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Becoming Single Again
Written by: Alanzo Smith, EdD
Family Counselor for the Greater New York Conference of
Seventh-day Adventist in Manhasset, New York, USA
From Revival and Reformation: Families Reaching Across.
Presented by: (add presenter name here)
The Reality of A Divorce
• Divorce rate in the USA• 50% of all marriages end in divorce• Highest divorce rate in the world
• Impacts of a divorce• Profound and long lasting• Affects couple, family members, friends,
church and community
• Mourning alone – emotional pain of being single again (Forrest, 1981)
• Feelings of loneliness, devastation• Victimized by labeling of others• Rejection by others• Physical and emotional consequences• Coming to grips with the reality of being
single again
Emotional Impact
• Widowhood may demand major life adjustments.
• Dual dilemma of having to reorganize and restructure the management of life• When children are involved, the dynamics
of the family adjustments can be challenging.
• When the surviving parent is involved in a new relationship it can cause conflicts.
Loss of Spouse to Death
• Singleness is not a dysfunction.• It marks the loss of a “socially valued
status.”• It is not the loss of your valued self.
• The majority of singles lead respectful, honest and wholesome lives.
• As a child of God, singles can face their reality with determination and dignity.
Being single again
• Preoccupation with revenge
• Excessive guilt• Heightened sense
of spirituality• Social withdrawal• Absentmindedness
Emotions
• Undifferentiated sadness
• Episodic anger • Feelings of loneliness• Irrational
helplessness• Shock and Awe
• Provide time for grieving. Grief is normal. Give yourself sufficient time to return to basic functioning such as going back to work and household tasks.
• Recognize your emotional feelings. There should be no rationalization or suppression of emotions.
• Explore defenses and coping style. Defense mechanisms are often used to obscure reality. For example you may shift uncomfortable feelings to a child.
Managing Your Emotions
• Find meaning to the loss. (Romans 8:28)• God is working with us in every good or bad
situation. • Let go and let God
• God has ultimate control over your life. Re-invest the emotional energy of the separation in self and God.
• Get professional help. Sometimes you will not be able to mitigate every situation yourself.
• Improve social competence.
Accept the circumstances
• Get involved in meaningful hobbies and activities.
• Attend and participate in church activities.• Let go of negative emotions and forgive yourself
and your ex-spouse.• God is waiting to partner with you to open new
doors.
See Handout 2
Steps for Growth
• It is a healing gift when done in harmony with God’s Word.• Watch for quick rebounds and the desire to
compensate for one’s immediate apprehension.• The Bible warns against cohabitation. • Society seems to have become more tolerant to
couple living together.• It is still against the will of God. Place yourself in the
center of God’s will.
Remarriage