Al Gansee: The Shot Heard 'Round Cambria

8/14/2019 Al Gansee: The Shot Heard 'Round Cambria

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THE SHOT HEARD 'ROUND CAMBRIA:A Lighthearted Drama in Two Acts

Script Created byBen DeGrow

Based on the unpublished manuscript ofPassion and Purpose: The Rise and Fall of Al Gansee

Synopsis: In the early 1960s, a tiny Midwestern farm community has been transformedinto a Marxist workers' paradise upon the return of a charismatic native son and hisRussian KGB companion. Now leading a Socialist Union that bears his name, ChiefComrade Al Gansee confronts the desire for territorial expansion and transmission of

his ideals. Gansee, his wife Mary Beth, his KGB left-hand man, a 10-year-old Amishpyromaniac girl and the rest of the eccentric band of modern-day utopians march off tothe Battle of Cambria and an infamous gunshot that promises to transform the lives ofits participants and the once sleepy community for years to come.

(This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual persons living or dead is mostly coincidental.)

Copyright 2009All Rights Reserved by the Author

Do Not Copy, Quote, or Distribute without the Author's Express Written Permission


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DRAMATIS PERSONAE (in order of appearance)

JOHN DAVIDSON, tall and lean man of 60, Socialist Unions Minister of External Affairs

DR. NORMA FLANDERS, Minister of Health most noted for her spontaneously bleeding gums

BOB BROWN (aka Boris Bronovsky), rotund Russian-born KGB agent, Als left-hand man

AL GANSEE, the tall, charismatic, and eccentric Chief Comrade of the Socialist Union; a

native son returning to southern Michigan to imprint his deeply nave Communist ideals

MARY BETH GANSEE,Als charming but alcoholic wife, cousin, and Minister of Justice

HIRAM WILCOX, middle-aged, staid high school principal turned Minister of Education

BENJAMIN DOC GIMBO, long-time apatheticproprietor of the Cambria General Store

MAUREEN FRICKARD, 98-year-old Cambria denizen fond of tobacco, pinochle, and shotguns

BOB ONE-ARMED GANSEE,Als father, a crusty but crafty World War One veteran

YOUNG AL GANSEE, age 9

JOSEPH and JIMBOB GANSEE,Al and Mary Beths twin terror sons, age 8

AMOS SCHLAFF,stout and serious Socialist Union resident, Amish farmer and father of five

REBEKAH SCHLAFF,Amos' spunky 10-year-old daughter and newfound pyromaniac

EZEKIEL WILSON,stoic patriarch of the local Amish community

FRED CAMPBELL, dim-witted day laborer turned spy of dubious Socialist Union loyalties

REV. ROY ALLEN, Cambrias portly and greasy mayor, also pastor of the local Baptist church

OLD MAN JOHNSTON, Cambria's loyal former sheriff, blind since 1947 cropdusting incident

CHIEF B HUNTER,fashionably cross-dressing FBI Chicago bureau chief

FOUR FBI G-MEN

EMMALOU and VELMA NORTHCUTT, Cambrias 60-something resident town spinsters

SOLDIERS in ALGANSEE REVOLUTIONARY GUARD

TWO PRISON GUARDS


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ACT I

Scene 1: Afternoon, Monday, December 4, 1961. The converted former Southland Springs

town council chambers. The Algansee Socialist Council meets in the musty room with tiny

cracks in the stucco walls, sparsely covered by patches of paisley wallpaper. The room is

adorned with secondhand Soviet memorabilia and insignia, including a slightly tattered flag

standing in the corner that looks like a cheaply sewn replica of the Soviet banner with the nameALGANSEE carelessly embroidered in gold thread. Central to the space are photographic

portraits of Lenin, Stalin, and the Chief Comrade Al Gansee. Seven office chairs of varyingsturdiness and aesthetic value surround a well-constructed, finely-polished oak table.

Enter JOHN DAVIDSON, an old leather briefcase in one hand, a stack of books and papers inthe other. He pulls out a chair, lays down his load, then hesitates before anxiously turning to face

the audience.

JOHN: People out there dont seem to know much about what were up to. Sometimes I think

were living in our own little world. This is the Socialist Union of Algansee, you see. [Shakes his

head] Didnt think youd heard of us. Ive lived my whole life here. Now, this socialist unionthing, thats a new business. And its the best thing thats ever happened to this place.

What is this place, you say? Our own little corner of southern Michigan, mainly farm country.

We used to call it Southland Springs. But not anymore. We named it after the man who set us

free from our oppressors, from the ruling class of arrogant capitalists, like Mayor Lindeman and

his cronies who ran the Causland Lumber Mill.

His name is Al Gansee. I knew his father Bob, rest his soul. Al grew up here with my boys. He

left our town for nearly 15 years but came back to liberate us.

[Pauses soberly] It hasnt even been a whole year since the Chief Comrade returned and brought

light into our dingy lives. But what a year its been. And its only going to get better, as he haspromised us. It mustget better. Sometimes I just know were going to live forever!

[His head bows] Sometimes I wonder if anyone will remember us. Okay, I wonder a lot. Maybethat's why he made me the Minister of External Affairs, you see. The Chief Comrade created the

whole department for me. What a tremendous honor, yet what a crushing load of responsibility,

too.

If they like my plan ifhe likes my plan well, he mustlike it. Its the bold stroke we need.

Now, what would he say? [Recalling] Spread the glories of socialism so our neighbors can

breathe in the fresh, pure air of equality and brotherhood. [Looking directly at audience]Inspirational.

[Pause] What? You dont believe me. You have to hear him for yourself.

JOHN hurriedly takes his seat as DR. NORMA FLANDERS and BOB BROWN enter.


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NORMA: [Giggling boisterously] Bob, you cad . [Noticing JOHN, her demeanor quiets]

Oh, John, er, Comrade Davidson. I didnt realize anyone else was here yet.

JOHN: The meeting is scheduled to begin in less than five minutes. [Remembering himself, he

acknowledges his colleagues formally] Comrade Brown, Comrade Flanders.

BOB: Comrade Davidson. Were looking forward to hearing more about your plan.

JOHN: [With uncertainty] Arent we all?

NORMA: You are still planning to come into the office for your physical this week, arent you,

Comrade John? Youve been under a lot of stress lately.

JOHN: [Snapping back] Oh, go get yourself a piece of floss!

[In an instant, all three snap to attention as AL GANSEE glides briskly and regally into the

room, followed closely by his wife MARY BETH GANSEE and a pandering HIRAM WILCOX.AL GANSEE wears a makeshift olive drab military coat with assorted emblems and decorations]

BOB: Hail, Chief Comrade! All hail, Al Gansee!

[AL GANSEE gestures for everyone to be seated. JOHN, NORMA, BOB, and HIRAM head to

their assigned seats. When AL pushes his chair away from the table, his wife MARY BETH sits in

his lap. Its apparent she is a little bit drunk and lacking in decorum.]

AL: Enough, Comrade Hiram. Dont bother me with your petty request for more pencils.[Gestures at BOB BROWN] Talk to our Comrade Treasurer about the matter.

HIRAM: Thank you, Chief Comrade. [Turns to talk to BOB]

AL: Later! We have important things to discuss tonight. [Pauses] Mary Beth, my dear, why dont

you lead us in the opening ceremonies?

MARY BETH: [Hopping off her husbands lap, she loses her balance and nearly falls over,steadied only by the Chief Comrades right arm] Whoa! Okay, everybody, you know how it

goes. [All turn to face the flag and put their left hands over their hearts. As MARY BETH leads

and AL stands square-shouldered and silent, everyone else recites along] I pledge my absolute

fidelity to the Socialist Union of Algansee and to the glorious ideals of equality and brotherhood

for which it stands: one community with hands clasped tightly together, marching into the futurewith heads held high, and devotion to the state for all. [Hiccups] Okay, hit it, Comrade Hiram!

[HIRAM WILCOXpulls a pitch pipe from his shirt pocket and quietly but deliberately blows anote. MARY BETH begins leading the entire group, including AL, in the official song of the

Socialist Union, to the tune of Yakety-Yak. MARY BETH slurs some of the words in the

lounge-singing style, while others struggle to keep the tempo so slow. AL does a few, randomLindy swing dance steps while he sings along.]


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Since blissful future has begun

Right here in nineteen sixty-one,

We praise the man who made us free,Yakety YakAl Gansee!

Love and joy and peace are all niceIn our great workers paradise!

Experience pure equality,

Yakety YakAl Gansee!

Take out the slimy, pigdog trash

And join our utopian bash!

Come sing along with me,Yakety YakAl Gansee!

[At the last note of the song, the mood quickly turns sober.]

AL: Perfect, simply perfect. That was great, Mary Beth. Lets skip the rest of the ceremony. We

cant do any better than that. [Everyone is seated, except the Chief Comrade. MARY BETH this

time takes her seat at ALs right hand.] Let's dispense with the old business first. What do we

have on the plate, Comrade Brown?

BOB: Let me see. [Takes a moment to scan the document and cipher to himself] I see elevenitems on here ...

AL: Anything truly important?

BOB: [Pauses momentarily] Some of our comrades are still moaning about the maintenance, er,

issues with the North People's Common Barn. Apparently, the leaks in the roof have grown, well,much worse.

HIRAM: Besides the rapscallion teens sneaking off to find a place to make out, does anyoneactually use that barn?

NORMA: What? It has no educational value?

HIRAM: Only if we're going to indoctrinate the youth in the value of shoddy workmanship!

NORMA: Hey, my Pop helped build that barn back... [Her voice trails off]

JOHN: Back in the dark ages of bourgeois capitalist greed?

AL: [Ignores the bickering] Does the Socialist Union not have resources to make these repairs?

Tell me what needs to be done, Comrade Brown.


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BOB: Well, unfortunately, there has been some shortage in expected revenues from the Glorious

Facility Equalization Levy.

JOHN: A shortage, how much?

BOB: About 150 Gansee bucks.

AL: A hundred fifty? Could it be that some of our fellow comrades have deserted their sacred

duty of taxation? Could it be that someone doesn't see how the Levy benefits us all?

