2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat
Working Through My Anger, Resentment, and Manipulation
— Pat M. - Virginia
CoDA
2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat
Lullaby Lyrics: Are You Sleeping
Are you sleeping,
are you sleeping
Brother John,
Brother John
Morning bells are ringing,
Morning bells are ringing
Ding, Dong, Ding
Ding, Dong, Ding
2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat
Pre CoDA Tune: Are You Sleeping
I am angry
I am angry
It’s their fault
It’s their fault
Cause they hurt my feelings
Cause they hurt my feelings
Shoot them dead
For what they said.
2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat
Early CoDA Tune: Three Blind Mice
Oh blind me
I can’t see
How I blocked
My serenity.
I looked to the world for my happiness
But it left my life in an awful mess
The steps really work, that I hate to confess,
For serenity!
2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat
Later CoDA Tune: Row, Row, Row Your Boat
When I work the Steps
Doing what they mean.
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
Life is now serene.
Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation
What I thought
my recovery would
look like.
What my recovery
really looked like.
Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation
Our goal in recovery is to become happy, joyous,
and free.
With time in recovery, we come to learn that every
thought, every person, every apparent problem we
have is here for our sake, so we can learn and
grow.
This workshop will examine our attitudes and beliefs
that block us from being the person we really want
to be especially as it relates to anger, resentments
and manipulation.
Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation
Two ways to look at Anger, Resentment &
Manipulation
1. How we use anger, resentments, and
manipulation
2. How we react to other peoples anger, their
resentments towards us, and their attempts to
manipulate us.
Anger & Resentments
• Am I anger or irritated with someone?
• Do I have resentments?
1st
Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation
What is driving my anger and my resentments?
Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation
Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation
List the people, institutions, principles
or ideas with which I am (or have been)
irritated, upset, or had a resentment
Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation
Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation
What happened?
List the evidence or justification
When something doesn’t meet my expectations,
I use to believe,
it must be his/her fault?
Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation
“It’s not my fault! If they would just change, I would not be so frustrated!”
I was expecting other to “do it correctly”
and for them to do it “right”
Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation
What am I willing to be responsible for in this?
What is the exact nature of my mistakes?
Selfish or Self-Centered or Self-Seeking
Dishonest (my dishonest thinking or deluded
thinking)
Fearful
Inconsiderate
Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation
Examples of my character defects:
Selfishness
I want what I want. I want it now.
I become angry when I don’t get it.
I want people to behave or act in a manner I think
they should. I become angry when they don’t!
Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation
Examples of Selfishness, Dishonesty, Self-Seeking, Fear and
Inconsideration by Mike B. and revised by Pat M.
Dishonesty
I think I know what’s best for me and everyone else.
I believe people are capable of being different from
what they are or they are capable of doing what I
think they should be doing.
I act as if others have the key to my happiness. The
idea that other people or their behavior can actually
change my self-worth or self-esteem (positively or
negatively) is false.
I tend to minimize my part and exaggerate their part
in a misunderstanding or resentment.
Examples of Selfishness, Dishonesty, Self-Seeking, Fear and
Inconsideration by Mike B. and revised by Pat M.
Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation
Examples of my character defects:
Fear
I’m afraid I won’t get what I want. I’m afraid of what
people think of me or might think of me. I’m afraid I
won’t get the respect or the approval of others. I’m
afraid to take responsibility for my own life. I’m afraid
of the consequences of being truthful. I’m afraid of
conflict and confrontation. I will tell you what I think
you want to hear or tell you what I think you will find
acceptable. I am afraid to tell you what I really think
or feel.
Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation
Examples of Selfishness, Dishonesty, Self-Seeking, Fear and
Inconsideration by Mike B. and revised by Pat M.
Examples of my character defects:
Inconsideration
If I am in resentment, I am inconsiderate in its literal
meaning to myself and everyone in my life.
When I mind other people’s business
I am being inconsiderate.
When I don’t consider the consequences of my
behavior,
I am being inconsiderate.
Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation
Examples of Selfishness, Dishonesty, Self-Seeking, Fear and
Inconsideration by Mike B. and revised by Pat M.
Trying to get someone to act or be different
than what they are
is like…
Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation
And, all this effort, only leaves me frustrated
Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation
and it annoys the cats!
Even if my efforts are sweet!
Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation
What are the hidden payoffs for
holding on to this resentment?
• Making someone “wrong”
• Getting to be “right” or “better-than”
• Avoiding taking the risk of action
• Not owning the problem
• Getting to “play the victim”
• Able to dominant (control) or avoid being
dominated (controlled)
• Etc.
Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation
What does holding onto this resentment
“cost” me and my life?
• Serenity?
• Happiness?
• Deep Joy?
• Fulfillment?
• Honest Self-Expression?
• Spiritual Connection?
• Empowerment?
• Love & Close, Honest,
Truly Intimate
Relationships?
• Physical or Emotional
Well-Being?
• Etc.
Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation
Stuff that gets passed on to us…
Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation
I can clean up using the steps.
Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation
But if I don’t continue my
program…
Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation
Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation
Maintenance Steps
Step 10
Step 11
Step 12
Manipulation What does it look like?
My sister and I started creating a list of behaviors
that were attempts by other to get us to
act, believe, or do what they wanted.
Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation
Then we remembered that we needed to
look at our behaviors not the behaviors of others.
So, how had we tried to manipulate others.
Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation
Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation
How we react
to other
peoples anger
and/or their
resentments
towards us?
2nd
Cat
Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation
•How do you react to someone anger?
Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation
Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation
When confronted with someone else’s anger,
what program tools can we use to keep our cool
And help us respond in a healthy manner?
?
Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation
• Breath
• Who’s anger is this?
• When my safety is not at risk, I can
take time to make choices about my
responses. I don't have to react
instantly to provocation, and I am not
obligated to justify myself to anyone.
• Call my sponsor and brainstorm
options.
2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat
Thoughts?
Comments?
Questions?
2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat
More Recovery Resources from CoDA Books:
•Codependents Anonymous, The basic text or “Big Book” of Codependence Anonymous •CoDA Twelve Step and Twelve Tradition Workbook •NEWCOMERS HANDBOOK, •TOOLS OF RECOVERY, •Sponsorship: What’s in it for Me?, •Peeling the Onion, •Communication in Recovery, •Making Choices, •Twelve Steps Handbook, •BUILDING CODA COMMUNITY: HEALTHY MEETINGS MATTER, •Common Threads of Codependency, •EXPERIENCES WITH CROSSTALK, •Establishing Boundaries in Recovery, •CARRYING THE MESSAGE: LIVING THE TWELFTH STEP.
Audio CDs: •Personal Sharing on the Twelve Steps, •Codependency and Shame, •Newcomers and Sponsorship
Find Them At WWW.CODA.ORG