Almost Engaged (7)

8/20/2019 Almost Engaged (7)

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ALMOST ENGAGED

(Pilot) "Strawberry Ice Cream"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2016



INT. PHIL & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (DEN) - NIGHT

PHIL (30) is sitting on the sofa, and pulling a Fruit RollUp off of its plastic wrapper. RACHEL (28) is sitting nearhim, filing her nails. Sh looks at Phil.

RACHEL

Do you have to eat Fruit Roll Upsevery day?

PHILWhat’s wrong with Fruit Roll Ups?

RACHELThere’s nothing wrong with them. Ijust figured that since you justturned 30, you might want to makethe transition to eating actualfruit.

PHILHoney. I’m pretty sure that somereally smart guy invented FruitRoll Ups, in order to make actualfruit obsolete.

RACHELFine. Can I have half of your FruitRoll Up?

PHILOf course you can. I love you.

He tears the Fruit Roll Up in two, and gives her one half.

RACHELI love you, too.

PHILI think we’re having a reallyromantic moment.

He starts eating his Fruit Roll Up.

PHILWe should probably have sex now.

RACHELWell. The Fruit Roll Up is a realturn on. But you know what’s not areal turn on? The fact that I sawyour ex-girlfriend ten minutes agoduring the elevator ride up here.



2.

PHILI’m not sure what you mean.

RACHELI mean, maybe we should move toanother building, so I won’t have

to keep running into her.

He walks over to a drawer, pulls out a checkbook, and opensit.

PHILLook at that number.

RACHELI’m looking.

PHILIs it 1100?

RACHELIt’s 600.

PHIL$600 a month. For this palace.

RACHELIt’s a one bedroom apartment with aleaky faucet.

PHILAnd it’s worth $1100 a month. But

I’ve built eight years worth ofrent control, which is why I onlypay 600.

RACHELPhil. This is my checkbook. I’m theone who’s been paying rent forthe last three months.

PHILBut I’m the one with eight yearsworth of rent control.

RACHELI’m the one whose rent is beingcontrolled.

PHILI’m the one who paid rent for eightyears before your three months.



3.

RACHELWell then, I guess I’m living everygirl’s dream. After all, I’mshacked up with an unemployedboyfriend who used to pay his rentbefore I moved in with him.Awesome. Wait’ll I tell my friends.

She takes out her phone and has an imaginary conversation onit.

RACHELDenise. You know how you’re marriedto an investment banker who buysyou jewelry and BMWs? Wellguess what? I live in myboyfriend’s one bedroom palace, andI’ve only been paying his rent forthe last three months.

He takes the phone from her, and has his own imaginaryconversation.

PHILDenise. You know how your husbandis a whiny, annoying jackass? Wellguess what? I’m not a whiny,annoying jackass. Enjoy your BMW,bitch.

He puts the phone down.

RACHEL

Phil. Let me just ask you this. Areyou glad that I live here with you?

PHILOf course I am. I love you.Remember the Fruit Roll Up?

He grabs her close and kisses her.

PHILBy the way--can I borrow $50?

She grabs her purse and takes out a $100 bill.

RACHELHere’s $100. Use it to buy $100worth of groceries. Adult food. NoFruit Roll Ups.

He takes the $100 bill.



4.

PHILOK. Now can you give me $50 for aprostitute?

RACHELIf you want $50 for a prostitute,

get a job and use your own money.Now go buy some groceries.

She takes his hand and leads him to the frond door and opensit.

RACHELRight now.

She pushes him out and closes the door.

INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY - NIGHT

TAYLOR (female, 25) is walking through the intersectinghallway.

RACHEL(shouting from inside theapartment)

And while you’re at thesupermarket, why don’t you applyfor a job there?!

TAYLORUm. Hi, Phil.

Phil turns and sees her.

PHILHi, Taylor.

TAYLORSo how’s the job hunt going?

PHILHow’s the gold digging going?

TAYLORI’m not a gold digger.

He points to her Cartier watch.

PHILWho bought that watch for you? Yourboyfriend?



