five knuckleheads fromDetroit. And you have to give it all you got!You have to hurl yourself into it! That’s themessage of the MC5. “Kick out the jams, moth-erfucker”. It doesn’t say, you know, put the

jams out on a platter and go get some iced tea. Carl: When you are up on stage do youthink about Fred and Rob? Wayne: One of the joys of this tour is we get tocelebrate the work of Rob Tyner and FredSmith, and we get to expose it to the audiencethey always wanted to have their music heardby: the people of the future. It’s an honour andit is very humbling. Carl: When is the DVD coming out? Wayne: That’s really the reason behind all ofthis. It’s released on July 6th, and it’s called ASonic Revolution - A Celebration of the Musicof the MC5. It’s a one-hour concert with a 30-minute short documentary, and then someUnited States government surveillance footageof the MC5. Carl: Do you have to pay them royalties? Wayne: No, your tax dollars do. Ha-ha-ha!!!It’s really a cool package, great liner notes. I’mreally into DVDs today. I think it’s all aboutDVDs. Carl: I’ve read the group’s statement con-cerning the feature-length documentary (anearly decade long project, now tied up in

court.) Do you care to comment any furtheron the matter?Wayne: No one is more disappointed than I amin the filmmakers. You know, I worked veryhard to make that movie a reality, and I threweverything I had into the filmmaking only tohave them renege on their deal with me. Andthey’ve made some terrible mistakes, and it’stheir job to fix them, not mine…the storybelongs to us, the members of the MC5 and weare not giving it away. Some things are worthfighting for. Carl: Do you ever feel the free jazz elementof the MC5 is overlooked?

Wayne: Always have, still do and it’s one of thereasons we have a horn section on the gig. Tokeep that connection alive… jazz doesn’t haveto be smooth jazz. Smooth jazz blows. It’s theworst. Carl: When I listen to jazz it’s always theclassics, nothing current. Is there anythingout there today worth listening to? Wayne: Not really…there was an entire shiftthere and I call it “The Curse of Miles”, whereMiles Davis saw that he could play in front ofthe rock audience and reach way more peoplethan four sets a night at the Blue Note, and heinfluenced a generation of musicians in his aes-thetic, which was the cool aesthetic. The out-growth of that was fusion where nothing reallyever fused. And then today we end up withsmooth jazz. The whole movement that ‘trane,Albert Ayler, Cecil Taylor, Sun Ra, everyonewas pushing forward…Sunny Murray, RashiedAli and the late great Elvin Jones. The wholething just got nipped in the bud. Carl: Do you think a similar thing hap-pened with soul music? Wayne: Nah, it’s wrapped up in Hip-Hop. It’s

hidden but it’s in there. Carl: I know you like Eminem. Are thereany other current artists you enjoy? Wayne: Missy Elliott and Timbaland are reallycutting edge. I mean, those records are spectac-ular. They change tempos, they change feels—it’s whole scenic shifts in one single. It’s themost creative stuff being recorded today. I likeanyone that is playing me something I haven’theard before. Sing me your song. Carl: What about current rock’ roll today? Wayne: Well, I’m an adult today and most ofthe music today is marketed to teenagers. I haveto work at finding things that I like. I love TomWaits, Steve Earle. I love someone with some-thing to say, that’s not interested in being partof a trend or a fashion. Carl: Do you still play your star-spangledStrat? Wayne: As a matter of fact, Fender guitars isgoing to make a signature Wayne KramerAmerican Revolution Kick Out the JamsStratocaster. The original Stars and Stripesmotif - they are gonna make a Custom shoplimited edition that will come with CDs andnotes, photos and posters and everything. Carl: How is Mark Arm getting along withyou guys? Wayne: He is fuckin’ incredible man. He knowswhat the lead singer’s job is. And he is spectac-ular at it. A very intense guy. Carl: He has now played with The Sonics,the Asheton brothers and you guys. Heleads a very charmed life. So, are you feel-in’ the love from the audience? Wayne: I’m feelin’ the love. Carl: Do you feel proud of the legacy andwhat you guys are doing right now? Wayne: I tell you, it’s humbling. It’s a hum-bling experience to see in people’s faces whatthis music means to them. Carl: Alright, I’m lookin’ forward to seeingyou guys real soon. Wayne: Us too. Take care, brother.

“...I’m Al-Qaeda all the way.”Wayne Kramer

Above: The 5 in their prime; shirts off! It’s time to change the world.Left: Thompson, Kramer, Davis today.

Career Advice for Mr. Bush

Billy ButcherPenny DreadfulOutlaw

“My balls are bigenough to start theThird World War,”claims Vancouver’sown blues-rockguitar hero BillyButcher, and you

kind of have to believe him. You can almostsmell the bourbon, stale smoke and puke-stained carpet wafting out of the speakers asMr. Butcher rasps tale after paranoid tale ofhard livin’, down-and-out rock debauchery.Hot rods, cocaine, tattoos, fast women,firearms and general lawlessness permeateevery single second of this record, making it

impossible to not understand what this guy isall about. It’s blues-based rock with a heavyaccent on the rock. Comparisons to Thorogoodare not unwarranted, but Butcher also has a lotin common with bad-dude bands like Circus ofPower and Little Ceasar. If half of the shit hesings is true, I suggest seeing him live beforethis album becomes all that’s left of him.

-J. Pee Patchez

At Arms LengthStill In The StormIndependent

This is a tuff thing to say. I’m not sure if I canget this out right, but I will try anyways. AtArms Length is the Edmonton punk version ofAlexisonfire. They have eccentric guitar licks,howling vocals and those fucking screams that

show you how angry these guys really are. “OfBreakups and Breakdowns” sticks out themost, showing off amazing percussion and gui-tar leads. These guys know they are tight; I’msure if they continue to expand and explorethey will be at the top of the screamo game inno time.

-Hooped

Burning Image1983-1987The Mentally IllGacy’s Place: TheUndiscoveredCorpsesAlternativeTentacles

Another couple ofre-issues from the label that has everything butsales on its mind, Alternative Tentacles gives usa goth punk entry into the Reissues ofNecessity series (Burning Image) and apunk/noise chapter in the Killed by Deathseries (The Mentally Ill). Let’s start withBurning Image, shall we? Perhaps the forerun-ners of the whole goth punk phenomenon (AFI,Pitch Black, Phantom Limbs), they combineelements of surf, punk, goth and New Wave tocreate a cool sound. Dated and a little atonal,but good. Next up is The Mentally Ill, a noisy,sloppy punk band totally involved in the racketthey are creating without a care for who’s lis-tening. Most songs are about serial killers andgenocide, fitting topics for these screechyweirdos. Like fingernails on a chalkboard.These CDs aren’t going to fly off the shelvesanytime soon, but both bands should be heard.

-Jason Schreurs

Gene SimmonsAsshole Sanctuary

Not since the heady, heady daysof ’78 when Gene was doingDisney tunes while buying icecream for Cher and GreggAllman’s illegitimate albinochild have we heard a solo effortfrom the demon-god of thunderhimself. And while he’s notbanging Diana Ross anymore,his star power is undeniable.

D’ya like The Beatles? What about FrankZappa? What about Eric Burdon and War,Jane’s Addiction, Queens Of the Stone Age,Bob Dylan, The Prodigy and Don Ho. Yeah,my man Gene’s got ‘em all. This is without adoubt the single greatest album of this year orany other year for that matter. Wait a minute,I’m lying. I would be a real asshole if I led any-one to believe this was a good album. Asshole?How about DOUCHEBAG.

-8 Ball

C.AARMEs/tBurning Heart/Epitaph

Apart from the horrendously bad Lost Patrolalbum released earlier this year, Burning Hearthas an impressive track record of putting outsolid Swedish hardcore releases. C.AARME’sfull-length debut matches these expectationsand goes one step further. While some bandsstop short on their first outing, C.AARMEcome out fighting with a full assault of classicand current hardcore mayhem. Mirroring theimmediacy of Minor Threat and DeadKennedys, and underpinned by a dark, drivingbass akin to The Division of Laura Lee, thisalbum strikes a heavy blow with a ruthless fist.

