BOB'S BURGERS

"Any Given Brunchday"

Written bySteve Fiorillo

Stevefiorillo@gmail.com43 Lincolnshire Dr.Manalapan, NJ 07726(908)415-0614

ACT ONE

INT. BOB’S BURGERS - DAY

BOB, TEDDY, and MORT’s eyes are glued to the football game on TV. The quarterback takes the ball and runs with it.

BOBGo! Go!

TEDDYRun, you talented, beautiful man!

He scores! The men cheer loudly and high five.

BOBWhat a game!

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)Dunnigan is really having an MVP year. We asked him who has shaped him in his life. He said, “My dad, God, Jesus, the Lord, my father, and the Holy Father.”

MORTWhat an interesting guy.

BOBThat’s ridiculous. He’s a star player, he’s had more inspiration than his dad.

TEDDYI don’t know, Bobby. A father has a huge influence on a boy.

MORTHe’s right. My dad was a funeral director. And his dad was a funeral director. And his dad was a baker! But I can’t be a baker, dad said. Not when I can do a man’s job, dad said. Is following your heart not man enough, dad?!

Mort storms out, visibly shaken.

TEDDYHuge influence. You’re a father. Think you’re raising Gene to be a big man?

BOBWhy wouldn’t I?

GENE runs in excitedly, keyboard in hand.

GENEDad, I need feedback on my opera! It’s eighty minutes long and every fart is a different character.

He plays his disgusting music on the keyboard.

TEDDYHe’s writing fart operas, Bob.

BOBFarts are manly, right?

TEDDYNot in opera form!

LINDA enters. She checks out what’s on the TV.

LINDAOoh, football. Manly!

GENEI hate football! The football players at my school are all jerks and they keep talking about tackling and punting. I don’t blame the coach for quitting.

BOBWait, your school’s coach quit?

GENEYep. Probably because he didn’t know what punting was either!

Bob looks at the game, then back at Gene. The light bulb above his head on the ceiling suddenly turns on. Idea!

BOBMaybe I’ll volunteer. You think you can handle the restaurant while I’m gone?

LINDASure. Besides, coaches are sexy. You can be like Bill Belichick!

BOBBlech, really?

2.

LINDAYes, blech, really. With that disgusting hoodie and that droopy face. He’s like a sexy sloth!

TINA and LOUISE enter.

TINAWere you guys talking about sexy sloths too?

LINDAYour father’s gonna be the new football coach at your school.

TINAFootball?

LOUISEFootball?

Louise imagines a vicious hit, with a close up of HELMETS slamming into each other. Tina imagines it too, but with a close up of CROTCHES slamming into each other.

BOBI’m going to volunteer.

TEDDYI don’t know if that’s a good idea.

BOBWhy not? I know football. It’s just throwing and catching, and integrity!

TEDDYThat’s not enough. You need the respect and the fear that comes with being a man’s man.

BOBI run my own business. People here respect me. Louise, mop the floor.

LOUISENever!

She spills mop water over the floor, and Gene slides on it.

LINDASo graceful! Like a ballerina seal.

Bob glares at everyone.

3.

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - THE NEXT DAY

Bob sets foot on the field with MR. FROND. Gene and Tina walk behind him.

MR. FRONDBest of luck, Bob. And make sure you don’t lose the football. We only have one.

He leaves. Bob watches several kids throw a football around.

BOBThis is incredible. I feel so powerful.

GENEYou don’t look it!

TINAMaybe if I try another angle.

(moves slightly)You look a little powerful.

BOBWhat do you think, Gene? Excited to toss the ol’ pigskin around?

GENENo! I’m bored and you still haven’t told me what a punter does!

BOBHe just, he punts the ball. He kicks it away.

GENEThen why is there also a kicker?

BOBThere just is!

(to Tina)What about you? Are you excited, assistant coach?

TINAI’ll be here for ogling and mild encouragement. You can do it ... that was intense; I’m going to try and pull back.

