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7/23/2019 Being Esther | A Novel by Miriam Karmel
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Being Esther
A Novel
Miriam Karmel
Order NowMilkweed Editions
Being Estheris Distributed to the trade
by Publishers Group West.
Amazon
Barnes & NoblePowells
IndieBound
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Te characters and events in this book are ctitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is
coincidental and not intended by the author.
2013, ext by Miriam Karmel
All rights reserved. Except or brie quotations in critical articles or reviews, no part o this book may
be reproduced in any manner without prior written permission rom the publisher: Milkweed Editions,
1011 Washington Avenue South, Suite 300, Minneapolis, Minnesota 55415.
(800) 520-6455
www.milkweed.org
Published 2013 by Milkweed Editions
Printed in CanadaCover design by Christian Fuenfausen
Cover image Margie Hurwich/Arcangel Images
Author photo by Richard Migot
13 14 15 16 17 5 4 3 2 1
First Edition
Milkweed Editions, an independent nonprot publisher, grateully acknowledges sustaining support
rom the Bush Foundation; the Patrick and Aimee Butler Foundation; the Dougherty Family Founda-
tion; the Jerome Foundation; the Lindquist & Vennum Foundation; the McKnight Foundation; the voters
o Minnesota through a Minnesota State Arts Board Operating Support grant, thanks to a legislative
appropriation rom the arts and cultural heritage und; the National Endowment or the Arts; the arget
Foundation; and other generous contributions rom oundations, corporations, and individuals. For a
ull listing o Milkweed Editions supporters, please visit www.milkweed.org.
Library o Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Karmel, Miriam.
Being Esther : a novel / Miriam Karmel. 1st ed.
p. cm.
ISBN 978-1-57131-096-5 (acid-ree paper)
1. Older womenFiction. 2. Sel-realization in womenFiction. I. itle.
PS3611.A7839B45 2013
813'.6dc23
2012025933
Milkweed Editions is committed to ecological stewardship. We strive to align our book production
practices with this principle, and to reduce the impact o our operations in the environment. We are a
member o the Green Press Initiative, a nonprot coalition o publishers, manuacturers, and authors
working to protect the worlds endangered orests and conserve natural resources. Being Esther was
printed on acid-ree 100% postconsumer-waste paper by Friesens Corporation.
7/23/2019 Being Esther | A Novel by Miriam Karmel
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my riend said ace it thats how it goes one by one
till theres no one lef on this bench in the sun
Grace Paley
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3
Prologue
Tey named her Esther.
As a child, Esther believed she was named or the Persian
queen who risked her lie saving her people rom a wicked man.Every year, on the holiday commemorating that miraculous res-
cue, children in costume ock to synagogues to hear the story o
Esther. Tey rattle noisemakers whenever the wicked ones name
is uttered; they hiss and boo. Esther had loved parading around
her shul in a long dress, lipstick, and a tinoil crown, pretending
to be the earless, noble queen.When she was older, Esther enjoyed telling people that shed
been named or Esther Williams, which, given her age, was
impossible.
Te act that Esther was named or neither the amous swim-
ming beauty nor the savior o her people was o no concern to
Esthers mother, who simply shrugged and said, I dont remem-ber whenever Esther asked the origin o her name. I Esther
were to plead with her mother to remember, Mrs. Glass would
merely say, Oy, please. Cant you see Im busy? Ten she would
instruct Esther, in Yiddish, to go play in the street or go hit her
head against a wall.
One day, worn down by Esthers nagging, Mrs. Glass nally
allowed that Esther had been named aer Esther Jo Berman,
the daughter o Mrs. Glasss best riend, Lottie. Not that she was
namedorEsther Jo. But when Esther was born, a better name
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4 Miriam Karmel
had not presented itsel. It seemed like a good idea at the time,
her mother said.
Te truth came as a disappointment. Still, Esther was grate-
ul that her parents hadnt given her the middle name o Jo. Shecould almost hear her ather say, What kind o name is Jo or a
Jewish girl?
And so she was Esther, with no middle name.