JOHN: [Gasps] Heresy.

BOB: Perhaps my math skills have been wanting.

AL: With or without the levy funds, where are the volunteers on behalf of our glorious ideals of

equality and brotherhood to do the necessary repairs?

BOB: I'm hoping that maybe some of our Amish friends might chip in to make repairs Thursday

after next if the weather holds, that is.

AL: Well, all right then. Enough old business. Comrades, theres serious business afoot tonight.

Serious business. Lets dive into our report from the Department of External Affairs. Comrade

John, your report. [AL sits, as JOHN stands.]

JOHN: Thank you, Chief Comrade. [Bows his head momentarily to collect his thoughts and his

nerve] I am very troubled. I am troubled that our humble community is suffering from itsdiminutive size. We need to expand, Chief Comrade. We must expand! [Everyone at the table

except HIRAM nods blandly and impatiently.]

HIRAM: It, uh, it's too risky. [Responding to angry looks] I must protest. It is too risky, my

Comrades.

AL: [Rises decisively to his feet, leans over the table as his stare penetrates a cowed HIRAM.

Meanwhile, JOHN quietly takes his seat.] Indecision is indefensible. Expansion is necessary, or

we die! It troubles me as much as it troubles you, even more perhaps, that our brothers and

sisters around us lack the faith to accept what we have for what it is. Too many do. This is thereason why I created this post that Comrade John now fills. The people implore you. Your

conscience implores you. Your ideals implore you. Brothers and sisters,Iimplore you! Stand

firm, and we shall spread the truth throughout the Great Lakes Region! All hail Algansee!

BOB: All hail Algansee! [Chanting] Al Gan-see Al Gan-see [Everyone but the ChiefComrade himself joins in the growing chant of their leaders name. As the volume reaches its

peak, MARY BETH breaks down in tears of bittersweet joy. She reaches over and clings to her

husband by the neck, weeping on his shoulder. Before long, AL too breaks down and begins tocry. Overwhelmed by the sight as well as the guilt of his timid fears, HIRAM approaches the


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Chief Comrade, drops to his knees, and begins to kiss ALs dusty work boots. The chant dies outas BOB and NORMA embrace, and JOHN falls silent from a nearly exhausted voice.]

JOHN: My plan, everyone?

AL: Yes, of course. Yes. Serious business, my comrades. To our seats. [It takes a moment foreveryone to collect themselves and return to their seats.] Shareyour plan with us, Comrade John.

JOHN: The fundamental question before us, comrades, is peaceful transmission or martialinvasion. Will the revolution be spread through discussions and diplomacy, or through the use of

force? I think you will see, once you hear the outline of my plan, that the obvious course is

invasion. But invasion disguised as a mission of peace will make our work even more effective.

If we disguise everyone in the entire socialist union as Hare Krishna priests [reaching into his

stack of papers, he holds up a magazine illustration], like these here. You see, and well all carry

flowers of some sort, and

NORMA: Ooh, daisies! I love daisies.

MARY BETH: Me, too.

JOHN: Yes, yes. If we all carry daisies petunias, poppies, whatever our victims I mean, our

future Marxist disciples wherever were doing this, those people, they will be lulled into a false

sense of capitalist security. Its then, at that precise moment.

BOB: Which precise moment is this again?

JOHN: [Getting flustered] Well know it when we see it. Dont forget, this is just an outline

sketch of the plan. The detailed master plan awaits your approval of the, of the concept.

BOB: Okay, I see.

JOHN: Well brandish the weapons hiding in our flowing Hare Krishna robes. Well subdue thewhole town, whichever town it is, before they know what to do. [HIRAMs obviously skeptical

body language interrupts his change of thought] Of course, militarism is only a means to the end.

It will compel them to see the light of Marxism, from which once they have tasted, they will

need not be forced to hold on to.

AL: They will breathe in the pure, fresh air of equality and brotherhood.

BOB: Most wisely stated, Chief Comrade. But Im not sure about Comrade Davidsons proposal.

I mean, I have nothing against an invasion, but, but. Flowers? Robes? Is this to be taken

seriously?

JOHN: [Brandishing a stack of typed pages] I spent weeks coming up with this plan. You have

only heard a sketch outline!


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AL: [Maintaining a calm, but passionate, demeanor] The other details, Comrade John, we can

squabble about them later. Now we must decide where we will attack, and let that determine our

tactics more precisely. [As JOHN bows his head in shame, AL rises to his feet, approaches him,

and gives him a gentle and fatherly pat on the shoulder] A good effort, Comrade John. I know

your heart is in the plan.

BOB: How about Montgomery?

AL: [With somber hesitation] Their vast library stores great knowledge. I fear theMontgomerians.

NORMA: What about Kinderhook? [BOB, HIRAM, and MARY BETH nod affirmatively]

AL: [Sternly] You have got to be kidding, Comrade Norma. They are led by the powerful sheriff,

Andrew Zimmerman. And, please, for the love of Lenin, find a piece of floss! [Under thewilting gaze of her Chief Comrade, NORMA runs out of the room in embarrassment]

MARY BETH: [A little tipsy] What do you think of taking over Reading?

AL: The thought of conquering the tavern with its tasty hamburgers and cheese nuggets would

make me happy, but I fear they are too strong for us right now.

JOHN: [As an idea comes to his mind, a smile quickly paints itself across his face] I've got it.Cambria! Just think about it. Cambria. They could share in our unity and brotherhood

BOB: Are you kidding, Comrade John? The Cambrians could be our slaves!

AL: [Laughing arrogantly] This is the best idea I have heard all day. Draft the general order,

Comrade John. [To BOB] My faithful left-hand man, will you assist him? [Taking his seat] If ourplan is to succeed, we must conclude the peaceful transmission [using air quotes] before the

snows of winter melt and our farmers return to the agrarian bliss of our fields. Because of the

sterner character it builds in the souls and backs of our salt-of-the-earth comrades, the cold ofwinter is the best time to move forward in constructing the socialist order.

JOHN: Thank you, my Chief Comrade, for all you have done for us.

MARY BETH: [Cuddling up to her husband] Hes the best, aint he?

AL: [Stoically] Our plans must remain top secret. We must not tip off our enemies. Even the foolCambrians, given enough time, can take advantage of the advance warning.

BOB: Certainly.

AL: [Gesturing defiantly] Cambria will soon be ours!!! [The lights dim on the council table, as aspotlight shines down on a contemplative AL.] Cambria . Fame and glory in Cambria .

Brutal memories of younger days .


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Gradually the spotlight dims.

EXEUNT.

Scene 2: Morning, Saturday, February 25, 1938. Interior, Cambria General Store. The humblewood-framed mercantile off Lilac Road is just starting to show signs of wear. The proprietor

BENJAMIN DOC GIMBO is a mustached man in his early 40s with more than one tooth

missing. A woman in her mid-70s, the WIDOW MAUREEN FRICKARD, is looking through thecloth samples.

Enter BOB ONE-ARMED GANSEE, a man nearing 40 without a left arm, and his only son

YOUNG AL, nearly 9 years old.

DOC: Find what yer lookin fer thar, Miz Frickard?

MAUREEN: [Stodgily] Dont see the latest in calicos.

DOC: We hant no new calicos since I done been here. Dont think the ladies is wearin em that

much no more. [MAUREEN sighs and harrumphs] Well, guess youd done know that better than

me.Not that I gets 'round to updatin' things much in that department, anyhow.

ONE-ARM: [Gruffly] Excuse me there, Doc.

DOC: Greetins to ya.

ONE-ARM: And to you. Mighty mild weather weve been having.

MAUREEN: [Without lifting her eyes from the cloth samples] Been round these parts a long

time, cant recall it being so warm in Febry. I done heard that some scientists are sayin' theworld is a heatin' up so fast, we're headin' for a [pauses to recollect the precise phraseology]

global calamity, that's what it is. We're doomed. I reckon it'll all be fire and brimstone before

long!

DOC: If ya say so, Miz Frickard. Could be. Is that somewhar' in the Good Book? Haven't read it

in awhile, ya' know.

YOUNG AL: [Tugging on his dads sleeve] Why is the pond frozen?

ONE-ARM: [Muttering under his breath] Probably something to do with hell freezing over. [To

DOC] Enough jabbering. I came here to propose a trade.

DOC: Is a-wondrin. Its been awhile since we done seen ya here.


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YOUNG AL: [Interjecting] Its been warm. How come the ponds still frozen?

DOC: [Chuckling] Just tis the way things be.

YOUNG AL: But why?

ONE-ARM: [Scolding] Leave him be, boy.

DOC: Dont worries me none, Mr. Gansee. [To YOUNG AL] Dont reckon I knows why, Albert.

YOUNG AL: Its Al. Just Al. You can call me Al.

ONE-ARM: [Slaps YOUNG AL hard on the bottom] Dont sass back, boy.

YOUNG AL: But my name aint Albert. Its Al. Thats what you and Mama

ONE-ARM: This isn't the time or place to desecrate the memory of your mother!

YOUNG AL: [Sincerely] Do I get a birthday this year?

ONE-ARM: No. Not this year and not next.

DOC: Aint no need to be so hard on the boy.

ONE-ARM: [Explains] Hes only ever had two birthdays.

DOC: Two birthdays? He done look like hes outta his short pants. An mighty tall for bein nary

past two.

ONE-ARM: Hes not two years old, Doc. He was born on February 29. Leap year. So his

birthdays only come around twice. But enough about that.

YOUNG AL: Im almost nine! [BOB ONE-ARMED GANSEE throws his son roughly to the

ground with his one good arm, just as the WIDOW FRICKARD, holding a box of shotgun shells,approaches the counter]

MAUREEN: No calicos today, Doc. Can you put this on my tab?

DOC: [Scrawling on a piece of paper] Sure shootin, Miz Frickard. One box of Winchester 20-gauge shells. Have a good day!

MAUREEN: Dont hurt yourself none, Doc.

DOC: [Hollering, as an afterthought] Watch out fer the fire and brimstone out there! [WIDOWFRICKARD exits.YOUNG AL thumbs through an old magazine intently, while BOB ONE-


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ARMED GANSEE twiddles his only thumb. DOC regains his earlier train of thought, bendingover to address YOUNG AL] The Cambria Pond, it just stays a-freezin longer than most.

