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e Pioneer ISSUE 10 NOV 18, 2010 Page 8 Backpage Cornujokia - Provision outlawing any and all John Boehner/ Boner jokes. Rider: All citizens must be tanned a beautiful orange hue. - Provision eliminating all taxes for anybody, ever, everywhere! Rider: Federal subsidies for RoadCorp, School- Corp and RobotPoliceCorp. - Ironically, taxes on imported tea will be increased in order to pay for Ben Quayle’s tennis lessons. - Obamacare repealed, replaced with Boehner- Care, a system wherein each family needing help with hospital bills must fight a giant robot before being allowed to pay for chemotherapy. Also: bon- ers. - Evolution to be taught alongside Intelligent De- sign at all major graduate schools. - New legislation will select one homeless person at random to switch places with Steve Jobs for a single day. 1. Go to high school and college. Obviously you need to take chemistry in both of these institutions. 2. Graduate cum laude from University of Arizona with a BA in chemistry, mainly because your mom says you won’t get married if you aren’t successful, and chemistry is an admirable major. 3. Go to graduate school with high hopes and bright eyes about the future because your graduation speaker was Mr. Rogers and he makes everything look bright-eyed, optimistic and kind. 4. Apply to intern at the top chemistry research institutes in the nation. en get drunk with your buddy Robby and take his advice to apply as a joke to SCENTEDucation, the all-scented office supply company down the street from the bar you are getting drunk at. 5. Take the only internship you can get, SCENTEDucation, and daydream about being a chemist with NASA or any other actually legitimate chemistry related job. Turns out having fingerprints in Cheeto dust on your applications shows a lack of professionalism. 6. Marry Rhonda, the woman you aren’t in love with, because it’s convenient and you really fell in love with the nanny from the show “Muppet Babies” when you were a child so there isn’t much hope in making that impossible relationship work. Rhonda is fine. She is nice. She makes a mean pot roast every night. 7. When the economy hit the 2008 recession, take the only job you can get at SCENTEDu- cation, which will probably work out fine because you have met some all right people, like Randy in accounting. You guys get along pretty well. He is a Bronco’s fan like you, but Rhonda doesn’t like his morals that much, so you kind of have to keep him away from the house. So you go to that same bar that you got drunk at with you old buddy Robby and watch the games and sometimes e “Muppet Babies” when no one is looking so you can catch a glimpse of the woman that got away. 8. Congratulations, you are now the guy that makes scratch-and-sniff pencils scratch-and-sniffable. 9. Wallow in sadness every day, smelling the sweet smells of imita- tion strawberry and graphite, and getting pretty sick of pot roast and Cheetos, which you vowed would never happen. ‘Maybe you should become vegan’ you think to yourself. 10. Feel mediocre because the only people who appreciate your work are 7-year-old girls, and you kind of resent them because they can watch “Muppet Babies” without it being creepy, so you decide to have kids. I created this recipe while I was in prison in their program Cooking with Convicts. I think it’s the perfect way to say, “Sorry about the ‘at- tempted criminal possession of a weapon’ charges, guys--have some stuffing!” I made it for my crew just last week and got rave reviews. Turns out prison can bring out the good in people . . . at the very least it can bring out the good cook! * 1 6-oz. bag Mr. Carter’s Stove-top Stuffweezy Mix * 2 tablespoons butter or margarine * 1/2 cup onion, fine-assly chopped * 1/2 cup celery, fine-assly chopped * 1 1/3 cups water Melt butter or margarine in a two-quart saucepan. (Don’t be afraid to indulge yourself and your guests: use butter!) Add onion and celery and let the beat build until onion is transparent. Add water (and love!). Heat until boiling on high heat. (High like I fly when I am supporting my family and bringing joy to hearts of my fans!) Cover, reduce heat and simmer three minutes. (In those three minutes make a list of some things you are grateful for to share later with your guests!) Remove from heat. Stir in Stuffweezy mix. Cover and