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Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation · PDF file...

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  • 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat

    Working Through My Anger, Resentment, and Manipulation

    — Pat M. - Virginia

    CoDA

  • 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat

    Lullaby Lyrics: Are You Sleeping

    Are you sleeping,

    are you sleeping

    Brother John,

    Brother John

    Morning bells are ringing,

    Morning bells are ringing

    Ding, Dong, Ding

    Ding, Dong, Ding

  • 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat

    Pre CoDA Tune: Are You Sleeping

    I am angry

    I am angry

    It’s their fault

    It’s their fault

    Cause they hurt my feelings

    Cause they hurt my feelings

    Shoot them dead

    For what they said.

  • 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat

    Early CoDA Tune: Three Blind Mice

    Oh blind me

    I can’t see

    How I blocked

    My serenity.

    I looked to the world for my happiness

    But it left my life in an awful mess

    The steps really work, that I hate to confess,

    For serenity!

  • 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat

    Later CoDA Tune: Row, Row, Row Your Boat

    When I work the Steps

    Doing what they mean.

    Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily

    Life is now serene.

  • Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

  • What I thought

    my recovery would

    look like.

  • What my recovery

    really looked like.

  • Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

    Our goal in recovery is to become happy, joyous,

    and free.

    With time in recovery, we come to learn that every

    thought, every person, every apparent problem we

    have is here for our sake, so we can learn and

    grow.

    This workshop will examine our attitudes and beliefs

    that block us from being the person we really want

    to be especially as it relates to anger, resentments

    and manipulation.

  • Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

    Two ways to look at Anger, Resentment &

    Manipulation

    1. How we use anger, resentments, and

    manipulation

    2. How we react to other peoples anger, their

    resentments towards us, and their attempts to

    manipulate us.

  • Anger & Resentments

    • Am I anger or irritated with someone?

    • Do I have resentments?

    1st

    Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

  • What is driving my anger and my resentments?

    Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

  • Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

  • List the people, institutions, principles

    or ideas with which I am (or have been)

    irritated, upset, or had a resentment

    Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

  • Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

    What happened?

    List the evidence or justification

  • When something doesn’t meet my expectations,

    I use to believe,

    it must be his/her fault?

    Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

    “It’s not my fault! If they would just change, I would not be so frustrated!”

  • I was expecting other to “do it correctly”

    and for them to do it “right”

    Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

  • What am I willing to be responsible for in this?

    What is the exact nature of my mistakes?

     Selfish or Self-Centered or Self-Seeking

     Dishonest (my dishonest thinking or deluded thinking)

     Fearful

     Inconsiderate

    Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

  • Examples of my character defects:

    Selfishness

    I want what I want. I want it now.

    I become angry when I don’t get it.

    I want people to behave or act in a manner I think

    they should. I become angry when they don’t!

    Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

    Examples of Selfishness, Dishonesty, Self-Seeking, Fear and

    Inconsideration by Mike B. and revised by Pat M.

  • Dishonesty

    I think I know what’s best for me and everyone else.

    I believe people are capable of being different from

    what they are or they are capable of doing what I

    think they should be doing.

    I act as if others have the key to my happiness. The

    idea that other people or their behavior can actually

    change my self-worth or self-esteem (positively or

    negatively) is false.

    I tend to minimize my part and exaggerate their part

    in a misunderstanding or resentment.

    Examples of Selfishness, Dishonesty, Self-Seeking, Fear and

    Inconsideration by Mike B. and revised by Pat M.

    Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

  • Examples of my character defects:

    Fear

    I’m afraid I won’t get what I want. I’m afraid of what

    people think of me or might think of me. I’m afraid I

    won’t get the respect or the approval of others. I’m

    afraid to take responsibility for my own life. I’m afraid

    of the consequences of being truthful. I’m afraid of

    conflict and confrontation. I will tell you what I think

    you want to hear or tell you what I think you will find

    acceptable. I am afraid to tell you what I really think

    or feel.

    Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

    Examples of Selfishness, Dishonesty, Self-Seeking, Fear and

    Inconsideration by Mike B. and revised by Pat M.

  • Examples of my character defects:

    Inconsideration

    If I am in resentment, I am inconsiderate in its literal

    meaning to myself and everyone in my life.

    When I mind other people’s business

    I am being inconsiderate.

    When I don’t consider the consequences of my

    behavior,

    I am being inconsiderate.

    Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

    Examples of Selfishness, Dishonesty, Self-Seeking, Fear and

    Inconsideration by Mike B. and revised by Pat M.

  • Trying to get someone to act or be different

    than what they are

    is like…

    Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

  • And, all this effort, only leaves me frustrated

    Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

    and it annoys the cats!

  • Even if my efforts are sweet!

    Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

  • What are the hidden payoffs for

    holding on to this resentment?

    • Making someone “wrong”

    • Getting to be “right” or “better-than”

    • Avoiding taking the risk of action

    • Not owning the problem

    • Getting to “play the victim”

    • Able to dominant (control) or avoid being

    dominated (controlled)

    • Etc.

    Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

  • What does holding onto this resentment

    “cost” me and my life?

    • Serenity?

    • Happiness?

    • Deep Joy?

    • Fulfillment?

    • Honest Self-Expression?

    • Spiritual Connection?

    • Empowerment?

    • Love & Close, Honest,

    Truly Intimate

    Relationships?

    • Physical or Emotional

    Well-Being?

    • Etc.

    Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

  • Stuff that gets passed on to us…

    Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

  • I can clean up using the steps.

    Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

  • But if I don’t continue my

    program…

    Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

  • Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

    Maintenance Steps

    Step 10

    Step 11

    Step 12

  • Manipulation What does it look like?

    My sister and I started creating a list of behaviors

    that were attempts by other to get us to

    act, believe, or do what they wanted.

    Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

    Then we remembered that we needed to

    look at our behaviors not the behaviors of others.

    So, how had we tried to manipulate others.

  • Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

  • Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

    How we react

    to other

    peoples anger

    and/or their

    resentments

    towards us?

    2nd

  • Cat

    Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

    •How do you react to someone anger?

  • Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

  • Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

    When confronted with someone else’s anger,

    what program tools can we use to keep our cool

    And help us respond in a healthy manner?

    ?

  • Ang

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