They approach the group of players, headed by ZEKE.

4.

BOBAre you ready for some football?

ZEKEHell yeah! Let’s ball this!

BOBLove the enthusiasm. You need that attitude in this game. You gotta want it more!

GENEWhat does that mean?

BOBThat’s what they always say. The team that wants it more wins.

ZEKEWhat if you want it more, but don’t play as well as the other team?

BOBThen you need intangibles, I think is the word. Say you have a math test tomorrow. If you want to study, you’ll study and do better.

TINAI don’t have time to study for my math test, I’m the assistant coach.

BOBThis will all make sense once we start running some drills. Let’s do it! Where’s the QB?

JIMMY PESTO (O.S.)Right here!

JIMMY PESTO enters with JIMMY JR. Jimmy Pesto wears a shirt that says HUNTINGTON ACADEMY in large font.

JIMMY PESTO (CONT’D)So you’re the new coach here, huh?

BOBYep. I am the head coach of ... what’s the team’s name?

TINAThe Wizards.

5.

BOBOh my god, really? Why would you name a football team that?

TINAIt was put to a student vote. It was between that and the Tigers.

BOBWhy didn’t you pick the Tigers?

TINAWizards are more powerful.

BOBWhat do you want, Pesto?

JIMMY PESTOJust wanted to wish you good luck next week in your game against Huntington. You know, the private school with a huge amount of money and resources, and an amazing, handsome football coach. Me!

BOBYou have to be joking.

JIMMY PESTOThe only joke here is you and my horrible quarterback of a son.

BOBThat was a terrible thing to say.

JIMMY PESTOIt’s not as terrible as his throwing arm! Haha, friendly trash talk. Best of luck, Bob. Peace!

Jimmy struts off the field.

BOBI hate him so much.

JIMMY JR. It’s his version of tough love. There’s just not that much love.

BOBSorry. Get on the field and let’s see what you got.

6.

Jimmy Jr. trots to the field. They run a play, but most of the players fall over each other trying to run routes. Jimmy Jr. chucks it as far as he can; it goes about five feet.

ZEKEWhere’s the ball?

The players search aimlessly for the football.

ZEKE (CONT’D)How’d we lose the football?

BOBOh no.

INT. BOB’S BURGERS - DAY

The restaurant is empty. As Linda nods off, a loud CRASH wakes her. It’s Louise trying to hang a fake skeleton up.

LINDAWhat the heck are you doing?

LOUISEBuilding up tourism. Now people will think a couple died here on their wedding night!

She gently places a veil on the skeleton’s head.

LOUISE (CONT’D)She was glowing. Was.

LINDAUgh, this is so frickin’ boring. I could be watching soap operas and horny napping right now!

LOUISELet’s spice this place up! We could cover the tables in elk blood, or light a napkin on fire and see how far it spreads!

LINDAI can’t believe I’m doing this just so Bob can be my sexy Belichick.

LOUISEOf course you don’t like this; it isn’t yours! It’s Bob’s Burgers, not Linda’s Lurgers.

7.

LINDAI’d make the best damn lurgers this town’s ever seen!

LOUISEThen do it! You can make this place whatever you want. Change anything you ever wanted to change.

Linda surveys the disgusting, deserted restaurant.

LINDAYou know what it needs? Class. Bob’s too cheap to class this place up. He puts wallpaper on the floor instead of tiling.

CUT TO:

INT. BOB’S BURGERS - FLASHBACK

Gene spills ketchup on the floor. They kneel down and rip wallpaper off the floor, revealing wallpaper underneath it.

GENEFloral print? How gauche!

He rips that wallpaper up to reveal a third layer.

TINASo that’s where our baby photos went.

CUT TO:

INT. BOB’S BURGERS - PRESENT

LOUISEThen class this bitch up!

LINDABut how? Hmm ...

(gasps)Brunch! So fancy. We can make crepes and play nice music. We can finally use all those champagne bottles upstairs!

