by Stacey Curnow www.midwifeforyourlife.com

6 Steps toDoinggooD, Feeling gooD, and

AchievingYour

DreAms!

The

and

Guidebook

PurPosePassion

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about stacey

Stacey Curnow has worked as a certified nurse-midwife for more than 15 years, and her career has taken her from western Indian reservations to a center-city Bronx hospital to the mountains of southwestern Mexico.

She received her bachelor’s degree from Oberlin College, her nursing degree from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and her master’s degree in midwifery from Yale University.

She gave up all the trappings of “security” when she left her staff/salaried/benefitted hospital job in October of 2011, and although she occasionally works a shift in the hospital (“PRN”), she devotes the bulk of her work hours to Midwife for Your Life, the coaching business she started from scratch in June, 2009.

She has been an enthusiastic student of positive psychology for years and applies it to her coaching programs with great success.

Hundreds of her articles have also been published in print magazines and online.

She lives with her husband, young son, three chickens and one dog.

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introduction

As a midwife, I know how birth changes a woman’s life. In fact, no matter how a baby came into the world, when a mother holds her child in her arms, she knows that her own life will never be the same again.

As a mother, I experienced this momentous change. But what happens when your baby is all grown up and has left home or will be leaving soon?

As a life coach, I have seen again and again striking parallels between the last stage of labor, transition, and the change a mother navigates when her child has grown up and left home.

And the result is the same: at the end of these transitions, a woman is faced with creating her own new life while coming to terms with the fact that her old life has changed entirely.

And that can be very, very challenging.

You feel like you’ve lost yourself.

You feel like you don’t know who you are now that your kids have left home. You’re probably wondering if you can achieve your dreams separate from mothering.

You have a voice inside your head that says you should be happy with what you’ve got, and who do you think you are for wanting more?

You wonder: if you did find your purpose or passion, would anyone care?

There’s another problem, too: I talk with women every day who say they’d love to publish a book, or they want be a coach, or they dream of starting a business. And I ask them what they’re doing to achieve their dream. And the answer almost always breaks my heart. There’s a huge discrepancy between what they say they want to do and what they’re actually doing.

If that’s you, if you’re one of those women who say you want to achieve some big dream, but you’re not taking action to get you closer to whatever that is, you probably feel there’s something wrong with you. You probably think you’re lazy or unmotivated. Maybe you think you don’t want success that much, or that you are somehow broken.

Well, here’s what you need to know:

There is nothing wrong with you.

You’re not broken. You’re not unmotivated. You’re not lazy. And it’s not hopeless.

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You’re in pain because you’ve tried before. You’ve tried to follow your dreams, to commit to a goal, to clear a path through all the other competing demands on your time—and it didn’t work. And when you think of trying again it hurts too much.

But here’s the thing: you may very well be in pain now. And you may be for a while. But if you do start to clear a path again, it won’t hurt for as long as you think it will.

Here’s the thing: the only way to make the hurt go away is to start now.

With that said, I want you to take a moment, right now, and set a clear intention that you will get exactly what you need from reading this guide. You are going to take a ton of notes and have amazing breakthroughs and aha moments.

Here’s what you’re going to learn:

The 4 Most Common Obstacles to knowing who you are and what your purpose is. (These hang up almost everyone, but I’m going to show you how to blast through them!)

The #1 Secret to Success. Yes, there’s really only one, and while it is simple, it’s not easy. (This is not for the faint-hearted!)

The 6 Super-Clear Steps to find out who you are and what your purpose is. (I’ve included lots of exercises to make these steps

clear and actionable. You will know exactly what to do after you read this book!)

How to make your BIG dreams a reality (and how everyone is your life will benefit!)

What would you give to know that you have everything you need right now to shine a big light in the world? To have a system that shows you how to move forward? To get some real-time guidance and accountability—someone or something that makes sure you do the work and that it never feels hard? You would give almost anything, wouldn’t you? I know I would. And I have given a lot for all of those things—and gotten much more in return.

While you read this book I want to share with you how I found myself, my passion and my purpose. You see, I have gone back and figured out exactly how I did it, and that has allowed me to share it with dozens of clients, clients who have gone on to experience the same amazing transformations in their lives that I’ve had in mine.

So first I want to share with you where I’m coming from. You may know that I am a certified nurse-midwife, and that for almost all of my professional life I worked in a busy public health practice. I say until “almost all” because I had my last shift as a staff, salaried midwife with benefits, in late 2011.

