Taming the Wolf Institute

Becoming Home 2017 Conflict & Relationships PowerPoint Handout

Greg Stone 2-21-2017

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Slide 1

Becoming HomeFebruary 2016

Conflict Resolution

tamingthewolf.com

Peacemaking legacy of St. Francis.

Resources at tamingthewolf.com

include:

•Conflict resolution manual:

Taming the Wolf: Peace through

Faith

•Webinar “Peace in the Parish.”

•Forty videos for Lent.

Slide 2 Mediation

Art of

Restoring Harmony

by Seeking Unity in the

Presence of the Holy Spirit.

“HOW” matters. We must add PROCESS & STRUCTURE. We seek the presence of the Holy Spirit “at the table.”

Slide 3 After the Fall

Free will generates non-aligned intentions that collide, producing conflict. Conflict is not simply a problem. Intentional agents oppose one another. Opposing goals, intentions, views, desires, interests, clash. Peacemaking is possible because the exercise of free will can be transformed.

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Slide 4 Align with the Will of God

THE ultimate path to peace involves aligning random free will with the Will of God. Aligned intentions do not collide. Conflict resolution is Applied Pastoral Theology.

Slide 5

Compromise

Compete

Avoid

Collaborate

AccommodateSati

sfy

Ow

n In

tere

sts

Satisfy Other’s Interests

Ideal = mutual benefit for self and other. What response is best in a particular instance? Chart inspired by Thomas & Killman. (See TKI inventory.)

Slide 6

DivineCollaboration

Satisfy Will of God

Sat

isfy

Ow

n I

nte

rest

s

Satisfy Other’s Interests

Party interests considered in relation to Will of God. Negotiation goes beyond mundane to spiritual interests. Priests help parties discern the Will of God.

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Slide 7

Compromise

Compete

Avoid

DivineCollaboration

AccommodateSa

tisf

y O

wn

In

tere

sts

Satisfy Other’s Interests

Revised grid seeks mutual satisfaction of interests aligning with the Will of God. Alignment with the Will of God satisfies our deepest interests. Thus, we move parties toward their most fundamental and important interests.

Slide 8

• Power

• Rights

• Interests

Power: Authority enforces decision. Rights : Litigated claims adjudicated and enforced. Interests: Negotiate solution. Dispute resolution protocol: Matthew 18:15 Interests Matthew 18:16 Rights Matthew 18:17 Power Also see Luke 12:57 regarding settlement.

Slide 9 Below the Line

Positions

Interests

Key concept: “Go Below the Line.” Move from positions or stances to interests or motivations. Positions are rigid; interests flexible. Positions have one solution; interests have many solutions. “Below the line” enhances creativity.

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Slide 10

God(Trinity)

Brother Brother

Work two axes simultaneously: 1) Reconcile brothers (neighbors). 2) Reconcile with God. Reflects the great commandment. Axes are linked. Change one, the other changes. If brothers hit impasse, work on vertical axis.

Slide 11

If I have no contact whatsoever with God in my life, then I cannot see in the other anything more than the other, and I am incapable of seeing in him the image of God.

—Deus Caritas Est, Pope Benedict XVI

Barriers on vertical axis manifest as impasse on horizontal. In the cultural desert of secularism, turmoil in the world is due to failure to see the image of God in the other.

Slide 12 Christ the Mediator

Priest as Mediator

Prevents, manages, resolves conflict by choreographing

divine collaboration.

People consider priests as mediators – though not always explicitly. When unstated expectation is disappointed, upset results. Clergy often must assess conflict and bring parties to the table.

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Slide 13

Assess Intentions

Be, Do, Have

In conflict interests, needs, and desires opposed. We assess to bring about clarity. Be Do Have is a way of “naming it.” Identify opposing items. Assess entire story, then bring clarity.

Slide 14 Barriers

• Disappointed Expectations

• Need to be Right

• Destructive Emotions that Distort Perception

• Faulty Perceptions

• Walls

• Desire for Revenge

• Narcissism

• False Attribution Error

Slide 15 Facework

The Face of a Franciscan

Framing

PROTECT, SAVE, RESTORE FACE Frame comments, requests, complaints. Express needs without triggering negative emotions. ATTACK ON FACE = Threat to self-image, social image, identity we want others to accept. Meeting with other triggers fear of Face Loss. Mediator RESTORES FACE. St. Francis saw the Divine, the Image of God, in all creatures. This is primary FaceWork.

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Slide 16

False Self

vs.Divine Self

False Self is driver of conflict. Need to defend False Self. I just wasn’t myself. That was not really me. Who was I being? False Self unaligned with Will of God. Faith formation. Contemplation. Retreats and spiritual direction.

Slide 17 Two False Selves Fight

Essence of faith-based reconciliation: Moving past False Self to see the Divine in Other. Remove the dross, the false layers. Abandon all that is not the image of God. Seek unity in the image of God. Basic choreography of conflict resolution.