Recently, Esther has begun to wonder whether her lie might
have turned out dierently had her name been deliberately cho-
sen. Not that anything untoward had beallen her. Shed raisedtwo healthy children; traveled some. Sometimes she wishes
she had done more, had a career, like her daughter and grand-
daughter. Yet shes wanted or nothing. It even embarrasses her
to think that people might envy the ease with which she has
sailed through lie.
Still, she cant shake the eeling that i only her parents hadnamed her with intention, she might have grown into her name,
as i it were an inheritance that mustnt be squandered. Instead,
Esther has gone through lie with a borrowed name, like some
o-the-rack garment or countereit designer handbag, a name
like the ake Seiko watch she purchased on a trip to Mexico with
her daughter, Ceely, whose name had been deliberately chosen.
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5
Five people. Te Markels, should they answer, will make sixand seven.
Esther has been working her way through the alphabet, phon-ing the numbers in the tooled-leather address book her mother
once brought back rom a temple tour to Israel, one shed picked
up in the souk and gave to Esther or her twenty-ninth birthday.
It took Esther a year beore she dared to write on the creamy
vellum, making the rst entries with the silver ountain pen her
mother-in-law had given her as an engagement present. Soonenough, she was using anything at handpencils, ballpoints,
elt-tip pens that bled through to the other side.
Now the pages are riddled with slashes. In y-ve years
people movelike the Markels, who le Chicago or Phoenix
aer Buddy retired. Her sister Anna moved so oen Esther
had to start a second page, though she still hasnt drawn a linethrough Annas last entry, the place on Fourteenth Street in
Santa Monica.
Esther makes her calls rom the kitchen table, where she can
gaze out the window at the changing sky or at the pedestrians
passing by. In the other direction she can see, across the divider
into the living room, the ew amiliar urnishings she and Marty
had moved rom the house on Shady Hill Roadthe mahogany
breakront, one o the matching love seats theyd bought on sale at
Marshall Fields, the red leather easy chair, a couple o paintings.
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6 Miriam Karmel
Te gilt-ramed mirror that used to grace their old oyer is now
wedged onto a patch o wall between the two small rooms.
Teyd moved the old rotary phone, too. Esther preers it to
the inantilizing portable phone with the oversized buttons thatCeely gave her or Mothers Day. She misplaces it. And she nds
it disconcerting that she can be anywhereeven the bathroom
while speaking to some unsuspecting person on the other end.
Besides, she enjoys the mild exertion o rotating a dial, the
steadying eect it has on her trembling hand.
Te Markels phone is ringing. Esther resists the urge to hangup, telling hersel the odds are in her avor; this time somebody
will answer. wice already, as she has worked her way through
the book, answering machines have inormed Esther that the
number she dialed was, in act, the number she dialed. Te rst
time she got a machine she panicked and hung up. Te second
time, she was prepared. Hi! Tis is Esther Lustig. Rememberme? I was just calling . . .
Ten Marty interrupts. Even in death his gravelly voice in-
trudes. Essie, Essie. Aer all these years, a person doesnt call
just like that. Out o the blue. Use your head.
Setting the receiver down, she looks across the table, as i her
husband were sitting there working the crossword puzzle or n-ishing his second cup o coee. And why not out o the blue?
she demands.
Marty is orever looking over her shoulder, monitoring her
every move, oering unsolicited advice. Aer he died, aer she
le him at Waldheim on that bitter aernoon wrapped in his
imsy prayer shawl, le him with the gravediggers who were o
to the side, not so patiently revving their backhoes as the last
mourners tossed dirt on his cofn, aer all that, she had ex-
pected that nally shed get some peace and quiet. Not that she
doesnt miss him. Martys absence is palpable.
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Being Esther 7
Now she consoles hersel that riends lose touch, not inten-
tionally, but because eleven years ago you made a mental note to
give someone a call and then the days slipped by. O course, that
wouldnt satisy Marty, who always had to analyze every littlething, examine it rom this angle and that. I Esther lost her tem-
per, burned a pot roast, orgot to pick up the dry cleaninghe
would draw a line clear back to her childhood.