ONE-ARM: Longer than most? Where else is a man gonna go ice fishing in May?

DOC: [Stands erect, fists on hips]Early May. Now ya know ya cant do that come MemorialDay, and some years tis all melted away in April . But anyways, what trade be ya' proposin?

ONE-ARM: Well, we need a new tractor over at the Gansee stead, and word came around thatyou had one for sale here at the General Store.

DOC: Its a bit used, belonged to old Sam Frickard before he passed on last fall. The widder

Frickard traded it in to pay off some debt she had. Yer welcome to look at it, Mr. Gansee.

ONE-ARM: Oh, I looked at it, Doc, I did. And I could be interested in it for the right price.

DOC: You could, huh? What ya got?

ONE-ARM: [Reaching into his pocket to pull out a piece of paper tied up with a fancy-looking

ribbon] Two things. First here is the deed to some property. Al, go on and get the other. [Pauses

after getting no response] Did you hear me, boy? Go on and get the other.

YOUNG AL hurriedly exits.

DOC: This here deed. Its not to your farmstead, is it?

ONE-ARM: [Removes the ribbon, unrolls the paper, and hands it to DOC] No, no, no. Its a

thing of speculating beauty. Forty acres of oceanfront property in New Mexico.

DOC: That sures a long way from here. I dont think I wanna move away. [Studies the paper]

ONE-ARM: No, no, of course not, Doc. But imagine how much this will be worth? I heartheyre planning to build a giant resort, something called the Grand Xanadu.

DOC: Reckon that sounds pretty fancy.

YOUNG AL re-enters carrying a small tin bucket of sand covered with a lid. He sets it down by

his father.

ONE-ARM: Fancy aint the half of it, Doc. But dont take my word for it. Just imagine how

much the resort developers might be willing to pay.

DOC: Youre going to give all thatup for a lousy tractor?

ONE-ARM: Well, either that or the other thing. [Picking up the bucket] Doc, you aint going to

believe this, but this is a bucket of genuine Dust Bowl dust.


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DOC: [Skeptical] Whats the big deal bout that? [Takes the lid off, inspects the dirt]

ONE-ARM: Think like an investor, Doc. Sure, it aint worth much now. But a bucket of genuine

Dust Bowl dust is going to be a valuable historical artifact before long. A lot of important

people studying the history of our difficult times will be willing to lay down a decent sum toclaim it. Dont you think?

DOC: Not if we all get burned up in a global calamity first.

ONE-ARM: [Impatiently] Never mind that...

DOC: Whered ya get it from?

ONE-ARM: [Speedily] Friend of a cousin, someone who parted with it for a song.

DOC: [Pauses to ponder] So ye'r sayin one or the other fer the tractor.

YOUNG AL tries to hold back his laughter, which earns him a sharp elbow from his father.

ONE-ARM: Im having a hard time giving these up, Doc. But I really need the tractor. And times

being what they are.

DOC: Personally, Id be inclined to take the bowl of dust. But its hard for a feller runnin a

store to wait so long to get his moneys worth. Whaddaya say to both the oceanfront property and

the bowl of dust for the tractor?

ONE-ARM: You drive a hard bargain.

DOC: Ill throw in the magazine the boy was lookin at.

YOUNG AL: [Spouting off mechanically]Life Magazine, July 1926.

ONE-ARM: You was still nothing but a gleam in my eye then, boy.

DOC: Whaddaya say?

ONE-ARM: [Reaching out his only hand to shake] Its a deal.

DOC: Ye'r one of my best customers, Mr. Gansee.

ONE-ARM: Pleasure doing business with you, Doc. [Mutters under his breath] Fire andbrimstone...

YOUNG AL: What a big sucker, dad! [BOB ONE-ARMED GANSEE grabs his son by the

collar and hurriedly drags him out the door.]


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DOC: Key to the tractors in the ignition!

EXEUNT.

Scene 3: Evening, Friday, December 8, 1961. The Gansee home on Grove Road. AL GANSEEand his wife (and first cousin) MARY BETH sit at the kitchen table in their ranch farmhouse,

nursing beverages. On the mantel on the far wall stand small busts and figurines of notable

Communist leaders. A stack of official papers and correspondence rest on the table in front ofAL.ALs military-style overcoat is unbuttoned, revealing a wife-beater T-shirt. MARY BETH,

distinctly more sober than her previous appearance, is wearing a house dress in the style of the

day. Eight-year-old twin idiot sons JOSEPH and JIMBOB, running wildly around the house, can

be heard even when offstage.

MARY BETH: Is something the matter, snugglebunny?

AL: Sometimes I have second thoughts about that one-armed freak of nature who claimed to bemy father. Did we do the right thing?

MARY BETH: He was a collaborator. He was part of the old, decaying capitalist order.

AL: I know. We had no choice. We had to eliminate him. Still.

Screaming twins enter the room. A stocking hat is pulled over JIMBOBs eyes as he blindly

crashes into the wall. JOSEPH doubles over in laughter, snorting and snickering and kicking.

MARY BETH: Joseph Vissarionovich Dzhugashvili Gansee, what in the name of Karl Marx didyou do this time?

AL: [With impatient dreariness] Answer your mother!

JOSEPH: Him dumber than me are! Big hat dumber than me are! [While JIMBOB futilelystruggles to remove the hat, he stumbles and knocks his brother into the mantel, knocking off

some of the figurines.]

MARY BETH:[Leaping from her seat] Not the Stalin! Not our Uncle Joe!

AL: [Flatly] Dont worry, my dear. They cant break the man of steel.

MARY BETH: [Slightly exasperated, removing the stocking hat from JIMBOBs head] We needto get our head out of the clouds!

JIMBOB: [Plowing over MARY BETH] Freeeeeeeeeee!!!!


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JIMBOB chases JOSEPH off stage right. MARY BETH brushes herself off, waits a second forthe help of her husband, who is too engrossed in poring over some papers in front of him.

Unaided, she finally stands up and carefully places the figurines back on the mantel.

MARY BETH: Thanks for nothing.

AL: [Oblivious] First, the Glorious Facility Equalization Levy, now this. [Sighs] One thousand

four hundred twenty-two Gansee dollars. From each according to his ability.

MARY BETH: What?

AL: The final cost from the Trotsky Birthday-a-Thon: fourteen hundred and twenty-two bucks.

MARY BETH: Comrade Bob had said something about going over budget.

AL: Well, there was that little explosion.

MARY BETH: Blame the Amish pyromaniac girl.

AL: Rebekah Schlaff? How could she have known youd swung the axe into the rusty kerosene

tank when she put out her cigarette?

MARY BETH: Shes only 10, snugglebunny!

AL: Thats not the point. There wouldnt have been any kerosene to ignite if you hadnt missed

the Trotsky and hit the kerosene tank! Perhaps you had a bit too much vodka.

MARY BETH: [Indignant] Why do you keep bringing this up? You know I dont want to relive

that Trotsky Eve nightmare.

AL: [Sincerely] Sorry, my dear.

MARY BETH: [Protesting too much] I do nothave a drinking problem!

JIMBOB chases JOSEPH in from stage right, awkwardly holding a baseball bat and blustering.

JIMBOB: Me gets you, dumbhead! Me gooder than you.

JOSEPH: Momma!

MARY BETH: Jimbob Gansee, drop that bat! [Instead, JIMBOB lifts the bat to swing it at hismother, before JOSEPH tackles him from the side.AL scoops up the bat and makes a scary face

at his twin idiot sons. They run away and exit stage left.]

AL: [Studying the bat] We could use this in our invasion of Cambria!


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MARY BETH: [Wryly] Peaceful transmission, snugglebunny. Peaceful transmission.

AL: Of course. Very peaceful.

A knock on the door.

MARY BETH: [Smoothing her hair and her skirt] Ill get it.

MARY BETH exits stage right, as AL flips through the pages in front of him. A moment later,

MARY BETH returns following BOB BROWN, who greets the Chief Comrade in his native

Russian. AL returns the favor in kind.

BOB: How goes it?

AL: Fourteen hundred Gansee bucks.

BOB: Yes, the Birthday-a-Thon bill. Have no fear, all will be taken care of.

AL: Some of these expenses dont make any sense. Youre not taking a cut off the top foryourself, are you?

BOB: [A full-bellied laugh] Of course not. What would I do with it around these parts anyhow?

AL: Well, all right then. We would have done just fine if not for the wild cigarette young Miss

Schlaff discarded into the pool of kerosene.

BOB: Yes, but a nice little conquest of Cambria, and all our losses will be recouped.

MARY BETH: Recouped, and far more!

AL: [Rising to his feet] Indeed!

BOB: Speaking of the Schlaff girl, Ive been talking with Comrade Davidson about our

preliminary battle plans. I see great potential in Rebekah. I think shes worthy of an officers

post, perhaps even command of our artillery.

MARY BETH: Shes only 10!

BOB: Yes, Rebekah Schlaff is only 10, but look at the evidence of her academic prowess,combined with her tremendous inclinations for all things explosive and incendiary. Well, I just

think the Socialist Union would make a terrible mistake not to accord her some responsibility in

the upcoming invasion I mean, peaceful transmission.

AL: [Mildly perturbed] You know Ive made no final decisions in this matter.


16/51

BOB: Yes, Chief Comrade, but I just beg you to consider the possibility. I plan to introduce this

motion and several others pertaining to the military command structure at our next meeting.

MARY BETH: And what of who will lead the Revolutionary Guard into battle?

BOB: The decision of whether the Chief Comrade will take direct tactical command is hisdecision alone. [The gaze of both BOB and MARY BETH is cast inquisitively on AL.]

AL: In due time, comrades. Have no fear. In due time...

JOSEPH and JIMBOB enter from stage left, wrestling and punching each other.

BOB: I can see not much has changed.

MARY BETH: [Sighing] If only the twins could clean their room half as well as weve

constructed the socialist order. [Shouting] Dont kill each other and if you break anything!

MARY BETH chases both JOSEPH and JIMBOB off stage right.