LOUISEIs that what that is? I’ve been using it as bleach.

8.

LINDAThis will be good for you too. You’ll get to see how the upper crust lives. And not the kind on sandwiches. Brunch humor, yay!

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY

Bob looks flustered at what he sees. Jimmy Jr. throws a weak pass to a receiver who runs away from the ball.

JIMMY JR.A for effort, Vince!

TINASuch a good role model. And potentially good actual model.

BOBThey’re terrible. They don’t know anything! I told Craig to tackle and he said “How?”

Gene runs up to them wearing a terrible wizard costume.

GENEI found the mascot costume! Do you think if I keep it on I’ll gain its powers or turn into Rupert Grint?

TINAYou mean Ron Weasley?

GENEOf course not. Ron Weasley isn’t a real person!

Bob blows the whistle, defeated.

BOBAlright, it’s not time for you guys to leave yet but I can not keep watching this today.

Zeke, pumped up, slams his helmet down and sprints to the sideline.

ZEKEWoo, adrenaline rush! It’s pumping through my veins! I gotta push something. Come here, fatty.

9.

He runs over to Gene and shoves him as hard as he can. But Gene doesn’t budge.

ZEKE (CONT’D)The hell? Move, ya big flesh blob!

He shoves Gene again but he is motionless. He tries pushing him again, and Gene actually leans forward instead somehow.

BOBWait, Gene, you don’t feel that?

GENEI guess not. Finally, I’m as numb physically as I am emotionally!

BOBGene, push him back.

GENEPromoting violence? What kind of role model are you? Besides cool?

BOBJust push him!

Gene shoves Zeke as hard as he can, and Zeke topples over. Gene runs screaming in celebration.

BOB (CONT’D)Whoa. When did Gene get that fast?

TINAHe really is a wizard.

BOBOkay, everyone back on the field! We have work to do. Gene, let’s get you a uniform.

GENECan I wear the wizard outfit?

BOBOf course not.

END OF ACT ONE

10.

ACT TWO

INT. BELCHER KITCHEN - MORNING

Linda cooks breakfast for the kids. Bob enters, excited.

BOBCan’t wait for practice today. We have an athlete in the family!

LINDATina can play football? I knew it! She’s got a punter’s leg.

BOBWhat? No. Gene. He’s the star of the defense. He’s an unstoppable force and an immovable object.

LINDAExciting! I got something for you!

She pulls out an old, worn out hoodie.

LINDA (CONT’D)It’s a new coaching hoodie.

BOBThat’s new?

LINDAI rolled it around in a little dirt to give it character.

BOBIt’s disgusting.

LINDASexy disgusting.

LOUISESexgusting!

GENEGrossexual!

TINADissecting. Wait ...

11.

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - AFTERNOON

At practice, the team plays marginally better this time. Gene, though, is a football wizard, partly due to the wizard’s hat on his helmet. He plows through and knocks Jimmy Jr. to the ground. On the opposite sideline, the cheerleaders watch Gene play.

BOBGene, try not to kill our QB. Save that for the other team’s QB. Everyone else, just try your best. Gotta play like a team to win.

ZEKEI might have a concussion, but you’re making less and less sense.

Murmurs of agreement stem from the other players.

JIMMY JR.And you keep giving your son special treatment, like he’s the star or something.

BOBHe is the star. Inarguably he is the star of this team.

More murmurs from the players. They don’t have an argument.

BOB (CONT’D)Let’s run that play again.

They run another play. Gene bursts through and Jimmy Jr. just runs the other way screaming. Bob turns to Tina.

BOB (CONT’D)I figured we might have a chance with Gene on the team, but these other players need to step up too. They keep screwing everything up!

JIMMY PESTO (O.S.)That’s because you’re their coach!

Bob, startled, turns around to see Jimmy behind him.

BOBGod dammit Jimmy, trash talk the front of me! What do you want?

12.

