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AMIC Advanced Editorial Workshop for SeniorWomen Journalists : Dhaka, Mar 11‑22, 1990 : [twostories : examples of rural stories, as written andedited, with editing marks and comments]
1990
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Two Stories: Examples Of Rural Stories, As Written And Edited, With Editing Marks And Comments
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TWO STORIES EXAMPLES OF RURAL STORIES, AS WRITTEN AND EDITED, WITH EDITING MARKS AND COMMENTS
new MADRAS (India) - AiggttvgStlal conservation programme in
India is trying to eliminate one of the main pitfalls of potential
environmental projects - the clash of interests between
local people and BBBggBMBBBaBBBBamBB plants and animals
protected. welve are to be established,
'biosphere reserves^" says official A
Nalni Dhar Jayal, ro^He^ unique areas of flora and fauna
which "provide us with a genetic base to conserve our plants
and animals." And he stresses: "The uniqueness of this
effort is that it does not exclude Man from the conservation
effort." eject Rather than
projects, the .authorities will try to learn from their
from as usually happens in such l o c a l peopleJBBBBEB t h e a r e a , .
T expertise ^
Vague use of Be specific
B^^m People who inhabit the .says Jayal, a director of the Indian National Trust for Arts and Cultural Heritage,
region "probably know more about what needs to be done" than A
outside experts. Three other reserves are to follow Nilgiris, the first project, shortly.
) X U C
(Thn ESS
they i f
remaining eight will be launched I succeed, t h e g
Each B a ^ a r a i s
;eiided to protect a different type of ecological zone.
(more)
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STORY ONE
( n i l g i r i s . planned
Nanda Devi, one of the next reserves,i33SE§3f>J=aM! is
&!^geXy^ompo^edJ5f coniferous forest. Uttarkhand (the
Valley of Flowers) in Uttar Pradesh is P^mposedBOf? a
mountain valley.
Later reserves include the tropical Andaman Islands;
the Gulf of Mannar, a southern bay rich in marine life; which are home to India's rhinos:
Kaziranga and Mannas, are grassy forestsAwnerelEtie lastARhiho A bordering Bangladesh where
I roam; the Sundarbans>is estuary swamp With the last of the roam;
Royal Bengal Tigers;, the Thar,is the only desert on the A
subcontinent; Kanha,is ravine-ravaged forests in dry central A
India; and Nokrek,'is hill forests in the midst of temperate A
plains.
Twenty[different tribal groups inhabit Nilgiris. Says
Jayal: "The tribals in these forest areas live a life of
total balance with nature. The tribals understand the
forest and live in harmony with it. They do not destroy
anything. They take what they want - food, water, medicine,
material for shelter - in exactly the quantity they require.
Nothing is wasted and the forests are able to rejuvenate
themselves."
The effort to establish a rapport between the visiting
scientists and administrators and the people who inhabit —' act as a guide to later attempts.
Nilgiris' mountain forests wil^be^watchedScarefuiaySto' discoveriwhether they areAthe';right,£s^ learning'process and whether^the"^
square kilometres, Silent Valley and its surroundings, 2020Ate.q"2krnSr3 will
be the core {zone of the project, fch"emVas€^disteuxb^'d^one carefully
(that£wlll£be protected 'even more and studied in greater A It is
detail by the scientists. Silent "^Valley, the last remaining
virgin forest in the Western Ghats, and {which was recently potentially damaging the of
saved from several.projects by aiLoutcry ffr"6m.
conservationists';
[alitKSS^fexe^Ji^i^rt
Si^na^allcalilbe^fourid. more)
Very wordy paragraph.
The final learning process is a vague term. Say what you mean
Write out distances and measures on first reference, or check with house style
Be careful in use of words like ecosystem. Ecological system may be clearer to readers
72
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STORY
£ n i l g i r
The remainder of t h e r e g i o n w i l l be t h e "manipu la t ion involve
zone" and willA |5al3«for»ricea3gerJ expe r imen t s i n
a d m i n i s t r a t i o n ,
E ^ g r j ^ j g g g r and t h e A t r i b a l
ffiisjffcorie f o r e s t r y , a g r i c u l t u r e * pn"d role of' peoples * ~
"tWK&SS
-Three The c e n t r a l government w i l l work c l o s e l y wi th t h e .