BOB: [Picking up a figurine from the mantel] Looks like Uncle Joe has lost a bit of flesh.

AL: The man of steel?

BOB: Marred, but not broken. The dream lives, Chief Comrade.

AL: And it grows.

BOB: Well see to that.

EXEUNT.

Scene 4: Evening, Thursday, December 14, 1961. The Schlaff farm in the southern region of

the Socialist Union. Amish farmer AMOS SCHLAFF answers the door and finds JOHN

DAVIDSON there.

JOHN: Hello there, Comrade Amos!

AMOS: [Skeptical] Greetings, Comrade John. How may I be of service?

JOHN: I carry important news from our Chief Comrade. [Brandishes a brown envelope from the

pocket of his overcoat] I was told Comrade Ezekiel was here, as well. I need to speak with you

both.


17/51

AMOS: Is this about the barn repairs? [Almost apologetic] I know I told Comrade Brown that we

mightest provide assistance with that project this evening. But there is no levy money available,

he hath said. And the weather is a bit on the cold and bleak side....

JOHN: No, Comrade Amos. No. This doesn't have anything to do with the North People's

Commons Barn or the Glorious Facility Equalization Levy.

AMOS: [His disposition lightens] Oh, never mind then. Please, please come in, Comrade John.

[His 10-year-old daughter REBEKAH SCHLAFF, wearing traditional Amish dress, scurries into

the room from stage right, curtseys to JOHN DAVIDSON, and implores her father with her eyes.]

What is it, Rebekah? Thou mayest speak.

REBEKAH: Greetings to thee, Comrade John. [To AMOS] Father, I prithee allow me to light theevening candles.

AMOS: [Sternly] Thou wilt not smoke the sin stick again, wilt thou? [REBEKAHs head hangs]

Didst thou not ask thy mother? [Still no response] If thy mother forbids, then thou knowest thatso do I. Now, if thou wilt, go fetch Father Ezekiel that he may come and speak with Comrade

Davidson and me. [REBEKAH scurries away stage right.] I apologize, Comrade John. May Itake thy coat? [Takes JOHNs overcoat and hangs it on a rack near the door] Canst I summon

my wife to pour thee a warm beverage?

JOHN: No, thank you. Ill be brief. [Clearing his throat] With your permission, Comrade Amos,I might ask that young Rebekah join us, too.

AMOS: May I beg thy pardon?

JOHN: The news from our Chief Comrade concerns your daughter, as well.

AMOS: [With a wry smile] I dare say thou hast me confounded.

REBEKAH: [Scurrying back into the room with the elderly and stoic EZEKIEL WILSON

ambling behind] Father, may I retire to my room and read? [AMOS gestures silently to

REBEKAH] Read my Socialist Union textbook, of course.

AMOS: Twould be a fine idea for most nights, but on this evening Comrade John hast requestedthy presence as well.

EZEKIEL: [To JOHN] Hast thou come to chide us about the leaky barn roof in the commons?

JOHN: No, not at all. You'll have to talk with Comrade Bob about that.

EZEKIEL: Well, whatever it be, my attention can be thine for no more than one half hour.

JOHN: What I have to tell you will not take that long.


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AMOS: Shall we all be seated? [JOHN defers to EZEKIEL, who takes the grand oak rockingchair, while JOHN is seated on a stool. REBEKAH sits next to her father on the sofa.] Please,

Comrade John. Our attention is thine.

JOHN: First, I wish to thank you for your hospitality. I know no one holds more influence among

our Amish community than you two men. That is why I have come to you directly andpersonally. [EZEKIEL rocks slowly and solemnly, cynically listening as JOHN opens the brown

envelope and hands the contents to him, fidgety from nicotine withdrawal] You are reading

Special Order Number 3, personally authorized by our munificent Chief Comrade himself. Thename of each person here is included, as you will see.

REBEKAH: [Beaming] Me, too?

AMOS: Be not so vain, my child.

EZEKIEL: My eyes strain to read the words, but

REBEKAH: Father, shall I light the evening candles?

AMOS: Nay! [Sidestepping her fathers authority, REBEKAH brandishes a Bic lighter and

tosses it to EZEKIEL, who uses the light to enhance his reading ability. A few second pass as hebegins to scan the order]

EZEKIEL: [Indignant] Order of battle?

JOHN: Yes, Comrade Ezekiel. The Chief Comrade has sought to honor your people withpositions of prominence in the coming peaceful transmission of our socialist ideals to a

neighboring community.

AMOS: Peaceful transmission? [Rises from his seat, approaches EZEKIEL]

EZEKIEL: [Hands the order to AMOS, who also refuses the lighter, which EZEKIEL

extinguishes] What need is there for an order of battle to perform a peaceful transmission?

JOHN: We have to be distinctly prepared for the possibility that resistance will be met.

EZEKIEL: [With a burning gaze] Our people are a peaceful people.

JOHN: Certainly. But are you not also brothers loyal to the Socialist Union?

EZEKIEL: Barns and sometimes taxes notwithstanding, thou knowest there are none more loyal.

AMOS: [Reading the order in astonishment] Rebekah Schlaff, 1st Sergeant? Not only Ezekiel

and I, but my daughter also hast been summoned to serve as a military officer? She is only 10

years old.


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REBEKAH: I will be 11 in March.

AMOS: Hush, Rebekah!

JOHN: Let me assure you all that every detail of this order has been carefully crafted and

considered. Following the Birthday-a-Thon festivities, the Chief Comrade has developed theutmost confidence in the capabilities of our young Comrade Rebekah. Some among the council

have even championed her as artillery commander.

AMOS: [With barely contained anger] I must protest!

JOHN: Your fatherly protectiveness is appreciated. However, the Chief Comrade in all his

wisdom decided that bestowing such a post on your daughter would be premature. Still, theexperience she might gain as a First Sergeant in the Socialist Unions Revolutionary Guard, well,

that would be most invaluable. Besides, it would bring great honor to the Chief Comrade and to

all our ideals of equality and brotherhood.

EZEKIEL: Comrade John, as the elder statesman of our Amish community, it befalleth me not to

speak too rashly. I canst not give the answer thou seekest.

JOHN: I do appreciate your position. But might I add for your consideration that the Chief

Comrade has decided to personally lead our forces onto the field. The more members of your

community whom you can persuade to join us, the more honored your place will be.

As EZEKIEL contemplates in silence, the young girl interjects her thoughts.

REBEKAH: Oh, Father, may Iplease? First Sergeant sounds like such a felicitous opportunity.

Please tell me, Comrade Davidson. Are there any candles to light?

AMOS: [Intervening before JOHN can answer] We will discuss this matter later.

REBEKAH: Please?

JOHN: If I may say so, young Comrade Rebekah has all the marks of a natural leader. Perhaps

someday a prominent position in the Socialist Unions council will be hers.

AMOS: Thou shalt not tempt us with a lust for power.

EZEKIEL: Yea, Comrade John. We will resist such temptation as the roaring lion that walkethabout. Else I might be serving on the council today, perhaps in thine own place.

JOHN: Perhaps. But the Chief Comrade has placed his confidence in me to help forge the path tospreading our ideals to our surrounding neighbors.

AMOS: We all remain equals.


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EZEKIEL: Surely thou dost not include thy children as equals.

AMOS: Nay, not in that sense. Though it appeareth that Rebekah and I shall share the same rankin the Chief Comrades Revolutionary Guard.

EZEKIEL: But not thy younger children.

AMOS: Nay, certainly not Kevin, Tyrone, and Laquisha. How shalt they obey the father who is

their equal?

JOHN: [Obviously disinterested in the finer points of the conversation] Well, Ill take up no more

of your time. The offer stands.

EZEKIEL: Please extend our request for a personal meeting with the Chief Comrade to discuss

this matter further.

JOHN: I will see to it. Ill give you a phone call myself. [EZEKIELs stare brings JOHNsattention to his mistake.] Oh, never mind that. Ill let you know somehow.

EZEKIEL: [Rising to his feet and exiting stage right] I shall rejoin my company and bid thee

farewell.

JOHN: [Meekly] Farewell.

AMOS: [Making a beeline to the door] A good evening to thee, Comrade John.

REBEKAH: [Picking up the lighter from the rocking chair] Father, may I light the evening

candles?

AMOS: Nay, my daughter. To bed with thee to read thy textbooks.

REBEKAH trudges off stage right.

JOHN: [Donning his overcoat] A good evening to you and your family. All hail, Al Gansee!

AMOS: All hail, Al Gansee!

EXEUNT.

Scene 5: Morning, Friday, February 9, 1962. The Algansee Parade Ground near the

dilapidated Methodist Church.From the steps of the church, AL GANSEE formally reviews the

troops of his Revolutionary Guard. In the background can be heard the strains of Doo WahDiddy half-capably played on old brass instruments.


21/51

AL: [Proudly, to himself] Oh, glorious Revolutionary Guard, what a sight. The apple of your

Chief Comrades eye. In three weeks you shall march down the streets of Cambria behind me,

joyfully passing on our glorious socialist ideals spreading the blissful word of equality andbrotherhood. Aah, how sweet it will be! The left wing of the army first, led by my faithful left-

hand man. [Shouting out, gesturing] Comrade Bob! Join me! [Once again, to himself] Dr. Norma

Flanders, chief medical officer and adjutant commander. [Shouting] Get a piece of floss, Norma![To himself, again] Young Comrade Dzlinsky, faithful in spite of your fathers own treason.

Amos, oh Amos, yes, it is good to see you and your Amish brethren have agreed to join us.

Enter BOB BROWN. He strikes a familiar tone with AL not seen in their previous interactions.

BOB: Yes, Al?

AL: [Sings to himself gleefully, to the tune of Doo-Wah-Diddy] Singin watch out Cambria,

here comes Al Gansee!

BOB: [Disgusted, in a previously unheard Russian accent] An entirely bourgeois choice for amartial song to lead us into battle.

AL: It inspires morale.

BOB: Of course. You know I wouldnt share my private opinions with the others.

AL: A KGB man is as good as his word. [BOB nods affirmingly] Weve known each other for

more than a decade, Bronovsky. I trust you implicitly.