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I gave up that good job – with all of its seductive security – even though it terrified me to do so. I gave it up because I knew that job – as good as it was –was keeping me from doing something great.

I’m going to tell you more about how I made that decision—and how you can make the same decision, whatever your particular circumstances—but before we go any further, I have a question I’d like you to answer. Write the answer down in a notebook.

Ask yourself: Am I willing right now to give up the good to make room for the great? If you’re not, you probably shouldn’t be reading this book. I know that may sound harsh, but honestly, this book will not serve you if you still want to play small and safe. For you I would suggest my blog with its hundreds of articles about how to go from staying small to dreaming big.

This book is for women are ready to take action and make room for the great right now.

This is a book for you if you know you’re a great mom, but you wonder if that’s all you’re going to get out of life, if being a mom is going to be your greatest (and last) achievement. This book is for you especially if, when you consider that question, you feel pain.

I’m here to tell you that there’s a reason you hurt when you ask yourself, “Who am I to want more? Why can’t I be happy with what I’ve got?” Questions like that hurt because, deep down, you know it is not true that you shouldn’t want more. You know it is not true

that should force yourself to be happy with what you’ve already got. Deep down, you know that you are here to give so much more, and that it is a disservice not to. So these questions hurt because when you have those doubts you are betraying yourself and your purpose.

I know—and you know, too—that you do have something more to offer, something really great, but you just don’t know how to get it out in the world.

And that’s where I can help. Read on.

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starting with The Breakdown

You probably can’t quite believe that your kid is all grown up and moved out, huh?

Where did all the time go, right? So, here’s the reality: You’re firmly in middle age. If you’re lucky, you’ve got 30, maybe 40 great years ahead of you. The question really is, what do you want to do with them? How do you want to feel? Who do you want to be? To quote the poet Mary Oliver, What is it that you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

My guess is that you want to be happy. (If you don’t want to be happy, you might want to read a different book.) You may also, though, want to feel successful. The two aren’t mutually exclusive. In fact, to me, a truly successful person can manage to be happy no matter what the conditions.

Got it? Happiness is essential to success. This definition is important to me because I have always been the primary, if not the sole, wage earner in my family—my husband just hasn’t managed (yet) to be a true partner when it comes to providing for our household. So I get it when my clients tell me that they feel like everything depends on them, and they’ve got to make sure everyone else is okay before they get any “selfish” needs met. I’ve been there, I really have.

But I’ve learned that I can either let this “everything depends on me” thinking feel overwhelming—and let it lead me to a breakdown—or I can let it feel amazing. Really. It’s either one or the other.

I told you I’d share with you where I was coming from, how I made the decision that changed my life. So here it comes. And I’m going to start by talking about the breakdown.

Earlier in 2011 I felt so lost. I saw all these bad things happening in my life—or rather, I saw a lot of things happening that seemed bad—and I couldn’t understand why.

Finally one night I woke up in a panic and I asked God, the Universe, whoever would listen, “Why is this happening?!”

The very clear answer I got was, “You’re not supposed to be here.”

I knew the voice didn’t mean “here” as in my bed. I knew it meant something much bigger and deeper.

Before I get into that more, let me back up a little further: in mid-2009 I decided to start my coaching business as a side gig. I still loved midwifery more than anything and at the time I couldn’t imagine giving up that job. I loved caring for women and the salary and benefits the work provided for my family.

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And while I still love helping women bring their babies into the world, I never really enjoyed all the bureaucratic aspects of my job. And as I “became my own boss” in my business, I bristled more and more at the expectations my employer had of me as an employee at the hospital. Combine that with a downturn in the economy and severe cutbacks, and by early 2011 I knew that my days as a staff midwife were numbered.

But remember, my husband is chronically underemployed and doesn’t have health insurance. A steady income and health insurance are things I have always provided for my family. How would we be able to survive without my staff/salaried/benefitted position?

I knew that I didn’t want to stay on staff at the hospital, but I believed that our family needed the “security” that my job provided. I thought my coaching business and writing career could support us, but I had no guarantees…which led me back to wondering why I couldn’t just be happy with my job at the hospital. It wasn’t that bad, was it?

Those stressful thoughts are what led to my breakdown. I couldn’t believe I was in such a bad place – overwhelmed by doomsday scenarios and too scared to think straight.