involved. Sgiighernj s t a t e g o v e r n m e n t s . p L n ^ | t l r a } ^ i ^ i r i ^
g y e ^ o f ^ ^ o t h ^ a t ^ s f w m
S e ^ C o l ^ h l S P e ^ e ^ ^ ^ their
pommuriity'. K>f p a r t i c u l a r i n t e r e s t w i l l be Ihow s u c c e s s f u l
fe^ySV^r^-JS?6 * n " a s s o c i a t i n g t h e l o c a l p o p u l a t i o n with t h e
format ion and implementa t ion of r e s e a r c h p r o j e c t s so t h a t
t h e people who have been l i v i n g wi th n a t u r e a r e not a f f e c t e d
bu t he lped t o improve t h e i r economic c o n d i t i o n s wi thout
d i s t u r b i n g t h e ecosys t em."
F h e ^ i l g i r i s r e x p e r i m e n t ^ ^
jjjgggjggBSIfigGjpatTttre^Stountryji(The e a r t h ftoday;£i&. i s an estimated to
jestTimafed,' suppor t s Anything jJt>etween f i v e ' a n d t e n b i l l i o n A A
species of plants and animals, moulds and other living
organisms. Of these, more than 25,000 species of plants and
1,000 species of vertebrates have become threatened in the
Of last few decades. g:t^S3b^l^<^edj^ha.^SifjgalI the threatened
are species of smaller organisms JTwere&also taken into account,
may face extinction more than a million species of flora and fauna Swould:become
A HBRBBB by t h e end of t h i s c e n t u r y . Hence t h e rush fo r
yet to be closely studied. b i o s p h e r e r e s e r v e s t o p r o t e c t a r e a s which have Es t ' i l l ino t
H H ^ ^ I ^ n k i n d ; 6f^S5S3S€ ree^StwVslTonce^S Jalisco ve'rySclredged ^frbni.a
new types of
R&E59BBQ59S3 /Many Ether* organisms t h a t cou ld y i e l d food,
f u e l , f i b r e and medic ine may s t i l l be a w a i t i n g d i s c o v e r y .
The e v o l u t i o n of new c rop v a r i e t i e s and s t r o n g g e n e t i c potential benefits.
s t r a i n s a r e o t h e r g | g 3 K ^ £ T i e ^ i d s p h ~ e r e ^ A '
Terms like bi< should be explai
Don't exagger One successful project does no the tide has tun
/h/old overblc phrases like the wanton destro of nature's bo
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STORY ONE
( n T l g i r i s .
I t i s wi th t h e s e aims i n mind tha t - e n v i r o n m e n t a l i s t s
a r e making t h e i r {Ca^^aXtStE s t a n d a g a i n s t t h e d e s t r u c t i o n of
v i r g i n natural r e s e r v e s . (India's response
ffhatSlndlaShas^tTSlastaD^spbtidea t o t h i s c h a l l e n g e , it is, A a promising indication
b e l a t e d though^hem^P&M^3SSS^^^S i8/J8BB&5B3S5 of fhe increasing awareness of the opportunities being lost.
Additional Notes
Wordiness is a common problem in journalism. Reporters want to write "intimate understanding of the environment" instead of "expertise." They want to write "The effort will be watched carefully to discover whether they are on the right steps towards the final learning . process" rather than "the effort will act as a guide to later attempts." Such phrases may sound Impressive, but ask yourself: is their meaning clear? Will the reader understand? The same applies to phrases like "the wanton destruction of nature's bounty," or "a discovery dredged from a virgin forest." Be clear in your message, and deliver it in as few words as possible.
14
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STORy
KINGSTON (Jamaica) - Jamaicans,K533E3&<fflE»BiSB£&aZ£3! Kuncertainty
a l r e a d y u p s e t a^oSBajRtejrggq a t t h e EggJIgSlgBBEgEg of t h e i r demanding explanation of
n a t i o n a l economy, a r e B 8 8 f l f l B 8 M B L a n BSBMelSBg-^what has
B B S S become known Ej a s t h e " v e g e t a b l e
f i a s c o , " t h e {suddefj d i s c o v e r y t h a t what was t h o u g h t t o be a national is
& 5 e ^ ] f J ^ ^ ? p u n t r y i ^ ^ l g g e s t A s u c c e s s i e s 3 i i a ' s A i n f a c t become* a
major Ef lop. f i
fir hers come to light that fsamassBOKassmsw^sssssm^^^ high-prof ne, much-
• launched with great fanfare by the vaunted S p r i n g P l a i n w i n t e r v e g e t a b l e p r o j e c t ISS19BBS9IHBS9V2 government, has lost more than J$70 million recently *> PSiO^O 0,020.00 i n four y e a r s . U n t i l ttow^the p u b l i c Bad.