l-l-l-loli-let stand three to five minutes. Fluff with a fork to serve. Makes a milli servings. (It’s a good thing, too, because Shorty won’t want a thug anymore; she’ll just want more stuffing!) Whitties’ World Guide Extra! Extra! Hot off the presses! After Kanye West’s success with his sexy short-film “Run- away”, Kanye’s shaking things up again! We all know how much Kanye West loves politics (Remember “George Bush hates black peo- ple?”) that’s why Kanye West and Aaron Sor- kin have teamed up to bring us a super special Kanye-themed political drama extravaganza! Sources say the pair have been planning this project since late 2006, but haven’t been able to find time to make it work until recently. e set of the show is exclusive to say the least but our B!News entertainment-squad-strike-force was able to sit in on some of the filming. We can’t say too much, (don’t want to spoil anything for you! ) but you have much to look forward to with this new series. Just picture it: Kanye walking down hallways with pa- pers in hand wearing his all red suit and stunner shades, Kanye holding top secret important meetings in the Sit- uation Room regarding America’s relations with the ris- ing nuclear power Kumar, and of course Kanye meeting with his lovable team of loyal assistants: Leo McKanye (Chief of Staff), K.Ye Cregg (Press Secretary), Kanye Ly- man (Deputy Chief of Staff), Tobye Ziegler (Communica- tions Director), and of course his right hand man, Charlie Kanye (Personal Aid). Here are some sneak preview, nev- er-before-seen photos of “Kanye West Wing,” brought to you by the one and only B! News. FAST FACTS 4 TEENZ RAGE! WHAT TO KNOW AND HOW TO STAY SAFE STREET NAMES You’re at a party or chillaxing with your buds on a Saturday night. Someone offers you something to try, you’re not quite sure what it is . . . stay prepared. You might also hear Rage referred to as: • “Glenn” • “Palin Poppers” • “Black Beckies” • “Common Sen- semilla” • “Free Market Freakies” • “Small Government is the Best Government” RELATED PARAPHERNALIA If you notice your friends or new homies have any of these items, they may be using Rage: • Chalkboards • Glasses • Posters of Ronald Reagan • Gold—beautiful, safe, gold • Thomas Paine pamphlets, seem- ingly highlighted at random From time to time, we here at the Backpage use our position as a voice on campus to promote student safety and awareness. It has recently come to our attention that a new drug known as Rage just hit the streets, and we would like to take a moment to draw attention to this dangerous trend. As far as we can tell, Rage is a crude mixture of Tylenol PM and Glenn Beck’s semen—a harm- less enough combination to a point, but aſter a certain amount of usage effects can be deadly. Aſter a fair amount of Googling, we dug up this pamphlet on the Rage menace, in hopes of stopping this epidemic be- fore it begins: WARNING SIGNS What if one of your posse starts using Rage? Here are some effects and warning signs. If you notice a combination of more than three of these in a loved one don’t be afraid to get help: • Weight gain • Face becomes plump and baby- like • Frequent crying • Paranoia, hallucinations (many users experience images of Nazis) • Violent tendencies (often involv- ing homicide using a shovel) • Voice cracks under excitement • Extreme nostalgia for the Reagan years • Users often refer to themselves as part of “The Real America” FOUND IN Rage has already become prevalent in these areas: • Rural communities • Southern United States • Rhode Island Use may be increasing in many oth- er areas, including: • Washington, D.C. Hey gang! It’s about time for us all to settle in and get used to this new Republican House! Love them or hate them, they’re going to be passing new legislation before too long and we might as well get used to having them around. With that in mind, here are a few “sneak peaks” of what to expect from the new House in the next few months. Our Backpage correspondent in Washington, D.C. sneaked into John Boehner’s office a few nights ago and stole some of the new legislation they are planning on passing. Let’s check it out! Lil’ Wayne’s Best Stuffing Alive A guide to necessary world things. This week: How to become the guy that makes scratch-and-sniff pencils scratch-and-sniffable. New Republican Legislation THE HOTTEST NEW SHOW OF THE SEASON presents ROLLE