JIMMY PESTOI have to bring Jr. to father-son jazzercise. It’s how we bond. Jimmy, get the hell over here. Stop with your loser team’s practice now or no dessert today or dinner tomorrow!

BOBYou shouldn’t talk to your ...

He trails off as he notices Jimmy Jr. obediently follows his father off the field without hesitation.

BOB (CONT’D)... kid like that ...

EXT. HUNTINGTON ACADEMY - LATER

A large football field with an enormous number of seats and a large Jumbotron. Bob and Tina spy on the practice.

BOBWhat does Jimmy Pesto have that makes him such a good leader, besides his giant chin?

JIMMY PESTOAll right, Z-formation, now! Let’s go, let’s go!

The Huntington team immediately gets into formation. Bob is stunned.

TINAOh, they use a 4-3 defense instead of a 3-4 so that they can get a better pass rush from the defensive line. They must have fast defensive ends. Wait, how did I know that?

The team runs a very successful passing play, nearly scoring a practice touchdown. Jimmy remains stone-faced.

JIMMY PESTOIs that the best you turds got? Run it again! And it better be a touchdown this time!

They run the play again. This time they score the touchdown.

13.

TINAOh, so the third receiver runs the slant route to trick the safeties, leaving the other receivers open. Oh no, I understand football now.

JIMMY PESTOTake a knee!

The team takes a knee to listen to their coach.

JIMMY PESTO (CONT’D)That kind of good to great play is unacceptable. We need to win 150-0! I wanna see Bob Belcher cry while he’s crapping his pants. We have to win so hard that some of you might too! Is that clear?

TEAMSir yes sir!

BOBHe’s a huge douche of a leader. Ineed to be like that.

TINAAll he did was humiliate his team in a confusingly attractive way.

BOBGross. But his players respond to him. If I ever want to be taken seriously, I can’t just be a coach. I have to be a man. It’s time to get angry

INT. SCHOOL - THE NEXT DAY

Gene closes his locker and sees three CHEERLEADERS standing.

CHEERLEADER 1Hey Gene.

Awkward silence. Gene is confused as they just stare at him.

GENEWhy are you looking at me like that? Do I have a pimple on top of another pimple again?

14.

CHEERLEADER 2Haha! You’re so funny, Gene.

GENEI know! Why are you just noticing it now?

CHEERLEADER 3Because you’re the star of the football team now, silly! That makes you attractive.

CHEERLEADER 1Tell us boring stories about yourself so we can giggle at them!

GENEWait, being a football player makes you popular? I didn’t know that! I love sports! Goodbye, books!

He throws his backpack across the hallway, knocking another STUDENT over.

GENE (CONT’D)Oops! Sorry.

STUDENTIt’s okay! Good luck this weekend!

EXT. BOB’S BURGERS - AFTERNOON

The Bob’s Burgers logo has been covered up by Linda. Replacing it is a sign that says “Mimosa” in a fancy font. There is an accent over the first m, the o, and the s.

INT. BOB’S BURGERS

Linda’s new brunch place is doing pretty well. Upper class women eat brunch and sip their drinks. Linda beams.

LINDAIt’s all I’ve ever dreamed of.

Louise enters, back from school.

LINDA (CONT’D)Welcome to Mimosa, Louise! You like the new sign? Nothing’s fancier than foreign words!

15.

LOUISEMimosa isn’t a foreign word.

LINDAI made this everything I wanted. There’s even paintings of museums!

LOUISEExciting! Have you noticed a ... recurring theme in the customers?

She gestures to the tables. At each table, attractive middle-aged women dine with much younger men.

LINDAThis is probably the new style. Trophy husbands! So progressive.

LOUISESo progressive. I’d love to stay and chat but I ate three hot dogs for lunch on a dare, so our toilet is cruisin’ for a number twosin.

She heads for the bathroom and opens the door, only to find a WOMAN in the throes of passion with her POOL BOY. They gasp in shock and horror, though Louise doesn’t really react.

WOMANWe’ve been caught!

LOUISEYou always lock the bathroom door, no matter what you’re doing.