it A
b e l i e v e d CKatSnbt^bniy^was |LtI a s h o w - p i e c e o f h i g h -, and making a profit in fact it has never done so. t e c h n o l o g y f a r m i n g / ^ t a g ^ r ^ Q ^ t o 1 c i H g S p n 6 1
l£irst hint of the setback came In with the announcement A M l mid-August I f jwas^anhounced t h a t t h e p r o j e c t was
Wordy
Over means < many editors pt more than. Write 70 mtllic 10,000,000
being shifted from fchegparj-sh^Of South Clarendon to land in that
£Ke adjoining parTsKSpf St. Catherine and the acreage would A
be p l a n t e d i n b a n a n a s . There?wasXnb^6thef^J.nfdrmat'i6ri^'Ein /The move was a surprise and the refusal
?ceeping*w_ith2.t,he£poiicyAof t h e government o f Prime M i n i s t e r to release more information
Edward Seaga hot£toj£take ithe p u b l i c J i n t o : \ i t s; c o n f i d e n c e ?
ffhe^silence produced a s torm o f p r o t e s t , and .many q u e s t i o n s . ' A
In r e s p o n s e , fcpJ.therpubllcioutcry a j o i n t s t a t e m e n t by Dhiru lanna and Mayer Matalon, both of whom have served as
was i s sued A f rom - t h e j f o r m e r ^ a n d ' p r e s e n t chairman o f t h e
N a t i o n a l Inves tment Bank of Jamaica , L i m i t e d ^ r e s p e c t i v e l y g - a A
b u s i i i e s s l c b n s u l t a n t r - a n d . h e a d o f : i o n e S o f r J a m a i c a ^ J m o s t a highly-regarded business consultant, is
feQccessful^Tbusiness' f a m i l i e s v ^ T h e s e ^ a r e ^ D h i r u T a n n a , A the current chairman, is head of one of Jamaica's
o r i g i n a l l y from Uganda, and Mayer/ Mat a I o n , head'iof^aarJewish most successful business families E a m i a v ^ r p m y a m a s c u s f f l h o ^ o n ^
shocked a To a fcttinnedV-public t h e s t a t e m e n t r e v e a l e d t h a t ^ t h e
A of A
l o s s i n t h e f i r s t y e a r , 1 9 8 2 - 8 3 , Was.-just under J$7 of In the second
m i l l i o n , S S S t b e ^ e c b n d a i t a w a s J $ l l m i l l i o n and 8Ln?E1984/.S5 million in the third 1985-86 A
*as J $ 2 9 . 9 . L o s s e s i n ^he.-ffl918,5/8.63!yearjgare'^ioJts;yet could million
knownlbu.tSmay^be i n £ t h e j o r d e r l ~ o t : J $ 3 0 Irai l l ion^SmakingSa
Be direct. On wording of this paragraph is co
Be consistem style. Don't writ 1982-83 one t /984/8S then
Be careful wi figures -$29.9 million is very different from%
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STORY TWO
' j a m a i c
The g g i n t s t a t e m e n t d i d show a d e g r e e o f bad l u c k , because of
main ly fdueiSto a change i n t h e r a i n p a t t e r n i n t h e South IT said statistics
Clarendon a r e a . AtStatIg.t;jg;s o v e r §Sgg§3gBS3MS£ 91 y e a r s t o
1961 had shown t h e area,/? -zosm.&*,•»$& mm statement, to be a "virtual desert" during the five months
export. •• when v e g e t a b l e s would be grown fozJS&StDSBSBBtttlStBXGS&ESni
/Monthly was EThe monthly r a i n f a l l v a r i e d be tween Bus.t385.yel: 1 1 /2 i n c h e s
and * K0JduSt3BftnderA2 1 /2 i n c h e s .
