Do you respect yourself? If so, how do you know that you do? And most importantly, why should you?
A few weeks ago, I had the extraordinary pleasure of attending an annual luncheon sponsored by a large women’s organization in our community. What makes this gathering so special is the opportunity to meet and connect with high school girls who are working towards attending college after graduation. This diverse gathering of young females has been identified by their respective high school counselors as the first in their families to pursue an education beyond high school. For most of them, setting such a goal is very much against them as the challenges in their home environments and communities are very real. As I anxiously awaited the arrival of the young girl who was to be partnered with me, I thought about how much I wanted to encourage her, support her, and inspire her to work towards her dreams. Little did I know that she was already giving herself a gift that would carry her further than any words of mine.
As the high school girls entered the large community college auditorium and made their way over to the tables, I could feel the excitement in the room grow. Each young woman found her assigned seat which had been previously labeled for her. A tall slender girl, with shiny dark-hair, striking green eyes, and a smooth olive complexion, quietly approached my table while double-checking her place-card. While sensing her shyness, I spoke softly as I welcomed her.
“Hi, are you Alejandra?” As she nodded, I smiled and replied, “Welcome. My name is Holli.”
Alejandra gracefully slid into her chair, removed her scarf and coat, and sat silently keeping her gaze slightly downward. Wanting to remain sensitive to Alejandra’s apparent shyness, I moved cautiously into my questioning while reassuring her that she was free to refrain from answering any questions. Looking at me for the first time eye to eye, Alejandra smiled and softly exhaled a sigh of relief.
I began our exchange with safe conversation starters about Alejandra’s experiences in high school. I learned that as a sophomore, Alejandra remained extremely focused in her studies. She struggled with math and science, but she excelled in art and English. When I asked her if she had any photos of her art work, she quickly retrieved her phone from her coat. It was while sharing her work with me that I witnessed a transformation in Alejandra. Her green eyes sparkled and her voice gained in strength and intensity. As she stroked her phone, sliding through the extraordinarily crafted black and white abstract animal sketches, I was stunned by her level of ability and talent. I learned how Alejandra’s art teacher entered many of her pieces into competitions and how she was already receiving awards and recognition for her work. As we continued to explore Alejandra’s successes in both art as well as in English, I could sense a level of comfort developing between us. As she replaced her phone into her coat pocket, I asked her permission to inquire about her family.
With much more confidence in her voice, Alejandra shared how she lived with her grandmother. She did not know anything about her father. Although raised on the East Coast, she and her mom moved to Arizona when she was much younger. Without divulging the details, Alejandra briefly explained that she had been living with her grandmother for several years and it was best this way. Her face lit up as she talked about her grandmother, her two best friends – a girl and a guy – and the love of her life – her horse. As we continued to talk, I was moved by an incredible sense of grounding in this young lady.
Given the obstacles in her life, somehow she had developed an inner strength that far surpassed most young people her age. With caution, I asked Alejandra’s permission again, to ask a more personal question. She agreed.
“Alejandra, who or what motivates you to remain as focused and driven as you are?”
Without pausing, she responded. “My grandmother and my horse.” And then she continued. “My grandmother works so hard to take care of me. I don’t want to let her down. I want to do everything I can to make her proud of me… I love her so much.” Her eyes lowered as she composed herself. “And my horse. Taking care of him and working at the stables is a lot of work and responsibility, but I love him too. And aside from my art work, when I am out riding… I feel free…”
Wanting to probe a little deeper, I asked Alejandra a question that always interests me about young people. “Alejandra, if I’ve heard you correctly, you don’t seem to participate in some of typical teenage at-risk behaviors that other high school kids engage in….is that right? And if so, may I ask, why is that?”
Alejandra turned and looked at me. Her voice was steady and strong. “Holli, most of the kids at school drink, do drugs, and are in relationships. I know so many girls who are in abusive relationships, getting beat up by their boyfriends and who are afraid to break up with them…. I know lots of kids – girls and guys – who cut themselves. It is out of control. They start out doing it for fun or cause everyone else is doing it…and it gets worse and worse. And…there are so many girls who are bulimic or anorexic…it is crazy. They are starving themselves … they think they are fat when they don’t look like the girls on TV or the movies.” Alejandra took in a deep breath. “It’s all messed up….”
I waited and asked. “What keeps you from doing those things?”
Without hesitation, Alejandra responded, “I respect myself too much.” I waited for more. She continued. “Holli, I am not judging my friends or the other kids, but I don’t want to be like them. When they do all that stuff that hurts them, they don’t respect their bodies or their minds. They are
deliberately hurting themselves…they are disrespecting themselves…and so other people don’t respect them either. I learned a long time ago that if I don’t’ respect myself, then who will?”
Astounded by Alejandra’s depth of insight and level of self-awareness and given the personal challenges she endured, I needed to probe one more time. “Alejandra, how did you begin to respect yourself when there were so many things in your young life that hurt you?”
Alejandra’s green eyes softened and watered. “When my grandma took me in four years ago, she was the first person who said she believed in me…. She told me that over and over again. After a while, I started believing in myself…and over the past few years as that belief grew, I felt my self-respect start to take hold.” She smiled and added, “And now, I won’t allow anyone or anything to mess that up. I’ve learned the more I respect myself, the more it gives back to me! Every day, I get stronger and stronger. And every day, I become more determined to achieve my goals and live out my dreams.”
Dislodging the lump in my throat, I spoke. “I have absolutely no doubt, Alejandra, you will do just that.”
In closing, as Alejandra taught us, respect must start within each one of us. No matter what our challenges are or what difficulties we face, we can choose the gift of self-respect. It is a gift that we can begin giving to ourselves, a little at a time, each and every day. It is a gift that as we give it to ourselves, it will give back to us, again and again. We must be brave enough to believe we are worth it.