But as I’ve talked about before, the breakdown is almost always followed by a breakthrough. It’s always darkest before the dawn.

And so with all the dark fears, I’d also get a moment of clarity—like the time when I was lying in bed—and at those times I knew I should give up my staff position. But then the moment would pass and my heart would start racing again and I would be in tears thinking that I couldn’t possibly leave.

And then I would get another flash of insight. It was like I was walking on a dark road and every once in a while a car would go by and its headlights would illuminate the path and show some sign, like a guidepost, and I would know again that I was on the right track. But the insights and the clarity always seemed so fleeting. I would get them and almost immediately I’d be back in the fear and despair.

I couldn’t believe that I was in such an undesirable, untenable position. I couldn’t believe that I had been brought this far to fail. All I kept thinking was about what I didn’t want. And then at some point, in the depths of that despair, I heard a small voice inside me that said, “What do you want?”

Fortunately I had an answer for that: it was “I want both my husband and I to do work that’s completely aligned with our life purpose. I want to do work I love, and be paid handsomely for it. I want to be free of hospital committee meetings that go on forever, that focus on everything negative, and that never accomplish anything positive. I don’t know what the future holds, but I know I can figure this out.”

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Once I got clear about what I did want, I started to get all these ideas about how I could make it happen, and those are the secrets I want to share with you today. And here’s a hint: making things happen requires getting good at recognizing—and creating happiness. Until you’re a happiness pro, success will always elude you.

The 4 obstacles to Getting What You Want

Most people never get what they want for a simple reason - they give up when the going gets tough. And I understand. I really do. I get the pain of wanting something and not getting it, and then the urge to give up so you can shed the pain of wanting but not having.

If that’s been you in the past, I want you to understand that you’re not alone. Many, many people stop themselves right at the point when they would have had success if they had just carried on a little bit farther.

Why is that so common? Well, everyone has their particular reasons, but they all fall into a handful of categories. And here they are—the 4 obstacles to knowing who you are and what your purpose is.

First, from childhood on, the people in your life—even people you respect and love—tell you that everything you really want to do is impossible. You’re told that you can’t have what you really want, and you stop asking. You grow up with this idea, and as the years accumulate, so too do the layers of fear and guilt, until the idea becomes a firmly held belief.

Eventually your purpose gets buried so deep in your soul as to be invisible. But it is still there.

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So the number one obstacle is your beliefs. But beliefs are just thoughts you’ve thought many, many times. You didn’t start out believing that you couldn’t have what you wanted or that you had nothing to offer the world and no one would care anyway. If you’ve spent any time with children, you know they know what they want. You know they know their worth, and they broadcast it to the world.

So you didn’t start not believing in yourself overnight. But by the same token, it may take some time to start believing in yourself. Fortunately, I’ll give you the steps to do just that later in this book.

Now, once you find the courage to believe in yourself—at least one more time—and you’ve dug out your dreams – your purpose—you will, more than likely, face the second obstacle: Duty.

You’re hitting the Duty wall when you know what you want to do, but you’re afraid that your dream is going to require so much of your attention that you’ll have to withdraw from those around you, hurting them in the process.

Getting past the Duty wall requires the most powerful force on the planet. It takes love. Specifically, moving on from this obstacle requires you to realize that love actually fuels your dream. It is not something that prevents you from going forward. That’s because those who genuinely love you want you to be happy, and they will support you on your journey.

Now, once you’ve accepted that love is a stimulus, not a deterrent, to getting what you want, you come up against the 3rd obstacle: Fear.

If there’s anyone, at any time, who started pursuing their dreams without feeling afraid at some point along the way, I’d like to hear about it. Because everyone sets out on this journey afraid of the defeats she will suffer. Make no mistake: When you believe in, and pursue, your dreams, you will suffer far more than those who don’t when those dreams don’t work out. That’s because you won’t be able to fall back on the old excuse, “Oh, well, I didn’t really want it anyway” any longer.

The moment you set out to pursue your dream—the first moment you come to believe it’s even possible—at that moment, you’ve already staked an enormous amount on making it happen. Because now betraying that dream by giving up means betraying yourself, with all the pain and shame that betrayal implies. It’s a huge risk, but even so there’s one thing that makes the path of purpose easier than any other path: once you start, your whole heart is in the journey.