While the Markels phone rings, Esther glances at her leather
book, the blur o lines running through the names. What i
Sonia isnt there?Gently, she sets the receiver back in its cradle. Te last num-
ber she dialed had been reassigned, though Esther still wasnt
ready to draw a line through Charlene Finks name. And when
she phoned Sadie Sherman, Emily answered, all grown-up and
pleasant enough, though Esther still recalled the colicky baby
who had grown into a churlish child and then an insubordinateteen. Emily inormed Esther that she and her sisters were sorting
through their mothers belongings. Mom moved to assisted living
last month. Windy Shores or Cedar Hollowthe name sounds
like the overnight camps the children once attended. Esther tries
picturing Sadie, whod run a successul travel agency or twenty-
nine years, making lanyards or pot holders or clay pinch pots.Esther takes a deep breath as she prepares to redial the
Markels. She hopes that Sonia will be the one to pick up, though
at this point it will be a relie to get anyone on the other end, even
prickly old Buddy. BM, theyd called him behind his back.
Te phone rings twice. Tree times. Four. She is about to hang
up, when someone answers. A man. Hello! she blurts. Tis is
Esther Lustig calling. When the man doesnt reply, she repeats
her name, and then, always quick on his eet (Buddy and Sonia
were remarkable dancerstango, cha-cha, rumba, you name it),
Buddy cries, Esther! Esther Lustig! Is that really you?
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8 Miriam Karmel
Giddy with excitement, she practically bursts rom her seat,
as i they were rushing headlong to embrace. I suppose it is! she
exclaims, her hand ying to her head as i to afrm her identity.
Oddly, she eels reassured by the so nimbus o hair, which isas amiliar as the sound o her own voice. Ten she catches her
reection in the old gilt-ramed mirror. Tere she is, the same
basic model: green eyes, coppery-blond hair, broad orehead,
and the ull mouth, which she has been painting the same shade
o red since college. With her ree hand, she adjusts her silver
glasses and recalls Marty saying that when she removed themshe looked like Judy Holliday. Aer Marty got sick she let the
blond go, but the steely gray reminded her o cloistered nuns,
and soon she was coloring it again.
Shes held on to her gure, more or less, careully selecting
her garments to compensate or the less. Other than the loss o
an inch or twoshe stands just a bit over ve eeteverything isthe same. Yet nothing is. She has become a caricature o hersel.
Yes, its me, she sighs, sinking back into her chair. Its
Esther. Esther Lustig.
Ten Marty is back, accusing her, in a high-pitched alsetto,
o behaving like a schoolgirl. I suppose it is. Esther. Esther Lustig.
Placing her hand over the receiver, she tells him to shut up.Am-scray! Get out o my hair!
What was that, Esther? Buddy says.
Te cat, she lies. He was clawing the soa.
Animated by her anger and pleased with the convincing
riposte (Buddy wouldnt know, but Sonia would, that Esther
loathes cats, that she once drove the amily tabby, whod been
clawing the urniture, to a secluded ravine o Sheridan Road,
where she released it into the wild), Esther launches into her
spiel, the one shes been honing since the rst ew awkward calls.
She no longer lets on that she is going through her address book,
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Being Esther 9
checking to see who is here and who has gone to the other side.
Aer that rather indelicate attempt at gallows humor ell at, she
started telling people that shes been sorting through boxes o
old photos. And youll never guess what I came across, she says.Te picture she describes to Buddy was taken at a college
dance. Sonias in it, she tells him. Along with me and Ruthie
and Helen. We were the Starrlites. With a double r, like Brenda
Starr! And that silly play on light. Teyd adored Brenda, she
tells Buddy. She was so thoroughly modern, and she had that
boyriend with the mysterious eye patch and the dashing name.Basil. Basil St. John. Esther repeats Basils name, as i she were
under a spell induced to unleash ancient memories. She studies
the picture. Tere they are, the our Starrlitesand their dates.
Was it on a dare that theyd all hopped up on the bandstand dur-
ing the musicians break and mugged or the camera, pretending
to play the instruments? Shes orgotten the names o the youngmen, except or her dateJackson Pug. Who can orget a name
like that? Sonia will remember the others, though she prob-
ably wont recall any better than Esther how theyd managed
to round up our men in those days. Esther probably encour-
aged Jackson to dance with the girls who came alone because she
remembers dancing with Sonia, wishing she were with Marty,who had been shipped o to Holland shortly aer theyd met.