WOMANPlease don’t tell my husband!

POOL BOYI’ll give you twenty bucks to not tell anyone!

Louise thinks on it, and a conniving smile crosses her face.

LOUISEFor fifty, I’ll tell you where you won’t get caught next time.

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - AFTERNOON

The players, standing around, are stunned by the loud sound of a WHISTLE that Bob blows as he walks onto the field.

16.

BOBWhat the hell?! I’m here for fifteen seconds and you’re not practicing? Is this amateur hour?!

The players mumble to themselves, shocked.

BOB (CONT’D)Let’s go! Get into formation and practice the crap out of some crap damn football!

He blows that whistle hard, and they immediately line into formation. Jimmy Jr. gets the ball and throws a terrible pass. Bob blows the whistle.

BOB (CONT’D)What are you doing? You throw like you don’t have hands! Do you not have hands, Jimmy? Run it again!

They run the play. Jimmy Jr. holds onto the ball, panicked.

BOB (CONT’D)Throw the damn ball!

JIMMY JR.I’m sorry, dad!

He throws the ball, and it’s surprisingly a better throw. Another player catches it before getting tackled. Bob blows his whistle in celebration as Tina stands beside him.

BOBI did it!

TINAYou did it. Did what?

BOBI made the team better!

TINAWhy are you yelling at me?

BOBBecause it works! I’m yelling at everyone! I made this team better!

TINAI’m proud of you, dad. Okay guys, line up in shotgun formation!

17.

She takes a pencil from behind her ear and jots in her book. They run the play, but Gene is barely doing anything. Jimmy Jr. throws the ball to a receiver, and Gene doesn’t notice.

BOBGene, what the hell are you doing?

Gene, distracted, doesn’t hear him, and the receiver runs for a touchdown. Bob blows his whistle and runs over to Gene.

BOB (CONT’D)Gene, you were supposed to tackle him! What were you thinking?

GENEI was thinking of a good celebration dance. It combines breakdance and ballet, and it’s set to Pump Up the Jam!

BOBI don’t care about your dumb dance! Get your head in the game! Real men don’t care about celebrating, they care about winning!

Bob storms off. Gene looks to the other sideline, where the cheerleaders gossip and glare at Gene.

CHEERLEADER 1We can’t like you if you suck.

CHEERLEADER 3That play made me remember how much I hate your face!

GENEAah! My popularity, I can feel it fading! Come back!

Bob blows on the whistle. The players cover their ears.

BOBRun it again!

INT. BELCHER HALLWAY - AFTERNOON

A new WOMAN and her MAN giggle through the hall. They stop and gasp as they see Louise staring at them, arms folded.

LOUISEI know what you’re trying to do.

18.

They look at her with guilt and shame, until she slowly smiles and opens the doors to Gene and Tina’s rooms.

LOUISE (CONT’D)Fifty dollars for the music room, seventy-five dollars for the horse room, and for one hundred and twenty-five dollars, you get the king suite.

She opens the door to her parent’s room, which she has decorated to look sexier.

And so begins a MONTAGE!

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD

The team’s play is improving steadily. Both sides play well and cheer for themselves, but Bob isn’t impressed. WHISTLE.

BOBHarder!

INT. BELCHER HALLWAY

Louise waits outside her parent’s room. A new “couple” walks out happily and gives her the money.

LOUISE(to woman)

Tell all your friends.(to man)

Tell all your friends that are also pool boys.

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD

Jimmy Jr. makes a nice throw and high fives Zeke. WHISTLE.

BOBBetter!

INT. BOB’S BURGERS

Louise walks over to a table where two people have just left. She sees the inordinately large tip they’ve left her. They wink at her, and she winks back.

19.

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD

Gene sacks Jimmy Jr. and looks to his dad in hopes of encouragement. He is instead greeted by the WHISTLE.

BOBFaster!

INT. TINA’S ROOM

Louise puts new, fresh sheets on Tina’s bed. She sniffs them and smiles.