5.

TAYLORWho paid your rent? Yourgirlfriend?

PHILTouche.

TAYLORWhy don’t you move to anotherbuilding, so we won’t have to keepbumping in to each other? It’sbecause you’re still in love withme--isn’t it?

PHILThe only thing I’m in love withhere is my rent control.

TAYLOR

What about your girlfriend?

PHILHer, too.

TAYLORWhatever.

PHILWhatever.

She walks through the hall and to her apartment.

Phil takes out his cell phone and calls someone.

PHIL(into cell phone)

I’m gonna go get some groceries.You wanna come?

The door right next to him opens, and BOB (30) walks outholding his cell phone.

BOB(into cell phone)

Yeah. Let’s go.

He puts away his phone.



6.

INT. CAR - DAY

Phil is driving, and Bob is in the passenger seat. TheBluetooth speakerphone is dialing.

CARL (ON SPEAKERPHONE)

Hello?

PHILMe and Bob are going groceryshopping. Do you want to come?

INT. CARL’S HOUSE - DAY

CARL (35) is on the phone, and FIONA (33) is standingseveral feet away from him.

CARL

Um. Yeah. I’ll go.

FIONAWhere? Where will you go?

CARLTo the supermarket with Phil andBob.

FIONAGood. Because I was just about totell you to get me some ice cream.Breyer’s. Strawberry.

INT. LARGE MEXICAN SUPERMARKET - DAY

Phil, Bob, and Carl walk in to a large supermarket withmostly Mexican CUSTOMERS. Phil, Bob, and Carl each grab abasket, and they walk over to the produce section.

CARLTwo pounds of jalapenos for adollar. Why would anyone want twopounds of jalapenos?

BOB(to Phil)

I don’t want to sound racist--buthow come you always shop at theMexican supermarket?



7.

PHILThis isn’t the Mexican supermarket.It’s the cheap supermarket where80% of the customers happen to beMexican jalapeno addicts.

BOBTouche. It is pretty cheap here.Their apples are even cheaper thantheir jalapenos.

Bob puts a plastic sack of apples in his basket.

BOBYou guys should get some.

PHILI only eat Fruit Roll Ups.

CARLAnd my wife doesn’t likeapples. I’m not allowed to havethem in the house.

BOBThat’s interesting. Because I’m notallowed in your house, either.

CARLYeah. My wife really doesn’t likeyou. Or people in general. Butespecially you. And my mother.

BOB(notices some plastic sacks oforanges)

Their oranges are even cheaper thantheir apples. Viva la Mexico.

He puts a sack of oranges in his basket.

CARL(to Phil)

Isn’t this the place where you metyour ex-fiance Carmen?

PHILYes, this is where I met her. Andno, she wasn’t my fiance.



8.

BOBBut you were engaged to her.

PHILOnly for two weeks. By theway--don’t tell Rachel that I’vebeen engaged. Otherwise, she might

start nudging me to propose to her.

BOBMaybe you should propose to her.

PHILMaybe you should propose to Julie.

BOBMaybe you should mind your fuckingbusiness. I’m trying to break upwith Julie.

PHILCarl--what do you think?

CARLWell. According to my wife, I’m notallowed to give relationship adviceto anyone.

(Cut to later)

Phil, Bob, and Carl walk over to the ice cream section. Carlbrowses through it. A FEMALE EMPLOYEE (30) walks by.

CARL(to Employee)

Excuse me. I can’t find anyBreyer’s strawberry ice cream.

FEMALE EMPLOYEEOh. Well. We’re out of stock. Butwe do have Blue Bell strawberry icecream.

CARLMy wife wants me to get Breyer’s.

FEMALE EMPLOYEEWe don’t have any Breyer’s left. Wehave Blue Bell.

CARLMy wife isn’t gonna eat Blue Bell.If I bring it home to her, it’lljust make her angry.



9.

FEMALE EMPLOYEEWell then, you should either go toanother supermarket, or get a newwife.

CARL

Fine. ... What are you doing latertonight? How about dinner and amovie?