Sonia smelled aintly o lily o the valley, and when Esther rested
her head on Sonias shoulder and elt Sonias sweet, warm breath
on her neck while the band played Ill Be Seeing You, she was
glad Jackson was dancing with some other girl. Poor Jack. In two
months, he would be killed in the Siege o Bastogne.
I dont know what got into us, she tells Buddy. You should
see Helen, perched on the piano, legs crossed, open-toed shoes
peeking out rom under a long, owing skirt. Remember Ruthie?
Shes blowing a sax. Im at the drums. And Sonia. Sonia is
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hugging the bass, beaming. Her hair is swept up to one side, with
a ower pinned in it.
A ower! Buddy exclaims, as i hes never heard anything so
extraordinary. What kind?Why, I dont know, Esther stammers, irritated that hed ask
about a ower, rather than the name o Sonias date or even what
Sonia was wearing, until she remembers that Buddy is a land-
scape architect and might reasonably wonder about such things.
Ten it occurs to her that Buddy is retired, in which case it might
be more accurate to say, He was a landscape architect. Is. Was.She wishes there were better road maps or growing old.
Lately, Esther has been preoccupied with such thoughts,
though she keeps them to hersel. I Ceely knew, shed have her
in assisted living aster than you can say Bingo! Esther plans
to die rst.
Buddy is still going on about the ower. Should she makesomething up? Gardenia? Orchid? Esthers earliest (and un-
happy) exposure to owers occurred during the two weeks each
summer when her parents rented a room in the Dunes rom
Mrs. Zaretsky, a sharp-tongued woman who used to come tear-
ing out o her kitchen, apron apping, to scold the children in
Russian i they got anywhere near her dusty ower bed. Later,when Esther and Marty started to travel, she expanded her un-
derstanding o ora, but it was mostly limited to the names o
plants that grew abundantly in sultry placesbird-o-paradise,
calla lily, jacaranda.
Hastening to change the subject, she reports that Sonia is
wearing an embroidered blouse with ounce sleeves. Its the
kind you might bring back rom a oreign market, she tells
Buddy. Ten one day, you see it hanging in your closet and won-
der, What on earth was I thinking? But Sonia had air. On her,
it doesnt look like a costume.
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Being Esther 11
Sonias uncle lived in Mexico City, Buddy says. Her olks
drove down there once a year. Teyd return with a carload o
silver pins and bracelets, straw chairs or the children, wool
shawls, and embroidered blouses. Lou had dreams o starting animport-export business.
I remember, Esther lies. Ten she reminds Buddy o the
winters their group spent in San Miguel. Every January, once all
the kids were in college, the Starrlites and their husbands took
rooms at the old Aristos Hotel. Tey set up house or a month,
with their toasters and coee pots and electric ry pans. In theevenings, they gathered or cocktails.
Sonia made the best margaritas, Esther says.
It was the limes, Buddy remarks, and suddenly Esther re-
members how stingy hed been with praise. It wasnt the limes,
she wants to say. Instead, she asks i he remembers the parrot
that lived in the Aristos courtyard, and when he says, Cant saythat I do, she decides shes had about all she can take o Buddy
Markel.
It was time to put Sonia on. Shell remember. Whats more,
i Esther were to say, Parrot, Sonia will mock the bird and cry,
Hola! And Esther will eel as i shes come home, that at long
last shes returned to the place where you dont need remindingthat the ront door sticks or the toilet handle needs jiggling or the
third runner on the staircase is loose. Sonia will recall how the
parrot squawked until Lolita, the hotels duenna, ed it breakast.
Ten Esther will say, Papaya and banana.
Yes, Sonia will exclaim. Te same ruits she le in baskets
outside our doors each morning.
With the bread.
From thepanaderia down the road!
Sonia will remember it all. Shell vouch or Esthers memo-
ries; she will validate Esthers existence.
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Te rst time Sonia ollowed Esther home aer school, a
carp, which Esthers mother had bought at the kosher market
on Kedzie Avenue, was swimming in the bathtub. Esther hadnt
wanted Sonia to see the sh opping around in the rusty tub.Shed already been to her riends home where Sonias mother
had been seated at a desk writing letters on pale blue stationery,
a cardigan with pearl buttons draped across her shoulders.