BOB: [Unconvincingly] Im glad to hear it.

AL: [Looking out over the troops] What do you think of the decision to put Davidson in chargeof the right wing?

BOB: There was no choice but to give him a nominal command. Also no choice but to personallyoversee him yourself.

AL: Between me and Mary Beth, well keep him in line.

BOB: Will Ezekiels division hold up under the strain?

AL: The pacifist was given the easiest assignment: rear guard action. It is, after all, your wing ofthe army that will be doing the heavy lifting.

BOB: [Pauses] Can we really count on the pond remaining frozen?

AL: [Chuckling] It would take either a capitalist-induced heat wave the likes no one has ever

seen, or perhaps authentic fire and brimstone, to melt the ice on the Cambria Pond before the

middle of April. Just ask Norma sometime .


22/51

BOB: Its as though that pond is part of its own Siberian climate. How else do you explain it?

AL: In this case, I dont care to know why. It is enough to know the frozen pond is a vital piece

of our plan.

BOB: Speed and agility will be the key. Once we hit our strategic targets with the artillery, we

should create enough confusion to seize the bridge, the church, and town hall in good order.

After that, the rest will be academic.

AL: I have dreams about riding into Cambria atop the tank that belonged to the one-armed

reactionary fool who claimed to be my father. It will be a beautiful moment!

BOB: Indeed I have every confidence the socialist order will continue to be constructed here

near your Great Lakes. [Casting surreptitious glances, in hushed tones] Any word from our

operative?

AL: [Shaking his head] No news is good news. The Cambrians are asleep. They will awaken into

the arms of utopian bliss.

BOB: Here comes Davidson. [Enter JOHN DAVIDSON, BOB adjusts his accent accordingly]

Hark, Comrade John. What a beautiful display, dont you agree!

JOHN: [Ecstatically] This Revolutionary Guard is the culmination of a dream . [Sobering]

When are we going to be able to obtain all the munitions we need? After so many months ago.

You know, the firearms were confiscaer, pledged to the common good of the socialist union

AL: [Reassuringly] I know, Comrade John. Fear not!

JOHN: On the good news front, I believe our little army will be ready to fight by the end of the

month.

BOB: Agreed. [An unsettling pause]

JOHN: How can we be sure the Cambrians arent already tipped off to what were doing? I

mean, parading around like this has to attractsome attention.

AL: Comrade John, I think youre giving them too much credit.

JOHN: Isnt it dangerous to underestimate them, even if they are the Cambrians?

BOB: Are you doubting the collective wisdom of the socialist union embodied in the judgmentof our most munificent Chief Comrade? [JOHN shakes his head vigorously]

AL: [Disinterested] Comrades, farewell. Mary Beth and I need to review some specialized

tactics.


23/51

BOB and JOHN: All hail, Al Gansee!

AL exits stage left.

BOB: [Sternly] Comrade John, your skepticism is bordering on disloyalty.

JOHN: I resent the accusation.

After an uneasy silence, JOHN exits stage left. At the same time, NORMA enters stage right.

NORMA: Hey, sweets. That was a lot of fun, wasnt it?

BOB: [Still distracted] Sure, sure .

NORMA: Well, I have a couple patients to tend to this afternoon. Do you want to get lunch at

Dzlinskys first?

BOB: Id love to, but Ive got official business on the docket. Well catch up tonight.

NORMA: [Pecks BOB on the cheek, then starts to leave stage left] Okay, then.

BOB: Norma?

NORMA: Yes?

BOB: Can we really count on the Cambria Pond to remain frozen?

NORMA: [Laughing] Of all things, I wouldnt worry about that. [Exits stage left]

BOB: What does that mean?

EXEUNT.

Scene 6: Afternoon, Sunday, February 11, 1962.FRED CAMPBELL, a 28-year-old day laborer

who comes across as a simpleton, serves the eyes and ears of Al Gansee in and around Cambria,unbeknownst to those around him. After the Baptist Church service, he visits with the portly REV.

ROY ALLEN, the preacher who doubles as Cambrias mayor.

FRED: Hate to say it, Preacher Roy, but that sermon done gave me a bad feelin.

ROY: [Heartily] Amen.

FRED: [Awkward and uncertain] Amen I guess. Well, uh, whats new down at the town hall?


24/51

ROY: Dont like talking about that business on the Lords Day.

FRED: No, I reckon, uh, I reckon not.

The 98-year-old MAUREEN FRICKARD leads the OLD MAN JOHNSTON, himself nearly 70,blind, and mostly toothless, in from stage right.

ROY: Greetings, Widow Frickard.

MAUREEN: Good day, preacher boy.

ROY: And to you, Old Man Johnston.

JOHNSTON: Not too bad preachin there.

ROY: [Feigning politeness] Thank you very much. What can I do for you?

MAUREEN: I thought youd want to hear what our former sheriff has to say.

ROY: Oh?

JOHNSTON: I dont see much any more, Roy, but there aint anything the least bid bad aboutmy ears. Let me tell you, theres mischief afoot over there in Southland Springs.

ROY: [Chuckling] With that crazy, godless Gansee character running around, I could have toldyou that.

JOHNSTON: With all due respect, its more than that. I hear talk of some kind of invasion.

MAUREEN: Did ya hear that, preacher boy? Invasion.

ROY: Invasion of who or what?

JOHNSTON: Dont know fer sure. But somewhere round these parts. Folks are gettin nervous.

Guess those Al Gansee-ites were paradin around in uniforms, doing military drills and such. Weought to be payin it heed.

FRED: Well, Ill be.

JOHNSTON: So I just want to let you know Im volunteering myself for service.

ROY: What can you do in your condition, Old Man Johnston?

JOHNSTON: The loss of one sense sharpens all the others. And besides, I'm still fittin' to use

most of the skills I learned as sheriff of this town. It wasn't that long ago....


25/51

ROY: [With phony smile] All right, all right.

MAUREEN: Count me in, too.

ROY: I appreciate that very much. From both of you. [Somewhat dismissively] Well take all thesensible precautions we can here in Cambria. But Im sure its as much pomp as circumstance.

FRED: Thats a mighty fine song.

ROY: Amen.

JOHNSTON: Put me wherever I can be of the most service.

ROY: You know I dont like to talk about these matters on the Lords Day. Come by Town Hall

tomorrow morning. [Moving away stage right] Im off to get me some fried chicken dinner. You

all have a fine afternoon. [Exit stage right]

FRED: So you havent heard where the invasion is being planned.

MAUREEN FRICKARD begins leading OLD MAN JOHNSTON off stage right.

MAUREEN: [Temper rising] Nope. Best not be in our backyard, though. If they know whatsgood for them.

JOHNSTON: Amen to that.

MAUREEN: I needs some chewin' tobackey to calm my nerves, or I might just invade that Al

Gansee feller myself.

JOHNSTON: Think I might have some you can borrow....

EXEUNT.

Scene 7: Morning, Wednesday, February 14, 1962. The Algansee Parade Ground near the

dilapidated Methodist Church.AL GANSEE confidently strides up the steps of the dilapidatedchurch, with BOB BROWN and MARY BETH following briskly behind. A solitary radio

microphone stands in the middle of the top step. AL wears his fully-adorned military-style jacket

and a Fidel Castro-style cap. The other two, like all in the Revolutionary Guard, wear newly-purchased olive green Nehru jackets with embroidered red A patches on the left breast. BOBs

uniform designates him as a two-star general. MARY BETHs uniform designates her as a full-

bird colonel. At the top of the steps, ALs compatriots quietly prep him as he waits to give themost memorable address of his life.


26/51

BOB: Ready to go?

AL: I feel a bit rushed. Its all sooner than Id like to do this, but since we learned from ourinformant that the Cambrians have been tipped off.

BOB: No choice. I know.

MARY BETH: [Squeezing ALs arm] So this is it, snugglebunny. [AL winks at her amorously]

BOB: Just follow the script, Al.

AL: Its committed to memory. In my soul.

BOB: Remember, you cant make this too dramatic. Go for the big one.

AL: [To BOB] I know I said it before, but getting radio coverage was a fabulous idea. We have a

platform from which to proclaim our most glorious ideals. My hopes for success are greater thanever.

BOB: [Joking] Just dont break out into your rendition of Chattanooga Choo-Choo. [Catching

a signal from the corner of his eye] Its the producer. Were almost on.

AL steps forward to the microphone, as his compatriots assume rigid and dignified posture

behind him, BOB on his left and MARY BETH on his right. After a few seconds of waiting, hebegins the address.

AL: Today I stand before my proud army, men who believe in the equality, unity, and the

brotherhood of all men. Today we stand together because of the threat of the evil Cambrian

empire! That evil Cambrian empire which represents a way of life totally contradictory to ourideals of peace, joy, and love. That is why we must defend our way of life. And sometimes in

the course of defending what we hold dear we must march out on the offensive to stamp out the

evil before it spreads. And that is what I have been suggesting to all of you. Not suggesting,rather imploring. The fate of civilization rests upon your shoulders, and I know you will perform

your duty well in this your union's darkest hour! "With malice toward none," except the

Cambrians, of course, "with charity" for everybody else, "with firmness in the right as God gives

us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in." And furthermore, my bravesoldiers, let me remind you that "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself." And when you

have performed your duty well you can be assured that there will be "a chicken in every pot and

a car in every garage!" So that we shall one day say, "Old soldiers never die, they just fadeaway." So that when you return I can look you all in the eye and say, "Never in the field of

human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few." [Pausing to look heavenward, a tearin his eye] "I have a dream; that one day this nation will rise up, live out the true meaning of itscreed: We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal." Equal, my

brothers! Equality and brotherhood! Life and joy and peace! Cambria, this is your warning.

You evil empire, cease and desist from your wicked ways. And as I look upon the finest fighting


27/51

force ever assembled, [reaches to remove one of his shoes, which he proceeds to wave wildly inthe air] I feel proud, just, and confident to say, [shouting defiantly] "We will bury you, Cambria!"

