TFREPORT

NIrfER IN DOUBTUP . O . B o x 2 2 L I 3 UOFTEN TN ERROR - cA 94L22

Apr i l , L99o Happy Apri l Fools!

food, fashion and entertainment --a ^-r-EE- FA8HION - The fur and fashion industries, eager to deflect charges

THE FUR FLIE8 OVER AI{IIiAL PATBNTS

while ethicists debate the philosophical inpl ications of animal r ights' a

p"=r" of global cabals is pirrsuing- an _entirbly. disparite agenda patent

i ight, fof latroratory creatld aninits. That's r ignt, Americaworrd wilr soon

L"-aorirrg out. r"w.t-ding new trust for dollar-hungry rnerchandisers: 17 years

of uninterrnft"a rnon5pofy over living genLt-ically. altered animal

creations - rear Gartierd 6ats and Donard autrs. This insidious plot is

rooted in the three fundamental and requisite industries of the 1990s

; i ki l l ing animals, has secretly developed clockus minkus, achromati"ail-y transformed rodent with a soft luxurious pelt and.abuilt-in horhonal tirneclock which causes the critter to connitsuicide at two Years of age.FOOD Love th6se turkey legs? What if you get six to a bird

instead of just two? or how -arout

a bloodless burger to go with

those fries?ENTERTAINTTENT - with patent protection, characters like the llinjaTurtTes and Tony the Tiger witt come to life as inventions, notworks of authorinip, eti'rninating problenatic issues of freedom ofspeech and celeUriiy endorsements. Every kid will ylttt their ownU'ickey Mouse tri* glnetically nodif ied g-f inger.hands) and specialUicfe-y food pelleti, supplernLnts and caged environments. And thei""iri"iv lilcensing po-tlntiaI is phenomenal French geneticengineer-s have repo-rt6afy developed I{y New Birds which are MynahUiias progralnmed io spea[ warning phrases (High Voltage: Stay outof this Area!) or whi-stte trre notting stones catalogue. And getready for perfect pet pals l ike Deputy Pog

- a small apartment size

caninJwith a -s1ow

rnetabori3m lfor longer tine between warks) and Doberman

sized bark, ot t t lrs. Catz a biological ly altered fel ine, trained to enpty

i i= "r" ritty ritter box. with thi; arrelomorphic world of genetic wonder,

we will no longer be saddened by species extinction or animal cruelty and we

w i 1 1 f i n a I I y f i n d t h e I o n g - m i s s 1 n g 1 i n k b e t w e e n L a s s i e " w

0T/I th6 Editorfhie Ain,t No CeDsus! How time fl ies when you're under housearrest. It 's been twelve long months since you last took Pen topaper and advised us as to your perrsonal-bel ie fs , whims, and-opinions.

so thanks once again for taking the time to respond tooir confidentiat Annual Readership Survey. And for those of youtoo busy to give us a few precious moments of your valuable time,we suggest you check very carefully under your bed tonightt Lookfor the survey results - next ishl

@ A&R 1990

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Lor:� rpu5 ;*a11inq ,,*h A+R,r* l,e went bace{6o* so^t'ne1 + fi l,'K.d Io *ou"hh ir feet (n o'.i 'il f t,.t ro I I 'J ' irn *p street) . Lo u fr Ked +o malk Ets own a{Ge+ usu d d. ct p

"n, ilod bror4rt *i{h t ;-. fle hal crl his hair. And he liked

*o stand a+ 'lhe #orrt windowg looVrng at the heach + wi,l,it,4 in +his 6ook-that had blanK page5.A ne,rer o^ge iried .lo s" e what he ilor'wii/rq(\oet $brdg

'be-lferre U? -.d) Lou u^ronted + go see "The YilYfig

RocK 0 reoynl cont'd. . .af a ChineSe BooKie" + so *hey urefc fo"kinO

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$,05 on on h{ at 7 p+a + L6r satl he p r, {effed going J- the m ovieS

during_ rhe'dw1. tuergwhecc Lou looked in tl,re house lhere rlos ^

l-v ?..d tin-q haoo.i,na , fil(e a shcine A t'o I rnade {eatvitnq *heclrliryle o{ u-Xorv'ro tt'oi Jul;etle