-Adam Simpkins

Keith LeveneKiller in the CrowdUnderground

You may rememberKeith Levene as the“lesser of the twoinflated egos” fromPiL or as one of thefounding membersof The Clash

(although he never recorded any albums withthem and was only given partial credit for“What’s My Name”). Either way, he’s back!You would think that after being away from thespotlight for 15 years, he could come up withsomething more than a 15-minute EP filledwith eight minutes of filler and only one decent

song. You might think that, but you’d bewrong. Jumping to and fro from soulless funkand clumsy dub, Killer in the Crowd is thesound of a jaded musician still trying to find hisvoice, but unfortunately in all the wrong places.

-Adam Simpkins

MorrisseyYou Are TheQuarryAttack/EMI

So in high school Idated this crazychick that had amajor Smiths boner.It would also besafe to say she held

a little girly crush on any members of saidband’s solo projects. Anyhoo, things didn’t panout for my little Manchurian and me. I losttouch with her AND old Steve. Fast forward afew pant sizes and seven years, and guess whohas a new album out? That’s right. The Moz.He’s back and he’s pissed. American politics,hamburgers, you name it. I like hamburgers.

- 8 Ball

Planet SmashersTen – The DVDStomp

Well it’s been tenyears since ThePlanet Smashersstarted blessing ourmusical ska-punkears with theirinterpretation of thegenre. Their newDVD, Ten, sums itall up quite nicelyin a straight-aheadfashion. It has all 12

videos dating back to ‘94, some interviews thatmost of us on the West Coast haven’t seen(because they’re all done by Musique Plus—the dirty word for Much Music), the completeanimated movie of Catman by Ryosuke Aoike,tons of live footage from Canada, the USA andJapan plus outtakes and other shenanigans fromthe mighty ska-sters. If you love The PlanetSmashers, this is a must-have. If you’re in thedark, then it’s the easiest way to cheat and findout almost everything you need to know inorder to become part of the clan.

-Coffee Guy

Raw PowerThe Hit ListSudden Death

Good old thrashin’metal punk fromItaly. This discspans the last twen-ty some odd yearsof Raw Power’sd i s c o g r a p h y .

Kickass, in-your-face, crossover punk rock.Remember bands like D.R.I. and S.O.D.?? Thisdisc is a good history lesson, so pick it up,bitch.

- DC

The 3tardsThe Greatest HitsVol 2Wounded Paw

Actors say thatcomedy is moredifficult thandrama, which mustexplain the rarity ofgood comedy

music. Being the uncontested godfathers of theASSCORE style, Ontario’s 3tards have set asteep career hill for themselves, which they areonly interested in climbing so they can pratfalldown the other side like a Chevy Chase withlong hair and scabies. The problem with mostcomedy acts is that once you hear the jokes, theneed to keep listening diminishes, but not somuch with 3tards because they actually playfunny too, like the Dead Milkmen or ForgottenRebels. And the sound is all 80’s metalpinched from the unattended weedbags ofM.O.D., Dayglos, Scatterbrain and Helix.Plus, the drummer was in Sacrifice ferchrisakes! Good Canadian kids. Buy thisparty record despite potential pawnabilty oncethe jokes get old, but DO NOT, UNDER ANY

OfOff The Rf The Recorecordd

The Goddess of Thunder is the bassist forBlack Diamond, an Ohio-based, all-femaleKiss tribute band. We asked for herthoughts on Gene’s nutty solo record,coyly titled ***hole on the Advance Copywe received. (Gene – we’re very disap-pointed. Unless those asterisks are therebecause the CD is actually called some-thing TRULY offensive, like “Jew-Hole”,in which case you would be right to censoryourself.)

Nerve: Honestly - what did you think ofAsshole?Goddess of Thunder: Honestly, it has grownon me the more I listen to it.At first I was a bit disappointed because itwasn’t as ‘heavy’ as I was hoping it wouldbe, but I gave it a chance and now I ratherlike it!! I hear a lot of Beatles influence insome of the songs. And a few of the songsare just plain FUNNY, such as “Asshole”!Nerve: Firestarter? C’mon! What is he?Insane?Goddess: INSANE?? I THINK NOT!! Asyou probably realize, “Firestarter” is aremake of the Prodigy tune. I really like thissong. It’s my favorite on the album. Perfectfor Gene to do, seeing as he breathes FIREand all! Nerve: Does it bother you that an obscene-ly wealthy and corrupt old shit like GeneSimmons would try and make money byimpersonating you?Goddess: HAHA! RIGHT! How DARE heimpersonate ME!! Corrupt old shit…hmmm-mmmmm, I’d have to disagree with that.How many 55-year-old men do you knowthat can still jump around in 7-inch heelsbreathing fire?? NOT MANY!! (Actually, Iknow six – Music Ed.) I don’t see Gene ascorrupt at all. He has a product, “KISS”, andhe sells whatever he can with the KISSname. People aren’t forced to buy.Nerve: What’s worse: Asshole or theother solo record? The disco one.

Goddess: HEY, I loved Gene’s ‘78 soloalbum. I still listen to it a lot! It definitelywas NOT disco. You must be confusing itwith DYNASTY!! Nerve: What’s worse: Asshole or TheElder?Goddess: OK, now THESE are fightin’words!! The Elder is justmisunderstood - I LOVEThe Elder! There are somegreat songs on there! “I” isrockin’, and “Mr.Blackwell” and“Dark Light”, these aregreat tunes! The Elder getsa bad rap.Nerve: What’s worse: TheElder or getting yourvagina trapped in a swingdoor?Goddess: Ummmm, I cansay I’ve NEVER had my vagina trapped in aswing door, but I would imagine that wouldbe MUCH more painful than listening to TheElder.Nerve: Did Gene hit on you when youguys met?Goddess: Well of COURSE Gene hit on me!It’s to be expected! I’d probably be disap-pointed and insulted if he didn’t! Gene is sodamn entertaining I can’t stand it!! I just lovehim!!Nerve: How creepy would it be if he hiton you while you were both in make-up?And then he started calling you “Gene”.Right in the middle of the grope.Goddess: Hmmm, that would be ‘different’.Nerve: When are you gals coming toVancouver?Goddess: We would LOVE to come up!! Weare the only all-female KISS tribute band thatwe know of that is actually out there playing.It is SO much fun impersonating my favoriterock Hero…I even recently learned tobreathe fire!!

-Adriam Mack

GGeennee SSiimmmmoonnss??

20

It was THIS big.

21

CIRCUMSTANCES, MISS THESE GUYSLIVE!

-J. Pee Patchez

The ArgumentHolden OnTeenage Rampage

The Argument are apunk rock bandfrom Vancouver,and Holden On istheir first album.Each song is differ-

ent from the last, but for the most part theygravitate toward the heavier side of the punkspectrum. There are chanted gang-sung back-ups, nifty little breakdowns, two or more six-strings set on “shred”, soft-to-hard soundexplosions, and well shouted vocals shared bytwo main singers with occasional input fromthe female bass player. On a local level, this isa strong debut although the band seems to befinding themselves as the tape is recording. Itsounds loose, unforced and unpretentious, indi-cating a steez built upon their live set. There isenough good stuff here to get you to drag yerass down to the ‘Balt next time they play, andthere is also the implied promise of a brightfuture as they evolve and focus.

-J. Pee Patchez

The BriefsSex ObjectsBYO

If The Briefs fuckas well as theywrite songs, theydon’t need any SexObjects to helpthem along. No

first-listen instant mix tape classics on this,their third full length album, but they stillmaintain a sense of urgency that actually start-ed to stress me out as the album playedthrough. When I took a second listen, the pophooks started to bob their little peroxided headsand this record started whipping my ass so hardI checked for a “Kick Me” sign. It’s exciting tonot be able to pick out the instant hit on arecord because it plays like a greatest hitsalbum. You should probably get this onetoday…..Oh, I’m sorry, did you need somehelp? The Briefs are pun-krock

- Killed by Jeff

The ElectricWizard We LiveRise Above

You would thinkthat getting hitrepeatedly in theface with a brickwould be monoto-nous. Maybe mix it

up with a hammer or a sock full of quartersonce in a while, but, hey, the brick hurts, thebrick works, why don’t I just fuck off and letthem use the brick? Got to admire a band thatlooks at such grand concepts as progress,experimentation and competent musicianship,and then raises a resin-stained middle finger,high and proud. Big, dumb apeman-style songdynamics that take that same fucking unmemo-rable riff they’ve been belting out for the last10 minutes and speed it up to the level of Cro-Magnon man. The addition of a new femalesecond guitarist is cool, not because she addsany more depth but because Doom + Chicks +Guitars = Hot. If you take this trip, rememberto pack a bong. Shaped like a wizard.

