social Disgraces break your bad habits

Regardless of how you feel about Facebook and Twitter (from “can’t be bothered” to “can’t live

without it”), there’s no denying that they’ve changed our world. But not always for the better, say

Real Simple readers. In an exclusive survey, they shared the most antisocial sins

committed on social media.

Imagine that you’re at a gathering with everybody you’ve ever met, from your niece to your high school gym teacher. Now imagine that you’ve got a bullhorn into which you can broadcast every thought you have the second you have it. (And so can everyone else.) That’s pretty much the world of social networking, which brings limitless opportunities to connect with

others…and to irritate them. In the name of civilized society, Real Simple surveyed 945 readers about the social-media habits that drive them crazy. And if you’re not a social networker, the cautionary tales in these pages will help you avoid wacky acts of your own if you decide to join the party. (Plus, they reveal a few interesting things about human nature.)

written by Kristin Appenbrink illustrations by Graham Roumieu

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What’s the most annoying kind of Facebook update?

if your friends are guilty of some or all of the above, here’s how to set yourself free: Mouse to the right of the post. There you’ll find a menu that lets you limit the types of posts you see from that friend or unsubscribe from her status updates entirely (without removing her from your friends list).

24% Intentionally vague posts meant to generate concern and attention, a.k.a. vaguebooking. “Jennifer wonders whether it’s all been worth it.”

20% Chronic complaining. “Ugh, who ordered this RAIN? It’s making my carpal tunnel act up again.”

19% Meaningless calls to action. “If you want to fight world hunger, put the color of your socks as your status update

for the next half hour. I want to see who is brave enough to take a stand.”

14% Oversharing. “Note to self: Next time, wear a thong with that wrap dress.”

13% Miscellaneous posts—including polarizing religious or political statements, indecipherable txt spk, and game updates.

10% Posting too frequently. “12:03: Chicken salad or tuna? 12:12: Chicken! Thanks for the responses.”

status checkWhat to ask yourself before that next post.1. Am I trying to make up for something I’m not getting in real life?Posting or tweeting to 400 “friends” just isn’t the same as venting to our nearest and dearest. “Online it’s easier to interpret things as we wish them to be and avoid the subjects we want to avoid,” says Sherry Turkle, a professor of the social studies of science and tech- nology at the Massa chu- setts Institute of Technology and the author of Alone Together: Why We Expect More From Tech nology and Less From Each Other. In tough times, you need a supportive friend who can offer real advice. Even (maybe especially) advice that you would rather not hear.

2. Am I really sharing?Pretend that you’re writing a letter to a friend. Doesn’t she deserve more than “TPS reports, blergh”? And you wouldn’t berate her for not being “brave” enough to share her bra size for breast cancer research. (If you truly care about an issue, “like” an organization that supports it on Facebook.)

3. Would I tell Matt Lauer on Today?No? Then reconsider. Psy chol ogist Larry S. Rosen, the author of the upcoming book iDisorder: Under-standing Our Obsession With Technology and Overcoming Its Hold on Us, recommends an “e–waiting period” before posting. Write it, then leave it for five minutes. Think of this line from The Social Network: “The Internet’s not written in pencil.… It’s written in ink.”

The stats: Social media is getting bigger by the minute. According to a recent Pew Research Center study, social networking among adult Internet users has more than doubled since 2008.

of our respondents spend at least three hours a week on social-media sites.

use social media for both personal and professional reasons.

have more than 300 Facebook friends.

49%

59%

49%

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“tanning at the country club.”

“love you, sheriff!”*(That’s her nickname for her husband. Sometimes she includes a picture of herself in lingerie.)

other di s hono ra ble me n tion s

✖ Quotations and song lyrics

✖ Bad grammar and spelling

✖ Anything involving Mondays

“i wish someone cared.”

“So tired. Going to bed now.”

“[NAME OMITTED] just checked in at Omaha Nasal & Sinus Center.”*

“With 10 grams of fiber per serving, Uncle Sam cereal should come with a warning label: Do not eat if your commute is longer than 10 minutes.”

“i’d like to thank my wonderrrful boyfriend for bringing me cinnamon rolls in bed this morning and making this monday a great start to my week.”

“Who just ran 11 miles around town and feels great? this guy!”

“i’m already in a bad mood, then this girl in class has a stinky lunch! How did she know i wanted 2 smell that crap 4 the next hour!?”

Real Simple asked:

What’s the most irritating status update you’ve seen in the past 24 hours?

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((

What’s the most irksome Facebook request?

a note on vulgarityIt bears repeating: If it’s not something you would say on national TV, the best

strategy is not to post it. Dozens of survey respondents specifically mentioned swearing as a turnoff. Said one reader: “My grandparents are on Facebook.

When my grandma comments on something and then a friend comments on the same thing and drops an F-bomb, she can see it. If it keeps happening,

I unfriend that person.” For R-rated commentary, use the private-message feature.

35%Quizzes. “Which literary heroine/classic movie/pizza topping are you?”

10%A friend request from a near stranger—that is, someone from the distant past— with no message.