LOUISESmells like money.

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD

Another good play from the team. WHISTLE.

BOBStronger!

Another play. WHISTLE. WHISTLE. WHISTLE.

At some point Bob isn’t even screaming words. Gene joins in.

BOB (CONT’D)AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

GENEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

End montage.

INT. BOB’S BURGERS - AFTERNOON

The place is filled exclusively with upper class women and their boy toys. Linda sighs happily. CYNTHIA walks over.

CYNTHIALinda, this place is fantastic.

LINDAThank you so much, Cynthia!

CYNTHIAI really love this whole operation, if you catch my drift.

20.

LINDAYeah, you love the restaurant!

CYNTHIAOh, I love it. Every time I come here I just get stuffed, if you know what I mean.

LINDAYeah, you had some french toast. Glad you like it!

CYNTHIAThe food’s fine. But I love the--

A loud KICK is heard, and Cynthia topples to the ground. Louise pops up.

LINDAIsn’t it all so wonderful, Louise? Don’t you just love it?

LOUISEMore than you realize.

LINDAThis could be you one day, sweetie! Having enough money to never work and putting alcohol in drinks just because! Wouldn’t you like that?

LOUISEI sure would, because that is the only thing they’re doing when they come here. Remember that.

Cynthia weakly gets up and limps out.

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - AFTERNOON

The players pant, exhausted. Bob storms onto the field.

BOBWhat’s the hold up?

GENEI feel sick. It feels like I’m constipated but I’ve gone five times today!

21.

JIMMY JR.You’re working us really hard, Coach Belcher. We’re trying and we’re getting better.

BOBWe’re not trying to get better, we’re trying to get best! Bester!

The players groan wearily.

ZEKEWe done did everything you asked us to do and you’re still yellin’.

GENEYeah, shouldn’t there be a reward? Like cash, or a Nestle Wonder Ball?

The team murmurs in agreement.

BOB (V.O.)You’re losing them. Be a man!

BOBOh, you want rewards? Or do you want to be men and fight because you want to fight? You gotta want blood! We’re not just wizards, we have to be warriors! Knock a player out of the game, maybe then you’ll get a reward.

The team’s murmurs suddenly perk up.

ZEKEYou’d give us stuff for hittin’ the other guys?

BOBI ... why, would that make you guys play harder?

The team cheers the idea on, and Bob latches onto it.

BOB (CONT’D)Alright! Ten bucks for a knee injury, twenty for a head injury!

ZEKEWhat if you knock the QB out?

22.

BOBFifty dollars, and free burgers for a month!

GENEAnd people will love me forever!

The team cheers, and Bob beams. He is finally the leader.

TINADad, are you really putting in a bounty system?

BOBIf that means I’m putting in an awesome system where my guys love me and kick ass then hell yeah!

He joins in on the cheers, but Gene cheers louder than everyone else.

END OF ACT TWO

23.

ACT THREE

INT. LOCKER ROOM - EVENING

The night of the big game. Bob enters, and the players all take a knee. It’s like a scene from Friday Night Lights.

BOBThis is it, boys. This right here is everything we’ve been waiting for. You worked hard. You’re gonna play harder. You will all make Jimmy Pesto regret ever having such a stupid dumb face. And you’re going to beat in all of his players’ equally stupid dumb faces.

(cheers)This is a war. You have to hit and kick and punch your way to victory. I don’t want to see anything on that field but guts, and other players’ teeth.

GENEWhat about chunks of their hair?

BOBThat probably won’t injure them, but if it motivates you! Now we’re gonna go out there! And what are we gonna do?

TEAM(Gene the loudest)

Kick their ass!

ZEKELet’s tear them limb from limb, and then beat them with their limbs!

BOBThat’s right!

GENEWe are Green Day and we’re taking them to the boulevard of broken dreams! Aah I’m having so many emotions!

He punches a locker as Tina enters and hands Bob a playbook.

24.