-David Bertrand

The Heavils HeavilutionMetal Blade

The Heavils were one of the most entertaininglive acts to hit Vanshitty in recent months,opening for their buddies in Strapping YoungLad. But that is not the Illinois three-piece’sonly connection to our little town. Heavilutionwas recorded here at Greenhouse studios withSYL’s Devin Townsend twiddling knobs aswell as collaborating with them on a couple ofcompositions. In keeping with their love forcustom-built guitars, they even got custom-built Guitar Hero Rick Neilsen to play on acover of Cheap Trick’s “Just Got Back”. As for

their sound, let’s just say you have NOT heardanything like this before! It’s heavy, yet play-ful and eclectic. They are weird in a Primussort of way, but with a way more aggressiveapproach. The lyrical content is personal andscathing, standing almost in contrast to the fun-as-hell music. HIGH-ly recommended!

-J. Pee Patchez

The MatchesE. Von Dahl Killedthe Locals Epitaph

There are 12 thingsI found horriblywrong with this CDand that would betracks 1 to 12. Ithink this albumblows. It’s not

punk, it’s not rockin’, it isn’t really anythingbut a pile of pop bullshit. The lyrics make mefeel like I’m in high school reading stupid,poetic shit notes from the fat goth girls thatwant to suck my face after class. That makesme wanna puke and, sorry, so does this album.Screw off The Matches, you’re giving punk abad name!

-Hooped

The Operators 780 Advance Copy CD Longshot Music

I’ve heard The Operators 780 described asalternatively playing ska or reggae. Skainspires visions of 20 piece brass sections andreggae brings up images of Dennis Brown andBob Marley. This isn’t quite the case withthese Operators. Many people want to foldthem into a niche that says they sound like TheClash, which isn’t exactly abad comparison, but itdoesn’t go far enough.Sure, there’s a bit of a“Police and Thieves” vibeto “Say It Again”, and“Indecision” is a prettystandard second wave skaanthem. Still, these boyshave created their ownsound with this CD. Lotsof guitar and organ, and theonly horn here is a singlesaxophone that blends inwell. Best feature: no brasssection.

-Richard Murray

The Wildhearts…Must BeDestroyed!Sanctuary

The Wildhearts’forte is StadiumRock with heartand brains - proba-bly part of theschool curriculum

in the UK these days. As such, they fall some-where between angsty, identity-troubled pio-neers The Manic Street Preachers and thatband’s sensitivity-free Yang, The Darkness.Aside from a ghastly opener, the techno friend-ly earwax stimulant “Nexus Icon”, and a mid-album dive into pointless hard beat Ministry-onics (why???), Ginger and Co. really shine onglamular, sing-a-long poptunes that belie anaffection for The New Seekers or Brotherhoodof Man. But with Marshalls etc. You’ll beadding your own falsetto harmonies by the sec-ond listen.Be warned: this is a “new” record in the con-temporary “Compact Disc” format, and there-fore sounds like a million vast sheets of glasshumming in a migraine chamber conjured bythe sort of mind that also dreams up LaserDefense Shields and other notably inhumaneapparatuses.

- Mack

Various ArtistsLet’s Start the Action - An Electronic Tributeto D.O.A.Sudden Death

You can’t even tell what half these covers arewithout looking at the sleeve. What’s thatabout? D.O.A. are the O.G.s of Canadian punkrock and this isn’t how one should pay tribute.Next time, get punk bands. That would be

worthwhile. This disc won’t tear you a new assunless you suck on a soother and watch TheTeletubbies.

-DC

US Roughnecks Twenty Bucks andTwo Black Eyes HellCat

These fuckingKnuckleheads suresound pissed. Ithink I’m gonna tryand book them anAll Ages Gig inNorth Van some-

where. I’ll charge five bucks, let in four kids,then burn the 20 bucks.

-Hooped

W.A.S.P.The Neon God: Pt.1 - The RiseSanctuary

Like Alf in Pogform, BlackieLawless is backwith a newW.A.S.P. album.Part 1 of a concept

series at that. Skeptical? No shit. How isBlackie to legitimize himself after being a car-toon metal heathen in the uber-cheezy 80’s?Well guess what? Blackie gets props for chal-

lenging himself and absolutely KILLING hisolder material. The whole neo-Who-like con-cept shit is bold to say the least. The produc-tion is large and crystal-clear. Blackie hasnever boasted a hot set of pipes, but his vox arebetter than they should be. W.A.S.P. fans (I’mlooking at you, Al from Nasty On) will attemptcoital relations with the hole in this CD.Blackie performed and oversaw every singlenote of this album and has shown himself to bemore than just a sawblade jockstrap and four-letter song titles. -J. Pee Patchez

The WaxwingsLet’s Make Our Descent Rainbow Quartz

As Americans with their heads apparently notfirmly stuck inside their asses, the tasteful folksat Rainbow Quartz Records in New York (NewYork) oughta have their own border and gov-ernment. Until that happens, we should supporttheir satellite economy as it relies on PowerPop and Psych instead of Imperialism, IllegalWar and Psy-Ops. The Waxwings, brave citi-zens of The United Rainbow of Quartz (sta-tioned in Detroit), have released an album thatwould be merely OK if this were the only labelin the world. Since reality is all stinky-wet-shit,this jangly throwback ends up being much bet-ter than average, though it’s no cock-ticklerlike labelmates Outrageous Cherry or TheSingles.

-Mack

I spoke with Brad Nattrass of TheOperators 780 from his home in the urbanoasis of Edmonton, deep in the northernwilderness of Alberta. The Operators 780will be playing Mike’s Tavern inVancouver on July 15 and the followingday in Victoria for the Ska Festival.

NERVE: Little of the coverage I’ve seen onyou guys touches on the origin of the bandother than it evolved out of a collaborationbetween Eric, Brad and Mike.

BRAD NATTRASS: Basicallybefore The Operators, Eric andMike played together in a highschool ska band called TheClones. The Clones broke up,that led Eric to eventually joinMad Bomber Society and laterthe Cleats. He was in thesetwo bands when TheOperators officially gottogether. For the rest of us,The Operators is our first bandof note, and first band at all forsome of us.

Nerve: Does it worry you at all that theconstant comparisons to The Clash couldlead to people viewing you as some sort of“knockoff” than anything else?Brad: I love The Clash. I would argue that theywere the best band of all time. Not for any par-

ticular song or record, but simply for the factthat they continued to evolve and experimentwith new things constantly. Lyrically theywere always on point. I don’t mind being com-pared to The Clash one bit. I don’t know if welive up to that comparison, but it’s somethingthat I hope we are striving for. At the sametime I think it is just easy for people who don’tlisten to reggae to say that. For most people,that’s what immediately comes to mindbecause they often don’t hear reggae influ-ences anywhere else. I guess that’s OK too.We can’t expect listeners to have the sametastes in music as us. All of that is what makesus unique in our approach and sound.

Nerve: What do you guys want out of allthis? Brad: I always feel thankful for all of theamazing things that we’ve gotten a chance toexperience. Making this record with full cre-ative control was a huge highlight for me andthe band. Being away on tour is also a bless-ing. Last summer we were in every majorCanadian city from Victoria to Montreal. Thisyear we are touring once again. We just gotnews that we will likely be recording a newsingle for Longshot Music in a New York Citystudio. These are all things that I could havenever imagined happening to us when this gotstarted.

-Richard Murray

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Todd TaylorGorsky Press

Todd Taylor is the man behind the musicmagazine Razorcake, and was once amajor all-round force behind the scenes

at Flipside, which is likely why his book, BornTo Rock, reads more like a giant punk rockdouble-digest than a regular book. In it,Taylor puts forth for posterity a huge collectionof interviews and essays for and about punkrock. Band interviews include: Dillinger Four,Smogtown, Kid Dynamite, Bloodhag, ToysThat Kill, the Thumbs, Strike Anywhere,NOFX, Fletcher from Pennywise, Rev. Norb,Hot Water Music, and Tiltwheel. As well asmusicians, Taylor thoroughly picks the brainsof skatepunk psycho Duane Peters, child-rightsadvocate Andrew Vachss, DK album coverartist Winston Smith, censored and jailedBoiled Angel comics artist Mike Diana, as wellas Tim Yohannan and Jen Angel from punk‘zine Maximumrocknroll.

