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2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat Working Through My Anger, Resentment, and Manipulation Pat M. - Virginia CoDA
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Page 1: Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation · 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat Working Through My Anger, Resentment, and Manipulation — Pat M. - Virginia CoDA

2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat

Working Through My Anger, Resentment, and Manipulation

— Pat M. - Virginia

CoDA

Page 2: Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation · 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat Working Through My Anger, Resentment, and Manipulation — Pat M. - Virginia CoDA

2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat

Lullaby Lyrics: Are You Sleeping

Are you sleeping,

are you sleeping

Brother John,

Brother John

Morning bells are ringing,

Morning bells are ringing

Ding, Dong, Ding

Ding, Dong, Ding

Page 3: Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation · 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat Working Through My Anger, Resentment, and Manipulation — Pat M. - Virginia CoDA

2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat

Pre CoDA Tune: Are You Sleeping

I am angry

I am angry

It’s their fault

It’s their fault

Cause they hurt my feelings

Cause they hurt my feelings

Shoot them dead

For what they said.

Page 4: Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation · 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat Working Through My Anger, Resentment, and Manipulation — Pat M. - Virginia CoDA

2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat

Early CoDA Tune: Three Blind Mice

Oh blind me

I can’t see

How I blocked

My serenity.

I looked to the world for my happiness

But it left my life in an awful mess

The steps really work, that I hate to confess,

For serenity!

Page 5: Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation · 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat Working Through My Anger, Resentment, and Manipulation — Pat M. - Virginia CoDA

2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat

Later CoDA Tune: Row, Row, Row Your Boat

When I work the Steps

Doing what they mean.

Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily

Life is now serene.

Page 6: Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation · 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat Working Through My Anger, Resentment, and Manipulation — Pat M. - Virginia CoDA

Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

Page 7: Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation · 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat Working Through My Anger, Resentment, and Manipulation — Pat M. - Virginia CoDA

What I thought

my recovery would

look like.

Page 8: Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation · 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat Working Through My Anger, Resentment, and Manipulation — Pat M. - Virginia CoDA

What my recovery

really looked like.

Page 9: Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation · 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat Working Through My Anger, Resentment, and Manipulation — Pat M. - Virginia CoDA

Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

Our goal in recovery is to become happy, joyous,

and free.

With time in recovery, we come to learn that every

thought, every person, every apparent problem we

have is here for our sake, so we can learn and

grow.

This workshop will examine our attitudes and beliefs

that block us from being the person we really want

to be especially as it relates to anger, resentments

and manipulation.

Page 10: Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation · 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat Working Through My Anger, Resentment, and Manipulation — Pat M. - Virginia CoDA

Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

Two ways to look at Anger, Resentment &

Manipulation

1. How we use anger, resentments, and

manipulation

2. How we react to other peoples anger, their

resentments towards us, and their attempts to

manipulate us.

Page 11: Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation · 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat Working Through My Anger, Resentment, and Manipulation — Pat M. - Virginia CoDA

Anger & Resentments

• Am I anger or irritated with someone?

• Do I have resentments?

1st

Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

Page 12: Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation · 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat Working Through My Anger, Resentment, and Manipulation — Pat M. - Virginia CoDA

What is driving my anger and my resentments?

Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

Page 13: Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation · 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat Working Through My Anger, Resentment, and Manipulation — Pat M. - Virginia CoDA

Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

Page 14: Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation · 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat Working Through My Anger, Resentment, and Manipulation — Pat M. - Virginia CoDA

List the people, institutions, principles

or ideas with which I am (or have been)

irritated, upset, or had a resentment

Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

Page 15: Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation · 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat Working Through My Anger, Resentment, and Manipulation — Pat M. - Virginia CoDA

Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

What happened?

List the evidence or justification

Page 16: Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation · 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat Working Through My Anger, Resentment, and Manipulation — Pat M. - Virginia CoDA

When something doesn’t meet my expectations,

I use to believe,

it must be his/her fault?

Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

“It’s not my fault! If they would just change, I would not be so frustrated!”

Page 17: Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation · 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat Working Through My Anger, Resentment, and Manipulation — Pat M. - Virginia CoDA

I was expecting other to “do it correctly”

and for them to do it “right”

Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

Page 18: Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation · 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat Working Through My Anger, Resentment, and Manipulation — Pat M. - Virginia CoDA

What am I willing to be responsible for in this?

What is the exact nature of my mistakes?

Selfish or Self-Centered or Self-Seeking

Dishonest (my dishonest thinking or deluded

thinking)

Fearful

Inconsiderate

Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

Page 19: Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation · 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat Working Through My Anger, Resentment, and Manipulation — Pat M. - Virginia CoDA

Examples of my character defects:

Selfishness

I want what I want. I want it now.

I become angry when I don’t get it.

I want people to behave or act in a manner I think

they should. I become angry when they don’t!

Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

Examples of Selfishness, Dishonesty, Self-Seeking, Fear and

Inconsideration by Mike B. and revised by Pat M.

Page 20: Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation · 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat Working Through My Anger, Resentment, and Manipulation — Pat M. - Virginia CoDA

Dishonesty

I think I know what’s best for me and everyone else.

I believe people are capable of being different from

what they are or they are capable of doing what I

think they should be doing.

I act as if others have the key to my happiness. The

idea that other people or their behavior can actually

change my self-worth or self-esteem (positively or

negatively) is false.

I tend to minimize my part and exaggerate their part

in a misunderstanding or resentment.

Examples of Selfishness, Dishonesty, Self-Seeking, Fear and

Inconsideration by Mike B. and revised by Pat M.

Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

Page 21: Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation · 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat Working Through My Anger, Resentment, and Manipulation — Pat M. - Virginia CoDA

Examples of my character defects:

Fear

I’m afraid I won’t get what I want. I’m afraid of what

people think of me or might think of me. I’m afraid I

won’t get the respect or the approval of others. I’m

afraid to take responsibility for my own life. I’m afraid

of the consequences of being truthful. I’m afraid of

conflict and confrontation. I will tell you what I think

you want to hear or tell you what I think you will find

acceptable. I am afraid to tell you what I really think

or feel.

Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

Examples of Selfishness, Dishonesty, Self-Seeking, Fear and

Inconsideration by Mike B. and revised by Pat M.

Page 22: Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation · 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat Working Through My Anger, Resentment, and Manipulation — Pat M. - Virginia CoDA

Examples of my character defects:

Inconsideration

If I am in resentment, I am inconsiderate in its literal

meaning to myself and everyone in my life.

When I mind other people’s business

I am being inconsiderate.

When I don’t consider the consequences of my

behavior,

I am being inconsiderate.

Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

Examples of Selfishness, Dishonesty, Self-Seeking, Fear and

Inconsideration by Mike B. and revised by Pat M.

Page 23: Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation · 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat Working Through My Anger, Resentment, and Manipulation — Pat M. - Virginia CoDA

Trying to get someone to act or be different

than what they are

is like…

Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

Page 24: Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation · 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat Working Through My Anger, Resentment, and Manipulation — Pat M. - Virginia CoDA

And, all this effort, only leaves me frustrated

Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

and it annoys the cats!

Page 25: Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation · 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat Working Through My Anger, Resentment, and Manipulation — Pat M. - Virginia CoDA

Even if my efforts are sweet!

Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

Page 26: Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation · 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat Working Through My Anger, Resentment, and Manipulation — Pat M. - Virginia CoDA

What are the hidden payoffs for

holding on to this resentment?

• Making someone “wrong”

• Getting to be “right” or “better-than”

• Avoiding taking the risk of action

• Not owning the problem

• Getting to “play the victim”

• Able to dominant (control) or avoid being

dominated (controlled)

• Etc.

Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

Page 27: Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation · 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat Working Through My Anger, Resentment, and Manipulation — Pat M. - Virginia CoDA

What does holding onto this resentment

“cost” me and my life?

• Serenity?

• Happiness?

• Deep Joy?

• Fulfillment?

• Honest Self-Expression?

• Spiritual Connection?

• Empowerment?

• Love & Close, Honest,

Truly Intimate

Relationships?

• Physical or Emotional

Well-Being?

• Etc.

Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

Page 28: Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation · 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat Working Through My Anger, Resentment, and Manipulation — Pat M. - Virginia CoDA

Stuff that gets passed on to us…

Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

Page 29: Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation · 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat Working Through My Anger, Resentment, and Manipulation — Pat M. - Virginia CoDA

I can clean up using the steps.

Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

Page 30: Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation · 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat Working Through My Anger, Resentment, and Manipulation — Pat M. - Virginia CoDA

But if I don’t continue my

program…

Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

Page 31: Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation · 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat Working Through My Anger, Resentment, and Manipulation — Pat M. - Virginia CoDA

Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

Maintenance Steps

Step 10

Step 11

Step 12

Page 32: Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation · 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat Working Through My Anger, Resentment, and Manipulation — Pat M. - Virginia CoDA

Manipulation What does it look like?

My sister and I started creating a list of behaviors

that were attempts by other to get us to

act, believe, or do what they wanted.

Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

Then we remembered that we needed to

look at our behaviors not the behaviors of others.

So, how had we tried to manipulate others.

Page 33: Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation · 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat Working Through My Anger, Resentment, and Manipulation — Pat M. - Virginia CoDA

Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

Page 34: Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation · 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat Working Through My Anger, Resentment, and Manipulation — Pat M. - Virginia CoDA

Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

How we react

to other

peoples anger

and/or their

resentments

towards us?

2nd

Page 35: Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation · 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat Working Through My Anger, Resentment, and Manipulation — Pat M. - Virginia CoDA

Cat

Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

•How do you react to someone anger?

Page 36: Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation · 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat Working Through My Anger, Resentment, and Manipulation — Pat M. - Virginia CoDA

Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

Page 37: Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation · 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat Working Through My Anger, Resentment, and Manipulation — Pat M. - Virginia CoDA

Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

When confronted with someone else’s anger,

what program tools can we use to keep our cool

And help us respond in a healthy manner?

?

Page 38: Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation · 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat Working Through My Anger, Resentment, and Manipulation — Pat M. - Virginia CoDA

Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation

• Breath

• Who’s anger is this?

• When my safety is not at risk, I can

take time to make choices about my

responses. I don't have to react

instantly to provocation, and I am not

obligated to justify myself to anyone.

• Call my sponsor and brainstorm

options.

Page 39: Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation · 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat Working Through My Anger, Resentment, and Manipulation — Pat M. - Virginia CoDA

2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat

Thoughts?

Comments?

Questions?

Page 40: Anger, Resentment, & Manipulation · 2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat Working Through My Anger, Resentment, and Manipulation — Pat M. - Virginia CoDA

2017 Face Everything and Recover Retreat

More Recovery Resources from CoDA Books:

•Codependents Anonymous, The basic text or “Big Book” of Codependence Anonymous •CoDA Twelve Step and Twelve Tradition Workbook •NEWCOMERS HANDBOOK, •TOOLS OF RECOVERY, •Sponsorship: What’s in it for Me?, •Peeling the Onion, •Communication in Recovery, •Making Choices, •Twelve Steps Handbook, •BUILDING CODA COMMUNITY: HEALTHY MEETINGS MATTER, •Common Threads of Codependency, •EXPERIENCES WITH CROSSTALK, •Establishing Boundaries in Recovery, •CARRYING THE MESSAGE: LIVING THE TWELFTH STEP.

Audio CDs: •Personal Sharing on the Twelve Steps, •Codependency and Shame, •Newcomers and Sponsorship

Find Them At WWW.CODA.ORG


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