Among other things, having your whole heart involved makes it easier to have patience in difficult times. It also makes it easier to believe that the Universe is conspiring in your favor even though you may not understand how.

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So are defeats necessary? Yes, I would say they are right and necessary. The thing is when we first begin working toward our dream, we don’t know this. We don’t know that achieving our dreams very often requires a long slog through many, many mistakes, multiple defeats and disappointments. Just trust me: you need defeats.

But it’s no wonder that many more would rather give up and watch TV at night, rather than take action to achieve their dreams, is it?

The 4th obstacle and the number 1 secret

So, The number 1 secret to success—are you ready for this?—is to fall down seven times and to get up eight times.

Simple, right? But so not easy.

In fact, it’s extremely hard, and it takes a lot of will, and a certain tolerance for pain. So, why is it so important to live our purpose if we’re only going to suffer more than other people?

It’s because when we get up all those times—when we overcome our defeats ( and if we persevere we always do) – we are filled by an amazing sense of joy and meaning.

When we’re working toward our dreams, we know we’re proving ourselves worthy of the miracle of life. We’re providing a shining example to the world. And don’t you want that for your children? Especially now that they’re adults and navigating their own paths to personal success?

Take a moment and imagine your life once you’ve overcome your personal demons and achieved your dreams. Imagine your days are filled with excitement and enthusiasm. In this context I think of Eckhart Tolle, who once said that there are only 3 true states of being: Excitement, Enthusiasm and Acceptance. In his view, if you’re not feeling excitement for the present moment, or

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enthusiasm for a future moment, then something is wrong, and that’s when you call on acceptance.

And there will still be things you need to accept—challenges and crises, risks and failures—but once you accept them, the pain and suffering passes quickly, much more quickly than the suffering that is apparently bearable for so many in our culture—the suffering that comes with cynicism, bitterness and resentment. I guarantee it: working toward your dreams will allow you to avoid those emotions—it will allow you to fill your days with more excitement than you ever thought possible.

And that’s when the fourth obstacle comes in: the Guilt of realizing the dream for which we fought all our lives. Oscar Wilde said, “Each man kills the thing he loves.” And it’s true. The mere possibility of getting what we want fills the soul of most women with guilt.

We look around at all those who have failed to get what they want, or who have so little, and we feel we don’t deserve to get what we want either. Who are we to want so much, right?

But we do want. And here’s the thing: By doing this thing, by getting what we want, and achieving our dream, we encourage others and we show them what’s possible. And what woman doesn’t want that? Again, if for no one else, than her children!

And yet I have known so many women who, when their dream was within their grasp, just stopped and sabotaged their success.

That’s why guilt is the most dangerous of the obstacles, because if you believe your light will cast others into the shadows rather than illuminate their path, you really will stay lost in the shadows.

If, on the other hand, you truly believe that by achieving your dream you will be shining a light for others and that iilluminating their path … then you will understand who you really are and why you’re here.

And if I could just impart one message, or plant one tiny seed…if I do nothing else in this book than get you to think about this truth, I will be satisfied.

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six simple steps to Your Purpose

Now that I’ve covered the obstacles, I’m going to teach you the 6 simple (but not easy! Ha!) steps to find out who you are and what your purpose is. And once again, let me say that all of them—in one way or another—require you to get familiar with what makes you happy.

Now, with that in mind, let’s begin.

Step One

Define your top values.

What do you really value? What’s important to you?

In my coaching practice, I’ve found that people think they know their values. However, when it comes down to defining them, a lot of people get stuck. So you need to take the time to get clear about what you believe in, and what truly feeds your soul. Decisions get easier when you pause to think how your actions—and their consequences—fit in with your values. And the bottom line is that when your actions are in alignment with your values, you are truly happy. So this is a really, really important, not-to-be-missed step.

So, where do you start?

Gloria Steinem famously said you can always tell your values by looking at your checkbook or credit card statement. So your exercise is to look at it. Name 3 things that must obviously be values to you, based on the money you spend on them.

When I look at my check register, I see my values include making money, being of service to others, and having the freedom to design my days. Did it surprise you that making money is one of my top values? It surprised me, but then I couldn’t avoid coming to that conclusion. Because I pay a lot each month for the coaching I receive that helps me get my gifts out in to the world.