The interviews are all HUGE in length andvery in-depth. Taylor does a great job of allow-ing his natural curiosity to lead the conversa-tions down paths laden with information andanecdotes. He gets right in there when he’staking on an interview subject by tactfullymanoeuvring the conversation away fromsuperficial rock talk. Taylor’s love for punktints everything he writes about and the readeris rewarded with an uplifting, reverent han-dling of the culture free of negativity and cyni-cism. Nowhere is this more evident than in hishandful of essays that fill us with pride andhope on the touchy subject of being punk andaging, and drops mad science on the topics ofjournalism and interviewing. Born To Rock isabout keeping it real, being hardcore, not quit-ting, doing what you love, evolving and beingloyal. In short, being punk.

-J. Pee Patchez

I use my one good arm to dig my finger-nails into the jagged rock as I dragmyself up the mountain. At the top Ihope to obtain a precious nugget or twoof wisdom from punk journalism guruTodd Taylor. How does one interview amaster interviewer? Will an interviewvortex open up and swallow the uni-verse? Probably not, but I have to findout.

By J. Pee Patchez

Worst interview experience ever?One that didn’t happen. I’d been a big fanof Jawbreaker but never got a chance tointerview them when they were an activeband. I’d contacted Blake Schwarzenbachafter they broke up to see if he’d like to

talk, but he said he wasn’t doing music for abit. A year or so later, he was touring withJets to Brazil, so I set up to interview him. Igot there about three hours before the show,when I was told to. I told the bouncer that Iwas there to interview the band, he took abusiness card - the one and only time a bandhad asked for one - and he came back andsaid the band didn’t want to be disturbed, butthey’d get with me after. I sat outside as theysound checked. So I ended up sitting fortwo-and-a-half hours and right as I got up Isaw Blake walking away, head down. Hedidn’t want to talk and I didn’t want to both-er him, figuring his publicist had set it upand he didn’t care about an interview. I felt alittle snubbed, but no big deal. I didn’t eventry to sell my tickets. I just gave them awayto a couple of kids and drove home. What interview has given you the mostbragging rights?I don’t really brag. Shit, most of the bands Iinterview the general populace has no ideaexists. The thing that makes me the mostproud is that a vast majority of the bandsI’ve interviewed, I can call them friends.That said, I’m still sort of amazed that thehistorian Howard Zinn let me and my buddySean interview him. What books would you be honoured tohave Born To Rock share shelf spacewith?Tortilla Flats by Steinbeck, Revolt of theCockroach People by Oscar Zeta Acosta,Working by Studs Terkel, The Wind-Up BirdChronicles by Haruki Murakami, Fucked Upand Photocopied, Hardcore California, TheGeorge Seldes Anthology, and Willard andHis Bowling Trophies by Richard Brautigan.That’d be a mighty fine bookshelf.As a music journalist, is there ever any“rock star envy” lurking in the back ofyour mind? Not in the slightest. I don’t like the idea offame. I’m a very shy and private guy.There’s no picture in the book, or any maga-zine that I’ve published, that has a distin-guishable picture of me. (Yet I understandthat people interviewing me would wantone.) I’m not the point when I interview aband. The point is the music and the culture.Anti-fame would be better. I figure if I’mforced to learn that the last Friends episodejust aired and it’s part of “TV history”, thenthe rest of the planet should be forced to lis-ten to Leatherface’s Mush when they pump

their gas orread aboutD a v e yT i l t w h e e lconsideringclown schoolwhen they’restanding inline buyingtoilet paper.

The Assignment: I asked Spackler to reviewthese two new discs. “150 words each,” I said.“Tops.”The Problem: Alcoholism. Possibly somebrain damage and latent psychosis, but whoknows. He doesn’t like to talk about whatthose sick bastards did to him. Just know thatThe Junior Rangers aren’t the benign peace-keeping force that they claim to be. Gungalagun gungala.The Results: Read on. The author lives in agarage.

Monster MagnetMonolithic Baby!SPV/Steamhammer

I used to really digstoner rock. Lots o’hair, fuzz pedals,grass, mescaline,phaser pedals, icecold beer, giantphallic riffs, head

splitting volume, flange pedals, über-groovybeats, over-driven Ampeg stacks rumblin’ yourkidneys, buried vocals implying an urgent lustfor the ladies, Impalas, Chevy Vans, the desert,skateboarding, the Lords of this World and the-ories about the Cosmos, spaceships, aliens andmagic snowmen that woulda made Carl Saganproud or that smart little dude in the wheel-chair, the one that’s getting all those beat-downs. “Metal Dance Party” was the term myamigos and I coined and when it was men-tioned, the rest of the world was put on hold.We would get into a primordial state of beingwith heroic doses of whatever we could get ourgreasy mitts on and shimmy ‘til dawn. Howlong ago was that now? Five years? Eightyears? Where have the psychedelic boogiemasters gone? Fu- Manchu? Scotty cut his hairfer’ chrissake! C.O.C.?They haven’t made adecent record sinceDeliverance. Nebula?Eddie Glass has got thedirtbag gearhead lookdown to his fuckin’greasy semen-caked dun-garees, and his guitarplayin’ sounds like aSuperjudge on nitrous,but I wish he was still theFu’s gunslinger. Kyuss?Well, the Queens areawesome, but sometimesI miss the CaptainCaveman singin’ and it’snot the same with theKraftwerk feel. I mean,there is no desert inGermany! And theKrauts don’t driveDetroit muscle on theAutobahn, and they sureas fuck shouldn’t beallowed to ingest large quantities of illicit sub-stances! Those people will be goose-steppin’their way back into a heart of darkness thatalready has enough members (Hi Bushy, youcrazy drunk fuck!). There are other newerstoner acts, but I won’t get into it. I’ve been tor-tured by an “Atomic Bitchwax” record before.Nasty bit o’ business that I’m still licking mywounds from. Anyway, the disc that hascrossed my path is the new Monster Magnet,who were once heavily involved in the wholemess of lysergic volume and debauchery Idescribed. Fucking sweet Hashish Psychosis,did I love Spine of God! And Dick Clark shoul-da had them on the “Electric Circus” forMegasonic Teenage Warhead! Talk about yourdisco inferno! Well after they leapt into themajor labels, put away the ‘Electric Mistress’and sucked royally on “Space Lard”, they findthemselves back in the land o’ indie rock. (NotK Records, dumbasses! Don’t even bring thatup! Herr Mack has given me a deadline that Imust stick to or I’ll miss out on my share of theSprëadEagle finger hash! If I even get startedon those whinin’, sweater wearin’, out of tune,no rhythm, white-bread, no sex library types,my spleen will explode in a river of black hatethat will engulf us all!) And even though theyare free from the shackles of the “Man” theystill are playin’ the same kinda stuff as whenthey were under his wheels. The “Man” alsoconfiscated their flange pedals and has not

been kind enough to return them. A coupla ofsongs generate some heat in a kinda “I’m ascumbag, I know what I like” Tesco Vee-stylie,but not enough to rally the troops and make meput on my boogie shoes and boogie with you.Maybe I’ll chew on some reds and listen to thatSleep record. Nah, fuck it - it’s a Thursday. Acoupla cannonballs, a little “In Search Of” isjust the medicine this boy needs just to get myhead together and fill my heart with joy.

The London QuireboysWell OiledSPV/Steamhammer

Jesus fuck! Thewind is blowingsomething fiercetonight. I’m hun-kered in the bunkerand thank the greatgod’z wisdom that Iam. A fine glass ofblood red Ital

beside me and a headful of the best charlie thatE**** B** B**** could provide me with.Mother freakin’ Mary! What is this stuff? Thegoddamn walls are flexin’ back and forth like afuckin’ Japanese car full a ‘roid monkeys onRobson street on a Saturday Nite, jacked up onRed Bull, ecstasy and repressed homo desires.But me, I’m just a red blooded male enjoying aloud stereo. Just a good Canadian like yourself.Now I’m spinnin’ round the room (can’t beat‘em …).This Whiteman’s shuffle I’ve gotgoing is really fuckin’ something, I’ve gottasay. I move like a cobra. I turn it up higher andlurch into a full high kick! Wooo! The sound isgoing right thru me! Everything swells. Thegood times are underway. The Hi-Fi is playin’Rock ‘n’ Roll. A specific kind of rock ‘n’ roll:Geezer Rock ‘n’ Roll. Riffs, Grooves, Songs!