FEMALE EMPLOYEEI’m married.

CARLOK. How about we go to the backroom and get busy?

FEMALE EMPLOYEEHave a nice day, asshole.

She walks away.

CARLPhil--why the hell did you take meto this supermarket? They don’thave any Breyer’s strawberry icecream, and their employees refuseto sleep with me.

BOBJust get some Blue Bell ice cream.

CARLAre you out of your mind? Rememberhow Fiona flipped out that time Ibought the wrong brand of ketchup.Ketchup! Ketchup is just some sauceshe uses once every two weeks. Icecream is her daily medication.Bringing her the wrong brand of icecream would be like bringing herLipitor instead of Clarinex.

BOBWhat you need to give her ismassive amounts of Zoloft. And ratpoison. Don’t get me wrong. She’s agreat girl and all. But you need tokill her.



10.

EXT. SUPERMARKET 2 - NIGHT

Bob, Phil, and Carl walk into another supermarket.

INT. SUPERMARKET 2 - DAY

PHILSo this is what the whiteman’s market looks like.

BOBYes, kimosabe.

They walk over to the produce section.

PHILJalapenos--$2.49 a pound? I can’t

afford that on my girlfriend’ssalary.

They walk to the ice cream section. Carl browses through it.

CARLThey don’t have it, either.

An MALE EMPLOYEE walks by.

CARL(to Employee)

Excuse me. I’m looking for Breyer’s

Strawberry Ice Cream.

MALE EMPLOYEEI’m terribly sorry, sir--but ourdistributor is dealing with astrike, so we didn’t get our normalshipment of frozen foods. We won’tget any more ice cream untiltomorrow.

CARLBut my wife wants Breyer’sstrawberry ice cream tonight.

MALE EMPLOYEEWell.

(browses through the ice creamin stock)

We have Haagen Dasz and Blue Bellstrawberry ice cream.



11.

CARL... Are you married?

MALE EMPLOYEEYes.

CARLWhat would happen if your wife sentyou out for Breyer’s strawberry icecream, and you came back with BlueBell?

MALE EMPLOYEEI don’t think she’d care. And Idon’t think she’d send me out toget ice cream, like I’m herdelivery guy.

CARL

Well, if she’s not busy tonight,can I take her out for dinner and amovie?

EXT. SUPERMARKET 3 - NIGHT

Bob, Phil, and Carl walk into another large supermarket.

INT. SUPERMARKET 3 - NIGHT

They walk over to the ice cream section. Carl browses

through it.

CARLThey don’t have it either.

An EMPLOYEE walks by.

CARL(to Employee 2)

Excuse me. I’m looking for Breyer’sStrawberry Ice Cream.

EMPLOYEEOh. It looks like we’re all out.

CARLBut I called you in advance. Yousaid you had one left in stock.



12.

EMPLOYEEWell. I guess someone bought it.

CARLWho?

EMPLOYEEI don’t know.

CARLYou can find out. You have thoseclub card things that keep track ofwho buys what. Just give me thephone number of whoever bought theice cream.

EMPLOYEESir--I’m afraid I can’t help youwith that. But we do have some Blue

Bell strawberry ice cream.

CARLNobody wants any Blue fucking Bellice cream--OK?! Especially not mywife.

BOB(to Employee)

Excuse me. Do you guys have any ratpoison in stock?

INT. CAR - NIGHT

Phil (driver), Bob (passenger seat), and Carl (backseat)

PHILOK. Well. We got Haagen Dasz andBlue Bell strawberry ice cream.

CARLYeah. Hopefully when you mix themtogether, it tastes like Breyer’s.

PHILHow about you just tell your wifethat you’re not her personal icecream man.

CARLI’m not her personal ice cream man.



13.

PHILSay that to Fiona.

CARLI will. I mean, I would. But, I’mnot in the mood for a two hour long

fight over ice cream.

BOBThen just give her the rat poison.


Phil walks in holding a few grocery bags.

RACHELWhat took you so long?