After I got over the initial shock, it didn’t actually surprise me at all. Think about it. I can’t support my family, get my gifts out into the world, or have any kind of freedom with out M-O-N-E-Y. And neither can you. Yes, the greatest pleasures in life are free – for me they’re hearing my child laugh, walking my dog and watching the sunset over the mountains.

But none of that can happen without money. It’s Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs -- you have to satisfy your basic needs for security – having a place to live and food to eat— before you can do anything else.

Maybe I’m unique in this respect. I don’t know. At any rate, get ready for some surprises. And take care doing this exercise. Because you’ll find that your life is SO much easier, happier and more meaningful when you align your actions with your real

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values. And when you don’t, you’re sure to stay confused, stuck and small.

Step twO

Now that you’ve defined your values, Ask for what you really, really, really want.

(I think there’s magic in that last “really.”) When I say “ask,” I have something specific in mind. It involves a) keeping a notebook and pen by your bedside and b) writing at the top of each page of that notebook these questions: Who do I want to be? What do I want to do? What do I want to have? What do I want to give? How do I want to feel?

Every night, look at a fresh page with those questions laid out at the top, and then ask yourself out loud: What do I really, really, really want? And let your subconscious get to work.

Every morning when you wake up, take up your notebook and pen, and for several minutes write whatever comes up. I promise that very soon the answer will become clear.

But what does it mean to know what you really, really want?

Well, your answers in the notebook are usually just starting lines. Once you get a good, juicy collection of answers, you want to get specific. Because when it comes to actually getting what you really want, vague goals are death. For example, a vague goal like

-- “I want to make more money doing what I love” – will have you stopped in your tracks even before you get started. It would be better is to say “I have an idea of a service I’d like to offer, and I’m going to email 10 people I know who I think would be a perfect fit for it and ask if they are interested.” Once you accomplish that goal, you can build on it: “Now that I know they’re interested, I need to hammer out the details of the program and deliver it.” And, boom, there you are -- making more money doing what you love.

Specifics are key. And here’s the best way to drill down to those specifics. Ask yourself 5 times, “What does that mean?” for everything you want.

For example:—“I want to make money doing what I love.” What does that mean?—“I want to teach a workshop on creating art collage.” What does that mean?—“I offer an art collage workshop before the holidays.”What does that mean?—“It’s a 4-hour workshop on that takes place at The Art

Space downtown on December 3rd for a $100 fee.”What does that mean?— “I email everyone I know who said they were interested.

5 people enroll in the class and I make $500.”Who do you think will be more successful? The vague person who said they wanted to make money doing what they love, or the

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one who asked “What does this mean?” 5 times and took decisive action? No contest, right?

Now for step three.

Step three

Once you determine what you really want, and you have a specific action plan, you want to support your specific actions with something a little less tangible, but equally powerful. Therefore, the 3rd step is to…

Set powerful affirmations.

What is an affirmation?

An affirmation is simply a better-feeling thought than whatever you’re thinking right now. Louise Hay is a personal hero of mine, and she is a master of affirmations. If you haven’t read her book You Can Heal Your Life I highly recommend it.

For my 42nd birthday, I gave myself a copy of Louise Hay’s newest book (co-authored with Cheryl Richardson), You Can Create an Exceptional Life, which I read all in a day.

It’s a very simple book with one key concept: Your thoughts create your life.

I especially loved the part where Hay writes about how the first hour of the morning is the most crucial for setting the tone for your day, and by extension, your life.

She writes, “We must teach people how to begin their day. The first hour of the morning is most crucial. How you spend it will determine your experience for the rest of your day.”

Have you heard the expression, “How you do anything is how you do everything”? The sentiment is essentially the crux of Hay’s book.

Think about it: If you can craft a powerful morning routine, you’re more likely to have a good day. And if you have a good day, and if you’re able to string together many good days, you will have an exceptional life.

But back to the matter at hand: affirmations.

If you are struggling with not knowing who you are or what you really want to do with your life, I’m going to give you a very powerful affirmation that I want you to write on several sticky notes and then put them around your home, your car, anywhere you’re likely to see them.

Here it is: “I know I’ll know.” That’s it. “I know I’ll know.” Because even if you don’t know now what you want, or what your purpose in life might be, that’s okay. You’re simply not supposed to know yet. But

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the knowledge and insight is coming soon. And you’ll know when it arrives. Hence your new affirmation, “I know I’ll know.”