Sweet guitars of both kind:boogie and slide,Hammonds, barrel-houseWurlitzers, Marlborowhiskey vocals, Tartan pantsthat have the look and cut ofsome highly deranged andsexualized 19th hole mad-man, sport coats, scarves,platform shoes, Ron Woodhaircuts! Ron Wood! No,there’s no Woody here, yet.At least not until I finish upall this cocaine. Hell, thelabel this disc is on is calledSteamhammer, ‘ferChrissakes! That alone callsfer another round of thegood stuff! And what a discit is! The London Quireboys.“It’s Seven ‘o Clock”, thatwas the song wasn’t it? I’mdrawn back to a time in thelate eighties, the last timeGeezer Rock enjoyed a little

popularity. The Quireboys, The FourHorsemen, The Georgia Satellites, The BlackCrowes (one good first record, an OK 2nd, therest so fuckin boring). Hell, there was amoment when these Quireboys were dukin’ itout for top spot. Their last record, This IsRock’n Roll, kinda had me wondering wheremy party pants were! (Turns out the party iswhen I ain’t wearin’ ‘em) The new album ain’texactly rediscoverin’ new terra. Hell, mother-fucker steals Ian McLagan’s lines wholesale ona couple tracks, and these lyrics ain’t gonnamake me forget Ronnie Lane any time soon. Oreven Frank “Rockin is My Business andBusiness is Good” C. Starr, R.I.P. But it sure asshit beats listenin’ to Rod “I Hope SomeoneMakes You Drink 20 Gallons of Semen on theSlight Chance It Makes You Record a DecentRocker” Stewart (before volume three of theGreat American Song Book comes out - Musicfor Larry King’s Colonoscopy), cuz you soundlike you downed at least a quart or two. And theextra pecker snot? That’s just for “ForeverYoung”! You pissed it all away, limey bastard!

(SPACKLER! GET IN MY MOTHERFUCK-ING OFFICE, NOW!!! Music Ed.)

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BookBookss ColumnColumn

The Cobwebs of Carl Spackler’s MindBorn to Rock

23

LivLive We Wirireses

The eve of destruction was finally uponus when Metal Lords 3 Inches ofBlood made their triumphant return to

the “Isle of Infernal Despair”. Local savagesPariah kicked off the show with a shredfest ofmetal and carnage. This is the third time I’veseen Pariah and each time they’ve had a dif-ferent singer. The new vocalist was cool, butI tripped out because he’s a dead ringer forthe lead singer of Korn. They’re tight as fuckand keep up an unrelenting pace. The Cloaktook the stage next and I was shocked at howfucking good these six maniacs were. Everymember had energy to burn and their mix ofscreamcore and metal had the place throwingpunches at the floor and spin kicks to thehead. The Cloak boasts dual vocals andmembers of the hardcore set Tough as Nails.I really liked their song “Night Terrors asFailed Attempts at Astral Projection”. Thiswas 3 Inches of Blood’s first live show sincerecording their new album Advance &

Vanquish for Roadrunner Records. Aftercountless rumours, the new line-up wasrevealed. New drummer Matt Wood, fromGoatsblood and Tacoma native BrianRedman on bass filled the rhythm sectionvoid effortlessly. Local hero Cam Pipesopened the set with the now classic “Destroythe Orcs” and the crowd went fucking insane.They played mostly new songs and they allfucking ripped, especially “Dismember theInnocent”, “Deadly Sinners” and “Revenge isa Vulture”. One of the singers, who shallremain nameless, was a little wasted to saythe least and ended up destroying not only theorcs but a couple microphones as well.Needless to say, the entire planet is anxiouslyawaiting the new album, which is sure to alterthe history of Heavy Metal forever. PraiseHail Satan!!!

-Ira “Hellborn” Hunter

At first, I was going to write thisreview the way the cats down at ViceMagazine might, but then I remem-

bered it was only The Nerve and said, “fuckit”. You get the bare bones, fuckers, THEBARE BONES!

Jak-Uzi were up first with their chugging,old school sound and gruff vocals. Good set.Hey, it works for me.

Excessives: Fast, tight, and very hard-hit-ting punk rock. Great drummer. The dudes atVice would probably say they were “off thahook”, but since I’m using that expression, itmust be dated. Instead, I’ll just say that TheExcessives “went like a wombat”. A meanmotherfucking wombat, dig. But I’m not sureabout the Van Halen cover, and what’s withthe vests? Ha ha, just kidding….

What can I say about S.T.R.E.E.T.S?These guys are the aural equivalent of TNT ina suitcase. Their prime directive seems to besqueezing the maximum number of notes intothe shortest possible time. My head was

blown clean off, but I later found it, coveredwith cigarette burns, on the floor of the smok-ing room. Whew!

Agent Orange hit the stage looking likethey’d spent the afternoon sitting around inthe Amsterdam Café smoking blunts (andthey had been). It was only then that I remem-bered that I’d seen this lineup four years agoat the Columbia or somewhere, and that theonly original member was the drummer!Since for me Agent Orange was all aboutMike Palm’s nasally voice and that Dick Dalesurf-punk sound, the new line-up, which failsto capture either of these elements, doesn’twork at all. Everyone seemed to be having agreat time, but I just found myself fumingabout how these guys have toured the countryfor years, making money from songs theydidn’t even write. Too bad most of this crowdwas too young to have seen the real AgentOrange back in ’84.

Did I mention The Excessives?-Chris Walters

Sadly, I had already missed PinkMountaintops. They released a greatCD last month. They have a feel for

what I like to call: “sex”. It might have goneover some heads tonight. I challengedmyself to not hate Frog Eyes. I should havechallenged myself to not MISS Frog Eyesbecause I didn’t see them either. This leavesus with Destroyer for whom Frog Eyes pro-vided excellent accompaniment. The lasttime I had my patience tested by Destroyer,it was during the Thief era when Vancouver’smost strenuously hip musicians were liningup to get their names in the yearbook. Whata depressing display that was – a bunch offine players having gotten too strong a snortoff Danger Dan Bejar’s practiced ennui. Thatperformance was so careless and pissy that itamounted to nothing short of a big fuck-youto all of us. Not that I care, but what of thosepoor girls in their dime store hairshirts andskinny white arms, or their gimlet-browed,sexless, list-keeping boy “friends” with theirpleading eyes? You’re putting one over on

them, Dan! That’s mean! They’re lookingfor answers and you’re feeding ‘em dogger-el (always in the same wearying meter, Imight add). And then to climb on stage andact as if it’s an inconvenience – that’s justbad manners! How many cheeks are wemeant to turn? It’s fascism! So, in conclu-sion, if you dig those somewhat horny sev-enties movies about the sexual decadence ofthe Nazi Party, movies like Salon Kitty orThe Night Porter, then Destroyer may takeon a whole new fascination for you. If not, Isuggest that you lie back and think ofMontreal. My guess: liquor sales were downtonight. Zero babies were conceived. On apositive note, I found a line that I couldadmire: “Warm yourself by the fiery stage/Fiery ‘cause I lit it! Ahh!”

That’s a good one. Cue “were weat different shows?”-style letters of com-plaint.

-Mack

It wasn’t until the next day when I tried toexplain just what I’d seen to a friend.“There was a puppet show about talking

cave formations and then this guy played thisLIGHT TURNTABLE DRUM THING!” Isounded like I’d joined a cult.

I didn’t even try explaining CannedHamm. On stage they remind me of a pair ofdrunken, inappropriate uncles you may alsohave had as a kid – the ones that get sloshedand sing torch songs very loudly and a littlebit off-key while jumping around a lot andknocking over your aunt’s coffee table. Thesame ones that tend to remove their clothingor wear lampshades. Yeah, well that’s a lotwhat a Canned Hamm show is like, but nowyou’re old enough to drink. You’d think thatthat this would be the kind of thing you’dneed extensive therapy to overcome, but it’sgenius. Canned Hamm is a comforting pla-tonic hug from a large, sweaty fat man.Literally.

