Becoming Conflict Competent

MN OD NetworkOctober 4, 2012

Curt Micka and Stephanie McGovern

Copyright 2012, High Performance Systems, Inc and Conflict Management Services, LLC

Session Goal

Increase your ability to resolve conflict successfully when you are

personally involved.

Why do we care?

• Sometimes “Minnesota Nice” isn’t so nice.• Resolution to organizational, national and

global problems depends on our ability to manage conflict.

• Working through conflict is at the heart of any lasting relationship.

Assumptions

1. Managing your own conflict well helps you be more effective in helping others.

2. Change comes from changing ourselves.3. Conflict often has an emotional component.4. Conflict competence is about creating more

awareness and choice in the moment.

Agenda

Three Parts:1. Identifying what the conflict is about (really) 2. Managing ourselves; creating self awareness3. Making conscious choices

Conflict Defined

Conflict is any situation where people have incompatible interests, goals, principles or feelings.

Runde and Flanagan, 2007

What is the Conflict about? (really)

3 Levels of ConversationsLevel 1 - What happened?

Level 2 - What feelings are present?

Level 3 - How does it affect my sense of worth and identity?

(From Difficult Conversations, by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen)

Exercise

Think of a conflict – Discuss in pairs1. What conversation(s) did you have?2. What conversation(s) didn’t you have?3. What conversation(s) would help you move

toward resolution of the conflict?

Five Levels of ConflictRunde and Flanagan, 2007

1. Difference2. Misunderstanding3. Disagreement4. Discord5. Polarization

The conflict will never be resolved until the emotional conversation is addressed.

Hot Buttons

A Hot Button is something that elicits a strong emotional response or

reaction.

Think of facilitating a group session or meeting. What could someone say that would trigger a hot button?

CDP: Hot Buttons

• Unreliable • Overly analytical• Unappreciative • Aloof• Micro-managing • Self-centered• Abrasive •

Untrustworthy• Hostile

Hot Buttons Exercise

1. Find a partner

2. Talk for 3 minutes about one of your hot buttons. Discuss why it bothers you. Get in to it!

3. Discuss what happens when you get triggered. How do you feel physically, emotionally, mentally?

4. Reverse the process

Group Discussion

• What triggers you?• What happens physically,

emotionally and mentally when conflict is triggered?

Strategies for ManagingHot Buttons

1. Center and breathe2. Take a break – this is different than avoiding.3. Notice your “Story” – is it helpful or destructive?4. Remember – you are responsible for how you feel5. Create an new habitual response – one you can

draw on in the heat of the moment 6. Change your physical posture

Making Conscious Choices

• Foundation of emotional intelligence is self-awareness and self management

• Easier said than done!

Conscious Choice Once we have been triggered – we have a

choice - even though it may not feel like we do. Do we take the high road?

OrDo we take the low road?

Conflict Response Categories

Perspective TakingCreating SolutionsExpressing EmotionsReaching Out

Winning at All CostsDisplaying AngerDemeaning OthersRetaliating

Reflective ThinkingDelay RespondingAdapting

AvoidingYieldingHiding EmotionsSelf Criticizing

Constructive

Destructive

Acti

ve

Passiv

e

Exercise

1. Pick one constructive behavior you would like to increase.

2. Pick one destructive behavior you would like to decrease.

3. Discuss with a partner ways to practice in these areas.

Keys to SuccessHow would you summarize keys to success?

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

QuoteThe most intense conflicts, if overcome, leave behind a sense of security and calm that is not easily disturbed.

Carl Gustav Jung (1875-1961) Swiss psychologist and psychiatrist.

For More InformationCurt Micka, J.D.Conflict Management Services, LLCwww.conflictmanagementservices.com612-226-1702

Stephanie McGovern, MAIRHigh Performance Systems, Inc. Stephanie@highpeformancesys.com(612) 418-6173

Additional ResourcesBecoming Conflict Competent, by Craig Runde and Tim Flanagan

Beyond Reason: Using Emotions As You Negotiate by Roger Fischer and Daniel Shapiro

Difficult Conversations, by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen

Fierce Conversations, by Susan Scott

Beyond Reason: Using Emotions As You Negotiate, by Roger Fischer and Daniel Shapiro

The Moral Imagination: The Art and Soul of Building Peace, by John Paul Lederach.

http://www.conflictdynamics.org

Hargrove,