Some of Louise Hay’s favorite affirmations are “This is a blessed day.” And “All is well. I have time for everything I need to do today.”

Once you’re clear on your dreams, clear on your purpose, you must find an affirmation that works for you, one that spurs you along your path. This affirmation must ring true for you. Saying, “I’m enjoying a wonderful love relationship.” may be too much of a stretch. But saying, “I’m on my way to enjoying a wonderful love relationship.” may work.

So when you do know what you really want, I want you to write down everything you want in your life in the present tense – as if it is already happening. Always construct affirmations in the present tense. While you’re at it, write a list of thoughts you want to believe.

To give you an idea of what I mean, I’m going to give you some to work with. Really pay attention to these and make a note of the affirmations that resonate most powerfully with you. Write them out on sticky notes that you can post around your home and car and refer to them often.

So, without further ado, here are some affirmations I love:Everything I need is within me now. It’s already done.

It’s way better than I can even imagine. Everything happens in perfect timing. I create money with my thoughts. Everything in my life happens for me. I love deeply and those I love know it. It doesn’t have to be hard. When aligned in my thinking, what I want is seemingly

effortless. Nothing has ever gone wrong. I have more money than I want to spend. I am in perfect health. This is my perfect body to live my life. Everyone in my life is perfect and right on time. I can feel the unlimited abundance within me. My abundance helps the abundance of thousands of

people. The only difference between me and some others is that I

know how lucky we are. What they do is about them and what I do is about me. They are truly doing the best they can and when they

know better they will do better. The Universe has got it covered. I can relax.

Those are pretty awesome affirmations, don’t you think? I just love them. I think I could fill a whole book with more of them. But for now we need to move on to the 4th Step.

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Step FOur

So the 4th step to knowing who you are and what you want may seem a little counterintuitive – it’s to Appreciate More. You absolutely need to appreciate more of what is in your life RIGHT NOW. Even if your life is not that great at the moment, this is really, really important. I simply don’t think you can get over “there” where you have everything you want without appreciating what you have right “over here” right now.

The key to a happy life—at any age—is simply to be happy. Having a satisfying daily life is much more important to most people’s sense of personal fulfillment than achieving some lofty goal like winning the Pulitzer.

But how do you have a satisfying daily life? The easiest way is to look for things to appreciate. You may have to start with small things, like the way the light plays on the leaves, or the way your cat purrs when you rub that special spot, but when you get in the habit of looking for the things that please you, you will find them—and you may find more things pleasing in the big picture as well. If in a day you find more things to appreciate than to find fault with, you will feel happy and satisfied by the end of it. String together many similar days and you will have had a happy and satisfying life.

If you haven’t already, it’s time to start a Gratitude Journal. This is really non-negotiable in my opinion. When I started one over 15 years ago, I set the intention of finding five things in my day

for which I was grateful. Sometimes it was challenging to find 5 things and I’d be left with my breath, or the fact that I didn’t burn my toast.

Now I am aware of being grateful for so much that I decided to limit myself to filling one page in my journal (or else I wouldn’t get to sleep!) - and I’m still writing up the side of the page in tiny print to get it all in.

Keep your journal by your bedside and write in it every night. You’ll find that you go through the day looking for – and finding – things that you appreciate and for which you are grateful. You will literally attract more good things to you when you appreciate the positive aspects of your day.

As Melodie Beattie wrote, “Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more.”

And that brings us to step five.

Step Five

Ask your fears powerful questions and dialogue with them.

Whether you call your negative thoughts your fears, your inner critic or your Ego, you probably think your life would be so much better without them, right?

Not So Fast…

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I don’t think your negative thinking is a problem. In fact I think you can benefit in a big way if you really listen to it. In fact, I’ve started calling my inner critic one of my most trusted and valued advisors.

But it is tricky, because it often wants to talk with you at the most inopportune moments. You know the ones, the times when you’re already feeling bad about yourself, you’re tired, and you just plowed through a pint of ice cream.

But what if, in that wretched moment, you were just to say to that voice, “Not now”? And what if later, say, after a good night’s sleep, when you were feeling more calm and centered, you held a dialogue with it and truly got at what it had to tell–and teach–you?

Here’s the thing: the “negative” thinking is a temporary challenge, and like all challenges you can address it in a way so that you come out of it stronger and smarter.