Sounds of whoops and hollers, along with various other kinds of cheering and applause, can be

heard. The chintzy brass instrumental rendition of Doo Wah Diddy also sounds. AL waves and

greets and salutes the crowd with dramatic flair. BOB and MARY BETH stand proud and tall. Abig smile creeps across MARY BETHs face, while BOB remains stoic. After nearly a minute or

so, BOB nudges AL, finally getting his attention letting him know its time to exit the platform. Asthe entourage exits, MARY BETH gleefully jumps into ALs arms. AL carries MARY BETH off

stage. BOB finally is overcome by the moment, his stoic exterior breaking down. He walks

behind, massaging ALs shoulders in festive celebration and throwing his head back in jubilantlaughter.

Off stage BOBs voice can be heard: I have this terrible craving for a peanut butter and

pineapple sandwich.

EXEUNT.

END of ACT I


28/51

ACT II

Scene 1: Morning, Wednesday, February 21, 1962. Briefing room at FBI Regional

Headquarters in Chicago.Four G-MEN in trenchcoats sit in chairs, some at desks, as they wait

to get briefed by CHIEF B HUNTER, a strangely gruff but effeminate character. HUNTER

sashays in from stage right, wearing a silky suit and tie combo, a feather boa, nylon stockings,and low-heeled womens shoes. He carries a file folder under his arm. An FBI insignia hangs on

the wall.

HUNTER: Boys, we got a strange one on our hands. I trust youve all read the report.

G-MAN 1: [Scanning the file in front of him] Is this some kind of a joke?

G-MAN 2: April Fools is more than a month away.

G-MAN 3: The Socialist Union of Elmer Gantry?

HUNTER: Al Gansee.

G-MAN 3: I know, but cmon

G-MAN 1: All this talk about an invasion aint serious, is it, B?

HUNTER: We have too much evidence to take it lightly. Regardless, there are about 93 cases of

tax evasion in this little town that need to be dealt with. [Throws the file folder down on the desk]

Were going to throw the book at em, and D-Day is tomorrow.

G-MAN 4: It looks to me like there might be some sort of coordinated KGB plot. [Thumbingthrough his copy of the file] I cant believe we dont have more solid proof of that.

G-MAN 2: This bio on Gansee is amazing. Personal contacts with Stalin, Khrushchev, Castro.

[Reading off the page] May have worked inside the Kremlin from 50 to 57. Sold arms to CubanCommunist revolutionaries.

HUNTER: I know.

G-MAN 1: How has this character been walking around under our noses?

HUNTER: Low priority. Our hope has been that he would lead us to some bigger fish, but afterlast weeks radio address the situation has reached critical. We cant sit back any more, boys.

G-MAN 4: [All business] So were on destination at 1200 hours tomorrow.

HUNTER: Yes, remember, we keep a low profile.

G-MAN 3: A low profile, B? You aint wearin the pink number tomorrow, are you?


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HUNTER: Ill have to look at my wardrobe. Cant afford to make the wrong splash.

G-MAN 3: The wrong splash in Hicksville?

G-MAN 2: [Reading] Cambria.

HUNTER: [Looking at his reflection in a small compact] Yes, boys. Cambria. Any questions

about the primary targets?

G-MAN 1: [Sorting through photos] Some of these are a little grainy. Is this the best weve got?

G-MAN 2: Gansees wife, a local school principal, female doctor Do we really have anyreason to consider any of these to be dangerous?

HUNTER: Its Brown, the one we know the least about. Believed to have past associations with

Gansee, but no good pictures to verify his identity. Well proceed with caution around him.

G-MAN 4: [Raising his hand] Chief?

HUNTER: Dont call me Chief.

G-MAN 4: [Obviously uncomfortable] B With this Gansee clown, I mean, if this really is aninvasion, do we shoot to kill?

HUNTER: We want him alive, preferably, and in custody. Same with all the others.

G-MAN 1: Are we really supposed to arrest this whole invading force?

HUNTER: Were picking up the principals, the ones featured in your files. Count on backup

support from local law enforcement for the rest.

G-MAN 3: [Wryly] Commies in Cambria. Whats the world comin to?

HUNTER: The FBI always gets its man.

G-MAN 2: No, youre the man, B.

HUNTER: [His head flung back in self-deprecating laughter] You guys sound just like Eddie.

G-MAN 1: You mean the big guy himself?

HUNTER: [Sashaying out stage right] Lets get out there and get to work. Its Cambria

tomorrow. Oh, how I love ya tomorrow!

EXEUNT.


30/51

Scene 2: 2:15 PM, Thursday, February 22, 1962. Main intersection, town of Reading. ALGANSEE, BOB BROWN, and JOHN DAVIDSON, all donned in their uniforms, come together to

confer briefly. In the background can be heard the hum of a tank motor.

AL: [With an authoritative air] Halt, halt, halt! Comrade John, what time is it?

JOHN: A little after two hours past noon.

BOB: You mean 1400 hours.

JOHN: Whatever, yeah.

AL: From here on out, we maintain radio contact. Is everyone ready to execute the plan? [AL is

greeted by an uninspiring silence.] What? Weve been over this a hundred times.

BOB: Its some of the men. Theyre not so sure of themselves. Theyre not as ready as they

could be.

AL: Yes, the timetable is not ideal. Our hand has been forced, though. Its after two oclock. Wecant wait. We cant stop. We cant retreat.

BOB: No, of course not, Chief Comrade.

JOHN: [Echoing, shaking his head] No no.

AL: Do I need to give another speech to inspire them?

JOHN: The one this morning [catches himself]

AL: What about this mornings speech?

JOHN: It could have been a bit better received. There wasnt the booming applause that greetedyou last time.

AL: Comrade John, do you not agree with me that our Revolutionary Guard received the speech

exactly as it was intended to be received? With quiet, sober reflection, with steely resolve, withthe internal preparation necessary to meet the great duties they face today?

JOHN: [Humbled] Certainly, Chief Comrade.

BOB: I think the best thing is for them to move into action as swiftly as possible. The men will

find their nerves calmed and their spirits lifted.

AL: Agreed. Off we go. [With JOHN at his side, he strides to the far side of the stage, thenhollers back] Time for our parting now has come! [BOB nods in agreement. AL makes a giant,

sweeping gesture] When next we meet, Cambria will all be ours! [All salute]


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EXEUNT.

Scene 3: 4:00 PM, Thursday, February 22, 1962. Outside the Victorian farmhouse onCambria Road, west of Cambria.As the lights come up on the scene of the empty road below,

the audience hears the voice of OLD MAN JOHNSTON from indoors, upstairs, in the widowspeak with no window.

JOHNSTON: Its an unusually mild day for February. Dont suspect its enough to scare off

those Commie bastards. I just know theyre a-comin today. They ought to know better. They

ought to know better n to mess with my town. I dont know whats wrong with that fool mayorof ours. Youd think he could take these threats a little more serious. Back when I was sheriff, we

woulda nipped this Red nonsense in the bud. I had great respect for that one-armed Gansee

fella. That no-account son of his? Well, in his case, the apple blew a long way from the tree.

[Pauses, reacting to something he hears]Whats that?

From offstage, the audience can hear singing to the tune of Doo Wah Diddy. Quiet at first, it

gradually crescendos.

CHORUS: Here we are, just a ridin down the street, singin [Pause of silence] Snappin our

fingers and shufflin our feet, singin [A longer pause] He looks good! [Short pause] He looksfine!

AL: Cambria will soon be mine!

JOHNSTON: Blasted fool! [Sounds of JOHNSTON slowly descending stairs]

Members of the Revolutionary Guard now parade on from stage right, along with MARY BETH

GANSEE, EZEKIEL WILSON, and REBEKAH SCHLAFF. Riding atop a slow-moving WorldWar One reproduction tank are AL GANSEE and JOHN DAVIDSON.

CHORUS: Here we are, just a ridin down the street, singin

AL: Watch out Cambria, here comes Al Gansee!

CHORUS: Snappin our fingers and shufflin our feet, singin

AL: Watch out Cambria, here comes Al Gansee! I look good!

CHORUS: He looks good!

AL: I look fine!

CHORUS: He looks fine!


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AL: [Shouting ecstatically] Cambria will soon be mine!! [Roars with menacing laughter]

Half of the parade column has passed off stage left, including EZEKIEL and REBEKAH.

Meanwhile, OLD MAN JOHNSTON ambles blindly on stage through the main door of the house.

JOHNSTON: [Shouting] Hey, you! Are you those Commie bastards from Southland Springs?

SOLDIERS: [From offstage] Algansee, old man!

AL: [With semi-amusement] Are you the lookout?

JOHNSTON: I heard yall comin.

AL: Were you watching for us from the widows peak up there?

MARY BETH: [Gazing upward and stage right] Theres no window.

JOHN: Doesnt matter much. The man is blind, after all.

JOHNSTON: [Asserting in seriousness] I order you in the name of the law, in the name of

Cambria, and in the name of all things good and decent, to drop your weapons and surrender!

AL: [Gives a full-throated, cocky laugh, then turns to JOHN] Kill that decrepit freak of nature.

JOHN: Yes, sir. [Brandishing a small caliber pistol from his holster, he turns and takes aim at

OLD MAN JOHNSTON, who continues to stumble closer to the tank. The sound of a single

gunshot follows, JOHNSTON clutches his left knee and topples over.]

JOHNSTON: You Commie bastard! Now how am I supposed to get to the telephone and call

back into town?

AL: That's your problem to figure out, freak.

JOHN: [To AL] This is almost too easy, Chief Comrade. I fear the Cambrians may be setting a

trap.

AL: Bah! [Exploding into laughter once again] The Cambrians couldnt catch a snapping turtle

with

JOHN: With what, Chief Comrade?

AL: Three quarts of whiskey and four front row tickets to see Cameloton Broadway.

JOHN looks puzzled but says nothing as the tank pulls them off stage left.


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JOHNSTON: [Writhing in pain] Ive failed. Ive failed. Ive failed.

EXEUNT.

Scene 4: 4:45 PM, Thursday, February 22, 1962. Interior, Cambria General Store. The humble

wood-framed mercantile off Lilac Road shows increasing signs of wear from a quarter-centuryearlier. The proprietor BENJAMIN DOC GIMBO is a wrinkled, moustached man in his mid-

to-late 60s with multiple teeth missing. He is counting the change in his ancient cash register.