Then we have Mr. Quintron and Miss

Pussycat. Miss Pussycat opened with a pup-pet show about those talking cave formationsand an underground rave/Mardi Gras. Yes, apuppet show. It was excellent and the crowdate it up. After this, Miss Pussycat came outfrom behind the puppet stage to shake hermaracas and sing backup for Mr. Quintron’smusical set.

There’s really nothing I can compare thesound to that will do it any justice. Therewere a couple keyboards, an assortment offoot pedals and other switches, and the DrumBuddy. The Drum Buddy is Quintron’s veryown colour-coded analog synth that worksfrom light. A turntable, a light, and a bunchof colour-coded knobs. The man’s hands areeverywhere, and he has an amazing look ofconcentration on his face. Maybe I did joina cult; the whole show was a religious expe-rience.

-Richard Murray

Ihad a dream. Not quite a nightmare, butscary nonetheless. It took place in a nottoo distant Logan’s Run-esque future.

Things were a little fuzzy but I’m pretty sureI saw Buck Rogers and Twiggy (“…beedy,beedy, beedy..”) tag-teaming a young JaneFonda. Jane Fonda, that two-timing, anti-American, communist dyke. Maybe she wasthe one responsible for the real version of thefuture that I experienced at Dick’s that night.Six-dollar beers, seven-dollar highballs,uncomfortable smoking facilities andGestapo-like security. That was until TransAm showed up to share their harsh toke of

the future. Looking more than a little hag-gard, the dudes wasted no time in turning anatmosphere thick with pussy into an all outfreak-fuck fest! Phone numbers wereexchanged and imported chocolate bars werepassed around like so much homemade wineto a sweet and sweaty set derived mostlyfrom Liberation, their latest release, as wellas their now classic Futureworld. I screamedout “Balbados” (who wouldn’t? – Music Ed.)and I got exactly that - balls. In a tropicaltennis short-y surrounding, mind you.

-8 Ball

3 Inches of Blood, The Cloak, Pariah@ Logan’s Pub, Victoria, B.C.Thursday, June 24th, 2004

Agent Orange, S.T.R.E.E.T.S, Excessives, Jak-Uzi@ The Brickyard, Vancouver, B.C.Sunday, June 20th, 2004

Destroyer, Frog Eyes, Pink Mountaintops@ Richard’s on Richards, Vancouver, B.C.Saturday, June 5th, 2004

Mr. Quintron & Miss Pussycat, Canned Hamm,Vancougar@ The Brickyard, Vancouver B.C.Saturday, June 12th, 2004

Trans Am@ Richards On Richards, Vancouver B.C.Tuesday, June 1st, 2004

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son

The Sun Also Rises

Now that they’ve been open for all ofabout 5 months, Logan and Nick from434 Skate Shop (434 Homer) have

started to drink. The skate industry will do thatto people. Because they want company, they’veinvented the inaugural Skate!Drink!Destroy!night Wed, June 30 at Pub 340 (340 CambieStreet downtown). They’ll be there, nursingtheir $2.50 pints, watching skate videos withbloodshot eyes, and listening to sets from DJPhat Pat, One-Eyed Jacks, Sulturro, and theBadamps. Don’t let them drink alone; it’s yourcivic duty to co-depend with these guys. Theyplan to have a Skate Night every Wednesday,and if ya bring yer video footy and people likeit, you could walk home with rad product fromsponsors like Felon Skates, Landyachts,Rednek, Sector 9, Cypher Skateboards, orcoastlongboarding.com. Phone the 434 shop at604.683.4349 or 604.209.9387 for moredetails.

Speaking of new downtown skate shops,watch out for the new Underworld shop in theformer Pharsyde space on Granville Street.Underworld has been around in Montreal sincethe mid-90’s, and owner Alex is teaming upwith Sk8itup’s Kevin Kelly to make it happenhere.

Arrrrgh! If ye went out to the last conces-

sion stand at Spanish Banks at noon on June18th and looked due north, matey, you’d see theskull and crossbones. She be not a pirate ship,ol’ salt, she be the Skull Skates Skim Jam. Sobring an eye patch and a parrot and watch outfor buried treasures. PD’s Hot Shop is at 2868W. 4th Avenue (604.739.7796) or haul themainsail for some computer piracy atwww.skullskates.com.

But what’s that to port, or is that starboard?It’s those damned Black Russians!!BLKRSN.com is Black Russian skateboards,and includes subversives Josh Evin, RobSigaty, Jesse Stockwood, Ben Demoskoff,Quinn Starr, Mike Stewart and Keegan Sauder.If yer eye is more on the lasses, www.theside-project.com/pages/1/index will get ye newsabout the girls’ skate scene.

Summer’s here, and that means the BowlSeries. In keeping with skate tradition, thechaos starts on Thurs, July 1 at Seylynn, thenmoves to Griffin on Sunday July 11, WhiteRock on Sunday July 25, and then to Whistleron Sunday, August 8. The Extra! Special!Super! Hastings bowl comp date is yet to beannounced, so keep your eyes peeled even if ithurts a lot. Also keep an eye out for last year’schamp Johnny B. Two peeled eyes, and onekept out? Sounds like ye’ll be needin’ that eye-

patch, ol’ salt. Arrrrgh!Volcom sponsored a jam at the Tsawwassen

park on Saturday, July 26th. It was pretty casu-al, with skaters given 15 minutes to do a besttrick on an obstacle. Andrew from Replay tellsus local skaters like Dima and Paul werebustin’ out, and some walked away with bootyfor their efforts.

Finally, Side 67 will be showcasing theirblenderized mix of harmonies and raw punkaesthetics on the Volcom stage of the Warped

tour July 13th in Vancouver, July 15th inCalgary, August 13th in Montreal, and August14th in Toronto. Hard work and dedication payoff. You can see them live in action Friday, July9th at Pub 340 with Sacramento’s AnotherDamn Disappointment and The Rebel Spell,and July 14th in Banff also with A.D.D. Theirnew ep Punktuality is out now, so search andenjoy.

-D-Rock and Miss Kim. email us down-space@telus.net.

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SkSk atatee

Skate Spot

Search and Destroy

SideSixtySeven rippin’ it at the West Beach party April 29th

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“What did the killer look like as you watchedhim slit that person’s throat?”“Well, he was all dressed in black, was wear-ing mask or a hood, had black gloves on, had astrange limp, and was very silent.”

The real draw to most slasher and horrorfilms is the look and/or aesthetic of thekiller. The cheaper, or B grade of the noir

series’ always seemed to boast some greatempty mansion atmosphere coupled with hood-ed figures that lurked around and set up themurder scenes via the painting on the wall’seyes or the classic hooded man with a knife.The Phantom films of the early 20th century setup an amazingly dark aesthetic with an almostcartoon or comic-like character that seemed toindulge the fantastical elements of the streetkiller a la Jack the Ripper (the seminal figure)with the ongoing shots of the cloaked murder-er flowing through the streets ready to snap upa victim. THE SHADOW (1933), THE TER-ROR (1938), THE THIRTEENTH GUEST(1932), THE PHANTOM (1931), A SCREAMIN THE NIGHT (1935), and THE PHANTOMOF 42nd STREET (1945) to name a few, allhave the serial film style murder mysteryatmosphere that’s almost always coupled withan Edgar Wallace or E.W. type storyline. Theslasher films of the golden age of contempo-rary horror have featured some of the darkestand most mysterious figures of the genre andall its seemingly exploitive cheapness/validscares. Some of my favourite standouts strong-ly driven by the early eras of the creative“phantom” films are:

THE PROWLER (1981 Dir: Joseph Zito)Features a great design for the killer as it’s basi-cally just an army soldier get up but the col-lar/jacket and the helmet are utilised so thatthey meet and form a closed off face that comesoff like a mask or a hood. The darkenedcolours of the suit also match the new feelderived by the closed off and masked face mak-ing the army fatigues parallel as a Jack theRipper type campus stalker. MY BLOODY VALENTINE (1981 Dir:George Mihalka)This film also fucking rules in its play to makea seemingly ordinary working outfit turn to amurderous face hiding slash uniform. Thistime it’s a pissed off miner who uses the toolsof the underground trade to pull off a simplebut effective suit that makes use of a hard hat,gas/ventilation mask, and the important hardhat light that ultimately plays an important rolein fucking with the viewer as the light

approaches through the tunnels. Fuckingunderrated film. PIECES (1983 Dir: Juan Piquer Simon)This great classic phantom approach has got tobe one of the best aesthetics for this fuckingclassic and brutal sleaze murder celluloid spoolas the outfit worn by the killer is an ode to thegiallo (Italian thriller) era a decade before, butstill manages to achieve the brash and harshcheap piss-your-pants savagery of the slashertimeline.THE EMBALMER (1966 Dir: Dino Tavella)This film could fall into the classic B/W cate-gory, but it laid way too much importance onthe close future giallo genre and managed tohave a skeletal masked figure lurking throughthe streets and catacombs searching for femalesto kill. Basically another rendition of the greatskeleton faced criminal mastermind in the seri-al THE CRIMSON GHOST (1946).