If you face the fear, and figure out how to set things up so you don’t feel immobilized by it anymore—for example, by developing a strategy to quit your job—well, that would be a good thing, right?

You see, without making a plan and taking action, even the most attainable goal is still just a daydream. And yet when questions crop up about how we’re going to achieve our dreams, we dismiss them because it’s painful to feel the fear that comes up. But ignoring the negative self-talk is only a temporary fix.

Your Fears, in fact, will speak louder and more often the more you ignore them. So what if, instead of withering criticism, you looked on what they had to say and you started to dialogue with them? Do that, and you’ll discover that there are very few inner criticisms that can’t be put to rest through action.

So this is what you do: Imagine a dialogue as if you were writing a play. Write Fear or Inner Critic or whatever you call that voice with the negative thoughts on one line and then add a colon and then write a question or a statement that you’ve heard it say.

Then write your name, colon, and your response. When you write your response, write it as if you were tapped into your highest self, or your wise and kind best friend, or a spiritual leader, like the Dalai Lama.

You may be tempted to think that you’re just “making this up,” but bear with me. You are actually accessing that part of yourself that really does know.

This may feel strange at first and that’s fine, because it is like any practice, like learning a foreign language or how to play the piano, and you will get better at it with time, practice, and patience.

To be clear, you are practicing self –knowledge and self-trust, and becoming proficient at it is absolutely priceless. Nothing is worth more than this.

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Here’s the thing: Knowing and trusting yourself grows when you choose to slow down and notice what you are thinking a negative thought and feeling bad. Instead of saying, “I don’t want to feel this way!” and “Why is this happening?” Ask yourself, “What is this here to teach me?” and start the dialogue.

Now for step 6.

Step Six

Meditate. As we begin to hear our bodies’ messages, and learn to trust ourselves more, another amazing change takes place: we begin to have more appreciation for those messages. We trust our selves more and that means everything.

So the final key, crucial, simple-but-not-easy step to knowing yourself is meditation.

How do you meditate? People often make this sound like something only a Yogi sitting in an ashram could do. But it’s actually quite simple. You sit comfortably in a quiet place and you pay attention to your thoughts.

You get the hang of what it feels like to let your thoughts and emotions just be there. All sorts of thoughts may come up, but rather than squelch them or obsess over them, acknowledge them, let them go, and come back to being here.

As Pema Chodron, an American Buddhist nun, states in her lecture, When Things Fall Apart:

In practicing meditation, we’re not trying to live up to some kind of ideal—quite the opposite. We’re just being with our experience, whatever it is. “This very moment is the perfect teacher, and it’s always with us” is really a most profound instruction. Just seeing what’s going on - that’s the teaching right there.

Plan to meditate every day. Decide what will work for you. I may only meditate for 5 minutes some days—but I never meditate for more than 15 minutes. I’ve even learned to be meditative while I take care of other things during.

I’ve had many clients say to me, “I can’t meditate.” A lot of people may have been exposed to approaches to meditation which felt awkward, just overly spiritual or dogmatic or religious, and they recoiled and rejected it.

And a lot of people say, “I did it once, and it didn’t work.” So you must understand that meditation is not a silver bullet. It’s is not something where you say, “Okay, I’m going to do it, and it’s going to fix everything in the moment.” It’s more like training a puppy—and anyone who has done that knows how many setbacks that involves.

It gets back to what I was saying about dialoguing with your fears. Meditation is a practice. If I sat you down in front of a piano opened

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up a beautiful piece of music by Mozart and then just said, ‘Play’, you would think I was nuts, right? And if at that point you said, “I can’t,” and I started berating you for not being able to play this extraordinary piece of music, you’d think I was completely off the wall.

When it comes to meditation and mindfulness, that’s what we do ourselves. We expect that we should just be able to sit down and master it instantly, but it’s much more like learning an instrument. It takes a commitment over time, it takes a commitment to sit and do it every day. And as we do this, it gets easier. It starts to become more comfortable, and the impact becomes extraordinary without you really intending it to become so.

The important thing is to develop a daily practice of becoming aware of your thoughts.

And that, my friend, are the 6 simple-but-not-easy steps to knowing yourself! What do you think? Are you inspired by the prospect of adopting them? Or exhausted?

Here’s the thing: you add any one of these steps to your life and I know you’ll experience more satisfaction, meaning and joy in your life.

one Last Thing

I want you to decide right now which one step you’re going to take as a result of this book.