FRED CAMPBELL is loitering mindlessly around the shop counter.

DOC: Has ya figured it out yet?

FRED: Nope. I came here to tell ya somethin wish I could done recollect it.

DOC: Well, ya gots me mighty curious. [Goes back to counting] Seventy, seventy-five,eighty.

FRED: Wish I could cipher like you, Doc. Id have my own store, perhaps, not breakin my back

day after day.

DOC: [Angry] Ya made me lose my train a thought!

FRED: Sorry. [Pauses, scratching his head] I didn't know you had somethin' to do with the

railroads.

DOC: Railroads?

FRED: I thought I made you lose...

DOC: Why dont ya go back tsome of that back-breakin work yer jabberin on about?

FRED: [Sighs] Job let off early today. Besides, there was somethin important, somethin really

special about today

DOC: Yes?

FRED: [Scratching his head vigorously] Cept I dont recollect.

DOC: [Counts again] Five, ten, fifteen, twenty, twenty-five.

FRED: Maybe Ill go ice skatin later on.

DOC: Why not now? [Counting] Forty, forty-five.


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FRED: A bunch of folks is hangin round the pond, thats why!

DOC: [Disinterested] Oh, really?

FRED: Yeah [His eyes twinkle with recollection, while DOC fails to show the least bit of

interest or attention] Al Gansees bunch is headin over this way, an invasion they done called it.Im their spy, ya see. Not that yer supposed to know that.

DOC: Sure, sure.

FRED: I was gonna meet em over at the Town Hall for the celebration dis evenin.

DOC: [After a brief but noticeable pause, he is finally finished counting the nickels in his cash

register] One dollar and forty-five cents. [Looks at FRED and smiles] Did ya recollect what ya

was gonna recollect?

FRED: Im tbe warnin ya not tbe someplace.

DOC: [Feigning seriousness] Oh, wheres dat?

FRED: I dunno. If I recollect it.

DOC: [Impatiently] If yer gonna be stayin round here, could ya at least helps me bystraightnin out the magazine rack?

After stuffing a wad of tobacco in his mouth, FRED complies, stepping over to the haphazard

magazine rack with random back issues of sundry periodicals .

FRED: Well, Ill be! Sez here da Japs may be surrenderin soon.

DOC: About time, I say.

FRED: [Leafing through another magazine] Hey, Doc, did you readField & Stream? Great

article on how to rebuild your classic '35 Buick coupe.

DOC: Fred? Hello? Hello? You meanAstronomy Weekly, don't ya? [FRED mindlessly stares

back at DOC, his jaw slowly and rhythmically chewing his tobacco.] Are you gonna buy

somethin, Fred? This is a place of business, ya know. Are you gonna buy somethin?

FRED: I gots myself a bad feelin, Doc.

DOC: Quit pesterin me with yer bad feelins. Are ya gonna straighten up the magazines or not?

FRED: Nah, but mebbe Ill git a copy of dis here magazine. [Picks up the first magazine] Cuz

dat would be good n if da Japs really did give up. [Feels in his pants pockets] I dunno. I only

gots a nickel, an I may need it later.


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DOC: [About ready to explode] Make up yer mind!

FRED: I think I figured out da bad feelin.

DOC: Now are you gonna buy somethin or are you gonna keep annoyin me with your sillybad feelins?

Enter EMMALOU NORTHCUTT and VELMA NORTHCUTT from stage left. The sisters are also

Cambrias resident town spinsters, both around the age of 60. While they interact with the stores

proprietor, FRED grows increasingly nervous and unsettled, but cant get anyones attention toshare what he wants to say.

EMMALOU: Why, good mornin Doc.

VELMA: Yes, good mornin to ya, Doc.

DOC: Dats nice, but it aint mornin no more. The way Freds been dronin on, I presume its

nigh to midnight by now.

VELMA: The suns still shinin.

FRED: Yeah, but--

DOC: Well, never mind, then. What can I do ya ladies fer?

EMMALOU: Were cuttin out quick from a fierce game of pinochle. Had ta get some more

tobackey for the Widder Frickard.

FRED: Uh uh.

DOC: [Reaching for a can behind the counter] Is bin a-wondrin. Bin nearly two weeks sinceMaureen bought some chew.

VELMA: She gits pretty ill-tempered when she dont have none fer awhile.

DOC: [Chuckling] Aint dat da truth!

VELMA: But fer someone nigh 100, taint much tcomplain about.

FRED: Complain? B, but

DOC: Cash or charge?

EMMALOU: Can ya put it on da Widders tab?


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DOC: Reckon I can, but tell Maureen next time she needs tbuy her shotgun shells er chew, Im

gonna need some cash.

EMMALOU: [Taking the can of tobacco] All right, then.

FRED: [Finally gets through] Hi, ladies.

VELMA: Whats got yall troubled?

FRED: I gots a BAD feelin.

EMMALOU: [Condescendingly] Oh, whats that, Fred?

FRED: Taint able texplain it.

Just then, the sound of a shrieking mortar shell approaches. The ladies try to duck for cover,

while FRED stares upward.

DOC: Wha

Before DOC can finish a syllable, the lights go down and the sound of an explosion is heard.

EXEUNT.

Scene 5: 5:00 PM, Thursday, February 22, 1962. The Lilac Road perimeter west of Cambria.

With JOHN DAVIDSON and MARY BETH close by his side, AL GANSEE paces with boundlessenergy. The explosive report from the Cambria General Store stirs the leadership of the Socialist

Union Armys right wing in action.

AL: [Gleefully] A direct hit! Blasted the General Store to pieces, no doubt. [To MARY BETH] Didyou hear that?

MARY BETH: [Sneaking a sip of vodka] Whoa.

JOHN: [Steeling up his own courage] Here goes nothing.

AL: [To both] Are your divisions prepared to act?

JOHN: Third Division is standing by. The Fourth.

AL: Yes?

JOHN: The Fourth is not at full strength. Due to the, uh, unfortunate incident with Major

McPherson, I had no choice but to put him and four others under arrest and


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AL: I know that. I left it to your discretion to transfer men from the Third as you see fit.

JOHN: I decided against it, sir. If we take men from the vital defensive position at the outer

intersection at this late hour, it could create havoc and make us needlessly vulnerable to a

counter-assault, and.

MARY BETH: [Laughing derisively] A counter-assault? From the Cambrians?

AL: [Dismissing his wifes comments out of hand] I presume then you believe that Captain

Schlaff and her 10 men are prepared to follow us into town. [JOHN gives him nothing but anempty, indecisive look. He turns to MARY BETH] Bring Captain Schlaff to me now! On the

double!

MARY BETH staggers off stage right.

JOHN: [Bolstering his own fragile nerves] It will work. I know it will.

AL: [Looking through his field glasses] Of course, John. [Pauses and smiles] Theres chaos inCambria. Looks like Comrade Bob is fulfilling his portion of the mission. [Brings down the field

glasses and offers them to JOHN] Go ahead. See for yourself.

JOHN: [Peering through the field glasses] I dont see Bob or any of our men.

AL: Not yet. But they will soon be there, and we must be ready for our triumphal entry.

JOHN: [Studying his own uniform] Do you think I look dapper enough for tonights victory

celebration?

AL: Dapper enough to share the glorious ideal of equality!

A knapsack slung over her shoulder, 10-year-old REBEKAH SCHLAFF scurries in from stage

right, MARY BETH staggering behind.

REBEKAH: [Nearly out of breath] Chief Comrade, sir. You requested to see me.

AL: Is your division ready for the triumphal advance?

REBEKAH: [Playing nervously with her fingers and hair] Um, yeah, I guess so.

AL: [With a hearty laugh] Good, good, Comrade Rebekah.

REBEKAH: [Pulling a box of matches out of her knapsack] When do we get to burn stuff?

JOHN: [Nervously intervening] Soon, soon. Ill let you know.


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REBEKAH: [Suddenly filled with arsonous rage] 'Cause Im gonna burn those Cambrians!

JOHN: [Taking REBEKAH by the shoulders, guiding her off stage right] Lets get you back toyour division, dear.

AL: [Barking orders to his wife] Check on Comrade Shekkies division, and report back to me ifthere are any problems. [MARY BETH hesitates momentarily] Go! [MARY BETH exits stage left]

Cambria will soon be mine!

EXEUNT.

Scene 6: 5:00 PM, Thursday, February 22, 1962. On Cambria Pond. BOB BROWN, NORMA

FLANDERS, and HIRAM WILCOX, appearing every bit the stodgy and insecure educrat,awkwardly adorned in military olive green, stand amid the left wing of the Socialist Union of Al

Gansees Revolutionary Guard. Several soldiers are huddled around them, poised to strike theirfoe.

BOB: Are the troops in formation to strike?

NORMA: What? Theyre supposed to be in formation?

BOB: Yes, formation! Now hurry. Were losing our tactical advantage as we sit here and talk.

NORMA: What do you think? Should we go for aesthetic value? I mean, line the men upsymmetrically or something like that?

BOB: [Furious] You Pavlovian sycophant capitalist dog! We must seize upon our opportunity atonce! Here, Ill handle it. [Aside to the audience] Women in combat. Let me rephrase that:

Women with periodontitis in combat! [Turns to his troops, in a bold and martial voice] Up men,

and to your posts! Today we dismantle Cambria.

SOLDIER 1: How do you reckon were gonna get there?

BOB: Why, across this pond if we have to!

SOLDIER 2: No disrespect, Comrade Brown, but that pond couldnt hold up a mouse!

BOB: Its frozen, isnt it?

SOLDIER 2: Yeah, but its nearly 60 degrees and has been for almost a week!

BOB: I admit it strikes me as a bit odd that this pond should be frozen, but we shall cross it!


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SOLDIER 2: No disrespect, but I wouldnt trust you to cross a bridge made of reinforced

concrete!

BOB: [Irate] I will not tolerate this insolence. Soldier, out on the ice and test it! Now! Test it!