" v,hith was a gi{t #o^ A'tkitn{ Hr. then l^" rcad atl lhe t^6u ?rrJ rock

'drearnt'm bacK

tseoee o{ the A*R Repoif + Jaw c.ncet pholrs o{ himsel{ *akenwrtta a ?oovn. len1, C..rrira 0n \0 rious lolu poifs. -fhen soneho$Lot, 6"nd o"t A y"l *rirl"i ; tr"q-*rottid'*'Lo, RreJ's iJo'tr" + ,e\rn *!'o *':. n,n^ poitrcu h.lj ,r*; h rrrforg , 10, ,oi cool obout'rl

* he Jutt Kept $idinq otl *hrte 'L*

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house + A rto.t.d &r"lrq lil(e a ,rof *r.fo rr 3u";* )hinq + whilesitl,i,rq on 't1',e {looc sd,l-Io l^ou " 6?d I eel {err',[le. V, Lurt be+hinftng J'* Some ki"d o{ +lih.rleT'* A r^,05 aln,qt cr5f T

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I don'{ I\inV- gou're like John Hinckln d oll"" And du.rng theu,ho\t dteah,\^rii l.ft lus+ Seevnn4d {' crto on + oo, (qou're Iit l, itq

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This ish we cast Taj Mahal, a sc.eenplay by Paige Turner, based on the Trump scandal.The story: A crazed boxer - who believes his wife is having an affair - makes a Rambo-like assault during

the opening of an east coast casino. Hotel tycoon and head of security buddy-up to stop the rampage.

Character

DONALD40ish nouveau-riche

tycoon in the midst ofa messy divorce

IVANADonald's wife, a

former East Europeanmodel/skier

MARLADonald's mistress,

twenty-ishmodel/actress

MIKEBitter ex-champ

ROBINMike's wife and afriend of Donald

HARRY WILLSHead of casino

security andex-Green Beret

Feature Film Made for CableMovie

Made for TVMovie

DON JOHNSON(Unless he wants too

much money,otherwise)

ED HARRIS

POWERS BOOTHE(Unless they want a

friendlier lead,otherwise)

PERRY KING

CRAIG T. NELSON(Unless Coach won'tlet him, otherwise)WAYNE ROGERS

FAYE DUNAWAY(Unless she demands

script approval,otherwise)

DYAN CANNON

LEE REMICK(Unless she won't do

cable, otherwise)SALLY

KELLERMAN

LINDSAY WAGNER(Unless she demands

a co-productiondeal, otherwise)

LORETTA SWIT

LOLITADAVIDOVITCH

(Provided she'll dyeher hair, otherwise)BRIDGET FONDA

NICOLETTBSHERIDAN

(Provided she'll do atopless scene,

otherwise)DONNA RICE

MARLA MAPLES(Unless she feels

exploited, otherwise)JUDY LANDERS

DANNY GLOVER(Provided he can fitit in before Lethal

Weapon 3, otherwise)YAPHET KOTTO

ISAAC HAYES(Provided he gives

up the chains,otherwise)

ROLAND GIFT

MR. T(Provided he gives

up the chains,otherwise)

PHILIP MICHAELTHOMAS

LISA BONET(Unless she gets

wardrobe approval,otherwise)

CATHY (Mona Lisa)TYSON

IMAN(Provided she'll gotopless with IsaacHayes, otherwise)

BEVERLYJOHNSON

ROBIN GIVENS(Unless she feels

exploited, otherwise)JACKEE

MICHAEL KEATON(Unless he wants too

much money,otherwise)

WILLEM DAFOE

MICHAELMORIARTY

(Unless they want afriendlier lead,

otherwise)FREDERICFORREST

ROBERT ULRICH(Unless Spencerwon't let him,

otherwise)JOHN SCHNEIDER

Thanks ro B. Anderson for the John Waters version: Donald - Tommy LaSorda; Ivana - Tammy Faye Baker;Marla - Susan Tyrell; Mike - Gary Coleman; Robin - Whoopi Goldberg; Harry Wills - Brian Bosworth.