PHILI spent 45 minutes at thesupermarket, and 45 minutes withthe prostitute. Don’t worry,though. I know we’re on abudget--so I didn’t tip theprostitute.

RACHEL45 minutes? You’ve never lastedmore than 10 minutes in bed.

PHIL

OK. You caught me. there was noprostitute. Me and the guys spendan hour and a half goingfrom market to market, looking forBreyer’s strawberry ice cream.

RACHELGreat. Let’s have some.

PHILWell. I didn’t buy any. Carl boughtice cream for Fiona. I bought grownup food.

She looks in the bag, and takes out a box of cereal.

RACHELFrankenberry cereal?



14.

PHILThe commercial says it’s part of acomplete breakfast.

INT. CARL’S HOUSE - DAY

Carl walks in. Fiona walks up to him.

FIONAIce cream.

CARLI got it. Right here.

He hands her a bag. She looks inside of it.

FIONAI don’t see Breyer’s in here.

CARLThere’s a strike.

FIONAWhat are you talking about?

CARLYou see, the supermarket’sdistributor--they have some workerson strike. So they didn’t sendout the usual shipment of icecream. So no one had any Breyer’s

strawberry ice cream in stock.

She looks inside the bag again.

FIONAWhat the fuck is this? Blue Bell?

CARLAnd Haagen Dasz.

FIONAHave you ever in your life seen meeating Haagen Dasz ice cream? And Idon’t even know what the hell BlueBell is.

CARLI looked up Blue Bell on theinternet. It’s the most popularbrand of ice cream in the US.



15.

FIONAWell. Maybe Blue Bell is popular inthe South, where people also chewtobacco and marry their cousins.Let me ask you a question, Carl.Do I look like a tobacco chewing

redneck who eats Blue Bell icecream after having sex with hercousin?

CARLHoney. There’s a strike.

FIONAThere’s no such thing as an icecream distributor’s strike.

CARLWhat--you think I made it up?

FIONAI don’t know. Did you?

CARLWhy would I? Honey--I brought youtwo different types of strawberryice cream. I’m sure you’ll like oneof them.

FIONACarl. If there’s one thing you needto know about me, it’s that I’m a

Breyer’s girl.

CARLOne thing? I need to know a millionthings about you, just to getthrough day-to-day life with you.

FIONAAre you saying I’m highmaintenance?

CARLAre you saying you’re not highmaintenance?

FIONAOf course I’m not high maintenance.

CARLFine. You’re not high maintenance.There’s nothing high maintenance

(MORE)



16.

CARL (cont’d)about you rejecting two differentkinds of strawberry ice cream. AllI’m saying is that I kind of wantto shove one pint of Blue Bellstrawberry ice cream right downyour low maintenance throat.


The phone rings.

PHILHello? ... Uh. Yeah.

He presses a button on the phone.

PHILThat was Carl. He’s coming up here.

RACHELWhy?

PHILI don’t know.

The doorbell rings. Phil opens the door to reveal Carlholding a toothbrush.

CARLHey.

PHILWhy are you holding a toothbrush?

CARLIs it cool if I crash here tonight?Me and Fiona got into a fight.

Phil looks at Rachel. He looks back at Carl.

PHILUh. Yeah. Come in.

Carl walks in.

PHILHi, Rachel.

RACHEL(unenthusiastically)

Hi, Carl.



17.

PHIL(to Carl)

So what did you two fight aboutthis time?

CARL

Breyer’s strawberry ice cream.

PHILI should’ve figured.

RACHEL(to Carl)

Ice cream? You’re here because of afight about ice cream?

CARLYeah.

RACHELNo. You’re not staying here becauseof some dumb fight like that.

PHILRachel. My policy is that if myfriend gets into a fight with hiswife, he can stay at my apartment.

RACHELWell. My policy is "fuck yourpolicy." An ice cream fight isn’t alegitimate fight.

CARLWell. It wasn’t just about icecream. I might’ve called Fiona highmaintenance, and suggested that shetake medication.

RACHELSo what? That’s what couples do. Meand Phil tell each other to takemedication all the time. And we’renot even married yet.