Esther told her new riend that until the ateul day when her
mother knocked the sh out with a wooden mallet, chopped it
up, ground it and shaped it into sh patties, she loved perchingon the toilet seat and reaching into the tub to eed it bits o let-
tuce and crusts o bread. It was the closest thing we ever had to
a amily pet, she conessed.
Te carp had ascinated and delighted Sonia, whod never
known anyone who made gelte sh rom scratch. And though
Esther knew such people existed (her amily mocked and pitiedthem), she hadnt known anyone who bought the sh in jars.
Sonia will remember it all: Esthers aversion to cats, the par-
rot, the sh, the names o those grinning young men.
Put her on, she says to Buddy. Put Sonia on.
Oh, Esther, he moans.
A heavy silence enguls the space between them. How couldshe have been so reckless? So presumptuous? Put Sonia on! As i
they were in Mexico and she just dialed the Markels room (they
always stayed in number 7).
Yet she can still hear the squawking parrot, taste the papaya,
smell the sweet panaderia breads. She has been so transported
by memory that when Buddy says, Im araid that wont be pos-
sible, Esther expects him to explain that Sonia has run out to
the market or more limes.
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Ceely wants Esther to move to Cedar Shores. Aer Martydied, Ceely started placing glossy brochures on Esthers coee
table, her nightstand, and even tucked between the pages o herlatest book. Te other day, she held one open and pointed to the
pictures. Look, Ma. Youll have your own room. Teres even
a small kitchen. But you wont need to bother. Teres a dining
room or all your meals. Te dining room tables were draped
with white cloths. Mauve napkins bloomed rom water goblets.
Esthers old riend, Helen Pearlman, whod loved martinis,cooked with lemongrass, and played a mean game o tennis, is
stashed away in a studio apartment at Cedar Shores, where they
serve blush wine beore dinner on Saturdays and hold nightly
bingo games in the party room. Once a week a bus arrives or
anyone wanting a ride to the supermarket.
Not long ago, Esther visited Helen. Te two women sat acrossrom each other on matching mauve love seats in the am-
ily room, straining to talk above the din o the V. Actually,
Esther held up both ends o the conversation, while Helens at-
tention dried between Oprah and a group o card players at a
table near the bay window. Esther asked Helen i shed heard
about Oprahs great car giveaway? Everyone in the audience
got a brand-new Pontiac, she said. When Helens eyes bright-
ened, Esther thought shed guided her riend saely back home
through the og. Ten Helen said, You know, Esther, I nally
divorced Jimmy, and Esther wondered whether there was any
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14 Miriam Karmel
point in reminding her riend that Jimmy had been dead or
eleven years. When Helen said, He came home with powder on
his shirt one too many times, Esther rose, kissed her riends
papery cheek and said goodbye.No. Esther is staying put. She has no intention o joining her
riend in Bingoville. Tank you, very much, she told Ceely, as
she handed back the brochure. Im happy just where I am.
She and Marty moved here not long aer Ceely ran o to
a commune in Vermont. Barry was in dental school. Te move
back to the city had been Martys idea. Gamely, Esther agreed,though not beore spending a day in the basement crying into a
pile o reshly laundered towels.
Shed loved her old house, but the city proved to be a tonic.
Esther and Marty elt reer, lighter, as i city living was like one o
the miracle diets Esther was always trying. Tey enjoyed learn-
ing their way around the new neighborhood, though it was verynear to the one they had le years ago when they joined the great
migration north to the suburbs. Tey discovered the joy o walk-
ingto restaurants, the hardware store, movies, the library.
Tey rediscovered the joy o sex. Marty reerred to that time
as our second honeymoon, but to Esther, their couplings elt
nothing like their early awkward intimacies. She and Marty be-came eager and playul, but also patient and considerate with
one another. At the same time, their sex elt X-rated, illicit.
Esther enjoyed pretending they were lovers sneaking o or an
assignation in a borrowed room. In bed, she elt as i she were
somebody else, somebody she would like to know. Suddenly she
was that somebody! Nothing had prepared her or how good
she would eel.
Ten one day, Marty said, I cant believe we wasted all those
years living in the sticks.