TINAI hope you all memorized the new playbook I wrote up.

BOBOh my God, Tina, this is amazing. I can’t even yell at you.

TINAI horny napped through some game tape and woke up with ideas.

INT. BELCHER HALLWAY - EVENING

Linda walks down the hallway in a rush.

LINDALouise, are you ready? We gotta close up and get to the game.

(Louise exits her room)There you are! Hold on a second, I forgot my purse.

She opens up her bedroom door and shrieks; Cynthia and a pool boy are naked on her bed. Louise sees and shakes her head.

LOUISEGuys, I said to be out by six. Sex can’t take that long, am I right?

She goes for a high five with Linda, who is fuming.

LOUISE (CONT’D)Oh right. Trouble.

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - EVENING

The big game! A sold out crowd cheers on the team as they take the field. Gene surveys the crowd; it’s littered with signs that have his name. He smiles and gets ready.

Huntington has the ball. The QB gets it and is quickly TACKLED to the ground by Gene. Gene pops back up but the QB is slower.

QBAah ... my knee ...

25.

GENENo complaining! You still have the other one!

CUT TO:

The offense is now on the field. Jimmy Jr. throws the ball and a receiver catches it, PUNCHES a defender in the chest, and runs it in for a touchdown. The crowd goes wild!

BOBUp yours, Pesto!

The offense runs off the field. Tina comes up to Jimmy Jr., but doesn’t pat him on the butt so much as rest her hand on it and keep it there.

TINAGood job, Jimmy Jr.

JIMMY JR.Um, thanks ...

(time passes)Your hand is still there.

TINAHas it been too long?

JIMMY JR.I don’t actually know.

They remain motionless.

CUT TO:

Defense is back on the field. The ball is snapped.

BOBHit them! All of them!

Defensive players violently push the other team down, and even run on top of them to get to the quarterback. The crowd loves it and cheers even louder, but Bob’s excitement fades.

BOB (CONT’D)Wow. That’s really violent.

The QB gets hit by two defenders, sending his helmet flying.

QBMy other knee ...

26.

GENENow you can complain!

CUT TO:

Bob’s players continue to pummel the other team. Bodies slam and bones crunch. The crowd CHEERS as loudly as they can, but Bob looks more horrified.

Another play. Gene hits the QB, lifts him up over his shoulders, and SLAMS him onto the ground. The crowd chants his name, and he takes his helmet off in acknowledgement.

GENE (CONT’D)Yes! Love me! Love me in a way that I can never truly love myself!

He does his planned dance, a combination of breakdance and ballet. The stadium blares Pump Up the Jam. It is awkward and poorly coordinated. The QB still lies on the ground.

Bob rubs his temples. Tina walks over to him.

TINADad, what’s wrong? We’re winning.

BOBThis isn’t what I wanted to see.

TINABut it’s exactly what you told them to do.

BOBI thought this would make me a man and a leader and help us win. Well it is helping us win. But it’s not fun. I’m just watching kids get hurt. Who wants to see that?

The crowd cheers Gene on as he gets yet another sack.

Suddenly, a WHISTLE blows. The referee signals that it’s halftime. The players march off the field.

Linda and Louise are in the stands. Linda is still fuming, but Louise is ecstatic.

LOUISEThat was amazing.

LINDAOh, put a sock in it! I’m still mad at you.

27.

LOUISEWhat, for helping your business?

LINDAYou did not help my business!

LOUISEWithout me, you’re nothing! You hear me? Nothing!

LINDAWhat do you think people really want, french toast, or sex in my bed? Ugh, I can’t believe other people had sex in my bed!

LOUISENot all the time! Sometimes I let them use the shower, or the rug.

LINDAUgh! I walk on that!

INT. LOCKER ROOM - LATER

The players are all pumped up, high fiving and jumping around. Bob, on the other hand, looks more worried.

BOBHey guys. You’re playing some great ball, and you have definitely injured a few players.

GENETwelve!