Here’s an incomplete list of the plethora ofmy favourite Italian giallo films from theSeventies that all make use of the dressed inblack with black gloves, sometimes with orwithout a black fedora, but always the glovesand even a choice hood, balaclava or nyloncover. This was a fucking defining genre thatused some heavy tools of the trade to define adecade of Euro-style slasher films. And yes, Igot my hands on a lot of these just to encom-pass the black-gloved aesthetic of these sleazymurder masterpieces:CASE OF THE SCORPION’S TAIL (1971Dir. Sergio Martino) Great black wetsuit usedfor the outfit, CRIMES OF THE BLACK CAT,THE (1972 Dir. Sergio Pastore) DEATH CAR-RIES A CANE (1972 Dir. Maurizio Pradeaux),DEATH STEPS IN THE DARK (1977 Dir.Maurizio Pradeaux), DEATH WALKS INHIGH HEELS (1971 Dir. Luciano Ercoli),ENIGMA ROSSO (1978 Dir. Alberto Negrin),FIVE WOMEN FOR THE KILLER (1974 Dir.Stelvio Massi), GENTLY BEFORE SHE DIES(1972 Dir. Sergio Martino), MY DEARKILLER (1972 Dir. Tonino Valerii) greatgloves on a clothesline psych out, PARIS SEXMURDERS (1973 Dir. Ferdinando Merighi),PLAY MOTEL (1979 Dir. Mario Gariazzo)black gloved killer in the whore house,POLIZIA BRANCOLA NEL BUIO, LA (1975Dir. Helia Colombo) SLAUGHTER HOTEL(1971 Dir. Fernando Di Leo) added cape, SOSWEET, SO DEAD (1972 Dir. RobertoBianchi Montero) the most perfect overallexample of the defined giallo genre and its sta-ples, STRANGE VICE OF SIGNORAWARDH, THE (1970 Dir. Sergio Martino),STRIP NUDE FOR YOUR KILLER (1975Dir. Andrea Bianchi), TORSO (1973 Dir.Sergio Martino), VICE WEARS BLACKHOSE (1975 Dir. Tano Cimarosa), WAILING,THE (1980 Dir. Riccardo Freda), WHATHAVE THEY DONE TO OUR DAUGH-TERS? (1974 Dir. Massimo Dallamano),WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO SOLANGE?(1972 Dir. Massimo Dallamano), WHO’S THEKILLER? (1974 Dir. Mario Moroni). Stay out of the dark corners and carry your ownknife – although you probably won’t look asgood as the person cutting you up.

Gore The Bloody Roadto DeathIS THAT A KNIFE YOU’RE WEARING?

By Sinister Sam

AinswAinsworortthhFFilmilm

Jugs of Praise Part one: Creationand manufacturing of the Jug ofPraise and also a discussion of theProper Visual Description of theGospels.

As Julio Egglesias oncesaid in song, “I travel inand out many doors.” The

Bible is a lot like Julio Egglesiasin that way, by which I mean thatto read the bible is to opendoors… in the mind. Also, tocarry it around in the ass pocket,that’s a good thing. He nevermissed a chance to witness forsome soul, just some scummer onthe street with two dicks in hismouth. Julio Egglesias, you cansay what you want about him, onething’s for sure: The Bible is acompendium of ancient folklore.

What that Spanish bastardJulio Egglesias, who I suspectWITHOUT ANY EVIDENCE ATALL as being an all action so-called Bisexualaction fan, did not in fact infer in his classicduet with rock icon Willie Eggson was thatthe proper medium for depiction of the eventsand tribulations of the life of Jesus Christ wasvisual. If some asshole starts singing a songabout Jesus, just whale off and punch him inthe tits. It is Not Holy and It is NOT Bible todepict Christ in song because when a note isfinished in the ear, it dies. Yet Christ saidquite clearly in the Bible that there is an eter-nity. So because music does not last in the earforever, it is a sinner’s art. Unclean. And itshould be cast down. Because painting, draw-ings, and sculptures in the round are everlast-ing being made of inviolable materials madefrom the rib of Adam, then it is only in thevisual arts, ipso facto, that an ART of Praisecan be contextualized. Have you ever beensucking off a stranger and the next thing youknow you got all this goop in your eye? I betit stings! That’s like what Religious art shouldbe like. Stingy.

Am I saying, “Guy, go off and make amacaroni picture of Moses and then spraypaint it gold like a kindergartener??” No. Iam in fact not saying do this, or a nude mac-aroni portrait of Jesus, or Enoch, or a Jesuspainted on an egg, or a nude egg Gorbachev,or Adam and Eve in the Garden, made ofeggs, or Adam and an Egg in the garden, orEggs on the Cross, and Egg with Eve, nude,in the Garden of Gethsemane, or a LastSupper with twelve eggs and a bronzed cel-ery, or Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden

portrayed as two nude eggs with a snake, anude snake. Or a nude Gorbachev, Adam,Eve, the Snake, Jesus and some other guyspainted in Eggs in the Garden of Eve. I am notsaying to do this because there is no PRAISEin these artworks. Works of PRAISE, people.Works of praise. Jesus as a macaroni caterpil-lar. Fuck off.

Second thoughts about music. Whilemusic is still six inches deep in sin and spermit CAN BE MADE WHOLE AGAINTHROUGH DECORATAIVE WHIMSICALCRAFTSMANSHIP, or AM I JUST BEINGWRONG????

No. I drank a huge cunt of a bottle of real-ly good Carlo Rossi wine. A huge, huge bitchof a bottle. God, it was wonderful. But the funhad just begun.

My good friend Carl, (604-720-7632 askfor Carl, Jody or Elmira), past master with thespittoon, agreed to paint my jug. He painted itto PRAISE GOD AND TO PRAISE JESUSSON OF GOD AND A MAN. He paintedHam Contemplating the Nudity of NoahContrary to God’s Clear Directions. From thebook of Geronimo. You will agree with me. Itis a beautiful piece. And the sound? Perfectpitch, man, perfect pitch. The jug was laterpurchased off me by Marilyn Monsoon’s jugplayer, who said playing it was… “like beingup to my nuts in God’s guts and/or Jesus’sesGuts”

I could not say it better than that. Thanksfor reading.

By J. Ainsworth, a Pastier.

Squirting. Female Ejaculation. As late as1980, the medical community did notbelieve it was possible. Most confuse it

with urination. Now, peeing during sex has itsown delights, and one need only pick up a copyof Hustler to see that a woman urinating hasofficially entered mainstream porn as a turn on.Squirting, on the other hand, is far more diffi-cult to pull off unless the lady in question isseriously, genuinely aroused. Although thathasn’t stopped porn directors giving it a jollyold try.

But first, the technical explanation. Femaleejaculation is almost always caused by stimula-tion of the G-Spot. The liquid is either clear ormilky, and is usually quite odorless. The secre-tion comes out of the urethra, but in case youstill think this is pee, the scientists up nigh con-firm it is impossible to pee and orgasm simul-taneously. It can be sticky, in a sexy kind ofway (as opposed to a bubblegum-under-the-shoe kind of way), but does not provide furtherlubrication. It’s edible, far tastier than pee,although not something you’d want to bottle inJapan. When a woman ejaculates accidentallyfor the first time, she often gets embarrassedand assumes she has urinated, leaving a soggypartner and a small dry spot on the bed. Whena woman ejaculates with purpose and will, shescreams like a hyena giving birth to a goldenduck while simultaneously realizing the mean-ing of life and achieving self-actualization. Herpartner, male or female, gets further arousedand both proceed to work together to rid thesheet of that one remaining dry spot.