[SOLDIER 2 gets up and moves out cautiously in front toward the pond, while BOB turns back

and exclaims to the rest] If he drowns, he dies! If he crosses, we all follow! To your feet, men!For the honor of Al Gansee and the glory of our socialist state....

SOLDIER 2: [From the far edge of the stage, mutters to himself] Well, Ill be a durned capitalistpig.[Yelling back] Feels sturdy as a rock to me!

BOB: Then, forward! Forward, men of Algansee! Forward, and we shall seize Cambria! [His

voice and his legs weaken, as he loses his balance and falls over, dizzy and hyperventilating]

NORMA: [Panicking shrieks] Aah! Aah! [Drops down and places her left ear on BOBs chest]

Hes not breathing! Hes not breathing! [Concerned, HIRAM drops to one knee and begins to

look over the prone, portly figure, while SOLDIER 2 retraces his steps and retreats to join thecrowd]

HIRAM: [Coolly, and with determination] Back in formation! Loyal sons of Algansee, your

mission is not over! We have not yet begun to fight... [Losing his composure a bit] So dont

leave!

SOLDIER 1: Where would we go?

HIRAM: [Discombobulated] No matter! Just, just dont! [Begins slapping BOB and pouring

handfuls of snow in his face, as though to rouse him] Give him a few minutes, everybody.

[Pauses, rises to his feet, then speaks dryly and nonchalantly] The assault will continue.

SOLDIER 1: What are we gonna do?

SOLDIER 2: We could sing a song to kill some time.

NORMA: What a terrific idea!

SOLDIER 1: [Begins to sing a familiar tune] In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleepstonight.

BOB: [Seated, awake, in a classic countertenor] Whoo-oo, whoo-oo-oo-ooo. [The crowd

breaks up in laughter simultaneously, as HIRAM and NORMA aid BOB to his feet] Okay, okay.

[Turns to NORMA] Are we ready to go?

NORMA: Sweets, are you all right? I thought you were you were

BOB: Theres no time for that now. We have work to do! Tell me, are we ready to go?


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NORMA: Everyone is accounted for, sweets, I mean, Comrade Bob. Squads are organized and

ready to take their respective targets. [Losing formality] This is it, then

BOB: Forward, men of Algansee! To Cambria and victory! [The army rushes forward to the

far edge of the stage, but before they can get there, they are headed off by CHIEF B

HUNTER, wearing a mauve satin dress and holding an elongated cigarette holder between hisfingers] What the--?

HUNTER: So gentlemen, out for a walk today?

NORMA: [Her jaw hanging agape] Whats that? [As her gums start to bleed, she reaches out tocover her mouth, and turns away]

BOB: Who are you?

HUNTER: [Pulls a billfold from his handbag and holds it up] B. Hunter, Federal Bureau of

Investigation, Special Domestic Cases Assignment Chief, Chicago office. [Two G-MEN enterbehind him]

BOB: [Impatiently, but politely] Comrade Hunter with a long title, how may we oblige you?

HUNTER: Just curious, my boy. What are all these men doing here?

BOB: [Thinking on his feet] Let me be honest and up front with you. These men and I are

practicing to re-enact the Battle of the Bulge. It's sort of a yearly tradition here. Theres what

you might call a large Belgian population round these parts and

HUNTER: [With a sassy guffaw] Oh, is that so?

BOB: [Obviously fibbing] Yes Actually, yes.

HUNTER: [Shyly clenching his skirt] Did you hear the explosion a little while ago?

BOB: [Coyly] Explosion?

HUNTER: Looked like some sort of rocket shell might have come from this direction. [Finally

having caught BOB without any response, he decides to play all his cards] Mr. Brown, the only

Battle of the Bulge going on here is the battle with your waistline.

BOB: So you know my name? [HUNTER nods, gestures to the G-MEN. They come forward

ready to arrest BOB and his higher-ranking associates. Desperation sets in] You wear ladies

clothes. You pansy! You yellow-bellied pansy! Are you a girl or a man? So whats your color--pink or purple? Ha, ha! Wait, youve got a run in your stockings! Hee, hee! Whered you get

such a beautiful figure? Victors Secrets? Ha! . . .


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HUNTER: [Winces, pouts, then tears begin to come down his face] Now look, my mascara is

running!

BOB and NORMA: [Shrugging their shoulders] Sorry?

HUNTER: [To the G-MEN] What are you waiting for? Arrest and seize them immediately!

The sound of multiple police sirens can be heard in the background. Panic ensues among therank and file.

SOLDIER 2: Run away, run away! [Fleeing with the other soldiers off stage left]

BOB: No, wait! Maintain order! Maintain order, I say! To the trucks and regroup! Regroup andre-form we must take Cambria!

HUNTER: [Aside, to G-MAN 1] Strange people in these parts!

G-MAN 1: [Distracted from apprehending BOB] Yes, sir. And might I say you look stunning in

pink! [Seizing the moment of distraction, BOB began to flee after his men]

HUNTER: Its mauve, Peterson. Dont you forget it! [Notices BOB fleeing] After him!

HUNTER and the two G-MEN take off after BOB, but out of the blue NORMA throws herself

between them, knocking the high-heeled HUNTER over. The two G-MEN turn away from thechase. One aids his chief to his feet, while the other puts NORMA in handcuffs. HUNTER rises

unsteadily and brushes off his mussed dress.

NORMA: You know, that really is more suited for evening wear.

HUNTER: Silly woman. This is Hubert de Givenchy you can wear it any time.

NORMA: If you say so. Fancy tastes, I guess. [Gazes off in the distance BOB fled, smirking

proudly to know she has helped her paramour to escape]

HUNTER: [Following NORMAs gaze, turns to his G-MEN] Fools, you let Brown escape!

NORMA: [As G-MAN 2 escorts her offstage in cuffs] All hail, Al Gansee!

HUNTER: [Collaring G-MAN 1, removing his high heels] To the car, Peterson.

EXEUNT.

Scene 7: 5:15 PM, Thursday, February 22, 1962. Downtown Cambria. The backdrop is dark,

as the audience only sees a pair of spotlights, one each on AL GANSEE and JOHN DAVIDSON,


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seated atop the vintage World War One reproduction tank as it slowly barrels toward downtownCambria. The mood is tense. No one speaks a word, but JOHN hums Chopins Funeral March

at first in quiet tones, gradually crescendoing to an annoyingly overbearing pitch.

AL: [Tersely] Enough of that! [JOHN stops humming. AL pauses, recites meditatively]

Much Madness is divinest Sense--

To a discerning Eye--Much Sense--the starkest Madness--

'Tis the Majority

In this, as All, prevail--Assent--and you are sane--

Demur--you're straightway dangerous--

And handled with a Chain--

Maybe this one is more appropriate.

Tell all the Truth but tell it slant--Success in Circuit lies

Too bright for our infirm Delight

The Truth's superb surpriseAs Lightning to the Children eased

With explanation kind

The Truth must dazzle graduallyOr every man be blind

[Glancing over, he sees JOHN studying him with a strange curiosity] Emily Dickinson.

JOHN: [Blankly] Oh. Never met her.

AL: [Mildly annoyed] Nor I. [In command] Stay focused. [Pause] Cambria is just around the

bend now. Its the same feeling I had before I spoke to everyone at the Elks Lodge that night,more than a year ago now. [As JOHN nods, his spotlight fades. AL is lost in his thoughts. He

hops down from the tank and speaks directly to the crowd, re-enacting the speech 13 monthsearlier that ushered him to power]

Today we heard the Irish mobsters son speak of a distant Camelot as he ascended to power in

Washington. He spoke boldly and optimistically about the need for sacrifice. About something

greater than the individual. Yet in his brashness, he showed his blindness to the collectivistdream, the true dream. Its a dream we can realize, a dream we can share. A vision so

misunderstood and misaligned it has taken a thousand dirty slanders from the greedy capitalist

pigdogs who live to keep us all in ignorance, in rags, in poverty, in despair.

We need not listen to them. And the dream need not be ours alone. Oh, believe me, you must

believe me: Southland Springs can be a shining beacon of hope. From miles around our


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neighbors can be witnesses to the glorious fact that we have found the dream. If you follow me,

if you heed my words, that dream can be ours.

Friends and fellow citizens, we have come here today a little peckish for the catch of the sea. Or

perhaps a little peckish to win that bingo jackpot. But these things, as glorious and fulfilling as

they may be, cannot satisfy the deepest longings of mans soulequality and brotherhood. Whyshould there be poverty in this beautiful community while a few live in complete luxury? Take,

for example, Mayor Lindemanor Mr. Causland who runs the lumber mill. Their children have

the finer things in life, as their struggles and toils cannot hold a candle to those of you, thecommon man. The common man is what matters!

Why should we let such disparity in wealth provoke such jealousy when peacefulness and

brotherhood and unity should be the landmarks of Southland Springs? Friends, I want a betterSouthland Springs. Friends, you want a better Southland Springs. Why cant we have a better

Southland Springs? Are we trapped in the status quo?

[Bows his head reverently, takes a deep breath, then looks in the audiences eyes once more, analmost superhuman confidence writ large on his face]

Let me paraphrase the words written by a great man. We disdain to conceal our views and aims.

We openly declare that our ends can be attained only by the forcible overthrow of all existing

social conditions. Let the ruling classes tremble at our revolution. We have nothing to lose but

our chains. We have a world to gain. Workers of Southland Springs, unite!

[Bringing down his raised fist, AL climbs back aboard the tank and rejoins the present, as

JOHNs spotlight comes back up]

JOHN: What is it, Chief Comrade?

AL: [Smiles reflectively] Another great historic moment is upon us.

JOHN: [After a silent pause, tries to bring back the focus onto the task at hand] As you said,Comrade Bob has succeeded at his part. Now all we must do is secure the last two main

intersections, and

AL: [With a sweeping gesture] And Cambria will be ours!

While AL gazes heavenward, JOHN hops off the tank. Stage lights come up to reveal thedowntown Cambria corridor, the Baptist Church at far stage left, and in the background (from

left to right) the one-story Cambr

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Al Gansee: The Shot Heard 'Round Cambria

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