PHILWhat do you mean "yet?"

RACHELWhat do you mean "what do I mean?"



18.

PHILWhen you say we’re not married yet,you’re implying that we’re engagedto be married.

RACHEL

(offended)Well, excuse me. I didn’t mean toimply that. I just said "yet,"because we’ve been living togetherfor six months, so I thought ourrelationship status was in thegeneral area of "we’re not marriedyet." Thank you for flipping out atthe mere idea of being engaged tome.

PHILI didn’t flip out.

RACHELYou stopped the conversation, andput a spotlight on how we’re in noway, shape, or form, engaged.

PHILI was just saying. You said thatwe’re not married yet.

RACHELDo you think I even want to marryyou? I don’t. You know what? Just

get the fuck out of my apartment,Phil.

PHILRachel. Don’t get crazy.

RACHELGet out.

PHILWhat do you mean get out? Where amI supposed to go?

RACHELWhy don’t you go stay with yourex-girlfriend who’s five doors downfrom us?

PHILWell. Maybe I will.



19.

RACHELYou better not!

PHILWell then where should I go?

RACHELGo stay with your best friend who’sthree doors down from us.

PHILI can’t. Bob’s out on a date. Andhe might need his place later.

RACHELWell then go to Carl’s house.

PHILCarl is here. Next to me.

(motions towards Carl)See?

Rachel looks at Carl. Carl waves at Rachel.

PHILHe got into a fight withFiona--remember?

RACHELYes. I remember. He got into thatstupid fight about ice cream.

(to Carl)

Are you listening to this, Carl?Are you listening to me and Phil?We’re having a legitimatefight. We’re not fighting aboutsome dumb shit, like Breyer’sstrawberry ice cream. This is alegitimate fight.

CARLUm. OK. Do you want me to takenotes?

RACHEL(to Phil)

Time to go, Phil.

PHILFine! I’m going!



20.

CARL(to Rachel)

Do I get to stay?

RACHELNo!

INT. CARL’S APARTMENT HALLWAY - NIGHT

Carl and Phil are holding toothbrushes and standing outsidean apartment. Carl rings the doorbell. Fiona opens the door.She looks at them.

FIONA(to Carl)(referring to Phil)

What the fuck is he doing here?

CARLUm. Well. He’s gonna be our...relationship therapist.

FIONAWhy’s he holding a toothbrush?

CARLWell. Um. It’s symbolic. He’s gonnaclean our relationship.

PHILYeah. I’m gonna remove all of your

relationship’s plaque and tartar.

FIONA(to Phil and Carl)

Are you guys high?

CARLHoney. Can we come in?

FIONAWhatever.

They walk in.

FIONASo you came back here to make upwith me--but you didn’t bring anyBreyer’s strawberry ice cream?



21.

CARLHere we go again with the Breyer’sstrawberry ice cream! Honey.There’s a strike!

(to Phil)Tell her, Phil.

FIONA(to Phil)

Shut your mouth, Phil.

CARL(to Phil)

She wants me to get Breyer’sstrawberry ice cream, even thoughthere’s none for sale. You werethere with me. There was noBreyer’s strawberry ice creamanywhere.

(to Fiona)Plus, I’m not your personal icecream man!

(to Phil)Right?

FIONA(to Phil)

Shut your mouth, Phil.(to Carl)

Why does your friend get to be ourtherapist? He’s gonna side withyou.

CARLWell at least let him say somethingfirst. You told him to shut hismouth before he even opened hismouth.

FIONAWhy the hell would I listen toanything Phil has to say aboutrelationships? He’s been livingwith Rachel for six months, andthey’re not even engaged yet.

PHILWhat is all this "yet" bullshit Ikeep hearing?

FIONAWhat are you talking about?



22.

PHILWhen you say that we’re not engagedyet, you make it sound like weformally announced some sort ofpre-engagement, and that we’recommitted to an engagement.

FIONA(to Carl)

You see? He won’t even let someoneimply that he might be pre-engaged.And you want him to be ourtherapist?