BOBYes, twelve. I owe you guys more money than I thought. But here’s a new game plan for the second half: maybe calm down a little bit.

ZEKECan’t hear you! There’s too much adrenaline! It’s in my ears!

He screams, and the rest of the team screams with him.

BOBSomeone’s going to die tonight.

28.

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - LATER

The second half starts, and it’s even more violent. Players step on opposing players even though they’re standing up. Helmets slam into helmets. Limbs are bent in ways that limbs should not bend.

BOBThis is madness!

TINAIt’s gone from sexy violence to psychopathic, still slightly sexy violence.

The ball is snapped. Gene conks two linemen’s heads together and slams the QB to the ground, before dragging him several yards down the field in celebration.

BOBI can’t take this anymore.

He calls a time out, and the ref blows the whistle.

BOB (CONT’D)Gene, get off the field.

GENEWhat? Why?!

BOBThis is getting out of control!

GENEI know, it’s great! It’s like UFC but I can respect it!

BOBGene, there’s a four foot streak of blood on the field. This is insane. We have to stop this.

GENEWhy? This is what you wanted. Everyone loves it!

BOBYes, but--

GENEYou said it yourself! We’re fighting because we’re men and we want to fight!

29.

BOBWell that was dumb, and I shouldn’t have said that. You can’t let other people tell you what it means to be a man. Other people are terrible.

He gestures to the crowd, which is cheering for more blood.

BOB (CONT’D)I thought I knew what being a man meant, but I’m an idiot. Just be who you want to be, stop caring about what idiots think, and for the love the god, stop trying to kill their QB.

Gene looks to the crowd, then to his father, then to the QB twitching on the ground. He removes his helmet and jogs off.

Bob meets him halfway and they hug. The crowd boos mercilessly as they walk off the field together. Linda, though, is touched.

LINDAAww! Why can’t you and I have a father/son moment like that?

LOUISEWe’re not father and son.

Linda glares at her. Louise sighs.

LOUISE (CONT’D)Fine. I’m sorry I turned your brunch dream into a sex shack for rich people.

LINDAI just wanted us to schmooze with the upper crust. I never got to be a rich lady. I thought maybe if you saw it for yourself you could want that life, and live my dream.

LOUISEMom, don’t you see? I dealt with the upper class firsthand. The lying, the corruption, the bribery. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted! I never would have known if it weren’t for you.

30.

LINDAAww, my baby!

They hug. Gene and Bob head to the locker room together as the crowd continues to boo.

TINAWait, if they just walk off the field, that means we--

INT. BOB’S BURGERS - THE NEXT DAY

The place is now Bob’s Burgers again. The family is there, as well as Jimmy Pesto.

JIMMY PESTO--lose! You lost, Bob!

BOBI didn’t lose. It was a forfeit.

JIMMY PESTOAnd it goes in the records as a big fat loss!

BOBI don’t care.

Jimmy goes to leave.

BOB (CONT’D)I’m not jealous of your win!

(Jimmy leaves)God, I’m so jealous of his win.

Linda enters.

LINDAAh, who cares about him and those damn private school kids and their disgusting parents.

BOBWhere were you?

LINDALaundry room. Washing the sheets.

BOBYou’ve washed them like six times.

31.

LINDAAnd they’ll never be clean enough. But I’ll keep trying!

Outside, the cheerleaders pass by. Gene watches them take a sign with his name on it and rip it up.

BOBHey, sorry your popularity didn’t last too long.

GENEIt’s okay. It was overwhelming. Guys kept asking me to join their fantasy league. I was almost a guy who’s really into fantasy football!

EVERYONEUgh!

LINDAWell, you’re both big men in my book. It takes guts to make a speech like that in front of a thousand sociopaths!

GENEGuess you learned what it means to be a man after all!

LOUISEBeing a man is okay, but being a pool boy is the real dream. Be a pool boy, dad!

BOBNo.

LOUISEBuild us a pool, pool boy!

END OF EPISODE

32.