Porn companies have been quick to capital-ize on the effect of squirting on its viewers.However, unlike a screaming, hollering, oh-fuck-yes and entirely fake porn orgasm, squirt-ing is the real deal, and there are few pornqueens in the world capable of enjoying them-selves authentically for the glaring lights and

cameras. Furthermore, a budding directorwould need a secret, vaginal gland camera totruly capture the reality of a good squirt. As aresponsible reporter to my interested readers, Irented a few titles, and this is what I can report.

Real Female Orgasms (Elegant Angel): Theidea is that squirting raises the decibels of fakescreaming so we know that this time, she real-ly means it. I haven’t seen anyone holler likethat since my 83-year-old neighbour fell downthe stairs. Boy, that old lady screamed like shereally meant it! Anyway, stars Chloe and Teriseemed really into it, but this was all just a taddramatic to be meaningful.

Gush #3 (Knob Ryder): Wow, its fuckingNiagara Falls! Bring out the raincoat and letsgo paddy-whacking. There are eruptions offluid everywhere, and I could only bless thoseunderwater cameras for keeping me in theaction. Even with those physiologically impos-sible spurts, most likely the result of a careful-ly placed hose, enema or squirting device.Brings new meaning to “Give me your hose,big boy!” The reality is, if capturing a decentsquirt was so easy, you’d see it in porno every-where, not just a few specialty titles madespecifically for reporters researching articleslike this.

Naturally, I can’t believe everything I see orread, so case studies are in order. I spoke to acouple who we’ll call Jody and Jeremy (realnames used for maximum embarrassment) at arecent dinner party about the subject. Afterlearning their names, jobs, thoughts on theweather and political leanings, I jumpedstraight into female ejaculation. They wereboth shocked and left the table. A pity, becauseJody had great cans. My next happy couplethought that peeing in sex was nice but not for

them, and the third couple thought it was inap-propriate conversation for a funeral. Finally, Imet a couple who I’ll call Doug and Suzie, andeureka, Suzie was not afraid to reveal that shesquirts like a supersoaker in the hands of a 12year old. Re-reading that last line, I feel a littlequeasy, but we’ll move on. Their story wasfamiliar to me… a happy accident leads towilder, passionate and more meaningful sex forboth of them, and the purchase of several newsheets for the bed. “It’s not something I can doevery time,” confesses Suzie, “but when themood is right and Doug hits just the right spot,I’m not afraid to release the juices.” I knowwhat you’re thinking, so I asked her the ques-tion. No, she had never hit him in the eye.

Here is a step-by-step guide to the art of squirt-ing:1. Make sure you’re aware that squirting is not

peeing. This iscrucial.2. Stimulate G-Spot and clituntil femalesubject (you) isabout to blow,possibly feeling the need to pee. You are notgoing to pee. If you stop the flow, kiss thesquirt goodbye. Once you’re confident you’renot peeing, you’ll realize it’s a different, farmore arousing sensation. Just go with the flow.Squirt it baby! 3 Have towels handy, some women can squirtwell across the room.4. Just like multiple orgasms, women can havemultiple ejaculations – sometimes as many as 3to 5 before the juice dries up. Go for it! Be proud of yourself… and welcome to the restof your life.

The Exotic Time MachineStarring: Gabriella Hall,Joseph Daniels, Nikki Fritz,Tiffany Gonzales, BuckO’Brian, Everett J. Rodd, andTaylor St. Claire.Director: Felicia Sinclair

The opening of this filmreminded me of the sets onewould see on Red Dwarf. Forthose who like campy pornos,this one’s for you. Just likeRed Dwarf, this movie is set ina future where time travel ispossible. Not only does thisfilm fit into the science fictioncategory, it also fits into thescience friction category! The

Exotic Time Machine reeks of hilarity with its shitty dialog andbad acting. It was surprising to see Marie Antoinette (whoseface was kind of mannish) get it on with another woman beforediscovering time traveler Icon (Joseph Daniels) spying on her in

her room. There was only one thing for her to do —fuck him.The one criticism I have of this film is that it is not hardcoreenough. It has plenty of nudity, heavy petting, and erotic adven-tures, but I wouldn’t mind seeing some penetration. It remindedme of those adult films on late night local TV. Although it lacksthe hardcore scenes, this film has some pretty hot sex in it. ThatMarie Antoinette is one firecracker in the sac. This is a thor-oughly entertaining film and I recommend it.

Deep Inside Dirty Debutantes #10Starring: Ed Powers, Christina Clark, Diva, Anisa, Nadia, andJade East.Director: Ed Powers

After reviewing the time machine film, I really needed some-thing dirty. This film will surely fulfill your voyeuristic pleas-ures with an inquisitive Ed Powers behind the camera, inter-viewing the soon to be Dirty Debutantes. The first-person cam-era angle gives the viewer an intimate view inside the inter-viewing process. With all the makings of a home movie, thisfilm starts off kinda slow and for christ sakes, can only tell eachother that “Oooo, you are so pretty,” and “Oooo, your pussy’s sopretty” so much before you just need to get down and penetrate.

The first scene starts off with a girl masturbating and then twomore join in. But this has got to be the most boring threesome Ihave ever seen. These girls stimulate each other at a snail’s pace,and it seemed like there was just no end to this scene... just whenI thought it was over, they bust out the freakin’ toys. You canonly see muff munchin’ for so long before things need to bechanged up. But I spoke too soon. The next thing I see, the strap-

ons come out and, oh joy, oneof the lucky girls gets one upher pussy and one up her ass.The scene ends just the way itstarted, with more boringchitchat on the bed. Ed Powersfinally gets too horny watchingthem from behind the cameraand grabs some private one-on-one action. This film is toolong with not enough qualityfucking. Out of a scale fromone to ten, I would give it, like,a two.

-Max Crown

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Nerveland Smut Ranchph

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Go With the FlowBy Dr. Ezra Kohlic

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$10 Racing Everyday June to SeptemberClean Air Exhaust System13 Turn Road Course Reaching 60+ km/hHead to Head Racing W ith Up T o 12 DriversGroup Rates For Parties, Fun, and W ork

$10 Racing Everyday June to SeptemberClean Air Exhaust System13 Turn Road Course Reaching 60+ km/hHead to Head Racing W ith Up T o 12 DriversGroup Rates For Parties, Fun, and W ork

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Puzzle Page

Across1. Fido’s expletives5. Casio tone10. Tit14. Golf shot around thegreen15. Eagle auto16. Volvo driving 70’s popgroup17. Severe highway accident20. Consume21. Air Jordan’s e.g. 22. Issue a ticket23. Of earthquakes (abbr.)24. Auto safety feature25. Lucy in the Sky w/Diamonds28. Sports network29. “Don’t go chasin’ water-falls….”30. Dibasic Esters33. Honda subsidiary35. The hoosegow37. Old Italian currency38. Mercury make39. Updating LeprosyRegistrars40. Luxury Sedan maker41. Fraternal Order of _____42. Plains Indian43. Bring together44. Furious bass Claypool45. Male dog’s designation46. Graffiti name48. Lamprey kin49. Cunning50. 47D’s songwriter51. Open widely53. First name in erotica54. Fen57. Type of fender bender60. Surname of Canadiantortured in Syria61. Generator manufacturer62. Butter substitute63. Remove rinds64. Skirt’s cousin65. My favorite breathingdisease

Down1. Head malady2. Emu kin3. Fix It Again Tony4. Wiggum’s outfit5. Dope-ass sk8 shoes6. Possible result of 17 or56A7. Lotion additives8. Mexi-beers9. Farley & Hartman’s oldshow10. Foundation11. Write-up for a corpse12. Clarinet cousin13. Ray-_____ sunglasses18. Satellite system for autos19. BC insurance agency24. Descendents’ descen-dants25. Blazer feature26. HighWEIGHfeature27. Cunardos29. Forensic evi-dence of an acci-dent30. Type of Jazzor a Di’anno31. Et tu _____!32. Artist’s stand34. Dorm, e.g.36. India Pale, oramber

37. Dr. Frankenstone on theFlintstones40. Dracula portrayer42. Demure45. Cordon ______47. ________ restaurant49. Type of tire50. I’ve got _______ up mysleeve!51. Whitey (Punjabi)52. A great distance (away)53. Type of jet54. First name of 40 D55. Lone time56. Type of autos57. Small sleep58. Ford model59. Computer acronym

Last Issue’s Solution:

Crossword-by Dan Scum

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