In t h e 1970s [ t h e r e w a s ! e v e n n e s s , r a i n f a l l between was even less.
December and A p r i l . In 1982 t h e government i n v e s t e d
h e a v i l y i n t h e p r o j e c t a f t e r an e x p e r i m e n t a l p l o t jdevelpjped
j b y ^ E l i j T l s o n s i ^ o f I s r a e l had shown g?ery^ good y i e l d s .
By January 1983 good q u a l i t y v e g e t a b l e s were b e i n g
e x p o r t e d t o t h e US fmaking:use"of .vtxa'nspojrtat ioh v i a a c a r g o
p l a n e en r o u t e [back t o t h e US from V e n e z u e l a . But m i s t a k e s
i n s p r a y i n g f o r d i s e a s e s and t h e i n a b i l i t y t o make f u l l u s e
o f t h e c a r g o s p a c e p r o d u c e d a l o s s . jbf^J$6?8|Tmi'ltHofft
f T e e t h i n g t t r o u b l e s ; " ,nd . doubt75rr£hpugh]8A^
c l a i m e d i n t h e j o i n t s t a t e m e n t . tjhen
<In t h e n e x t w i n t e r s e a s o n a s i n g l e day i n February
1984 produced ;no l e s s t h a n t e n i n c h e s o f r a i n . E x c e s s
m o i s t u r e i n t h e h a r v e s t e d v e g e t a b l e s l e d t o huge l o s s e
C The next Jn t h e f o l l o w i n g y e a r therejVereTSaga'in u n s e a s o n a b l e
struck again. *• mut greater anger was caused by the r a i n s A a n d , a l s o - i n c r e d i b l e . t o - c t h e publ icvyythl isSt^wfong statement's claim that i n f o r m a t i o n ! g i v e n by r e p u t a b l e niarke'tTng; i n t e l l i g e n c e f i r m s
had erred in their advice. The i n t h e US and UK. F l n ' t h e ^ l a t t e i K f c a s e ^ t ' h e market f o r c h e r r y
^ overestimated tomatoes had b e e n b a d l y l over -e s t imated* . The chairmen s a y
A ,but that t h e y r e c e i v e d a 5 0 - p a g e document f u l l o f apo log ies^ land
added, "the p r o j e c t d o e s n o t b e n e f i t from t h e i r a p o l o g i e s . "
Lols^es r o s e ^ t o j J $ 2 9 ^ i m i l l i o n f p r ^ h e ^ ^ ^ i n j q u ^ t i o n ^
Wordy, it said shorter
The journalist's personal view has place in a news stc
Don't repeat information that i: already been giver
i *
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STOKY
-> Mama
Anothern C7he figure
iare'SprcSaBly^^oroeJ5$305miTIioli^SE^ence "theAtransf er to a will,
different area SwhTcKIshould,. it is hoped, avoid (the
unseasonable rains. The joint statement emphasises that more than
the other government projects in the area - over.200 acres
Of mangoes, a 30-acre experimental plot of grapes, a large
fish farm and now the increased acreage of bananas should, so far.
over ten years, more than offset the losses tin"the A
{vegetables Tgro'wh\^orKthe^USland^Britaih.^: It stresses that the yield per acre in bananas, more
a successful than 20 tons, is now higher than that of.the Eastern banana
m the east. A people are
pro j e c t . whichris deemed a great*rsuccess. But A the 'publ ic i s
not much concerned with future hopes. They see a J$70
m i l l i o n l o s s which must come out of t h e i r pocket s . reasons for the ' " " include
Other.causesTof lossesfhaVe'HDeeh^given'such^as^a drop fan US
in the value of the pound sterling and a.drop in prices.in ^ A. A
the US. These price factors have always been a problem
with farmers, but the huge amounts, by Jamaican standards,
have come as a shock.
Additional Notes
Be careful with phrases like "much-vaunted." Many editors would let it pass, but it is the kind of cliche that . too often slips into journalism unnoticed, a sort of shorthand employed by reporters in place of a more accurate term.
Keep your opinions out of stories. It may seem obvious to the reporter that inefficiency and incompetence have plagued some project or plan, but news stories are not concerned with the opinion of the reporter. If the situation is so obvious, find an authority on the subject who can say so. Or spell out the problems and let the reader decide.
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