Esther, who couldnt believe shed ever cried into the towels,
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Being Esther 15
hated to think that shed rittered away her lie. Wasted? she
rowned. Lets just say it was nice while it lasted. She reminded
Marty o the trees that ormed a canopy over the quiet roads; the
expanses o green; the tranquil village where the children couldride their bikes to the playground or the ice cream parlor and she
never had to worry. And hadnt they made interesting riends?
She was orever entertaining, and like-minded people recipro-
cated. It elt right at the time, she told Marty.
I hated every minute o it, he declared, at which point
Esther retreated to the kitchen and started chopping onions ora pot roast.
Esther reused to let Marty ruin her joy. She had ew re-
grets about the past, and she took pleasure in the present.
Shed loved everything about their new lie, even the build-
ings name. Te Devonshire Arms was a typical Chicago-style
buildingthree wings, our stories, dusty yellow brick. Yetshe appreciated the act that there were no lingering cooking
smells in the hallway as there were in her sister-in-law Claras
building, where garlic, ried meat, and scorched oil seeped
into the hallway carpets, the wooden lintels, the paint on the
wall. Not once has Esther smelled the curries rom the Singhs
apartment across the hall.And what a surprise and a pleasure it was to encounter
Lorraine aer all these years, in an apartment across the court-
yard. Next door to Lorraine lives a young boy who practices
piano every morning and sometimes at night. In the summer,
with the windows open, Esther eels as i she is being serenaded.
And i she asks Milo, the super, to x a leaky aucet or
change a bulb in the hallway, he responds as i hes been wait-
ing all day or her call. No. Esther isnt moving. Whats more,
shell have no part in her daughters get-out-and-do-more
campaign. Ceely wants Esther to join the mall walkers, take
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16 Miriam Karmel
up water aerobics or yoga. Just the other day, while unloading
a bag o groceries in Esthers kitchen, Ceely remarked that a
riends eighty-our-year-old mother had taken up tai chi and
still mowed her own lawn.Ceely has always tried to improve Esther. When she was
ten years old she hounded Esther to play mah-jongg with the
other mothers. And why didnt Esther wear eyeshadow and get
her hair done once a week like Susie Gordons mom? And did
she have to wear a sweatshirt and corduroy slippers around the
house? Ceely had a way o making Esther eel like the old loveseat theyd moved to the basement rec room aer the stufng
started to show.
All these years later, Esther is still on the deensive. You
wouldnt believe how much exercise I get just walking around
the house, she said, as Ceely nished unpacking the grocer-
ies. Besides, I dont have a lawn to mow. She reminded herdaughter that she walked to the library and the drugstore
and that she and Lorraine walked to Wing Yees on a regu-
lar basis. She walked to the market on Devon a ew times a
week. Tough she doesnt need much, Esther enjoys steering a
cart up and down the aisles, examining all the products that
werent available when she was a young woman running a busyhousehold. Te year she took up Chinese cooking, she drove
halway across Chicago or gingerroot and ve-spice powder.
Now, when she has little appetite and nobody to cook or, she
can load her basket with ve kinds o goat cheese, purple pep-
pers, yellow tomatoes.
Te supermarket doesnt count, Ceely said, as she stued
the empty bag under the kitchen sink. She called grocery shop-
ping an add on, something Esther would do no matter what.
You need to do more, she declared.
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Being Esther 17
And i I dont? How can Esther tell her daughter that some-
times she is content sitting by the window, looking out at her
neighbors coming and going, or staring across the courtyard
and watching Lorraines cat sunning itsel on the windowsill?She can sit without her knitting or a book. She is content doing
nothing, and she cant explain why.
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Being Estherby Miriam Karmel
http://www.milkweed.org/shop/product/313/being-esther/http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/being-esther-miriam-karmel/1112368923%3Fean%3D9781571310965http://www.powells.com/biblio/62-9781571310965-0http://www.indiebound.org/book/9781571310965http://www.indiebound.org/book/9781571310965http://www.powells.com/biblio/62-9781571310965-0http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/being-esther-miriam-karmel/1112368923%3Fean%3D9781571310965http://www.milkweed.org/shop/product/313/being-esther/