Slide 18 Active Listening

Mediator listens in I-Thou mode. Truly present for another. Party may recognize their own flaws. May turn to contemplative prayer and ask,“What must I transform?” Peacemakers make it easy to listen to self without becoming defensive or threatened.

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Slide 19 Build a Bridge

Negotiate Exchange of Value

We build a bridge. Parties exchange value. Negotiation = exchange of value, tangible and intangible. Exchange of value shows respect. Duty of the Church – facilitate “a well-ordered love of neighbor.”

Slide 20

Apology

Must Satisfy Needs

Apology must satisfy needs of the harmed party. If harmed party is satisfied, apology will be accepted. If needs not satisfied, apology will be rejected. If an apology is rejected, assess What needs are not being met?

Slide 21 Forgiveness

To Forgive is an Act of Will

Forgiveness is a transcendent gift from God. Not earned. Not about balancing the scales. May have to accept scales cannot be balanced. Forgiveness is not logical. Makes no sense. Does not arise from reason, but rather from God’s grace. Forgiveness is a decision. We decide to forgive. We do not wait for a warm fuzzy feeling, we exercise free will. Secular world does not know Christ’s forgiveness, mercy may be missing.

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Slide 22 Faulty Decisions

• Overconfidence

• Flawed Baseline

• Faulty Data

• First Offer

• Seeking Solution to Fit All Criteria

• Recent Vivid Events

Mental shortcuts save time but may cause faulty decision making and unsatisfactory outcomes. Assess: What weaknesses hamper decision making? What errors repeat?

Slide 23 Facing Risk

• Risk Averse

• Loss Averse

We fear risk,we abhor loss.

!

We hold on to certain gain - we do not risk losing gain we achieved. We abhor an existing loss – and we will seek to remedy that loss. How we frame the situation - as a loss or gain - affects our negotiation decision.

Slide 24 Satisfaction

Substantive

Procedural Psychological

Work all legs of the triangle. Problems with any leg may create impasse. Satisfaction is measure of mediation success. We honor self-determinism of the party.

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Slide 25

Opposition to Will of GodProblem of Evil

Impasse

Impasse = intentions, acts, desires, and positions that oppose the Will of God. Discern – actual evil intentions or attribution of evil where none exists? (False Attribution Error)?

Slide 26 The Hidden Influence

Destructive Third Party

Missing, invisible, or hidden influences difficult to identify. If assessment makes no sense look for hidden influences. Destructive third party disparages Party I AND Party II, causes suspicion, distrust or fear. Gossip, character assassin, detractor. Serpent between Man and God. Satan as deceiver, accuser, betrayer, manipulator.

Slide 27 Managing Deception

Mediators identify and manage deception. Two categories: 1) benign, face-saving and, 2) evil intentions. With benign deception, we redraft the narrative toward greater truth. With intentional deception, we discern if harmful intentions are masked by deception.

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Slide 28 Discernment Dilemma

Jonathan Kriz

Discernment Dilemma: Fail to recognize evil intentions, we suffer harm. Attribute evil where none exists, we foreclose on loving relationships. Perceptions are clouded if we face deception associated with evil intentions.

Slide 29

The Constructive Third Party:Mediator

The Destructive Third Party:The Hidden Influence

Heals wounds caused by…

Mediator guides process, countering

Destructive Third Party. Assess if actions are destructive or constructive. Does party work toward reconciliation or division?

Slide 30 Situation-based Fear

Unhealed Wounds

Fear drives harmful actions. Intensity of fear determines difficulty. Lowest level is situational fear. Fear of rejection, fear of being fired, fear of being ridiculed, fear of failure. Assess: Do people feel secure? safe? loved? Unhealed wounds may be physical, emotional, or spiritual. May drive a proxy conflict. Party fights old, unresolved battles.

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Slide 31

Deep-Seated Fear

Evil = profound existential fear. Party believes everyone seeks to cause them harm. They must defend at all costs; covert attempts to undermine or destroy. Hellish state of mind. No hope of saving grace. Lack empathy; unable to love; psychopath. Love viewed as Trojan Horse intended to destroy from within. Love foreclosed as solution.

Slide 32

Quicksand

Spider’s Web

Flypaper

Evil traps. When we fight, struggle, or use force, the trap tightens. There is no escape. Despair. We suffer from disordered wills out of alignment with the Will of God. “Rest in the Lord” and seek mystical union with Christ.

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Slide 33 Recommended Resources

• Snakes in SuitsBabiak & Hare

• The Devil You Don’t KnowLouis Cameli

• Narcissism / Dynamics of Evil Douglas McMannaman

Recommended resources for studying how evil sets traps. Map landscape of traps to negotiate. Be aware evil is not simply a metaphor.

Compare behavior of “psychopath” described in Snakes in Suits with concept of evil presented in The Devil You Don’t Know.

Slide 34

System Design Goals

How does a dispute resolution system benefit the Church? What must be improved? How do we normalize conflict resolution, so people know, “this is how we do it.” When conflict resolution is normalized, the system provides safety and hope, and thus generates willingness to make peace.