32%A friend request from a stranger.

23%Invitations to join random groups. “Share memories of Camp Slippery Elm!”

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friendlier friend requestsLooking to connect? Here’s the way to do it politely.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by your virtual social circle, there’s nothing wrong with pruning your friends list. In fact, some anthropologists have theorized that the human brain isn’t wired to keep up with more than 200 connections at a time, says Rosen. In 2009, Cameron Marlow, a sociologist at Facebook, reported that the

✖ For someone from your past: Click the Message button next to “+1 Add Friend” so you can say hello. After she has accepted, it’s nice to catch up with a personal note, says Jodi R. R. Smith, the author of The Etiquette Book: A Complete Guide to Modern Manners (Sterling Publishing, $28). If you don’t have time to do that, why are you reach- ing out in the first place?

✖ For someone you would like to know (for example, a writer whose work you love): Use the message feature to introduce yourself, but don’t be offended if she doesn’t accept. She may want to be friends with, well, only friends.

✖ For someone you don’t know at all: Please refrain. Trolling your friends’ lists so you can beef up your numbers is just plain rude.

average user had 120 friends (the number is now 130) but regularly interacted with about seven of them. When you do pare down, there’s no need to post an announce ment. Says one reader: “My pet peeve is the ‘I’m getting ready to unfriend a bunch of people.… Don’t be offended if you’re one of them.’ Just do it, and don’t make a big deal about it.”

The Facebook BreakUp

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Facebook PhotosTo tag or not to tag?

74% of readers don’t ask permission before tagging someone else in a photo.

62% post photos of people who aren’t on Facebook.

Despite these statistics, a common reader complaint was being tagged in photos that don’t flatter them—or even feature them. (One poor woman reported that her “friends” tagged her in a photo of a balloon in the Macy’s Thanks-giving Day Parade.) “What if we’re doing something inappro-priate?” wrote one reader. “I’m in law school and cannot risk offending a future employer.”

As with language, follow “the grandmother rule,” advises Smith. “Post only pictures that person would be pleased to share with her grandmother,” she says. “Otherwise get permission first.” Never post a photo of someone else’s children without permission. And if you do come across an image of yourself on Facebook that’s less than stellar, click the Report/Remove Tag option below the photo on the right, which will let you unlink it from your profile; report it as spam; or send a message to the person and ask that it be removed.

✖ Multiple PDA photos. (Says one reader: “I don’t care about your love. Your love is gross.”)✖ Every single one of the 3,668 blurry shots that you took of the Grand Canyon.✖ What you are eating/are about to eat/have eaten.

✖ Self-portraits in the bath-room mirror. (“You’re all dolled up to go out, but I can see your toilet. Not sexy!”)✖ Inebriated people.✖ Shirtless people (men or women).✖ Endless baby pictures.✖ Profile pictures of pets, cartoon characters, or

anything that isn’t the person in the profile. (One reader commented that when she receives a friend request and all she sees is a sono-gram, she gets confused.)✖ Duck face—that pouty, “sexy” expression char ac-terized by pooched-out lips.

(( so why do people keep logging in?Despite the gripes, there’s obviously a lot to love about social networks—otherwise so many of us

wouldn’t be spending so much time on them. Says Turkle: “There can be something wonderful about rediscovering people from one’s past. I know of more than several cases where people feel

that finding old friends has helped them find important parts of themselves.”

Here are some other reasons readers come back to Facebook and Twitter. ✖ Useful stuff, like recipes and DIY tutorials ✖ News articles and offbeat stories they might have missed

✖ Book and movie recommendations ✖ Inspiring or funny quotations and photographs ✖ Community support. “I like it when a fellow mom posts for help with an idea or solving a problem.”

Other photos we would rather not see

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Introducing:“Be Nice on the internet” Week

The chatter about the survey, online and in the Real Simple office, suggests that we need to take a stand beyond this story. So from January 9 to January 13, we’re declaring it “Be Nice on the Internet” Week at RealSimple.com. During those days, we’ll explore the psychological impact of Net negativity, and you’ll be able to invite your friends to join us (and you!) in being nice on the Internet. Visit realsimple.com/beniceweek for full details, and pledge with us to think before you post.

my Facebook, myselfAlthough 91 percent of respondents said that social media made them feel more connected, only 29 percent said that it made them happier. Many admitted to having self-destructive habits, like gawking at people from the past (83 percent) and comparing themselves to others (76 percent).

If you’re obsessing over your old boyfriend’s perfect new life, consider this: Online “everyone is putting forth an ideal self,” says Turkle. That’s why you’ll see plenty of vacation photos and few of the weekend that the sump pump broke.

Also, humans aren’t good at determining how happy other people are. According to a study published last year in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin (led by a Stanford University Ph.D. student whose friends were bummed-out by Facebook), subjects assumed that their peers were having fewer negative experiences and more fun than they were actually having. And the more the subjects underestimated others’ negative emotions, the lonelier the subjects felt. Something to think about the next time you log on with a glass of wine.

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