\truT1{? .o a

- J l l e -lrlt t!l l ! - .

He Hates Bad \ffalkersDear A&R: Nobody knows how to walkanymore. People walk too slow,they ' re real ly rude and they don' tIook where they ' re going. They ' I lEtep into the street and not evenlook - and then they ' l l Etar tscreaming if a car almost hite them.Sometimeg someone wil l etep in frontof me instead of waiting a second.Then, they'l l walk too glow so I bumpinto them. Somet imes, f 'm walk ing inone direction and eomebody going inthe other direction cuts in front ofme. When I walk up or down stairs,slow people all get together andwon' t le t me through. Is th ishappening all over, or just inFlor ida? f t 's aE i f people aret ry ing to say something to me. What 'swronq; with me? Melville Goodnan,Coral Gables, Florida.

Dear Mel: There'g nothing hrrong withyou. The debil itating conditionknown as homeo pedasoris is spreadingaround the globe. The stiffenedcadence and torpid gait now Eoprevalent among our fellow humans iscaused by the deterioration ofnatural biorhythms. This sluggishbitter condition is further maqnifiedby the prevalence of running- shoeewhich have removed the phyeicalimpediments cauged by low tractionleather heels and uncomfortablefemale shoe designs. The only hopeig to promote international awarenessthrough public relations effortg suchas National Walking Etiquette Day.Good luck.

She Hates Noisy BagsDear A&Rs fn your February ish, SuEanStekel of Virginia complained aboutbags. I have a related problem. Ihate the sound of bags, eepecia l lythe ner^r plastic bags that just keepmaking noise even after you put themdown. Sometimes when I hear €romeoneopening or closing one of these bags,I feel asr if the world has ended andthe only sound left is thekrinkle-krinkle din of theee bags.

What's hrrong with me? Mini Youssof,Baldwin, l f .Y.

Dear Mini: There'g nothing wrongwith you. Recent studies have shownthat the clamor of rattl ing bags cancause serj-oue and long termemotional damage. The SurgeonGeneral is reportedly consideringwarning labele which will adviseconEumers of this potential injury.Meanwhile try to protect youreardrume by using sound silencers.

He Can't Take AdviceDear A&Rl I work aE an advicecolumnist but I have a diff icultt ime taking advice from people,especially about my column. Vilhenpeople gtve me euggestions I getagitated. What gives them the rightto give me advice? Does Joe Uontanahave to take advice from footballfans? Just because f give advice,doesn't mean I have to take it. Whydo I get go mad? 9ilhat's wrong withme? Greven Quicbedale, Eollywell,Connecticut.

Deer Gravens There'E nothing wrongwith you. Remember, what theMarquis de LaGrange once said: "!{henhre ask for advice, we are usuallylooking for an accomplice.,, Peoplewho write to advl-ce columns simptywant to be assured that others wil lshare their experiences andfeel ings. AE professional advicecolumnists, the staf f a t l lhat , sWrong With Me empathizes with yourposi t ion that unsol ic i ted advice isgeneral ly unneceaEary, superf luous,unwarranted, unjust i f ied andunfounded. However, remember thatpeople 's feel ings are easi ly hur t sotry to remain polite whendisregarding the counsel and wisdomof othere.

'What's Wrong With You?

If you feel l ike something's wrongwith you, write to tbe A&R Report,P.O. Box 22LL3, Sunset Stat ion,s . F . , c A 9 4 L 2 2 .

HOT & HAPPENINGrodoFOOTiSH ThiNGS 0n_10

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'aFTEN rN ERRaR - NErER tn ooufirn

1. I believe in

I wish I didn't have to

People say I'm , but that's because

I don't hate

You haven't lived until

6. The last tlme I threw up was

2.

3.

7. I

8. 1

9.

10 .

1 1 .

12.

13 .

never get tired of looking at

wish I had a nickel for every

I remember when

doesn't (don't) belong on TV.

cost

lf I was in a hospital, I'd like to share my room with

My mother told me not to

The last time I laughed until my face hurt was

14. Of all my body parts, I wish I could get a new

-- 15. I hope I never have to cleany' ru"r'

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