If you think, even maybe, that you might be able to... try it.

Nobody’s going to say it’s going to be easy. But you CAN do this. It WILL get easier. You WILL make progress.

And once you do that, you will start building a relationship with yourself – a relationship you can be proud of.

Do something today, even a tiny something.

Then give yourself permission to be prouder than you have ever been in your life. You can tell me what you did and I will celebrate with you!

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a note from stacey

If you liked The Purpose and Passion Guidebook, you’ll love the transformation you’ll experience working with me one-on-one.

I’d love to offer you a completely complimentary Discover Your Purpose Strategy Session that will give you an extremely specific, step-by-step process for getting more clarity on your dreams and serious traction on your goals.

To find out more and sign up, click here: http://www.staceycurnow.com/discoveryourpurpose/

I can’t wait to see you create the life of your dreams and I’d be honored to be the one who helps you do just that.

Thanks again for reading The Purpose and Passion Guidebook and I look forward to connecting with you soon!

One more thing: if you know someone who might benefit from this guide, please send them here. Thanks so much!

Take wonderful care, and much love,

P.S. Read my favorite client success stories on the next page!

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“It’s not selfish, but non-negotiable, to put myself first. I’ve had a habit of putting myself ‘last on my list’ of things to do. Working with Stacey taught me it’s not selfish but non-negotiable to put myself first on the list. While working with her I have gained a ton of tools for my self-care and a deep sense of ease in my life. I now know exactly what I need to nourish my body and soul, and this knowledge is priceless.”

Desiree Adaway, Asheville, NC

“I decided to work with Stacey because I was needing some clarity and help defining what I really wanted and how I wanted to be in my life. I had sort of lost myself and Stacey helped me find my way back, get on track for my dreams, and remember that I really have all I need.

When I have been in the midst of a crisis Stacey has been there to help me find my way out and take care of myself in the best way possible.

Stacey is skilled at keeping you on task and focused. She is working WITH you and on things that YOU WANT for yourself. She is a great motivator and resource.

I appreciate so much all the energy and attention she gives me. The investment in myself was totally worth it.”

Colleen Fleming, Portland, OR

“When I started working with Stacey, I was going through a pretty tough and emotional divorce. I felt lost, confused and overwhelmed about what my next steps should be. Stacey encouraged me to dream big and…where do I go from there?! Well, I just made the decision to move to LA! Wha-hooooo!!! So many incredible opportunities and connections directly related to what I want to do in my life just came to me. With everything that came to light, my dreams have been ignited, and I know I’ll accomplish them.

While I’m saying goodbye to one chapter in my life, I’m continuing to focus on the many endless opportunities for the next exciting chapter in my life! I’m always keeping in mind what Stacey always taught me, that “I know I’ll know!” RIGHT!?!?! LOVE IT.

Considering where I was a year ago and what I’ve focused on this past year, thanks to Stacey’s encouragement to dream big, I’d say the world is my oyster and I’m ready to dive right in!

Karri Brantley, Los Angeles, CA

“Stacey really listened and helped me dig deep to uncover what it is that I want to achieve on every level, and the tools Stacey has given me have worked in all areas of my life from work to family relationships. When I started working with her, I had a hard time meeting self-imposed deadlines. To me, creativity meant not being bound by a schedule. Stacey helped me see that creativity can actually flourish when I block out time for my priorities in a given

success stories!

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day or week. Being accountable for how I spent my time gave me focus, and I can already see a difference in how I approach my life.”

Laura Reeth, Raleigh, NC

“Ever since my husband died unexpectedly 7 years ago, I’ve struggled with feelings of loneliness and isolation. Depression and hopelessness have been my default settings.

I worked through another “self-help” program last year, but the constant message was that I should be able to get my perfect job and make my dreams happen no matter what the economy or situation. All it ended up doing was making me feel bad.

Stacey’s program is different because she shares her struggles and what works for her in an atmosphere of growth. It makes me feel empowered.My whole attitude towards life and living has changed drastically and I feel I’m just going up and up. I do still have an occasional bad day or feelings of overwhelm but by and large I am much happier and plan to stay that way.

The personal coaching Stacey offers is nothing short of amazing —her program is such a bargain!—Stacey is a miracle worker, and I thank her from the bottom of my heart and soul.”

Liz Curtin, New York, NY