(to Phil)Phil--you better get out of here,before I take that toothbrush andshove it right up your ass.

CARL

Listen, honey. Phil is abroad-minded guy. Just let him saywhat he thinks about us. And thenif you don’t like it, you can goahead and give him a rectal exam.

FIONAFine.

(to Phil)Go ahead, Phil--you fucking idiot.

PHIL... OK. First of all, I’d like to

thank the two of you for choosingto make me your therapist for theevening. Now, um, about theBreyer’s strawberry ice creamargument. I think that althoughFiona would in fact like someBreyer’s strawberry ice cream, whatshe’s really saying is that she’dlike you to listen to her more. Ingeneral. Just, you know--when shetalks about whatever. Carl--youshould listen to her more.

CARLPhil. Shut your mouth.

FIONACarl--listen to your friend. Heknows what he’s talking about.



23.

CARL(to Phil)

OK. So you think I need to listenmore. Do you have any suggestionsfor Fiona?

PHILYes. I have two suggestions forher.

(to Fiona)One--eat the Blue Bell strawberryice cream; and two--stop being sucha pain in the ass.


Phil is holding a bag and walking through the hallway.He sees Bob going into his apartment.

PHILBob.

BOBHey. Uh. Where were you?

PHILUh. Long story. How did your datego?

BOBLong story.

PHILAlright. Later.

BOBLater.

Bob walks into his apartment. Phil walks to his apartmentand opens the door.


Phil sees Rachel sitting on the sofa watching TV.

PHILHi.

She looks at him.



24.

RACHELWhere’s your toothbrush?

PHILIts, uh, lodged in my anus. Can Icome in?

RACHELNo.

PHILI brought ice cream.

RACHELGreat. Why don’t you put it in youranus, right next to yourtoothbrush?

He walks in and closes the door.

PHILIt’s vanilla.

RACHELYour anus is vanilla?

PHILNo. The ice cream. It’s vanilla. Icould’ve gottenan unopened container of strawberryice cream from Carl’s house--but Iwent to the store and bought

vanilla. Because that’s yourfavorite flavor.

RACHELMy favorite flavor is chocolate.

PHILWell. Yeah. But I didn’t know that.So I got vanilla. Blue Bellvanilla.

He walks to the kitchenette and scoops some ice cream in abowl. He walks to the living room, sits down next to Rachel,and puts the bowl on the table. Rachel stares at him for a afew seconds. She then picks up the bowl and eats spoonful ofice cream.

RACHELIt’s good.



25.

PHILLook. I’ve been thinking. You know.I love you. And we’ve been livingtogether for a while. And, althoughI’m not ready to get engaged, I amwilling to take our relationship to

the next level.

RACHELWhich is...

PHILI want to get pre-pre-engaged.

RACHELWhat the hell does that mean?

PHILYou know. We’ll be

pre-pre-engaged. As in, we won’tbe engaged, or pre-engaged--but ifsomeone indirectly mentionssomething about an engagement, Iwon’t stop the conversation and goout of my way to say we’re notengaged or pre-engaged.

RACHELI see.

PHILI would’ve gotten you a pre-pre

engagement ring--but they didn’thave any at the supermarket. Theydid have those vending machineswhere you put in 50 cents and get atoy--but only a few of the toyswere rings.

He takes a small ball out of his pocket.

PHILI ended up with a bouncy ball.

RACHELYou know what? As idiotic as apre-pre engagement sounds, Iactually appreciate the gesture.And the ice cream.

She takes the ball out of his hand.



26.

RACHELAnd the bouncy ball.

PHILYou love me--don’t you?

RACHELYes. I love my pre-pre fiance.

PHILUh. Right. Yeah. About that. Um.Even though we’re pre-pre engaged,I don’t think you should call meyour pre-pre fiance. Because thatmakes it sound like we’redefinitely gonna get engaged.


Close up on Bob’s front door. The door opens to reveal Bobinside. The camera changes and shows Phil standing on theother side, holding a toothbrush.

PHILCan I crash at your place tonight?

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Almost Engaged (7)

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